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- In the year, 1861,

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

the tensions between the Northern and Southern States,

were at an all time high.

Enraged by perceived unjust taxation,

the South saw itself as the victims of Northern extortion.

The North struggled desperately

to keep the young nation intact,

as our forefathers had envisioned.

The threat of violence loomed no longer as a possibility,

but as a certainty.

No one knew where.

No one knew when.

But war was coming.

[bell rings]

- Remember class,

read your Nietzsche.

Read your Nietzsche.

Sam, you've forgotten your book.

- I know.

- Okay, and you've forgotten it again.

Sam.

Sam, you know I can't help but notice

that this is your 13th stab at the fifth grade.

And I'm just wondering if something is wrong.

- Well, maybe I don't give a shit about school.

- Uh, okay, okay.

Tell me Sam, is there anything

that you give a shit about?

- Well, I guess I kind of like math.

- Really?

Sam, that's amazing. We could all—

- Psych!

- Okay.

Sam.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid, I'm going to have to ask you

not to return to school anymore.

- So I graduated?

- You failed, Sam.

- What's the difference?

- Just don't come back to school.

- Whatever.

Suck it nerd. [chuckles]

[lively music]

[sighs]

- You stupid boy.

- Thrust and parry, son!

Thrust and parry!

- Dad, I don't want to do this.

It's like 11 in the morning.

- Oh, come now son.

I'm training you to be a real man.

Now bounce like I do.

En guarde!

[swords clanging]

- You're not bouncing.

Come on, bounce like this.

[laughing]

- What's up Trevor?

- Hey, Sam.

Samuel, to what do we hold the pleasure?

[sword whacking]

[screaming]

Good form son.

You've taught me to never let my guard down.

Even against my own child. [laughs]

And that is bleeding.

Well off to the doctor I suppose.

Good day kids.

- Your dad's such a nerd.

- Yeah.

- Got fired from school today.

- Oh, that's cool.

You wanna go get wasted

and check out the Johnson's new slave?

- Yeah.

♪ Oh fuck white people ♪

♪ We wish them all die ♪

♪ We hate white people ♪

♪ Got a lot of reasons why ♪

♪ The soulless devil ♪

♪ Wrapped in translucent skins ♪

♪ Mm-hmm mm-hmm ♪

- Oh, his hair looks crazy.

- Yeah, looks like he's got a spider on his head.

- I heard he's from Jamaica.

- Oh shit, I think he sees us.

[Sam] He's coming over here.

What are we gonna do?

- Where's my sword?

- How're you little white boys doing?

- Hi.

- Would any of you have a match?

[matchbox rattling]

[matchstick sizzling]

- So what are you doing?

- Workin' my ass off.

- I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

But I'm afraid, I'm going to have to ask you

to stop distracting my slave.

You see, it's almost the end of harvest

and we are a bit understaffed as of late.

So really,

I just need everyone working at full capacity.

So I hope you understand.

Cock sucker!

I didn't buy you to fucking socialize.

I bought you to work your ass off in my fucking field.

I swear to God, if I get you slacking off one more time,

I'll shove a--

- [Trevor] Mr. Johnson,

why don't you just chill out?

He's just taking a break.

- Yeah.

[laughs]

Bless your souls.

You don't understand.

You see, I have three more fields to work

before the month is out,

and I can't spare one poor moment

to bad time management.

I hope you understand.

Did you get a haircut?

Fuck you!

What in the fuck did you get the idea,

that you could just lollygag over here

and just flap your fucking gums

at these two nice young boys?

- It's okay.

- It is okay.

See you in church.

- I hate white people.

- Yeah, that guy's a dick.

- They took me from me home and my family,

and brought me in chains here,

to this Babylon,

where me work like a dog.

- Yeah, my teacher was white.

She was always making me do dumb shit.

- Took me from me children.

My two boys, who have no father.

- Yeah.

My dad's always trying to make me be a fancy gentlemen.

Pretty much in the same boat.

- Me ask God when.

When are you gonna strike down these white people?

- Yeah, gonna be rad.

- Yeah, God was just like, "Suck it."

[laughs]

- Suck it white people.

- Suck a dick.

[soft music]

- Yo, name's Bob.

- Hey, you wanna get based with us?

[hen clacking]

- This is where I stay.

[hen clacking]

- Cool.

Bunk beds.

- Have a seat.

- So you got any cups?

We can play quarters.

- Nah.

Me not drink none of that,

devil's juice!

- What?

Thought we came here to get ripped.

[laughs]

[reggae music]

[reggae music continues]

Why have I never heard of this before?

This is amazing.

- I wanna feel like this forever.

[laughs]

- A gift from me, to you.

- Whoa.

Are you sure?

- I have plenty.

I planted a bed out back.

This stuff grows like weeds.

[laughs]

- Wait.

Am I...

Am I not being cool?

- What?

No, you're being cool.

[sighs]

Or am I not being cool?

- What?

- Am I not being cool right now?

- It's okay.

Everybody's being cool.

Am I not being cool?

[reggae music]

[reggae music continues]

[birds tweeting]

- Do you think in Jamaica,

they have farms?

Where white people work for free all the time?

- No.

- I do.

- [Man] Excuse me.

Is the master of the house around?

- The doctor's visiting him again.

His arm's infected.

- Will you relay a message to him?

- I don't really do that.

- It's frightfully important.

They're doing it.

We're seceding.

- [Both] Succeeding at what?

- From the union!

There's a mandatory meeting at the church tonight.

- Ugh.

- [Both] Church!

- Tell your father.

We are a new nation.

[flute music]

- That dude, would stoned.

[chuckles]

[flute music]

- [Man] So she said, "I have some--"

[group murmuring]

- All right!

Quiet everyone!

Quiet.

Now,

we've just received word from Richmond,

about the state of affairs in our land.

Now, some of this information I'm about to read to you

is certainly true.

Some of what I'm about to read

is certainly mere conjecture.

And some of what I'm about to read

might even be misinformation, purposefully spread

by the North itself.

Now.

The first piece of news I have is that as of today,

Virginia has officially succeeded,

from the United States of America.

[audience rejoicing]

Yeah!

Oh yeah!

♪ Oh yeah ♪

Okay, quiet.

Quiet.

