Original subtitles

Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat.

Archie the manager speaking.

Duffy's out of town.

Oh, hello, Duffy.

Duffy?!

When did you get back?

Well, yeah but I thought

you were still up in Canada with that bad case of hay fever and Mrs. Duffy.

Yeah, well, tell me how is the fat and buxom Mrs. Duffy?

She gets fatter, huh?

Well, that's matrimony, Duffy.

You marry an armful and you wind up with a roomful.

You what?

You're sending Miss Duffy down to look at the books?

Why?

Now look, Duffy.

Just because you are a crook. Don't think that every -

how Duffy, no intense offended.

Now Duffy, you know your hay fever. Don't get excited.

Gesundheit.

Now Duffy, stop flying into a transom.

Duffy, I'll call you back.

Duh, Arch.

So Miss Duffy is coming down to look at the books, eh?

What have I got to worry about?

What do you got to worry about?

Yeah?

Mr. Archie, while Duffy was in Canada,

did you hire 14 of your friends to work here as waiters?

Yeah.

And did you pay him with Duffy's money?

Yeah.

And is Miss Duffy coming down here to look at the books?

Yeah.

That's what you have to worry about.

Eddie.

You and your witty sizzms.

Look.

These guys before the war started, these guys worked in a record factory.

They was me pals.

- They et here regular, right? - Right.

Right.

And Arch ain't the kind of guy that let's down his pals, does he?

Right.

So I think it is my own prenegative

if I wish to take care of a few of me friends

until the factory reopens up again.

If the factory reopens up again.

If the factory.

Look. Who owns the National Phonograph Record Company?

P.J. O'Malley.

And who is the father of the girl

that I intend to make me future intended sprouse?

P.J. O'Malley.

So?

Eddie, don't be such a septic.

P.J. himself says to me

he says "Archie."

That's you, huh?

Yeah.

He says... certainly... he says,

Archie, our troubles may be over today.

It all depends on a certain little enterprise.

Enterprise?

Yeah, enterprise.

Enterprise. Black Gold. And Sun Bonnet.

Say there.

At the three-quarters, it's Enterprise by a length.

- Enterprise. - Black Gold.

Come on, you Enterprise. Come on.

Into the-stretch.

It's Enterprise, Black Gold and Sun Bonnet.

With Cloverdale coming up on the outside.

At the finish.

It's Cloverdale by a length. Black Gold, second.

And Sun Bonnet is third.

It's official.

The time 1:36 and three-fifths.

The winner Cloverdale paid $18.60.

May I use is your outside phone a minute, please?

I'll connect you. Park Villa.

On 7, Peggy, it's your father.

Thanks.

Hello, Pop.

Where are you?

Did you see the banker?

Yes. I'm in his office now.

What'd he say?

Oh, everything's gonna be all right.

All the money I need.

Just as soon as I find the shellac.

I'll tell you all about it at dinner.

Oh, swell, Pop.

Where will we eat?

Oh, not again?

All right.

Meet you at the tavern.

When she sees who me own private friends are.

And how they send me their own private autographs.

Uh.

How ought I sign this one?

Duh, how about da groaner?

Yeah yeah.

Not so much familiarity and just enough contempt.

The only contempt you got to worry about

is in court the day after Miss Duffy sees them books.

Eddie.

Leave us not burn our bridges until we come to them.

Besides uh.

I got bigger things on me mind tonight.

Such as?

Get a load of that?

Hmm.

What do you say, Finnegan?

Thanks, Arch. But I'm too young to get married.

Not you, Finnegan.

Miss Peggy O'Malley happens to be quite charming.

And tonight is the night.

There you are.

That tie's kinda loud, ain't it?

It quiets down when I wear the shirt that matches it.

Eddie, where's the bay rum?

We use it all up in the Cuba Libre.

Oh.

Well, I guess it don't make no difference

how you smell when you got what I got.

Maggotism, fellas.

Personal Maggotism.

Hi, Arch.

Hey, fellas, look who's here.

It's Danny Murphy.

How are ya? How are ya?

What are you, furloughed?

Yeah. Permanent. They tell me I can't fly anymore.

Oh, yeah you're okay now, huh?

- Oh, yeah, sure, Arch. - Swell, kid.

Look tell me what is this, a gag?

Uh.

Come on in the back room. I'll give you the lowdown.

Come on, fellas. It's time for dinner anyway.

Danny Murphy's back.

Hey, if you don't mind, I'd like a bowl of soup.

Okay. I'll be with you right after dinner.

O'Malley could open the factory if he really wanted to.

You can't blame O'Malley, Danny.

You know you can't make records without shellac.

And the Army's got it all.

- Who says so? - O'Malley.

But he's expecting some any day now.

Danny, Danny, my eye. You know O'Malley.

You could sit here for a lifetime.

So it takes a little time to find shellac. So what?

Rome wasn't burnt in a day.

In the meantime, I want you to stay right where youse are.

The policy of Duffy's Tavern is that Duffy takes care of his pals.

That's pretty swell of Duffy.

Certainly.

Of course, he don't know about it yet.

- Mr. Archie. They're here. - Who?

Oh, that certain socialite and your future sprouse.

Oh, uh. Pardon me, fellas. I got a little business -

Wait a minute, Arch. Let's get this straight.

I'll be right out, Eddie.

Peggy, please.

Night after night, begging this food from Archie.

Doesn't it do anything to you?

It's a little heartburn sometime.

Besides, dear, I told you I'd pay him back.

We could pay him now

if we didn't put every cent I make into keeping up that house.

And you didn't have to have steak and champagne every night.

I've got to keep up a front.

I mean Archie doesn't mind extending a little credit.

Especially where you're concerned.

That's another thing.

Well, good evening.

May I welcome you once again to these humble archives.

Good evening, Archie, my boy.

Hello, Archie.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you uh -

For me lady.

And may I say that you're looking pretty as the picture tonight?

Pretty as a picture.

Oh, what a lovely thought.

Archie, you could turn the head of Cleopatra herself.

Who?

Cleopatra.

A New York girl?

What a sense of humor.

Yes.

Oh, I bet you were a killer in your history class.

History?

Uh, well, I was only the class valedictory.

Oh, according to me on prof.

That's a nickname for professor.

Oh, I didn't know.

Yeah yeah. That's what we always used to call him when I was at Harvard.

Harvard?

Yeah.

Archie, are you a Harvard man?

Heavens, yes.

As a matter of fact, my grandfather was the one of the flounders of Harvard.

- No. - Hmm.

Brilliant professor, me grandfather.

Could read and write like a whiz.

Uh.

What's the matter, P.J.? You look incredible.

Don't I seem to reflect Harvard?

Oh, certainly, certainly.

Everything you are today is a reflection on Harvard.

Let's eat. Thanks.

I used to love it up there.

Good old Leroy.

And I was quite a student too, you know.

I took almost every subject.

The biology. Trigomometry.

Physics. Rithmetic.

Alberchure.

Calcium. Jim.

So you see, Miss O'Malley, you ain't brushing elbows with no bum.

Me old pal Bing Crosby.

Always trying to get me to come out the Hollywood

to get engaged to one them cinnamon stars.

