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♪ One, two, one, two, three

(big band music)

(screaming)

(yelling and laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(dog barking)

(fireworks screaming)

(fireworks booming)

- [Man] This way, this way!

Thank you.

(crowd talking and laughing)

- Oh!

- [Miles] Nina!

- Miles!

- Adam not back yet?

- What?

- [Miles] Adam? Not back yet?

- Any day now.

- [Miles] Isn't this too dull?

- I've never been more bored in my life.

- [Miles] Drink?

- I'd kill for a martini.

- Spot of absinthe?

- Yes, at least a spot.

(laughing)

- [Woman] Whoa!

- I know you, don't I?

- Lord Balcairn, how are you?

- Very well, I know you, but I don't know you.

- Simon!

Been the longest age.

Business or pleasure?

- Well the business of pleasure.

Adam not back yet?

- Any day, poor lamb.

- I'll just a.

- Who's your ferrety friend?

- Lord knows.

What a foul party though, eh?

- Isn't it, though?

I was just saying to Miles,

"I don't think I've ever been

"so frantically bored in my life."

- Miles here?

- Supposed to be fetching me a drink.

- Ah, now dear, he really should be more discreet.

(flashing)

- Oh damn I've just remembered

where I've seen that little man before!

He's a bloody photo rat.

Let's get him.

A rat!

A rat!

Let's get him, the bloody photo rat!

Oh!

(crowd yelling)

- [Man] Get the bloody rat!

(crowd yelling)

(flashing)

(breaking glass)

(waves splashing and seagulls cawing)

(jazz music)

- [Girl] Keep your hands still.

- [Chastity] Not too hard, not too hard!

- [Girl] Chastity, you're such a coward.

- [Chastity] Ow!

(laughing) (horn blowing)

(screaming)

(laughing)

- [Girl] I don't feel so well.

I think I'm--

(retching)

- [Girl] Oh you're disgusting.

(bell ringing)

- Make way!

- [Announcer] And now we're (mumbles)

0-4 to Dover (mumbles).

- [Girl] Did you see that steward?

He was winking at us? (laughing)

- [Girl] He was not! (laughing)

- Chastity, Piety, Endeavor.

This minute!

- [Girl] Yes, Mrs. Ape! (laughing)

- [Announcer] (mumbles) by boat going to London.

- Come on, come on!

- That your case, sir?

- [Mrs. Ape] Girls, how many times have I had to--

- Just some very old clothes and some books.

- Books, eh?

And what sort of books, may I ask?

(boat whistling)

- Would you behave yourself? - Fortitude,

I forbid you to bounce.

- [Fortitude] Wee, whoa!

- Because if you lay against books,

their own secretaries.

We can't stamp out literature in our own country,

we can at least stop it being brought in.

Hello, hello!

What's this?

- That's a book too.

One I've just written.

- Your name's Sue, is it?

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

- That's a pseudonym.

Su de Nime.

- I can read, thank you very much.

- No, you don't understand, it's sort of a joke.

Su de Nime, pseudonym.

Nom de plume.

- And what's this?

- Vomit.

There was an accident.

- You come along with me.

Briggs!

- [Briggs] Sir!

- I really must catch the train.

- There are worse things than missing trains,

young Susan!

- [Man] Hey John, get a shot of that!

- Here they come! (flashing)

- [Agatha] You hit at me?

Oh no you didn't, you ghastly savages!

It was rude you-- - Books, sir.

Goes by the name of Susan. - Ow!

- Well now, what's this about books?

- They're just books. - Get off me!

- I'll be the judge of that, thank you!

- Oh!

Adam, darling!

- [Adam] Hello Agatha!

- I never saw you on the boat.

I can't tell you the things

that have been happening to me in there.

The way they looked.

Too shaming!

Positively surgical my dear, and such wicked old women.

I shall ring up every cabinet minister

and all the newspapers

and give them the most shy making details.

Let's find the train.

- I've got troubles of my own.

- Well now.

You can take these books and the dictionary,

minus this page,

thank you very much.

But this, Bright Young Things,

that's just downright dirt and is marked for burning.

- What?

There's no dirt in the book.

You must be misinterpreting--

- I know dirt when I see it.

Or I shouldn't be where I am today.

- Do you realize my whole livelihood depends on that book?

I've already been paid for it.

- And my livelihood depends on keeping filth like that

out of the country!

- Archie Swert's giving a lovely party tonight.

So we simply have to catch the next train,

or I shan't have a chance to dress.

- Archie who?

Oh God! (flashing)

(questioning excitedly) - Oh you poor things!

(flashing)

Have you been waiting here in all this time?

(flashing) (questioning excitedly)

- I don't know what Lord Monomark's gonna say.

Suppose he'll want his money back.

- The press is getting all together too bothersome.

Except when they aren't.

You won't forget to come to Archie Swert's party?

- Oh, I've got to get to my hotel.

- You're not still staying at Shepheard's, are you darling?

So many little people.

What can they all do with their lives?

When are you and Nina going to get married?

I have just the trousers to wear

and then you won't do it!

- Well I'm not sure we'll be able to.

Just here, will be fine!

Thank you, driver.

- Darling, if you don't marry her soon,

someone else will.

And that will never do.

- Take the lady on to Brogan Street

and drop my luggage off at Shepheard's Hotel, Saint James.

- Right, sir.

- Bye, darling.

See you at Archie's.

(motor whirring) - 19 cents, 19 cents!

19 cents, boiled seals at party.

Shocking pictures, shocking pictures.

Read Mr. Chatterbox!

Read Mr. Chatterbox!

Chatterbox tells all!

Shocking pictures!

Shocking pictures!

- London, Adam.

There's no place like it on God's green Earth.

Yep, quite a city.

For the first 20 years of my life,

the biggest town I ever saw, or hoped to see,

was Necessity, Manitoba.

Population 1,230 souls.

Now, here I am, Prince of the greatest metropolis

the world has ever known.

Gives a man to think, wouldn't you say?

- [Adam] Certainly.

- Certainly.

You're right there, Adam.

Certainly.

Now I believe you owe me a book.

A little late in delivery?

- Ah, well now.

The customs confiscated it.

- Now see here, you owe me 100 pounds, or one book.

- Well I suppose I could write it again.

- Was it good?

- Well, you know.

- Don't ever believe English modesty is charming.

It's irritating, is what it is.

- It was exceptionally good.

- What is it with you people?

I have plenty of you working for me.

Lord Balcairn.

Genuine Earl.

Does my gossip for me, under the name Mr. Chatterbox.

Did you know that?

- Yes, I did know.

- A friend of yours, I suppose?

Bright Young Things, that was the title, right?

Tearing the lid off the young, idle and rich?

My readers can't get enough

of that kind of thing, Mr. Symes.

I put Senor Mussolini on the front page,

nobody buys a copy.

Put a picture of one of your set in the nightclub

and can't print enough copies.

Are you a butterfly, or a bee?

- Excuse me?

- Do you wanna flit around looking pretty, doing nothing,

or do you wanna make honey?

I can't figure you out.

Your father worked for a living.

A Greek professor, wasn't he?

- Well professor, half Greek, rather than a Greek professor.

- You never get cute with somebody you owe money to.

What do you wanna do with your life?

- Well-- - Win the Nobel Prize?

Raise children, smoke a pipe?

Climb mountains, fly airplanes?

Find the cure to influenza?

Govern India?

Hell, God gave you two legs and an immortal soul

in the capital city of the largest empire

the world has ever seen.

You gonna spend it eating plovers eggs

and sucking up cocktails?

(ringing)

- [Nina] Miss Blount's residence.

- Hello?

May I speak to Miss Blount, please?

- I'll just see if she's in.

Who's speaking, please?

- [Adam] Adam Symes.

- Oh, Adam.

- [Adam] How are you, Nina?

- Well I've got rather a pain, just at present, but.

- Well Nina, why are you putting on a voice?

- Thought you might be Madam DeRocque.

I owe her for some hats.

Welcome home, my darling.

Where are you?

- [Adam] Fleet Street.

Darling there was rather a disaster at customs.

- [Nina] Yes I know, Agatha Runcible

said they stripped her. - No.

No not that.

Something awful happened to me.

- [Nina] You too?

Were they horribly intimate?

Let's meet at Archie Swert's party

and you can tell me all about it.

- Who is this Archie Swert?

- Oh, someone new.

One of the vulgar, but very rich.

If you are coming, don't dress up, no one will,

except Archie, which is always too funny.

- Nina, I don't know how to say this,

but I don't think I shall be able to marry you, after all.

- Oh, Adam you are a bore, why not?

- [Adam] They confiscated my book.

- Beasts, who did?

- I'll tell you about it tonight.

- [Nina] Yes, do.

Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye, my sweet.

(motor whirring)

The Shepheard's Hotel, Saint James, please.

