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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,800 - MAYBE BE MATURE AND TEXT HIM. 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,500 - UH, NO! - WHAT THE HELL, MAN? 3 00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,470 I JUST QUIT MY JOB FOR AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP? 4 00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,027 - I GUESS YOU'RE JUST MORE OF A LATE NIGHT TEXT 5 00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:13,603 KIND OF GIRL THAN AN INTRODUCE TO YOUR FRIENDS KIND OF GIRL. 6 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,430 - JANE. WE HAD THIS AMAZING NIGHT 7 00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,903 AND SHE FAKE NUMBERED ME. 8 00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:20,927 - JUST GUM, BOSS? 9 00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:23,373 NO EGG SANDWICH? EVERYTHING OKAY? 10 00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:26,327 - YEAH, JUST DOWNSIZING. 11 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:28,503 THIS COULD TAKE A FEW MINUTES. 12 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:29,930 SORRY FOR ALL THE NICKELS. 13 00:00:29,933 --> 00:00:31,033 - YOU'RE LOOKING VERY THIN. YOU'RE ONLY BUYING GUM. 14 00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,603 YOU CAN TELL ME. 15 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,270 ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE "MANOREXICS"? 16 00:00:35,267 --> 00:00:36,897 - NO, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, 17 00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,830 EXCEPT THAT I'M JOBLESS AND STILL INTERESTED IN GIRLS, 18 00:00:39,833 --> 00:00:42,403 WHICH IS LIKE BEING DEAD AND STILL WANTING TO BREATHE. 19 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,070 - HEY, BOBBY, CAN I HAVE A BAGEL WITH BUTTER? 20 00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:46,567 - OKAY, JEZEBEL. 21 00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:48,227 - MORNING. HOW'S IT GOING? 22 00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:49,433 WELL, I'LL START: TERRIBLE. NOW YOU GO. 23 00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:50,533 - CRAPTACULAR. 24 00:00:50,533 --> 00:00:51,803 LAST NIGHT, I LOOKED UP ALL THE GIRLS 25 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,230 BRETT'S FRIENDED SINCE WE STOPPED TALKING. 26 00:00:53,233 --> 00:00:56,203 FYI, IT'S SIX GIRLS, ALL AMERICAN APPAREL ADS. 27 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,900 LITERALLY, THEY'RE ALL WEARING UNITARDS, 28 00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:00,070 ARCHING THEIR BACKS, PRESENTING LIKE BABOONS. 29 00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,067 NICE TO KNOW HE'S HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME GETTING OVER ME. 30 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,197 - YEAH, WELL, LEAST YOU'RE HUNG UP 31 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,530 ON A GUY WHO'S TOLD YOU HIS LAST NAME. 32 00:01:04,533 --> 00:01:07,703 I'M LOOKING FOR A JANE IN BOY JEANS. 33 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,900 PLUS, YESTERDAY, I WENT DOWN TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE, 34 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,330 AND YOU'RE ONLY ELIGIBLE FOR MONEY IF YOU'VE BEEN FIRED, 35 00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:13,533 NOT IF YOU QUIT. 36 00:01:13,533 --> 00:01:16,803 SINGLE AND BROKE, I'M LIVING THE DREAM. 37 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,900 - I HAVE AN IDEA. 38 00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:20,130 - YOU'RE WELCOME. 39 00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:21,673 - I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY, MAKE A PACT. 40 00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:23,927 IF WE'RE BOTH STILL SINGLE AT 40, WE GET MARRIED, RIGHT? 41 00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:25,603 - IF I'M STILL SINGLE WHEN I'M 40, 42 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,230 I'M ADOPTING TWO CHINESE GIRL BABIES, 43 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,303 MOVING UPSTATE, AND SELLING DREAM CATCHERS ONLINE. 44 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:32,900 I WAS GOING TO SAY WE NEED, LIKE, A HUGE NIGHT OUT. 45 00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:34,170 LIKE, GO DANCING. 46 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:35,327 - DANCING IS FOR LITTLE GIRLS, 47 00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:36,673 AND I LOOK LIKE ONE WHEN I DO IT. 48 00:01:36,667 --> 00:01:37,867 - OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DON'T DANCE. 49 00:01:37,867 --> 00:01:39,067 OKAY, SCRATCH THAT. 50 00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:40,527 JUST HEAR ME OUT, SAD FACE, OKAY? 51 00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:42,173 WE NEED THIS. 52 00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:44,867 AFTER I GET OFF WORK, WE'LL GO TO DUMONT 53 00:01:44,867 --> 00:01:47,627 AND EAT BURGERS SO RARE WE CAN STILL HEAR THEM MOOING. 54 00:01:47,633 --> 00:01:48,803 - I ASSUME YOU'RE BUYING. 55 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,170 MY WALLET CONTAINS ONLY DUST AND TEARS. 56 00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:51,567 - YEAH, AND WE'LL GO-- 57 00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:53,167 WE'LL SEE BATTLES PLAY AT WARSAW. 58 00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,897 BEN WORKS THE DOOR THERE, AND HE OWES ME A FAVOR, 59 00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:56,770 SINCE GOD KNOWS HE NEVER BOUGHT ME DINNER. 60 00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:59,427 - BEN WAS THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T STOP DOING BORAT? 61 00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:01,433 - YEAH, 'CAUSE IT WAS ALWAYS SO FUNNY. 62 00:02:01,433 --> 00:02:03,273 DO YOU LIKE THIS? - I LIKE IT. 63 00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:04,867 BUT IF WE'RE REALLY GONNA GO FOR IT, 64 00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:06,867 I WILL SPEND THE LAST OF MY FORTUNE 65 00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:08,867 AND ORDER SOME WEED FROM FAT KEN. 66 00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,297 - NICE, SOLID INVESTMENT. 67 00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:12,170 OKAY THEN, TONIGHT IT'S ON. 68 00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:15,297 WE WILL CHANGE OUR FORTUNE THROUGH SHEER DECADENCE. 69 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,870 CRAP, I GOTTA GET TO WORK. 70 00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:18,497 I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - OKAY. 71 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,200 I'LL GO HOME AND WATCH THE VIEW, I GUESS. 