Original subtitles

Twenty years back,

Vetinari brought the ancient guilds

out of the shadows and legalised them.

You want to steal, join the Thieves' Guild.

Need somebody killed, go to the Assassins' Guild.

The Watch hasn't fought real crime for years.

Arrest me.

We need a plan.

You're a terrorist.

I suppose I am.

Carcer?

Twenty years ago, did he die?

Sadly not.

But I watched him fall.

I'm with a new gang now.

Silent partners.

They just ask that we burn it down.

This is now a crime scene, Captain.

We don't know what it is.

Find it before Carcer does.

Lady Ramkin wants to help.

I thought I'd check her records.

I think you should read this.

What happened to you?

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Miss...

What are you running from?

Are you ready?

You wanted to watch the Watch.

Mixed a surveillance spell.

I'm ready.

You haven't answered any of my questions.

These silent partners of yours?

Tell me about the spell.

You'll see and hear whatever Vimes sees and hears.

Will he know I'm watching him?

We connect your minds through a shared memory.

Choose one that's meaningful.

Strong.

Got just the thing.

♪ How do they rise

♪ How do they rise

♪ All of the angels How do they rise ♪

What were you singing?

How long have you been standing there?

I can't settle my boy.

Cheery wants to learn about dragons.

- He can borrow this one. - I can't have that in here.

He'll need 18 pounds of dead snakes and mice a day

or he'll torch this entire place with you in it.

My report.

Twenty years ago, the officer who wrote this report

was coming home after a long watch.

A teenage girl ran straight up to him.

Both her parents had just been murdered.

He should have been the one person to make sense of it all.

It's all right, Miss.

It's not a murder at all.

But he found a receipt

from the Assassin's Guild on their bodies.

And calmly informed her

that it was all...

a perfectly legal...

Legal

- inhumation. - ...inhumation.

And there was nothing he could do.

Listen to me. Assassins don't leave witnesses.

You didn't see anything. Say it.

- I didn't see anything. - "I didn't see anything".

I get why you don't want to join.

Oh, no.

I will join you, Vimes.

But I'm never wearing the badge.

"I entrust Gawain's power to you.

"Place him in Veltrick's hand and all will be well."

You think Gawain could be what Carcer needs to control the dragon?

Or what we need to kill it.

What is this Gawain?

Whatever it is, it's most likely in the hands

of the statue of King Veltrick,

down in the Assassins' Guild gallery.

Does that say "ass guild"?

I was trying to save time.

Now these are old, but I think the gallery is in the basement.

And you worked out a plan to get us in and out of there.

Working on it through the night, Captain.

Get us into the guild, down to the gallery

and out before they know what hit them.

Good. How?

With tax inspection.

The law gives us the right to inspect their books at any time.

Goodboy, manners.

Oh, Oh, no. I thought I'd done them all in.

Is the entrance to the "ass guild" unprotected?

Yes. Because going in there would be suicide.

Not if you're one of them.

Wearing that and an appropriately stylish cloak, I can go in,

go down to the basement, find the gallery,

steal the artefact and walk straight out.

How did you get that?

Lady Ramkin, we don't know the shape or size Gawain is.

Even if you did get into the basement

without attracting attention...

If you get caught, Lord Vetinari will deny all knowledge.

They don't go out through the front.

They have a door in the basement

that links their building to the one next to it.

It can only be opened from their side, so it's bound to be guarded.

Avoid the guard here...

...and you can walk out.

That's my exit.

The Guild's full of trained assassins.

They've also been trained to gather around

the inhumation bell when it tolls at dusk.

That's when I go in.

When the head of the Guild hands out the day's contracts.

Everywhere but the main atrium will be virtually empty.

You really think you should be doing this?

I gather you've all read that report.

That snake is still alive, Cheery, and it bites.

Lady Ramkin.

Lady Ramkin, I didn't tell them.

Hey, Lady Ramkin.

Don't shake it like that.

You're just making it angrier.

The longer you spend searching the gallery, the more likely

something will happen to you.

I'm just saying that with all of us, risk's lower.

We're professionals.

Well, most of the time.

Just get yourself down the door and let us in, all right?

- We'll find Gawain in half the time. - All right.

Understand this.

When I ride, I ride hard.

So saddle up your ponies,

keep kicking or stay in the stables.

I don't understand what that meant.

Did anybody understand any of that?

So we need to get into the building next door.

Who'd be stupid enough to base themselves next door to the Assassins' Guild.

I think you'd suit lipstick.

