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- Great day in the morning. - Have mercy on the cotton.

Halley's comet, Halley's comet. What's the cause of the name?

Halley? Who's she?

Halley's the man what conjured it up there, I reckon.

I done seen it first.

Judge Clemens, how do we know that thing

won't set the world on fire?

We know about it because it comes back every 75 years.

Think of it as kind of a Jubilee in heaven.

Like a possum-hunt?

Well,kinda like a camp-meeting in heaven.

They're watching at home. It's done happened.

Jane, darling.

- John, it's a boy. - A boy! Oh.

Well, sir. This is the night.

Can you see that other comet, son?

I reckon that big comet must have come out

just the very minute this child was born.

Like as if it brung him from somewhere

clean out of the world.

I suppose people all over the country

are looking at that comet tonight.

And not one soul of them has ever heard

'of Samuel Langhorne Clemens.'

Young man, that's you.

'"Persons attempting to find a motive'

'"in this narrative will be prosecuted.'

'"Persons attempting to find a moral, will be banished.'

'"Persons attempting to find a plot, will be shot.'

'Mm-hm.'

'"By order of Mark...Twain."'

That is me you just saw, a little bit ago.

I came a little ahead of schedule

maybe that was due to the comet.

When I arrived, I hadn't any hair

I hadn't any teeth, I hadn't any clothes.

But it was alright then, 'cause I didn't know

that I should have been embarrassed.

I've learnt since, to my sorrow

that man is the only animal that blushes.

Or needs to.

In fact, I blush a little now as I look back.

Some things a man doesn't like to tell about himself

unless he gets beyond the grave, as they say.

But now I can tell the truth, the whole truth and..

Well, that is within limits.

You see, truth is a very valuable thing.

And I believe we should be a little economical with it.

Well, I was born under the comet

now that's the truth.

And I grew up in the village of Hannibal, Missouri.

That's the truth.

I think the village contained a 100 people

and I increased the population by one percent.

That's more than some of the best men

in history have done for a town.

Life unfolded gently there.

And the Mississippi was more important than the Seven Seas.

Right in the middle of it was Jackson's Island.

It was the lair of a bloodthirsty

band of pirates as ever scuttled a ship.

There was Tom, the terror of the seas.

And Huckleberry the red-handed.

And our slave-boy Jim, the avenger of the Picaroons.

And here were built the long, low luggers

that ploughed the Spanish Main.

The others supplied the labor

and, uh, I supplied the imagination.

- Hurry men, hurry! - What you callin' us for?

Those buccaneers will beat us to the treasure.

'They ain't nothing but white-trash on a raft.'

That's Captain Kid and his pirates in disguise.

'What?'

It seems like the doggondest things

keep goin' on wherever Master Sam is at.

We rescued many a beauteous maiden

and made many a villain walk the plank.

And of course, we gave our spoils to the poor.

It's a galleon men, get ready to board her!

Master Sam, you know we can't get aboard that steamboat.

and if we does, they'll gonna fling us off.

But pirating was only secondary

it was the river that held us.

The broad, majestic river

with its lazy current and its soft, cool mud.

Its steamboats were our dreams of luxury

and their pilots were our Gods.

Gosh, fellahs, the big Missouri.

And look at the pilot up there, running the whole business.

Ooh! Oh!

I clung to the river until the last

precious moment of the day.

Then I had to give up my life of crime and go home.

I used to shinny up the porch roof and in a window.

I got so I could do it in record time.

I suppose most boys who try to fool their mothers.

I used to try to fool mine.

Sam.

Sam, you needn't play possum. I heard you coming in.

Sam.

Time to get up, ma?

You know perfectly well, I ought to tan you Sam Clemens.

You realize that for four life-long hours

I haven't known whether you were alive or drowned.

Oh, ma, I'll never get drownded.

Well, I reckon it's just 'cause as you were born to hang

like all the other river riffraff.

Nothing ever happens around this old town

except on the river.

The river. I wish I'd never heard of that river.

Once that Mississippi mud gets into you Sam, it never gets out.

'About all that's left to me in this life'

to try to make you into a fine, cultured man.

Looked up to and respected, like your father was.

I reckon that river is too much for me.

Gosh, ma.

Why don't you try once more

to help Orion in the printin' shop?

Just during your vacations so that you'll stay out of trouble.

Won't you try, son?

And maybe some day you'll learn to be a printer.

Alright, ma. I'll try.

After three years in that print shop

I was ready to change places with a convict.

And pay him a bonus.

I was pretty well discouraged.

My brother Orion was more discouraged.

Ssh! Quiet, Rock.

- Sam. - Now what have I done?

Oh, my stars a-mighty, it does seem to me

that the past three years here would have taught you

to do something right.

"Seth Peters paid his subscription this week

with two bushels of large, yellow bears."

Pears, you dunce, not bears!

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows but Jesus ♪

♪ Nobody know.. ♪♪

'Come on! Steamboat is coming!'

Steamboat's comin', Sam.

Well, I guess you're not in much of a hurry.

There's seven hours work on that floor, you dunderhead.

If only somebody invented a machine

that would set type by itself

he'd make ten million dollars and I'd pay half.

Clemens! I won't stand for this.

Well, I'm sure I don't understand, Mr. Higgins.

Look at that.

"Last Tuesday, Mr. Higgins, editor of "The Bugle"

"out-stood as a hero when he single-handed

rescued his self from drowning hisself."

Why, I never saw, "His sweetheart

"left him high and dry.

'"So he waded out in the river to end his sorrows.'

"When his soundings showed he could not get drowned

"without getting in over his head.

He turned around and waded out, and is in our midst again."

This is serious! Fightin' serious.

Mr. Higgins sir, I swear I never set eyes

on that item before in my..

Do you mean to say that..

'Holy sufferin' Jehoshaphat!'

Takin' you by and large, Sam Clemens

you do seem to be more different kinds of an ass

than I ever saw before.

Why I ever took you aboard beats me.

- Where are you takin' her now? - I wished I was dead.

There's one thing you've got to have, Sam Clemens

if you're going to be a river pilot.

And that's a memory.

You can't think you know this river.

You got to know you know it.

Yes, sir.

That's Angel's Point, over yonder.

There's shoal water at that cottonwood.

That's the Harrison plantation on that bluff.

- Stop that! - Yes, sir.

♪ Quarter less Twain ♪♪

Look out, look out! Don't hug that slick place.

There ain't six feet there.

She won't stand it. She begins to smell it.

Look sharp, I tell you!

Seven feet.

Look out. Look out.

Oh, blazes, there you go.

Cramp her down. Snatch her, snatch her.

Stop your starboard wheel, quick!

Ship up to back. Set her back.

Let go of that whistle cord! What are you doing up there?

Don't you remember what I told you about those bluff reefs?

- What did I say? - I don't know, sir.

You, y-you don't know.. Well, look here!

Now, why do you think I told you all that stuff?

To be entertaining, I thought, sir.

To, to be.. Get out of this pilot house.

Get off this boat. Dive overboard.

Shoot yourself, anything, but got out of here

before you sink us all.

'Come back here.'

I said I'd learn you the river.

And when I tell a man I'll learn him the river

I'll learn him if it kills him.

Take the wheel.

Take it.

Hold her steady now. She'll pull through.

♪ Mark Twain ♪

♪ Safe water ♪

♪ Mark Twain ♪♪

Well, there's one call you'll never forget

so long as you live, boy.

Mark Twain.

Safe water.

Many a night of storm and fog

when you're trying to go on through

you'll be strainin' your ears to hear that call.

The welcomest sound in all the world

to a riverman is those two words, Mark Twain.

I've remembered Bixby all these years.

I don't see why he didn't drown me.

He must have been a good teacher

because after a while I was a pilot.

And I was beginning what I suppose

a man must call his, his real life.

Sam! Uh, Mr. Clemens.

Now, here's the thing. You take this rock sample.

- I've been tryin' to tell you-- - For the one hundredth time.

No, no. This is a different kind of rock.

Look, Clemens, if I didn't think so much of you

I wouldn't try and argue you into this.

Steve Gillis, why don't you try to do right?

It would please an awful lot of people.

And astonish the rest.

This rock's no good. It's got a rotten streak in it.

- That's silver, you jughead. - It is?

Sure, the mountains is just bustin' with it.

So why should you go to seed on the river

when you could go out West and get rich?

Steve, it isn't that I don't, believe you

but what does a river pilot want with a million?

I'm tellin' you a man wouldn't know this river lately.

Yes, sir. Yankees rushin' West.

I don't suppose the man lives that can stand prosperity.

Other people's, I mean.

And 50,000 longhorns by way of the Cross Timbers.

All down and around she goes.

Why the whole town is built on a mountain of silver.

Oh, Sam, if you don't do this

you'll regret it all the rest of your life.

Now, I know you're gonna be with me

so I'll get the assayer's report and that will prove it.

'Alright, gentlemen. Keep your eye on the ace of spades.'

There you are, gentlemen. Who wants to try?

'I-I'll take this one.'

'Sorry. Now, watch closely. It's all very simple.'

