All language subtitles for Bob Servant Independent s01e04 The Media.eng

Well, folks, it's all eyes
on Broughty Ferry,

with just two weeks
to the by-election.

Joining us in Scotland At One

is Nick Edwards, described by some

as a Westminster star
in the making. Nick.

Well, actually, Sally, I don't really
care about Westminster.

I only care about Broughty Ferry.
I want to be king of that castle.

- I just hope I'm given the chance.
- And in terms of your policies?

- Mm. Well, I... Oh, for Christ's
sake... - We're filming!

Good morning, er... I'm the campaign
manager for Bob Servant, independent.

We're launching a media extravaganza

and I wondered
if you'd like to speak to Bob next.

Cos having Bob on your show
would wow the folks at home

because he's... he's handsome

and he... I tell you, he can turn out
stories like hot cross buns.

We're actually doing an interview...

However, you're not allowed
to show Bob's mouth moving,

but then get someone else
to say daft stuff

and make it look like
Bob's saying it.

Like when that dog said "Sausages"
on Tomorrow's World, you know?

Mm-hm?

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Hey, Georgie!

- Mr Edwards, thank you very much.
- Thank you, Sally. Thank you.

- It's for the lunchtime bulletin,
yeah? - Yeah.

- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.

Have you not done telly before, pal.
You looked a bit nervy.

I've done a fair bit.

Three Question Times,
a couple of Andy Marrs. You?

Absolutely.
There was a table tennis marathon

in the town hall for Children
In Need. I was in the crowd.

But apparently I had
real stage presence.

Well, we've got
a long day of interviews, so...

Good luck with the table tennis.

He wasn't playing,
he was in the crowd.

Bob Servant, independent,
standing in the by-election.

- Right.
- Can we do a wee chat?

Local face to thrill
the folks back home.

We just need a few quick shots
of the river and then we're done.

Ha! Come with us.

What did I tell you?
Best view in Broughty Ferry. Seeing as you're here,

we might as well do a wee interview.

Five minutes.

Deal. Standard chat show drill -
I tell an anecdote,

we have a wee laugh, you make fun of
me, but in a way that shows you respect me.

Just, you know... the by-election.

Fine. Eyes on the prize.

Oh, can we blur out the extension?
I don't want copycats.

- I think you'll be OK.
- Well, put it this way,

if next week some boy in EastEnders
has an extension like mine,

I'll be the guy on the London train
wi' a sledgehammer.

Broughty Ferry breakfasts all roond.

- Breakfast? We really don't have
time. - Oh...

have a drink.

A drink?

Single measures in the morning.

Och, jee...

It'll be 20 minutes max.

Just a bit of a diversion,
we've got some... nut.

It's Colin, isn't it?

Yes.

Tiny little batteries
you've got there, Colin.

I suppose they are, yeah.

They're like the wee Coca-Cola cans
you get on the airplanes.

Right.

I was over at that Magaluf
a couple of year ago, you know?

People in the hotel
banged on about the ham

and how it tastes different,
you know.

I mean, I just says to them,
you know, "What do you expect?"

I mean, seriously, what do you
expect?

Sorry, are you asking me?

You know, it's
a different country, you know?

Different ham.

Breakfast is in the post.

Oh, feel free to CGI in
something behind me.

- We'll...
- A jungle or something.

- Are we going?
- Vine-y.

So, why are you standing?

Why is Bob Servant standing?

I see myself like a horse.

I've got a few parasites on me

and there are a few people
wanting to take me for a ride,

and maybe there are a few

trying to send me to the glue
factory, but I'm still oot there,

winning the Broughty Ferry Grand
National, jumping over the fences,

- waving at the punters.
- Are you the jockey or the horse?

The horse.

How would you wave?

With a tail?

Can we not have other voices off?

So, in a nutshell, why are you
standing in the by-election?

Well, Sally, in a nutshell,

when I was a young man there was
a talent contest in Broughty Ferry.

You got the usual suspects,
you know, the jugglers, the animal noises.

But there was a little girl
who asked if she could sing.

She was a complete naebody.

She was nervous and she didn't have
what we in Broughty Ferry call star quality.

But that wee girl opened her mooth
and rainbows fell out.

She nearly took the roof
aff the town hall.

And do you know...?

Do you know who that little girl was?

It was...

- Annie Lennox.
- ...Annie Le...

What's wrong with you?

I'm-I'm sorry, Bob.

So, in a nutshell, Sally,

I want to be Annie Lennox.

So, what's Timmy Mallett like?

You know, in-in-in real life.

- Can we get going?
- Let's just get this cut and sent.

OK, folks, it's sausage time.

We really need to go.

But it's the traditional
Broughty Ferry breakfast.

- The sausage surprise.
- What's the surprise?

I think, just how many sausages
there are.