- [Driver] All right.

Actually, I think I'll walk.

- Hike the try through, fairy princess.

Don't let me catch you wearing that scent again.

Well, you are a stranger.

- Hello, Lottie.

- Welcome back.

How's your father?

Dead?

Oy! Bella!

Mr. Fenwick-Symes post, if you please.

I don't know.

I should let her go, really.

She's wearing New Eden Noel, would you believe.

- Thank you, Brazilio.

- It's a pleasure.

- We'd given you up for dead, dear.

How was Monte Carlo?

- Kent.

- Same thing.

We kept your room, for you.

I expect you're ready to pay a little bit on that.

- Well as a matter of fact-- - Come on in.

We were just thinking about having a little drink.

Oh, now!

Let me introduce you.

That's Mr. What's his name and over there in the corner,

that's the Major.

And that's an American judge

and there's the King of Pomerania.

- Anatolia, actually.

But alas, no longer.

- Poor chap, it's a shame!

They gave him the boot after the war.

Hasn't got a penny.

- It's true.

They steal my throne.

- [Lottie] There, there.

- My Godfather, the good archduke of Austria,

give me one time gold fountain pen with eagles on him.

I loved well my gold fountain pen.

And then there was liberal minister.

One man of exceeding evilness.

He come to talk with me and thump!

And talk too much about some things

I not understand and when he gone,

where was my gold fountain pen with eagles on him?

God knows!

- A damn shame, sire.

A damn shame.

- [Lottie] There now, how about a drink?

- [Man] I'll have a murdering shotgun as it is.

- [Man] Don't worry. - Here,

I bet you can't do this.

Four coins.

One in each corner.

Two there.

Two there.

Two there.

Two there.

Two there, oh!

Three there.

Oh, four.

Four coins, all in a corner.

There you are.

Do it again if you like?

- There's a clever boy.

Where'd they teach you that, then?

- Chaven Train showed me.

- Well it didn't look very hard.

- Just you try it.

Bet you anything you like, you can't do it.

- How much will you bet?

- Anything he likes.

500 pounds?

- Go on, you do it.

He's got lots of money.

- All right.

So, two there.

Two there.

Two there.

Three there.

Four there.

Like that?

- Punchy.

Don't see anyone do it like that before.

Awful lot of money this week, with that trick.

Here you are.

- [Man] Well I'll be!

(laughing) - Well there's a thing.

I'll expect you'd like to buy everyone a drink now.

- Certainly.

- Toss you for it.

Double the quids, best of three.

- Very well.

- Heads.

- It is.

Call again? - Heads.

- Well I'm jeered.

You are a lucky chap.

(laughing)

(ringing)

- Hello?

- Nina, it's Adam.

Darling, it's all right about our getting married.

I've got 1,000 pounds.

- But angel, how?

- [Adam] I'll tell you about it when we meet.

(crowd talking)

- [Man] Aha!

- [Crowd] Ah!

- Well now.

What would you all do if you had a 1,000 pounds?

- Me, I would buy me one gold pen, with eagles on him.

- I know what I'd do.

I'd put it on a horse.

- What horse?

- I'll tell you a likely outside of it

in the November Handicap.

Indian Runner, is a 20 to one in the Olds of Legion.

You put a 1,000 pounds on it to win

and you did, you'd be rich, wouldn't you?

- Yes.

So I would.

- Well give me the 1,000 and I'll fix it.

- All right.

Why not?

- Sound investment.

- Have a drink.

- By all means.

- Darling, I've got a very important question to ask.

Do you know of a horse called Indian Runner?

- Oh quite the worst sort of horse.

Mary Mass' mother owns it.

- It's not likely to win the November handicap.

- Quite sure not to, no.

Why?

- Oh bother it, Nina.

I don't think I shall be able to marry you after all.

You see I've put that 1,000 pounds on Indian Runner to win.

- Well that was silly.

Can't you get it back?

- No it's a good point.

I'll see.

- [Lottie] Haven't run the dinner gong yet.

oh, where's that fairy princess?

- Lottie, where's the Major?

- What Major?

I never saw a Major.

- The one you introduced me to.

- How'd you know he was a Major.

- Well you said he was.

- I did? Not ever seen him before in my life (laughs).

(gonging)

Now we must all go up to dinner.

I should go up with you, King.

- I'm not feeling very hungry, to be honest.

In fact, I'm feeling a little--

- Well you hurry too, to the gentleman's.

The last man to be sick on that carpet

was cleaned out with a severance and I gave him what for

I can tell you.

(water running)

(big band music)

(crowd yelling)

- By the way, why didn't you tell me it was fancy dress?

I feel such a prune.

- I forgot.

- No you didn't.

- [Woman] Wee!

- [Archie] My dear!

- Oh look, Agatha!

- Usually worth a couple of paragraphs,

but my editors got her on the front page tomorrow, anyway.

Customs nonsense.

- Oh.

And Adam's back.

Not that he's worth a mention.

- Look, there's Simon and Van,

writing about us, I bet.

I hope they write something nice.

Even Van described me

as England's premiere party animal last week, honestly.

- That's Adam Symes.

He looks so dashing.

Everyone looks dashing, don't they?

Dashing is the new thing.

- [Jane] Oh, I wish I was as sophisticated

as Agatha Runcible.

- It only takes a little titanium on the cheek.

A little less eyebrow.

I can cut them for you, if you like.

- Really?

Really, really?

Oh would you?

- I can't believe I managed

to let them drag me from the customs like that.

Now I've got Lottie's bill to pay and we can't get married.

- There's always my Papa,

I believe he's much richer than he looks.

I'd ask him to give us some money.

- Well, Mr. Adam, Archie Swert.

- Such a wondrous party, Archie.

You are too clever.

- Ah!

- You should certainly win the costume, right?

- Adam really, that's how Archie always dresses at parties!

- Orchid, stop.

New paragraph.

Simon, the ol Balcairn, dressed as a most unconvincing

Duke of Wellington, as in boots, yes.

Yes.

Might be worth sending a few photographers over.

(flashing) (questioning excitedly)

- How too dreary!

They're like flies, aren't they?

- I think they're after Agatha.

- You know her father made the most crashiest speech

about customs (mumbles) in House of Lords this evening.

Several businesses burst into tears, apparently.

- That dreadful Simon Balcairn, I say.

He tipped them off.

Where are we going?

- Half past three.

Lottie'll be closing now.

How about the Ritz?

- Oh, talk sense dear, it's not while I'm dressed like this.

- [Agatha] I say my has any of,

I've lost my keys, it's just too bogus of me.

- Why don't we all go on to my house?

- So that's agreed then.

You can go up to Doughton tomorrow

and I'll wire Daddy and tell him your coming.

- Would he like me, do you think?

- Oh how couldn't he,

with you being so sweet and everything?

- Why can't you come too?

- I already told you, I have a pain.

- Bacon and eggs, everybody!

Champagne!

- Darling the oddest host.

Do you think there are any glasses?

- I just don't know where Daddy keeps them.

Such a bore, darling.

So sorry, darling.

- Well, it is rather Ferush drinking

from decanters after all.

- What strange ancestors you have, Jane.

All so serious looking.

It's as if they're gazing into my soul

and finding something rather horrid.

- Oh they probably are.

- I say, Mary.

What do you know of your mother's horse, Indian Runner?

- Oh I don't dare even think about it.

Mommy says he's a donkey.

Do you know Jane Brown?

- How do you do, Miss Brown?

So sweet of you to have us all around.

- Oh no.

Such a pleasure.

I often,

do have some bacon.

- Thank you.

- Oh I say, Jane.

It will be all right, me staying here tonight, won't it?

I mean my latch key.

- It'll be fine, Agatha, darling.

Quite fine.

- Do you have a piano, dear?

I have a strange longing to play

something crimson and obscene by Busoni.

- Or a rag.

Do let's have a rag.

- I'm not sure.

My father's asleep upstairs.

He might-- - Oh!

How boring!

- I saw some Crem de Menthe in the kitchen.

- What good's Crem de Menthe, child,

when I wanted a piano.

- Only the piano's on the first floor, you see.

- I don't suppose anyone has any naughty salt?

- We must go.

- There might be some in the kitchen,

but the bacon's quite--

- No dear, naughty salt.

Mother might just have some in her compact.

- [Nina] Miles is being beastly and upsetting poor Jane.

Besides, you've got to look

all pretty and frisky for my Papa.

(serious music)

- And how was Mr. Swert's dance, Jane?

Did you have a good time?

- It was just too divine.

- It was what, Jane?

- I mean, it was lovely, Mama.

I say, Mama.

I asked a girl to stay the night.

- What an extraordinary thing to do!

Did she accept?

- Yes.

She's here now.

- Morning all!

The right room at last.

Do you know I popped into a study, or something.

