Original subtitles

[television playing, phone ringing]

[phone beeps]

- HEY.

I'M--NO, I'M NOT TOUCHING IT.

I DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE WHILE I MASTURBATE...

UNLESS I'M AT WORK.

A DRINK NOW?

NO.

NO, I CAN'T.

I CAN'T BE LATE FOR WORK TOMORROW.

*

- HERE. TO FREEDOM!

- THANKS, TEEN.

[coughs]

THAT TASTED LIKE PAINT THINNER AND ASS.

- MINE WAS LIKE INTERCOURSE AND TEARS.

- OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT SEX TASTES LIKE.

- LIKE CHICKEN. WAIT. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

- SIX WEEKS. - WOW.

SIX WHOLE WEEKS-- YOU'RE LIKE A BORN-AGAIN VIRGIN.

LOOK, JASON, IT'S JUST A BAD STREAK.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A STREAKER.

REMEMBER SENIOR YEAR?

IN ONE WEEKEND, YOU HOOKED UP WITH THAT A.E.PHI PLEDGE,

THE GERMAN GIRL WITH THE THING ON HER THING,

AND DR. PHIL.

- WHO? - THE LADY HITLER,

THE CHICK WITH THE LITTLE MOUSTACHE.

- DEBBIE LEE. RIGHT.

NO, I MEAN, THAT WAS A GOOD WEEK FOR ME,

BUT BEING A STREAKER ISN'T WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

SERIOUSLY, TINA, THIS COULD BE BAD.

- GOT ANY WEED?

- I'M JUST SAYING, IT'S LIKE,

THIS LITTLE DRY SPELL

COULD EASILY TURN INTO THE DROUGHT OF THE DECADE.

I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING'S OFF.

I FEEL, LIKE, A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP MAKING STAR WARS REFERENCES.

HERE, I'M HIGH.

- YEAH, I'M HIGH TOO.

LIKE I COULD EAT A WHEEL OF CHEESE HIGH.

- AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR "I NEED TO CHECK MY TESTICLES

FOR LUMPS" HIGH AGAIN.

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE?

BEING IN HERE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO POOP.

- EW.

[rock music playing]

[patrons chattering indistinctly]

- IT'S BRETT.

I MIGHT GO LET HIM GIVE ME A FOOT MASSAGE.

BY "FOOT MASSAGE," I MEAN SEX.

JUST TALK TO THAT GIRL. GO BE FUNNY.

FUNNY TO GIRLS IS LIKE BOOBS TO BOYS.

[sniffs] SMELL YA LATER.

- SMELL YOU.

HI. I'M JASON,

THE GUY WHO'S BEEN STARING AT YOU.

- YEAH, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO USE MY MACE.

- THAT WOULD'VE BEEN SO EMBARRASSING.

I MEAN, IT'S ALL ABOUT TASERS NOW.

MACE IS SO OVER.

IT'S LIKE TOE RINGS

OR THE LINDSAY LOHAN LEGGING COLLECTION.

- OR GLACIERS OR MARINE LIFE IN THE GULF.

- WHOA. YOU JUST GOT A LITTLE DARK THERE.

- "I'M A LONER, DOTTIE. A REBEL."

- PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S, LIKE, THE BEST MOVIE STARRING A SEX OFFENDER EVER.

- MM. SO WHAT DO YOU DO

WHEN YOU'RE NOT OUT BEING A BAR HERO?

- UH, YEAH... I DRIVE NASCAR, ACTUALLY--

- OH. - DAYTONA, TALLADEGA...

- OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU DANICA PATRICK?

- YES. NO, BUT SAME CHEEKBONES.

- SAME BOOBS, TOO.

- YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY.

- SO ARE YOU.

SHALL WE CONTINUE BEING FUNNY OVER ANOTHER DRINK?

- INDEED WE SHALL.

- HELP ME TAKE MY SHIRT OFF,

AND I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR PANTS.

- DEAL.

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS TOO PERFECT.

