Original subtitles

My name is Teddy Zakalokis

and I just got out of

the army a while back, and I was supposed to start

work at my uncle's bakery,

but I got this part-time job

at this Hollywood talent agency

and I met this big star

who wanted me to be his agent

because, well, you know,

the guy's crazy.

So, I'm up here in these

big offices while wearing

these fancy suits hanging out

with all these hot shots

and sharks.

The money is terrific.

The problem is...

I don't know what I'm doing.

But...

so far so good,

you know what I'm saying?

(Flowing synth music)

♪ Teddy Z ♪

♪ He's the man to see ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ You'll go far ♪

♪ He'll turn your dreams to reality ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ He'll make you a star ♪

♪

♪ Just call up the famous Teddy Z ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

(Upbeat rock music)

Male Announcer: (On Radio) Okay, LA, it's 8:47, 72 degrees

at the convention centre,

and the Christmas

holidays are over.

Time to get back to work,

so work on this...

♪

(Music stops)

(Rustling)

Hi, can I, uh, help yea? I don't think so.

Who are you?

My name's Ted Zakalokis.

Can I get you something?

I work here.

You work here,

in the mailroom?

Uh-huh.

What do you do?

I work here too.

You do?

Here in the mailroom?

Yeah.

Well, I guess I've

seen stranger things.

You, uh, you have?

Uh-huh.

Are you sure you're

supposed to be in here?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Well I'm busy, so let me

get to my work, all right?

Yeah. Fine. Sorry.

Hi, Laurie.

Hi, Marty.

How was Aspen?

It was okay.

Hi.

Hey.

Met Bruce Willis

on a ski lift.

Mm, how was he?

He was okay.

Can I help you?

Me?

I don't think so.

What are you doing here?

I work here.

In the mailroom?

Yeah.

My tux is at the cleaners.

(Audience laughter)

Who is this guy?

Did somebody get promoted?

I don't know.

I found him wandering

around when I got in.

Excuse me, Marty,

you met Bruce Willis?

That guy on Moon Lighting?

Yeah.

Come on!

Are you sure you're

supposed to be in here?

Yeah, yeah.

You know who I saw once,

swear to god...

Who?

...Karen Valentine.

(Audience laughter)

I'm calling security.

Good idea.

What's wrong?

She was on Room 222,

don't you remember that?

I know she was, just relax.

Okay.

Hi, Laurie.

Hi, Marty.

Two Marty's?

Just relax.

Who are you?

I work here.

You work here

in the mailroom?

Yeah, I know

it sounds insane.

(Audience laughter)

Who is this guy?

Did somebody get promoted?

There's no answer.

I'm gonna have to go up there.

Up where?

Just relax.

Teddy, want to help me

with this?

Hey, Marty.

Yes, sir?

Not you, the other Marty.

Me?

Get in here.

You people met

Teddy Zaka-- what?

Zakalokis.

Right.

You met him yet?

He actually works here?

No, Marty, he's

with Holiday on Ice.

Of course he works here.

How did he get the job?

Oh, you mean who

does he know?

He knows nobody.

He just got out of the army.

Teddy here is from a temporary

employment agency.

Helped me out over Christmas

while all of youse were where?

Maui or somewhere?

So don't kill him, okay?

He's not in competition

with yea.

He's only got two

more days here.

All right?

Now work.

Go, go, go.

Teddy...

(Footsteps)

...park it right here.

(Door clicks)

So, Teddy, how'd you

like to go to work

for me full-time?

In the mailroom?

No, in China.

I need a guy over there.

(Audience laughter)

Uh, gee, I don't know.

100 more a week than

temporary and they got dental.

What do you say?

I'm supposed to start work

at my uncle's bakery on Monday.

A bakery?

Why do you want to work

in a bakery for?

Well, it's really more

my grandmother's idea.

Your grandmother?

I thought you were a parachuter

in the army.

Just for one jump.

(Audience laughter)

Oh.

Well, okay, you think about it.

You give it some thought.

Well, where would

I get the clothes?

No, no, no.

No, you wouldn't be one of them.

You'd be one of me.

See those kids out there,

they're trainees,

college graduates.

They work for a while here

in the mailroom,

then if they're lucky,

they get to be secretaries.

That's lucky?

College graduates

get to be secretaries?

(Audience laughter)

Well, yeah.

'Cause then they get a shot

at becoming an agent.

What's an agent?

(Chuckles) I love it.

Oh, that's right,

you and me been working

in an empty building.

I'll tell you what,

today go deliver mail

on the third floor,

find out for yourself

what an agent is.

Okay.

Oh, uh, Richie,

who's the girl?

Laurie Parr, huh?

Yeah, tell me about her.

Hey, hey, hey.

