All language subtitles for the.big.bang.theory.s12e08.720p.bluray.x264-demand

Hey, you guys have any plans
for Valentine's Day?

- Three months from now? No.
- What? No?

I mean, secret romantic plans
that would be ruined if I told you.

Oh.

What's going on, Raj?

Well, how would you guys feel about
going to India for my wedding?

That's so exciting!

Penny, you will never guess
what I have planned for Valentine's Day.

Uh-huh.

Can I feed peanuts
to the elephants at your wedding?

That is such a stereotype.

There won't be any elephants?

Of course there'll be elephants.

It's a stereotype
that you feed them peanuts.

Are you really gonna plan
a wedding in three months?

Yeah, well, her family is doing
most of the work. They're amazing.

- We talk all the time.
- Why?

Because we're about to get married,
and they're gonna be my family.

Amy and I are married
and I never talk to her family.

Really? My parents love Leonard.

Yeah, and my mom loves Penny,

which is weird
because I never knew she could love.

And my dad has grown to really...

like Howard.

Yeah, there's a nice coolness
between us.

Hey, guys, before Anu gets here,
can I talk about the seating situation?

I really don't want her
to sit on the floor.

Oh, no problem. Bernadette, floor.

Hey.

Yeah, you can't make
my wife sit on the floor.

Fine. Howard, floor.

- It's fine. I'll sit on the floor.
- Thank you, Penny.

And, Leonard, I was kind of hoping
I could sit next to Anu.

So now I have to sit on the floor?

It's my house.
Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor?

That might be the dumbest thing
you've ever said.

Guys, guys. There's a simple solution.

I am not breaking up with her.

All right, let's keep thinking.

- Hey, everybody, it's Anu!
- Hey.

- Hey!
- Welcome.

Our whole universe
was in a hot dense state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago
expansion started...

Wait!

The earth began to cool

The autotrophs began to drool

Neanderthals developed tools

We built a wall
We built the pyramids

Math, science, history
Unraveling the mystery

It all started with the Big Bang!

Bang!

Oh. I am stuffed. I should not have
eaten all those dumplings.

I think we should have sex.

Me too.

Yeah, it's just we haven't done it yet,

and I think it's important to make sure
we're compatible before we get married.

I totally agree.

Well, just one question.

While we're doing it,
can I leave my shirt on?

You know, the dumplings. Pretty salty.

It doesn't have to be tonight.

How about this weekend?
I can get us a room at my hotel.

Okay, sounds nice.

We can order a bunch of room service

because I'm not eating anything
between now and then.

Aww. Are you worried?

I am not worried.

If anything, I'm overconfident,
edging into smug.

I'm sure it's gonna be fine.

Oh, it's gonna be better than fine.
Trust me. I've had no complaints.

Good to know.

I've had questions, comments,
some constructive criticism,

but no complaints.

You're up early.

Yes. I wanted to get a jump
on planning a day of fun for you.

Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?

Oh, no, just you. I have other plans.

Now, would you prefer
to see The Grinch in 2D or 3D?

I don't want to see it at all.

Well, let's go 2D.
No sense in spending extra money.

- What are you gonna be doing?
- Being a great husband.

Yeah, you're gonna need
to show your work on that.

After last night, I got to thinking

that I should have
a better relationship with your family.

I think the one you have
with them is perfect.

- I hardly have one at all.
- Which is perfect.

No, Amy, they're important to you
and you're important to me.

Therefore, according to the transitive
property, they're important to me.

It's the same reason
I'm interested in your big, flat feet.

Well, you know that my mom can be, well,
difficult to get along with.

Which is why I'm starting with your dad
and working my way up.

All right. Just worried you might
have a rather unpleasant day.

Yeah, back at you. I watched the trailer
for The Grinch. It looks terrible.

- Hi, Sheldon.
- Oh, good. You're right on time.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, pumpkin.

Pumpkin? I've been calling
her spaghetti squash.

It's amazing that one woman can be
different vegetables to different men.

Bye.

Bye.

So, how does this work with in-laws?

Am I supposed to be calling you "Dad"?
Because I don't want to.

- You don't have to.
- Oh, thanks, Larry.

Ooh! That doesn't sound right.

Maybe I should pick
a vegetable for you.

Hey, Leonard, can you pause
the game for a second?

Hang on. I'm about to beat Howard.
What? Hey!

He's our friend. What's up, pal?

I don't know
how else to say this but, um,

Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.

Yeah.

Do you know how creepy that sounds?

Yeah.

- So, is this the first time?
- Yeah.

- How are you feeling about it?
- Uh...

To be honest, I'm pretty anxious.

I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying.
What if it's no good?

Do we break up? Do we sign on
for a lifetime of mediocre sex?

Don't put so much pressure on it.

It's always a little awkward
in the beginning.

