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[ dog barking ]

[ barking ]

[ crows call ]

[ barking ]

[ barking ]

[ crows call ]

[ barking ]

[ loons cry ]

[ airplane engine starts ]

TOWER: Firing group, please be tight enough to go.

All you have to do is be our pal.

Say nice things about us.

Tell the folks at home

what a good job we'’re doing.

Take our offer, Yossarian.

Either that, or a court-martial for desertion.

What about the other men in the squadron?

I'’d be playing a rotten trick on them.

They'’ll be happier when you'’re gone.

Won'’t even think about you.

They have a war to win.

Well...

What the hell?

If they don'’t want to fly any more missions,

they'’ll say so like I did.

Precisely.

It'’s a deal?

It'’s a deal.

[ rake scrapes ]

Ah...

Help.

[ planes continue flying overhead ]

PILOT: Help him.

What? Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'’m the bombardier. I'’m all right.

Then help him! Help him!

Snowden.

What'’d he say?

He said, "Snowden."

Snowden'’s dead.

Snowden?

Why is he talking to a dead man?

Oh, he'’s Captain Yossarian.

So? He'’s crazy.

Who says so? I do.

Why? Just because I said I hate that S.O.B. over there?

Who?He hates Colonel Cathcart.

I didn'’t ask you.

Colonel Cathcart isn'’t even here.

Who said anything about Cathcart?

Colonel Korn isn'’t here either.

Who said anything about Colonel Korn?

Well, what S.O.B. do you hate, then?

What S.O.B. is here?

You don'’t make any sense.You don'’t even know who you hate.

You'’ve got a persecution complex.

You'’re damn right I have.

You admit it!

I admit I'’m being persecuted.

Yeah? By who?By them!

But who specifically is "them"?

Every one of them!Every one of who?

Every one of who do you think?

I don'’t have any idea!

Then how do you know they aren'’t?

[ others laughing ]

That'’s sheer what-do-you-call-it.

Sophistry.Right. Sophistry.

Like hell it is.

Those bastards are trying to kill me!

No one'’s trying to kill you, sweetheart.

Now eat your dessert like a good boy.

Oh, yeah? Then why are they shooting at me, Milo?

They'’re shooting at everyone, Yossarian.

And what difference does that make?

Look, Yossarian,

suppose everyone thought the same way you do--

I'’d be a damn fool to think different.

You know what? You ought to have your head examined.

There'’s nothing wrong with it.

Look at it once, will you?

Sorry, Yossarian, your head is okay.

Aah!

Please, don'’t do that.

Doc. What?

Doc. Yeah?

I want you to ground me.

Don'’t start that again.

Doc. Yeah.

I don'’t want to fly anymore.Why?

It'’s dangerous. Aah!

Listen, I told you...

Let'’s get out of here, huh?

I'’ve flown 35 missions, for Christ'’s sake.

Take it easy.Now that sadistic nut

has raised the number up to 50.

In any other outfit,

I would have been rotated after 25.

Doc, you gotta help me out.

Look, I'’m due for rotation myself

in a couple of months

if I don'’t cause any trouble or break any rules.

And the rules say I can'’t ground anyone

just because he asks me to.

Can you ground somebody crazy?

Of course. I have to.

There'’s a rule that says so.

I'’m crazy!

Who says so?

Ask anybody. Ask--

Hey, Orr!

Orr, tell him!Tell him what?

Am I crazy?

He'’s crazy, doc. He won'’t fly with me.

I take good care of him, but he won'’t.

He'’s crazy, all right.

That'’s proof, isn'’t it? They all say I'’m crazy.

They'’re crazy.

Then why don'’t you ground them?

Why they don'’t ask me to?

Because they'’re crazy, that'’s why.

Of course they'’re crazy. I just told you that.

And you can'’t let crazy people decide

whether you'’re crazy or not, can you?

Is Orr crazy?Of course he is.

He has to be to keep flying after all his close calls.

Why can'’t you ground him?

I can, but first he has to ask me.

That'’s all he'’s gotta do to be grounded?

That'’s all.Then you can ground him?

No. Then I cannot ground him.

Aah! There'’s a catch.

A catch?

Sure. Catch-22.

Anyone who wants to get out of combat

isn'’t really crazy, so I can'’t ground him.

Okay, let me see if I'’ve got this straight.

In order to be grounded,

I'’ve got to be crazy.

I must be crazy to keep flying.

But if I ask to be grounded,

that means I'’m not crazy anymore,

and I have to keep flying.

You'’ve got it. That'’s catch-22.

Whoo!

That'’s some catch, that catch-22.

It'’s the best there is.

Good afternoon, men.

This is Major Danby, your flight operations officer,

welcoming you to today'’s mission.

You'’ve all been briefed on this morning'’s run,

so I won'’t go over the details again.

There'’s no sense naming names,

since the enemy is probably listening,

and there'’s no reason I can think of to tell them

exactly where we'’re going to strike.

That'’s the stupidest goddamn thing I ever heard him say.

That'’s right.

Weather conditions have improved tremendously

over the mainland,

so you won'’t have any trouble at all

seeing the target.

Of course, you mustn'’t forget,

that means that they will have no trouble at all seeing you.

I believe Colonel Cathcart

would like to say a few words before takeoff, men,

and so without further ado--

Give me that!

Men, I won'’t waste any more of your time than I have to.

I wish you good luck on today'’s mission.

To those of you who won'’t be coming back,

I'’d like to say we'’ll do our best

to take care of your wives and/or sweethearts.

And don'’t forget:

General Dreedle wants to see a nice,

tight bombing pattern

on those aerial photographs.

Everyone ready to go?

Now, Colonel Korn,

I'’d like you to stay in the control tower.

Stay on top of this mission. It'’s a tough one.

I'’d like to know when my boys make target.

Yes, sir.

What is it, Lieutenant Minderbinder?

An egg, sir.

I know that, Lieutenant.

A fresh egg, sir.

Where did you get the egg?

In Malta, sir,

where there are enough chickens to lay fresh eggs

for every officer in the squadron,

at 5 cents apiece from the mess fund.

[ airplanes flying overhead ]Yes?

With a clear profit of 2 cents per egg.

For whom?

Sir, for whomever sells the eggs to the mess.

And who may that be, Milo?

Ah, sir.

Oranges from Marrakesh, and pecans.

Pecans!And in Palermo, sir,

10,000 gallons of the finest Italian olive oil.

The Sicilians need blankets.

It would be a fair trade, sir.

There'’s an interested party in Sardinia.

All we need is the cooperation

of the countries we'’re dealing with.

What countries are you dealing with?

The African nations--African?

Countries in the greater Mediterranean area.

Oh, I see.So, what we have to have

is an additional assignment of personnel...

[ aircraft tires screeching ]

...a little time, and a plane.

[ loud crash and explosion ][ inaudible speech ]

If I had one at my disposal,

I could get the eggs.

Well, all right, Milo.

And if I was taken off combat duty, sir,

that is, just until I get this thing into operation...

But, Milo--I know, sir.

I'’m just an acting mess officer, Colonel,

but the job requires my full attention.

It'’s to everyone'’s benefit.Well, all right.

Take whatever you need, Milo.

Thank you, sir. I hope to give the men here

the finest cuisine in the entire world.

That'’s really something to shoot at, isn'’t it?

Yes, Milo, it certainly is.

[ explosion ]

[ ambulance bells ringing ]

With the Colonel'’s permission,

I'’d like to show him something I'’ve had printed up.

Oh. Well, what is it?

Just an idea, sir.

It'’s a share.

A share?

In M & M Enterprises.

I think if we can get my ideas into practice,

it should be organized along the lines of a mart--

A mart?

Yes, sir. A syndicate.

An enterprise.

There are tremendous profits to be made, Colonel.

For us?

For everyone. I feel, sir,

that what would be good for M & M Enterprises

would be good for the country.

You'’ll have our full cooperation, Milo.