Now,

the second bit of news I have here,

is that as we speak,

the North is currently amassing an army

on the union border, in preparation for war.

- What?

- We gonna need an army.

[group murmuring]

- And the third bit of information we have,

tells us that the union is currently training

an army of invincible wolf men,

who are like wolves in every regard,

save for the fact that they can fly.

[group shouting]

[claps] - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute,

That might be the misinformation.

That might be...

That might be the misinformation.

But I think the exciting news here today,

is that we are now our own country.

[group applauding]

- Oh hey.

That means that we get to design our own flag.

- Do what?

Oh good everyone, fun!

- I got a blank flag right here.

- What should it look like?

- It should look tough,

but also like we're crazy.

like we fight somebody just for being different than us.

- [Congregation] Yeah.

- I like it.

- It should be read with a big X on it.

It'll have red and Xs,

and no one will mess with the red and Xs.

- [Congregation] Yeah.

- It'll have stars, right?

- Well, of course, it's gonna have stars.

It's a flag.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- We could put a naked girl on the flag,

with like big whoppers,

and she's sitting in her doorway,

and you're walking through town,

and she's like, "Hey stranger, come over here."

And you're like, "What do you want woman?"

And she's like, "So you can come in,

"have supper at my place."

And you're like, "I'm a good Christian man"

"with a wife at home."

"I can't be hanging around with strange women."

And she's like, "I ain't going bite you Mr."

And you're like, "I don't know."

But then all of a sudden the rain starts coming,

almost as if God himself is pushing you toward her doorway.

So you go in,

and she's sitting down. She's got a hot meal.

Must have been a long time

before you've had a hot meal and a cold pillow.

So you sit down and she takes a napkin,

tucks it into your collar.

Now it's been a long time

before you felt the fingers of a woman.

So you get a little mighty excited.

Then, all of a sudden, her sisters come over,

and you're like, "How many sisters?

One sister.

Two sister.

Three sister.

Four sister.

Five sister.

Five sisters come over.

So you're like, "Oh my God, I gotta get out of here.

'The devil is tempting me."

But then, all of a sudden, her clothes fall off.

And you're like, "What?

"How did that happen?"

A woman's clothes just fall right off her body?

Then your clothes fall off.

And you're like, "What?

"What's going on here?"

Then an earthquake happens.

You both land in the tub.

- What are you doing?

- I dunno.

I'm just...

I'm just talkin'.

- Well, let's print this thing up, huh?

[audience applauding]

- Tear all the other flag's down.

No more union flags around here.

- From now on,

we will only acknowledge the red Xs.

The union flag is illegal.

- [Congregation] The union flag is illegal!

The union flag is illegal!

- Fuck the union!

[group murmuring]

[flute music]

- Hey, that's illegal.

- What?

- You're illegal!

- You can't have that.

That's against the law.

- Yeah, we just made that illegal.

Get 'em!

[group shouting]

[tense music]

[knocking on the door]

- [Man] Bob!

Bob open the door.

Bob, it's about the weed stuff.

Bob!

Bob open up.

[door opens]

[panting]

- What are you guys doing here?

- Everybody tried to murder us.

- How?

- We were just walking through town,

smoking some of your weed stuff.

And all of a sudden, everybody came out of nowhere,

and said that they'd made it illegal.

- What?

- Yeah, we were just minding our own business,

smoking the weed stuff,

when everyone tried to chase us around,

and throw us in jail.

- What?

- We were walking through town,

smoking some of the weed stuff—

- Them fucking white people.

- Yeah, they were white.

- Fucking white people.

- The white man will try anything to keep you down.

This is not illegal.

This is Holy.

This is from God.

- When is God gonna tell white people to suck it?

- One thing's for sure Bob,

if they catch you smoking that stuff,

there's no telling what they'll do.

- So, there's one thing for sure.

There's no telling what they'll do.

- Don't be a dick to me Bob, I'm trying to help you.

- Bob what we're trying say is,

you gotta leave town.

- Well, me I've heard of an underground railroad,

that helped slaves escape.

Maybe I can use it

to get up North.

- Whoa, timeout.

What?

That sounds awesome.

- Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, but...

I must be too high,

'cause I thought he just said,

that there's an underground railroad somewhere.

- Well, that's what I heard.

- Bob, you should just be doing that anyway.

That sounds amazing.

- Where does the smoke go?

- Okay, Bob, you go take your cave train thing.

Sam and I are gonna try to talk some sense into these people.

And then when the coast is clear, you can come back.

- I'm probably not going to come back.

- All right.

- Well, to like visit us.

- Me not coming back.

- Right.

Okay, well,

Bob, it was awesome meeting you.

This has been an incredible three days.

I'm really sorry, you have to move.

- This is a good thing.

- Right. Okay.

Bob, best of luck.

Sam, I have a plan.

[lively music]

- So, what are we doing here boss?

- The man can't keep us down if we got the people working for us.

So, we need to send a message to every newspaper.

Let them know that we're gonna throw a demonstration this weekend,

to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

- How are we gonna get them to show up?

- Easy.

Say it's mandatory.

That's what that weird store goon said at the front gate today

and look how many people showed up to his thing?

- That dude was talking crazy talk.

- Yeah I know.

Now all we gotta do is figure out a way to bust in here.

- Oh, it's easy.

All buildings are made of wood.

[wood crashing]

- Nice work, dude.

- Thank you.

[wood crushing]

- All right.

Do you know how to work this thing?

- Oh, it's easy.

You just say what we wanna send,

and then I just tap it really fast.

Just remember to pause after each sentence.

- Okay.

How does that work though?

- I don't know.

How do trains work?

- Good point. Okay.

Attention Virginians!

This is an important message,

from a secret resistance move.

- Good pause, right?

- Do you like smoking that weed like stuff,

that makes you high when you smoke it?

So do we.

Did you know that some people are making it illegal?

Isn't that gay?

It's totally true.

Tonight, almost everyone in town tried to kill us.

If you think that sucks, like we do,

then meet us at...

Hey, where should we do this?

- I don't know.

How about that big ass field behind the rock quarry?

- Perfect.

- Meet us at that big ass field,

behind the rock quarry.

- Attendance is mandatory.

[typewriter clicks]

[door opens]

[sighs]

- Holy smokes.

A telegram came in the night.

My God.