I remember the first time
I slept with Penny.

- It was bad?
- It was awesome.

I will replay it in my head
until the day I die.

Well, if it helps, I was really nervous
my first time with Bernie.

Mostly because I was worried
my mom would walk in.

- Did she?
- Yea... Yeah.

I'll tell you one thing. Lock the door.

Yeah, Raj, you're gonna be fine.

Just break out some
of your Kama Sutra moves.

I don't really know any of that stuff.
I just pretend I do to impress women.

And by the way, Anu is Indian.

She's gonna know there's no sexual
position called "the screeching lotus."

Screeching lotus?

Sometimes I get leg cramps.
It's my cover story.

Look. She's probably nervous too.

Yeah. What if you're great
and she's bad?

How can she be bad?

Raj, women can be bad at sex too.

No, that's silly.

Hey, have you checked
the dates on these? They're all expired.

You buy candy in a comic book store,
you get what you get.

It's called Lethal Weapon,
but isn't that redundant?

Aren't weapons
by their very nature lethal?

I suppose you're right.

Yeah, and don't even get me started
on Unsolved Mysteries.

I didn't get you started
on Lethal Weapon.

All right, this is another one of my
favorite places, the comic book store.

Feel free to look around.

Vintage comics in back,
vintage candy right here.

What are you guys up to?

Father-in-law, son-in-law bonding.

It's going great. Look at what
he bought me at the train store.

Sounded louder in the car.

- Cool. Can I see it?
- Sure.

Interesting. I think this is one
of those disappearing whistles.

What are you talking about?

Voilà!

Amazing! Where did it go?

Look in your pocket.

Oh, how did you do that?

Sorry.
A magician never shares his secrets.

- I'll give you 100 bucks.
- Sold.

Okay. Hey, where's my wallet?

Voilà!

Hey, Penny, I need your help.
I am freaking out.

Okay, is she there yet?

No, I got here first.
You know, get the lay of the land.

Raj, it's gonna be okay.

Look, sex isn't the most important thing
in a relationship.

My first time with Leonard
was nothing to write home about.

Really?

Yeah, but you know,
over time, it got better.

So, practice makes perfect.

Well, practice makes better.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She just texted.
She's on her way up.

Raj, calm down. You got this.

Yes, thank you, thank you. I got this.

Just remember,
the most important thing is to have fun.

Stop putting so much pressure on me!

Hi.

Everything okay?

Why are you acting so weird?

Raj, what's going on?

Be right out.
You look beautiful.

Sorry. I had to use the facilities.

With a bottle of champagne?

Hmm. I like to celebrate
the little things in life.

You need to go? There's still some left.

Raj, what is going on?

No, no, it's not what's going on.
It's what's coming off.

Stop it. You're acting weird
and it's freaking me out.

Why? Because I couldn't talk
and ran in the bathroom

to slug back a bottle of champagne
when I pretended to pee?

Okay, I think I'm gonna leave.

No, no, wait, wait. Okay, don't go.

Fine. Then tell me what's going on.

- Well, funny story...
- The truth.

Oh, God!
The truth is so not good for me.

Voilà!

Darn it!

It's okay, you'll get it.
Here, let me show you again.

It's like you're actually magic.

You can do that
but you still can't get my bra off?

The rings don't roll their eyes at me.

Excuse me. Turnip, we need to get going.

But Howard was gonna
show me some close-up magic.

If you want to see real magic,
I'll take you to Union Station.

Home to trains, subways
and buses that every half hour,

voilà, drive to the airport.

I'd like to stay, if you don't mind.

Oh, not at all. Howard, a word.

What's up?

I need you to stop being so delightful.

- What?
- I'm supposed to be bonding with him.

You have your own father-in-law.
Leave mine alone.

Tell you what. You take
my father-in-law, I'll take yours.

- I don't want your father-in-law.
- Well, what if I throw in a quarter?

Do it again, do it again!

Mrs. Fowler. Mrs. Fowler. Mrs. Fowler.

Sheldon? What's going on? Where's Larry?

Oh, Turnip's out. I'm bonding with you.

Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.

You have a drinking problem.

No, I have a talking problem
and a drinking solution.

What does that mean?

Oh, Anu, for most of my life,
I got so nervous around women

that I couldn't talk
to them without alcohol.

So you've been drunk every time
we've seen each other?

No, no.
It hasn't happened in a long time,

and I really thought I was over it.
But I guess...

I don't know. I guess I wanted
so much for tonight to go well

that I stressed myself out.
It came back.

Why didn't you tell me
about this before?

I was embarrassed.

I get that.

If it makes you feel any better,

I've got things
I'm embarrassed about too.

Really? Will you tell me one?

Okay. Um...

Ugh. I hate telling people this.

I don't like music.

What kind of music?