72 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,400 - JASON, IT'S A BAGEL. FREE OF CHARGE. 73 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,330 BE HEALTHY, JASON. 74 00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:27,603 LOVE YOURSELF. 75 00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:31,727 PLEASE, EAT IT IN FRONT OF ME. 76 00:02:31,733 --> 00:02:35,503 - THANKS, BOBBY. I'M OKAY, THOUGH. 77 00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:43,630 - UGH, I CAN'T DECIDE IF I WANT REESE WITHERSPOON BANGS 78 00:02:43,633 --> 00:02:46,933 OR MORE LIKE A SURI CRUISE LONG BOB. 79 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:48,703 - THAT'S A REALLY TOUGH DECISION. 80 00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:50,530 I COULD SEE HOW YOU'D BE STUCK. 81 00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:54,533 - IT'S JUST HARD BECAUSE I THINK SURI'S HAIRCUT IS BETTER, 82 00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:57,733 BUT REESE IS MUCH PRETTIER, SO... 83 00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:58,973 - HEY, LADY. 84 00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,267 - HEY. 85 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,597 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 86 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:03,870 - EVERYTHING'S MORE THAN OKAY. 87 00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:06,797 LOOK WHO JUST ARRIVED STRAIGHT FROM ARIZONA. 88 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,900 - TINA! [laughs] 89 00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,270 OH, MY GOD! 90 00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:13,797 YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT. [giggles] 91 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,070 COME HERE, SORORITY SISTER. 92 00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:19,067 - BREE, YOU'RE SO HERE. 93 00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:20,567 [whispers] WHY? 94 00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,827 - CHECK OUT MY BLING. 95 00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:24,103 - OKAY, I DON'T KNOW YOU, 96 00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,970 BUT WHATEVER WEIRD STUFF YOU HAD TO DO TO GET THIS THING 97 00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:27,067 WAS SO WORTH IT. 98 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:29,127 [both scream] 99 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,303 - AHH! 100 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,670 - WHY IS SHE HERE? 101 00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:35,227 - IT'S HER BACHELORETTE PARTY, REMEMBER? 102 00:03:35,233 --> 00:03:37,533 - AHH. 103 00:03:37,533 --> 00:03:39,603 - [coughing] 104 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,630 [phone rings] HELLO? 105 00:03:41,633 --> 00:03:44,233 - HEY, KEN. JASON FROM EAGLE STREET. 106 00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:47,373 SO I NEED TWO ORDERS OF FRIED CALAMARI. 107 00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,067 - OH, DUDE, I'M DYING. NO JOKE. 108 00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:51,527 SERIOUSLY, I'VE GOT, LIKE, EBOLA OR SOMETHING. 109 00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:53,403 WHEN I MOVE AROUND, THERE'S A TRAIL OF GOO BEHIND ME. 110 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,370 IT'S LIKE I'M A SNAIL. 111 00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:58,167 I CANNOT DELIVER TONIGHT. THE STORE IS CLOSED. 112 00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,667 - OH, OKAY. WELL, UM-- 113 00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:02,597 - I MEAN, I GUESS IF YOU WANTED TO, 114 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,170 YOU COULD COME TO ME. 115 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:05,497 - YEAH, REALLY? SWEET, I COULD DO THAT. 116 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,970 - COOL, COOL, THEN YOU CAN DO ME A FLAVOR. 117 00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:09,827 I NEED YOU TO PICK UP SOME COLD SUPPLIES. 118 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,303 - OKAY, WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 119 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:13,300 - OKAY, I LIVE IN BUSHWICK, AND NOT IN THE NICE PART 120 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,870 WHERE THEY HAVE PIRATE'S BOOTY IN THE BODEGAS. 121 00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:16,627 NOWHERE NEAR THE TRAINS. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HOOF IT. 122 00:04:16,633 --> 00:04:18,103 [sniffles] 123 00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,500 PUT YOUR MONEY IN YOUR SOCK AND KEEP YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL. 124 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:23,330 - OKAY, JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED. 125 00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:27,073 - GET A PEN. 126 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,167 - WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW 127 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,327 ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE PARTY? 128 00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:30,573 I'VE BEEN EMAILING YOU FOR A MONTH. 129 00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:31,967 - EVER SINCE SHE SENT US ALL THOSE EMAILS 130 00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:33,627 OF HER AND HER TANKINI FROM PARADISE ISLAND, 131 00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:35,733 I FLAG ALL THE "BREEMAILS" AS SPAM. 132 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,073 - WELL, WHATEVER, IT'S TONIGHT AT 8:00. 133 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:38,227 DRESS CODE IS SLUTTY CASUAL. 134 00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,073 - OOH, TOTAL BUMMER, STACE, 135 00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,927 BUT JAY AND I HAVE HUGE PLANS TONIGHT. 136 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,803 YOU KNOW HOW I'M STILL TRYING TO GET OVER BRETT? 137 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,770 WE MADE RESERVATIONS, KINDA LOCKED IN. 138 00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,727 SORRY. - YOU CAN'T JUST BAIL. 139 00:04:47,733 --> 00:04:49,073 LOOK, I NEED YOUR HELP. 140 00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:51,697 SOMEHOW I BECAME THE POINT PERSON ON THIS MADNESS. 141 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,630 COME ON, BREE'S OUR SORORITY SISTER, 142 00:04:53,633 --> 00:04:54,973 AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED. 143 00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:56,767 - YEAH, BUT I QUIT THAT SORORITY JUNIOR YEAR, 144 00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:58,967 SO, TECHNICALLY, THE SISTERHOOD IS OVER. 145 00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,667 - OH. 146 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,297 PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO ALONE. 