Original subtitles

[Chip] Previously on Farmed and Dangerous.

Why am I here?

PetroPellet is a game-changer.

[explosion]

Why are my cows exploding all over the Internet?

-[cow moos] -[explosion]

Who did you say was promoting that video?

A guy named Chip Randolph.

Was your plan to come in here like a Bond girl

and seduce me into seeing things your way?

Our office. Tomorrow. 11 a.m.

Lunch. Sunday noon.

Well, when people see that video that, uh, you put up,

they're gonna start hating on Animoil.

You know, like, uh,

Animoil is doing some kind of weird science.

Like blowing up cows?

Let's just order and get this over with.

And tomorrow you'll take down the video, right?

A deal is a deal.

You take down that video

or we will slaughter you

and your pathetic farmer's association.

[Elaine] This is a message for Chip Randolph.

It's Elaine Huntsman,

I'm a producer at The Morning Show.

Uh, we're doing our weekly segment on viral videos

and we'd love to have you on.

[clicking]

[sizzling]

[upbeat music]

[woman on TV laughs]

What can you tell us about this video?

[man on TV] Let's take a look.

-[thuds] -[children screaming on TV]

[both laugh]

Who would have thought

that a toddler nearly decapitating herself

could be so hilarious.

And that leads us to our number one

viral video of the week.

And we think you'll find this one

[imitating cow] moving.

[laughs]

After the break.

Don't go away.

Could it be any hotter in here, guys?

[crew] Ninety seconds.

♪ Left my coat

♪ Left my hat

♪ Down to the river

♪ Saddle her bed

♪ I lay it down over my eyes

♪ Pray to the heavens

♪ And the skies

[crew] Hey, let's get you on the couch.

Okay.

All right, it is time now, to introduce you

to the young man behind the number one viral video

this is Chip Randolph.

[host] Chip, thanks for joining us.

-[coughs] - Thanks for having me.

What the f--

Buck is going to sh--

It can't be.

Miserable cun--

Country bumpkin.

We will sue his...

Ass.

You have created quite a controversy

with this viral video.

[host] You're just a farmer, right?

Yes, I'm part of an organization

that's committed to better farming practices

across America.

It's the Sustainable Family Farming Association.

We're over here, Chip.

- Oh. -[chuckles]

Sorry, I'm not used to having cameras--

That's terrific, but why create

a violent video of a cow exploding?

I didn't. That's actual security footage

from Animoil.

Where they feed petroleum to cattle.

[cell phone buzzing]

Hey, Mick.

[Mick] Why the hell is this guy on TV

bashing PetroPellet?

You should be shutting this thing down.

Have you seen those ads for PetroPellet?

Where Animoil claims to save the agriculture industry

from its dependency on oil?

♪ Animoil the future Of livestock nutrition ♪

Ah, right. More like the failure

of livestock nutrition. [chuckles]

I mean, what's wrong with raising animals on pastures

instead of in refineries?

Then we wouldn't have this sort of thing.

Shall we show the video?

Uh, we can't, I'm afraid. Due to copyright issues.

Turns out you don't have the rights to the video.

It was on a public website.

We did ask Animoil for a response

but they declined.

Of course, they did.

[host] Instead, they sent us a spokesperson.

Sophia Marshall.

From the Industrial Food Image Bureau.

All right.

This is so exciting.

She's gonna tear him apart.

- Sophia, so nice to see you. -[Sophia] You too.

I love that dress!

[Sophia] Oh, thank you.

Thanks for having me here.

Welcome, Chip.

So, it appears you got some 'splaining to do, young lady.

What can you tell us about this video?

[Sophia] Not much to say.

Animoil has a sense of humor

and we think the video is a riot.

So, it's not real?

What I'm saying is, Mr. Chip

and his Occupy Livestock Movement

may have gotten a little too creative with this one.

The video's real.

If you'll play it for your audience--

I'm afraid we can't do that without permission.

Not only are we happy to share that video,

but we have some others.

Technology is amazing.

Whether you're using it to increase food production

or make wacky videos, like these.

Oh. Let's take a look.