There was a sweet old boy, sitting at a desk.

Did looked surprised to see me.

Was he old Papa?

- And this is Mama.

- How are you?

I say I think it's simply too sweet of you

to let me come down to breakfast like this.

You sure you're not furious with me?

All of this is really much more embarrassing for me,

isn't it, don't you think?

Or don't you?

- Would you like to help yourself.

- Mother, the most extraordinary thing.

I must be losing my reason.

I was in my study just now,

I was just going over my speech

and suddenly the door opened

and in came some sort of dancing hot and tot woman.

And then just said, "Oh, how shy making!"

And then disappeared and I turned to--

Oh (laughs) how do you do?

- And this is my husband.

I don't think you've met before.

- Only for a second.

Hello!

- Martha never told us we were having guests.

Forgive me if I appeared a little inhospitable (laughs).

Oh, why doesn't somebody say something?

- Oh look!

Monicle!

Jimmy Vanburough's column.

He's got the front page.

Midnight Orgies at Number 10, it says.

What a scream (laughs).

Shall I read it to you?

At about 4 a.m., the policeman posted outside

the Prime Minister's residence, was surprised to witness,

isn't this too amusing,

the arrival in Downing Street of a fleet of taxis,

from which emerged a gay throng in exotic, fancy dress.

How I should've loved to have seen it.

Can you imagine!

Amongst those present, was the honorable Agatha Runc,

oh that's me (laughs).

What an extraordinary thing!

Oh.

Oh my God!

- Begging your pardon, Sir James.

A Mrs. Proudfoot wants to know

why there is talcum powder on the table in the cabinet room?

- Talcum powder in the cabinet room?

- Well, it looks like talcum powder,

but it doesn't smell of it, sir.

Mrs. Proudfoot was wondering if it might be

anarchist gunpowder and should we send for the army?

- Oh dear, this is really all to shattering.

I perhaps, don't see me out.

I shall write the tenderest thank you letter, I promise.

(bells ringing) (questioning excitedly)

(flashing)

- Disgusting!

Absolutely disgusting!

They need a good bloody war, if you ask me.

- Excuse me?

- That lot.

Jinking in and jazzing about like Mexican beans.

A sound of guns and a smell of gas.

That'll soon stop all that.

Disgusting.

- I should imagine it is.

- What?

- The sound of guns and the smell of gas,

I should imagine it is disgusting.

- No.

Them!

- Ah.

- [Driver] Parasites!

- [Adam] Is Doughton all much further?

- [Driver] About half a mile.

(jazz music)

- Shilling a mile, 15 bob.

(bell ringing)

- Don't ring twice.

(dog barking)

What do you want?

- Good afternoon.

Is Mr. Blount in?

- There's no Mr. Blount here.

This is Colonel Blount's house.

- I'm sorry, I think the Colonel is expecting me to lunch.

- Nonsense, I'm Colonel Blount.

(horn honking)

(thundering)

(bell ringing)

Yes?

- Would you mind awfully if I just telephoned

to the station for a taxi cab?

- I don't have a telephone.

Why don't you come in?

It's absurd to walk to the station in this

15 miles, for God sake.

Are you mad?

Come about the vacuum cleaner, have you?

(dog barking)

- No.

- Hang your hat and coat here.

I hope you haven't got wet.

Shame you didn't bring your vacuum cleaner.

Can't be helped.

How are you?

(dog barking)

Do sit down.

I must read these cables.

I've quite forgotten, they came this morning.

Oh dear.

Don't think me discourteous,

but I'm afraid it's impossible for me

to ask you to luncheon.

I have a guest coming on intimate family business.

It's some young rascal, who wants to marry my daughter.

- Well I want to marry your daughter too.

- What an extraordinary thing.

Are you sure?

- Perhaps the telegram's about me.

What does it say?

- Engaged to marry Adam Symes.

Expect luncheon.

Nina.

Are you Adam Symes?

- Yes.

- Well why didn't you say so before,

instead of going on about a vacuum cleaners?

How are you?

(dog barking) (thundering)

Mrs. Floyd, lay a place for Mr.--

- Symes.

- Symes.

Better give him his own decanter, Mrs.

Can't be passing up and down all the time.

So you're the young fool who's going to marry my daughter.

- I very much hope so, sir.

- How much money have you got?

- Well, I had a 1,000 pounds last night.

I gave it all to a drunken Major.

- What did you do that for?

- Well, I hoped to put on Indian Runner.

- Excuse me. - For the November

Handicap. - Never heard of the animal.

When will you next have some money?

- When I've written some books.

See I owe Lord Monomark, for an advance.

And until I get it written, I rather hope,

well we rather hoped, that you might help us.

- How could I help you?

I've never written a book in my life.

- No, we--

- Wrote a letter to the Times once.

Never published.

- We thought that, well that you might give us some money.

- You thought that, did you?

I think that's an admirable idea.

I don't see any reason why I shouldn't.

How much do you want?

- Well, you know.

- Would 1,000 pounds be any help?

- Yes, it would, indeed.

Both be terribly grateful.

- Not at all, my dear boy.

What was your name, again?

- Adam Symes.

Fenwick-Symes.

- Knew a Fenwick-Symes at Oxford.

- My father.

- He wasted all his money on horses too.

Or was it women?

No!

Books!

♪ All of the indigable men

♪ Who did the rumba

♪ When they--

- Nina!

♪ She said that love

♪ Should be impulsive

♪ But not compulsive

♪ And synchultation

♪ Has a discouraging affect

♪ On procreation

♪ And that she'd rather read the book ♪

♪ And that was that

(romantic dance music)

♪ Shouldn't begin the beguine

♪ When they're besotten

Nina! ♪ Then there's the pain

♪ And the (mumbles)

♪ She cast the man who taught her too ♪

♪ She cast her fortitude

- Darling!

Why are you dancing like that?

Nina, I'm so excited.

- Why what's happened?

- Everything, I'll tell you in the car.

- Car?

- A lot of the hotels owe me some money,

so I've hired a car.

- No, what have you done, darling, do stop dancing about.

- I can't stop.

- Adam you tell me.

- Look out of the window and see if you can see a limousine.

- Adam, what have you been up to?

I will be told!

♪ And met a sailor

♪ Who had a plant of wooden leg in Venezuela ♪

My dear, 1,000 pounds.

Did my Papa give you that?

- Honey, I'm not dressed for dinner!

I'll look after this check.

Poor Adam!

- Why do you say that?

- I don't know.

I say, what a grand car!

- Nina, why did you say poor Adam?

- I don't know.

- [Chaffeur] Where to sir?

(laughing)

- I don't know, Chichister.

- Oh darling, not Chichister.

Show up in front of awful Chichister people.

- Brighton.

- Do be serious?

- [Chaffeur] They say Arondale's very pleasant

at this time of the year, sir.

- Arondale, what fun.

- All right, then!

Arondale.

(engine revving)

We'll be married tomorrow.

And we won't ask anybody to the wedding.

Oh blast!

- What is it?

- I've forgotten Balcairn's taking me to luncheon tomorrow.

We're gonna have to wait til the afternoon to marry.

- Simon, whatever for?

He'll take you to Chez Espinosas

and you won't get a thing to drink.

- Oh I don't know.

He wants a favor.

- Hell, write in Mr. Chatterbox, probably.

I can't possibly marry you in the afternoon.

I'm having my hair done.

You can't have forgotten it's Margot's party tomorrow?

- I don't believe you really think

we are going to be married, Nina, do you?

Or do you?

- Yes, I just, I don't know, I just.

I don't believe that we're ready

to find things like that ever do happen.

I don't know why.

Oh I do like you so much, tonight.

- I'll send the car back at Arondale

and get a nice early train in the morning.

- But darling, am I going to be seduced?

- I'm afraid you are.

Do you mind, terribly?

- Not as much as you'll let it.

(uplifting music)

- And you said really divine things didn't happen.

- I didn't think it was a total divine,

it's given me a pain.

And now that's it morning,

I've got something horrid to tell you.

- I don't think anything can ever be horrid ever again.

- About that check, my Papa gave you.

- Don't think it's going to help as much as you thought.

- Well it's a 1,000 pounds, isn't it?

- Just look at it, my sweet.

- I don't see anything wrong.

Oh good Lord!

The old fool has signed it Charlie Chaplin.

- That's what I mean, darling.

When did you notice this signature?

- As soon as you showed it to me last night.

Only you looked so happy, dancing about in my flat,

all by yourself, I didn't like to say anything.

- The old devil.

- Anyway, at least you've had some fun out of it,

haven't you, or haven't you?

- Haven't you?

- Darling, I've never hated anything so much in my life.

Still, as long as you enjoyed it, that's something.

- Charlie Chaplin, eh?

That's rather priceless.

I don't suppose I could use that in my column?

