All language subtitles for Bob Servant Independent s01e06 Election Day.eng

We'll stick a banner up here.
Saying what?

"Congratulations to Bob Servant on
winning

the Broughty Ferry by-election.

"Have a few drinks on us and
go bananas.

"All the very best, the Bob Servant
independent campaign."

You could edit that doon a bit.

How much are you putting
behind the bar?

Oh, er... The alcohol budget is �60,
right?

Now, that's...
that's three drinks per person.

Now, please mark people's
hands for their first two drinks

and then their forehead for
the third.

I'm not daein' that.

And I want a real buzz aboot
the place.

Lots of excitement, with a keen sense
of danger and uncertainty

with absolutely nae limits -
got it? Nuh.

And I want people standing here

wondering if they're gonna have a few
drinks, and maybe,

I don't know...

wake up...

in the Congo.

The atmosphere budget is �15.

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http://UKsubtitles.ru.

Hey, Georgie!

Bob, without sounding
like an awfa greedy guts,

dae I get the election deposit
back tonight?

Yep, and probably
some prize money on top.

Thank God. Money's for my new
bathroom.

And you deserve it.
Thanks, Bob.

Good people, good people!

Where are all our posters,
Frank?

Ah, you only need one, Bob.
They all say the same thing.

Aye, it's a good day to die.

Common sense will prevail.

We're getting positive vibes from
the undecided. Oh, good for you. Er, good afternoon. Nick Edwards.

Er, now, if you don't mind me
saying, you look of retirement age. Here...

Have a gander at my policies for
ring-fencing pension funds.

They're...
Are you the boy

that was on the radio
talking aboot The Krankies?

Bob Servant, independent,
in the flesh.

He's my man!

Well, that's a definite.

There's a long way to go.

Come on, darling.

What a day, Frank.
What a day!

And not a boo boy in sight.

Right, Bob, final push.
We're going door to door.

Oh, plenty of time for that,
Frank. Plenty of time for that.

I've got a wee meeting
back at the extension.

How can I help you, Bob?

Well, I thought, you know,

while I'm in London, maybe
your mob

could use the extension as a
cathedral.

No.
Or some sort of prayer room.

Punters could come and pray
that maybe one day

they'd have an extension of
their own.

Prayer is reserved for spiritual
concerns.

I want to send a message to
the people.

I wanna tell them that although Bob's
body may be in London,

his heart's here in Broughty
Ferry,

in there, on the coffee table,
beating away.

OK, Bob, if you're going away,

the Church is always interested in
emergency housing.

Housing?!
We're in a recession.

There are a lot of desperate people
in the parish. Oh, nae chance! Cloud-cuckoo-land.

Fine.

I'll pass that reaction on.

Pass what on?

That you're unwilling to help the
weakest in Broughty Ferry society.

Should make a good feature
for the newsletter.

Newsletter? Or maybe even the local
media.

Right, right.
You can have the extension.

Hang on, Bob...
Oh, let it go, Frank, let it go.

I'll build a bigger one, a better
one.

I'm gonna be minted.
Really?

Oh, aye.

Oh, the MP game is where the readies
are, you know, above the table,

below the table, brown envelopes,
white envelopes,

tips, winks, the old slap on the
back, the old,

"Is this your handbag?"

"Of course not. Why would I have a
handbag?"

"Oh, I think this is one
handbag you do want."

"Oh, well, then, if you insist,

"I'll TAKE the handbag.

"Frank can carry it."

Gladly.

I mean, the-the designs
are just mouth-watering, Bob.

I showed them to my
swimming instructor

and she said it was a bathroom that
was both elegant and practical.

Sounds lovely.

How many more have we got, Frank?

I'm knackered.
It's the last couple, Bob.

Good afternoon.
Jim Henderson?

Hendo Henderson?
Who's asking?

Bob Servant. Simple Servant!

How you doing?

Actually, Hendo,
it's Bob Servant, independent,

nailed-on favourite in the Broughty
Ferry by-election.

Ah? Well, you'll always be Simple
Servant to me.

Is that right? Have we got your vote,
Hendo?

As I says, he'll always be
Simple Servant to me.

Come on, Bob.