147 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,870 - OKAY, FINE, I'LL COME FOR AS LONG AS I CAN. 148 00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:07,227 WHO'S SHE MARRYING ANYWAY? - LAIRD. 149 00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:08,633 - SHE'S STILL WITH "UNPREPARED LAIRD"? 150 00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,233 GUY WHO NEVER HAD A CONDOM? - SHH-SHH. 151 00:05:10,233 --> 00:05:13,073 - OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M THE FIRST OF ALL OF US 152 00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:16,767 TO GET MARRIED. [giggles] 153 00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,927 DON'T WORRY, TINA, YOU WILL FIND A MAN. 154 00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,403 YOU JUST-- 155 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,600 JUST GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 156 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,070 HMM? 157 00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:26,197 [phone vibrates] 158 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,330 - HEY. WHERE ARE YOU? 159 00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:30,573 SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE AT A JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT. 160 00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:31,827 - SMALL SNAFU. 161 00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,673 I NEED TO PUSH EVERYTHING BACK AN HOUR. 162 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,597 I HAVE TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT BREE'S BACHELORETTE PARTY. 163 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,970 - BREE? 164 00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:38,197 YOU MEAN THE GIRL WHO ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS PREGNANT, 165 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,400 BUT WAS JUST GASSY? 166 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,530 - YEAH. 167 00:05:40,533 --> 00:05:41,933 - YEAH, I HIT A LITTLE SPEED BUMP MYSELF. 168 00:05:41,933 --> 00:05:44,073 SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, IS TONIGHT STILL GONNA HAPPEN? 169 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,367 - DEFINITELY. 170 00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,527 LET'S JUST MEET AT DUMONT AT 9:00 INSTEAD, COOL? 171 00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:49,333 - OKAY, YEAH, COOL. GAME ON. 172 00:05:49,333 --> 00:05:50,933 - [blows whistle] - OH! UGH. 173 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,333 ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I'M DONE 174 00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:53,873 WITH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SHEBOYGAN. 175 00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:55,667 JUST HURRY, OKAY? - SURE. 176 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:57,097 I SHALL BIKE LIKE THE WIND. 177 00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:59,530 - HEY, EVERYBODY! SHUT UP AND LISTEN! 178 00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:00,933 [blows whistle] 179 00:06:00,933 --> 00:06:03,533 THESE ARE YOUR HOTTIE WHISTLES. 180 00:06:03,533 --> 00:06:04,933 SO WHENEVER YOU SEE A HOTTIE TONIGHT, 181 00:06:04,933 --> 00:06:07,673 JUST PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER AND BLOW, OKAY? 182 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:08,667 [whistles blowing] 183 00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,167 - ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 184 00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:12,167 IT'S AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED. 185 00:06:12,167 --> 00:06:13,867 - ERIC, PLEASE COME WITH US TONIGHT. 186 00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:15,867 I NEED YOU TO BE THE ONE NORMAL PERSON I CAN TALK TO. 187 00:06:15,867 --> 00:06:17,497 - I'M SORRY, IT'S MY FIRST NIGHT SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL. 188 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,200 FOR A MED STUDENT, IT'S AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE. 189 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,100 IT'S LIKE OFFICIALLY POPPING YOUR DOCTOR CHERRY. 190 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:22,670 - UGH, FYI, POPPING YOUR CHERRY 191 00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:24,127 IS NOT AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE. 192 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,733 IT'S A BLOODY MESS YOU HAVE TO HIDE FROM YOUR PARENTS 193 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,103 BY PRETENDING YOUR SHEETS CAUGHT ON FIRE 194 00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,200 WHILE YOU AND SCOTT SPEILBURGER 195 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,900 WERE WORKING ON A SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT. 196 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,400 - OOH. 197 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,670 ALL RIGHT. 198 00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:36,097 - OOH, LOOK AT YOU, LOOKING LIKE A REAL DOCTOR. 199 00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:37,800 - THANKS. UH, SORRY I HAVE TO RUN. 200 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,100 LOTS TO LEARN, LIVES TO SAVE. 201 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,600 HAVE FUN. 202 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,070 - BARACK. - MICHELLE. 203 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,397 - TINA, PUT ON A WHISTLE. 204 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,630 - HEY, BREE WANTS US TO WEAR THESE. 205 00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:49,273 - NOPE, NOT WEARING PENIS JEWELRY. 206 00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:51,167 - UGH, CAN YOU TRY AND ROLL WITH IT A LITTLE? 207 00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:52,567 IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, 208 00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:54,427 IT'S TECHNICALLY A PECKER NECKLACE. 209 00:06:54,433 --> 00:06:57,633 - FEELING IS THE SAME. FACE SURROUNDED BY BABY PENI. 210 00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:03,267 [whistle blows, cheering] 211 00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:05,197 [distant sirens] 212 00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,800 [dog barks] 213 00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:17,403 [knocks on door] 214 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,500 - IT'S OPEN. COME IN. 215 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,800 [opera music playing] 216 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,800 * 217 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,670 [toilet flushes] 218 00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,567 - HEY, MAN, SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG. 219 00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:38,067 - UHH. DON'T LOOK AT THAT. IT'S NOT DONE. 220 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,667 - OH, YOU PAINT? COOL. 221 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,467 SO YOU'RE AN ARTIST AND A WEED DEALER? 