I guess a guy can do alright right here in little old New York, huh, P.J.?

Hey, look, Mr. O'Malley.

There's something that I've been trying to tell you all night.

Some other time, Archie.

Okay.

Shall we say tonight about 9:00?

I'm sorry, Archie. I'm afraid I...

All right, Archie. Nine o'clock will be fine.

Good.

As I said, it's something that I'm trying to tell you.

And there's something I've been trying to tell you too, Archie.

Yeah? All right.

That's swell.

- See youse later. - See youse later.

You see, Eddie.

Maggotism.

Personal Maggotism.

You gotta save some of that Maggotism

for when Miss Duffy gets her look at the books.

D'oh well, if it ain't Miss Duffy.

Hello, Finnegan.

Duh, just a minute.

Is this man following you?

Why, do you think I'd be walking this fast?

Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize.

I almost made a mistake.

So did I.

Did you have a good time on your vacation, Miss Duffy?

Oh, yes, Finnegan.

The part I enjoyed I liked.

The parts I didn't enjoy I didn't like.

That is as much as the part I liked.

Duh, what part did you like?

- The travel. - Travel?

Oh, yes, travel is wonderful, Finnegan.

It's really the only way to go anyway.

Yeah I'm going to try it the next time I take a trip.

And hello, Eddie.

Miss Duffy.

And where may I ask is our so-called manager?

Mr. Archie?

I think he's in conference back there.

Please inform him of my presence here.

Yes.

But Danny, do you have to see O'Malley tonight?

Why not?

Well, I got certain personal reasons.

And leave me assure you that if these personal reasons work out -

Mr. Archie.

Don't bother me now, Eddie.

If these personal reasons work out, then O'Malley will get the shellac.

Now don't go upsetting everything tonight.

- Mr. Archie, she's here. - Who's here?

Miss Duffy!

Miss Duffy?

Ee good gad, man.

Fellas, I'll be with you in a second.

Eddie, give the boys a cup of coffee, huh?

Well, what do we do now?

Hello, Miss Duffy.

Gee, I'm glad to see you.

You're a sight to give a person sore eyes.

How have you been?

Archie, what's the matter? You're shaking like a leaf.

Just a habit from punching the cash register so much.

Business certainly ain't giving you no palsy tonight.

Oh, well, it's a little empty now.

But that's an account of the opera crowd ain't arrived yet.

Archie, I'm not blind.

And Papa sent me down here to look at the books.

Books uh. Look Miss Duffy. Did you have a good time in Canada?

How are things?

How is the manpower situation up there?

Men? What men?

I didn't see hide nor hair of them.

All baldies, huh?

Whoa, very funny.

Now if you don't mind, Archie. The books.

Oh, what else did you see when you was up there?

Did you see this quintuplets?

Oh, yes.

You should have seen them.

Sitting there staring at my Pop. And my Pop staring at them.

Who paid who?

Hey, Arch, how's for a cup of coffee?

Oh, sorry. Federman, we're all out of coffee.

Archie.

What's going on in there?

I forgot to tell you, Miss Duffy.

We got a new room back there.

The Louie the fourteenth room.

And who may I ask shares the occupancy of that room?

Fourteen guys.

All named Louie?

Well, no. A couple of them we just call Lou.

They're soldiers.

They used to work at the record factory.

And they been away since the outbreak of the duration.

- Fourteen soldiers? - Yeah.

- All men? - Yeah.

Oooh. Very interesting.

Yeah, very.

But Archie, the factory's closed.

Aren't these men out of work?

Well, uh, only partly.

They're waiting.

And decent?

More or less.

Archie, does Papa know about all this?

Well, Miss Duffy, after all, a bunch of guys go out and fight a war.

Archie, does Papa know about this?

No, and he don't have to unless it's a certain

near-relative just happens to shoot off her big mouth.

Archie, I'm gonna tell.

Go ahead and tell him. I ain't ashamed.

Any decent American citizen'd do the same thing

if he had an ounce of red blood in his corpse suckles.

Don't worry about it, Arch.

He'll get paid back every cent.

Archie, I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

I ain't worried, Danny.

I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

Hey, where are youse guys going?

Get a little fresh air. We'll see you later.

Oh.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Oh, Sgt. Murphy.

May I present you with Miss Duffy, daughter of the establishment.

- Well. - Likewise I'm sure.

Do you intend to locate permanent in the neighbourhood, sergeant?

It's possible.

I might I say the Army's loss is our gain.

That's possible too.

See you around.

Too bad you have to tell your old man.

Means we'll have to get rid of them guys.

Archie, did you say there were 14 of them?

Yeah.

Oh. 14 to 1.

Not bad odds, huh?

Archie, those men have just got to be fed.

It's a patriotic duty.

Oh, but Miss Duffy. What about the books?

Eh, what a person don't know don't hurt him.

And I think I know the homme to whom you refer.

Good night, Archie.

Good night, Miss Duffy.

Maggotism.

Boy, I'm loaded with it.

Come on, Pop. What did they say at the bank?

Oh.

I got it right here in my pocket.

Came this morning.

Look. I'll show it to you.

All the credit the name of O'Malley commands.

Why, that's wonderful.

It won't be long now.

Frankly, I didn't think you were going to get the money.

What's that you always say?

A man has enough enterprise -

Oh, oh oh.

What's the matter?

Uh eh uh ohhhh.

Look who's here.

The boys from the plant.

- And oh dear, it's Murphy. - Hmm.

Plain unadulterated trouble.

Well, boys. What a pleasant surprise.

Hiya, Lefty.

Hello, Chuck.

Tom Shoree.

Gee, I'm glad to see you.

Peggy, go put on some tea and cake.

Don't bother. It's not a social call.

We're here on business.

Oh.

Well.

Is there anything in particular, boys?

Just one little question.

Just one little question?

When does the plant open?

I'm glad you asked that question, boy.

You don't ask questions, you never learn anything.

As president Millard Fillmore once -

O'Malley are you looking for shellac?

Looking?

Me?

With a Bing Crosby master just lying there crying?

Where are you looked?

Well, I -

I went down to the place over by the -

And they sent me back down to the -

Uh.

And they told me that -

Well, it'll be any day now.

You guys want to stake your future on this double-talk, okay.

I know what I'm doing.

Don't worry, Pop.

Murphy.

Wait a minute.

Mind if I walk along?

Sidewalk's public.

You're quite a fighter, aren't you?

Hot-headed too.

The name is Murphy.

Mine's O'Malley.

What does that make us besides Irish?

What's your first name?

Danny.

I like the way you talk, Danny.

So?

Nothing. I just thought you made a lot of sense.

Thanks. I'll go to the head of the class.

Oh, look, I know how you feel.

But why take it out on my father?

Who's responsible?

Well, maybe he hasn't looked hard enough for the shellac but he's an old man.

Sometimes he lets things slide.

This time he slid right out of business.

Well, that's not true.

I just saw a letter he got from the bank.

He can have all the credit he wants.

If only someone would go out and find the shellac.

Believe me, if I were a man, I'd -

I wonder what it's like inside.

Let's take a look.

I can't still have confidence in your old man.

Feels like coming back to your girl and finding out she's not your girl.

