All language subtitles for The Disorderly Orderly .. jerry lewis 1964

JALAL YAZDI

Throughout history,
there have been men

who have dreamed of being
brave and heroic.

Men who have dreamed
that there was

no challenge too great for
them to undertake.

And when the time came
for these dreamers

to actually be brave and heroic...

Ma!

Other men have dreamed
of being great heroes,

of conquering the savage
forces of nature.

These were men of stamina
and superhuman strength.

And when these dreamers
were close to final victory...

Oh.

Ma!

History has recorded the exploits
of other men, who have dreamed

of distinguishing themselves with
great scientific achievements,

dreamed of scaling the heights
of pure science,

to give of themselves, their
knowledge, their training,

to give their all in an attempt
to relieve human suffering.

And when the time came for
these dreamers

to put their dreams
to the actual test...

Oh, don't make those
noises, please.

Anything, but don't make
those noises, please.

Ma!

Ma!

But becoming great takes more
than just dreaming about it.

All American movies need a hero,
so we're stuck with one of these.

But which one will be our hero?
Will it be the brave soldier?

Will it be the intrepid
mountain climber?

Will it be the noble man
of science?

Will the real hero of this
movie please fall down?

We have a winner!

This movie is about a man who
dreamed of being a doctor,

but unfortunately... Well, you'll see.

Your pills he'll spill
Your tray he'll drop

When he picks up your stretcher,
it's 2-to-1 you'll flop

You're sick
But quick, get out of sight

The disorderly orderly's
on duty tonight

He'll bounce your bed
And split your splint

And though he's got you screaming,
he never gets the hint

You might as well give up the fight

The disorderly orderly's
on duty tonight

He'll try so hard to please you

But if you need an ice pack,
Watch out, he'll freeze you

A lovely nurse comes to the door

Our hero says, ''Excuse me''

And crashes through the floor

You must admit that he's polite

The disorderly orderly's on duty

Tonight

Get a straitjacket ready right away,
you understand?

- Right away, you hear me?
- Relax. We'll be ready.

- Right away, you hear me?
- Relax. We'll be ready.

Jerome Littlefield, come to
the receiving entrance.

Jerome Littlefield, come to
the receiving entrance.

Bring straitjacket.

I heard you, Nurse Higgins. I heard
you on the intercom. Jerome Littlefield.

Yes, sir. Right, front and center.
On the way. Here I come now.

Nurse Higgins, you just call and
l shall... Excuse me... Appear.

Yeah, we'll hop right to it.
You want me, and I�m open.

I came as fast as I could come fast
and I brought the...

I may really need the straitjacket
if you don't stop jabbering.

I was only trying to tell you
that when they...

I know, Jerome. I know you're only
trying. That's why I love you,

because you're only always
just trying.

Just don't try so hard!

Why do you have to yell?
I was only trying to help.

Because that's the only way
you hear.

I got good ears.
I don't know why you say that.

From both sides. It's in and in.
I hear all stuff that goes in.

I hear the teensy-weensiest sounds.

I stay up some nights all night,
from laying on a pillow

and hearing the mosquitoes go:

Fine, Jerome. Dandy.

- I�m very happy about your radar ears.
- Oh.

Now, will you get out there with
that lunatic suit?

Yes, I certainly will, Nurse Higgins.
Who are they bringing? Anyone that...?

- I mean...
- Fat Jack. He's cracked up again.

Happens every year at option time.

Fat Jack? From television?

My favorite.

He's the funniest. Did you see
that show he did? He was so smart.

It was so subtle, trying to put
the horseshoe on a dinosaur.

Will you close up and get
out of here!

Okay! I�m going!

I�m ready. I got the straitjacket.
I�m all ready.

What kind of driving was that?
You almost run me all over.

Remember, Dopey, this guy
is dangerous.

Now, soon as he comes out,
grab him. You ready?

Yeah, I�m ready. I�ll grab him.

Fatty Jack.

Wow! Look at Fatty Jackie go.

- Go get him!
- Yeah, here I come.

Hey, Fatty Jack! Jackie Fatty!
Here, Jackie! Jack Fat!

Hey, Jackie, Jackie Fatty.
Fatty Jackie!

Keep everything crossed.
Maybe they'll kill each other.

Fat Jack. Fatty.

I watch you on TV all the time.
I�m your biggest fan. Fat Jack.

Hi, you watch me on TV,
don't you?

Yeah, I watch you on the third rerun,
third rerun shows.

- You really like me?
- You're the greatest.

I wanna tell you
I am the greatest.

- You're very funny.
- Big fan?

- Yes, I am.
- Are you some crazy nut?

- I�m not a nut. I�m not crazy.
- What are you doing here

with that straitjacket there?

Oh, straitjacket. Oh!
The straitjacket.

By chance, would that
be my size?

You think the straitjacket
is for you? Ridiculous.

Well, if it's not for me,
it must be for you.

- No!
- That means that you're a crazy nut.

Let me tell you another thing,
my good boy...

Relax. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

- Good night, Janet.
- Good night, Francine.

Good night.

- Well, where is your dream prince?
- He'll be here.

Think of all the psychiatrists who'd
like you to share their couch

and you dig that orderly.

You're gonna be late.
You'd better hurry.

I know. Your business, not mine.

- Goodbye, Julie.
- Good night, Janet.

I said vintage champagne. Did you
hear me? Vintage champagne.

- Now, go get some.
- Yes, Miss Marlowe.

