Original subtitles

- THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME,

EXCEPT THAT I'M JOBLESS AND STILL INTERESTED IN GIRLS,

WHICH IS LIKE BEING DEAD AND STILL WANTING TO BREATHE.

- WHOO! - SITTING IN A SEA

FULL OF CARGO SHORTED BOYS ISN'T HELP ME

FORGET ABOUT BRETT. - JANE, HEY--OH.

SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEBODY ELSE.

- HEY, HEALTHY BREAKFAST.

YOU GETTING READY FOR A TRIATHLON OR SOMETHING?

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WE SAID 9:30, JAY.

I'M THE ONE WHO SHOWS UP LATE.

[scoffs] EVERYTHING'S CHANGING.

- SORRY. I HAD TO DO A THING.

- WHAT THING? YOUR THING?

- NO. LOOK, I LEARNED TWO LESSONS IN CAMP--

HOW TO MAKE LANYARDS, AND NEVER ADMIT TO MASTURBATING.

I WAS ONLINE LOOKING AT JOB LISTINGS.

OKAY, AND BY THE WAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NICE

TO YOUR UNEMPLOYED, QUASI-DESPERATE FRIENDS.

WHAT'S UP? WHY ARE YOU SO CRANKY?

- I HAVE A PROBLEM.

- YEAH. CLEARLY. WHAT?

- SOMETHING'S WRONG...

DOWN THERE.

- OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU PREGNANT?

- NO. NOT UNLESS I'M HAVING A FIRE BABY.

I'M SCARED I HAVE SOMETHING, JAY.

IT'S REALLY BAD. IT'S BUMPY, LIKE...

CROTCH BRAILLE.

- EWW.

- AND IF A BLIND PERSON READ IT, IT WOULD SAY,

"HELP ME. I'M DYING, AND I HATE YOU."

- YOU KNOW, A LOT OF REALLY GREAT PEOPLE HAD STDs.

GEORGE WASHINGTON, NAPOLEON-- - DON'T JOKE.

I'M SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE.

I STOLE SOME GIRL'S LEAN CUISINE OUT OF THE FREEZER

AT WORK YESTERDAY AND SAT ON IT.

- I'M JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE FINE. I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING.

BUT WHY ARE WE GOING TO A CLINIC?

DOESN'T YOUR JOB GIVE YOU HEALTH INSURANCE?

- YEAH, BUT IT'S, LIKE, THE EMERGENCY KIND.

I HAVE, LIKE, HIT BY A BUS INSURANCE,

OR BIT BY A TIGER INSURANCE.

WHEN YOU GO TO THE LADY DOCTOR, YOU PAY IN FULL,

AND IT'S LIKE $300.

- WE SHOULD'VE BEEN CANADIAN.

- YEAH, STILL NOT WORTH IT.

- [sobbing]

- MAYBE THOSE ARE GOOD NEWS TEARS.

- OH, GOD, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

I WENT TO A GOOD COLLEGE. I'VE NEVER HAD UNPROTECTED SEX.

WELL, NOT NEVER.

BUT STILL, I'M NOT SOME CLINIC PERSON!

OH, NO OFFENSE.

- OH, HELLO.

- OF COURSE YOU'RE HERE, LENCH. YOU'RE A WALKING HERPIE.

- HA HA, NO. I VOLUNTEER HERE.

I DO. LOOKS GREAT ON THE RES.

PLUS, LENCH LIKES TO GIVE BACK. ONE LOVE, Y'ALL.

HEY, JAY.

- HEY, GUY WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR MY UNEMPLOYMENT.

- HE'S SAYING YOU'RE A DOUCHE

IN HIS NICE, RAISED-IN-THE-MIDWEST WAY.

- LOOK, I FEEL MILDLY BAD ABOUT THAT.

I'M NOT A MONSTER.

ACTUALLY, I MIGHT KNOW OF A JOB FOR YOU.

YEAH.

AN OLD COLLEAGUE OF MINE IS LOOKING TO HIRE SOMEONE

TO HELP DE-CLUTTER HER PLACE.

I COULD TEXT YOU HER INFO IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

- I'M BROKE, I'M STEALING TOILET PAPER FROM FAST FOOD PLACES.