- Oh, certainly not!

- No, I thought not.

Look, I hope you don't mind coming here.

The truth is, I get meals free, if I mention them

occasionally in my page.

Not drinks, unfortunately.

Althos, who's here?

(laughs) Yes, not a bad list.

I'll see who I can mention.

- Thank you, my Lord.

Would you like a table?

Cocktail?

- No I don't think I want a cocktail.

I haven't really time.

Would you like a cocktail, Adam, they're not very good here.

- No thanks.

- Are you sure?

They always stick me at this bloody table.

Yes, the lager beer is rather good.

- The lager will do perfect.

- Two small glasses of lager, please.

- [Waiter] Certainly, sir.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, truly.

- Oh look, there's Brone, isn't it?

The Prime Minister, just leaving.

- Yeah, I rather think it is.

- I wonder if he's going to resign after the other night.

It's typical of Vanburough to get that juicy story

about Agatha at Downing Street.

I mean why couldn't Miles have tipped me off instead?

Just because I wouldn't let him, you know, an Oxford.

Oh what a cad Miles is.

Adam, his mother's got a party tonight, hasn't she?

For that evangelist, Mrs. Malrose Ape.

Will you get invited?

- I'd say, probably.

- Adam, I'll tell you a very odd thing.

Margot hasn't sent me an invitation.

- Why not?

- Well apparently she's in a rage

about that picture of Miles in my column

and all those nasty hints.

Even though I had nothing, nothing to do with it.

- People do take thing so seriously.

- Adam, I tell you, it means ruin.

Isn't that Pamela Popplewell?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- No, but I'm sure, yes I'm sure it is!

Now tell me, is that what you call a cloche hat?

I got into terrible trouble the other day about hats.

Hector was raving.

Ruin.

I mean Margot's invited Jimmy Vanburough of course, oh yes.

- Van's a cousin isn't he?

- Well so damned unfair!

I mean all my cousins are in lunatic asylums

or else they live in the country

and doing delicate things with wild animals.

If I miss this party, I may as well put an end to it all.

I'm sure if Margot only knew how much it meant to me,

she wouldn't mind my coming.

Nobody invites me anywhere now.

- I tell you what, I know Margot pretty well.

Why don't I ring her up and ask if you can come?

- Would you?

Would you, Adam?

- Nothing.

Really, I can't understand what the young see in this.

These new crazes are simply inexplicable.

(ringing)

Hello?

- Margot, it's Adam.

- Adam darling.

Now don't you tell me you're going to cry off.

- No, I just wondered if I might bring someone with me?

- Well I really don't think you can.

I can't imagine how everyone's gonna get in as it is.

No, Chastity darling, not red.

Not at your age.

It suggests all the wrong things don't you feel?

I'm terribly sorry, Adam.

Who were you thinking of bringing?

- Simon Balcairn.

He's terribly anxious to come.

- Yes, I dare say he is.

I'm rather against that young man, at the moment.

Oh!

Heavens!

No, you can't bring Simon.

He's been writing things in the papers.

Things about my son, Miles, which are beastly.

- Please, Margot.

- Certainly not.

I won't have him inside my house.

I only asked Vanburough on the strictest understanding

that he doesn't write a word about it.

Mrs. Ape will be addressing everybody about Jesus.

It could all be too shriek worthy a disaster to think of.

Absolutely not.

Simon, of all people.

- You needn't tell me, I can tell.

- Two of my butterflies at once.

Got your invitation

to Lady Metroland's ball tonight, Balcairn?

- Of course, Lord Monomark.

- You've been scooped

by Vanburough's Lord Monicle column too often.

Maybe I should give Chatterbox to Symes here.

He owes me.

- I assure you Lord Monomark.

- Be careful who you write about.

I'll be there myself.

- Oh God!

I'm done for.

- [Nina] Oh poor Simon.

I hope he doesn't do something desperate.

So intense about everything.

- [Adam] Well you know why.

- [Nina] Why?

- [Adam] He's lonely, he's been in love with you for years.

- [Nina] Oh, love!

All this stuff about love and sleeping together.

The physical pleasure, I'd as soon visit my dentist any day.

- [Adam] It isn't so bad though, is it?

- [Nina] What?

- Love.

- Well, perhaps it is a thing

one could be greater fond of in time,

like olives, I suppose, or talking pictures.

Still, it gives me a pain and I doubt it's worth it.

- See, angels come down from heaven

to bless us. - Up here, up here.

- [Girl] Yeah, you! - Hey!

- [Girl] Take my picture!

(big band music) (crowd talking)

- [Man] Hello my dear!

- Greetings to you, Adam!

- [Woman] Oh look, there's (mumbles).

- Oh thank you.

- How very odd?

- [Margot] No dear.

No, no, no.

(bell ringing)

Ladies and gentleman.

We're very lucky to have with us,

fresh from her tour of Europe,

Mrs.-- - Salvation Tour.

- I'm so sorry.

A Salvation Tour of Europe.

Mrs. Melrose Ape and Her Angels of the Glad New Day.

(bell ringing)

- Girls, Ain't No Flies.

♪ Ain't no flies on the lamb of God ♪

♪ He's smarter than a whip

♪ He rules us all with an iron rod ♪

♪ In his firm and tender grip

♪ Jesus, Jesus fly me to the sky ♪

♪ Lead us, lead us, Jesus you're our guy ♪

♪ So don't you mess with the Lord of hosts ♪

♪ Or take him for a sap

♪ The Lord ain't suckered by no white old horse ♪

- [Man] Forgive me, Metroland.

That man with the beard.

Do you know him?

(mumbling) ♪ Jesus, Jesus.

- I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before.

- Exactly. ♪ Fly me to the sky

Prime Minister, there are spies everywhere.

I think it would be best if we watched him.

He looks Stravonic.

♪ Oh hear me, Jesus, seize us on a Demon's stand ♪

♪ Believe me, feed us, feed us

- Yes, central 4000, please.

Yes, oh.

Ah!

- Hello.

Didn't know you were here, father.

I just thought I'd use the telephone.

Goodbye!

- Stay exactly where you are.

And take off that beard.

- Damned if I do!

- Take off that beard! - Take off that beard!

- Well if you will make such a thing about it.

It's frightfully (mumbles).

There.

Now I think you should go make lady Thring take off her wig,

while you're about it.

- I seem to have overestimated the gravity of the situation.

- [Sir James] Who is this?

- One of my detectives?

- That is Mr. Chatterbox.

- Never heard of him.

Don't believe there is such a person.

He's clearly a Bolshevik spy.

- Lord Balcairn, will you kindly leave my house immediately.

My wife has made it abdominally--

- Lord what?

This is your man called Chatterbox, or is he not?

- Lord Monomark is here this evening,

I shall certainly inform him of your behavior.

- He writes for the papers.

- Oh God, not another.

It's a conspiracy.

You're a disgrace to democracy, sir.

Europe is going up in flames

and all you can do is send photographers

down to my home to distress my wife and family.

In another age, I'd of had you horse whipped

on the steps of your club.

I'm being forced to resign, because of you and your kind.

- Gentleman, Prime Minister, good night.

I sincerely--

♪ Jesus, Jesus

Oh to hell with you all!

(laughing)

♪ Lead us, lead us

♪ Jesus, you're our guy

♪ Hear me Jesus, seize us, on a Demon's stand ♪

♪ Believe me, feed us, feed us

♪ Jesus, you're the champ

(clapping)

- Brothers and sisters.

Just you look at yourselves.

Look inside yourselves.

Deep, deep inside yourselves.

Beyond the glister of your parties

and the saucy blaze of your jewels.

- What a damned impudent woman!

- Impudent am I?

Is it impudence to look upon sin

and call it by its rightful name?

Impudence, to gaze upon, battle on and shriek down curses.

Impudence to look upon your souls

and see nothing but a black, empty void.

Beautiful, young people, that's what they call you.

Beautiful young people.

Well one out of three ain't bad, I guess.

- I say that's rather good.

- Why won't you listen?

The lives you lead aren't real lives.

The steps you dance are the Devil's.

- Thank you, Mrs. Ape, for a most (mumbles).

(big band music)

(crowd cheering and talking)

- [Operator] Operator.

- Hello, Central 4000, please.

- [Man] Central 4000.

- Hello, Balcairn here.

- [Man] Who do you need in social, my Lord?

- (laughs) No, no I don't want social, I want news.

- [Man] New, my Lord?

Are you sure you don't want social?

- No, yes, news.

News.

- [Man] Connecting you.

- Thank you.

This thing!

Hello?

- [Man] News desk.

- Hello, Balcairn, here.

Stick one of the boys on to take this down, will you?

The most shocking orgy since the days

of Sodom and Gomorrah, rocked society last night.

- Hold the presses.

Get down to compositing.

(ringing)

Now!

