Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

It's a Target return! Back off!

Target's the other way, miss.

Oh, thank you for mansplaining that to me.

Why don't you tell me where everything

in this whole fucking mall is, okay?!

God! Why do you hate lesbians?!

Security guard: She's crazy.

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

Naomi: Go away, fascist! It's me.

She's here! [ Delilah moaning ]

Ohh! Thank you for coming! Aah!

I love you! [ Sneakers squeak ]

I love you so much!

I'm okay. I swallowed it back.

Oh, no! I'm not okay!

[ Vomiting ]

Don't you fucking dare!

I'm not going to. I'm definitely not going to.

I just wish you hadn't made me eat that hot dog on a stick!

Fill the tub!

How did you not know?

Dude, there's literally five seasons of

"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

What woman actually gives birth in her pants?

Arianna: But weren't you having your period?

My period's always weird, and I thought I was gassy!

And WebMD said it was bok choy or colon cancer,

so I was like, "Fuck WebMD!

It always stresses me out! I'm fine!

In a way, it's funny, 'cause I did think you were looking kind of thick.

-Wait. Thick in a good way?! -I mean, the tits, for sure.

But you didn't tell me?

I don't know whether to be mad or okay about this!

Arianna: You're my sister. I love you.

[ Screams and cries ]

Is 911 for sure off the table?

Yes!

And your parents do seem cool.

You definitely don't want to tell them?

Your parents seem cool, too! Would you tell them?!

This is not working!

♪♪

And no way am I paying 10 cents for these.

Reparations!

-Wait. -I can't! It's coming out!

No! Who the fuck is the father? [ Screams ]

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

[ Keyboard clicking, text message bloops ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Megan: I do not hear you practicing your toast for tonight!

And you're welcome for the edits, by the way!

That Russia joke would not have played,

not with Aunt Katyushka coming.

[ Text tone chimes ]

Okay. Niños, vamanos.

I have no idea what's been going on for the past two weeks,

but from what I can gather, you are very angry

with your brother --

for a medical condition that was out of his control.

His pink eye was not out of his control.

Excuse me.

You know what? I volunteered in a Botswanan orphanage.

I think I know a little bit more about

medical contagiousness than you do.

Do you really want to hear the --

This weekend is about your sister and her wedding!

So whatever is happening between you, this silence,

this little...

"secret life of teenagers hoo-ha" --

it ends now, okay?

I'm serious.

The drama is finito y terminado. Capiche?

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Some guy from the other team keeps staring at you.

Man: Alright, team, look at the formation.

[ Laughs ] Yeah. We hooked up.

But he was a jerk, so I went home

and signed him up for the Scientology mailing list.

Young man: Yep, Coach.

[Laughing] Oh, my God.

Chester is still being weird.

Did you ask him if he was mad at me?

No. I'm not doing that. The lockdown was stressful.

He doesn't even remember you getting upset.

You need to relax. You're too paranoid.

No, I know. I'm paranoid about everything.

But, I mean, also with reason.

Like, Naomi was already kind of a bitch,

and now this whole Jack thing has just crystallized her evilness.

She's not gonna tell anyone about Jack

or about you being bi.

[ Whistle blowing ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

Whoo!

You should go say hi.

You go first. Come on.

-Hey. -Hey!

-Thanks for coming. -Thanks for having us.

Oh. [ Laughs ] Here. Let me show you these photos I took.

[Laughing] Oh, sick! I know, right?

Oh, my God. I am gagged.

Was Sam here before?

I don't know. Here. Wait.

Look at this.

I love!

It's so good.

Teammate one: I mean, they all hate touching them, let alone sucking on them.

Honestly, it's hard to argue.

Do gay guys like balls?

I mean -- [ Chuckles ] I can't really speak for all of them.

Like, I don't.

Cool, man.

Young man #1: Sweet! Young man #2: Bro, I say let's get fucked up

and watch the "Fast & Furious" movies.

I fucking hate those movies.

All nine of them. Come on.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Don't act like you don't love them.

Young man: Yeah, man, I don't want to, like, have that in my face.