I'D DO ALMOST ANYTHING FOR MONEY AT THIS POINT,

SO, YEAH, I'M INTERESTED, THANKS.

- NO PROB. LENCH CLEANS HIS MESSES.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO JET UPSTATE TO AN ALL-NATURAL SHOOT.

WE'RE DOING A SPREAD WHERE A SUPER-HOT WILCO GROUPIE

HELPS A HORSE BIRTH A FOAL.

BOING, NEIGH, NIPPLES.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

JUST DO WHAT I DO WHEN I GET SICK: SEE ERIC.

- UGH, FINE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT.

- HERE YOU GO.

- UGH. OKAY, I'M READY. JAY, OUT.

- WELL, BEST OF LUCK.

- [exhales] THIS IS LITERALLY MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

- TEEN, I'M NOT JUST A FRIEND. I'M A DOCTOR.

ALMOST.

I CAN HELP YOU.

- NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU.

- OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

- [exhales]

- OKAY...

[clears throat]

- EEW.

- GEE THANKS, STACE.

- NO, IT LOOKS...

PRETTY.

- UGH...

- OKAY, UH...

HERE'S THE DEAL.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE WHAT WE MEDICAL TYPES

CALL "THE LITTLE C," CHLAMYDIA.

- NO.

- DON'T PANIC.

THAT'S, LIKE, THE BEST STD YOU CAN GET.

- ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, YOU USED TO PARTY A LOT,

AND YOU'VE HAD THOSE GLASSES A WHILE.

- I'M SORRY, BUT I'M SURE.

UH, JUST IN CASE,

LET ME TAKE A PICTURE

TO, UH, SHOW MY COLLEAGUES AT SCHOOL.

- THIS BETTER NOT END UP ON SOME WEIRD FETISH SITE.

- CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES.

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING. [shutter clicks]

OH, CRAP, THIS IS BLURRY.

ANGLE YOUR HIPS MORE TOWARDS THE LIGHT, TEEN.

[shutter clicks] GOT IT.

- IT JUST LOOKS ANGRY.

- YEAH, I'M A SURPRISINGLY GOOD CLEANING PERSON.

OKAY, GREAT. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING YOU TOO. BYE.

- WHO WAS THAT?

- UH, JUST A JOB POSSIBILITY. NOTHING HUGE.

SO WHAT'S GOING ON?

- CHLAMYDIA. NAILED IT. - WASH YOUR HANDS.

- NOW WHAT DO I DO?

- ANTIBIOTICS. IT'S TOTALLY TREATABLE, DON'T WORRY.

WHAT YOU ALSO NEED TO DO IS TELL

ANY PARTNERS IN THE PAST YEAR THEY SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

IT'S PROTOCOL.

- OH...

- JUST MAKE IT YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS.

- JAY. - WHAT? TOO SOON?

HI, UM, I'M HERE TO CLEAN GWEN DONAHUE'S APARTMENT.

[elevator dings]

- HI, I'M GWEN.

- HI. - YOU MUST BE JASON.

- YEAH. NICE TO MEET YOU. - HI. COME ON IN.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IS IT, "WOW, THIS IS A BUSY PERSON

WHOSE LIFE HAS GOTTEN AWAY FROM HER" MESSY,

OR IS IT "A TWO-PART EPISODE OF HOARDERS" MESSY?

IF YOU WANT TO RUN AWAY SHRIEKING, I'LL UNDERSTAND.

- NO, PLEASE, THIS IS LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S BARELY ANYTHING TO DO.

- HMM. YOU'RE CUTE WHEN YOU LIE.

DOES 200 A DAY SOUND FAIR?

- UM, REALLY SUPER FAIR.

- GREAT. LET'S START IN THE BEDROOM.

I'VE KIND OF LET THINGS GO A LITTLE BIT IN HERE.

- OKAY, WELL, I'LL, UH, GET THINGS BACK.

- THINK OF IT THIS WAY-- YOU GET TO RECONNECT

WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE YOU HAD FUN TIMES WITH.

IT'S LIKE A SLIGHTLY ICKY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "ALL THOSE?"

HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU THINK I'VE SLEPT WITH?

[bell jingles]

- STACEY, MY FAVORITE.

TINA...

UGH.

- CAN YOU NOT BE ANNOYING TODAY?