[hosts laughing]

-[explosion] -[hosts laugh]

-[explosion] -[cow moos]

[host] Wow.

That's awesome.

And look, here's one I made backstage.

[explosion]

You know, this is very typical of big agriculture.

They accuse me of fabricating a video

then say I can't show it because it's theirs.

How is that typical, Chip?

- Do you do this a lot? -[Chip] No.

But you guys do.

You play both sides.

For example, you say that GMO crops are unique,

so you can patent them,

but then you argue against GMO labeling

because "they're really just the same as normal crops."

Boring.

[chuckling]

Chip, as a morning show,

we have to wake people up, not put them to sleep.

But the issue isn't whether the video is real,

it's that cows are eating petroleum.

Go to whitehouse.gov

to demand a Senate hearing

-on Petro-- -Boring.

-[laughing] - Okay.

All right, after the break,

are your medications making you more depressed?

A new pill promises relief.

Stay with us.

[upbeat music]

Any comment on the PetroPellet Senate hearing?

Or the exploding cows?

Now, why would there be a Senate hearing?

[Buck] Cattle are butchered every day, literally.

-[reporter] But the explosions? -[Mick] Explosion. Singular.

Was caused by a cell phone, not PetroPellet.

If there was an explosion.

How many will have to die before PetroPellet--

[Buck] Let's get a question in the back there.

Yeah, given Animoil's unflagging commitment

to American agriculture

is the latest criticism unfair?

Some bad publicity is a small price to pay

for the good Animoil is doing.

Last question.

Is it possible to feed America without PetroPellet?

No. Maybe the one percent.

Everyone else would starve.

We're fighting for the little guy.

And what kind of research are you doing--

[Buck] No more questions.

The planet's not going to feed itself.

Actually, it's...

doing that for millions of years.

Are you a model?

'Cause my ex is a model, so...

I, uh...

Are you telling me, this guy's stupid petition

can lead to a Senate hearing?

He'll never pull it off.

We've buried him in lawsuits.

By September 20th, he'll have to sell his farm.

[Harvey] September 20th?

That's International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

I thought that was 19th?

Remind me why we aren't in crisis-mode.

Mick, there will never be a Senate hearing.

Sophia,

you'll lead the PR offensive.

Ms. Marshall, what do you have to say

to all the farmers out there

who call PetroPellet dangerous?

They should think twice about saying anything.

America's food disparagement laws

make it illegal to criticize food producers like Animoil

who will vigorously litigate against offending parties.

Now, Mr. Haskell, you've been on multiple news programs

criticizing both Animoil and PetroPellet,

what do you have to say to that?

Uh, I just like to apologize to Animoil

for, um, anything I said that coulda been

misconstrued as, uh, disparaging.

Sorry.

Doug.

You run legal maneuvers.

You are Animoil's finest legal minds.

And together, we are undefeatable.

So, even though you each have your own Animoil cases,

it is important we work as a team.

So...

What are we?

[all] A team.

[exhales] I can't hear you.

What are we!

[all] A team!

[Buck] Harvey, you're on social media.

[knocking]

-[Jared] Yeah? -Are you Jared Williams?

It's pronounced Ja-rad.

Jarad.

You know that exploding cow video you liked?

[Harvey] I need you to unlike it, right now.

My sister also liked that video.

[Buck] Eddie, you'll handle word of mouth.

Sustainable? I'll show you what sustainable is.

Get down with me after work.

And I will deal with Senator Murrin.

You know, Buck, I appreciate all Animoil's done for me.

The campaign contributions,

research trip to Asia,

use of the corporate jet.

Not that any of that's influenced my votes.

[Buck chuckles]

But here's the thing.

That exploding cow woke up the sleeping beast.

The American public now wanna know

what the hell is going on with their food.

It'll all blow over.

It's my experience that what blows up

never blows over.

Senator, that hearing needs to go away.

Buck, we've had a good ride these past few decades.

But the Internet is ruining everything.

Those online petitions are demanding a hearing.

-It's bad, Buck. -[Buck] Hm.