Incredible. Permitting themselves

to be robbed like that. Sorry.

We give the chance and you take it.

If at first you don't succeed--

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on and quick.

Now, the rest of it.

Can I help you, Mr. Clemens?

It's too bad we haven't got a cure

for this fella's manners.

Maybe drownin' will help.

Alright. Cast off.

- Ain't these yours? - What?

Why, yes, I-I believe they are.

Oh, there's something else.

Thank you, I-I think that's mine also.

Yes, yes.

I suppose she's your, uh..

- My sister. - Good.

I mean, I mean, of course. Of course.

- Glad to have met you, sir. - Oh, thank you, sir.

- Oh, Mr. Clemens.. - Try again?

- Mr. Clemens? - Yes, sir?

Oh, I, I'm indebted to you.

- My name's Charles Langdon. - Langdon?

Have you over been to a pilot house?

Well, come up later on.

I'm, uh, gonna give the boys a little surprise.

Surprise?

Uh, there's some old shellbacks around here

that'd jump off this boat

if they knew what was ahead of them tonight.

Hey, uh, can I, uh..

- Can I see that again? - I beg your pardon?

Nothing. Nothing. Just let it go.

'Change your luck with the other diners.'

'Step right up and around she goes!'

A passenger in the pilot house is kinda special.

Those are pilots back there, not on duty

they're just studying the river.

This fog's getting' thicker and thicker.

Should've tied up an hour ago. Oh, you know it, yourself.

If he's dead set to wreck her, I want to see it from up here.

On account of the view.

Do you think your sister would be interested in--

Do pilots have to study?

Oh, we never do anything else.

This river takes up all our time.

How, uh, old did you say your sister was?

You look-a here, the Captain tells me

you're gonna tie up short of Hat Island.

You bet your gizzard he's gonna tie up.

Do you think he wants to knock the steamboat's brains out?

I've gotta pick up 80 ton of buffalo hides in St. Jo.

You do.

No pilot ever run Hat Island in the fog

and no pilot ever will.

Now, you get out of here.

Pretty bad, Mr. Clemens.

I think we'd better tie up.

I'll tell you when I want to tie up.

Put out those torch baskets.

- Put out those torch baskets! - Drown them fires.

Get that light out. Hurry! Jump off.

I suppose in the case of a girl like your sister--

It's getting pretty hard to see the river, isn't it?

Oh, no, no. Trick is to guess which is the wet part.

From here it seems wide enough.

Sure, it's a full mile wide on the surface.

Underneath, it's one long mass of shoals

and bars and snags for twelve hundred miles of river.

And you have to know where each one of 'em is

within a couple of feet.

And they can change position over night.

You can't think you know this river

you got to know you know it.

'No, really?'

Learn twelve hundred miles of river.

This is the first time in seven years

Sam Clemens has told the plain, undecorated truth

and that young fella doesn't believe a word he says.

You mean you've never heard of these things?

Oh, well, you'll have to forgive my ignorance, Mr. Clemens.

But I'm afraid there are millions of people

who know even less about it than I do.

I never took no stock in the notion

that people wasn't the same everywhere.

We all speak the same language.

Sheer off you blasted fool, sheer off!

You trifling, dunderheaded

flea-brained river hog!

Why, you ornery, numbskullious, rapscallion mudcat raftsman!

'Serves you right!'

Put a light on that worm-eaten brush pile.

So a man can see of a night.

What was I sayin' about language?

I notice you keep looking back.

Oh, that? Well, um..

That's on account of the alligators.

- Alligators? - Mm-hm.

- Oh. Y-you run into them? - Oh, no, no.

They, uh, they grab on to the stern of the boat.

If there's one thing an alligator loves

better than another thing, it's to hitch a ride.

- Hitch a ride? - Mm-hm.

Of course, just a few alligators hangin' on behind aren't so bad.

'The boat can stand some drags.'

But then the next alligator grabs on to the first one's tail

and then, uh, another one grabs on to him

until you're pullin' a whole chain of alligators.

You, you've really seen this thing?

Nearly every trip.

Why, I've struggled up this river

draggin' a mass of alligators

nearly a mile long and ten alligators wide.

- Really? - Mm-hm. Hmm.

Of all thewhoppin', overgrown lies

I've ever heard in my life and that the young fella believes.

Thank heaven, there's the foot of Hat Island.

He'll have to tie up. I couldn't-a stood no more.

Sam, see you below in the Texas.

Aye, cap.

♪ Mark tire on the starboard ♪

♪ Mark tire on the starboard ♪♪

Wade, ain't he gone past his landin'?

Do you suppose any man alive is fool enough

to run Hat Island in this soup?

Stand by below.

♪ Oh half Twain ♪

♪ Larboard ♪♪

Half twain, larboard!

Call Bixby and the others.

They ain't never seen nothin' like this

and never will again.

Pile up a head of steam down there.

I'm gonna want everything you got.

We've tied the safety valve down now, sir.

'What?'

If this gas goes any higher

I don't want to be lookin' at it.

Well, hang your hat on the gauge.

When you blows up on a railroad, there you is.

But when you blows up on a steamboat, where is you?

He'll never make it.

And you're the man that taught him.

I didn't teach him this.

Sam, you'll never get her through.

Well, then I'll take her half through twice.

♪ Quarter left Twain starboard ♪

♪ Quarter left Twain Starboard ♪♪

Stand by. Get ready now.

I hope he knows what he's doing.

I've run this river nigh on 20 years, captain.

I never saw a man try this.

♪ Half Twain on the larboard ♪♪

'Half twain on the larboard.'

By George.

Her stern is coming down just exactly right.

She's over the first reef.

- 'Seven feet starboard.' - 'Seven feet starboard.'

- 'Six feet larboard.' - 'Six feet larboard.'

She's drawing a scant six feet.

- She's feeling it now. - He'll never make it.

'Nine feet starboard.'

'Nine feet starboard.'

'Eight and a half feet larboard!'

'Eight and a half feet larboard.'

- 'Seven feet starboard.' - 'Seven feet starboard.'

- 'Six feet larboard.' - 'Six feet larboard.'

'Groundin' larboard. Groundin'.'

Now let her have it. Every ounce you got.

'Groundin'. Groundin' larboard!'

'Groundin' larboard!'

Bear hard down. Snatch her. Snatch her!

♪ Mark Twain ♪

♪ Safe water ♪

♪ Oh Mark Twain ♪♪

Great work, Sam.

That was a lucky piece of piloting.

A beautiful job, Sam.

I never expected to see that.

Sam Clemens never did anything

like he was expected to in his life.

The old Mississippi done found her boss.

The pilot is a mighty man!

♪ The pilot is a mighty man ♪

♪ The pilot is a mighty man ♪

♪ The fog was thick like the river mud ♪

♪ The pilot made his plea ♪

♪ Let me drive this boat like I know I did ♪

♪ When the ark moved on the sea ♪

♪ When the ark moved on the sea ♪

♪ High water or low water ♪

♪ The pilot is a mighty man ♪

♪ Yes the pilot is a mighty man ♪♪

I never saw such thick weather in my life.

The other pilots are saying that it was the most..

What do you people call it?

Oh, lightning bit of piloting ever seen on the river.

I'm glad it suited 'em.

Because that was my last run.

It was your what?

I'm leaving the river.

But you're joking.

Well, yes, it is a joke, in a way.

All my life everybody's been trying to tell me

this river is only a wet streak in the dirt.

- A wet streak? - Yeah.

My, my parents, my brother, everybody.

They broke their hearts trying to tell me.

But, oh, no. I wouldn't listen.

Oh, Clemens, if ever I saw a man well-fitted for his job

and, and perfectly happy in that job, you were he.

Why, there's nothing in the world happier

than a frog in the mud.

But, you know, a, a frog can only see about eight feet.

I wonder what would happen if a frog saw a star?

It would kill him, probably.

He'd need a drink, probably.

'I didn't realize there was anything a riverman'

'could never have.'

It'll take time. I'll need money.

I'll head West first.

They're buildin' a whole new country out there, Langdon.

I'm gonna have a crack at it.

Well, of all the..

I can't imagine what's come over you.

I can tell you, but you won't believe me.

It wouldn't be possible for you to believe me.

Yes?

You see that picture of your sister there, Langdon?

Yes.

That's the girl I'm gonna marry.

We're almost there. Come on, Beulah.

Come on. Come on, come on.

'Beulah. Uh, Beulah, come on, do as I ask.'

Come on, Beulah. Push.

Beulah. Beulah.

Hoist her on the larboard, Steve.

She's hard-grounded.

You, uh..

I'm gonna learn you.

That reef's got her amidships.

Beulah.

Beulah, now don't aggravate me.

It's no use, Steve.

She's took root worse than a Jeff Davis Democrat.

Yeah. We might as well locate here.

Yeah.

That looks like a creek bottom there

so you might just as well start hauling water.

What for?

We gotta wash the gold out of this gravel

you lunkhead.

It's too bad Beulah didn't balk

where we could have flumed the water.

