Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I'm so sorry, this is thestory of Charlotte and Brandon,

they love my TV show.

Oatmeal, exercise,well, sort of.

They both hate sleeping alone.

Beer and hairy nipples.

The good news is theyare a perfect match.

The bad news is,they have never met.

And Charlotte is with Stevenwhile Brandon is with Ashley.

Oh, um.

Well, I can't marry you

because I'm marryingsomeone else in May.

You don't evenhave a boyfriend.

Well, actually I do.

We've been together sincehigh school, for 14 years.

It's just that he's beenliving very far away

and now, he's moving backso we can be together.

14 years?

Sounds like commitment issues.

No, it's justthat he was waiting

until we were both ready.

Why am I defendingmyself to a first grader?

Well, when it all falls apart,you know where to find me.

Look, Lance, we'vedone all the graphics

for your packaging and printsads at very reasonable rates.

We've created the signaturelook for Be Yourself Cosmetics.

Now, it's great that yournephew's a whiz at Photoshop

but believe me,there's just so much...

Screw you, Lance!

And your oxymoronicallynamed product

and your muttonheadedfucktard nephew!

Christ, are you off your meds?

That's our biggest account!

He's an asshole,Brandon, asshole.

Bro, I went to RISDwith Seth MacFarlane,

I don't need that shit!

That asshole was payingoff my student loans.

Yeah, and our bills.

Shit!

You think you can gethim back on the phone?

I'm stillhere you broke bitches.

For you.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

You're apretty decent drawer.

Thank you.

You know, I've been calledthe Vermeer of napkin art.

Who?

Did I leave my amethystnecklace at your place?

Yeah, yeah, think Isaw it in the bathroom.

Okay, remind me toget that from you.

So, my boss gave us free tickets

to the Charger's game Sunday.

Wanna go?

The 405 on a Sunday?

Okay, I'll drive.

Yeah, you know I'm notreally into drunk crowds

and football, or people.

Of course.

What's that mean?

You know, I have datedguys with commitment issues.

Lot's of them.

Pretty standard stuff, but you,

I can't even get you tocommit to a football game.

Well, I don't like football.

It's not that,it's everything.

You won't go to Coachella.

You won't move in together

because that wouldbe moving too fast.

You won't even bookthat cruise next summer

because a lot canhappen in six months!

Those ticketsare non-refundable.

And you're a cheapskate!

Which is why I thoughtyou'd like the free tickets

in the first place!

I'm not cheap,my money's tied up.

And I can't go to the game

because I wanna start trainingfor that Rwanda charity ride.

You know, wherepeople are dying.

Yeah, like that'sgonna happen.

Ashley, Ashley.

Okay, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Let's do it Ashley, you andme, Coachella next year.

Ugh!

Oh, my god.

You have to see this house.

It has an entertainment roomthat would be so perfect

for you to haveyour buddies over

so you can watch yourfootball matches, and then...

It's games, it's not matches.

Uhm, anyway, there'sa chef's kitchen,

newly remodeled bathrooms,

there's a study that wouldmake a perfect nursery.

I think maybe we shouldhold off on the house.

Why?

I just got here, youknow, starting a new job.

There's a lot to figure out.

You don't have tofigure us out, right?

You do?

Now, Charlotte,just wait a minute.

No, no, no no, no,I am not waiting.

I waited through college,through med school

and through your residency.

That was the plan.

I know, I know, andyou've been so great

through all of that.

Is there someone else?

Is it that Nurse Newcombe?

No, no way.

Well, then what is it?

It's just, you,

so predictable.

Wha, wha, wha, what the heckdoes that mean?

Up every morning at 6:00 a.m.,the same Honey Nut Oatmeal,

you're off to work, back home,then in bed at 10 o'clock.

You don't follow sports.

Sex, missionary positionwith the lights off.

There's no surprises.

I'm bored out of my mind.

Well, I didn't know itwas so horrible for you.

Well that explains theengagement ring,

the promise ring and thepre-promise ring.

14 years, Steven!

In hindsight, I probablyshould have done this sooner.

Did you bring me up hereso I wouldn't make a scene?

Because I am gonna make a scene.

I'm gonna telleverybody in town.

I'm gonna announceit in church...

Charlotte,

- would you please just...- I'm gonna put posters up...

Hey, calm downand hydrate, please.

Don't you tell me tohydrate, you jackass!

Steven, are you okay?

Fuck no!

We find thedefendant, Charlotte Wells,

guilty of criminalassault and battery.

If you completecommunity service,

anger managementclasses and probation,

the felony chargewill be expunged.

Sentence is 30 days in jail.

Don't tell me howto live my life.

Yes sir, motherfucker.

Goddamn fucking shit.

I gotta do me, fuck all y'allif you can't appreciate!

Step off!

Who do you think youare, Princess Elsa?

It's not goddamn Arendelle.

Skinny ass bitch!

Ash?

Ashley?

Oh, yeah

Give it baby

That's what I'mtalking about, baby

Ow, ow, hot, hot, hot.

I'm on fire.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody'searning their lunch money.

Oh, yeah.

Jesus, Brandon,what can I say?

She's a treacherous whore,you're better off without her.

You're gonna giveyourself a heart attack.

What've you gone,

a mile and a half?

Shit, you're in terrible shape.

I bought this bikeso that I could get fit

and do the Rwanda ride.

You ever seen me on it?

No.

The whore's right, Dan.

I can't commit toanything, especially women.

Which explains whyI've had 50 girlfriends

in the past 10 years.

I can get 'em butI can't keep 'em.

I want a lasting love, Dan.

I wanna be married.

You have had a run oflousy luck with women.

Luck has nothing todo with it, it's me.

It has to be me.

I have to change, Dan.

Come on champ, you stink,let's go get a shower.

Welcome home, girl.

Oh my god!

Ow!

- Oh, my god.- Ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow!

I'm so sorry.

Carly, I'm so sorry,it's my prison reflexes.

Fuck that hurt!

Oh my god, you are so strong.

Is it sick that I envy you?

You're an ass kicker now.

You look great,you've lost weight.

Man, I wanna go to jail.

Oh yeah, everybodyshould, and it's so simple.

