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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,033 --> 00:00:04,703 [television playing, phone ringing] 2 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:05,870 [phone beeps] 3 00:00:05,867 --> 00:00:07,067 - HEY. 4 00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,127 I'M--NO, I'M NOT TOUCHING IT. 5 00:00:10,133 --> 00:00:12,473 I DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE WHILE I MASTURBATE... 6 00:00:12,467 --> 00:00:15,197 UNLESS I'M AT WORK. 7 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,300 A DRINK NOW? 8 00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,800 NO. 9 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,130 NO, I CAN'T. 10 00:00:20,133 --> 00:00:22,473 I CAN'T BE LATE FOR WORK TOMORROW. 11 00:00:22,467 --> 00:00:28,067 * 12 00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:36,433 - HERE. TO FREEDOM! 13 00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:38,503 - THANKS, TEEN. 14 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:39,970 [coughs] 15 00:00:39,967 --> 00:00:42,497 THAT TASTED LIKE PAINT THINNER AND ASS. 16 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:43,770 - MINE WAS LIKE INTERCOURSE AND TEARS. 17 00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:45,067 - OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW. 18 00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:46,697 I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT SEX TASTES LIKE. 19 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,570 - LIKE CHICKEN. WAIT. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? 20 00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:51,967 - SIX WEEKS. - WOW. 21 00:00:51,967 --> 00:00:54,397 SIX WHOLE WEEKS-- YOU'RE LIKE A BORN-AGAIN VIRGIN. 22 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,070 LOOK, JASON, IT'S JUST A BAD STREAK. 23 00:00:56,067 --> 00:00:57,827 YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A STREAKER. 24 00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,233 REMEMBER SENIOR YEAR? 25 00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,273 IN ONE WEEKEND, YOU HOOKED UP WITH THAT A.E.PHI PLEDGE, 26 00:01:01,267 --> 00:01:03,567 THE GERMAN GIRL WITH THE THING ON HER THING, 27 00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:05,297 AND DR. PHIL. 28 00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:07,200 - WHO? - THE LADY HITLER, 29 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,700 THE CHICK WITH THE LITTLE MOUSTACHE. 30 00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,200 - DEBBIE LEE. RIGHT. 31 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,700 NO, I MEAN, THAT WAS A GOOD WEEK FOR ME, 32 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,200 BUT BEING A STREAKER ISN'T WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT. 33 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,870 SERIOUSLY, TINA, THIS COULD BE BAD. 34 00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:16,597 - GOT ANY WEED? 35 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,400 - I'M JUST SAYING, IT'S LIKE, 36 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,130 THIS LITTLE DRY SPELL 37 00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:23,233 COULD EASILY TURN INTO THE DROUGHT OF THE DECADE. 38 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:25,073 I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING'S OFF. 39 00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:28,067 I FEEL, LIKE, A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE. 40 00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:31,067 - MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP MAKING STAR WARS REFERENCES. 41 00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,097 HERE, I'M HIGH. 42 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:33,370 - YEAH, I'M HIGH TOO. 43 00:01:33,367 --> 00:01:35,397 LIKE I COULD EAT A WHEEL OF CHEESE HIGH. 44 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,200 - AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR "I NEED TO CHECK MY TESTICLES 45 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,300 FOR LUMPS" HIGH AGAIN. 46 00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:39,900 CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE? 47 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,230 BEING IN HERE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO POOP. 48 00:01:42,233 --> 00:01:43,233 - EW. 49 00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:46,433 [rock music playing] 50 00:01:46,433 --> 00:01:47,873 [patrons chattering indistinctly] 51 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,830 - IT'S BRETT. 52 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:55,433 I MIGHT GO LET HIM GIVE ME A FOOT MASSAGE. 53 00:01:55,433 --> 00:01:56,903 BY "FOOT MASSAGE," I MEAN SEX. 54 00:01:56,900 --> 00:02:00,770 JUST TALK TO THAT GIRL. GO BE FUNNY. 55 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,927 FUNNY TO GIRLS IS LIKE BOOBS TO BOYS. 56 00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:04,803 [sniffs] SMELL YA LATER. 57 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,270 - SMELL YOU. 58 00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:13,133 HI. I'M JASON, 59 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,773 THE GUY WHO'S BEEN STARING AT YOU. 60 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,227 - YEAH, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO USE MY MACE. 61 00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:18,603 - THAT WOULD'VE BEEN SO EMBARRASSING. 62 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,100 I MEAN, IT'S ALL ABOUT TASERS NOW. 63 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,170 MACE IS SO OVER. 64 00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:23,367 IT'S LIKE TOE RINGS 65 00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:25,067 OR THE LINDSAY LOHAN LEGGING COLLECTION. 66 00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,197 - OR GLACIERS OR MARINE LIFE IN THE GULF. 67 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,070 - WHOA. YOU JUST GOT A LITTLE DARK THERE. 68 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,967 - "I'M A LONER, DOTTIE. A REBEL." 