Original subtitles

Hey, can you help me put some of the food out?

Yeah, let me finish packing this stuff up.

You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff

lying around after New Year's.

Yeah, but he doesn't live here anymore.

He doesn't live at Walmart. But he still threw a tantrum

when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

And that's the same man who complains

you can't find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Oh, it's Bernadette. She says they're running late.

"The baby threw up on Howard and then Howard threw up on Howard."

Well, he didn't throw up on the baby. That's a win.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi! Welcome back! How was Texas?

Oh, you know, the Lone Star State. That should be its Yelp rating.

It was not a great trip.

- Well, you're home now. - Yeah, it is good to be home.

Good Lord! ls that mistletoe?

Don't you maniacs own a calendar?

I told him to take it down. He would not listen to me.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Did you at least have a good flight down there?

It was fine. And other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me,

I slept the whole way.

So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?

And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

Well, we were on our way to my mother's house...

(GASPS) How did we get in the car?

Hold on.

How did you get him in the car?

I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door

and, just let inertia take care of the rest.

So, while we're at your mother's house,

it might be a good time to tell her that we're living together.

Do we have to?

I really don't want to hear the religious lecture.

Maybe there won't be one.

There's always one.

She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend.

My brother about his girlfriend.

My father about his girlfriend.

That one had some un-Christian words in it.

Well, she likes me.

There's a chance she might be okay with it.

I don't know.

I am her precious little boy,

and you did take my flower.

Do boys have flowers?

Who knows what he has down there.

Anyway...

Thank you, God, for the food that we are about to receive

and for the nourishment of our bodies

and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

Given that your hands prepared it, isn't that a little self-serving?

You start changing the words to the prayers,

next thing you know, you're in a church with a guitar.

Thank you for cooking, it looks delicious.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I'm so glad y'all could make it. So, tell me what's going on back home.

Well, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?

Welcome to Texas.

They haven't said.

Anyway, we also have some exciting news to share.

(STAMMERING) Wait now. Shouldn't we just eat?

You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule

to bless these Sloppy Joes.

Come on, Shelly. Tell me your news.

- Right. - This is on you. (CLEARS THROAT)

Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers.

Now, while you scold us, I'm going to get a knife and a fork.

Joe may be sloppy but Sheldon's not.

Well, thank you for letting me know. And I, for one, am thrilled.

What?

Where's the judgment?

Where's the fire and brimstone?

Where's the part where you tell us we're going to hell,

and I say, "Have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We're already there!"

Obviously I would prefer if you weren't living out of wedlock,

but given your special circumstances, I'm very happy for you.

And what special circumstances are those?

Oh, boy. I think it's about to get bad.

Shelly, how do I put this?

By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains.

And I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.

What? So... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

No. Just for the middle part.

'Cause at the end, I assumed there'd be nurses.

Well, this is highly insulting.

Sheldon, don't overreact.

I'm the child she was worried about?

I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage

couldn't power a potato clock.

If I spotted them the potato.

(INDISTINCT BLABBERING)

What?

I was in my room. I couldn't hear what they were saying.

I'll take over from here.

He's been in there a long time.

Should I go talk to him?

He's upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him.

- Are you going to? - Oh, heck, no.

Sheldon, what are you doing?

Just being the un-socialized eccentric my mother always thought I was.

You startin' to see why I didn't go in there?

Sheldon, if you're trying to prove me wrong,

the tighty-whities on your head ain't changing my mind.

We're ignoring the fins. Okay.

And I don't understand why you're taking her side.

By being my girlfriend she's saying, you're a weirdo, too.

I don't think that's what she's saying.

And...

That's exactly what she was saying.

Can you believe my mother thinks we're both strange?

Absolutely not.

Yes. Too loud.

(SOFTLY) Absolutely not.

Well, after that Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.

Well, first we buttered my feet

to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

I'm sorry your mother made you feel bad, but...

You know, at the end of the day she was wrong, because you're not alone.

You're right.

I have Leonard and Howard and Raj,

Stuart, Penny, Leonard's mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton--

What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet?

I was going chronologically.

You're right between Koothrappali's father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

Well, let's try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip.

I knew we should've never mentioned us living together in the first place.

- She was going to find out eventually. - Disagree.

We've known about evolution since 1859.

She still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat.

This could have all been avoided if you had only listened to me.

Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together

because I already told her we were.

Why would you do that?

This was a potential issue,

so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.

You managed the situation?

That's right.

So, my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate,

and my mate thinks I'm incapable of running my own life.

Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that.

Organizing your sock drawer, you're the king.

But understanding how other people are feeling,

that's a weak spot for you.

I have gotten much better at that.

Have you? How am I feeling right now?

How should I know?

Excited, itchy? Give me the first letter.

You and I are in a relationship.

I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.

How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

Delighted that you showed any interest in my family at all.

Delighted?

Not if I guessed for 100 years.

- Hi. - Hey, guys.

- Hi. - There's the little family.

Hello.

And their Sherpas.

The baby's asleep. Can we put her in your room?

- Yeah, go ahead. - Do you need help?

No, I got it.

Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me.

- Sorry we're late. - Oh, it's no problem.

Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

Yeah, here, I'll catch you up.

- How did we get in the car? - Stop.

Okay, they told Mary they were living together, there was a fight.

He got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head--

On purpose. Not the way it used to happen in high school.

I was acting odd intentionally.