I didn't realise that going undercover meant we'd have to audition.

Should have had a drink.

Why don't we just walk down to the basement?

Try and get backstage without a VIP pass?

Just remember the three chords we showed you and you'll be fine.

I can't believe they've never heard this song before.

I know.

Wankers.

You guys aren't ready for your alt-jazz vampire-rock fusion bullshit.

All right, listen.

One song can change everything.

Make people cry the same tears, even save the world.

- Hmm. - So let's get this right.

Otherwise we'll get kicked out the building,

Lady Ramkin will die and Ankh-Morpork will burn.

Okay?

Let's shred this.

- I didn't see anything. - "I didn't see anything".

All right. Yeah. So it's wonderful to be here.

Thanks for having us.

Erm, we're the...

We're... We're called... The what?

We're called The What.

And we're gonna play for you an old Dwarfish classic now,

that you might be a little familiar with.

That's right. It's time for Gold.

Gold.

Like we practised, yeah?

This magic of yours is amazing.

He's found the artefact?

No, he started a band.

We're digging for gold

♪ Digging for precious gold

♪ Give you that gold We'll give you that gold

♪ We'll give you that solid gold

♪ We're digging for gold

♪ We'll dig down for gold

♪ We'll dig down for gold

♪ Digging for precious gold

- Nice mask. - Thanks. I like yours too.

- You do? - Bloody love it.

The pattern's very striking, isn't it?

Not so much Assassins' Guild, but Sassy Guild.

I don't know, girl. I was thinking maybe it's a little too much.

- Oh, shut up. - You shut up.

Nil mortifi sine lucre, sugar.

Nil mortifi sine lucre, babe.

Oh, it looks like an old mask.

Alice.

Find out who that is.

"Access all areas", dudes.

We're now official members of the Musicians' Guild.

Right. Let's get down to the basement.

Meet Lady Ramkin

- and find Gawain. - ...find Gawain.

Should have been doing magic your whole life.

Password.

Did you say something, little girl?

Password, big girl.

We have no need for them here.

Your voice is weird.

My voice gets a lot of compliments.

You're not really one of us, are you?

Haven't seen you here before.

I haven't seen you here before.

Why don't you go back to turning cart wheels

while us big girls do all the work?

I hide in laundry chutes and cupboards

and watch rich people in their hotel suites.

I watch them eat. I watch them sleep.

And I climb out and I strangle them.

I remember what it's like to be your age.

And sometimes you see things you shouldn't see.

Bad things.

And you start to think they're normal, but they're not.

And then when you grow up, you will realise that...

I'm wasting my time here, aren't I?

The door's through here.

Why exactly would the Assassins' Guild

have a door into the Musicians' Guild?

Maybe it's something to do with all this.

The inhumation bell will start any second.

I've calculated that when the bell stops,

we've got a 20 minute window to get in and out.

It sounds more like a door crack than a window.

Oops.

- I - didn't see anything.

Twenty minutes, Captain.

Something's wrong.

Nil mortifi sine lucre.

Nil mortifi sine lucre.

Where's Alice?

No?

Barton Wallace, administrator of the Grand Trunk Company.

Client says he'll be alone in his office tonight.

But for this kind of money,

I think we can safely say that won't be the case.

- Laugh. -

You're new, aren't you?

- Name? - Steph.

- Guild name? - Bad Steph.

Bad Steph.

You just took your name and bolted the word "Bad" onto it.

We've gotta get through.

The door is solid stygium.

The Watch might not be able to get through,

but in here, we're not just the Watch.

We're undercover

As The What?

- What? - That felt good.

Sometimes you just gotta get that finger and stick it to the man.

What man?

What finger?

Fifteen minutes, Captain.

We have to find Gawain fast.

Lady Ramkin first.

She could be anywhere.

I'll find her. Her perfume is infused with asafoetida.

And juniper.

I think.

Over to you, Angua.

You don't have to confirm that.

I can see the sort of assassin that you are by your shoes.

Where did you get them? No, don't actually answer.

Don't tell me...

Excuse me.

Are you gonna pull that trigger?

Sorry, are you?

Oh, um...

I hadn't decided.

- Ah, typical. - Are you...

I'm not signing autographs today.

Have you come to collect his soul?

I don't usually do this,

but you were about to pull the trigger,

- and then you... - Weren't sure.

Mmm. I know that revenge is a complicated business,

but I'm on something of a tight schedule today.

I don't want to go somewhere else.

And then have to race back here.

