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1
00:00:03,033 --> 00:00:04,703
[television playing,
phone ringing]
2
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:05,870
[phone beeps]
3
00:00:05,867 --> 00:00:07,067
- HEY.
4
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,127
I'M--NO,
I'M NOT TOUCHING IT.
5
00:00:10,133 --> 00:00:12,473
I DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE
WHILE I MASTURBATE...
6
00:00:12,467 --> 00:00:15,197
UNLESS I'M AT WORK.
7
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,300
A DRINK NOW?
8
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,800
NO.
9
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,130
NO, I CAN'T.
10
00:00:20,133 --> 00:00:22,473
I CAN'T BE LATE
FOR WORK TOMORROW.
11
00:00:22,467 --> 00:00:28,067
*
12
00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:36,433
- HERE. TO FREEDOM!
13
00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:38,503
- THANKS, TEEN.
14
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:39,970
[coughs]
15
00:00:39,967 --> 00:00:42,497
THAT TASTED LIKE
PAINT THINNER AND ASS.
16
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:43,770
- MINE WAS LIKE
INTERCOURSE AND TEARS.
17
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:45,067
- OH, WELL,
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
18
00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:46,697
I DON'T REMEMBER
WHAT SEX TASTES LIKE.
19
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,570
- LIKE CHICKEN.
WAIT. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?
20
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:51,967
- SIX WEEKS.
- WOW.
21
00:00:51,967 --> 00:00:54,397
SIX WHOLE WEEKS--
YOU'RE LIKE A BORN-AGAIN VIRGIN.
22
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,070
LOOK, JASON,
IT'S JUST A BAD STREAK.
23
00:00:56,067 --> 00:00:57,827
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A STREAKER.
24
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,233
REMEMBER SENIOR YEAR?
25
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,273
IN ONE WEEKEND, YOU HOOKED UP
WITH THAT A.E.PHI PLEDGE,
26
00:01:01,267 --> 00:01:03,567
THE GERMAN GIRL
WITH THE THING ON HER THING,
27
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:05,297
AND DR. PHIL.
28
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:07,200
- WHO?
- THE LADY HITLER,
29
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,700
THE CHICK
WITH THE LITTLE MOUSTACHE.
30
00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,200
- DEBBIE LEE.
RIGHT.
31
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,700
NO, I MEAN, THAT
WAS A GOOD WEEK FOR ME,
32
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,200
BUT BEING A STREAKER
ISN'T WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
33
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,870
SERIOUSLY, TINA,
THIS COULD BE BAD.
34
00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:16,597
- GOT ANY WEED?
35
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,400
- I'M JUST SAYING,
IT'S LIKE,
36
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,130
THIS LITTLE DRY SPELL
37
00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:23,233
COULD EASILY TURN
INTO THE DROUGHT OF THE DECADE.
38
00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:25,073
I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING'S OFF.
39
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:28,067
I FEEL, LIKE,
A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE.
40
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:31,067
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP
MAKING STAR WARS REFERENCES.
41
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,097
HERE, I'M HIGH.
42
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:33,370
- YEAH, I'M HIGH TOO.
43
00:01:33,367 --> 00:01:35,397
LIKE I COULD EAT
A WHEEL OF CHEESE HIGH.
44
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,200
- AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR
"I NEED TO CHECK MY TESTICLES
45
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,300
FOR LUMPS" HIGH AGAIN.
46
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:39,900
CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE?
47
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,230
BEING IN HERE MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I HAVE TO POOP.
48
00:01:42,233 --> 00:01:43,233
- EW.
49
00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:46,433
[rock music playing]
50
00:01:46,433 --> 00:01:47,873
[patrons chattering
indistinctly]
51
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,830
- IT'S BRETT.
52
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:55,433
I MIGHT GO LET HIM
GIVE ME A FOOT MASSAGE.
53
00:01:55,433 --> 00:01:56,903
BY "FOOT MASSAGE,"
I MEAN SEX.
54
00:01:56,900 --> 00:02:00,770
JUST TALK TO THAT GIRL.
GO BE FUNNY.
55
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,927
FUNNY TO GIRLS
IS LIKE BOOBS TO BOYS.
56
00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:04,803
[sniffs]
SMELL YA LATER.
57
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,270
- SMELL YOU.
58
00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:13,133
HI. I'M JASON,
59
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,773
THE GUY WHO'S BEEN
STARING AT YOU.
60
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,227
- YEAH, I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA HAVE TO USE MY MACE.
61
00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:18,603
- THAT WOULD'VE BEEN
SO EMBARRASSING.
62
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,100
I MEAN,
IT'S ALL ABOUT TASERS NOW.
63
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,170
MACE IS SO OVER.
64
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:23,367
IT'S LIKE TOE RINGS
65
00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:25,067
OR THE LINDSAY LOHAN
LEGGING COLLECTION.
66
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,197
- OR GLACIERS
OR MARINE LIFE IN THE GULF.
67
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,070
- WHOA. YOU JUST GOT
A LITTLE DARK THERE.
68
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,967
- "I'M A LONER, DOTTIE.
A REBEL."
69
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:34,827
- PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE?
OH, MY GOD.
70
00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,603
THAT'S, LIKE, THE BEST MOVIE
STARRING A SEX OFFENDER EVER.
