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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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I'm so sorry, this is the story of Charlotte and Brandon,
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they love my TV show.
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Oatmeal, exercise, well, sort of.
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They both hate sleeping alone.
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Beer and hairy nipples.
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The good news is they are a perfect match.
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The bad news is, they have never met.
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And Charlotte is with Steven while Brandon is with Ashley.
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Oh, um.
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Well, I can't marry you
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because I'm marrying someone else in May.
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You don't even have a boyfriend.
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Well, actually I do.
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We've been together since high school, for 14 years.
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It's just that he's been living very far away
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and now, he's moving back so we can be together.
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14 years?
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Sounds like commitment issues.
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No, it's just that he was waiting
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until we were both ready.
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Why am I defending myself to a first grader?
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Well, when it all falls apart, you know where to find me.
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Look, Lance, we've done all the graphics
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for your packaging and prints ads at very reasonable rates.
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We've created the signature look for Be Yourself Cosmetics.
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Now, it's great that your nephew's a whiz at Photoshop
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but believe me, there's just so much...
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Screw you, Lance!
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And your oxymoronically named product
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and your muttonheaded fucktard nephew!
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Christ, are you off your meds?
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That's our biggest account!
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He's an asshole, Brandon, asshole.
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Bro, I went to RISD with Seth MacFarlane,
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I don't need that shit!
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That asshole was paying off my student loans.
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Yeah, and our bills.
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Shit!
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You think you can get him back on the phone?
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I'm still here you broke bitches.
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For you.
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Thank you.
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My pleasure.
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You're a pretty decent drawer.
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Thank you.
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You know, I've been called the Vermeer of napkin art.
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Who?
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Did I leave my amethyst necklace at your place?
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Yeah, yeah, think I saw it in the bathroom.
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Okay, remind me to get that from you.
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So, my boss gave us free tickets
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to the Charger's game Sunday.
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Wanna go?
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The 405 on a Sunday?
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Okay, I'll drive.
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Yeah, you know I'm not really into drunk crowds
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and football, or people.
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Of course.
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What's that mean?
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You know, I have dated guys with commitment issues.
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Lot's of them.
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Pretty standard stuff, but you,
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I can't even get you to commit to a football game.
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Well, I don't like football.
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It's not that, it's everything.
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You won't go to Coachella.
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You won't move in together
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because that would be moving too fast.
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You won't even book that cruise next summer
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because a lot can happen in six months!
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Those tickets are non-refundable.
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And you're a cheapskate!
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Which is why I thought you'd like the free tickets
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in the first place!
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I'm not cheap, my money's tied up.
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And I can't go to the game
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because I wanna start training for that Rwanda charity ride.
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You know, where people are dying.
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Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
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Ashley, Ashley.
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Okay, you're right.
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I'm sorry.
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Let's do it Ashley, you and me, Coachella next year.
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Ugh!
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Oh, my god.
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You have to see this house.
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It has an entertainment room that would be so perfect
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for you to have your buddies over
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so you can watch your football matches, and then...
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It's games, it's not matches.
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Uhm, anyway, there's a chef's kitchen,
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newly remodeled bathrooms,
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there's a study that would make a perfect nursery.
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I think maybe we should hold off on the house.
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Why?
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I just got here, you know, starting a new job.
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There's a lot to figure out.
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You don't have to figure us out, right?
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You do?
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Now, Charlotte, just wait a minute.
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No, no, no no, no, I am not waiting.
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I waited through college, through med school
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and through your residency.
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That was the plan.
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I know, I know, and you've been so great
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through all of that.
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Is there someone else?
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Is it that Nurse Newcombe?
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No, no way.
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Well, then what is it?
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It's just, you,
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so predictable.
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Wha, wha, wha, what the heck does that mean?
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Up every morning at 6:00 a.m., the same Honey Nut Oatmeal,
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you're off to work, back home, then in bed at 10 o'clock.
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You don't follow sports.
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Sex, missionary position with the lights off.
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There's no surprises.
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I'm bored out of my mind.
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Well, I didn't know it was so horrible for you.
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Well that explains the engagement ring,
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the promise ring and the pre-promise ring.
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14 years, Steven!
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In hindsight, I probably should have done this sooner.
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Did you bring me up here so I wouldn't make a scene?
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Because I am gonna make a scene.
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I'm gonna tell everybody in town.
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I'm gonna announce it in church...
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Charlotte,
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- would you please just... - I'm gonna put posters up...
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Hey, calm down and hydrate, please.
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Don't you tell me to hydrate, you jackass!
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Steven, are you okay?
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Fuck no!
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We find the defendant, Charlotte Wells,
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guilty of criminal assault and battery.
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If you complete community service,
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anger management classes and probation,
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the felony charge will be expunged.
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Sentence is 30 days in jail.
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Don't tell me how to live my life.
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Yes sir, motherfucker.
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Goddamn fucking shit.
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I gotta do me, fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate!
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Step off!
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Who do you think you are, Princess Elsa?
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It's not goddamn Arendelle.
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Skinny ass bitch!
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Ash?
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Ashley?
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Oh, yeah
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Give it baby
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That's what I'm talking about, baby
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Ow, ow, hot, hot, hot.
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I'm on fire.
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Oh, yeah.
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Somebody's earning their lunch money.
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Oh, yeah.
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Jesus, Brandon, what can I say?
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She's a treacherous whore, you're better off without her.
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You're gonna give yourself a heart attack.
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What've you gone,
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a mile and a half?
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Shit, you're in terrible shape.
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I bought this bike so that I could get fit
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and do the Rwanda ride.
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You ever seen me on it?
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No.
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The whore's right, Dan.
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I can't commit to anything, especially women.
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Which explains why I've had 50 girlfriends
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in the past 10 years.
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I can get 'em but I can't keep 'em.
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I want a lasting love, Dan.
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I wanna be married.
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You have had a run of lousy luck with women.
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Luck has nothing to do with it, it's me.
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It has to be me.
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I have to change, Dan.
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Come on champ, you stink, let's go get a shower.
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Welcome home, girl.
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Oh my god!
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Ow!
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- Oh, my god. - Ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow!
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I'm so sorry.
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Carly, I'm so sorry, it's my prison reflexes.
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Fuck that hurt!
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Oh my god, you are so strong.
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Is it sick that I envy you?
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You're an ass kicker now.
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You look great, you've lost weight.
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Man, I wanna go to jail.
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Oh yeah, everybody should, and it's so simple.
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All you have to do is spend half your life
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in a disastrous relationship and commit a felony.
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Okay, none of which was your fault.
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It was all my fault.
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Look, okay, I read online that the average woman
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will have four serious relationship before she gets
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married. So, at the rate you're going,
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you're not gonna get married till like you're 84.
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You need to get right back on the horse.
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How?
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I have nothing to offer.
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Men just want some spontaneous,
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unpredictable sexual deviant.
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Girl, you're giving men too much credit.
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They're simple beasts.
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All's they crave is sex, sports, beer, food
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and sometimes a little anal.
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Really?
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Really.
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Really?
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Really.
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Okay, if that's what men want,
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then that is what I'm gonna give them.
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Except that last part, not gonna happen.
219
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SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: Yeah, yeah,
220
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we've all seen the makeover sequence
221
00:10:28,591 --> 00:10:30,460
so I won't bore you with it.
222
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Kapernick, Manning, Brees, cradle the balls!
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Work the shaft!
224
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Yes!
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You are now an expert on men.
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All right, this is all the shit that he gave you
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over the last 14 years.
228
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Throw away, sell online and,
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whatever the fuck this is.
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Yeah, he got it at an Infectious Diseases Conference
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in Shanghai.
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I kinda like it.
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It's going.
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Yeah, this is disgusting.
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Hmm.
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Wow, so you're a graphic designer,
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you must be really artistic.
238
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Well, I have been called the Vermeer of napkin art.
239
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Wait, what are you watching?
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Oh, it's this, this silly show
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about this Swiss police woman who is...
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Schweizer Polizei Frau?
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You know it?
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Ja!
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I binge-watched all seven seasons in like six days.
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Yeah, I'm on season four.
247
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Oh, there's great ones coming up.
248
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We talked last night for four hours.
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I think he's a really nice guy.
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Oh.
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Do you think I should tell him about Steven?
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If you never wanna hear from him again.
253
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Dating one guy your whole life might come off a little...
254
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- Sad? - Freakish.
255
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Like you were raised on a polygamist compound.
256
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Don't show him the woman you were,
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show him the woman you're going to be.
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You mean lie?
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Hell yes, lie.
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Don't tell her you have 56K in student loans.
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Tell her you have a 10 inch schlong
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and you're the heir to Walmart fortune.
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It's the internet.
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If you're not lying, your not trying.
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Hey, hey!
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My last boyfriend? Uh...
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Let's see, I was with him for 14 months.
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Wow, so brief.
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Well, how long do your relationships only last for?
270
00:14:43,017 --> 00:14:46,051
Uh, you know, two,
271
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,052
three years.
272
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,487
So, you haven't been with that many women.
273
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,389
A handful.
274
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:55,393
You know, for me, it's more about quality than quantity.
275
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,895
My biggest fault?
276
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:59,430
Sometimes, I give too much, you know,
277
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,033
whether it's work or relationships.
278
00:15:01,035 --> 00:15:04,837
I'm all in, kind of a warp speed ahead kinda guy.
279
00:15:04,839 --> 00:15:07,573
And sometimes, I'm so spontaneous and unpredictable
280
00:15:07,575 --> 00:15:09,041
that people find it exhausting.
281
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:10,778
But I'm working on that.
282
00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:12,978
I mean maybe 'cause I'm country
283
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,081
but there's nothing like a cold brewski, right?
284
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,515
Hell yeah.
285
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,918
Steelers baby!
286
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,719
Big Ben is my boy.
287
00:15:20,721 --> 00:15:24,058
The San Diego Super Chargers!
288
00:15:25,027 --> 00:15:26,860
Well, you're looking at the two-time
289
00:15:26,862 --> 00:15:29,497
salsa dancing champion of West Virginia.
290
00:15:32,034 --> 00:15:34,667
Look, I'm not saying I'm Lance Armstrong or anything,
291
00:15:34,669 --> 00:15:36,502
I'm kinda on the level just below him,
292
00:15:36,504 --> 00:15:38,571
but cycling is my passion.
293
00:15:38,573 --> 00:15:40,706
God, you're food looks amazing,
294
00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:42,474
where did you learn to cook?
295
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:43,342
Oh please, look at you,
296
00:15:43,344 --> 00:15:44,846
making your own pasta from scratch?
297
00:15:46,781 --> 00:15:48,113
You have beautiful eyes.
298
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,519
You have a very sexy smile.
299
00:15:51,186 --> 00:15:52,451
Salut.
300
00:15:52,453 --> 00:15:53,655
Saluts.
301
00:15:54,056 --> 00:15:55,589
Oh, oh, god!
302
00:15:55,591 --> 00:15:57,190
Hey.
303
00:15:57,192 --> 00:15:57,858
Ah, no, no!
304
00:15:57,860 --> 00:15:58,959
No, it's not what you think.
305
00:15:58,961 --> 00:16:03,129
I just, I didn't have time to get dressed before...
306
00:16:03,131 --> 00:16:03,497
Me too.
307
00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:08,567
I want you.
308
00:16:08,569 --> 00:16:09,802
Come to LA.
309
00:16:09,804 --> 00:16:11,503
I'll pay for the ticket.
310
00:16:11,505 --> 00:16:14,141
Look, I want to so bad, but I looked into tickets,
311
00:16:14,143 --> 00:16:16,476
they are $700.
312
00:16:16,478 --> 00:16:17,811
Or we could split it,
313
00:16:17,813 --> 00:16:20,214
if it feels like I coming on too strong.
314
00:16:20,216 --> 00:16:24,019
This is gonna be so amazing!
315
00:16:24,219 --> 00:16:26,186
Oh my god, I can't believe I'm here.
316
00:16:26,188 --> 00:16:27,888
I can't believe you're here.
317
00:16:27,890 --> 00:16:30,223
Oh, I love your car.
318
00:16:30,225 --> 00:16:31,191
Thanks.
319
00:16:40,970 --> 00:16:44,005
So that's the Getty Villa, right there.
320
00:16:44,007 --> 00:16:45,772
J. Paul Getty was the world's richest man
321
00:16:45,774 --> 00:16:49,210
but he had a pay phone for all his house guests.
322
00:16:49,212 --> 00:16:51,678
Oh god, what a cheapskate.
323
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,047
I hate that!
324
00:16:54,049 --> 00:16:56,183
Yeah.
325
00:16:56,185 --> 00:16:58,086
Me too.
326
00:16:59,154 --> 00:17:00,521
Hey, isn't that, that restaurant
327
00:17:00,523 --> 00:17:02,125
where all the celebrities hang out?
328
00:17:02,558 --> 00:17:03,457
Yeah.
329
00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:04,725
Have you ever been there?
330
00:17:04,727 --> 00:17:05,660
Sure.
331
00:17:05,662 --> 00:17:07,130
Oh, I bet it's amazing.
332
00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:39,026
It's gettin' kinda chilly, huh.
333
00:17:39,028 --> 00:17:40,262
- Yeah. - Wanna head back?
334
00:17:40,264 --> 00:17:42,031
Sure.
335
00:17:42,231 --> 00:17:45,168
Or, we could jump in the water.
336
00:17:47,804 --> 00:17:48,770
Yeah, right.
337
00:17:48,772 --> 00:17:49,905
No, I'm serious.
338
00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:52,007
Come on, Charlotte, you just ate five course meal,
339
00:17:52,009 --> 00:17:52,908
you're not going for a swim.
340
00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:53,842
No, come on, let's do it.
341
00:17:53,844 --> 00:17:55,177
I've never even been in the ocean before
342
00:17:55,179 --> 00:17:56,712
and it would just be like absolutely...
343
00:17:56,714 --> 00:17:58,113
Hey, hey, listen to me.
344
00:17:58,115 --> 00:18:00,082
We're not jumping off the pier.
345
00:18:01,318 --> 00:18:02,485
Oh, my god.
346
00:18:03,153 --> 00:18:06,221
Okay, you are completely insane!
347
00:18:06,223 --> 00:18:07,055
Really?
348
00:18:07,057 --> 00:18:08,156
Yes, you're crazy.
349
00:18:08,158 --> 00:18:10,994
And you are the most exciting guy I've ever met.
350
00:18:11,594 --> 00:18:12,127
Really?
351
00:18:12,129 --> 00:18:12,796
Yeah.
352
00:18:36,788 --> 00:18:38,622
All right, Carly, let's see what you got me.
353
00:18:39,824 --> 00:18:40,890
How does...
354
00:18:40,892 --> 00:18:43,159
I don't even...
355
00:18:43,161 --> 00:18:44,728
I'm not using that.
356
00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:53,937
I've seen thicker dental floss.
357
00:19:02,147 --> 00:19:04,247
You are one sexy bitch, Charlotte.