We'll need about a million gallons.

A million?

Why, you rapscallion, flea-brained

numbskullious, dunder-headed, dust-eatin'

'gully-hoppin', pot-wallopin'..'

Mississippi methods.

- They work too. - Yeah.

For a minute.

I sure think we're comin' to somethin', Sam.

Sam!

Hey, Steve!

Steve, I.. I can't find it!

What in the name of time are you doing down there?

I'm getting rich out West.

Here, take this.

Well, I found out what a mine is, anyway.

It's a hole in the ground with a darn fool at the end of it.

There's an old tunnel runs right under here.

Well, maybe we could dig our way around it.

Well, what's an abandoned tunnel doing there if there's any gold?

They missed the pay vein, that's all.

Yeah? Well, I'm finished, that's all.

Oh, no, Sam.

- Let's pan just one more. - No.

That last pan showed awful good color.

No.

Now don't get so previous, Sam.

- We might strike it any minute. - No!

Why are you so stubborn?

What'd we come here for, anyway?

I'd never showed up here if I'd known

there wasn't something here.

- You realize we're broke? - Yep.

No grub, no place to sleep. Yep.

All on earth I'm trying to do is to herd together

enough money to go East in decent style.

That girl isn't gonna wait forever

you know, without seeing me at least.

Are you sure that'd help?

Hurry up or I'll miss my stage.

That's $240.

There's another big strike at Horseshoe Bend.

Steve, it beats me how anybody can avoid

getting rich in this country.

People that came here three weeks ago are rich now.

And we get worse off by the minute.

He sold his interest for $10,000.

Can't we go back and give the mine another try?

- No. - Just one more pail of water.

No!

They sure go fast here.

Poor fella worked for the newspaper.

Take your opinions with you. We don't want them.

He had a right to print the facts.

Maybe you want to step into his shoes.

I-I didn't say nothing, Mr. Lake.

Then stand back.

Where is that newspaper office?

In there.

We'll set it out in bold type

just under the Enterprise.

And, Billings, that headline..

- Who are you? - Sam Clemens is my name.

I'm your new reporter.

Joe Goodman's my name, and I got a reporter.

Didn't you hear that gunfire just now?

You had a reporter.

Was that Daly? They got him too.

What are you doing now?

If there's one man in this town

so helpless or so low-down

that he can't speak his own mind

print it if he wants to, this country is done!

I'm writing an account of how that man died

and it's gonna curl somebody's hair.

'Good!'

That better, Sam?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine, Billings.

Now set her up.

- Sam. - Yeah?

Sam, where are we gonna get a frog?

Frog? Billings, you got a frog?

What in time do you want a frog for?

Well, Bret Harte over at Angel's Camp's got a frog.

Well, go borrow his frog. Let me work.

And he'll bet you every cent he's got his frog

can out-jump any frog in this country.

Don't you see what a chance it is?

Now you're a Mississippi frog expert.

We'll ride over to Angel's Camp and you pick us up a frog

that'll lay it all over his frog.

We get odds ten-to-one, and bet every cent we've got.

- We got? - Sure!

Now look here, Steve, I worked and slaved and scraped.

I got almost enough money to go East.

I'll be out of here in another two weeks, if you'd only..

Supposing that girl's family turns out to be dead rich?

Suppose they take you for a tramp

won't even let you through the door

all because you wouldn't listen to me.

Oh, I tell you I'm not--

Bret Harte's got a satchel full of money

he's begging us to take, tryin' to force it on us!

Steve, it's no use.

I'm not gonna catch you any frog.

Come on over this way. Come on!

Right over, right over here, Sam.

Now, I'll get him if he'll just sit still a minute.

- Now you have him! - Oh!

- 'Did you miss him?' - Yeah, I missed him.

- 'Keep after him now, Sam.' - Yeah.

'She's a good frog.'

- 'Catch him,Sam?' - No, I missed him.

- 'Come on. Come on.' - I'll get him.

- 'A little further forward.' - I see him. I see him.

I'll grab him by the legs.

Oh! That one didn't have any legs.

Shh!

Aah! All I got was a mouth full to cat-tails!

Now don't get to givin' up.

There's a hundred good frogs in here.

'There's one. There's a real champ!'

I'll get him. Shh!

Quiet now, Steve.

'There he is.'

No. No, Sam. No.

Go, come over to your left. Go to the left, Sam.

You quit telling me what to do, Steve.

Tell these frogs what to do.

'I never saw such slippery frog.'

'They must have eel blood in 'em.'

I give up, Steve. You come in and try it yourself.

It ain't no use. Can't stay here all day.

- Where's the frog? - I didn't catch it.

Yes, I did.

Oh, we're sure set to collect now.

Here, you take this money

and bet every cent of it on our frog.

You just bet the whole town.

Wait a minute. Where on earth did this money come from?

Well, uh, some of it I took from your mattress

and the rest of it, I..

Well, I gave the landlady a note.

Of course, I had to sign your name.

Oh, Steve, for heaven's sake!

I'll be four years paying this off.

- Oh, Sam? - Mmm.

- Did I ever let you down? - Yes!

Oh, now, Sam, don't talk like a ninny.

I tell you, I know what I'm talking about.

It's impossible for us to lose.

I tell you, we are in!

Damn! Damn!

Oh!

Oh, you..

Free drinks! Free drinks, everybody!

'Friends, thank you for making me chairman'

'of the Jumping Jubilee.'

'You all know why we're gathered here today.'

- 'You're darn tootin'..' - 'Ah, we'll continue..'

'Please! Please!'

Men of California!

And Nevada!

We are here today to decide a mighty serious thing.

A mighty serious challenge.

Daniel Webster, the longest jumping frog in the golden west

'owned by Bret Harte of Angel's Camp..'

'...has stood undefeated against all comers!'

Raise the odds.

And now comes an unknown frog from Virginia City.

Named after one of our leading citizens

that fine laundry man and cook, Wun Long Hop.

'Owned by Steve Gillis and Sam Clemens!'

Gentlemen, the honor of our two great cities is in the balance.

I ask for fair play

and we're here to see that everybody gets it.

Quiet! Quiet!

Remember each frog gets three jumps.

The sum of total counts.

This here visiting frog gets the first jump.

Bring on your frog, Steve Gillis!

- Did you get the money down? - Every cent.

Here's a hundred he'll out-jump him.

I'll embrace that bet.

Do you want to bet $50 on Daniel Webster?

Very sorry. Me Wun Long Hop.

Ground your frog!

Here, here, no inching!

Remember, one tickle on the first jump only.

Why, gentlemen, it's virtually an insult

to this magnificent specimen.

I repeat, an insult to pit him against

the puny entry of my belittler.

- Twenty-to-one. - Twenty-to-one.

Gentlemen, we're taking all bets! Twenty-to-one.

A loose holt and leave her fire!

Tickle him good, Steve!

Now hunch them muscles and heaves.

- Jump one! - Get, consarn you!

And two.

It's the third and last jump.

Come on now, Wun Long Hop! Hop!

'Hop! Hop!'

Doesn't mean a thing.

Three, six

nine, twelve.

Shh!

What does she measure?

Twelve, six and two-sixteenths.

It ain't too previous to tell you, but we're gonna be rich!

That was a great jump, Steve.

Now bring forth Daniel Webster.

Gentlemen, you are on the threshold of history!

A little more room, gentlemen. That's it.

Wouldn't like to have anybody injured.

Further back. Further back.

Give this amphibian marvel some room.

- 'Ground your frog, sir.' - To the starting line, Daniel.

Aim, frog, and jump at will.

Mind now. Only one tickle on the first jump.

- That's the law, neighbor. - Thank you, judge.

Daniel doesn't need it.

Get your knees into it now, Daniel.

Get ready, Daniel.

Flies, flies.

That's the first jump!

Pull yourself together, Daniel. Get your mind on this.

Give it everything.

Flies. Flies.

That's the second.

I asked you to get further back.

He's afraid to let go.

Get back, folks! Get back. Get back.

Ah. Now he can jump.

Stranger, would you be so kind as to remove that face?

Give it everything!

Flies! Flies!

You've never thrown off on me yet, Daniel.

If you love me, if you love me

give me the beans!

Flies. Flies!

If he ain't budged in 20 seconds he's out!

Flies! Flies!

[instrumental music

That's the third jump. That's official.

I'll pay off every legal bet. It's unusual weather.

I demand a re-jump under more auspicious conditions.

Steve, I don't know how you got

a full pound of buckshot into Daniel.

But it was very wrong.

Yeah, but we sure won, didn't we?

Ooh, what's the matter? Ain't you happy?

I didn't think so much of our frog, Steve.

He looked kind of puny to me

so I bet everything we had on the champ.

On Daniel.

You mean that you.. Hey. Hold on! Foul! No jump!

Come on! Give him a re-jump.

All bets off!

All bets off!

You gonna keep on writing forever?

Well, goodnight, Sam. See you in the morning.

Uh, Billings, uh, you mind if I sign your name to this?

What for?

Well, I, I want to send it to New York

and it isn't much good.

