All language subtitles for Bob Servant Independent s01e01 Launch Day.eng

I'm not a punter. Never have been,
never will be. I look round Broughty Ferry and I see the punters,

and I think, "Well...
"Good luck to you, lads.

"But you're not my gang."
I'm not one for name-dropping,

but I look at your Obamas and your
Gandhis and your Burt Reynolds,

and I think, "That's my mob.

"That's my mob right there."

Because being a man isn't about
having a nice extension

or snazzy clothes or being able
to send a message with your eyes.

Don't get me wrong,
these things help.

But it is also important
to know your way around an anecdote

and have a decent walk.

Well, I've got those arrows
in my knapsack,

and now, with this by-election,
I've got the chance to use them.

This is my Ben Nevis,
or my Everest,

or that mountain in America

where they've carved
all the presidents' penises.

And you know what, Frank?

You know what?

It's like we're on a train.

We've got the sun on our faces
and a clear track ahead.

I'm the driver,
you're the chief engineer.

And if I may, can I ask you
to start shovelling the coal?

Yes.

What I'm saying to you, Frank, is...

And I think it's all been
relatively clear,

that it's time to start the engines.

Full steam ahead!

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Hey, Georgie!

Campaign launch day.

Pick up posters,

meet young voters,

and go on Broughty FM.

What about Edwards?
Well, he's not here for a week.

Oh, well, that's a mistake.

You should always be at
the party first.

Early if possible.

Oh, no, no, no.

Frank, not early, no.

That's a cry for help.

So...

The young voters, they're vital.

We get the message to a few of them,

they phone the Internet,

tell their pals,

and the word starts spreading.

Like, er...

Like, er... Birds?

Waves.

I tell you what,
let's give them a wee laugh.

Bring that hat.

The one you got in Magaluf.

Oh no! Well...

I'm not sure about that. Oh no, no!
They'll love it, they'll love it.

Well, come on.

Let's see the posters.

Yes, we'd better get them down
to the High Street ASAP.

Just to remind the people that I...

Sweet Jesus!

No?

Why are you doing this to me?

Well...

Well, that's...

You know, that...
That's what you said you wanted.

I wanted the posters
to send that message.

Well, you're...

You're not going to send it
much better than that. I mean...

I mean, this...

This sends it.

Exactly.

Mmmm...

Where's the taxi?

Any minute.

Did you tell them
a woman's about to have a baby?

No. Always tell them a woman's
about to have a baby.

They come straight away.

Oh, here it is!

Give me a break.

This isn't exactly Air Force One,
is it?

Er...

A woman's just had a baby.

'OK, Sadie.

'Ready for your last question?

'Yeah!' 'If I was standing
under the Arc de Triomphe...

'Where would I be?'

Tour de France. 'Paris?'

'Correct!' 'Ah, no way!'

'Correct, Sadie!'
'Thank you so much!'

'No problem at all, Sadie. Time
for a blast of something soothing,

'and then I'll be talking to a man
who wants your vote.'

Showtime.

We're ready for you now, Mr Servant.

Are you now? 'And now, the weather.'

'A cold front is moving in
from the east,

'but most of the day will be sunny
with occasional showers.

'And now back to Anders
in the Afternoon.'

How you doing, Anders?

Ladies and gentlemen,

something strange is happening
at the moment in Broughty Ferry.

Leaflets, adverts, posters...

It can only mean one thing -
yes, it's election time.

But not just any election -

it's Broughty Ferry's very own
by-election,

so over the next five weeks we'll
be meeting all the candidates

here on Anders in the Afternoon.

But first up, I'd like to introduce
someone who's...

a little bit different.
Thank you, Anders.

Because he's not a politician,

and he's not flown up from the ivory
towers of Westminster.

It is in fact local businessman,

Bob Servant.

Hello, Anders.

Big fan of the show.

Oh, buttering me up already, eh?

No, no, I'm not.

That was just a joke.

Politics is not a joking matter,
Anders.

It's people's lives.

OK. So...

