Original subtitles

- I QUIT. - REALLY?

- BRETT AND I ARE SUPER-CASUAL.

WE FIGHT, AND THEN ONE OF US BREAKS,

AND SUDDENLY WE'RE DRINKING WINE AND EATING FLAN SOMEWHERE.

- I'M HERE TO CLEAN YOUR PLACE,

BUT HAVING SEX AND THEN GETTING MONEY--IT JUST FEELS WRONG.

- YOU'RE FIRED.

- THIS JACKET IS GIVING ME HEAT STROKE.

- THEN TAKE IT OFF, BLAINE.

YOU LOOK LIKE THE EVIL PREPPY BOYFRIEND

IN EVERY '80s HIGH SCHOOL MOVIE EVER.

- NO, I DESERVE THIS JACKET.

IT REPRESENTS MY SHAME AND TOTAL UNEMPLOYABILITY.

- OH, COME ON, JAY.

IT WAS ONE BAD INTERVIEW.

YOU'RE AN IVY LEAGUE GRAD

WITH A GOOD PERSONALITY AND SKINNY ANKLES.

SOMETHING'S BOUND TO COME THROUGH SOON.

- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS,

AND THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE.

I MAY HAVE TO SELL A KIDNEY.

- SELL YOUR HAIR FIRST.

START ON THE OUTSIDE, WORK YOUR WAY IN.

COME ON, LET'S GO TO MY PLACE.

I'LL ORDER US A PIZZA AND YOU CAN SPEND

THE WHOLE NIGHT TELLING ME HOW CAPITALISM SUCKS.

YOU LEFT THE TAG ON, FATTY.

- OH, YEAH, I GOTTA RETURN IT.

- I'M TERRIBLE AT RETURNING CLOTHES.

IT'S LIKE...GIVING UP BABIES.

ONCE YOU HAVE ONE, THEY'RE KIND OF HARD TO GIVE BACK.

- UM, CHILDREN ARE KIND OF AN "ALL SALES FINAL" SITUATION.

- [chuckles]

EVICTED?

WHAT THE HELL?!

- DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE NOT BUYING ME PIZZA?

- UGH!

- THANKS FOR LETTING ME CRASH.

ANYWAY, I DIDN'T HAVE THE FULL RENT,

SO I THOUGHT, INSTEAD OF PAYING ONLY PART,

I WOULD WAIT UNTIL I HAD ALL OF IT.

- AND THIS WAS LAST MONTH?

- YEAH.

AND THE THREE MONTHS BEFORE THAT.

DON'T JUDGE. A GIRL NEED HIGH-WAISTED DENIM.

AND BAGS...AND ESPADRILLES.

UGH, I'M A BAD PERSON.

- YEAH, WELL, WE BOTH KNOW WHERE YOU COULD GET THE MONEY.

- OH, YEAH, SURE, GREAT IDEA.

AND GIVE MY MOTHER YET ANOTHER REASON TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME.

- NO, I'M JUST SAYING YOU HAVE THIS SAFETY NET.

WHY NOT USE IT? - OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO JB'S?

- YEAH, NO, I QUIT. I--I CAN'T GO BACK.

WHY DON'T YOU GET STACEY TO HELP YOU?

SHE COULD, LIKE, THROW SOME LEGAL JARGON

AT YOUR LANDLORD. - OH, THAT COULD TOTALLY WORK.

TURN LOOSE THE PIT BULL. SHE'LL LOVE IT.

- OKAY, GREAT, WHAT ABOUT ME?

- WELL, SO FAR YOU'VE ONLY BEEN LOOKING FOR

JOBS YOU REALLY WANT, RIGHT?

SO, MAYBE AIM A LITTLE LOWER?

SWALLOW SOME OF THAT PRIDE?

- I LIKE THAT YOU THINK I HAVE PRIDE.

LOOK, TOMORROW, I'M JUST GONNA HIT CRAIGSLIST,

AND I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S MAKE A PACT.

ON THE PUFFINS-- NO SAFETY NETS.

- NO SAFETY NETS.

- SO I THINK A REASONABLE SOLUTION

WOULD BE A PAYMENT PLAN.

THAT WAY, YOU GET YOUR MONEY,

AND MY CLIENT KEEPS HER PLACE

WITHOUT ANYONE INCURRING EXPENSIVE COURT FEES.