71
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,230
- MM.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO
72
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:41,433
WHEN YOU'RE NOT OUT
BEING A BAR HERO?
73
00:02:41,433 --> 00:02:44,203
- UH, YEAH...
I DRIVE NASCAR, ACTUALLY--
74
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,930
- OH.
- DAYTONA, TALLADEGA...
75
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:49,273
- OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU DANICA PATRICK?
76
00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:51,727
- YES.
NO, BUT SAME CHEEKBONES.
77
00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:53,873
- SAME BOOBS, TOO.
78
00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:55,927
- YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY.
79
00:02:55,933 --> 00:02:57,503
- SO ARE YOU.
80
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,330
SHALL WE CONTINUE BEING FUNNY
OVER ANOTHER DRINK?
81
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,833
- INDEED WE SHALL.
82
00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:06,933
- HELP ME
TAKE MY SHIRT OFF,
83
00:03:06,933 --> 00:03:07,933
AND I'LL HELP YOU
WITH YOUR PANTS.
84
00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:10,433
- DEAL.
85
00:03:10,433 --> 00:03:11,833
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOO PERFECT.
86
00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:12,873
WHAT IF YOU'RE SCAMMING ME
87
00:03:12,867 --> 00:03:14,067
SO YOU CAN STEAL
MY DISCOVER CARD
88
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,397
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT?
89
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,900
I MEAN, WHAT IF YOU'RE REALLY,
LIKE, A SEXY TRANSSEXUAL
90
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,500
AND LATER I DISCOVER,
OOPS, YOU HAVE A PENIS?
91
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,100
I MEAN, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN
A SECRET FEAR OF MINE.
92
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,100
- I'M ALL GIRL,
AND NO ONE TAKES DISCOVER.
93
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,600
YOU'RE SAFE.
94
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:32,067
- YOU KNOW,
I DO HAVE A BED.
95
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,327
- LET'S DO IT
IN YOUR FRIDGE!
96
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:38,527
COME ON!
97
00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:44,267
HURRY. IT KIND OF
SMELLS IN HERE.
98
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:47,067
- WHAT A FANTASTIC EMAIL
THIS IS GONNA MAKE TOMORROW.
99
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:56,833
- SO DO YOU THINK
I'M A SLUT?
100
00:03:56,833 --> 00:04:00,233
- ONLY IN THE BEST,
MOST POSITIVE WAY.
101
00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:03,503
LISTEN, I HAD, LIKE,
A REALLY GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT,
102
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,970
BUT I HAVE
A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
103
00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:08,697
I LIED. I DON'T
ACTUALLY DRIVE STOCK CARS.
104
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:11,270
- [gasps] I LIED, TOO.
I'M NOT REALLY A WOMAN.
105
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:12,697
- TECHNICALLY YOU ARE.
- [laughs]
106
00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:13,870
- I DIDN'T SEE
ANY BOY PARTS,
107
00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:16,067
AND I DOUBLE-CHECKED.
108
00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,967
- I'D MAKE BREAKFAST,
BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT
109
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,767
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD
IN YOUR FRIDGE.
110
00:04:21,767 --> 00:04:22,897
- [laughs]
WE COULD GO GET SOME COFFEE.
111
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,770
- WHOA, IT'S 9:00?
I'M SO LATE.
112
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:27,897
IS IT OKAY IF I BORROW THESE?
- UH, YEAH.
113
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:29,770
- I HATE WHEN MY DOORMAN
SEES ME IN THE SAME CLOTHES
114
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:30,967
FROM THE DAY BEFORE.
115
00:04:30,967 --> 00:04:32,827
- IT HAPPENS A LOT, HUH?
- HA HA.
116
00:04:48,233 --> 00:04:53,073
- HEY, COULD I--
COULD I GET YOUR NUMBER?
117
00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,327
OR SHOULD I
JUST STALK YOU?
118
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:55,533
ACTUALLY,
I'M KIND OF LAZY.
119
00:04:55,533 --> 00:04:57,503
I THINK MAYBE A NUMBER
MIGHT WORK BETTER.
120
00:05:02,333 --> 00:05:03,433
- OKAY.
121
00:05:08,733 --> 00:05:09,973
SEE YOU AROUND.
122
00:05:09,967 --> 00:05:11,527
- DEFINITELY.
123
00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:17,203
YES! OHH!
124
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,567
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU,
BOSS?
125
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:24,267
- I FEEL LIKE
A THOUSAND DOLLARS...
126
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:27,327
WHICH IS 900 MORE THAN I HAVE
IN MY CHECKING ACCOUNT.
127
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:29,303
BUT WHATEVER. I FEEL GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
128
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:30,730
- NEW SECURITY.
129
00:05:30,733 --> 00:05:33,103
NO ONE WILL BE ROBBED, RAPED,
OR MURDERED IN THIS STORE...
130
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,600
NOT AGAIN.
131
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,800
- THAT'S A GOOD SLOGAN, MAN.
YOU SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE DOOR.
132
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,530
- YEAH.
133
00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:40,203
- HEY, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW
HOW TO DO THAT?
134
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,800
- WELL, BACK HOME I WORKED
AT A VIDEO BUSINESS.
135
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,870
HAD A BEAUTIFUL, BIG-BREASTED
GIRLFRIEND THERE, MAN.