- LIKE YOU, NO.

- SO, ANSWER ME, STACE.

HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU THINK I'VE HAD SEX WITH THIS YEAR?

- UH...

17?

- I'VE HAD SEX WITH THREE GUYS, OKAY?

TWO RANDOS AND BRETT.

- WHAT ABOUT THE SWEDISH GUY WITH THE WHITE BELT?

OR THE DJ WHO SPINS "BRUNCH TECHNO"?

- NO! JESUS! HOW BIG OF A SLUT DO YOU THINK I AM?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK ME IF I'VE HAD SEX WITH BOBBY?

- OKAY, YOU KNOW, I'M RIGHT HERE.

AND I WOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU, OKAY, TINA?

STACEY, YOU, YES.

YOU, I WOULD CLEAN LIKE A CAT DOES ITS YOUNG.

- EWW.

- LOOK, I FLIRT, I MAKE OUT, I DON'T BANG EVERYBODY.

JUST THE TWO AND BRETT...

WHO REEMERGED THE OTHER DAY AND SENT ME CHOCOLATES.

- I THOUGHT THAT WAS TOTALLY OVER.

- IT IS, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S OUR RHYTHM.

WE FIGHT, WE DON'T TALK, AND THEN ONE OF US BREAKS,

AND SUDDENLY WE'RE DRINKING WINE AND EATING FLAN SOMEWHERE.

HIS NOTE SAID HE MISSES MY CARAMEL CENTER.

- HE'S GONNA BE BUMMED WHEN HE FINDS OUT,

OOPS, THAT'S NOT CARAMEL.

- OH, GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT'S GONNA BE HARD.

[groans]

- WELL, I'LL BE YOUR BAD NEWS BUDDY.

WE'LL START WITH BRETT, RIP THE BAND-AID OFF,

AND EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE EASY.

- I GUESS.

- OKAY, I'LL JUST GIVE CHANGE TO THE UNINFESTED ONE.

- WOW, IT LOOKS GREAT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN A BED THAT INVITING IN YEARS.

KINDA MAKES ME WANT TO TRY IT OUT.

- OH, OKAY, WELL, I'LL JUST GET OUT OF YOUR WAY,

AND START IN THE LIVING ROOM, THEN.

- YOU...

SMELL PINE FRESH.

- OH, THAT'S THE, UH, FLOOR CLEANER.

MY DEODORANT'S, UH, WINTER BLAST,

BUT DOES, LIKE, WINTER REALLY HAVE A SMELL?

- MM-MM.

- SO, YOU DIDN'T MEAN TRY IT OUT BY NAPPING, HUH?

- MM-MM.

KEEP THE GLOVES ON.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

- THIS IS IT. BRETT'S BUILDING.

- BE STRONG, TEEN. THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

- I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S JUST, UH...

DOING THE RIGHT THING PRETTY MUCH MEANS

I'M NEVER GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIM EVER AGAIN.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- DO YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT?

- I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE. I JUST...

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS OVER-OVER YET.

BUT I-- I GUESS IT IS NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S, UM...

LET'S COME BACK TO HIM. LET'S START WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

IN FACT, LET'S JUST START TOMORROW.

- TEEN, WAIT UP.

- NO, COME ON. YOU'RE DONE.

IT'S YABBA DABBA DOO TIME. DAY'S OVER.

- OKAY, WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY GET THAT MUCH FINISHED.

- OH, NO, YOU DID PLENTY.

AN AMAZING JOB. THANKS.

- I'M JUST SAYING IT WAS WEIRD,

BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID I HAVE SEX WITH HER,

BUT THEN SHE PAID ME RIGHT AFTER.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? - I THINK THIS IS GOOD.

LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S SHAME FOR A MINUTE.

- WHAT ARE YOU ASKING, JAY?

ARE YOU SAYING SHE PAID YOU FOR SEX?

YOU JUST HOOKED UP WITH YOUR BOSS, EVERYONE DOES IT.

- FOR THE RECORD, I'VE NEVER HOOKED UP WITH MY BOSS.

HOW'S THIS?

- WHY DO YOU LOOK SO BIG LOVE?

- I WANT TO LOOK PURE, LIKE THEY GAVE IT TO ME.