69 00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:34,827 - PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? OH, MY GOD. 70 00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,603 THAT'S, LIKE, THE BEST MOVIE STARRING A SEX OFFENDER EVER. 71 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,230 - MM. SO WHAT DO YOU DO 72 00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:41,433 WHEN YOU'RE NOT OUT BEING A BAR HERO? 73 00:02:41,433 --> 00:02:44,203 - UH, YEAH... I DRIVE NASCAR, ACTUALLY-- 74 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,930 - OH. - DAYTONA, TALLADEGA... 75 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:49,273 - OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU DANICA PATRICK? 76 00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:51,727 - YES. NO, BUT SAME CHEEKBONES. 77 00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:53,873 - SAME BOOBS, TOO. 78 00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:55,927 - YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY. 79 00:02:55,933 --> 00:02:57,503 - SO ARE YOU. 80 00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,330 SHALL WE CONTINUE BEING FUNNY OVER ANOTHER DRINK? 81 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,833 - INDEED WE SHALL. 82 00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:06,933 - HELP ME TAKE MY SHIRT OFF, 83 00:03:06,933 --> 00:03:07,933 AND I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR PANTS. 84 00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:10,433 - DEAL. 85 00:03:10,433 --> 00:03:11,833 OH, MY GOD. THIS IS TOO PERFECT. 86 00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:12,873 WHAT IF YOU'RE SCAMMING ME 87 00:03:12,867 --> 00:03:14,067 SO YOU CAN STEAL MY DISCOVER CARD 88 00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,397 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? 89 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,900 I MEAN, WHAT IF YOU'RE REALLY, LIKE, A SEXY TRANSSEXUAL 90 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,500 AND LATER I DISCOVER, OOPS, YOU HAVE A PENIS? 91 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,100 I MEAN, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN A SECRET FEAR OF MINE. 92 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,100 - I'M ALL GIRL, AND NO ONE TAKES DISCOVER. 93 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,600 YOU'RE SAFE. 94 00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:32,067 - YOU KNOW, I DO HAVE A BED. 95 00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,327 - LET'S DO IT IN YOUR FRIDGE! 96 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:38,527 COME ON! 97 00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:44,267 HURRY. IT KIND OF SMELLS IN HERE. 98 00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:47,067 - WHAT A FANTASTIC EMAIL THIS IS GONNA MAKE TOMORROW. 99 00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:56,833 - SO DO YOU THINK I'M A SLUT? 100 00:03:56,833 --> 00:04:00,233 - ONLY IN THE BEST, MOST POSITIVE WAY. 101 00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:03,503 LISTEN, I HAD, LIKE, A REALLY GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT, 102 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,970 BUT I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. 103 00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:08,697 I LIED. I DON'T ACTUALLY DRIVE STOCK CARS. 104 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:11,270 - [gasps] I LIED, TOO. I'M NOT REALLY A WOMAN. 105 00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:12,697 - TECHNICALLY YOU ARE. - [laughs] 106 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:13,870 - I DIDN'T SEE ANY BOY PARTS, 107 00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:16,067 AND I DOUBLE-CHECKED. 108 00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,967 - I'D MAKE BREAKFAST, BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT 109 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,767 YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE. 110 00:04:21,767 --> 00:04:22,897 - [laughs] WE COULD GO GET SOME COFFEE. 111 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,770 - WHOA, IT'S 9:00? I'M SO LATE. 112 00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:27,897 IS IT OKAY IF I BORROW THESE? - UH, YEAH. 113 00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:29,770 - I HATE WHEN MY DOORMAN SEES ME IN THE SAME CLOTHES 114 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:30,967 FROM THE DAY BEFORE. 115 00:04:30,967 --> 00:04:32,827 - IT HAPPENS A LOT, HUH? - HA HA. 116 00:04:48,233 --> 00:04:53,073 - HEY, COULD I-- COULD I GET YOUR NUMBER? 117 00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,327 OR SHOULD I JUST STALK YOU? 118 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:55,533 ACTUALLY, I'M KIND OF LAZY. 119 00:04:55,533 --> 00:04:57,503 I THINK MAYBE A NUMBER MIGHT WORK BETTER. 120 00:05:02,333 --> 00:05:03,433 - OKAY. 121 00:05:08,733 --> 00:05:09,973 SEE YOU AROUND. 122 00:05:09,967 --> 00:05:11,527 - DEFINITELY. 123 00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:17,203 YES! OHH! 124 00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,567 - HEY, HOW ARE YOU, BOSS? 125 00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:24,267 - I FEEL LIKE A THOUSAND DOLLARS... 126 00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:27,327 WHICH IS 900 MORE THAN I HAVE IN MY CHECKING ACCOUNT. 127 00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:29,303 BUT WHATEVER. I FEEL GREAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 128 00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:30,730 - NEW SECURITY. 129 00:05:30,733 --> 00:05:33,103 NO ONE WILL BE ROBBED, RAPED, OR MURDERED IN THIS STORE... 130 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,600 NOT AGAIN. 131 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,800 - THAT'S A GOOD SLOGAN, MAN. YOU SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE DOOR. 132 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,530 - YEAH. 133 00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:40,203 - HEY, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT? 134 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,800 - WELL, BACK HOME I WORKED AT A VIDEO BUSINESS. 135 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,870 HAD A BEAUTIFUL, BIG-BREASTED GIRLFRIEND THERE, MAN. 136 00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:46,227 IT'S HARD FOR A MAN TO BE ALONE, JASON. 137 00:05:46,233 --> 00:05:48,973 - WELL, HERE WE SAY, "NO MAN IS AN ISLAND." 138 00:05:48,967 --> 00:05:52,697 - OH, IN MY COUNTRY IT'S... [speaking native language] 139 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,800 "UGLY GIRL BLAMES MIRROR." 