222 00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:43,897 - YEAH, ARE YOU A STONER AND AN ART CRITIC? 223 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,270 - SORRY. 224 00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:47,697 - OHH. ECHINACEA COUGH DROPS, DUDE? 225 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,370 TASTES LIKE HIPPIES. 226 00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,067 OH, MENTHOL RUB, THANK GOD. 227 00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:53,097 FEEL LIKE I'M BREATHING THROUGH A MILKSHAKE. 228 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,500 - GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU GOT WHAT YOU NEED. 229 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,430 SO I GUESS WE CAN JUST DEDUCT THIS 230 00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:59,503 FROM THE COST OF THE MATERIAL? 231 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,800 - SLOW DOWN, DUDE. 232 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,200 I NEED YOU TO DO ME A SOLID 233 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,400 AND RUB THAT ON MY BACK. 234 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,600 - UGH, YEAH, NO. 235 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,970 - OH, OKAY. I SEE HOW IT IS. 236 00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,327 SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO HOOK YOU UP WITH YOUR MEDICINE, 237 00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:12,873 BUT YOU'RE TOO HUNG UP ON YOUR WESTERN BODY SHAME 238 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,097 TO HELP ME OUT WITH MINE? 239 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:17,600 BE A GOD DAMN HUMAN BEING. 240 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,270 - UGH, OKAY, LET'S JUST MAKE THIS QUICK. 241 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,797 - YEAH. 242 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,800 ALL RIGHT. 243 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,370 YOU'RE GONNA WANNA GET, LIKE, A NICE THICK LAYER 244 00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:27,597 OVER PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE BACK. 245 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,200 P.S., I NEED YOU TO GO LOW. 246 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,900 BELOW THE BELT, ABOVE THE CRACK. 247 00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:33,170 YOU CAN SKIRT MY RIM. 248 00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:34,827 STAY OUT OF MY MAN CAVE. 249 00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:37,133 NO DIAMONDS IN THERE FOR YOU. 250 00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,073 [exhales] 251 00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:42,067 [opera music continues] 252 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:47,967 * 253 00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:54,873 [indistinct chatter] 254 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:58,597 - CHEERS! 255 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,470 [cheering] 256 00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:02,467 - [blows whistle] 257 00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,227 - OH, MY GOD, I LOVE THIS SONG. 258 00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:05,933 LET'S GO DANCE. 259 00:09:05,933 --> 00:09:07,903 - ARE YOU LEAVING? 260 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:10,070 - UH, ACTUALLY, YEAH. 261 00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:12,567 YOU KNOW, SITTING IN A SEA FULL OF CARGO-SHORTED BOYS 262 00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:14,327 ISN'T HELPING ME FORGET ABOUT BRETT. 263 00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:17,633 I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING IN THEIR MULTIPLE TINY POCKETS. 264 00:09:17,633 --> 00:09:18,973 - YOU'VE BEEN HERE, LIKE, 30 MINUTES. 265 00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:20,467 - UH, THAT'S NOT TRUE, BECAUSE THEY JUST PLAYED 266 00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,967 MADONNA'S IMMACULATE COLLECTION IN ITS ENTIRETY. 267 00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:25,627 I'M SORRY, STACE, THIS JUST ISN'T MY THING. 268 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,233 - WHAT, YOU THINK THIS IS MY THING? 269 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,903 YOU THINK I'M THE ADULT IN THESE SITUATIONS 270 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,470 BECAUSE I LIKE IT? 271 00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:31,467 - YEAH. 272 00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:32,697 IN COLLEGE, YOU WERE AN R.A. 273 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,070 BEFORE WE'D GO OUT TO KEGGERS, 274 00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,927 YOU REMINDED EVERYONE TO TINKLE FIRST. 275 00:09:35,933 --> 00:09:37,133 - YEAH, AND YOU WERE THE ONE THAT ALWAYS ENDED UP 276 00:09:37,133 --> 00:09:38,503 PEEING BETWEEN TWO PARKED CARS. 277 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,930 NEWS FLASH: I DON'T LIKE BEING THE ADULT, 278 00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,173 BUT SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE. 279 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,067 I DID ALL THIS STUPID PARTY PLANNING, 280 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,367 AND I ASKED YOU FOR HELP WITH ONE THING, 281 00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:48,067 AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET THE PENIS PIÑATA 282 00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:49,327 I EMAILED YOU ABOUT. 283 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:52,803 OR, I'M SORRY, DID YOU DELETE MY EMAIL TOO? 284 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,430 - MAYBE. 285 00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:56,973 I'M SORRY, STACE. I'LL GO DEAL WITH THAT. 286 00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,327 - YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WILL. 287 00:09:58,333 --> 00:09:59,573 YOU KNOW WHAT? 288 00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,097 I'M DONE BEING RESPONSIBLE ALL THE TIME. 289 00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,170 I'M HAVING FUN TONIGHT. 