358
00:19:04,249 --> 00:19:06,649
And you've had sex with a thousand men.
359
00:19:06,651 --> 00:19:07,383
With a hundred men.
360
00:19:07,385 --> 00:19:09,988
23, eight, eight.
361
00:19:18,096 --> 00:19:22,233
You're gonna go in there and be just a super sexy lady.
362
00:19:24,235 --> 00:19:26,038
God, I look like my mom with these things.
363
00:20:08,913 --> 00:20:09,612
Ow!
364
00:20:09,614 --> 00:20:11,080
Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
365
00:20:11,082 --> 00:20:12,081
So you like it rough?
366
00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,351
Huh, oh no, I was just...
367
00:20:13,353 --> 00:20:15,185
'Cause I can be really rough.
368
00:20:15,187 --> 00:20:18,389
Oh yeah, no, I'm rough, I'm like super rough.
369
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:19,890
Like this kinda rough?
370
00:20:19,892 --> 00:20:20,824
Ah!
371
00:20:20,826 --> 00:20:21,892
Oh!
372
00:20:21,894 --> 00:20:25,229
Goin' for the sexy proctologist, yeah, no I dig that.
373
00:20:25,231 --> 00:20:26,096
Yeah?
374
00:20:26,098 --> 00:20:27,231
Is that all you got?
375
00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:29,066
You're in luck 'cause his two friends
376
00:20:29,068 --> 00:20:30,968
just decided to join the party.
377
00:20:38,744 --> 00:20:40,813
What're you thinking?
378
00:20:42,215 --> 00:20:44,151
I was just thinking, uhm
379
00:20:45,718 --> 00:20:48,852
I was just wondering,
380
00:20:48,854 --> 00:20:52,091
if it's too soon to tell him that um,
381
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,395
he's just the kind of man I've always wanted to be with.
382
00:20:56,896 --> 00:21:00,030
Confident and uhm,
383
00:21:00,032 --> 00:21:02,267
unhesitating,
384
00:21:02,269 --> 00:21:03,703
sure of what he wants.
385
00:21:05,038 --> 00:21:06,404
Extremely handsome.
386
00:21:06,406 --> 00:21:08,506
Well.
387
00:21:08,508 --> 00:21:10,744
And um,
388
00:21:12,445 --> 00:21:14,713
it's gonna break my heart to get back on that plane.
389
00:21:18,351 --> 00:21:20,151
Well, that's funny actually,
390
00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:25,324
because I was thinking that she is
391
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:28,927
the most exciting
392
00:21:28,929 --> 00:21:32,830
and spontaneous person
393
00:21:32,832 --> 00:21:35,800
I've met in my entire life.
394
00:21:35,802 --> 00:21:39,139
Not to mention gorgeous, bombshell, knockout
395
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,407
and blonde too, the most blonde person.
396
00:21:46,112 --> 00:21:47,245
And I was actually wondering
397
00:21:47,247 --> 00:21:49,083
if it's too soon to give her this.
398
00:21:53,054 --> 00:21:55,056
And to tell her that I love her.
399
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:26,218
I know this is moving insanely fast
400
00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:29,021
but she's not like the women here.
401
00:22:29,023 --> 00:22:30,556
Is that a heel mark?
402
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:32,891
She's sexy and smart
403
00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:34,426
and we just have this, this connection!
404
00:22:34,428 --> 00:22:36,529
What did you get on my upholstery?
405
00:22:36,531 --> 00:22:38,164
Oh, that's just saltwater.
406
00:22:38,166 --> 00:22:39,932
Is that what the kids are calling it?
407
00:22:39,934 --> 00:22:41,867
You desecrated the Stang!
408
00:22:41,869 --> 00:22:43,203
Dude, I'll get it washed and waxed.
409
00:22:43,205 --> 00:22:45,205
Are you listening to what I'm saying, I'm in love.
410
00:22:45,207 --> 00:22:47,006
I can clearly see that you're excited
411
00:22:47,008 --> 00:22:49,174
and I'm very happy for you, really I am.
412
00:22:49,176 --> 00:22:50,211
Okay yes.
413
00:22:55,950 --> 00:22:57,850
You might wanna keep this for your scrap book.
414
00:22:57,852 --> 00:22:58,486
Oh, yes.
415
00:23:00,355 --> 00:23:01,521
That's her neck.
416
00:23:01,523 --> 00:23:02,389
Just smell that.
417
00:23:02,391 --> 00:23:03,423
- No. - Just smell.
418
00:23:03,425 --> 00:23:04,457
- It's just a neck. - It's not..
419
00:23:04,459 --> 00:23:06,259
- It's a neutral zone. - This is not appropriate.
420
00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:08,194
Oh god, that's good.
421
00:23:08,196 --> 00:23:12,098
And, did you do the things that we talked about?
422
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:13,967
We did things no one talks about.
423
00:23:13,969 --> 00:23:16,902
Ooh, and how did that go?
424
00:23:16,904 --> 00:23:18,238
He gave me this.
425
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,072
Oh, my god.
426
00:23:19,074 --> 00:23:21,207
And he told me that he loves me.
427
00:23:21,209 --> 00:23:23,108
Oh, my god!
428
00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:24,478
I know, and I told him I love him too
429
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,213
which I know seems like crazy and rushed
430
00:23:27,215 --> 00:23:30,050
but it was just so magical.
431
00:23:30,052 --> 00:23:31,920
That no good mother.
432
00:23:44,666 --> 00:23:46,232
You know, good for him.
433
00:23:46,234 --> 00:23:48,269
Good for him, he deserves to be happy.
434
00:23:48,271 --> 00:23:50,004
Char...
435
00:23:50,006 --> 00:23:52,139
I know what you're gonna say and I'm gonna be fine
436
00:23:52,141 --> 00:23:55,176
because I'm happy and he's happy.
437
00:23:55,178 --> 00:23:57,078
- Charlotte! - And everybody's happy.
438
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:57,911
Charlotte!
439
00:23:57,913 --> 00:23:58,945
It's gonna be,
440
00:23:58,947 --> 00:23:59,615
oh my god!
441
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:11,427
Asshole!
442
00:24:13,096 --> 00:24:16,230
No, you cannot cause an avalanche just by yodeling.
443
00:24:16,232 --> 00:24:19,300
No, I am telling you, it is completely possible.
444
00:24:19,302 --> 00:24:20,568
You can't.
445
00:24:20,570 --> 00:24:22,269
And even if you could,
446
00:24:22,271 --> 00:24:24,638
you can't make it fall right on a fleeing bank robber.
447
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,041
Schweizer Polizei Frau can.
448
00:24:27,043 --> 00:24:28,077
Yeah well.
449
00:24:29,345 --> 00:24:33,381
Hey, I made something at work today, you mind taking a look?
450
00:24:33,383 --> 00:24:34,517
Yeah, sure.
451
00:24:40,657 --> 00:24:42,357
Hey, is that me?
452
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:43,460
Lookin' good.
453
00:24:51,067 --> 00:24:53,403
Oh, thank you, it's beautiful.
454
00:25:05,382 --> 00:25:09,253
It would be the most unpredictable thing ever.
455
00:25:11,255 --> 00:25:14,458
It would be the ultimate commitment.
456
00:25:24,234 --> 00:25:25,202
Geronimo!
457
00:25:36,513 --> 00:25:37,612
We want a divorce.
458
00:25:37,614 --> 00:25:39,114
Between the two of ya?
459
00:25:39,116 --> 00:25:40,081
Yep.
460
00:25:40,083 --> 00:25:41,316
Well, I'll be, usually,
461
00:25:41,318 --> 00:25:44,085
I represent only one party's interests.
462
00:25:44,087 --> 00:25:45,020
We have the same interest.
463
00:25:45,022 --> 00:25:46,221
An immediate divorce.
464
00:25:46,223 --> 00:25:48,324
Well then, I reckon we oughta discuss
465
00:25:48,326 --> 00:25:50,126
dividin' property, assets...
466
00:25:50,128 --> 00:25:51,294
We don't have any.
467
00:25:51,296 --> 00:25:54,029
How long you two been hitched?
468
00:25:54,031 --> 00:25:55,398
BRANDON AND CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
469
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,267
10 days?
470
00:26:06,109 --> 00:26:07,108
Oh!
471
00:26:07,110 --> 00:26:08,276
Thank you so much, Carly.
472
00:26:08,278 --> 00:26:10,615
Thanks, Carly, it's awesome!
473
00:26:11,549 --> 00:26:13,249
Oh, and that is from us.
474
00:26:13,251 --> 00:26:14,350
Oh.
475
00:26:14,352 --> 00:26:15,220
Thank you.
476
00:26:23,228 --> 00:26:26,762
Aw, thank you very much, that's so sweet, Jerry and Judy.
477
00:26:26,764 --> 00:26:29,265
Thanks, Mom, thanks, Dad, that's uh.
478
00:26:29,267 --> 00:26:31,501
No, the people of Tibet thank you.
479
00:26:31,503 --> 00:26:35,505
It's such a noble gesture in your name.
480
00:26:35,507 --> 00:26:37,307
Though it has none of the bourgeoisie cache
481
00:26:37,309 --> 00:26:39,545
of a shiny kitchen appliance.
482
00:26:41,347 --> 00:26:43,580
Anyway, speaking of exotic places,
483
00:26:43,582 --> 00:26:45,147
have you guys finally decided
484
00:26:45,149 --> 00:26:46,082
where you're gonna take your honeymoon?
485
00:26:46,084 --> 00:26:48,417
Not yet, I'm start teaching really soon
486
00:26:48,419 --> 00:26:51,855
and we have to find a bigger apartment or maybe a house.
487
00:26:51,857 --> 00:26:53,589
Oh.
488
00:26:53,591 --> 00:26:55,591
So we have to put that on hold.
489
00:26:55,593 --> 00:26:58,160
No, no, no, you must do something special, Brandon.
490
00:26:58,162 --> 00:26:59,795
Sri Lanka is lovely.
491
00:26:59,797 --> 00:27:02,199
As far as exploited, underdeveloped
492
00:27:02,201 --> 00:27:03,400
island nations go.
493
00:27:03,402 --> 00:27:06,537
It's really the sad teardrop of the Indian subcontinent.
494
00:27:06,539 --> 00:27:08,238
But the beaches are beautiful.
495
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:09,740
Well, that sounds fun, right, honey?
496
00:27:09,742 --> 00:27:13,310
Oh yeah, it's just a shame about all the tsunamis.
497
00:27:13,312 --> 00:27:14,745
I'll tell you what though, for special,
498
00:27:14,747 --> 00:27:16,380
there's some really great spots
499
00:27:16,382 --> 00:27:18,247
right within driving distance.
500
00:27:18,249 --> 00:27:21,420
I mean, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Pismo.
501
00:27:23,254 --> 00:27:24,121
Oh, what about you?
502
00:27:24,123 --> 00:27:25,723
Where'd you two go on your honeymoon?
503
00:27:25,725 --> 00:27:26,824
Jail.
504
00:27:31,297 --> 00:27:32,529
He's not kidding.
505
00:27:32,531 --> 00:27:34,131
After we exchanged our vows,
506
00:27:34,133 --> 00:27:36,199
we went off to a No Nukes rally,
507
00:27:36,201 --> 00:27:38,870
she acted up and the po-po picked us up
508
00:27:38,872 --> 00:27:40,270
and threw us both in the slammer.
509
00:27:40,272 --> 00:27:42,806
So you spent your whole honeymoon in jail?
510
00:27:42,808 --> 00:27:43,975
We had only known each other 10 days
511
00:27:43,977 --> 00:27:48,279
so every minute we spent together was like a honeymoon.
512
00:27:48,281 --> 00:27:52,149
And we actually managed to slip a little connubial bliss in
513
00:27:52,151 --> 00:27:54,254
right under the man's nose.
514
00:27:56,690 --> 00:27:58,790
So we were in adjacent cells, right,
515
00:27:58,792 --> 00:28:01,492
and right after all of the other inmates went to sleep,
516
00:28:01,494 --> 00:28:04,361
my beautiful bride, she backed her tight little rump
517
00:28:04,363 --> 00:28:06,363
right up against the bars,
518
00:28:06,365 --> 00:28:11,368
I dropped trou and we made the sweetest, sweetest love.
519
00:28:11,370 --> 00:28:14,240
Oh, oh, Christ, I need a drink!
520
00:28:18,378 --> 00:28:20,645
Being an only child and losing both my parents,
521
00:28:20,647 --> 00:28:23,781
I definitely want a big family, like three or four kids.
522
00:28:23,783 --> 00:28:25,950
You know, they say, it costs over a quarter million
523
00:28:25,952 --> 00:28:29,253
to raise a child and that's before college.
524
00:28:29,255 --> 00:28:32,256
You can't put a price tag on happiness.
525
00:28:32,258 --> 00:28:36,227
True but I was an only child and I have to say,
526
00:28:36,229 --> 00:28:36,962
I was very happy.
527
00:28:36,964 --> 00:28:38,931
Oh come on, Brandon.
528
00:28:38,933 --> 00:28:40,766
You use to always want a younger brother.
529
00:28:40,768 --> 00:28:43,869
And a matter of fact, Brandon was an accident.
530
00:28:43,871 --> 00:28:45,571
We thought long and hard
531
00:28:45,573 --> 00:28:47,572
about whether or not we should keep him.
532
00:28:47,574 --> 00:28:49,440
You were gonna put him up for adoption?
533
00:28:49,442 --> 00:28:51,844
Oh god no, I wouldn't have the heart for that.
534
00:28:51,846 --> 00:28:54,545
We were gonna abort him.
535
00:28:54,547 --> 00:28:55,415
Jesus.
536
00:28:56,516 --> 00:28:58,216
But we were in Burma,
537
00:28:58,218 --> 00:29:00,552
we couldn't find anyone to perform the procedure.
538
00:29:00,554 --> 00:29:01,522
Thank god.
539
00:29:02,657 --> 00:29:04,890
I think we made the right decision.
540
00:29:04,892 --> 00:29:05,826
I do too.
541
00:29:07,261 --> 00:29:08,460
Most of the time.
542
00:29:08,462 --> 00:29:10,829
Oh, Jerry.
543
00:29:10,831 --> 00:29:11,997
Hey, you know, we better get going,
544
00:29:11,999 --> 00:29:15,334
we got a flight to catch, we gotta get to Buenos Aries.
545
00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:17,569
Oh, leaving so soon?
546
00:29:17,571 --> 00:29:18,837
We're gonna the Antarctica,
547
00:29:18,839 --> 00:29:21,372
we're gonna scuttle some Japanese whale killers.
548
00:29:21,374 --> 00:29:22,273
If it were up to me,
549
00:29:22,275 --> 00:29:24,811
I'd have those boats sunk in the ocean
550
00:29:24,813 --> 00:29:28,347
and have any remaining survivors fed to the sharks.
551
00:29:28,349 --> 00:29:30,315
I hear you, I respect your feelings.