When a lot of people will hear
the name Bob Servant,

they'll think of Broughty Ferry's
own Cheeseburger Wars,

which, I think it's fair to say,
Bob, you did rather well out of.

Well, you know, Anders,
what I like to say is,

don't call it the Cheeseburger Wars.

Call it the Cheeseburger Massacre.

You can't just nod, mate,
it's the radio.

OK, so, Bob...

You're asking us to vote for you
in this by-election.

Why?

I'm what is known as an
independent candidate, Anders,

which means I don't support

what are known as the traditional
political parties.

I'm familiar with the concept.

And having an independent candidate
has never been done in an election.

I'm pretty sure it has, Bob.

Well, only in films.

Er...

Broughty Ferry's been good to me,
Anders,

and it's time for me
to be good to Broughty Ferry.

Well, you're certainly
going to spice things up

in this by-election, Bob,
I am pretty certain of that.

So what say we hit the phones
and meet the voters?

Absolutely,
and don't screen the calls.

Throw me some grenades! Ha ha, OK.

Fighting talk there from
independent candidate Bob Servant.

And I'm sure you're going to be
facing tough questions today

on the budget deficit, immigration,
and, of course, the NHS.

Oh.

I thought it'd about local stuff.

Well, everything's local
in politics, isn't it?

Is it?

OK, so first up, we have
Carol from Maryfield Road. Carol.

'I'd like to know
what the candidate would do

'to help bring down
the national debt.'

Good question.

The national debt,
which was, at the last count...?

'It's over a trillion pounds,
Anders.'

Correct.

So, Mr Servant, one trillion pounds,

what are you going to do
to sort that out?

Well, I think...

we should all just tighten our belts
a little bit.

That's... your entire policy?

No, I've not finished.

I'm not one of those guys, and
there's plenty of them out there,

who are down on the binmen.

I mean, granted, they do make
a lot of noise,

but you cannae drive a lorry
and empty bins and not make noise.

I mean, it's like asking
a rock and roll drummer

to go out there, do rock and roll,
and not make a noise.

It's ridiculous. Next call.

OK, we've got Stewart
from West Ferry. Stewart?

'Hi, I called last week about the
dog mess in Dawson Park.'

Carry on, Stewart!

Poo. Dawson Park.
'Well, I live next to Dawson Park,

'and I can't even take my kids there
because of the dog mess.

'It's disgusting.' Stewart...

I'm an independent candidate,

I make independent decisions,

so here's one I think
you're going to like.

No more dogs in Dawson Park.

There you go, done.

'What, really?' Er, that would be
a council decision, surely? Oh...

Don't worry about the council,
I'm primae noctis on this one.

If I win the by-election, all dogs
will be banned from Dawson Park.

Bob, I really don't think this is...
So, Stewart,

You and the little ones can
roll around in the grass once again

without the least concern.

And, and...

If you'll have me, I'll be rolling
along right beside you.

'That's fantastic!
So that's definite?'

Signed, sealed, delivered. Ah!

Well... Eh, Frank?!

It's explosive stuff here on
Anders in the Afternoon.

Um... Next up, we've got Joan
from Barnhill. Joan.

'I don't know if this is
something your guest can help with,

'but I got a very unfair
parking ticket.'

Joan, Joan... Parking tickets isn't
the kind of thing... Whoa-oh.

Let's hear it, Joan.

'I came out of the dry cleaners
down at Brook Street.'

Oh, I know the one.

'And there was a traffic warden
at my car.'

Looking pleased with himself?

'He was looking pleased
with himself.'

Ah, surprise, surprise.

'He'd given me a ticket,
but I was only three hours over.'

Three hours?

That's nit-picking, Joan, and I
won't have it. Not on my watch.

Hang on the line, hen, my campaign
manager will be with you directly.

And we could probably throw in
a disabled parking badge as well.

There's a guy in Whitfield
has a printer...

I think at this stage I should say

that Broughty FM
takes no responsibility

for any advice given out by guests.

Next up, we've got Cathy from
Fairfield Road. Cathy.