Sure, I'll tell yea.

Beautiful, single, available...

Teddy: Uh-huh.

...law school graduate,

driven, ambitious.

Would rather eat the paint

off a house then go out

with a guy like you.

(Audience laughter)

Sound like your type?

Off a house?

Yeah.

Now get out of here

and you think about my offer.

Okay.

(Door clicks)

(Melodic instrumental music)

♪

Uh, excuse me, is there a bathroom in this

part of the building?

Since remodelling,

I'm very confused.

Yes, sir.

There's one right around

that corner.

Oh, thank you.

You're very kind.

Uh, but you'll excuse me

because I don't recognize you.

Oh, I'm Ted Zakalokis.

I'm from the mailroom.

That's Greek.

Yes, sir.

There are Jews in Greece.

(Audience laughter)

I don't know.

Could be.

Around 200 A.D. Greece

was up to its elbows with Jews.

Really?

I'm pretty sure.

Do I know your parents, Teddy?

Uh, my parents are deceased.

I live with my brother

and my grandmother.

I see.

Well, you're a nice boy, Teddy.

Only good luck, okay?

Yes, sir.

Around the corner?

That's it.

Oh, so long.

Bye.

(Audience laughter)

Excuse me.

Mr. Floss would like to see you.

Who?

Al Floss.

Could you come with me?

I guess so.

(Footsteps)

I'm talking about Harlan Keyvo, you idiot.

Harlan Keyvo, a giant,

a legend, okay?

You want him in your movie,

you better make me an offer

I'm not ashamed to take to him.

(Phone slams)

How you doing?

Al Floss.

(Audience laughter)

No calls.

Hi, Mr. Floss.

It's Al, come on.

Al, I'm Ted Zakalokis.

Who?

Ted Zakalokis.

Teddy, have a seat,

make yourself comfortable.

What do you want, some coffee

or something like that?

Uh, no thanks.

How about some popcorn?

No salt, no butter.

I'm a popcorn nut.

How's the mailroom working out?

I was in the mailroom.

Well, I'm just

there temporarily.

Hey, I bet.

I was in and out of

there like that.

(Snaps fingers)

Of course, that was back

in New York before

you had to be a rocket

scientist to get in.

(Audience laughter)

Anyhow, Teddy, I couldn't

help notice you out

there schmoozing

with Abe.

Schmoozing?

Yeah, schmoozing,

having a nice chat.

So you know, Abe, huh?

You mean the old guy?

The old guy?

Yeah, the old guy

Abe Werkfinder, chairman of

the board of this company.

No kidding.

You don't know Abe.

(Audience laughter)

You're out there talking like

you're going camping together.

(Audience laughter)

No, he just wanted to

know where the bathroom was.

(Audience laughter)

The bathroom?

Yeah, never saw him

before in my life.

So, Al, what did you

want to see me about?

What's wrong?

I can't just have you

in here for popcorn?

It's got to be about something?

Boy, that's nice.

That's gratitude.

That's it.

Let's go, come on.

(Audience laughter)

Here, keep the popcorn.

What about the bowl?

What do I care

about the bowl?

Eat the bowl, give it

to mudslide victims.

I'm busy, huh.

(Claps)

(Audience laughter)

Calls, get me calls!

And what are you, a statue?

Screen the people

who come in here.

(Audience laughter)

(Audience applause)

What is this, a mall?

(Audience laughter)

(Button clicks)

(Phone ringing)

(Audience laughter)

(Door slams)

Okay.

(Audience laughter)

(Outdoor din)

Where he is? It's dark outside.

People are killing each

other out there.

(Rustling) Oh, there he is,

I'm going to kill him now.

Hi, everybody.

She's got a knife.

(Audience laughter)

Oh, look at me, I'm shaking.

Where you were?

I told you, it's over

an hour and a half drive

from Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

Why you go there?

Why you not take job

in neighbourhood?

That's something we have

to have a talk about.

Bakery in neighbourhood,

you could walk there.

You go 5:00 in morning,

you home by 3:00; in the house,

safe, sound, all locked up.

Why don't we go sit down?

Not in living room.

Living room for company.

(Audience laughter)

Right over here.

How's it going, Ari?

Oh, pretty good.

But Grananny flipped out

around 5:00.

Yeah, it's true.

I flip it over.

(Audience laughter)

It's dangerous outside.

Yes, Grananny.

There's people killing

each other in cars

with knives and guns.

Yes, ma'am.

Why you go job in other city?

It's not another city.

I'm only 10 minutes late,

Grananny.

Oh, I'm so happy

you in house.

(Laughter)

Come, give me hug.

(Chuckling)

(Audience laughter)

Come, come.

So, how's show business?