Hello there. This is Bob Servant,
independent. We're standing...

I heard you on the radio.
I loved the free wellies idea.

Well, without being an awfa
big head,

the free wellies policy
was actually one of mine.

Oh! 50 years he's been giving me
that. Well, you've got my vote.

Can you do something
about our road? Fire ahead!

Everyone laughing at wee
Simple Servant.

I have phoned the
council week in, week out

aboot the potholes. Madam, we will
raise merry hell

and soon those potholes...
Well! This ends TODAY!

Excuse me. Bob. Bob!

Bob, we've already done this one.

I just want a wee chat with him.
Just a nice wee chat.

What is it noo, Simple?
One, don't call me Simple.

Two, I am the de facto MP
for Broughty Ferry

and I deserve a certain
amount of respect.

But that's your name. Simple.
I said, don't call me Simple!

Bob, I don't think you...
Hey, hey, hey!

This is private property here!
I'm not Simple any more!

Right, you two, just calm down, OK?

Nice in here, Hendo.

Very... cosy.

Ah!

Where's your extension?
Is it oot the back?

I don't have one.
Oh, really? That's a shame.

My extension is probably
the size of your entire hoose.

Oh, well, I might get one.

I could do with the extra space when
the grandkids visit.

Any grandkids, Bob?

Oh, Hendo,

am I right in thinking that you ran
away with that boy frae Fintry

wha' drove the red Sierra?
I think it was you.

That was my wife.

Oh, it was your wife?
Oh, I knew it was one of yous.

Right, well, er, thanks for popping
round lads,

but Countdown's just aboot
to start... Frank,

this man was my first ever
boo boy.

That Hendo Henderson?

You and all your cronies.

Telling the girls that my jumpers
were daft and that I had an odd walk.

Well, here's the headlines, Hendo.

I've got the best walk in
Broughty Ferry

and my jumpers are the
nicest in the toon.

Or...

would you call that...

daft?
A wee bit, aye.

That's cashmere!

Feel it.
Bob, behave yourself!

It's 40% cashmere!
Aye, all right, Bob. All right.

Your jumper is... is very nice.

What do you like best about it?

Patterns?

Now we're getting somewhere.

Right! Let's sort this walk situation
out.

Very strong.

And... what do you like best?

Your... chin. You kind of...

Hold it high?

Correct. And well I should.

But even today,
the day of my coronation,

there had to be one last boo boy.

Well, Hendo, when I'm elected MP,

I'm gonna have you all rounded up,
brought to the town hall,

and made to stand on a bucket
and say,

"I'm a Broughty Ferry boo boy,

"I'm a nasty piece of work, and I was
wrong about Bob Servant."

You know something, Bob?
I was wrong aboot you.

I thought you were just daft. In
fact, you are utterly deranged.

Now piss off, take your brother with
you and let me watch Countdown.

There'll be no sums today, Hendo.

You're one of my... Agh!

I'll just put them back in.
Look, Bob,

perhaps we should...
No sums today!

Oh!
Ah, it seems fine.

Bob, I think that's coming here.

Let's hope they're not
showing Jaws tonight.

Jesus! It's all gone Cagney & Lacey!

Come on, Frank! Come on! Let's hit
the mealy pudding trail.

Now, Bob...

I'm no finger pointer...

but I think perhaps

you have at least partly created a
situation that is, some might say,

a total disaster.

Well, then, we'll have to make it a
secret disaster.

And what do we do
in the meantime, Bob?

We should be out there
campaigning.

Now we're Broughty Ferry's most
wanted. So, we spend a few hours on the run.

It's a piece of piss. We'll grow
beards, hide out in the swamps.

There arenae any swamps.

Well, then, we'll lie low in a motel,
get job as handymen,

helping oot around the place,
live under assumed names,

be polite to the other guests without
giving too much away.

And then...

we'll come back this evening.

The police, though, Bob -
they'll be on our tail.

Now, Frank,

I need you to stand up to
interrogation for a couple of days.

Interrogation?

You know, Chinese burns,

er, thumbnails,

the old elastic band round
your balls.

Round my balls?

Stay still.

Stay very, very still.

And we pledge to stand by
everything in the manifesto.