You sign my name to a lot of silly drivel and I'll sue you.

I aim to do a little writing myself one of these days.

- Sam! - What?

Quick! It's been discovered!

- What, the body? - No, this.

Look, it's worth $10,000 a ton.

Oh, come on, Sam.

You'll never get rich writing and reading.

And this is the richest strike since the Comstock Lode.

Now, look, everybody'll be there ahead of us. Got to hurry.

- Alright. - Let's go.

Buck just rode in with the word.

The whole town's on the move. We got to get horses.

You round up the horses. I'll get the riggin'.

This is the chance I've been waiting for.

Pardon me. I'm a stranger.

That's alright, mister. Who ain't?

Where can I find Mark Twain?

Better see Sam Clemens. He knows everybody.

Come on. Come on, hurry up with that extra shoe.

Hold your horses, fella. Hold your horse.

We got to get to going, or everything will be took.

I beg your pardon, do you know a man named Mark Twain?

I never heard of him. Try the jail.

I did, but you see.. I beg your pardon.

- Oh, oh, do you.. - No.

I.. Pardon me. I beg your pardon..

Say, this looks kind of familiar.

That's the best I can do.

I'm sorry, boys, but there's nothing left.

We've gotten rid of everything. You're just too late.

Tim! Tim! Check that load up at the top shaft.

Hey, mister, where can we stake our claim?

If you boys had only been here an hour ago

I could've sold you 50 or 60 feet of the vein

at only a $1000 a foot.

You mean there ain't any left even at that?

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, Tim! Tim, you'll need two teams on that.

You remember this place, Sam?

How we located our mine 'cause the mule wouldn't go no further?

We owned the whole mountain.

Do you realize where you're standing?

Of course I realize where I'm standing.

I'm standing exactly in the marks

where that other jackass stood.

But I've traced Mark Twain to this very office.

- Huh? What's that again? - Now, look, please.

If you'll think a moment, you must know a man

named Mark Twain.

Just one more pail of water.

I kept on beggin' and beggin' you.

But would you? No.

Stop it, will you, Steve?

You want to drive me crazy?

So your mind's set, huh?

Out in this country, I'm nothing but a public risk.

Well, I'm going to miss you, Sam, you and your tall tales.

A man won't know where to go for a real overpowering lie

with you out of the way.

I'm through playin' the fool, Steve.

The only place in the world where I belong

is at the wheel of a steamboat

and the quicker I get back to it, the better.

I'm sorry, Mr. Pond, but I never heard the name.

- Well, now look here.. - Here, son, quick.

Grab some paper. We got to get an extra in the street.

Excuse me.

Look here, I'd like to ask you this..

Fort Sumter's been fired on.

- Fort Sumter? - By who?

The North and the South are at war.

The Mississippi River is closed.

The federal army is marching on Virginia.

The.. The Mississippi River is what?

Blockade. Steamboat sunk at St. Louis

'trying to run the shore batteries.'

No steamboats? No river trade?

And maybe no country. Here. Here, Billings.

'Put this in column one.'

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to push the Northern Armies into the sea

if I can get transportation.

Wait a minute. What's your name?

Sam Clemens, river pilot.

Oh.

Well, there must be a Mark Twain somewhere.

Joe, put this Mark Twain frog story

in the front page with the war news.

On the front page, boss?

If the country ever needed one flicker of a smile

it needs it now.

"And he held Daniell upside down.

That frog belched up a double handful of birdshot."

One man has kept laughter alive, and I can't find him.

Say, if you mean the fella that wrote "The Jumpin' Frog"

his name's Sam Clemens.

Used to be pilot of the Queen of Dixie.

You'll likely find him somewhere along the river.

Pretty run-down, isn't she?

Oh, I don't know.

That's a good crop of oat hay on the boiler deck.

I'd give something to find the pilot of that steamboat.

I'd give something to find a steamboat.

Several years ago, I went all the way to California

looking for the pilot of that boat.

Could've made him a fortune too

if I'd only known his name was not Mark Twain.

Isn't that a pretty slim clue?

Must be dozens of people not named Mark Twain.

His name was Sam Clemens.

Used to pilot this very boat.

Say, aren't you..

Yes, I remember.

I met you in the office of the Enterprise.

You're Sam Clemens. You wrote "The Jumping Frog."

Say, this is great. This is magnificent.

I'll have you lecturing in New York within two weeks.

- Oh, no, you don't. - I'll make you famous.

- I'll make you successful. - Not me.

I tried making a speech once.

Think of the opportunity.

Oh, no, I'm not going to make you any speech.

Something must've happened. That's a sure thing.

We can't wait any longer, Sam.

The senator must've missed his train.

Look here, Pond, somebody's got to introduce me.

Not a soul in that audience knows me from Adam.

You don't need an introduction.

These people came to hear the man who wrote

"The Jumping Frog."

Nobody remembers that.

Pond, I'm sorry, I let you holler me into this.

I'm just not cut out for it, that's all.

I wish to heaven I never had any relations with that frog.

Just a minute. You'll be alright.

- You just go on. - Don't push me into this.

I tell you, I'd commit suicide this minute if I had the pluck.

And the outfit.

Ladies and gentlemen..

'I know that man. His name's Sam Clemens.'

It is my distinguished pleasure

to introduce your principal speaker tonight.

Mark Twain is too well-known

to require a formal introduction at my hands

so I'm out here to do a useless thing

and that's right in my line.

Halley's Comet..

Halley's Comet comes back to this Earth

every 75 years which is wonderful.

Science cannot explain why it wants to come back

after a good look at us.

Mark Twain, ahem, Mark Twain rode into this world

on the tail of that comet

and, uh, after tonight, a great many people

are going to be disappointed if it don't come right back

and take him away again.

I give you Mark Twain.

I give you Mark Twain.

I thank the previous speaker.

I have seldom in my lifetime listened to compliments

so felicitously phrased or so well deserved.

When I think of what the newspapers

are going to do to me tomorrow

I wish I could count on as good an epitaph

as we gave an old colored woman I used to know

who fell on a hot stove and was roasted.

After a great deal of thought

we just put on her tombstone

well done, good and faithful servant.

In one of my, uh, recent southern-most trips

uh, I overheard, uh, Satan himself

complaining to a newcomer.

He said, "The trouble with you New York people

"is that you think you're the best people down here

whereas you are merely the most numerous."

I thought I'd only be able to speak about five minutes

and I've talked an hour and a half.

I wonder if you'd let me say one serious thing

that I feel very much.

I just want to say..

...men will always vary

in nature, race, creed, and desires.

They'll always be the, the belligerent

and the oppressed.

But in our country, we can and..

...and must hold fast to our ideal of democracy

because we've made it a shining reality.

'Let's cherish our proud traditions'

'of freedom and tolerance.'

Let's vow that our tolerance will never become indifference

and our freedom never become license.

Let's respect each other's rights

and defend with the pen, if possible

or the sword, if need be

our inalienable privilege to be a free and united people.

Bravo! Bravo!

This is indeed a very great pleasure.

Pardon me, Mr. Howells, if you will wait here a moment

I'll get Mr. Twain. He's very anxious to meet you.

- Certainly. - How do you do?

Will you excuse me, please? William Dean Howells is here.

- I just got hold of him. - Who?

Of the "Atlantic Monthly."

The foremost literary critic in the country.

And he looks perfectly bland.

Now look, please play up to him. He's terribly important.

- Mr. Howells. - Were all those stories true?

I wanted to tell you, my aunt had the most

amusing experience with a mule.

- Mark, I'm very happy to-- - Just a moment.

Good evening. Good evening. How'd you enjoy the lecture?

'He-he certainly has a fine sense of humor.'

'You know, I met him when he was pilot on the Mississippi.'

- 'I remember..' - Hi.

Oh, excuse me. I'm so glad to see you.

Olivia, I like to present Mr. Clemens.

Or Mr. Twain. My sister.

I knew you in a second, Mr. Clemens.

I'm afraid I've been talking to your sister all evening.

Or did you notice?

Why, I..

We hope you'll make an appearance in Elmira.

Well, thank you. That's mighty kind.

Well, uh, we'll have to hurry to catch our train.

What are we waiting for? Come on.

Mark..

Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, but, uh..

How does he become a houseguest?

Honestly, father, I don't quite know.

All this is rather preposterous, you know.

Yes, sir, I'm afraid it's more so than you realize, sir.

You see, when I met Mr. Twain on the river

Olivia's picture caught his eye and he promptly announced

that he was going to marry her.

Marry her? He's got to get out of here.

The presumption of these Westerners is beyond endurance.

So just as he grabs for the cat, Mrs. Langdon

he-he slips on the icy rope.

And he goes avalanchin' down through the trellis

'right in the middle of my sister's party'

'in-in his nightshirt.'

Really?

Uh, ahem.

I tell you, if you ever knew Jim Wolf..

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Twain

but you barely have time to make the 9:25.

- 'Why, Jervis--' - 'I'm sorry.'

Oh.

I got no real call to..

I'd be happy to drive you to the depot.

Don't put yourself to the trouble.