The telegraph machine is broken.

[rooster crows]

[lively music]

- You know, if this protest goes well,

we're gonna have to keep the momentum going.

We'll get everybody all jazzed up,

and then we'll match them straight to Richmond.

Then from there, we'll get an even bigger group,

and take this baby straight to Washington, DC.

- Should we bring this to Washington DC?

- Come on man.

- You are...

- So lame.

- All right.

[thuds]

[groans]

[laughs]

- You know, we could be gone for a pretty long time.

I guess I should probably go say goodbye to my dad.

- Should we bring this to your dad?

- Shut up Sam.

[screaming]

[sawing machine creaking]

[Dad screaming in pain]

[knocks on door]

- Hey Dad. How's it goin'?

- Trevor!

Hi son.

Never been better.

How goes it with you?

- Pretty good. [Dad screams]

Just coming by to let you know,

that Sam and I are gonna be hitting the road for a bit.

- A word of warning son.

The doc here has told me the big news.

Seems like a lot of people here are quite riled up.

It's a powder keg out there.

- Yeah, I know.

You'll know if you read the newspaper,

or anything this morning,

but the whole thing's pretty much Sam's and my idea.

- Be safe out there boys.

Godspeed.

[sawing tool creaking]

[screaming]

- That'll be 10 cents.

- Fascinating.

So by cutting up that arm,

you kill the infection in this arm.

- Wait, what do you mean?

- What do you mean?

[lively music]

- Whoa, keep that on the down low man.

There's no telling who's watching.

- They can suck it.

[coughs]

- Let me say goodbye to my dad.

So you wanna stop and say anything to your folks?

- I don't have any folks.

- Really?

What do you mean?

- Yeah, I'm an orphan dude.

- No way.

I've known you half my life.

How is this news to me?

- I don't know.

- You're really an orphan?

- Yeah, my parents have been dead forever.

[chuckles] - What?

- Yeah.

- Where do you live?

- Sleep under big tree, in the middle of the woods.

- What?!

- Yeah, I'm homeless dude.

- No, you're not.

Really?

- Why do you think I'm so psyched,

whenever you have sleepovers?

- I don't know.

I just always thought you were a little weird.

Wow.

You must think I'm like a horrible friend or something.

Did for a while.

Crazy.

Kind of got over it.

Well, the rally should be just over this ridge here.

We're a little late,

but hopefully they waited for us.

You gotta get our game faces on.

You got a bag full of weed stuff?

- Right here.

You got your speech ready?

- Pal, right here.

Let's get ready to make some history.

[group shouting]

[tense music]

[shooting]

- Guess they started without us.

- These people are gonna show up?

- These people really care about that weed stuff.

- Yeah.

These people are pissed.

- Those people do too.

- Maybe we should have specified

that this was supposed to be a peaceful demonstration.

[groaning]

- Hey, thanks for coming out and supporting the cause.

Sorry you got shot.

Here's a flyer on weed awareness.

- Thanks for supporting the cause.

Sorry you got shot.

Here's a flyer on weed awareness.

- This is crazy.

I mean, I knew people would die at our protest,

but I didn't think this many.

- How did this happen?

No one's gonna wanna come to our stuff anymore,

if this is what goes on.

Hey.

- You fought bravely good soldier.

You'll always live on in my heart,

but it's time for you to go now.

Your spirit is free.

Away now,

to the land of dreams.

- Wow.

- Yeah, heavy.

- You fought briefly good soldier,

and you'll always live on in my heart.

- I don't think there's enough for everybody.

To the land of dreams.

- What's this guy's deal?

- Hey, what's your deal?

[gasps]

- Who goes there?

- What?

- Union or confederate?

- Why?

- Are you from the South or the North?

- South or North of what?

- This guy's high as balls.

- Are you two for freedom or for oppression?

- Freedom, dick.

[panting] - Oh good.

It's always nice to meet other supporters of the cause.

- We are the cause.

- Yeah, this was all our idea.

- What do you mean?

- We organize this whole thing.

- Oh my God.

I had no idea.

I'm so sorry, sirs.

See, I had just joined this army. I didn't recognize you.

I haven't met all my commanding officers yet.

Please don't fire me.

I would hate to have to go home.

I'm having such a swell time here,

and see nobody really likes me back home at all.

And it's just really hard for me—

- Okay, little dude, calm down.

Nobody's going to fire you.

- He's so high.

- Who started all this shooting?

- Well,

I believe it was our side that made the first volley, sir.

- Well, who told you to do that?

- Oh, well,

our battalion is currently under the command

of general Robert E. Lee, sir.

I can take you to him.

- Uh, yeah? He is in so much trouble.

- Well follow me, sir.

I know the way to Lee's tent.

- What? Is general Lee guy stupid?

Does he have girl brains or something?

I mean, look at this place.

- Oh Union soldier!

- Whoa.

Dude don't kill people.

- Really?

- Yeah, not cool, man.

- Okay, well,

I guess you two are my superiors,

but I gotta tell ya,

that really goes against everything else

that everybody's been saying.

- What?

Who's been saying?

- Just take us to the girl brains.

- [Lee] Today,

we've taken our first steps,

as buddies they may be,

in securing our independence.

I said each of us take a moment of silence.

Remember the fallen.

- Okay.

Who's the girl brains here?

- Yeah, who's the dick that screwed up our meeting,

and told everybody to shoot everybody?

- That's the general, right there.

- Where do you get off, man?

- [Sam] You know what, Santa Claus?

You know what you can do?

You can suck a big old floppy--

[cocking guns]

...penis?

- Now hold on there.

Too many men of power surround themselves

with Yes men,

cowards eager to please.

I will listen to voices of dissent,

but I ask that you keep your tone a gentlemanly one.

- What?

- Don't call me girl brains.

- Okay, look.

Today was supposed to be about,

getting a bunch of like-minded people together,

doing a little blazing,

and uniting people against the white man.

- Yeah, and then you had all these people kill everybody,

and now everyone's gonna be pissed.

- I once thought as you do,

but this country's oppressive government,

will not listen to anything short of violence.

Is not our land our own,

to plant and harvest as we please?

What right does any man have to tell us

what to do with the fruits of our own toils?

This is our life.

This is our land.

This is our country.

- [Soldiers chanting] Lee!