Just all of it.

It sort of seems like a waste of time.

Even Beyoncé?

See, this is why I don't tell people.

No. It's fine. It's just...
Have you heard "Single Ladies"?

Yeah, and I don't get it.

I mean, the lyrics are,
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."

You have to sing it in
the voice of a goddess.

Like...

My point is,
we both have our little eccentricities.

Little eccentricities?

One is a deep-seated
psychological disturbance,

and the other can be solved
by half a glass of Chardonnay.

So the doctor prescribed Nizoral,

and it blocked enzyme action
and the fungus cleared right up.

That's a very disturbing picture.

Yes, well, they say a picture's worth
1,000 words,

but I say nothing beats a picture
and 1,000 words.

Still, you might wanna
take it off Facebook.

No. It's in my nature to share.

So, your turn. Uh, other than Amy,

have you ever had anything
removed from your body?

I am not going to answer that.

Smart! Save something
for our next get-together.

Oh! We should commemorate
this one with a selfie.

Oh.

Look at us. Two peas in a pod.

Oh, speaking of vegetables...

How about I start calling you
Old Lady Green Beans?

Hey, you look deep in thought.

- Oh, I'm just reflecting.
- About what?

First time we slept together.

Oh, honey, don't beat yourself up.
It's great now.

This is not good.
Sheldon is hanging out with my mom.

Yeah, one sec.
What do you mean, don't beat myself up?

Guys, focus. My mom thinks
that Sheldon is the reason

I don't spend a lot of time with her.

Well, why would she think that?

Because I told her!
You need a cup of coffee? Wake up!

So you've been using Sheldon

as an excuse
to get out of seeing your mother?

I know. I feel terrible.

I love my mom but, you know,
sometimes she can be...

We've met her, yeah.

And it's easier to say I can't spend
time with her because of Sheldon

than to admit that I don't want to.

Totally understandable.

I'll ask again.
What do you mean, don't beat myself up?

And then you ask me 20 questions

to try to determine which
Nobel Prize-winning physicist I am.

Ready? Go.

Can I give up?

No. Nineteen questions left.

Are you gonna get that?

Oh, no. We're in the middle of a game.

Eighteen questions left.

Answer the phone, Sheldon.

Hello, Amy.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, Howard lured
your dad away with magic,

so now I'm bonding with your mom.

I think she likes me.

I'd like you a lot better if you weren't
keeping my daughter away from me.

Hang on, Amy.
What's the problem, Green Beans?

Amy said she couldn't come
to Thanksgiving dinner

because you always have to spend it
with your mother.

I haven't spent Thanksgiving
with my mother in years.

Amy, why would you tell your mother that
I spend Thanksgiving with my mother?

Uh, no time to talk about that now.

All your action figures are on fire.

Harrison Ford is in the lobby.
Come quick!

And Amy never joins us
for Sunday dinners

because you refuse
to go out on a school night.

I can go out on a school night,
as long as I'm in my PJs by ten.

Sheldon, don't listen to her.

She doesn't know what
she's talking about. She's crazy.

Hello, Amy.

Hello, Mother.

Great news.
We can come for Thanksgiving this year.

I can't believe it.

All this time I've been angry at you
when I should have been angry at Amy.

Look at that. We're both angry at Amy.

You know, maybe that's something
we could bond over.

Let me ask you this.
How do you feel about Howard?

Oh, is he that odd little friend
you have with that haircut?

I may have married the wrong Fowler.

Why would Amy feel
the need to lie to me?

Well, perhaps because you're her mother
and she didn't want to disappoint you.

Really?

Even after she threw you under the bus,
you're still gonna defend her?

Oh, yes. She's my wife and I love her.

And if I can forgive her
for putting ketchup on her eggs,

I can forgive her for this.

Her father does that. It's disgusting.

Amy's crazy. You are a delight.

- Good morning.
- Mmm. Good morning.

I ordered some coffee for us.

Oh, fantastic.

Last night was wonderful.

But all we did was talk.

Yeah, and it was wonderful.

Am I safe to assume that you talking to
me now is a good sign for our marriage?

Yeah, and for my liver.

Hey, about the other thing, um...

Should we just wait for another night?

Or I go take a shower...

and you decide how you wanna play this.

Take a shower with me, Raj!

Thank you, Amy. It's so nice of you
to have us over for dinner.

Couldn't think of
a single reason not to.

Yeah, and boy, did she try.

- Thank you, honey.
- No, you're welcome, dear.

Would anyone like to see
the magic trick Howard taught me?

I'd love to see your trick, Daddy.

A perfectly ordinary table knife.

Watch closely.

Voilà!

Oh, my gosh! That was so good!

Look, there's fake blood too!

I'll be right back.

I don't know about you
but I don't really like magic.

You just keep getting better and better.