- OH, OKAY, WHAT LAW FIRM ARE YOU WITH AGAIN?

- WELL, UH...TECHNICALLY I'M STILL IN LAW SCHOOL, BUT--

- SO, TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE HER FRIEND.

WHICH CARRIES ABOUT AS MUCH LEGAL WEIGHT AS IF YOU WERE

HER PET LABRADOR.

SO WHY DON'T YOU

HOP UP ON MY LAP AND LET ME RUB THAT BELLY?

- WHAT?! THAT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT!

- YEAH, PROBABLY, BUT THINK OF IT THIS WAY:

IN A COUPLE OF YEARS, YOU CAN HIRE YOURSELF TO SUE ME.

NOW, UNTIL THEN...

WHY DON'T YOU HOP ON UP TO THE LAP?

- [angry sigh] - COME ON.

THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM. [patting leg]

- YES, I SAW YOUR LISTING FOR A NIGHTCLUB PROMOTER.

OH, YEAH, I GO TO TONS OF CLUBS.

WELL, THERE'S HEAVEN AND HEAVEN TWO AND...

HELLO?

HI, I SAW YOUR LISTING FOR A NANNY.

OH, WELL, NO I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY REAL EXPERIENCE WITH KIDS,

BUT I JUST LOVE PLAYING WITH THEM.

I'M NORMAL.

HELLO?

YES, WELL, IF ANYTHING OPENS UP

I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU GUYS WITH YOUR...

OVERALL BUILDING UPKEEP AND MAINTENANCE.

OKAY. YEAH, THANKS ANYWAY.

[imitates gunshot]

- [giggles]

- OH, SORRY.

SHOULDN'T TAKE MY FINGER GUN OUT IN PUBLIC.

COULD CREATE A PANIC.

- I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID,

"I'M NOT THE DOG. YOU'RE THE DOG!

YOU SIT, STAY. SHUT UP!"

- IT'S OKAY STACE, IT'S OVER.

I'LL JUST FIGURE SOMETHING ELSE OUT.

- BUT HOW?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO MY MOM.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS, STACE.

I'D RATHER WORK THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM

THAN ASK FOR MONEY AND HAVE HER JUDGE ME.

[sighs] I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, OKAY?

- OKAY, I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING ON THIS.

WE CAN WIN!

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

- OKAY, THANKS ANYWAY.

- [French accent] WHY YOU SAD WITH, UH...

HORSE-FACE?

- UH, IT'S NOTHING.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A JOB.

ARE YOU FRENCH?

- MAIS OUI.

- OH, COOL, I LOVE WHAT YOU GUYS

DO WITH TOAST. - [laughs]

- SORRY, THAT WAS KIND OF A LAME JOKE.

I'M JASON.

- LUCIE.

BOF, YOU AMERICAN,

YOU ALWAYS WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

YOU NEVER FIND TIME TO ENJOY.

- EH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO ENJOY

WHEN YOU'RE LIVING ON COUCH CHANGE AND CEREAL DUST.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEED A JOB TO BUY THINGS LIKE FOOD AND...STUFF.

- DON'T BE SILLY.

THE UNIVERSE, SHE WILL PROVIDE.

- YEAH.

- COME WITH ME, I SHOW YOU.

WE HAVE ADVENTURE, EH?

- OH, YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE TO.

BUT I REALLY HAVE TO FIND A JOB.

I GOTTA, LIKE, FOCUS ON CRAIGSLIST.

- YOU'D RATHER STAY HERE WITH YOUR FRIEND CRAIG

THAN HAVE ADVENTURE WITH LUCIE?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YES, YEAH. LET'S HAVE AN ADVENTURE.

- [giggles]

- CHECK THAT OUT. - I KNOW IS BEAUTIFUL, YEAH?

- YEAH. - IT'S BETTER THAN THE CAFE.

- WOW, CHAMPAGNE CRUISE. THIS LOOKS FUN AND...

EXPENSIVE.

- COME ON.

- AH, MICHELLE, JEAN-HENRI, HELLO!

- WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ARE WE DOING? - JUST FOLLOW ME.

- TICKETS?

- OH, THEY HAVE OUR PASSES.

- OH...

- MERCI. - THANKS.

MERCI, DUDE.

THAT WAS AMAZING. - SEE?

NOW WE HAVE ADVENTURE.