- Don't mention it. - 'Carriage is ready, father.'

Thank you. Mr. Twain, we'll just be able to make it.

Well, uh.. Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, Mr. Twain.

Uh, I just want you to know

whatever happens next

I wouldn't have missed this.

'Not for all the steamboats that ever rode the Mississippi.'

Goodbye, Mr. Clemens. I hope we'll see you again soon.

Step right in, Mr. Twain. We must hurry.

Whoa!

Now, how did he manage to do that?

'Mr. Clemens, did you hurt yourself?'

What a stupid thing to have happen.

- 'Careful, Charles. Careful.' - Let's take him inside.

- Aw! - Quick, get the doctor.

What part of the anatomy did you say he fell on?

- I haven't the faintest idea. - Ah. Psk.

Mm..

Well, just to be safe

we better not move him for the present.

'He's certainly tame, isn't he?'

'Of course he is, Livy.'

You know as well as I do there are no wild animals

until man makes them so.

I sometimes wonder who's better off.

You do have a very weak opinion of yourself, don't you?

I guess so.

I just don't belong in your world.

Then there's something wrong with my world.

Oh, no, there isn't, Livy.

It's a wonderful world because it's got you in it.

I'm an outsider.

A tramp pilot, a mudcat with the river dried up.

Oh! There's an e-example of our temperamental

New England weather.

That's the trouble with you folks here in the East.

Everybody talks about the weather

but nobody does anything about it.

I guess you knew all the time I've been here.

Yes, I, I did.

Now that you've found me out, you gonna tell on me?

I always knew that some time I'd have to come and find you

to see if you were real.

- But now.. - Now you're disappointed?

No, now that I know you, you're so much finer

and so much dearer than anything I could over dream.

I know you can't ever marry me.

I know now that isn't possible.

But, anyway I'll always be sure

the best thing I ever did was to fall in love with you.

Well, I, I reckon I got to give back something I've got

that doesn't rightfully belong to me.

Why, where on earth did you get this?

The first time I saw it

I knew I'd never seen anyone so beautiful

and so sweet, and so I, I stole it.

It's been in the bottom of mines

up mountains, across plains

everywhere with me for a long time.

Why, Mark.

It's pretty silly of me, I see now.

I couldn't even support you.

Your father's made that clear to me in a hundred different ways.

And he's right.

Mark!

Why did you come East?

To look for you.

That's what brought Sam Clemens here.

But, Mark, answer me this.

Why did Mark Twain come East?

You've forgotten about him, haven't you?

I guess I have.

I'm not going to let you forget him again.

Because I'm going to be with you, Mark.

I don't care whether we ever have anything or not.

I just want to be with you.

You can say that in spite

of your family and everybody?

And everything?

I knew it the night of the lecture.

The first time I looked at you.

Livy, I'd split the world wide open

for you to prove you're right.

So this is yours now.

And you can stop all this lying and stealing.

Livy, I give you my word, I'll never tell another lie.

He must've heard me.

Come in.

Sit down, Mr. Twain.

Or Mr. Clemens.

Rhymes with lemons.

Oh, I see.

I've finally heard from your, uh, friends

whom you yourself requested to write to me.

I guess I felt I needed a few words in my favor.

This clergyman, the Reverend Stephen Gillis

of, uh, Jackass Hill, says that he expects you

to fill a drunkard's grave.

Now, would you look at that!

I suppose I've lied for that man five hundred times.

Wouldn't you think he could do as much for me

just this once?

Clemens, what kind of people are these?

Haven't you a single real friend in the world?

Surely don't seem so, does it?

I admire you for one thing, Mr. Clemens.

Your cool courage makes Washington

of Valley Forge look timid.

Well, I.

I'm told that you're a writer.

Perhaps.

Perhaps we here have a little different conception

as to what a writer is.

Emerson, Longfellow, Whittier, Oliver Wendell Holmes

men born of these rocks and hills

great shadowy names like Gods on Olympus.

We think of these as writers!

I should not have thought that some

comic bits tossed off in catch-penny papers

would have entitled anyone to class himself among them.

Well, Mr. Langdon, I don't claim to be--

I have talked to Livy, I have no further hope

of changing her purpose.

You think it's as bad as..

Livy is a delicate, sensitive girl.

You've elected to take her away from everything she's lived for.

Mr. Langdon, I swear to you, I'd give my life--

Father, Father! Mother just gave me this.

Mark, look at it!

What is it, some kind o' summons?

No, no. It's the deed to a house in Buffalo.

Father's wedding gift to us.

Oh, why did you have to scare me so when all the time

you meant to do this wonderful thing?

Livy, your happiness means everything to me.

Well, Mr. Langdon, sir, I just want you to know

if you're ever up in our vicinity

you can come and stay with us

stay over night, if you want to

and it won't cost you a cent!

- Good evening. - Mr. Twain.

Good evening. It's good to see you again.

I don't know how I'd stay in business without you.

You got a contract with some orphan asylum?

Oh, no. I like to play with these, myself.

It's for a little boy, a tiny little boy.

I know. I can tell by the things you always pick.

Uh, how old is he?

Well, in some ways, by actual count

he's only about a year, but..

But him and you are just the same age.

Isn't that right?

I can run a month on a compliment like that.

I, I know. I know.

Uh, you couldn't write like you do if you was any different.

- Oh, Mr. Twain? - Hmm?

Mr. Twain.

Could you do me the honor to write your name

in "Innocents Abroad?"

- Hmm. Huh. - I've read it four times.

Good. Good.

Oh, no. No, it's you that's good to ask me.

Would you write your name in "Roughing It"too?

I've read this one seven times.

'By George, I'm gonna refund you my royalty.'

Will you bring your little boy in to see me?

I'd like to meet him.

The very minute he gets over his cold.

Good. Good.

Oh, how about this nice Noah's Ark?

No, no. I'm opposed to Noah.

This world would be a lot better off

if Noah had missed the boat.

Here. This is more like it.

Just what I wanted.

I'm sure he'll like this.

He doesn't see it.

He doesn't see it.

Get Dr. Quintard, quick!

Have some tea.

Is it going any better, Mark?

I can't write anything Livy.

I don't reckon I'll ever write anything again.

I wanted to take our little boy to Mississippi.

I wanted to take his hand

and wade with him in the Mississippi mud.

I can feel that mud between my own toes yet.

I can hear the steamboat whistles far off down the bend.

'He'll never see the river now.'

No, Mark, our little son will never see it.

But Mark, you must save those things you loved.

You must save them for whole generations of little boys

of all ages. Forever.

You mustn't let those precious things be lost.

You're the only man who's lived who can do it, Mark.

Because you're the only man in the world

who still is that little barefoot boy.

Wading in the Mississippi mud

playing out on the raft.

Watching the steamboats

the way you've told me so many times.

It all seems so long ago.

But you'll remember.

You'll remember it all as nobody else ever can.

You do remember.

You've got to remember.

Come on, Huck. Hurry, Jim.

Hey, Tom, what that say?

"What...does...pirates..

...have...to...do?"

"Tom said"

"Tom said?" Hey, that's me.

Hey, what did I say?

I wasn't asleep.

Just...resting my eyes.

- Have you nearly finished? - Shh!

Oh, Mark.

Mark, it, it's so great

so human, so real.

Do you think anybody will ever read it?

Read it?

Why the whole world is going to read it

in every language, in every country.

This year, and next and in a thousand years

they'll still be reading it.

Do you know what you've done?

You've captured youth.

You've given eternal youth

to every living mortal who can read.

Livy, if you like it, that's all I care about.

Youth...that's what you are.

I'll never be able to think of you as anything else.

Mr. Howells..

Mr. Howells..

Uh, would you sign this, please?

Why yes, of course.

Uh, that's Mark Twain's latest work, isn't it, sir?

I think this book should cure every torpid liver

and chronic grouch in America.

May I read it later, sir?

I've read everything he's written.

You have?

Oh, well, nearly everyone I know

has read "Roughing It", sir.

And "Tom Sawyer", that was a great one.

All Mark Twain's books have been great, Hardy.

I'll tell you how I know.

I try to read a book solely from the standpoint of a critic.

In spite of everything, I've had myself reading

Mark Twain's books from the standpoint of a human being.

The public must agree with you, sir.

Our subscriptions jump enormously every time

Mark Twain's name appears on the cover.

That reminds me. I want to send him an invitation.

Is he at Quarry Farm or at Hartford?

- 'Hartford, sir.' - Good.

Take a letter "My dear Mark Twain.."

It beats me.

It beats me.

How can they want me to speak?

At Whittier's birthday of all places.

Oh, Mark, I knew it would come.

And William Dean Howells of all people to ask you.

Remember the night you swept by him after that lecture?

Do I remember..

- What are you looking for? - Collar buttons.

- It's in your shirt. - Oh, yeah.

They're having people with names

that we used to start meals with in Missouri.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Henry Waldo Longfellow

John Greenleaf Whittier.

Oliver "Waldo" Holmes.

Do you think I'd better speak as Mark "Waldo" Twain?