140 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,770 - YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME THING. 141 00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:57,967 - YES, IT IS. 142 00:05:57,967 --> 00:06:00,297 - I NEED AN EGG SANDWICH, AND I NEED IT NOW. 143 00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,730 - OOH, YOU NEED ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP 144 00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:03,733 AND A BARBECUE BRUSH. 145 00:06:03,733 --> 00:06:05,073 - YOU NEED A PREGNANCY TEST. 146 00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:06,867 - DON'T TOY WITH ME. I'M FRAGILE. 147 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,767 - OKAY, WHORE FRIEND OF JASON. 148 00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:10,667 - HE NEVER REMEMBERS MY NAME. 149 00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,967 - SO YOU HAD FUN LAST NIGHT WITH BRETT, HUH? 150 00:06:12,967 --> 00:06:15,527 - YEAH. LET'S JUST SAY I INTRODUCED HIM TO GOD. 151 00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:16,973 YOU? WHAT HAPPENED? 152 00:06:16,967 --> 00:06:19,627 - IT HAPPENED. THE DRY SPELL IS OVER! 153 00:06:19,633 --> 00:06:20,803 - GREAT! 154 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,400 - I HAD SEX WITH THAT GIRL LAST NIGHT 155 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,800 IN MY [bleep] REFRIGERATOR! 156 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,300 - YAY! CONGRATS. YOU'RE BACK, MAN. 157 00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:26,630 - I AM. I'M BACK! 158 00:06:26,633 --> 00:06:28,833 GOD, I FEEL STRONGER AND MORE CONFIDENT, 159 00:06:28,833 --> 00:06:31,803 LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS IN THE HAIR TRANSPLANT COMMERCIALS. 160 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,270 NO, YOU'D REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL, TEEN. 161 00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,967 I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL. 162 00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:37,127 SHE'S CUTE, AND SHE'S FUNNY, 163 00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:39,433 AND SHE'S SURPRISINGLY FILTHY. 164 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,133 - THESE ARE A FEW OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS. 165 00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,233 - YEAH, BUT SHE'S, LIKE, PRETTY PERFECT. 166 00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:44,833 AND I PLAYED IT TOTALLY COOL. 167 00:06:44,833 --> 00:06:47,073 I WAS LIKE THIS YOUNG JAMES VAN DER BEEK. 168 00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,067 - ER! UH, THAT'S YOUR GOLD STANDARD? 169 00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,967 - YEAH. - WELL, WAY TO GO, DAWSON. 170 00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:52,467 WAIT. I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. 171 00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:54,367 I WAS GOING THROUGH BRETT'S WALLET THIS MORNING-- 172 00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:55,867 - WHOA. WAIT. YOU WERE FISHING THROUGH HIS WALLET? 173 00:06:55,867 --> 00:06:57,067 - WOULD YOU EVER CARRY WITH YOU 174 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,197 A FROZEN YOGURT FREQUENT EATER'S CARD? 175 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,300 - I GOT TO GET TO WORK, PSYCHO. 176 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,700 - WELL, THERE'S NINE PUNCHES ON IT! 177 00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:04,270 - NINE PUNCHES? GAY. 178 00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:11,467 - [sighs] WAIT. LET ME GUESS-- 179 00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:12,767 DENTIST APPOINTMENT. 180 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,067 - SORRY. I'M LATE. 181 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,527 YOU KNOW, I THINK I HAVE SLEEP APNEA. 182 00:07:15,533 --> 00:07:17,573 WebMD SAYS I'M, LIKE, A PRIME CANDIDATE. 183 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,067 - OH, NO PROBLEM. 184 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,867 I'M JUST GONNA START DOCKING YOUR PAY WHEN YOU'RE LATE. 185 00:07:20,867 --> 00:07:22,097 - REALLY? 186 00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,500 - YEAH, REALLY. IT'S NOT A DEMOCRACY, JAY. 187 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:27,170 I AM PHARAOH. YOU ARE JEW. 188 00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:29,067 NOW, GO DO YOUR JOB AND BUILD ME A PYRAMID. 189 00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:30,797 EVERYBODY'S WAITING ON YOU. 190 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,170 - YOU KNOW, JB, I ACTUALLY AM JEWISH. 191 00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:35,427 - OH, GREAT. HAPPY HANUKAH. 192 00:07:35,433 --> 00:07:37,903 ALSO, THE TOILET'S CLOGGED, 193 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:40,070 SO GO PART THE BROWN SEA, MOSES. 194 00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:41,597 CLEAN IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, 195 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,970 LIKE YOU KNOW WE'RE IN A RECESSION 196 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:45,127 AND I GET EMAILED A LOT OF QUALIFIED RESUMES. 197 00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:47,333 BY THE WAY, THIS GUY'S TOO TALL. 198 00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:50,333 THIS ONE'S JUST RIGHT. 199 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:51,433 [camera beeps] 200 00:07:51,433 --> 00:07:54,103 - OKAY, UH, YOU'LL BE PLAYING, 201 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,600 UM, A PIECE OF FRUIT. 202 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,330 DOESN'T SAY WHAT KIND, BUT THEY WANT TO SEE YOU DANCE. 203 00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:03,073 - HOW THE [bleep] DOES FRUIT DANCE? 204 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,327 - HAPPY? 205 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,070 HI, JANEY. IT'S JASON. 206 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,597 UGH. 207 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,600 HOLA, JANEY. COMO ESTAS? 208 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,070 JESUS. 