Original subtitles

All right, everybody out.

Welcome to the neighbourhood, shamus.

Move on, punk.

All right, get out!

All right, take it easy! What are you trying to do?

Get out.

All right, come on, get out. Here we go.

I was emptying the garbage.

- Go on, get inside. - Move on, punk.

What are you trying to prove? You a tough guy?

Butt out, Damon!

Come in.

- I�s you. Come in, sit down. - Thank you, sir.

I want to talk to you. Well, I see you've been initiated.

I'd like to put in for the Purple Heart.

- Some evening? - It wasn't so bad.

- Quite a rumble. - I've seen worse.

I've noticed. Your record shows you've spent three years

working in neighbourhoods like ours, so-called slum areas.

- Tha�s right. - You've had your skull fractured,

your arm broken twice, lost three teeth and been stabbed four times.

- No, sir... - By young hoodlums

who you tried unsuccessfully to reform. Correct?

- Not exactly, sir. - Damon, le�s get to the point.

You've worked as an emissary for a would-be group of reformers

who think juvenile delinquency can be curtailed by treating them with kid gloves.

- Just a minute. - Wait. I'm talking.

If I wait until you finish talking, Captain, I'll be up for a pension!

- Well put, Mike. Go ahead. Talk. - Thank you, sir.

I know you wanted me in your precinct

as much as you like Dillinger. But give me a chance.

You've had opportunities, but your plan failed.

It never had a chance to grow. Somebody always stepped on my head.

I don't mean the delinquents. You know how I�s been.

I�s been the brass upstairs.

- They think I'm nuts. - Aren't you?

You can handle kids without belting their brains out.

Am I nuts because I think that there might be just one slob worth saving?

While you're trying to save that one, 99 others are blowing up city hall!

The main thing to worry about is the majority!

Tha�s where you're wrong.

Real bad ones, you can't change.

But that one good one, if given a chance, can multiply.

If that happens, every decent community benefits.

Damon, you are nuts.

- I think. - Maybe so, Captain.

But once I was on the short end of those 99-to-1 odds.

It took a policeman to help me and I'd like to pay him back.

OK, I�s your skull. I'll stay out of your way.

- Thank you! - For 30 days.

If you don't come up with a saved soul, you'll wind up policing the library.

Yes, sir.

- Yeah? - Ready for the show-up, Captain.

Your guinea pigs are ready for exposure.

Le�s find the one with the soulful eyes.

Wise punks. Tough punks.

You think you're getting away with something.

I'm gonna give you a big fat message.

You ain't getting away with nothing.

We're hip to all of you, and one of these days,

I�s gonna be the long, slow ride up that dirty river.

Sing Sing,

where the nights are long, cold and miserable,

where the food is slop

and every time you open your filthy mouths,

the guards are gonna bust every bone in your stupid, crummy heads.

Sing Sing, with its solitary confinement and the electric chair.

Wait a second.

I didn't do nothing.

I was just taking out a garbage can.

I don't wanna go to the... Please don't make me go...

I was taking out the garbage can. I don't wanna go to the electric chair.

Tha�s terrible.

Let me out. I ain't gonna eat this slop.

I don't wanna go to jail.

What, for emptying a garbage pail?

Please! I'm too tall to die.

Help me out, Monk, do something.

Shut up.

OK, I won't say nothing. Whatever you say, I won't say a word.

- Shut up! - I didn't even say a word.

If you tell me to shut up, I keep my mouth shut.

What, am I gonna get myself in trouble?

Tonight you get a break.

It just happens this is "Be Kind To Rats" week.

We got orders to let you go.

But the next time, I�s gonna be that long, slow ride.

Go on, get out of here, all of you. Crawl back in your holes.

Thanks a lot, Sergeant. Boy, I appreciate it, Sergeant.

- I�s all right. - Thank you for letting me go.

- I�s all right. - I didn't wanna go to jail.

- Get him out! - You're a terrific cop.

- Get him out! - Thank you very much.

He's a wonderful sergeant.

He's not gonna put me in jail. I'm not gonna...

I didn't wanna hang...

- Did you find your pigeon? - I�s pretty obvious.

- Him? - The grateful one. Wha�s his name?

- Sidney. - Sidney what?