Pretty sad, isn't it?

Yeah.

You should have seen this place when it was really humming.

Mac and Chuck over there the stampers.

Lou and Joe in there making the biscuits.

- Biscuits? - Yeah.

That's what they press the records from.

Made out of clay and guess what?

Oh, don't tell me - shellac.

That's all right.

The cause of all our trouble.

It has to come all the way from India.

Danny, there must be some of it getting through.

Yeah, possibly.

Over there is where the whole thing starts from the studio.

They make the master recording on wax.

These are the presses.

When we're going full blast,

these babies can turn out five or 600 records an hour.

Come over here. I'll show you the playback room.

- Hello. Arch. - Hello, Finnegan.

How do you like it?

Duh, you're perfectly studded.

Thank you.

Any news, sir?

Last week.

Hey, going out with a girl, okay?

What else?

Know what they say, Finnegan?

In this spring, a young man thoughts turn to something a little fancy.

Peggy O'Malley?

Yep. Peggy O'Malley.

First girl I ever really want to marry.

D'oh yeah?

But what about Emma Tepic or Pinky Yarbock, Tessy Mernowitz?

Playthings.

This one is different.

She's so lovely, so fragile.

Kind of a girl you really want to place on a pedestrian.

Hey, Arch.

How are you gonna get O'Malley's consent?

Oh, diplomacy, Finnegan.

The diplomat always carries his diploma.

But Arch.

You don't drink.

But O'Malley does.

Touche?

Dunk. Good luck to you, Arch.

Have a cigarette, P.J.

Oh, thanks.

Hey.

It's a very fine drink.

What am I drinking, Archie?

- Brandy. It's quicker. - Huh?

I mean it's better with soda.

Try it with soda. Brandy and soda.

Oh, yeah.

Brandy and soda.

Yeah, that's much better.

That really makes the drink.

Yeah.

What were we talking about, Archie?

We were talking about the plans for me marriage.

Woman of man.

Ohhhh, it's a wonderful thing, marriage.

Yeah, now you take me.

I was married for 25 years.

No, don't take me.

Look. P.J.

Leave us review the status of the quo.

Do I marry the girl or don't I?

Uh, did you get her father's consent?

This is what I am trying to do.

What did he say?

What did he say?

I don't care what he said. You're too good for her.

The man is a dipsonomiac.

Look. P.J.

Think clear now.

Think clear.

Archie. Peggy. Wedding bells.

Yes or no?

Do you know what I think?

What?

I need another little drink.

P.J., I'm asking you for the last time now.

Do I marry your daughter or don't I?

Now yes or no?

If I had another little nip, I think I'd say yes to anything.

- You would? - Yeah.

Ohhh.

And you'll never regret it, dad.

Ah, just what we need.

A little drink to celebrate.

I never touch the stuff.

But you can drink for the both of us, I'm sure.

Hey, Arch. Drink with me or I don't drink.

And if I don't drink, the whole thing is off.

Hmm. Well, you leave me with no alternate.

Atta boy.

Here's to your lady.

Two of the nicest guys that I ever met.

To Archie.

Dad.

I can't figure myself out.

First night I'm back.

Moon in my eyes.

Girl in my arms.

What's on my mind?

Shellac.

What are you going to do about it?

You sure you saw that letter from the bank?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Tomorrow, I'll get those guys out of the tavern.

Any shellac around, we'll find it.

Danny, that's wonderful.

Let's go tell Pop.

Yeah let's... right away.

New Guinea was never like this.

Neither with New York.

You know what?

What?

Murphy was never like this either.

Neither was O'Malley.

Why shouldn't you marry Peggy if you wanna?

That's what I say.

Why shouldn't I?

Still on the other hand, when you come to think of it.

Why should you?

Certainly. Why should I? Certainly.

- Certainly. On the other hand. - Certainly.

Glad we see eye-to-eye.

Ohh.

When I think of my little Peggy married. Boo hoo.

P.J., I don't want you to feel like you're losing a daughter.

I want you to feel you're gaining a son.

Well, I started to feel I was losing a daughter.

I'll drink to that.

Just remembered.

Remembered some beer in the ice box.

Let's fill 'er up.

Nope.

No beer.

P.J., you're extravagant.

Extravagant?

You forgot to turn the little light off.

Ohh, don't be silly.

Close the door. Light goes off.

How do you know?

I saw it once in a movie.

Look. I'll show you.

You open the door.

Light goes on.

Close the door.

Light goes off.

How do you know?

Look.

When do you have to look at the stuff?

When the door's open.

When don't you?

When the door's closed.

You close the door.

Light goes off.

How do you know?

You're the dumbest son... in-law I ever had.

Now look.

See for yourself.

Well?

Didn't see it go off.

Better let me try.

Didn't see it.

How we gonna find out?

Let's sneak up on it.

What the heck?

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna settle this thing once and for all.

I've always wondered about this thing.

And now I'm gonna make sure.

I'll get in here.

Now you close the door and count up to three.

Then I'll do something.

Okay.

One.

Two.

Three.

The light go off?

I couldn't see. My glasses got all steamed up.

Yeah let me try it.

You didn't give me a chance.

Yeah.

Here. Now close the door.

Now one two three.

And open it quick.

All right.

One.

Two.

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

I think you're leaning against the doorbell.

All right. I guess I better be going.

Oh, no.

Stay where you are.

Take your time.

Go right ahead.

Don't mind me.

Come on, Archie.

Why wouldn't you come? I'm in with no hope.

Come on. You've got to go home.

Get out of here quick.

Good night, Danny.

Go get back in there.

But I'm frostbit already.

I'll defrost you.

Oh, Pop.

Yeah.

Brace yourself for some wonderful news.

News?

The boys are going out tomorrow look for shellac.

I know they'll find it.

And so do I.

I mean, will they? Do you think so?

Of course. Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, that's won -

Ants.

I'll have to spread some powder.

Now you run upstairs.

You have a hard day tomorrow.

Good night, Pop.

What about Archie? Did you take care of him?

Now don't worry. He's on ice.

Come on, Archie. Get out of there. You all right?

O'Malley if I die from pneumonia tonight,

you're gonna hear from me in the morning.

Sober up, Archie.

Sober up. We're in trouble.

Terrible trouble.

What's the matter?

Don't ask questions.

Just go on home and pray that it doesn't happen.

Pray that what don't happen?

I got a letter from the bank and they won't give me any more credit.

So just pray that the boys don't find the shellac.

Pray they don't find the shellac?

Yeah. Certainly.

See you at the wedding day.

- Yeah good night, Arch. - Good night.

Be careful of that back step there. Don't fall.

He must be drunk.

Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat.

Oh, hello, Duffy.

Duffy, I got some news for you.

Huh?

You what?

You got a bill from the butcher this morning for $600?

The money, uh?

Well, Duffy we spent quite a bit of money

fixing up the place while you was away.

We re-desecrated it.

Well, Duffy, you ought to see it.

It's now the kind of a place

that a guy don't have to be ashamed to bring his own wife.

Well, you're different.

You can be ashamed to bring your wife any place.

Now Duffy, don't get excited.

Gesundheit.