209 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:25,127 VAN DER BEEK, VAN DER BEEK, VAN DER BEEK... 210 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,170 [line ringing] 211 00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:29,497 [phone ringing] 212 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,330 - [speaking native language] MAY I HELP YOU? 213 00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:35,603 - HI. UH, IS-- IS JANE THERE? 214 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,600 - THIS IS PATAKAN THAI. 215 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,730 - UM, IS THIS 555-0114? 216 00:08:41,733 --> 00:08:43,773 - THIS IS THAI RESTAURANT, OKAY? 217 00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:46,467 [phone clicks] 218 00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:47,967 - [softly] CRAP. 219 00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:49,527 [phone beeping] 220 00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:51,773 [phone ringing] 221 00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:56,067 - [speaking native language] MAY I HELP YOU? 222 00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:57,427 - UH, YEAH. 223 00:08:57,433 --> 00:09:01,103 UM, COULD I HAVE AN ORDER TO BE DELIVERED? 224 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:04,730 [pop music playing, phone vibrating] 225 00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:05,903 [phone beeps] 226 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,270 - MOSHI-MOSHI. 227 00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:09,727 - FRIDGE GIRL STOLE MY PANTS. 228 00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:13,403 - HERE, EVERYONE, MEET MY NEW GIRLFRIEND. 229 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,770 - YOU'VE INTRODUCED US TO WORSE. - HOW ARE YOU DOING, JAY? 230 00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:17,067 DO YOU HAVE POST-PANTS DEPRESSION? 231 00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:19,227 - NO, BUT... 232 00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:20,603 I REALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS INTO ME. 233 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,070 I MEAN, WHY WOULD SHE BORROW MY PANTS 234 00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:23,367 IF SHE WAS JUST GONNA BLOW ME OFF? 235 00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,367 - PEOPLE TAKE SEX TROPHIES, JAY. 236 00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:27,067 I MEAN, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. 237 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,367 - IT'S TRUE. 238 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,667 MOST OF MY DISH RAGS ARE FROM PREVIOUS LOVERS. 239 00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,967 - I STILL HAVE MY JUNIOR-HIGH BOYFRIEND'S RETAINER. 240 00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:35,067 - EW. - WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, 241 00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:37,397 AT LEAST MY CAREER IS OFF TO AN EXCELLENT START. 242 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,100 YEAH, IT'S BEEN A REAL BANNER DAY. 243 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,600 - WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED SCOTT YET, JAY? 244 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,100 I MEAN, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE GONNA CALL, 245 00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,430 LIKE, THREE MONTHS AGO. 246 00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:46,073 - WAIT. YOU WANT HIM TO TAKE CAREER ADVICE 247 00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:47,567 FROM SCOTT LENCHNER, THE GUY WHO ASKED ME 248 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:50,467 TO ROLE-PLAY SCHOOL BUS DRIVER/ SEXY SLOW GIRL? 249 00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:52,067 - YEAH, WELL, LENCH WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY. 250 00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:54,367 - YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA CALL HIM THIS WEEK, STACE. 251 00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:55,527 - GOOD. - OR YOU'LL SEE HIM 252 00:09:55,533 --> 00:09:57,073 AT STACEY'S BIG BIRTHDAY BASH... 253 00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:58,267 IF WE EVER DECIDE WHAT WE'RE DOING. 254 00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,997 - LOOK, IT'S MY FIRST BIRTHDAY IN NEW YORK, 255 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,670 AND I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING FUN. 256 00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,327 YOU KNOW, WITH US BOTH IN GRAD SCHOOL, 257 00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:05,303 WE BARELY GO OUT ANYMORE. 258 00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,700 - YEAH. YOU REMEMBER BACK IN THE DORM 259 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,030 WHEN SLOPPY STACEY USED TO BE SO PUNK ROCK? 260 00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:10,803 - [laughs] - I WAS NOT SLOPPY. 261 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,830 I JUST HAD LOW TOLERANCE BECAUSE I WASN'T EATING MUCH THEN. 262 00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,503 BUT SPEAKING OF ROCK, 263 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,000 I DECIDED WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR MY BIRTHDAY. 264 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,830 THE BAND WAVES IS HOLDING A SUPER-SECRET SHOW, 265 00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:21,503 AND I THINK WE SHOULD ALL GO, 266 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,400 GET DRUNK, AND DANCE. 267 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,100 - COOL. YOU, UH--YOU LIKE WAVES? 268 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,500 - YEAH. WHY? 269 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:28,870 - THEY'RE HIP. THEY'RE NEW. THEY'RE LOUD. 270 00:10:28,867 --> 00:10:31,197 - OH, SCREW YOU GUYS. I KNOW COOL BANDS. 271 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,530 ANYWAY, THE SHOW IS SOLD OUT, 272 00:10:32,533 --> 00:10:33,903 BUT I FOUND THIS GUY ON CRAIGSLIST 273 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:34,930 THAT STILL HAS TICKETS. 274 00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:36,233 JAY, CAN YOU DO ME A HUGE FAVOR 275 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:38,003 AND GO MEET HIM OUTSIDE MUSIC HALL TOMORROW AT 10:00? 