- UH-UH. A LITTLE CULTY.

- LET ME ASK YOU, JAY, IS SHE HOT?

- YEAH, TOTALLY. REALLY CUTE.

- THERE YOU HAVE IT. HOT WOMEN DON'T PAY FOR IT.

EXCEPT ON SHOWTIME.

- ALSO, NO OFFENSE, JAY,

BUT I DON'T REALLY SEE YOU AS THE MALE ESCORT TYPE.

YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO BONY.

- YEAH, MALE PROSTITUTES

ARE, LIKE, A LITTLE MORE HUGH JACKMAN-ISH.

- OKAY, GUYS. I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT.

- [giggles] THAT'S BETTER.

PRIM, CUTE, DISEASE-FREE.

LIKE A CELEB GOING TO COURT FOR A DUI.

- GOOD. NOW BRING ME THE FROZEN PEAS.

- AH, THE INTERN.

- YEAH.

- OKAY, THIS IS GONNA BE A HARD CONVERSATION.

HIT IT HEAD ON.

[knocks] - COME IN.

- [scoffs]

- UH, HEY, KENT.

- TINA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

SO, UH...

HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M F--I'M FINE. WHAT'S...

GOING ON? ARE YOU OKAY?

[sighs] YOU'RE NICE, KENT.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN NICE.

NICE, YOUNG, CLEAN VIRGIN.

- NOT ANYMORE.

- [clears throat]

- UH, IT'S FUNNY IN LIFE HOW YOU MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

PEOPLE WHO LEAVE A LASTING IMPRESSION ON YOU.

OR IN YOU. [chuckles]

SO, UH...

- KENT, LISTEN UP. YOU MAY HAVE AN STD. CHLAMYDIA.

- WHAT?

- YEAH. YOU SHOULD GO SEE STUDENT HEALTH.

TINA IS REALLY, REALLY SORRY. IT'S A BIG BUMMER.

HAVE A GOOD ONE. NICE QUILT.

- UH, YOU'RE PROBABLY FINE.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF YOU GETTING IT

ON YOUR FIRST TRY, RIGHT?

[chuckles] BYE.

THAT WAS A LITTLE ABRUPT, STACE.

- SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO STUDY LATER.

- HEY. - HEY.

- I, UH, THOUGHT WE'D START IN THE OFFICE TODAY.

- OKAY. SOUNDS GOOD.

- UH, SO, IT'S RIGHT IN HERE.

I THINK THERE'S A DESK UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE.

BUT LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIND ANY BODIES OR OVERSIZED RODENTS.

- IF I DO, YOU'LL HEAR THE SOUND OF GIRLS SOBBING.

IT'LL BE ME.

UNLESS I ACTUALLY FIND A SOBBING GIRL,

IN WHICH CASE IT'LL BE BOTH OF US.

- [laughs]

OKAY. GOOD LUCK.

- OH. HEY, DEV.

CAN I GET YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING QUICK?

- YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YEAH, I'M TRYING TO DIAGNOSE A FRIEND OF MINE.

THIS IS THE LITTLE C, RIGHT?

- OH...

YEAH, DUDE, DEF. CHLAMYDIA CITY.

- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. THANKS.

- NEW PHONE. RAD. - OH, YEAH.

LOOK AT THESE EFFECTS.

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE I TOOK IT IN THE '70s, RIGHT?

- WHOA. [chuckles]

UH, YOU DIDN'T HIT THAT, DID YOU?

- WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR, HEINRICH,

BECAUSE YOU MAY HAVE IT TOO.

- YEAH, WE GO OUT AGAIN.

- NO, LISTEN, YOU MAY HAVE DISEASE.

PENIS DISEASE.

- I DON'T, UM... VERSTEHE.

- PICTIONARY IT.

- YOU...OWW.

SEE DOCTOR. DOC-TOR.

- OH, VERFLUCHT.

- OH, HEY.

LOOK. IT WAS A DESK AFTER ALL.

- LUCKY FOR US. HERE. SANITIZE UP.

- OH, I CAN GO WASH.

THIS ONLY KILLS 99% OF GERMS. I LIKE TO MURDER THEM ALL.

- DO YOUR HANDS.

YEAH. LIKE THAT.