All you have to do isspend half your life

in a disastrous relationshipand commit a felony.

Okay, none ofwhich was your fault.

It was all my fault.

Look, okay, I read onlinethat the average woman

will have four seriousrelationship before she gets

married. So, at therate you're going,

you're not gonna getmarried till like you're 84.

You need to get rightback on the horse.

How?

I have nothing to offer.

Men just want some spontaneous,

unpredictable sexual deviant.

Girl, you're givingmen too much credit.

They're simple beasts.

All's they crave issex, sports, beer, food

and sometimes a little anal.

Really?

Really.

Really?

Really.

Okay, if that's what men want,

then that is whatI'm gonna give them.

Except that last part,not gonna happen.

SCHWEITZER POLIZEIFRAU: Yeah, yeah,

we've all seen themakeover sequence

so I won't bore you with it.

Kapernick, Manning,Brees, cradle the balls!

Work the shaft!

Yes!

You are now an expert on men.

All right, this is allthe shit that he gave you

over the last 14 years.

Throw away, sell online and,

whatever the fuck this is.

Yeah, he got it at anInfectious Diseases Conference

in Shanghai.

I kinda like it.

It's going.

Yeah, this is disgusting.

Hmm.

Wow, so you're agraphic designer,

you must be really artistic.

Well, I have been calledthe Vermeer of napkin art.

Wait, what are you watching?

Oh, it's this, this silly show

about this Swisspolice woman who is...

Schweizer Polizei Frau?

You know it?

Ja!

I binge-watched all sevenseasons in like six days.

Yeah, I'm on season four.

Oh, there's greatones coming up.

We talked lastnight for four hours.

I think he's a really nice guy.

Oh.

Do you think I shouldtell him about Steven?

If you never wannahear from him again.

Dating one guy your wholelife might come off a little...

- Sad?- Freakish.

Like you were raised ona polygamist compound.

Don't show him thewoman you were,

show him the womanyou're going to be.

You mean lie?

Hell yes, lie.

Don't tell her you have56K in student loans.

Tell her you havea 10 inch schlong

and you're the heirto Walmart fortune.

It's the internet.

If you're not lying,your not trying.

Hey, hey!

My last boyfriend? Uh...

Let's see, I was withhim for 14 months.

Wow, so brief.

Well, how long do yourrelationships only last for?

Uh, you know, two,

three years.

So, you haven't beenwith that many women.

A handful.

You know, for me, it's moreabout quality than quantity.

My biggest fault?

Sometimes, I givetoo much, you know,

whether it's workor relationships.

I'm all in, kind of a warpspeed ahead kinda guy.

And sometimes, I'm sospontaneous and unpredictable

that people find it exhausting.

But I'm working on that.

I mean maybe 'cause I'm country

but there's nothing likea cold brewski, right?

Hell yeah.

Steelers baby!

Big Ben is my boy.

The San Diego Super Chargers!

Well, you're lookingat the two-time

salsa dancing championof West Virginia.

Look, I'm not saying I'mLance Armstrong or anything,

I'm kinda on thelevel just below him,

but cycling is my passion.

God, you're foodlooks amazing,

where did you learn to cook?

Oh please, look at you,

making your ownpasta from scratch?

You have beautiful eyes.

You have a very sexy smile.

Salut.

Saluts.

Oh, oh, god!

Hey.

Ah, no, no!

No, it's not what you think.

I just, I didn't havetime to get dressed before...

Me too.

I want you.

Come to LA.

I'll pay for the ticket.

Look, I want to so bad,but I looked into tickets,

they are $700.

Or we could split it,

if it feels like Icoming on too strong.

This is gonna be so amazing!

Oh my god, I can'tbelieve I'm here.

I can'tbelieve you're here.

Oh, Ilove your car.

Thanks.

So that's the GettyVilla, right there.

J. Paul Getty was theworld's richest man

but he had a pay phonefor all his house guests.

Oh god, what a cheapskate.

I hate that!

Yeah.

Me too.

Hey, isn't that,that restaurant

where all thecelebrities hang out?

Yeah.

Haveyou ever been there?

Sure.

Oh, I bet it's amazing.

It's gettin'kinda chilly, huh.

- Yeah.- Wanna head back?

Sure.

Or, we could jump in the water.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

Come on, Charlotte, youjust ate five course meal,

you're not going for a swim.

No, come on, let's do it.

I've never even beenin the ocean before

and it would justbe like absolutely...

Hey, hey, listen to me.

We're not jumping off the pier.

Oh, my god.

Okay, you are completely insane!

Really?

Yes, you're crazy.

And you are the mostexciting guy I've ever met.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, Carly, let'ssee what you got me.

How does...

I don't even...

I'm not using that.

I've seen thicker dental floss.

You are one sexybitch, Charlotte.

And you've had sexwith a thousand men.

With a hundred men.

23, eight, eight.

You're gonna go in there andbe just a super sexy lady.

God, I look like mymom with these things.

Ow!

Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

So you like it rough?

Huh, oh no, I was just...

'Cause I can be really rough.

Oh yeah, no, I'm rough,I'm like super rough.

Like this kinda rough?

Ah!

Oh!

Goin' for the sexy proctologist,yeah, no I dig that.

Yeah?

Is that all you got?

You're in luck'cause his two friends

just decided to join the party.

What're you thinking?

I was just thinking, uhm

I was just wondering,

if it's too soon totell him that um,

he's just the kind of manI've always wanted to be with.

Confident and uhm,

unhesitating,

sure of what he wants.

Extremely handsome.

Well.

And um,

it's gonna break my heartto get back on that plane.

Well, that's funny actually,

because I wasthinking that she is

the most exciting

and spontaneous person

I've met in my entire life.

Not to mention gorgeous,bombshell, knockout

and blonde too, themost blonde person.

And I was actually wondering

if it's too soonto give her this.

And to tell her that I love her.

I know this ismoving insanely fast

but she's not likethe women here.

Is that a heel mark?

She's sexy and smart

and we just havethis, this connection!

What did you geton my upholstery?

Oh, that's just saltwater.

Is that what thekids are calling it?

You desecrated the Stang!

Dude, I'll get itwashed and waxed.

Are you listening to whatI'm saying, I'm in love.