290 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,767 - * NOW THEY'RE DIGGING A HOLE * 291 00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:07,027 [cheering, whistle blows] 292 00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:10,733 * SENDING OUT INVITATIONS TO HER FRIENDS BACK HOME * 293 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:12,333 * DIGGING A HOLE 294 00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:15,333 * CUTTING HER NAME IN STONE, OH... * 295 00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:20,667 [opera music plays] 296 00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:22,667 * 297 00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:23,697 - [sighs blissfully] 298 00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:24,970 - I THINK I'M DONE HERE, KEN. 299 00:10:24,967 --> 00:10:26,897 YOU'RE SEASONED AND READY FOR THE GRILL. 300 00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,370 CAN I GET THE STUFF NOW? 301 00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,467 I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING A FRIEND TO GO TO A CONCERT, 302 00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,027 AND I'M ALREADY, LIKE, SUPER LATE. 303 00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:33,903 - YOU KNOW WHAT, JASON, I WOULD LOVE 304 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,670 TO BE GOING TO A SPECIAL CONCERT 305 00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,027 WITH MY SPECIAL FRIEND, BUT I CAN'T 'CAUSE I'M DYING. 306 00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:39,733 - YOU'RE NOT DYING. - I AM DYING! 307 00:10:39,733 --> 00:10:41,803 AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT BEING LATE TO CHUMBAWAMBA OR WHATEVER. 308 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,170 I'M GONNA BE A DEAD NOBODY 309 00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:44,727 WHO NEVER FINISHED HIS ONE-MAN SHOW 310 00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:46,673 INSTEAD OF BEING THE LIVING GENIUS 311 00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,197 THAT JESUS WANTS ME TO BE. 312 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,700 - I REALLY GOTTA GO, KEN. 313 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:51,030 THERE'S NO MORE MENTHOL RUB, 314 00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,403 AND I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS. 315 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,570 CAN I PLEASE JUST GET THE STUFF? 316 00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:59,267 * 317 00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:05,233 - HI, UH, QUICK QUESTION. 318 00:11:05,233 --> 00:11:06,373 I'M FIRST-YEAR. 319 00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:07,827 DO WE ALMOST-DOCTORS GO IN THE MAIN DOORS 320 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,203 OR IS THERE, LIKE, A STAFF-- 321 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,500 - YES, THE MAIN DOOR DOWN THE BLOCK. 322 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,470 JUST FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF HUMAN BLOOD AND FECES, MY MAN. 323 00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:15,297 - OKAY, WELL, I'M JUST REALLY EXCITED TO GET IN THERE, 324 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,070 YOU KNOW, START CARING, START CURING. 325 00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:19,467 JUST JOIN THE DOCTORS TRIBE. 326 00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,797 - YOU HAVE ANY GUM? 327 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,870 - MAN, WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR 23 HOURS, 328 00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:25,727 AND WE HAVEN'T DONE ANY CARING OR CURING. 329 00:11:25,733 --> 00:11:27,403 - SO NO GUM? 330 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,600 - NO. 331 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,970 - GOOD LUCK, NEWBIE. 332 00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:33,627 WELCOME TO THE TRIBE OF HUMAN JANITORS. 333 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,073 - SORRY, THAT TOOK FOREVER, 334 00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:36,327 BUT I GOT THE WEED. 335 00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:37,603 PROBABLY ALSO GOT THE PLAGUE, 336 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,400 BUT WHATEVER, I'M ON MY WAY. 337 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,130 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M STILL AT THIS "GIRLS GONE VILE" PARTY, 338 00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:43,803 SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MEET ME HERE. 339 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,170 - OH, AREN'T BACHELORETTES 340 00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:47,327 FILLED WITH SINGLE, HOT, HORNY GIRLS? 341 00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:50,873 - SINGLE, DEFINITELY. HOTISH. 342 00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:53,427 HORNY ONLY IN A "IS IT BAD IF I GET SPRAY TAN 343 00:11:53,433 --> 00:11:55,233 IN MY THONG AREA?" KIND OF WAY. 344 00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:57,103 - SO WE'RE NOT MAKING DINNER, ARE WE? 345 00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,870 - DINNER MIGHT BE AMENDED TO A SLICE CONSUMED ON THE TRAIN. 346 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:02,627 EVERYTHING ELSE STANDS, I PROMISE. 347 00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:07,233 CAN YOU DO ME THE TEENIEST FAVOR ON THE WAY HERE? 348 00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:11,733 - * A SUDDEN VIOLENT SENSATION DESCENDS * 349 00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:14,473 * IT MAY BE AIMED AT YOU 350 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,327 * 'CAUSE, BABY * 351 00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:19,803 * I'VE LEARNED WHAT I COULD NEVER DO * 352 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,700 * 353 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,700 [cheering and upbeat music] 354 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,070 * 355 00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:29,867 - HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? 356 00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,167 - UH, NO, THANK YOU THOUGH. 357 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,767 - OH, ALL RIGHT, GROW UP, HUH? 358 00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:33,767 - JAY! 359 00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,227 JAY! 360 00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:36,533 IS THAT A PENIS PIÑATA IN YOUR HAND 361 00:12:36,533 --> 00:12:37,833 OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? 362 00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,203 - NICE NECKLACE. 