552
00:29:30,317 --> 00:29:33,385
Now, get you things we gotta go, we gonna be late.
553
00:29:33,387 --> 00:29:36,022
Charlotte, it's been so lovely meeting you.
554
00:29:36,024 --> 00:29:37,023
Likewise.
555
00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:38,624
Carly, till next time.
556
00:29:38,626 --> 00:29:40,492
Okay, let's go.
557
00:29:40,494 --> 00:29:45,199
She gets so blood thirsty when it comes to the Japanese.
558
00:29:47,334 --> 00:29:49,002
Those are some weird fucking people.
559
00:29:49,004 --> 00:29:52,307
Okay, I don't know, they're unique.
560
00:29:53,909 --> 00:29:56,042
It's kinda refreshing.
561
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:57,376
You need to be thankful
562
00:29:57,378 --> 00:29:58,712
that their DNA skipped a generation.
563
00:30:00,649 --> 00:30:03,449
But isn't, Brandon's pretty amazing, right?
564
00:30:03,451 --> 00:30:05,617
You did good, girl.
565
00:30:05,619 --> 00:30:08,320
And he can't freak if he finds out that you're a jail bird.
566
00:30:08,322 --> 00:30:09,455
'Cause with parents like that,
567
00:30:09,457 --> 00:30:11,057
he was probably conceived in the joint.
568
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,326
Why would you tell Charlotte the Stang is yours?
569
00:30:13,328 --> 00:30:14,694
You're the one who told me to lie.
570
00:30:14,696 --> 00:30:16,696
When you're trying to lure her to the honey pot!
571
00:30:16,698 --> 00:30:18,531
You can't keep it going now that you're married.
572
00:30:18,533 --> 00:30:19,766
It's insane.
573
00:30:19,768 --> 00:30:21,068
Just let me break it to her slowly, okay?
574
00:30:21,070 --> 00:30:23,837
Can you go along with it for a couple weeks?
575
00:30:23,839 --> 00:30:24,971
Come on man, you have another car.
576
00:30:24,973 --> 00:30:25,972
Please, I'll owe you.
577
00:30:25,974 --> 00:30:26,906
With what?
578
00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:28,308
You don't have any money.
579
00:30:28,310 --> 00:30:29,509
Which you also told me not to tell her about.
580
00:30:29,511 --> 00:30:32,479
And now she's talking about honeymoons and houses and kids.
581
00:30:32,481 --> 00:30:34,848
Well, you screwed up, man, you took my advice.
582
00:30:34,850 --> 00:30:37,518
Okay, okay, okay okay, you can take the Stang
583
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:39,486
for a couple more weeks but, but
584
00:30:39,488 --> 00:30:41,589
if I see you drive it more than twice,
585
00:30:41,591 --> 00:30:43,590
I will bring down your house of cards.
586
00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:44,591
Understood, thanks.
587
00:30:44,593 --> 00:30:46,093
I'll see you at dinner.
588
00:30:46,095 --> 00:30:48,996
No, this is yours now, you have to take care of it!
589
00:30:48,998 --> 00:30:49,832
Oh!
590
00:30:51,067 --> 00:30:53,067
Our first dinner party as a married couple.
591
00:30:53,069 --> 00:30:53,901
Yeah.
592
00:30:53,903 --> 00:30:55,936
What are you making?
593
00:30:55,938 --> 00:31:00,877
Well, I thought maybe you could make your homemade pasta.
594
00:31:05,715 --> 00:31:08,048
I remember on our honeymoon, we went to a movie in Maui
595
00:31:08,050 --> 00:31:10,384
and Dan was playing with his wedding ring,
596
00:31:10,386 --> 00:31:12,553
it fell off and rolled down the floor.
597
00:31:12,555 --> 00:31:13,788
Ting, ting, ting, ting.
598
00:31:13,790 --> 00:31:15,388
We had to wait till the movie was over
599
00:31:15,390 --> 00:31:16,690
and then search through all this popcorn
600
00:31:16,692 --> 00:31:19,359
and crud and found it in a puddle of Pepsi.
601
00:31:19,361 --> 00:31:20,828
She was really mad.
602
00:31:20,830 --> 00:31:22,495
And then the next week, he does it again!
603
00:31:22,497 --> 00:31:25,399
And she punched me right in the dick.
604
00:31:27,137 --> 00:31:30,071
You're lucky I didn't divorce you.
605
00:31:30,073 --> 00:31:32,606
It turned out he done it intentionally.
606
00:31:32,608 --> 00:31:34,542
Well yeah, so I had tied it to a string
607
00:31:34,544 --> 00:31:37,045
and I was pulling it along and she kept going after it.
608
00:31:37,047 --> 00:31:38,512
That was really.
609
00:31:41,083 --> 00:31:42,850
Oh god, weren't you furious?
610
00:31:42,852 --> 00:31:43,686
Yes.
611
00:31:44,921 --> 00:31:47,621
But then I realized that this is who Dan is
612
00:31:47,623 --> 00:31:49,558
and that's why I love him.
613
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:50,926
That's why she loves me.
614
00:31:50,928 --> 00:31:52,160
He's a lovable jackass.
615
00:31:52,162 --> 00:31:54,095
My ass is very jacked.
616
00:31:55,899 --> 00:31:56,700
Moving on!
617
00:31:58,035 --> 00:32:00,869
Brandon, what is your biggest regret?
618
00:32:00,871 --> 00:32:03,104
My choice of best friends.
619
00:32:03,106 --> 00:32:04,072
I was just being honest.
620
00:32:04,074 --> 00:32:06,342
I'm just being honest.
621
00:32:07,878 --> 00:32:10,544
I guess maybe not visiting my grandpa enough
622
00:32:10,546 --> 00:32:11,815
before he died.
623
00:32:12,951 --> 00:32:14,050
He was living in this nursing home
624
00:32:14,052 --> 00:32:17,186
like a mile from our house and,
625
00:32:17,188 --> 00:32:18,620
I don't know, I guess I was too busy
626
00:32:18,622 --> 00:32:20,824
being a teenager or something.
627
00:32:23,460 --> 00:32:26,661
Anyway, I hope he forgave me.
628
00:32:26,663 --> 00:32:28,063
Of course he did.
629
00:32:28,065 --> 00:32:29,933
He knew you loved him.
630
00:32:45,183 --> 00:32:48,617
Okay, I gonna say what we're all thinking.
631
00:32:48,619 --> 00:32:49,453
Four-way.
632
00:32:50,554 --> 00:32:51,388
Hey!
633
00:33:02,166 --> 00:33:05,167
Hey, how come you never wear that necklace I gave you?
634
00:33:05,169 --> 00:33:06,969
Don't you like it?
635
00:33:06,971 --> 00:33:07,904
I love it.
636
00:33:07,906 --> 00:33:09,674
I absolutely love it.
637
00:33:10,508 --> 00:33:12,241
And you know what else I love?
638
00:33:12,243 --> 00:33:14,110
That pretty little ass of yours.
639
00:33:17,048 --> 00:33:19,784
You remember the three amigos?
640
00:33:24,589 --> 00:33:25,456
Arriba!
641
00:33:26,225 --> 00:33:27,558
Whoo!
642
00:33:38,102 --> 00:33:41,037
Schweitzer Polizei Frau.
643
00:33:47,512 --> 00:33:49,079
What are you working on?
644
00:33:49,081 --> 00:33:50,948
Welfare application.
645
00:33:50,950 --> 00:33:52,549
You?
646
00:33:52,551 --> 00:33:54,117
Suicide note.
647
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,187
Touche.
648
00:33:56,722 --> 00:33:58,288
You know, screw it!
649
00:33:58,290 --> 00:34:01,224
I guess I'm gonna call that slimy prick Matthew
650
00:34:01,226 --> 00:34:02,826
and see if he'll throw us a bone.
651
00:34:02,828 --> 00:34:05,197
Oh man, that's gonna suck.
652
00:34:06,564 --> 00:34:08,098
You just know he's gonna make you feel like a pathetic,
653
00:34:08,100 --> 00:34:10,599
shit-eating failure.
654
00:34:10,601 --> 00:34:12,138
I'll call for you.
655
00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:15,605
I'm just so glad I found it.
656
00:34:15,607 --> 00:34:17,107
I had to go to 10 different stores to find it,
657
00:34:17,109 --> 00:34:18,944
and it cost $1,200.
658
00:34:19,778 --> 00:34:21,144
Oh, at that price,
659
00:34:21,146 --> 00:34:22,279
I think I would have just come clean.
660
00:34:22,281 --> 00:34:27,084
Yeah, I wanted to but he spent so much money on it,
661
00:34:27,086 --> 00:34:30,687
and, I don't know, he picked it out himself
662
00:34:30,689 --> 00:34:33,192
which I think is very sweet, so.
663
00:34:35,594 --> 00:34:37,195
So, you must be looking forward
664
00:34:37,197 --> 00:34:38,930
to getting back to work, huh?
665
00:34:38,932 --> 00:34:42,333
Yes, I'm so excited to be back in the classroom with kids.
666
00:34:42,335 --> 00:34:44,202
It's gonna be nice to have income coming in, too.
667
00:34:44,204 --> 00:34:46,204
Speaking of which, I was thinking
668
00:34:46,206 --> 00:34:47,938
that we could start planning our honeymoon.
669
00:34:47,940 --> 00:34:50,741
You know, maybe go on my spring break.
670
00:34:50,743 --> 00:34:53,078
What do you think about Aruba?
671
00:34:54,780 --> 00:34:56,680
Yeah, that's fine.
672
00:34:56,682 --> 00:35:00,251
But what about Catalina Island, huh?
673
00:35:00,253 --> 00:35:04,288
It's 26 miles across the sea, it is beautiful.
674
00:35:04,290 --> 00:35:08,359
It's, uh, I mean, it's where Natalie Wood drowned.
675
00:35:08,361 --> 00:35:10,161
Sounds romantic.
676
00:35:10,163 --> 00:35:11,729
Hey, you know what?
677
00:35:11,731 --> 00:35:13,731
I think we have to have a couple drinks tonight.
678
00:35:13,733 --> 00:35:14,598
- Yeah? - To celebrate
679
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:15,800
your last couple of days of leisure.
680
00:35:15,802 --> 00:35:16,768
What do you say?
681
00:35:16,770 --> 00:35:17,601
I like that.
682
00:35:17,603 --> 00:35:18,936
Let me do that.
683
00:35:18,938 --> 00:35:21,105
All right, get out there, make me proud,
684
00:35:21,107 --> 00:35:23,576
show me some of those tricks.
685
00:35:33,387 --> 00:35:35,220
Achtung, ladies and gentlemen,
686
00:35:35,222 --> 00:35:39,891
he's about to shame, bruise and soil himself.
687
00:35:43,863 --> 00:35:44,731
Fuck!
688
00:35:55,876 --> 00:35:58,977
Oh my god, Barndon, are you okay?
689
00:35:58,979 --> 00:36:02,047
Yeah, yeah, no, I meant to do that.
690
00:36:02,049 --> 00:36:02,917
Oh god.
691
00:36:13,094 --> 00:36:14,660
Hey Brandon.
692
00:36:14,662 --> 00:36:16,161
I brought you a little somethin' for the newlyweds.
693
00:36:16,163 --> 00:36:17,996
Oh Mel, thank you.
694
00:36:17,998 --> 00:36:18,831
Cheers.
695
00:36:18,833 --> 00:36:19,665
Cheers.
696
00:36:19,667 --> 00:36:20,400
Shots.
697
00:36:20,402 --> 00:36:22,067
To all your lucky students.
698
00:36:22,069 --> 00:36:24,736
To my sweet husband and all my bros and hoes.
699
00:36:24,738 --> 00:36:25,606
Yeah!
700
00:36:26,507 --> 00:36:28,107
Excuse me ladies and gentlemen,
701
00:36:28,109 --> 00:36:30,342
can I get Charlotte Conroy on the dance floor?
702
00:36:30,344 --> 00:36:31,176
What?
703
00:36:31,178 --> 00:36:32,211
Did he say my name?
704
00:36:32,213 --> 00:36:33,045
I guess.
705
00:36:33,047 --> 00:36:34,179
What did you tell him?
706
00:36:34,181 --> 00:36:35,815
Yeah, everyone, put your hands together right here,
707
00:36:35,817 --> 00:36:38,151
Miss Charlotte, the dancing machine, Conroy,
708
00:36:38,153 --> 00:36:41,421
salsa champion, world champion in the house tonight!
709
00:36:41,423 --> 00:36:42,255
That's you.
710
00:36:42,257 --> 00:36:43,356
What did you tell him?
711
00:36:43,358 --> 00:36:44,790
I may have exaggerated a little.
712
00:36:44,792 --> 00:36:46,359
I know you didn't wanna show off at the wedding
713
00:36:46,361 --> 00:36:48,194
but now I get to see your stuff!
714
00:36:53,235 --> 00:36:54,101
Yeah!
715
00:37:01,076 --> 00:37:02,342
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: And that is all
716
00:37:02,344 --> 00:37:04,944
the salsa Charlotte knows,
717
00:37:04,946 --> 00:37:07,282
but tragically, she dances on.
718
00:37:35,844 --> 00:37:37,844
Well look who's here.
719
00:37:37,846 --> 00:37:40,980
The asshole who almost smothered me to death.
720
00:37:40,982 --> 00:37:42,081
Ashley?
721
00:37:42,083 --> 00:37:45,084
You would still hang out here, you cheap bastard.
722
00:37:45,086 --> 00:37:46,252
I'm just kidding.
723
00:37:46,254 --> 00:37:47,354
I come here too.
724
00:37:47,356 --> 00:37:49,056
Ashley, I am...
725
00:37:49,058 --> 00:37:52,228
You, are not still mad at me, are you?
726
00:37:56,232 --> 00:38:00,967
Okay, Charlotte, thank you, thank you very much.
727
00:38:00,969 --> 00:38:02,837
Very interesting dance.
728
00:38:05,341 --> 00:38:06,773
Hey, honey.
729
00:38:06,775 --> 00:38:08,242
Who's your friend?
730
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:09,243
Ashley.
731
00:38:09,245 --> 00:38:12,079
Charlotte, Charlotte Conroy.
732
00:38:12,081 --> 00:38:13,113
Who's that, your sister?
733
00:38:13,115 --> 00:38:14,549
No, his wife.
734
00:38:14,551 --> 00:38:17,851
I'm sorry, you're married?
735
00:38:17,853 --> 00:38:18,986
Since when?
736
00:38:18,988 --> 00:38:20,156
Four days ago.
737
00:38:22,124 --> 00:38:25,292
We used to date until he went all fainting goat on,
738
00:38:25,294 --> 00:38:27,127
what the fuck?
739
00:38:27,129 --> 00:38:28,796
That's my necklace!
740
00:38:28,798 --> 00:38:29,530
Oh shit.
741
00:38:29,532 --> 00:38:30,564
What the hell, Brandon?