Really? So you can control it?

Okay, then what happened?

There's really not much left to tell.

No, I decided that my mother views me as a child

because I never went through a rebellious phase so, I got an earring...

-(CLICKS) -(SCREAMS)

My mother made me take it out...

(SCREAMS)

Amy put alcohol on it...

(SCREAMS)

And here we are.

- What did we miss? - I couldn't explain it if I tried.

So, tell me, how did Sheldon look with an earring?

Like the pirate who helps the other pirates connect to the Internet.

So, what did you and Leonard do?

Actually, we got in a pretty nasty fight.

It might've been the worst one we ever had.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Well, we had started binge watching Luke Cage together,

and it was kind of our thing,

and then, I find out that she watched two episodes without me.

It's like I was excited for a present and got socks.

I don't understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.

I don't understand what's wrong with socks.

To be fair, we may have been on edge because of the Christmas tree.

What happened with the tree?

You do make a cute elf.

Yeah? And you thought Spock ears were only good for Comic-Con.

Hey, hey. ljust found a farm where they let you chop down your own tree.

Oh, cool. I'll be like a pointy-eared Paul Bunyan.

Stupid idea.

No. What's stupid is a physicist who doesn't understand

when you swing an ax, you don't let go.

For the tenth time, my mittens were slippery!

Oh! It's 70 degrees. You didn't need mittens.

You know how easily I blister.

Yes, yes. You bruise, you peel...

It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.

Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night,

or we can stop and try to salvage the evening.

- Fine. - Thank you.

(THUDS)

PENNY: Leonard? LEONARD: Yeah.

There's something on the windshield.

(GRUNTING)

PENNY: You need a break?

LEONARD: I do not need a break.

PENNY: There's no shame in asking for a break.

LEONARD: If I need a break, I'll ask for a break!

- Leonard? - Yeah?

There's a tree on you.

You wanna decorate it tonight?

Yeah. With gasoline and a match, sure.

(BOTH GRUNTING AND PANTING)

(ANIMAL CHITTERING)

I hope it kills us both.

By the way, if anyone asks,

the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.

So, Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby,

will you promise not to make me touch it?

- Sure. - Hey, how's life with your baby?

Really? You're never going to touch their baby?

To this day, I've never touched Stuart.

It's been wonderful, Sheldon. Thanks for asking.

(BABY CRYING)

BERNADETTE: Stop crying. I'm begging you. I don't know what else to do.

My boobs are empty. Do you want lasagna?

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(SHUSHING) It's okay. It's okay.

(CRYING STOPS)

What have we done?

Hey, I found superhero baby wipes.

The perfect way to clean up crime, and tushies.

(BABY CRYING)

It took me two hours to get her down.

You relax. I'll take this shift.

You know, in India, when my baby brother cried like that,

the servants would just take him far away so we couldn't hear it.

Not always. Sometimes, we'd leave.

(CRYING STOPS)

Hey, he got her to stop.

That was so fast.

He's really good with her.

Yeah, he has a gift.

What's the matter?

Nothing, these are happy tears.

- Oh, good. - No, they're not, you bozo!

How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can't?

It's Stuart.

Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.

Not funny.

She's tired. That was funny.

Everyone's a better mom than me.

Oh, don't take it so personally. Maybe your baby's just a jerk.

(WAILING)

So, how does the story end?

Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

Sheldon!

What? ls there another twist coming? ls the baby not theirs at all?

Ignore him. How did you get the baby to stop crying?

Oh, ljust talked to her.

I've been told the sound of my voice puts people to sleep.

You poor things, you must be exhausted.

It has been hard to sleep with all the crying.

(WAILING)

How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest!

It's like hating a frozen yogurt machine.

She doesn't hate you. Stop saying that.

Now you hate me, too!

(SHUSHING) I don't hate you.

(BABY CRYING)

(CONTINUES WAILING)

(CRYING)

It says here that "up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues,"

and that "the best thing to do is reassure them

"that they're doing a good job."

Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

Thank you, Sheldon. I'm feeling better now.

Thank you, Internet.

I'm telling you, with the right YouTube video,

I could give Howard a vasectomy.

So, things started to turn around?

Yeah, eventually I figured out how to get the baby to sleep.

Please tell me you didn't use Amy's magic juice.

HOWARD: (WHISPERING) Bernie? BERNADETTE: Shh. She's asleep.

Great.

And where are you?

BERNADETTE: Down here.

HOWARD: Oh.

This is new.

I didn't know what else to do. It worked.

I'd say that's thinking outside the box, but... Come on.

Don't make me laugh.

Do you need help getting out?

I think I live here now.

It's fine.

Is it okay if I get some sleep?

Yeah, go ahead.

Good job, Mommy.

I'm proud of you.

Don't make me cry, either.

Good night.

I love both my girls.

We love you, too.

I can't believe you fit in the crib.

I could take a bath in the sink.

I don't, but I can.

- So, how were your holidays? - Oh.

Thank you for asking.

I went to visit my grandmother.

She's in Bakersfield.

Usually my brother and sister go--

(ALL SNORING)

Oh, come on!

- That was fun. Thank you. - Yeah, thanks.

- Our pleasure. - See you guys at work.

- RAJ: Be there bright and early. - Not me, paternity leave.

A small human wreaks havoc

on his wife's genitals and he gets time off.

With pay, sucker!

Forgot the baby. Still new to this.

English - SDH