Let's get fucked up and, like, go on the Matterhorn.

You down with that? Oh, you want to?

-Yeah, I'm in. -You good?

If Steve's going, then I'm down.

Alright, man. Your call.

Don't get the white ball, though, whatever you do.

It's so played, man.

[ Text tone chimes ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪ Ice on the windshield ♪

♪ You let your hair grow long ♪

♪ Lost in a coin toss ♪ [ Text tone chimes ]

♪ A roll of the dice ♪

♪ isn't that the same way Ritchie Valens died? ♪

[ Text tone chimes ]

She's just not a pleasant person. La Reina.

She's such a bruja to her husband.

Could you put the phone down, please?

Thank you. He's obviously gonna leave her,

probably for the sister, La Loca.

Oh, she's just so much fun.

And the curtains in the castle -- Wow!

iOye! Has Ana been cleaning?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

You shouldn't be talking like that in front of Greta.

[ Both laugh ] [ Speaking Spanish ]

Honestly, it's not cool. You're gonna give me a heart attack.

-[ Text tone chimes ] -I don't think that's something

that you should be laughing at. You should be an example, Ana.

Um, I have to go, Mami. I have a lot of homework. Bye.

[ Speaks Spanish ] No, no. Wait.

What kind of hang?

I don't know.

Friend hang? Date hang? Hang-hang?

It's probably nothing. I don't know.

How do you know?

Well, she did say "fish."

-No! -I'm getting you ready.

Ew! God, no! No!

But I-I don't want it to look like I think it's something.

It's probably nothing.

Ah -- No. Stop. Expect nothing, get nothing.

What is this wildflower-wallpaper shit?

No. We are redecorating. We are giving zero fucks.

You are dressing like you want to be seen.

Let's go.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

[ Dog barking ]

[ Siren wailing ]

-Hey. -Greta!

[ Mouthing words ]

[ Serena Isioma's "Hard" plays ]

♪♪

♪ What do I do this for? ♪

♪ Why do I move, why I do dance ♪

♪ When I am feeling low? ♪

♪ I am trying so hard ♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪ Hard ♪

♪ To get this far ♪

♪ Far ♪

♪♪

[ Music winds down ]

[ Beep, camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughter ]

Hi, Uncle Luke and Aunt Bethuel.

Well, look at you in your matching outfits!

Welcome to The Flying Seaman.

Natalia and Jordan and all of us are so happy

that you could join us for the rehearsal dinner.

That's your mother, isn't it? Judas Priest, what a woman.

[ Laughs ]

I said I was sorry. Also, when it happened,

you hadn't even touched his dick,

so, obviously, it wasn't that serious.

-Hello! -Hi, Aunt Katyushka!

Welcome to The Flying Seaman.

Natalia and Jordan and all of us

are so happy you could join us for the rehearsal dinner.

It is so good to see you. And it's safe to hug Nathan.

I don't know if you heard, but that thing with his eye

was not pink eye, so you definitely won't get infected.

Turns out it was just an irritant.

Not just an irritant,

a really huge glob of an irritant.

But boys will be boys, right?

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I am so excited for tonight.

Ohh!

Also, I have been so nice to you.

I didn't even tell mom when you put nail-polish remover

in my Cetaphil.

Welcome to The Flying Seaman!

-Whoo-whoo! -That can never happen again.

There you are!

-Ahh! Mwah! -Ahh!

I mean, Wonder Woman!

Mwah! Gal Gadot and Lynda Carter

are feeling very threatened right now.

What?! No! I did nothing. It was 1-800-Party-Planner.

[ Laughs ] I'm just so happy for Natalia.

Have you seen her yet?

She's a Vogue cover.

Three people have already commented

how much we look alike, and I said,

"Please, you don't have to flatter me.

The sushi's already free." [ Laughs ]

I mean, you know, for us.

You know, $200 per person.

Do not say a word to Mark. [ Chuckles ]

But, really, is she not Vogue?

-You are literally sisters. -No, no, no!

I'm a weathered old hag.

[ Laughs ] I'm so happy!

I feel like I'm getting married.