363 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,930 IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR CLAVICLE'S GETTING GANG BANGED. 364 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,403 - YEAH, IT'S CANDY. 365 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,230 IT'S SHAPED LIKE THE FRONT BUT IT TASTES LIKE THE BACK. 366 00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:45,673 - GROSS. CAN WE GO NOW? 367 00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:46,967 - SADLY, NO. 368 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:50,067 A LITTLE SNAFU HAS DEVELOPED SINCE WE LAST SPOKE. 369 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,397 - OH, JESUS. 370 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,430 LOOK WHO'S HAD A THIMBLE FULL OF GOLDSCHLAGER. 371 00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:55,233 SLOPPY STACEY'S IN THE HOUSE. 372 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,603 - JASON! JASON, COME DANCE WITH US. 373 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,700 - STACE. - COME DANCE. 374 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,430 - STACE, STACE, NO, I DON'T DANCE, 375 00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,073 ESPECIALLY WITH GIRLS I HAVE NO CHANCE OF FOOLING AROUND WITH. 376 00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,197 - WHATEVER, GUYS. 377 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,770 I'M GONNA GO DANCE WITH MY REAL FRIENDS. 378 00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:08,497 FRIENDS FOREVER! 379 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,200 - WE'RE NOT MAKING IT TO THE CONCERT, ARE WE? 380 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,730 - NO, NO, WE DEFINITELY ARE. 381 00:13:11,733 --> 00:13:14,233 I'M GONNA LURE STACEY OFF THE BAR WITH A MOZZARELLA STICK. 382 00:13:14,233 --> 00:13:16,873 SHE STILL SEEMS TO BE RESPONDING TO THE SMELL OF GREASE. 383 00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:18,597 YOU WILL GRAB BREE, 384 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,300 AND WE'LL DUMP THEM AT STACEY'S. 385 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,200 - THEN WE GET INTO A CAB, GO TO THE CONCERT, 386 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,070 AND GET SO HIGH WE KILL THE PARTS OF OUR BRAINS 387 00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,827 THAT MIGHT REMEMBER THIS SHAME FEST. 388 00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:27,133 - IT'S STILL EARLY, RIGHT? 389 00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:28,603 THEY'RE PROBABLY STILL PLAYING THE NEW STUFF. 390 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,600 WE COULD DEFINITELY MAKE IT THERE FOR THE CLASSIC STUFF. 391 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,470 - YEAH, CLASSIC STUFF RULES. 392 00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:33,827 - * YOU KNOW WE NEVER LISTEN 393 00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:34,903 - COME. 394 00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,900 [hip-hop music] 395 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:38,900 * 396 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:42,300 - UM, HEY, BREE! 397 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,330 - JASON? 398 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,473 OH, MY GOD, CUTIE JASON. 399 00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,897 DID YOU HEAR I'M GETTING MARRIED? 400 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,900 - YEP, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE THAT ABOUT-TO-BE-MARRIED GLOW. 401 00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:54,070 - IT'S JUST BODY GLITTER AND LADY SWEAT. 402 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,927 - GREAT, OKAY, TIME TO GO. 403 00:13:55,933 --> 00:13:57,903 - OH. - [squeals] 404 00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:04,967 IN COLLEGE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE SO FUNNY. 405 00:14:04,967 --> 00:14:06,527 - THAT'S NICE. 406 00:14:06,533 --> 00:14:11,273 - I ALSO THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLY CUTE TOO. 407 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,227 YOU'RE LIKE A PRETTY TWEEN GIRL. 408 00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:15,773 - THAT'S A WEIRD COMPLIMENT. 409 00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,397 - I KNOW. 410 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,270 - [grunts] - [giggling] 411 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:23,897 - WHOO! 412 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,230 [giggles] 413 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,303 - BREE, BREE, BREE. - WHAT? 414 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,430 - MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP. 415 00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:32,203 - SHUT UP AND KEEP BEING HOT. 416 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,770 - * IT'S PRETTY MUCH A DONE DEAL AT THIS POINT * 417 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:37,797 - HEY, IT'S TIME TO GO. 418 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,630 - * YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE * 419 00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:42,773 - REMEMBER HOW YOU ONCE TOLD ME 420 00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,397 TO TELL YOU IF YOU GOT TOO SLOPPY 421 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,700 AND YOU MIGHT REGRET IT THE NEXT DAY? 422 00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,070 WE'RE THERE, STACE. 423 00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:50,267 YOU'VE BEEN THERE SINCE YOU HEAD-BUTTED THE BARTENDER 424 00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:51,627 WITH YOUR PENIS HORNS. 425 00:14:51,633 --> 00:14:53,533 - HA! I REMEMBER NOTHING. 426 00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:56,703 EXCEPT I REMEMBER WHEELING YOU HOME IN A SHOPPING CART ONCE. 427 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,800 IT'S MY TURN. 428 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,600 WHEEL ME, BITCH! 429 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,630 - YEAH! 430 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,673 CAT FIGHT! - PUNCH HER IN THE FACE! 431 00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:07,067 - YOU PUNCH HER IN THE FACE! 432 00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,297 - MMM. 433 00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:10,370 OH, MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING? 434 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,067 LAIRD IS GONNA BE SO PISSED. 435 00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:15,067 - YEAH, I'D BE PISSED TOO IF I WAS LAIRD. 436 00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,667 MOSTLY BECAUSE MY NAME IS LAIRD. 