- YOU'RE SO LATE, BUT I SO COVERED FOR YOU.

WHAT'S UP, HANGOVER? HANGOVER SEX?

- IT'S A LONG STORY.

IS MAYA AROUND?

I NEED TO ASK FOR AN ADVANCE. - NO, DON'T.

REMEMBER WHEN MEREDITH FROM ACCOUNTING ASKED FOR ONE?

MAYA WAS ALL, "BUH-BYE." I WOULDN'T DO IT IF I WAS YOU.

BUT IF I WAS YOU, I WOULD TOTALLY

WEAR MORE SLEEVELESS STUFF.

YOU HAVE GREAT ARMS.

MINE LOOK LIKE BABY THIGHS.

I'M SO STARTING PILATES.

- OKAY, JUST KEEP COVERING FOR ME.

THANKS, DYLAN.

- THIS IS BETTER THAN CLIMBING YOUR BORING WORK LADDER, NO?

SEE, YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THE UNIVERSE WILL TAKE YOU.

- YEAH, IT USUALLY TAKES ME TO PLACES

WHERE PEOPLE POINT AT ME AND LAUGH.

- [giggles] - THIS IS WAY BETTER.

- CHEERS.

I WILL GET MORE BUBBLES.

- OKAY.

[phone vibrates]

- HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- HEY, JAY, HOW GOES THE JOB HUNT?

- UM, YEAH, IT'S GOING, YOU KNOW.

LOTS OF IRONS IN THE FIRE, BALLS IN THE AIR...

DOGS ON THE LEASH.

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU AND YOUR LANDLORD?

STACEY GET YOU IN?

- NO, THAT FAILED.

ACTUALLY, I COULD MAYBE USE YOUR HELP IN A BIT.

- OH, REALLY? WITH WHAT?

- UH, PLAN "C."

I'M GONNA SELL MY BABIES.

- OY.

- [grunting]

[glass breaks] - AH, CRAP.

- YOU GUYS BUY PRE-OWNED CLOTHES?

- SIZE TWO AND BELOW.

NO PRAIRIE DRESSES, NO HAMMER PANTS,

NO CROP TOPS. - OKAY, COOL.

MOST OF THESE I'VE ONLY WORN A COUPLE TIMES.

- I CAN SEE WHY.

NO.

DEFINITELY NO.

YES, BARELY.

NO. - WHAT?

I FOUGHT A GIRL FOR THIS SWEATER.

I LITERALLY PUNCHED HER IN THE THROAT.

- WASN'T WORTH IT.

- HELLO. - BONJOUR, LUCIE.

- WOW, THIS PLACE IS REALLY COOL.

YOU SPLIT THE RENT WITH ALL THESE GUYS?

- OH, WE, UH, LIVE LIKE FAMILY, BUT WE DO NOT PAY.

WE ARE, HOW YOU SAY, "SQUASHING"?

- OH, I THINK YOU MEAN SQUATTING.

- YEAH. [phone vibrating]

- SORRY.

- SO, NOW WE MAKE LOVE?

OKAY FOR YOU?

- OH, OKAY.

LOVE IS GOOD.

WHERE?

- [speaks French]

- MAGNIFIQUE.

- [speaks French]

- [speaks French]

- YOU LIKE HOT BEEF?

- SORRY, I THOUGHT THAT MEANT SOMETHING SEXIER.

- OHH!

OH, GOD. - [giggles]

- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

- OH, JUST SELLING MY WARDROBE ON THE STREETS OF BROOKLYN.

I'M LIKE A GYPSY HIPSTER.

I'M A GYPSTER.

- WHAT? HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THEM?

- OH, I BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT FROM THE FIRE ESCAPE.

THE ONE STROKE OF LUCK IS THAT

THERE'S NO SAFETY BARS ON THE WINDOWS, SO...

- OKAY, HANG IN THERE, TEEN.

- HEY, SWEET BOTTOM.

HOW'S IT GOING?

I, UH, WAILED ON THE LATS TODAY.

CHECK OUT THE WINGS.

I'M LIKE A FRUIT BAT. [grunts]

- NOT NOW. - GET IN THERE.

YEAH, GET THAT. - NO.

I COULDN'T HELP TINA.

SHE HAD TO BREAK INTO HER APARTMENT

AND EVERYTHING IS A MESS.

- OH, THAT SUCKS.