Now, don't tell me you're going to wear that.

I'm afraid I threw my necktie out the window.

Oh, Mark, when will you stop doing those things?

I'll find you another one.

Do you, do you suppose

they've actually read my things?

Oh they couldn't have.

It's just like unloading an ordinary mud-cat

on a parcel of Gods.

Now, it isn't that at all.

It's just that everything we've worked

and waited and hoped for

is suddenly all coming true.

I, I can't wait to write to father.

I hooked the tie alright, now she's fouled.

I'm William Dean Howells.

Well, come on in if you feel alright.

Rest yourself, sir.

I suppose I'm the happiest person in the world tonight.

For you to be recognized and appreciated

by people who know what's fine.

Livy, if one literary gentleman hollers "snag"

I'll probably jump overboard.

Come in.

Excuse me.

The-there is Mr. Howells.

He's standing quiet now.

He's standing by the umbrella stand.

I had better go down.

Do give them your best tonight, Mark.

I'll bust a boiler for them, Livy.

Don't forget, I stay in town overnight.

I know dear.

Sir, Mr. Howells wants you to fetch it and hurry.

I'll be there.

I don't know which one these shoes..

Uh..

Oh, oh, hello, Pond!

Hey, Pond, have you, have you got a pair of suspenders?

Suspenders? Sure.

Well, let me have them, will you?

Come on up the trellis.

Here, here, let me give you a hand.

It hasn't been such a battle between me and my equipment

since the Grand Turk blew up mid stream.

- Is Howells here yet? - Yes, he's downstairs.

Well, you know, Mark

this is the most important event since I met you on the levy.

After tonight, you'll have those bigwigs right in your pocket.

Yeah, I promise you one thing, Pond

I'm gonna hoist those bigwigs

with the doggonit surprise they ever had in their life.

It just came to me while I was dismissing that shirt.

Yes sir, I hope those fellows have a sense of humor.

And so, I give you Mark Twain.

Mr. Toastmaster..

Mr. Whittier..

Gentlemen.

Standing here on the shore of the Atlantic

and contemplating certain of it's literary billows..

...I'm reminded of a thing that happened to me once.

When I had just succeeded in stirring up a little..

...Western literary puddle myself.

I'm sure you're going to enjoy Mark Twain, Mr. Whittier.

Yes.

I, uh, started an inspection tramp

through the mines of California.

I was callow and conceited.

And resolved to try the virtue of my pen-name

I very soon had an opportunity.

I knocked at a miner's lonely cabin in the Sierra Snows.

A melancholy, bare-footed man opened the door.

And when I told him I was Mark Twain..

...he looked more dejected than before.

He let me in pretty reluctantly I thought.

Then he said, in the voice of one who is secretly suffering.

"You're the fourth literary man

who's been here in 48 hours. I'm going to move."

Here, you don't tell me, said I. Who are the others?

He said, uh, Mr. Longfellow

Mr. Emerson, Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Consound such a rough bunch.

You can easily believe I was interested.

I supplicated.

Three hot whiskeys did the rest.

Finally, the melancholy miner began.

'Says he, Mr. Holmes was as fat as a balloon'

'he weighed as much as three hundred.'

'Mr. Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chaff, red-headed.'

Mr. Longfellow was built like a prizefighter.

'His head was cropped and bristly'

'like a wig made of hairbrushes.'

And they'd been drinking, I could see that.

However, I..

However, as I start to get out my bacon and beans

'Mr. Holmes gets his eye on a jug.'

Says he, "Flash out a stream of blood-red wine

for I would drink to other days".

'So, by George, I was getting kind of worked up.'

- Did you sponsor this? - It never occurred to me.

So now Mr. Emerson, uh, he points to me and he says, uh

"Is yonder squalid peasant all that

'this proud nursery could breed?"'

'He was a whetting of his Bowie knife'

on his boot at the time so I let that pass.

I stopped the miner.

Said, uh, why these were not

the gracious singers to whom the world pays loving reverence.

These were imposters.

The miner investigated me for a while

and then said

"Ah, imposters were they? Are you?"

I did not pursue the subject.

Emerson, Longfellow, Whittier, Oliver Wendell Holmes.

We think of these as writers ..

and you compare yourself to these men?

Mr. Chairman, in my enthusiasm

I may have exaggerated

the details a little.

But I hope you'll forgive me.

Since I believe this is the first time

I have ever

deflected from perpendicular fact..

...on an occasion like this.

Livy, please.

Please.

I ought to be shot.

I guess almost anybody would be glad

to furnish the powder and lead.

I don't see how any one man can be so many kinds of a fool.

Mark.

Livy..

...what on earth ever persuaded you

to marry such an insufferable idiot?

Mark, I..

...I'm only crying because..

...because I've been reading your new story

your Huckleberry Finn.

It's the greatest thing you've ever done.

It's greater than Tom Sawyer.

Don't you know.. Haven't you heard?

You must tell me what's coming next in this wonderful story.

And tell me by writing it, so it won't be lost.

Finishing this is more important

than anything else could be in the world.

Believe me.

Believe me, Mark.

This is what matters.

It hardly seems possible that I could ever..

But if this is half as good as Livy seems to think..

I'm sorry, Mark.

I hardly do but to borrow the papers

but Livy must have cut out the reports

'hoping you wouldn't see them.'

Don't let it beat you, Mark.

That girl believed in me when not one voice

not a word was raised on my behalf.

I promised my immortal soul that I would prove she was right.

I didn't know then that I'd have to change myself

clear down to the roots.

The way I think, the way I, I breathe

the words I know, but I can do that too.

I'll start again. I'll change the name I write with.

"Mark Twain?" The Mississippi river did this to Livy.

The mud of Mississippi is in my blood.

Oh, Pond, I'm going to get it out.

I'm going to get it out if it's the last thing do!

Mark, why won't you tell me where we're going?

Because I want to astound you.

- You'll see in a few minutes. - Can't you even say?

All I can say is you're going to see something

that's gonna revolutionize the civilized world.

- Oh, is that all? - It will change our lives too.

- Change our lives? - I have plans, Livy.

Plans for getting myself out of the mud.

It's a plunge, I know that.

Before we're through we may have to pitch in every cent we got.

But what an opportunity.

Livy, this is the best thing that's happened to me

since the day Joe Twitchell married us.

Isn't it wonderful, Livy?

Nothing like it has ever been seen in the world before.

When I was a boy, I never dreamed it was possible.

- What is it? - It's a Typesetter.

It sets type all by itself when you press these keys.

I know it looks ridiculous now, Livy

but the principle is amazing.

It picks up the type here

and it sets it altogether in the proper place here.

Think of it, Livy, a machine setting

hundreds of words a minute, thousands of pages a day.

Hey, that's right, Mrs. Clemens.

Of course this machine is just to gives you a crude idea.

Just the principle of the thing. I'll show you.

First, you wind the helical spring

then, you release these..

...and the line's catch..

...engage the clutch

then you sit down and play it like an organ.

See.

What did I tell you?

'I-it needs a little adjustment.'

Ouch! It's, it's uncanny.

Can you see it, Livy?

Mark, is this what we're putting all our money into?

I don't mean this thing the way it is now.

I'm seeing a great, smooth-running engine

the way it's going to be someday.

It will reduce the cost of printing fifty percent.

If we can get it perfected in time

to start our publishing house with this.

What publishing house?

Livy..

...Huck Finn is the last funny book

I'm ever going to write. I hope.

It's royalties will have to last us a long time

so I'm, I'm gonna publish it myself.

Mark, have you gone out of your mind?

I got 50 ideas to making publishing into a real thing.

A new kind of publishing.

But no writer has ever before done it.

That's it, nobody but we'll do it now.

We'll sell a hundred thousand copies, a million copies.

Cover the whole country. Own our own paper-mill.

Then my hands will be free

to write something serious and good.

But, Mark, everybody reads your stories and loves them.

But it isn't good enough, Livy.

There are people in the world whose proper company

is among the stars of the heavens.

You are one of them.

I mean to get the stars for you, Livy.

You know, a little change here

a little change there

$5,000 more, and we'll perfect it.

'Fine, fine. I'll give you a check.'

I tell you, we'll astound the world with that typesetter.

Yes, sir. This is certainly the age of progress.

Why, it beats me how anyone can keep

from getting rich in this country.

Telegraph lines race out and tie the hemisphere together.

Railroads done roll across thousands of miles.

The whole nation is coming of age.

Great new leaders rise up.

A Missouri tanner who fought the battle of the wilderness.

Leads his country in new victories and peace.

The typesetter has developed too, Mark.

$10,000 more will perfect it.

Our publishing house is growing, Mark.

It's gross is running tens of thousands.

Yeah, but why don't we make some profits?

Another funny book, Mark.

You must have money. Another, and then another.

One more funny book, for the publishing house.

One more for the typesetter.

Whole cities spring up. Great industries are born.

My part is to think up a giggle.

Another book, another.

$5,000 more will perfect it.

The publishing house needs money, Mark.

Another book, another! Perfect it.

- $5,000. - $10,000.