Pythias. He works as an apprentice janitor down the street.

- Sidney Pythias? - Well, wha�s the matter?

Well, what do you know about that! Mike Damon.

Sidney Pythias. Damon and Pythias.

Remember your Greek mythology.

I never even passed algebra and I ain't interested in mythology.

I wanna know if you're really gonna go to work on him.

Yes, sir. I am, sir.

- OK, Damon. Good luck. - Thank you, sir.

- You'll need it! - Yes, sir.

Hey, Monk! Fellas, wait a second. Let me explain.

- Why don't you go away? - I just wanna explain.

I was taking out the garbage cans. It brings ants.

Hey, Sidney? Look.

Why don't you stick with your garbage and mops and stay away from me?

You're a professional jinx. Now, go home and scare your tenants.

Hi, Mr Kellin. Could I help you?

No. Never mind, Sidney.

Thank you very much. Never mind.

Yeah, but I just thought...

Hi, Mr Fox. Could I give you a hand?

No, thanks, Sidney. Thank you just the same.

Some other time, maybe.

Hiya, Sidney. Hey, you got a minute? I'd like to talk to you.

Well, am I in trouble!

Wha�s going on here?

- Sidney! - Yeah.

- Wha�s going on up there? - Oh, nothing.

I was... Hello, Mr Herman.

- Wha�s going on? - An air raid.

- What kind of a janitor are you? - Well, I'm...

- There ain't no hot and cold water! - I'm trying.

Six rooms, three baths, $30 a month I pay.

- I can't get no service! - I'm awful sorry.

- What about the dumb waiter? - What?

- The dumb waiter don't work. - I fixed it...

It don't work. Get it fixed.

- Fix the plumbing and heater! - No.

- What? Sidney! - I mean, yes, sir.

- Sidney! - Yes, Sister Merman...

- You making fun of me? - No, Mr Herman. I�s just that I'm...

A guy got enough trouble. A nothing like you has to tell me what to do!

Wait a minute. Don't call me a nothing. I don't like that.

Well, I don't like that.

I beg your pardon. I'm sorry.

From now on, I�ll be Mr Nothing!

I didn't mean to make you sore...

Go on, get out of here! Do something! Fix something!

"Go on, get out of here! Fix something! Do something!

"Do something!"

Hello, Sidney.

Hello.

How've you been?

Fine.

Will you empty this for me?

Sure.

- Thank you, Sidney. - Sure.

Mr Crow?

Mr Crow?

And when you rock 'n' roll And do that thing

Brown dog, brown dog, rock 'n' roll

You're gonna brown dog rock it Your brown dog's rolling

You roll and you rock And the brown dog too

Hello, Mr Crow. I hope you'll excuse me, sir.

- I was just playing your broom. - Tha�s my theremin!

- Your what? - I suppose you came to see it.

- Yes, tha�s a nice theremin. - Not that.

You know what I mean.

- You mean X-93? - Right! I�s finished.

Where is it?

I'm so excited, I can't wait to see it.

I thought the X-93 was your new invention to cure the common cold.

- It came out different. - What did it come out as?

What does it look like?

- A spaceship? - Right! For frogs.

- Frogs? - Did you ever stop to realise,

when the Earth is destroyed, people will escape to the moon in rocket ships?

What about the poor little frogs? How are they going to get away?

I'll tell you how. In my frog ship.

The remarkable thing about this is it holds one million frogs.

Did you hear what I said? One million frogs!

Tha�s terrific.

Even if I only charge them $3 apiece, I'll be rich!

Well, tha�s really wonderful.

- Did you hear the phone? - Rich!

If only I didn't have to pay the withholding.

- That is a shame. - I want you to take this.

Study it closely.

When we start to build the working model,

we'll work hand in hand.

- I... - Don't worry, I have another one.

- Well, I was... - Good luck, son!

Thank you very much and I'll take very good care of this so that the...

And I'll guard this, and I can...

To the... And all those frogs.

Tha�s the best thing you can make... A whole lot with...

With the little frogs, Mr Crow.

Rich! Do you hear? Rich!

Hiya, Sidney.

What you got there, a model airplane?

- No, not exactly. - Can I look at it?

- Sure. - Attaboy.