Thank you, sir.

If I could take a plane this afternoon,

I'’d like to get this material to Alexandria.

There'’s a huge cotton crop this year.

Cotton? Yes, sir.

Cotton is a particularly liquid commodity.

How much?We'’ll trade for it, sir.

With what?

Silk.

Four thousand yards of silk.

How in the world did you get hold of so much silk?

Where the hell'’s my parachute?

Okay, all right.

Which one of you bastards stole my parachute?

Hello? Hello?

This is the bombardier here.

We got to turn back.

Uh, Nately, we got to turn back now.

Ahem, um, Nately!

You hear me up there? We got to turn back.

Okay, we'’re going to turn back now.

Nately, let'’s turn back.

We'’re going to turn back.

What is it this time, Yossarian?

Some bastard stole my chute.

Ah...

Anything the matter?

My parachute...

What about it?

It'’s gone.

Don'’t worry about it.

What do you mean, "Don'’t worry about it"?

What am I supposed to do if I have to bail out,

use my handkerchief?

That'’s the kind of humor in the face of adversity

that keeps America strong.

I like you, Yossarian.

Listen, Aardvark, I'’d like to kill you,

but I haven'’t got time right now.

You could have my chute, but I gave it to Milo.

You gave it to Milo?

He'’s got all the chutes.

He'’s got a hell of a deal going for silk in Alexandria.

Maybe I do have time to k--

Aah!

Looks like they'’ve seen us coming.

They'’ve seen us! Oh, God! They'’ve seen us!

Better get ready to dump those eggs.

Oh!

Somebody!

They'’re shooting at me!

Where are we?

Hey, Aardvark, where are we?

I think we'’re there.

We'’re there?

We'’re there?

We'’re there.

Get ready to turn.

4...

3...

2...

1...

Drop!

Let'’s go!

Turn right, hard!

Turn, turn! Turn, you son of a bitch!

Turn right!

Turn! Turn right!

Look at that, will you?

I think we'’ve got '’em this time.

I think we'’ve got '’em where it hurts.

Get out of here!I can'’t hear you.

Get back in the ship.

What'’s that?

Oh! Climb, you bastard!

Climb! Climb!

Fire!

Fire onboard!

Fire? Where'’s the fire?

Aardvark, get out of the nose.

You'’ll have to speak up. I still can'’t hear you.

Are you trying to kill us?

Don'’t you understand? Get out of here!

PILOT: Which way should I go?

Turn left, you son of a bitch!

Turn left! Oh!

Wow! There goes Orr.

That stupid little bastard.

Pull up!

[ explosion ]

Hey, I think you'’ve caught a little something there.

Is that my leg?

Hey, is that my leg?

What'’s with my leg?

Take it easy.

My leg!

Yossarian'’s caught one.

What'’s that? I don'’t get you.

PILOT: Help him.

What?

Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'’m the bombardier. I'’m all right.

Then help him! Help him!

[ wind gusting ]

It'’s, uh...

What'’s his name? The new gunner?

Snowden. Yeah.

Snowden.

I'’m cold.

Okay. You'’re going to be okay.

Cold. I'’m cold.

WOMAN: Over here!

Hurry up! Hey!

What?

I asked how you were feeling.

Oh.

Better, thank you.

What about you?

Me?

Fairly well, thank you.

You'’re welcome.

Except for a slight head cold.

Mm...

Had it for about a week.

Can'’t seem to shake it.

You know what they'’re like.

No, I, uh...

I don'’t.

I'’ve never really had a head cold.

I'’ve tried, but, uh...

[ both laugh ]

...can'’t seem to be able to get one.

Well, you'’re very lucky.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Except for this piece of shrapnel

I caught in my leg.

Yes.

I'’ve never caught a piece of shrapnel.

Mmm.

You'’re a chaplain!

Yes. Didn'’t you know that?

No, I didn'’t.

I'’ve never really seen a chaplain before.

I had no idea chaplains looked like that.

Oh, well...well.

If I can do anything to help you,

anything at all, you--

Anything?

Like books, or... or cigarettes.

Toys?

No, I have everything I need.

Thank you very much.

Uh...You could do one thing for me.

What?

Well, if you could speak to Major Duluth...

The squadron commander.Yes.

And tell him I don'’t want to fly anymore.

Cathcart'’s raised the number of missions again.

He'’s trying to kill us all.

I can'’t do it. I'’m desperate.

It'’s not my business--I'’m desperate!

I'’ll see what I can do.

I really will. I'’ll do my best.

Aah!

[ whispering, indistinct ]

Remember, it takes me 45 minutes to do this thing.

First I sauté the chicken parts,

take them out,

then I put the raisins and the almonds in...

[ both whispering ]

Aah!

[ tires squeal, cars crash ]

He-- He yelled.

I'’m-- I'’m-- I'’m awfully sorry, sir.

What'’s your name?

Um, Major, sir.

I didn'’t ask your rank. I asked your name.

I know, sir. I'’m a captain.

My name is Major. Captain Major.

Just about as clear as mud, isn'’t it?

About as clear, all right.

Well, captain, you'’re familiar

with Major Duluth, the squadron commander?

Yes, sir. He'’s a fine man, sir.

Was.Uh, sir?

Major Duluth is dead.

I'’m extremely distraught to hear that, sir.

You may be distraught, but he'’s dead--

Shot down over Perugia this afternoon.

That'’ll teach him to go fooling around on bombing missions

when he'’s supposed to be working in the office.

Sir, I don'’t see what--

It means we'’ll need a new squadron commander.

You'’re the only major available

on our headquarters staff.

Major is my name, not my rank.

That'’s close enough for me, Major.

Consider yourself a major now.

I don'’t know anything about being squadron commander.

We all have to make sacrifices, Major.

Sir, I'’m in billeting and laundry.

I know that, sir,

but we all have to do our part, I guess.

Well, I don'’t like my part.

Sergeant, I'’m, uh... I'’m going to take

the rest of the afternoon off

and lie down in my tent, and think about things.

Sir, someone'’s waiting to see you.

Now?

Yes, sir.

Who is it?

Captain Tappman, sir.

He'’s a group chaplain.

Well, what does he want?

I don'’t know, sir. Something to do with Captain Yossarian.

Look, um, Sergeant...

the job that I have to do is tough enough

without having to deal all the time

with a lot of people who want something.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.

I suppose you'’re wondering about this.

No, sir. It'’s not my place to wonder.

I don'’t like people staring at me, Sergeant.

People stare at me. Did you know that?

No, sir.Because they'’re thinking,

"Who'’s that Major Major,

"that he gets to be squadron commander

without ever having flown in a plane?"

Oh, I don'’t think people are thinking that, sir.

Well, they are.

But when I have this on,

they don'’t know who I am.

[ laughs ]

Did you know, in the Middle Ages

a lot of princes and kings

put on disguises and walked around their subjects?

No, sir, I didn'’t know that.

So you don'’t know everything, do you, Sergeant?

No, sir. Why did they do that?

Why did who do what?

Why did princes and kings

walk around in disguise?

How the hell should I know?

I'’m not some historian or anything.

Just a guy trying to do his job.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

Sir?

What is it now?

What about the chaplain?

Sergeant, from now on,

I don'’t want anyone coming in to see me

while I'’m in my office, is that clear?

Yes, sir. What do I say to people?

Tell them I'’m in and ask them to wait.

For how long?Until I'’ve left.

Then what?

I don'’t care.

May I send people in after you'’ve left?

Yes.You won'’t be here then?

No.I see, sir. Will that be all?

Also, I don'’t want you coming in

asking me if there'’s anything you can do for me.

Is that clear?Yes, sir.

When should I ask you?

When I'’m not there.

What do I do then?

Whatever has to be done.Yes, sir.

I'’m sorry I have to talk to you this way,

but I have to.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, sir.

Sergeant?

Yes, sir?

Thank you. For everything.

Thank you, sir.

The major will see you now, Father.