Duffy, will you - will you stop?

Gesundheit.

But... but... you can't do that.

Duffy, you can't do -

well, it ain't ethical.

Now look, Duffy.

Hello?

Holy cats.

What's the matter now?

He's sending down a guy to look over the books. His CPA.

One of them satisfied public accountant.

Eddie, what are we gonna do?

Your intended father-in-law better find that shellac and today.

Yeah he better.

Holy cow.

Now what was I was supposed to pray shouldn't happen today?

Oh, thanks.

Park Villa.

Betty Hutton?

I'm sorry Miss Hutton can't be disturbed.

Ray Milland? I think you'll find him in Mr. Crosby's room.

Yeah they're all here.

Some kind of a bond show.

Oh, Danny, you found it.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Gosh, dad will be so happy.

Meet you at the tavern right away.

Watch my board for me, will you, Grace?

G'Morning, Archie.

Oh, hello, P.J.

How you feeling this morning?

Not so good.

I guess it was the soda.

It hit me too.

Oh, did Murphy and the boys find the shellac?

How should I know?

And by the way,

what was it you told me last night I was to pray shouldn't happen today?

Don't you remember -

Good news, O'Malley.

All the shellac you can use. Look at that!

Europa!

You know what this means, P.J.?

It means that the boys can go back to work.

I pay back Duffy.

And all you've got to do is go down to the bank and -

What's the matter?

I just remembered what it was I was supposed to pray shouldn't happen today.

What are you talking about?

Uh.

You knew this all the time.

Then the shellac was just an excuse.

Believe me, Murphy, I tried every which way to raise that money.

I even - Never mind.

Danny.

Here.

Don't lose it. It's your meal ticket.

Now look what you done?

The CPA coming down to look at the books. And I'm $1200 short.

$1200 of Duffy's money.

Duffy's money?

What's money to Duffy?

What's money to Duffy?

He can't take it with him.

There is one guy if he can't take it with him, I guarantee he don't go.

You don't know that Duffy.

That dirty double-crossing cheap chiseling no-good -

I was only kidding, Duffy.

Now look, P.J.

You got me out of this. Now you gotta get me into it.

Calm down, Archie.

Remember it's always darkest just before dawn.

Darkest before dawn?

Here I am on me way to jail and he's giving me perverbs.

Wait a minute, Archie.

There may be a way out.

What do you mean?

Duffy would not send his son-in-law to jail.

You ever seen that dame in the morning?

But this is morning.

That's what I mean.

Besides, what about Peggy and me betrothed?

Archie, would you want to go through life

only seeing your wife on visiting days?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

But when you tell Peggy, break it to her kind of gentle.

She may never get over this.

But I'll try.

Hmm.

Well.

Here goes.

Uh, Miss Duffy, uh, could I see you in private for a second?

Why certainly, Archie.

Over in the booth.

Eddie, two beers.

Make mine a double.

Good luck, Archie.

Thanks.

Miss Duffy, do you find me completely repulsive?

Well, no, only moderately.

- Good. Then there's hope. - For what?

For Cupid's bow to tie our hearts together. Miss Duffy.

Marriage, Archie?

You and me?

Why not?

After all, woman needs man and man must have his mate.

That no one can deny.

Isn't it awful sudden, Archie?

No I've been thinking about it the last ten minutes.

What?

I love you, Miss Duffy.

I'm sorry, Archie.

You're barking up the wrong girl.

But - but you gotta marry me.

What do you mean, I gotta?

Well, you've just gotta, that's all.

Archie.

How come you're so this way about me when I heard

you was so that way about a certain other party?

Well, I'm changing horses in midstream.

Sorry, Archie.

You'll have to find yourself another horse.

You won't have me?

No.

You sure?

Positive.

Looks like 20 years.

On the other hand, it might have been for life.

Well?

She made me the happiest man in the world.

Turned you down, huh?

Now what are we gonna do?

Don't worry. I'll think of something.

I got one here that looks pretty good.

I hope you're satisfied.

It wasn't bad enough to make a fool out of me with that letter.

But to let them sit around and think they were going back to work.

When all the time you knew they - - I know.

There isn't a thing I wouldn't do to make it up to them.

Believe me.

If I could open the plant tomorrow, I'd give them all an interest in it.

And a worthwhile interest too.

You mean that, P.J.?

I certainly do.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Means the guys own a factory. They go back to work.

Archie, we still have to pay for the shellac.

Oh, yeah?

Pretty lucrative amount too, ain't it?

Yeah, over three thousand.

Three thou -

Where we gonna raise that kind of dough?

D'oh, how about we run a shower?

Oh, no.

Hey, but that gives me an idea.

What about a raffle?

Three thousand dollars with a raffle?

Duh, how about bingo?

Naw, that's no good.

Wait a minute. I got it.

A block party.

A block party?

Like the steam fitters and welders had last year up on 18th Street?

Yeah but they are the big show. Rudy Vallee.

So what? We'll have a big show too.

Peggy, what about all the movie stars down at your hotel?

I don't know them personally.

I only work at the switchboard.

Well, who can we get that knows them?

That's what we need.

Personal contacts.

Dat's easy.

Arch knows Bing Crosby.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah.

If we can only tell our story to some of them stars.

I bet you there ain't one of them that'd turn us down.

Yeah, if we could only get up there.

Hey.

P.J., suppose you wanted to get into a place.

And you couldn't through the front door, what would you do?

Try the back door.

After you.

Here's the elevator here.

What floor did you say again?

Thirty-six.

Hey, hey.

Hi.

Where do you think you're going?

36th floor.

You can't get off the 36th floor.

All right. We'll go to the 35th and walk up.

No. Let's go to 37 and walk down. It's easier.

Eh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You work here?

No, I'm going up to see a guy social.

Well, this is the service elevator. You'll have to go through the lobby.

Yeah but not -

Don't argue with me. Move along.

Just a second, bud.

We're American citizens.

Well, so am I.

Got no answer to that.

Okay.

Let's grab a quick lunch.

Okay.

Thirty-six.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is Clark.

Get me Regan on the 36th floor.

What?

Park Villa.

Painter's uniforms?

Hey, a couple of crooks just moved up to the 36th floor.

You can't miss them. They're dressed like painters.

Bill Demarest!

Did you do this, Rembrandt?

Don't look like my work.

Never mind.

It's white paint.

Bill Demerest.

AHHHHHH!

Come on, come on. We got ya.

What are you doing in there?

Come on. Talk.

Talk!

Why, Mr. Demarest.

What happened?

Somebody ought to tell those dames they're in the wrong place.

Hey, you!

Hey! Come on, boys.

Come in here. Quick.

- Oh, how do you do? - How do you do?

- Pleased to meet you. - Pleased to meet you too.

What a hunk a punk-ree-tude, huh?

- Don't you know who that is? - Who?

Paulette Goddard.

Let's get her for the benefit.

Okay.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Come on.

Say, what do you they this is, an induction center?

I beg your pardon.

That's quite alright. Come back at four. We're serving tea.

Yes, ma'am.

That way.

Thanks.

Archie, look down there.

I can't. I suffer from hyper-phobia.

Yeah, well, I'd rather be a mule.