WHAT IF YOU'RE SCAMMING ME

SO YOU CAN STEAL MY DISCOVER CARD

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

I MEAN, WHAT IF YOU'RE REALLY, LIKE, A SEXY TRANSSEXUAL

AND LATER I DISCOVER, OOPS, YOU HAVE A PENIS?

I MEAN, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN A SECRET FEAR OF MINE.

- I'M ALL GIRL, AND NO ONE TAKES DISCOVER.

YOU'RE SAFE.

- YOU KNOW, I DO HAVE A BED.

- LET'S DO IT IN YOUR FRIDGE!

COME ON!

HURRY. IT KIND OF SMELLS IN HERE.

- WHAT A FANTASTIC EMAIL THIS IS GONNA MAKE TOMORROW.

- SO DO YOU THINK I'M A SLUT?

- ONLY IN THE BEST, MOST POSITIVE WAY.

LISTEN, I HAD, LIKE, A REALLY GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT,

BUT I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I LIED. I DON'T ACTUALLY DRIVE STOCK CARS.

- [gasps] I LIED, TOO. I'M NOT REALLY A WOMAN.

- TECHNICALLY YOU ARE. - [laughs]

- I DIDN'T SEE ANY BOY PARTS,

AND I DOUBLE-CHECKED.

- I'D MAKE BREAKFAST, BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE.

- [laughs] WE COULD GO GET SOME COFFEE.

- WHOA, IT'S 9:00? I'M SO LATE.

IS IT OKAY IF I BORROW THESE? - UH, YEAH.

- I HATE WHEN MY DOORMAN SEES ME IN THE SAME CLOTHES

FROM THE DAY BEFORE.

- IT HAPPENS A LOT, HUH? - HA HA.

- HEY, COULD I-- COULD I GET YOUR NUMBER?

OR SHOULD I JUST STALK YOU?

ACTUALLY, I'M KIND OF LAZY.

I THINK MAYBE A NUMBER MIGHT WORK BETTER.

- OKAY.

SEE YOU AROUND.

- DEFINITELY.

YES! OHH!

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU, BOSS?

- I FEEL LIKE A THOUSAND DOLLARS...

WHICH IS 900 MORE THAN I HAVE IN MY CHECKING ACCOUNT.

BUT WHATEVER. I FEEL GREAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- NEW SECURITY.

NO ONE WILL BE ROBBED, RAPED, OR MURDERED IN THIS STORE...

NOT AGAIN.

- THAT'S A GOOD SLOGAN, MAN. YOU SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE DOOR.

- YEAH.

- HEY, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?

- WELL, BACK HOME I WORKED AT A VIDEO BUSINESS.

HAD A BEAUTIFUL, BIG-BREASTED GIRLFRIEND THERE, MAN.

IT'S HARD FOR A MAN TO BE ALONE, JASON.

- WELL, HERE WE SAY, "NO MAN IS AN ISLAND."

- OH, IN MY COUNTRY IT'S... [speaking native language]

"UGLY GIRL BLAMES MIRROR."

- YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME THING.

- YES, IT IS.

- I NEED AN EGG SANDWICH, AND I NEED IT NOW.

- OOH, YOU NEED ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP

AND A BARBECUE BRUSH.

- YOU NEED A PREGNANCY TEST.

- DON'T TOY WITH ME. I'M FRAGILE.

- OKAY, WHORE FRIEND OF JASON.

- HE NEVER REMEMBERS MY NAME.

- SO YOU HAD FUN LAST NIGHT WITH BRETT, HUH?

- YEAH. LET'S JUST SAY I INTRODUCED HIM TO GOD.

YOU? WHAT HAPPENED?

- IT HAPPENED. THE DRY SPELL IS OVER!

- GREAT!

- I HAD SEX WITH THAT GIRL LAST NIGHT

IN MY [bleep] REFRIGERATOR!

- YAY! CONGRATS. YOU'RE BACK, MAN.

- I AM. I'M BACK!

