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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,800
- MAYBE BE MATURE
AND TEXT HIM.
2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,500
- UH, NO!
- WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
3
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,470
I JUST QUIT MY JOB
FOR AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP?
4
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,027
- I GUESS YOU'RE JUST MORE
OF A LATE NIGHT TEXT
5
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:13,603
KIND OF GIRL THAN AN INTRODUCE
TO YOUR FRIENDS KIND OF GIRL.
6
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,430
- JANE. WE HAD
THIS AMAZING NIGHT
7
00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,903
AND SHE FAKE NUMBERED ME.
8
00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:20,927
- JUST GUM, BOSS?
9
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:23,373
NO EGG SANDWICH?
EVERYTHING OKAY?
10
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:26,327
- YEAH, JUST DOWNSIZING.
11
00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:28,503
THIS COULD TAKE
A FEW MINUTES.
12
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:29,930
SORRY FOR ALL THE NICKELS.
13
00:00:29,933 --> 00:00:31,033
- YOU'RE LOOKING VERY THIN.
YOU'RE ONLY BUYING GUM.
14
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,603
YOU CAN TELL ME.
15
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,270
ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE
"MANOREXICS"?
16
00:00:35,267 --> 00:00:36,897
- NO, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH ME,
17
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,830
EXCEPT THAT I'M JOBLESS
AND STILL INTERESTED IN GIRLS,
18
00:00:39,833 --> 00:00:42,403
WHICH IS LIKE BEING DEAD
AND STILL WANTING TO BREATHE.
19
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,070
- HEY, BOBBY, CAN I HAVE
A BAGEL WITH BUTTER?
20
00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:46,567
- OKAY, JEZEBEL.
21
00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:48,227
- MORNING.
HOW'S IT GOING?
22
00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:49,433
WELL, I'LL START: TERRIBLE.
NOW YOU GO.
23
00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:50,533
- CRAPTACULAR.
24
00:00:50,533 --> 00:00:51,803
LAST NIGHT, I LOOKED UP
ALL THE GIRLS
25
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,230
BRETT'S FRIENDED
SINCE WE STOPPED TALKING.
26
00:00:53,233 --> 00:00:56,203
FYI, IT'S SIX GIRLS,
ALL AMERICAN APPAREL ADS.
27
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,900
LITERALLY, THEY'RE ALL
WEARING UNITARDS,
28
00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:00,070
ARCHING THEIR BACKS,
PRESENTING LIKE BABOONS.
29
00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,067
NICE TO KNOW HE'S HAVING SUCH
A HARD TIME GETTING OVER ME.
30
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,197
- YEAH, WELL, LEAST
YOU'RE HUNG UP
31
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,530
ON A GUY WHO'S TOLD YOU
HIS LAST NAME.
32
00:01:04,533 --> 00:01:07,703
I'M LOOKING FOR A JANE
IN BOY JEANS.
33
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,900
PLUS, YESTERDAY, I WENT DOWN
TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE,
34
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,330
AND YOU'RE ONLY ELIGIBLE
FOR MONEY IF YOU'VE BEEN FIRED,
35
00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:13,533
NOT IF YOU QUIT.
36
00:01:13,533 --> 00:01:16,803
SINGLE AND BROKE,
I'M LIVING THE DREAM.
37
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,900
- I HAVE AN IDEA.
38
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:20,130
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
39
00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:21,673
- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY,
MAKE A PACT.
40
00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:23,927
IF WE'RE BOTH STILL SINGLE
AT 40, WE GET MARRIED, RIGHT?
41
00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:25,603
- IF I'M STILL SINGLE
WHEN I'M 40,
42
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,230
I'M ADOPTING TWO
CHINESE GIRL BABIES,
43
00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,303
MOVING UPSTATE, AND SELLING
DREAM CATCHERS ONLINE.
44
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:32,900
I WAS GOING TO SAY WE NEED,
LIKE, A HUGE NIGHT OUT.
45
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:34,170
LIKE, GO DANCING.
46
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:35,327
- DANCING IS FOR
LITTLE GIRLS,
47
00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:36,673
AND I LOOK LIKE ONE
WHEN I DO IT.
48
00:01:36,667 --> 00:01:37,867
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU DON'T DANCE.
49
00:01:37,867 --> 00:01:39,067
OKAY, SCRATCH THAT.
50
00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:40,527
JUST HEAR ME OUT,
SAD FACE, OKAY?
51
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:42,173
WE NEED THIS.
52
00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:44,867
AFTER I GET OFF WORK,
WE'LL GO TO DUMONT
53
00:01:44,867 --> 00:01:47,627
AND EAT BURGERS SO RARE
WE CAN STILL HEAR THEM MOOING.
54
00:01:47,633 --> 00:01:48,803
- I ASSUME YOU'RE BUYING.
55
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,170
MY WALLET CONTAINS
ONLY DUST AND TEARS.
56
00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:51,567
- YEAH, AND WE'LL GO--
57
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:53,167
WE'LL SEE BATTLES PLAY
AT WARSAW.
58
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,897
BEN WORKS THE DOOR THERE,
AND HE OWES ME A FAVOR,
59
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:56,770
SINCE GOD KNOWS
HE NEVER BOUGHT ME DINNER.
60
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:59,427
- BEN WAS THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T
STOP DOING BORAT?
61
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:01,433
- YEAH, 'CAUSE IT WAS
ALWAYS SO FUNNY.
62
00:02:01,433 --> 00:02:03,273
DO YOU LIKE THIS?