Have you seen Jordan's shoe size?

I have a feeling Natalia

is going to be one very lucky girl.

[ Laughter ]

-Hey. -Hi.

-This is Chester and Greta. -Hi!

-This is Pablo. -Hi, Pablo.

-Hi. -Hey.

-So, how's Fairmont? -Shitty.

I hate private-school kids. You're lucky you left.

Well, if you want to get kicked out, it's not that hard.

Riley: What if your butt was on your front

and your front was on your back?

Pablo: I think the bathroom would be really weird.

Oh, my God. You would have to, like, lean over the toilet.

-Imagine? -Hunch.

Yeah. Your body doesn't even bend that way.

Wait. Oh, my God. Am I taking your virginity?

Chester: Really? Oh, my God!

Yes!

We stan a virgin queen. Pablo: There. You got it.

-Mm-hmm! -Uh-huh. And hold it...

-[ Coughs ] -That's okay.

Riley: Very good.

♪♪

It's cool you work in an aquarium.

Did you know that there is a fish with a penis on its chin?

I didn't know that.

I feel like that would be pretty convenient.

♪ That's life, if we had more time ♪

♪ We could live forever, forever ♪

♪ Just you and I, we could be together ♪

♪ Together, that's life ♪

♪ If we had more time, more time ♪

♪ We could live forever, forever ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ If we had more time ♪

Did you know that 1/3 of all fish

are just people in fish costumes?

I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.

But, literally, everyone knows that.

[ Laughs ]

[ Camera whirring ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-You okay? -Yeah.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Water bubbling ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

I think I'm gonna cum.

Open your eyes.

Open them.

Just look at me and keep them open, okay?

I forgot how weird you are.

[ Breathing quickens ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Breathing slows ]

Shit. Sorry. It's okay.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Music playing on headphones ]

♪♪

I was stung by a jellyfish once.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I was at the beach with my Nonna.

Maybe I was like 8.

I was screaming so loud.

And this guy nearby felt bad and was like,

"Oh, you're supposed to pee on it."

And my Nonna basically was like, "Fuck that."

And I started screaming more kind of

'cause I just wanted to see his penis.

And when he took it out, which at the time

didn't seem as molester-y as it sounds now,

it was the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Like, it was so big, I literally forgot to be in pain.

And then there was this gushing waterfall on my leg.

And that's also probably when I figured out that being peed on

is not a turn-on for me...

but a big penis is.

I feel like that's not what you were just thinking about.

♪♪

I was just thinking what it would feel like

to go through life with no brain

and no heart...

and just drifting.

Ooh! She's a sad stoner.

[ Chuckles ]

And she feels see-through.

Ugh. I'm so obvious.

♪♪

But was I talking about you or me?

I guess we're all just jellyfishy bitches.

♪♪

♪ I got this feeling on the summer day ♪

You know what my mother told me on my wedding day? What?

She said, "Husbands are like horses.

If you're not riding them, they're runnin' off."

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, you do have to admit your mother's still a head-turner.

♪ I don't care, I love it ♪

It's nice to see her having such a good time.

It's hard for her, all this change --

Natalia getting married, you and Naomi getting older.

♪ I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone ♪

Soon it'll just be me, her, and the menopause.

♪ I watched, I let it burn ♪

I can't wait to meet the lucky girl you choose

to spend your life with.

Yeah, that wedding night. I'm telling you, it's worth the wait.

Sometimes, it feels like our bad boys can't wait one more day.

♪ I don't care ♪

But you know that's what they invented socks for.

♪ I'm in the Milky Way, you want me down on Earth ♪

Anyway --

Now, wait! Hold on! Hold on!

You can't steal my baby girl and my wife.

♪ You're from the '70s, but I'm a '90s bitch ♪

♪ I love it ♪

♪♪

I'll take a Sprite and a rum and Coke for my dad.

Grown-ups don't drink rum and Coke.

My dad does. Maybe it's a gay thing?

Trust me, it's not.

Anyway, it's wine and beer only.

You couldn't have just said that in the first place?

You know I'm just gonna find a place

to smoke some weed, right?