Oh. Thank you.[ phone rings ]

You don'’t have to call me Father. I'’m--

Sergeant Towser speaking.

Will you go in?

Yes, sir.

Have it here, sir.

There'’s no one here.

Where?In Major Major'’s office.

When?

When you go to see him.

What I mean is you can'’t see him

when he'’s there in his office.

I'’ve tried several times.

So when can you see him? Ever?

Yes. Yes, yes, indeed.

You can see him when he isn'’t there.

That is, he'’ll see you,

but only in his office

and only when he'’s not there.

The other times, when he'’s in,

he'’s not, uh...

there...

to be seen...

Except when he'’s out.

What the hell are you talking about, Father?

Sir?

Get your ass in here, Padre.

Were you describing

some mystical experience you'’ve had?

No, sir. It'’s just that some peculiar things are happening.

You haven'’t had any ecstatic visions, have you?

No, sir.Didn'’t see a burning bush?

Hear any voices?

No, it wasn'’t anything quite so extraordinary--

I hope not.

I think we have to keep our supernatural episodes

down to a minimum, what with a war to win.

You get my meaning?

Absolutely, sir.

May I ask where we'’re going?

Where we'’regoing?

You are going to Colonel Cathcart'’s office.

Now?

That'’s the idea, Padre: now.

Is there anything wrong, sir?

Have I done anything?

I don'’t know, Padre.

Are you and Captain Yossarian up to something?

I don'’t know what you mean, sir.

You don'’t, huh? Then who does?

I don'’t know, sir.

You don'’t know much about anything, do you, Father?

No, sir. Uh, sir...

What is it?

It'’s not necessary to call me Father.

I'’m an Anabaptist.

Well, thanks for the correction.

Thanks for setting me straight on that.

I thought you'’d like to know--

Listen, Padre, you'’re a captain, right?

Yes, sir.And I'’m a lieutenant-colonel.

Is that correct so far?

Yes, sir, it is.

Then I can call you just about anything I want to,

unless, of course, you have some objection.

No, sir. Out!

Thank you, sir.

Uh, sir, do you think now--

Good morning. Ah!

Is there anything I can get you?

Morning. What?

Do you need anything? Any supplies?

No. Whiskey?

Silk stockings? Building material?

Fresh fruit?

Oh, well, I--

what about religious supplies?

As a matter of fact, Father,

I can get my hands on an entire shipment

of religious relics blessed by the pope himself.

The Germans swiped them and put them on the market.

As I understand it, the stuff includes

the wrists and collarbones of some top saints.

That'’s very kind of you.

If you need anything, just ask for Milo.

Well, I'’ve never been issued a blanket.

Anything at all, now.

Ahem.

Yeah?

I think the colonel wants to see me.

He does?

I believe so.

I'’m...Chaplain Tappman.

You'’reChaplain Tappman?

Sit down. I'’ll tell the colonel you'’re here, Father.

It'’s not...

[ door closes ][ sighs ]

You-- You'’d better get some dry things.

Oh, I will,

as soon as the colonel'’s through with me.

They just picked me up out of the sea.

They did?

I drifted for almost three days.

You should report to the hospital.

You could catch pneumonia.

Oh, no. Not me.

This is my fourth time.

How do you mean?

I'’ve put down in the Mediterranean once,

once in the Adriatic,

and I crash-landed one plane,

and I bailed out once.

You'’re very lucky.

That'’s what some folks say.

Yossarian says they'’re gonna start

taking it out of my salary.

Y-Yossarian?

Yes, he'’s a friend of mine.

Do you know him?

Yes, I do. In fact--

Captain Tappman?

Yes.

Perhaps you shouldn'’t fly anymore.

It'’s good practice.

Tappman, the colonel is a very busy man.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Chaplain, we don'’t see much of you lately.

Well, sir, I...

try to stay out of the way as much as possible.

I have a feeling I make the men uncomfortable.

Nonsense. I can'’t imagine any man

not enjoying the benefits of your presence,

unless, of course, they'’re atheists.

I guess there'’s not much chance of that, is there?

I don'’t know, sir.

What do you mean, you don'’t know?

Atheism is against the law, right?

No. It isn'’t?

Well, then, it'’s un-American, isn'’t it?

I'’m not sure, sir.

Well, I am.

If I find any lousy atheists on this base,

bet your ass they'’ll soon start believing in something.

Well, that'’s not why I called you in, Chaplain.

I want you to look at this.

Page 48.

You don'’t have to read the whole thing.

You can get the point from the photographs.

There'’s a full-page picture of a colonel in England

whose chaplain conducts prayers before every mission.

I see no reason why The Saturday Evening Post

should not be interested in the story of myoutfit.

You think up some nice, snappy prayers

that'’ll send the officers out feeling good.

Can you do that? Hmm?

I'’ll try.

Well, good. Let'’s get to it.

Yes, sir.

Is there something else?

Sir, it may be none of my business,

but I think some of the men are particularly upset

about the fact that you keep raising

the number of missions they have to fly.

You'’re right, Chaplain.

I am, sir?

You'’re right that it'’s none of your business.

And it'’s none of their business either.

Their business is to fly missions.

Your business is to think of some short, catchy prayers

that'’ll get me into The Saturday Evening Post.

Now good afternoon, Chaplain.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Excuse me,Padre.

Chaplain says the men are upset

because I keep raising the number of missions.

Yossarian.

What?

It'’s that Captain Yossarian.

He'’s always bitching,

always making trouble.

What can we do?

What would General Dreedle do?

He'’d crush him.

Tear him apart.Smack him in the face.

Jab him in the kidneys.

Kick him in the balls.

[ yelps and groans ]

Keep your head down between your legs.

Try to breathe deeply and evenly.

Ugh!Sorry, Captain.

I know how that must feel.

I don'’t think so.

Try not to talk. Think about nice things.

Think how lovely it is here.

[ sighs ]

How lovely everything could be

if someone didn'’t always try to spoil it.

Why do you always try to spoil it?

Because I love you.

Well, I know that, Captain, I know that.

But this is wartime.

We'’ve got a job to do, soldier.

We just can'’t give in to ourselves.

Think how it is for me,

one of a handful of women

on an island with thousands of men.

Men who are giving up their lives

for our country, for me.

Think of that--

Captain Yossarian!

What are you doing?

Listen. I'’m gonna die.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Aah!

Uh-ho-ho, God!

Oh!

[ whispers ] What is it?

What'’s the matter?

Ooh!

The town'’s name is Ferrara,

and, uh, it'’s right around here.

It'’s a very pretty town, on the coast.

[ groaning and snorting ]

You all right?

Yossarian.It'’s her, it'’s her.

Who? Dreedle'’s WAC.

If you do your job well,

there won'’t be much left of it, anyway.

Intelligence indicates you shouldn'’t

have to worry about flak and that kind of stuff.

We were hoping for new recon photos

on enemy strength in that area.

Unfortunately, they haven'’t arrived,

but as I always say, no news is good news.

A lot of you may ask yourselves,

"How come we'’re out to destroy a town

"that has no industry, no enemy bases,

no strategic value to anyone?"

Ten-hut!

As you were. Good morning, gentlemen.

We'’re honored to have General Dreedle

sitting in with us on today'’s briefing.

I don'’t want the men to pay any attention to me.

Just carry on as usual.

Don'’t pay any attention to Dad--

Will you clam up?

And don'’t call me Dad.

Go right ahead with your briefing, Major.

Yes. Well... thank you, sir.

I was-- I was just telling the men here--

Don'’t tell me. Tell them.

Tell the men, Danby.

Yes.

I was just explaining why

we'’re going to obliterate--

What about a chair?

Sir?

A chair.

Beg your pardon, General?

A chair!

Doesn'’t anyone, for God'’s sake,

know what a chair is?

Can'’t you see a lady is standing?

A chair for Dad'’s girlfr-- For the lady!

MAN: Get a chair!

Carry on.