276 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,330 WE'VE GOT THE TENNIS CHAMPIONSHIP. 277 00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:41,333 - YEAH, WE'RE BRINGING HOME THE GOLD, BITCHES. 278 00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:42,803 WHAT! BOOM! 279 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,130 - YEAH, SURE. I CAN DO THAT. 280 00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,373 - CAN YOU SEE IF YOU CAN GET ONE FOR BRETT, TOO? 281 00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:46,567 - I THOUGHT YOU ONLY SLEPT WITH THAT GUY 282 00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,827 'CAUSE HE'S GOT AIR CONDITIONING. 283 00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,933 - YEAH, BUT NOW I LIKE HIM. 284 00:10:49,933 --> 00:10:51,903 PLUS, IT'S BEEN REALLY MUGGY LATELY. 285 00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,630 - WELL, I'LL BE GOING SOLO AND PANTS-LESS. 286 00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:56,273 MAYBE IT'LL BE A GOOD LOOK FOR ME. 287 00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:57,997 - JUST GET OVER THE PANTS GIRL, JAY. 288 00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,500 - YEAH, LOOK, IT'S TIME TO REEVALUATE, 289 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,970 TIME TO HEAL. 290 00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:02,597 - YEAH, EXACTLY. SO WE'LL ALL GO OUT THIS WEEK 291 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,870 AND HELP YOU FIND A NEW GIRL, 292 00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:05,267 SOMEONE WHO THINKS THAT IRONY 293 00:11:05,267 --> 00:11:06,927 IS SOMETHING THAT TASTES LIKE METAL-- 294 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,673 YOU KNOW, A SIMPLE GIRL THAT YOU CAN CONFUSE 295 00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,497 INTO BANGING YOU. 296 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,170 - YOU ARE A SPECIAL, SPECIAL FRIEND. 297 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:16,097 - START YOUR BONER, JAY. IT'S ON. 298 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,367 - [speaks indistinctly] 299 00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:22,527 HANG ON, HANG ON. UH, SPARE SOME CHANGE, SIR? 300 00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:25,503 - DUDE, WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE. 301 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,830 [chickens clucking] 302 00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:28,133 HEY, LENCH. 303 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,633 - JAY-BONE, ALL RIGHT! 304 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:32,203 - HEY, THANKS FOR MEETING ME. - NO WORRIES. NO WORRIES. 305 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,970 BUT I GOT TO BE QUICK. 306 00:11:33,967 --> 00:11:35,297 I HAVE TO START SETTING UP. 307 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,300 - FOR WHAT? - SERIOUSLY? 308 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,970 YOU NEED TO START FOLLOWING MY TWEETS. 309 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:41,127 WE'RE THROWING A BANGER TONIGHT IN HONOR OF OUR FIRST ISSUE. 310 00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:43,303 HOLD ON. BOOM. 311 00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:45,070 E-VITED. 312 00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,667 - SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU GUYS DO HERE, BY THE WAY? 313 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,067 - WE'RE LAUNCHING A MAGAZINE 314 00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:50,527 THAT FOCUSES ON ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY... 315 00:11:50,533 --> 00:11:52,103 - WOW. - AND HOT CHICKS. 316 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,770 CALLING IT ALL NATURALS. 317 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:56,097 THINK MODELS WITH '70s-ERA BUSH 318 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:59,470 IN HEMP BIKINIS, TEACHING YOU HOW TO COMPOST. 319 00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,467 - YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LOVED THE PLANET. 320 00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,067 - SURE. IT'S A [bleep] GOLD MINE. 321 00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:07,197 BUT YOU, YOU NEED SOME CAREER ADVICE? 322 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,870 - YEAH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING, 323 00:12:08,867 --> 00:12:10,927 BUT RIGHT NOW I'M, LIKE, A RECEPTIONIST. 324 00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:13,073 - WHOA. - YEAH. IT'S NOT CANCER, 325 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,227 BUT IT'S JUST A B.S. JOB TILL I FIGURE OUT, LIKE, 326 00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:16,903 WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. 327 00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,700 LATELY I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MUSIC JOURNALISM. 328 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,730 I DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. 329 00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:22,733 I JUST CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE 330 00:12:22,733 --> 00:12:24,073 DOING SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE 331 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,497 JUST TO GET LITTLE GREEN BITS OF PAPER. 332 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:26,800 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 333 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,700 - FULLY. BUT YOU RAN OUT THE CLOCK THERE, JAY-BONE. 334 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,200 I GOT TO BOUNCE. LOOK, LET ME THINK ON IT. 335 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,070 MAYBE I KNOW SOMEONE WHO COULD BE YOUR SAVIOR. 336 00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:35,097 - GREAT. REALLY? 337 00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:36,830 - I'M PRETTY POPULAR RIGHT NOW, JAY. 338 00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,873 I'M ROLLING WITH SUPER-HOT LOCAVORE SLUTS 339 00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:41,097 AND DELICIOUS RAW-MILK CHEESES. 