Oh, you shouldn't be drinking on the
job. I know everyone has bad habits.

- Try licorice. It�s better for you.
- You better fix her TV

- before she explodes.
- Yes, I certainly will. Watch out...

Door.

- Did you want me to fix your set?
- It�s about time. Look at that TV set.

Oh. Well, there's nothing really
terribly wrong. It�s...

I�m here for a rest.

To cure my exposed nerves,
to forget about my fifth husband.

- Yes.
- To prepare for my sixth elopement.

- It�s gonna be a nice trip.
- But inasmuch as I only pay $ 75 a day

for this room, I guess I can't expect
the TV set in this only $ 75-a-day room

- to be in working condition!
- Well, I don't really think it's a...

I just have to make a minor
adjustment and...

- Well, fix it!
- Yes, I was on... When you yelled.

It�s just a very, very minor detail and
adjusting the back will fix the snow.

You'll see.

The snow is terrible. It'll be just...

I�m gonna get in the set
and fix the snow. Because it...

That's all. It�s just a small,
minor adjustment.

I mean, I�m gonna open and adjust.
So... Because the snow...

That doesn't help you get a...

It never snows in California, but...

...it's cold.

I can't stop it. Where's the button?

How do you...? The plug. l can't stop it.
Where's the plug?

It�s snowing. I�ll pull the plug.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- Get out here!
- Nurse Higgins!

You are an absolute nincompoop!

Shut that off!

Enter.

Good morning, Dr. Davenport.

Mr. Littlefield. Punctual as usual,
I see.

- Yes, well, doctor...
- Just lie down, Mr. Littlefield.

- I have to go, you see...
- Let's get back to where we left off.

As I recall, you had a dream that
your mother had three heads

and you were always ashamed
of her at PTA meetings.

Yeah, that was the dream.

That was because all the
other mothers had four heads, see,

and they had more places
to put their hats.

But I really have to go. I�ve gotta go to
Dr. Howard's office. I�m in trouble.

Dr. Howard's office.
That is trouble.

But I�ll be back tomorrow morning
at the same time, if it's okay with you...

Oh, yes, yes. Do indeed. I can't wait to
hear the end of that PTA meeting.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

What we want to accomplish at this
meeting is to clear the atmosphere,

to find out where we all
stand in this situation.

Well, it was actually all my fault,
Dr. Howard.

But I was just fixing the TV set
in her room.

It isn't just this time, Jerome.
And there's no fault, as such.

It�s just that in your
over anxiety to do well,

- you just try too hard.
- That's what I keep telling Jerome.

I keep telling him. Jerome, that is.

I tell him. ''Jerome!
Don't try so hard.''

I keep saying, ''Don't try so hard!''

Just four, everyday, simple
English-language words.

Just four ordinary,

everybody-knows type of words!

- Take it easy, Jerome!
- Maggie! Maggie!

- Maggie!
- Take it easy! Take it easy!

''Take it easy. Take it easy.''
That's all I say.

- It�s all right.
- That's all I say. All day. All night.

That's all I say. ''Don't try too hard.

''Please, try hard not to try so hard.''

It does no good.
He doesn't listen to me.

- He never even listens to me!
- I�m listening, I�m listening.

And I�m hearing also, hearing also.
You know about my keen ears.

I�m awfully sorry, Dr. Howard.
I really try. I just can't help it.

- Maybe you'd better fire me.
- No.

Why don't you fire me?

Because potentially you're a great
doctor. And we need great doctors.

I was thrown out of medical school.

Oh, well, there was a reason for that.
Your neurotic identification empathy.

But you'll get over that.

Dr. Davenport tells me you're
making progress with him.

Oh, yeah. We're doing fine. I can't get
past my mother and her three heads.

Jerome, believe me, you will be a great
doctor. Because you love people.

That's why your father was such
a great doctor. He loved people.

And people certainly loved him.

Yeah, well, the people I love, they
don't love me the same way back.

Now, Jerome, I don't wanna sound
like Raymond Massey or Sam Jaffe,

but I am in charge here.

Yes, you're the boss.
You're the headman, lady.

And I do have a certain responsibility
to the board of directors

and to those that are under me, like...
Well, like Nurse Higgins here.

Well, Nurse Higgins
is a perfect example.

- I love her, and she hates me back.
- Oh, Nurse Higgins does not hate you.

She may get a little perturbed
with you because of what...

Miss Blair, would you please?

''April 21st, the x-ray development
department. Jerome...''

Littlefield. Double-exposed
four x-ray negatives,

which caused Mr. Brown's liver to
wind up in Mrs. Schuman's right ear.

And Mr. Ogg's pancreas

wound up in Mrs. Livermore's
esophagus.

wound up in Mrs. Livermore's
esophagus.

Well, I wouldn't have a clown like
me around here anyhow.

Jerome, you listen to me.

I have great faith in you.

Now, you continue your sessions
with Dr. Davenport

and everything is going to turn out
all right.

Thank you, Dr. Howard.

Nurse Higgins?

Well, I was gonna say
I�m terribly sorry I upset you.

Perfectly all right, Jerome.
I upset easily. Go in peace.

Thank you very much,
and I promise I�ll try very hard.

I mean, I�ll try to not be very...
I will not be trying... I just won't try.

And I won't try. I�ll just hang out.
I won't even be.

You kind of like him,
don't you, doctor?

Oh, yes. Yes, I like him very much.

If luck had stayed with me,
he might have been my son.

Luck? To have Jerome as a son?