It's gotten to the point where

we can't ignore our constituents.

Yeah, we're all over that.

Every online signature

soon will require a hard copy of a legal I.D.

Who's gonna bother with them then?

Buck, you pull that off, and they'll name

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier after you.

-Hm. -Until then,

I can't touch this thing.

I know who you should talk to.

Garth Bloch.

He can help you with this.

[laughs]

Oh, he said that, did he?

-[laughs] -[Buck] Yeah.

Ah. [clears throat]

No, I can't help you.

You want Philip Jeffries.

That's your man.

No, no, no.

You really need...

Phew. Who do you need?

You need Melinda Begg.

She's the national treasure

who got school pizza

classified as a vegetable.

No, actually, that was me.

It's pathetic, the way you people keep passing the work

onto others.

Who passed you to me?

Buck Marshall.

-So, in terms of the hearing, -[clattering]

we recommend waiting until the third generation

of petro-fed animals are fully grown.

So, we're thinking 12 years.

All for it.

Great.

But you have to go through Max.

[knocking on door]

Your client, Animoil, is dangerous.

I plan on eating for the next six decades

and those products scare the crap out of me,

and I am not the only one.

My generation

is not going to let the major food conglomerates

dictate what food we can eat.

Things are gonna change in Washington.

How do you like that?

[Sophia] I like it a lot, Max.

You're exactly what this country needs

and that's why I wanna help you.

You help me? Please.

[Sophia] Absolutely.

What are you doing here?

You need to be out influencing policy.

You need to be elected to public office.

That's exactly what I plan to do.

[Sophia] But how, Max?

While you're here doing all the grunt work,

the fat cat's playing the game, making things happen.

For themselves maybe.

I'll never play that game.

Then get comfortable.

Because you'll never be elected dogcatcher of East Bumblebuck

without money.

Money that comes from people like us.

I don't need your money to run for public office.

No, Max, you don't.

You need it to win public office.

Your money comes with strings.

And you come with principles.

That doesn't mean we can't work together.

Just out of curiosity,

how much money do you throw people like me?

[paper rasps]

[pen rustling]

Is that a decimal point?

It's a comma.

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music continues]

Another triumph, doctor?

[Riefkind speaks German]

This is Doctor Van Riefkind, our chief cow bomber.

His English isn't very good.

[in German]

To head off the Senate hearing,

we need to show that PetroPellet is safe.

That there's some sort of quality control.

But it's not safe.

I need more time.

What the hell is that?

It's an eight-winged chicken.

That's awesome.

I call him McCartney.

Look, we need a list of stuff that makes PetroPellet seem...

not quite as dangerous.

To ease concerns about PetroPellet.

A list of, uh, positive traits.

For example, do you use food coloring in the pellets?

No, why would I?

Oh, great. No artificial coloring.

Any pesticides required?

It's petroleum, not a plant.

What about what it doesn't do?

Oh, smart.

-Does it cause nausea? -How would I know?

-Dizziness? -Don't think so.

Will it cause an erection that lasts

longer than four hours?

-Sometimes. -Sometimes.

[Doug] Hm.

[upbeat music]

[reporters] Senator!

-Senator Murrin. -Sir, a few questions, please.

Where were you guys when I eagled the 14th?

Senator Murrin, are you aware of industrial agriculture's

increasing dependency on oil since the 1960s?

Well, the 1960s?

When American-Africans were forced to ride

in the back of public busses?

I don't think we need to relive that dark chapter

in our nation's history.

Well, sir, uh, no one here is talking about civil rights.

And that's just the problem.

Senator, in this box,

we have over a hundred thousand signatures

demanding a Senate hearing on PetroPellet.

And this is what I love about the Internet.

Everyone gets to have a say

in how the country is run.

Thank you, Senator. Does that mean

we can count on a Senate hearing

within the month, on PetroPellet?

It means that I will do everything in my power

to help you on this issue.

Thank you, Senator.

If only we could find some way to get through to him.

Someone who could charm him.

Someone smart.

-Beautiful. -[approaching footsteps]

Someone in this room.