Lee!

- Okay. All right.

That's all well and good,

but you still don't have to kill people.

- Son I assure you, I take no pleasure in loss of life.

It is my goal to minimize the casualties on both sides.

- Well, you're doing a terrible job at it.

[guns cocking]

- Have you got a better idea?

- Of course I do.

You don't fight with people in your home town.

You go to Washington,

you deal with people at the top.

You go and you talk to Abraham Lincoln.

- You would have me lead my men straight to the Capitol?

- Fuck Capitol.

We're talking about Washington.

- I may be insane for even thinking about this,

but...

Your devil-may-care attitude might be

just the thing we need to win this war.

- Of course, it is.

- This whole thing was our idea dude.

- Tell you what,

today's your lucky day.

Against my better judgment,

I'm gonna put you two in charge of a small battalion of men.

- Generally Lee, no.

- Quiet!

I'm gonna put you in charge of a brigade,

with the task of matching straight to Washington.

First thing in the morning, you head straight North,

and you do not stop,

until you reach the president himself.

Is that understood?

- Boo-yah!

- That's the first smart thing I've heard you say

since we walked in here.

- You, get these men fed and cleaned up.

They have a long journey ahead of them.

- Sir.

You can't send them straight North.

That whole area is crawling with union soldiers,

and if they don't get them, the savages will.

We can not waste an entire squad on a suicide mission.

- Relax.

We'll give them C brigade.

Nobody calls me girl brains and gets away with it.

[laughs]

- That is rich.

That is rich.

- Yes.

- I ain't gonna lie.

When bad guys started shooting today,

I peed all down the front of my war pants.

- Ain't nobody in C company

gonna blame you for that one buddy.

Guilty as well.

- I peed the poo out of myself.

- Well, sirs,

this is your company.

Listen up men.

These are our new commanders.

- This is everybody?

- There may not be a lot of us.

- You gonna say anything else?

- Me? No.

- 'Cause it sounded like you were gonna say something else.

Like, how we're tough as nails,

or we've got it where it counts or something?

- Oh. No, no, no. [laughs]

- All right, I guess we should do some introductions.

I learned this one from my old school.

- I just graduated.

All right, so all you gotta do,

is you say your name,

and one thing you're good at.

All right now, just pat your lap like this.

[patting lap]

Come on.

[patting laps]

Yeah.

Now we're getting it.

[patting laps]

♪ My name is Sam and I'm good at karate ♪

♪ Good at karate ♪

Okay now, Timmy,

take it.

♪ My name is Timmy ♪

♪ And I'm a really loyal friend ♪

♪ And I'm a really great lister ♪

- I said one thing Timmy.

- Sorry.

♪ My name is Steve ♪

♪ I go to church a lot ♪

♪ Go to church a lot ♪

♪ My name is Doug ♪

♪ And I can cut a rug ♪

- All right Doug.

Way to go, man.

- My name is Zeke.

[wolf howls]

And I once killed a man using nothing but his own stomach.

- Holy Lord.

- That's Zeke.

He's the most dangerous man in the entire army.

Some say he's killed over 200 men.

The only reason he's in C company,

is because he assaulted one of his commanding officers.

- Zeke.

You gotta say it three times. Okay, bud?

All right, it's,

♪ I killed a man with his own stomach. ♪

♪ I killed a man— ♪

- Sam.

Zeke.

Are you really as good as they say?

[gun cocking]

[gun shoots]

- I just shot that bullet perfectly, straight up in the air.

- Well, we're glad to have you aboard.

You see with a man of your reputation—

[bullet slices]

[screaming]

Well, I guess he really was a good shot.

- The perils of battle.

- Yeah, you guys gotta be way more careful.

What happened over there on the field today,

way out of line.

If on the way to DC,

we run into any more of these anti protestors.

We need to make sure that we can—

- Anti protesters?

- Yeah, those guys you were fighting.

Hello!

The guys you were fighting today?

Come on.

If we run into any more of those dudes,

we need to make sure that we're way more safe.

Now,

does anybody have any suggestions,

on how we could do that?

- You should talk to Doug.

He was in 27 battles in the Mexican-American war.

- Oh my God, a war?

- Holy shit, dude.

- How'd you survive something like that?

- Well, I don't like talking about it too much,

and I ain't proud of what I'd done,

but I figured y'all should know.

The first battle started

with major Zachary Taylor, down in Tijuana.

[guns shooting]

[screaming]

Oh my shoe.

My shoe's untied guys.

Go without me, I'll catch up.

[guns shooting]

And then I just played dead through the whole dang thing.

[laughs]

And then for the second battle.

[screaming]

I'll be right with you boys.

I think I dropped me a quarter.

[guns shooting]

And then on my third battle.

[screaming]

Hold on there fellas.

My stomach is feeling mighty—

- Wait, Doug,

did you just play dead through all 27 battles?

- Not the 24th.

- What happened there?

- I slept in and missed it.

- Weird that you still say you were in 27.

- I know.

- Whoa, Sam.

I don't really think you should try to smoke the weed stuff out of that thing.

- It's ok, I checked it.

[gun shoots]

- Did that just shoot?

[lively music]

[rooster crows]

- Okay.

The first thing we need to do,

when we get to DC is set up a booth.

Steve, that's gonna be your job, all right?

- Uh, okay.

- We're gonna need a shit ton of flyers.

Not it.

- Timmy, that'll be your job.

- Flyers, got it.

Proud to serve.

I am so lucky, I found you guys.

- Whoa.

What's that?

[tranquil music]

- [far-off voice] Pathway is rough and muddy!

Wait.

What was that?

- [far-off voice] I said the pathway is rough and muddy!

- That's a confederate code.

- A what?

- We have to yell back the proper response,

so that he'll know that we're allies

- But my bedroom is warm and inviting.

- My musk is strong and earthy young one.

- I have prepared my body with oils and perfumes.

- I approach,

as a man on fire.

- What's going on with these codes man?

- I quiver with anticipation,

as your scent fills my nostrils.

- My heart pounds like thunder,

and my loins throb with blood.

- I grow moist as I bring you closer and closer,

right into my--

- Hey!

- [Both] Good to see ya.

- Good to ya buddy, all right

Thought you might be one of them.

- Oh one of those sissy Northerners?