- I LIKE IT.
63
00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:04,867
BUT IF WE'RE REALLY
GONNA GO FOR IT,
64
00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:06,867
I WILL SPEND
THE LAST OF MY FORTUNE
65
00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:08,867
AND ORDER SOME WEED
FROM FAT KEN.
66
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,297
- NICE, SOLID INVESTMENT.
67
00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:12,170
OKAY THEN,
TONIGHT IT'S ON.
68
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:15,297
WE WILL CHANGE OUR FORTUNE
THROUGH SHEER DECADENCE.
69
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,870
CRAP, I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
70
00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:18,497
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- OKAY.
71
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,200
I'LL GO HOME AND WATCH
THE VIEW, I GUESS.
72
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,400
- JASON, IT'S A BAGEL.
FREE OF CHARGE.
73
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,330
BE HEALTHY, JASON.
74
00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:27,603
LOVE YOURSELF.
75
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:31,727
PLEASE, EAT IT
IN FRONT OF ME.
76
00:02:31,733 --> 00:02:35,503
- THANKS, BOBBY.
I'M OKAY, THOUGH.
77
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:43,630
- UGH, I CAN'T DECIDE IF
I WANT REESE WITHERSPOON BANGS
78
00:02:43,633 --> 00:02:46,933
OR MORE LIKE A SURI CRUISE
LONG BOB.
79
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:48,703
- THAT'S A REALLY
TOUGH DECISION.
80
00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:50,530
I COULD SEE
HOW YOU'D BE STUCK.
81
00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:54,533
- IT'S JUST HARD BECAUSE I THINK
SURI'S HAIRCUT IS BETTER,
82
00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:57,733
BUT REESE IS
MUCH PRETTIER, SO...
83
00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:58,973
- HEY, LADY.
84
00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,267
- HEY.
85
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,597
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
86
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:03,870
- EVERYTHING'S MORE THAN OKAY.
87
00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:06,797
LOOK WHO JUST ARRIVED
STRAIGHT FROM ARIZONA.
88
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,900
- TINA!
[laughs]
89
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,270
OH, MY GOD!
90
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:13,797
YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT.
[giggles]
91
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,070
COME HERE, SORORITY SISTER.
92
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:19,067
- BREE, YOU'RE SO HERE.
93
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:20,567
[whispers]
WHY?
94
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,827
- CHECK OUT MY BLING.
95
00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:24,103
- OKAY, I DON'T KNOW YOU,
96
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,970
BUT WHATEVER WEIRD STUFF
YOU HAD TO DO TO GET THIS THING
97
00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:27,067
WAS SO WORTH IT.
98
00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:29,127
[both scream]
99
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,303
- AHH!
100
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,670
- WHY IS SHE HERE?
101
00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:35,227
- IT'S HER BACHELORETTE PARTY,
REMEMBER?
102
00:03:35,233 --> 00:03:37,533
- AHH.
103
00:03:37,533 --> 00:03:39,603
- [coughing]
104
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,630
[phone rings]
HELLO?
105
00:03:41,633 --> 00:03:44,233
- HEY, KEN.
JASON FROM EAGLE STREET.
106
00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:47,373
SO I NEED TWO ORDERS
OF FRIED CALAMARI.
107
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,067
- OH, DUDE, I'M DYING.
NO JOKE.
108
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:51,527
SERIOUSLY, I'VE GOT, LIKE,
EBOLA OR SOMETHING.
109
00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:53,403
WHEN I MOVE AROUND, THERE'S
A TRAIL OF GOO BEHIND ME.
110
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,370
IT'S LIKE I'M A SNAIL.
111
00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:58,167
I CANNOT DELIVER TONIGHT.
THE STORE IS CLOSED.
112
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,667
- OH, OKAY.
WELL, UM--
113
00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:02,597
- I MEAN,
I GUESS IF YOU WANTED TO,
114
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,170
YOU COULD COME TO ME.
115
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:05,497
- YEAH, REALLY?
SWEET, I COULD DO THAT.
116
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,970
- COOL, COOL, THEN YOU
CAN DO ME A FLAVOR.
117
00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:09,827
I NEED YOU TO PICK UP
SOME COLD SUPPLIES.
118
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,303
- OKAY, WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
119
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:13,300
- OKAY, I LIVE IN BUSHWICK,
AND NOT IN THE NICE PART
120
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,870
WHERE THEY HAVE PIRATE'S BOOTY
IN THE BODEGAS.
121
00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:16,627
NOWHERE NEAR THE TRAINS.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HOOF IT.
122
00:04:16,633 --> 00:04:18,103
[sniffles]
123
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,500
PUT YOUR MONEY IN YOUR SOCK
AND KEEP YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL.
124
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:23,330
- OKAY, JUST TELL ME
WHAT YOU NEED.
125
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:27,073
- GET A PEN.
126
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,167
- WHY ARE YOU ACTING
LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW
127
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,327
ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE PARTY?
128
00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:30,573
I'VE BEEN EMAILING YOU
FOR A MONTH.
129
00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:31,967
- EVER SINCE SHE SENT US
ALL THOSE EMAILS
130
00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:33,627
OF HER AND HER TANKINI
FROM PARADISE ISLAND,
131
00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:35,733
I FLAG ALL THE "BREEMAILS"
AS SPAM.
132
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,073
- WELL, WHATEVER,
IT'S TONIGHT AT 8:00.
133
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:38,227
DRESS CODE
IS SLUTTY CASUAL.