What we'’re going to do now, men,

is synchronize our watches.

Now, we'’ve all done this before,

so I don'’t think we'’ll have any problem.

If everyone will look down at his wristwatch,

we can begin.

It is now 1115 hours,

minus 50, 49,

48, 47...[ groans ]

...46, 45,

44, 43...

Mmm... Yossarian.

...40,

39, 38,

37...[ whimpers and giggles ]

...36, 35,

34, 33...

[ groans ]...32,

31...[ laughs ]

...29, 28...

[ whimpers ]...27,

26, 25,

24...Somebody'’s gonna get it.

...22, 21,

20...

[ groans ]...19, 18...

[ all groaning loudly ]

...16, 15, 14,

13, 12...

All right, at ease.

...10, 9...

There'’ll be no more moaning in this outfit.

The next man who moans will be very sorry.

...1.

Oh.

Who is this man?

Major Danby, sir.

Danby. D-A-N-B-Y.

Take him out and shoot him.

Sir?

I said take him out and shoot him.

Can'’t you hear?Yes, sir.

Take Major Danby out and shoot him.

I think you'’d better wait a minute, Dad.

What?

I don'’t think you can shoot him.

Why the hell can'’t I?

[ whispering ] Why not?

You mean I can'’t shoot whoever I want to?

Is that a fact?I'’m afraid it is, Dad.

Guess you think you'’re pretty smart, don'’t you?

Just because my half-wit daughter married you

for God knows whatever bizarre reason.

Oh, no, Dad, it'’s just--

All right.

Let the insubordinate son of a bitch go,

but get him out of here.

Better do something.

All right, men, I think we...

owe a vote of thanks

to General Dreedle for visiting with us today

and cheering us all up.

In his honor, I'’d like to make an announcement

which may be of interest.Uh-oh.

I know you men are all anxious to do your part...

Here it comes.

As of now, the number of missions required

before you are eligible for rotation

is raised to 75.

I know we'’ll all do our best.

Ten-hut!

What are you smiling at, you silly bastard?

Now I won'’t have to go home.

You what?

I can stay here. I don'’t have to leave her.

What are you saying?

I love her.

[ babbling ] I do!

I really do.

I never felt anything like this before,

not even for my mom.

Men don'’t fall in love

with girls like that.

Men always fall in love with girls like that.

Ah, one or the other.

I'’m taking her back to Long Island with me.

Look, you don'’t really love her.

You think you love her.

How can you tell the difference?

Between what?

Between loving her and thinking it?

You have to be objective.

Who'’s objective?

I am. Oh. How come?

Because I'’m not in love with her.

You mean you think you'’re not.

That'’s right.

Then how can you tell the difference?

Wait a second. [ laughs ]

Hey, look.

Whoo! Look what Aarfy'’s got.

Say goodbye, McWatt.

Come on, McWatt.

[ yelling in Italian ]

Did you see what he did?

Make him tell you what he did.

[ laughs ]

What'’d you do, Aarfy?

Nothing. Nice girl. Very nice girl.

She wanted us to go home with her.

She said she would show us a good time.

We had a good time. We saw the Coliseum

and lots of other sights.

Why didn'’t you take her home?

Come on, I wasn'’t going to take advantage of such a sweet kid.

Old Aarfy'’s got some principles.

You'’ve got a diseased mind.

All she wanted to do was jump in the sack with somebody.

What'’s the matter with you?

She'’s mixed up, that'’s all.

I gave her a good talking to.

He did! [ laughs ]

I straightened her out and sent her home.

He did! He did!

You crazy bastard!You'’re beneath contempt.

He'’s got a dirty mind, right, Yossarian?

The dirtiest.Well, I don'’t see it that way.

Guys, they want us to go home with them.

For how much?

$30!Who'’s the runt?

Nately'’s whore'’s kid sister.

Come on. I want to spend some time with my girl.

I'’ll pay for all of us.

Why not give her $30 and send the others away?

Then she'’ll be angry with me

for making her work for her money.

She says if I really loved her,

I'’d send her away and sleep with the others.

I swear, you fellas.

Come on, Yossarian, let'’s go.

Go on, you go.

What'’s wrong?

What isn'’t wrong?

Two more missions, and we'’re on our way home.

Are you kidding? You know what'’s gonna happen.

No. A whole bunch of replacement pilots

came into Naples yesterday.

Who says? Milo says.

He just came from there with 20 truckloads of coconuts.

We'’ll never see those replacements or those coconuts.

Ah, Cathcart wouldn'’t dare raise the number of missions again.

Who'’s gonna stop him?

[ bicycle bell dings ]

Somebody will.

Come on.

Nately!

Hey, Nately, wait for me!

Yo!

All right.

I want to get this clear.

As I understand it,

we'’re presenting these men with medals

for doing a lousy job, is that right?

That'’s not quite the situation, Dad.

When I want an answer from you, I'’ll look at you,

which will be as seldom as possible.

General, I think I can explain it.

You damn well better.

Yesterday'’s mission was to bomb Ferrara.

Ferrara?

Why Ferrara?

What do you mean, why Ferrara?

You know what Ferrara is?

It'’s a town on a hill.

YOSSARIAN: You know what'’s in that town?

Five minutes to target.

What'’s in it? Nothing.

What? Nothing'’s in it.

No Germans, no munitions,

no railroad crossing, no harbor, nothing.

Nothing at all?

No, except people, Italian people.

And a monastery.

Yossarian, maybe it'’s some kind of strategy thing.

What the hell are we doing?

Yossarian, it'’s not our business to ask.

Whose business is it?

Four minutes to target.

Take us in, Yossarian.

Get ready to duck.

What are you doing? We'’re not there yet.

Get away from there, Aardvark.

Yossarian, you'’ll screw up the mission.

What'’s going on, Yossarian?

Get ready to turn!

Yossarian, what are you doing?

Cut it out, Yossarian!

Hey! Hey!

Drop!

A direct hit...

on the ocean?

Yes, sir. A marvelous bomb pattern.

We have aerial photographs, if you'’d like to see them.

Are you telling me we'’re decorating a bunch of men

who dropped 20 tons of very expensive bombs

on the Mediterranean?

Well, sir, if you consider the alternative...

The alternative is that we take the whole crew of numbskulls out

and shoot them.

Might be a problem there, sir.

All right. I know.

If we can'’t shoot the sons of bitches,

we can court-martial them,

see they rot in some stockade.

Well, sir, we felt that a court-martial

might get unavoidable publicity.

If it got around we used one of our missions

to bomb the ocean...

You don'’t have to say anything more, Colonel.

Ten-hut!

For distinguished duty

in the face of overwhelming...

something...

Odds.Odds...

this air medal is awarded

to Captain J.S....

McWatt.McWatt.

Come on, come on.

McWatt, what are you waiting for, a kiss?

Get back in there.

And on the double!

For meritorious action

in the face of concentrated enemy fire,

Captain...

What'’s this?

Come on, Dumbo.

Yossarian, sir....Yossarian!

Unless I miss my guess, Captain...

you'’re out of uniform.

[ snickering ]

What are you looking at?

Get back in the car, you smirking slut.

[ woman soldier giggling ]

Why aren'’t you wearing clothes, Captain?

I don'’t want to.

What do you mean, you don'’t want to?

Why the hell don'’t you?

I don'’t know. I just don'’t want to.

Why isn'’t he wearing clothes?

He'’s talking to you.

Why isn'’t he wearing clothes, Major?

Why isn'’t he wearing clothes, sergeant?

A man was killed in his plane over Avignon last week

and bled all over him.

His clothes haven'’t come back

from the laundry yet.

GENERAL: Where are his other uniforms?

SERGEANT: They'’re in the laundry too, sir.

Where'’s his underwear?

In the laundry, sir.

That sounds like a lot of crap to me.

It is a lot of crap, sir.

Sir, this man will be punished severely.

What the hell do I care?

