Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Burn my farm...

Kill my son!

They're all bloody going to die!

Father!

Father Jeppum,

we don't know that this was the Dengdamors,

and we don't know that Panto is dead!

Panto is missing.

Want me to think

that they took him on some kind of holiday?

He said he was trying to get to the other world.

He said Wakti Wapnasi was going to help him

to fulfill the prophecy.

Our home is Inglenook,

and the Dengdamors plan on burning it all away.

It's only because of the missing boy,

Farson!

The Dengdamors think we're responsible.

If we could just find him--

Find the boy? Find the boy?

My son, your brother, is dead.

Shame you, Litzibitz!

[crowd murmuring angrily]

Shame you!

Kellum Knights!

Halt!

Father!

Pleasant evening, Sir Trost.

Did you bring the weapon you showed me?

In the box,

a gift from the Mage.

These men serve the Mage, Father.

The evil that will tear our world apart.

Abandon the prophecy.

This...

This is real.

Death to the Dengdamors!

[machine gun firing]

[cheering]

[♪♪♪]

[door opening]

Rise and shine, everybody!

We got a full of day of...

well, nothing.

But now that you guys are up, you wanna hang out?

What's happening? Are we free to go?

Just 'cause you're prisoners

does not mean you have to live like caged animals.

Actually,

the term "prisoner" literally--

Means something different today than it used to.

Words change meaning.

Like "literally,"

which now figuratively means "totally."

So it's perfectly acceptable to say--

It's too early for this.

Excuse me, Tina,

I know this is a strange ask,

but, um, do you have any clothes I could wear?

Clothes? Sure.

We got all sorts of old uniforms.

You're offering us...

police uniforms?

Old ones.

Plus, if you wanna look, Hobbs has got stuff in evidence lock-up

from the campgrounds every year after Sound of Nothing, since, like, the '80s.

And by Sound of Nothing, you mean...

It's a music festival.

You're telling me

you've got, like, vintage police uniforms,

and old rockstar, hippy clothes,

and you're just willing to let us wear them?

Yup. Wanna come on out and take a look?

Mm-hm.

Okay.

Door.

[Tina]: Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry!

[keys jingling]

Hmm.

Best case ever.

Wait, don't look yet.

Okay, come on.

It's not like I haven't seen it all before.

Not in this harsh lighting.

You look great, though.

It suits you.

This feels wrong.

I mean, yeah,

I've wanted to work in law enforcement my entire life,

just like the rest of my family, but...

I mean, a uniform is something to be... earned.

Wait...

Ma'am, do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Oh, officer, was I going too fast?

Yup.

I became a cop 'cause I love guns

every bit as much as I hate fun--

Okay, you're ruining it.

Right.

- Sorry! - Mm-hmm.

Oh... okay.

[gasping]

Would you look at that?

Whoa.

Nice chisel work, Sheriff.

Would you like to give it a try?

[Farah]: No, I'm...

I read in your file that you're trained in this stuff.

[Farah]: No, really--

Otherwise, we gotta call the coroner.

He's two hours away.

Come on. Why not?

Well, laws. All the laws, but--

- Just take it. - Yeah.

Hey!

Dirk!

We've got a dead body in a tree in here,

and they're letting us poke it.

[Todd]: Do you wanna take a look?

Um...

This is like the most Dirk-type deal I've ever seen.

I think I'm okay out here for now, thank you, Todd.

You all seem to have the tree... man under control,

so...

Maybe he's squeamish.

He's not.

[compressed air hissing]

[gasps]

Oh! What made those holes? Bugs?

No...

Look at the fissures around the hole.

It's a puncture wound.

He was already dead

when whatever put him in a tree...

put him there.

[Farah]: This was a murder.

[sighing]

Vogel, I appreciate you stealing this food for me,

but maybe let's just keep, like, a lower profile.

Right, "profile."

I know that word.

Just... less smashing.

And if anyone asks,

you can tell them that you're my, uh...

Son!

You're older than me.

Grandson!

Boyfriend.

[wailing] What!?

[yelps in horror]

Gah!

Ah!

All right, calm down, this is just rude now.

Bah...

[Friedkin]: How did you find them?