340 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,270 PEOPLE WANT TO HANG WITH LENCH. 341 00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:44,497 [phone vibrating] 342 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,070 - OH. 343 00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:47,267 DIGAME. 344 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,627 - YO. YOUR BOY LENCH SAYS HI. 345 00:12:49,633 --> 00:12:52,273 - OH, SPECTACULAR JACKASS, ISN'T HE? 346 00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:54,527 - FULL METAL DOUCHE BAG. 347 00:12:54,533 --> 00:12:56,733 BUT HE IS THROWING A PARTY TONIGHT. 348 00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:59,233 - OH. THAT'LL PROBABLY BE CHOCK FULL OF SLUTS. 349 00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:00,933 PERFECT. GAME ON. 350 00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:02,533 - COOL. I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO POP OUT IN THE MIDDLE 351 00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,703 AND BUY THE TICKETS. 352 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,600 - OH, OKAY. AAH! 353 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,800 OH. GREAT! 354 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,770 NOW I LOOK LIKE THE WORLD'S TALLEST BABY. 355 00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:16,367 * 356 00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:20,067 - THIS PLACE IS TEEMING WITH SUSTAINABLE HOS. 357 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,727 GOT TO HAND IT TO LENCH, THOUGH. 358 00:13:21,733 --> 00:13:23,073 IT'S KIND OF COOL. 359 00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,067 - THERE HE IS. 360 00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:27,427 - SO IS, UH, EVERYTHING DREADLOCKED? 361 00:13:27,433 --> 00:13:29,273 SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. 362 00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,297 LET ME BE SURPRISED. 363 00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,130 - UGH. WHAT UP? 364 00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:36,927 - OH, SHOOT. 365 00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:38,773 IT'S ALREADY 10:00. I SHOULD GO AND BUY THE TICKETS. 366 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,267 - WAIT, WAIT. LOOK. 367 00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:43,067 - WHAT? - CUTE DORKS. 368 00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:47,233 IT'S TIME TO HARVEST. 369 00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,403 HI. GREAT PARTY, RIGHT? 370 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,200 - AWESOME. I'M SPENCER. 371 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,470 - THUMBELINA. 372 00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,567 - I LIKE YOUR SHIRT. 373 00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,767 - I LIKE YOUR POTENTIALLY CLOUDED JUDGMENT. 374 00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,397 SO WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS PARTY? 375 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,070 - WE WORK HERE IN LEGAL. 376 00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:03,367 - JILL, WHAT DO YOU WANT? 377 00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:04,927 - LAWYERS. - YEAH. 378 00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:07,073 THEY'RE PROBABLY CLEAN AND WILL LEAVE EARLY. 379 00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:08,227 YOU TAKE JACOBY. I'LL TAKE MEYERS. 380 00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:10,173 - WHOA. WHAT ABOUT BRETT? - IF OUR RELATIONSHIP 381 00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:11,497 CAN'T WEATHER A MINOR INDISCRETION 382 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,070 WITH A HANDSOME DORK, THEN WHAT CHANCE DO WE HAVE? 383 00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:15,667 YOU KNOW, I HEAR THERE'S A SPOT HERE 384 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,627 WHERE YOU CAN CHURN YOUR OWN BUTTER. 385 00:14:17,633 --> 00:14:20,073 LET'S FIND IT. 386 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,267 - ARE YOU EXPECTING A CALL? 387 00:14:22,267 --> 00:14:23,597 - NO, THERE'S JUST SOMETHING 388 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,300 I SHOULD REALLY BE DOING RIGHT NOW. 389 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,900 GOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO. 390 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,400 - OH, THAT'S TOO BAD, 'CAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING 391 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,070 I WAS REALLY HOPING TO BE DOING TONIGHT, TOO. 392 00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,397 BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE. 393 00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,730 - MINE! - GOT IT. 394 00:14:37,733 --> 00:14:39,473 - YES! - MINE! UGH! 395 00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:42,497 - [grunts] - NO, DON'T DO IT! 396 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,670 - MATCH POINT! - WHERE IS YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW? 397 00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,067 - WHERE IS MY HEAD? THAT WAS ALL YOURS. 398 00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:48,397 - THAT WAS NOT MINE. - HEY, GAME POINT. 399 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,630 - YOUR SERVE. 400 00:14:49,633 --> 00:14:51,373 - LISTEN TO ME. WE ARE NOT LOSING 401 00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,067 TO "BEFORE" AND "AFTER." 402 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:54,827 - WHAT, WHAT! 403 00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,173 - COPY? - I COPY. 404 00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:57,467 - OKAY. - ALL RIGHT. 405 00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:58,767 LOCKED AND LOADED, BABY. 406 00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,097 WHITE LIGHTNING. - CHOCOLATE THUNDER. 407 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,070 - * I'M GONNA TEXT YOU * 408 00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,067 * SO I DON'T DO IT WHEN I'M HIGH * 409 00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,527 * I'M GONNA SEX YOU * 410 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,803 - [moaning] 411 00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:13,827 MM-MM. MM-MM. 412 00:15:13,833 --> 00:15:16,333 OKAY. 413 00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:19,303 I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU. 414 00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,400 I DON'T LET GUYS JUST STICK THEIR PENIS IN ME 415 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,770 ALL WILLIE-NILLIE. 