And this is in the lunchtime
bulletin?

If we can leave, yeah.

Well, Colin, it's been absolutely
terrific to meet you, all right?

All right.

On the telly, Bob.

That's the media sorted, Frank.

Even the boo boys
can't argue with TV.

Let them try.

You know, Frank, people respect TV.

I mean, I know it's all changed
with celebrity culture

and everyone wants to have their
nipples pierced and get on Crimewatch.

But there's something magical
about TV, Frank.

And you know why?

Because no-one really knows
how a TV works.

- Guilty.
- Yep.

Once you're on TV,
everybody gives you respect.

Come in.

Margo, you've got a visitor.

What the hell have you done?

Hello, Ma.

Don't you "Hello, Ma" me,
Robert Servant.

What's this politics stuff
everyone's going on about?

You'll see in a minute.

Francis, what's he done?

Mrs Servant, if I may,

our political campaign is going
as successfully as your wonderful cardigan.

Oh, Francis, always the charmer.

- How are you feeling, Ma?
- I'm awful.

Now, where's this girlfriend,
or have you scared her off already?

No, no, no, no,
she's still in favour.

And this one's a pilot?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, where is she?

Up there... somewhere.

You know, Ma, sometimes I think
she loves that plane mair than she loves me.

But she disnae.
She loves me more than the plane.

It doesn't do a couple good
to be apart

- all the time.
- We keep in touch.

She does that thing
where you write messages in the sky.

I mean, I'll be out for a walk,
she'll fly past, beep her horn and write,

"Oi, Bob, don't you go talking
to other women

"or I'll come down there,
land this plane and knock you out."

She's joking, of course.

I mean, she's no' a vigilante.

And how much did you spend
on the extension in the end?

Oh, well...

it was a calculated risk.

Oh, Robert, you rush into things,
you don't think things through.

Oh, really? Oh, really?

OK. Well, let's see what happened
when I rushed into politics, shall we?

Aye.

- That's Broughty Ferry!
- So it is!

He's handsome.

Also standing in the by-election
is local man...

- Robert!
- ...Bob Servant.

I see myself like a horse.

I wanna be Annie Lennox.

It's sausage time!

By-election candidate there...
Brian Servant.

Now the weather.

A very good afternoon to you.

Already seeing showers developing
across Scotland...

Oh, Robert...

That said, though,
there will be some decent...

- Where did you meet this pilot, Bob?
- Pilot?

Oh, Frank! We've got
bigger concerns than that.

Now, let's assess the damage.

- What can I get you, lads?
- A couple of pints, please, Stewpot.

How's the Annie Lennox thing
coming along, then?

They twisted my words.

Right... Right.

You did say,
"I want to be Annie Lennox," though?

- It was a simile.
- Oh!

OK.

- How's life as a horse?
- Simile!

It's sausage time!

These googly-eyes as well! Whoo-hoo!
And his moustache!

I know! He looks like a fat walrus.
Whoo-oo!

What a total bell-end.

- I'm under pressure, Frank.
- Terrible pressure.

I feel like that wee boy in Holland
wi' his penis in the dam.

- They've made us look stupid.
- Particularly you.

Frank, if we lose the media,

the game's over.

Those people can make or break you.

Look what they've done to asylum
seekers.

Or Cherry Coke.

Oh, it's brutal.

It's like the chip shops.

Remember, when we started
the burger vans,

and the chip shop people
spoke to their friends in the media?

And it was "health and safety" this,
"meat of unclear origin" that.

I do, yes.

And then we got the media along

and you sat down, ate our entire
stock in front of them.

Worst day of my life.

Physically, yes.

But as a business,
it set us on our way.

Couldnae feel my hands
for three days.

You see, that's what we need, Frank.
We need to strike back.

I'm no' eating that stuff again, Bob.

Forget about the telly!
I'm gonna have a press conference!

And we'll have it right here!

- Here?
- Perfect place.

It shows me as someone
who's obviously better than other people

but is happy to pretend he's no'.

Like the time the Queen
went on Total Wipeout.

- I'm still no' sure that was her,
Bob. - Stewpot!

Great news!

Not exactly a full house, Frank.

It was short notice, Bob.

But they're all A-list.

Now, you be careful, Frank.

That lot are like a pack of wolves.

If I don't win them over...

they'll listen to my phone calls,

hack into our tellies,

and take topless photos of us
while we're asleep.

Topless?! From the back?

From the front.

Service!

This evening...

I will be sleeping on my front.

No, no. Don't get up, folks.

Lovely.

Sorry, Stewpot, pal.

You're in my eye line there.

It's a bit off-putting. Could you...?

Bit more, please.

Bit more!

That's us!

Right, you lot,

open your briefcases,
take out your fountain pens,

because I'm gonna give you
an exclusive peek through the Bob curtain.