'How on earth can you ban
dogs from Dawson Park?

'I walk mine there every day.

'I clear up after him along with
the vast majority of dog owners,

'so why the hell
should we get banned

because of the actions of others?'

Do you want to take this one?

It's all yours.

Er...

Cathy...

What would it take for you to
walk your dog somewhere else?

'Why should I?! I'd have to
drive...' A number, a number.

Cathy, Cathy, Cathy,
I'm looking for a number.

'What, you mean... money?' Yep.

'But how...?' Five grand?

'�5,000?' Five large ones.

'Well... that, er... Yes,
I could probably...' Deal!

And that would apply to every
dog walker in Dawson Park?

Absolutely, a one time payment
of �5,000. Cash.

Next!

Er, next up, we've got
Alan from Lochee. Alan.

'Hi, I just heard the woman
with the parking ticket.

'I received this speeding fine
the other day...'

Did you hit anything, Alan?

'Er... Well, not really.'

Alan...

'Yes?'

Rip it up.

'Pardon?' Rip it up!

'But... It says,
"Possible imprisonment."'

What you got? Tom from Monifieth.

'I own a dog,
I walk it in Dawson Park,

'and whether or not this moron
wins the election,

'I will be walking it in Dawson Park
in five weeks' time.'

Oh, you will, will you?!

Absolutely.

Well, you'll regret it.

Or more accurately,
your dog'll regret it.

'What do you mean?'

I'll shoot it.

'You'll shoot my dog?'

Bang, bang. OK, going to have
to stop it there, guys.

Ho ho! Thanks for all your calls
folks, time for some music.

Well done, Bob.

Cheers, Frank, cheers.

It was a team effort.

To a degree.

What a start.

So...

You don't know anything about
fraudulent disabled parking badges?

Nope.

When you said...

"There's a guy in Whitfield
with a printer"...?

Ahhh...

I was getting confused.

With what? Er...

With something I saw on Watchdog.

Nothing there. I told you.

You don't own a gun?

Course not.

So when you said you would
shoot local domestic pets...?

That was a metaphor.

A metaphor?

For what?

Life.

Mr Servant...

We don't like receiving calls

to say someone is declaring
criminal acts on local radio.

Is that clear?
Fair enough, fair enough.

Chase the real criminals
sort of thing, right, yeah.

Good, yeah, good, got that.

Yeah.

Today's a warning.

But we'll be watching your campaign
with interest.

And so will we.

OK, boys?

Break a leg.

You see what's happening, Frank?

The powers that be don't want
an independent candidate.

It upsets the apple cart. They're
just trying to Birmingham Six you.

And they couldn't even
bring themselves

to say something
about the extension.

Pathetic.

So how do you become
a campaign manager?

Well, I was 30 years in Bob's
cheeseburger vans.

I see.

Director of sauces.

Mustards...

Ketchup...

Brown.

I mean, I...

That's...

That's just how I got into it, I...

I don't know if that's
the usual route, you know?

Those toilets are tiny.

How many students
will I be talking to?

10.

Oh, depends what time the party
finished last night, eh?

Erm...

Give us the hat. Bob, I don't...
Give us the hat!

This will take the roof off.

Calm down, children!

What's this?

I tried to tell you.
I wanted young voters, Frank.

Not the fuckin' Secret Seven.

Mr Servant...

Hello, children.

Hello!

Do you like children?

Absolutely, I'm a family man.

How many kids do you have?

None.

But I like families.

Boys and girls...

Now here's what I want youse to do.

I want youse to go home tonight
and send a message to your parents.

- You all know your parents?
- Yes.

Could be orphans.
Well, they could be.

Guys, any orphans?

What's an orphan?

No-one here is an orphan.
Mr Servant, please!

All I'm saying is, tell your
parents, or your Mother Superior,

or whoever it is
that looks after you,

to vote for Bob Servant.

Mr Servant,

I was hoping you could explain to
the children about the by-election

and how you came to stand in it.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I will, I will!