136
00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:46,227
IT'S HARD FOR A MAN
TO BE ALONE, JASON.
137
00:05:46,233 --> 00:05:48,973
- WELL, HERE WE SAY,
"NO MAN IS AN ISLAND."
138
00:05:48,967 --> 00:05:52,697
- OH, IN MY COUNTRY IT'S...
[speaking native language]
139
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,800
"UGLY GIRL BLAMES MIRROR."
140
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,770
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY
THE SAME THING.
141
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:57,967
- YES, IT IS.
142
00:05:57,967 --> 00:06:00,297
- I NEED AN EGG SANDWICH,
AND I NEED IT NOW.
143
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,730
- OOH, YOU NEED
ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP
144
00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:03,733
AND A BARBECUE BRUSH.
145
00:06:03,733 --> 00:06:05,073
- YOU NEED
A PREGNANCY TEST.
146
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:06,867
- DON'T TOY WITH ME.
I'M FRAGILE.
147
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,767
- OKAY, WHORE FRIEND
OF JASON.
148
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:10,667
- HE NEVER REMEMBERS
MY NAME.
149
00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,967
- SO YOU HAD FUN LAST NIGHT
WITH BRETT, HUH?
150
00:06:12,967 --> 00:06:15,527
- YEAH. LET'S JUST SAY
I INTRODUCED HIM TO GOD.
151
00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:16,973
YOU?
WHAT HAPPENED?
152
00:06:16,967 --> 00:06:19,627
- IT HAPPENED.
THE DRY SPELL IS OVER!
153
00:06:19,633 --> 00:06:20,803
- GREAT!
154
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,400
- I HAD SEX
WITH THAT GIRL LAST NIGHT
155
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,800
IN MY [bleep] REFRIGERATOR!
156
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,300
- YAY! CONGRATS.
YOU'RE BACK, MAN.
157
00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:26,630
- I AM. I'M BACK!
158
00:06:26,633 --> 00:06:28,833
GOD, I FEEL STRONGER
AND MORE CONFIDENT,
159
00:06:28,833 --> 00:06:31,803
LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS IN
THE HAIR TRANSPLANT COMMERCIALS.
160
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,270
NO, YOU'D REALLY LIKE
THIS GIRL, TEEN.
161
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,967
I MEAN,
I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL.
162
00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:37,127
SHE'S CUTE,
AND SHE'S FUNNY,
163
00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:39,433
AND SHE'S
SURPRISINGLY FILTHY.
164
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,133
- THESE ARE A FEW
OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS.
165
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,233
- YEAH, BUT SHE'S, LIKE,
PRETTY PERFECT.
166
00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:44,833
AND I PLAYED IT
TOTALLY COOL.
167
00:06:44,833 --> 00:06:47,073
I WAS LIKE THIS YOUNG
JAMES VAN DER BEEK.
168
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,067
- ER! UH, THAT'S
YOUR GOLD STANDARD?
169
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,967
- YEAH.
- WELL, WAY TO GO, DAWSON.
170
00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:52,467
WAIT. I HAVE
A QUESTION FOR YOU.
171
00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:54,367
I WAS GOING THROUGH
BRETT'S WALLET THIS MORNING--
172
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:55,867
- WHOA. WAIT. YOU WERE
FISHING THROUGH HIS WALLET?
173
00:06:55,867 --> 00:06:57,067
- WOULD YOU EVER
CARRY WITH YOU
174
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,197
A FROZEN YOGURT
FREQUENT EATER'S CARD?
175
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,300
- I GOT TO GET TO WORK,
PSYCHO.
176
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,700
- WELL, THERE'S
NINE PUNCHES ON IT!
177
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:04,270
- NINE PUNCHES?
GAY.
178
00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:11,467
- [sighs]
WAIT. LET ME GUESS--
179
00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:12,767
DENTIST APPOINTMENT.
180
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,067
- SORRY. I'M LATE.
181
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,527
YOU KNOW, I THINK
I HAVE SLEEP APNEA.
182
00:07:15,533 --> 00:07:17,573
WebMD SAYS I'M, LIKE,
A PRIME CANDIDATE.
183
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,067
- OH, NO PROBLEM.
184
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,867
I'M JUST GONNA START DOCKING
YOUR PAY WHEN YOU'RE LATE.
185
00:07:20,867 --> 00:07:22,097
- REALLY?
186
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,500
- YEAH, REALLY.
IT'S NOT A DEMOCRACY, JAY.
187
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:27,170
I AM PHARAOH.
YOU ARE JEW.
188
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:29,067
NOW, GO DO YOUR JOB
AND BUILD ME A PYRAMID.
189
00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:30,797
EVERYBODY'S WAITING ON YOU.
190
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,170
- YOU KNOW, JB,
I ACTUALLY AM JEWISH.
191
00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:35,427
- OH, GREAT.
HAPPY HANUKAH.
192
00:07:35,433 --> 00:07:37,903
ALSO,
THE TOILET'S CLOGGED,
193
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:40,070
SO GO PART
THE BROWN SEA, MOSES.
194
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:41,597
CLEAN IT
LIKE YOU MEAN IT,
195
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,970
LIKE YOU KNOW
WE'RE IN A RECESSION
196
00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:45,127
AND I GET EMAILED A LOT
OF QUALIFIED RESUMES.
