Original subtitles

Upon completion of the factory,

we will assume dual responsibilities.

Quando la fabbrica sarà ultimata, sarebbe duplice responsabilità.

Er... The capitalisation will be shared equally.

They put up half, I put up half.

La capitalizzazione sarà divisa in parti uguali.

Needless to say, I have great personal interest in this project,

and I'm looking forward to its earliest consummation.

Inutile dire che Mr Talbot ha un grandissimo...

- Mr Talbot, your call to Rome. - Ah. Excuse me, gentlemen.

- Lisa! - Mmm?

- È lui. È qui. - E chi è qui?

Talbot.

È qui?

No, al Milano.

Speak English. I don't want her to hear.

What's he doing here in July? He never comes till September.

Well, I don't know, but he's here.

I'll tell him the maid was wrong and you're not home.

No, I'll talk to him.

But, Lisa, I tell you, an old love is like an empty bottle of champagne.

You don't refill it. You get a new bottle.

He has a right to know I'm marrying.

He comes once a year for a month. You never see him the rest of the year.

He has no rights.

Send him a letter. That's more than most husbands get.

Mi scusi, sa. Torno subito.

Lisa!

Se parli con quell'uomo, sei completamente...

English! I don't want them to hear.

- You've wasted enough time on that man. - Where's the phone?

- I put him in the dish. - Oh!

Don't! While's he's in there, you're safe.

I am safe whether he is in or out.

I will simply tell him the truth. He went away, I met another man.

He asked me to marry him, and I accepted.

Davvero?

Va bene.

- Hello? - Lisa.

- It's wonderful to hear your voice. - I was going to write...

There's no need to. I'm here.

Then I'll tell you on the phone.

- Robert, I... - Ah, ah, ah. Say it again.

- What? - My name.

- Robert. - Once more.

Robert.

If you only knew how often I've thought about you, looked forward to...

Please, please listen to me. I...

There's nothing I'd rather do. I couldn't wait till September.

I rearranged my entire schedule to be here early. Just to be with you.

- Did you? - Mm-hm. Did you miss me?

- Yes. - Well, tell me.

- I've missed you. - Oh, Lisa.

Lisa, my sweet, sweet Lisa.

Yes, Roberto?

Now, listen carefully. Whatever you're doing, drop it.

- It's not important. - It's not important.

Pack your bags. You can catch the one-twenty.

Pack my bags. Catch the one-twenty.

- And meet me at the villa. - At your villa.

- Goodbye, sweetheart. - Goodbye, sweetheart.

I couldn't help it. L'hai visto, no?

English. I don't want them to know you're a fool.

Anna, please. I tried to tell him, very hard.

- You heard me! - What were you going to tell him?

That he's not the man for me. He's always had everything his own way.

He's arranged his life for his comfort, not mine. I won't live like that.

- Then why didn't you tell him? - And spoil everything?

Eleven months of the year, you're an intelligent, successful businesswoman.

He comes here, and you haven't a brain in your head.

Anna, do you know what it means to be happy?

- Yes, of course. - But I mean, really happy?

But that kind of happy only gets you in trouble.

Guai, guai... Ma che guai?

Lisa, listen to me.

- Basta! Permesso. - In due siete arrivati

e non avete combinato niente! Ci devo pensare io?

Spencer, I've thought about it. I've made up my mind.

I can't hurt you.

It wouldn't be fair of me to marry you.

But, darling, everything's arranged.

My sisters came from London for the wedding.

They're coming to meet you now. What on earth am I to tell them?

Say it's best for both of us. They'll understand.

Believe me, I know what you're suffering from. Pre-marital nerves.

I'm extremely nervous myself. Yes, I've had some problems.

My sisters, I had the deuce of a job persuading them

it was the accepted thing nowadays for an Englishman to marry a foreigner.

Here in Italy, I'm not the foreigner. You and your sisters are foreigners.

Yes, of course. I realise that but I wouldn't mention it to them.

They're charming. I'm sure you'll like them when you meet them.

- I'd rather not. - Lisa, please.

It wouldn't work. I'd never be happy in England.

You will, really, you will. England's not a bad old place.

It's like a cold shower. Once you get used to it, you feel the better for it.

- I don't like cold showers. - Look, darling, we'll compromise.

Six months here and six months there.

Oh, no! I can't live like a gypsy.

Believe me, Spencer, I'm doing this for your own good.

Some day, you'll meet a girl who'll enjoy that cold shower with you.

- Spencer! - Wait, here are my sisters now.

- Lisa, my sisters Katherine and Claire. - Goodbye.

Via Bellagio 46.

Rather an attractive girl. But not too friendly.

Gee, mister, she's a beaut.

Sure don't see many like that. Mm-hmm.

I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

Gee, mister, she's a beaut.

Sure don't see many like that. Mm-hmm.

I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

Gee, mister, she's a beaut.

Sure don't see many like that.

I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

- Look out! - Oh, my God!

Gee, you guys, she's a beaut.

You don't see many like that.

Yes, siree. I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

How are you, Dino?

Hotel La Dolce Vista. Cosa?

Talbot?

Grazie.

Teresa! Milena! Maria!

Presto!

Now, listen carefully. Mr Talbot will be here any minute.

Madonna mia. He'll find out. We are lost.

God helps those who help themselves. The bedrooms.

You, the bathrooms. Hide Cedric. Hurry up.

Cedric...

Teresa! Apri, apri, apri!

Arriva il Signore Talbot.

- Maurice. - Mr Talbot. An unexpected pleasure.

- How are you? - A bit surprised.

To see you in July. You never come till September.

- I wish I'd known. - My telegram?

- Telegram? No, sir. - I sent one.

- Get in. - Yes, sir.

- Isn't that a new colour? - Pardon?

I said, isn't that a new colour?

Houses are like women, sir. The older they get, the more paint they need.

- How's everything been? - Very quiet.

Like turtles, we withdraw into our shells until you return.

- What's that? - Sir?

This... er... bougainvillea. It wasn't here last year, was it?

Oh! I've done a little...

I've done a bit of landscaping. If you're displeased...