I'm just warming them up.

Boys and girls...

I was standing in my extension.

I was listening to the radio.

And they said that
Broughty Ferry's MP had...

Died. No...

He wasn't dead. Oh, yes!

He was decapitated in a car crash
on the A90.

He wasn't dead.

He just...

Can't do his job any more.

Because his legs fell off.

And his head. What? Mr Servant!

What's wrong with you?!

They didn't like the leg stuff
either. Mr Servant. OK, OK.

Calm down, calm down.

I was listening to the radio,

and they said that Broughty Ferry's
MP had gone away,

and there was going to be
a by-election,

and I thought, "Well, this is a real
kick in the chestnuts

"for the poor boy's family.
I hope they bounce back ASAP."

And I thought, "Well, you know,
this might be a wee chance for me."

As you all know, I am
a bit of a face locally.

I mean, I've got a few quid,
I've got opinions,

and then the wheels,
you know, start...

Children, a by-election is...

A by-election is where
the Prime Minister

asks the people of Broughty Ferry
who their favourite person is.

Well... One man, one vote.

One PERSON.

Democracy, just like
every country in the world.

Not every country.

So, I want all of youse
to go home tonight,

to go out there and spread the word,
put the pressure on.

Tell your parents, vote Bob Servant
or you'll run away from home.

Make it personal. OK, Mr Servant,
thanks for coming in.

Right, boys and girls.

After three, "Vote for Bob Servant."

One, two, three...!

Well done, Frank, that was
a complete Hiroshima.

That was just a warm-up, Bob.

Why have we got this guy again?

Well...

I've paid him for the day.

Never, ever, pay them for the day.

They get complacent.

Same with gardeners.

Right, Frank.

It's time to show Broughty Ferry
what we're all about.

We're going to hit them
with a PR blitz.

PR? Public relations.

Everything's PR, Frank. PR.

Why do you think a bus driver
doesn't drink on the job any more?

Health and safety?

PR!

It's about creating a public image.

Burying the bad news.

When Cliff Richard poisoned
that ball boy at Wimbledon,

next day, just brought out a new pop
record and it was all forgotten.

You see?

Well, not really.

Why do celebrities adopt babies?

Or "accidentally" walk into
supermarkets without their pants on?

PR?

You got there, Frank.

Now you get the posters sorted, and
I'll go and press some punter flesh.

Hello!

Bob Servant, independent.

OK, lads.

Bob Servant, independent,
standing in the by-election.

So you're up against this guy,
then? Unbelievable.

The boy's not even here yet
and he's throwing his money about.

Got good posters, though.

Mugabe's got good posters.

Hello.

All right?

Bob Servant, independent,
standing in the by-election.

OK.

Have I got your vote?

Well...

I don't know.

I just walked all the way out here.

I've not decided yet.

What you doing?
Waiting for you to decide.

I'm trying to fish here! Fine.

Put you down as a maybe.

Hi there! Will you be voting?

All set, lads? Off to the disco?

Frank, you remember when I was a
member of Very Good Video?

Oh, like it was yesterday.

I know the rest of youse were
members of Blockbusters,

the big boys.

You used to slag me off
something rotten.

Because I'd defend Very Good Video.

I mean, I'd defend them like a...
Like a...

A lion. A lion, aye. Like a lion.

One day, I cancelled
my membership to Very Good Video,

and joined Blockbusters.
And bang!

I could see straight away that Very
Good Video were absolute shite.

Oh, terrible.

Well, it's like the public.

You know, when I was a member
of the public, I used to think,

"Well, they're not bad. You know,
they're good." I'd defend them.

But now I'm a politician,

I look at the public, and I see them
for the bunch of selfish...

Oh, hello!

Did you tell my daughter
she was an orphan?

Frank speaking.

On, no. No, I said she wasn't
an orphan.

Who said she was?

The ginger boy.

There was a ginger boy
in your class, wasn't there?

There you go.

Nasty piece of work.

Do you know where this kid lives?

Vote for Bob Servant.

That was the radio station.