- Money, money, money! - Money, money!

Is there any end to this?

Can't I even free my hands for one year, for one week?

To do the single, fine, serious work I owe to Livy.

One more funny book, one more.

For the typesetter, for the publishing house.

More, Mark. More.

For the typesetter, the typesetter, the typesetter.

$10,000 more, Mr. Twain.

Can't I even get five minutes to swim?

While I scribble and scribble year after year

I tell you the world is going away from me.

Would you stop now after ten years of struggle

and lose all you've invested?

Yes!

I've gotten into the worst mess ever seen.

Well, you're the best financier in New York, Rogers.

All you got to do is just get me out.

Well, when you asked me to straighten out your affairs

Mark, I had no idea they were so involved.

I want to get shot of everything.

The typesetter, the publishing house.

I'm glad to hear you say that, Mark.

I believe I can get you out of this now

and still avoid bankruptcy.

Good, and just as soon as I publish this last book

we close the whole shebang.

Mark, if you invest one more cent in anything

I can't get you out.

This is the memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant.

- This is living history. - I'm sorry, Mark.

But if you're going to get yourself out with a whole skin

you've got to stop now.

You can't publish this or any other book.

This..

Well, alright.

I'll see Grant and explain.

I guess he'll understand.

- Oh, Mr. Twain. - Is the general in?

Yes, sir. He's in the study.

Mr. Twain, come in, come in.

- This is an honor. - General.

I regret that illness prevents me from rising.

Pull up a chair.

- Sit down my friend. - Thank you.

I regret also that circumstances

prevent me from greeting you with more

pomp and ceremony.

- Sit down. - Oh, general, I..

I had no idea.

You had, Mr. Twain. But then times are moving.

Humanity is busy with its own affairs.

I believe you once said yourself that

"Poverty is no disgrace, but it is a damnable inconvenience."

I presume you've come to talk about my book.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I...have come about the book.

I was delighted to have received your letters

and to know that you thought so highly of my work.

General, you've had offers from other publishers.

Yes, yes.

- You can see them. - Okay.

This is ridiculous.

This is outrageous.

At every point they've sensed

the fair thing to do

and scrupulously avoided it.

Only ten percent royalty.

General, if you ever permit yourself

to sign such a contract as this..

Well, isn't that all I have a right to expect?

A "right to expect"?

General Grant

who has a right to expect more than you?

In his own times perhaps, general

no man is truly great.

But believe me, sir

millions of children yet unborn

will know and realize your greatness.

Mr. Twain..

...that's the sincerest tribute

that has ever been paid to any man.

Mark, you are insane.

I warn you, this will bring about your absolute ruin.

I saw Grant ride in to Washington

at the head of 50,000 men.

Lean, strong, victorious.

He rode straight into the White House then

and I saw him yesterday. It was unbelievable.

He sat there broken, sick. Oh, literally dying.

- But still courageous! - Well, we'll put on a campaign.

That's exactly what we can't do.

Yeah, but, Mark, there are other publishers.

I've seen their offers.

They're taking miserable advantage

of his poverty and humiliation.

A cash advance, and seventy percent of the gross?

Have you committed yourself to these terms?

I tell you there are things here bigger than you or me, Roger.

Sir General Grant even.

If we turn our back on a man like that

we're changing ourselves into something cowardly

and weak and mean.

It takes all the dignity out of humanity.

It leaves us nothing but ashamed of what we are

Well, all that isn't on your shoulders, Mark.

You know that I could publish this manuscript of his.

And overnight his sad, broken beggary would end.

Do you honestly believe that Grant's book

would prove such a tremendous success--

I'm not, I'm not interested in making one penny

on the rescue of General Grant.

Then that settles it.

I tell you again Mark, if you do this one thing more

I can never get you out.

You'll be writing for the rest of your life

just to pay off your debts.

With bankruptcy staring you in the face.

Might be worth it.

Mark, General Grant would be the last one in the world

to permit the slightest risk to anyone but himself.

I beg of you, please consider it carefully and calmly.

Katie, Katie Leary!

Where in blazes are my pipe-cleaners now?

What kind of ornery dunder-headed trifling

do I have to put up with around here?

Katie Leary, you wild Irish Fenian

what do you mean by this? How many thousand times have I..

What was the actual reason that you know

that you should be hollering the top off..

Let me tell you something, Katie Leary

there's nothing lower on this earth

than a pipe-cleaner stealer!

Oh, you should be ashamed to..

With the little ones so close and in bed.

So upset they'll be with your bawling and bellowing

that they fair fail to get a wink of sleep.

That pipe-cleaner was worth upwards of 5,000 dollars.

If you'd stop your infernal raids on my desk

and quit making an everlasting wreck of this junk

things wouldn't be so calamitous around here. Now, watch this.

There. You see that line?

If you ever dare to set foot across that line again

you will instantly die seven different deaths!

'All of them new.'

You get..

Here is your pipe-cleaner.

Foul plague that it be.

Who put it there?

The idea of a grown man

behaving like you do.

He's worse than a lot of children.

Mark, I know it's a terribly hard decision to make

but you shouldn't take it out on Katie.

I'm not angry at Katie. She's just excitable.

- I wish I could help you. - Mmm.

But whatever you decide to do about General Grant

I know will be right.

I'm not at all sure I want to be right.

When I think of the number of disagreeable people I know

who've gone to a better world

I move to lead the worst life I can.

- Come on, papa. - Papa.

We wait for you to tell us a story.

- Jean! Susy! - I'm coming.

- I'll put them to bed. - I can still do that, can't I?

If it were anyone in the world but General Grant.

Come on, darling.

- Where are we going? - I'll show you.

Who is General Grant Papa? Was he a Mississippi pilot?

Well, he's, he's more like a woolly bear.

Come on, Clara, papa's going to tell us a story.

- About a woolly bear? - Yes, dear.

Once there was a woolly bear.

And he lived in a wonderful woods

full of lollipop bushes and all kinds of little animals.

And one day the woods caught fire.

And what did the bear do?

Well, he saw all the other

little animals running away

so he started to run too.

But he looked around

and suddenly he turned and he ran right at the fire.

Youth, if you're trying to give those babies nightmares again..

It's alright, mama, we never believe papa's stories.

Go on, papa.

Well, he ran right straight into the fire

and he began to spank it.

And he just flew around that woods

battering that old fire right to pieces.

What happened?

He saved the whole thing.

Did you see him, papa?

Oh, yes. Yes, I saw him.

And then after a while it was winter

all cold and snow.

And in all the woods, there wasn't

one warm home for that old woolly bear.

So he went away because woolly bears

don't know how to beg from anyone.

And he walked far off

very slowly, on his old hurt paws.

And he lied down in the snow

all alone, a dying old bear.

Nobody remembering or caring about him anymore.

- Poor old woolly bear. - Did he die, papa?

Not yet, darling. And we can't let him.

Mark, you're insane.

I warn you, this will bring about

your absolute ruin.

I saw Grant ride in to Washington

at the head of 50,000 men.

But all that isn't on your shoulders, Mark.

There are other publishers.

We turn our back on a man like that

we're changing ourselves into something

cowardly, weak and mean.

It takes all the dignity out of humanity.

It leaves us ashamed of what we are.

Millions of children yet unborn

will know and realize your greatness.

That's the sincerest tribute

that has ever been paid to any man.

I tell you again, Mark, if you do this

one thing more, I can never get you out.

You'll be writing for the rest of your life

just to pay off your debts.

With bankruptcy staring you in the face.

Mark, it's impossible for me to conceive

how a man of your superb abilities

has ended up in such a hopeless position.

Maybe it's because I've a greater genius

for getting myself into the worst possible fixes

than any man that ever lived.

You made a fortune for General Grant's widow.

What did you get out of it?

Satisfaction.

Mrs. Grant, hundreds of your friends

throughout the country have offered you their assistance.

Why won't you let us help you?

Once, down on the Mississippi there was a big flood.

And old darkie standing on the shore

saw a cat floating by in a chicken coop.

And that cat was a friend of his.

So he got himself a pole, and tried to pull it ashore.

You know what happened to the darkie?

- What? - He fell in himself.

After a while, that cat just jumped ashore.

Mark, you think you can ever jump ashore

from this chicken-coop?

Gentlemen, I've just come from the creditors meeting.

- Yes? - We reached an agreement.

I convinced them that they couldn't expect

more than fifty cents on the dollar.

Fifty cents on the dollar? I won't accept it.

- Now, I'm warning you. - It was all I can do.

Go back and tell them I won't accept it.

Go back and tell them it's not good enough.

I'll pay them every penny I owe.

Of course, we know that's you'd like, Mark

but do you realize your debt amounts to

almost a quarter of a million dollars?

It's utterly impossible.

Gentlemen, once when I wanted a frog

I went right out where the frogs were, and I got one.

There have always been a lot of foolish people in this world

actually willing to pay money to hear me speak.

So I am going on a lecture tour.

First across the United States to the West Coast.

Then across the Pacific to Hawaii.

Australia, New Zealand, China, India, Africa.