I was in love with his father.

This was taken the day
we became engaged.

Every time I look at Jerome,
I think of his father.

What a man.

Tell me something. What did
Dr. Howard mean when she said

that you had to leave medical school
because of your...

...neurotic identification empathy?

Oh, that's just a fancy way of saying

I�m overly sensitive to someone
that has pain.

It�s nothing more than
sympathy pains.

Everybody gets them,
but it's bad for a doctor.

I mean, I wouldn't do anyone
any good.

You know, I start to feel what
they're feeling, their symptoms,

and while I�m diagnosing them,
I feel what they feel

and before you know it,
I�m sicker than they are.

What do you think can
be done about it?

I don't know. That's why I�m
seeing Dr. Davenport.

He's trying to find out
why I am that way.

Well, why does he think
that you're that way?

Well, it's something to do with
a love frustration. l don't know.

But I certainly am not about to
be a doctor with this thing.

You're the only doctor
that can cure me.

- Oh, be careful.
- Yes, I�m watching.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh, my goodness.

- Don't worry.
- All right.

Morning, Mrs. Fuzzyby.
How do you feel today?

Well, just fine, except for the bile
in my gallbladder.

You see, my gallbladder is perforated.
It�s full of these itsy-bitsy, weeny holes,

which means that the bile keeps
coming through my gallbladder,

dripping through my gallbladder
through these

itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny holes.
It�s a sieve.

All day and all night long,
it just keeps dripping, dripping,

dripping, dripping into my stomach,
where it mixes with the acid,

which Doctor Smathers tells me
is generating constantly

in my poor, sick intestines.

Now, when the leaking bile mixes
with the stomach acid, oh, it's murder.

And then it really gets terrible.
I start gagging. I can't get my breath,

because all that bile keeps
rising into my throat

and I just can't breathe.

But l guess I�ll live long enough
to suffer even more.

Well, I�ll see you later, Millicent.
Push on, boy.

Oh, didn't you hear me?
Push on, orderly.

Well, what's the matter with you?
You look sick.

- I�m all right.
- Well, don't dilly-dally.

Push on, push, push.
Mush, mush.

- Hello, Mr. Welles.
- Oh, hello.

How's your leg, Mr. Welles?

It�s pretty bad.
You see, when they put the...

See? You should have seen my leg
when it was broken in four places.

Oh, the pain was agonizing.
My shinbone was broken

and it was sticking out
through my flesh.

They had to take 89 stitches
in my right leg.

And then the marrow in my bones
dried up

and I couldn't walk
for over two years.

Well, it's nice to see you again,
Mr. Welles. See you around.

- Drive on, boy.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, bile. Oh, bile.
- What did you say?

''Bye-bye,'' I was singing.
''Bye-bye.''

- Hi, Mrs. Fuzzyby.
- Oh, how do you feel, Mrs. Fuzzyby?

Don't tell them, Mrs. Fuzzyby.
Do me a favor. Just don't...

- What are you talking about?
- There's no point in...

- Will you please be quiet.
- Yes...

- Now, we were saying?
- We were wondering

- how you were feeling.
- Your back acting up again?

Oh, my back.
Well, I�ll tell you about my back.

Last night my...

- Orderly.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Be quiet, I�m talking.
- Yes.

Now, my back...

Actually, my poor back started
with my poor kidneys.

You know, of course,
that I have the weakest kidneys...

Tell them about your back,
Mrs. Fuzzyby.

Why don't you tell them
about your nose.

The bad nose, the break
in the ball game...

The leg was a beauty.
The leg was marvelous. A hanging leg.

She had the greatest hanging...

The skin... Remember the skin graft?
That was a doozy.

Tell them...
Please, Mrs. Fuzzyby, don't...

- Will you be quiet?!
- I�m gonna shut.

Now, I was telling you
about my kidneys.

I actually have the weakest kidneys
of anyone in the hospital.

Dr. Smathers told me himself.

He said, ''Mrs. Fuzzyby, you have the
weakest kidneys I have ever seen.

''Of all the years I�ve been
in this business,

''I�ve never seen weaker
kidneys.''

Now, the x-rays of my kidneys
show that they really, truly

are the weakest kidneys of anyone.

Anyone, not only in this hospital,

but the weakest kidneys
of any other hospital.

Even Dr. Smathers says:

''Mrs. Fuzzyby,
you have the weakest kidneys.

''Not only are they small,
but they're weak.

''Oh, the poor things are so weak.''

We brought her here
because it was closer and faster

than waiting for an
ambulance from General.

We picked her up
at 1 632 1 /2 Landers Street.

That's a third-rate rooming house.

No identification, no driver's license.

Laundry marks are all ripped out
of her clothing.

We're checking her fingerprints.

She moved in last night. The landlady
said she was obviously disturbed.

She called us right after the kid
took the overdose.

Oh, she left a note too.

''I don't want to live without love.''
That's it.

''I don't want to live without love.''

Yeah, that's it, all right.

Well, we'll take care of her.

Miss Blair, will you see
how she's getting along?

- Oh, excuse me. I was just...
- Listening?

Well, I was wondering about Susan
and, I mean...

Emergency. Dr. Howard would like
a report on the unidentified girl.

One moment, I�ll ask Dr. Smathers.

She's gonna make it.

She'll be all right.

She'll be all right. Thank you.

You did good.

How do you feel?

Awful.

- Where am I?
- You're in Whitestone Sanitarium.

How did I get here?

Don't worry, we're going
to take good care of you.