- The vulgar evangelist, Mrs. Melrose Ape,

proudly revealed that her angels were no more

than underage adornments on sale to the highest bidder.

Meanwhile, tears coursing down her face,

the honorable Agatha Runcible,

who's repulsive liaison with the Prime Minister,

shocked the nation this week

bewailed her quote,

"Ruined, bogus, vapid, bogus and worthless life."

Unquote.

Yes, two boguses.

Lady Metroland, shrieking of her terrible dependency

upon cocaine powder, threw off her Chaperatti ball gown

and stood naked upon the dance floor,

an example quickly followed by old and young alike,

until only the servants remained clothed

and grotesquely hairy Archie Swert,

swinging naked from the chandeliers,

screamed that all his money

derived from prostitution and the opium trade.

Lady Metroland's son Miles,

howled and howled and confessed

to an intimate beastliness, involving five guardsmen

of the royal household, two Marines

and a bricklayer from Huddersfield.

Nina Blount.

Nina Blount.

Grasped her stomach, screamed she was a whore

and misquoted several lines of Lady Macbeth,

whilst Adam Fenwick-Symes,

cried on heaven to bear witness

to his talentless pennery and hopeless illiteracy.

Never, never, never have such scenes been witnessed

in high society, that uneasy alliance

between bright young things and old survivors.

Perhaps this was the defining moment of our epoch of speed

and (mumbles), this so called 20th century

of angst, neurosis and panic.

Rita be glad that you

have nothing to do with this world,

it's glamor is a delusion.

It's speed a snare.

It's music a scream of fear.

Faster and faster they swirl, sickening themselves

with every turn.

The faster the ride,

the greater the nausea, the terror and the shame.

Stop.

Yes, that's it.

Good night.

(laughing)

(gas hissing)

- [Man] Poking at you?

Have you seen it?

- Of course I want to sue!

- I want to sue too.

I want to sue you, Margot.

I want to sue Monomark.

I wanna sue this whole damn country.

- How much?

Well am I covered?

I don't know, insurance against acts of God.

Or acts of aristocrats.

He was insane.

He was upper class.

He was English, for Christ sake!

You know why I sent for you.

I need a new Mr. Chatterbox and you owe me.

- After this, surely you're gonna

have to close the column down.

- Are you crazy?

We sold 100,000 extra copies, this morning.

I've had new advertisers on the telephone since 9 o'clock.

No, no the hysteria I can handle.

And you're part of it.

We take the initiative, make a story out of it.

First thing we do is, you write a piece.

Last of the Balcairns.

Pitch it strong.

You knew the boy.

- He was my friend.

- Friend?

Don't had me that, son.

I'm offering you 15 pounds a week.

He was only getting 10.

Next year, when you're finished your book,

it will be greeted with great critical acclaim

by all my newspapers.

And don't forget,

I'm Chairman of the Montreal's Literary Prize.

Award winning writer, Adam Symes.

Sound good?

Meanwhile, you'll get expenses.

Go to all the parties and race meetings and balls

you'd be going to anyway.

- The trouble is, I'm not allowed to write about anyone

who was at Margot's last night.

I mean half of them are suing.

The other half have only agreed not to on condition

their name's never appear in the column.

- You could always make them up, I suppose.

- Make them up?

- Half the people in the papers

weren't never heard of anyway.

You have soldiers and explorers

and new painters and composers and authors.

Why not invent some new ones?

- Say, that might be rather something.

We could have the beautiful Imogen Quest.

Heiress, adventuress, absinthe drinker.

- Drug addicted, insatiable lesbian.

- Can't write that!

- You could imply it.

- All right, so Imogen Quest.

And how about, the sinister Count,

- Zeldorf.

- Nudist and yodeler.

I say, this could be rather fun.

I could even make up fashions.

If I could only get Archie Swert to wear suede shoes

by the end of the month, you can call me Dierdre & Popper.

- Yellow suede shoes.

- Darling, you're a genius!

And green bowler hats.

(big band music)

- Social, please, Simon here.

(flashing)

- Copy!

- Manchester races tomorrow, for the November Handicap.

Stop.

- Oh my dears.

This is, this most of them all.

To Manchester races tomorrow for the November Handicap.

Count Zeldorf, now romantically linked

to man hating Imogen Quest.

Tiger darling, feet off the table, I think.

Is expected to be there,

in one of the new green bowler hats, sweeping society.

Green bowler hat.

Imagine.

(laughing) - Imogen Quest,

everyone's going on about her.

I don't believe there is such a person.

- Archie told me he met her.

Didn't you Archie?

- Imogen?

Known her for years.

It's cold and windy and I'm bored.

Printius, pack everything up, there's a chap.

- [Miles] We have to collect my winnings.

- [Agatha] Nina, I believe you know who Chatterbox is.

- [Nina] No, really I don't, do I Adam?

- No, have no clue.

I have a real horrid feeling it might be you, Miles.

- Adam, if only.

I could so use the money.

Oh, by the way, by the way.

I do hope you're all going to come and see Tiger here.

I mean he's darling with the racing car,

winning the RMS Pro, next week.

- Oh I say, can we?

- Well I dare say, I could get you in.

- Could we be, how do you say it?

Backstage?

- I reckon so.

You'll have to pretend to be mechanics.

Only officials are allowed in the pit.

- Oh Adam, let's go, I love cars.

- You look far too pretty, to be a fast driver, Tiger.

Oh dear.

Is that an awful thing to say?

- Darling, he's not called Tiger for nothing.

Behind the wheel, this cherub, becomes a demon!

(laughing)

Hello mama!

- [Agatha] Oh such laughs.

(crowd talking) (announcing)

- [Man] Last chance to punt!

- Tiger, he can drive us back to London.

Printius can make his way by train.

Can't you Printius?

- Well let's go back now then, before it gets dark.

- [Announcer] (mumbles) November Handicap.

- [Major] Why isn't that young poltroon wearing a poppy?

- Nina!

- What darling?

- That voice?

Nevermind, look.

I have to stay, really.

Mr. Chatterbox.

The big race is coming up.

- Well I'll stay with you then, darling.

We can go down by train.

Too much Agatha and too much Miles, I dare say.

Too much.

- What does too much mean?

- It's not really enough.

I say, look there's someone actually in a green bowler.

- Where?

- There.

- Oh Lord.

- Oh, who should I bet on for the November Handicap?

- Too late, love.

They run the rod in.

- Oh.

- Nina.

- Angel boy.

- It's not really enough to get married on is it?

15 pounds a week.

- I suppose you could always go and see Papa again.

Now you're a successful journalist

he might take you more seriously.

(announcing) Oh dear!

- What?

- Number seven, isn't it too unbearable?

- Number seven?

- It's Indian Runner.

- [Man] 33 to one.

Whoever even heard of Indian bloody Runner?

- Oh my God, I was right.

- 33,000 pounds.

- My Major!

My bloody Major!

- [Nina] Darling?

(marching band music)

- Oh sorry!

Excuse me, excuse me.

- Look at him, this is Ginger.

We used to play as children

and he's been planting tea in Salon

and I haven't seen him for simply years,

isn't that a thing?

- Dearly Littlejohn.

When I say, do call me Ginger, everybody does.

Hang on.

Don't I know you though?

- Shepheard's Hotel.

You did a coin trick.

- Well dash me twice, your friend won a 1,000 pounds off me.

Very clever fellow.

- That 1,000 pounds should now be 34,000.

Do you remember me giving it to a drunken Major?

- Yeah, you won't see him for dusting.

I thought so at the time, didn't like to say.

I know old Majors, yeah,

and I think on the ground in Columba,

don't pay their bridge debts.

Famous for it.

Bad luck.

Look, I don't know about you two,

but I'm just kind of fed up with racing.

Why don't you come back to town with me?

My bus is parked outside.

I'll just settle up here.

- Oh Adam, let's.

Pots darling, simply pots of gold coming out of his ears.

- I thought we were gonna stay up here and see your father?

- Look, why don't you stay up and you can see my Papa

in the morning and then we'll dine together tomorrow night.

And you can tell me all about.

I've got bags to catch up on with old Ginger here.

- Come on then.

- What about tomorrow's Mr. Chatterbox?

I can't very well write about a night

at a Manchester hotel and a visit to your father, can I?

- Well why don't I write it for you?

I'll be in London, I know just the kind of things you say.

- All right, well, I'll wire to my (mumbles) to the paper

and you can do tomorrow.

- Deuce meant a lot running into you, old girl.

Last time I know anyone in the old world now.

Been sitting around at Shepheard's, bored as a gherkin.

Where behind!

- Symes!

- [Nina] Adam! - Good afternoon,

Lord Monomark.

- I was hoping to see you here.

Wanted a word.

Now see here, Symes.

I like your page, it's peppy.

Lots of new names.