Oh, come on, finding them wasn't hard.

A rash of assaults and vandalisms by two young people clad in black.

They're traveling in a car with a "3" on it.

It's not exactly geometry.

So this has got to be Hector Cardenas then, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, both bodies are the same age,

only two miles apart.

Could whatever put him inside the tree

put the car up in the other tree?

Like some kind of tree... weapon?

I'm just spit-balling.

[Dirk]: Maybe..

it was an accident.

An accident?

Yeah, like...

they had some kind of argument,

and he got angry, and went...

inside the tree...

and then she flew her new car off

up into the...

sky...

What is going on with you?

Nothing. Fine-ness.

[bell dinging]

[dinging rapidly]

Okay, actually,

what if it were more of a case of--

Hi, Dirk.

[screams]

[bang]

I'd like to report a crime.

I want to understand, I really do,

but why is there not like, a breakdown video,

you know, just all this,

boom, ten minutes.

Done.

And it only goes back to 2005,

after the first program had already been shut down.

Where's all the other stuff, from, like, the original...

Oh, it's...

It's right here.

They never had them converted.

Apparently it wasn't a priority.

We have a drive to access these disks, but they're encrypted.

We'd have to get an authorization,

have a cyber guy sent over, fill out a full report--

Uh... Cyber, like a...

computer guy?

Like a tech...

guy?

You want me to de-encrypt

a five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy disk

from the year 2000?

Yes.

Like as an in-house,

sort of hush-hush deal.

A "hush-hush" deal.

Yeah, 'cause I don't want to ask the people above me,

the, um, the money-- you know, the supervisors,

I don't want them to know

that I don't really know what I'm doing,

so I thought this could be like a you-and-me thing.

Well, encryption on disks this old is definitely outdated.

I mean, there is a chance I could do it with the right equipment.

Okay, yeah. Anything you need, yeah.

I mean, what is this stuff?

That's the... stuff, man,

on the subjects. Marzanna--

Bart?

The whole deal,

all the people they used to keep in here.

And you're gonna give me access

to read all of that?

Yeah.

As a... favor?

Can I get out of this taxi?

[Hobbs]: So just right this way.

Right this way... uh, Madam.

Here we go.

Okay.

Okay, there, we're just gonna, you know, keep you in there,

for, uh, just for right now.

Look, this is pointless.

Nothing can keep me captured.

You think I haven't been in one of these before?

If I wanna open it,

it'll just open 'cause it's old, or broken, or whatever.

I'm not the person out there attacking people with shapes.

Hey...

do you guys know Ken?

Ken Schmidt?

6'6", red hair?

There are two Kens?

Okay, enough.

What happened to you?

Oh, I'm not talking to you.

I'm only talking to real police officers.

You know what, this woman,

she stabbed me in the leg,

so I'm not talking to you two until you--

Fine!

Fine by me.

[Todd]: Uh, Tina?

Ahem. Okay.

Whose blood is on you right now?

Okay, so I was killing people down by this hole

after I fell off my bike.

They're all dead,

but there's this woman there,

and she's screaming and crying,

and so I says to her, "I will not kill you,"

so she picks up this stick,

and she shoots these shapes into the air, and then bam!

I go down into this big hole!

I mean, what's that about, right?

Well, I didn't even kill her,

and she attacked me for no reason.

[Bart]: Have you ever had somebody attack you for no reason?

Y-You tried to kill me!

[Bart]: Dirk, I did not kill you two times.

Right now, it makes three times I'm not killing you.

I mean, we're practically best friends.

Whoa, I'm just gonna...

Hey, uh, just take a time-out here,

I want to rewind you back a little bit.

Did you say that you were killing people?

Look, I'm trying to be better.

You know? I'm trying to take control of my life.

So I'm killing some people, and not other people.

The woman who attacked you,

do you remember anything else about her?

Yeah, she had yellow hair, and she couldn't walk right,

and she made a noise like, uh...

[whining voice] "Oh, my God! Please don't kill me!"

[Bart]: Blech.

Give us a second.

We'll be right back.

Blonde hair and a limp.

That sounds like Suzie Boreton.