742
00:38:30,566 --> 00:38:32,032
Brandon?
743
00:38:32,034 --> 00:38:33,133
Yeah, I left it at his place.
744
00:38:33,135 --> 00:38:34,468
He never gave it back to me.
745
00:38:34,470 --> 00:38:35,973
Is that true?
746
00:38:38,008 --> 00:38:39,007
Told ya.
747
00:38:39,009 --> 00:38:41,008
This isn't your necklace.
748
00:38:41,010 --> 00:38:41,942
The hell it isn't.
749
00:38:41,944 --> 00:38:43,211
Okay.
750
00:38:43,213 --> 00:38:44,312
No, I think your necklace
751
00:38:44,314 --> 00:38:45,447
I ground up in the garbage disposal.
752
00:38:45,449 --> 00:38:46,847
Bullshit!
753
00:38:46,849 --> 00:38:48,250
Listen, I was freaked out
754
00:38:48,252 --> 00:38:49,850
because I found out my ex-fiance was getting married.
755
00:38:49,852 --> 00:38:50,818
Ex-fiance?
756
00:38:50,820 --> 00:38:52,152
Okay, like you have the right to speak,
757
00:38:52,154 --> 00:38:53,854
you gave this skank's necklace!
758
00:38:53,856 --> 00:38:55,956
Oh my god, this is hilarious.
759
00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:58,127
You wanna know what I think?
760
00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:03,999
You're not gonna do anything?
761
00:39:04,001 --> 00:39:04,868
Stop!
762
00:39:07,604 --> 00:39:09,404
Look at it this way, most women our age
763
00:39:09,406 --> 00:39:11,239
have a lot of wear and tear on 'em
764
00:39:11,241 --> 00:39:13,041
but you got her from the original owner.
765
00:39:13,043 --> 00:39:15,010
She's in mint condition.
766
00:39:15,012 --> 00:39:17,279
Anyway, you really trumped her on that necklace debacle.
767
00:39:17,281 --> 00:39:18,280
What were you thinking?
768
00:39:18,282 --> 00:39:19,214
I don't know, man.
769
00:39:19,216 --> 00:39:20,548
Never the twain shall meet?
770
00:39:20,550 --> 00:39:23,952
Okay, once, when Rita and I were married
771
00:39:23,954 --> 00:39:26,455
for maybe two months, she asked me if this dress
772
00:39:26,457 --> 00:39:28,223
she was wearing made her butt look big.
773
00:39:28,225 --> 00:39:30,593
I told her, yes, but I like big butts.
774
00:39:30,595 --> 00:39:31,926
You know, I'm a black man.
775
00:39:31,928 --> 00:39:33,261
It nearly ruined us.
776
00:39:33,263 --> 00:39:35,130
But it didn't.
777
00:39:35,132 --> 00:39:38,133
It took some work and that's what you gotta do, man.
778
00:39:38,135 --> 00:39:40,468
You gotta make some grand gesture, all right?
779
00:39:40,470 --> 00:39:42,904
Something repentant and sweet.
780
00:39:42,906 --> 00:39:44,005
Maybe a little pathetic thrown in there
781
00:39:44,007 --> 00:39:49,011
and with any luck, it will all be forgotten about.
782
00:39:49,013 --> 00:39:50,281
In a few years.
783
00:39:52,550 --> 00:39:53,418
Come on.
784
00:39:59,324 --> 00:40:01,324
God, it was so humiliating.
785
00:40:01,326 --> 00:40:02,558
So you both screwed up.
786
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:05,128
You each take a gimme and move on.
787
00:40:06,264 --> 00:40:09,465
I just got an email from him.
788
00:40:16,642 --> 00:40:19,043
Oh my gosh, it's so sweet!
789
00:40:20,144 --> 00:40:21,544
He just sent me the cutest apology.
790
00:40:21,546 --> 00:40:22,378
See?
791
00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:24,113
He's a peach.
792
00:40:24,115 --> 00:40:26,449
Do something nice for him tonight, like really nice.
793
00:40:26,451 --> 00:40:28,084
Did you get that link I sent you?
794
00:40:28,086 --> 00:40:29,652
Oh, that site was nasty.
795
00:40:29,654 --> 00:40:31,189
Exactly.
796
00:40:54,178 --> 00:40:55,478
Not in the bedroom.
797
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:02,352
Lower.
798
00:41:12,030 --> 00:41:13,463
This is ridiculous.
799
00:41:13,465 --> 00:41:15,232
They've been making this racket for hours.
800
00:41:15,234 --> 00:41:17,334
What the hell are they trying to prove?
801
00:41:18,203 --> 00:41:20,170
Dan, maybe you should come to bed.
802
00:41:20,172 --> 00:41:22,539
Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
803
00:41:42,327 --> 00:41:43,128
Oh my god.
804
00:41:45,297 --> 00:41:47,300
Oh, that was incredible.
805
00:41:48,501 --> 00:41:50,203
Okay, I gotta pee.
806
00:42:07,052 --> 00:42:09,520
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
807
00:42:09,522 --> 00:42:12,156
You haven't had problems down their before, have you?
808
00:42:12,158 --> 00:42:13,026
Never.
809
00:42:15,328 --> 00:42:17,430
Brandon Conroy.
810
00:42:24,103 --> 00:42:25,303
Hello Mr. Conroy.
811
00:42:25,305 --> 00:42:26,137
Hi.
812
00:42:26,139 --> 00:42:27,405
I'm Dr. Sahni.
813
00:42:27,407 --> 00:42:30,174
Oh, yeah, I normally see Dr. Kurtzman?
814
00:42:30,176 --> 00:42:33,277
Oh, he retired five or six months ago.
815
00:42:33,279 --> 00:42:35,447
This is my first week.
816
00:42:35,449 --> 00:42:36,317
Welcome.
817
00:42:37,184 --> 00:42:39,318
So, what's the problem?
818
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:43,054
It's like someone took a sand blaster to my boom stick.
819
00:42:43,056 --> 00:42:44,625
Let's have a look.
820
00:42:48,127 --> 00:42:49,162
Oh my god.
821
00:42:50,163 --> 00:42:51,295
This looks like something I saw
822
00:42:51,297 --> 00:42:53,297
in my tropical disease seminar.
823
00:42:53,299 --> 00:42:54,633
How long's it been like this?
824
00:42:54,635 --> 00:42:56,067
Just since this morning.
825
00:42:56,069 --> 00:42:58,402
And before that, was your penis normal
826
00:42:58,404 --> 00:43:01,175
or has it always been disfigured?
827
00:43:02,209 --> 00:43:04,309
Normal, it's normal.
828
00:43:04,311 --> 00:43:05,611
Do you work with toxic chemicals?
829
00:43:05,613 --> 00:43:06,745
No.
830
00:43:06,747 --> 00:43:07,846
Have you recently spent time in the African bush?
831
00:43:07,848 --> 00:43:09,081
No.
832
00:43:09,083 --> 00:43:11,083
Have you had sex with any prostitutes from that region?
833
00:43:11,085 --> 00:43:11,850
No!
834
00:43:11,852 --> 00:43:13,719
Any exposure to monkey feces?
835
00:43:13,721 --> 00:43:15,220
Monkey feces?
836
00:43:15,222 --> 00:43:17,289
So, no interspecies intercourse?
837
00:43:17,291 --> 00:43:18,423
Oh, for fuck, no!
838
00:43:18,425 --> 00:43:20,258
Mr. Conroy, I'm going to need the names
839
00:43:20,260 --> 00:43:22,295
of your sexual partners.
840
00:43:24,699 --> 00:43:27,399
Get Dr. Palmer down here right away to look at Mr. Conroy.
841
00:43:27,401 --> 00:43:30,536
We have a possible miasmic STD of unknown origin.
842
00:43:30,538 --> 00:43:32,204
Is it that serious?
843
00:43:32,206 --> 00:43:34,774
He's had sex with 21 women in the last four years.
844
00:43:34,776 --> 00:43:35,710
Go, go, go.
845
00:43:38,445 --> 00:43:40,579
I've never seen anything like this before.
846
00:43:40,581 --> 00:43:42,214
It looks like a mix of genital herpes,
847
00:43:42,216 --> 00:43:44,316
syphilis and a gun shot wound.
848
00:43:44,318 --> 00:43:46,787
Maybe it's a mutant hybrid?
849
00:43:48,156 --> 00:43:49,422
You ask him about money feces?
850
00:43:49,424 --> 00:43:51,393
I did, and negative.
851
00:43:52,827 --> 00:43:54,460
Sterile swab.
852
00:43:54,462 --> 00:43:55,728
Whoa.
853
00:43:55,730 --> 00:43:57,463
What's up with the swab?
854
00:43:57,465 --> 00:44:00,366
I'm gonna insert this into your urethra, get a culture,
855
00:44:00,368 --> 00:44:01,734
run a test and see if we can figure out
856
00:44:01,736 --> 00:44:04,202
what's goin' on with you, okay?
857
00:44:04,204 --> 00:44:05,272
'Kay.
858
00:44:08,342 --> 00:44:09,209
Hmm.
859
00:44:21,590 --> 00:44:23,156
Oh god.
860
00:44:23,158 --> 00:44:23,856
There we go.
861
00:44:23,858 --> 00:44:26,261
That wasn't so bad, was it?
862
00:44:29,731 --> 00:44:31,598
I'm so sorry.
863
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:32,799
It's okay, we got another one.
864
00:44:32,801 --> 00:44:34,233
No that's good.
865
00:44:34,235 --> 00:44:35,603
I'm sure that's fine.
866
00:44:35,605 --> 00:44:38,539
Come on, the three second rule, right?
867
00:44:38,541 --> 00:44:41,542
It's okay, let's try this again, shall we?
868
00:44:41,544 --> 00:44:42,578
Please no.
869
00:44:56,959 --> 00:44:58,358
Hey.
870
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:00,694
Oh sweetie, thank god you're here.
871
00:45:00,696 --> 00:45:02,396
How you doing, honey?
872
00:45:02,398 --> 00:45:04,331
They don't know what I have.
873
00:45:04,333 --> 00:45:06,867
Oh, I'm sure everything will be okay
874
00:45:06,869 --> 00:45:08,936
once they figure out which one of your 21 sluts
875
00:45:08,938 --> 00:45:10,671
gave you the disease!
876
00:45:10,673 --> 00:45:13,374
Whatever happened to quality over quantity?
877
00:45:13,376 --> 00:45:17,344
The numbers don't matter, I always wore condoms.
878
00:45:17,346 --> 00:45:18,479
Except with you.
879
00:45:18,481 --> 00:45:19,680
Oh please!
880
00:45:19,682 --> 00:45:21,849
I only slept with one man for 14 years.
881
00:45:21,851 --> 00:45:23,283
But who did he sleep with, huh?
882
00:45:23,285 --> 00:45:25,421
You're so full of shit!
883
00:45:26,623 --> 00:45:27,889
I'm his wife!
884
00:45:27,891 --> 00:45:29,590
Oh yes, I imagined so.
885
00:45:29,592 --> 00:45:31,258
I'm Dr. Dietz, now let's see
886
00:45:31,260 --> 00:45:34,230
what all this excitement's about.
887
00:45:35,698 --> 00:45:37,631
You already checked for monkey feces, right?
888
00:45:37,633 --> 00:45:38,501
I did.
889
00:45:45,908 --> 00:45:49,010
Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.
890
00:45:49,012 --> 00:45:49,978
Oh god.
891
00:45:49,980 --> 00:45:50,879
Shit.
892
00:45:50,881 --> 00:45:54,281
Commonly known as honeymoon disease
893
00:45:54,283 --> 00:45:57,852
from too much intense sexual activity.
894
00:45:57,854 --> 00:46:00,387
You just need to give the little fellow a rest.
895
00:46:00,389 --> 00:46:02,891
Avoid sex for four or five days.
896
00:46:02,893 --> 00:46:05,593
Only touch it when absolutely necessary
897
00:46:05,595 --> 00:46:08,262
and you'll be right as rain in no time.
898
00:46:08,264 --> 00:46:09,632
Oh, thank god.
899
00:46:10,935 --> 00:46:12,634
Oh, thank you.
900
00:46:12,636 --> 00:46:14,369
You can put that down.
901
00:46:14,371 --> 00:46:16,771
I'm sorry.
902
00:46:16,773 --> 00:46:18,406
So, let me get this straight,
903
00:46:18,408 --> 00:46:22,044
they swabbed your schlong twice, yet they didn't have to?
904
00:46:22,046 --> 00:46:23,545
Yeah.
905
00:46:27,050 --> 00:46:31,488
Oh boy, that is marriage in a nutshell, ain't it?
906
00:46:38,763 --> 00:46:41,564
Mrs. Halvorsen, I was just getting ready for tomorrow.
907
00:46:41,566 --> 00:46:43,531
I'm afraid there's a problem.
908
00:46:43,533 --> 00:46:46,301
We just received your background check.
909
00:46:46,303 --> 00:46:48,704
You were arrested for a felony.
910
00:46:48,706 --> 00:46:51,040
But I received a deferred adjudication.
911
00:46:51,042 --> 00:46:52,507
I wasn't convicted.
912
00:46:52,509 --> 00:46:54,910
I was still able to teach in West Virginia.
913
00:46:54,912 --> 00:46:57,479
Obviously we hold a higher standard here
914
00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:59,315
at Van Nuys Christian.
915
00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:00,649
I'm an excellent teacher, I've been teaching for...
916
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:01,851
I'm sorry.
917
00:47:01,853 --> 00:47:03,919
Maybe if you hadn't been dishonest,
918
00:47:03,921 --> 00:47:07,022
but we're going to have to terminate your contract.
919
00:47:07,024 --> 00:47:09,458
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie,
920
00:47:09,460 --> 00:47:11,494
I was just trying to make a good impression.
921
00:47:13,431 --> 00:47:14,964
Don't apologize to me.
922
00:47:14,966 --> 00:47:16,567
Apologize to Jesus.
923
00:47:50,135 --> 00:47:52,102
You're still upset about what happened yesterday,
924
00:47:52,104 --> 00:47:52,903
aren't you?
925
00:47:52,905 --> 00:47:54,439
Yeah, I mean no.
926
00:47:57,943 --> 00:48:01,111
Look, we've both make mistakes and,
927
00:48:01,113 --> 00:48:02,478
I don't think we should judge each other
928
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:04,848
for things that happened before we met.
929
00:48:04,850 --> 00:48:07,150
Yeah, no, I completely agree.
930
00:48:07,152 --> 00:48:11,621
The past is the past and we should just be looking forward
931
00:48:11,623 --> 00:48:13,927
to the road ahead together.
932
00:48:24,937 --> 00:48:28,340
At least it's all out in the open now.
933
00:48:30,008 --> 00:48:31,842
Look, I wanna tell you,
934
00:48:31,844 --> 00:48:33,377
I need to tell you
935
00:48:35,414 --> 00:48:37,349
that I agree 100%.