Displeased? With what you've done with this place?

You're more than a major-domo. You're a friend.

I hope you'll continue to think that, sir.

- Signor Clavell. Telegramma. - Oh.

Here, wait a minute. I'll get it.

- Thank you. - Grazie.

Mm-hm. It's from me. I'm arriving today.

The charm of Italy. The only country where a man can send a telegram

and be sure he'll be there to receive it.

You know, I never realise now much I miss this place until I come back to it.

It's more than a villa. It's a refuge.

It's where a man can... lock out the rest of the world.

- Will Miss... er...? - Yes. She'll be here.

A man doesn't lock the whole world out.

Hello, Maria.

...Benedictus sanctus...

Why is she praying?

A friend of hers, a very fine chap, is passing through a severe crisis.

- Well, I hope he makes it. - No more than I do.

I'll take your rooms to your bag.

"La Dolce Vista"?

Must be a new one.

- Hello. - Just get here?

- Yes. - You'll like it.

- What's that? - Girls.

I know. What are they doing here?

Sir, if you could have seen them. Students on tour in a strange land,

their tiny bus disabled. They'll be gone in the morning.

They're staying here tonight?

I know I should have turned them away, but the quality of mercy's not strained.

It's being strained right now. Why not send them to a hotel?

There isn't a vacancy in town. But if you insist, I'll tell them to leave.

Well, they have to go somewhere.

What about this new place?

La Dolce Vista.

- Full up, sir. - Well, they can't stay here.

- Check around and find something. - Yes, sir.

Maurice!

Oh, we had a splendid hike. Quite exhilarating.

Miss Allison, Miss Stevens. Mr Talbot.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- Hi. - Miss Allison's the girls' chaperone.

- Where's Cedric? - I had him carried up to your bedroom.

- Oh, splendid? - Er... Who's Cedric?

- Miss Allison's parakeet. - This is such a lovely place.

And the view from the terrace! Quite breathtaking.

Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me. Maurice, make the ladies comfortable.

Well, really! He acts as though he owns the place.

- I was hoping he'd be better this year. - What's wrong with him?

This is a story I wish I didn't have to tell.

Years ago, his family owned this place.

There were financial reverses, they lost it.

- That's when you bought it. - Yes.

Then the war came along. He was on sentry duty at an ammunition dump.

- Blew up. - Really?

- Left him shell-shocked. - You wouldn't know to look at him.

No, it's like looking at a magnificent castle, with a weak tower.

Is it dangerous, having him roaming around?

No, no, no. He's absolutely harmless except for one small mental quirk.

He thinks he still owns the place.

I let him come every year to stay a while. It seems to calm his nerves.

If he says something unusual, just play along.

- What an interesting case history. - Has he any money?

Only his government pension. Naturally, I do what I can.

Oh, Maurice! I think that's why I'm so fond of you.

You're always thinking of others.

I think a psychiatrist would help him.

Undoubtedly. But it's none of your affair.

Sandy's a major in psychology. She's quite a fanatic on the subject.

- Dear child. - Maurice.

- Have these shined, will you? - Yes, sir.

- Draw my bath. Lay out my clothes. - Yes, sir.

- Analysis would help him. - Or a good talking to.

He may be shell-shocked, but he's not helpless.

The idea! Treating you as if you were his servant!

Hello.

Hello.

- Mr Talbot? - Mmm?

- Have you owned this place very long? - Quite some time.

- You must be very proud of it. - Yes, I am.

Unfortunately, since the war, I've only been able to come here once a year.

- It must have been a terrible war. - They usually are.

Yes... I'd like to talk to you about it some time.

- About what? - The war.

- The war? - Yes.

I have a feeling I can help.

I doubt it.

It's over.

- What are you doing? - You told me to lay out...

All right, I'll do it. Get on the phone and find a place for those women.

Come in.

- Mr Talbot? - Yes.

- I was wondering if we could talk now? - I'm...

Please, it's terribly important.

Why don't you sit down?

No, no, not there. On the couch.

What do you mean?

Now try and relax. Lie down.

- Lie down? - It's for your own good.

There.

Really, Mr Talbot. You must try and relax.

Now. Where would you like to begin?

I really don't know. Where would you suggest?

Well...

Let's start with... the war.

That war really... bothers you, doesn't it?

You were in the Army.

I thought I was in the Navy.

No, you were in the Army.

Standing sentry duty... at an ammunition dump

that blew up.

Do you remember that?

All I remember is being officer in a PT boat.

Don't you see? That's your subconscious substituting fantasy for fact.

Look...

That's why you think you own this place.

Don't I?

No. Really, Mr Talbot. You must face reality.

Your family lost this house, Mr Clavell bought it,

turned it into a hotel.

- A hotel? - Mm-hm.

- La Dolce Vista? - That's right.

- People pay him to stay here? - Yes.

It's a hotel.

You don't know how happy you've made me. I knew I could help you.

Oh, you have.

Suddenly, all the pieces have fallen into place.

Mr Clavell will be so thrilled you've recovered.

- I'll go tell him. - No, no, no.

Let me tell him.

You can tell Maria to stop praying.

Her friend didn't survive the crisis.

Excuse me. I have some duties. A major-domo's day is never done.

Yours is.

Don't think of yourself as a major-domo.

More like a sentry at an ammunition dump

that's about to blow up.

- Your room or mine? - Yours.

- You're a thief. - Yes, sir.

- And a liar. - Yes, sir.

Completely untrustworthy.

A thief and a liar, yes. But not untrustworthy.

I don't think this is the time to talk the matter out.

Not while you're bristling with negative thoughts.

I haven't even begun to bristle.

- Turning my house into a hotel. - How easy for you to say "my house".

- You're never here. - What's that to do with it?

When her windows are stuck, do you care? No, you're in New York.

I, Maurice, have to unstick them.

On a cold night when her radiators knock, are you here?

No, I have to warm them up.

And when her plumbing goes out, who's there to unclog her? Maurice.

You're like a husband who's only with his wife one month a year.

The man who's with her the rest of the year deserves the credit.

Well, I don't care for what you've turned my wife into.