Same. Here's your Sprite.

♪ I love it, I love it, I don't care ♪

Man: This party is a lot.

Patrick: No, we are not ghosting.

I literally held Natalia when she was a day old.

Megan is my oldest friend.

Joe: Oh, back from when you were straight, married,

born again, and playing electric guitar?

She is the only one who stuck with me.

And you have to forgive her for "Inception."

Why? She came to our house. I was there.

She talked through the entire film. I remember.

And then, when it was over, she said she hated it

because it was confusing.

How the fuck do you stay friends with a person who does that?

♪ I don't care ♪

-Hey, sweetie. -Hey.

Um, I'm just gonna go pee.

I'll alert the media.

♪♪

[Muffled] Sorry.

It must be my period coming.

I don't know you were invited.

Yeah, my parents know their parents

from the rich, Jew-hating club they all play tennis at.

[ Text tone chimes ]

♪♪

[ Breathing shakily ]

♪♪

I literally don't know what's wrong with me.

♪♪

Can I ask you something? Sure.

Um, that sleepover we had where we tried scissoring

and I didn't know I had poison ivy

and I got it in your vagina --

is that why you stopped talking to me?

Maybe. Also, you were just, like, way too into writing

"Hunger Games" fan fiction.

♪♪

Do you want some?

But thanks for being so nice.

I'm just gonna go get some more sushi.

I just want raw fish all the time.

Thanks. I just need to take the edge off.

Naomi is driving me crazy.

Um, maybe we should go over there.

Sure.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Thanks.

♪♪

Shit. I'm out.

Oh, great.

Oh, I have a joint, if you want.

No, I can't smell like pot.

If we shotgun, you won't.

-For real? -Mm-hmm.

[ Inhaling and exhaling ]

Can we do another?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I always thought you had blow-job lips.

Thank you?

♪♪

♪♪

See? You don't give off gay vibes.

Like, why would you even tell her that? That is so fucked up!

Like, that is so -- so -- so jerky.

First of all, Arianna is one of my best friends,

and I tell her everything.

Second of all, I'm just curious what leg you have to stand on

after you sucked my boyfriend's dick!

I'm sorry, okay?

I-I told you that I-I didn't even get my mouth on it.

You just walk through life

thinking you can do fucked-up things

and say you're sorry, and everything will be fine.

But that was a really shitty thing you did.

Like, I really fucking liked him,

so, like, why would you do that?

Look, I-I know that I can't say I'm sorry,

but, like, I genuinely feel like shit about it, okay?

And -- And -- And, like, Mom says

hurt people hurt people, you know?

Are you high? [ Glass clinking ]

Wait. Shh! Oh, shit.

[ Toilet flushes ]

Oh, hi. Sorry.

No. Something got on my shirt.

[ Water running ]

I love this place.

The bathroom?

The aquarium.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I -- Yeah.

Do any of these soaps work?

What did you get kicked out of your old school for?

Oh, thank you. [ Chuckles ]

Um, I did a photo assignment

of these guys' faces as they were cumming.

The whole idea was how society presents this oppressive myth

about how sex and emotion are always linked,

when, really, it's just about power and dopamine.

But the school sucked, and it was full of so many rich,

entitled assholes.

And my parents wouldn't let me leave,

so I had to get creative.

Can I -- Sorry.

♪♪

Riley: What are you doing?!

[Chuckling] I am wondering where all the fish are.

[Chuckling] I don't know where they are.

Where are they?

You know what I want to eat more than anything

in the world right now?

Babies. No.

No, I -- Oh, sushi.

Not only that, I know where we can get so much of it for free.

[ Gasps ] Let's take a trip.

[ Laughter ]

Megan: And, Natalia, you were so stubborn

from the moment you were born.

When she was growing up, she would hold her breath

until she got what she wanted.

And it's one thing if it's a Furby, but...

a Mini Cooper?!

[ Laughter ]

Well...she got it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, to Natalia and Jordan.

May you be blessed with a happy marriage

and a big brood of Jordan almonds.

[ Laughs ]

-Hear, hear! -Thank you, Mom!