I can clearly seethat you're excited

and I'm very happyfor you, really I am.

Okay yes.

You might wanna keepthis for your scrap book.

Oh, yes.

That's her neck.

Just smell that.

- No.- Just smell.

- It's just a neck.- It's not..

- It's a neutral zone.- This is not appropriate.

Oh god, that's good.

And, did you do thethings that we talked about?

We did things noone talks about.

Ooh, and how did that go?

He gave me this.

Oh, my god.

And he told methat he loves me.

Oh, my god!

I know, and I toldhim I love him too

which I know seemslike crazy and rushed

but it was just so magical.

That no good mother.

You know, good for him.

Good for him, hedeserves to be happy.

Char...

I know what you're gonnasay and I'm gonna be fine

because I'm happyand he's happy.

- Charlotte!- And everybody's happy.

Charlotte!

It's gonna be,

oh my god!

Asshole!

No, you cannot cause anavalanche just by yodeling.

No, I am telling you,it is completely possible.

You can't.

And even if you could,

you can't make it fall righton a fleeing bank robber.

Schweizer Polizei Frau can.

Yeah well.

Hey, I made something at worktoday, you mind taking a look?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, is that me?

Lookin' good.

Oh, thank you, it's beautiful.

It would be the mostunpredictable thing ever.

It would be theultimate commitment.

Geronimo!

We want a divorce.

Between the two of ya?

Yep.

Well, I'll be, usually,

I represent only oneparty's interests.

We have the same interest.

An immediate divorce.

Well then, I reckonwe oughta discuss

dividin' property, assets...

We don't have any.

How long you two been hitched?

BRANDON ANDCHARLOTTE: 10 days.

10 days?

Oh!

Thank you so much, Carly.

Thanks, Carly, it's awesome!

Oh, and that is from us.

Oh.

Thank you.

Aw, thank you very much, that'sso sweet, Jerry and Judy.

Thanks, Mom, thanks,Dad, that's uh.

No, the peopleof Tibet thank you.

It's such a noblegesture in your name.

Though it has none ofthe bourgeoisie cache

of a shiny kitchen appliance.

Anyway, speakingof exotic places,

have you guys finally decided

where you're gonnatake your honeymoon?

Not yet, I'm startteaching really soon

and we have to find a biggerapartment or maybe a house.

Oh.

So we have toput that on hold.

No, no, no, you must dosomething special, Brandon.

Sri Lanka is lovely.

As far as exploited,underdeveloped

island nations go.

It's really the sad teardropof the Indian subcontinent.

But the beaches are beautiful.

Well, that soundsfun, right, honey?

Oh yeah, it's just a shameabout all the tsunamis.

I'll tell you whatthough, for special,

there's some really great spots

right within driving distance.

I mean, San Diego,Santa Barbara, Pismo.

Oh, what about you?

Where'd you two goon your honeymoon?

Jail.

He's not kidding.

After we exchanged our vows,

we went off to a No Nukes rally,

she acted up and thepo-po picked us up

and threw us bothin the slammer.

So you spent yourwhole honeymoon in jail?

We had only knowneach other 10 days

so every minute we spenttogether was like a honeymoon.

And we actually managed to slipa little connubial bliss in

right under the man's nose.

So we were inadjacent cells, right,

and right after all of theother inmates went to sleep,

my beautiful bride, shebacked her tight little rump

right up against the bars,

I dropped trou and we madethe sweetest, sweetest love.

Oh, oh, Christ,I need a drink!

Being an only child andlosing both my parents,

I definitely want a big family,like three or four kids.

You know, they say, itcosts over a quarter million

to raise a child andthat's before college.

You can't put aprice tag on happiness.

True but I was an onlychild and I have to say,

I was very happy.

Oh come on, Brandon.

You use to always wanta younger brother.

And a matter of fact,Brandon was an accident.

We thought long and hard

about whether or notwe should keep him.

You were gonna puthim up for adoption?

Oh god no, I wouldn'thave the heart for that.

We were gonna abort him.

Jesus.

But we were in Burma,

we couldn't find anyoneto perform the procedure.

Thank god.

I think we madethe right decision.

I do too.

Most of the time.

Oh, Jerry.

Hey, you know, webetter get going,

we got a flight to catch, wegotta get to Buenos Aries.

Oh, leaving so soon?

We're gonna the Antarctica,

we're gonna scuttle someJapanese whale killers.

If it were up to me,

I'd have those boatssunk in the ocean

and have any remainingsurvivors fed to the sharks.

I hear you, Irespect your feelings.

Now, get you things wegotta go, we gonna be late.

Charlotte, it's beenso lovely meeting you.

Likewise.

Carly, till next time.

Okay, let's go.

She gets so blood thirstywhen it comes to the Japanese.

Those are someweird fucking people.

Okay, I don'tknow, they're unique.

It's kinda refreshing.

You need to be thankful

that their DNAskipped a generation.

But isn't, Brandon'spretty amazing, right?

You did good, girl.

And he can't freak if he findsout that you're a jail bird.

'Cause with parents like that,

he was probablyconceived in the joint.

Why would you tellCharlotte the Stang is yours?

You're the onewho told me to lie.

When you're trying tolure her to the honey pot!

You can't keep it goingnow that you're married.

It's insane.

Just let me break itto her slowly, okay?

Can you go along withit for a couple weeks?

Come on man, youhave another car.

Please, I'll owe you.

With what?

You don't have any money.

Which you also told menot to tell her about.

And now she's talking abouthoneymoons and houses and kids.

Well, you screwed up,man, you took my advice.

Okay, okay, okay okay,you can take the Stang

for a couple more weeks but, but

if I see you driveit more than twice,

I will bring downyour house of cards.

Understood, thanks.

I'll see you at dinner.

No, this is yours now,you have to take care of it!

Oh!

Our first dinner partyas a married couple.

Yeah.

What are you making?

Well, I thought maybe youcould make your homemade pasta.

I remember on our honeymoon,we went to a movie in Maui

and Dan was playingwith his wedding ring,

it fell off androlled down the floor.

Ting, ting, ting, ting.

We had to wait tillthe movie was over

and then search throughall this popcorn

and crud and found itin a puddle of Pepsi.