Yes, of course.

[together]: Who is she?

Married to Bob Boreton.

He manages the Sit and Stay Put Motel.

That's where we were staying.

Shit, I knew the name Cardenas was familiar.

It was on the sign for the motel.

That's right, they owned it in the '60s.

Yeah! Aah, man! Aah!

That's a...

This is one of the, uh...

Everything is connected?

Yes! Yes!

[Bart yells]: Arrest her and shoot her in the face!

She's... less catchy.

[strains of Mr. Sandman playing]

[♪♪♪]

[knocking]

Jeanette!

Hi! Ooh...

[squeals in excitement]

Hello, ladies.

I am so excited for book club today.

Or more like wine club, if you know what I'm saying?

[laughing]

Come on out.

Hey, Hobbs, I meant to say,

I really appreciate the "not turning us in and letting us come along" thing.

Oh, yeah, well, you know,

things get pretty slow around here.

So, let me ask you,

what, um, what's your deal?

I mean, does he, uh...

well, does he pay you?

He's my friend.

He helps me.

Or not exactly "helps," but...

It's good to know that not everything happens for a reason,

like, maybe some things do?

Huh.

Yeah, yeah...

Yeah, I like that.

[knocks]

[knocking]

Something feels strange.

That's a good sign.

It means we're close to something.

No, no, nothing holistic,

it's just, uh...

If nobody's home,

why isn't the dog barking?

Yeah, the dog should be barking its head off right now.

The dang thing is always in a tantrum.

[Todd]: Wait.

Where's Dirk?

Oh--

Excuse me.

Hello.

Sorry to interrupt your...

whatever this is,

uh, but my name is Dirk Gently.

I'm a detective working with local law enforcement.

Uh, okay, listen--

Ooh, you seem... ill.

Are you distressed, or--

okay, listen, maybe actually just very scary.

So, I, uh...

I'm-I'm here about an incident

that may have involved your wife,

and a very murdery type of person

who identifies as "Bart,"

but I'm sure you're fine, actually,

and come to think of it, I should maybe be going--

[gasps in pain]

[snarling]

[Todd]: Dirk!

[snarling]

Todd?

[Hobbs]: Bob!

Oh!

Put the gol-darn gun down, Bob.

[slurring] Trespassing.

[Hobbs]: Bob, can you hear me?

Put the goddamn gun down, Bob!

[cocking gun]

[groans]

[gun fires]

Where'd you get the brass knuckles from?

You didn't... you didn't search us.

Right.

[♪♪♪]

May I make a professional recommendation?

Let me kill Incubus Number Four.

Uh, kill him?

No, we're supposed to capture subjects.

All right.

Project Incubus was originally only three individuals.

Once we added the fourth, things got out of control,

so if things go oblong out here,

it might be a good idea to just casualty the both of them,

Incubus Four and the Brotzman girl too.

She's just a civilian.

I read in your file that you almost shot her in the head.

So why is she so important now?

We can use her to control them.

She's valuable, these people are valuable.

Yeah, well...

you're way over there, and I'm over here.

We'll see how it goes.

Yeah, well, good luck.

There's no way you're gonna be able to sneak up on them,

'cause won't the energy vampire just smell you coming?

We'll see how it goes.

The stab wounds seem random at first observation,

but they're not.

They're on the same geometric line

even though they go off in two different directions.

Hmm.

Wasn't the middle and index finger

on the other corpse broken?

Right,

but she's all broken up from the crash, isn't she?

Yeah, but those two fingers...

[clicks tongue]

Oh, never mind, it's probably nothing.

You're sad!

- What? - Is it about you and Todd?

No, we're just friends.

You and Dirk?

Oh! Are they together?

'Cause I was getting that vibe, not strongly,

but I could see how someone would, like--

No, Todd isn't...

or rather, Dirk-- I don't think he--

You know, actually, I don't know what Dirk is.

Hey, man, it's cool.

I'm bi.

No judgment here.

I just thought maybe that's why you're sad.

I'm not sad.

I'm sort of an empath.

I think?

Truth is, I'm coming out of a 10 to...

15-year dark period

where I experimented with some pretty heavy drugs.