You'll take good care of me.
That'll be a first.

What's that for, a funeral?

Mine?

No. Someone hopes
that you'll get well.

Who hopes?

Who knows I�m here?

Well, I don't know.

Go on. Read it.

Is that funny?

What kind of place is this?

- I wanna get out of here.
- Please.

Take it easy. Relax. Please.

Look, try to relax.
Just... Just... Just take it easy, please.

I�ll get the doctor.

- Laundry pickup.
- Good morning, Jerome.

- It�s over there.
- Good morning. Thank you.

You're new here, aren't you, miss?

Then I hope you like it here.

- Will I see you again?
- I�m the orderly on this shift.

Will I see you again?

Well, yes, you will.

Then I won't like it here. Beat it.

Jerome was just being friendly.

I have had it up to here
with friendly men.

Hello, kids. You want I suggest
something good?

Like roast beef, string beans,
nice baked potato.

Arigato.
Sukiyaki very, very good.

I fix up... I fix up for you.
Very, very nice.

- I fix up for you. Sukiyaki, yeah?
- No.

Well, then, you gotta eat the only
thing we got over here: spaghetti.

Well, that's what
we came here for, spaghetti.

Well, you got it.

And there we are. Now, I never saw
a more beautiful plate in me life.

- Move all these things.
- Have yourself a ball

Oh, that's very hot.

Now we're getting to it.
I�m so hungry.

- I think that I�ll do without.
- Yes.

It�s...

Oh, do you like the music
that I selected?

That was a favorite of my father's.

He used to sing it to me
when I was just a kid.

You loved your father, didn't you?

Love you can't help.

But I also respected
and admired my father.

Respect and admiration
you have to earn.

Who else have you ever loved?

Oh, well, I loved his wife.
She was like a mother to me.

Anybody else?

It�s none of my business anyway.

Besides, I...

I can't be trusted.

What do you mean? I trust you.

Well, you shouldn't trust me.

You shouldn't go around trusting
people who read other people's mail.

Is that spaghetti sauce
getting to you? What's...?

Well, I did. The day that you took the
note and the rose to that girl's room.

I followed you.

And when you left, I...

I sneaked in and I read it.

You... You said that
you loved her and...

Oh, you're right, that spaghetti sauce
sure has gotten to me.

Julie, wait a minute. Julie.

Julie, wait a minute.

You know, I just decided.

I think I�ll go on a trip.

Maybe I could...

I�m sorry.

Julie, why did you read that note?

Because you knew
her name was Susan.

Because you knew who she was
before anybody else did.

And because...you love her.

Does she love you?

She doesn't even know I�m alive.

And if you don't say anything,
she never will.

Now, let's get back
to the spaghetti sauce, huh?

- But I don't understand.
- I don't either.

Hair.

Come on, Mr. Bryant.
Just take it easy.

Take it easy. The sun's gonna be
very good to you, Mr. Bryant.

Particularly since you're
just out of traction.

But we'll find a nice,
shady spot for you

and you'll sit and get the sun.

Easy, Mr. Bryant.

Hold it right there.
Nice, Mr. Bryant.

Stay right there,
and I�ll get a nice easy chair

and you'll sit here in the sun.

Stay right...
Stay right there, Mr. Bryant.

I�ll get...
I�ll get you a comfortable chair.

Here's a perfect chair for you,
right here. I missed...

This is the one that you'll sit
in the shade, and you'll bake.

Here you are, Mr. Bryant.

A real nice chair for you to relax.

And after you sit nice in the sun,
we'll get lotion so you don't burn.

You'll see this chair...
We'll get it open for you.

And you finally can sit.

Mr. Bryant.

He's going down the hill!

Mr. Bryant! Mr. Bryant. I�ll get you.

Oh, don't worry.
Watch out for that...

There's a doozy.
Look out for that rock. I�ll get you.

Mr. Bryant! Don't worry.
I�m... I�m coming.

Mr. Bryant! Mr. Bryant!

Don't worry, Mr. Bryant.
I�ll get you.

I�m coming, Mr. Bryant.

Mr. Bryant. I�ll get you!
Don't worry.

Mr. Bryant! Mr. Bryant!

Come on out. Mr. Bryant?

I lost a patient.

Mr. Bryant, would you
come out, please?

Mr. Bryant! He was in...

How do you lose a whole...?
Mr...

I lost a grown... He was...

I knew they had an operation, and
they took out-- But I didn't think that...

Mr. Bryant!

- Dr. Howard?
- Yes, Miss Blair?

Dr. Howard, it's time
for the board meeting.

Thank you, Miss Blair.
I�ll be right there.

You're moving fast today.

I�d better move fast today,
or you may have a new boss.

Oh, one of those meetings.

Whenever Mr. Tuffington calls
a meeting, it's one of those meetings.

- Oh, hello.
- Who are you,

- one of the mental patients?
- No. I�m an orderly, sir.

Jerome Littlefield. I�m an orderly.

- Do you know who I am?
- Yes, sir.

You're president of the board
of this sanitarium, Mr. Tuffington.

And do you know
that I can fire you just like that?

Yes, I know you can do that.

And do you know
that not only can l fire you,

but I can keep you from
working in any other hospital?!

Yeah, I know that too, sir.
You're a very important man.

All right. Out of my way.

Do you know I can have you fired
out of here just like that?

Like that!
Fired! Out! Vamoose!

Scram! Over the hill!

Like that!

lf I wanna...