Oh. Let's try this room here.

Hope nobody's taking a bath in here.

Tonight, we blow up Grand Central Station.

Eric.

Shut up, you fool.

They're watching. You shouldn't have come.

Plans have changed. We gotta act fast.

When?

Tonight.

Post office?

Theater.

Spies.

But Eric. Are we ready?

The bombs are placed.

The wires are set.

One little touch of that button.

Eric, we can't.

No. It'll be beautiful.

A blinding flash. A crash.

And then it's done.

Except for the screams and moans of those stupid people.

The raffle.

We gotta go in there and stop them.

Yeah, let me know how you make out.

But Eric, there'll be troops there. With their wives and children.

Innocent people.

They'll die like dogs.

No, no, I won't let you.

Turning soft, huh?

Well, I counted on that.

What do you mean?

You see that trunk?

I didn't send it up here for nothing.

When it leaves tonight, you'll be in it.

You - you wouldn't dare.

It's easy once you've done it.

First the arms.

Then the legs.

C'mere, Valerie.

We got to save her.

Eric, put down that knife.

Eric!

Okay, Eric, you're dead.

Okay, lady, you're safe.

Call the cops.

You're darn right. I'll call the cops.

Hello? Hello. This is Veronica Lake.

Veronica Lake?

Send the police.

There are a couple of hoodlums up here attacking Alan Ladd.

Alan Ladd?

How you doing? I'm pleased to meet you.

May we assist you.

Now please, Mr. Ladd. Don't don't get sore.

It's just a little mistake. That's all.

A mistake?

Yeah, we're here about a benefit.

When I get through with you guys, you're gonna need a benefit.

Look out, Archie. He's a killer.

Out of me way, P.J. Every man for himself.

Spread out.

There they go now.

Betty Hutton?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry I can't.

I'm having a massage.

Veronica Lake recommended a masseur.

Mm-hmm. I'll call you later.

Are you the masseur?

- Huh? - Masseur?

Masseur, huh?

Oh, oui, madame.

Parlez vous Francais?

Oh, donnez-moi un voilier Oh, hé,

Madame's French is very bad.

Leave us talk English.

Yes. Leave us.

Well, we're wasting time.

Shall we get started?

Oh, uh.

Don't you think we'd better have a little music first?

Oh, not necessarily.

The alcohol's in the closet.

What do you have for a chaser?

What do I have for a chaser?

Oh, dear.

So who's he?

Uh. It's my assistant.

Pierre.

You're his assistant?

Yeah, I assist him on every job he does.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

Veronica didn't say anything about French masseurs.

Where are you from?

Uh, Paris.

Right, Pierre?

We're a couple of parasites, right?

- Right. - Right.

You don't sound like you were ever in Paris.

Madame, I have been in Paris oftener than April.

Yeah do you know the Rue de la Paix?

Do I?

Moammar?

Do I?

The Champs-Élysées?

Do I know them?

Three of the sweetest guys that ever lived.

Gee that's funny. I could have sworn those were streets.

No.

Well, are you gonna give me a massage?

Massage?

Yeah, take your coat off, Pierre.

On the table here.

Shall we give her the epill-eyes?

No, we'll give her the apple-decta-nomy.

Hey, you both gonna do it?

Oui.

What am I, a project?

Please, madame.

Ouch!

Ohh!

Turn her around.

Hey, what are you guys, a couple of commandos?

Please, madame should relax.

Yeah, I'll relax.

By the way, Pierre. This is Miss Betty Hutton.

Betty Hutton!

- Well, how do you do? - How do you do?

Ouch!

Hey, I asked for a massage. Not an amputation.

Let's turn her over.

No. She ain't done on this side yet.

Hey, save a leg for me.

Now who's that?

Oh, that's his assistant.

I'm the masseur. Miss Lake sent me.

Masseur? Then who are you?

Me? I'm - I'm leaving.

Hey, wait a minute.

Grab 'em.

Stand back. Stand back.

Over here.

Officer.

I want to prefer charges against these men.

Look. We just come down here about a benefit.

You guys will get a benefit all right... about 40 years.

I ain't gonna live that long.

Just wait a minute. You don't understand.

Oh, Miss Hutton, you've got to help us.

It's about a benefit to put returning soldiers back to work.

Come on, sister.

Just a minute, officer.

Now what is this all about?

Well, you see, Miss Hutton...

Hey, bud.

Where are the dressing rooms?

Well, the dressing room -

Hey, you're Cass Daley, ain't you?

That's right.

Duh. Miss Daley.

I want you to know I seen your latest picture four times.

Oh, it wasn't that good.

Duh I know.

But I kept forgetting where I come in.

Duh, geez thanks.

Thanks very much.

You talk awful funny, don't you?

D'oh, excuse me. I gotta take this to Archie.

Can we have a story, Miss Goddard?

Not right now.

How about a picture?

- After the show. - Fine.

Hello, Miss Goddard.

Hello.

You look different from the last time we met.

Oh.

Something new has been added.

Eddie, Duffy's only bluffing.

He'd never send down a CPA.

What's with you? Your mind runs along one track.

And the first stop is Sing Sing.

Ehh.

Hey, it fits.

Where'd you get it, Finnegan?

It's from my Uncle Morty, the undertaker.

The undertaker?

Is it all right?

All right?

He just took it off the guy last night.

Oh, it's all right.

Archie, come on, the show is starting.

You gotta get out and introduce the acts.

Oh, okay.

Now don't be nervous.

You don't want a CPA, Duffy.

You want the district attorney.

Yeah, it's a clear case of embezzlement.

There's $1,200 missing.

Okay.

You want him in jail tonight?

All right, all right. I'll call the police.

Swear out a warrant right now.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you don't mind me calling you that.

We got a big show here tonight.

A show that I guarantee if it was up on Broadway

and it'd walk off with the Puss-a-la prize.

Anyway the first act takes place in the office

of one of them Park Avenue psycho anomalous.

And features that lovely singing star and female chanteuse.

Miss Betty Hutton.

Now really, Miss Hutton.

I'm only a psychoanalyst.

If you want my help, you've got to cooperate.

Doctor, I'll do anything. Anything.

Just lie down on the couch and make yourself comfortable.

Now.

Perhaps you've been working too hard.

About these hallucinations.

What form do they take?

Murder, he says, murder, he says.

Is there anything wrong?

No, nothing unusual.

Suppose you just relax, Miss Hutton.

And tell me how it all started.

At the early age of three.

It first occurred to me.

A girl should always try to improve herself.

While the others played with toys.

I practiced charm and poise.

And finished Dr. Elliot's five-foot shelf.

I exercise each morning.

Cold cream my face each night.

Saw my dentist twice a year.

Curbed my appetite.

And so I modestly admit

It didn't help one single bit.

Some girls can make any man dream.

By flashing an innocent gleam.

Me, I do and hiccup. Curl my upper lip up.

Light a roman candle and scream.

I have to do it the hard way.

Some girls can wear any old rags.

And capture the wolves and the stags.

Me, I dress in sables.

Walk across the tables.

Waving three American flags.

I have to do it the hard way.

Let's say there's a dance.

They're playing a waltz.

And I want romance.