437 00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,297 WE SHOULD STOP. 438 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:22,070 - I DON'T WANNA. 439 00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:24,797 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA MARRY 440 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,470 THE ONLY PERSON I'VE EVER BEEN WITH. 441 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:29,167 I'VE ONLY TOUCHED ONE THINGY. 442 00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,067 CAN I FEEL YOURS? 443 00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,827 - I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S A BAD IDEA. 444 00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:33,973 - [grunts] - OW. 445 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,597 BREE, YOUR RING IS REALLY SHARP. 446 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,300 [groans] 447 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:39,800 - IT'S SO WEIRD. 448 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,630 YOU'RE ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME SIZE AS LAIRD, 449 00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:46,833 BUT YOURS IS SMOOTH, LIKE A FROG. 450 00:15:46,833 --> 00:15:48,103 - BREE, JUST LET IT GO. 451 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,800 YOU'RE CUTTING OFF ITS AIR SUPPLY. 452 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,430 - MAYBE I SHOULD TURN YOUR FROG INTO A PRINCE. 453 00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:53,903 - NO, NO, BREE. 454 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,170 - JAY? JAY! 455 00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:56,497 OH, DUDE! 456 00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,170 - I AM THE VICTIM HERE. 457 00:15:58,167 --> 00:15:59,667 I AM THE VICTIM HERE! 458 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,227 [overlapping chatter] 459 00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:03,903 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 460 00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,670 - DID SHE FIND ANY LUMPS? 461 00:16:05,667 --> 00:16:06,827 - NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING. 462 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,333 SHE WAS KNEADING IT LIKE IT WAS RAW DOUGH. 463 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:11,503 - GIRLFRIEND, ARE YOU OKAY? 464 00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,270 - [retches] 465 00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:15,227 - OH, GOD. 466 00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:16,773 - WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE. 467 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:20,097 - OHH. OOH. 468 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,730 - HI, NERDFACE. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? 469 00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,803 LOOK LIKE YOU HELPED A GOAT GIVE BIRTH. 470 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,830 - I HAD MY FIRST NIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL. 471 00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:29,233 IT WAS HORRIBLE. PEOPLE--PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING. 472 00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:31,073 - YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT PEOPLE? 473 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,227 I'VE HAD MEN TELL ME THEY'LL GET A GIRL TO HAVE SEX WITH ME 474 00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:34,773 IF I GIVE THEM FREE MALT LIQUOR. 475 00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,097 AND I TELL THEM NO, 476 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,730 'CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO GIRL. 477 00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:39,633 IT'S JUST THEIR HAND IN THE SHAPE OF A GIRL. 478 00:16:39,633 --> 00:16:41,403 THAT IS NOT HOW BUSINESS IS DONE. 479 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,100 - I HELPED DRAIN A BOIL TONIGHT THE SIZE OF A HOCKEY PUCK 480 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,370 FROM AN OLD MAN'S GROIN. 481 00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:46,497 ONE OF THE OTHER STUDENTS THREW UP FROM THE SMELL. 482 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,800 - SMELL? 483 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,800 YOU KNOW HOW MANY HOMELESS DO BATHROOM HERE? 484 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,500 AND I HAVE NO BATHROOM, MAN. 485 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,870 EVERY DAY I'M IN THE BACK WITH THE HOSE, HOSING. 486 00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:55,797 - TONIGHT, IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S WHAT BEING A DOCTOR IS, 487 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,170 HOSING DOWN HUMANITY. 488 00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,897 OKAY, I'M GOING TO MY VERY CLEAN APARTMENT TO SLEEP 489 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,800 AND TO TRY TO NOT HAVE NIGHTMARES. 490 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,070 - YOU CAN TRY, 491 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,067 BUT VISIONS, YOU CAN'T HOSE THEM AWAY. 492 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,570 SO GOOD NIGHT. 493 00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:13,067 OH. 494 00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,627 - WE'RE STILL BREE AND LAIRD, 495 00:17:21,633 --> 00:17:24,733 AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY EVEN EVER, YOU KNOW? 496 00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:25,933 - WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN HERE? 497 00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:26,933 - WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. 498 00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:27,933 - THEY BROKE US. 499 00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,303 - BABE, IS THAT YOU? 500 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,730 THE ROOM WON'T STOP SPINNING. - SHE'S OKAY. 501 00:17:31,733 --> 00:17:33,633 SHE JUST DRANK HER WEIGHT IN SMIRNOFF ICE. 502 00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:35,673 - WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS ONE? - LAIRD DRAMA. 503 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,967 BRIEFLY THOUGHT SHE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, THEN DIDN'T. 504 00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:39,567 MY USUAL STORY WITH GIRLS. 505 00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:40,597 - HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT? 506 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,530 - UH, A LOT LIKE THIS ACTUALLY. 