197
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:47,333
BY THE WAY,
THIS GUY'S TOO TALL.
198
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:50,333
THIS ONE'S JUST RIGHT.
199
00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:51,433
[camera beeps]
200
00:07:51,433 --> 00:07:54,103
- OKAY, UH,
YOU'LL BE PLAYING,
201
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,600
UM, A PIECE OF FRUIT.
202
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,330
DOESN'T SAY WHAT KIND,
BUT THEY WANT TO SEE YOU DANCE.
203
00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:03,073
- HOW THE [bleep]
DOES FRUIT DANCE?
204
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,327
- HAPPY?
205
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,070
HI, JANEY.
IT'S JASON.
206
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,597
UGH.
207
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,600
HOLA, JANEY.
COMO ESTAS?
208
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,070
JESUS.
209
00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:25,127
VAN DER BEEK, VAN DER BEEK,
VAN DER BEEK...
210
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,170
[line ringing]
211
00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:29,497
[phone ringing]
212
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,330
- [speaking native language]
MAY I HELP YOU?
213
00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:35,603
- HI. UH, IS--
IS JANE THERE?
214
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,600
- THIS IS PATAKAN THAI.
215
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,730
- UM, IS THIS 555-0114?
216
00:08:41,733 --> 00:08:43,773
- THIS IS
THAI RESTAURANT, OKAY?
217
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:46,467
[phone clicks]
218
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:47,967
- [softly]
CRAP.
219
00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:49,527
[phone beeping]
220
00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:51,773
[phone ringing]
221
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:56,067
- [speaking native language]
MAY I HELP YOU?
222
00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:57,427
- UH, YEAH.
223
00:08:57,433 --> 00:09:01,103
UM, COULD I HAVE AN ORDER
TO BE DELIVERED?
224
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:04,730
[pop music playing,
phone vibrating]
225
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:05,903
[phone beeps]
226
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,270
- MOSHI-MOSHI.
227
00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:09,727
- FRIDGE GIRL
STOLE MY PANTS.
228
00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:13,403
- HERE, EVERYONE,
MEET MY NEW GIRLFRIEND.
229
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,770
- YOU'VE INTRODUCED US TO WORSE.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING, JAY?
230
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:17,067
DO YOU HAVE
POST-PANTS DEPRESSION?
231
00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:19,227
- NO, BUT...
232
00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:20,603
I REALLY THOUGHT
SHE WAS INTO ME.
233
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,070
I MEAN, WHY WOULD SHE
BORROW MY PANTS
234
00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:23,367
IF SHE WAS JUST
GONNA BLOW ME OFF?
235
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,367
- PEOPLE TAKE
SEX TROPHIES, JAY.
236
00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:27,067
I MEAN, IT HAPPENS
ALL THE TIME.
237
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,367
- IT'S TRUE.
238
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,667
MOST OF MY DISH RAGS
ARE FROM PREVIOUS LOVERS.
239
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,967
- I STILL HAVE MY JUNIOR-HIGH
BOYFRIEND'S RETAINER.
240
00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:35,067
- EW.
- WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
241
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:37,397
AT LEAST MY CAREER IS OFF
TO AN EXCELLENT START.
242
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,100
YEAH, IT'S BEEN
A REAL BANNER DAY.
243
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,600
- WHY HAVEN'T YOU
CALLED SCOTT YET, JAY?
244
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,100
I MEAN, I TOLD HIM
YOU WERE GONNA CALL,
245
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,430
LIKE, THREE MONTHS AGO.
246
00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:46,073
- WAIT. YOU WANT HIM
TO TAKE CAREER ADVICE
247
00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:47,567
FROM SCOTT LENCHNER,
THE GUY WHO ASKED ME
248
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:50,467
TO ROLE-PLAY SCHOOL BUS DRIVER/
SEXY SLOW GIRL?
249
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:52,067
- YEAH, WELL, LENCH
WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY.
250
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:54,367
- YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA CALL HIM
THIS WEEK, STACE.
251
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:55,527
- GOOD.
- OR YOU'LL SEE HIM
252
00:09:55,533 --> 00:09:57,073
AT STACEY'S
BIG BIRTHDAY BASH...
253
00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:58,267
IF WE EVER DECIDE
WHAT WE'RE DOING.
254
00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,997
- LOOK, IT'S MY FIRST BIRTHDAY
IN NEW YORK,
255
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,670
AND I JUST WANT TO DO
SOMETHING FUN.
256
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,327
YOU KNOW, WITH US
BOTH IN GRAD SCHOOL,
257
00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:05,303
WE BARELY GO OUT
ANYMORE.
258
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,700
- YEAH. YOU REMEMBER
BACK IN THE DORM
259
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,030
WHEN SLOPPY STACEY
USED TO BE SO PUNK ROCK?
260
00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:10,803
- [laughs]
- I WAS NOT SLOPPY.
261
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,830
I JUST HAD LOW TOLERANCE BECAUSE
I WASN'T EATING MUCH THEN.
262
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,503
BUT SPEAKING OF ROCK,
263
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,000
I DECIDED WHAT I WANT TO DO
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
264
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,830
THE BAND WAVES IS HOLDING
A SUPER-SECRET SHOW,
265
00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:21,503
AND I THINK
WE SHOULD ALL GO,
266
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,400
GET DRUNK, AND DANCE.