Oh, I met a guy today

who went on a ski lift

with Bruce Willis.

Really?

That's what he said?

Who this Mr. Willis?

Nobody you would

know, Grananny.

Ah, more strangers.

When you going to work

with Uncle Nikos in bakery?

(Slam) When?

(Audience laughter)

Well, I've thinking

about it in the car,

and Grananny, we need to have

a really serious talk.

Of course.

Oh, no.

(Audience laughter)

I like it at the place

where I am now.

It's kind of exciting.

What they make, this company?

They make telephone calls.

(Audience laughter)

Telephone calls?

Who they call?

Each other.

(Audience laughter)

What about?

Mostly about lunch.

(Audience laughter)

That's a business?

Calling about lunch?

Grananny, can I make

a confession to you?

Of course.

Ah-di, di-dee, di-dee.

One of the reasons I joined

the army was just to stay

out of the bakery.

Just to stay out of the bakery,

can you imagine that?

I'm getting out of here.

Ai yai-yai, yai, yai.

I know how much you

want me to work at the

bakery, and I know how Dad and

Uncle Nikos came all the way

from New York

to start the business,

but Grananny,

I like it at this place.

Excuse me.

(Audience laughter)

I feel like, I don't know,

freer there.

Like, I'm with people who are

going places, doing things.

I don't know.

Maybe being in the Army

broadened my horizons, but

Grananny, these people all drive

Mercedes-Benzes and they don't

seem that much smarter to me.

(Audience laughter)

Anyhow, I'd really like to know what you think.

Adolf Hitler drove

Mercedes-Benz. (Spits)

(Audience laughter)

I know. Can we talk about this?

No!

I'm sick now.

(Sighs) Granny.

Dinner in stove.

I can't eat.

Yes, ma'am.

You feed brother.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm going to lie down

because I am dying.

(Audience laughter)

Maybe I should think about it a little more.

What do you say?

I just need a little sleep.

Just a little sleep.

I won't do it, Grananny, okay?

I swear to you,

I will not do it.

Friday's my last day!

Then I'll bake.

I'll bake maybe a nice baklava.

Or a-- or a Galaktoboureko...

without sugar.

Opa.

♪

(Light instrumental music)

Hey, it's just a hypothetical question.

You're a sick boy.

Here's Weinman's New York Times.

Man: Thank you.

I'd just like an answer.

Okay.

So, what are my choices?

Would I rather eat the

paint off the house or

go out with you, right?

(Audience laughter)

Right.

Paint.

Really?

Off a stucco house.

(Audience laughter)

No need to elaborate.

I certainly hope so.

Now, look, don't take

it so personal.

I'm a major paint eater, okay?

You know, I could take you

away from all this.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Hello, Mr. Floss.

What's happening?

Hi, Mr. Floss.

Yeah, right.

Here's the deal, my client

Harland Keyvo is arriving

at LAX at 5:37.

I want you to go with the

limo driver so there's

no screw up, got it?

Oh, I can't, Al--

You go. I don't want one

of these ambitious, little

punk trainees going for you.

And, listen, no stops.

He goes directly from the

airport to the Beverly Hills

Hotel, understand?

Al, I'm right in the--

Hey, I don't care what

you've got to do.

Harland Keyvo is the

greatest living actor in

the American language.

He also gets $5 million a movie,

of which I get 10%.

So, don't. Don't tell me

about your problems, okay?

(Audience laughter)

Why don't you go? Yeah, right.

I want to be in a car for

an hour with a sociopath.

Al!

(Audience laughter)

Limo's here in 10 minutes.

Al! Al!

You rat.

I'm not your personal slave.

Teddy.

(Audience laughter)

Teddy! Yeah, Richie.

I got a job for you.

♪

Keyvo!

(Indistinct yelling)

(Camera shutters clicking)

(Indistinct yelling)

(Distant smashing)

I'll ride up front. Get in!

Teddy: Okay.

(Yelling continues)

♪

(Music fades)

(Audience laughter)

So... how was your flight? How did they know

I was coming in?

I have no idea.

No, come on. Come on.

Who tipped them off?

I don't know.

Alright,

where's Al Floss?

I don't know.

You know anything, genius?

Huh, buffalo breath?

Do you know anything at all?

No, sir.

I just work in the mailroom.

"I just work in

the mailroom."

Did Daddy get us a

job there, huh?

No, sir.

Yeah, sure. (Groans)

Oh, god, I hate this town.

(Audience laughter)

There isn't another decent human being for 300 miles around here.

And I'm going to get sued for

hitting that guy back there,

you know that, don't you?

And it's your fault,

not mine. Yours.

You see, your job is to keep

slime like that away from me.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't know that.

Oh, terrific. There's

another thing he doesn't know.

