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1
00:00:03,139 --> 00:00:04,475
(bird caws)
2
00:00:06,479 --> 00:00:11,189
SEVERAL MEN:
♪ Happy birthday, dear Carl ♪
3
00:00:11,256 --> 00:00:15,097
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
4
00:00:15,163 --> 00:00:18,370
LENNY:
♪ And Lenny More... ♪
5
00:00:18,436 --> 00:00:21,610
Carl, for your birthday,
I oiled your barstool.
6
00:00:21,677 --> 00:00:23,280
(groans)
7
00:00:23,346 --> 00:00:24,424
- (Carl retches)
- (phone vibrates)
8
00:00:24,448 --> 00:00:26,620
- Y'ello.
- It's me, Homer.
9
00:00:26,687 --> 00:00:29,560
Marge, I'm so sorry
I'm still here.
10
00:00:29,626 --> 00:00:32,398
It's just, it's Carl's birthday.
11
00:00:32,464 --> 00:00:34,068
Right. It's Carl's birthday.
12
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,072
Then it's Lenny's half birthday.
13
00:00:36,139 --> 00:00:38,076
Then it's Canadian Thanksgiving.
14
00:00:38,143 --> 00:00:41,082
Don't forget Tu BiShvat,
the Jewish Arbor Day.
15
00:00:41,149 --> 00:00:44,188
(groans) Just don't
drive home drunk, Homer.
16
00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:45,658
I'm serious.
17
00:00:45,725 --> 00:00:47,094
(groaning)
18
00:00:47,161 --> 00:00:49,332
Sometimes there's advantages
to living and dying alone.
19
00:00:49,398 --> 00:00:52,505
I could drive off a cliff,
free as a bird.
20
00:00:52,572 --> 00:00:55,010
I'm heading home now.
21
00:00:55,077 --> 00:00:57,181
- Moe, take my keys.
- Yeah, you got it, pal.
22
00:00:57,247 --> 00:00:59,418
I'll keep 'em safe
till you're sober.
23
00:00:59,485 --> 00:01:00,989
Make me two sets of these
24
00:01:01,055 --> 00:01:02,626
and get 'em to me
by closing time.
25
00:01:02,692 --> 00:01:04,295
(chuckles slyly)
26
00:01:04,362 --> 00:01:05,999
(grunting drunkenly)
27
00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:09,138
Homer, Homer,
let‐let me call you an Uber.
28
00:01:10,642 --> 00:01:12,411
Are you, uh...
29
00:01:12,478 --> 00:01:13,681
Homer?
30
00:01:13,748 --> 00:01:16,152
Geez, you're better off walking.
31
00:01:18,958 --> 00:01:20,427
Take me to Moe's.
32
00:01:20,494 --> 00:01:21,830
Hey. We're here.
33
00:01:21,897 --> 00:01:24,068
You're good. Five stars.
34
00:01:25,070 --> 00:01:28,343
♪ There's liquor on my brain ♪
35
00:01:28,410 --> 00:01:32,051
♪ I'm peeing in the drain ♪
36
00:01:32,117 --> 00:01:35,290
♪ What a glorious feeling ♪
37
00:01:35,357 --> 00:01:39,031
♪ I'm blotto again ♪
38
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:42,438
♪ I'm talking too loud ♪
39
00:01:42,505 --> 00:01:45,712
- ♪ Being friendly with Kirk ♪
- (yells)
40
00:01:45,778 --> 00:01:48,818
♪ There's no way in hell ♪
41
00:01:48,884 --> 00:01:52,224
♪ I'll be ready for work. ♪
42
00:01:53,561 --> 00:01:55,732
We have other cops in this town?
43
00:01:58,303 --> 00:02:01,409
Marge, um, you see,
there's a little hitch.
44
00:02:01,476 --> 00:02:03,213
I'm in jail...
45
00:02:03,279 --> 00:02:05,383
I knew it.
I knew you'd screw up.
46
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,889
I wasn't driving. I was walking.
47
00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:11,229
I wasn't a danger,
just a disgrace.
48
00:02:11,295 --> 00:02:12,899
Don't come home tonight.
49
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,603
- But...
- Just don't.
50
00:02:15,972 --> 00:02:17,441
(groans)
51
00:02:18,443 --> 00:02:20,748
(sobbing)
52
00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:24,121
I always thought that
rock bottom would feel more fun.
53
00:02:24,188 --> 00:02:26,960
Well, sometimes
when you're at rock bottom,
54
00:02:27,027 --> 00:02:30,167
anywhere you look,
you can see the stars.
55
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,304
- Cletus!
- Hiya, friend.
56
00:02:32,371 --> 00:02:35,076
What you said is very wise.
57
00:02:35,143 --> 00:02:37,181
Well, I went to M. I. T. T.
58
00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:40,120
The Mississippi Institute
of Trailer Trash.