They want us back in!

I'm not surprised.

They probably want me on
as a disc jockey.

You know, shoot from the hip,
that kind of thing.

I would say it's good
for a campaign.

Well, we'll see
what they're offering.

Go and get him, then!

Bring him out!

Boo boys!

Are you going to shoot my dog?

You! Round the back! Now!

Who? Who? Who?

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
before I wrap up this evening,

I think it's fair to say
that this afternoon's show

stirred up a bit of a hornet's nest

after comments from by-election
candidate Bob Servant.

But we made a quick call,
and I'm very pleased to say

that we've actually got the man
in question back in the studio.

So, um...
Bob, thanks for coming back in.

Well, as it happens,
I was just passing by.

You must have had
a bit of a strange day.

I've had stranger.
Well, I'm not sure we have,

after hundreds of complaints
and people protesting outside,

so I think I'd like to start
by clarifying an important point.

On behalf of everyone here
at Broughty FM,

we'd like to reassure the dog owners
of Broughty Ferry

that no dogs will be executed

no matter who wins the forthcoming
by-election.

Bob, I'm sure you'd like
to back me up on that.

Anders...

I just want to say

on behalf of Bob Servant independent
campaign team...

Well done.

And thank you for that.

I mean, there's no doubt in my mind
that you chose, for whatever reason,

to sensationalise the comments
I made earlier today about dogs.

And clearly, clearly...

There's been a wee bit
of Chinese whispers since then.

But would just like to say
to the people of Broughty Ferry:

People of Broughty Ferry,

If I am elected your MP,
and I suspect anyone,

anyone, of even considering
harming a dog,

then that person will be arrested
on the spot.

All right, come on, Bob,
that is rid... Furthermore,

I had a meeting
with the police earlier today

on this very subject, and we found
ourselves in broad agreement.

Broughty Ferry's dogs can sleep
soundly in their cages tonight.

Right, I'm sorry, Bob, erm...

Forgive my confusion on this matter,

but was it not actually you
who suggested...

Anders, when you're in the middle
of a political campaign,

you do what is called
testing the waters.

I mean, you come up with a policy
and you see how the public react.

I mean, look at the...

Look at the poll tax
or the Iraq War.

I mean, that's what the government
did, they tested the waters,

the public said no and the
government said,

"Fine, forget it,
we were only joking anyway."

I mean, that's politics, Anders,
that's the name of the game.

Now, whatever the game is,

I don't think you'll be getting
many votes from dog owners.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Considering...

I'm a dog owner myself.

Oh, really? What's it called?

Dancer.

Dancer? Well, um...

Maybe tomorrow you could take Dancer
out when you're campaigning

in Broughty Ferry,
that'd be a really nice touch.

Well, I wish I could, Anders.

I wish I could, but, er...

Unfortunately, er...

Dancer ran away.

Ran away? When? Yesterday.
Ah, yesterday.

Well... Why don't we see if we can't
get him back for you?

Perhaps you'd like to put out
an appeal

right now live on Broughty FM?

All right.

Er, well...

I...

Dancer...

I'd just like to say
all is forgiven.

Come home.

Daddy misses you.

And do you have a description
of Dancer?

Oh, he just loves life.

Loves it.

Barking and running about.

In fact, clearly he likes
running about a bit too much,

seeing as he's run away.

I was thinking more of a
physical description.

Aye. Well, um...

About a metre long.

Er...

Kind face.

Tail.

Any last words, Bob?

Yes.

Vote for Bob Servant,

and send a message to Westminster
to leave our dogs alone.

'Next up on Broughty FM...'

Going to the dogs.

Sorry? I should have said something
about going to the dogs.

We'll have to go back.
And how would we do that?

Well, just rewind it.

Rewind it!

Rewind it!

Aye, rewind it. Just rewind it.

Just... Just rewind, Rewind it!

Go back.

You can go back.

This is demeaning.

I'm not taking you otherwise.

They'll set the dogs on me.

Will, er... you be voting, folks?

We will now.

Great.

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