134
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,073
- OOH, TOTAL BUMMER, STACE,
135
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,927
BUT JAY AND I
HAVE HUGE PLANS TONIGHT.
136
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,803
YOU KNOW HOW I'M STILL TRYING
TO GET OVER BRETT?
137
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,770
WE MADE RESERVATIONS,
KINDA LOCKED IN.
138
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,727
SORRY.
- YOU CAN'T JUST BAIL.
139
00:04:47,733 --> 00:04:49,073
LOOK, I NEED YOUR HELP.
140
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:51,697
SOMEHOW I BECAME THE POINT
PERSON ON THIS MADNESS.
141
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,630
COME ON, BREE'S OUR
SORORITY SISTER,
142
00:04:53,633 --> 00:04:54,973
AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED.
143
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:56,767
- YEAH, BUT I QUIT
THAT SORORITY JUNIOR YEAR,
144
00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:58,967
SO, TECHNICALLY,
THE SISTERHOOD IS OVER.
145
00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,667
- OH.
146
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,297
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO ALONE.
147
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,870
- OKAY, FINE, I'LL COME
FOR AS LONG AS I CAN.
148
00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:07,227
WHO'S SHE MARRYING ANYWAY?
- LAIRD.
149
00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:08,633
- SHE'S STILL WITH
"UNPREPARED LAIRD"?
150
00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,233
GUY WHO NEVER HAD A CONDOM?
- SHH-SHH.
151
00:05:10,233 --> 00:05:13,073
- OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M THE FIRST OF ALL OF US
152
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:16,767
TO GET MARRIED.
[giggles]
153
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,927
DON'T WORRY, TINA,
YOU WILL FIND A MAN.
154
00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,403
YOU JUST--
155
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,600
JUST GOTTA TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
156
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,070
HMM?
157
00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:26,197
[phone vibrates]
158
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,330
- HEY.
WHERE ARE YOU?
159
00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:30,573
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
AT A JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT.
160
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:31,827
- SMALL SNAFU.
161
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,673
I NEED TO PUSH EVERYTHING
BACK AN HOUR.
162
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,597
I HAVE TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE
AT BREE'S BACHELORETTE PARTY.
163
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,970
- BREE?
164
00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:38,197
YOU MEAN THE GIRL WHO ALWAYS
THOUGHT SHE WAS PREGNANT,
165
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,400
BUT WAS JUST GASSY?
166
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,530
- YEAH.
167
00:05:40,533 --> 00:05:41,933
- YEAH, I HIT A LITTLE
SPEED BUMP MYSELF.
168
00:05:41,933 --> 00:05:44,073
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK,
IS TONIGHT STILL GONNA HAPPEN?
169
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,367
- DEFINITELY.
170
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,527
LET'S JUST MEET AT DUMONT
AT 9:00 INSTEAD, COOL?
171
00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:49,333
- OKAY, YEAH, COOL.
GAME ON.
172
00:05:49,333 --> 00:05:50,933
- [blows whistle]
- OH! UGH.
173
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,333
ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN I'M DONE
174
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:53,873
WITH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES
OF SHEBOYGAN.
175
00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:55,667
JUST HURRY, OKAY?
- SURE.
176
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:57,097
I SHALL BIKE
LIKE THE WIND.
177
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:59,530
- HEY, EVERYBODY!
SHUT UP AND LISTEN!
178
00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:00,933
[blows whistle]
179
00:06:00,933 --> 00:06:03,533
THESE ARE
YOUR HOTTIE WHISTLES.
180
00:06:03,533 --> 00:06:04,933
SO WHENEVER YOU
SEE A HOTTIE TONIGHT,
181
00:06:04,933 --> 00:06:07,673
JUST PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER
AND BLOW, OKAY?
182
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:08,667
[whistles blowing]
183
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,167
- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
184
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:12,167
IT'S AN HONOR
JUST TO BE NOMINATED.
185
00:06:12,167 --> 00:06:13,867
- ERIC, PLEASE
COME WITH US TONIGHT.
186
00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:15,867
I NEED YOU TO BE THE ONE NORMAL
PERSON I CAN TALK TO.
187
00:06:15,867 --> 00:06:17,497
- I'M SORRY, IT'S MY FIRST
NIGHT SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL.
188
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,200
FOR A MED STUDENT,
IT'S AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE.
189
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,100
IT'S LIKE OFFICIALLY POPPING
YOUR DOCTOR CHERRY.
190
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:22,670
- UGH, FYI,
POPPING YOUR CHERRY
191
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:24,127
IS NOT
AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE.
192
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,733
IT'S A BLOODY MESS YOU HAVE
TO HIDE FROM YOUR PARENTS
193
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,103
BY PRETENDING YOUR SHEETS
CAUGHT ON FIRE
194
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,200
WHILE YOU
AND SCOTT SPEILBURGER
195
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,900
WERE WORKING ON
A SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.
196
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,400
- OOH.
197
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,670
ALL RIGHT.
198
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:36,097
- OOH, LOOK AT YOU,
LOOKING LIKE A REAL DOCTOR.
199
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:37,800
- THANKS.
UH, SORRY I HAVE TO RUN.
200
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,100
LOTS TO LEARN,
LIVES TO SAVE.
201
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,600
HAVE FUN.
202
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,070
- BARACK.
- MICHELLE.
203
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,397
- TINA, PUT ON A WHISTLE.
204
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,630
- HEY, BREE WANTS US
TO WEAR THESE.