59
00:02:40,187 --> 00:02:41,523
Go, Book Burners.
60
00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:43,527
- (chuckles)
- What are you in for?
61
00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:45,965
Oh, cops don't respect
us hill folk.
62
00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:48,504
Every three months,
they shut down my still
63
00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,340
and take the hooch.
64
00:02:51,342 --> 00:02:54,014
Hey, this moonshine
made me go blind!
65
00:02:54,081 --> 00:02:56,452
Oh, wait,
my hat's just over my eyes.
66
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,956
(chuckles)
67
00:02:58,022 --> 00:02:59,793
Oh, wait. I am blind.
68
00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:01,630
At least your wife's
not mad at you.
69
00:03:01,697 --> 00:03:02,966
Aw, well.
70
00:03:03,032 --> 00:03:06,506
Hey, Officer!
This prison got itself a guitar?
71
00:03:06,573 --> 00:03:07,842
Of course.
72
00:03:07,909 --> 00:03:10,213
Yeah, I prefer acoustic.
73
00:03:12,217 --> 00:03:15,791
Well, since neither of us
can be home tonight,
74
00:03:15,858 --> 00:03:18,029
let me bring home to us.
75
00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:23,507
♪ I had all the wealth
that a man could want ♪
76
00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:25,110
♪ A wife and some kids ♪
77
00:03:25,176 --> 00:03:28,684
♪ Who love me ♪
78
00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,453
♪ Apple blossoms ♪
79
00:03:30,521 --> 00:03:32,959
♪ And tasty possums ♪
80
00:03:33,026 --> 00:03:35,463
♪ And the good Lord ♪
81
00:03:35,531 --> 00:03:37,467
♪ Up above me ♪
82
00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:38,537
(sobbing)
83
00:03:38,604 --> 00:03:42,144
♪ Fort Knox don't compare ♪
84
00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:44,415
♪ To what we got there ♪
85
00:03:44,481 --> 00:03:48,156
♪ 'Cause our home is where ♪
86
00:03:48,222 --> 00:03:52,999
♪ My gold is. ♪
87
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,836
Yes, it is.
88
00:03:54,903 --> 00:03:59,178
Officer Lou, does this jail have
a self‐reflection mirror?
89
00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:01,115
Here you go.
90
00:04:01,182 --> 00:04:02,685
I got to be a better man.
91
00:04:02,752 --> 00:04:04,956
For Marge and the kids
and Grampa
92
00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:06,392
and the dog.
93
00:04:06,459 --> 00:04:07,895
Don't you have a cat?
94
00:04:07,962 --> 00:04:09,465
Screw the cat.
95
00:04:12,204 --> 00:04:13,874
Kids?
96
00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:15,377
Wake up.
97
00:04:16,613 --> 00:04:19,051
I've got
something important to say.
98
00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:21,255
Now, I've got a confession
to make.
99
00:04:21,322 --> 00:04:25,430
Your father spent last night
in the drunk tank.
100
00:04:25,497 --> 00:04:28,771
- Pay up, Lis.
- Oh, why do I keep betting on
101
00:04:28,837 --> 00:04:31,442
"working late to pay
for my college"?
102
00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:33,413
Well, from now on,
put your money on
103
00:04:33,479 --> 00:04:36,185
"comes home
and sets a perfect example."
104
00:04:36,252 --> 00:04:37,855
Good morning, Homer.
105
00:04:37,922 --> 00:04:40,427
Young man, stand up
when a lady enters the room.
106
00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:42,431
Especially a fine woman
like your ma.
107
00:04:42,497 --> 00:04:43,867
You still pickled?
108
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,604
On your feet, boy!
109
00:04:46,606 --> 00:04:48,476
Gee, thank you, Homie.
110
00:04:48,544 --> 00:04:50,313
I'm a changed man, Marge.
111
00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:52,384
Now, let us join hands
in prayer.
112
00:04:52,451 --> 00:04:54,388
Are we gonna get food after?
113
00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:56,392
- No.
- Did somebody croak?
114
00:04:56,459 --> 00:04:58,396
- No.
- Did you buy a Powerball ticket?
115
00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:01,503
I just want to say
a lousy prayer, okay?!
116
00:05:02,572 --> 00:05:05,076
Lord, we humbly ask you
to bless this family
117
00:05:05,143 --> 00:05:07,280
and keep us mindful
to care one for the other.
118
00:05:07,347 --> 00:05:08,517
Amen.
119
00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:10,053
OTHERS:
Amen.
120
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,224
Sweetie, what's gotten into you?
121
00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:14,929
I'm a new, better man,
thanks to Cletus.
122
00:05:14,996 --> 00:05:16,633
Huh. You know what?
123
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,302
I believe you.
124
00:05:18,369 --> 00:05:20,741
HOMER:
And that was that.
125
00:05:20,808 --> 00:05:23,279
♪ ♪
126
00:05:23,346 --> 00:05:25,283
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We ain't done.