She was really mad.

And then the nextweek, he does it again!

And she punched meright in the dick.

You're lucky Ididn't divorce you.

It turned out he doneit intentionally.

Well yeah, so I hadtied it to a string

and I was pulling it alongand she kept going after it.

That was really.

Oh god, weren't you furious?

Yes.

But then I realizedthat this is who Dan is

and that's why I love him.

That's why she loves me.

He's a lovable jackass.

My ass is very jacked.

Moving on!

Brandon, what isyour biggest regret?

My choice of best friends.

I was just being honest.

I'm just being honest.

I guess maybe notvisiting my grandpa enough

before he died.

He was living inthis nursing home

like a mile from our house and,

I don't know, Iguess I was too busy

being a teenager or something.

Anyway, I hope he forgave me.

Of course he did.

He knew you loved him.

Okay, I gonna saywhat we're all thinking.

Four-way.

Hey!

Hey, how come you neverwear that necklace I gave you?

Don't you like it?

I love it.

I absolutely love it.

And you know what else I love?

That pretty little ass of yours.

You remember the three amigos?

Arriba!

Whoo!

Schweitzer Polizei Frau.

What are you working on?

Welfare application.

You?

Suicide note.

Touche.

You know, screw it!

I guess I'm gonna callthat slimy prick Matthew

and see if he'llthrow us a bone.

Oh man, that's gonna suck.

You just know he's gonna makeyou feel like a pathetic,

shit-eating failure.

I'll call for you.

I'm just so glad I found it.

I had to go to 10 differentstores to find it,

and it cost $1,200.

Oh, at that price,

I think I would havejust come clean.

Yeah, I wanted to but hespent so much money on it,

and, I don't know, hepicked it out himself

which I think is very sweet, so.

So, youmust be looking forward

to getting back to work, huh?

Yes, I'm so excited to beback in the classroom with kids.

It's gonna be nice to haveincome coming in, too.

Speaking of which,I was thinking

that we could startplanning our honeymoon.

You know, maybe goon my spring break.

What do you think about Aruba?

Yeah, that's fine.

But what aboutCatalina Island, huh?

It's 26 miles across thesea, it is beautiful.

It's, uh, I mean, it'swhere Natalie Wood drowned.

Sounds romantic.

Hey, you know what?

I think we have to havea couple drinks tonight.

- Yeah?- To celebrate

your last coupleof days of leisure.

What do you say?

I like that.

Let me do that.

All right, get outthere, make me proud,

show me some of those tricks.

Achtung, ladies and gentlemen,

he's about to shame,bruise and soil himself.

Fuck!

Oh my god,Barndon, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah,no, I meant to do that.

Oh god.

Hey Brandon.

I brought you a littlesomethin' for the newlyweds.

Oh Mel, thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Shots.

To all your lucky students.

To my sweet husbandand all my bros and hoes.

Yeah!

Excuse meladies and gentlemen,

can I get CharlotteConroy on the dance floor?

What?

Did he say my name?

I guess.

What did you tell him?

Yeah, everyone, put yourhands together right here,

Miss Charlotte, thedancing machine, Conroy,

salsa champion, worldchampion in the house tonight!

That's you.

What did you tell him?

I may haveexaggerated a little.

I know you didn't wannashow off at the wedding

but now I get to see your stuff!

Yeah!

SCHWEITZER POLIZEIFRAU: And that is all

the salsa Charlotte knows,

but tragically, she dances on.

Well look who's here.

The asshole who almostsmothered me to death.

Ashley?

You would still hang outhere, you cheap bastard.

I'm just kidding.

I come here too.

Ashley, I am...

You, are not stillmad at me, are you?

Okay, Charlotte, thankyou, thank you very much.

Very interesting dance.

Hey, honey.

Who's your friend?

Ashley.

Charlotte, Charlotte Conroy.

Who's that, your sister?

No, his wife.

I'm sorry, you're married?

Since when?

Four days ago.

We used to date until hewent all fainting goat on,

what the fuck?

That's my necklace!

Oh shit.

What the hell, Brandon?

Brandon?

Yeah, I left it at his place.

He never gave it back to me.

Is that true?

Told ya.

This isn't your necklace.

The hell it isn't.

Okay.

No, Ithink your necklace

I ground up in thegarbage disposal.

Bullshit!

Listen,I was freaked out

because I found out myex-fiance was getting married.

Ex-fiance?

Okay, like you havethe right to speak,

you gave this skank's necklace!

Oh my god, this is hilarious.

You wanna know what I think?

You're not gonna do anything?

Stop!

Look at it this way,most women our age

have a lot of wearand tear on 'em

but you got her fromthe original owner.

She's in mint condition.

Anyway, you really trumpedher on that necklace debacle.

What were you thinking?

I don't know, man.

Never the twain shall meet?

Okay, once, whenRita and I were married

for maybe two months, sheasked me if this dress

she was wearing madeher butt look big.

I told her, yes, butI like big butts.

You know, I'm a black man.

It nearly ruined us.

But it didn't.

It took some work andthat's what you gotta do, man.

You gotta make somegrand gesture, all right?

Something repentant and sweet.

Maybe a little patheticthrown in there

and with any luck, it willall be forgotten about.

In a few years.

Come on.

God, it was so humiliating.

So youboth screwed up.

You each take agimme and move on.

I just got an email from him.

Oh my gosh, it's so sweet!

He just sent methe cutest apology.

See?

He's a peach.

Do something nice for himtonight, like really nice.

Did you get thatlink I sent you?

Oh, that site was nasty.

Exactly.

Not in the bedroom.

Lower.

This is ridiculous.

They've been makingthis racket for hours.

What the hell arethey trying to prove?

Dan, maybe youshould come to bed.

Yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Oh my god.

Oh, that was incredible.

Okay, I gotta pee.

I'm sure it's nothing serious.

You haven't had problemsdown their before, have you?

Never.

Brandon Conroy.

Hello Mr. Conroy.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Sahni.

Oh, yeah, I normallysee Dr. Kurtzman?

Oh, he retired fiveor six months ago.

This is my first week.

Welcome.

So, what's the problem?