No way.

[laughs]

So what brings you this far North?

- Spying.

We was just spying for General Stonewall Jackson.

- Wow. What have you learned, my handsome friend?

- Well,

Grant's got a few of his elite soldiers, coming this way.

They should be here in a matter of seconds.

- Oh my God.

- But General Stonewall Jackson,

has got 400 of the meanest sons of bitches in Dixie

heading this way to send them home crying to their mummies.

Whole things should go down right here,

in about one or two minutes.

- What do we do?

- I'd say load up your muskets son.

You boys are right in the eye of the storm.

- Oh crap.

Sirs!

Sirs!

Trouble.

There's gonna be trouble.

A huge battle is about to happen,

right here in like two minutes.

- What?

No, we're not doing battles anymore.

- The Union soldiers are heading here, right now.

- What?

- Anti protestors.

- You know what?

Good.

This will give us a chance to sit down with them,

and finally talk this whole thing out.

[arrow slices]

- Oh guys, my stomach is killing me.

I must've eat some bad bacon or something.

You go on without me.

I'll catch up with you later.

[guns shooting]

- Oh...

Oh yeah.

My stomach hurts too.

That's bad.

[guns shooting]

- Uh...yeah, mine does too.

Must be a virus going around or something.

[group shouting]

- [Man] Come on man.

Richmond's is that way.

- [Man] Not so fast, Yankee dogs!

- [Man] Look, it's the Confederate army.

Run for the park y'all.

Let's get them boys.

- [Man] We hate you.

- [Man] We hate YOU!

- [Man] Fire at will!

- [Man] Kill them. Kill them all.

[gun cocks]

[bird screeching]

- Hey dude.

They're done.

- What?

They did it again.

- These guys, man.

- Well, that's 28.

Shame, shame, shame.

What a shame.

- Oh, that's gonna be a good one.

Well I'll be!

Looks like we have some people left.

- What?

- Names?

- What?

- Names please?

- I'm Trevor Moore, and this is Sam...

Hey, what is your last name?

- Brown.

- How did I not know that?

- I don't know, man.

- That's so funny.

I must have just never asked you.

[chuckles] Isn't that funny?

- No, not really.

- Well, it looks like you guys are the only survivors,

of the biggest battle of this whole mess so far.

- Yeah.

Look, I know things look bad,

but this thing doesn't have to be like this.

- Yeah, this wasn't how it was supposed to go down.

- Looks bad.

Supposed to go down.

Got it.

- Hey wait a minute.

Who are you?

Name's Bernie Templeton.

I'm a journalist and a reporter,

and you boys just became war heroes.

Say cheese!

- War heroes!

No.

Look this thing doesn't have to be a w—

[camera flash]

- [Man] This came today General Graham.

- I want these boys dead.

- Extra! Extra!

Read all about it.

Local boys become Confederate heroes.

[mumbles]

[dogs barking]

- Well, it looks like your infection somehow got infected.

[chuckles] - Look at this doc.

That there's my boy. [laughs]

- People can't get enough of this story, sir.

These two boys are the talk of the nation.

- These two girl brains might prove to be useful after all.

Send word that they're to abort the suicide mission.

They keep heading North to Washington.

They're not gonna survive the day.

- I, sir.

- Did you see how I called them the girl brains?

- I did, sir.

[laughs]

- So, the sun moves from East to West, right?

- Yeah.

- Then that means that the wind moves from North to South.

Right?

- Yeah.

Hurts looking at the sun.

- Yeah, that's why we use the wind, moron.

So, it goes,

never

eat

skunk's,

wieners.

- No, it goes,

never

eat

skunk's,

wieners.

- No, it goes,

never eat

skunk's wieners.

- Uh uh.

- [Both] Never. - Yes.

- [Both] Eat. - No.

- [Both] Never.

Eat.

- No, you're wrong. - It goes this way.

- Maybe you guys wanna try doing that side by side.

- [Both] Never eat.

- Yes.

- skunk's weiners. - Why won't you ever listen to me?

- Thought you were retarded for a second.

All right. So now we just have to figure out,

which way the wind is blowing.

- Yeah.

How do we do that?

- Uh, easy.

[licks finger] Just do that.

- Why did you do that?

- What? You told me to.

- Why did you do that?

You said to--

- Don't ever do that.

- Hey, it's that thing.

[tranquil music]

- Guys, the compass says that North is thataway.

- Up that mountain?

- That's a hill.

- I don't think North is that way, Doug.

- All right, fuck this shit.

It's 5:00 PM. Let's call it a day.

- It's not 5:00 PM.

- Doug, feel the wind.

- All right, we've been marching for a couple hours now.

Let's just set up camp, okay.

- Oh.

Gross.

There's blood all over the tent.

- Oh yeah.

Sorry. Dragged it through some dead dude,

killed at that last battle.

- Here.

Help me ring it out.

- Ew.

- Ah, gross.

Gross.

- Well I got the poles guys.

- [Sam, Trevor] Wow.

- [Sam] That looks awesome.

- What do you mean?

It just kind of looks like big old mess.

- Hear, smoke this.

[flute music]

- Oh yeah. That does look kind of cool.

- I want my shirt to look like that.

- Oh good idea.

We should tie strings around them,

and dye them in the blood puddle.

- My God.

They're decorating themselves,

with the blood of their victims.

They're savages.

I must report this to General Grant at once.

[mumbles]

- This is the coolest thing

that my eyes have ever looked at.

- Mine looks like, it sounds like,

♪ Wow ♪

- Yeah mine looks like, it's like,

♪ Doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo ♪ ♪ Wiki wiki ♪

- Hey look, it's those things again.

[tranquil music]

- So beautiful.

[tense music]

- They're coming over here.

- Oh.

What do we do?

- Are we dying?

- My stomach ain't doing me right guys.

- Hi.

H—

Hi.

♪ We are the Pony Express ♪

♪ We deliver mail with speedy success ♪

♪ Where there's a parcel or a post card you send ♪

♪ You can trust your message with spike of a man ♪

♪ We are the Pony Express ♪

♪ I hate to break it darling we are the best ♪

♪ Give us your package while y'all around ♪

♪ The Pony Express is coming to your town ♪

- [Group] We are the Pony Express!

- Who are you guys?