Did you collect my mother's soul?

My father's?

- I don't want to rush you. - Did you?

- If you could just make a decision... - Answer me.

Why doesn't anyone ever think of me? Do I matter?

I'll answer that. I do matter. I matter a lot.

Please... Please answer me.

I am one of the only two certainties in the multiverse.

What did they say when they saw you?

Were they afraid?

Oh, we're gonna be here all day, aren't we?

That bastard is never going to face

any kind of justice in this world.

Or the next.

- What's the other certainty? - Taxes.

Get a better name. The Slash.

Show Bad Steph here how it's done, will you?

Now let's see who else is about to have the worst...

I mean, last day of their lives.

- Laugh. -

Now I'll show you how it's done, Dr Cruces.

Talking to Bad Steph like that.

We've had enough of you treating us like children.

And I've had enough of talking to myself.

Why aren't you with your friends?

Who're you?

You're just so...

accountant-y.

I've got 210 inhumations to my name

across a 22 year, six month and four day kill streak.

Does that sound remotely accountant-y to you?

Yes.

- What's your name? - The Duke of Stab.

- Your real name. - The anonymity between

assassin and client has been enshrined...

Inigo Skimmer.

Ramkin Mansion.

Twenty summers ago.

You don't even remember. Do you?

Remember what?

Someone's been working off the books?

Death and taxes.

Now we come to any other business.

Firstly, I'd like to congratulate Karen from Finance

for her record kill streak this month.

Let's hear it for Karen from Finance.

Well done.

Who knew paper cuts could be so lethal.

Now, Sex Party Ben.

It's come to my attention

that your recent inhumation of a Anna Manger

at that orgy was in fact, a serious breach of our code.

She was a member of the Launderers' Guild.

A small oversight.

But we all know it's illegal

for one guild member to attack another.

You have forfeited your right to anonymity.

Also, your right to life.

We'll pop today's date on it for you.

Karen from Finance, you cold bitch.

Lady Ramkin.

What do you think you're doing?

We're supposed to be finding...

This man inhumed my parents.

I was there, Vimes.

I have never left a witness.

That's how you got the mask.

- I want you to arrest him. - That can't happen.

He has an address and a bag filled with cold, hard cash

in old currency. He's working off the books.

All income must be declared.

Carrot said the watch has tax inspection powers.

You're the Watch? You look like a really shit band.

We're undercover.

And tax evasion is an arrestable offence

under the Criminal Finances Act.

Minimum sentence, three years, confiscation of livestock.

I don't have livestock.

Yeah, but if you did.

Nine minutes, Captain.

We're not arresting anybody.

Hmm.

But you're gonna help us find what we're looking for.

- Where are they? - A gallery.

How long, Cheery?

Seven minutes, Sir.

Hurry up, would you?

This is what you're looking for?

King Veltrick I, founder of the very first Watch if I'm not mistaken.

You didn't know that.

Apparently he thought we'd benefit from having real police.

Bless him.

He was inhumed four days after he'd forged the first badge.

His hands. They're empty. It's not here.

- What was he holding? - Gawain.

A sword.

Gawain is a sword.

And Carcer beat us to it.

- The sword was stolen years ago. - By who?

What is this? An interview?

- Answer the question. - Question? Am I a suspect?

So sweet. You think you're very professional, don't you?

You know, I think I am going to arrest you.

- Arrest me? - Arrest me.

You can't arrest anybody.

- What's this guy's name? - Inigo Skimmer.

Inigo Skimmer, I'm arresting you on suspicion of tax evasion

under the, uh...

You really can't arrest anybody.

The Criminal Finances Act, Sir.

Criminal Finances Act.

You're coming with us.

Come on, arrest me!

What are you waiting for?

Arrest me.

That sounded like Carcer.

Your temples are glowing, Sir.

What's happening, Wonse?

That is Carcer.

He must be drawing on the same memory using...

Some kind of magical wiretap.

Can he see back into my mind?

He's watching though my memory.

Can you watch him back, Captain?

I can see back into his mind.

Captain, can you find him?

Cut it off.

I love you.

Can you find him?

Cut it off.

Cut it off.

You see where he is, Captain?

No, no, no. He's gone.

I just saw, uh...

I don't know what I saw.

- - Captain.

Time's up.

You're all going to die.

You were attacked by musicians?

This is unbelievable.

No way back. No way out the front.

You came in through there?

That's Dr Cruces' private room.

♪ You make me paranoid

♪ Paranoid

You must know another way out.