It's like someone took asand blaster to my boom stick.

Let's have a look.

Oh my god.

This looks like something I saw

in my tropical disease seminar.

How long's it been like this?

Just since this morning.

And before that,was your penis normal

or has it alwaysbeen disfigured?

Normal, it's normal.

Do you work withtoxic chemicals?

No.

Have you recently spenttime in the African bush?

No.

Have you had sex with anyprostitutes from that region?

No!

Any exposure to monkey feces?

Monkey feces?

So, no interspeciesintercourse?

Oh, for fuck, no!

Mr. Conroy, I'mgoing to need the names

of your sexual partners.

Get Dr. Palmer down here rightaway to look at Mr. Conroy.

We have a possible miasmicSTD of unknown origin.

Is it that serious?

He's had sex with 21 womenin the last four years.

Go, go, go.

I've never seenanything like this before.

It looks like a mixof genital herpes,

syphilis and a gun shot wound.

Maybe it's a mutant hybrid?

You ask him about money feces?

I did, and negative.

Sterile swab.

Whoa.

What's up with the swab?

I'm gonna insert this intoyour urethra, get a culture,

run a test and seeif we can figure out

what's goin' on with you, okay?

'Kay.

Hmm.

Oh god.

There we go.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, we got another one.

No that's good.

I'm sure that's fine.

Come on, the threesecond rule, right?

It's okay, let's trythis again, shall we?

Please no.

Hey.

Oh sweetie, thankgod you're here.

How you doing, honey?

They don't know what I have.

Oh, I'm sureeverything will be okay

once they figure outwhich one of your 21 sluts

gave you the disease!

Whatever happened toquality over quantity?

The numbers don't matter,I always wore condoms.

Except with you.

Oh please!

I only slept withone man for 14 years.

But who did hesleep with, huh?

You're so full of shit!

I'm his wife!

Oh yes, I imagined so.

I'm Dr. Dietz, now let's see

what all thisexcitement's about.

You already checked formonkey feces, right?

I did.

Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.

Oh god.

Shit.

Commonly known ashoneymoon disease

from too much intensesexual activity.

You just need to givethe little fellow a rest.

Avoid sex for four or five days.

Only touch it whenabsolutely necessary

and you'll be rightas rain in no time.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, thank you.

You can put that down.

I'm sorry.

So, let me get this straight,

they swabbed your schlongtwice, yet they didn't have to?

Yeah.

Oh boy, that is marriagein a nutshell, ain't it?

Mrs. Halvorsen, I was justgetting ready for tomorrow.

I'm afraid there's a problem.

We just received yourbackground check.

You were arrested for a felony.

But I received adeferred adjudication.

I wasn't convicted.

I was still able toteach in West Virginia.

Obviously we hold ahigher standard here

at Van Nuys Christian.

I'm an excellent teacher,I've been teaching for...

I'm sorry.

Maybe if you hadn'tbeen dishonest,

but we're going to have toterminate your contract.

I'm sorry, Ididn't mean to lie,

I was just trying tomake a good impression.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to Jesus.

You're still upset aboutwhat happened yesterday,

aren't you?

Yeah, I mean no.

Look, we've bothmake mistakes and,

I don't think weshould judge each other

for things thathappened before we met.

Yeah, no, I completely agree.

The past is the past and weshould just be looking forward

to the road ahead together.

At least it's allout in the open now.

Look, I wanna tell you,

I need to tell you

that I agree 100%.

Good.

Oh, this is one ofmy favorite episodes.

Have you seen this one?

No.

Oh, this is classic.

Ah, I won a Golden Heidi

for that episode.

I'll be right back.

Hey, packed yourlunch for you.

Oh my god, wheredid you find this?

I made it.

Knock 'em dead, honey.

I feel like sucha scam artist.

I'm not built for thiskind of deception.

Okay well, why don't you justfind another job real quick

and then tell Brandonyou got a better offer?

Finding one's not the problem.

I got an interview at 12, Ijust, I mean what's the point?

They'll just vet me too.

No one's gonna let a low downex-con near their children.

Hmm.

Oh, I got it!

Okay, your middlename is Lauren, right?

So why don't you spell itL-A-U-R-A-N instead of E-N

and then your recordwon't come up.

Would that really work?

I don't know.

What have you got to lose?

You know what?

Nothing, you're right.

You're absolutely right.

Thank you so much,you're a total genius.

My car won't start.

Okay, why don't you justcall Brandon real quick

and then ask him...

I can't call Brandon

and ask him to takeme to a job interview

when I'm supposed to be ina job that I already have!

Goodbye!

Shit.

Shit.

Hey, Charlotte.

Hey, Dan.

Bye, Dan.

Bye.

No, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no!

Goddammit!

Eight yearsteaching first grade.

Volunteer for the Red Cross.

Girl Scout camp summer leader.

Oh, you went to UWV!

Yeah.

Proud Mountaineer here!

You too?

Teal pride.

Oh, is ProfessorVassic still there?

Oh yes, I lovedhim, he was amazing.

Well, then I know youhave an excellent education.

Actually Mrs. Newton,

there's somethingI need to tell you.

Hey, Brandon.

Hey, bro.

Look, there's no easyway to say this, man.

A senior projectmanager over at Plan C

is moving to London,

so Matthew called andoffered me the job.

What can I say, man?

I'm a weasel.

I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.

Well, thanks.

No bullshit, I fought for you.

I swear, man.

Look, I'm old.

I got alimonypayments up the wang.

You can still use theoffice, if you want.

Nah, it's your garage and all.

Yeah, and so, I just wantedto be completely up front.

I appreciate yourcandor, Charlotte.

And I'd like to think we'rea little more forgiving

than the Christians over atVan Nuys Christian School.

So, I'll get back to you.

Oh, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no!

Hi, I need to report astolen, or a missing car.

I don't know where is,

I don't know thelicense plate number.

Look, it's a Mustang,it's really old.

There can't bethat many of them.

Look, I was really hopingyou can help me find this car

before my husband findsout that it's missing.

Oh, my god.

Call Brandon Conroy.

Yeah.

No, stop, stop!

No, please stop, stop!

Hey!

Charlotte, are you okay?

Charlotte!