IS THERE, UH, ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?

- UM, I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH A LEGAL ARGUMENT.

LET ME BOUNCE IT OFF YOU.

CAN I PLEASE? - SURE...

- OKAY, SO A CITY MARSHALL MUST SERVE THE EVICTION PERSONALLY,

OR NO EVICTION MAY TAKE PLACE.

NO EVICTION WAS SERVED, ERGO, THERE CAN BE NO EVICTION.

- ERGO, THAT SOUNDS REALLY CONVINCING.

- COME ON, THIS LANDLORD IS A TOTAL PEE HOLE.

DON'T BE SOFT ON ME.

- AH, MY WHOLE PLAN TODAY WAS TO BE HARD ON YOU.

I MEAN THAT IN A TOTALLY LOVING, "LET'S DO IT IN A POSITION

WHERE WE CAN LOOK DEEPLY INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES" KIND OF WAY.

- HEY.

- WHAT UP, JAY?

- UH, TEEN, THIS IS LUCIE.

LUCIE, THIS IS TINA.

- HELLO.

OH, I LIKE YOUR, UH, CLOTHES.

- OH, PLEASE LOOK.

UH, EVERYTHING MUST GO. - OKAY.

- SO, FRENCH, HUH?

BODY ODOR?

- A LITTLE. I MOUTH BREATHED.

- YOU KNOW, I COULD HAVE USED YOUR HELP

CARRYING ALL THIS STUFF.

BUT I LET IT GO, BECAUSE I FIGURED

YOU WERE BUSY LOOKING FOR A JOB.

- I WAS.

I MET LUCIE WHILE I WAS LOOKING

AND FIGURED IF I CAN'T FIND A JOB,

AT LEAST I MET A COOL GIRL.

YOU KNOW, A BIRD IN THE HAND'S

BETTER THAN TWO IN THE BUSH.

- CLEARLY YOU'VE NEVER HAD TWO IN THE BUSH.

- LOOK, I'M TRYING A DIFFERENT, MORE EUROPEAN PHILOSOPHY HERE.

INSTEAD OF STRESSING OVER WORK,

I'M JUST GONNA LET THE UNIVERSE PROVIDE.

- IF YOU WANNA BLOW OFF YOUR JOB SEARCH TO CHUNNEL

SOME FRENCH GIRL, WHATEVER.

BUT DON'T CALL IT A LIFE PHILOSOPHY.

CALL IT BEING...

[French accent] OH, HOW YOU SAY, A FLAKE?

- YEAH, SAYS THE GIRL WHO HASN'T

PAID HER RENT IN, WHAT, FOUR MONTHS?

- HEY, AT LEAST I'M TRYING.

- I'VE BEEN TRYING ALL WEEK.

TODAY I'M DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

- YOU MEAN DOING SOMEONE DIFFERENT.

WHATEVER, YOU AND AMELIE PLAY "HIDE THE BAGUETTE."

I'M KEEPING UP MY END OF THE DEAL.

REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU CRY TO ME LIKE A BABY

ABOUT BEING UNEMPLOYED.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE, HAVE FUN.

I KNOW I WILL.

- VIVA LE PACT!

[car horn honks]

EXCUSE ME?

HI, UH, I'M GONNA GO GET SOMETHING TO DRINK.

WOULD YOU MIND WATCHING MY CLOTHES?

WATCH MY CLOTHES?

OKAY, THANK YOU.

- MACHINE IS BROKEN. CASH ONLY.

- OH, SHOOT. I'LL OWE YOU, OKAY?

- NO, JASON'S FRIEND, THAT'S NOT OKAY.

- COME ON, I'M IN HERE EVERY DAY.

WHAT, DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY BOOBS?

- THAT COULD WORK.

- SERIOUSLY?

[laughs] NO.

UH...

WELL, MAYBE JUST MY BRA, BUT THAT'S IT.

- SKIN TO WIN, NIP TO SIP.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE...

OKAY, ONE BOOB, LIGHTNING QUICK FLASH, THAT'S IT.

- BOTH BUBBLY JUBS, 30 SECONDS, I'LL TIME YOU.

- YOU'RE BEING GREEDY AND GROSS.

ONE BOOB, TWO SECONDS.

- AH, THE LEFT ONE.

THE GOOD ONE.

I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

- [sighs]

- THANK YOU.

