Original subtitles

Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late.

Bitch, bitch teacher.

-What time is it? -[Naomi] 9:17

-[Cob] Twenty past. -[Naomi] Cob was just asking

why we're not saying

it's from a specific time

in the past, before you guys got together.

Well, we could.

[Naomi] We could. It's not my advice, but...

Well, happily, it's not your decision.

No, it's not, Cob. But the point is,

what we don't want is a bunch of people

who are able to date it through, I dunno--

What, carbon penis dating?

Why wouldn't they have done that already?

It's just that she doesn't look 10 years younger.

No offence. And if we date it specifically

it might drag you into it.

Oh, th--that's what drags me into it?

Oh, OK, fine. Right. Cool, yeah.

I, I thought we agreed, we're not gonna get into

the who or the when of these photos?

Uh, it's pretty fucking obvious, no?

Why don't we just say...

ex-boyfriend from a long time ago?

[Naomi] No, you're not gonna name names.

'Cause you're above that.

-[Cob snorts] -OK, but would,

would that be better for Disney?

If it was from a long time ago.

I mean, have you even spoken to them yet?

No, they're being weirdly quiet, for Americans.

Hey, hey. You are not losing that job.

Point is, we should all be fine with seeing

someone with a cock in their hand.

We're not children.

But there are children in the world.

Who watch movies.

Yeah, also, we have one of them.

Yeah, partly because of her having your cock

in her hand at some point.

There is no shame to be had

in a woman doing a sex act!

Well, there is in this case.

Yeah, if it's not her husband's.

If it's a fucking over-rated trash-peddler

who thinks he's Steve McQueen. Not that one.

Ugh. So worried I'm gonna get this wrong.

You know? I can't not be authentic.

You know? Even if I try, I'll end up being authentic.

I can't not be authentic.

You're an actress!

Well, yeah, but come on. Like,

if she asks me how I feel

about the pictures being out there,

the answer isn't "fine," is it?

No, of course the answer's not "fine,"

'cause you're disappointed.

You shouldn't be ashamed.

Is what's important.

You should just be honest.

But I am ashamed.

Why? You've got no reason to be ashamed.

-Mmm she kinda does. -I kind of do.

Yeah, but they don't know that,

we're not presenting it as that,

-is what I'm saying. -OK, so don't say it's that.

That it's Carter.

[Cob and Naomi] No!

Don't be honest about that, obviously!

Be honest about how you would feel

if everything we were saying was true.

Oh my god, can we please just say that it's old?

[Naomi] OK, fine, but be vague.

OK, so just, just j--

-[phone vibrates] -[Suzie stammers]

General penis from a long time ago.

-Oh, fucksake. -Yes.

It's from a long time ago.

Don't be specific about when,

and don't be specific about who.

OK, but I can't be specific about

any of those things, because they're

-both entirely made up. OK. -OK?

-Then we're ready. -OK.

[Naomi clears throat]

Hey, Bari!

[Bari] Uh, hiya! Uh, I've got

Athena from the Observer on the line.

Great. Can you hear me OK?

[Bari] Yeah, yeah, totally. It's fine.

[Suzie clears throat] So, uh, put her through.

[Athena] Hello?

Hi, it's Suzie.

[Athena] Oh, hi.

Hi! [chuckles]

Um, I'm a, I'm a big, uh, fan of your political column

every week, by the way. I mean, I'm obsessed.

[Athena] Oh, uh, thank you!

Yeah, I mean, I can quote long stretches of it.

[Athena] Oh, wow, that's nice.

Well, the first thing I do wanna say, though,

is I am really sorry about what's happened to you.

Thank you.

[Athena] And I'm really grateful

you're speaking with me.

I, I could not be more furious.

Well... [laughs] Me too.

Hashtag.

Um, so, wait, uh... [laughs]

Uh, so, I'm sorry, uh, furious with me?

[Athena] No, no! Hang on.

Let's do some basics, Suzie.

So, when did you see the picture?

[coughs] Um... well, I'm not one of those,

you know, I like to stay away from all of that.

-So, it wasn't... -[Athena] Yeah.

It, it wasn't until, um, I got a text

from Naomi, my manager,

um, and she said, you know, we should have a chat,

and then she described it to me, and obviously I sat down with my family.

And, you know, that's when I knew, um, what it was,

and that was that.

[Athena] Yeah, sure. And how, and how did you f--feel

when you saw that they'd leaked?

Well, I was shocked. You know, obviously.

-Because, you know, the... -[Athena] Yeah.

...picture's from a very long time ago.

[Athena] Oh, really? I think, I think everyone assumes

that they would have been recent images.

No, they, I mean, they deliberately-- they can do that.

No, they're from a long time ago, and, you know,

it's something I feel is very private. You know?