[chuckles awkwardly]

[telephone rings]

Yeah, Hobbs?

Someone might have hit someone with their car,

but if they did, it definitely wasn't me.

Uh, who is this?

Mile Marker 127.

Scott Boreton, is that you?

Uhh!

Weird.

Who was that?

I think that was Scott Boreton,

and I think he just reported a hit-and-run.

Wanna go check it out?

[wheezing]

There ya go, Bob. You're okay.

What's wrong with him?

Well, that crack on the noggin didn't help,

but he's showing no signs of concussion, at least.

I did find these, though,

Percocet,

plus an empty bottle of wine out there.

I think he just needs to sleep it off.

I don't get it. You're not going to arrest him?

Well, no, technically, we were the ones trespassing.

He pulled a gun on us.

[Hobbs]: That's true, but he didn't...

he didn't actually shoot it at anybody.

[Todd]: Yeah, because I stopped him.

This is like my ultimate nightmare.

I'm telling a cop how to do their job.

Look, man, I'm not going to just wander around arresting everyone.

You are literally a police officer.

[Dirk]: This is connected.

[Bob snoring]

Well--

Everything in your town has gone weird in a three-day span,

and your fallback is "it's a coincidence"

when you have a man literally telling you

"I'm here to deal with all the weird coincidences."

Acknowledge and engage

the bizarre and preposterous set of events befalling you,

or be swept under them and drown!

That was a little bit harsher

than the speech you gave me, Dirk.

[front door closes]

He's got a lot on his mind.

No, no, no, that's fine. I understand.

[police radio crackles]

[Tina]: Farah's making me call you.

Why?

Well, we had to go out on a call,

and the prisoner, Bart, we left her alone.

Well, now, Tina, you left the dang prisoner alone?

Well, we got a call!

Heckin' dang it. Okay, come on, we gotta go.

Tina...

[tsks] Happy now?

Weed gummy?

[Tina]: You don't mind holding my gun, right?

[pained] No.

It hurts when I'm driving.

That's 'cause it's a bad holster for you.

For your body type,

you'd need a shoulder holster or a sling.

[chuckles and snorts]

Man, how do you remember all this stuff, huh?

My father.

When I was young, he put me in classes.

For all sorts of advanced placement.

He'd teach me some of them.

It was fun.

Sounds intense.

I like intense.

Hey, there it is.

[Tina]: Mile marker 127.

Gun.

Someone was struck by a car right here.

That looks like blood.

Hey...

Whoever it was came from here.

Look.

These footprints are distinctive.

Yup, I've seen these before.

These are the same shoes

leading out of the Cardenas farmhouse.

Wouldn't a normal person who gets hit by a car

stay on the road?

This person just walks off into a field.

All right, come on.

We can follow the crooked stems

through the high grass.

Your dad teach you this one too?

No.

This was the Army Rangers.

Power Rangers?

[muttering] Army Rangers...

[Woman]: Who saw last night's episode of That is Them?

Don't say another word!

I'm not caught up.

Jeanette, you can't fall behind!

The best thing about book club is talking about TV.

[laughing]

[Suzie sighs dramatically]

Is something wrong?

No.

Nothing.

I mean...

Look at me!

[Suzie giggles]

Guys, come on.

Look at me!

Yes, we've seen you.

So, why haven't you said anything?

Frankly, we don't know what to say.

It's bizarre.

And you know you're not invited to book club anymore.

I mean, it's worrying,

you coming in here like this,

like you're having some kind of psychiatric breakdown.

"Worried"?

Now you're worried about me?

You've never cared about me.

None of you.

You've just made fun of me behind my back.

For Scotty always getting detention,

or that our house is a little run down,

or that I have to work at the quarry,

and don't have a nice ladylike job.

Hmm?

Well, I'm sorry.

Our family needs two incomes.

We can't all have husbands

who rake in the big bucks as tractor salesmen,

or grain co-op managers,

or franchise owners of Gas 'n' Gulp.

So just... put me down to make yourselves feel better.

But I'm tryin'.

I'm tryin'.

I am out here on my own,

and I get nothin'...

nothin' but dirt from all of you,

even though I have always been

the nice one.