It's got the innovative touch, which I like.

I read it everyday, so does my daughter.

We haven't had one single libel action

since you took over.

Which is fine.

Now what's all this about bottle green bowlers?

- Well they are only a limited number at present, sir.

- You got one, let me see a green bowler.

- Well I don't actually wear one myself.

- Well where have you even seen them?

I haven't seen one.

- Well there was a young man here earlier.

- One swallow does not a summer make.

Nor one hat a fad.

And another thing.

Count Zeldorf.

I don't say he doesn't exist,

but Ambassador Van Ruben Trop

doesn't know a thing about him.

And I'm not in the business of offending Heir Hitler.

So no more about him and no more publicity

for the restaurant Espinosas.

They made out my bill wrong last night.

- Espinosas is the only place where--

- Got those three things clear?

Green bowlers, Zeldorf, Espinosas.

Tabulate them in the mind, my boy.

One, two, three.

Cheers (mumbles) tabulation.

- [Adam] Major!

(engine whirring)

- [Nina] So, how is Papa?

- Very amiable.

10,000 this time.

- Greta Garbo.

Oh well.

We won't bother about him anymore.

By the way, I shan't be able to come to the motor racing.

- What?

- I promised I'd help Ginger find somewhere proper to live.

He's fed up with hotel life,

you know how thieving and ghastly those (mumbles) can be.

- Tried to telephone you last night.

- Well, darling.

It was Rolo Littlemore's 21st

and I thought it'd be worth going

for the sake of Mr. Chatterbox.

You know I think I make rather a good journalist.

- Did you write?

- A few things about Rolo being expelled from Eton.

And then of course, I put in lots of imaginary things.

- What sort of imaginary things?

- Oh I don't know.

I said, "I saw Count Zeldorf, going into Espinosas,

in a green bowler, you know, things like that.

- You said that?

- Yes, wasn't that a good thing to say?

I thought that's what you, darling?

- [Adam] Excuse me.

- [Nina] What's wrong?

- Central 4000, please.

Symes here.

Look, put me through to the night editor, please.

- [Man] Got a message for you.

- A message?

- [Man] To put you straight through to his Lordship.

- No, no, no, no.

Hang on a second.

- [Monomark] Symes!

- Oh, good evening, Lord Monomark.

- Bad tabulation there, young Symes.

- [Adam] I'm awfully sorry.

- I'm disappointed in you.

Can't pretend I'm not.

You're fired.

- [Adam] No.

- And now, Mrs. Simpson, how can I persuade you

to return to America?

(swing music)

- Bored already!

- I mean you'd think that they'd have a full bar.

- Someone said something very encouraging

about a Divine Tent.

- This cells drivers, mechanics,

stewards and family only passes point.

- We're family.

- Oh yes?

Which car?

- Tiger Leboushare, he's my husband.

- He's your what?

- My friend is confused, darling.

Tiger is my husband.

Look, there he is!

(engines revving)

- Oh, how dreamy he is!

What is it about boys in goggles?

- Pit 13.

- Hoorah, my lucky number!

- You should be in brassards by right.

- What is a brassard?

- You've caught Tiger's fancy.

(engine revving)

- Hello!

I've been looking for you everywhere.

- Well I've been looking for you.

Where's my money?

- I can't hear you.

Where's what?

- My money!

- It's no good, these infernal machines

make too much racket.

What's your name?

- Adam Symes.

- I must know your name!

- Adam Symes!

- Oh!

- Look, I'm the spare mechanic.

How blissfully savage.

- Now, rules.

You can watch from the pit on track side.

You're not allowed to hand me anything direct,

but if I raise my left hand as I come through the pit,

that means I shall be stopping next lap for petrol.

- What does it mean if I wave this flag?

- That you want me to stop.

- Angel body, why should we want you to stop?

- Well, you might see something wrong with the car,

or one of the officials might want the number plate cleaned.

Now, look here, Miles.

Less of the angel body.

These people know me.

- Clearly they don't, darling.

But don't worry.

I shall be discretion herself.

(announcing)

(clapping)

(horn blowing)

(crowd yelling)

(engines revving) (big band music)

(crowd yelling)

- [Man] How about give it another go?

Come on try it again.

(tires screeching)

- Oh! (crowd yelling)

- Was that car supposed to explode?

(announcing)

(engines blaring) (crowd yelling)

- Go 13!

There's that (mumbles), come on 13, come on!

Oh well done, 13.

- Agatha, darling, you know

you really shouldn't have waved that flag.

- I did, how awful!

Why not?

- Well it's blue, that means he's to stop next lap.

(engines blaring) - Oh Lord.

Did I wave a blue flag?

- My dear, you know you did.

- How shaming.

What am I to say to him?

- Let's go away, before they come back.

- You know, I think we better.

(engines blaring)

He might be furious, mightn't he?

Let's find that Divine Tent and have a drink.

(announcing)

- Oh look, there's your boyfriend, again.

Persistent, I'll give him that.

- There you are!

I've been chasing you all over.

Where the devil have you been?

- Well I've been staying in (mumbles).

- But I never heard of you.

I've got to admit, I'd had rather a few too many that night.

And to tell you the truth, I woke up

and things were rather a blur.

And then I found 1,000 quid in my pocket

and it all came back to me.

Some (mumbles) given me his bundle to put on Indian Runner.

Now as far as I knew, Indian Runner was no good.

I didn't want to lose your money, boy.

But the devil if it was, I didn't know you from Adam.

- From Adam?

That's rather priceless.

- Neither did Lottie, apparently.

- You don't mean to say you've still got my 1,000?

- Well on the day of the race, I didn't know what to do.

One half of me said keep the 1,000.

Chap's bound to turn up sometime

and his business to do his own punting.

The other half said, put it all on The Favorite

and give him a run for his money.

- So you put it all on The Favorite.

- Well in the end, I said,

"Young chap must be frightfully rich,

"if he wants to throw his money away,

"it's none of my business."

So I planked it all on Indian Runner for you.

- You mean?

- I mean I've got a nice little packet of 34 thou,

waiting for you to condescend to pick it up.

- Good heavens.

Well look here.

Have a drink, right?

- Ah, now that's the thing I never refuse.

- Archie, loan me some money, til I get this fortune, okay?

- Well how much do you want?

- Enough to buy five bottles of champagne.

- Darling, just think what parties you could have.

- How well your lady friend moves.

- Look here, old boy.

Makes me feel awful ass,

but my note case was pinched in the crowd.

Couldn't possibly lend me a fiver, could you?

I'll give it to you at the same time I hand over 34 thou.

- Of course!

Archie, let me have five, okay?

- Awfully good of you.

What do you say we do a tenner while we're about it?

- I'm sorry, I have only just enough--

- That's all right, ol chap. - To get home.

- Quite understand, not another word about it.

- Right. - Look, you roll along

to the Imperial about seven o'clock,

I'll give you your money then.

Glad to get it off my chest (laughs).

- Wow, 34,000.

- And he must powder her nose.

We might as well (mumbles).

And down.

(engines blaring)

- What's wrong with your driver?

(mumbling) Do you want to scratch?

Who's the spare?

Who's the spare driver?

- Oh, wait, it's me.

It's on my arm.

- Oh are you going to scratch?

- Certainly not.

- What's your name?

- Agatha, I'm the spare driver.

It's on my arm.

- Yes I can see it is.

All right then.

Start off as soon as you like.

- She's not--

- No, no, no, rules are rules.

In you pop, Miss.

In you pop.

- It's on my arm.

- I say, Ag.

Are you sure you're all right?

- It says on my arm, Tiger.

- There's a good deal of Don Perigon

swashing around inside you.

Quite sure it's absolutely safe?

- Oh absolutely safe, darling.

(mumbles) but no I'll go quietly at first,

until I get used to it.

Well, goodbye!

Oh too scary!

(engine revving)

(crowd cheering)

- Whoa!

(laughing)

(screaming)

(upbeat fast music)

(screaming)

(engines blaring)

- [Announcer] Well good heavens,

car 13 has veered off the course and seems

to be speeding across four acre field.

Great pity after setting a new course record.

- Oh my dears, that's lucky for me.

A really good story on my second day as Mr. Chatterbox.

- Where's that woman gone with my bloody car?

- Oh she's probably remembered a party somewhere.

I expect you'll find it neatly parked

and polished and pretty in Barkley Square.

- Shall we then?

This motor racing is a bore.

- I beg your pardon?

I take the trouble to find you--

- Oh don't be stiff and pompous, Tiger dear.

- Tiger, we've had a splendid day.

We've enjoyed ourselves immensely,

but it's getting late

and I have to be in town to pick up a fortune.

- If there's so much as a scratch on her bonnet.

- I don't think she was wearing a bonnet, to be honest.

- You bloody people.

Who the bloody hell do you think you are?