Bill Wood, Broughty Bugle.

I'm still trying to figure out

- this whole Annie Lennox situation.
- Non-story!

Fish and chip wrappers.

- Yes, I know, but...
- Look,

get one thing straight.

I don't need the media.

Traditionally,
I do my work through whispers,

but there's nae harm
in getting you lot

to send out what I would call
secondary whispers.

I mean, I know it's unfashionable
to say this,

but I actually trust you lot.

Maggie Johnston, Carnoustie Enquirer.

What particular behavioural patterns
do you feel you share with a horse?

As I was saying...

I trust you lot.

I certainly trust you a lot mair
than that telly mob.

They beg you for an interview
then shoot you in the balls.

So, let's work together here, huh?

Hmm? I'll gie you some dynamite
to sprinkle in your stories,

and tomorrow, when the readers
open their papers...

Bangity-boom-bang!

They'll be blown to smithereens.

Two more pints, please, Stewpot.

That's me about to pull the trigger
on a new bathroom.

OK...

Are you a bathroom fan?

No.

I tell you, Stewpot...

get yoursel' a good bathroom,

you're halfway there.

I use mine as a panic room.

So if the Zulus had just attacked
the compound from one side,

rather than a pincer movement,
it would have been over in minutes...

and the movie would never have been
made.

Does that answer your question?

Not in any way.

- Hey, you.
- Jimmy Walker,

Broughty Ferry Bus Fans
By-Monthly Newsletter.

Who?

What is your favourite bus route?

Number 26 to Fintry.

Best atmosphere in town!

OK, down to business.

Let's talk politics.

Um... this Annie Lennox act,

- is it a Dame Edna kind of thing?
- Listen!

I admire the woman,
she's got the lungs of a dolphin,

but I don't want to be Annie Lennox.

- That's too much pressure.
- Oh, I could handle the pressure.

- Big crowds, long tours?
- Aye, you have to remember all the words.

Look, if I wanted to be Annie Lennox,
I could be Annie Lennox! Don't write that down.

We're mocking up a photo of you
as a horse. Any particular colour?

- Black, white stripe down the nose.
- Do you know any funny bus stories?

Thousands. This is ridiculous!

I'm a serious candidate!

I mean, you wouldn't treat the
Edwards like this, would you?

Your favourite bus story, though.

1994, number 17 to Stobswell.
There was a guy on the bus

looked exactly like Nigel Mansell,

and I said, "If you were
driving the bus,

"we'd be home before we knew it."
Everybody laughed, including the driver.

Look, we're missing the point here!

You need to tell your readers that
that stuff on the telly was nonsense!

I am a serious candidate!

Well, so far in your campaign
you've announced two firm policies -

that you would shoot dogs

and that you want to be Annie Lennox.

To be blunt, that makes you sound
like a bit of a weirdo.

- A weirdo?!
- Look, I'm sorry, Mr Servant,

but you're running this shambolic
campaign with your brother...

My brother?!

And... well,
it's frankly very difficult

- to take anything you say seriously.
- Fine!

Fine. Fine, fine. Don't listen to me.

I'll take you to meet someone,

someone who'll tell you about
the real Bob Servant

- straight from the horse's mouth.
- Um...

Not a real horse.

Ma...

Ma...

Ma...

Ma-a-a...

Hello, Robert.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Do any of you lot know
Colin the cameraman?

I tell you, a hell of a guy.

Right, here we go.

Mrs Servant, what are your thoughts
on Bob standing in the by-election?

Well, it's terrible.

Terrible for the opposition.

You know, what Mum would say
if she wasn't stuffed to the gills with medication...

I'm not on any medication.

Is that I was a funny wee
caterpillar

who used to get himself into scrapes,

but he'd burrow away
and, one way or another,

that funny wee caterpillar turned
himself into a very successful swan.

Absolute nonsense!

- You're nonsense.
- Right, then.

I'll take one question
for the wee angel.

We'll go with yoursel'.

- Favourite bus route?
- 26 to Fintry.

Best atmosphere in town.

Right, folks, that's your lot.

- The wee angel must sleep.
- Oh, for Christ's sake!

Do you think your son
can win this by-election?

- Of course she does.
- No!

- What?
- Robert fills his time

with nonsense like this.

He's just... lonely.

Lonely?! Anything but.

Yes, Robert, lonely. I know
you've got Francis, your best pal...

- He's top five.
- ...but you get bored, your mind wanders,

next thing, you come up with
something like this.

So... you're saying what?

That he's a bit of a show-off?

- I beg your pardon?
- Here we go.

Your son - he's clearly
an attention-seeker.

- Don't you speak about Robert like
that! - You've poked the bear now.

Who do you think you are?

- I'm...
- Don't you dare come in here

and call Robert names.

People have been calling him names
his whole life!

He's just a bit... different.