That's when I begin turning somersaults.

Some girls can keep men on their toes.

By smiling and throwing a rose.

Me, I wrack my noodle.

Whistle "Yankee Doodle."

Balancing a broom on my nose.

Oh, I'm a telling you why!

I have to do it the hard way.

My freshman year in college.

I remember I was mild.

I wore pretty clothes, got an A in Geometry.

A normal child.

But nobody wanted to date me.

I'd sit at home and dream.

So in order to get attention,

I had to scream.

The fellas liked girls who wore perfume.

So I bought Forbidden Flower.

But I had to mix it with ether.

To get them in my power.

I didn't wanna go crazy.

But I ain't kidding, Jack.

Since that time I'm telling you I'm

A raving, ranting, impetuous, panning, violent maniac.

The girls who read books and wear specs

Get fellas with great intellects.

Me, I get fanatics.

Guys who live in attics.

Yes, I even pick up the checks.

I have to do it the hard way.

Suppose there's a park.

A boy on a bench.

I'm out for a lark.

So I make him fall with a monkey wrench.

When someone like Hedy Lamarr

Steps into the swankiest bar,

All the fellas get up.

Light her cigarette up.

Me, I'd have to smoke a cigar. And then they call me a car.

Doin' everything the hard way!

And when he finished with the books, he found you were $1,200 short.

And you know Papa's temper.

He's gonna throw you in jail tonight.

Tonight?

If only there was a way we could raise the money.

We'll be making records tomorrow.

Why not tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

P.J., is Richardson still your distributor?

- Yes. - Where's the phone?

Right here in the office.

I'm interested in records, Murphy, not promises.

Deliver those Crosby platters, you'll get the money.

Mr. Richardson we've got to have the $1200 tonight.

All right. How many copies will you take? It's a guarantee.

1500.

1500 but we can't -

Okay. It's a deal.

Be at the factory in three hours and bring your checkbook.

Wait a minute, Danny.

1500 records.

In a factory that has been closed for two years.

Danny, can you do it?

What do you think, Riley?

Well, what are we waiting for?

Okay. Tell Mack and Burns to get down to the warehouse and pick up that shellac.

And gather up the rest of the boys and tell them to go down to the factory.

Okay. - Fella, you stay here and do your act.

Come on, Peggy. You can be of some help too.

Hey, wait a minute. What about the cops?

The cops?

Stale em. Keep the show going as long as you can.

Yeah, go ahead. I'll keep my eyes peeled for the John Darns.

And watch out for the cops too.

And now folks, on account of I'm the master of ceremonies here,

I think that it is no more befitting than

proper that I should tell you the joke.

So.

On me way to the theater tonight,

a panhandler comes up to me and he says:

Say bud, you got two dollars and five cents for a cup of coffee?

So I says to him coffee is only a nickel.

What's the other two dollars for?

He says sleeping tablets.

Coffee keeps me awake.

Well.

So much for humor.

The next act is a blackout.

And features Paulette Goddard.

Brian Donlevy.

And Sonny Tufts.

And laugh it up.

They're three nice kids trying to make a living. Huh?

- Has he gone? - Yes.

- Darling! - Darling!

Ohh.

Alone at last.

Isn't it wonderful?

Oh. It's the colonel.

What we do now?

Quick! Get in the closet.

Darling.

You're back so soon.

I had to come back.

I had to.

Last night I had a dream.

A terrible dream.

Darling. What was it?

Oh, it was too horrible. Too terrible.

You were here with another man.

I???

How could you even think such a thing.

I didn't think it. I dreamt it.

It was so vivid.

I can see it all now.

You were alone in this room.

Suddenly through that door came a man in uniform.

A second lieutenant.

You flew into each other's arms.

Then there was a knock on the door.

And you said it must be the colonel.

And he said what'll I do now.

And what do you think you said?

Quick, get in the closet.

No.

Well, he got in the closet.

Then you let me in.

You kissed me but -

I knew there was something wrong.

Wrong?

Right.

So what did I do?

My blood was boiling.

I walked through the closet.

I grabbed the knob.

Yanked it open.

But I couldn't look.

Of course you couldn't.

It was just a dream.

It was a nasty old dream.

Well, dream or no dream, I tell you I saw the guy.

A second lieutenant, mind you, with my girl.

My blood was still boiling.

Again.

I walked to the closet. I grabbed the knob.

I yanked it open.

But I couldn't look.

Of course you couldn't.

Because it was in your mind.

It was all in your mind.

Yeah.

That's what I tried to tell myself but -

It didn't work.

I knew there was a man in uniform in that closet.

My blood was still boiling.

No, Brian, no!

Ohh.

I walked to the door.

I grabbed the knob.

I yanked it open.

Who are you?

Captain Sonny Tufts, sir.

Naw.

The guy was the second lieutenant.

Forgive me, darling.

Darling.

They didn't show up yet, did they?

Who?

The DA's men and the cops.

No. Remember they're gonna wait to -

Oh-oh.

Now you keep out of sight.

I'll take care of this.

Oh, hello, O'Brian.

What are you doing here?

Sorry to bust things up. But he's got a warrant.

I gotta take Archie.

Oh, Archie.

- Why you could - - Orders is orders, O'Malley.

All right.

Uh, he's in his dressing room.

Come with me.

Up there. The third door on the right.

Press that button, huh?

Hey, start this thing.

Can't. No telephone.

Hey, you. Let us out of here!

I'm trying to salvage it.

Report it out of order.

Now the next act comes to you direct from Duffy's Tavern.

Where by the way you might stop in after the show for a slight snack.

And don't let them dirty windows deter you from going in.

It's really a very high-class joint.

We patronize only the best people.

Countesses.

Duchesses.

Princesses.

Uh, Dukes.

Barons.

Heavens, it's a novelty when a peasant walks in.

So as I say, the next act comes from Duffy's Tavern.

And features one of our waiters.

Johnny Coy.

And his girlfriend Miriam Franklin in a tap ballet.

Entitled Johnny Comes Marching Home.

I'll be back with youse again in a nought.

Woo woo.

Woo woo.

Okay.

Richardson is on his way down. How many we got?

About 1200.

That's not enough.

Pardon me for butting in on these acts like this.

But somebody's got to introduce them.

And potentially you know I'm beginning to like this stage stuff

now that me nostrils have taken to the smell of the grease ball.

Anyways our next stars is Eddie Bracken. Walter Abel.

Charlie Quigley and Olga San Juan.

In the sketch that takes place in the Hollywood movie studio.

Well, I think this has taken enough of me time.

Quiet!

All right. Quiet everybody.

We're ready to shoot, Mr. Sturgeon.

Get the rest of people on the set.

- Yes, sir. - Here we go, Ronny.

Yeah, let's do it.

Come on.

This is the scene.

Blackie and his mob have Gloria trapped.

She's fighting for honor.

You enter and take them on single-handed.

Seven killers against one lone man.

That's you.

The greatest fight scene ever screened.

Everything goes.

No-holds-barred.

Think you can do it?

Roll 'em.

Good ole, Ronny.

Places, everybody.

This is a picture.

Lights!

Quiet! Roll 'em!

Camera!