Always.

You screwed my boyfriend.

That's high school, Karen!

I needed friends!

You were prom queen.

You had all the friends, Suzie.

You can't be that deluded.

[Suzi]: So it's jealousy.

Because you all abandoned me--

We abandoned you?

You told everyone that Lisa screwed Mr. Hauser--

Lisa told everyone I was smoking cigarettes behind the gym!

You were!

Oh, who cares?

Really? This is what you all focus on? Huh?

You all think you're so...

Yeah, well, where were you during the accident, huh?

Where were you

when I couldn't walk? [sobbing]

And my hip--

The accident?

You were driving on a Xanax when you crashed your dang car.

You were driving carpool.

My kid was in that car,

and you expect me to worry about your dang hip?

Are you some kind of freakin' idiot?

You didn't even call to apologize!

You've been avoiding all of us,

holed up in that house with your poor stupid husband,

limpin' around feelin' sorry for yourself for four years,

like you're some kind of underdog hero.

Well, you're not, Suzie.

You're not!

You're one of the bad guys!

Vensas!

Mm-hmm...

Pink hair.

Halt where you stand!

[Farah]: Hey. Easy...

Why are you following me?

Why does this bear the insignia of The Mage?

What was the metal creature that attacked me?

[gun blasting]

- Tina! - Sorry! Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry!

Put down the scissors, and we'll talk about it!

Put down the scissors.

[Tina]: Put 'em down, man!

[Farah]: Tina! Yo-yo!

[cheering] Whoo!

Yeah, girl!

I mean, it's cool.

Ahem. I'm cool. It's cool.

It's a good job, though.

[dinging]

Hey! What are you--

There you are. Where did you go? Did you get her?

How'd you get the bell from out here into your cell?

Maybe don't get so close to that.

Right, thank you.

[Bart]: Hey, I'm not talking to you anymore--

[Todd]: You're being weird. Even for you.

Well, I was just thrown through a doghouse by a zombie, Todd, so--

You were being weird before that.

Don't you think all of this relates back

to finding the boy?

I thought you were excited about being on a new case.

What's with the attitude?

I am--

Or-- yeah, I-I was, but...

Why do you have pararibulitus, Todd?

Why?

Exactly.

[Bart furiously ringing bell]

[Bart]: Find the lady, and I'll give you the bell!

Find the lady,

and I'll give you the bell!

[talking under her breath] It's okay...

It'll be okay...

God, Mom, where you been?

There's nothing to eat! I'm starving!

Honey, hi, I'm sorry.

I was busy today.

You know, Dad's sleeping in his room.

Looks like he hit his head.

His head? Hmm!

And I can't find the dog anywhere.

And you look...

weird,

like, different.

Ugh, okay, I don't wanna talk about it, all right?

Just give me my phone back.

Your phone?

Your phone...

Shit.

This is it.

This place is important.

Something happens here,

or happened here.

I can't tell.

So, what now, boss?

18.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

My name is on this pill bottle.

Ha!

How can that even possibly be?

Oh, my God.

No way.

Todd?

[familiar engine revs outside]

[revving]

Oh, no way, no way, no way!

Drummer!

You did it! You found them!

Wait!

Lemme go, man! What's your malfunction?

No, no, no, something's not--

Guys!

Guys!

Hello, Vogel.

No... Y-you?

It's Blackwing.

It's Black... It's Blackwing!

It's Blackwing!

[screaming] It's Blackwing!

You can talk to me, you know.

He's got pink hair.

The unconscious guy, he's got pink hair.

Because of course he does.

Dirk, why did you ask me why I had pararibulitus?

Because...

[sighs]

When I was in Blackwing, I wanted to get out so badly.

I had this fantasy that I would escape,

and just go right back to you and Farah,

and we would start the detective agency,

and it would be brilliant.

We would solve mysteries and help people,

and it would all be somehow...

I don't know, better.

Calmer.

But nothing's better.

Nothing's calmer.

It all just is--

and always will be.

You're not a pawn, Dirk.

It's not, like... predestined.

Fate and chance don't cancel each other out.

You don't know that.

Yes, I do.

I've seen it.