Don't stop there!

Oh, come on, lads.
Come on, you're killing me!

You're killing me!

The man was an 18-carat bully,
which is why Bob, quite rightly,

booted the fuck out of his
telly.

Sorry, officer.

Bob, what d'you think gonna
hap...? Ssh!

Ssh!

They're watching.

Two-way mirror.

Oh, my God.
Cool, Frank. Keep cool.

Just gie them a wee smile.

Right, Mr Servant, I don't have time
for this. You think I do?

Mr Henderson wants �500 compensation
for the remote control,

the TV and his two fish
who had heart attacks.

Agree to that
and you're off with a caution.

Nae chance!

You've derailed my entire
campaign,

which is illegal. Now, it gives me no
pleasure to do this,

but I hereby instruct you
to arrest yoursel'.

�500, Bob.

Yes or no?

Right, er, we will pay every
penny.

We apologise and you'll get no more
bother from us.

Just...

I'm actually begging you here.

Do not put that round my balls.

Hello. Er...

This is a damage limitation
cold call from the Bob Servant independent campaign.

You may have heard
that Bob kicked a telly.

However, it could be argued
that...

Hello?

Hello?

Hendo!

Oh!

Aye... How we getting on?

Superbly. How many people have you
spoken to?

Er... two.

Oh!

Two? It's a funny story.

The first guy I phoned wasn't
at home.

So, I called his neighbour

and they said he was on
holiday in Blackpool.

Well, I wasnae gonna
let it go that easily.

Directory Enquiries gave me a list
of Blackpool hotels,

who all said, "Oh, he's no'
here, we cannae help you,"

et cetera, et cetera,
blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah.

But efter a couple o' hours...
A couple of hours?

I got him!

He's at...

Blackpool's two-star Royal Hotel.

Which actually sounds lovely.

They said, "He's not in, he's oot
having a walk on the beach."

So, I said, "Tell him someone's
ringing from Broughty Ferry.

"It's an emergency
and it involves his family."

Five minutes later,
he calls me.

Very out of breath.

I said I was calling from the
campaign

and for the good of him and
his family,

would he be voting for us
in the by-election?

He said he wouldn't... Well, he was
actually quite firm aboot that.

But what he also said, which...

which I thought
was a very clever point, was...

he couldn't vote for us
in the by-election today...

because

he is currently on holiday!

In Blackpool.

Everybody's looking at us,
Frank.

They all know.

Hendo's murdered me here.
No-one's looking, Bob.

No-one's looking.
Everything'll be A-OK.

That's what you said about
mad cow.

Was that A-OK?

Rhona! You're looking decidedly top
drawer this evening.

I'm surprised you've had the gall to
show up.

To what would you be referring? Your
campaign has been an embarrassment for Broughty Ferry.

For a by-election candidate to
go around,

on election day, kicking television
sets and killing goldfish...

I didnae kill the goldfish!
It's all over town, Bob. Shall we wait for the autopsy?

Well, if you lose your deposit,
you've only got yourself to blame.

What do you mean, "lose"?

You need 5% of the vote
to have your deposit returned.

Which will be around...

1,000 votes.

That... That... That can't be
right. It's supposed to deter timewasters.

Timewasters?! Well, Rhona, if
standing up for the people and shooting from the hip is timewasting

then we might as well haul up the
white flag, get on a spaceship,

drop the keys off to the
Martians and say,

"All right, you boys have a go
at living on Earth if you like,

"because we've fucked it!"

God, this is going to be a long
night.

Bob... You'll get your dough, Frank.

My new bathroom, Bob.

It's both elegant and practical.
Frank!

My entire reputation's on the line
here! Never mind your bathroom!

Bob... There's nothing wrong

with your old bathroom.
I ripped it oot.

When? Last Saturday night.

Thought I might as well
get ahead in the job.

I was...

heavily inebriated.

Where have you been going
to the toilet?

Just sort of...

on the hoof.

All right, lads?

No, no, no, no. You can't talk
to us. Er, which one's mine?

Can we do hot and cold?
Mr Servant, please go away.

Oh, come on, hen. Gie's a break.
I mean, you're... you're not robots, you people. You have to have hearts.