If he wants to receive a medal

without any clothes on,

what the hell business is it of yours?

My sentiments exactly, sir.

GENERAL: Here'’s your medal, Captain.

You'’re a very weird person, Yossarian.

Thank you, sir.

You are giving me this?

Yes. Perché?

Because you'’re very beautiful

and because your name is Luciana.

That was my mother'’s name.

But my real name is Elinora Rosanna.

I only call myself Luciana.

Hey! My mother only called herself Luciana.

Her real name was Elinora Rosanna.

I don'’t believe you.

I don'’t blame you.

What you get this for?

Will you believe me if I tell you the truth?

Yes. Okay.

I was awarded that particular medal for killing fish.

Oh-ho. You have killed many fish?

Oh, yes. I am one of the biggest--

I am perhaps-- In fact,

I am the most renowned killer of fish

in the whole United States Army Air Force.

Okay. I'’ll dance with you,

but I won'’t let you sleep with me.

Who asked you?

You don'’t want to sleep with me?

I don'’t want to dance with you.

You'’re crazy.Mm-hmm. You think so?

[ both laugh ]

Watch where you put your hands, G.I.

My name is Yossarian.

Watch where you put your hands, Yossarian.

[ wind gusting ]

It'’s, uh...

What'’s his name? The new gunner?

PILOT: Snowden.

Yeah.

Snowden.

I'’m cold.

Okay. You'’re going to be okay.

Cold. I'’m cold.

There.

It'’s starting to hurt me.

Okay. Hang on.

I'’ll get you some morphine.

Milo!

You prick!

Hi. What'’s up?

Hey, it'’s good to see you.

When'’d you get out of the hospital?

Never mind about the hospital.

We got a couple things to talk over.

How are you feeling? How'’s the leg?

I'’m sorry I didn'’t get over to visit you,

but I'’ve been in Naples all week.

Milo! I want to know about that parachute.

What parachute?My parachute!

The one I'’m supposed to use

if I'’ve got to jump out of the plane.

Oh, that parachute.

I think you have to remember, Yossarian,

that your parachute was just 1 of 50 or 60 parachutes

taken over by the Syndicate.

I don'’t give a damn about the Syndicate.

Here, have a tomato.

I don'’t want one of your goddamn tomatoes.

They'’re the Syndicate'’s tomatoes, our tomatoes,

just as these are our statues.

In fact, that'’s where your parachute went,

all the parachutes.

You traded my parachute for a bunch of statues?

Well, no. Point of fact,

I traded our diesel engines for the statues.

I don'’t have any diesel engines.

I didn'’t say your. I said our.

I got the diesel engine for two planeloads of lumber

and 100 pairs of shoes and the parachutes.

I don'’t think the men in this squadron will be very happy

when they find out what you'’ve been doing.

Well, for heaven'’s sake, don'’t they understand?

We'’re gonna come out of this war rich.

You'’re gonna come out rich!

We'’re gonna come out dead!

What does he want?

Who?

Hungry Joe.

What is the matter?

I got a feeling.

I think it is.

What? Come on.

What is it?I don'’t know,

but if it'’s what I think it is...

It'’s just McWatt.I know it'’s just McWatt.

That bastard'’s been doing that to me for months.

He'’s jealous of her.Because she likes you better?

No, she likes him better.

Then why doesn'’t she go out with him?

She can'’t stand him!

Good old McWatt!

What'’s so good about him?

He'’s carrying me on his manifest.

Every time he goes up,

he files my name as a passenger.

That way I can get my flight pay

without having to do anything stupid

like going up in a plane.

[ laughs ] Look!

What is he saying?

He'’s coming back!

Who was it?

Hungry Joe.

I'’ll have to requisition a new photographer from group.

Is there anything I can do?

McWatt'’s still up there.

Doc Daneeka'’s up there too.

I'’m right here.

Come on down, McWatt.

Probably afraid to come down.

He knows what kind of trouble he'’s in.

[ engine stops ]

He cut his engine.

McWatt!

Why doesn'’t Daneeka jump? He'’s got a chute.

I'’m right here, Sergeant. I'’m not in the plane.

Jump, Doc! Jump!

Jump. Jump, Doc.

Please. Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Poor Hungry Joe.

Poor McWatt.

Poor Doc.

Yeah.

Poor Doc.

I'’ll need a full report on this, Captain Yossarian.

Yossarian?

I haven'’t seen you in some time.

Not since...

Snowden'’s funeral.

Snowden.

And do you want to say something, sir?

What?

I just wondered if you wanted to say anything.

No. No, no.

I didn'’t actually know the young fellow.

It was his first mission.

Did you know him, Danby?

No, I don'’t think I ever heard the name.

What was it?

Snowden, I think.

Oh, yes.

Well, I'’ll just read something.

Yes, you...

You do that.

Is something wrong?No. No.

I just thought I saw something.

Ahem.

A naked man in a tree?

Yes, that'’s it.

That'’s just Yossarian.

Oh.

Oh. Well, in that case...

"The Lord is my shepherd.

"I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures."

Hey!

I'’ve been looking all over for you.

You should'’ve looked for me in this tree.

I don'’t want to butt in or anything,

but I just wondered why you weren'’t wearing your uniform.

I don'’t wanna.

Ah-ha.

Yossarian, do something for me.

I want to serve this to the men.

Taste it and let me know what you think.

What is it?

Chocolate-covered cotton.

[ spits ]

What are you, crazy?No good, huh?

For Christ'’s sake, you didn'’t take the seeds out!

Is it really that bad?It'’s cotton!

They'’ve got to learn to like it.

Why?I saw this great opportunity.

I cornered the market in Egyptian cotton.

How was I supposed to know there was gonna be a glut?

I'’ve got 100 warehouses stocked with this stuff

all over the European theater.

I can'’t get rid of a penny'’s worth.

People eat cotton candy, don'’t they?

Well, this stuff is better. It'’s made out of real cotton.

Milo, people can'’t eat cotton!

They'’ve got to!

It'’s for the Syndicate!

It will make them sick!

Why don'’t you try it yourself if you don'’t believe me.

I did, and it made me sick.

[ gunshots ] Aah!

Look at that. Looks like a funeral.

Yeah, they'’re burying that kid

that got killed in my plane the other day.

Oh? What happened to him?

He got killed.

[ gunshots ]

What?

I said he got killed.

I'’m sorry.

He was your friend?

Maybe. I don'’t know.

He was very old.

But he was a boy.

Well, he died.

You don'’t get any older than that.

[ bells chiming ]

Where do you work?

I'’m not a whore.

I didn'’t say you were.

I work in big American company.

Me too.

You'’ll see me again?

Mmm. Why?

Why not?

You think I'’m beautiful?

I think you'’re perfect.

That'’s not true.

It is true. No.

See?

Jesus! How did they, uh...?

Air raid.

Germans?

Americane.

You do not want me now?

What are you talking about? I want you now.

I want your everything. I want you to marry me.

You'’re crazy.Why am I crazy?

You can'’t want to marry me.

Why not?Because I'’m not a virgin.

What does that got to do with it?

Nobody wants to marry a girl who'’s not a virgin.

I do. I want to marry you.

Not possible.

Why not?

Because you'’re crazy.Why am I crazy?

Because you want to marry me.

Wait. You won'’t marry me because I'’m crazy,

and you say I'’m crazy because I want to marry you, right?

Sí. You'’re crazy.

Why?

Because I love you.

Te amo. Te amo molto.

How can you love a girl who is not a virgin?

Because I can'’t marry you.

Why you can'’t marry me?

Just because I'’m not virgin?

No. Because you'’re crazy!

You'’re crazy. You'’re crazy.

You'’re all crazy!Why are we crazy?

Because you don'’t know how to stay alive.

That'’s the secret of life.

But we have a war to win.

But America will lose the war.

Italy will win it.

America'’s the strongest nation on earth.

The American fighting man is the best-trained,

the best-equipped, the best-fed...