I...

What could he have seen?

I don't know.

Thoughts, memories, impulses, feelings maybe.

What don't you want him to see?

Doesn't matter.

He never would have made it out of there alive.

- Yeah. - Well done, Wonse.

We know what we need to find now.

Yes. The sword.

Must have been stolen by one of their own, right?

Assassins have a strict disciplinary code.

I know where we'll find the thief.

Skimmer is the only one not accounted for.

It's the woman with the weird voice.

I know it.

Accountant-y little shit.

Let's go.

This is where the assassins bury their dead.

On this side,

they're buried with honour

and the anonymity that protected their life

from revenge or reprisals.

But anyone who breaches their code

is immediately inhumed, loses that anonymity

and is buried with their real name

with details of their offence.

That's why so few dare.

Our thief should be easy to find then.

Yeah.

Do you even have a cell to put me in?

We have a very well-equipped basement.

He's not going in your basement.

We're being followed by a living doll.

No, it's just a kid.

You all right, little one? Are you lost?

Whoa!

I mean we do some rock and roll shit.

- Yeah? - Don't get me wrong.

But kicking a kid in the face?

Shame on you, Lady Ramkin.

Hello, little one.

Lady Ramkin was right, we should have kicked her in the face.

Here.

Inhumed for death and absconsion.

Jocasta Wiggs, her real name.

No death date. They never caught her.

She's still alive.

If she survived the assassins all this time, she'll be dangerous.

- You'll need... - She'll be old.

We find her, we find the sword.

Carcer...

When are you gonna tell me who this is all for?

When everyone's dead.

- Taxes? - Taxes.

Our first arrest.

We didn't go in there for this.

At least we know what this is now.

But Carcer knows there's a sword too, and he'll be looking for it.

Maybe Skimmer can tell us more. Help us find him.

I'm very happy to interrogate him.

- Interview, you mean? - Yes, of course. That too.

"We're outside."

"You should come out too.

"Sorry. Should have made that clear on the first."

"Unless you'd rather we did this in there.

"Just thinking of the mess."

So you're The Watch.

Sorry.

We were meant to be undercover.

What were you doing in our building?

Tax inspection.

We'd gotten word that a member of your guild

called Inigo Skimmer has been working off the books.

Undeclared income is a serious...

You think he'd declare the money he was given to kill his own boss?

Only the Thieves' Guild would be so cheap

as to pay in a dead currency like Morporkian dollars.

They've had a contract out on me ever since I accused that

little prick Urdo of being a virgin.

Urdo, head of the Thieves' Guild?

And he absolutely is a virgin.

Also, he knows that it is illegal

for one guild's members to attack another's.

So in a way, I should thank you.

You've given me all I need

to have him banished from the council.

And then we'll have no one between us and Vetinari.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

It's illegal for one guild's member to attack another's?

We're in the Musicians' Guild. Come on, licences, quick.

And you?

Why don't you go back to hiding in that cupboard?

Our guild rules state we can audition affiliate members anytime, anywhere.

She doesn't have an instrument.

♪ How do they rise

♪ How do they rise

♪ All of those angels

♪ How do they rise

♪ They lift their heads up

♪ They lift their heads up

♪ They rise up

♪ They rise up

Oh.

Seems you're far better musicians than police officers.

I'll see you soon...

Captain.

Remember what I told you about the finger?

This finger?

I heard you singing it in your sleep.

I liked it.

She liked it.

If you let The Watch arrest everyone who evades tax...

The city will be in a far better position to defend itself.

There is a dragon at large and keeping it at bay

will be very expensive.

Not to mention the cost

of the clean-up operations after its attack.

Strange times.

One extinct species returning to stalk the sky...

You'll be glad to hear I've raised the bounty.

...and another, suddenly waking up

to responsibilities it's never taken seriously before.

I look forward to hearing what sanctions you'll take against the Thieves' Guild

for their outrageous transgression.

My Lord.

Vimes...

as of this moment,

you will officially cease to pursue any further enquiries.

Sir, um...

Carcer is going to keep looking for the sword

and that dragon's gonna keep on feeding.

Undoubtedly.

But if the Assassins' Guild

were to learn there's a means of controlling it...

They'd want to keep it for themselves.

"Officially" cease to pursue.

Is this one of those situations where you want me to do

the exact opposite of what you just told me to do?

I don't know, Vimes.

Is it?

Something wrong with your hand, Vimes?

No, Sir. No. Nothing at all.

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