205
00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:49,273
- NOPE, NOT WEARING
PENIS JEWELRY.
206
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:51,167
- UGH, CAN YOU TRY AND ROLL
WITH IT A LITTLE?
207
00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:52,567
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL
ANY BETTER,
208
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:54,427
IT'S TECHNICALLY
A PECKER NECKLACE.
209
00:06:54,433 --> 00:06:57,633
- FEELING IS THE SAME.
FACE SURROUNDED BY BABY PENI.
210
00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:03,267
[whistle blows, cheering]
211
00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:05,197
[distant sirens]
212
00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,800
[dog barks]
213
00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:17,403
[knocks on door]
214
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,500
- IT'S OPEN.
COME IN.
215
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,800
[opera music playing]
216
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,800
*
217
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,670
[toilet flushes]
218
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,567
- HEY, MAN, SORRY
THAT TOOK SO LONG.
219
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:38,067
- UHH. DON'T LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S NOT DONE.
220
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,667
- OH, YOU PAINT?
COOL.
221
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,467
SO YOU'RE AN ARTIST
AND A WEED DEALER?
222
00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:43,897
- YEAH, ARE YOU A STONER
AND AN ART CRITIC?
223
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,270
- SORRY.
224
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:47,697
- OHH.
ECHINACEA COUGH DROPS, DUDE?
225
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,370
TASTES LIKE HIPPIES.
226
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,067
OH, MENTHOL RUB,
THANK GOD.
227
00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:53,097
FEEL LIKE I'M BREATHING
THROUGH A MILKSHAKE.
228
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,500
- GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU GOT WHAT YOU NEED.
229
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,430
SO I GUESS WE CAN
JUST DEDUCT THIS
230
00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:59,503
FROM THE COST
OF THE MATERIAL?
231
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,800
- SLOW DOWN, DUDE.
232
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,200
I NEED YOU
TO DO ME A SOLID
233
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,400
AND RUB THAT ON MY BACK.
234
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,600
- UGH, YEAH, NO.
235
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,970
- OH, OKAY.
I SEE HOW IT IS.
236
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,327
SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO HOOK
YOU UP WITH YOUR MEDICINE,
237
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:12,873
BUT YOU'RE TOO HUNG UP
ON YOUR WESTERN BODY SHAME
238
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,097
TO HELP ME OUT WITH MINE?
239
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:17,600
BE A GOD DAMN HUMAN BEING.
240
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,270
- UGH, OKAY,
LET'S JUST MAKE THIS QUICK.
241
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,797
- YEAH.
242
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,800
ALL RIGHT.
243
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,370
YOU'RE GONNA WANNA GET,
LIKE, A NICE THICK LAYER
244
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:27,597
OVER PRETTY MUCH
THE WHOLE BACK.
245
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,200
P.S., I NEED YOU
TO GO LOW.
246
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,900
BELOW THE BELT,
ABOVE THE CRACK.
247
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:33,170
YOU CAN SKIRT MY RIM.
248
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:34,827
STAY OUT OF MY MAN CAVE.
249
00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:37,133
NO DIAMONDS
IN THERE FOR YOU.
250
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,073
[exhales]
251
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:42,067
[opera music continues]
252
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:47,967
*
253
00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:54,873
[indistinct chatter]
254
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:58,597
- CHEERS!
255
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,470
[cheering]
256
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:02,467
- [blows whistle]
257
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,227
- OH, MY GOD,
I LOVE THIS SONG.
258
00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:05,933
LET'S GO DANCE.
259
00:09:05,933 --> 00:09:07,903
- ARE YOU LEAVING?
260
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:10,070
- UH, ACTUALLY, YEAH.
261
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:12,567
YOU KNOW, SITTING IN A SEA
FULL OF CARGO-SHORTED BOYS
262
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:14,327
ISN'T HELPING ME
FORGET ABOUT BRETT.
263
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:17,633
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING
IN THEIR MULTIPLE TINY POCKETS.
264
00:09:17,633 --> 00:09:18,973
- YOU'VE BEEN HERE, LIKE,
30 MINUTES.
265
00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:20,467
- UH, THAT'S NOT TRUE,
BECAUSE THEY JUST PLAYED
266
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,967
MADONNA'S IMMACULATE COLLECTION
IN ITS ENTIRETY.
267
00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:25,627
I'M SORRY, STACE,
THIS JUST ISN'T MY THING.
268
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,233
- WHAT, YOU THINK
THIS IS MY THING?
269
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,903
YOU THINK I'M THE ADULT
IN THESE SITUATIONS
270
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,470
BECAUSE I LIKE IT?
271
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:31,467
- YEAH.
272
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:32,697
IN COLLEGE,
YOU WERE AN R.A.
273
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,070
BEFORE WE'D
GO OUT TO KEGGERS,
274
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,927
YOU REMINDED EVERYONE
TO TINKLE FIRST.
275
00:09:35,933 --> 00:09:37,133
- YEAH, AND YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT ALWAYS ENDED UP
276
00:09:37,133 --> 00:09:38,503
PEEING BETWEEN
TWO PARKED CARS.
277
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,930
NEWS FLASH: I DON'T LIKE
BEING THE ADULT,
278
00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,173
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO DO
THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
279
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,067
I DID ALL THIS
STUPID PARTY PLANNING,
280
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,367
AND I ASKED YOU FOR HELP
WITH ONE THING,
281
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:48,067
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET
THE PENIS PIÑATA
282
00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:49,327
I EMAILED YOU ABOUT.