- What have I done with the profit? - Good question.

Painted her. Put in a new garden wall, a fountain, a patio.

- I even replenished the wine cellar. - And your wallet.

Any personal gain was of secondary importance.

Your smile of appreciation when you came here every year.

That was my real... my real reward.

Tell your guests to find themselves another hotel.

You and your accomplices, pack your bags and leave in the morning.

Sir, I wish you'd sleep on that decision.

Tomorrow, we'll probably both laugh about this matter.

We might both be laughing. But not in the same house.

Sir, may I please ask one last favour?

Margaret, the chaperone. She's been coming with tours for some time.

We've become rather close, even made plans for the future.

She thinks I'm the owner.

Will you please let me explain it to her in my own way?

All right. But I have the feeling I'm not doing Margaret any favour.

Thank you. I'll talk to her right away.

In half an hour, we meet Miss Fellini at the station.

I'll pick her up myself.

Please, sir. As long as I'm here, I'd like to attend to my duties.

Just for my own information,

how long has this been a hotel?

Six years.

It was a fine hotel, sir, with a Triple A rating.

Conrad Hilton would have been proud to own it.

I'm surprised you didn't sell it to him.

The deed is in your name.

Che piacere rivederla, signorina.

- Grazie, Maurice. - What did he say?

- That it's nice to see me. - Oh.

- La trovo bene, Maurice. - Lisa, please.

- Don't pat the servants. - Maurice? He's more than a servant.

Yes, I found that out today. Keep your eyes on the road.

Robert, you're terribly sharp with Maurice.

What's wrong?

How would you feel if you found out Brutus was your major-domo?

Lucrezia Borgia your cook and Benedict Arnold your upstairs maid?

Cos'hai combinato?

Questa villa resta vuota undici mesi all'anno.

Allora mi son detto: "Che peccato, perché non convertirla in un albergo?"

- A hotel! - Filled with tourists.

Look... He even advertises.

Don't laugh, you'll encourage him.

C'é solo una povera vecchia con sei bambini indifesi.

E lui li butta fuori, sulla strada.

- È vero? - È vero.

- I can't believe it. - What?

That you could be so cruel, to throw out on the street

an old woman and six helpless children.

- They're not children, they're... - What?

- Not children. - Chiedevo solo di lasciarli una notte.

Se ne vada domattina.

Why can't they stay one night? They are leaving in the morning.

I don't want anybody there tonight. Do you?

Roberto, what can one night hurt?

- Ha ragione, cosa importa... - You keep out of this.

- Don't you listen to him. - I've never seen you like this before.

- You're upset. - Of course I'm upset.

It's 10 months since we saw each other.

- Whose fault is that? - Mi fa male sentirvi litigare.

Isn't he sweet? He said it upsets him to hear us argue.

There's nothing to argue about. He's already told them to leave.

You did tell your friend Margaret, didn't you?

Come potevo? Stava facendo il bagno, non siamo poi così tanto amici.

Don't talk to her, talk to me.

- What's the big joke? - He said, how could he tell her?

She was taking a bath, and they're not that friendly.

I don't think that's funny.

Mi preoccupa. Ha perso tutto il suo spirito.

He said he's worried about you. You've lost your sense of humour.

Well, I'll get it back when he leaves.

I don't think you should go in with me.

Why not?

The hotel guests. How will it look if we come in together?

All right. I'll park the car and come in through the servants' entrance.

I wouldn't want you to lose your Triple A rating.

Oh, Miss Allison. Signorina Fellini.

- Buongiorno. - Good afternoon.

- Who's she? - A schoolteacher.

She doesn't look like a schoolteacher.

Margaret, if beauty symbolised occupation,

I'd mistake you for a former star of the cinema.

Maurice!

Robert.

- Oh, not now. - Why not?

- She's taking a shower. - Who is?

- Sandy. - Sandy?

The girl I'm rooming with.

- You're rooming with someone? - Mm-hm.

- I'll kill that Maurice. - It's not his fault.

If he moved everyone around so I could be alone in the room next to yours,

how would it look?

You'd better leave.

- We'll have dinner on my terrace. - There isn't room for nine people.

- What nine people? - They'll suspect if we eat alone.

Hurry, she might see you.

Be careful.

What am I sneaking around for? It's my...

- Shh! - ..house.

You'd better wait.

Miss Allison hasn't made her bed-check. And she's already suspicious.

- Of what? - You and Mr Talbot.

- What about us? - Don't get me wrong.

I think it's terribly exciting. All the girls do.

Two people in love. In a romantic place like this.

It's the dreamiest thing I've ever heard of.

I'm going downstairs to get some warm milk.

Warm milk?!

He looks more like the champagne type to me.

Good night, girls. Lights out, now.

Er...

I was just going downstairs... to get some warm milk.

I got the warm milk.

- Sandy. - Yes, ma'am.

Lights out, now.

- Good night, girls. - Good night.

She'll be asleep in ten minutes.

So will I.

But he's waiting for you. I can hear the music.

I really don't know where a girl your age gets ideas like that.

I have no intention of going to Mr Talbot's room.

I'm going...

Yes, I'm going to finish my milk and go to sleep.

Good morning.

- Morning? - Mm-hm.

- What happened to last night? - Everybody looked suspicious.

And Sandy knew about us.

I couldn't leave. It would've been too obvious.

Sandy seems to know about everything. Now I know what she's doing in Europe.

Her neighbours decided to chip in and send her.

- What's that? - They're getting ready to leave.

Good.

I promised to come down and say goodbye.

Oh, send them a letter.

- It'll only take a minute - No, Lisa, come on.

- You should come and say goodbye too. - I'll wave to them from the terrace.

Teenagers are like the H-bomb.

When they go off, it's much better to observe them from a distance.

- Bye, Mr Talbot. - Bye!

- Goodbye, Mr Talbot! - Bye, Mr Talbot!

Good morning, sir. Your orange juice.

Not orange juice, Maurice, champagne. It's a special occasion.

The hotel is closing,

you're packing,

and the guests are leaving.

How often does a man get rid of all his troubles at the same time?

Oh, what's the matter?