Like that! Well, don't just
stand there, do something.

That's it.

Can the president of the board
of a hospital do that?

Do that?

Do that!

Mr. Tuffington, every year
since I�ve been in charge here

your profits have increased.

True, Dr. Howard. True.

But we just expected more this year.

Now, I know that we can't go too far
in robbing the sick

or we'd get in trouble like that book

exposing the costs of funerals
and cemetery fees.

Wow! We... We don't need
an expos� in this racket.

The markup on pills and medicines,
man, they'd crucify us.

No, all we want is all that
the traffic will bear.

Now, is that our policy or not?

That is our policy, doctor.

Now, you remember
when we had the survey made

to ascertain which illness
was the most profitable?

I remember.

We discovered that there was
more profit in mental illness

than in physical illness.

So we ordered another survey.

And we discovered that the largest
concentration of mental nuts

was in show business.

Yes, the people in show business
were actually 22 percent crazier

than those in the
government business,

who had previously been
considered the nuttiest.

And so we directed all our energies

to attracting those
in the movies and television.

Television.

There's a fortune for us in television.

Crazy actors, crazy sponsors.

It�s wild, men. Wild.

Speaking of television, you realize,
of course, that we have Fat Jack here.

And we also have Fat Jack's agent's
mother-in-law here.

And a vice president
of one of the largest networks

is locked up in our psychiatric ward.

I am not underestimating your
accomplishments, doctor.

We also have several television
sponsors under psychiatric treatment.

All hopeless cases.

The president of the Popping and
Crunching Breakfast Food Company...

Please, Dr. Howard. Please.

Yes, well, just so you know.

I know, but we should have
more nuts in this place.

Do you realize that
this whole country is cracking up?

Why, ever since the government
had the honesty

to come out and state
that cigarettes are dangerous,

people are going crazy smoking,

because they know
that it's bad for them.

And everyone who smokes
is a mental case.

This hospital has to have its share
of America's nuts! It�s patriotic.

But we haven't had a vacant bed.
We're completely filled.

Yes.

Yes, I know.

But last Wednesday, Sam Levitt,

the famous voice
of Lumpy Snooty Oink Oink,

the cartoon pig
on television's prime time,

was refused admittance
to this sanitarium.

Because we had no vacant beds.

Yes, but we have a non-paying
guest occupying one of our beds.

A Miss Andrews.
Miss... Miss Susan Andrews.

You know our policy:
no money, no bed.

Get that pauper out of this institution.
Do you understand?

No money, no bed. I understand.

Good day, gentlemen.

Mr. Tuffington.

Roll over. Roll...

Roll over, please.

- Nurse Higgins?
- Did you find that moron yet?

- Yes, I did.
- Doesn't he know we're short-handed?

- Now, where was he?
- He overslept.

- Overslept?
- But he is serving breakfast now.

Well, it's about time. On your way.

Overslept.

Roll over, please.

You can move over now.

Move over, will you?!

Drat!

Good morning
Lovely day

Pretty flowers from my garden

Good morning
Lovely day

Pretty flowers from my garden

- Bonjour
- Bonjour

Voil�-l�

J'ai l'�toile de bonjour

Good morning, Mr. Mealy!

I notice on the door
you're Milton M. Mealy.

I am your orderly on this shift,
Jerome Littlefield.

Up, up, up.
Sandman working overtime last night?

Look what we have
for Mr. Mealy this morning!

We have num-nums.

Isn't that goody good good?
Num-nums.

We have oatmeal.
Lumpy, lumpy oatmeal.

Eggs, toast, Eggos, coffee.
Is that marvelous?

Lumpy, lumpy oatmeal.
Is that wonderful?

Not before we brush our teeth.
Not before we clean ourselves.

Not before we brush our teeth
We brush, brush, brush, brush

Here we are. Sit nicely.

This is the way we brush our teeth

Brush our teeth
Brush our teeth

And this is the way we brush...

All right, where are they?

Mr. Mealy?

They're in the glass.

His... Are in the glass.

I didn't know. They're in the...
Did you know?

Did you know they were... ?
He didn't know.

They're in the glass.

Your teeth are in the...

Well, I�d better...
You don't need this, then.

No wonder they're in the glass.
He has strong gums.

Well, l didn't know, Mr. Mealy.

I mean, I never...

Don't be unkind, Mr. Mealy.

Your face contour
was such a handsomeness.

You were a dream, adorable,
and I never imagined...

But you could try some of this.
It�s soft.

Lumpy, lump, lump oatmeal.

That's very soft to chew, but don't...

You should chew it.
Don't look like...

Don't look like you're gonna be...
Oh, don't, Mr. Mealy!

No, no, no.

Oh, Nurse Higgins.

You're full of...stuff.

I�m sorry, Nurse Higgins.

Mr. Mealy, he was...

There's some...

You could be a colonel, with...

No.

It wasn't my... Let me take...

You see, I...
I had brought him...

...the breakfast.
Well, don't... Don't cry.

I still have his toothbrush.

I know. I�m...

I�m... Oh, don't cry.

Well, he threw it, that louse...

Yeah, I know.

Here, does that make it better?
I�ll have some.

Yours aren't in a glass.

No, that's not good enough...

Well, I... I better... You...

I can get this pressed for you.

Don't be mad at me. That...

Orderlies' locker room.
Jerome Littlefield speaking.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Julie.

Before I decide on which of the many
offers I have to go out tonight,

I kind of thought I�d like to hear yours.