Charlotte, Charlotte!

Dan.

Dan, somethinghorrible has happened.

What?

Brandon's Mustang was stolen!

No, not the Mustang!

Yeah, he is gonna be furious.

Did you call the police?

Yes and when I didn't knowthe license plate number,

they just laughed at me.

Do you happen toknow the number?

Yes, I do.

Why does he have thatstupid car anyways?

But I thought you loved it.

Yeah, I mean it's fun tocruise around in sometimes

but I mean come on,it's ridiculous.

It's just someloud, gas guzzling,

middle-aged-mobile formen with tiny dicks.

Come with me.

Charlotte Conroy,I need to see her!

Oh my god, theybrought it back.

No, I had a GPS tracker on it.

Oh my god, oh my god, Dan,thank you, thank you so much.

You totally saved my life!

Wait, why do you have a...

It's mine, it'smine, Charlotte.

It's always been mine.

It wasn't stolen, Ijust took it back.

But the carbelongs to Brandon.

No, it doesn't.

He borrowed it from me.

I guess he was tryingto impress you.

Why would that impress me?

I don't know, maybe becauseit makes him look cool

and a little less broke.

Brandon is broke?

I shouldn't sayanything, I'm so sorry.

He's worse than broke.

He's in debt, calamitous,crushing debt!

You know what, you know, I'mglad I'm saying something,

this is for his own good.

I feel better.

Charlotte nolonger works here.

What?

We had to let her go.

She has a felony forassault and battery.

It's shocking thatsomeone so well-mannered

could be so vicious.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, what was up withthat phone call today?

Oh, sorry, someonealmost backed into my car.

Oh.

But you're okay now?

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's good.

So how was work?

Good day with all the kids?

Yeah, great.

How about you?

Make lots of money?

Yeah.

That's good.

By the way, your AuntSallie Mae wrote.

She'd like her $56,000 back.

Why are you goingthrough my mail?

Well, don't youmean our mail, dear?

We're married andwe share everything.

Including a butt-load of debt.

Huh, you wanna share?

Okay, let's share.

Tell me all about the felonyyou committed, darling.

What?

You know, the thingyou lost your job over.

You don't understand.

No, I think I do.

Assault and battery.

It's right there in the title.

Pretty self-explanatory.

It was my ex-fiance.

Oh, well that shouldhelp me sleep at night.

It was an accident!

And you know what,I wasn't convicted.

And at least I paid my debtto society, unlike you.

Student loans aren't a crime.

They are if youdon't pay them!

Whoa, please don'tstab me with your shiv.

They'll send you back tothe joint, sweetheart.

At least there, youknow who people are.

Then why don'tyou call the warden

and get your old bunk back.

I have let alot of shit slide.

Like what?

You don't know thefirst thing about cooking.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

is not the quarterbackof the San Diego Chargers

and you, sir, areno Lance Armstrong.

Three words.

Salsa, dancing, champion.

Oh, and how long did you think

that you could pretendthat stupid car was yours?

Goddamn, Dan!

And the worst part,

the worst part is that youmake made me look like a idiot

in front of Dan and Rita.

Like the only friends that Ihave in this miserable place.

Hey, you make melook like an idiot too.

I didn't know who I married.

Are you this sweetadorable school teacher

or a deranged griftercome to ruin my life?

Well, if youreally feel that way,

then maybe, maybe, maybewe should both admit

that we made a mistakeand then just split ways!

You know what,maybe we should!

Yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Fine!

Fine!

Fine!

How longyou two been hitched?

BRANDON ANDCHARLOTTE: 10 days.

10 days?

Are you celebritiesof some sort?

No.

Peculiar.

So, how do we getthis thing started?

First of all, let me be clear,

I'm actin' as aneutral third party

helpin' to negotiatea fair settlement.

There's nothing to negotiate.

We're in completedivorce agreement.

That's the only thingwe're in agreement on.

Fair enough, I'lldraw up the contract

and y'all can come backnext Thursday and sign it.

Thursday?

Why not today?

Don't you have somegeneric forms lyin' around,

like divorcezoom.com?

Generic forms?

Every divorce is unique.

Regardless of race, religionor sexual preference.

Now how would youlike to handle my fee?

We'll split it.

You got that much or doyou need to get another loan?

You're sure Thursday'sthe best you can do?

So, where you staying?

What?

It's my apartment.

I gave up my job, my homeand best friend for you.

I'm not leaving the apartmentand I'm not paying you rent.

Well, you'd better startcooking or cleaning or,

doing something.

Asshole!

And your car sucks!

I'm so sorry Char.

Men are such turds.

So, then you wannasubtract the top number

from the other oneyou got right there.

Okay.

You go it!

Awesome, good job!

Have a greatday in your work.

Love you.

No, I haven't done much

any animated porn butI am a fast learner

and I love animation,

and porn, so win-win.

Okay, well pleasekeep me in mind.

Thank you.

Surprise!

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, son!

Wow, I didn't expect...

How's the Antarctica?

Amazing!

Your mother was the hero.

She devised a scheme to foulthe prop on the Nisshin Maru.

And your fatherwas shot in the balls

by one of theJapanese deckhands.

With a rubber bullet.

It swelled up like coconuts.

I've got a lovelybunch of coconuts.

Lookin' good boy.

So good to see you.

Yeah, so good.

Hey, what'd you tell them?

About what?

About us, about the divorce.

When?

They haven't stoppedtalking since they got here.

Oh, thank god.

You're gonnahave to tell them.

Well, not tonight,it's my birthday.

Plus it's humiliating.

They're marriagehas lasted 32 years

and ours lasted about aslong as a Hobbit movie.

Happy birthday, son.

My charitable workscontinue, I see.

What's this?

Two tickets to Tahiti for anall inclusive stay at Brando.

It's a luxury eco-resort.

I could have been a contender.

Because my boy andhis beautiful bride

deserve the absolute besthoneymoon the money can buy.

Speaking of honeymoons,

you know your fatherand I are undergoing

a bit of a second one right now.

Let's just say, we'reexperiencing a refreshed sense

of sexual energy.

Exploring our aging bodies.

So many delicious newcavities to explore.

Well, it's a verythoughtful gift

and I thank you very much.