(engine whirring)

(engine blaring)

(upbeat fast music)

- [Woman] If you just like to sign in, your excellency.

- More than certainly.

- Excuse me, have you seen--

- A moment, sir.

Your telegram, your excellency.

And your key.

- Thank you.

- Major.

- No.

- My money.

- Money?

- 1,000 pounds, plus 33,000 in winnings.

- Oh that.

Safe enough, Union Bank of London.

Never put your money into anything

that wasn't straight, old boy.

- No, of course not.

Very kind of you to have looked after it for me.

Listen, you said you'd give me a check this evening.

- Ah, (mumbles).

I told someone I'd give them a check.

How do I know it was you?

You might be a crook!

- Look, I've got two friends waiting for me

in the Palm Court, who will swear to you,

I'm Adam Symes; will that do?

- Might be a game.

Besides, I don't know what the name of the chap

who gave me the 1,000 pounds was.

And then I got your word for it.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll sleep on it.

I'll tell you my decision when I awake.

Don't think me suspicious, old boy.

I'm a bloody be careful.

(snoring)

- I'm the Prince of Anatolia.

The most valuable pen in Europe.

(yelling)

- We've just heard.

They found Agatha at Euston Station.

- Staring fixedly as a model engine

in the central hall, apparently.

- The station master asked her name

and she just pointed to her arm

and said she was the spare driver.

So they've carted her off to a mental home.

- What?

- Did you get your fortune?

- Oh, the Major's too drunk to recognize me.

He's just gone to,

sleep.

- [Adam] You know I saw that Major,

but I'm afraid it may be bogus.

- We haven't got any money.

- No job, no money.

- We shan't be getting married soon.

- Not soon.

- I see.

- Well?

- I said, I see.

- Is that all?

- Yes, Adam, that's all.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye, Nina.

- Oh it's Lottie, think of me.

When did you last pay us, dear?

(ringing)

And let's make up that bill of yours sometime.

- I expect your right.

By the way, Lottie, that foreign monarch.

Is he still staying here?

- The King of way was it?

Yeah.

- You might give him this.

- Oh (laughs).

- Excuse, but there is a telephone for a Mr. Symes.

- Thank you, Brazilio.

- [Lottie] Oh Lord it's Miss Carr, is it?

What am I gonna do with her? - Hello?

- Darling, I'm afraid I've got something

rather awful to tell you.

I'm engaged to be married.

- Who to?

- I hardly think I can tell you.

- [Adam] Who is it?

- Ginger.

- (laughs) I don't believe it.

- Well I am, that's all there is to it.

- You're going to marry Ginger?

- Yes. - I see.

- Well? - I said, I see.

- Is that all?

- Yes, Nina, that's all.

- When shall I see you?

- I don't want ever to see you again.

- I see. - Well?

- I said, I see.

- Well, goodbye.

- Told you it wouldn't be that hard, old girl.

- Don't do that, Ginger darling.

Your mustache tickles.

- Darling, I can't really see who it is.

There are some cocktail things in the wardrobe.

Do make a big one.

You look just like Adam Symes.

- How you feeling, Aggie?

- Oh rather odd, to tell you the truth.

How's Nina?

- She got engaged to be married.

- Ginger, I expect.

Darling you're so sweet.

Everyone guessed.

Pots of money.

Are you very upset?

- Desperate.

Thinking of committing suicide, like Simon.

- Don't do that, darling.

Too many people are disappearing.

Did you get your money?

- No, the drunken Major's disappeared too.

Agatha, I have nothing.

Smashed up.

All to pieces.

- You know all that time, I was dotty.

Had the most awful dreams.

I thought we were all driving around and round

at a motor race and none of us could stop.

And there was an enormous audience

composed entirely of gossip writers

and gate crushers and Archie Swert

and bogus people, shouting at us to go faster.

And car after car kept crashing, until I was left all alone,

driving and driving and then I would crash and wake up.

- Aggie, darling!

How are you?

Goodness how gothic!

How gloomy, how grim!

- Oh my dear, how blind making!

- I bought some records in a funny little shop.

- You are angelic, do let's try them.

There's a gramophone under the bed.

- I saw lots of people at Margot's.

Some are coming round, do you mind?

- Why no, let's have a party.

Never had a party in a mental home before, have we?

Or have we?

Have we?

♪ Dance, dance, dance little lady ♪

♪ Youth is fleeting to the rhythm ♪

♪ Beating in your mind

♪ Dance, dance, dance little lady ♪

♪ So obsessed with second best

♪ No rest you'll ever find

♪ Time and tide and trouble

♪ Never, never wait

♪ Let the cauldron bubble

♪ Justify your fate

♪ Dance, dance, dance little lady ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance little lady ♪

♪ Leave tomorrow behind - Oh I love you all so much!

(laughing)

- [Van] Wonderful! - Again, again!

- [Van] Now I think we need a little more!

- I say, Miles.

- I'm so sorry.

So silly.

Only it's the beastliest thing.

(crying)

I've got to go now.

Train, France.

It's so unbearably, unbearable!

Tiger.

Tiger, of all people.

- Tiger?

- He left some letters from me, lying around.

The police have them.

There's a warrant, for my...

I can't even go and pack.

- Hello, Aggie, I say.

Miles, what's up?

- Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye, Archie.

You'll have a good story today, Van.

Adam (crying).

Oh.

Sorry, Nina.

Miles is in a scrape again.

- What's happened?

- Everyone's going round and round and round.

Keep dancing, everybody!

- Miles has to leave the country.

Police.

- Oh no.

- Well, this is all a bit bloody.

- Thought you were never going to speak to me again.

- Well it had happened, didn't it?

- Agatha's looking better than I expected.

- Oh Nina.

- What is it, darling?

- Oh Nina what a lot of parties.

- I know.

Oh.

You're so hot.

- Mask parties, savage parties, Victorian parties,

Greek parties, Wild West parties, Russian parties,

circus parties, parties where you have to dress

as somebody else, almost naked parties

and St. John's word parties and flats and studios and houses

and ships and hotels and nightclubs

and swimming baths and windmills.

Dances in London, so dull.

Comic dances in Scotland and disgusting dances

in the suburbs.

All that succession and repetition of mast humanity.

All those vile bodies!

And now a party in a mental hospital.

Come back with me to Lottie's tonight.

- No.

- Please. - Ginger wouldn't like it.

- Nina, do you love him?

- Oh Adam, how can you ask?

- Then why?

- Oh Adam, how can you ask?

- Money?

Bloody money.

- It's all very well to look down on money,

but a girl's got to look after herself, these days.

- Come and dine with me at Lottie's.

- Ginger wouldn't understand.

- Last time, Nina.

- Well...

I believe you knew I was going to.

Oh darling.

If only you were as rich as Ginger.

Or even half as rich.

- [Nurse] Really!

Cocktails and records in a sick room.

Who on Earth does such a thing?

Out you go, the pair of you!

- Hello, dears.

- [Adam] Hello, Lottie!

- [Nina] Hello Brazilio.

- Buenos aires, madam!

- Nasty, angry fellow in here for you today.

Looked like a debt collector.

Vulgar mustache.

I told him you'd gone to Newcastle (laughs).

Don't like debt collectors.

What about my little bill?

- We were thinking a spot of dinner, first.

- In the dining room, dear?

Of course not.

I'll have Brazilio bring it up to your room.

(laughing)

- Darling, art too divine.

How are you?

How are you?

I wonder you were able to come.

Ouch!

Only you must take care not to fall out of the corners.

I wish I knew which thing was which in this car.

Darling, do try and drive straight.

Faster, faster, faster!

- That was the first day I met you.

Agatha and I came down to Oxford to visit Miles.

You don't seem to be enjoying yourself

very much this evening.

- Sorry, am I being a bore?

- Suppose I should go home now, really.

- Yes.

- What's the matter?

- I'd give anything in the world for something different.

- Yes, but you don't have anything.

Oh.

You do give me a pain, you know.

Such pain.

- So your little bird has flown, has she?

Sit down and have a glass of wine, eh?

That's it (laughs).

Now dear, what about my bill?

- Oh yes, of course.

Well, look have it made out and sent up to me.

- I've got it here.

Bless you.

What a lot you seem to have drunk (laughs).

- Well, thank you so much.

I'll send you down a check.

- No dear, suppose you write it down here.

Here's the pen.

Here's the ink and oh (laughs).

Here's a blank checkbook.

- All right.

78 pounds.

16 shillings.

- And tuppence for the check.

- And tuppence.

Charlie Chaplin.

There.

- Adam Fenwick-Symes.

What childish scroll, (laughs).

Charlie Chaplin, indeed.

- Private joke.

- Look who's turned up.

If it isn't Mr. How do you do.

Come in and have a glass, dear.

Now I knew you, before you were born.