Yeah, well, I�m sorry,
but I�m on duty tonight, Julie.

- But have a good time.
- I�ll try.

Goodbye.

Are you okay?

I�m fine.

I just didn't know Jerome
was on duty tonight.

Thanks, Maggie.

Go! Go! Go!

Stand up and cheer for Quimby

Hail the orange and white

We are here for
Here to cheer for Quimby

Fight!

Stand up and cheer for Quimby

As we rout the foe

Strong and fearless
Proud and peerless

Go! Go! Go!

Stand up and cheer for Quimby

Hail the orange and white

We are here for
Here to cheer for

Quimby High!

Stand up and cheer for Quimby

As we rout the foe

Go, men!

Who's in here?

I want to speak
to Dr. Howard, please.

Susan is a disturbed personality.

And anything that causes her
an additional disturbance is harm.

Jerome.

I�m not prying,
but can I do anything for you?

Well, there's no point in my saying
''don't let it happen again'',

because it can't.
Susan is going to leave here today.

But, Dr. Howard,

she's not... She's not anywhere near
through with her treatments.

This is not a charity hospital,
Jerome,

as I have recently and forcibly
been reminded.

I�ve no choice but to let her go.

No money, no bed.

She might take those pills again.

Well, what can I do?

Well, Dr. Howard, if...
lf she can pay, she can stay, right?

The girl has no money.

Well, I�ll pay her bills.

You? Oh, Jerome. How can you?

Well, I�ll earn it.
I mean, I�ll... I�ll work.

In my spare time,
I�ll get some extra jobs.

And I�ll work on the weekends
and on my days off, I�ll stay on.

I�ll pay and... All the bills and...
Well, money is money, right?

Right.

But this is more than money
that you're giving.

Well, then, it's a deal.
And you won't say anything to her.

She'll never know that it's me.
Right, doc?

She means a lot to you, doesn't she?

Dr. Howard, did you ever know anyone
in your life you just...

...couldn't get over?

I knew someone just like that once.

- Janet.
- Hi, Jerome.

Miss Andrews.

Well. Goon boy.
lf it isn't the gooney goon boy.

Say, freak, I miss you.

You know, I like it when you come
sneaking around my room.

When can I expect you again, huh?

I�ll be sure and wear my low-cut,

high-rise, black negligee, huh?
And make it more exciting

- Come on, Susan.
- for you, huh?

- You crummy peeping Tom.
- Come on, Susan.

Say, what kind of a place is this
anyway, huh?

They're supposed to make you well
in there,

while he hangs around
making you sick.

- What's going on?
- You wanna know what's wrong?

He's what's wrong. The creep here.
Look at him. He's what's wrong.

- Now, let's come back inside.
- Oh, no. Not me. I�m fine.

I�m perfectly normal
compared to jerk here.

You better work on him, doc.

He'll wear out your couch
before you get through with him.

- Jerome.
- Yeah? Oh.

Oh, yes, Dr. Howard?

You're sure you're not too tired
to carry those?

No, thank you. I�m fine.

Well, you know, you've worked
all your days off

and every weekend
for the last three months.

But I�m fine. Honest.

I just wanted to be sure.

Now, remember,
you take the female skeleton

to Dr. Dorian Dimittie in Radiology.

And you take the male skeleton
to Dr. Thomas Minifee.

Yeah, I take the girl skeleton
to Dr. Thomas Diminin.

No. Dr. Dorian Dimittie.

Yeah, and I take the boy skeleton

over to Dr. Walter Muminin
in Radiomusculal.

That's correct.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, yes.

- Oh, Dr. Howard.
- Yes.

Suppose I mix up the skeletons.

How am I gonna know the girl bones
from the boy bones?

Jerome.

You mean to say you don't know the
difference between boys and girls?

Oh, yeah, I know the difference.

Except I know girls better
when they're upholstered.

''When they're upholstered''!
Hey, that's not bad.

You can tell girls better
when they're upholstered.

Up, up, up, up.
Walk like everybody else.

Good day, there

No, he's all right. Don't worry
about him. Good day!

''Fall in love'', they say.

''Then you'll learn what living really is.

''Fall in love. Get married.''

Sure.

Get married.

It�s a one-way ticket
to ''and happily ever after''.

It�s a one-way ticket to nothing.

Well, how about my parents?
They were married.

Although all I can remember
about them...

...is how they used to scream
at each other.

But that was them,
and me, I was me.

Everything would be different with me.

Me, the most popular girl in school.

And my boyfriend
was the most popular boy.

We were a perfect pair,
everybody said.

Perfect pair.

I was the perfect idiot.

I did everything for him...

...and he did everything to me.

You know, love does more harm
than all the atom bombs.

And they're trying to ban the bomb.

Poor bomb.

At least it looks pretty
when it breaks up.

Hey, doctor, do you suppose
that I�m the victim of fallout?

Romantic fallout?

What a marriage.

He was playing around
with other girls...

...before I�d even combed the rice
out of my hair.

So...

...I took pills.

So...

...I hate him.

I hate men.

So I want to die.

So what?

So what?

Who cares?

So just sit there
and don't say anything.

Go on, don't say anything.
I don't care.

Because if nobody else
gives a damn about me,

why should I give a damn
about myself?

Somebody does give a damn
about you.

Oh, well, well, well.

It talks.

Yes, it talks.

Say, let's talk, huh?
What'll we talk about?

I�d like to tell you a story.

A story? Oh, that's wonderful.
What kind of story?