[sighing]

- Why are you guys dressed like that?

- In these troubled times,

travel can be just as perilous as combat, sweetheart.

- [Man] So we disguise ourselves,

so we can slip through enemies' camps unnoticed.

- And deliver you, the mail.

- [Man] The following is a message

from General Robert E. Lee.

You are to—

- [Group] Stop!

- What you are doing,

and immediately turn your sweet patootie back around,

and head back to headquarters.

- What? No!

We're going to DC

to talk some sense into President Lincoln.

- Mm-mm.

Sorry boyfriend.

General Lee wants you to lead a battalion

of his finest men.

- We have a battalion.

We have Doug.

- Hey, I'm Doug.

Tough tiddy, sweetheart,

'cause you all are war heroes now,

and he wants you in the battle.

- Oh man, again with the fighting?

What a dick bag.

Why is everybody so violent?

[arrows thudding]

- Indians!

- Guys, my stomach.

- Sam, run!

Oh.

[eagle screeching]

[drum beating]

- Hey, I think I can take these guys.

- Sam you can't take these guys.

- Trust me, I can do it.

- Sam, they've already taken us.

If you could've taken them, you should've done it back there.

You know, before we were tied up?

- Well, I wasn't in the zone then, I'm in the zone now.

- Not gonna work.

- All right, on the count of three,

I'm gonna take these three guys up here,

then you take those four guys back there.

All right?

- I'm not gonna take four guys.

- All right.

One.

Two.

Three.

[groaning]

Man.

I can't believe Doug's plan worked again.

- Yeah.

Doug's a dick.

[flute music]

Hey.

Hi.

- Sup?

- Huh?

- Said sup?

What's up with you guys?

- Oh, um.

Nothing.

- Chilling.

What's up with you guys?

- Same.

Hey bro.

- Yo bro.

- What's up with these guys?

- Me and the guys were gonna go play and relax in the field,

when we found these two dudes.

We thought we'd bring to you, see what you thought.

- You guys chill?

- Yeah, we're chill.

- You.

You chill?

- The chillest.

They seem chill.

Untie them bros.

- So you guys aren't gonna kill us?

- Kill you? [scoffs]

Us Indians are a men of peace.

- What about those five dudes you guys just killed back there?

- What, you mean that crazy horse that attacked you?

- Sup, bro?

You call me?

- Oh no bro.

- I meant like some horse that is crazy.

Sorry bro.

- Hey bro.

What's going on bro?

What's happening?

- So what's with the bro thing?

- As Indians believe that all men are brothers at war.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, what's happening bro?

- Not much, bro.

- All right.

That's what makes your people's conflict so tragic.

- Oh, you heard about the fight?

- Oh, what's up bro?

- What's up bro?

- You got a problem?

- No, you got a problem bro?

Bros!

[soft music]

- We're just as susceptible to disagreements as you guys,

but at the end of the day,

we settle ours peacefully.

Our kind knows when to smoke peace fight.

- Fucking yeah man.

That's what I'm talking about.

This whole thing didn't have to be about dudes killing dudes.

Supposed to be about,

getting a bunch of people together,

getting high as fuck,

and trying to get the white man off our back.

- You guys party?

- Yeah.

We party.

- Check this.

- What the fuck?

[music swells]

- What?!

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

- What?

- Oh my God.

[laughing]

- [Trevor] Are you seeing this?

[laughs]

[chatter] [drums]

- [Man] That's in, bro drink up.

[chuckles]

[murmuring]

- This stuff is amazing.

- Thank you.

We are a nomadic people,

but we plant fields along the routes we usually travel.

- Why do you guys travel around too much?

- To follow the salmon.

- You know, their main source of food.

- As their breeding ground moves with the seasons, so do we.

- So you guys just get high,

and follow fish around the country?

- Pretty much bro.

- That's so chill.

- Maybe that's what we should do.

Just say, "Fuck everything

and follow fish around the country."

- But, what will we do for money?

- You could sell t-shirts.

- Or burritos.

- Or grilled cheeses.

- [Man] What's up bro, you're looking at my squaw.

- You talking to me bro?

- I asked you if you looking at my squaw, bro.

- Bro I can look at any squaw I want to.

- Well, you wanna take this outside?

- No, bro.

- I'll take YOU outside, bro!

- Indians!

Be chill.

You try this.

[coughs]

- That weed stuff tastes weird.

- That ain't weed stuff.

It's peyote.

- [Sam and Trevor] No!

[screaming]

[soft music]

- Hi Trevor.

- Hi Sam.

- What do you think is going on here?

- We are drinking tea, I think.

- Why?

We were just with the Indians.

- Well, what I'm afraid might have happened,

is whatever it was we smoked,

has made us crazy.

- I think the best sort of thing

to do in this kind of situation,

is just relax.

Not fighting.

- Oh, my God I got [mumbles]

Well, I hope things are going all right,

wherever it is we really are.

- It probably is.

We usually handle things pretty well.

- We do, don't we?

Get back!

I'll kill all of you!

You godless dirt-worshippers!

[screaming]

- Throw wood, Sam!

- I think I'm gonna go try

and use the bathroom.

[cups clanging]

Hey, keep breathing Sam.

Keep breathing Sam!

[sipping]

- This tea tastes odd, all of a sudden.

- It does, doesn't it?

Why is all this water just lying on the ground?

[sobbing]

- Its good though.

- You know.

I think maybe we should try to get out of here.

- I don't see why.

It's comfortable.

Tea is warm.

We don't seem to be in any danger.

[screaming]

- Hey, you can't run through here.

It's a Union army camp.

- You know,

there is another door right over there.

- Mm-mm.

Should we?

[cups clanging]

[harmonica playing]

[screaming]

[soft music]

You sure about this?

- Probably can't hurt.

I guess we should go check out what's really going on out there.

[suspenseful music]

...go back to the tea room...

- It's them!

[guns thudding]

- Why did they all just throw their guns on the ground?

- We don't want no trouble.

We've heard about you guys.

- You have?

- Sure.

You're the Dixie devils.

You're all over the papers.

- We are?

- We just want you to know,

none of us are gonna get any funny ideas.

We'll do whatever you want.

- Legalize it?

- Sure thing, man.

Consider it done.

- So, what happens now?

- Well, you're in charge boss. We're your hostages.