283
00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:52,803
OR, I'M SORRY, DID YOU DELETE
MY EMAIL TOO?
284
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,430
- MAYBE.
285
00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:56,973
I'M SORRY, STACE.
I'LL GO DEAL WITH THAT.
286
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,327
- YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WILL.
287
00:09:58,333 --> 00:09:59,573
YOU KNOW WHAT?
288
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,097
I'M DONE BEING RESPONSIBLE
ALL THE TIME.
289
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,170
I'M HAVING FUN TONIGHT.
290
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,767
- * NOW THEY'RE
DIGGING A HOLE *
291
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:07,027
[cheering, whistle blows]
292
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:10,733
* SENDING OUT INVITATIONS
TO HER FRIENDS BACK HOME *
293
00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:12,333
* DIGGING A HOLE
294
00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:15,333
* CUTTING HER NAME
IN STONE, OH... *
295
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:20,667
[opera music plays]
296
00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:22,667
*
297
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:23,697
- [sighs blissfully]
298
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:24,970
- I THINK I'M DONE HERE, KEN.
299
00:10:24,967 --> 00:10:26,897
YOU'RE SEASONED
AND READY FOR THE GRILL.
300
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,370
CAN I GET THE STUFF NOW?
301
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,467
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING
A FRIEND TO GO TO A CONCERT,
302
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,027
AND I'M ALREADY, LIKE,
SUPER LATE.
303
00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:33,903
- YOU KNOW WHAT, JASON,
I WOULD LOVE
304
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,670
TO BE GOING
TO A SPECIAL CONCERT
305
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,027
WITH MY SPECIAL FRIEND,
BUT I CAN'T 'CAUSE I'M DYING.
306
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:39,733
- YOU'RE NOT DYING.
- I AM DYING!
307
00:10:39,733 --> 00:10:41,803
AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT BEING
LATE TO CHUMBAWAMBA OR WHATEVER.
308
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,170
I'M GONNA BE A DEAD NOBODY
309
00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:44,727
WHO NEVER FINISHED
HIS ONE-MAN SHOW
310
00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:46,673
INSTEAD OF BEING
THE LIVING GENIUS
311
00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,197
THAT JESUS WANTS ME TO BE.
312
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,700
- I REALLY GOTTA GO, KEN.
313
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:51,030
THERE'S NO MORE MENTHOL RUB,
314
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,403
AND I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS.
315
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,570
CAN I PLEASE
JUST GET THE STUFF?
316
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:59,267
*
317
00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:05,233
- HI, UH, QUICK QUESTION.
318
00:11:05,233 --> 00:11:06,373
I'M FIRST-YEAR.
319
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:07,827
DO WE ALMOST-DOCTORS
GO IN THE MAIN DOORS
320
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,203
OR IS THERE, LIKE, A STAFF--
321
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,500
- YES, THE MAIN DOOR
DOWN THE BLOCK.
322
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,470
JUST FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF HUMAN
BLOOD AND FECES, MY MAN.
323
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:15,297
- OKAY, WELL, I'M JUST
REALLY EXCITED TO GET IN THERE,
324
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,070
YOU KNOW, START CARING,
START CURING.
325
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:19,467
JUST JOIN THE DOCTORS TRIBE.
326
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,797
- YOU HAVE ANY GUM?
327
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,870
- MAN, WE'VE BEEN HERE
FOR 23 HOURS,
328
00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:25,727
AND WE HAVEN'T DONE
ANY CARING OR CURING.
329
00:11:25,733 --> 00:11:27,403
- SO NO GUM?
330
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,600
- NO.
331
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,970
- GOOD LUCK, NEWBIE.
332
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:33,627
WELCOME TO THE TRIBE
OF HUMAN JANITORS.
333
00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,073
- SORRY,
THAT TOOK FOREVER,
334
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:36,327
BUT I GOT THE WEED.
335
00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:37,603
PROBABLY ALSO
GOT THE PLAGUE,
336
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,400
BUT WHATEVER,
I'M ON MY WAY.
337
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,130
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M STILL
AT THIS "GIRLS GONE VILE" PARTY,
338
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:43,803
SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO MEET ME HERE.
339
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,170
- OH, AREN'T BACHELORETTES
340
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:47,327
FILLED WITH SINGLE, HOT,
HORNY GIRLS?
341
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:50,873
- SINGLE, DEFINITELY.
HOTISH.
342
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:53,427
HORNY ONLY IN A "IS IT BAD
IF I GET SPRAY TAN
343
00:11:53,433 --> 00:11:55,233
IN MY THONG AREA?"
KIND OF WAY.
344
00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:57,103
- SO WE'RE NOT MAKING DINNER,
ARE WE?
345
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,870
- DINNER MIGHT BE AMENDED TO
A SLICE CONSUMED ON THE TRAIN.
346
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:02,627
EVERYTHING ELSE STANDS,
I PROMISE.
347
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:07,233
CAN YOU DO ME THE TEENIEST
FAVOR ON THE WAY HERE?
348
00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:11,733
- * A SUDDEN VIOLENT
SENSATION DESCENDS *
349
00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:14,473
* IT MAY BE AIMED AT YOU
350
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,327
* 'CAUSE, BABY *
351
00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:19,803
* I'VE LEARNED
WHAT I COULD NEVER DO *
352
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,700
*
353
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,700
[cheering and upbeat music]
354
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,070
*
355
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:29,867
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
356
00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,167
- UH, NO, THANK YOU THOUGH.