267
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,100
- COOL.
YOU, UH--YOU LIKE WAVES?
268
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,500
- YEAH. WHY?
269
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:28,870
- THEY'RE HIP.
THEY'RE NEW. THEY'RE LOUD.
270
00:10:28,867 --> 00:10:31,197
- OH, SCREW YOU GUYS.
I KNOW COOL BANDS.
271
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,530
ANYWAY, THE SHOW
IS SOLD OUT,
272
00:10:32,533 --> 00:10:33,903
BUT I FOUND THIS GUY
ON CRAIGSLIST
273
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:34,930
THAT STILL HAS TICKETS.
274
00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:36,233
JAY, CAN YOU DO ME
A HUGE FAVOR
275
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:38,003
AND GO MEET HIM OUTSIDE
MUSIC HALL TOMORROW AT 10:00?
276
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,330
WE'VE GOT
THE TENNIS CHAMPIONSHIP.
277
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:41,333
- YEAH, WE'RE BRINGING HOME
THE GOLD, BITCHES.
278
00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:42,803
WHAT! BOOM!
279
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,130
- YEAH, SURE.
I CAN DO THAT.
280
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,373
- CAN YOU SEE IF YOU
CAN GET ONE FOR BRETT, TOO?
281
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:46,567
- I THOUGHT YOU ONLY
SLEPT WITH THAT GUY
282
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,827
'CAUSE HE'S GOT
AIR CONDITIONING.
283
00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,933
- YEAH, BUT NOW
I LIKE HIM.
284
00:10:49,933 --> 00:10:51,903
PLUS, IT'S BEEN
REALLY MUGGY LATELY.
285
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,630
- WELL, I'LL BE GOING SOLO
AND PANTS-LESS.
286
00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:56,273
MAYBE IT'LL BE
A GOOD LOOK FOR ME.
287
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:57,997
- JUST GET OVER
THE PANTS GIRL, JAY.
288
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,500
- YEAH, LOOK,
IT'S TIME TO REEVALUATE,
289
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,970
TIME TO HEAL.
290
00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:02,597
- YEAH, EXACTLY. SO WE'LL
ALL GO OUT THIS WEEK
291
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,870
AND HELP YOU
FIND A NEW GIRL,
292
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:05,267
SOMEONE WHO THINKS
THAT IRONY
293
00:11:05,267 --> 00:11:06,927
IS SOMETHING
THAT TASTES LIKE METAL--
294
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,673
YOU KNOW, A SIMPLE GIRL
THAT YOU CAN CONFUSE
295
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,497
INTO BANGING YOU.
296
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,170
- YOU ARE A SPECIAL,
SPECIAL FRIEND.
297
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:16,097
- START YOUR BONER, JAY.
IT'S ON.
298
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,367
- [speaks indistinctly]
299
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:22,527
HANG ON, HANG ON.
UH, SPARE SOME CHANGE, SIR?
300
00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:25,503
- DUDE, WE HAVE
THE SAME PHONE.
301
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,830
[chickens clucking]
302
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:28,133
HEY, LENCH.
303
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,633
- JAY-BONE, ALL RIGHT!
304
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:32,203
- HEY, THANKS FOR MEETING ME.
- NO WORRIES. NO WORRIES.
305
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,970
BUT I GOT TO BE QUICK.
306
00:11:33,967 --> 00:11:35,297
I HAVE TO START
SETTING UP.
307
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,300
- FOR WHAT?
- SERIOUSLY?
308
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,970
YOU NEED TO START
FOLLOWING MY TWEETS.
309
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:41,127
WE'RE THROWING A BANGER TONIGHT
IN HONOR OF OUR FIRST ISSUE.
310
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:43,303
HOLD ON. BOOM.
311
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:45,070
E-VITED.
312
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,667
- SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU GUYS
DO HERE, BY THE WAY?
313
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,067
- WE'RE LAUNCHING
A MAGAZINE
314
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:50,527
THAT FOCUSES ON
ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY...
315
00:11:50,533 --> 00:11:52,103
- WOW.
- AND HOT CHICKS.
316
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,770
CALLING IT ALL NATURALS.
317
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:56,097
THINK MODELS
WITH '70s-ERA BUSH
318
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:59,470
IN HEMP BIKINIS,
TEACHING YOU HOW TO COMPOST.
319
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,467
- YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU LOVED THE PLANET.
320
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,067
- SURE.
IT'S A [bleep] GOLD MINE.
321
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:07,197
BUT YOU, YOU NEED
SOME CAREER ADVICE?
322
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,870
- YEAH, WELL,
IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING,
323
00:12:08,867 --> 00:12:10,927
BUT RIGHT NOW I'M,
LIKE, A RECEPTIONIST.
324
00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:13,073
- WHOA.
- YEAH. IT'S NOT CANCER,
325
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,227
BUT IT'S JUST A B.S. JOB
TILL I FIGURE OUT, LIKE,
326
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:16,903
WHAT I WANT TO DO
WITH MY LIFE.
327
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,700
LATELY I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT MUSIC JOURNALISM.
328
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,730
I DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW
WHERE TO BEGIN.
329
00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:22,733
I JUST CAN'T SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE
330
00:12:22,733 --> 00:12:24,073
DOING SOMETHING
I DON'T LIKE
331
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,497
JUST TO GET LITTLE
GREEN BITS OF PAPER.