936
00:48:38,117 --> 00:48:38,985
Good.
937
00:48:41,988 --> 00:48:43,154
Oh, this is one of my favorite episodes.
938
00:48:43,156 --> 00:48:44,621
Have you seen this one?
939
00:48:44,623 --> 00:48:45,890
No.
940
00:48:45,892 --> 00:48:47,759
Oh, this is classic.
941
00:49:03,176 --> 00:49:05,676
Ah, I won a Golden Heidi
942
00:49:05,678 --> 00:49:07,113
for that episode.
943
00:49:12,886 --> 00:49:14,654
I'll be right back.
944
00:49:31,604 --> 00:49:33,738
Hey, packed your lunch for you.
945
00:49:33,740 --> 00:49:37,075
Oh my god, where did you find this?
946
00:49:37,077 --> 00:49:38,112
I made it.
947
00:49:41,114 --> 00:49:42,982
Knock 'em dead, honey.
948
00:49:59,099 --> 00:50:01,199
I feel like such a scam artist.
949
00:50:01,201 --> 00:50:03,969
I'm not built for this kind of deception.
950
00:50:03,971 --> 00:50:06,204
Okay well, why don't you just find another job real quick
951
00:50:06,206 --> 00:50:09,107
and then tell Brandon you got a better offer?
952
00:50:09,109 --> 00:50:10,809
Finding one's not the problem.
953
00:50:10,811 --> 00:50:13,845
I got an interview at 12, I just, I mean what's the point?
954
00:50:13,847 --> 00:50:15,614
They'll just vet me too.
955
00:50:15,616 --> 00:50:19,051
No one's gonna let a low down ex-con near their children.
956
00:50:19,053 --> 00:50:20,118
Hmm.
957
00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:21,553
Oh, I got it!
958
00:50:21,555 --> 00:50:24,056
Okay, your middle name is Lauren, right?
959
00:50:24,058 --> 00:50:27,759
So why don't you spell it L-A-U-R-A-N instead of E-N
960
00:50:27,761 --> 00:50:29,761
and then your record won't come up.
961
00:50:29,763 --> 00:50:31,263
Would that really work?
962
00:50:31,265 --> 00:50:32,197
I don't know.
963
00:50:32,199 --> 00:50:34,199
What have you got to lose?
964
00:50:34,201 --> 00:50:35,234
You know what?
965
00:50:35,236 --> 00:50:36,269
Nothing, you're right.
966
00:50:36,271 --> 00:50:37,737
You're absolutely right.
967
00:50:37,739 --> 00:50:41,176
Thank you so much, you're a total genius.
968
00:50:43,845 --> 00:50:45,311
My car won't start.
969
00:50:45,313 --> 00:50:47,113
Okay, why don't you just call Brandon real quick
970
00:50:47,115 --> 00:50:47,679
and then ask him...
971
00:50:47,681 --> 00:50:48,647
I can't call Brandon
972
00:50:48,649 --> 00:50:49,781
and ask him to take me to a job interview
973
00:50:49,783 --> 00:50:51,550
when I'm supposed to be in a job that I already have!
974
00:50:51,552 --> 00:50:52,185
Goodbye!
975
00:50:52,187 --> 00:50:53,221
Shit.
976
00:50:55,190 --> 00:50:56,788
Shit.
977
00:51:00,762 --> 00:51:01,594
Hey, Charlotte.
978
00:51:01,596 --> 00:51:02,497
Hey, Dan.
979
00:51:06,201 --> 00:51:07,233
Bye, Dan.
980
00:51:07,235 --> 00:51:08,103
Bye.
981
00:51:21,582 --> 00:51:25,154
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
982
00:51:27,123 --> 00:51:28,190
Goddammit!
983
00:51:42,103 --> 00:51:45,171
Eight years teaching first grade.
984
00:51:45,173 --> 00:51:48,108
Volunteer for the Red Cross.
985
00:51:48,110 --> 00:51:50,813
Girl Scout camp summer leader.
986
00:51:52,214 --> 00:51:54,281
Oh, you went to UWV!
987
00:51:54,283 --> 00:51:55,648
Yeah.
988
00:51:55,650 --> 00:51:56,717
Proud Mountaineer here!
989
00:51:56,719 --> 00:51:57,650
You too?
990
00:51:57,652 --> 00:51:58,285
Teal pride.
991
00:52:05,194 --> 00:52:07,261
Oh, is Professor Vassic still there?
992
00:52:07,263 --> 00:52:10,397
Oh yes, I loved him, he was amazing.
993
00:52:10,399 --> 00:52:14,202
Well, then I know you have an excellent education.
994
00:52:14,204 --> 00:52:15,102
Actually Mrs. Newton,
995
00:52:15,104 --> 00:52:18,140
there's something I need to tell you.
996
00:52:19,942 --> 00:52:21,376
Hey, Brandon.
997
00:52:21,378 --> 00:52:22,344
Hey, bro.
998
00:52:25,247 --> 00:52:28,115
Look, there's no easy way to say this, man.
999
00:52:28,117 --> 00:52:30,150
A senior project manager over at Plan C
1000
00:52:30,152 --> 00:52:31,385
is moving to London,
1001
00:52:31,387 --> 00:52:34,858
so Matthew called and offered me the job.
1002
00:52:37,660 --> 00:52:38,692
What can I say, man?
1003
00:52:38,694 --> 00:52:40,295
I'm a weasel.
1004
00:52:40,297 --> 00:52:43,133
I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.
1005
00:52:44,301 --> 00:52:45,801
Well, thanks.
1006
00:52:46,969 --> 00:52:48,336
No bullshit, I fought for you.
1007
00:52:48,338 --> 00:52:49,870
I swear, man.
1008
00:52:49,872 --> 00:52:51,040
Look, I'm old.
1009
00:52:52,108 --> 00:52:54,242
I got alimony payments up the wang.
1010
00:52:54,244 --> 00:52:56,210
You can still use the office, if you want.
1011
00:52:56,212 --> 00:52:58,882
Nah, it's your garage and all.
1012
00:53:03,286 --> 00:53:08,125
Yeah, and so, I just wanted to be completely up front.
1013
00:53:09,259 --> 00:53:11,059
I appreciate your candor, Charlotte.
1014
00:53:11,061 --> 00:53:13,728
And I'd like to think we're a little more forgiving
1015
00:53:13,730 --> 00:53:18,233
than the Christians over at Van Nuys Christian School.
1016
00:53:18,235 --> 00:53:20,337
So, I'll get back to you.
1017
00:53:37,988 --> 00:53:41,124
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
1018
00:53:43,727 --> 00:53:47,765
Hi, I need to report a stolen, or a missing car.
1019
00:53:48,833 --> 00:53:50,701
I don't know where is,
1020
00:53:52,737 --> 00:53:54,736
I don't know the license plate number.
1021
00:53:54,738 --> 00:53:58,073
Look, it's a Mustang, it's really old.
1022
00:53:58,075 --> 00:54:00,109
There can't be that many of them.
1023
00:54:00,111 --> 00:54:02,211
Look, I was really hoping you can help me find this car
1024
00:54:02,213 --> 00:54:05,481
before my husband finds out that it's missing.
1025
00:54:08,186 --> 00:54:11,189
Oh, my god.
1026
00:54:13,358 --> 00:54:15,259
Call Brandon Conroy.
1027
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:23,933
Yeah.
1028
00:54:23,935 --> 00:54:25,267
No, stop, stop!
1029
00:54:25,269 --> 00:54:26,302
No, please stop, stop!
1030
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:27,236
Hey!
1031
00:54:27,238 --> 00:54:29,140
Charlotte, are you okay?
1032
00:54:30,474 --> 00:54:31,342
Charlotte!
1033
00:54:32,176 --> 00:54:34,178
Charlotte, Charlotte!
1034
00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:36,215
Dan.
1035
00:54:38,183 --> 00:54:39,449
Dan, something horrible has happened.
1036
00:54:39,451 --> 00:54:40,383
What?
1037
00:54:40,385 --> 00:54:42,018
Brandon's Mustang was stolen!
1038
00:54:42,020 --> 00:54:43,053
No, not the Mustang!
1039
00:54:43,055 --> 00:54:45,921
Yeah, he is gonna be furious.
1040
00:54:45,923 --> 00:54:47,089
Did you call the police?
1041
00:54:47,091 --> 00:54:49,326
Yes and when I didn't know the license plate number,
1042
00:54:49,328 --> 00:54:50,859
they just laughed at me.
1043
00:54:50,861 --> 00:54:52,529
Do you happen to know the number?
1044
00:54:52,531 --> 00:54:53,963
Yes, I do.
1045
00:54:55,166 --> 00:54:57,299
Why does he have that stupid car anyways?
1046
00:54:57,301 --> 00:54:58,469
But I thought you loved it.
1047
00:54:58,471 --> 00:55:01,204
Yeah, I mean it's fun to cruise around in sometimes
1048
00:55:01,206 --> 00:55:03,273
but I mean come on, it's ridiculous.
1049
00:55:03,275 --> 00:55:05,141
It's just some loud, gas guzzling,
1050
00:55:05,143 --> 00:55:08,847
middle-aged-mobile for men with tiny dicks.
1051
00:55:10,249 --> 00:55:11,749
Come with me.
1052
00:55:17,489 --> 00:55:20,891
Charlotte Conroy, I need to see her!
1053
00:55:23,129 --> 00:55:25,196
Oh my god, they brought it back.
1054
00:55:25,198 --> 00:55:27,498
No, I had a GPS tracker on it.
1055
00:55:27,500 --> 00:55:31,234
Oh my god, oh my god, Dan, thank you, thank you so much.
1056
00:55:31,236 --> 00:55:33,238
You totally saved my life!
1057
00:55:34,239 --> 00:55:35,539
Wait, why do you have a...
1058
00:55:35,541 --> 00:55:37,274
It's mine, it's mine, Charlotte.
1059
00:55:37,276 --> 00:55:38,174
It's always been mine.
1060
00:55:38,176 --> 00:55:40,277
It wasn't stolen, I just took it back.
1061
00:55:40,279 --> 00:55:41,878
But the car belongs to Brandon.
1062
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:43,313
No, it doesn't.
1063
00:55:43,315 --> 00:55:45,048
He borrowed it from me.
1064
00:55:45,050 --> 00:55:47,885
I guess he was trying to impress you.
1065
00:55:47,887 --> 00:55:49,353
Why would that impress me?
1066
00:55:49,355 --> 00:55:52,957
I don't know, maybe because it makes him look cool
1067
00:55:52,959 --> 00:55:55,393
and a little less broke.
1068
00:55:55,395 --> 00:55:56,560
Brandon is broke?
1069
00:55:56,562 --> 00:56:00,298
I shouldn't say anything, I'm so sorry.
1070
00:56:00,300 --> 00:56:01,232
He's worse than broke.
1071
00:56:01,234 --> 00:56:03,867
He's in debt, calamitous, crushing debt!
1072
00:56:03,869 --> 00:56:06,069
You know what, you know, I'm glad I'm saying something,
1073
00:56:06,071 --> 00:56:08,472
this is for his own good.
1074
00:56:08,474 --> 00:56:09,875
I feel better.
1075
00:56:12,245 --> 00:56:14,579
Charlotte no longer works here.
1076
00:56:14,581 --> 00:56:15,413
What?
1077
00:56:15,415 --> 00:56:16,881
We had to let her go.
1078
00:56:16,883 --> 00:56:19,050
She has a felony for assault and battery.
1079
00:56:19,052 --> 00:56:20,384
It's shocking that someone so well-mannered
1080
00:56:20,386 --> 00:56:22,288
could be so vicious.
1081
00:56:51,585 --> 00:56:52,453
Hey.
1082
00:56:53,454 --> 00:56:54,320
Hey.
1083
00:56:59,293 --> 00:57:03,462
Hey, what was up with that phone call today?
1084
00:57:03,464 --> 00:57:07,401
Oh, sorry, someone almost backed into my car.
1085
00:57:09,169 --> 00:57:10,037
Oh.
1086
00:57:11,004 --> 00:57:11,970
But you're okay now?
1087
00:57:11,972 --> 00:57:12,637
Oh yeah.
1088
00:57:12,639 --> 00:57:14,339
Oh.
1089
00:57:14,341 --> 00:57:15,507
Yeah.
1090
00:57:15,509 --> 00:57:16,909
That's good.
1091
00:57:18,145 --> 00:57:19,313
So how was work?
1092
00:57:20,214 --> 00:57:22,582
Good day with all the kids?
1093
00:57:22,584 --> 00:57:23,984
Yeah, great.
1094
00:57:24,719 --> 00:57:26,319
How about you?
1095
00:57:26,321 --> 00:57:27,955
Make lots of money?
1096
00:57:29,223 --> 00:57:30,290
Yeah.
1097
00:57:31,959 --> 00:57:33,160
That's good.
1098
00:57:39,166 --> 00:57:41,032
By the way, your Aunt Sallie Mae wrote.
1099
00:57:41,034 --> 00:57:43,170
She'd like her $56,000 back.
1100
00:57:48,443 --> 00:57:50,676
Why are you going through my mail?
1101
00:57:50,678 --> 00:57:53,346
Well, don't you mean our mail, dear?
1102
00:57:53,348 --> 00:57:55,181
We're married and we share everything.
1103
00:57:55,183 --> 00:57:57,183
Including a butt-load of debt.
1104
00:57:57,185 --> 00:57:58,751
Huh, you wanna share?
1105
00:57:58,753 --> 00:58:01,086
Okay, let's share.
1106
00:58:01,088 --> 00:58:04,323
Tell me all about the felony you committed, darling.
1107
00:58:04,325 --> 00:58:05,558
What?
1108
00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:09,361
You know, the thing you lost your job over.
1109
00:58:09,363 --> 00:58:10,363
You don't understand.
1110
00:58:10,365 --> 00:58:11,364
No, I think I do.
1111
00:58:11,366 --> 00:58:12,331
Assault and battery.
1112
00:58:12,333 --> 00:58:13,433
It's right there in the title.
1113
00:58:13,435 --> 00:58:14,500
Pretty self-explanatory.
1114
00:58:14,502 --> 00:58:15,736
It was my ex-fiance.
1115
00:58:15,738 --> 00:58:17,537
Oh, well that should help me sleep at night.
1116
00:58:17,539 --> 00:58:19,340
It was an accident!
1117
00:58:20,442 --> 00:58:23,309
And you know what, I wasn't convicted.
1118
00:58:23,311 --> 00:58:26,679
And at least I paid my debt to society, unlike you.
1119
00:58:26,681 --> 00:58:29,215
Student loans aren't a crime.
1120
00:58:29,217 --> 00:58:31,117
They are if you don't pay them!
1121
00:58:31,119 --> 00:58:32,685
Whoa, please don't stab me with your shiv.
1122
00:58:32,687 --> 00:58:35,355
They'll send you back to the joint, sweetheart.
1123
00:58:35,357 --> 00:58:39,226
At least there, you know who people are.
