All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S10E01.The.Conjugal.Conjecture.720p.BluRay.x264.Pahe

PENNY: Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Dad, this is Sheldon's mother, Mary.

- How do you do?
- Nice to meet you.

- And, of course, Mom.
- Hello, my hateful shrew.

Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Hey! ljust got an email
from the US Air Force.

I'm just afraid, if I respond,
then they'll know I got it.

Dude, the minute you opened that email,
they knew you got it.

I mean, they're probably looking at you
through the camera right now.

Oh, God, I think someone's following us.

Turn left here,
and see if he turns with us.

Why is he turning here?
The restaurant's the other way.

I don't know, he uses that traffic app.
Maybe there's an accident.

So, follow him.

Oh, no!

Leonard, if you don't mind,
I think I'm a little tired.

-L'm gonna call it a night.
- Sure, Dad.

I'm a little tuckered out myself,
I will see you all in the morning.

- Would you like to share a cab?
- That would be fine.

- Where are you staying?
-l'm at the Westin.

Well, so am I.
Could I interest you in a nightcap?

I think that you could.

SHELDON: Leonard?

Leonard?

What?

You realize,
you and I could become brothers.

We're not gonna be brothers,
we're not gonna be stepbrothers.

Go to sleep.

I hope you're right.

'Cause a grown man living with his
brother and his brother's wife is weird.

- Go to sleep.
- Okay.

Do you think your father is doing
unspeakable things to my mother?

No.

Are you saying that
because the things are unspeakable?

Your parents are old, anything unspeakable
was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep!

Very well.

I'm sorry if this stuff is gonna make
the ceremony awkward.

God, I thought my brother,
fresh out of jail

was gonna make everyone uncomfortable,
but now this--

Hey, if you want me to sleep,
you're going to have to stop talking.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Okay, I'm gonna go pick up my family.

Like, an hour and half, two hours,
depending on traffic.

- Yeah, drive safe.
- Okay, and do yourself a favor, all right?

When Beverly gets here,
do not bring up last night. All right?

As far as you're concerned,
you don't know anything,

you didn't see anything,
I want you just to play dumb.

It was nice of her to show us
"playing dumb" with an example.

What? Oh!

Hi. Okay. Hey, there.
I'm sorry, I gotta go now.

- Penny, wait.
- Why?

I wanted to thank you for going through
all the trouble of planning

a second wedding ceremony for me.

But unfortunately, I cannot attend.

Why? What's wrong?

Are we still doing the dumb thing?
Okay. Why, what's wrong?

I just cannot stay here, while your father
goes out of his way to humiliate me.

Oh, golly!
However did he humiliate you?

Stop it, Sheldon.

Do I say "stop what"
or just throw in the towel?

I don't see why I should have to watch
your father parade around

with some Bible-thumping bumpkin.

Excuse me! That is my mother
you're talking about, however accurately.

Okay. Beverly,
aren't you overreacting a little?

All we know is
they shared a cab and had a nightcap.

- And turned their phones off.
- Not helping, buddy.

Mother, Penny and I really
want you to be part of this. Please stay?

Yeah, plus, if you leave,
Alfred will know he got under your skin.

Well, we can't have that.

Also, if they did have coitus, we'll
all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.

It is funny when you think about it.

Maybe to you,
you didn't get a $500 traffic ticket.

Because you were driving like a lunatic.

Hey, if thinking secret government agents
are chasing you makes you a lunatic,

then, yeah, okay.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, I'll get it.

It didn't help
that you couldn't walk a straight line

when the cop pulled you over.

I have performance anxiety.

You of all people should know that.

Hello.

I'm looking for a Howard Wolowitz.

Howard Wolowitz?

I have the right address, don't I?

Address?

Is he here?

Uh, no.

Do you know where I can find him?

- May I ask what this is about?
- No, you may not.

Very well.

- Have him call me.
- Okay.

HOWARD: Raj, who's at the door?

(CHUCKLES) That's not him.

Ah, I can't wait for you to meet everyone.
I told them all about you.

Like what?
Do they know about your brother?

Not everything, just like,
the jail and drugs part.

- Why would you do that?
- What?

The world doesn't need
to know our problems.

- Mom, I'm sorry, but I--
- Hey, look.

They got Walgreens here, too.

You really think it's helpful
to change the subject, Wyatt?

Just trying
to make this a happy trip, dear.

Well, quit it!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, uh, Randall, can't believe
after all these years,

you finally get to visit me in California.

Well, good thing
I was a nonviolent offender.

Otherwise, I couldn't have left the state.

All right, that's enough jail talk.

Penny knows where I was,
she sent me cigarettes.

You sent your brother cigarettes?

He was cooking
and selling crystal meth, Susan.

I think we can let the cigarettes slide.

Stop trying to be the cool dad.

You have a shirt
with our cat's picture on it.

Anyway, we're here, slugger.

That's great! Now, they know where I live.

What are you talking about?
They've always known where you live.

Yeah, if you wanna go off the grid,

you have to move out
of your mother's house.

Can we take a moment to discuss that
I just lied to the government for you?

Yeah, I would not have done that for you.

Howard, please just call the man,
see what he wants?