GOD, I FEEL STRONGER AND MORE CONFIDENT,

LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS IN THE HAIR TRANSPLANT COMMERCIALS.

NO, YOU'D REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL, TEEN.

I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL.

SHE'S CUTE, AND SHE'S FUNNY,

AND SHE'S SURPRISINGLY FILTHY.

- THESE ARE A FEW OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS.

- YEAH, BUT SHE'S, LIKE, PRETTY PERFECT.

AND I PLAYED IT TOTALLY COOL.

I WAS LIKE THIS YOUNG JAMES VAN DER BEEK.

- ER! UH, THAT'S YOUR GOLD STANDARD?

- YEAH. - WELL, WAY TO GO, DAWSON.

WAIT. I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

I WAS GOING THROUGH BRETT'S WALLET THIS MORNING--

- WHOA. WAIT. YOU WERE FISHING THROUGH HIS WALLET?

- WOULD YOU EVER CARRY WITH YOU

A FROZEN YOGURT FREQUENT EATER'S CARD?

- I GOT TO GET TO WORK, PSYCHO.

- WELL, THERE'S NINE PUNCHES ON IT!

- NINE PUNCHES? GAY.

- [sighs] WAIT. LET ME GUESS--

DENTIST APPOINTMENT.

- SORRY. I'M LATE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I HAVE SLEEP APNEA.

WebMD SAYS I'M, LIKE, A PRIME CANDIDATE.

- OH, NO PROBLEM.

I'M JUST GONNA START DOCKING YOUR PAY WHEN YOU'RE LATE.

- REALLY?

- YEAH, REALLY. IT'S NOT A DEMOCRACY, JAY.

I AM PHARAOH. YOU ARE JEW.

NOW, GO DO YOUR JOB AND BUILD ME A PYRAMID.

EVERYBODY'S WAITING ON YOU.

- YOU KNOW, JB, I ACTUALLY AM JEWISH.

- OH, GREAT. HAPPY HANUKAH.

ALSO, THE TOILET'S CLOGGED,

SO GO PART THE BROWN SEA, MOSES.

CLEAN IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT,

LIKE YOU KNOW WE'RE IN A RECESSION

AND I GET EMAILED A LOT OF QUALIFIED RESUMES.

BY THE WAY, THIS GUY'S TOO TALL.

THIS ONE'S JUST RIGHT.

[camera beeps]

- OKAY, UH, YOU'LL BE PLAYING,

UM, A PIECE OF FRUIT.

DOESN'T SAY WHAT KIND, BUT THEY WANT TO SEE YOU DANCE.

- HOW THE [bleep] DOES FRUIT DANCE?

- HAPPY?

HI, JANEY. IT'S JASON.

UGH.

HOLA, JANEY. COMO ESTAS?

JESUS.

VAN DER BEEK, VAN DER BEEK, VAN DER BEEK...

[line ringing]

[phone ringing]

- [speaking native language] MAY I HELP YOU?

- HI. UH, IS-- IS JANE THERE?

- THIS IS PATAKAN THAI.

- UM, IS THIS 555-0114?

- THIS IS THAI RESTAURANT, OKAY?

[phone clicks]

- [softly] CRAP.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

- [speaking native language] MAY I HELP YOU?

- UH, YEAH.

UM, COULD I HAVE AN ORDER TO BE DELIVERED?

[pop music playing, phone vibrating]

[phone beeps]

- MOSHI-MOSHI.

- FRIDGE GIRL STOLE MY PANTS.

- HERE, EVERYONE, MEET MY NEW GIRLFRIEND.

- YOU'VE INTRODUCED US TO WORSE. - HOW ARE YOU DOING, JAY?

DO YOU HAVE POST-PANTS DEPRESSION?

- NO, BUT...

I REALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS INTO ME.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD SHE BORROW MY PANTS

IF SHE WAS JUST GONNA BLOW ME OFF?

- PEOPLE TAKE SEX TROPHIES, JAY.