1124
00:58:39,228 --> 00:58:41,328
Then why don't you call the warden
1125
00:58:41,330 --> 00:58:43,297
and get your old bunk back.
1126
00:58:43,299 --> 00:58:46,199
I have let a lot of shit slide.
1127
00:58:46,201 --> 00:58:47,468
Like what?
1128
00:58:47,470 --> 00:58:50,269
You don't know the first thing about cooking.
1129
00:58:50,271 --> 00:58:51,337
Philip Seymour Hoffman
1130
00:58:51,339 --> 00:58:54,073
is not the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers
1131
00:58:54,075 --> 00:58:56,442
and you, sir, are no Lance Armstrong.
1132
00:58:56,444 --> 00:58:57,376
Three words.
1133
00:58:57,378 --> 00:58:59,747
Salsa, dancing, champion.
1134
00:58:59,749 --> 00:59:02,082
Oh, and how long did you think
1135
00:59:02,084 --> 00:59:05,486
that you could pretend that stupid car was yours?
1136
00:59:05,488 --> 00:59:07,221
Goddamn, Dan!
1137
00:59:07,223 --> 00:59:08,422
And the worst part,
1138
00:59:08,424 --> 00:59:11,225
the worst part is that you make made me look like a idiot
1139
00:59:11,227 --> 00:59:12,459
in front of Dan and Rita.
1140
00:59:12,461 --> 00:59:15,395
Like the only friends that I have in this miserable place.
1141
00:59:15,397 --> 00:59:17,397
Hey, you make me look like an idiot too.
1142
00:59:17,399 --> 00:59:18,565
I didn't know who I married.
1143
00:59:18,567 --> 00:59:21,200
Are you this sweet adorable school teacher
1144
00:59:21,202 --> 00:59:24,271
or a deranged grifter come to ruin my life?
1145
00:59:24,273 --> 00:59:25,740
Well, if you really feel that way,
1146
00:59:25,742 --> 00:59:28,610
then maybe, maybe, maybe we should both admit
1147
00:59:28,612 --> 00:59:30,812
that we made a mistake and then just split ways!
1148
00:59:30,814 --> 00:59:31,846
You know what, maybe we should!
1149
00:59:31,848 --> 00:59:32,680
Yeah?
1150
00:59:32,682 --> 00:59:33,514
Yeah!
1151
00:59:33,516 --> 00:59:34,348
Yeah!
1152
00:59:34,350 --> 00:59:35,215
Fine!
1153
00:59:35,217 --> 00:59:36,250
Fine!
1154
00:59:36,252 --> 00:59:37,119
Fine!
1155
00:59:39,555 --> 00:59:42,222
How long you two been hitched?
1156
00:59:42,224 --> 00:59:43,790
BRANDON AND CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
1157
00:59:43,792 --> 00:59:44,660
10 days?
1158
00:59:46,363 --> 00:59:48,663
Are you celebrities of some sort?
1159
00:59:48,665 --> 00:59:49,664
No.
1160
00:59:49,666 --> 00:59:51,132
Peculiar.
1161
00:59:51,134 --> 00:59:52,634
So, how do we get this thing started?
1162
00:59:52,636 --> 00:59:54,269
First of all, let me be clear,
1163
00:59:54,271 --> 00:59:56,304
I'm actin' as a neutral third party
1164
00:59:56,306 --> 00:59:59,440
helpin' to negotiate a fair settlement.
1165
00:59:59,442 --> 01:00:01,342
There's nothing to negotiate.
1166
01:00:01,344 --> 01:00:03,143
We're in complete divorce agreement.
1167
01:00:03,145 --> 01:00:05,446
That's the only thing we're in agreement on.
1168
01:00:05,448 --> 01:00:07,515
Fair enough, I'll draw up the contract
1169
01:00:07,517 --> 01:00:10,418
and y'all can come back next Thursday and sign it.
1170
01:00:10,420 --> 01:00:11,419
Thursday?
1171
01:00:11,421 --> 01:00:12,855
Why not today?
1172
01:00:12,857 --> 01:00:15,256
Don't you have some generic forms lyin' around,
1173
01:00:15,258 --> 01:00:16,825
like divorcezoom.com?
1174
01:00:16,827 --> 01:00:18,194
Generic forms?
1175
01:00:19,496 --> 01:00:22,297
Every divorce is unique.
1176
01:00:22,299 --> 01:00:26,303
Regardless of race, religion or sexual preference.
1177
01:00:27,370 --> 01:00:29,370
Now how would you like to handle my fee?
1178
01:00:29,372 --> 01:00:30,572
We'll split it.
1179
01:00:30,574 --> 01:00:34,209
You got that much or do you need to get another loan?
1180
01:00:34,211 --> 01:00:38,181
You're sure Thursday's the best you can do?
1181
01:00:41,719 --> 01:00:43,554
So, where you staying?
1182
01:00:45,890 --> 01:00:47,288
What?
1183
01:00:47,290 --> 01:00:48,423
It's my apartment.
1184
01:00:48,425 --> 01:00:51,794
I gave up my job, my home and best friend for you.
1185
01:00:51,796 --> 01:00:54,763
I'm not leaving the apartment and I'm not paying you rent.
1186
01:00:54,765 --> 01:00:58,767
Well, you'd better start cooking or cleaning or,
1187
01:00:58,769 --> 01:00:59,668
doing something.
1188
01:00:59,670 --> 01:01:01,303
Asshole!
1189
01:01:01,305 --> 01:01:02,740
And your car sucks!
1190
01:01:37,843 --> 01:01:39,241
I'm so sorry Char.
1191
01:01:39,243 --> 01:01:40,843
Men are such turds.
1192
01:02:03,535 --> 01:02:05,501
So, then you wanna subtract the top number
1193
01:02:05,503 --> 01:02:08,004
from the other one you got right there.
1194
01:02:08,006 --> 01:02:08,872
Okay.
1195
01:02:08,874 --> 01:02:10,440
You go it!
1196
01:02:10,442 --> 01:02:12,145
Awesome, good job!
1197
01:02:45,678 --> 01:02:49,013
Have a great day in your work.
1198
01:02:49,015 --> 01:02:49,882
Love you.
1199
01:03:01,360 --> 01:03:03,396
No, I haven't done much
1200
01:03:04,530 --> 01:03:07,698
any animated porn but I am a fast learner
1201
01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:09,967
and I love animation,
1202
01:03:09,969 --> 01:03:11,738
and porn, so win-win.
1203
01:03:13,039 --> 01:03:14,872
Okay, well please keep me in mind.
1204
01:03:14,874 --> 01:03:16,006
Thank you.
1205
01:03:21,982 --> 01:03:23,615
Surprise!
1206
01:03:23,617 --> 01:03:24,750
Happy Birthday!
1207
01:03:24,752 --> 01:03:27,418
Happy birthday, son!
1208
01:03:27,420 --> 01:03:29,522
Wow, I didn't expect...
1209
01:03:30,924 --> 01:03:32,323
How's the Antarctica?
1210
01:03:32,325 --> 01:03:33,324
Amazing!
1211
01:03:33,326 --> 01:03:34,558
Your mother was the hero.
1212
01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:37,394
She devised a scheme to foul the prop on the Nisshin Maru.
1213
01:03:37,396 --> 01:03:38,529
And your father was shot in the balls
1214
01:03:38,531 --> 01:03:40,598
by one of the Japanese deckhands.
1215
01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:41,699
With a rubber bullet.
1216
01:03:41,701 --> 01:03:43,467
It swelled up like coconuts.
1217
01:03:43,469 --> 01:03:46,071
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
1218
01:03:46,073 --> 01:03:47,372
Lookin' good boy.
1219
01:03:47,374 --> 01:03:48,673
So good to see you.
1220
01:03:48,675 --> 01:03:50,711
Yeah, so good.
1221
01:03:59,086 --> 01:04:00,085
Hey, what'd you tell them?
1222
01:04:00,087 --> 01:04:01,086
About what?
1223
01:04:01,088 --> 01:04:02,888
About us, about the divorce.
1224
01:04:02,890 --> 01:04:03,955
When?
1225
01:04:03,957 --> 01:04:04,890
They haven't stopped talking since they got here.
1226
01:04:04,892 --> 01:04:06,059
Oh, thank god.
1227
01:04:07,393 --> 01:04:08,659
You're gonna have to tell them.
1228
01:04:08,661 --> 01:04:10,863
Well, not tonight, it's my birthday.
1229
01:04:10,865 --> 01:04:12,364
Plus it's humiliating.
1230
01:04:12,366 --> 01:04:13,799
They're marriage has lasted 32 years
1231
01:04:13,801 --> 01:04:18,436
and ours lasted about as long as a Hobbit movie.
1232
01:04:18,438 --> 01:04:20,039
Happy birthday, son.
1233
01:04:20,041 --> 01:04:23,575
My charitable works continue, I see.
1234
01:04:23,577 --> 01:04:25,110
What's this?
1235
01:04:25,112 --> 01:04:29,047
Two tickets to Tahiti for an all inclusive stay at Brando.
1236
01:04:29,049 --> 01:04:31,149
It's a luxury eco-resort.
1237
01:04:31,151 --> 01:04:34,554
I could have been a contender.
1238
01:04:34,556 --> 01:04:36,055
Because my boy and his beautiful bride
1239
01:04:36,057 --> 01:04:40,595
deserve the absolute best honeymoon the money can buy.
1240
01:04:42,163 --> 01:04:43,095
Speaking of honeymoons,
1241
01:04:43,097 --> 01:04:45,397
you know your father and I are undergoing
1242
01:04:45,399 --> 01:04:47,532
a bit of a second one right now.
1243
01:04:47,534 --> 01:04:49,969
Let's just say, we're experiencing a refreshed sense
1244
01:04:49,971 --> 01:04:52,071
of sexual energy.
1245
01:04:52,073 --> 01:04:54,906
Exploring our aging bodies.
1246
01:04:54,908 --> 01:04:58,446
So many delicious new cavities to explore.
1247
01:05:00,982 --> 01:05:02,481
Well, it's a very thoughtful gift
1248
01:05:02,483 --> 01:05:05,418
and I thank you very much.
1249
01:05:05,420 --> 01:05:06,953
It's thoughtful, isn't it, Charlotte?
1250
01:05:06,955 --> 01:05:09,455
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.
1251
01:05:09,457 --> 01:05:10,890
Okay, let's have a photo.
1252
01:05:10,892 --> 01:05:12,660
Hold up your present.
1253
01:05:15,797 --> 01:05:17,830
This isn't the Middle East peace talks.
1254
01:05:17,832 --> 01:05:19,067
How about a kiss?
1255
01:05:24,874 --> 01:05:25,741
Lovely.
1256
01:05:39,088 --> 01:05:42,488
I'm sensing a little bit of disharmony.
1257
01:05:42,490 --> 01:05:44,156
I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit...
1258
01:05:44,158 --> 01:05:46,927
Yeah, I know, is it Brandon?
1259
01:05:46,929 --> 01:05:48,095
You know, because he's a sweet boy
1260
01:05:48,097 --> 01:05:50,230
but he can also be a massive pain in the ass.
1261
01:05:50,232 --> 01:05:51,901
Trust me, I know.
1262
01:05:53,469 --> 01:05:54,134
It's not just him.
1263
01:05:54,136 --> 01:05:56,236
It's just that we,
1264
01:05:56,238 --> 01:06:00,207
you know, we both weren't as honest as we should have been.
1265
01:06:00,209 --> 01:06:01,076
Ah.
1266
01:06:03,946 --> 01:06:07,149
Well, I remember when Jerry and I met.
1267
01:06:08,250 --> 01:06:12,086
He thought I was a democrat and a virgin.
1268
01:06:13,023 --> 01:06:16,590
The truth is, I was in love with Reagan
1269
01:06:16,592 --> 01:06:20,161
and I'd slept with half the boys in the neighborhood.
1270
01:06:20,163 --> 01:06:21,962
So, you?
1271
01:06:21,964 --> 01:06:26,266
Well, I told him what I thought he wanted to hear
1272
01:06:26,268 --> 01:06:29,269
which was not the truth, I...
1273
01:06:29,271 --> 01:06:30,203
You...
1274
01:06:30,205 --> 01:06:32,741
Lied, yes, guilty as charged.
1275
01:06:33,877 --> 01:06:37,745
But when I met him, I knew he was special.
1276
01:06:37,747 --> 01:06:42,116
So all of this nonsense just came babbling out of me.
1277
01:06:42,118 --> 01:06:44,052
And how did you?
1278
01:06:44,054 --> 01:06:46,520
I eventually found the courage
1279
01:06:46,522 --> 01:06:50,559
to tell him what was in my head and in my heart.
1280
01:06:51,894 --> 01:06:54,095
And that's been the glue of our relationship
1281
01:06:54,097 --> 01:06:56,596
from that day forward.
1282
01:06:56,598 --> 01:06:58,267
You sure you don't want some of this?
1283
01:06:58,269 --> 01:06:59,734
It's Peruvian hog's breath.
1284
01:06:59,736 --> 01:07:01,703
They grow it above three line.
1285
01:07:01,705 --> 01:07:02,971
Sweet.
1286
01:07:02,973 --> 01:07:05,606
Nah, I'm good, thanks, Dad.
1287
01:07:05,608 --> 01:07:07,911
I'm not really in the mood.
1288
01:07:08,845 --> 01:07:11,112
Why so glum, Sunny Jim?
1289
01:07:11,114 --> 01:07:13,181
I don't know, Dad.
1290
01:07:13,183 --> 01:07:14,651
Marriage is hard.
1291
01:07:18,021 --> 01:07:21,790
You have a keen grasp of the obvious.
1292
01:07:21,792 --> 01:07:25,997
I think mine was just a bad idea from the start.
1293
01:07:27,164 --> 01:07:31,235
Brandon, not a day goes by that I don't ask myself,
1294
01:07:32,736 --> 01:07:36,271
did I do the right thing marrying that woman?
1295
01:07:36,273 --> 01:07:39,707
That's not very romantic, Dad.
1296
01:07:39,709 --> 01:07:42,912
It is when the answer is always yes.
1297
01:08:11,109 --> 01:08:12,244
Oh, my god.
1298
01:08:27,124 --> 01:08:29,992
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
1299
01:08:53,751 --> 01:08:54,783
Sweetie, what's wrong?
1300
01:08:54,785 --> 01:08:55,751
Are you okay?
1301
01:08:55,753 --> 01:08:57,119
Yeah, Mom, I know, I'm fine.
1302
01:08:57,121 --> 01:08:58,888
I just have a headache, that's all.
1303
01:08:58,890 --> 01:09:00,857
I think I have something for that.
1304
01:09:00,859 --> 01:09:03,126
Well, you've always got somethin' for somethin'.
1305
01:09:03,128 --> 01:09:06,329
Great, why do you have a DEA property room
1306
01:09:06,331 --> 01:09:07,797
around your waist?