I don't understand, Miss Allison. What are you doing in traction?

Slipped on a champagne cork?

It was an accident. I've sprung my sacroiliac.

Mm? No, I've had this happen before.

Don't worry, I'll be absolutely splendid by the morning.

The girls can't go without her.

You'll have to let them stay over till tomorrow.

You wouldn't think a cork this small could lay out a woman that big.

Maria, move Miss Fellini's luggage into Miss Allison's room.

- Teresa and... - Milena, sir.

Start making sandwiches. Lots of them.

Mr Clavell will need all of his strength.

- Where am I going? - On a long hike. With the girls.

You're going to show them Italy. All of it.

If you run out of Italy, show them Sicily.

That ought to take you all day.

And a good part of the night, sir.

I'm glad we understand each other.

It's a shame the girls have no place to go today.

They do.

They're going on a long hike.

Shouldn't we offer to go with them?

Maurice already volunteered.

Do you want to go?

Mm-mm.

Hiking could never replace this.

Oh, Robert.

One, two, three, four, ready, set...

- Hey, two, three, four... - Hup!

- Hup! - Two, three, four...

- Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! - Hey!

What's going on here?

Observe.

Hey, look. It's Barney Oldfield.

- Catch, Beagle. - Hey, two, three, four...

- What are you doing here? - This is the Hotel Dolce Vista?

- Not any more. - We got reservations.

- They're cancelled. - Hold this.

- I got confirmation from the manager. - He's cancelled too.

Sorry.

- All right, out. - Hey, wait a minute. Hold it.

Hey, Beagle. You're gonna be a lawyer, right?

Can he do this to us?

In 1937, there was the case of Wilson v The Waldorf Astoria.

- And? - He can do it to us.

- Good day, gentlemen. - Yeah.

Let's go.

Beagle, give me a coin.

Hey...

That's for parking in your driveway.

We end up in a stream then we're tossed out of our hotel.

- Maybe this country's unlucky. - We could be in France in a few hours.

- Those in favour of leaving, say "Aye". - Aye!

- Those in favour of staying, say "Aye". - Aye!

Aye!

- They're backing up. - Don't look around.

- Which one did you like? - I didn't notice.

- The driver was cute. Nice blue eyes. - They're brown and keep away from him.

Er... Bongiorno.

Bongiorno.

- This one is mine, huh? - Tell 'em we wanna be friends.

Wait, let me handle it and we'll all make out.

Where do you live?

Saus-a-lito.

And where is that near?

San-Fran-cisco.

I am very stoo-pid.

But I'm loads of fun.

- We're from Connecticut. - Where are you staying?

Hotel La Dolce Vista.

Well, isn't that a coincidence? We're staying right outside the gate.

- But there's nothing there. - Give us 20 minutes, will you?

See you.

Call the police. I want them picked up for trespassing.

Unfortunately, sir, it's not your property.

They're like spiders. And they've got the flies helping them put up their web.

- Why aren't those flies out hiking? - They insisted on going to help out.

The moment I saw you, I just came out of my shell.

Well, yes, but, you know I really think we ought to go help the others, Tony.

- Say that again. - What?

My name.

Tony.

Once more.

Tony.

There's something about that boy I don't trust.

I don't care how you do it, I want you...

- Ciao! - What's she doing down there?

Goodbye, I'll see you later. Ciao, ciao!

La, la, la, la La la li, la la, la la

La, la, la, la

What were you doing down there?

Darling, you're going to be so proud of me. I've arranged everything.

- Like what? - La, la, la, la...

- Like what? - The boys need kerosene.

- Why? Who are they planning to burn? - It's for their stove.

- They're very nice American boys. - So was the Dalton gang.

The boys are hurt. They think you don't like them.

They're right.

They're students on their first vacation in Europe. Make friends.

- I don't want to make friends. - I don't understand you.

- They're sweet. - Sweet.

- Yes! - Yes.

Know what the boys are going to do with the girls?

No.

What are the boys going to do with the girls?

I thought, those girls have nothing to do.

Those boys have nothing to do. They could use the sun terrace.

- But Robert wouldn't like that. - No, he wouldn't like that.

Then I said to myself, "Wouldn't it be nice

if they all rented motor scooters and went for a ride in the country?"

That's what you said to yourself. Did you say it to them?

Oh, yes. The boys said it sounded like it would be a lot of fun.

Well, that sounds like the boys.

- Mr Clavell. - Sir?

Go with them and don't let those girls out of your sight.

- Sir, I can't ride a motor scooter. - Then learn.

I have no sense of balance.

As a child, I had to be strapped to my tricycle.

- I won't let them go out alone. - Robert!

Lisa, please.

I don't know how I got talked into all of this, but I'm in it.

It's not his hotel, it's my home. I am the one legally responsible.

- I fully expect your friend, er... - Margaret.

- ...to sue me. - She wouldn't.

I can be sued for a sprung sacroiliac

and jailed for what can happen to those girls.

What can happen to them? There are four boys and six girls.

That adds up to ten. And there's safety in numbers.

There's more to mathematics than adding.

Those boys look quite capable of dividing and multiplying!

Ow!

Oh!

They purposely took this road. They're trying to shake us.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty well shook.

All right, so it's my fault. I said I'm sorry.

You'd be more comfortable if you put your head against me.

- What did you wish for? - It's very bad luck to tell.

I hope you get what you want.

That sure is sweet of you.

You know, this is a side of you I've never seen before.

What is?

This protective attitude toward women.

Women? They're only 18.

Children, no older than my niece.

- So? - So?

So?!

Would I let my niece go out with guys like that?

I know those boys. I know what's on their mind.

Robert,

you have a moral streak.

You know me better than that.

Hey, Beagle! Beagle!

- What? - Look.

A Papilio glaucus. That'd look great in your butterfly collection.

- What butterfly collection? - The one you're starting, now.

- Oh. - Come on, it went that way.

- Now, just a minute here. - You wait here in case it doubles back.

Tony, are you sure that butterfly's gonna come here?

Positive. When you're followed,

you instinctively find a place where nobody can find you.