I MEAN, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

- IT'S TRUE.

MOST OF MY DISH RAGS ARE FROM PREVIOUS LOVERS.

- I STILL HAVE MY JUNIOR-HIGH BOYFRIEND'S RETAINER.

- EW. - WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

AT LEAST MY CAREER IS OFF TO AN EXCELLENT START.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN A REAL BANNER DAY.

- WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED SCOTT YET, JAY?

I MEAN, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE GONNA CALL,

LIKE, THREE MONTHS AGO.

- WAIT. YOU WANT HIM TO TAKE CAREER ADVICE

FROM SCOTT LENCHNER, THE GUY WHO ASKED ME

TO ROLE-PLAY SCHOOL BUS DRIVER/ SEXY SLOW GIRL?

- YEAH, WELL, LENCH WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY.

- YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA CALL HIM THIS WEEK, STACE.

- GOOD. - OR YOU'LL SEE HIM

AT STACEY'S BIG BIRTHDAY BASH...

IF WE EVER DECIDE WHAT WE'RE DOING.

- LOOK, IT'S MY FIRST BIRTHDAY IN NEW YORK,

AND I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING FUN.

YOU KNOW, WITH US BOTH IN GRAD SCHOOL,

WE BARELY GO OUT ANYMORE.

- YEAH. YOU REMEMBER BACK IN THE DORM

WHEN SLOPPY STACEY USED TO BE SO PUNK ROCK?

- [laughs] - I WAS NOT SLOPPY.

I JUST HAD LOW TOLERANCE BECAUSE I WASN'T EATING MUCH THEN.

BUT SPEAKING OF ROCK,

I DECIDED WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

THE BAND WAVES IS HOLDING A SUPER-SECRET SHOW,

AND I THINK WE SHOULD ALL GO,

GET DRUNK, AND DANCE.

- COOL. YOU, UH--YOU LIKE WAVES?

- YEAH. WHY?

- THEY'RE HIP. THEY'RE NEW. THEY'RE LOUD.

- OH, SCREW YOU GUYS. I KNOW COOL BANDS.

ANYWAY, THE SHOW IS SOLD OUT,

BUT I FOUND THIS GUY ON CRAIGSLIST

THAT STILL HAS TICKETS.

JAY, CAN YOU DO ME A HUGE FAVOR

AND GO MEET HIM OUTSIDE MUSIC HALL TOMORROW AT 10:00?

WE'VE GOT THE TENNIS CHAMPIONSHIP.

- YEAH, WE'RE BRINGING HOME THE GOLD, BITCHES.

WHAT! BOOM!

- YEAH, SURE. I CAN DO THAT.

- CAN YOU SEE IF YOU CAN GET ONE FOR BRETT, TOO?

- I THOUGHT YOU ONLY SLEPT WITH THAT GUY

'CAUSE HE'S GOT AIR CONDITIONING.

- YEAH, BUT NOW I LIKE HIM.

PLUS, IT'S BEEN REALLY MUGGY LATELY.

- WELL, I'LL BE GOING SOLO AND PANTS-LESS.

MAYBE IT'LL BE A GOOD LOOK FOR ME.

- JUST GET OVER THE PANTS GIRL, JAY.

- YEAH, LOOK, IT'S TIME TO REEVALUATE,

TIME TO HEAL.

- YEAH, EXACTLY. SO WE'LL ALL GO OUT THIS WEEK

AND HELP YOU FIND A NEW GIRL,

SOMEONE WHO THINKS THAT IRONY

IS SOMETHING THAT TASTES LIKE METAL--

YOU KNOW, A SIMPLE GIRL THAT YOU CAN CONFUSE

INTO BANGING YOU.

- YOU ARE A SPECIAL, SPECIAL FRIEND.

- START YOUR BONER, JAY. IT'S ON.

- [speaks indistinctly]

HANG ON, HANG ON. UH, SPARE SOME CHANGE, SIR?

- DUDE, WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE.