507 00:17:43,533 --> 00:17:45,773 STACE, HERE, DRINK ALL THIS 508 00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,067 AND PUT THIS ON YOUR HEAD. 509 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,067 HERE, DRINK. HEAD, GOOD. 510 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,427 STAND BY. 511 00:17:51,433 --> 00:17:53,303 HERE, TAKE THIS. 512 00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,430 LET ME--THANK YOU. 513 00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:58,373 LAIRD, HEY, BUDDY, HOW YOU DOING? 514 00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:00,067 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER ME OR NOT. 515 00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:02,697 UH, STACEY'S BOYFRIEND, ERIC. 516 00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,830 YEAH, THE BLACK GUY. 517 00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,533 LISTEN, WHATEVER BREE SAYS, 518 00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:08,203 DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY, OKAY? 519 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,130 SHE'S GOT FOOD POISONING. 520 00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,603 SHE'S GONNA BE FINE. 521 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,930 WHAT? 522 00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:16,173 BECAUSE I'M A DOCTOR. 523 00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:18,467 FINE, ALMOST A DOCTOR. HERE YOU GO. 524 00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:20,327 - ERIC, DUDE, NOT TO BE UNGRATEFUL, 525 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,673 BUT YOU GOT THIS, RIGHT? 526 00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,197 - YEAH, YOU GUYS CAN GO. 527 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,730 - BLESS YOU. - I'VE GOT THIS. 528 00:18:25,733 --> 00:18:28,333 - STACE, I JUST HAVE TO SAY I'M REALLY SORRY, OKAY? 529 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,773 I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT THE WHOLE NIGHT ON YOU. 530 00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:32,367 I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU TOO. 531 00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:34,697 YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND. 532 00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,300 ALSO, BRETT'S AN ASS HEAD. 533 00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,900 GO MEET SOMEONE TONS BETTER. 534 00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,400 - OKAY. FEEL BETTER. 535 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,470 - BYE. - GO LIKE THE WIND. 536 00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:44,667 - BYE, GUYS. 537 00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:48,227 - I DON'T--I THINK I COULD ONLY TICKLE TONIGHT. 538 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,703 - NO! 539 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:58,070 DAMN IT! OH, GOD, SERIOUSLY? 540 00:18:58,067 --> 00:18:59,827 YOU KNOW, ALL I WANTED TO DO TONIGHT WAS TO EAT MEAT, 541 00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:01,603 HEAR MUSIC, AND LOOK AT CUTE INDIE BOYS. 542 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,430 DID IT HAVE TO BE SO FRICKIN' IMPOSSIBLE? 543 00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:05,273 - YOU KNOW, I GUESS WHEN YOUR LIFE'S SUCKING, 544 00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:07,927 YOU CAN'T JUST DECIDE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THIS AWESOME NIGHT 545 00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:09,333 AND HAVE IT ACTUALLY WORK OUT. 546 00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,503 NO, IF YOUR LIFE'S GOING GREAT, YOU CAN DO THAT. 547 00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:14,530 ME, I JUST END UP LIGHTING 100 BUCKS I DON'T HAVE ON FIRE 548 00:19:14,533 --> 00:19:16,603 FOR COLD MEDS, A PENIS PIÑATA, 549 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,900 AND WEED I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SMOKE. 550 00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:24,900 - NIGHT'S OVER. LET'S GO HOME. 551 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,900 [upbeat indie music] 552 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:35,770 * 553 00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:44,403 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, SORRY THAT SUCKED. 554 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,530 - WE COULD HAVE JUST SAT AROUND WALLOWING. 555 00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,073 AT LEAST WE TRIED. 556 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:52,067 [marching band music] 557 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,597 OH, THOSE HIPSTERS AND THEIR IRONIC MARCHING BANDS, 558 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,330 ALWAYS KNOWING JUST WHEN TO COME AROUND. 559 00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,173 YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE KINDA CRAP BRETT LOVES. 560 00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:00,327 IDIOT. 561 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,073 * 562 00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:03,697 - YOU'RE REALLY BUMMED, HUH? 563 00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:07,630 - I'M MORE JUST EXISTENTIALLY DISAPPOINTED. 564 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,700 WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 565 00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:14,600 - TO KEEP TRYIN'! 566 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,570 COME ON, TEEN. 567 00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:20,327 I GOT THE DEVIL IN ME! 568 00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:22,503 - I SEE WHY YOU DON'T DANCE. 569 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,970 - OH, WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE THESE MOVES? 570 00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:27,427 - NO, I DON'T. 571 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:28,703 - YOU DON'T? 572 00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:29,900 THIS ONE'S GOLD. 573 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,630 - [laughs] 574 00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,533 - I MIGHT KNOW OF A JOB FOR YOU. 575 00:20:40,533 --> 00:20:42,333 - I'M HERE TO CLEAN GWEN DONAHUE'S APARTMENT. 576 00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:44,273 - KEEP THE GLOVES ON. 577 00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:46,227 - IT'S DEFINITELY HAPPENING. I'M BEING PAID FOR SEX. 578 00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:47,903 - SOMETHING'S WRONG... DOWN THERE. 579 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,100 - I'M NOT JUST A FRIEND. I'M A DOCTOR. 580 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:50,770 - IT JUST LOOKS ANGRY. 41317

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