It's thoughtful,isn't it, Charlotte?

Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.

Okay, let's have a photo.

Hold up your present.

This isn't the MiddleEast peace talks.

How about a kiss?

Lovely.

I'm sensing a littlebit of disharmony.

I'm sorry, I'mjust feeling a bit...

Yeah, I know, is it Brandon?

You know, becausehe's a sweet boy

but he can also be amassive pain in the ass.

Trust me, I know.

It's not just him.

It's just that we,

you know, we both weren't ashonest as we should have been.

Ah.

Well, I rememberwhen Jerry and I met.

He thought I was ademocrat and a virgin.

The truth is, I wasin love with Reagan

and I'd slept with half theboys in the neighborhood.

So, you?

Well, I told him what Ithought he wanted to hear

which was not the truth, I...

You...

Lied, yes, guilty as charged.

But when I met him, Iknew he was special.

So all of this nonsense justcame babbling out of me.

And how did you?

I eventually found the courage

to tell him what was inmy head and in my heart.

And that's been theglue of our relationship

from that day forward.

You sure you don'twant some of this?

It's Peruvian hog's breath.

They grow it above three line.

Sweet.

Nah, I'm good, thanks, Dad.

I'm not really in the mood.

Why so glum, Sunny Jim?

I don't know, Dad.

Marriage is hard.

You have a keengrasp of the obvious.

I think mine was just abad idea from the start.

Brandon, not a day goesby that I don't ask myself,

did I do the right thingmarrying that woman?

That's not very romantic, Dad.

It is when theanswer is always yes.

Oh, my god.

Oh,no, no, no, no, no.

Sweetie, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

Yeah, Mom, I know, I'm fine.

I just have aheadache, that's all.

I think Ihave something for that.

Well, you've always gotsomethin' for somethin'.

Great, why do youhave a DEA property room

around your waist?

SCHWEITZER POLIZEIFRAU: Oh, I would love

to make this bust.

Window Pane acid, peyote,shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy,

hashish and Viagra.

It's our mobile first aid kit.

Recently replenishedin Tierra del Fuego.

You know, they have avery enlightened attitude

towards psychotropics.

Here it is.

Ginger root.

Yeah, Dad, don'tyou have any Advil?

Advil.

That's fuckin' poison.

Ow, shit!

Ow, god.

What?

Goodmorning, Charlotte,

this is Bonnie Newton from theCulver City Charter School.

Is this a good time?

Yeah, yeah, definitely, hi.

Good, well,we're having a gathering

this afternoon withsome of the board.

I thought it might helpyour cause if you attended

and demonstrated toeveryone what a solid,

upstanding, young woman you are.

Yeah, I wouldlove to, thank you.

Well, weWest Virginia gals

have to stick together.

I'll email you the details.

Okay, great.

Oh, andbring that charming

and supportive husband of yours.

Yeah, of course,thank you, yeah.

I'll will see you there, thanks.

Bye.

First, you want meto tell my parents

we're getting divorcedand now, you want me to go

to a garden party and pretendwe're happily married?

Brandon, just please.

If I get this job, thenI'll have enough money

and I can move out.

Okay.

That makes sense.

So nice to see you again.

Oh, Charlotte.

Hi.

So glad youcould make it, dear.

Thank you for having us.

You're welcome.

Mrs. Newton, thisis my husband Brandon.

Very nice to meet you.

And this is our hostand head of the board,

Dr. Glenn Wooster and hismother,

- Lilian Cavendish Wooster.- Nice to meet you.

You know, Charlotte hasbeen teaching first grade

for over eight years.

You don't find it challenging

to be around children all day?

Oh, god no, I justlove kids so much.

They're so honestand entertaining.

I have this one student, Emily,

every day, anywhere she went,

she always had her twoBarbie dolls at her side.

And on her birthday, Iasked her what she wanted

and she told me, shewant more Barbies.

And so I askedEmily, I was like,

well, you already haveBarbies, why do you need more?

And he said, because myBarbies smoke and drink

way too much.

Excuse me.

Sure.

So I just, I don't know.

They are so much funand you never know

what they're gonnasay or do next.

Brandon, Ibear good tidings.

I just got you a full-timegig working with me

over here at Plan C,as promised, buddy.

Now, please go find a toilet,

lest you shit yourself with joy

when I tell you how muchyou're getting paid.

Okay, bye.

It was so great to meet you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Got you a beer.

Thanks.

You know, I reallydon't like beer.

Really?

Yeah.

Neither do I.

SCHWEITZER POLIZEIFRAU: At last the truth.

American beerstaste like shizer.

Mr. Wooster, I don'tknow what the philosophy

of your school isbut my wife and I

are big supportersof constructivism.

Yes, you know, wereally like the notion

that the teacher arefacilitating the students

to interact among themselves.

Instead of merelylecturing at them

as they sit and becomingpassive listeners.

And having thestudents realize

that everyone hassomething to contribute.

Everyone has a value.

You must haveread our website.

No, we have a sonwho attended a school

that was based onconstructivism.

And we could not be happierwith the way he turned out.

Cheers.

I think you made avery good impression.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome, keep it up.

And by the way, yourin-laws are fabulous.

Yeah, they're something.

Oh, my daughter's here!

She's visiting from Morgantown.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

Charlotte Conroy, I'd like tointroduce you to my daughter,

Anais, and her husband, Steven.

Hi, there.

Steven.

So predictable.

Sex, missionary position.

Asshole!

Pleasure to meet you.

Purse is in the dishwasher.

Mother,this is wonderful.

So lovely what youput together here.

Grilled shrimp?

I guess it must havetaken you a very long time

to ride back from Rwanda.

Ah!

Sorry, will you excuse me.

Hey, honey, look at that.

Let's go for a walk.

Hey, you feelin' okay?

Do you wanna play doctor?

Okay, Charlotte,what is going on here?

I forgot to feed my cat.

Oh, boy!

Charlotte, talk to me.

Charlotte, hey.

Brandon.

What the hell areyou two doing here?

We came to help Charlotte.

This is very important to her.

We know.

We know everything.

That's why we come here,

we don't want you tomake a terrible mistake

and throw away your soulpartner before the cosmos...