332
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:26,800
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
333
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,700
- FULLY. BUT YOU RAN OUT
THE CLOCK THERE, JAY-BONE.
334
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,200
I GOT TO BOUNCE.
LOOK, LET ME THINK ON IT.
335
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,070
MAYBE I KNOW SOMEONE
WHO COULD BE YOUR SAVIOR.
336
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:35,097
- GREAT. REALLY?
337
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:36,830
- I'M PRETTY POPULAR
RIGHT NOW, JAY.
338
00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,873
I'M ROLLING WITH
SUPER-HOT LOCAVORE SLUTS
339
00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:41,097
AND DELICIOUS
RAW-MILK CHEESES.
340
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,270
PEOPLE WANT TO HANG
WITH LENCH.
341
00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:44,497
[phone vibrating]
342
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,070
- OH.
343
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:47,267
DIGAME.
344
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,627
- YO. YOUR BOY LENCH
SAYS HI.
345
00:12:49,633 --> 00:12:52,273
- OH, SPECTACULAR JACKASS,
ISN'T HE?
346
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:54,527
- FULL METAL DOUCHE BAG.
347
00:12:54,533 --> 00:12:56,733
BUT HE IS THROWING
A PARTY TONIGHT.
348
00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:59,233
- OH. THAT'LL PROBABLY BE
CHOCK FULL OF SLUTS.
349
00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:00,933
PERFECT. GAME ON.
350
00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:02,533
- COOL. I'M JUST GONNA HAVE
TO POP OUT IN THE MIDDLE
351
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,703
AND BUY THE TICKETS.
352
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,600
- OH, OKAY.
AAH!
353
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,800
OH. GREAT!
354
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,770
NOW I LOOK LIKE
THE WORLD'S TALLEST BABY.
355
00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:16,367
*
356
00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:20,067
- THIS PLACE IS TEEMING
WITH SUSTAINABLE HOS.
357
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,727
GOT TO HAND IT
TO LENCH, THOUGH.
358
00:13:21,733 --> 00:13:23,073
IT'S KIND OF COOL.
359
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,067
- THERE HE IS.
360
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:27,427
- SO IS, UH,
EVERYTHING DREADLOCKED?
361
00:13:27,433 --> 00:13:29,273
SHH, SHH, SHH,
SHH, SHH.
362
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,297
LET ME BE SURPRISED.
363
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,130
- UGH.
WHAT UP?
364
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:36,927
- OH, SHOOT.
365
00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:38,773
IT'S ALREADY 10:00.
I SHOULD GO AND BUY THE TICKETS.
366
00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,267
- WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK.
367
00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:43,067
- WHAT?
- CUTE DORKS.
368
00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:47,233
IT'S TIME TO HARVEST.
369
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,403
HI.
GREAT PARTY, RIGHT?
370
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,200
- AWESOME.
I'M SPENCER.
371
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,470
- THUMBELINA.
372
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,567
- I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.
373
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,767
- I LIKE YOUR POTENTIALLY
CLOUDED JUDGMENT.
374
00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,397
SO WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO THIS PARTY?
375
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,070
- WE WORK HERE IN LEGAL.
376
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:03,367
- JILL, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
377
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:04,927
- LAWYERS.
- YEAH.
378
00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:07,073
THEY'RE PROBABLY CLEAN
AND WILL LEAVE EARLY.
379
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:08,227
YOU TAKE JACOBY.
I'LL TAKE MEYERS.
380
00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:10,173
- WHOA. WHAT ABOUT BRETT?
- IF OUR RELATIONSHIP
381
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:11,497
CAN'T WEATHER
A MINOR INDISCRETION
382
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,070
WITH A HANDSOME DORK,
THEN WHAT CHANCE DO WE HAVE?
383
00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:15,667
YOU KNOW, I HEAR
THERE'S A SPOT HERE
384
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,627
WHERE YOU CAN CHURN
YOUR OWN BUTTER.
385
00:14:17,633 --> 00:14:20,073
LET'S FIND IT.
386
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,267
- ARE YOU EXPECTING A CALL?
387
00:14:22,267 --> 00:14:23,597
- NO, THERE'S
JUST SOMETHING
388
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,300
I SHOULD REALLY
BE DOING RIGHT NOW.
389
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,900
GOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
390
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,400
- OH, THAT'S TOO BAD,
'CAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING
391
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,070
I WAS REALLY HOPING
TO BE DOING TONIGHT, TOO.
392
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,397
BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE.
393
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,730
- MINE!
- GOT IT.
394
00:14:37,733 --> 00:14:39,473
- YES!
- MINE! UGH!
395
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:42,497
- [grunts]
- NO, DON'T DO IT!
396
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,670
- MATCH POINT!
- WHERE IS YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW?
397
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,067
- WHERE IS MY HEAD?
THAT WAS ALL YOURS.
398
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:48,397
- THAT WAS NOT MINE.
- HEY, GAME POINT.
399
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,630
- YOUR SERVE.
400
00:14:49,633 --> 00:14:51,373
- LISTEN TO ME.
WE ARE NOT LOSING
401
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,067
TO "BEFORE"
AND "AFTER."
402
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:54,827
- WHAT, WHAT!