- Yes, hello Lottie.

Look here, Symes.

I want to speak to you.

Perhaps we might go somewhere, where we won't be disturbed.

- Bless you, boys.

You just have a nice chat.

There's no one in the back parlor.

I won't bother you.

I have lots to do.

And may the best man win.

- Well?

- What I'm about to say is that

what I'm about to say may sound unpleasant, yeah,

and all that, but look here, you know, dammit.

I mean the better man has won.

Not that I'm saying, that I'm the better man.

I wouldn't say that for a moment.

All the bad luck on you and all that.

But still, when you come to think of it,

I mean, look here, you know dammit!

Do you see what I mean?

- Not quite.

Is it something about Nina?

- Yes it is.

We are engaged.

I'm not having you butting in, or there'll be hell to pay.

- What makes you think I'm butting in?

- Well I know you, you dined with her last night

and stayed out jolly late too.

- How do you know we stayed out jolly late?

- Well, as a matter of fact,

I had to talk to her about something jolly important

and I called her up once or twice

and didn't get an answer until three o'clock.

- I suppose you rang her every 10 minutes.

- Well, not as often as all that.

I've known her since we were children.

Used to play with her.

Friend of the family.

I mean I know you were sort of engaged,

but believe me, I had her photo by my bed in Salon.

Yeah, that's sound rather wet, but there you are.

The thing is, I trust her.

Of course I trust her.

I don't kid myself.

No oil painting.

She doesn't like my tache,

but upper lip's got a birthmark on it.

- You're saying she doesn't love you?

- You're brainy.

You don't have a port wine stain on your upper lip.

You may be broke, but girls are odd.

I want you to promise me--

- How much is she worth to you?

- Come again?

- I'll sell her to you.

- Good God, dammit.

- I'll sell my share in Nina for 100 pounds.

- You pretend to be in love her,

and you talk of her like that?

It's not decent!

Besides, 100 pounds is a deuce if a lot.

Just put a deposit of 500 down on a place on Charles Street.

Investments going up and down.

Marriage isn't cheap, you know?

- 100 pounds down and I leave Nina to you.

I think it's cheap.

- 50. - 100.

- 75. - 100.

- Damned if I'll pay anymore than 75.

- I'll take 78 pounds, 16 shillings and tuppence.

I can't go lower than that.

- All right.

You really will go away?

- I'll try, Ginger.

- (mumbles), poor girl.

I don't think you're a gentleman, sir.

- Neither do I.

(ringing)

- Miss Blount's residence.

- Nina, it's Adam.

- Oh hello, darling.

I thought you might be Ginger.

Woke up feeling I couldn't face him.

He rang up last night, just as I got in

and anyway, I don't think I want to marry him after all.

- Say Nina, rather strange thing's happened.

Lottie presented her bill.

- Oh Adam.

What did you do?

- Well I did something rather extraordinary.

My dear, I sold you.

- Darling.

Who to?

- Ginger.

He came around in a debate.

You fetched 78 pounds and 16 shillings

and tuppence. - Well!

- [Adam] Goodbye, Nina.

- Sir!

How may I thank you?

You find my pen, with the eagles.

Oh bless you!

God bless you!

I am mad with joy!

- Oy!

- Not at all sir!

- Come and listen to the wireless.

The funniest thing!

- [Announcer] Today we're prepared at once,

to withdraw their troops from Poland.

A state of war, would exist between us.

I have to tell you now, that no such undertaking has been

received and that consequently,

this country is at war with Germany.

(bomb whistling)

(gunfire)

(airplane engine whirring)

- [Nina] Dearest Dear.

I'm so glad you wrote back, at last.

How proud of you, I am.

Everyone says you should have a VC.

Now darling, the baby is called Tommy.

And he looks so like a miniature you.

Of course Ginger is convinced that he's the father.

He and little Tommy are in a ghastly house

in Platt Street, but angel, guess where I'm living at,

to be near my new job?

Shepheard's Hotel, of all places.

Do hurry home, darling.

They've started bombing London.

Which is horrid.

(yelling)

- I say, it's all right, I'm English!

I'm English!

- Hello!

All the killing, this smoke!

- My God!

You're the drunk Major!

- I am not drunk, damn you sir!

And what's more, I'm a General.

What the deuce are you doing here?

- Well to tell the truth, sir, I've lost my platoon.

- Lost your platoon?

I've lost my whole bloody division.

- Is it all over, sir?

- Hard to say, frankly.

Thing to do is head to the beaches and see if the Navy

can pick us up.

Not that things are any better in London.

They bombed St. James' last night.

Shepheard's Hotel, flattened.

Poor old Lottie.

Hang on, Lottie.

I know you from her, don't I?

Owe you some money.

- 34,000 pounds.

- 34,005, never forget a debt!

Looked for you everywhere before this crap started.

Even went to bloody Newcastle.

Might as well give you a check here and now.

- Shepheard's Hotel, completely gone?

- Yep, all dead.

- Name?

- Adam Fenwick-Symes.

- Had a (mumbles) Major Fenwick-Symes,

during the last go.

- My father.

- He played the fool, too.

Or was it the violin?

Ha!

There you go!

- Thank you.

- Well a case of bubbly in the car.

Let's see if there's any life in it.

(bomb exploding)

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Would've been blown away on a beach

by them stukers, sir.

Bloody miracle, eh?

- Yes.

Bloody miracle.

Are we in Dover?

- That's right, sir.

- Break open this door.

- It's customs and excise property, sir.

- Break it open, private.

- Sir.

You sure you know what you're doing, sir?

- [Adam] There's something of mine in here.

At least it might still be here.

- [Ginger] So what brings you to sunny Platt Street?

- I just came to see you and the boy.

- I can't offer you much to drink.

And well done on all those medals.

If it hadn't been for my fallen arches.

My asthma.

- Absolutely.

- Tommy!

Turn that rattle off, come meet your godfather.

Sorry, we didn't ask your permission.

Nina didn't think you'd mind.

- Hello, Tommy.

I'm Adam.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Ginger, did they ever find Nina?

- Nina?

She's having a whale of time at the factory.

- She's alive?

- Of course she is.

- But I thought everyone at Shepheard's was killed?

- Oh, Nina was on night shift.

No, she'll be back later.

So war's been all right for some.

I'm going to be arrested.

- Arrested?

- Bloodiest thing.

Try and help people out.

A little petrol here.

Some of life's little luxury there.

I mean dash it, we all can't all be misery.

Anyway.

I've had everything confiscated and I'm gonna be arrested.

- Are you his old chap?

- Yes, Tommy, I am.

- [Ginger] It's all just so damnably unfair.

All right for some.

If I had just had some cash, I could make it to Ireland

and then over to America.

They appreciate people like me in the states.

- How much?

- Hmm?

- How much do you need?

- Well, a lot of people to sweeten on the way.

- How would 34,000 do?

- 34,000 pounds?

- And five.

I'll buy Nina and Tommy off you for 34,005.

- Haven't we done this before?

(serious music)

(air raid horns blaring)

- 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.

(air raid horns blaring) (dog barking)

- Ginger?

Are you drunk?

- Where as I, Ginger Littlejohn,

in consideration of the sum of 34,005 pounds,

do relinquish all claims on my wife,

Nina Littlejohn and son, Thomas Edward.

Signed, Ginger Littlejohn.

- Have I been sold again?

- Do you mind, terribly?

- Have we any money left?

- None at all.

- Oh.

♪ The party's over now, the dawn is drawing very nigh ♪

♪ The candles gutter, the starlight leaves the sky ♪

♪ It's time for little girls and boys, to hurry home to bed ♪

♪ For there's a new day, waiting just ahead ♪

♪ Life is sweet

♪ But time is fleet

♪ Beneath the magic of the moon ♪

♪ Dancing time

♪ May seem sublime

♪ But it ended all too soon

♪ The thrill has gone

♪ To linger on

♪ Would spoil it anyhow

♪ Let's creep away

♪ From the day

♪ For the party is over now

♪ One, two, one, two three

(big band music)

(serious music)

(jazz music)

♪ Ain't no flies on the lamb of God ♪

♪ He's smarter than a whip

♪ He rules us all with an iron rod ♪

♪ In his firm and tender grip

♪ Jesus, Jesus, fly me to the sky ♪

♪ Lead us, lead us, Jesus you're our guy ♪

♪ So don't you mess with the Lord of hosts ♪

♪ Or take him for a sap

♪ The Lord ain't suckered by no white old horse ♪

♪ Because the Lord don't take no crap ♪

♪ Jesus, Jesus, fly me to the sky ♪

♪ Lead us, lead us, Jesus you're our guy ♪

♪ Oh hear me, Jesus, seize us on a Demon's stand ♪

♪ Believe me, feed us, feed us, Jesus you're the champ ♪