127
00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:27,053
We got two more acts.
128
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,124
And a "whittled by" credit.
129
00:05:29,191 --> 00:05:31,228
(upbeat, melodic whistling)
130
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,144
Hi, Homie. Remember anything
from last night?
131
00:05:39,211 --> 00:05:41,282
I remember I'm a better man.
132
00:05:41,348 --> 00:05:43,119
(gasps)
It stuck!
133
00:05:43,186 --> 00:05:46,158
I don't forget important things.
134
00:05:46,225 --> 00:05:47,662
Where the hell's my car?
135
00:05:47,728 --> 00:05:49,264
(chuckles)
136
00:05:49,331 --> 00:05:52,939
Just once, I wanted to feel
like a man who owned a car.
137
00:05:53,005 --> 00:05:55,276
(laughs)
138
00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:03,292
Marge, kids, this is the man
that turned me around.
139
00:06:03,359 --> 00:06:04,963
What, this goober?
140
00:06:05,029 --> 00:06:07,802
No, my wife's family is Goobers.
141
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,774
I come from a long line
of No‐Accounts.
142
00:06:10,841 --> 00:06:12,077
(Cletus chuckles)
143
00:06:12,143 --> 00:06:13,747
♪ I woke from my dreamin' ♪
144
00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:16,285
♪ With my love, Brandine ♪
145
00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:18,422
- (pig squeals)
- ♪ The gal I got pregnant ♪
146
00:06:18,489 --> 00:06:22,264
♪ When we was 16. ♪
147
00:06:22,330 --> 00:06:27,675
Aw. No one sweet‐talks me
like you, goat lips.
148
00:06:27,742 --> 00:06:29,779
(loud smooching)
149
00:06:32,117 --> 00:06:34,656
Cletus, you changed my life.
150
00:06:34,722 --> 00:06:37,561
How would you like for me
to change yours?
151
00:06:37,628 --> 00:06:40,400
You ain't pitchin' me
on a pyramid scheme, is you?
152
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,905
'Cause if so, I'm in.
153
00:06:42,972 --> 00:06:46,245
No, no, no. The world's got
to hear what you've got to say.
154
00:06:47,247 --> 00:06:49,251
Well, I'll be daggadoobedubbit.
155
00:06:49,318 --> 00:06:51,322
Why'd you bring me
to a parking lot?
156
00:06:51,388 --> 00:06:53,492
Hey, if it's to find baby names,
157
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,535
I already gots Camry,
Festiva, Compact Only
158
00:06:57,601 --> 00:06:59,237
and Denver Boot.
159
00:06:59,304 --> 00:07:00,574
No, no, no.
160
00:07:00,641 --> 00:07:04,448
We're gonna start
your singing career right here.
161
00:07:06,418 --> 00:07:08,456
(bellowing)
162
00:07:10,728 --> 00:07:12,698
S‐Singing career?
163
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,537
If you can reach an audience
the way you reached me...
164
00:07:15,604 --> 00:07:17,340
Did you ever see A Star Is Born
165
00:07:17,407 --> 00:07:19,344
with Bradley Cooper
and Lady Gaga?
166
00:07:19,411 --> 00:07:22,585
- No.
- How about with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson?
167
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,423
- No, sir.
- James Mason and Judy Garland?
168
00:07:25,490 --> 00:07:28,530
Oh, no.
Just What Price Hollywood?
169
00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:30,868
with Constance Bennett
and Lowell Sherman,
170
00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:33,740
upon which A Star Is Born
is based.
171
00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:36,946
Whatever. I can make you a star.
172
00:07:37,013 --> 00:07:38,583
My pappy's gon' manage you.
173
00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:40,119
Whoa diggity!
174
00:07:40,186 --> 00:07:43,292
Your future's brighter
than a polecat in a henhouse.
175
00:07:43,359 --> 00:07:45,296
Hey, if you're
gonna speak hillbilly,
176
00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:47,467
practice your enuncification.
177
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:51,408
Use your adverbs proper‐like,
dad gummitly.
178
00:07:51,475 --> 00:07:53,814
- Yes'm.
- We's powerful sorry.
179
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,653
Well, I do need to find a way
to make a living,
180
00:07:56,719 --> 00:07:58,489
since Wiggum shut me down.
181
00:07:58,557 --> 00:08:01,328
And I swore I would
never go back to retail‐‐
182
00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:03,934
which means putting tails back
on animals.
183
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,104
You got any experience?
184
00:08:06,171 --> 00:08:08,543
(quietly):
I once managed a beautiful woman
185
00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:10,547
who was not my wife.
186
00:08:10,614 --> 00:08:12,618
It ended the way you'd expect.
187
00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:14,354
12 gold records.