It�s a story about love and loving.

Oh, that sounds marvelous, doctor.

Tell me, will you break in
with soap commercials?

- Just lie down, Miss Andrews, please.
- Why, sure.

Start the organ music, doctor.
Oh, I can't wait.

A love story. Oh, goody.

- Does it have a happy ending, doctor?
- I don't know. It isn't over yet.

This is the story about a young man
who really cared for a girl.

The girl was in trouble

and the young man had to earn
more money than he'd ever seen

in order to take care of her.

He worked night and day.
He did everything and anything.

No job was too menial,
no job was beneath him.

He had no pride
where this girl was concerned.

He cared for her...

...fully...

...wholly...

...completely. He had a heart of gold,
housewife's' knees

and detergent hands.

This boy was energetic
whether he had energy or not.

lf he could have had children,

he would have made some man
a perfect wife.

Even if he could tell time,

he didn't have any time to tell time.

lf there had been a prize
for growing calluses,

he would have been Mr. America.

Then finally came the day he was
able to quit work and take a rest...

...without pay.

Wait. Mist...
Wait, Mr. Tuff...

- Wait, mister...
- Yes!

Get out of here!

Oh, I�m sorry, Mr. Tuffington, Mr...

Oh, the board of presidents.
I�m awfully...

Shut up!

- I�m awfully sorry. Yes, I�ll shut up.
- Don't you move.

You stay right where you are.

- Oh, yes, I won't...
- You hear?

Yes, I hear. I won't move.
I�m gonna stay right where I am.

- Mr. Tuffington.
- And Jerome.

...anything, sir?

I�m not going to fire you,

- because I�m going to kill you!
- Oh, no!

- Mr. Tuffington!
- Oh, please, don't...

Mr. Tuffington,
you leave that boy alone.

- Leave me alone.
- Take your hands off of him.

Dr. Howard, are you taking his side?!

Well, I know Jerome
wouldn't do anything wrong.

- No.
- Well, he's fired!

And do you know what, Dr. Howard?

You're fired too!

As of the end of this week,
you are through, do you hear?!

I hear you, Mr. Tuffington.

Did you hurt yourself,
Mr. Tuffington?

My ankle is sprained.

Which? Well, let me take this shoe off.

- You'd better go, Jerome.
- Well, I�m awfully sorry

I lost your job for you, Dr. Howard.

I�m glad it happened.
Now I can be honest again.

- Goodbye, Jerome, goodbye.
- Yeah, goodbye, Dr. Howard.

Listen, just take it easy
and we'll have a stretcher for you, now.

Jerome.

Whenever I see people
carrying suitcases,

I figure they must be
going somewhere.

- Oh, yeah.
- Leaving?

Yeah.

- And I�m in a hurry.
- So am I.

- ''So am I'' what?
- In a hurry...

To say thank you
for being so good to me.

And in a hurry to ask you to please
forgive me for acting the way I did.

Well, they shouldn't have told you,
and you certainly needn't thank me.

I wanted to do it. So long, Susan.

Where are we going?

- We?
- We, if you want me.

lf I want you?

We can be a ''we''.

I�m yours, if you want me.

You feel all right?

I feel something.
I don't know if it's all right or not.

''I�m yours if you want me.''
You said that or didn't you?

- Yes. I just said that.
- You said it because you're grateful.

Yes, I am grateful, now...

...but in time I�ll learn to love you...

...because you're good
and you're kind.

It won't be hard to love you.

It�s funny.

What's funny?

Ever since the day I first saw you,
way back in high school,

I dreamed of when you'd kiss me.

And then that one time, when I saw
someone kissing you, I thought I�d die.

And just now...

It�s funny and...

And?

Would you mind...?
Wait a moment.

There. Could I try this again?

- Once?
- Of course.

That's what's funny.

What?

Well, it should be, and it isn't,
the Fourth of July.

I can see it isn't the Fourth of July.

No, I mean it should be
the Fourth of July.

You know, with Roman candles...

And skyrockets...

And firecrackers...

- And, well, you know...
- Know what?

Well, you know I love you.

I�ve always loved you.

But I don't think I am in love with you.

Well... Well, wait, let's not get hasty.
Let me... Let me try this part.

- Could I again, once?
- Yes, you have to be sure.

Yeah, you don't fool with lips
and stuff that...

July third, maybe?

Well, let's...

- One more shot at it.
- Be my guest.

Okay.

Also have to start with the...

No.

No, I...
I don't think we make it together.

Well, don't destroy
my ego completely.

Let me try.

- Oh, may I?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's all right.
Have a go at it, if you like.

Sorry. No-go.

No-go?

No, but you...
But you made me feel good, I mean...

I gotta say that.
And you made my heart lighter.

It�s as though I unloaded
a heavy burden I�ve been carrying

for a long, long time.

Like the psychiatrist said, I�ve been
carrying this burden, a hidden burden.

Hey!

Could...? You think...?
You think you could have cured me?

You...
I mean, do you suppose I�m cured?

Hey, maybe I could still be a doctor.

And if I am, it's all on account of you.
I can still be a doctor.

I�ll treat you free. You and your kids,
when you have them. Free.

So long...Susan.

Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzyby!

Mrs. Fuzzyby!

Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzyby!

Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzyby!

Mrs. Fuzzyby!
Mrs. Fuzzy...

Mrs. Bushyfuzz!

- Oh, what does that fool orderly want?
- Mrs. Fuzzyby!

Here I am, fool orderly!