You gonna tell?

No. I'll never tell.

Oh, if Ronald were only here.

Gloria!

Ronald!

Unhand that little gal!

Blackie, from now on, you'll deal with me.

Cut!

Hold it.

Double, double up.

Double.

Camera.

Action!

Halt!

Ooof.

Cut! Cut!!!

Print that one.

Ronny!

That was great.

Finest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, it was nothing.

Good ole Ronny.

All right, boys. River scene.

All right, Ronny.

This is a sensational scene.

You're left alone on the desert.

For 30 days without water.

You're crazed with thirst.

You're going mad.

Suddenly you come upon Blackie and his gang.

He's your mortal enemy.

But you gotta have water.

You forget your pride.

Your fans will think you're human.

You gotta have water.

You beg him for it.

You think you can handle it?

Roll 'em.

What an actor.

All ready, Mr. Sturgeon.

All right. Camera!

Water, water.

Give me water.

What did you say?

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Cut. Hold it.

Get the double.

- Double. - Double.

Camera. Action!

Print it!

Terrific, Ronny.

An amazing performance.

Such such technique.

Such poise. Such action.

Such savoir faire.

All in knowing how.

Been doing it for years.

Are you tired?

Me? No, I feel wonderful.

All right, boys. He's a prodigy.

You're wet. How did that happen?

All right. Dry him off.

You know the next scene.

You've escaped from the desert.

You've come to see your sweetheart.

She's not there.

But Blackie and his gang are giving a party in her house.

Are you up to it?

Roll 'em!

What an actor. What an actor.

Places, everybody.

Camera!

I'm losing my patience, O'Malley.

Yeah?

I'm losing my breath.

Aw, the heck with this.

It's nerve-wracking.

I wish something would happen.

Oh-oh.

Looks like you're gonna get your wish.

Miss Duffy's heading this way.

Get out there. Introduce the next act quick.

Archie, you can't go out there now.

There's an act going on.

Yeah? Then we'll get him when the act's over.

Where's Murphy?

Danny.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, Mr. Richardson.

I'm sorry we brought you down.

I'm afraid we bit off more than we could chew.

How many of you got there?

What is it, about 1400?

That's right.

Okay.

Who do I make the check out to?

Danny!

Wonderful!

Which reminds me the next act is Cass Daley.

I realize that a beauty prize

Is something I will never will take.

I'm quite aware neither pills nor prayer.

Can rectify Nature's mistake.

I guess I'm an also-ran.

Me with my gorgeous pan.

Every time I try to get a man, he always gets away.

But you can't blame a gal for trying.

There was one who seemed to love me till I tried to name a date.

Well, you can't blame a gal for trying.

One guy almost married me the very night we met.

Then he saw me in the daylight and he ain't stopped running yet.

I may never get a sucker for this broken-down brunette.

But you can't blame a gal for trying.

Just the other day

In a small cafe.

Well, what happened to me?

He was standing there at the bar.

In his hand, a big black cigar.

He was swinging. But not on a star.

That guy was drinking like a fish.

He looked pretty high. A glow in his eye.

A gleam he could not conceal.

He said have a drink.

Then I give him a wink.

Then after this, a deal.

Down went to bourbon. Down went the soda.

Boy, I was feeling gay.

Then he put his arms around me.

And I said take your hands away.

Then his wife walked through the door.

Coming my way.

That dame looked like six-foot four.

Coming my way.

Well, she banged our heads together.

He was as soft as leather.

He was murder, jack.

Boy, was he a rougher one.

He was murder, jack.

He started throwing stuff.

And when he punched me squarely in the jaw.

You'll never know how many stars I saw.

And round and round I went.

Down and down I went.

He set me out flat on the floor.

Then he roared I'm out of ammunition.

He was bored. So he called an intermission.

I got up from my flattened-out position.

And I ran away.

I didn't sleep a wink that night.

Because my jaw was swollen tight.

I had to call the doctor that morning.

To see that everything was still all right.

And when he opened up my mouth that morning.

He said my dear, there's not a tooth in sight.

I'll never smile again.

My smiling days are through.

I'm always making up my mind to stay away from men.

But when I get see someone wearing pants, I get the same old yen.

I may wind up in another mess.

But here I go again.

Woo woo woo wool

Well, you can't blame a gal for trying.

Come on. Finish your drink and let's get out of here.

No.

I said finish your drink and let's get out of here.

I said no.

Did I see you slap that young lady?

Yes, you did.

And I'm not going home.

Let me see you do that again.

You better go with him, lady. He's liable to kick your teeth in.

Here's the check.

How do I know that Duffy'll accept this?

How do I know it's any good?

Because I say it's good.

And as my father's head cashier and main daughter,

I accept the check and withdraw the charges.

Your services are no longer requested.

Now look here, Miss Duffy.

Oh, gee, Danny. Thanks.

You're the best pal a guy ever had.

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

I do.

Archie.

We'd like you to be best man at our wedding.

- Wedding? - Yes.

Oh.

Oh, sure. I'll be glad to.

Thanks, Arch.

Come on, honey. We got a lot to talk about.

Good luck to you.

Thank you, Archie.

Gee, Archie, I'm sorry.

I thought I was going to have you for a son-in-law.

But if I ever have another daughter,

I'll do everything I possibly can for you.

Thanks, P.J.

Well.

That's that.

She was the only dame I could ever love.

Oh, there you are.

What a show.

Archie, you were wonderful.

Thank you, Miss Hutton.

You don't mind me calling you Miss Hutton, do you?

No, of course not.

Not after all we've been to each other.

Well, see you around, pal.

Okay.

It's a date.

Hey, Arch. Come on. You got to introduce Bing Crosby's number.

Oh, okay.

Now we come to the big piece of resistance.

A sketch with Dorothy Lamour, Robert Benchley and Bing Crosby.

A man who ain't the father of his country.

But you certainly got to give him credit for trying.

See you later.

How did I let myself in for this?

Which one's Crosby's house?

Crosby's house, all right.

Good evening. I'm Mr. Benchley.

Oh, of course.

Come right in, Mr. Benchley.

It's awfully nice of you to come over

this evening and look after the children.

Oh, anything for Bing.

How are things here in Boys Town?

Quite interesting.

That's what I was afraid of.

Well, Mr. Crosby told me that if I ever needed

any help I could always count on Uncle Robert.

Well, he was so right.

That's what Uncle Robert is for.

You're here to look after the children, remember?

Oh, am I?

Well, I don't get along any too well with children.

But I know Bing's are different.

Well, that's one way of putting it.

Anyway, I'll be back in a half hour.

And if anything should happen, there's iodine and bandages in the closet.

Fine.

It's not.

Wonder if this is the kids' room.

Hey.

That's the powder room, Bob?

Is it?

Then where's the kids room?

In there.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, did you speak to me?

You crazy?

Whoever heard of a picture talking?

I guess you're right.

I said you struck out.

Aw, go on.

I only took a half a swing.

Half a swing, nothing. You're out.

Yeah, you're out.

I'm not out. And I'm not gonna give up a bat.

You know the rules.

Arguing about a decision.

Now go sit in the corner.

How come I always have to sit in the corner?