Exactly. Italy, on the other hand,

is one of the weakest nations on earth.

And the Italian fighting man

is hardly equipped at all.

That'’s why my country'’s doing so well

while your country'’s doing so poorly.

But that'’s just silly.

Italy was occupied by the Germans,

and is now being occupied by us.

You call that doing well?

Well, of course I do.

The Germans are being driven out,

and we'’re still here.

In a few years, you'’ll be gone,

and we will still be here.

You see, Italy is a very poor, weak country,

and that is what makes us so strong--

Strong enough to survive this war

and still be in existence

long after your country has been destroyed.

What are you talking about?

America'’s not going to be destroyed.

Never?

Well...

Rome was destroyed.

Greece was destroyed. Persia was destroyed.

Spain was destroyed.

All great countries are destroyed.

Why not yours?

How much longer do you think your country will last?

Forever?

Well, forever is a long time, I guess.

Very long.

WOMAN: Ciao!

Please, we'’re talking.

We go to bed now?

No. Hey, would you go put some clothes on?

You'’re practically naked.

[ giggles ]

I wish she wouldn'’t walk around like that.

But it is her business to walk around like that.

It'’s not nice.

Of course it'’s nice.

Mmm. She'’s nice to look at.

This life is not nice.

I don'’t want her to do this.

WOMAN 1: When we go to America, Nately?

WOMAN 2: When we go to America, Nately?

You will take her to America?

Away from a healthy, active life?

Away from good business opportunities?

Away from her friends?

Don'’t you have any principles?

Of course not.

No morality?

I'’m a very moral man.

[ chuckles ]

And Italy is a very moral country.

That'’s why we will certainly come out on top again

if we succeed in being defeated.

You talk like a madman.

But I live like a sane one.

I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top.

Now that he has been deposed,

I am anti-fascist.

When the Germans were here,

I was fanatically pro-German.

Now I'’m fanatically pro-American.

You'’ll find no more loyal partisan in all of Italy

than myself.

You'’re a shameful opportunist.

What you don'’t understand

is that it'’s better to die on your feet

than to live on your knees.

You have it backwards.

It'’s better to live on your feet

than to die on your knees.

I know.

How do you know?

Because I am 107 years old.

How old are you?

I'’ll be 20 in January.

If you live.

WOMAN: Ciao, Yossarian!

How are you?

We'’ve got to go back.

All the leaves have been canceled.

Ciao, Yossarian!

Hello, hello, my dear.

You give me a dollar?Mm-hmm.

I pay you back when we get to America.

Okay, just one.

Just one. One! Give me that.

Come on, Dobbs. Milo'’s going to fly us back.

Why are the leaves canceled?I don'’t know.

Milo says the base is on some kind of alert.

Oh, yeah.

Cathcart raised the number of missions to 80.

Eighty? Yeah.

He'’s mad because Captain Orr lost another airplane.

Where?

Ditched coming back from Bologna.

Went down on the Mediterranean.

Air-sea rescue out there?

Yeah.

They picked up everybody but Orr.

Will you fellas stay away from the airstrip tonight?

What for?

Just do as I say.

Stay in your tents.

Why?

There it is!

What?

Orr'’s plane.

He'’ll find his way back.

He always does.

He'’ll turn up.

He'’ll sneak in with that rat-toothed giggle.

Aarfy, if anything happens to me,

will you take care of my girl?

Listen to him. His girl.

Yossarian?

Don'’t worry.

Nothing'’s going to happen to you

that won'’t happen to the rest of us.

YOSSARIAN: Orr.

Orr.

Orr.

Orr.

I'’ll be through in a minute.YOSSARIAN: No, you won'’t.

You always say that, and every time you go ahead,

I gotta watch you fitting some microscopic thing

into that masterpiece of junk you'’re always messing with.

Then I guess you haven'’t seen it?

What?

You guess I haven'’t seen what?

A little square gasket about this big.

It was here a minute ago. Have you seen it?

No.I'’ll have to start over again.

Please don'’t do that.

Why?

Because it gives me a terrible pain.

Why?

Why what?

Why won'’t you fly with me?

What the hell'’s that got to do with the pain in my chest

that you and your teeny bolts and lousy gaskets give me?

It'’s got everything to do with it.

Are you trying to tell me something?

Just that if you were smart,

you'’d fly with me.

You'’ve already cracked up three planes.

Four.

I'’m a good pilot.

I don'’t want to end up in the ocean.

You could thank me.

For getting the job?

For finishing your stove.

Winter'’s coming.

You'’ll have heat, hot water.

You'’ll be able to boil eggs and everything.

What do you mean, me? Where will you be?

I don'’t know.

Here and there.

Orr, there isn'’t anyone in this squadron

who wants to fly with you.

You'’re a one-man disaster area.

They'’re crazy.

I agree with them.

You'’re crazy.

Orr?

Orr?

Orr? He'’s dead.

Who'’s he?Nobody you'’d know.

He'’s just a kid from my hometown.

He died a few minutes ago.

They came all the way from the States to see him.

Get in the bed, will you?

What?

Look, his mother and his father and his brother

flew all the way here.

They know he'’s dying.

So, what do you want me to do?

Be him.

Just for a few minutes.

Then they'’ll go away.

They came 5,000 miles to see you before you die.

What are you talking about? I'’m not dying.

Of course you'’re dying. We'’re all dying.

But Doc, they'’ll know!

They came here to see their son!

They'’ll have to take what they can get.

One dying boy is just as good as another.

Or just as bad.

[ laughs ]Doc, it won'’t work.

Look, these people have come a long way,

and I don'’t want to disappoint them.

I'’m sentimental about old people.

What if they start crying?

They probably will start crying.

I'’ll wait right outside the door.

If it starts getting sticky,

I'’ll come in and break it up.

I don'’t think it'’s gonna work.

Look, do this for me, and I'’ll do something for you.

Will you ground me?

You know I can'’t.What do you mean?

You can fill out a slip that says

I'’m on the verge of a nervous collapse

and send it to group, can'’t you?

Sure, I can.

Mmm!

But there'’s a catch.

Catch-22? Yes.

Group has to approve my action,

and group isn'’t going to.

They'’ll put you right back on combat status

and send me to rot in the Pacific Ocean.

[ knocking ]Oh, my God. Here they are.

Start dying.

Do this for me, and I'’ll send you to Rome

on a five-day R&R.

He looks terrible.

He'’s sick, Pa.

Harvey?

My name is Yossarian.

His name is Yossarian, Mother.

Yossarian.

Don'’t you recognize me?

I'’m your brother John.

Don'’t you know who I am?

Sure, I do. You'’re my brother John.

JOHN: Pa, he knows me.

Yossarian, look. Here'’s Papa.

Say hello to Papa.

Hello, Papa.

Hello, Harvey.

His name'’s Yossarian, Pa.

He looks so bad.

He'’s very sick, Pa.

Doctor says he'’s going to die.

Harvey.

Ma, his name'’s Yossarian.

She doesn'’t remember things too good anymore.

That'’s okay.

She can call me Harvey if she wants to.

Harvey.

Psst.

Don'’t worry, Yossarian.

Everything'’s going to be all right.

YOSSARIAN: I know.Good.

We came all the way from New York.

We were afraid we wouldn'’t get here in time.

In time for what?

In time to see you before you died.

What difference would it make?

JOHN: We didn'’t want you to die by yourself.

What difference would it make?

He must be getting delirious.

He keeps saying the same thing over and over again.

Harvey--

It'’s not Harvey, Ma. It'’s Yossarian.

What difference does it make? He'’s dying.

[ wind gusting ]

Listen, kid.

It'’s-- It'’s not bad.

I'’m gonna put a tourniquet on it.

There.

It'’s good.

It'’s a good bandage.

Cold. Cold.

Cold.

It'’s going to be okay, kid.

We'’ll be home soon.

Does the leg still hurt?

No.

NATELY: Yossarian? Hey, Yossarian?