- I�s kind of bulky, isn't it? - Well, it should be.

- I�s got a million frogs in it. - That... I beg your pardon?

What I mean is, I�s not an ordinary spaceship. I�s for frogs.

Sure, Sidney.

When the world comes to an end,

how are the frogs gonna get to the moon? In this.

That makes sense.

You can get these in stores all over the world. Garages, butcher shops.

They'll make millions of these things and... Are you puzzled?

No.

Hey, Sidney, wait a minute. Can I talk to you a second?

What do you wanna talk about?

Well... Look, I�s kind of personal. Could we go someplace private?

- I didn't do nothing. - Nobody said you did.

You got someplace we can talk private-like?

- I got a lot of work to do. - Come on. I�ll only take a second.

OK, come on.

Thank you.

Hey, this is very nice.

- It is? - You've got it fixed up real nice.

- You really like it? - I sure do.

I�s a little crowded, but then... Well, after all, you are alone.

You ain't kidding.

Pull up a chair, kid, sit down.

Come on, pull up a chair.

- Well, what do you...? - Come on.

- Smoke? - No, I never do.

Tha�s good.

Sidney, my name is Mike Damon.

- How do you do, Officer Damon? - No. Mike.

Hello, Officer Mike.

Sidney...

I wanna help you.

Can you fix a dumb waiter?

- That isn't what I had in mind. - What about plumbing?

- I have a stove that... - No, Sidney.

I'm not here for the fixtures. I'm here to work on you.

Work on me? Why? I'm not out of order.

Say, what do you really want, anyhow?

Don't answer that. I'm not interested.

- Why don't you get out of here? - Sit down, kid. Please?

I don't want anything, Sidney. I just want to help you.

I don't need any help. I'm doing fine.

You are, huh?

I got a nice place to live in. You said yourself I�s pretty nice.

And I got lots of friends.

- Name two. - What?

Name two friends.

Well, there's...

And another guy... Wha�s the difference? I got lots of friends.

Like Monk and Artie and all those other creeps?

- They're good guys. - They stink!

- I hate them. - But you, you're a good kid.

- You're a nice kid. - Well, how do you know?

I've been checking on you.

- You graduated from high school. - I did? I mean, yeah, I did.

And you also got pretty good marks, too.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

And especially in manual training.

I was very good. You can ask me any question about wood.

I know about wood. Would you like to see something I made?

I�s a backscratcher. I�s very good. Made in wood.

I�s the wrong side.

This side.

I�s wood.

- How do you make it...? - This? I�s very simple. Watch.

I made it up myself.

- Tha�s very good. - Thank you.

Yeah. Now, where were we?

We were talking about my backscratcher.

No, we were talking about you.

I also discovered that you tried to enlist in the Army.

And the Navy, the Coast Guard and the Marines.

- They all turned me down. - Why? What happened?

They thought I was nutty. My temperament.

- Psychologically unfit? - My lungs were fine.

They just thought I was nutty. But I don't care.

I couldn't have been what I wanted to be, anyhow.

What did you wanna be?

A lot of things.

- For example? - I'm thirsty.

- Like some seltzer? - Seltzer?

Yeah. Tha�s the phone. Excuse me.

- Hello? - Is Zelda there?

No, she is not.

Look, pal, don't give me that.

I know she's there and I wanna talk to her!

Please excuse me for being unkind,

but I told you already, there is no Zelda here.

Not now, ever or at no time. There's no Zelda.

- Now, will you please put her on? - Not here, ever...

Guy keeps calling up and asking for Zelda. There's no Zelda here.

I don't know no Zelda except a parakeet, I know Zelda, but not...

- Where were we? - Tha�s a good question.

- I was gonna get you some seltzer. - Tha�s all right.

Excuse me. Nice kitty.

Why are you staring?

- The bottle opener. I forgot it. - Never mind, Sidney.

- I�ll only take a second. - No.

- You don't want the seltzer? - No.

- Let me explain. I�ll take a second. - No, kid, I'm getting airsick.

- But if you want the seltzer... - No!

- You wanted... - No, thanks!

- I won't coax you. Whatever you say. - Now, look, kid...

Tha�s my phone. Excuse me.

Don't start that again!

Listen to me, will you? I wanna talk to Zelda!