NOW, DO YOUR CHEST.

THERE YOU GO. [clicks tongue]

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, AREN'T YOU?

- OKAY, IT'S DEFINITELY HAPPENING.

I'M BEING PAID FOR SEX.

- COME ON, MAN, YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUNS.

- NO, I'M TELLING YOU.

WE HAD SEX AGAIN, AND THIS TIME,

SHE PAID ME MORE THAN WE AGREED ON.

- SO?

- THIS TIME I ALSO DID MORE.

- WHAT MORE? - MOUTH STUFF.

- EXTRA FOR THAT? SEEMS STANDARD.

ALTHOUGH I AM A GENEROUS LOVER.

HOLY CRAP, JAY, YOU'RE REALLY GETTING PAID TO DO IT.

- I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY, DUDE. IT'S BAD-CRAZY.

- IS IT?

OR IS IT ACTUALLY KINDA AWESOME?

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, I COULD SAY THAT YOU'RE

MAKING A LIVING DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE.

IS THAT SO TERRIBLE?

- YEAH, NO, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SOME RUSSIAN SEX SLAVE

BEING FORCED TO GIVE A WALL STREET DUDE A PUTIN.

BUT IT IS EXCHANGING DOLLARS FOR DONG.

- YES, BUT LET'S STEP BACK, LOOK AT THIS OBJECTIVELY.

MAYBE IT'S OKAY.

MODERN. DUTCH.

- OTHER THAN THIS, SHE IS PRETTY COOL AND NORMAL.

- COMPARED TO THE OTHER MISFIT TOYS YOU USUALLY BED,

SHE KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER.

SHE'S ATTRACTIVE AND WEALTHY.

MESSY, BUT WORKING ON IT. - YEAH.

PLUS, I NEED THIS JOB.

I'M--I'M LIVING ON NOODLES AND BUTTER.

I CRAVE TOMATO SAUCE. I'M SCARED I MAY HAVE SCURVY.

- YEAH, IT SOUNDS ACCEPTABLE. SHORT-TERM ACCEPTABLE.

- BUT IN THIS ROSY SCENARIO,

IF YOU WERE TO WRITE MY JOB DOWN ON A RESUME,

IT'D STILL BE "MALE HOOKER," THOUGH, RIGHT?

- YES.

BUT, LIKE, "MODERN HIPSTER HOOKER."

YOU KNOW? "COACHELLA HOOKER."

- OKAY... BUT STILL, I'M A HOOKER.

I THINK I GOTTA QUIT. - YUP.

- HI.

THIS IS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE,

BUT, UH, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

- CAN IT WAIT? 'CAUSE I'M ON MY WAY OUT.

- NO, LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE--

WE'RE HAVING SEX.

GREAT SEX, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M LEARNING THINGS, AND THEN YOU'RE PAYING ME.

NO JUDGMENTS, BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT ANYMORE.

- UH, WAIT, YOU THINK THAT I'M PAYING YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?

- WELL, UH, AREN'T YOU?

- NO. JESUS, NO. I'M PAYING YOU TO CLEAN.

THE SEX IS SEPARATE.

I SLEEP WITH YOU BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.

DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M THE KIND OF PERSON

WHO NEEDS TO PAY FOR SEX?

- I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE.

- IT'S JUST...

JUST SO INSULTING.

- I'M SORRY, UH, COULD WE JUST FORGET THE LAST TWO MINUTES?

- FINE, YEAH, JUST...

PICK UP SOME CLEANING SUPPLIES FOR THE BATHROOM TOMORROW AND...

DON'T BE LATE.

- HEY, LENCH.

- J-BONE. HEY. BEST CLEANING JOB EVER, AM I RIGHT?

TUB DAY, HUH?

YOU, SIR, ARE IN FOR SOME WET AND WILD LOVIN', MY MAN.

SPOILER ALERT: IT'S LIKE GWEN HAS GILLS. YOU'LL SEE.

- WAIT, YOU AND GWEN?

- YEAH, I USED TO CLEAN FOR HER, DUDE.

IT'S THE FIRST JOB I GOT WHEN I MOVED TO THE CITY.

SHE'S A RARE AND GENEROUS EMPLOYER.

APPRECIATE HER.