Go for it, Dad, but don't look at me.

Zach is still pissed about the last time we got together.

Zach doesn't have to know.

How can you suggest this?

-You're my dad. -I would never suggest it

as your dad.

As your employer, however...

[Sophia] It'll never work anyway.

The guy hates me.

Why are you selling yourself too short, honey?

I'm not selling myself, period.

Zach would want you to do this.

He just doesn't know it yet.

Mom always said your relationship was so healthy

because it has no secrets.

And I love her for thinking that.

[scoffs]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Tear me apart

♪ From the inside out

♪ Breaking down the walls

♪ But they won't stop me now

[chuckles]

-Sorry I'm late. -Busy putting out cows?

[chuckles] Something like that.

I saw you on TV.

Nice ambush on the senator.

I learned the TV ambush from the best.

So, what's this all about?

Team Animal Torture surrendering?

Chip, I admire you for taking a stand

for what you believe in.

But this fighting and petition business

is going to end badly for you.

Probably.

[Sophia] These guys bury anyone who takes a stand.

They even go after countries that ban their products.

Which is why I don't understand how you can be on their side.

And why I don't understand how you think you can win.

[bartender] Drink?

[both] Yes.

-[both laugh] -Let's play a game.

I make a claim about how you raise food,

you prove me wrong, I take a drink.

-You make a claim-- -Let's do it.

-Let's do it. -I'll start.

Sustainable farming can't feed the world's population.

It can, we have studies that prove it.

Ooh, studies.

Well, we have studies too

and they say no matter how many yoga classes

you take your cow Bessy to,

she will not produce as much milk

as the cow on PetroPellet.

-True. -Mm-hm.

But Bessy's milk doesn't give underarm hair to little girls

like your petro-cow.

Huh.

Sustainable farming is economically unsustainable.

This one. You guys always claim that you're making food cheaper,

but you're not, there are hidden costs.

-[Sophia] Mm. -I'll prove it to you.

-[Sophia] All right. -Uh...

-[clatters] -[Sophia] What are you doing?

Factory.

[Sophia scoffs]

Animals.

Cramming animals into a factory has all sorts of hidden costs.

Maybe. But it leaves more land for schools and hospitals.

Land. Schools. Hospitals.

Not really. Because you still have to raise the feed crops.

[Chip] Goodbye, hospitals.

-Goodbye, schools. -[Sophia scoffs]

And because the animals aren't there to fertilize the soil,

you have to truck in

-chemical fertilizers. -[Sophia] Mm.

And pesticides.

And let's not forget the antibiotics.

Oh, allow me.

Oh, no, no, no. Those go in the animals.

All of which has to be transported

to the animals in the factory.

But when we feed the animals PetroPellet,

all of that goes away.

Oh, yes, PetroPellet.

[Chip] Let's add PetroPellet to the mix.

[match rasps]

-[fire roars] -Oh!

-Wow. -Petrotini.

[laughs]

♪ Ain't nobody better than me

♪ Yeah, you know, It's all about me ♪

♪ About me, about me

♪ I am the one Who run the party ♪

♪ Ain't nobody better than me

♪ Yeah, you know, It's all about me ♪

♪ About me, about me

An eight-winged chicken?

Brought to you by the same guy who created PetroPellet.

Crazy, Austrian Van Riefkind.

[Chip sighs]

[bartender] Shall I order you guys a cab?

Shall I order you a shush?

[both laugh]

You have nice eyes.

You have a nice smile.

I don't like you.

I don't like you either.

[cell phone buzzing]

Why haven't you been answering your phone?

-[Chip] Oh, hey. -Hey.

-[Chip] Oh, crap. -Hi.

I didn't hear it.

I changed your ringtone when you were in the boy's room.

♪ I am the one Who runs the party ♪

I was supposed to meet you guys like two hours ago.

Yeah, you were.

Hey, this is like when Zach came to get me.

[Sophia] I'll be Chip.

[imitates Chip] You need to leave.

[Sophia] I'll be Zach.

[imitates Chip] Leave Animoil? No way, Jose.