[chickens clucking]

HEY, LENCH.

- JAY-BONE, ALL RIGHT!

- HEY, THANKS FOR MEETING ME. - NO WORRIES. NO WORRIES.

BUT I GOT TO BE QUICK.

I HAVE TO START SETTING UP.

- FOR WHAT? - SERIOUSLY?

YOU NEED TO START FOLLOWING MY TWEETS.

WE'RE THROWING A BANGER TONIGHT IN HONOR OF OUR FIRST ISSUE.

HOLD ON. BOOM.

E-VITED.

- SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU GUYS DO HERE, BY THE WAY?

- WE'RE LAUNCHING A MAGAZINE

THAT FOCUSES ON ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY...

- WOW. - AND HOT CHICKS.

CALLING IT ALL NATURALS.

THINK MODELS WITH '70s-ERA BUSH

IN HEMP BIKINIS, TEACHING YOU HOW TO COMPOST.

- YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LOVED THE PLANET.

- SURE. IT'S A [bleep] GOLD MINE.

BUT YOU, YOU NEED SOME CAREER ADVICE?

- YEAH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING,

BUT RIGHT NOW I'M, LIKE, A RECEPTIONIST.

- WHOA. - YEAH. IT'S NOT CANCER,

BUT IT'S JUST A B.S. JOB TILL I FIGURE OUT, LIKE,

WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

LATELY I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MUSIC JOURNALISM.

I DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

I JUST CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE

DOING SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE

JUST TO GET LITTLE GREEN BITS OF PAPER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- FULLY. BUT YOU RAN OUT THE CLOCK THERE, JAY-BONE.

I GOT TO BOUNCE. LOOK, LET ME THINK ON IT.

MAYBE I KNOW SOMEONE WHO COULD BE YOUR SAVIOR.

- GREAT. REALLY?

- I'M PRETTY POPULAR RIGHT NOW, JAY.

I'M ROLLING WITH SUPER-HOT LOCAVORE SLUTS

AND DELICIOUS RAW-MILK CHEESES.

PEOPLE WANT TO HANG WITH LENCH.

[phone vibrating]

- OH.

DIGAME.

- YO. YOUR BOY LENCH SAYS HI.

- OH, SPECTACULAR JACKASS, ISN'T HE?

- FULL METAL DOUCHE BAG.

BUT HE IS THROWING A PARTY TONIGHT.

- OH. THAT'LL PROBABLY BE CHOCK FULL OF SLUTS.

PERFECT. GAME ON.

- COOL. I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO POP OUT IN THE MIDDLE

AND BUY THE TICKETS.

- OH, OKAY. AAH!

OH. GREAT!

NOW I LOOK LIKE THE WORLD'S TALLEST BABY.

*

- THIS PLACE IS TEEMING WITH SUSTAINABLE HOS.

GOT TO HAND IT TO LENCH, THOUGH.

IT'S KIND OF COOL.

- THERE HE IS.

- SO IS, UH, EVERYTHING DREADLOCKED?

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

LET ME BE SURPRISED.

- UGH. WHAT UP?

- OH, SHOOT.

IT'S ALREADY 10:00. I SHOULD GO AND BUY THE TICKETS.

- WAIT, WAIT. LOOK.

- WHAT? - CUTE DORKS.

IT'S TIME TO HARVEST.

HI. GREAT PARTY, RIGHT?

- AWESOME. I'M SPENCER.

- THUMBELINA.

- I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.

- I LIKE YOUR POTENTIALLY CLOUDED JUDGMENT.

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS PARTY?

- WE WORK HERE IN LEGAL.

- JILL, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- LAWYERS. - YEAH.

THEY'RE PROBABLY CLEAN AND WILL LEAVE EARLY.

YOU TAKE JACOBY. I'LL TAKE MEYERS.

- WHOA. WHAT ABOUT BRETT? - IF OUR RELATIONSHIP

CAN'T WEATHER A MINOR INDISCRETION

WITH A HANDSOME DORK, THEN WHAT CHANCE DO WE HAVE?