188
00:08:14,421 --> 00:08:15,858
(Marge groans)
189
00:08:15,924 --> 00:08:18,128
But I promise I'll always
shoot straight with you,
190
00:08:18,195 --> 00:08:20,132
unless we're actually using
real guns.
191
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,605
In which case I always
blast randomly in a circle.
192
00:08:22,671 --> 00:08:24,140
Do we have a deal?
193
00:08:24,207 --> 00:08:26,646
Whoa, not so fast there.
194
00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:29,084
Show business has screwed up
a lot of country folk,
195
00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:30,787
from Elvis to Britney.
196
00:08:30,854 --> 00:08:32,156
And Mister Ed.
197
00:08:32,223 --> 00:08:35,162
Did you know that he was
a heroin addict?
198
00:08:35,229 --> 00:08:36,833
A horse on horse?
199
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,503
Of course, of course.
200
00:08:38,570 --> 00:08:40,507
Look, I'll do the dirty work.
201
00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:42,511
Now, here's
the standard contract.
202
00:08:42,578 --> 00:08:44,515
CLETUS:
Hmm.
203
00:08:44,582 --> 00:08:46,619
Well, let me just give this
a quick gander.
204
00:08:46,686 --> 00:08:47,821
Come here, gander.
205
00:08:47,888 --> 00:08:49,324
‐(honking) ‐(grunting)
206
00:08:49,391 --> 00:08:51,228
Okay, yeah, all right.
We got a deal.
207
00:08:54,569 --> 00:08:56,004
(upbeat song playing)
208
00:08:56,071 --> 00:08:57,775
(song ends)
209
00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:00,547
HOMER:
Mm‐hmm.
210
00:09:00,614 --> 00:09:02,651
Homie, should our kids be here
this late?
211
00:09:02,718 --> 00:09:04,421
I'm a family man now.
212
00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,126
And a family man does things
with his family.
213
00:09:07,193 --> 00:09:09,565
- I have math homework.
- Do it at the bar.
214
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,734
Okay, let's see.
215
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,573
I've got to draw
a perfect circle.
216
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,742
MAN:
There you go.
217
00:09:14,809 --> 00:09:16,278
Th‐Thank you.
218
00:09:16,345 --> 00:09:17,815
Uh, follow me, boys.
219
00:09:17,881 --> 00:09:19,084
A‐one and a‐two,
220
00:09:19,150 --> 00:09:21,488
- and a‐one and a‐two and a...
- (whispers)
221
00:09:21,556 --> 00:09:24,996
Three? When did that happen?
222
00:09:25,062 --> 00:09:27,100
(playing up‐tempo beat)
223
00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:30,641
♪ Out in the country ♪
224
00:09:30,707 --> 00:09:32,511
♪ They ain't no nine‐to‐five ♪
225
00:09:32,578 --> 00:09:34,314
♪ We don't get promoted ♪
226
00:09:34,381 --> 00:09:36,151
♪ It's a fight to stay alive ♪
227
00:09:36,218 --> 00:09:38,723
♪ We lean on our family ♪
228
00:09:38,790 --> 00:09:40,794
♪ When times is gettin' hard ♪
229
00:09:40,861 --> 00:09:42,865
♪ We're broke and we're dirty ♪
230
00:09:42,931 --> 00:09:44,735
♪ And we ain't too smart, mm ♪
231
00:09:44,802 --> 00:09:46,739
♪ But hey, hey ♪
232
00:09:46,806 --> 00:09:48,910
♪ Here's what I got to say ♪
233
00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:50,881
♪ You can keep your mansions ♪
234
00:09:50,947 --> 00:09:52,918
♪ And you can keep your yachts ♪
235
00:09:52,985 --> 00:09:56,224
♪ I ain't needin' nothin'
'cept for everything I gots ♪
236
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:57,761
♪ And I thank the Lord
for that ♪
237
00:09:57,828 --> 00:09:59,264
That's me.
238
00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:01,769
♪ When I count my blessings
every night ♪
239
00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,940
♪ Got my wife and my kids
and a belly full of ribs ♪
240
00:10:04,007 --> 00:10:05,744
♪ Lord up above
and a whole lot of love ♪
241
00:10:05,811 --> 00:10:08,082
♪ Wife and my kids
and a belly full of ribs ♪
242
00:10:08,148 --> 00:10:10,086
♪ And I thank the Lord above. ♪
243
00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:11,622
♪ RisingStar.
244
00:10:11,689 --> 00:10:13,192
♪ FleetwoodHick.
245
00:10:13,258 --> 00:10:15,463
♪ KanyeWestVirginia.
246
00:10:15,530 --> 00:10:17,200
♪ YokelOno.
247
00:10:17,266 --> 00:10:19,204
♪ OkefenokeeKaraoke.
248
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,707
And send.
249
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,753
(humming a tune)
250
00:10:26,819 --> 00:10:29,491
Ah, Elin,
I thought I'd find you dancing.