-I am programmed... -[Sophia laughing]

-to murder cows... -[Sophia giggling]

Wow, you guys should go on the road with this.

Anyhow, we are gonna take off, so, do you wanna grab a lift?

No, I should get her home.

Let's, let's get you a cab. We're gonna settle up.

Settling.

Yeah, whatever.

-[Chip] See you. -[Sophia] Bye.

-She hates me. -[Chip] No, she's...

She's just more comfortable with livestock.

[both laugh]

-[clears throat] -[Sophia sighs]

This was fun. We should do it again.

Yeah. Why don't you come to my farm?

You can see what we do.

Why?

What do you do?

-I don't know. -[chuckles]

Hey, can you change my ringtone back?

-[cell phone ringing] -No.

[Chip] I don't know how to work these things.

No.

[Sophia] It'll grow on you.

[Chip] Come on.

♪ We in this club And all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I like it like that

[Mrs. Marshall] Ah.

-[Mick chuckles] -Hello.

Is she coming down any time soon?

She's a little bit of a sleepyhead this morning.

[Buck] Hey, Zach, you want a beer?

-I'm good. -[can thuds, hisses]

[sizzles]

Let me guess, petro-chicken?

Yeah, virtually cooks itself.

[flames roar]

Huh.

Good news about that Senate hearing going away.

Yeah, but, Buck, let's not talk shop.

This is a social call.

Yeah, good idea.

Well, it's good news on the Senate hearing.

Why didn't you come over last night?

I was working late. Sorry.

I've been calling you.

I know.

That's me calling you back.

-[indistinct chatter] -[Mrs. Marshall laughing]

[Zach] They're really seared, the outside,

-that it's a really nice kinda-- -That's what's called--

That's what's called black and blue.

-[Zach] Yeah, right. -Black and blue.

[Mrs. Marshall] That is right, black and blue.

[Buck] Honey, you were great on The Morning Show.

-Thank you. Thank you. -[Mrs. Marshall] Oh, honey.

-I was so proud. -So, we're up to

-eight wings now... -Thank you, Mom.

-[Buck] Right. -[Mick] ...Buck.

And we're going for 12 next year.

-Twelve wings? -Definitely, we can get 12.

[Mick] I got this idea about, uh,

-chicken wings, -[cell phone chimes]

-chains, restaurant chains. -[Buck] Uh-huh.

[Sophia] I mean, you're kind of always right.

[Mick] With chicken wings.

[Mrs. Marshall laughs]

[Sophia] I don't know if I wanna hear this story.

-[Mrs. Mitcherson] You don't. -[Sophia] I--

[women laugh]

[Mick] So, let me tell you.

[Buck] Yeah, go ahead.

[Sophia laughs]

-[Buck] Don't stop now. -[Mick] We actually met

in a bowling alley.

In the back of the bowling alley.

[Sophia] Oh!

[Buck] On the next episode of Farmed and Dangerous.

What's your plan?

My plan is to get their chief scientist,

some guy named Van Riefkind to share his secrets with us.

[Chip] We have to prove that PetroPellet is unsafe.

The Megafarm.

It's like the Death Star for cows.

Yeah, how did it go at Chip's petting zoo,

is he coming around?

[Sophia] Well, it's a bit complicated.

[camera shutter clicking]

You should leave.

Things are pretty tense around here.

Dairy from Animoil's cows

could be on the shelves in weeks.

If you thought the cow video was a wake-up call,

wait 'til the media gets ahold of this.

[sirens wail]

[upbeat music]

♪ Dreams that I get But you sleep easy ♪

♪ While I'm completely Caught up in your web ♪

♪ Like it was the Internet

♪♪

♪ Big dimes

♪ I know you think You're big time ♪

♪ Have so many that you have To have the dollar sign ♪

♪ How many homes you gotta break Before you're satisfied ♪

♪ You make me sick, sick

♪ You say it so sweetly

♪ It's easy to believe it

♪ But all of it's lie

♪ Lie, yeah, yeah

♪ Wrap it up so pretty

♪ Underneath it's really

♪ Not as advertised