You in there?

Orr?

Is that Orr, you son of a bitch?

It'’s me, Nately.

Nately. What'’s happening?

Jesus, it'’s 3:30 a.m.

It'’s Dobbs. We'’ve got to stop him.

What do we got to stop him for?

He'’s going to kill the colonel.

Cathcart? Yes.

Dobbs is going to kill Colonel Cathcart?

[ click ]

[ whistling ]

[ grunts ]

Are you crazy?

What the hell'’s the matter with you?

Nothing'’s the matter with me.

It'’s the first sane thing I'’ve done.

They'’ll get you for murder.Cathcart'’s a murderer.

He'’ll kill us all if we don'’t stop him.

Come on. Give me the gun.

Take it easy.

You just got a few more missions.

You'’re crazy. Crazy!

He'’ll raise the number again, and you know it!

You know that!

He'’ll keep us flying missions till we'’re all dead.

Come on, Dobbs.

What the hell do you care, you crazy bastard?

You don'’t want to go home because you'’re still in love

with that greedy little whore.

You happen to be talking about my fiancée.

The fiancée of any guy with 10 bucks

that doesn'’t mind risking a dose of several diseases

for 15 minutes of phony moans and groans

on a dirty mattress.

Nately.

[ gasps ]

Nately? Nately.

Yossarian.

I think I hurt him.

Oh, he'’ll be all right.

Here he comes.

Give me the gun.No, no, no. Listen.

If he raises the number of missions again,

I swear to God I'’ll help you kill him.

Really? I swear.

Well, that'’s very reasonable of you.

Something'’s going on.

Milo and the colonel, they'’re up to something.

What are you talking about?

They'’ve been planning something up there.

What'’s he doing?

Something. I don'’t know.

What if they turn their lights on?

What the fuck?

Yossarian, listen!

[ airplanes approach ]

What is this?

Look.

Jesus Christ!

They'’re all mad!

All right, that was good.

[ indistinct radio chatter ]

Bank left and wait for further instructions.

All right, number 3.

Be careful not to hit our storehouses

at the end of the field.

Direct hit on the mess hall, if you please.

And, number 3...

Hold on, number 3.

Yossarian, get off the field.

What? You too, Dobbs.

All right, number 3, let them go.

[ explosions ]

You bastards! Get out of here!

Yossarian, cut that out.

Those are our men you'’re shooting at.

Take cover. Those are our men.

This is an M&M Enterprises operation.

[ laughs ]

Number 4 and 5, number 3 did not

get those supplies by the mess hall.

Now, I told you men to come in low.

Let'’s get right on target this time.

Shoddy work will not do.

Dobbs!

What are you doing, Yossarian?

Get off the field!

[ click ]

I want to see you later. You'’re confined to base.

I won'’t forget this.

I don'’t think the Air Force is going to forget about this.

Don'’t be ridiculous, Yossarian!

What'’s good for M&M Enterprises

is good for the Air Force!

There goes the bomb dump!

We have to get rid of that cotton.

The Germans promised to take it off our hands

if we ran this mission for them.

It'’s all part of the deal!

There goes the officers'’ club!

You made a deal with the Germans

to bomb our own base?

A contract is a contract!

That'’s what we'’re fighting for!

This is Lieutenant Minderbinder speaking.

Will you clear the field, please.

Following this bomb run,

we will begin to strafe.

Strafe?

It'’s all part of the contract.

There goes headquarters!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

[ machine-gun fire ]

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

What'’s that?

He said, "Nately."

Nately is dead.

I know that.

Who'’s dead?

You'’re not. He will be soon

if we don'’t get at that knife wound.

What'’s happening?

We'’re going to operate.

We'’re gonna take a little look around inside you.

We'’re gonna clean you out and stitch you up.

Hey.

Yossarian.

Hmm?

We'’ve got your pal.

Hmm?

You heard me.

We'’ve got your pal.

Who? Who'’s my pal? Who?

What'’s he saying?

Something about his pal.

Who'’s his pal?

I don'’t know. Maybe it'’s Nately.

Nately'’s dead.

Hey, I wouldn'’t go in there if I were you.

Looks like something'’s happened.

I got to go find Nately'’s whore.

I got to tell her he'’s dead.

Want to come with me?Not now.

I promised this young lady some stockings and cigarettes.

Oh, yeah? For her family.

I know them. First-class people.

Okay.

I'’ll see you later.Sure.

[ vehicle approaches ]

Andiamo.

Yes, we'’re going up to my room.

Yossarian, you'’d better get off the streets pretty soon.

It'’s almost curfew. You don'’t even have a pass.

[ cat meows ]

What happened?

Gone. All gone.

Who?

All the poor young girls.

All gone.

Taken away.

Who took them away?

The White Hats.

The White Hats? The MPs?

Yes, the MPs.

Well, where did they take them?

Who knows? All gone.

Where'’s the old man?

Gone.Gone where?

Dead.

What?

He was alive one minute,

then he was dead.

Can'’t be.

Why not?

So where did they take the girls?

Did they arrest them?

I don'’t know.

They just came in and took them.

They must have had a reason.

They couldn'’t just barge in here and drag them away.

No reason.

What right did they have?

Catch-22.

What? What did you say?

Catch-22.

What the hell are you talking about?

How do you know it was catch-22?

The girls said,

"Why are you taking us away?"

The men said, "Catch-22."

The girls said, "What right do you have?"

The men said, "Catch-22."

All they kept saying was "Catch-22, catch-22."

What does it mean?

Didn'’t they show it to you?

Didn'’t you ask them to read it to you?

They don'’t have to show us catch-22.

Who says so?

The law says so.

What law?

Catch-22.

[ crowd noise ]

[ police whistle blows ]

[ indistinct chattering ]

[ vehicles approaching ]

Milo!

Milo!

Milo, I'’m going to kill you,

you murdering son of a bitch!

No. Take it easy. Don'’t hurt him.

I know how you feel, Yossarian,

but it wasn'’t my fault.

Whose fault was it?

No one'’s.

Nately was a victim of certain economic pressures.

If you understood anything about the basic laws

of supply and demand--You unbelievable bastard!

[ grunts ]

You want me to take you to her?

Who? Nately'’s whore.

Isn'’t that who you'’re looking for?

You know where she is?

Of course I do.

You'’re AWOL, Yossarian.

I thought you knew better than that.

That'’s not smart.

Nately would never do anything that dumb.

He'’s dead.It'’s too bad.

He was a nice fellow.

Your boys made a nice direct hit on him.

But he died a rich man.

He had over 60 shares in the Syndicate.

What good is that? He'’s dead.Then his family will get it.

He didn'’t have time to have a family.

Then his parents will get it.

They don'’t need it. They'’re rich.

Then they'’ll understand.

Ask for number 33.

Hello, Yossarian.

I didn'’t know.

That I work for Milo?

Everybody works for Milo.

Yeah.

Well, he told me to ask for number 33.

Mm-hmm, 33.

Ten dollars, please.

No towel, Yossarian.

Hello, Yossarian.Hi, kid.

Where'’s your sister?

In there.

You giving me a dollar?

Yeah.

We go to America soon?

Sure, kid.

Ciao, Yossarian.

Hi.

You make love now?

Uh, no, no. Listen...

I have to tell you something.

Nately?

Yeah.

He'’s coming?

Uh, no. Not exactly.

We go to America soon?

Uh, yeah.

Listen-- When we go?

Listen...

[ sighs ]

...Nately'’s dead.

Bruto.

Bruto.

[ screaming in Italian ]

[ grunting ]

It'’s not my fault!

He'’s my friend, you dumb bitch!

[ women yelling in Italian ]

I only raped her once.

You killed her.

I had to do that after I raped her.

I couldn'’t very well let her go around

saying bad things about me, could I?

What did you have to touch her at all for, you dumb bastard?

Why didn'’t you get some girl off the streets?

Oh, no. Not me. I never paid for it in my life.