- But, like,

what did we do?

- Well,

I guess you could list your demands to...

General Ulysses S. Grant?

- Oh.

Well,

how do we find that dude?

- Oh. He's drunk off his ass over in that big tent over there.

[groaning]

[metals clanging]

- Is he is there?

- That's him.

- Mr. Grant?

- What!

- Well, tell him you got some demands.

- We have some demands.

- Who is it?

- The Dixie devils.

- Come in.

[panting]

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Well, well.

If it isn't the heroes from the Southern States?

What can I do for you boys?

- Well,

we're in your base,

and we have all your dudes.

[burps, sniffs]

- Is that right?

- Sure did.

We put up a hell of a fight,

but they got us.

- Well, I see your reputation as well earned.

What do you boys want?

- We need to go to—

[vomits]

[groaning]

[gags]

[vomits]

[spits]

We need to go to Washington,

to talk to President Lincoln.

[chuckles]

- Really?

Okay.

So, you want me,

the leader of the union army,

to take you two boys,

the most notorious warriors in the Confederate army,

to have a little sit down,

with the president of our country, right?

Little face time?

What you boys gonna talk about?

- How it's bullshit that weed stuff's illegal.

- Yeah, I mean,

as long as nobody's being hurt.

- What gives you the right to go around and tell people how to live their lives?

- Well, that's rich.

Coming from a Confederate.

- You're the fucking Confederate.

- You're the fucking Confederate!

- Guys look.

I just think that,

everybody should be free to make decisions for themselves.

Okay?

[tumbler clangs]

- That is what this war is about.

- Yeah, we know.

- Yeah, we started it.

[tumbler clangs]

[groaning]

- I don't know why you two boys are out there fighting,

but I'm out there for one thing.

Freedom.

- Oh.

Well, good.

- I fight so that a man can work,

'cause he wants to work, and live,

as he wants to live.

- And smoke what he wants to smoke.

- Sure.

I fight so the men can cast off the shackles of oppression,

and say loud and clear,

that no man is subservient to another.

- Yeah.

- Oh my God. That's totally the same stuff we're into.

- Freedom is not just a luxury,

to be enjoyed by the elite and the powerful.

It is a sacred right,

to be shared by all men.

- Yeah, that's what we've been saying this whole time.

- And it is a right

that is promised to us,

by this great nation.

The United States of America.

[groaning]

No.

You boys don't have any whiskey, do you?

This is the worst part of my day.

No.

- Oh my God.

[groaning]

[laughing]

I'm just messing with you guys.

I got another bottle over here.

[bottle shutters]

- Sir.

- No.

- Mr. Grant.

I think we made a mistake.

- Yeah.

I mean we thought you guys were the anti protestors,

but you guys are all about letting people get blazed.

- I mean,

it was those other guys,

who started all the fighting in the first place.

We just want everybody to be chill.

- Well, why don't you boys start,

by putting down your guns.

- Oh, I'm sorry about that.

- Yeah, super not chill.

- Yeah.

- Suck a dick.

- [Sam] Fuck!

- Not cool.

[guns cocking]

So you guys are really gonna shoot us?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Man, that's so messed up.

We didn't do anything like this to you guys,

when we had you hostage.

- Sorry.

Boss' orders.

- I'm gonna burn you bad.

- Uh-huh!

- Hey guys.

- Doug.

- Hey big D.

- Hey guys.

- Hey, what's going on man?

- Hey, where you been?

- Well, after you guys got picked up with the Indians,

I went and met back up with the Confederates.

- Hey, how are they doing?

- They're good.

They're really good.

- How's that Robert E. Lee doing?

- Oh, you know him.

He's always busy doing stuff.

He's too busy to talk to somebody like me.

- Yeah, he was always doing stuff.

- Yeah.

- Anyways, after everybody went to sleep,

I drank a whole mess of water,

and then I had to go relieve myself,

and I got busted.

[chuckles]

- You got busted.

- I got busted.

- Yeah, we got busted by their boss.

- Yeah, he was all like, "Suck a dick,"

And we were like, "Nooo!"

- He made y'all suck his dick?

- No, Doug.

- Oh.

- Well.

You boy's got any last requests?

- Yeah, I want to see that soldier

get kicked in the head by a mule.

- Huh?

Okay.

- What?

- Wait a minute, Doug.

If you said a union soldier caught you just outside of your camp,

then that means that the Confederates are really close by.

- Yeah.

Lee's got a whole mass of men just over that ridge there.

He's getting them all ready, for some sort of early morning raid today.

- Oh my God.

We gotta warn General Grant.

- But these are the bad guys.

- No, no. We switched sides.

We like these guys now.

- Oh, well I'm with you guys.

- General Grant!

- Grant!

- General Grant!

- Grant!

- What is it now?

- General Grant, Robert E. Lee's got a whole army of men,

just over that ridge.

He's gonna attack at any minute.

[laughs]

- I love the shit that comes out of a man's mouth,

right before he gets a bullet in the brain.

[laughs]

All right, boys,

Let's warm them up!

Start with the one on the left.

- No, Mr. Grant, you gotta listen.

- Now hold on fellas.

I got this.

- Aim!

[guns cocking]

- Oh man, Union Army.

My stomach is just killing me.

Oh shit.

- Fire.

[guns shooting]

- [Both] Doug!

- Wait!

- I'll take the two on the left.

You take the five on the right.

Ready? Go!

- Now is the time to send the Dixie devils

back to hell where they belong.

- General Grant, you gotta listen to me.

The Confederates are on their way.

- Ready?

Aim!

- Wait!

He speaks the truth.

I was scouting less than a mile away.

They're right on top of us.

Seven battalions.

He must to have 10,000 men.

- That's over half his army.

We can't put up a fight against a force like that.

It's over.

We're gonna be fish in a barrel!

Run for your lives everybody!

Run!

Head for the hills.

Live your lives in hiding.

Fish in a barrel...

Fish in a barrel?

Sam, remember those guys would just get high and follow fish around?

- Yeah?

- Do you remember where they planted their field?

- Yeah.

- General Grant!

General Grant!

- What?

- We know how you can beat Lee.

- You do?

- Yeah.

- Right, everybody come back!

[flute music]

Are you sure this is gonna work?

- Not at all, sir.