I'm gonna ask Pop to change the rules.

Aw, go on!

Don't push me around.

Come come come come. What goes on here anyway?

Oh, hello, Uncle Robert.

What seems to be the trouble, my good man?

We were playing one o'clock.

He stuck out and wouldn't give up the bat.

Pop says anybody who protests a decision has to go sit in the corner.

Well, well. Why don't we settle the whole thing

by having Uncle Robert tell you a story, huh?

What kind of a story, Uncle Robert?

Well, let's see.

What about a Horatio Alger success story about the rise of Frank Sinatra?

Now see here, Uncle Robert.

That's one name we don't mention around here.

Well, I see your point.

Well, then, what about the story of your dad's life?

Hot dog.

Okay.

Now this is the house in which Bing Crosby was born.

What a thrill for the young mother.

And she tenderly pulled back the covers.

Saw her baby for the first time.

And said:

AGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

This is the little red schoolhouse where little Bing Crosby first went to school.

Who threw that?

I did, teacher.

Just for that, Harry Crosby, you're going to stay

all alone with me after school for one hour.

Make it two hours. That'd teach me.

Why, Bing.

Traitor.

See, it didn't take little Bing Crosby long

to learn that teacher is the best experience.

I mean experience is the best teacher.

Well, kids.

Little Bing Crosby started to grow up.

As with most growing children, he had an insatiable curiosity.

But luckily, he always had his father to turn to.

Papa, who discovered America?

Ehh.

I couldn't exactly say, son.

Who was our first president?

Ehh. Uhh.

Now I don't know.

How many states in the Union, Papa?

Hmmm.

Now I'm not quite certain about that, lad.

Papa, do I ask too many questions?

Not at all.

You don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything.

Hmmm.

Didn't Pop ever go to high school?

Well, he certainly did.

What a cut-up he was.

I'll never forget the outfit he put on one Halloween.

He's been dressing the same way ever since.

Did it scare away all the girls?

Au contraire. The girls were all crazy about him.

But you can hardly blame them.

Bing Crosby was known far and wide as the biggest spender in town.

Why when he took a girl out...

The usual?

Make it for two.

Are you sure you can afford it?

Nothing's too good for my girl.

Gee, Pop sure was cheap, wasn't he?

Yeah, and that was even before he met Bob Hope.

It really didn't matter though.

Even in those days,

when it came to women, he had the Crosby technique.

What does that mean?

Well, it means is when Bing Crosby sat on a girl's porch,

he made love as only Bing Crosby can make love.

- Harry. - Huh?

Do you think you could ever love me?

I don't know.

How fast can you run a mile?

Pop went to college too, didn't he?

That very year.

In fact that fall, there came to Gonzaga College.

Bing Crosby, a scholar and a gentleman.

Three fine fellows.

Aw, you should have seen Bing during his college career.

The first year.

I'm a freshman.

The second year.

I am a sophomore.

The third year.

I'm a sophomore.

The fourth year.

I'm a sophomore.

The fifth year.

I am a freshman again.

Well, three years passed but Bing didn't.

So he hopped on a train and went to New York.

Determined to make good as a singer.

New York was taken by storm.

Bing was determined.

He worked hard and became one of the Rhythm Boys.

He went to Chicago.

Chicago was taken by storm.

His rise was meteoric.

He got his first break.

A motion-picture contract.

Bing arrived in Hollywood.

California was taken by storm.

I said California was taken by storm.

Oh, well. You know California.

See what I mean?

From then on, his success was a legend.

Song after song. Picture after picture.

Bing made Hollywood history.

And then came "Going My Way."

Bing's biggest success.

"Swinging on a Star."

I'm sure happy y'all come down to rehearsal.

Now if you just take your places.

Let's see we can throw it together. Ready?

From the young ladies first.

I would like to hear a nice round musical A.

Ready? Hit it.

AAAAAAAAAAA!

Oh, we're cooked.

How about the boys?

Could you give me an athletic A?

You feel up to it, old boy?

Let's knock it. You ready?

AAAAAAAAAA!

I think I detected a clinker in there somewhere.

I'm gonna take a hack at it myself. Stand by.

Would you like to swing on a star?

How'd you like to carry moonbeams in a big fat jar?

Or be better off than you are.

Or would you rather be a ham?

A ham is an actor who believes he's adored.

Just missed the Academy Award.

His head gets bigger and his smile does too.

That's the only kind of acting he can do.

So right. If you don't mind the critics when they slam.

You might grow up to be a ham.

Or would you like to swing on the star.

Carry moonbeams home in a jar.

And be better off than you are.

Or would you rather be a bear?

A bear is an actress who can bawl with a roar.

And nobody else can have the floor.

She looks like every night is Halloween.

I think Cass Daley is the one you mean.

So if you like catching people unaware.

Hey, hey hey.

You may grow up to be a bear.

Rip!

Would you like to swing on a star?

Carry moonbeams home in a jar.

And be better off than you are.

Or would you rather be a cat?

A cat is an actress with a voice that can purr.

Providing you are very nice to her.

She can be nasty with the sweetest grin.

In other words, you mean Diana Lynn.

Hahahahal.

We must have a vitriolic chat.

You might grow up to be a cat.

Would you care to join me in the chorus?

I will if I must.

I don't want you to knock yourself out.

You think you can handle it?

Personally, I think I can do a splendid job.

You are my man.

I'll take a line. You take the next line.

Would you like to swing on a star?

Carry moonbeams home in a jar.

And be better off than you are?

Or would you rather be a lamb?

A lamb is an actress with such charming ways.

They want in all of Shakespeare's plays.

Her voice is quiet.

And she's so refined -

Are you kidding?

You lost your mind?

You better shut your trap, grab your coat and hat and scram.

Or would you rather be a lamb?

How'd you like to swing upon a star?

Carry moon - carry moonbeams home in a jar?

How'd you like -

if I soloed?

How'd you like to swing?

I'd like to swing - I'd like to swing I'd like to SWING!

Stand by. I think it can be arranged.

Or would you rather be Lamour.

Lamour is an actress and she gets reimbursed.

To let the director do his work.

She lived on islands and she sings a song.

Dead air.

And gets pneumonia in an old sarong.

If you don't care what the public must endure.

You might grow up to be Lamour.

How would you dress in any old thing?

Have a funny name such as B-b-b-b-Bing?

Have Sinatra sneer when you sing.

Oh, would you rather be a snob?

A snob is an actor tell you he's tops.

He even brags about his flops.

Now when this boy plays golf, he never count his strokes.

And that's not all. He tells those beatup jokes.

But if you're like a friend of mine called Bob.

You might grow up to be a snob.

And all the monkeys aren't in a zoo.

Every day you meet quite a few.

Step right up and say "How-de-do."

How-de-do.

Haven't we met someone far?

Boy, you were swinging on a star.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Duffy.

Duffy, we got the dough.

Oh, they told you, huh?

I can what?

Well, thank you very much, Duffy.

But I don't think I'll need the job.

I'm thinking of retiring.

Well, from the way a certain party has been reacting to me don't be surprised

if one of these days you are referring to me as Mr. Betty Hutton.

I'll call you back.

Maggotism.