You're retarded, right?

(Audience laughter)

No, sir. Listen, driver,

I wanna make--

uh, I wanna make a few stops.

I'm sorry, sir. No stops.

(Audience laughter)

What did your say? Those are my orders:

no stops.

Orders? From whom?

Richard Herby.

Oh, Richard Herby;

then I understand.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Who the hell is Richard Herby?

He runs the mailroom!

The mailroom?

So, what you're telling me is

that some toad like non-person

in the mailroom is

telling me what to do?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying!

You got that?

I finally know the answer

to something.

(Audience laughter and applause)

Driver, stop this car.

Keep going!

How would you like to get

your butt kicked, sonny boy?

Look, mister, you're at least

45 and I'm only 23, so let's not

talk about anybody kicking

anybody's butt, okay?

Oh, yeah?

Driver, pull over.

Okay.

One stop.

(Audience laughter)

Abe. I know. I know.

I mean, my god, you know?

You know what I'm saying?

I know.

You called the boy?

Yeah, he should be here

by now; that stupid kid.

That unbelievably stupid kid.

Try to relax.

We'll talk to the boy;

we'll see what's what.

How's this going to look?

How am I going to look?

You wanted to see me.

Yeah, we want to see you.

That's exactly what we wanted.

Get in here. Sit down.

I gave this kid popcorn, Abe.

I gave him the bowl.

Teddy, come.

Sit down.

Yes, sir.

So, Teddy.

Can I believe my ears?

Mr. Harland Keyvo, maybe the

best actor in the world,

wants you to be his agent?

(Audience laughter)

Yes, sir. That's what he said.

That's what he said?

The man is unbalanced.

One of the biggest psychos in

the business, and that's saying

something in this business.

(Audience laughter)

So, you're just driving along in the limo and he asked you

to be his agent?

Well, actually, we were

outside the car, uh, fighting.

I had just hit Mr. Keyvo

in the stomach and he had

dropped to his knees.

(Audience laughter)

You were fighting with Mr. Keyvo?

No, not really.

It was just that one punch.

So, that's how you

get clients; you pull them

out of the car and you punch

them in the stomach. Sure.

I've been doing it all wrong.

I take them to lunch and then,

like an idiot,

I don't even hit them!

What the hell have I been

thinking about?

(Audience laughter and applause)

That's all he said? Well, he also said that I was

the first guy he had met here

who had any guts.

That's so unfair.

So, what was your reply to

Mr. Keyvo's offer?

Well, I told him I'd have to

ask my grandmother first.

(Audience laughter)

What? She wants me to work in my

uncle's bakery.

A bakery?

Teddy: Yes, sir.

My god.

So, you've got a tough

decision to make.

Yes, sir.

It's very tough.

A tough decision?

Oh, it's a killer!

Whatever will we do?

Ted. Ted.

Maybe you should do what your

grandmother wants, huh?

Yeah, maybe.

Certainly, the bakery,

that's the brainy thing to do.

That's the smart move here.

I'm not so sure.

Why, Abe?

I like the bakery notion.

Because Mr. Keyvo is

obviously not pleased with his

current representation.

If he wants to make a change,

I'm honoured that he's moving

to an employee who's also

with my company.

Teddy, go home, talk to your

grandmother, tell her you have

a nice job here making what?

$50,000 a year.

What?

Oye!

Of course. You now represent

a very important actor.

You have a nice office

and a secretary.

A-- a secretary?

Sure.

Could I get one of the

trainees from the mailroom?

I'll see to it myself.

(Audience applause)

Thanks. Her name is Laurie Parr.

She's really going to be

excited about this.

Abe, he doesn't

know anything.

He won't know what he's doing?

So you, Al, will personally

take him under your wing

and he'll learn.

This is a dream.

Since your last name

is difficult for me,

may I call you Teddy Z?

Sure. That's what they

called me in the Army.

By tomorrow you'll be

The Famous Teddy Z.

Yeah?

Oh, yes. Trust me.

Congratulations, Ted.

Oh, thanks. Oh, Abe.

Yes, Teddy?

Richie Herby down in the

mailroom, he's not going

to get in any trouble

because of this, is he?

Abe.

Certainly not.

(Audience laughter)

Al, can we leave now? Certainly, Abe.

(Audience laughter)

Al? Please, god.

I better make a call.

You see?

He's a take-charge kind of kid.

Hello?

Grananny?

(Audience laughter)

(Audience applause)

♪ Teddy Z, he's the man to see ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ He's got the key to your fantasy ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪

♪ Just call up the famous Teddy Z ♪

Woman: Oh, Teddy!

(Lightly chuckling)

(Crickets chirping)

(Grand musical swell)