251
00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:31,996
Yes, I'm exactly as I seem.
252
00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:34,635
‐Well, I‐‐
‐Quiet! (sniffs)
253
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,304
Someone's getting clicks.
254
00:10:36,371 --> 00:10:39,344
Our next guest is
from America's heartland.
255
00:10:39,410 --> 00:10:41,014
Up‐bup‐bup!
256
00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:43,485
Not on my white furniture,
please.
257
00:10:47,928 --> 00:10:49,932
(cheering, applause)
258
00:10:51,602 --> 00:10:52,671
(louder cheering)
259
00:10:52,738 --> 00:10:54,374
Not loud enough!
Not loud enough!
260
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,844
Don't make me make you dance!
261
00:10:55,911 --> 00:10:58,048
(murmuring)
262
00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:00,052
Get me a new audience.
263
00:11:00,119 --> 00:11:01,522
(all screaming)
264
00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:07,968
Howdy do, Elin?
265
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,574
You sure do look different
in person than you do
266
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,744
in them Finding Nemo movies.
267
00:11:12,811 --> 00:11:14,982
(laughs) You know, Cletus,
I've heard your fans
268
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,986
will do anything you say.
269
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:18,957
Oh, that can't be true.
270
00:11:19,023 --> 00:11:21,161
- Try it.
- Nah, go on.
271
00:11:21,228 --> 00:11:23,098
It's my show. Do as I say.
272
00:11:23,165 --> 00:11:26,772
Well, Elin, we got ourselves
a police chief
273
00:11:26,839 --> 00:11:28,943
in our town
by the name of Wiggum.
274
00:11:29,010 --> 00:11:31,448
Now, I ain't got nothing
agin him, mind you,
275
00:11:31,515 --> 00:11:35,389
but if you is my fans, here's
what I want you to do to him.
276
00:11:37,126 --> 00:11:39,698
Something is going on here.
277
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:41,468
Something weird.
278
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:44,007
Okay, help. Police!
279
00:11:44,073 --> 00:11:46,979
(sighs) Never a cop around
when you need one.
280
00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:54,093
Well, I want to thank you,
my friend.
281
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,597
You changed my life.
282
00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:58,235
I was nothing but a zero
when I met you,
283
00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:00,774
but now I'm ten times that.
284
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,143
Come here, you.
285
00:12:02,209 --> 00:12:04,247
(grunting)
286
00:12:06,953 --> 00:12:08,957
Homer, stand up.
287
00:12:10,593 --> 00:12:13,031
I want you to know
that I'm firing you
288
00:12:13,098 --> 00:12:15,469
and I'm replacing you
with a professional.
289
00:12:15,537 --> 00:12:17,808
Aw, nothing ever good happens
when you talk
290
00:12:17,874 --> 00:12:20,112
to the person sitting
next to you on an airplane.
291
00:12:24,989 --> 00:12:26,759
Uh, Homer, this here is a feller
292
00:12:26,826 --> 00:12:29,330
what wants to be my new manager.
293
00:12:29,397 --> 00:12:31,736
- And you're letting him?
- Yeah, I don't know why.
294
00:12:31,802 --> 00:12:34,407
There's just, there's something
about him, you know?
295
00:12:34,474 --> 00:12:37,013
Cletus, Cletus.
296
00:12:37,079 --> 00:12:38,950
Listen to how I say this.
297
00:12:39,017 --> 00:12:41,922
It's something everyone says,
but when I say it,
298
00:12:41,989 --> 00:12:46,297
you will never hear it like this
as long as you live.
299
00:12:46,364 --> 00:12:48,301
I make it very special.
300
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,404
How are you?
301
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,809
Ooh, I just got goose bumps.
302
00:12:51,876 --> 00:12:53,245
Say it again.
303
00:12:53,311 --> 00:12:55,817
No. Listen to me. I love you.
304
00:12:55,884 --> 00:12:57,754
I am in love with you.
This is real.
305
00:12:57,821 --> 00:13:00,225
Once you sign with me,
you can call me up at 3:00
306
00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:02,063
in the morning‐‐ I won't be mad.
307
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,768
I'll say, "What's wrong, boobie?
I love you."
308
00:13:04,835 --> 00:13:07,908
- (whoops)
- I can't believe you're thinking of signing with him.
309
00:13:07,974 --> 00:13:10,747
The way you changed my life
when we were in jail?
310
00:13:10,814 --> 00:13:12,216
That means nothing to you?
311
00:13:12,283 --> 00:13:15,222
My friend, what happens in jail
stays in jail.
312
00:13:15,289 --> 00:13:16,892
Unless it's breaking
out of jail.
313
00:13:16,959 --> 00:13:19,197
Well, all I have to offer
is my friendship
314
00:13:19,263 --> 00:13:21,802
and the fact that you wouldn't
be here if not for me.
315
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,207
That's your closer?
That's pitiful.