But it, it shouldn't have to be. Should it?

[Athena] Uh, can you talk more about that?

Yeah. I mean, you know, I should be able to look at the pictures and go,

oh, hey, there's me with a cock in my hand.

And my son should be able to look at those pictures and go,

oh, hey, there's Mum with a cock in her hand. You know?

[Athena laughs] Yes. I mean, uh, is, is that what you actually think?

No, it's not what I actually-- of course not.

The--but I should be able to think that.

When in reality, of course, I'm just like everybody else.

I'm looking at those pictures and going, you know,

what an absolute slut.

I'm being ironic, Athena!

[Athena] OK.

[Suzie groans]

[Suzie] I'm an absolute slut.

Can you send me all the contracts related to the Disney job as soon as?

And also anyone else we know who's worked with us, so I can compare the wording.

Thanks. Cob?

Cob!

I can't hear you sarcastically clapping, 'cause you're in a car?

[Cob slow-claps]

[Naomi] Thank you. Now, I need to get to Disney

before that interview does.

Can you give me a lift to the station?

I can.

Will you?

I will.

[Suzie] I'm an absolute slut.

[man moans]

You know, so is it just me,

or does she dress like she's from the past?

[Suzie giggles]

[man] Oh, what a slut you are .

[Suzie] What an absolute slut.

[school bell rings]

[teacher] Mrs. Pickles, can I have a word?

I wonder if he's curious. Which is normal.

Um, sorry, uh, yeah, I, I mean, I just,

I think it's more likely that he doesn't know if someone's in the toilet.

I mean, why aren't people locking doors?

The impression I'm getting is that it's a rather deliberate attempt to... see things.

And if there is new behavior that might be related

to something that's going on at home,

it's important we're open and transparent about that.

Is there anything going on at home?

Is this about me not doing the school fete opening?

No! It's about Frank bursting in on people on the toilet.

And also... did you get the letter about appropriate dress for drop off?

I did, yeah.

I did, and I used it to wipe my arse,

because I'm a terrible mother and a massive slut.

Have a great day. See you, sweetheart.

Now, so is it just me, or does she dress like she's from the past?

[Suzie giggles]

Come on. Let me give you a ride home.

I'm so lazy. I should walk.

Please don't.

Mmm. Oh, god, I need to get sucked.

Oh, yeah!

[Bruce] Oh, I'm so grateful. Oh.

Suck my cock! [groans]

Suck my cock, you dirty bitch.

Suck my cock, you whore!

-Really? -What?

You're fantasizing about giving him a blowjob?

Some dad from the playground this morning?

[Suzie] I'm trying to make myself feel better!

You're not into cars.

[Suzie] He's into cars.

Do you know that in real life?

I--it--it's in my imagination!

So. You've made up that he's into sports cars

so you can fantasize about him being turned on

in a car he thinks makes him sexy.

Where are you in this?

I like his desire. His desire for me makes me wet.

Suck my cock, you whore!

But he was nice to you! That was the whole attraction.

Why's he calling you names, now?

[Phil] Karen?

Karen!

[Naomi] I know why.

[Phil] Where is she, deaf bint?

[Naomi] You've always been attracted to shitty men.

Go and get me something from over there, would you?

Good girl. You're a good little girl, aren't ya?

[Suzie] I don't like shitty men. I just wank over them.

-[Naomi] Oh. Beautiful. -[Suzie] Sometimes.

-Beautiful. -Well, I can't help it.

Uh, you can help it. Like they do with paedos.

-What? -[Naomi] Paedophiles.

'Cause orgasms are really, like, uh, powerful,

what's the word, conditioners of behavior?

-[Suzie] Mm-hmm? -[Naomi] So...

They make paedos wank over images of, like, adults.

And the more they wank, the more they orgasm,

the more they get into that.

I'm sorry, who--who does this?

Like, in studies. And away from, like, the kids.

So hang on a minute. So you're...

[laughs] so you're saying, the more I wank over someone

-or just nicer guys, -[Naomi] Yeah.

I'll eventually start to fancy them in real life.

Yes! Like you, you build the muscle. Like an athlete.

Wank through your shitty childhood,

come your way to being a better person.

[young Suzie] Come on! [giggles]

Two?

Yep. Two whole minutes. Bye!

[girls giggle]

Oh my gosh.

Sorry, you okay?

[young Suzie] It sticks out.

[Suzie] I'm allowed to think about that, because I was

-[Suzie] the same age as him...-The same age as him at the time.

Obviously! I'm not judging that.

At least he was nice to you.

[young Suzie] Come on. We're sophisticated enough

to distinguish between our politics and our desires.

Yeah, but everything you think is sexy is based on

what men have told you is sexy for thousands of years.