All right, all right.

Hey. Make sure you tell him that
you weren't home when he came by.

And that your Indian friend
gave you the message,

the moment you stepped through the door.

Yes, hello. (CLEARS THROAT)

This is Howard Wolowitz,
for Colonel Richard Williams.

I take it back, don't mention me.

Hi, Colonel Williams. How can I help you?

What? Yes, he is from India.

No, I don't know his immigration status.

Relax, I'm still on hold!

Speaking.

Okay, sure,
I can meet with you on Thursday.

Caltech is fine.
Yeah, and may I ask what this is about?

(CHUCKLES)

I may not?

That's what he said to me.

- Here you are, Mother.
- Thank you.

I'm glad you decided to stay.

It's gonna be special for Penny and me
to share this with you.

I can't wait for this day to be over.

Yeah, special, like that.

-(KNOCKING)
- That's them.

Please don't make things any more awkward
than they already are.

Right, so,
less or equally awkward, got it.

- Hey, guys. Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Hello.
- How is everyone today?

- Good, and you?
- Good, good.

- Good.
-l'm good, too.

Good.

So, did you defile my mother, or not?

(ALL GASP)

Sheldon! You're being rude.

If I may, I can assure you,
your mother and I did nothing more

than share a cab and a conversation.

Did that conversation include the phrase,
"Your genitals are a joy to behold"?

That's enough!

Look, I promise you, neither I,
nor anyone has ever said that.

You don't know his girlfriend very well.

Or what a joy it is
to behold my genitals.

All right, you guys, get settled in.

Then, we'll go across the hall,
and say hi to everyone.

You know, it's hard to believe
I've never met Leonard.

Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs
from a local vendor.

(PENNY LAUGHS)

- Not funny, Wyatt.
- I thought it was really funny.

Thanks.

Well, fine. If everyone wants
to make jokes about our problems,

then, I can, too. Knock-knock.

Who's there?
Our family is an embarrassment.

That's not much of a joke.

Okay. Listen, Mom, I know you're nervous,

but I promise you, no one
is going to judge you, or this family.

I'm sorry.

It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents
for the first time.

And they're academics,

and intellectuals, and I don't
want them thinking we're white trash.

Well, what color trash
do you think they'll believe?

How could you think that I would spend
the night with a man ljust met?

A man named Jesus
convinced you to build a church in Africa.

You're kind of a sucker.

Well, nothing happened. Right?

It's over,
until we get married a third time,

you guys will never have
to see each other again.

Well, you know,
actually that's not the case.

Mary may visit me in New York.

And he's never been to Texas.

Maybe we meet halfway.

What? In the
Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia?

I can't be the only one
that knows that's halfway.

You're not seriously
going to visit each other?

And why wouldn't we?

Oh, please, you're just saying this
to antagonize me.

Not at all.
Mary happens to be a wonderful woman.

And if it antagonizes you,
that's just a bonus.

Mary, I'm sorry
you're in the middle of this.

No, no. Nothing to be sorry about,
I genuinely like your father.

(STAMMERING)
But he's a mediocre academic.

And, according to Beverly,
his sexual prowess is subpar.

He's basically Leonard
with a bigger prostate.

Are you saying that my dad's
not good enough for your mom?

Yes, while also getting in a solid dig
at you, pretty efficient, huh?

I can't even... This is ridiculous.
I'm going across the hall.

Why should you get to go and leave
me here with your bickering parents?

Fine, then you go.

Well, I don't want to stay here
with her, I'll go.

- I'll go with you.
- That still leaves me here with him.

Hang on, hang on.

We're smart, we can figure this out.
Okay, so,

Mary and Beverly can't be together.

Alfred and Beverly can't be together.

Leonard and I can't be together.

Now, I could be with Alfred,
but I don't like his face.

Here, I've got it!

Who's ready for a wedding?

Great, now I have to start all over.

So, how's the world of pharmaceuticals
treating you?

Pretty good. I actually just
got assigned a much better territory.

See what happens when you work hard?

Hey, she just sells drugs,
I had to make them.

Okay, that's enough.

No more drug talk
for the rest of this trip.

I'll drink 110 that.

- Haven't you had enough?
- Penny drinks more than I do.

Well, I learned from the best.

- Aw!
- Aw! (CHUCKLES)

Very nice, Wyatt. And you wonder why
this one turned out the way he did.

See what I've got to put up with?

What you've got to put up with?
Why did you have to go to jail?

It's called getting caught, Mother!

- Hello.
- Hey, there he is!

Oh, Leonard,
it's so nice to see you again.

You, too.
Everyone, this is my mother, Beverly.

- Hello.
- Hi.

We are not white trash.

Are you excited
to see your son walk down the aisle?

Yes, lam. I'm just feeling a little
guilty about all the trouble I've caused.

Oh, so am I.

You made God sad today, Mom.

Sheldon, they haven't done anything wrong.
I think it's nice they're hitting it off.

That's still no reason
to rush into anything.

I mean, look at us,
we took things remarkably slow.

You and I,
we didn't even hold hands for two years.

It was a lot hotter than it sounds.

Well, you're a patient young lady.