Will you listen to me? You call up here and ask for Zelda.

There is no Zelda! And the parakeet is a girl.

The girl is a bird... There's no Zelda. If it was a bird, you couldn't get it.

- Look, pal... - No one here at that name.

- Zelda... - Put her on!

There is no one here that name and you call and I�s a wrong number!

Tha�s all. You got a wrong number.

Look, kid, come here. I wanna see you tonight.

- Am I under arrest? - No.

- Are you gonna lock me up? - No, of course not.

I'm sorry. I thought maybe we could have dinner together over at my place.

I cook a great steak.

I thought we could sit around, play gin, maybe watch TV.

Get to know each other.

Well, what do you say?

I don't understand, you know. I mean, why me?

You know, I don't understand.

Why did you pick on me to buddy up with for, you know?

To be perfectly honest with you,

I'm new in the neighbourhood and have few friends.

I thought I could break the ice with you.

Well... thanks for the invitation, but I got a date tonight, see.

Yeah. Sure. I should have known better. I should have known

that a guy like you'd be all booked up ahead of time, social-wise.

Well, yeah, you know, like I said before, I got a lot of friends

and I'm very busy, you know.

Yeah. Well, maybe next time, huh?

Yeah.

- Thanks a lot, kid. - OK.

- Say... - Yeah?

- Excuse me, do you really have a TV? - 21-inch screen.

- There's great fights on tonight. - Well, I'll try and break my date.

- Tha�d be great if you could, kid. - But I'm not making any promises.

I don't like to break engagements.

- Yeah, well, if you can. - If I can.

I live at the Halifax Apartments. See you at seven?

- If I can. - Yeah, if you can.

How do you like your steaks?

Rare, when I get one.

- Hello. - I'm not gonna tell you again.

I know she's there. When I come over, I'm gonna give you a shot.

I know the girl's there. I happen to be engaged to her. Now, see, the...

And once I find out you've been bothering her,

believe me, I'm not gonna fool around.

I know the address. I'm coming over and...

Ask her to call Freddie...

Officer Damon's late.

He's on an assignment, Miss Henshaw.

I have many things to do. I'm not used to being kept waiting.

- Yeah? - Officer Damon is here.

Send him in.

- Your target has just arrived. - Good.

Good morning, Captain.

- You sent for me? - Yes.

This is Miss Martha Henshaw. Officer Damon.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Miss Henshaw represents the City Council.

I repeat, the City Council. She has been employed to...

Investigate the deplorable situation in this and other neighbourhoods

that are the breeding grounds for many local crimes.

Tha�s great. Tha�s wonderful. How can I fit in?

Officer Damon, you are to work hand in hand with Miss Henshaw.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

Look, you know I work alone. I can't have some dame...

- Some dame? - I got my own system.

Your system has been one long series of utter failures.

Tha�s in the past. From now on, I'm gonna get results.

Our City Council has grown weary of incompetence

and is convinced pampering hoodlums is a waste of the taxpayers' money.

You talk like a drunken first sergeant.

Do you want me to beat them silly?

Of course not. I abhor cruelty of any kind.

But I believe discipline will bring better results with these young hoodlums.

Boy, you mus�ve been a lot of laughs in a parked car.

Wha�d you say? Apologise to this lady. Now!

- I'm sorry. - This is an order.

You are to work with, not against, Miss Henshaw.

- Is that clear? - Yes, sir.

If you'll both excuse me,

I have some minor affairs concerning murder and robbery to look into.

Sit down, Officer Damon.

Sit down.

Yes, sir.

First of all, I'd like to meet a typical juvenile delinquent.

- OK. Go out and find yourself one. - Me?

- I thought you'd supply me with one. - No, honey. I got mine.

He's having dinner with me tonight.

Say, I got a fine idea. You go out and find your boy,

meet me at my place, we'll all sit around and bite each other.

Where do I start to look?

How about the 4-H Club?

Very well, Mr Damon, I shall find my delinquent.

It should be interesting seeing your methods compared to mine.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Meet me at my place about 7.00.

Or are you a little shaky about visiting a man's apartment, sarge?

Mr Damon, the man has not been created who frightens Martha Henshaw.

- Hey, who won the ball games today? - I don't know. Who cares?