316
00:13:24,273 --> 00:13:25,810
I don't love you.
317
00:13:25,877 --> 00:13:28,115
Here's my closer. Spuckman!
318
00:13:28,181 --> 00:13:29,317
Duffman?
319
00:13:29,383 --> 00:13:30,820
Now I'm Spuckman.
320
00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:34,093
Because Duff replaced me
with a hard‐partying cat.
321
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,830
Me‐ow!
322
00:13:35,897 --> 00:13:38,168
Clifford, we're gonna
market your dreck
323
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,141
as "Spuckler Family Moonshine,"
internationally.
324
00:13:41,207 --> 00:13:42,744
We'll say it's made by people
325
00:13:42,811 --> 00:13:46,351
who actually wash their hands
voluntarily,
326
00:13:46,417 --> 00:13:48,188
not 'cause of some sign.
327
00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:51,294
Hey, man, mine's all brewed
from pure mountain water
328
00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:53,699
from out behind
the DuPont factory.
329
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:55,603
I'm going to assume
that's a joke.
330
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,006
(laughs)
331
00:13:57,072 --> 00:13:58,709
But fun's for another time.
332
00:13:58,776 --> 00:14:01,347
We're gonna make you bigger
than Campbell's Soup.
333
00:14:01,414 --> 00:14:04,287
Not tomato or chicken noodle.
That would be impossible.
334
00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:06,592
But there's one of them
where they put in potatoes.
335
00:14:06,659 --> 00:14:08,161
We'll make you bigger than that.
336
00:14:08,228 --> 00:14:10,633
Now, why don't you pick
one of these Hollywood actresses
337
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,469
to play your wife
in the commercial?
338
00:14:12,537 --> 00:14:14,173
Anyone you want. Just pick.
339
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,444
Oh, I like this one.
340
00:14:16,512 --> 00:14:18,148
Oh, she'll never work with you.
341
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:19,283
Pick an ugly one.
342
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:21,087
Well, what about Brandine?
343
00:14:21,154 --> 00:14:23,458
Aw, she'll always be
my first love
344
00:14:23,526 --> 00:14:25,863
and second cousin.
(exhales)
345
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:28,034
Well, this was
a very good meeting.
346
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,038
And welcome to UPM.
347
00:14:30,105 --> 00:14:32,376
Here's a blank page‐‐ sign it.
348
00:14:32,443 --> 00:14:34,146
We'll fill in the rest.
349
00:14:34,213 --> 00:14:36,017
Give me a hug.
350
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,887
No, that's not a hug.
351
00:14:37,954 --> 00:14:39,691
A Hollywood hug.
352
00:14:39,758 --> 00:14:42,530
- Get him off. Get him off!
- (Cletus groans)
353
00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:46,972
And now your picture goes up
on our wall of fame.
354
00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:51,247
Bert and Ernie? I don't even
think they're living.
355
00:14:51,314 --> 00:14:53,719
Hey, IMDb Bert and Ernie,
will you?
356
00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:55,322
Do puppets die?
357
00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:57,259
Hey, why does the Pope have
no merchandise?
358
00:14:57,326 --> 00:14:59,898
Can't we come up with a little
doohickey you put on your desk
359
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:02,737
that blows a colored smoke when
you're picked for something?
360
00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:05,977
Everything he taught me
was a lie.
361
00:15:06,044 --> 00:15:08,683
Maybe, but think
what you became.
362
00:15:08,749 --> 00:15:10,352
A better husband.
363
00:15:10,419 --> 00:15:11,855
A better father.
364
00:15:11,922 --> 00:15:13,659
You can still be one.
365
00:15:13,726 --> 00:15:14,828
Nah.
366
00:15:14,895 --> 00:15:17,834
Hmm. Why are my eyes burnin'?
367
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,705
I'm just whippin' up
another batch
368
00:15:19,771 --> 00:15:21,842
of my homemade family brew.
369
00:15:21,909 --> 00:15:25,817
Let my longtime corporate
mascot tell you all about it.
370
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,154
Spuckler Family Moonshine.
371
00:15:28,221 --> 00:15:30,927
Lovingly distilled
in the heart of America.
372
00:15:30,993 --> 00:15:33,365
ANNOUNCER:Spuckler Family Moonshine is distilled in Finland.
373
00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:35,670
Not a single American
was employed in its manufacture.
374
00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:37,039
(TV clicks off)
375
00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:38,843
(groans)
376
00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:43,552
You have to help him
get back to his family.
377
00:15:43,619 --> 00:15:46,892
Forget it. I'm through with
those slack‐jawed, no‐account...
378
00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:51,401
examples of America
at its finest.
379
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,471
He was a great man
until you ruint him.
380
00:15:53,539 --> 00:15:55,710
With your promises
of short underwear
381
00:15:55,777 --> 00:15:57,413
and professional haircuts.