What part of that do you think is about your desire?

Your lust? Where do you go to when it's coming from you?

[panting]

[Carter] Yeah, so, reflexology is like

this theory that every part of your foot is connected

-to another part of your body, so... -[Suzie] Mm-hmm?

If I press... here?

[both moaning]

[Naomi] No! Not Carter.

You should be thinking about Cob.

You need to cum to your husband.

Well, hello.

[kisses]

Sorry.

[Naomi] OK, OK, then imagine something. Go wild.

He can just feature.

These photos.

[panting]

Can you explain?

Yeah, they're me. They're all of me.

[moaning]

[moaning]

I can't control her, sir, she's wild.

What's this little slut doing?

-You can't say slut, sir. -Shut up!

[policeman] She's desperate for it, sir.

[Suzie moans]

You wanna get us into trouble, don't ya, you little whore!

-[Suzie moans] -What's going on here?

It's only fun.

Sorry, Cob.

[friends] Five, four, three, two, one!

[friends giggle]

[girl] You're such a slut!

[girl] She is such a slut!

[Naomi] You're such a slut.

Two margaritas, please.

Can't believe you don't use toys.

They are depressing, like electric tin openers.

I always think the sound of them's gonna,

like, [laughs] attract a bunch of stray cats.

[chuckles] That's so weird.

[meowing]

[Suzie groans]

Fuck!

OK, it says anything deemed to damage the Disney brand

or bring it into disrepute. Do we know deemed by who?

OK. All right, I'll take a look. All right, thanks.

[sniffs]

Hmm.

[assistant] Morning, Disney.

Marian Fletcher's office.

Yes, I'm Naomi Jones? I rep Suzie Pickles

and a few other people you work with.

Listen, me and Marianne really need to have a call today.

She probably mentioned this.

[assistant] Oh, sorry,

I'm just a temp, so--

Oh, OK. Uh, listen,

she's got 10 minutes at some point today, doesn't she?

[assistant] She can do 15 minutes.

Quite soon, though. Eleven?

OK, great. Actually, I happen to be

in the building before anyway, 'cause I've got a meeting,

so I'll just come straight to her office

and pop my head in then.

[assistant] OK.

-If you're here anyway. -Exactly. Great.

-Thanks. Bye! -[assistant] OK, thanks. Bye!

[robot beeps] I am your helper.

Ugh. Fuck.

[vibrator buzzes]

[receptionist] Good morning. Disney UK.

Hi, can you put me through to Dale Borger's assistant, please?

[receptionist] Putting you through.

[Holly] Dale Borger's office.

Hi, is that Holly?

-[Holly] Yeah. - Hi, Holly.

Naomi Jones here.

I just wanted to check. Do you have

a meeting in with me and Marianne today at 11?

[Holly] No. Not today.

Oh, really? Well, you should.

They've been begging me for a meeting about Suzie

and Marianne really wanted to have it today.

Did her assistant not message you?

[Holly] Oh, yeah, no. She's got a temp in at the moment.

Oh, OK, that explains it.

Well, let me tell you, if you have any spare moment

to block out with him, I'd do it then.

Because he'll be really annoyed if this meeting happens without him.

[Holly] Oh, well, OK.

I'm putting it in the diary now.

Thanks for letting me know.

No worries. Bye!

[vibrator buzzes]

[Naomi] OK, here we go.

You're gonna cum thinking about your husband.

He's attractive, right?

To... someone.

[Valerie] Professor?

Professor, do you mind going over something else for me?

I like that she likes him.

[Naomi] Well, get involved.

This is actually quite hot.

[Suzie] Shut up!

-Go away! -Include him, then.

He's the one you're trying to get excited about.

[Suzie] Shall I make her cum for you?

Yes, please.

[Valerie moans]

Are your fingers inside her?

[Suzie] No. No, I won't do that.

'Cause that's not gonna work.

Oh, put your fingers inside her!

-I don't mind. -This isn't my bag.

I don't even know what this is really like.

Jesus. Now you're fantasizing about my desires?

[Naomi] Come on. From you.

[Carter] Every part of your foot is connected

to another part of your body, so...

Mm-hmm? Yeah?

[Carter] Yeah, so where did you feel that?

In my pussy?

Right. [laughs]

[laughs]

[Carter] No. N--that was meant

to be your shoulder.

[both laugh]

But, hey, maybe that's the science, I dunno.

[Suzie laughs]

[Naomi] That was when you met.

It was good when you first met Cob.

If you can't imagine, then remember.

Beautiful girl.

[Suzie] Did you see what I wrote?

-What? -Did you not see it?

What?

I must've rubbed it off with the sweat.

Mmm. Whereabouts?

Well, you're just gonna have to find it.