- Then you better be right.

You know what I mean.

- Okay, Sam, they're in the field,

now is the time.

- Got it.

All right, spark it up.

[flute music]

[footsteps ascending]

[coughing]

[laughing]

- It's working.

- All right, men.

It's go time!

[guns clanging]

Handkerchiefs on!

And let's get them!

- But remember,

don't kill anybody.

Just I don't know,

hit him in the head with your guns or something.

- Fine. Okay.

- This one is for Doug!

- Actually these guys killed Doug.

- Charge!

[screaming]

[reggae music]

[screams]

[reggae music]

[reggae music continues]

- Yeah!

[screams]

[laughs]

[trumpet music]

- [General Grant] This document outlines the terms of your surrender.

You sign here,

the war's over.

- Here you go Mr. Lee.

- Hey! I know you!

It's me.

Girl brains! Huh?

I know him.

What are you doing here?

[tapping]

- Extra! Extra!

Local heroes switch sides.

Win war.

- Man, that was a good flag though.

[audience agreeing]

- [Man] He held out as long as he could.

And if the infection had not reached his brain,

then he would have lived to see this day,

I'm sure, he would have been proud of his son.

Or furious, I'm not sure where he stood in the war.

- Oh!

Bob, you came back to visit me, huh?

It was Bob, right?

[laughs]

- President Lincoln will see you now.

[sighs]

[sighs]

- Boys, good to meet you.

Bang up job.

You've managed to end the United States civil war

in three days,

and all told we only lost 150 people.

[laughs]

- Yeah, sorry about that.

Things got out of hand.

- We should have been more clearer on our flyers.

- Well, I want you to know you have my sincerest gratitude.

I thank you.

And this country thanks you.

Now, I want you to know,

if there's ever anything that you two need,

my door will always be open.

- Dude.

That rules.

Thanks.

- Sam.

- Actually,

Mr Lincoln, there is something that you could do for us.

See.

We started this whole thing,

because we believe in something.

We believe,

that people out there wanna smoke that weed stuff,

that gets you high.

As long as they're not hurting themselves

or anybody else,

that's really not any of the government's business.

- Yeah, it's like,

the government can suck it.

- We have traveled many miles,

and survived many battles to get here,

so that we could humbly ask you.

Please Mr. President,

do the right thing.

Make the weed stuff legal again.

- Okay, wait a minute.

Are you...

Are you telling me that you two morons,

fought this entire war,

because you thought marijuana was illegal?

- Yeah.

- Slavery!

The war was about slavery.

God damn it!

- Wait a minute.

Did we win the war for slavery or against slavery?

- Against slavery!

Jesus Christ!

- Thank God.

We have this friend at home,

that would be pissed.

- How is this even possible?

Is it the school system?

- Well, it can't be.

I didn't graduate.

- Is it your home life?

- Can't be.

- Homeless.

- Jesus Christ!

- Wait a minute.

But then why was everybody back home so riled up?

- Slavery!

- [Both] Oh!

- Right.

- I am so embarrassed.

- Wait a minute.

So you're telling me that it's legal to smoke the weed stuff?

- Hello!

Yeah, it's a plant.

It's around.

It's in nature.

Our forefathers left England,

to get away from oppressive law.

This entire nation,

is founded on the idea of personal freedoms.

- So it was always legal?

- Yeah!

Legal the whole time.

Legal now.

Always gonna be legal.

This is the United States of America!

Fuck me!

- I feel bad that Lincoln yelled at us.

He's not as nice as I thought he would be.

- Yeah, pennies are bullshit.

- I feel bad that we got all those people killed.

- Yeah.

But, we did free the slaves.

- Yeah.

That's right.

- We are heroes.

♪ We are Trevor and Sam ♪

♪ And we freed the slaves ♪

♪ We can free the slaves ♪

♪ 'Cause we are Trevor and Sam ♪

♪ We're Trevor and Sam ♪

♪ And we free the slaves ♪

♪ We can free the slaves ♪

♪ 'Cause we're Trevor and Sam ♪

- Hey.

Hey Doug.

- Doug, no way.

All right, man.

[Sam] All right, looking good man

- Yeah, Doug.

- Oh man,

we are high.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Yeah, Doug.

- All right.

- Oh man, I'm glad he's okay.

- Yeah.

I don't think he is though.

- What?

- I mean, look, you can see through him.

- Oh.

- Yeah, Doug. I think you're a ghost.

I think you're a ghost, Doug.

I guess that means your soul

has some unfinished business here on earth.

I would try to find somebody

to help you solve whatever it is.

- Not us man.

- No.

- No, we are too high.

- Yeah. We can't help you Doug.

We're too high.

We can't help you Doug, we're too high.

- Doug, he said we're too high.

- Doug.

We like you and all.

We're just too high to help you.

- Yeah.

Seriously Doug we're too high.

Stop.

- Doug we're too high.

- We said we're too high Doug.

- Doug, we're too high.

I'm high, he's high.

- I'm so high.

- Doug.

Doug.

Doug, don't be like that.

- Doug.

- We can't help you Doug. We're too high.

- Damn it Doug.

We said we're high.

- We're too high Doug.

We can't help.

- Doug, we are too high.

- What do you want from us?

- We're too high to help you.

- We're stoned.

- Doug we're...

Doug we're too high!

[dramatic music]

[Inspiring banjo music]

♪ Two young boys from ole Virginnie

♪ One poor and one o' em rich

♪ Sleepin' on the finest cotton

♪ The other 'n in a ditch

♪ They found out about the weed stuff

♪ from a friend of theirs in town

♪ Better powder up your muskets, Dixie Devil's comin' 'round

♪ Well the war broke out at Sumpter

♪ Bombs and rockets stained the sky

♪ Our heroes didn't know this

♪ 'Cause they were just too high

♪ But history waits for no man

♪ You can feel it 'cross the town

♪ So powder up your muskets, Dixie Devil's comin' 'round

♪ There's a lot of life behind us

♪ Even more yet up in front

♪ They turned on Robert E. Lee

♪ 'Cause he was such a cunt

♪ They joined up with Ulysses

♪ And brought the whole war to an end

♪ Better powder up your muskets, Dixie Devils ride again

[Drum solo]

[Cartoon sound effects] [Kids:]Holy shit!