Hey there.

What a way to go.

That reminds me of a beast I met in Cleveland.

Was this chick out! She invited me to her place.

Man, I didn't know what was gonna happen, so...

- Young man. - Yeah, baby?

I was wondering if you aren't busy tonight...

- Busy? Wha�s on your mind, baby? - Never mind.

I hope you're not as uncouth as your friend.

Me, uncouth? Not me, baby. Wha�s bugging you?

- As I said, if you're not busy... - I'm with you, chickie. Le�s swing.

Let me go.

Wha�s the matter, baby? Are you cracking up?

What a punchy broad that is.

Full of stifled emotions. Le�s get out of here.

- Hiya, Sidney. - Hi, Officer Casey.

- Need any help? - No, thanks, I'm doing fine.

- OK, kid. See you later. - Right. Nice seeing you, Officer.

Hey, Sidney.

Hi, fellas. How are you? Nice day, huh?

I mean, nice day for hanging around. What do you say we all hang around?

Sure been friendly with the cops lately.

No. Me? No. Cops, friends? No. I hate them, Monk.

You do? Then what was that fink cop doing visiting you this morning?

- Me? I don't remember. - What was he gassing you about?

- Him? No, he had the wrong room. - Wrong room?

You're lying.

- Don't ever hit me like that. - What are you gonna do about it?

- Nothing now. Thank you. - Let me have him.

You better learn to keep your fat mouth shut.

- You understand? - I understand.

Let him alone. He didn't do anything.

- Don't rough him up. - Nothing.

Hey, Sidney. I think I wanna give you a little gift.

- Really? What is it? - This.

- Go on. Take it. - But I don't...

- Keep it. I�s yours. - Thanks very much.

- Tha�s nice. - You keep it, kid, as a reminder.

When you get pally with your shamus friend, remember,

one of these days, I'm liable to ask for my gift back.

And you know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna give it to me, just so I can chop you up a touch.

- Isn't that nice, Sidney? - I�s very nice.

Le�s get out of here.

I'm flipping.

Stand back, baby, or you're gonna get some of this.

Stay away, baby, I'm flipping.

Back up, honey, you're pressing your luck.

You're gonna get one of these in your...

Back up, baby, I'm warning you, you'll get one of these.

Young man, I'm your friend.

- You are? - Please give me the knife.

- Wha�s your name? - Martha.

Yeah, in a second.

OK.

- Hiya, kid... - Good evening.

Well, the pride of the City Council. Come on in.

Do my colours clash?

- I was looking for your delinquent. - He'll be along soon.

- I see you showed up empty-handed. - Far from it.

I've found a perfect example of what delinquency represents.

- You brought your father. - Young man, you may enter.

I'm cutting and killing, killing and cutting, anything that gets in my way.

- Hello. - You two know each other?

- No. - No.

This is your example of typical juvenile delinquency?

Correct. A confused, unbalanced young man with only one thought in mind.

- Self-destruction. - Wanna help me with the salad?

- The dressing? - Oil and vinegar.

He came after me with a knife. Tried to kill me.

- Who, me, baby? - Sidney wouldn't even cut an orange,

- No. - Young man, you made a fool of me.

Who, me? I was just standing...

- He was trying to help. - Tha�s right.

And he's not really a delinquent. Are you?

You're a mean, horrible young man.

Calm down. Where's your sense of humour? We were just ribbing you.

I fail to see the humour of this.

You're right. There is no joke and Sidney does need help.

He was gonna be my guest here tonight.

I got a fine idea. Why don't we work together

and give him the helping hand he needs? What do you say, Martha?

I prefer to be referred to as Miss Henshaw.

Well, anything you say, Martha. Le�s help this boy out together.

I can assure you, Mr Damon, I'm capable of handling the situation alone.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right.

Come on, Sidney, sit down in the big chair.

After you, Miss Henshaw. You don't mind if I watch?

This feels like when they shrink your head. I should lie down.

That won't be necessary.

First I'd like to ask you a series of pertinent questions about your past.

- Yes, ma'am. - Tell me about your youth.

Your likes and, most important, your dislikes and hatreds.

- I never hated anybody. - You're lying.

- Well, I did hate Herman Zillman. - Why?