You are breaking
several regulations right now,

so if you could please...

Interfering with
the vote counters now?

My word, you're having a
spectacular day.

No, no, no. Just checking the
troops.

Must be pretty boring for them,
seeing my name over and over again.

You're just a...

cocky-longlegs.

Cocky-longlegs?

I am extremely tired.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for your patience.
The results will be announced in five minutes.

Well, good luck, Bob...

with your reputation.

And you, Frank,

with your... bathroom.

I can't tell you anything, Bob.

Well, just tell me, just tell me
it's not boo boy material, Rhona.

Just tell me that, please.
Get back.

Morning.

Oh!

Nearly gave myself a hot bot!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have here the results of the
Broughty Ferry by-election.

Blackburn, Susan.

4,296.

Apologies.

Edwards, Nick.

9,546.

Sorry.

Ferrie, Thomas.

5,872.

Him?! This is insane!

Just whisper mine. Back!

Servant, Robert.

112.

Triple figures.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are about
to embark on an extraordinary journey,

and though I will be based in
Westminster, for... practical reasons,

from this day forward,

I am a Brochty...

Broughty.
...Broughty Ferry man.

Firstly...

As a GENUINE Broughty Ferry man,

I officially withdraw my bid.

Secondly...

To the people who, it could be
argued, got more votes than me,

if you have cheated, and just now
it's only a rumour,

then that is something
you'll have to live with.

But more important, more important
than the also-rans

is a wee man standing over
there, with glasses,

called Frank.

Over the last six weeks,

he has worked like a... farmer.

And yet recently,

Frank has been unable to go to the
toilet in his own home.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as long as we live in a world

where it is possible for a good
man

to be unable to go to the toilet in
the comfort of his own home,

I shall keep fighting.

And to those of you who think you've
seen the last of Bob Servant,

well, you're wrong. Because you
haven't seen the last of Bob Servant.

So, good night...

God bless...

and safe journey home.

And if,

on that journey home,

you should see a little child
looking sad...

then...

stop the car...

open the door,

coax them inside...

turn off the lights

and give that little child...

the tightest cuddle you have

and say...

"That's from old Bob."

Good night!

I'll get you your bathroom,
Frank.

It's not aboot the bathroom, Bob.

I know it's not.

Yes, you can use the karaoke.
Just don't touch...

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Bob, these gentlemen are the lucky
recipients of your charitable initiative.

Sorry, folks.
I'm staying put.

The homeless party's off.

But, Bob, these men need
your help.

I can see that. Right, lads...

It's back under the railway
arches for you tonight.

Ach, you'll be fine. Just get a
fire going and tell sad stories.

Hey! Hey! You.

Is that my snazzy jacket?

That, right there...

is the final straw.

Well done, Frank!

Frank! Frank, what are you doing?!

Frank! Frank!

They're not my trousers, Frank.

Stop it, Frank! Stop it.
You're being an idiot.

I am not an idiot, Bob.
I am just doing my best.

I am just doing my best.

Frank!

Frank! Frank!

Frank!

Listen, Frank.

Let me tell you something
aboot winning and losing.

Because you're probably wondering who
won the by-election.

It was Edwards.
No, Frank.

Who really won it.

No, it was Edwards.
Frank,

if we'd won the by-election,
we'd be aff to London

to shake things up down
there, correct?

But the punters don't want
that to happen.

No, they... they made that quite
clear. Exactly.

They want us right here.

They've sent us a clear
message.

"Stay here, lads,

"because we need you,
we admire you,

"we like what we've seen
and we want to see more."

Broughty Ferry has spoken,
Francis.

And I will not play deaf to the
people of Broughty Ferry.

Neither will I.
We did it, Frank.

We more or less did it.

We sort of won.

Pretty much. Now, I believe we've got
a party to go to.

You got that 60 quid for the
party, lads?

Sorry, Stewpot.

Nae win, nae fee.

Revolting.

Cheers.

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So, what's next, Bob?

Frank... think about the most exciting
thing you can.

Now double it.

Now times it by ten.

Oh, Francis, Francis, not
even close!

Morning, lads! Bob Servant,
independent!

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