1307
01:09:07,799 --> 01:09:08,965
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: Oh, I would love
1308
01:09:08,967 --> 01:09:10,133
to make this bust.
1309
01:09:10,135 --> 01:09:13,903
Window Pane acid, peyote, shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy,
1310
01:09:13,905 --> 01:09:16,139
hashish and Viagra.
1311
01:09:16,141 --> 01:09:17,841
It's our mobile first aid kit.
1312
01:09:17,843 --> 01:09:20,176
Recently replenished in Tierra del Fuego.
1313
01:09:20,178 --> 01:09:22,113
You know, they have a very enlightened attitude
1314
01:09:22,115 --> 01:09:23,983
towards psychotropics.
1315
01:09:24,850 --> 01:09:25,951
Here it is.
1316
01:09:26,751 --> 01:09:28,252
Ginger root.
1317
01:09:28,254 --> 01:09:31,288
Yeah, Dad, don't you have any Advil?
1318
01:09:31,290 --> 01:09:32,158
Advil.
1319
01:09:33,359 --> 01:09:35,228
That's fuckin' poison.
1320
01:09:38,196 --> 01:09:40,063
Ow, shit!
1321
01:09:40,065 --> 01:09:40,932
Ow, god.
1322
01:09:42,734 --> 01:09:43,967
What?
1323
01:09:43,969 --> 01:09:45,201
Good morning, Charlotte,
1324
01:09:45,203 --> 01:09:47,705
this is Bonnie Newton from the Culver City Charter School.
1325
01:09:47,707 --> 01:09:49,208
Is this a good time?
1326
01:09:50,243 --> 01:09:52,843
Yeah, yeah, definitely, hi.
1327
01:09:52,845 --> 01:09:54,711
Good, well, we're having a gathering
1328
01:09:54,713 --> 01:09:56,480
this afternoon with some of the board.
1329
01:09:56,482 --> 01:09:59,016
I thought it might help your cause if you attended
1330
01:09:59,018 --> 01:10:01,318
and demonstrated to everyone what a solid,
1331
01:10:01,320 --> 01:10:03,020
upstanding, young woman you are.
1332
01:10:03,022 --> 01:10:05,989
Yeah, I would love to, thank you.
1333
01:10:05,991 --> 01:10:07,224
Well, we West Virginia gals
1334
01:10:07,226 --> 01:10:09,193
have to stick together.
1335
01:10:10,297 --> 01:10:11,196
I'll email you the details.
1336
01:10:11,198 --> 01:10:12,930
Okay, great.
1337
01:10:12,932 --> 01:10:14,266
Oh, and bring that charming
1338
01:10:14,268 --> 01:10:16,434
and supportive husband of yours.
1339
01:10:16,436 --> 01:10:18,903
Yeah, of course, thank you, yeah.
1340
01:10:18,905 --> 01:10:20,738
I'll will see you there, thanks.
1341
01:10:20,740 --> 01:10:22,008
Bye.
1342
01:10:26,012 --> 01:10:27,077
First, you want me to tell my parents
1343
01:10:27,079 --> 01:10:29,780
we're getting divorced and now, you want me to go
1344
01:10:29,782 --> 01:10:33,350
to a garden party and pretend we're happily married?
1345
01:10:33,352 --> 01:10:35,020
Brandon, just please.
1346
01:10:35,022 --> 01:10:37,255
If I get this job, then I'll have enough money
1347
01:10:37,257 --> 01:10:38,824
and I can move out.
1348
01:10:40,093 --> 01:10:40,928
Okay.
1349
01:10:42,029 --> 01:10:43,994
That makes sense.
1350
01:10:43,996 --> 01:10:46,266
So nice to see you again.
1351
01:10:48,268 --> 01:10:49,099
Oh, Charlotte.
1352
01:10:49,101 --> 01:10:50,067
Hi.
1353
01:10:50,069 --> 01:10:51,168
So glad you could make it, dear.
1354
01:10:51,170 --> 01:10:52,237
Thank you for having us.
1355
01:10:52,239 --> 01:10:53,204
You're welcome.
1356
01:10:53,206 --> 01:10:55,139
Mrs. Newton, this is my husband Brandon.
1357
01:10:55,141 --> 01:10:56,341
Very nice to meet you.
1358
01:10:56,343 --> 01:10:58,777
And this is our host and head of the board,
1359
01:10:58,779 --> 01:11:01,213
Dr. Glenn Wooster and his mother,
1360
01:11:01,215 --> 01:11:04,918
- Lilian Cavendish Wooster. - Nice to meet you.
1361
01:11:11,058 --> 01:11:12,290
You know, Charlotte has been teaching first grade
1362
01:11:12,292 --> 01:11:14,259
for over eight years.
1363
01:11:14,261 --> 01:11:15,427
You don't find it challenging
1364
01:11:15,429 --> 01:11:17,162
to be around children all day?
1365
01:11:17,164 --> 01:11:20,365
Oh, god no, I just love kids so much.
1366
01:11:20,367 --> 01:11:23,835
They're so honest and entertaining.
1367
01:11:23,837 --> 01:11:26,105
I have this one student, Emily,
1368
01:11:26,107 --> 01:11:27,872
every day, anywhere she went,
1369
01:11:27,874 --> 01:11:30,141
she always had her two Barbie dolls at her side.
1370
01:11:30,143 --> 01:11:32,210
And on her birthday, I asked her what she wanted
1371
01:11:32,212 --> 01:11:34,279
and she told me, she want more Barbies.
1372
01:11:34,281 --> 01:11:36,047
And so I asked Emily, I was like,
1373
01:11:36,049 --> 01:11:37,550
well, you already have Barbies, why do you need more?
1374
01:11:37,552 --> 01:11:40,218
And he said, because my Barbies smoke and drink
1375
01:11:40,220 --> 01:11:41,154
way too much.
1376
01:11:47,595 --> 01:11:48,427
Excuse me.
1377
01:11:48,429 --> 01:11:49,862
Sure.
1378
01:11:49,864 --> 01:11:51,230
So I just, I don't know.
1379
01:11:51,232 --> 01:11:52,965
They are so much fun and you never know
1380
01:11:52,967 --> 01:11:55,234
what they're gonna say or do next.
1381
01:11:55,236 --> 01:11:58,004
Brandon, I bear good tidings.
1382
01:11:58,006 --> 01:12:00,306
I just got you a full-time gig working with me
1383
01:12:00,308 --> 01:12:03,209
over here at Plan C, as promised, buddy.
1384
01:12:03,211 --> 01:12:05,177
Now, please go find a toilet,
1385
01:12:05,179 --> 01:12:06,445
lest you shit yourself with joy
1386
01:12:06,447 --> 01:12:08,179
when I tell you how much you're getting paid.
1387
01:12:08,181 --> 01:12:09,349
Okay, bye.
1388
01:12:14,956 --> 01:12:16,289
It was so great to meet you.
1389
01:12:16,291 --> 01:12:17,123
Good luck.
1390
01:12:17,125 --> 01:12:17,957
Thank you.
1391
01:12:17,959 --> 01:12:18,592
Hey.
1392
01:12:18,594 --> 01:12:19,425
Hey.
1393
01:12:19,427 --> 01:12:20,527
Got you a beer.
1394
01:12:20,529 --> 01:12:21,396
Thanks.
1395
01:12:23,364 --> 01:12:26,599
You know, I really don't like beer.
1396
01:12:26,601 --> 01:12:27,433
Really?
1397
01:12:27,435 --> 01:12:28,303
Yeah.
1398
01:12:29,570 --> 01:12:31,504
Neither do I.
1399
01:12:31,506 --> 01:12:33,306
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: At last the truth.
1400
01:12:33,308 --> 01:12:36,312
American beers taste like shizer.
1401
01:12:40,948 --> 01:12:43,049
Mr. Wooster, I don't know what the philosophy
1402
01:12:43,051 --> 01:12:44,618
of your school is but my wife and I
1403
01:12:44,620 --> 01:12:47,321
are big supporters of constructivism.
1404
01:12:47,323 --> 01:12:49,255
Yes, you know, we really like the notion
1405
01:12:49,257 --> 01:12:51,391
that the teacher are facilitating the students
1406
01:12:51,393 --> 01:12:53,326
to interact among themselves.
1407
01:12:53,328 --> 01:12:55,194
Instead of merely lecturing at them
1408
01:12:55,196 --> 01:12:58,499
as they sit and becoming passive listeners.
1409
01:12:58,501 --> 01:13:00,067
And having the students realize
1410
01:13:00,069 --> 01:13:03,003
that everyone has something to contribute.
1411
01:13:03,005 --> 01:13:05,138
Everyone has a value.
1412
01:13:05,140 --> 01:13:07,641
You must have read our website.
1413
01:13:07,643 --> 01:13:10,344
No, we have a son who attended a school
1414
01:13:10,346 --> 01:13:12,145
that was based on constructivism.
1415
01:13:12,147 --> 01:13:16,916
And we could not be happier with the way he turned out.
1416
01:13:16,918 --> 01:13:17,586
Cheers.
1417
01:13:23,193 --> 01:13:25,326
I think you made a very good impression.
1418
01:13:25,328 --> 01:13:26,661
Thank you so much.
1419
01:13:26,663 --> 01:13:28,261
You're welcome, keep it up.
1420
01:13:28,263 --> 01:13:32,132
And by the way, your in-laws are fabulous.
1421
01:13:32,134 --> 01:13:33,501
Yeah, they're something.
1422
01:13:33,503 --> 01:13:34,602
Oh, my daughter's here!
1423
01:13:34,604 --> 01:13:36,103
She's visiting from Morgantown.
1424
01:13:36,105 --> 01:13:37,170
Hi, honey.
1425
01:13:37,172 --> 01:13:38,071
Hey, Mom.
1426
01:13:38,073 --> 01:13:39,339
Hi, sweetie.
1427
01:13:39,341 --> 01:13:41,575
Charlotte Conroy, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter,
1428
01:13:41,577 --> 01:13:44,144
Anais, and her husband, Steven.
1429
01:13:44,146 --> 01:13:45,245
Hi, there.
1430
01:13:45,247 --> 01:13:46,381
Steven.
1431
01:13:46,383 --> 01:13:47,315
So predictable.
1432
01:13:47,317 --> 01:13:48,583
Sex, missionary position.
1433
01:13:52,322 --> 01:13:53,388
Asshole!
1434
01:13:53,390 --> 01:13:55,358
Pleasure to meet you.
1435
01:13:57,160 --> 01:13:59,429
Purse is in the dishwasher.
1436
01:14:05,335 --> 01:14:08,001
Mother, this is wonderful.
1437
01:14:08,003 --> 01:14:10,304
So lovely what you put together here.
1438
01:14:10,306 --> 01:14:12,373
Grilled shrimp?
1439
01:14:12,375 --> 01:14:14,275
I guess it must have taken you a very long time
1440
01:14:14,277 --> 01:14:15,544
to ride back from Rwanda.
1441
01:14:15,546 --> 01:14:16,413
Ah!
1442
01:14:20,550 --> 01:14:22,986
Sorry, will you excuse me.
1443
01:14:28,525 --> 01:14:31,259
Hey, honey, look at that.
1444
01:14:31,261 --> 01:14:33,462
Let's go for a walk.
1445
01:14:33,464 --> 01:14:35,297
Hey, you feelin' okay?
1446
01:14:35,299 --> 01:14:36,498
Do you wanna play doctor?
1447
01:14:36,500 --> 01:14:39,066
Okay, Charlotte, what is going on here?
1448
01:14:39,068 --> 01:14:40,235
I forgot to feed my cat.
1449
01:14:40,237 --> 01:14:41,104
Oh, boy!
1450
01:14:41,772 --> 01:14:43,641
Charlotte, talk to me.
1451
01:14:45,342 --> 01:14:46,610
Charlotte, hey.
1452
01:14:48,512 --> 01:14:49,778
Brandon.
1453
01:14:49,780 --> 01:14:51,547
What the hell are you two doing here?
1454
01:14:51,549 --> 01:14:52,614
We came to help Charlotte.
1455
01:14:52,616 --> 01:14:54,315
This is very important to her.
1456
01:14:54,317 --> 01:14:55,249
We know.
1457
01:14:55,251 --> 01:14:56,350
We know everything.
1458
01:14:56,352 --> 01:14:57,553
That's why we come here,
1459
01:14:57,555 --> 01:14:59,221
we don't want you to make a terrible mistake
1460
01:14:59,223 --> 01:15:01,023
and throw away your soul partner before the cosmos...
1461
01:15:01,025 --> 01:15:01,623
Wait a second.
1462
01:15:01,625 --> 01:15:03,060
Wait a minute.
1463
01:15:06,564 --> 01:15:07,796
Are you two high?
1464
01:15:07,798 --> 01:15:08,630
Brandon!
1465
01:15:08,632 --> 01:15:09,498
Of course we are.
1466
01:15:09,500 --> 01:15:11,166
Oh my god.
1467
01:15:11,168 --> 01:15:12,201
You don't think that we would turn up
1468
01:15:12,203 --> 01:15:14,203
to something like this straight.
1469
01:15:14,205 --> 01:15:16,371
We've been fighting these people our entire lives
1470
01:15:16,373 --> 01:15:18,273
with their bourgeoisie pretentiousness.
1471
01:15:18,275 --> 01:15:19,541
And anal bleaching.
1472
01:15:19,543 --> 01:15:21,277
Would you folks care for some conflict-free
1473
01:15:21,279 --> 01:15:23,446
Ugandan artichoke confit on lardo brushed crostini?
1474
01:15:23,448 --> 01:15:24,316
No.
1475
01:15:26,217 --> 01:15:27,284
I'm so sorry.
1476
01:15:37,796 --> 01:15:39,196
Mrs. Conroy.
1477
01:15:40,231 --> 01:15:41,764
How's the new bride?
1478
01:15:41,766 --> 01:15:43,632
Couldn't be better.
1479
01:15:43,634 --> 01:15:46,402
Do I sense trouble in paradise?
1480
01:15:46,404 --> 01:15:47,437
Not now, Steven.
1481
01:15:47,439 --> 01:15:49,839
Charlotte, this isn't you.
1482
01:15:49,841 --> 01:15:50,673
What?
1483
01:15:50,675 --> 01:15:51,708
What do you mean?
1484
01:15:51,710 --> 01:15:52,878
I am so sorry.
1485
01:15:54,479 --> 01:15:58,281
I hurt you very badly and your life has taken an ugly turn,
1486
01:15:58,283 --> 01:15:59,317
I apologize.
1487
01:16:00,485 --> 01:16:04,253
You obviously married the first guy you met after me.
1488
01:16:04,255 --> 01:16:05,555
Where was it?
1489
01:16:05,557 --> 01:16:06,789
A dating website?
1490
01:16:06,791 --> 01:16:08,491
Singles bar?
1491
01:16:08,493 --> 01:16:09,693
Old Navy?
1492
01:16:09,695 --> 01:16:10,663
No, eBay.