357
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,767
- OH, ALL RIGHT,
GROW UP, HUH?
358
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:33,767
- JAY!
359
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,227
JAY!
360
00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:36,533
IS THAT A PENIS PIÑATA
IN YOUR HAND
361
00:12:36,533 --> 00:12:37,833
OR ARE YOU JUST
HAPPY TO SEE ME?
362
00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,203
- NICE NECKLACE.
363
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,930
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR CLAVICLE'S
GETTING GANG BANGED.
364
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,403
- YEAH, IT'S CANDY.
365
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,230
IT'S SHAPED LIKE THE FRONT
BUT IT TASTES LIKE THE BACK.
366
00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:45,673
- GROSS.
CAN WE GO NOW?
367
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:46,967
- SADLY, NO.
368
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:50,067
A LITTLE SNAFU HAS DEVELOPED
SINCE WE LAST SPOKE.
369
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,397
- OH, JESUS.
370
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,430
LOOK WHO'S HAD A THIMBLE
FULL OF GOLDSCHLAGER.
371
00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:55,233
SLOPPY STACEY'S
IN THE HOUSE.
372
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,603
- JASON!
JASON, COME DANCE WITH US.
373
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,700
- STACE.
- COME DANCE.
374
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,430
- STACE, STACE,
NO, I DON'T DANCE,
375
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,073
ESPECIALLY WITH GIRLS I HAVE NO
CHANCE OF FOOLING AROUND WITH.
376
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,197
- WHATEVER, GUYS.
377
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,770
I'M GONNA GO DANCE
WITH MY REAL FRIENDS.
378
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:08,497
FRIENDS FOREVER!
379
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,200
- WE'RE NOT MAKING IT
TO THE CONCERT, ARE WE?
380
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,730
- NO, NO,
WE DEFINITELY ARE.
381
00:13:11,733 --> 00:13:14,233
I'M GONNA LURE STACEY OFF
THE BAR WITH A MOZZARELLA STICK.
382
00:13:14,233 --> 00:13:16,873
SHE STILL SEEMS TO BE RESPONDING
TO THE SMELL OF GREASE.
383
00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:18,597
YOU WILL GRAB BREE,
384
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,300
AND WE'LL DUMP THEM
AT STACEY'S.
385
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,200
- THEN WE GET INTO A CAB,
GO TO THE CONCERT,
386
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,070
AND GET SO HIGH WE KILL
THE PARTS OF OUR BRAINS
387
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,827
THAT MIGHT REMEMBER
THIS SHAME FEST.
388
00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:27,133
- IT'S STILL EARLY, RIGHT?
389
00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:28,603
THEY'RE PROBABLY STILL
PLAYING THE NEW STUFF.
390
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,600
WE COULD DEFINITELY MAKE IT
THERE FOR THE CLASSIC STUFF.
391
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,470
- YEAH, CLASSIC STUFF RULES.
392
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:33,827
- * YOU KNOW WE NEVER LISTEN
393
00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:34,903
- COME.
394
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,900
[hip-hop music]
395
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:38,900
*
396
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:42,300
- UM, HEY, BREE!
397
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,330
- JASON?
398
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,473
OH, MY GOD, CUTIE JASON.
399
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,897
DID YOU HEAR
I'M GETTING MARRIED?
400
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,900
- YEP, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE THAT
ABOUT-TO-BE-MARRIED GLOW.
401
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:54,070
- IT'S JUST BODY GLITTER
AND LADY SWEAT.
402
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,927
- GREAT, OKAY,
TIME TO GO.
403
00:13:55,933 --> 00:13:57,903
- OH.
- [squeals]
404
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:04,967
IN COLLEGE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
YOU WERE SO FUNNY.
405
00:14:04,967 --> 00:14:06,527
- THAT'S NICE.
406
00:14:06,533 --> 00:14:11,273
- I ALSO THOUGHT
YOU WERE REALLY CUTE TOO.
407
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,227
YOU'RE LIKE
A PRETTY TWEEN GIRL.
408
00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:15,773
- THAT'S A WEIRD COMPLIMENT.
409
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,397
- I KNOW.
410
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,270
- [grunts]
- [giggling]
411
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:23,897
- WHOO!
412
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,230
[giggles]
413
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,303
- BREE, BREE, BREE.
- WHAT?
414
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,430
- MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP.
415
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:32,203
- SHUT UP
AND KEEP BEING HOT.
416
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,770
- * IT'S PRETTY MUCH
A DONE DEAL AT THIS POINT *
417
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:37,797
- HEY, IT'S TIME TO GO.
418
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,630
- * YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE *
419
00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:42,773
- REMEMBER HOW
YOU ONCE TOLD ME
420
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,397
TO TELL YOU
IF YOU GOT TOO SLOPPY
421
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,700
AND YOU MIGHT REGRET IT
THE NEXT DAY?
422
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,070
WE'RE THERE, STACE.
423
00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:50,267
YOU'VE BEEN THERE SINCE
YOU HEAD-BUTTED THE BARTENDER
424
00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:51,627
WITH YOUR PENIS HORNS.
425
00:14:51,633 --> 00:14:53,533
- HA!
I REMEMBER NOTHING.
426
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:56,703
EXCEPT I REMEMBER WHEELING YOU
HOME IN A SHOPPING CART ONCE.
427
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,800
IT'S MY TURN.
428
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,600
WHEEL ME, BITCH!