416 00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:25,197 KNOW THAT. 417 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,300 - I'D NEVER STICK MY PENIS IN YOU ALL WILLIE-NILLIE. 418 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:36,233 OKAY, I RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. 419 00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:38,273 - OW! OW! IF YOU BITE ME ONE MORE TIME, 420 00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,797 I SWEAR I'M GONNA NUT-PUNCH YOU! 421 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,970 - FEEL MY SWORD. - YOUR SWORD? WHAT, IS IT SHARP? 422 00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:44,067 OH, MY GOD. DUDE, YOU SEEM OKAY. 423 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,467 I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOU PLAN ON SKINNING ME 424 00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:46,697 AND TURNING ME INTO A GIRL SUIT, 425 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:48,330 BUT EITHER WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO YOUR PLACE. 426 00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:49,903 - COME ON, IT'LL BE TOTALLY COOL. 427 00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,630 - LOOK, IT COULD BE FROZEN AND COVERED WITH SPRINKLES. 428 00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,073 IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 429 00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:54,067 I'VE KIND OF GOT THIS THING GOING 430 00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:55,397 WITH THIS POET/CHOCOLATIER. 431 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,470 I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT. 432 00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:57,567 BUT IF YOU WANT TO PAY FOR THE CAB, 433 00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:58,767 YOU CAN DO A LITTLE TAXI-TOUCHING. 434 00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:00,667 - COME ON. - DUDE, TAKE THE DEAL. 435 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,127 OTHERWISE, A HAND JOB IS A MAN'S JOB, 436 00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,303 AND YOU CAN GET OUT AT THE LIGHT AND MIME A VAGINA. 437 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,530 - [moaning] 438 00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:10,967 COULD--COULD... 439 00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,567 COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? 440 00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:16,327 COULD YOU STICK YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS? 441 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,230 - OKAY. 442 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,697 HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU? 443 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:29,500 - COULD YOU TRY YOUR THUMB? 444 00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:37,097 - GOD. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW HOW THE DAY'S GONNA END, DO YA? 445 00:16:45,867 --> 00:16:47,797 - WHOA! YOU OKAY, BOSS? 446 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,830 - NOT EMOTIONALLY. DO YOU SELL SPLINTS? 447 00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:53,873 - WHAT IS A SPLINTS? 448 00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:55,967 - MEYERS IS A FRICKIN' VAMPIRE. 449 00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,297 - WHOA. - HELLO, TINA. 450 00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,700 SEE, I'M BEING NICE TO YOU TODAY 451 00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,770 BECAUSE OF YOUR FESTERING NECK WOUND. 452 00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:02,227 - YEAH, WELL, "WHORE FRIEND OF JASON" 453 00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:03,403 IS ACTUALLY WAY MORE APPROPRIATE. 454 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,600 WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR THUMB? 455 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,900 - JACOBY'S ASS. 456 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,830 HER SPHINCTER HAD THE GRIP OF A MERCHANT MARINE. 457 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,533 THIS PERVY LAWYER JUST MADE JANE LOOK BETTER, 458 00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:12,533 BY THE WAY, SO THANK YOU, TINA. 459 00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:13,933 - WELL, BE PREPARED TO UP YOUR BUMMER LEVEL. 460 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,233 STACEY JUST CALLED ME. 461 00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:17,073 APPARENTLY THE CRAIGSLIST GUY SOLD THE TICKETS 462 00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,427 TO SOMEBODY ELSE. 463 00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:21,103 - OH, NO. THAT IS NOT GOOD. 464 00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:22,770 - NO. SHE IS PISSED. 465 00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:27,067 - WELL, I-I GOT TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT. 466 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,067 - SHINGLES. - NO. 467 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,067 COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS ONE. 468 00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,397 IT'S HOT. OH, I'M SO... 469 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,570 - AH! AH! STAGE 4 MELANOMA. 470 00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:36,297 both: YES! DREAM TEAM! 471 00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:38,200 - OKAY, NEXT. 472 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,770 [rock music playing in distance] 473 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,327 THAT IS, UM... 474 00:17:41,333 --> 00:17:42,903 THAT'S, UH... 475 00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:46,100 [clicks tongue] THAT'S--DAMN IT. 476 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:47,700 STAND BY. 477 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,327 OH, YEAH, YOU GOT TO SEE THIS. 478 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:56,103 COME ON. HE'S PULLING A CUSACK. 