- [groans] UGH!

- MASTER OF NEGOTIATION.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- GOTTA CITE YOU, MISS.

LICENSE REQUIRED FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN

FOOD, ARTWORK, OR PRINTED MATTER.

- COME ON, DUDE, CUT ME SOME SLACK--I'M A CUTE GIRL.

- EH.

- [groans]

- TO MAKE THE CRESCENT ROLLS.

- NO, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT GET A CROISSANT OUT OF A CAN.

- JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE STRAIGHT DOES NOT MEAN--

- OOH, I LIKE IT.

[cell phone vibrating]

- HI. - UH, HEY, IS THIS JASON?

- YEAH, THAT'S ME.

- YEAH, YOU CALLED ABOUT THE BUILDING

MAINTENANCE POSITION?

IF YOU CAN COME BY THIS AFTERNOON

FOR AN INTERVIEW, WE HAVE AN OPENING.

WE'RE READY TO GO.

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE JOB.

WE NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP US

TAKE APART OLD MACHINES DOWNTOWN.

YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG. - WHAT THE HELL?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT THE HELL"?

- NO, SORRY, NOT YOU. - SCREW YOU.

- DID YOU JUST STEAL THAT CAMERA?

- NO...

MAYBE.

- HOW IS THIS THE UNIVERSE PROVIDING?

- WELL, SOMETIMES UNIVERSE,

SHE NEEDS A PETIT POUCE.

- WAIT-- - A LITTLE PUSH.

- WAIT A SECOND, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HOW MANY OF THESE HAVE YOU TAKEN?

- HEY-- - IS THIS TINA'S SCARF?

- NO...MAYBE.

- WAIT, PLEASE, CAN WE JUST, LIKE,

STOP AND PUT THE CAMERAS BACK?

- NO, WE GO FORWARD, AVANT.

- NO, NO, WAIT, I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU.

I'M NOT STEALING STUFF.

- JASON, I THOUGHT WE WERE COMPATIBLE.

BUT MAYBE WE ARE LIKE THE CITRUS AND THE MILK.

NOT FOR EACH OTHER.

- WAIT, PLEASE, PLEASE. YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.

- [laughs] NO, JASON, DO NOT BE SILLY.

AU REVOIR.

[alarm rings]

- STOP, SECURITY! - [screams]

- OH!

[bell jingles]

- BUSINESS IS GOOD.

- MY LEAST FAVORITE SCARF.

HOW DID YOU GET THIS?

- WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT LUCIE

WASN'T SO MUCH A LIFE PHILOSOPHER

AS SHE WAS A CRAZY KLEPTOMANIAC.

- FRENCH BITCH STOLE MY SCARF?

- PLUS A LOT OF HIGH-END ELECTRONICS.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY. I'M AN IDIOT.

- DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP, JAY.

I SHOWED BOBBY THE GOLD FOR TWO BEERS AND AN ICED TEA.

- WOW, HE REALLY HAGGLED YOU DOWN.

YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST GOTTEN A SIX-PACK.

- I HATE TO SAY THIS, JAY, BUT...SAFETY NETS?

- YEAH.

- * THAT'S WHEN YOU FIND *

* THERE'S NOTHING THERE *

* DRINK WHEN YOU SEE

* THAT NO ONE CARES

*

* YOU SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU SOON" *

- OOH, ONLY TEN MINUTES LATE. MIRACLES DO HAPPEN.

IF ONLY YOU BELIEVED IN GOD.

OH, AND SWEETHEART, YOU KNOW WHO WEARS

A BLACK BRA WITH A WHITE SHIRT?

PROSTITUTES AND FRENCH CANADIANS.

AND YOU WERE BORN IN SCARSDALE.

- SO THIS IS FUN SO FAR.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

- HOW MUCH?

- $500.

BUT ONLY UNTIL--

- YOUR AN ADULT NOW, TINA.

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE RUNNING TO ME FOR A BAILOUT

LIKE THE CAR COMPANIES.

SO...WHAT'S GOOD HERE?

- * WORDS ARE STILL A FAITHFUL FRIEND *

* SO NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO *

- SCREW THAT.

- * I CAN SEE THE FIRE IN YOU

- SO NOT WORTH IT.

- * I CAN SEE IT

- I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH TINA,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING THAT'S GONNA CONVINCE THIS GUY.