Mwah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi, everyone.

Thank you, all, so much for being here.

My family is so grateful you can make it,

and we're so thrilled to be celebrating

Natalia's big day with such loving friends and family.

Guests: Aww.

Natalia, you're the best sister I could ever ask for.

And, recently, I've been thinking a lot

about what makes a great sibling

and what makes one trash.

[ Snorts softly ]

First, a great sibling has to be someone

you can trust no matter what.

Also someone that everyone can trust

and who doesn't go down on Christmas Eve

to secretly unwrap their presents and see what they got.

Also someone who thinks $9 in quarters

is an acceptable birthday present.

Anyway, um, I love you, and I hope you and Jordan

have an amazing life with lots of kids

who are great brothers and sisters to each other

and don't do things like...

Your turn.

[ Light applause ]

[Chuckling] Oh, hey. Oh, um, whoops.

Um, hi, all you beautiful

Christian lovers and shakers,

and welcome to The Flying Seaman.

Not to be "rebundant" --

[ Laughter ] That's not the word.

Um, but I've also been thinking about what makes a good sibling,

and -- and, like -- like, how I can be better and --

and, like, how Jesus wants me to be better.

And he is right, so shout-out to my main man Jesus!

[ Laughing nervously ]

Um, and even though I have definitely made mistakes,

I think my sister is my best friend in the world.

Not you, Natalia.

I-I mean, I-I do love you,

just -- just not as much, and -- and --

and that's only 'cause, like, you're -- you're older,

and, like, I don't really know you that well.

But, um, anyway, you know what I mean.

And -- And -- And, Jordan, you are a total stud.

I-I mean that like a brother. Um, it's okay.

Mom, I'm -- I'm getting to the good part.

Um, when -- when Naomi and I were kids, we would do that

"Lady and the Tramp" thing with the spaghetti, you know,

where you eat towards each other from the opposite ends.

And -- And I-I-I guess

that sounds a little incestuous, but -- but -- but back then,

it was just us loving each other.

And not in a creepy way.

Um, and, like, one thing I've really realized

over these past two weeks is just how alone

I've felt without you and --

and how much I've wanted you -- t-to be my friend again.

Um, just -- just one more sec, 'cause --

'cause what I'm trying to say to Naomi is --

is that I never meant to hurt you,

and I know that sounds completely ridiculous,

because, in theory, I should have thought of that

before I hooked up with your boyfriend,

but, sometimes, life is just a day late and a dollar short.

[ Guests whispering ]

[ Man clears throat ]

Um, to -- to -- to -- to clarify,

I-I-I also like girls, too.

Like -- like, when Riley and I went --

went to that Jew meeting, I even said how --

how happy I was that Sophie Deichman-Alperstein

was dressing kind of slutty.

Maybe I-I shouldn't have said "slutty."

But, um...

[ Hands clapping ]

-Nathan! Stop! -Let me go!

No! Stop! Stop!

Natalia: Why couldn't you have just let me be an only child, like I wanted?

Thank you for ruining my entire fucking wedding weekend.

-Natalia. -It's my wedding.

I'm fucking cursing if I want to.

The wedding isn't ruined.

It's totally ruined.

But, like... apology accepted.

Okay, we're saying it was just a funny little nothing

that got out of control, okay?

Just a funny little nothing.

But, um -- No.

It was -- No!

[ Ship horn blares ]

-Whoa! -Whoa!

-Hey! -Hey!

-Nathan! -Nathan!

-Why would you do that?! -Oh, my God!

Swim to the right!

Get out of the water!

[ Phone buzzing ]

Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Swim to the right!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Climb up the ladder to the other side! I can't believe you --

[ Water bubbling ]

[ Water splashes ]

[ TTRRUUCES' "Something Inside" plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪

♪ Don't need to be envious ♪

♪♪

♪ Sometimes I feel so angry ♪

♪ I feel so anxious ♪

♪♪

♪ There's something inside ♪

♪♪

♪ There's something inside ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I found a way ♪

♪ Into your heart ♪

♪ I found a way ♪

♪ Into your heart ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0