429
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,630
- YEAH!
430
00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,673
CAT FIGHT!
- PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!
431
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:07,067
- YOU PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!
432
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,297
- MMM.
433
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:10,370
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT AM I DOING?
434
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,067
LAIRD IS GONNA BE SO PISSED.
435
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:15,067
- YEAH, I'D BE PISSED TOO
IF I WAS LAIRD.
436
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,667
MOSTLY BECAUSE
MY NAME IS LAIRD.
437
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,297
WE SHOULD STOP.
438
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:22,070
- I DON'T WANNA.
439
00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:24,797
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M GONNA MARRY
440
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,470
THE ONLY PERSON
I'VE EVER BEEN WITH.
441
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:29,167
I'VE ONLY TOUCHED
ONE THINGY.
442
00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,067
CAN I FEEL YOURS?
443
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,827
- I DON'T KNOW,
THAT'S A BAD IDEA.
444
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:33,973
- [grunts]
- OW.
445
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,597
BREE, YOUR RING
IS REALLY SHARP.
446
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,300
[groans]
447
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:39,800
- IT'S SO WEIRD.
448
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,630
YOU'RE ALMOST EXACTLY
THE SAME SIZE AS LAIRD,
449
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:46,833
BUT YOURS IS SMOOTH,
LIKE A FROG.
450
00:15:46,833 --> 00:15:48,103
- BREE, JUST LET IT GO.
451
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,800
YOU'RE CUTTING OFF
ITS AIR SUPPLY.
452
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,430
- MAYBE I SHOULD TURN
YOUR FROG INTO A PRINCE.
453
00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:53,903
- NO, NO, BREE.
454
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,170
- JAY? JAY!
455
00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:56,497
OH, DUDE!
456
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,170
- I AM THE VICTIM HERE.
457
00:15:58,167 --> 00:15:59,667
I AM THE VICTIM HERE!
458
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,227
[overlapping chatter]
459
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:03,903
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
460
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,670
- DID SHE FIND ANY LUMPS?
461
00:16:05,667 --> 00:16:06,827
- NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.
462
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,333
SHE WAS KNEADING IT
LIKE IT WAS RAW DOUGH.
463
00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:11,503
- GIRLFRIEND,
ARE YOU OKAY?
464
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,270
- [retches]
465
00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:15,227
- OH, GOD.
466
00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:16,773
- WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
467
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:20,097
- OHH. OOH.
468
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,730
- HI, NERDFACE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
469
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,803
LOOK LIKE YOU HELPED
A GOAT GIVE BIRTH.
470
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,830
- I HAD MY FIRST NIGHT
AT THE HOSPITAL.
471
00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:29,233
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
PEOPLE--PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.
472
00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:31,073
- YOU'RE TELLING ME
ABOUT PEOPLE?
473
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,227
I'VE HAD MEN TELL ME THEY'LL
GET A GIRL TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
474
00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:34,773
IF I GIVE THEM
FREE MALT LIQUOR.
475
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,097
AND I TELL THEM NO,
476
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,730
'CAUSE I KNOW
THERE'S NO GIRL.
477
00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:39,633
IT'S JUST THEIR HAND
IN THE SHAPE OF A GIRL.
478
00:16:39,633 --> 00:16:41,403
THAT IS NOT
HOW BUSINESS IS DONE.
479
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,100
- I HELPED DRAIN A BOIL TONIGHT
THE SIZE OF A HOCKEY PUCK
480
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,370
FROM AN OLD MAN'S GROIN.
481
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:46,497
ONE OF THE OTHER STUDENTS
THREW UP FROM THE SMELL.
482
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,800
- SMELL?
483
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,800
YOU KNOW HOW MANY HOMELESS
DO BATHROOM HERE?
484
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,500
AND I HAVE NO BATHROOM, MAN.
485
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,870
EVERY DAY I'M IN THE BACK
WITH THE HOSE, HOSING.
486
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:55,797
- TONIGHT, IT SEEMS LIKE
THAT'S WHAT BEING A DOCTOR IS,
487
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,170
HOSING DOWN HUMANITY.
488
00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,897
OKAY, I'M GOING TO MY VERY
CLEAN APARTMENT TO SLEEP
489
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,800
AND TO TRY
TO NOT HAVE NIGHTMARES.
490
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,070
- YOU CAN TRY,
491
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,067
BUT VISIONS,
YOU CAN'T HOSE THEM AWAY.
492
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,570
SO GOOD NIGHT.
493
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:13,067
OH.
494
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,627
- WE'RE STILL BREE AND LAIRD,
495
00:17:21,633 --> 00:17:24,733
AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY
EVEN EVER, YOU KNOW?
496
00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:25,933
- WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON IN HERE?
497
00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:26,933
- WE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
498
00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:27,933
- THEY BROKE US.
499
00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,303
- BABE, IS THAT YOU?
500
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,730
THE ROOM WON'T STOP SPINNING.
- SHE'S OKAY.
501
00:17:31,733 --> 00:17:33,633
SHE JUST DRANK HER WEIGHT
IN SMIRNOFF ICE.
502
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:35,673
- WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS ONE?
- LAIRD DRAMA.
503
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,967
BRIEFLY THOUGHT SHE WANTED TO
HAVE SEX WITH ME, THEN DIDN'T.
504
00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:39,567
MY USUAL STORY WITH GIRLS.
505
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:40,597
- HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?
506
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,530
- UH, A LOT LIKE THIS
ACTUALLY.
