Original subtitles

Hey, have you ever heard of Van Nuys Comic-Con?

Yeah, it's a dinky little convention where they sell collectibles

and get sad D-list celebrities to appear. Why?

I got asked to sign autographs there.

That's awesome!

Is this for Serial Ape-ist?

Well, could be for the monkey movie, it could be my hemorrhoid commercial.

The list does not go on.

- When is it? - It doesn't matter, I'm not doing it.

- What? Why not? - You just said yourself, it's sad.

Yeah, but it's not pathetic. That's where I draw the line.

(SIGHS)

- Come on. We'll have fun. - I don't know.

You'll have nerds fawning all over you.

If you don't love that, this marriage is in trouble.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet some fans and make a little extra money.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

An appearance by George Lucas's dermatologist.

- I want that autograph. - Oh, yeah.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.

We have people over all the time.

We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man,

that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

You know what I meant.

(SIGHS) All right. Fine.

Let's say that we were to entertain people.

What type of gathering did you have in mind?

A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea?

Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party is it?

Cocktail party? A Tupperware party?

Is it a surprise party?

Oh, I hope it's not a West Coast party.

'Cause according to the man on the radio, a west coast party don't stop.

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down,

that's called teamwork.

(GASPS)

That's a kick, that's an actual kick.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What are you doing?

I felt a kick.

There's a baby in there.

Oh, yeah. That's where I put it.

(CHUCKLES) No, I mean, I know you're pregnant.

I just never connected the idea of pregnancy

and you actually having a baby.

Which MIT did you go to?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, God, we are not ready to have an infant in this house.

We don't have a crib. We don't have diapers.

We're not baby-proofed.

Anyone can just walk in off the street and lift our toilet lids.

Howie, we have time to do all that stuff.

Do we? Look at you.

Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.

The next person kicking you will be me, good night.

(SIGHS)

Are we even in a good school-- Ow!

I warned you and I did it.

What's all this?

Oh, everything we need for your autograph session.

Headshots, markers.

Okay, Leonard, it's sweet you're excited about this,

but it'll be a miracle if one person asks for my autograph.

Are you kidding? I once paid $20 for Theo Sassler's signature.

Who's that?

I don't even know. ljust liked his name. Theo Sassler.

Oh, and look at this, I even got a change maker.

(BLOWS)

How much change you want, little lady?

Oh, there's so much I want to change.

Yeah, well, if it's a dollar, you're in luck.

What's going on here?

You expressed an interest in having people over

and I feel I dismissed it too quickly.

So, I took matters into my own hands and I arranged a brunch.

That's so nice, who's coming?

Oh, uh, Stuart, uh, Bert from the geology lab

and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor?

Yes. Oh, fun story.

She grew up with 10 siblings

or possibly penguins, her English is atrocious.

That's an odd mix of people.

Well, for our first time hosting

I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run.

You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house

by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

But you never went into that haunted house.

You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

Well, thank you, Sheldon, this is a fun surprise.

Aw, well, the real surprise is how surprised

you are that I'm great at surprises.

Well, that's not a surprise at all.

I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises,

I would've expected the surprise and therefore not have been surprised.

But as it is I didn't know and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.

Don't get me all randy, guests are on the way.

- Hi. - Hey, where you been?

We went and did a little shopping for the baby.

Wait till you see the crib we found.

You bought a crib without me?

- You're gonna love it. - Yeah.

It's the highest rated one on the market. I wouldn't even call it a crib.

I'd call it a "Fortress of Solitude for babies."

Sounds expensive.

Okay, well, I may have gone a bit overboard,

but you can't put a price on safety.

Though if you did, it's more zeroes than you're expecting.

But it's the safest crib you can buy.

- If you don't like it we can return it. - Fine.

In our new minivan, hey what's for lunch?

You bought a minivan?

It's for the baby. And I didn't buy it.

The dealer loaned to me for a 24-hour test-drive.

Though we did ding up the back pretty good with the crib,

so you might've bought a minivan.

I don't wanna drive that, it's such a mom car.

The guy at the dealership said they're not just for moms anymore.

Then again, he did think you were my husband.

They thought it at the ultrasound, why not at the car dealership?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Never been on this side of the table before.

Feel powerful.

Really?

Feel like I'm selling candy so our team can get new uniforms.

Okay, so it's $4.75 for a signed black and white

and $9.95 for color.

All right. Why not five and 10 bucks?

I brought my moneymaker, let me shake it.

Hey, that guy's looking over here.

Oh, think he's your first autograph?

I don't know. Be cool. He's coming. He's coming.

Hi.

- Hi. I love your movie. - Oh, thanks.

It has got to be one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.

Your love confuses me.

- Would you like an autograph? - Sure.

- Okay, who do I make it out to? - Daniel.

- Okay. - I have to ask,

were you trying to be that bad or are you just a terrible actress?

That did not clear things up.

That'll be $4.75.

- Keep the change. - But, I-- Oh.

- Nothing about that was good. - Mmm-mmm.

There's nothing to be afraid of, Sheldon.

(GRUNTS)

The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour.

If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.

Been 15 minutes, just sayin'.

Oh, gosh. I can do this. Just give me a moment--

-(CORK POPS) - Mommy! (GASPS)

Mimosas coming up.

I once left orange juice in my fridge so long it tasted like a mimosa.

How old was it?

It's hard to say.

I don't remember much after I drank it.

- Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu? - Yes.

Drink is fun and good friends...

Applebee's.

She's learning English from TV.

TV, good. Now back to you.

- Hey, guys. - Hi, Stuart.

- These are for you. - Oh, they're pretty. Thank you.

Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab

and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

- Nice to meet you. - Hello.

- Hey. - So, what did I miss?

Yeah, we watched Sheldon try to open a bottle for 15 minutes.

Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

Anybody else coming to this thing?

- What's your name? Okay. - Jeff.

My favorite part is your shower scene.

Been hearing that a lot today.

I even have a screen grab on my phone.

Yep, there they are.

- Okay, let's keep it moving. - Here you go.

Should have punched that guy.

Oh. Go ahead. He's right over there.

Why do you do that? Can't you let me have my moment?

- Hello. - Hi, I like your movies.

- Thank you. - I saw both of them.

I assume we're still talking about the movies, but after today, who knows.

- You think I could get a picture of us? - Oh, sure.

And, could you be giving me a kiss?

No. She cannot-- What is wrong with you people?

- Leonard. - No, no, no. It's not okay.

- Who are you? -l'm her husband.

(LAUGHS) No you're not.

- I am. - Yeah. He really is.

No.

It's got a rear-view camera, there's a DVD player.

And check this out...

It's like we're living in the future!

Hey, show her the trunk. Show her the trunk.

Imagine this.

You've got the baby in one hand,

groceries in the other, and you're thinking,

"How am I gonna open this trunk?"

I'm probably thinking, "Where's my husband and why isn't he helping me?"

You don't need my help

when you can open the trunk with a simple kick of the foot.

No. It's a gentle kick, you're doing it wrong.

Here, give me those.

You know, maybe it was more of a circle...

It's weird that guy thought you were a couple.

'Yes! 'Yes!

See? Easy.

Look at all this cargo space.

You know, we'll get the crib out and you can take it for a test drive.

I'm telling you this, hang on, is gonna be--

(YELPING)

Oh, is it your back?

Yeah.

(GROANING)

Anyway, let's just get in and see if the

GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.

So, until Amy's apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.

I lived with my old girlfriend.

She was a geologist, too.

Things didn't work out?

I came home from work one day and she had taken everything.

I'm warning you.

Hide your good rocks.

My sister's husband took all her things too.

Story at 11:00.

Really, no one else is coming?

This is it. You are the practice round.

Practice round? For what?

No. He just means that you were the first people we thought of.

No, exactly.

We've never thrown a brunch before and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

So, I'm like a lab rat before your real friends come over?

Mmm.

You see, your words sound reasonable but your face looks angry.

Help me out, here. This is not where I shine.

Stuart, you know you're one of our favorite people.

Okay. Now, see you look sincere but your words are completely false.

I'm glad we did the test run. These brunches are wild.

But how did you get her to go out with you?

Well, she moved in across the hall.

And he started to slowly wear me down.

Like a river carves a canyon.

Yeah. Except the river kept showing me his Pokémon cards.

Ready to go?

Hang on. This guy's telling me how he got the Serial Ape-ist girl to marry him.

This guy?

But he's wearing a change maker.

I think it's hot.

That's right.

I'm her change-daddy.

(GROANING)

What was I thinking?

Wolowitz's are not a lifting people.

We tip the lifting people.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Do we really have to sit for hours in the emergency room?

They're just gonna give you ice and Advil like last time.

You're gonna feel terrible when I'm in a wheelchair.

Which, by the way, would fit easily in the back of this award-winning minivan.

Fine. We'll go to the ER. Just stop selling me on the van.

You're right. It sells itself.

You have to admit, it is a pretty smooth ride.

I was hoping it'd be quieter.

If child birth is half this bad you are so screwed!

- Are we there yet? - Soon.

Why is it taking so long?

Howard, Howard, look at the DVD screen.

I've put on Batman The Animated Series. Your favorite.

-I'm in too much pain to watch... -(BATMAN THEME SONG PLAYING)

Oh, this is a good one.

I've been babysitting him way longer than you have.

Fine. I'll buy the stupid van.

This is the best blintz I've ever had.

Oh, thank you.

It almost makes up for the incredibly awkward turn things took earlier.

You know what, I think I'm just gonna go.

No, Stuart. Don't.

You know, I consider you and Sheldon like my family

and I'm not even sure you think of me as a friend.

You have any idea how that feels?

We're so sorry.

You know, I'm always the last one anybody thinks of.

Well, that's not true.

Sometimes it's Koothrappali.

Although we're not supposed to say that 'cause he's a minority.

- Bye. - No, Stuart. Wait.

I do know what it feels like to be left out.

I know how it feels, too.

All right. This is about me and him, you're not a part of it.

Stuart,

perhaps we do take you for granted and that is not acceptable.

Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

- Thank you. - You know, in fact.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Stuart.

A fine man, a good friend

and a wonderful guest.

- Hear, hear. - Cheers.

Cheers. Filmed before a live studio audience.

And that is how a short, asthmatic scientist

landed a stone cold fox.

ALL: Whoa!

I didn't know you could propose to the same person

so many times.

The third time, I did it in sky writing but she never looked up.

- You know, once I proposed to him. - Yeah. I said no.

- Why? - Wanted to make her work for it.

Yeah, that's gonna cost you later.

Hang on. ls she just with you because you're rich?

She makes more money than I do!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Who are you?

Do you know what else I love about you, hmm?

Your handwriting is impeccable.

- Thank you for noticing! - No, I mean it, I mean it.

It's like you have the soul of a label maker.

You know what I love about you?

You never leave the house without a paperclip.

'Cause you never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening

in the top-left corner.

I also love how you never use swear words.

You know, it turns out

you can hurt people just as well without 'em.

Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away.

Oh... (STAMMERS) Calm down.

I already put away five of these.

You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.

English - SDH