403
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,173
- COPY?
- I COPY.
404
00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:57,467
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
405
00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:58,767
LOCKED AND LOADED, BABY.
406
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,097
WHITE LIGHTNING.
- CHOCOLATE THUNDER.
407
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,070
- * I'M GONNA TEXT YOU *
408
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,067
* SO I DON'T DO IT
WHEN I'M HIGH *
409
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,527
* I'M GONNA SEX YOU *
410
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,803
- [moaning]
411
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:13,827
MM-MM. MM-MM.
412
00:15:13,833 --> 00:15:16,333
OKAY.
413
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:19,303
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX
WITH YOU.
414
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,400
I DON'T LET GUYS
JUST STICK THEIR PENIS IN ME
415
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,770
ALL WILLIE-NILLIE.
416
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:25,197
KNOW THAT.
417
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,300
- I'D NEVER STICK MY PENIS
IN YOU ALL WILLIE-NILLIE.
418
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:36,233
OKAY, I RESPECT
YOUR BOUNDARIES.
419
00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:38,273
- OW! OW! IF YOU BITE ME
ONE MORE TIME,
420
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,797
I SWEAR I'M GONNA
NUT-PUNCH YOU!
421
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,970
- FEEL MY SWORD.
- YOUR SWORD? WHAT, IS IT SHARP?
422
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:44,067
OH, MY GOD.
DUDE, YOU SEEM OKAY.
423
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,467
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOU PLAN ON SKINNING ME
424
00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:46,697
AND TURNING ME
INTO A GIRL SUIT,
425
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:48,330
BUT EITHER WAY,
I'M NOT GOING TO YOUR PLACE.
426
00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:49,903
- COME ON,
IT'LL BE TOTALLY COOL.
427
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,630
- LOOK, IT COULD BE FROZEN
AND COVERED WITH SPRINKLES.
428
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,073
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
429
00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:54,067
I'VE KIND OF
GOT THIS THING GOING
430
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:55,397
WITH THIS
POET/CHOCOLATIER.
431
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,470
I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT.
432
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:57,567
BUT IF YOU WANT TO PAY
FOR THE CAB,
433
00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:58,767
YOU CAN DO
A LITTLE TAXI-TOUCHING.
434
00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:00,667
- COME ON.
- DUDE, TAKE THE DEAL.
435
00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,127
OTHERWISE, A HAND JOB
IS A MAN'S JOB,
436
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,303
AND YOU CAN GET OUT AT THE LIGHT
AND MIME A VAGINA.
437
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,530
- [moaning]
438
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:10,967
COULD--COULD...
439
00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,567
COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
440
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:16,327
COULD YOU STICK YOUR FINGER
IN MY ASS?
441
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,230
- OKAY.
442
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,697
HOW'S THAT
WORKING FOR YOU?
443
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:29,500
- COULD YOU TRY
YOUR THUMB?
444
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:37,097
- GOD. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW
HOW THE DAY'S GONNA END, DO YA?
445
00:16:45,867 --> 00:16:47,797
- WHOA!
YOU OKAY, BOSS?
446
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,830
- NOT EMOTIONALLY.
DO YOU SELL SPLINTS?
447
00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:53,873
- WHAT IS A SPLINTS?
448
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:55,967
- MEYERS IS
A FRICKIN' VAMPIRE.
449
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,297
- WHOA.
- HELLO, TINA.
450
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,700
SEE, I'M BEING NICE
TO YOU TODAY
451
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,770
BECAUSE OF YOUR
FESTERING NECK WOUND.
452
00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:02,227
- YEAH, WELL,
"WHORE FRIEND OF JASON"
453
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:03,403
IS ACTUALLY
WAY MORE APPROPRIATE.
454
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,600
WHAT'S UP
WITH YOUR THUMB?
455
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,900
- JACOBY'S ASS.
456
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,830
HER SPHINCTER HAD THE GRIP
OF A MERCHANT MARINE.
457
00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,533
THIS PERVY LAWYER
JUST MADE JANE LOOK BETTER,
458
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:12,533
BY THE WAY,
SO THANK YOU, TINA.
459
00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:13,933
- WELL, BE PREPARED
TO UP YOUR BUMMER LEVEL.
460
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,233
STACEY JUST CALLED ME.
461
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:17,073
APPARENTLY THE CRAIGSLIST GUY
SOLD THE TICKETS
462
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,427
TO SOMEBODY ELSE.
463
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:21,103
- OH, NO.
THAT IS NOT GOOD.
464
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:22,770
- NO.
SHE IS PISSED.
465
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:27,067
- WELL, I-I GOT TO FIGURE
SOMETHING OUT.
466
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,067
- SHINGLES.
- NO.
467
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,067
COME ON,
YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
468
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,397
IT'S HOT.
OH, I'M SO...
469
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,570
- AH! AH!
STAGE 4 MELANOMA.
470
00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:36,297
both:
YES! DREAM TEAM!
471
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:38,200
- OKAY, NEXT.
472
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,770
[rock music playing
in distance]
473
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,327
THAT IS, UM...
474
00:17:41,333 --> 00:17:42,903
THAT'S, UH...
475
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:46,100
[clicks tongue]
THAT'S--DAMN IT.
476
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:47,700
STAND BY.