Wait a second.

Wait a minute.

Are you two high?

Brandon!

Of course we are.

Oh my god.

You don't thinkthat we would turn up

to something like this straight.

We've been fighting thesepeople our entire lives

with their bourgeoisiepretentiousness.

And anal bleaching.

Would you folks carefor some conflict-free

Ugandan artichoke confiton lardo brushed crostini?

No.

I'm so sorry.

Mrs. Conroy.

How's the new bride?

Couldn't be better.

Do I sensetrouble in paradise?

Not now, Steven.

Charlotte, this isn't you.

What?

What do you mean?

I am so sorry.

I hurt you very badly and yourlife has taken an ugly turn,

I apologize.

You obviously married thefirst guy you met after me.

Where was it?

A dating website?

Singles bar?

Old Navy?

No, eBay.

Good god.

You bought a husband online?

No, we met online, and thenfell in love and got married.

And not after 14 years, Steven.

Not all the changes are bad.

The clothes.

The hair.

Do you think aboutme, Charlotte?

'Cause I think about you.

Of course, I think about you.

We spent half ourlives together.

The whale song.

The whale song, the matingcry of the humpback.

Let's get you intothe house, mother,

and you can takea nice little nap.

How dare you?

Let's go, mother.

Oh, I miss yourfather so much!

Steven?

Yes.

You're such an asshole.

Is that all it took?

You want me now thatI'm with someone else?

There's more to itthan that, Charlotte.

Oh yeah, really, like what?

And you'd really better be quick

because my husband isright outside that door.

And your wife, that poor woman.

I mean, you don'teven understand.

Anais, she is so spontaneousand unpredictable.

One minute, we'resnowboarding in Telluride,

the next we are making lovein a Mexican agave field.

I miss your predictability.

I miss the quiet, boringtimes, the unimaginative sex,

all of it.

I never appreciatedit until it was gone.

Well, it's not coming back.

Ever.

Hey, hey, I justgot a new job in DC.

Let's leave these two horrible,

disgusting mistakes behindand get back to our old lives.

My husband is not a mistake.

Yes, we rushed into marriage

and things haven't been perfect

and after 10 ridiculous days,

things are just blowingup in our faces, but

there have been moments,in between all the lies

and the bullshit whereI've loved him more

than anybody in my entire life.

Including you.

So it's over.

Perfect.

No, Steven.

Hey, I dare you tokiss me one more time

and tell me you don't love me.

Ow!

Oh, fuck.

Sorry, Steven.

But as we say in theyard, I gotta do me.

So fuck all y'all ifyou can't appreciate it!

Huh!

Mr. Wooster, I wannaapologize for earlier.

My wife threw her back out

and I was givingher an adjustment.

Anyway, we reallylove the school

and we'd like to makea small donation.

I don't see how that'sgonna make any difference.

This is very generous.

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna find Mrs. Newtonand tell her the good news.

Wasn't that check for Brandon?

Our son's not verygood with money anyway

so it doesn't matter.

And an investmentin her future.

Is an investmentin their future.

Did you mean whatyou said in there?

Yes.

No, maybe.

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey.

Wow, looks like you coulduse a little first aid,

my friend.

All hail,all hail the chosen one.

Who said that?

It is I my lord,

Pegaverneius Candoe ofthe Nexus Space and Guild.

I have traveled nearly12 parsecs to find you.

Okay.

Youare the rightful heir

to the throne of Nargathus.

The star child as foretoldin our prophesies.

A magnificent creatureof unlimited wisdom

and breath takingphysical perfection.

Yeah.

I get that.

Thegreat epiphany is at hand.

Reveal your magnificenceto the members

of the Culver City CharterSchool Board,

and then the world.

Let them kowtow at your feet.

Worship you.

Tremble at you yourunlimited power.

I must tell you howdelighted we all are

about the substantialdonation from your in-laws.

Well, they are verysurprisingly generous people.

Well, I can tell you,

there's a lot we cando with those funds.

Loyal subjects!

I am your unicorn king!

By the powers vested in methrough the flames of Asinoff,

I command you, kneel, kneelbefore your unicorn king.

That guysI fucking crazy.

The time in neigh,the season is in bloom,

I call upon yousubjects to step forth

and harvest this royal seed.

Steven, what thehell are you doing?

Fair Anais, Steven is no more.

Your milk has soured.

Oh, Momma!

Look upon me as I raisethe imperial scepter.

Mommy,that man is nasty.

Prepare to receive me!

Bam!

That has to hurt.

And, as I was saying,

could you come in on Monday?

Oh, we would be honoredto have a young woman

of your character atCulver City Charter.

I'd love to!

Thank you so much.

Oh my god, thank you.

Thank you.

What in the worldgot into Steven?

I don't know.

Any ideas?

Food poisoning perhaps?

I think the artichoke confitlooked a little sketchy.

Since there's no disputeover assets or property,

just sign and it's done.

You'll never have tosee one another again.

That line right there, theone with your name next to it.

I know.

On second thought, I wantthe Chinese rocket statue.

Alrighty.

If you agree, Mr.Conroy, we're done here.

No.

No, I can't part with that.

Well, what if y'allshared joint custody?

Each of you take it fora week or two at a time?

No, that won't work.

Can you just buya second statue?

That way, y'all caneach have your own.

No.

No, it's one of a kind.

Well bless your hearts.

I don't mean to be rude

but I've gotta begettin' out to Malibu.

I'm havin' lunch at Gerard's.

Try the lobster,it's delicious.

And not cheap.

Can we please getthis thing goin'?

Hey, don't rushour divorce, man.

Yeah.

You know, maybe weshould get lunch, too.

Yeah, I mean, we shouldn'tdo this on an empty stomach.

Right.

Now, hold on a second.

What about your signatures?

Damn it to hell.

The wheels arecomin' off the wagon.

This divorce is fallin' apart.

- I blame her.- It's his fault.

This ends now.

I'm getting out of hereand you're not stopping me!

An so concludes our story.

Poor Charlotte and Brandon,

their journey hastaught them nothing.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

Did I slap you too hard?

Nein baby, it was just right.

I see you understand signlanguage.

Subtitles by explosiveskull