YOU KNOW, I HEAR THERE'S A SPOT HERE

WHERE YOU CAN CHURN YOUR OWN BUTTER.

LET'S FIND IT.

- ARE YOU EXPECTING A CALL?

- NO, THERE'S JUST SOMETHING

I SHOULD REALLY BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

GOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

- OH, THAT'S TOO BAD, 'CAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING

I WAS REALLY HOPING TO BE DOING TONIGHT, TOO.

BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE.

- MINE! - GOT IT.

- YES! - MINE! UGH!

- [grunts] - NO, DON'T DO IT!

- MATCH POINT! - WHERE IS YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW?

- WHERE IS MY HEAD? THAT WAS ALL YOURS.

- THAT WAS NOT MINE. - HEY, GAME POINT.

- YOUR SERVE.

- LISTEN TO ME. WE ARE NOT LOSING

TO "BEFORE" AND "AFTER."

- WHAT, WHAT!

- COPY? - I COPY.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

LOCKED AND LOADED, BABY.

WHITE LIGHTNING. - CHOCOLATE THUNDER.

- * I'M GONNA TEXT YOU *

* SO I DON'T DO IT WHEN I'M HIGH *

* I'M GONNA SEX YOU *

- [moaning]

MM-MM. MM-MM.

OKAY.

I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

I DON'T LET GUYS JUST STICK THEIR PENIS IN ME

ALL WILLIE-NILLIE.

KNOW THAT.

- I'D NEVER STICK MY PENIS IN YOU ALL WILLIE-NILLIE.

OKAY, I RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.

- OW! OW! IF YOU BITE ME ONE MORE TIME,

I SWEAR I'M GONNA NUT-PUNCH YOU!

- FEEL MY SWORD. - YOUR SWORD? WHAT, IS IT SHARP?

OH, MY GOD. DUDE, YOU SEEM OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOU PLAN ON SKINNING ME

AND TURNING ME INTO A GIRL SUIT,

BUT EITHER WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO YOUR PLACE.

- COME ON, IT'LL BE TOTALLY COOL.

- LOOK, IT COULD BE FROZEN AND COVERED WITH SPRINKLES.

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I'VE KIND OF GOT THIS THING GOING

WITH THIS POET/CHOCOLATIER.

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO PAY FOR THE CAB,

YOU CAN DO A LITTLE TAXI-TOUCHING.

- COME ON. - DUDE, TAKE THE DEAL.

OTHERWISE, A HAND JOB IS A MAN'S JOB,

AND YOU CAN GET OUT AT THE LIGHT AND MIME A VAGINA.

- [moaning]

COULD--COULD...

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

COULD YOU STICK YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS?

- OKAY.

HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU?

- COULD YOU TRY YOUR THUMB?

- GOD. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW HOW THE DAY'S GONNA END, DO YA?

- WHOA! YOU OKAY, BOSS?

- NOT EMOTIONALLY. DO YOU SELL SPLINTS?

- WHAT IS A SPLINTS?

- MEYERS IS A FRICKIN' VAMPIRE.

- WHOA. - HELLO, TINA.

SEE, I'M BEING NICE TO YOU TODAY

BECAUSE OF YOUR FESTERING NECK WOUND.

- YEAH, WELL, "WHORE FRIEND OF JASON"

IS ACTUALLY WAY MORE APPROPRIATE.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR THUMB?

- JACOBY'S ASS.

HER SPHINCTER HAD THE GRIP OF A MERCHANT MARINE.

THIS PERVY LAWYER JUST MADE JANE LOOK BETTER,

BY THE WAY, SO THANK YOU, TINA.

- WELL, BE PREPARED TO UP YOUR BUMMER LEVEL.

STACEY JUST CALLED ME.

APPARENTLY THE CRAIGSLIST GUY SOLD THE TICKETS

TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

- OH, NO. THAT IS NOT GOOD.

- NO. SHE IS PISSED.