382
00:15:57,479 --> 00:15:59,551
You think you can play God,
383
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:01,889
wreck my life,
and then just walk away?
384
00:16:01,955 --> 00:16:04,661
First of all,
I wasn't playing God.
385
00:16:04,728 --> 00:16:06,732
I was doing
an original character.
386
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,036
Don't worry, we'll fix this.
387
00:16:09,103 --> 00:16:11,174
I don't know how, but we will.
388
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,413
Unless Homer decides to
disregard my wishes completely.
389
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,017
Hmm.
390
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:17,520
Don't take time!
391
00:16:17,587 --> 00:16:19,423
All right.
392
00:16:23,298 --> 00:16:25,001
(doorbell rings)
393
00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:29,076
What the‐‐?
Aw, I thought we was quits.
394
00:16:29,143 --> 00:16:31,280
Listen, pal,
you've ruined your life.
395
00:16:31,347 --> 00:16:34,086
You haven't just watched A Star
Is Born, you're living it.
396
00:16:34,153 --> 00:16:36,592
No, man.
A Star Is Born is about
397
00:16:36,658 --> 00:16:39,129
a star who fades
and then kills hisself.
398
00:16:39,196 --> 00:16:41,467
This here is much more like
399
00:16:41,535 --> 00:16:44,273
a nice guy
who's seduced by power,
400
00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:47,412
as in Elia Kazan's
A Face in the Crowd.
401
00:16:47,479 --> 00:16:49,149
Dang, that's a good'un.
402
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,487
How do you know
so much about movies?
403
00:16:51,555 --> 00:16:53,959
Oh, well,
Brandine and I once squatted
404
00:16:54,026 --> 00:16:56,330
inside an abandoned Blockbuster.
405
00:16:56,397 --> 00:17:00,673
That's where we conceived
our twins: Be Kind and Rewind.
406
00:17:01,675 --> 00:17:04,446
Forget that. You got to go
back home where you belong.
407
00:17:04,514 --> 00:17:06,785
Also, you owe me $27,000.
408
00:17:06,852 --> 00:17:10,125
Yeah, I'm afraid I donated that
to a children's hospital.
409
00:17:10,191 --> 00:17:11,795
You monster!
410
00:17:11,862 --> 00:17:14,066
Look, Cletus, this isn't you.
411
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,803
What about your family?
412
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,174
Well, my family now is
Carrie Underwood,
413
00:17:18,241 --> 00:17:21,080
Taylor Swift
and all of them Mumfords.
414
00:17:21,147 --> 00:17:24,788
And everyone in BTS,
except for Jungkook.
415
00:17:24,854 --> 00:17:27,994
(chuckles)
He's too pretty for my tastes.
416
00:17:28,061 --> 00:17:30,098
Cletus,
just answer me one thing:
417
00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:33,606
after a long day of yokeling,
don't you miss coming home
418
00:17:33,672 --> 00:17:36,979
to a woman who thinks you're
the most important thing on...
419
00:17:37,045 --> 00:17:38,782
God's green Earth?
420
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,590
Well, uh, now that
you mention it.
421
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:52,009
♪ Then sit by my side ♪
422
00:17:52,075 --> 00:17:54,480
♪ If you love me... ♪
423
00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:57,754
No, no, no, no, no more singin'!
424
00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:59,824
Not even talk singin'!
425
00:17:59,891 --> 00:18:01,828
Which is hardly singin' at all,
426
00:18:01,895 --> 00:18:05,001
Mr. Lin‐Manuel Miranda.
427
00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:07,840
Oh, Gummy Sue...
428
00:18:07,907 --> 00:18:11,480
Jitney, Uber Black,
Normal Head Joe,
429
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,986
Disney Plus, oh, HBO Max,
430
00:18:14,053 --> 00:18:16,057
CBS All Access!
431
00:18:16,123 --> 00:18:20,198
Oh, man, they's all
so beautiful.
432
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:23,404
(sniffles)
I'm goin' back to my family!
433
00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:25,576
Cancel my tour dates!
434
00:18:25,643 --> 00:18:27,379
Burn my masters!
435
00:18:27,446 --> 00:18:29,517
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
let's not get crazy.
436
00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,253
You saved my life, Homer.
437
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,661
And then you ruined it,
and then you saved it again.
438
00:18:34,728 --> 00:18:37,934
And for that,
I am forever neutral.
439
00:18:39,771 --> 00:18:41,541
AGENT:
Listen to how I say this.
440
00:18:41,608 --> 00:18:43,612
It's something everybody says,
441
00:18:43,679 --> 00:18:45,950
but I say it better
than anybody else.
442
00:18:46,016 --> 00:18:47,452
How are you?
443
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,423
‐Well, I don't‐‐ ‐(shushes)
444
00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:51,060
Don't talk. Just listen.
445
00:18:51,127 --> 00:18:53,632
You're gonna be a brand.