477
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,327
OH, YEAH,
YOU GOT TO SEE THIS.
478
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:56,103
COME ON.
HE'S PULLING A CUSACK.
479
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:00,870
[car blasting music]
480
00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:02,167
- COME ON, MAN!
481
00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,067
[tires squealing]
482
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:10,267
- YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY!
- I CAN FIX IT! I HAVE A PLAN!
483
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,797
- OH, YEAH, JAY,
THAT'S REALLY YOU--
484
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,170
THE MAN WITH THE PLAN.
485
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,067
- NO, REALLY,
I HAVE ONE.
486
00:18:15,067 --> 00:18:16,327
- YOU'RE GONNA
FORGIVE HIM, RIGHT?
487
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,603
- AH, IT'S JASON.
JAY--
488
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,600
- WHOA, WHOA. LET'S SEE
HOW LONG HE STAYS OUT THERE.
489
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,330
[music continues playing]
490
00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,073
- [shouts indistinctly]
- OH!
491
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,930
- I DON'T CARE
IF I'M GETTING OLDER.
492
00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:33,773
MY MAN'S GONNA BE A DOCTOR
AND GIVE ME FREE BOTOX.
493
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:35,827
- I'M GONNA KEEP YOU
YOUNG FOREVER, BABE.
494
00:18:35,833 --> 00:18:38,433
YOU'RE GONNA BE
MY OWN LITTLE HEIDI MONTAG.
495
00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:41,567
- HEY.
496
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,667
HOW'S YOUR THUMB?
497
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,567
- UH, SURPRISINGLY SORE.
498
00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:45,967
HOW IS YOUR NECK WOUND?
499
00:18:45,967 --> 00:18:47,527
- UH, ITCHY.
- OOH.
500
00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:50,733
- WOW, JAY!
THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT!
501
00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:52,833
NICE COMEBACK.
502
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:56,073
OOH! HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU
SPEND ON THESE DUMPLINGS?
503
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:57,627
- UH, ALMOST ALL OF IT.
504
00:18:57,633 --> 00:18:59,773
- OH.
505
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:04,197
- A CROCK-POT?
ERIC, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
506
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,730
- OH, I KNEW.
507
00:19:06,733 --> 00:19:08,903
- OH, THOSE TWO
ARE SO IN LOVE--
508
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,930
VERY BORING, SLOW-COOKED,
BUT VERY TENDER LOVE.
509
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:14,733
- SPEAKING OF LOVE,
WHERE'S BRETT?
510
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:16,573
WAS IT THE MINOR
DORK INDISCRETION?
511
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,467
- NO, I FOUND
A COLDPLAY CD.
512
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:22,067
- YEAH, THAT'S THAT.
- YEAH.
513
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:23,627
- OH, IN ALL MY EXCITEMENT,
514
00:19:23,633 --> 00:19:25,233
I, UH--I FORGOT
TO BUY STACEY A PRESENT.
515
00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:27,203
- OH, AND YET
SHE'S STILL GETTING A GIFT
516
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,630
FROM THE BOTH OF US.
517
00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:30,133
I PUT YOUR NAME
ON THE CARD.
518
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,673
IT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE
YOU OWE ME FOR.
519
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:34,397
- WAIT.
WHAT WAS THE FIRST ONE?
520
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,300
- I FIGURED YOU COULD USE
A FRESH PAIR.
521
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,930
HAVE FUN
GETTING THEM DIRTY.
522
00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,373
- THANK YOU, TINA.
523
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,827
- TINA...
- UGH.
524
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,173
HERE.
525
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:45,597
HEY, LOOK.
526
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,300
LOOK.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
527
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,300
I WAS LIKE,
"WHERE IS YOUR EAR?"
528
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,670
YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.
529
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,967
- * I WON'T FIGHT *
530
00:19:55,967 --> 00:20:00,367
* I WILL NOT CONQUER
531
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:05,097
* I WON'T TRY
TO IMPRESS YOUR MOTHER *
532
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:11,070
* I WILL NOT DINE OUT LATE
WITH FATHER *
533
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,627
* WE WON'T SIP WINE... *
534
00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:15,003
- OH, SWEET JESUS.
535
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,500
THAT GIRL
REALLY GOT TO YOU, HUH?
536
00:20:18,867 --> 00:20:20,327
- NO.
537
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:23,673
I JUST WANT MY PANTS BACK.
NO, THAT'S ALL I WANT.
538
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,527
- I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA PICK
THAT UP AFTER EVERYBODY LEAVES.
539
00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:27,333
- AND WHAT,
DO SOME C.S.I. CRAP?
540
00:20:27,333 --> 00:20:29,333
- WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!
541
00:20:31,633 --> 00:20:32,773
- IT'S A TOTAL HAIL MARY,
542
00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:34,227
BUT I COULD POST ON
MISSSED CONNECTIONS.
543
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,933
- I'M KENT. I INTERN HERE.
- HI, INTERN KENT.
544
00:20:36,933 --> 00:20:39,003
- JANE RESPONDED
TO MY CRAIGSLIST AD.
545
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,670
- I ALSO HAVE SOME NEWS.
I DE-VIRGINIZED AN INTERN.
546
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:44,567
- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU JUST
MANAGED TO STEAL MY THUNDER,
547
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:45,497
BUT YOU DID.
39008
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