- SO, YOU AND SHE... - OH, YEAH, DUDE.

LIKE APES. I MEAN LITERALLY LIKE APES.

THERE WERE BANANAS INVOLVED, AND SIMPLE TOOLS.

- EWW.

- IS THIS OUR FIRST CROSS-POLLINATION?

I'M PROUD TO SHARE A FLOWER WITH YOU.

BUZZ BUZZ, BITCH.

YOU DON'T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH BLEACH, BY THE WAY.

- HEY, STACE. NOT SURE WHERE YOU ARE.

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M ABOUT TO GO TO BRETT'S

AND, UH, DO THE RIGHT THING.

EVEN THOUGH THE RIGHT THING SUCKS IT.

BUT, UM, I NEED TO DO THIS ALONE.

SO...

BYE.

- GOOD MORNING. COME IN.

- HANG ON, LOOK.

GWEN, UM, I'M HERE TO CLEAN YOUR PLACE, BUT THAT'S IT.

YOU KNOW, HAVING SEX AND THEN GETTING MONEY,

IT JUST FEELS WRONG.

BELIEVE ME, I WISH IT DIDN'T.

SO, PLEASE, LET ME EARN MY PAY

BY JUST DOING WHAT YOU HIRED ME TO DO. OKAY?

BUT, THAT SAID, I THINK YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY AND COOL.

AND IF, ON A NON-WORK NIGHT,

YOU'D LIKE TO MAYBE GO ON A REAL DATE,

I'D LOVE THAT.

- YOU'RE FIRED.

- HEY, GRADES ARE UP.

- CAN I JUST-- - YEAH.

- OKAY. SORRY.

B-MINUS.

BOOM! [chuckles]

- YIKES. ANOTHER "F."

GUESS WHO'S GONNA BE SELLING ACURAS FOR HIS DAD.

- [knocks] HEY, PROFESSOR WILLIAMS?

- ERIC. WHAT'S UP?

- CAN I ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION?

- UH, SURE.

OOH...

[cell phone rings]

- ER, I CAN'T TALK. I--

- HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA.

IT'S JUST AN IRRITATION FROM WEARING SKINNY JEANS.

SO, MY "B."

- WAIT, WHAT?

[door buzzes] - HELLO?

- TOTALLY FINE.

JUST A LITTLE RASH FROM BEING A FASHIONISTA.

SOME HYDROCORTISONE, AND YOU'RE--

- HELLO? - YES! YES!

[laughs]

- HERE YOU GO.

SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE "YOU'VE GOT AN STD" THING.

MY BAD.

- YEAH, THIS APOLOGY IS GONNA REQUIRE

MORE THAN ONE OF ERIC'S FAMOUS FROZEN BLENDER DRINKS.

YOU'RE BUYING ME DINNER.

- LIKE BURRITOS, OR A SIT-DOWN DINNER?

- OH, WE WILL BE SITTING.

I'M GONNA KNUCKLE PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE WALLET.

- SO, TEEN, AFTER ALL OF THIS,

ARE YOU CONSIDERING GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH BRETT?

- MAYBE...IF HE WOOS ME.

BUT IT'S NICE TO KNOW I COULD IF I WANTED TO.

I'M JUST GLAD TO KNOW I'M NOT THE SEXUAL SAD SACK ANYMORE.

THAT HONOR BELONGS TO GIGOLO JAY.

- YEAH, NO, I'M JUST REGULAR, UNEMPLOYED JAY AGAIN.

OH, CHRIST.

I'M GONNA END UP LIVING IN ONE OF YOUR GARAGES.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING SOON.

AND IF NOT, YOU KNOW,

YOU CAN ALWAYS SELL YOUR BLOOD AND SEMEN.

[laughter]

- TO A CLEAN START.

- IN THREE TO FIVE DAYS.

- OOH...

- REALLY?

- JUST BE MY FRIENDS, GUYS.

- EVICTED? WHAT THE HELL?

- TOMORROW, I'M JUST GONNA HIT CRAIGSLIST

AND I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.

- NO SAFETY NETS. - NO SAFETY NETS.

- THE UNIVERSE, SHE WILL PROVIDE.

- VIVA LA PACT!

I'LL OWE YOU, OKAY?

- BUSINESS IS GOOD.