- This is it. - You know a lot about butterflies.

It's what we study in medical school: insects, animals, people.

You'd be surprised how similar we are in many ways.

Oh?

Well, did you know that beetles actually kiss?

- No. - Sure.

How?

The boy beetle rubs his antenna against the girl beetle.

And what does the girl beetle do?

If he doesn't rub her the wrong way, they make plans for the future.

Like tonight.

Medicine's a fascinating field.

That's why a woman like Lisa's so interesting.

Lisa?

There are 206 bones in the human body. I've never seen them that well arranged.

Oh.

- She sure is a beautiful specimen. - Yes, she is. For her age.

- I didn't mean to be catty. - Don't be sorry.

She is, she's very beautiful.

- She really is. - Mm-hm.

How would you say I'm arranged?

- You? - Yeah.

I never gave it much thought.

You've got a good basic bone structure.

Let me see.

Nice rib cage.

Fibula.

Tibia's good.

Ah, well-developed patellas.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hm.

Uh-huh.

Good.

Very good.

Excellent.

Good strong heartbeat.

- Isn't that strange? - What?

Your pulse, it suddenly started to race.

- Did it? - It's slowing down now.

There it goes again.

It doubled back.

Oh, er... Tony was just examining my bone structure.

He's studying to be a doctor.

Where does he plan to intern? At the Folies Bergères?

I don't want to interfere with medical progress,

but we're ready to leave.

After you, Doctor.

- Hey, Beagle. Is this it? - Yes, sir!

Here we go!

I thought you said he'd never make it up this hill.

All right, so we get him on the next hill.

He's killing the whole day for us.

What about tonight? The girls leave in the morning.

Beagle, will you relax? We'll get rid of him.

I don't know. This is no kid we're fooling with.

That's the answer, he's no kid.

Look, he's gotta be over 35.

How many hills can he take?

I don't know. He looks pretty rugged to me.

Yeah, in his day, Beagle.

The B-29 was a rough plane, but it can't keep up with a guided missile.

When they wheel him into the hangar tonight,

his tail is really gonna be dragging.

- They're out to get me. - Get you what?

- Get rid of me. - Do you blame them?

- Don't start that. - It's natural, they want to be alone.

- Have you forgotten what that's like? - What's that supposed to mean?

They're normal, healthy boys and normal, healthy girls. No?

That can lead to a normal, unhealthy situation. I know what I'm doing.

- Robert, you're breaking their spirit. - Yeah!

The guy's not human.

When I couldn't push my scooter up that last hill...

...he carried it up for me.

- It's spooky. - Let's be rational.

How old are we, anyway?

I feel like I'm 92.

We're 20 and he's pushing 40. That's ancient.

We're young, we can bounce back.

He's probably laying in his room like a lead ball.

Anybody here?

The girls tell me we're all going dancing tonight.

We'll be ready to leave in about an hour.

♪ Multiplication, that's the name of the game

♪ And each generation plays the same

Isn't he terrific?

♪ When you see a gentleman bee Round a lady bee buzzin',

♪ Why, count to ten Then count again

♪ There's sure to be an even dozen

♪ Multiplication, it's the name of the game

♪ And each generation plays the same

♪ Now two butterflies cast their eyes Both in the same direction

♪ Why you'd never guess that one little yes

♪ Could start a butterfly collection

♪ Multiplication, that's the name of the game

♪ And each generation plays the same

♪ I say one and one are five Call me a silly goat

♪ But you take two minks You add two winks

♪ What've you got? One mink coat

♪ A girl gets coy in front of a boy after three or four dances

♪ Well, you can bet she'll play hard to get

♪ To multiply her chances

♪ Multiplication, that's the name of the game

♪ And each generation plays the same

♪ Let me tell you now Mother Nature's a clever gal

♪ She relies on habits

♪ Take two hares with no cares Soon you got a room full of rabbits

♪ Parakeets, in between tweets, sometimes get too quiet

♪ But have no fear, soon you'll hear A parakeet's riot, try it

♪ Multiplication is the name of the game

♪ And each generation plays the same

♪ Multiplication is the name of the game

♪ And each generation plays the same

It's respect. That's what a girl wants from a boy.

If the girl gives in too easy, the boy will never take her seriously.

He'll never think in terms of engagement,

marriage, a home, or children.

If you want all these things, keep your standards high.

The bedroom's like a wedding gown,

it's bad luck to let the fellow see you in it before you marry him.

Isn't he fabulous?

How does he do it?

He's going on raw courage now.

Remember. The night is young, he's not.

Well, if you're old enough to fly, you're old enough to look.

Mr Talbot?

Mr Talbot, sir?

What do you want?

We'd like to speak to you for a minute, sir.

It's terribly important.

- I'll be right down. - Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You told the girls to be ready in an hour, right?

He's a weirdie!

He's just as fresh as when we started out.

Beagle... Beagle,

no man his age can defy the laws of medical science.

He's travelled on a motor scooter for over 100 miles, half of it straight up.

He's been on a dancefloor all night, knocking himself out.

He's had it. Come here.

It's medically proven that to put said subject to sleep at this point,

it's only necessary to introduce drops of monatomic dicarbon hydroxyl.

What's that?

Booze. Just a few drinks, we're home.

- You're the king. - Thank you. Observe.

Hold it, now.

Yes?

Sir, since we're leaving in the morning,

we thought we'd like to come by and apologise to you.

Oh.

We've created a terrible impression, we've been rude and unpleasant,

sometimes downright boorish.

May we come in for a moment, sir?

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Mr Talbot. We couldn't leave without trying to square things with you.

- I see. - No hard feelings?

- None at all. - Thank you, sir. Thank you.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you, sir.

What did you say, Beagle?

Do you know what an occasion like this calls for? A drink.

- Yeah. - You're right. He's right, sir.

May we have a farewell drink together?

- Sure. Let's do. - Thank you, sir.

Beautiful villa you have, Mr Talbot.

Now, then. What would you boys like to drink?

- A brandy. - Brandy?

Mm-hm.

Fine.

A toast, sir.

May this night be an example of the friendship

between your generation and ours.