507
00:17:43,533 --> 00:17:45,773
STACE, HERE,
DRINK ALL THIS
508
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,067
AND PUT THIS ON YOUR HEAD.
509
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,067
HERE, DRINK.
HEAD, GOOD.
510
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,427
STAND BY.
511
00:17:51,433 --> 00:17:53,303
HERE, TAKE THIS.
512
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,430
LET ME--THANK YOU.
513
00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:58,373
LAIRD, HEY, BUDDY,
HOW YOU DOING?
514
00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:00,067
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU REMEMBER ME OR NOT.
515
00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:02,697
UH, STACEY'S BOYFRIEND, ERIC.
516
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,830
YEAH, THE BLACK GUY.
517
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,533
LISTEN, WHATEVER BREE SAYS,
518
00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:08,203
DON'T TAKE IT
TOO SERIOUSLY, OKAY?
519
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,130
SHE'S GOT FOOD POISONING.
520
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,603
SHE'S GONNA BE FINE.
521
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,930
WHAT?
522
00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:16,173
BECAUSE I'M A DOCTOR.
523
00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:18,467
FINE, ALMOST A DOCTOR.
HERE YOU GO.
524
00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:20,327
- ERIC, DUDE,
NOT TO BE UNGRATEFUL,
525
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,673
BUT YOU GOT THIS, RIGHT?
526
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,197
- YEAH, YOU GUYS CAN GO.
527
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,730
- BLESS YOU.
- I'VE GOT THIS.
528
00:18:25,733 --> 00:18:28,333
- STACE, I JUST HAVE TO SAY
I'M REALLY SORRY, OKAY?
529
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,773
I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT
THE WHOLE NIGHT ON YOU.
530
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:32,367
I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
531
00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:34,697
YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.
532
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,300
ALSO, BRETT'S AN ASS HEAD.
533
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,900
GO MEET SOMEONE TONS BETTER.
534
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,400
- OKAY.
FEEL BETTER.
535
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,470
- BYE.
- GO LIKE THE WIND.
536
00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:44,667
- BYE, GUYS.
537
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:48,227
- I DON'T--I THINK I COULD
ONLY TICKLE TONIGHT.
538
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,703
- NO!
539
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:58,070
DAMN IT!
OH, GOD, SERIOUSLY?
540
00:18:58,067 --> 00:18:59,827
YOU KNOW, ALL I WANTED TO DO
TONIGHT WAS TO EAT MEAT,
541
00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:01,603
HEAR MUSIC, AND LOOK
AT CUTE INDIE BOYS.
542
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,430
DID IT HAVE TO BE
SO FRICKIN' IMPOSSIBLE?
543
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:05,273
- YOU KNOW, I GUESS
WHEN YOUR LIFE'S SUCKING,
544
00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:07,927
YOU CAN'T JUST DECIDE YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE THIS AWESOME NIGHT
545
00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:09,333
AND HAVE IT ACTUALLY
WORK OUT.
546
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,503
NO, IF YOUR LIFE'S GOING GREAT,
YOU CAN DO THAT.
547
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:14,530
ME, I JUST END UP LIGHTING
100 BUCKS I DON'T HAVE ON FIRE
548
00:19:14,533 --> 00:19:16,603
FOR COLD MEDS,
A PENIS PIÑATA,
549
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,900
AND WEED I DIDN'T EVEN
GET TO SMOKE.
550
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:24,900
- NIGHT'S OVER.
LET'S GO HOME.
551
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,900
[upbeat indie music]
552
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:35,770
*
553
00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:44,403
- ALL RIGHT, WELL,
SORRY THAT SUCKED.
554
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,530
- WE COULD HAVE JUST
SAT AROUND WALLOWING.
555
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,073
AT LEAST WE TRIED.
556
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:52,067
[marching band music]
557
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,597
OH, THOSE HIPSTERS AND THEIR
IRONIC MARCHING BANDS,
558
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,330
ALWAYS KNOWING JUST WHEN
TO COME AROUND.
559
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,173
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
THE KINDA CRAP BRETT LOVES.
560
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:00,327
IDIOT.
561
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,073
*
562
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:03,697
- YOU'RE REALLY BUMMED, HUH?
563
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:07,630
- I'M MORE JUST
EXISTENTIALLY DISAPPOINTED.
564
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,700
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
565
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:14,600
- TO KEEP TRYIN'!
566
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,570
COME ON, TEEN.
567
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:20,327
I GOT THE DEVIL IN ME!
568
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:22,503
- I SEE WHY
YOU DON'T DANCE.
569
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,970
- OH, WHAT,
YOU DON'T LIKE THESE MOVES?
570
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:27,427
- NO, I DON'T.
571
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:28,703
- YOU DON'T?
572
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:29,900
THIS ONE'S GOLD.
573
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,630
- [laughs]
574
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,533
- I MIGHT KNOW OF A JOB
FOR YOU.
575
00:20:40,533 --> 00:20:42,333
- I'M HERE TO CLEAN
GWEN DONAHUE'S APARTMENT.
576
00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:44,273
- KEEP THE GLOVES ON.
577
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:46,227
- IT'S DEFINITELY HAPPENING.
I'M BEING PAID FOR SEX.
578
00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:47,903
- SOMETHING'S WRONG...
DOWN THERE.
579
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,100
- I'M NOT JUST A FRIEND.
I'M A DOCTOR.
580
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:50,770
- IT JUST LOOKS ANGRY.
41317
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