-Oh really? -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[laughing]

[vibrator buzzing]

What're you looking so sad for?

Come on, misery.

[Suzie shrieks and laughs]

[Carter growls] Don't fight me! Oh, don't fight me.

That's the worst thing you can do in this situation.

Oh! Oh, no. You're just gonna have to be happy.

I'm sorry, I don't make the rules!

Stop, stop!

Oh, you're so, you're so beautiful.

You're so, you're so great, and I'm so, I'm so in love with you.

-You're so beautiful. -Be the bear.

[Suzie laughs]

Mmm. You feel that? You feel that?

[Suzie] Oh, yeah.

[Carter] Mm?

I just want you to stay like that forever.

-[Carter growls] -[Suzie laughs]

[phone vibrates]

Oh, my god! [sighs]

[door bell rings]

-Oh, hey. -[courier] Hi, package for Cob?

-[Suzie] Yeah. -I, um, signature, please?

-[Suzie] There you go. -Thank you.

[announcer] Hello there. We regret to inform you

that there's been an incident up ahead,

so we'll be stop/start all the way to Liverpool Street.

Sorry for the delay to your journey.

[man grunts]

[phone vibrates]

It was so wild.

It was this American soldier,

training in Portsmouth.

He was so fucking hot.

God, was he in uniform?

Yeah. I love a uniform.

[Naomi] Me too. I wonder why?

Hot, dapper. Yes sir, no sir?

I just think it makes it easier to work out

which one is the most important.

Go fuck yourself, Desantos,

like you started watching soccer yesterday.

Hey, hey. Oh, put the bottle away, you little bitch!

-What're you doing? -Why aren't we sitting down?

-[Charles] Keep walking! -Hey, baby.

I walked into your fucking ass.

Hey! Language. There are ladies present.

[Suzie pants]

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm just trying to get these reprobates home.

[both moaning]

So fit!

Gotta be.

I love your teeth. They're super cute.

[both moaning]

I've always been troubled by your attraction to Black guys.

-I'm not. What? That's racist. -It's objectifying.

Course it's fucking objectifying. I'm masturbating!

You should be training yourself back to Cob.

Oh, god, get out of my wank!

You're probably gonna lose the Disney gig.

[Suzie] No. No, no. No.

[Carter sighs]

[Suzie] Not you.

[sighs]

[Naomi] Hi, uh, just, if you wanted to report a crime,

or just something that happened on a train,

where, where would I-- would I talk to you, or...

Like, if a wallet was stolen, or something?

Have you been a victim of a crime?

No, I just mean theoretically.

[train staff] Uh, depends. If anyone's around,

or if they wanna call the Metropolitan Police.

Can wait in the staff room.

Yeah. How long?

I've got this meeting, so...

I honestly couldn't say.

I could just go to the website, right?

-I'll go to the website. -Well, text 61016,

for British Transport Police.

-[Naomi] Yeah. -There you go.

Thanks. Cheers.

[Suzie] Oh! Come on! Get me pregnant!

Fuck your baby into me! [moaning]

No, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do, do you want me to stop?

I love you.

I love you.

Am I not beautiful enough?

You're so beautiful.

Am I not clever enough?

You're so clever.

Am I not happy enough?

You're so happy.

[moans]

I love you!

Fuck!

You know what I call that?

When you cry after?

A French wank.

[sniffs]

-Hey. -[Suzie] Hey, what happened?

It was good, good meeting.

No, I mean th-- the guy on the train.

Oh god. Forget it. Just, uh,

on the train on the way back there was a guy

that was... I think he was, like, touching himself, or some shit?

Oh my god, I've had that.

[Naomi] Yeah, it's like I didn't know,

and then I did know.

Yeah, it was pretty special.

Look, in real news, I just saw Disney, and they're very excited.

I've managed to emotionally blackmail them into supporting you.

What?

We're in good shape, OK?

They want to behave in the best possible moral way,

and actually, in today's money,they look pretty villainous if they dump you.

So you still have the role of "Aging Princess."

OK. [chuckles]

[Naomi] I'm a legend!

I'm in a cab, so. Love you!

- Love you, too. Bye. -[Naomi] Bye!

Jeez, it's just right there. It's just right there.

[woman on radio] There has been another serious sexual assault

in West London, when a woman running in Ravenscourt Park

was dragged into some bushes around seven o'clock last night.

Police are appealing for any witnesses that were in or near the park...

'Scuse me, 'scuse me? Sorry, would you mind putting some music on?

[rock music playing]

♪ I don't love you And I never will ♪

♪ Come on, baby Let me get my fill ♪

♪ I got you on my mind

♪ Heartbreaker gonna take My soul ♪

♪ I'll move your body To the rock 'n roll ♪

♪ I got you on my mind

♪ Come on, baby...