Hey! She's mine,
take a cold shower, Grandpa.

Why wouldn't that Colonel say
what the meeting is about?

- It has to be bad news.
- Yeah, calm down.

Okay? Try not to think about it.

- That's really stupid advice.
- You know that hurts my feelings.

Calm down, try not to think about it.

Okay.

- Why do I bother talking to you?
- Oh, come on.

What's the worst
that could come of this meeting?

I don't know, they take
the invention away and I get nothing.

Okay, that's not so bad.

You know what happened to the scientists
that worked on the Manhattan Project?

The government forced them
to move to the desert.

They had to live in secret.

And when Oppenheimer objected
to what they made him do,

they destroyed his reputation.

What's the point of that story?

Just read a book about Oppenheimer,
seemed like a chance to show off.

(LAUGHS)

There he is,
there's my happy Hebraic homeboy.

Yeah, that's the smile I'm gonna remember
when you're living in the desert,

and I'm living with your wife.

So, what do you do for a living?

Mommy, you wanna take this one?

Um, Randall's in between jobs.

(WHISPERING) And court appearances.

It's nice to meet the woman
who raised this fine young man.

I'm looking forward to meeting his father.

Prepare to be disappointed.

And he can't wait to meet you, too.
Can I get anyone a drink?

- I could use another beer.
- You're done!

He's done.

Hey! ls everyone
getting to know each other?

Not at all.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Nice to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter,
I'm Leonard's friend, Stuart.

Nice to see you, too.

Hi, I'm Stuart.

Oh, I'm Alfred. Leonard's father.

Oh! Oh, hi! I'm sorry,
did you two wanna sit together?

- No.
- No.

I was wondering why
the front row was available.

Okay, I think we're ready.

(BRIDAL MARCH PLAYING)

Why do people cry at weddings?

They're practicing
for what's coming later.

Thank you for cleaning yourself up
for your sister's wedding.

Thank you for my new teeth.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome to the family, Leonard.

Don't lend your new brother-in-law money.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

We're here today to celebrate love.

(SIGHS)

Sigh louder, no one heard you.

Really, I can move.

Not just Leonard and Penny's love,
but the love we have for them,

as well as each other.

Speaking of love, STDs among
the elderly are skyrocketing.

Love is patient,

but it's not gonna put up with all
the side chatter, so, let's knock it off!

At least she's yelling at someone else
for a change--

BERNADETTE'. Howard!

Okay, I understand
everyone is a little tense today,

so, lam just gonna
get to the important stuff.

Leonard,

standing here with you
in front of our family and friends is

bringing up a lot of feelings.

Like what a good idea it was
to elope the first time.

(LAUGHS)

But also,
how incredibly happy you make me.

Thank you for marrying me.
Hopefully, for the last time.

Penny,

as a scientist, my job is to figure out
why things happen.

But I don't think I'll ever understand

how someone like me
could get to be with someone like you.

You know, maybe,

I don't need to understand it, ljust
need to be grateful. I love you, Penny.

(PENNY LAUGHS)

Anybody have anything snarky
to say about that?

Didn't think so.

I'd like to say something.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Beverly, I know that
we don't bring out the best in each other,

but something wonderful
did come from our relationship.

That young man, right there.

I couldn't agree more.

That's beautiful.

- Thank you. All right, let's continue.
- SHELDON: Excuse me.

I need to say something
to someone pretty special,

and I just can't wait any longer.

- It's happening.
- Leonard.

You and I have our ups and downs,

but I have always
considered you my family.

Even before
the recent threat of our parents

fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits.

I don't always show it,
but you are of great importance to me.

Both of you.

(CLICKS TONGUE) AW!

Thank you.

Okay.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

And weird other husband
who came with the apartment.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you for taking us to the airport.

Hey, I'm just thrilled
we're all getting along for a minute.

Yeah, me, too.

Beverly, I'm sorry if I upset you.

Water under the bridge, Alfred.

Leonard, why don't you
get into the carpool lane?

Well, that's a solid line,
he can't cross it.

It's okay, I can make it over.

No, no, let's plod along. It'll make your
father feel more comfortable.

What makes me comfortable is knowing
I don't have to wake up tomorrow morning,

and see your sour face.

Do the world a favor,
and don't wake up tomorrow morning.

It was almost a minute.

There's a lot of traffic,
are we gonna be okay?

You'll be at the airport
an hour before your flight.

Good, thank you.

Plenty of time for you
to meet another geriatric boy toy.

Hey. I will not have you
be disrespectful to me.

Yes, ma'am.

Sheldon, your mother's
an attractive woman.

You need to get used to the fact
that men are gonna be interested in her.

And you need to drive the car
and mind your business.

I will not have you
be disrespectful to me.

- You're not my mother.
- Don't you be disrespectful to her!

Yes, ma'am.

You'll get there,
you just gotta put some zing on it.

Penny, I don't know
what I was worried about.

Your friends are just lovely.

Thanks, Mom.

Although, that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.

Is he? I never noticed.

Reminds me of that turkey we had,
who drowned looking up at the rain.

-(ALL LAUGH)
- That was great.

Cops, cops. Be cool!

English - SDH