446
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:56,303
I want to tell your stories.
Tell me your story.
447
00:18:56,370 --> 00:18:58,274
Not the person they see
on the court.
448
00:18:58,341 --> 00:19:01,313
Well, my family didn't have
much money, and Daddy used to...
449
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:03,317
That is so relatable.
450
00:19:03,384 --> 00:19:04,854
Not to me. I'm rich.
451
00:19:04,921 --> 00:19:07,492
But, God, I always wanted
to live in poverty.
452
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,666
Now, all I ask is 15%
of your earnings for life.
453
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,004
Not your whole life.
After 80, it's all yours.
454
00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:16,243
And when you retire, you're
gonna get a Netflix special.
455
00:19:16,310 --> 00:19:18,582
Actually, everybody gets
a Netflix special.
456
00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:20,018
Why do they even call them that?
457
00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:22,189
They should call them
Netflix normals.
458
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:24,694
You want a Netflix normal?
We'll get it for you.
459
00:19:24,761 --> 00:19:27,567
You want the Obamas to produce?
You got it.
460
00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:29,871
Not Barack or Michelle‐‐
that's impossible.
461
00:19:29,938 --> 00:19:32,409
Check on Malia, please!
462
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:34,213
Malia.
463
00:19:34,279 --> 00:19:35,916
No, it's not a country!
464
00:19:35,983 --> 00:19:39,156
- Can I just say...?
- (shushing)
465
00:19:39,223 --> 00:19:40,826
You don't have to talk.
466
00:19:40,893 --> 00:19:43,999
Not unless you're getting paid
a million dollars a word.
467
00:19:44,066 --> 00:19:46,671
And some of those words
can be "a" or "the."
468
00:19:46,738 --> 00:19:49,109
Listen, never say "won't" again.
469
00:19:49,176 --> 00:19:52,182
Say "will not."
'Cause that's $2 million.
470
00:19:52,249 --> 00:19:54,152
That's a Bentley.
471
00:19:54,219 --> 00:19:56,357
Have you ever been interested
in a roofing company?
472
00:19:56,423 --> 00:19:57,860
You're very tall.
473
00:19:57,927 --> 00:19:59,864
You're much closer to roofs
than most people.
474
00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:01,534
(gasps) How about this?
475
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,872
I can book you as a freak
in a monster movie.
476
00:20:03,939 --> 00:20:07,245
Or a dinosaur. You're as big
as a small dinosaur.
477
00:20:08,281 --> 00:20:10,719
We're trying to develop
an animated musical
478
00:20:10,786 --> 00:20:13,792
about the dinosaurs
that survived the comet.
479
00:20:13,859 --> 00:20:15,629
You could play a small dinosaur.
480
00:20:15,696 --> 00:20:17,232
You jump out from a tree.
481
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:18,802
You sing a song.
482
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:20,204
We've already got one written.
483
00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,042
It's called "I'm Still Here."
484
00:20:22,108 --> 00:20:24,046
Am I, am I reaching you?
485
00:20:24,112 --> 00:20:25,281
Just sign already.
486
00:20:33,097 --> 00:20:35,335
Okay. Looking for the next
musical superstar here.
487
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:36,771
Uh, Barney,
488
00:20:37,172 --> 00:20:40,278
see what you can do
with this piccolo.
489
00:20:40,345 --> 00:20:41,715
(groans)
490
00:20:41,781 --> 00:20:44,887
Lady, you look like
a cellist to me.
491
00:20:44,954 --> 00:20:46,925
(grunting, muttering)
492
00:20:46,992 --> 00:20:48,461
- Forget that.
- (cello crashes)
493
00:20:48,528 --> 00:20:49,964
Jailbird, what about you?
494
00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:52,937
Um, I play the hacksaw.
495
00:20:53,004 --> 00:20:54,707
Hacksaw. Hacksaw.
496
00:20:54,774 --> 00:20:57,813
- Ah, here you go.
- All right!
497
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:02,222
Uh, my first number is "We've
Gotta Get Out of This Place."
498
00:21:02,288 --> 00:21:05,495
I love it! Let me hear
that sweet, sweet sound.
499
00:21:05,562 --> 00:21:07,499
(hacksaw sawing)
500
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:11,273
Ah, that is some
beautiful hacksawing.
501
00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:13,277
Ah, yeah.
502
00:21:13,344 --> 00:21:15,248
Soothing. Ooh!
503
00:21:15,314 --> 00:21:18,120
Soon, I'm gonna be doing
some sawing myself.
504
00:21:18,187 --> 00:21:20,124
Ah, yeah. (chuckles)
505
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:22,028
Oh, yeah.
506
00:21:29,176 --> 00:21:30,612
Shh!
507
00:21:30,679 --> 00:21:31,857
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
508
00:21:31,881 --> 00:21:33,117
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
509
00:21:33,184 --> 00:21:34,720
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
510
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