479 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:00,870 [car blasting music] 480 00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:02,167 - COME ON, MAN! 481 00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,067 [tires squealing] 482 00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:10,267 - YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY! - I CAN FIX IT! I HAVE A PLAN! 483 00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,797 - OH, YEAH, JAY, THAT'S REALLY YOU-- 484 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,170 THE MAN WITH THE PLAN. 485 00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,067 - NO, REALLY, I HAVE ONE. 486 00:18:15,067 --> 00:18:16,327 - YOU'RE GONNA FORGIVE HIM, RIGHT? 487 00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,603 - AH, IT'S JASON. JAY-- 488 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,600 - WHOA, WHOA. LET'S SEE HOW LONG HE STAYS OUT THERE. 489 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,330 [music continues playing] 490 00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,073 - [shouts indistinctly] - OH! 491 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,930 - I DON'T CARE IF I'M GETTING OLDER. 492 00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:33,773 MY MAN'S GONNA BE A DOCTOR AND GIVE ME FREE BOTOX. 493 00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:35,827 - I'M GONNA KEEP YOU YOUNG FOREVER, BABE. 494 00:18:35,833 --> 00:18:38,433 YOU'RE GONNA BE MY OWN LITTLE HEIDI MONTAG. 495 00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:41,567 - HEY. 496 00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,667 HOW'S YOUR THUMB? 497 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,567 - UH, SURPRISINGLY SORE. 498 00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:45,967 HOW IS YOUR NECK WOUND? 499 00:18:45,967 --> 00:18:47,527 - UH, ITCHY. - OOH. 500 00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:50,733 - WOW, JAY! THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT! 501 00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:52,833 NICE COMEBACK. 502 00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:56,073 OOH! HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON THESE DUMPLINGS? 503 00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:57,627 - UH, ALMOST ALL OF IT. 504 00:18:57,633 --> 00:18:59,773 - OH. 505 00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:04,197 - A CROCK-POT? ERIC, HOW DID YOU KNOW? 506 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,730 - OH, I KNEW. 507 00:19:06,733 --> 00:19:08,903 - OH, THOSE TWO ARE SO IN LOVE-- 508 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,930 VERY BORING, SLOW-COOKED, BUT VERY TENDER LOVE. 509 00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:14,733 - SPEAKING OF LOVE, WHERE'S BRETT? 510 00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:16,573 WAS IT THE MINOR DORK INDISCRETION? 511 00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,467 - NO, I FOUND A COLDPLAY CD. 512 00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:22,067 - YEAH, THAT'S THAT. - YEAH. 513 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:23,627 - OH, IN ALL MY EXCITEMENT, 514 00:19:23,633 --> 00:19:25,233 I, UH--I FORGOT TO BUY STACEY A PRESENT. 515 00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:27,203 - OH, AND YET SHE'S STILL GETTING A GIFT 516 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,630 FROM THE BOTH OF US. 517 00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:30,133 I PUT YOUR NAME ON THE CARD. 518 00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,673 IT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE YOU OWE ME FOR. 519 00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:34,397 - WAIT. WHAT WAS THE FIRST ONE? 520 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,300 - I FIGURED YOU COULD USE A FRESH PAIR. 521 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,930 HAVE FUN GETTING THEM DIRTY. 522 00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,373 - THANK YOU, TINA. 523 00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,827 - TINA... - UGH. 524 00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,173 HERE. 525 00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:45,597 HEY, LOOK. 526 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,300 LOOK. I KNOW, RIGHT? 527 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,300 I WAS LIKE, "WHERE IS YOUR EAR?" 528 00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,670 YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME. 529 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,967 - * I WON'T FIGHT * 530 00:19:55,967 --> 00:20:00,367 * I WILL NOT CONQUER 531 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:05,097 * I WON'T TRY TO IMPRESS YOUR MOTHER * 532 00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:11,070 * I WILL NOT DINE OUT LATE WITH FATHER * 533 00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,627 * WE WON'T SIP WINE... * 534 00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:15,003 - OH, SWEET JESUS. 535 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,500 THAT GIRL REALLY GOT TO YOU, HUH? 536 00:20:18,867 --> 00:20:20,327 - NO. 537 00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:23,673 I JUST WANT MY PANTS BACK. NO, THAT'S ALL I WANT. 538 00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,527 - I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA PICK THAT UP AFTER EVERYBODY LEAVES. 539 00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:27,333 - AND WHAT, DO SOME C.S.I. CRAP? 540 00:20:27,333 --> 00:20:29,333 - WAKE UP, EVERYBODY! 541 00:20:31,633 --> 00:20:32,773 - IT'S A TOTAL HAIL MARY, 542 00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:34,227 BUT I COULD POST ON MISSSED CONNECTIONS. 543 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,933 - I'M KENT. I INTERN HERE. - HI, INTERN KENT. 544 00:20:36,933 --> 00:20:39,003 - JANE RESPONDED TO MY CRAIGSLIST AD. 545 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,670 - I ALSO HAVE SOME NEWS. I DE-VIRGINIZED AN INTERN. 546 00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:44,567 - I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU JUST MANAGED TO STEAL MY THUNDER, 547 00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:45,497 BUT YOU DID. 39008

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