And another toast, sir.

May these drinks wash away the past and ensure the future.

To a little insurance.

Now, then...

Well, sir. I'd like to propose a toast.

To what?

You name it.

- Well... - How do you feel?

Fine.

Sir, do you realise that you are defying the laws of medical science?

Dr Lister and Louis Pasteur.

And, er...

Madame Curie.

All our work, sir, is for nothing.

I'm sorry. Some unfinished business I had to attend to.

Robert!

What's wrong?

- What's happened? - I got 'em.

Every last one of 'em.

Tony?

Tony!

What happened?

Tony!

Tony!

Hmm?

Tony?

Are you all right?

'Course I'm all right.

A little wet, that's all.

Come on, try and stand up.

Now see if you can walk.

'Course I can walk.

Mmm!

How do you feel?

What happened?

Mr Talbot...

He called us in, and then he forced us to drink with him.

Tony...

If I could only lie down for a minute, I'd feel fine. I know it.

Do you want to go in the house?

No, I... I'd better not.

I'd better go back to the tent.

- Tony! - Mm?

I need a little help.

Robert!

How could you do this?

I was only following their golden rule.

Do unto others before they do it to you.

You can't let them lie there all night.

Maurice can sweep 'em out in the morning.

Look, don't feel sorry for them.

They got exactly what they deserve.

- Somebody has to look after the girls. - Isn't it the parents' responsibility?

The trouble with the American parent is, they have a new gimmick.

"Keep your kids off the streets. Send them to Europe."

They're turning this continent into one big corner drugstore.

- It's gone. - What?

There's a body missing. The one body I don't want to have missing.

Sandy! I was drunk, I didn't even know what I was doing.

Next time I see a man lying in a bar, I'll leave him there.

- Did you force him to drink with you? - Of course not.

And that's for lying.

- Sandy, honey... - Sandy...

Thank you.

You've reaffirmed my lack of confidence in my fellow man.

- Sandy? - Mm?

Are you all right?

Oh, sure. He's cute, isn't he?

- Who? - Tony.

Hope I didn't loosen any teeth when I hit him. He has a beautiful smile.

- You're not mad at him? - Mad? Why would I be mad at him?

Wait, wait...

- He got fresh. You hit him. - Mm-hm.

- You're not mad? - No.

- You like him? - Adore him.

Eh già! Sicuro!

The business psychiatrists must do in America!

You people are all mixed up.

You see, when he got fresh, it showed he was interested.

- I had to ensure he stayed interested. - So you hit him.

It's like Mr Talbot said. A girl has to make a boy respect her.

If she gives in too easily, he'll never take her seriously.

Oh.

- He said that? - Mm-hm.

He's right. He said, "When you go shopping in a market,

you don't buy anything that's been handled too much."

- When did Mr Talbot tell you all this? - While we were dancing.

He said: "If you want a man to think of getting engaged and married,

you've got to keep your standards high."

What else did he say?

He said that love is one product you don't sell by giving away free samples.

That's good advice for all of us.

You listen to him. I can tell you, he knows what he's talking about.

I know.

Well?

I guess you learned something tonight, huh?

Yes. I never realised how wrong I was.

- It's all in the past now. - You're so right.

You know, it's been a long day.

Some champagne would do us both the world of good.

- Mm-hm. - The bottle's on the terrace.

- I'll go get it. - Mm-hm.

- Robert. - Mm?

When you get to the terrace, would you do me a favour?

- Sure. - Jump off.

- What are you doing? - Taking your advice.

If a woman's too easy to get, a man will never take her seriously.

When I think how easy I was.

Stupida! Cretina! Idiota!

- Something I told some young girls. - To protect their morals.

What about my morals?

What's that got to do with it? We're adults.

- Lisa, look. If you'll just calm down. - Don't touch me.

How could I be that stupid?

You're wealthy, good-looking, intelligent, charming.

I should have known better than to get mixed up with someone like that.

You're not making sense.

I don't have to make sense. I'm Italian!

Ci sono uomini più interessanti di te in Italia.

Sono stufa degli americani. Stufa!

Talk English! I can't understand you.

That's another thing. If you loved me, you'd have learned my language.

But no. I had to do it.

The weeks I spent studying.

Learning to speak this fluid English.

Not fluid, fluent.

Big shot. Knows all the words.

For the first time, I started to think, "What am I doing here?"

Lisa, no love affair can survive if either party starts to think.

The beauty of our relationship is no thinking.

- No pressure, no questions asked. - It's time someone asked questions.

I knew those girls would get me in trouble.

You're a hypocrite.

You made all the rules and I play by them.

- Now I know what you think of me. - Lisa.

Well, the game is over, Robert. I don't want to play any more.

- If you'll just calm down. - I'm tired of being a free sample.

- There's no future in it. - We never even talked about the future.

Women don't want talk. They go by intuition.

And I've learned one thing.

A woman's intuition is a man's best friend.

- Lisa, wait. - The market's closed, Mr Talbot.

You'll have to start shopping somewhere else.

Lisa.

Lisa!

Who's in that tent?

Boys.

Boys?

Watch your head, my dear.

- Did my girls meet them? - Meet whom?

- Those boys down in the tent. - Oh, those boys. Yes.

They weren't interested in feminine companionship.

They're too absorbed by the educational aspects of their tour.

It's too bad you won't have time to meet them. Fine, clean-cut young Americans.

True goodwill ambassadors of a great nation.

- Which way's the tent? - What happened to the girls?

I don't know. Man, what a night.

- Maurice! - I'm as shocked as you are.

If anything's happened to those girls...

Margaret, believe me, please!

Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing, I'm sure.

I sincerely hope not. Remember, I left those girls in your care.

Oh! Cedric!

- He hiccupped. - He did.

Cedric!

He's drunk!

Maurice! What kind of a party did you have here last night?

- Lisa, come back here! - I said, don't touch me!

Wait until everybody's gone. We can talk like adults.

I don't want to talk like an adult. That's how I got into all this trouble.

- How'll you get back? There's no train. - I'll walk.

- You're welcome to come with us. - Thank you.

You keep out of this.