- WELL, I-I GOT TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

- SHINGLES. - NO.

COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS ONE.

IT'S HOT. OH, I'M SO...

- AH! AH! STAGE 4 MELANOMA.

both: YES! DREAM TEAM!

- OKAY, NEXT.

[rock music playing in distance]

THAT IS, UM...

THAT'S, UH...

[clicks tongue] THAT'S--DAMN IT.

STAND BY.

OH, YEAH, YOU GOT TO SEE THIS.

COME ON. HE'S PULLING A CUSACK.

[car blasting music]

- COME ON, MAN!

[tires squealing]

- YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY! - I CAN FIX IT! I HAVE A PLAN!

- OH, YEAH, JAY, THAT'S REALLY YOU--

THE MAN WITH THE PLAN.

- NO, REALLY, I HAVE ONE.

- YOU'RE GONNA FORGIVE HIM, RIGHT?

- AH, IT'S JASON. JAY--

- WHOA, WHOA. LET'S SEE HOW LONG HE STAYS OUT THERE.

[music continues playing]

- [shouts indistinctly] - OH!

- I DON'T CARE IF I'M GETTING OLDER.

MY MAN'S GONNA BE A DOCTOR AND GIVE ME FREE BOTOX.

- I'M GONNA KEEP YOU YOUNG FOREVER, BABE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE MY OWN LITTLE HEIDI MONTAG.

- HEY.

HOW'S YOUR THUMB?

- UH, SURPRISINGLY SORE.

HOW IS YOUR NECK WOUND?

- UH, ITCHY. - OOH.

- WOW, JAY! THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT!

NICE COMEBACK.

OOH! HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON THESE DUMPLINGS?

- UH, ALMOST ALL OF IT.

- OH.

- A CROCK-POT? ERIC, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- OH, I KNEW.

- OH, THOSE TWO ARE SO IN LOVE--

VERY BORING, SLOW-COOKED, BUT VERY TENDER LOVE.

- SPEAKING OF LOVE, WHERE'S BRETT?

WAS IT THE MINOR DORK INDISCRETION?

- NO, I FOUND A COLDPLAY CD.

- YEAH, THAT'S THAT. - YEAH.

- OH, IN ALL MY EXCITEMENT,

I, UH--I FORGOT TO BUY STACEY A PRESENT.

- OH, AND YET SHE'S STILL GETTING A GIFT

FROM THE BOTH OF US.

I PUT YOUR NAME ON THE CARD.

IT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE YOU OWE ME FOR.

- WAIT. WHAT WAS THE FIRST ONE?

- I FIGURED YOU COULD USE A FRESH PAIR.

HAVE FUN GETTING THEM DIRTY.

- THANK YOU, TINA.

- TINA... - UGH.

HERE.

HEY, LOOK.

LOOK. I KNOW, RIGHT?

I WAS LIKE, "WHERE IS YOUR EAR?"

YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.

- * I WON'T FIGHT *

* I WILL NOT CONQUER

* I WON'T TRY TO IMPRESS YOUR MOTHER *

* I WILL NOT DINE OUT LATE WITH FATHER *

* WE WON'T SIP WINE... *

- OH, SWEET JESUS.

THAT GIRL REALLY GOT TO YOU, HUH?

- NO.

I JUST WANT MY PANTS BACK. NO, THAT'S ALL I WANT.

- I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA PICK THAT UP AFTER EVERYBODY LEAVES.

- AND WHAT, DO SOME C.S.I. CRAP?

- WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!

- IT'S A TOTAL HAIL MARY,

BUT I COULD POST ON MISSSED CONNECTIONS.

- I'M KENT. I INTERN HERE. - HI, INTERN KENT.

- JANE RESPONDED TO MY CRAIGSLIST AD.

- I ALSO HAVE SOME NEWS. I DE-VIRGINIZED AN INTERN.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU JUST MANAGED TO STEAL MY THUNDER,

BUT YOU DID.