[ tires screech distantly ][ vehicle doors open and close ]

MAN: Get back! Get back!

Aarf, are you insane?

They'’re going to throw you in jail.

You just killed a girl. You threw her out the window.

She'’s lying out there in the street!

She has no right to be there, you know.

It'’s after curfew.

[ sighs ]

Don'’t you realize what you'’ve done?

You murdered a human being!

They can hang you!

I hardly think they'’ll do that, not to good old Aarfy.

I don'’t think they'’d make such a fuss

over one Italian girl

when thousands of lives are being lost every day.

Aarfy, listen, they'’re coming for you.

They'’re coming to arrest you.[ footsteps ascending stairs ]

You can'’t take the life of another human being

and get away with it, don'’t you understand?

They'’re coming to get you!

[ footsteps approaching ]

Captain Yossarian?

Yes.

You'’re under arrest.

But I didn'’t--

You'’re AWOL.

[ distant sirens blaring ]

CATHCART: We'’re sending you home.

YOSSARIAN: What?

I said we'’re sending you home.

KORN: You know, Yossarian, you really have been

making things terribly difficult for Colonel Cathcart.

The men are unhappy.

Morale is beginning to deteriorate.

It'’s all your fault.

It'’s his fault for raising the number of missions.

KORN: No. It'’s your fault for refusing to fly them.

CATHCART: Haven'’t you got any patriotism?

Wouldn'’t you give your life for your country?

Wouldn'’t you give your life for Colonel Korn and me?

What have you and Colonel Korn got to do with my country?

You'’re not the same thing.

You'’re a disgrace to your country.

I'’d like to know how you got to be a captain, anyway.

You promoted me.

That has got nothing to do with it!

Let me. Let me.

Captain, I'’d like to appeal

to your better judgment one more time.

There'’s a mission about to start.

Now, you can get your gear and get on that plane,

and we'’ll just pretend all of this never happened.

Yossarian, wouldn'’t it make you feel proud

to know that you served in an outfit

that averaged more combat missions per person

than any other?

Don'’t you want to earn more unit citations

and more oak leaf clusters on your air medal?

Don'’t you want to contribute further

to this fleet record by flying more missions?

No.

KORN: In that case,

we'’ll just have to send you home.

Of course, there'’s one catch.

Oh, yeah? What'’s that?

Well, we will issue orders sending you back to the States,

and there'’s one thing you'’ll have to do for us in return.

What would that be?

Like us.

Like you?

Like us.

You'’ll be surprised how easy it is

to like us once you begin.

You see, Yossarian,

we'’re going to put you on easy street.

CATHCART: We'’re going to promote you to major.

KORN: Gonna give you another medal.

CATHCART: Gonna glorify your exploits,

send you home a hero.

KORN: You'’ll have parades in your honor.

CATHCART: You can make speeches,

raise money for war bonds.

KORN: And all you have to do is be our pal.

CATHCART: Say nice things about us.

KORN: Tell the folks at home what a good job we'’re doing.

Take our offer, Yossarian.

CATHCART: It'’s either that,

or a court-martial for desertion.

What about the other men in the squadron?

I'’d be playing a pretty dirty trick on them, wouldn'’t I?

KORN: They'’ll be happier when you'’re gone.

They won'’t even think about you.

They have a war to win.

Well, what the hell.

If they don'’t want to fly any more missions,

let them stand up and say so like I did.

Precisely!

Exactly.

It'’s a deal.

[ rake scrapes ]

[ woman shouts in Italian ]

[ gasps ]

Help.

[ wind gusting ]

PILOT: Help him.

What?

Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'’m the bombardier. I'’m all right.

Then help him! Help him!

Cold. I'’m cold.

It'’s going to be okay, kid.

We'’ll be home soon.

Does the leg still hurt?

No.

There, there.

There, there.

There, there.

[ marching band plays ]

[ knock on door ]

May we come in? Sure.

I see you'’re all alone.Yep.

Well, you'’re going home.

I don'’t know if I am.

Oh, sure you are. I'’ve got your orders right here.

That parade they'’re rehearsing is for you.

You'’re a hero.

And you'’re gonna get a medal

for stopping that Nazi from killing Cathcart.

That wasn'’t a Nazi. That was Nately'’s whore.

She tried to kill me because I told her about Nately.

But the colonel said that--

It'’s part of a deal I made with them.

They send me home a hero,

and I say wonderful things about them back in the States.

Oh.

That'’s a lousy deal, isn'’t it?

Isn'’t it?

Well...

Isn'’t it?

I don'’t know. I'’m-- I'’m not here to judge you.

What are you here for?

I'’m not too sure about that either.

What would you do if you were me?

I don'’t know.

I mean, I'’m not you.

Imagine that you are me.

Well, that'’s hard.

Sometimes I even have trouble

imagining that I'’m me,

if you know what I mean.

Well, I'’m gonna call the deal off.

If they want to send me home, let them do it

because I'’ve flown over 50 missions,

not because I'’m a stubborn son of a bitch.

They can'’t do that.

They'’d have to send home every man in the outfit.

That'’s their problem.No. That'’s your problem,

because they'’ll court-martial you.

I'’m afraid you'’re gonna have to make the best

of a bad situation. No.

No what?

Listen, I'’ve been lying in this bed for three weeks now

thinking about it, and all I know

is that I don'’t want to go to prison,

and I can'’t play Cathcart'’s games.

Well...

what else can you do?

I can run away.

You'’ll desert? Why not?

How would you ever get off the base?

That'’s insane.Sure, it is.

That'’s why it'’s the only sensible thing for me to do.

Yossarian, they'’ll call you a coward.

It'’s your country.Oh, Christ.

I'’ve flown 55 missions.

I'’ve been fighting for my country for three years.

Now I'’m gonna start fighting for myself.

Suppose everyone felt that way?

Then I'’d be a damn fool to feel any different.

But what would your friends say?

I haven'’t got any.

Nately was blown to bits.

McWatt killed himself.

Hungry Joe'’s chopped in two.

Dobbs disappeared.

Aardvark'’s a murderer.

Doc Daneeka'’s a zombie.

They'’re all gone.

The only friend I had was Snowden,

and I didn'’t even know him.

What about Orr?

Orr'’s at the bottom of the sea.

A fish ate him.

No, he isn'’t. Don'’t you know?

Know what?Orr'’s in Sweden.

What?[ laughs ]

After 16 weeks at sea,

Captain Orr was found washed ashore

by a trio of Swedish Girl Scouts.

It'’s a miracle.

Apparently he rowed all the way.

He rowed?

Yeah, in that tiny, little raft!

To Sweden?

All the way to Sweden?

He'’ll sit out the rest of the war.

It'’s a miracle.

It'’s no miracle. He has to have planned it.

You mean he went to Sweden--

It'’s 4,000 miles away!

That'’s what he meant when he said

that crash landing was good practice?

He was planning it all this time.

Practicing getting shot down in the sea!

On every mission that he flew.

[ both laugh ]

No, no, no.

That is a miracle.

Practicing getting shot.

[ all laugh ]

He made it!

[ cackles ]

He made it!

He made it!

That son of a bitch made it!

[ Marching band plays "Stars and Stripes Forever" ]

Are you crazy? Is he crazy?

If he made it, so can I!

DANBY: We'’ve got to stop him.

I can do it, Danby!

They'’ll catch you. They'’ll bring you back.

I can do it.This is insane!

I can do it.What about your clothes?

They'’ll never recognize me without my uniform.

You'’ll be on the run with no friends.

You'’ll live in constant danger of betrayal.

[ laughs ]

I live that way now.

Yossarian, for God'’s sake, hurry up!

So long, Chaplain.

How do you feel, Yossarian?

Fine.

Except I'’m scared to death.

You'’ll have to keep on your toes every minute.

I'’ll keep on my toes.

You'’ll have to jump.

I'’ll jump.Jump!

[ band plays ]