Lisa, don't you walk out that door.

What would I lose? The privilege of seeing you every September?

Well, I'm tired of being girl of the month.

- You know you're more than that. - Don't worry, Robert.

You won't have any trouble. Just put an ad in the paper.

Girl wanted. Short hours, pleasant working conditions.

There's only one drawback. There's no chance of advancement.

Wild parties, immoral rendezvous...

And to think I trusted you!

Next, I'll find out this isn't even a hotel.

That's precisely the next thing you're about to find out.

- Sir. - You're fired.

And you, madam, take those girls of yours,

pack that drunken bird, and get out.

Are you going to allow him to speak to me like that?

There's a small detail I probably should have mentioned before now.

I know you'll take it with your customary good humour...

Margaret! Listen to me! Where's that good sense of humour?

Margaret!

Sandy! Honey, listen...

Hey, Sandy!

- I'm packed, sir. - Goodbye, Mr Clavell.

- Before I go, can I get you breakfast? - No.

- Yes. Get me an olive. - A martini for breakfast?

Great for the morning after. Especially if there hasn't been a night before.

Yes, sir.

Oh, before I forget, would you kindly sign this, sir?

- What is it? - A letter of recommendation.

A letter of recommendation?

I didn't want to trouble you, so I took the liberty of writing it. Sign here.

It's much too trivial for you to bother reading, sir.

"Loyal...

...faithful, dedicated, noble."

"Reputable. Incorruptible."

It does get rather monotonous.

"Nearly saint-like in his devotion to his master."

Yes, sir.

Anybody who believes this deserves you.

Thank you very much, sir. I'll get the olive.

May I speak to you a moment, sir?

Well, if it isn't the prowling physician.

I don't blame you, sir.

The way I acted with Sandy, I'm no credit to the medical profession.

Hardly.

I came to apologise, sir. No gimmicks this time.

You had us pegged right from the beginning.

That's probably why we got so sore at you.

- Sir, do you know what a lemming is? - No.

Well, it's an animal that destroys itself.

I gotta look up my family tree, there must be some real lemmings in it.

I meet a great girl like Sandy and what do I do? I goofed the whole thing up.

I acted just like a stupid adolescent.

I'm not a kid any more, I know better than that.

- I'm getting on in years. - You're not exactly ancient.

A guy as old as I am, you'd think he'd be smart enough

to stop fooling around and look for a lasting relationship.

Once in a while, if you're lucky, you come across something of real value.

And what do you do?

Treat it like a bargain basement special. You start grabbing it.

And then you lose it. You spend your life shopping around

for something that's not even half as good.

Anyhow, I came by to say, I'm sorry.

So long, Mr Talbot.

Tony.

Yes, sir?

Er...

Have a nice trip.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

- Here you are, sir. - Mr Clavell.

I just learned something. I'm a lemming.

You should have something more substantial for breakfast.

Man is the only animal clever enough to build the Empire State Building

and stupid enough to jump off it.

- Get the car, Maurice. - Yes, sir!

- I don't see them. - Sparrow, stop worrying!

- He'll follow us. - Who?

Tony. You don't think I'd have left if I didn't think he'd come after me?

And don't you worry. Mr Talbot will come after you too.

Believe me, Sandy, I couldn't care less.

A $20,000 car isn't supposed to get a flat.

Evidently, the manufacturers felt the same way.

There's no jack to change the tyre.

There must be a garage around here someplace.

Va' via! Dov'è il garage più vicino?

They don't know. I'll ask inside.

You there, I want to borrow your truck.

Mi spiace, ma non vi capisco.

I want to borrow your truck. I'll pay you for it.

Non posso.

It's an emergency. I'll buy it, here.

Ma questo camion non é mica mio.

Perché mi ha dato questo denaro? Non è mio.

- Get in. - There's a garage.

- Never mind, get in. - In this?

Va bene. Va bene.

Ehi, il mio camion!

Eccolo là! Fermati!

Calmati, figlio mio. Chiamiamo la polizia adesso.

There they are, sir.

- Here, take this bird. - Take the wheel.

Lisa!

- What? - Stop the bus!

- I want to talk to you. - Go away.

I've been thinking.

You want me to take you seriously? OK. I take you seriously.

It's too late.

What do you want me to do, marry you?

- OK, I'll marry you! - You sound like you do me a favour.

I'm not doing you any favour by marrying you.

If you'd asked me when we first met, or last year, or even yesterday.

We never spoke of marriage. We were happy.

I'll always feel I forced you into it.

- Do I sound like I'm being forced? - You don't seem happy about it.

I've never been happier.

Look, damn it, I'm smiling.

It would never work.

Lisa, I'm asking you in a nice way.

Now stop being an idiot!

Get off that blasted bus and marry me!

No!

OK, don't ever say I never asked you.

You're a witness. You heard me ask her.

- Don't stop now, sir. Follow them. - No, Maurice.

I'm like this goose. I know when I've laid an egg.

I want that villa put up for sale.

And if you can't sell it, burn it. I've had it with this country.

This is no time to burn your villas behind you.

- She loves you. She wants to marry you. - Funny way of showing it.

Italian women are emotional.

She's been hurt. She wants time to think.

I want to go back to America, where people get married without thinking.

Eccolo lì! Il camion!

Arrestatelo!

Dunque?

- What are they saying? - They say we stole his truck.

His truck? That's ridiculous. Tell them I bought it, paid $600 for it.

Yes, we admit it. We stole this truck. It was his idea.

I never stole anything in my life.

This isn't the first car he's stolen.

Tell them that's my car over there.

He stole that one, too.

I resent being treated like a member of the Mafia.

He's a member of the Mafia.

What are they doing?

Maurice, tell them who I am.

This is Robert Talbot. The most wanted criminal in Europe.

That's right.

They probably want money. Offer them a bribe.

He says you'll never collect the big reward.

He's wanted in Rome... five million lire.

You know the police in the big cities.

If they come after him, they'll end up with the reward.

The way to make sure you get it,

is to take him to Rome personally.

- Did you tell them about the money? - They're definitely interested.