I'll speak in every principal city in this infernal globe.

I'll talk around the world, as long as anybody will listen.

Around the world, Mark, do you realize

what a plan like this means at your age?

Night after night, month after month, travelling, talking.

Why, it's beyond anyone's physical endurance.

You know of an easier way to earn a quarter million dollars?

But Africa?

Well, I guess I can stand it if Africa can.

What's the matter, don't you think I'd be funny in Hottentot?

Why the common flea has been to these places.

You want me to be beaten out by a flea?

I'll talk wherever six people

will gather together at a crossroads.

Then I'm going to flabbergast those creditors.

Oh, great heavens, if you can do this, Mark

you'll be the most famous man in the world.

And me the richest.

Can't we fix it to make you the most famous

and me the richest?

'There's Mark Twain.'

Hi, Mark, you got Huck Finn with you?

- Good luck, Mark. - Hey, Mark, you're the Prince.

And I'm the pauper.

I'll-I'll be carrying this one.

- Yes, sir. - Thank you.

Now what are you all sniffling about?

Can't a man go away once in his life without being cried over?

- You're crying yourself, papa. - I am not.

Papa, please take care of yourself.

Now look here, Clara.

Am I raising a daughter or are you raising me?

Why, I'm raising you. Somebody has to.

Well, don't worry about me.

I came into this world with Halley's comet

and I'm gonna stay here until it comes back for me.

That won't be for a long time, I hope.

'All aboard!'

Oh, Mark, I want to go with you.

Oh, now don't start that again, Livy.

It's only because you'd here with the girls that I can go.

- Mark! Come on. - Alright, alright.

Oh, Youth, I want so to go with you.

Oh, now, Livy, it will do you good

being shot of me for a while after all these years.

Don't forget, you're coming over

just as soon as the girls are off to school.

- 'All aboard!' - Good bye, Jean.

- Good bye, papa. - Susy.

- Good bye, papa. - Clara.

Please, please take care of yourself.

'All aboard!'

Take care of yourself. That's more important.

- Good bye, papa. - Good bye.

- Good bye, papa. - Good bye, papa.

Good bye, Youth. Good bye.

Mother, you were wonderful.

Papa didn't have the least idea that you weren't feeling well.

You know, there has been a great to-do

over Adam as the inventor of sin.

Why, it was nothing at all.

I could have done it myself.

Ladies and gentlemen..

...in the United States..

...we refer to Australia

as the other side of the world.

But I must say, now that I'm here.

It feels just as right-side-up as the other side.

I have a cable here from Rogers.

Uh-huh.

"Mark, you have a long way to go."

Mark Twain. Ha ha.

'In my travels around the world'

'I have been impressed by one fact more than any other.'

'The universal brotherhood of man.'

'He is our most precious possession.'

'What there is of it.'

The trouble with the human race is, uh..

...the human race.

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass..

...some observers hold that there isn't any.

But this wrongs the jackass.

In fact, speaking of animals..

I have often thought that God

probably created the monkey

because he was disappointed in man.

I say, I have a cablegram from America.

It says "Mark Twain is dead".

Oh, I say, this is rotten luck.

What's the matter, young man?

Well, it's rather awkward, sir.

You see, Mr. Twain, I get paid by the word.

And they don't want an item unless you're dead.

And I had counted on at least 500 words.

Well, I tell you what you do.

You cable them a 1000 words saying, uh..

Oh, just say the report of my death, uh..

...has been greatly exaggerated.

Greatly exaggerated.

Well, it is isn't it?

Oh yes, of course!

Ladies and gentlemen..

...William Shakespeare..

...probably the greatest man of English letters..

...is dead.

John Keats

one of our finest poets..

...is dead.

And I feel far from well myself.

Sometimes, I don't see

how I can cook up one more silly remark.

I am thought-dry.

And I've still got to disillusion Paris

and Brussels, Amsterdam and Munich.

Mark, what would be the best news I could give you?

That I'd never have to face

another audience as long as I live.

Well, two more lectures and you won't have to.

You'll have paid every cent you owe.

I won't have to be comical in Dutch?

No.

I can join Livy in Florence?

I'm glad I had her wait for me there.

She never could have stood it.

Mark, you've done it.

Of course I've done it.

Pond, always for every moment

I have held the unwavering belief that this thing

was utterly impossible.

Mrs. Clemens..

...it is a letter from Mr. Clemens..

...from London.

Oh, he's coming.

I know he's coming very soon.

"And right now I don't want to do anything

in this lopsided world but join you in Florence.

"No boat is fast enough

"nor train speedy enough to bring me to you.

"Goodnight dear heart.

"Sweet dreams

Mark."

You take this now. It will make you rest.

It seemed impossible.

But he had so much courage.

We will go in now.

You will sleep a little maybe, huh?

I thought maybe she'd see it when she woke..

...maybe make her smile.

She'll love it.

- You know, Mark, I think-- - Shh! Shh!

Huh?

- Mark. Mark. - Yes, dear?

'Mark, come quickly.'

Livy, what? Are you alright?

Livy, what happened?

Why, you look like you've seen an angel.

Mark, what would it take to make you think

you are a pretty good writer?

Well, I did kind of set out to be..

...only the paper gave out.

You see, I-I've known it for a long time.

I've known it all our life together.

Livy, dearest..

...you make me feel I can count on one vote

even if I ran on the Republican ticket.

Of course, the people always knew it.

They loved you from the very first.

Yeah, you know, that's, that's like our babies

always liked me best when I

stood on my head.

You struggled so hard

to be something else.

To get away from the wonderful thing you are.

But darling, that very struggle you made..

...wrote your name in the everlasting stars.

This is from Oxford University, Mark.

They've sent for you.

You are to be given the same honorary degree

as was given Wordsworth

and Macaulay

and Robert Browning.

The name Mark Twain is with them now.

There isn't any higher honor, Mark.

Livy, do you really think that..

With all my heart.

And now, dear..

...promise me one thing.

You must go to Oxford

even if I can't be there.

And stand where those other greats have stood.

For me.

Yeah, I promise, Livy.

I don't think any woman has..

...has ever been as happy..

...as I am tonight.

Now, Mark, will you sing to me a little while..

...while I go to sleep?

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

♪Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ I looked over Jordan ♪

♪ And what did I see ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ A band of angels ♪

♪ Coming after me ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for to carry.. ♪

You can stop now, Mark, I think.

It's so beautiful I..

I can't believe she doesn't see it.

I can't go back to America right away.

There's something I...promised her to do.

I'll see that everything is taken care of, Mark.

I want you to have this carved on the stone

for her resting place in Elmira.

I couldn't write anything myself.

Warm summer sun, shine kindly here.

Warm Southern wind, blow softly here.

Green sod above..

...lie light, lie light.

Goodnight dear heart.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Bravo, Connecticut Yankee.

I say, did you bring your chopping fork with you?

This is much better than "Roughing It," isn't it?

I say, how's Huckleberry Finn?

And so Rudyard Kipling

I confer on you the degree Doctoris Literarum.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens

Mark Twain.

Most amiable and charming, sir.

You shake the sides of the whole world

with your merriment.

In the heart of the American continent

a great river, the glorious Mississippi

gave its lifeblood to a young nation

throughout its early days.

'The part played by that river in world history..'

...is now done.

But through the writings

of this single man, the river flows on..

...a part of our own lives forever.

Yet he has done more than bring a river to our hearts.

Through humble, human scenes.

Through glimpses of bare-footed men

and bewildered boys

he has preserved to us

'our finest record'

'of a great nation as it came of age.'

A record that stands, imperishable and irreplaceable.

Like the pyramids of Egypt

immortalizing a stirring age.

He has given us even more.

He has made it impossible for any man ever again

to mistrust the soil in which his own life found root.

Or to doubt that he himself

may draw from it all greatness.

Wherever that soil may be.

'He has taught us that it is through'

'the laughter and tears'

'of humble folk'

that a nation's story may be most truly told.

All this we, the people of England

nay, the peoples of all nations

owe to Mark Twain.

You know Quintard, it beats me.

I suppose man is the only living animal

who never knows where he's at.

You take the cat that sat on a hot stove.

She didn't have any perspective or time to think.

But she knew instinctively that cat

what she had done.

She got off at once!

I have to run now, Mark.

Oh, can't you sit and smoke just one Manila?

No.

This is better than I usually offer you.

And neither can you.

I'll look at the reports now, Clara.

'They're in the study, doctor.'

You don't need to do that now, father.

Just force-of-habit I suppose.

Where's my cat?

Well, she's busy. She'll explain to you later.

Seems only a few minutes ago that that cat was a kitten.

Now she's fifteen cats.

Twenty cats, that's what she's busy with.

Sometimes I feel like a stalk of corn.

Left standing all alone..

...in a field.

Nobody left for me to..

...play with anymore.

Doctor Quintard. Doctor Quintard!

Sam, Sam, here we are.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, my darling, if you could only know.

What you look upon as my death

has been greatly exaggerated.

Sam. Sam..

Come on. Come on ..