He always has been.

He wore a nappy till he was seven.

Insurance.

And he'd cry if the girls talked to
him.

- It was a tactic.
- Oh, and the ideas,

- always the ideas.
- OK, Mum.

How he'd swim to Norway

or invent a hairbrush which
shampooed your hair at the same time.

- The foam comb.
- Only the other week,

he thought the FBI were after him.

I had a new postman.
It was very confusing.

Oh, but forget all that.

If Robert wants to have
a shot at the politics

then why shouldn't he?

It can't be any dafter
than the next thing he'd think of.

- There you go!
- And you can't stop

someone trying the politics
just cos he's got a head full of mince.

Now, that's a poster.

OK, OK, she's getting
a bit confused now.

Come on, boys, that's your lot.
One photograph.

Let's run wi'...

"Local man's mum gives him
the big thumbs up."

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Broughty Ferry

or, as I like to think of it today,

the harbour of hope.

Indeed, the port of peace.
A great philosopher once said...

Look at him Frank. Look at him.

He just thinks
he's the new Lenny Henry.

And it's children
that we're here to talk about.

Do you know what people love, Frank?

Saucy films?

Saucy films...

and...?

Rescues.

People love rescues.

Even the media
can't get enough of them.

Look at Dunkirk.

Or them miners in Chile
that got stuck in that cupboard.

Francis...

let us give them a rescue.

Adam, I look at Adam here,
and I think back

to what I was doing at Adam's age...

Sir Alex Ferguson, Bob Paisley

and a young 12-year-old body builder
from Fountainbridge

called Sean Connery.

I want these kids
to grow up in a Broughty Ferry

where they feel
they can shoot for the moon

because it's up there

where these little stars belong.

Sweet Jesus!

How the hell did he get up there?!

We've got a jumper!

Right, folks, right. We've got
a bit of a Chernobyl on our hands,

but with a wee bit of magic

I can turn this
into a good-news story.

- We'd better call the police.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'll talk him down.

He won't hear you.

Right.

Right.

Oh...

I wonder...

if this might help.

A big hello to the man on the roof!

Good afternoon, everybody.

My name is Trevor

and I am terrifically sad.

Textbook jumper talk.

We don't know that.

I feel like jumping off this castle

and smashing myself to smithereens.

Carry on, Trevor.

My name is Trevor

and I am sad

because of the whole situation.

I am the saddest man
in Broughty Ferry.

My life is like a black hole

that goes all the way down to
Australia.

Could you tell us your surname,
please, Trevor?

I don't think
Trevor knows his surname.

How would he not know his surname?

Oh, fine, fine.

Trevor!

Can you tell us your surname?

Er...

Colin.

My name is Trevor Colin.

Happy now?

Well, Trevor,
I don't know if I can help you.

I'm just an independent candidate

trying to do my best
for Broughty Ferry.

You seem to be someone
who will stand up for the little guy...

and also the big guy,

because it's ridiculous
to say that little guys

deserve all the breaks.

Spot-on! You're spot-on there,
Trevor.

Now I think it's time
we got you down.

Now, Trevor,
it's reasonably important

that you land quite close to the X.

You know, Trevor, we all get sad...

Hey! Hey! What's your game?

And do you ever
get the feeling, Trevor,

that the whole world
knows something you don't

and you're just a silly little cog
in a big machine?

I do, Mr Edwards, yes.

Ignore him, please, Trevor!

Have you ever wondered, Trevor,

if you've made the wrong decisions
in life

and that it's too late
to change them?

Um... most mornings

- and every night-time.
- Hey!

Hey, I'm talking him down.

Mm-hm. Trevor, I know what it's like

to feel like
you're not in control of your life...

but you know what, Trevor?

You're in control now.

- Look at all these people down here.
- No, Trevor!

Don't look!

Ohh!

There's thousands of you.

- Hang on, is that...?
- That's his brother.

He's not my brother!

It's his campaign manager.

It could be a lookalike.

That's a fitting end
to your... idiotic campaign.

All right, all right.

All right, folks. All right.
Let's go with, "Bob Servant in an almost-rescue."

"Bob does his best.
That's all anyone can ask."

Ooh!

"Hassle at the castle!"

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Bob!

Bob!

I've got the most awful
pins and needles.

Bob!

Hello, Colin?

It's... It's Frank,
from this morning.

No, no, no. You didn't...
You didn't leave anything.

No, no. I-I... I was...
I was just wondering, but...

Och, look, it's... it's probably daft,

but, er, the Broughty Bugle
are running a bus trip to Alton Towers

and I was, you know, I was just
wondering if you'd like to join me.

She could come too.

Well, look...

Yep, OK. Listen, not to bother.

Listen, I've...
I've got my swimming lessons anyway.

OK.

Yep. I'll see you later, pal. Bye.

Bye.

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