The time I wasted on him. For a hypocrite, a liar, a fraud.

You are fortunate. Most women find out after they are married.

I'm lucky to get a man like Spencer. He's honest, sincere, sympathetic...

...er... reliable!

Everything Robert isn't. But at least Robert did me one favour.

- He did? - He asked me to marry him.

He begged me. And that freed me of him forever.

Now I know I can be happy with Spencer.

Where are they taking us? We've been riding for hours.

I wish I knew, sir.

I don't understand it. They act like I'm a criminal.

I've noticed that, sir.

Hey!

Metti giù le mani!

Tell him I'd like to explain everything very carefully.

Yes, sir.

He says he is ready to make a full confession.

Now, there's this girl, Lisa Fellini.

There is this girl, Lisa Fellini.

Tell them she was my house guest.

She is his chief accomplice.

She lives here in Rome, via Bellagio, 46.

She is hiding out in Rome... at via Bellagio, 46.

We had an argument, a lover's quarrel. I was trying to keep her from leaving.

There's a big reward for her.

Hey!

If I only had my lawyer here.

Believe me, what I'm doing for you, no lawyer could ever do.

You didn't see Lisa at her best. Once you know her, you'll love her.

She's a shy, gentle girl. Quiet, well-bred and home-loving.

Lasciatemi andare!

Lasciatemi andare! Sono innocente! Mascalzoni!

I don't like making snap decisions, Spencer,

but do you think this is the right girl for you?

Robert!

Signorina!

There's this man I met about eight months ago. Spencer.

He's been very nice to me and...

Non Io so.

I don't want to sue anybody for false arrest.

I just want to get out of here.

If there's a plane, a train, a bus, or a jackass leaving this city, get me on it.

- There's a train for Milan in an hour. - Fine. Get me a taxi.

Let me tell you about Italian women. They're not to be trusted.

- Deceitful, emotionally unstable. - Isn't that all women?

Of course. That's where they've got us.

We've nothing else to replace them with.

- Go down to the station and apologise. - I'll write to them.

Cafoni!

You say you don't love me, spend two nights at a man's villa,

when you return you're arrested.

I can't allow this to go on after we're married.

Come along.

Hello?

Yes, Maurice.

I don't care what train Mr Talbot is taking.

As long as he takes it.

We don't want him here in Italy.

I speak for the government. Goodbye.

Hello?

Take care of yourself, Maurice. Ciao.

What are you so happy about?

- Lisa, I have to talk to you. - Come in.

What's wrong?

He didn't follow me!

I'm going home tomorrow and he doesn't even have my phone number.

- I'll never see him again. - Don't worry.

Lisa, I don't want to lose him. I'm 18, I may never have another chance.

- Of course you will. - No, I'm going to end up like you.

Marrying the wrong man and miserable with someone I don't love.

Nonsense, I'm very happy with Spencer.

Now, listen. Do you know where the boys were going?

Yes, but what good is it? It's like Mr Talbot said.

It's wrong for a woman to chase a man. He won't respect her.

Forget Mr Talbot. Listen to him and you'll ruin your life.

But you told me he was right. You said you were taking his advice.

Did I? I don't remember.

Now, where were the boys going?

Paris. The Deauville Hotel.

Hotel Deauville in Paris.

Internazionale, prego.

- You're calling Tony. - Lisa...

I want the Hotel Deauville in Paris. Si, Parigi.

- When they answer, ask for him. - Do you think I should?

Of course!

It's like fighting a war. If you retreat and the enemy doesn't follow you,

you've got to turn around and attack.

What good is winning the battle if you lose the war?

Aspetta un momento.

Why be miserable with someone you don't love?

Better to be miserable with someone you do love.

Hello? Hello.

Paris.

Yes, Hotel Deauville.

Yes, I'll hold on.

- Miss Fellini. Where...? - Apartment 2a.

- Thank you. - What's she made up for?

Uh-oh!

Yes, operator, I'm still holding on.

Hello? Hello?

Sandy.

Hi.

Oh, it's you.

Remember I told you we were going to Paris?

Did you?

Well, I couldn't go. I didn't have your phone number.

Oh.

I suddenly realised I might never see you again.

You don't care if you never see me again.

- I don't want to hurt your feelings. - Don't say another word.

Let's have dinner tonight. The two of us will sit and talk.

And maybe get to know each other.

OK?

- OK? - What'll I tell Mario?

- Who's Mario? - My date for tonight.

Oh.

I see.

Oh, but I can cancel it.

Will you?

- I won't even answer the phone. - Good.

Promise. I won't even touch you.

Robert!

Robert!

There she is. I told you she'd be here.

Robert!

Lisa!

Mi lasci passare. Un momento, e che diavolo!

Devo parlare con quel signore che sta prendendo il treno. La prego!

- Non si può. - Ho capito, cafone!

Darling, I knew you wouldn't let me down. My sisters are over there.

Robert...

Robert!

I'm here! Robert!

I'll send you both a wedding present.

Andiamo!

There you are.

I'll give the fellow credit: he's a jolly good loser.

You stop here and don't move. I'll bring my sisters.

- Ho detto non si può! - Ho capito!

- Ancora lei! - È un padre di famiglia, mi può capire.

Mi guardi, sola e abbandonata con questo bambino. Il giorno delle nozze.

E il padre di questo bambino sta partendo.

Mascalzone americano!

- Americano? - Americano d'America.

Se lei non mi fa passare, quello lì se ne va!

I can't let you go without talking to her.

She's got that little something extra.

That little something extra. This could never happen in England.

It's this beastly climate.

- Eccolo! - È lui?

- Il papà. - L'americano? Ci penso io.

Guarda papà.

...nobody's gonna... That's not mine. I'm gonna leave this country.

I'm gonna go back to America!

Lisa, tell him I'm not...

He's done it again.

I thought you were both on your way to America.

You've two minutes to get everyone out.

I received a letter from Margaret. She's forgiven me.

We might even get married. I needed the money.

I want everyone out.

They're so quiet, you won't notice they're around.

All right. If you won't throw them out, I will.

Are you sure those two people are married?

Sister, this time I'm sure.