I NEED A BREAK.

- LIKE A FRO-YO BREAK,

OR "LET'S GET NAKED AND GIGGLE" BREAK?

- I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD FOR YOGURT.

FINE, BUT I MIGHT NOT BE ALL THERE MENTALLY.

- I DON'T CARE.

I MEAN THAT IN A TOTALLY LOVING--

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

I MEAN, TINA WILL BE FINE, RIGHT?

- MM-HMM.

- SHE'LL JUST, YOU KNOW,

TINA HER WAY OUT OF IT. - YEP.

- I MEAN, SHE IS RESOURCEFUL.

SHE FRICKIN' BROKE INTO HER OWN APARTMENT.

- MM-HMM.

WHAT'S UP?

- I THINK I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO HELP TINA.

- I'M SURE SHE'LL BE AS THANKFUL IN 1/2 HOUR

AS I WILL IN 15 MINUTES.

- I'LL BE BACK.

- YOU JUST MADE ME WATCH PORN.

[knocks on door]

- AH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND.

YOU HERE FOR YOUR TICK BATH OR DO YOU HAVE MY MONEY?

- THERE'S NO SAFETY BARS IN THE WINDOWS OF TINA'S BUILDING.

AND I KNOW THAT CHILDREN LIVE THERE.

AND IF I WOULD, I DON'T KNOW, REPORT THAT

TO THE HOUSING AUTHORITY, THAT WOULD COST YOU WHAT?

10 GRAND? 20?

YOU BETTER THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE I'M JUST THE KIND

OF BITCH THAT WOULD REPORT YOU!

- YOU'RE A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A GREAT LAWYER.

- THANKS.

- OH...DO YOU... UH, WORK HERE?

- UM, YEAH.

THAT'S WHY I'M SITTING IN THIS CHAIR BEHIND THIS DESK.

DUH.

- SO, THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS.

EXCEPT NOW I'VE GOT A NEW SON.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, ROGER?

- STRAIGHT UP, JABES.

- SSS! - SSS!

both: OW.

- SO, DO YOU, UH, WANT YOUR JOB BACK?

- I DO, YEAH.

GUESS I LEFT THE NEST TOO SOON, RIGHT?

- I GET IT. I'LL HIRE YOU BACK.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

I HATE ROGER.

BUT HE IS VERY GOOD AT HIS JOB.

SO, IF YOU WANT IT BACK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BEG FOR IT.

PROVE TO ME HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT.

OTHERWISE, HOW WILL I KNOW YOU WON'T FLY AWAY AGAIN?

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YEAH, JAY, BEG.

OKAY, WAIT. HERE'S YOUR MOTIVATION.

YOU DON'T WANNA MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR PARENTS

AND HAVE TO MASTURBATE IN THE BATHROOM

WITH A DOOR THAT NEVER QUITE LOCKS.

AND ACTION!

- YEAH, I--I THINK I'D RATHER LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

- JAY!

THEY'RE GONNA WALK RIGHT IN ON HIM WHILE HE'S CRANKING IT.

- [grunts softly]

- SO, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS TOMORROW, ASIDE FROM

HELPING ME LUG MY CLOTHES FROM THE POLICE STATION?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THE UNIVERSE WILL PROVIDE.

- SOMETHING'S BOUND TO COME THROUGH SOON, JAY.

- IT BETTER--AT THIS POINT, A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

HAS BECOME PRETTY MUCH THE MOST PRODUCTIVE THING

I CAN DO WITH MY TIME.

WAIT, WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I JUST WANTED ONE LAST NIGHT OF SUMMER CAMP.

AND I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WEREN'T

GONNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT WRITING

SAD POETRY INTO YOUR DREAM JOURNAL.

IT'S ALL GONNA WORK OUT. YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

- YEAH, THANKS.

- OKAY, LET'S GO TO BED.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANNA RUB ONE OUT.

I'LL, UH, PUT ON MY HEADPHONES.

- THIS IS THE FIRST PARTY

WE'VE EVER THROWN TOGETHER AS A COUPLE.

- IS IT OKAY IF I BRING SOMEBODY?

- WHO? - BRETT?

- RUH-ROH.

- I FINALLY TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL.

- I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.

I GOT A JOB.

- CHECK OUT RESTAURANT WEEK. - THANK YOU.

- JANE.