I've seen you fail, but I've also seen you win.

You can't let the universe push you around.

That's how you end up getting slammed through doghouses.

You have to make bigger choices.

You want answers?

[imitating Dirk's accent] Take control of your life, Dirk.

Is that your British accent? That was awful--

- I don't do accents. - No, I love it.

Yo.

Pink hair's awake.

[gasps in horror]

[gagging]

[gasps in discovery]

[sighing in relief]

[gasping]

[Man]: Vensas!

I know you're there.

I believe you have something of mine. I'd like it back.

If you won't give it,

I'll have to take it.

[bursting with power]

[struggling]

No... No...

No, it's mine!

[gasping]

[chuckles]

Hello again, Suzanne Boreton.

[engine starts]

What a pleasant surprise.

My name is Panto Trost,

Lord Prince of the Valley of Inglenook

in the Land of Wendimoor.

I came to your world

through the Pool of the Empty Throne,

with help from Wakti Wapnasi,

forest witch of the Santi Santiga, who guides the Bofuki Nepoo.

She foretold the prophecy I seek to enact,

that once the great dark wizard found his apprentice,

no one in Wendimoor could defeat him,

and his army would come like a tide.

The only hope to save Wendimoor

is if the fiercest of foes were united,

the great weapon is retrieved,

and she-who-sees-all opened a door into a dream,

allowing through a man,

who, with him, would bring a boy...

The boy who would save our world.

Um...

just quickly...

Who is the dark wizard, who is his apprentice,

who are the foes, who is "she,"

what is the dream,

who is the man,

what is the "great weapon,"

and, perhaps most importantly,

who is the boy?

Hmm...

These things I know not.

I have only one answer.

The man who could bring the boy,

the man who could save my family,

my world...

his name is Dirk Gently.

Do you know Ken?

[whispering] It's not supposed to go this way.

The voice said

I can die here

or things can change.

[Mr. Priest, through megaphone]: How long do y'all plan for this to go on for?

Honest question.

I'm trying to be a friend here.

So what's the big plan?

You know, what's the end game?

Jacob!

Amanda!

I could bring you back to the boys.

I have the rest of Project Incubus.

They are just waiting for you.

This could have a very happy ending.

[muttering] Yeah... Yeah, good, good.

Okay, okay...

What do we do?

I don't know.

This isn't how this ends.

What?

This isn't how this ends.

Something else is supposed to happen.

I am supposed to do something.

Look, I know that guy.

What if he's truthing,

and the guys are out there waiting for me?

Vogel, he is not telling you the truth.

The Rowdy 3 are my family, boss!

You said you would help me find them.

What if this is it?

Vogel...

you're all I've got left.

Please listen to me. Okay?

Don't go out there.

[Mr. Priest]: What's it gonna be, Ms. Brotzman?

Here we go.

Okay.

[coughing]

Oh, I'm sorry, boys.

[glass shatters]

[Vogel screams]

[Vogel]: I can't stay here!

It's that shit!

[blow lands, Vogel groans]

[crunch]

Not so spooky now, eh, Dracula?

[bones break, Vogel screams]

Yes!

Yes, subdue him!

Detain him now!

I'll do things on my calendar, Mr. Friedkin, thank you.

[crunching, screaming in agony]

[screaming]

[groans]

Come on!

Come on.

Things have gotten out of control.

I'm switching to lethal.

[Friedkin]: No, no, capture them alive!

[cocking gun]

I'm taking the shot.

No, do not take the shot!

That is an order.

Do not take the shot.

I'm taking the shot.

Do not take the shot!

I'm taking the shot.

[bullets spray and ricochet]

[chuckling]

[groaning]

I took the shot.

No, no, something's wrong, something's wrong, okay?

Someone's got to do something!

Someone's going to do something.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[whistles]

I'm sorry, boss!

I messed up!

I messed up!

Whoever you are, if you're gonna do something,

why don't you do it now?

Do it now!

[machine gun rattling, Amanda and Vogel scream]

Don't... do... Oh...

[groaning]

Yeah, they vanished.

They vanished?

Hoo, boy...

This is gonna be a wild one!

[♪♪♪]