1493
01:16:12,397 --> 01:16:13,631
Good god.
1494
01:16:13,633 --> 01:16:15,431
You bought a husband online?
1495
01:16:15,433 --> 01:16:19,502
No, we met online, and then fell in love and got married.
1496
01:16:19,504 --> 01:16:21,872
And not after 14 years, Steven.
1497
01:16:21,874 --> 01:16:25,174
Not all the changes are bad.
1498
01:16:25,176 --> 01:16:26,211
The clothes.
1499
01:16:27,245 --> 01:16:28,113
The hair.
1500
01:16:30,382 --> 01:16:33,284
Do you think about me, Charlotte?
1501
01:16:33,286 --> 01:16:35,886
'Cause I think about you.
1502
01:16:35,888 --> 01:16:37,321
Of course, I think about you.
1503
01:16:37,323 --> 01:16:40,125
We spent half our lives together.
1504
01:16:50,770 --> 01:16:52,402
The whale song.
1505
01:16:52,404 --> 01:16:54,571
The whale song, the mating cry of the humpback.
1506
01:16:54,573 --> 01:16:56,272
Let's get you into the house, mother,
1507
01:16:56,274 --> 01:16:59,278
and you can take a nice little nap.
1508
01:17:00,881 --> 01:17:02,580
How dare you?
1509
01:17:02,582 --> 01:17:04,183
Let's go, mother.
1510
01:17:05,484 --> 01:17:08,287
Oh, I miss your father so much!
1511
01:17:10,923 --> 01:17:12,323
Steven?
1512
01:17:12,325 --> 01:17:13,192
Yes.
1513
01:17:14,360 --> 01:17:16,295
You're such an asshole.
1514
01:17:17,763 --> 01:17:19,763
Is that all it took?
1515
01:17:19,765 --> 01:17:22,434
You want me now that I'm with someone else?
1516
01:17:22,436 --> 01:17:23,868
There's more to it than that, Charlotte.
1517
01:17:23,870 --> 01:17:25,336
Oh yeah, really, like what?
1518
01:17:25,338 --> 01:17:26,571
And you'd really better be quick
1519
01:17:26,573 --> 01:17:28,673
because my husband is right outside that door.
1520
01:17:28,675 --> 01:17:31,776
And your wife, that poor woman.
1521
01:17:31,778 --> 01:17:33,745
I mean, you don't even understand.
1522
01:17:33,747 --> 01:17:37,683
Anais, she is so spontaneous and unpredictable.
1523
01:17:39,318 --> 01:17:41,485
One minute, we're snowboarding in Telluride,
1524
01:17:41,487 --> 01:17:45,757
the next we are making love in a Mexican agave field.
1525
01:17:45,759 --> 01:17:47,859
I miss your predictability.
1526
01:17:47,861 --> 01:17:51,463
I miss the quiet, boring times, the unimaginative sex,
1527
01:17:51,465 --> 01:17:52,697
all of it.
1528
01:17:52,699 --> 01:17:55,736
I never appreciated it until it was gone.
1529
01:17:57,203 --> 01:17:59,771
Well, it's not coming back.
1530
01:17:59,773 --> 01:18:00,641
Ever.
1531
01:18:01,775 --> 01:18:04,778
Hey, hey, I just got a new job in DC.
1532
01:18:05,612 --> 01:18:07,912
Let's leave these two horrible,
1533
01:18:07,914 --> 01:18:12,350
disgusting mistakes behind and get back to our old lives.
1534
01:18:12,352 --> 01:18:14,653
My husband is not a mistake.
1535
01:18:14,655 --> 01:18:16,388
Yes, we rushed into marriage
1536
01:18:16,390 --> 01:18:17,923
and things haven't been perfect
1537
01:18:17,925 --> 01:18:19,959
and after 10 ridiculous days,
1538
01:18:19,961 --> 01:18:23,328
things are just blowing up in our faces, but
1539
01:18:23,330 --> 01:18:26,431
there have been moments, in between all the lies
1540
01:18:26,433 --> 01:18:28,266
and the bullshit where I've loved him more
1541
01:18:28,268 --> 01:18:31,403
than anybody in my entire life.
1542
01:18:31,405 --> 01:18:32,406
Including you.
1543
01:18:34,242 --> 01:18:35,343
So it's over.
1544
01:18:36,844 --> 01:18:37,777
Perfect.
1545
01:18:37,779 --> 01:18:39,011
No, Steven.
1546
01:18:39,013 --> 01:18:42,313
Hey, I dare you to kiss me one more time
1547
01:18:42,315 --> 01:18:45,250
and tell me you don't love me.
1548
01:18:45,252 --> 01:18:46,284
Ow!
1549
01:18:46,286 --> 01:18:47,419
Oh, fuck.
1550
01:18:47,421 --> 01:18:48,353
Sorry, Steven.
1551
01:18:48,355 --> 01:18:51,623
But as we say in the yard, I gotta do me.
1552
01:18:51,625 --> 01:18:54,659
So fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate it!
1553
01:18:54,661 --> 01:18:55,529
Huh!
1554
01:19:04,039 --> 01:19:06,372
Mr. Wooster, I wanna apologize for earlier.
1555
01:19:06,374 --> 01:19:07,540
My wife threw her back out
1556
01:19:07,542 --> 01:19:10,042
and I was giving her an adjustment.
1557
01:19:10,044 --> 01:19:12,311
Anyway, we really love the school
1558
01:19:12,313 --> 01:19:16,348
and we'd like to make a small donation.
1559
01:19:16,350 --> 01:19:20,420
I don't see how that's gonna make any difference.
1560
01:19:21,289 --> 01:19:22,889
This is very generous.
1561
01:19:22,891 --> 01:19:24,057
Thank you very much.
1562
01:19:24,059 --> 01:19:29,363
I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton and tell her the good news.
1563
01:19:30,398 --> 01:19:31,765
Wasn't that check for Brandon?
1564
01:19:31,767 --> 01:19:33,432
Our son's not very good with money anyway
1565
01:19:33,434 --> 01:19:35,401
so it doesn't matter.
1566
01:19:35,403 --> 01:19:37,536
And an investment in her future.
1567
01:19:37,538 --> 01:19:40,508
Is an investment in their future.
1568
01:19:50,352 --> 01:19:52,385
Did you mean what you said in there?
1569
01:19:52,387 --> 01:19:53,553
Yes.
1570
01:19:53,555 --> 01:19:54,423
No, maybe.
1571
01:19:56,825 --> 01:19:57,926
I don't know.
1572
01:20:03,331 --> 01:20:04,064
Hey.
1573
01:20:04,066 --> 01:20:05,198
Hey.
1574
01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:07,633
Wow, looks like you could use a little first aid,
1575
01:20:07,635 --> 01:20:09,103
my friend.
1576
01:20:29,091 --> 01:20:31,558
All hail, all hail the chosen one.
1577
01:20:31,560 --> 01:20:32,559
Who said that?
1578
01:20:32,561 --> 01:20:34,028
It is I my lord,
1579
01:20:34,030 --> 01:20:35,630
Pegaverneius Candoe of the Nexus Space and Guild.
1580
01:20:35,632 --> 01:20:40,134
I have traveled nearly 12 parsecs to find you.
1581
01:20:40,136 --> 01:20:41,102
Okay.
1582
01:20:41,104 --> 01:20:42,435
You are the rightful heir
1583
01:20:42,437 --> 01:20:43,871
to the throne of Nargathus.
1584
01:20:43,873 --> 01:20:46,040
The star child as foretold in our prophesies.
1585
01:20:46,042 --> 01:20:47,742
A magnificent creature of unlimited wisdom
1586
01:20:47,744 --> 01:20:49,476
and breath taking physical perfection.
1587
01:20:49,478 --> 01:20:50,312
Yeah.
1588
01:20:51,580 --> 01:20:52,514
I get that.
1589
01:20:53,883 --> 01:20:55,082
The great epiphany is at hand.
1590
01:20:55,084 --> 01:20:56,750
Reveal your magnificence to the members
1591
01:20:56,752 --> 01:20:58,586
of the Culver City Charter School Board,
1592
01:20:58,588 --> 01:21:00,555
and then the world.
1593
01:21:00,557 --> 01:21:02,824
Let them kowtow at your feet.
1594
01:21:02,826 --> 01:21:04,458
Worship you.
1595
01:21:04,460 --> 01:21:07,096
Tremble at you your unlimited power.
1596
01:21:15,705 --> 01:21:17,872
I must tell you how delighted we all are
1597
01:21:17,874 --> 01:21:22,410
about the substantial donation from your in-laws.
1598
01:21:22,412 --> 01:21:25,047
Well, they are very surprisingly generous people.
1599
01:21:25,049 --> 01:21:25,981
Well, I can tell you,
1600
01:21:25,983 --> 01:21:27,682
there's a lot we can do with those funds.
1601
01:21:27,684 --> 01:21:29,617
Loyal subjects!
1602
01:21:29,619 --> 01:21:31,554
I am your unicorn king!
1603
01:21:32,957 --> 01:21:36,424
By the powers vested in me through the flames of Asinoff,
1604
01:21:36,426 --> 01:21:40,663
I command you, kneel, kneel before your unicorn king.
1605
01:21:42,166 --> 01:21:43,998
That guys I fucking crazy.
1606
01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:47,970
The time in neigh, the season is in bloom,
1607
01:21:47,972 --> 01:21:51,039
I call upon you subjects to step forth
1608
01:21:51,041 --> 01:21:53,376
and harvest this royal seed.
1609
01:22:04,021 --> 01:22:06,989
Steven, what the hell are you doing?
1610
01:22:06,991 --> 01:22:09,693
Fair Anais, Steven is no more.
1611
01:22:12,696 --> 01:22:14,366
Your milk has soured.
1612
01:22:16,167 --> 01:22:17,401
Oh, Momma!
1613
01:22:19,536 --> 01:22:23,540
Look upon me as I raise the imperial scepter.
1614
01:22:26,510 --> 01:22:29,446
Mommy, that man is nasty.
1615
01:22:31,148 --> 01:22:33,184
Prepare to receive me!
1616
01:22:35,486 --> 01:22:36,219
Bam!
1617
01:22:37,756 --> 01:22:40,023
That has to hurt.
1618
01:22:45,696 --> 01:22:47,631
And, as I was saying,
1619
01:22:50,068 --> 01:22:52,501
could you come in on Monday?
1620
01:22:52,503 --> 01:22:54,836
Oh, we would be honored to have a young woman
1621
01:22:54,838 --> 01:22:57,141
of your character at Culver City Charter.
1622
01:22:57,143 --> 01:22:58,275
I'd love to!
1623
01:22:58,277 --> 01:23:00,177
Thank you so much.
1624
01:23:00,179 --> 01:23:01,211
Oh my god, thank you.
1625
01:23:01,213 --> 01:23:02,080
Thank you.
1626
01:23:08,286 --> 01:23:10,954
What in the world got into Steven?
1627
01:23:10,956 --> 01:23:12,188
I don't know.
1628
01:23:12,190 --> 01:23:13,457
Any ideas?
1629
01:23:14,159 --> 01:23:15,792
Food poisoning perhaps?
1630
01:23:15,794 --> 01:23:20,198
I think the artichoke confit looked a little sketchy.
1631
01:23:22,802 --> 01:23:26,270
Since there's no dispute over assets or property,
1632
01:23:26,272 --> 01:23:28,107
just sign and it's done.
1633
01:23:29,241 --> 01:23:33,143
You'll never have to see one another again.
1634
01:23:33,145 --> 01:23:37,281
That line right there, the one with your name next to it.
1635
01:23:37,283 --> 01:23:38,150
I know.
1636
01:23:44,622 --> 01:23:48,995
On second thought, I want the Chinese rocket statue.
1637
01:23:51,664 --> 01:23:52,631
Alrighty.
1638
01:23:53,532 --> 01:23:57,036
If you agree, Mr. Conroy, we're done here.
1639
01:23:59,305 --> 01:24:01,071
No.
1640
01:24:01,073 --> 01:24:03,340
No, I can't part with that.
1641
01:24:03,342 --> 01:24:07,244
Well, what if y'all shared joint custody?
1642
01:24:07,246 --> 01:24:10,148
Each of you take it for a week or two at a time?
1643
01:24:10,150 --> 01:24:12,850
No, that won't work.
1644
01:24:12,852 --> 01:24:15,586
Can you just buy a second statue?
1645
01:24:15,588 --> 01:24:18,289
That way, y'all can each have your own.
1646
01:24:18,291 --> 01:24:19,723
No.
1647
01:24:19,725 --> 01:24:21,694
No, it's one of a kind.
1648
01:24:22,962 --> 01:24:25,162
Well bless your hearts.
1649
01:24:25,164 --> 01:24:27,331
I don't mean to be rude
1650
01:24:27,333 --> 01:24:29,199
but I've gotta be gettin' out to Malibu.
1651
01:24:29,201 --> 01:24:31,735
I'm havin' lunch at Gerard's.
1652
01:24:31,737 --> 01:24:34,172
Try the lobster, it's delicious.
1653
01:24:34,174 --> 01:24:36,174
And not cheap.
1654
01:24:36,176 --> 01:24:38,243
Can we please get this thing goin'?
1655
01:24:38,245 --> 01:24:40,111
Hey, don't rush our divorce, man.
1656
01:24:40,113 --> 01:24:41,346
Yeah.
1657
01:24:41,348 --> 01:24:45,083
You know, maybe we should get lunch, too.
1658
01:24:45,085 --> 01:24:48,253
Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't do this on an empty stomach.
1659
01:24:48,255 --> 01:24:49,354
Right.
1660
01:24:49,356 --> 01:24:50,954
Now, hold on a second.
1661
01:24:50,956 --> 01:24:53,224
What about your signatures?
1662
01:24:53,226 --> 01:24:54,691
Damn it to hell.
1663
01:24:54,693 --> 01:24:57,296
The wheels are comin' off the wagon.
1664
01:24:57,298 --> 01:25:00,399
This divorce is fallin' apart.
1665
01:25:00,401 --> 01:25:03,701
- I blame her. - It's his fault.
1666
01:25:18,251 --> 01:25:19,384
This ends now.
1667
01:25:19,386 --> 01:25:22,388
I'm getting out of here and you're not stopping me!
1668
01:25:24,092 --> 01:25:26,025
An so concludes our story.
1669
01:25:26,027 --> 01:25:27,659
Poor Charlotte and Brandon,
1670
01:25:27,661 --> 01:25:30,296
their journey has taught them nothing.
1671
01:25:30,298 --> 01:25:32,063
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
1672
01:25:32,065 --> 01:25:33,265
Did I slap you too hard?
1673
01:25:33,267 --> 01:25:36,103
Nein baby, it was just right.
1674
01:31:53,620 --> 01:31:55,622
I see you understand sign language.
1675
01:31:55,624 --> 01:31:56,218
Subtitles by explosiveskull
1676
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
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