Oh, Mrs. Fuzzyby.
Mrs. Fuzzyby.

Mrs. Fuzzyby! Oh, Mrs. Fuzzyby!

- Tell me about your gallbladder.
- My gallbladder?

Oh, yeah, tell me about your gorgeous,
lovely, bladdy ball gall.

Why, you darling, darling boy.
Are you worried about my gallbladder?

Oh, I really am, like you don't...
I love that gall...

- Tell me your bladder story.
- Oh, well, l tell you, the bile, it drips.

It drips all day and it drips all night.

Just drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.

And then when it stops,
it starts all over again.

Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.

Yeah, what about the acid backing up
into the stomach

- and the fluid being mixed?
- Oh, my stomach pain is intense.

My intestines are like a blast furnace
in August.

- A blast furnace in August!
- Yes!

Marvelous! What about the choking
and gagging? Give me a shot

- at the choking and gagging.
- And then the bile

and the acid rises up into my throat,
and I start gagging and choking

and choking and choking

- and after I�ve stopped choking...
- Marvelous.

Now what I�d like to know...
Would you just tell me, please?

- I haven't finished with the choking.
- Forget the choking.

Let's get on to the bad-leg story.
Tell me about the four-part break...

Well, you know, of course,
that my leg was so badly broken

that the bone was sticking out
through the skin.

Why, I couldn't walk.
The pain was killing.

Yeah, all right. I... Now...
Now, this is it, now.

Mrs. Fuzzyby,
this is the big momu, mama.

Gung ho! And get set for this.

Tell me, but...

Cool it and let her rip.

- The kidney.
- Oh, my kidneys!

Well, everyone knows
that I have the weakest kidneys.

No one has kidneys weaker than I.

Even Dr. Smathers said,
''Mrs. Fuzzyby,

''you have the weakest,
weakest kidneys.''

Not only are they small,
but they're weak.

Oh, the poor things are so weak.

Freedom!

Free! Unchained by the
naturalistic faith of... Oh.

I�m cured! Julie! Julie, l kicked it!
I�m cured, Julie! I�m free! Free!

I don't wanna go to General!
I want to stay here!

Well, that's unfortunate.

But you have no money with you
and you know our policy:

''No money, no bed.''

Where is she? I just came from her
quarters. They said she was gone.

She's gone. She quit.

Well, where did she quit?
I mean, where did she gone... Go?

I mean, I love her.

Love her? And that's why you're out
there kissing one of the patients?

Oh, Susan? That's how I found out
I loved Julie.

Julie's the Fourth of July,
don't you understand?

No.
I never did understand you.

Well, I never meant that... Well...

She's going home.
She's on her way to the airport.

- Oh, well, thanks. Then I�ll go get her.
- Hurry.

I don't want to go to General!
I want to stay here!

I want to stay in my own hospital.

Don't just stand there,
bring back that ambulance!

- What's wrong?
- Somebody just stole the ambulance.

- That must be Jerome.
- What did you say?

- Jerome. He's after Julie.
- Oh, no. Tuffington's inside.

Great Scott!

- Can you drive an ambulance?
- In the Army, I drove a tank. Nicely.

- Come on, let's go.
- Oh, all right.

- Look out, you'll hit the interns!
- Don't worry. They're young.

See how they jumped?

I hope he doesn't have
a bad accident.

Have a bad accident?
He is a bad accident.

Let me out of here!

Mr. Tuffington,
what are you doing there?

- Stop this ambulance immediately!
- You can't yell at me, I�m fired.

- You're... You're hired again.
- Does that go for Dr. Howard too?

Yes, she's hired again. Now, stop
this ambulance immediately!

Yes, sir.

Oh, friction. Burning.

How's that for stopping,
Mr. Tuffington!

Help! Help! Help!

Mr. Tuffington. Mr. Tuffington!

Mr. Tuffington.

Come back! Mr. Tuffington!

Mr. Tuffington!

Maggie, look!

I never saw him move so fast.

Mr. Tuffington!

Get out of the way, you idiot!

Oh, no!

Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Tuffington.
Stop!

Jerome!

Jerome! Wait a minute!

It�s Julie!

- Julie.
- Oh, Julie. Oh, Julie, are you all right?

I get so nervous when I�m after
that Jerome. He's such an idiot.

- Help!
- Mr. Tuffington.

- Help! Help!
- Mr. Tuffington! Duck, duck!

Help!

Oh, no!

So much air will come out...
I got four nostrils.

- Are you all right, Julie?
- Oh. Yes.

Yes, I�m fine.

Julie! Julie, it's me!

- Why don't we stop and pick him up?
- We can't.

We gotta get Tuffington first.

He owes me severance pay.

Julie! Wait for me, Julie!

- I apologize!
- You know,

I could swear I hear Jerome.

Julie, I love...

I knew I heard Jerome.

Oh, look out!

Jerome!

Jerome!

Are you all right?

Yeah, I�m fine.

Jerome. Jerome!

Isn�t that nice? Mr. Tuffington gave
Dr. Howard and myself our jobs back.

Except my empathy is cured and
I don't have to be an orderly anymore.

That is, if you'll marry me right away.

Marry you?

Oh, yes, doctor.

Wait a minute.
What about Mr. Tuffington?

What happened to Mr. Tuffington?

Don't worry. Whatever happened
to him, he deserved it.

- That's right. Go back to your kissing.
- Yes, doctor.

Come, more from that...

Oh, no!

No! No!

JALAL YAZDY