- 'Cause he spit on me. - Why?

- 'Cause I kicked him. - Why?

- 'Cause he spit on me. - You can't knock that.

- Did you hate school? - Only during summer.

- There's no school during summer. - You sure?

Don't ridicule me. If you don't want assistance...

- He wants your help. Don't you? - Yes, help me.

I can't offer him help under these conditions.

No. Wrong approach, Martha. Watch.

Sidney, just suppose that you had your choice

of being anything in the world. Now, what would you rather be?

- I don't know. - Make up your mind. Think.

I said, I don't know.

- Give it a thought. - A plumber, a mailman?

- No. - Mechanic? Engineer?

- Education? - Four years high school.

- I was talking to Sidney. - You were yelling at him.

- I can do without your criticism. - You can do with criticism.

- You're like a flamethrower. - Keep your comments to yourself.

- Don't yell at the boy. - Shut up, Sidney!

- I'm sick and tired of your attitude. - You are?

- Where are you going? - Wait.

- I'm going home. - Wait a minute.

- The two of you are making a fool of me. - Nobody's trying to...

I�s true. You're making a fool of me.

You two think I'm a freak or something. Or a guinea pig.

If I sit here long enough, you're gonna stick pins in me.

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

If you'll be good enough to excuse me, I'm going home.

- Wait a minute, Sid. - I'm going home.

Are you satisfied now, Miss Big Plans?

- One moment. - One moment, my foot.

You stick your pretty nose into something that you know nothing about.

- If you'll just... - Shut up!

How would you know how to handle him?

With your fat mink stoles and your back-to-back Chryslers.

That is me, ten years ago. I know what makes him tick and makes him sick.

You gotta eat dirt before you can analyse it, sweets,

and that quickly eliminates you.

Pick up your diploma and head back to Park Avenue.

If you've got any ideas about helping people, start in on your parents.

From the looks of you, they need help.

Captain Riley will be interested in this.

Good. Tell him anything you want!

Only, stay away from Sidney.

There's beer in the icebox.

I don't think you'd like it, though. I�s domestic.

I'll go my way

By myself

Like walking under a cloud

I'll go my way

By myself

All alone in a crowd

I'll try to apply myself

And teach my heart how to sing

I'll go my way by myself

Like a bird on the wing

I'll face the unknown

I'll build a world of my own

No one knows better

Than I myself

I'm by myself

Alone

Sidney, come up here instantly. We have work to do.

OK, Mr Crow, I'll be right there.

- I got it, Mr Crow. - Got what?

The model restroom for the frogs.

- Will those little frogs be happy! - What frogs?

The frogs that are going to the moon.

They're going into the spaceship, remember?

- What spaceship? - The spaceship.

We're building it here for when the world ends.

The frogs are gonna go to the moon in the spaceship...

They're gonna fly when no one takes... "What frogs"?

Sidney, you keep babbling about frogs and spaceships.

We're working on a cure for the common cold. Look.

At last, a "thinnening" cough drop.

Non-caloric, non-fattening and perfect for skin blemishes.

We'll be millionaires.

I thought we were... I don't feel very good.

You do look a little pale.

And you have been working all night, you know.

I just got here, Mr Crow.

You better go to your room, lie down, take a nap.

Later on, we'll work on my frog ship. It has to be finished quickly.

Yes, sir. Well, whatever you say, Mr Crow.

Good boy, Sidney. You are a hard worker.

And I couldn't be more pleased to make you rich.

Well, thank you very much, Mr Crow.

- Rich! - Yes, well...

If you don't mind, I'll go to my room and lie down

so that the spaceship will never have any expedience on the frogs.

Thank you... I'm sorry, Mr Crow. I almost knocked your glasses off.

Thank you.

Hi, Sidney.

Hello.

How've you been?

Just fine.

- I was wondering... - Yes, ma'am.

I was wondering...

...if you'd empty this for me.

Yeah, I'd be glad to.

Yes, Sidney?

- I just thought... - Yes?

- That is, I was... - Yes?

Would you like a new lining in this basket?

- I'd appreciate it very much. - OK.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi, Sidney.

Hello.

I've been sitting here waiting for you.

- I have nothing to talk to you about. - Wait a minute.

You got reasons to be sore, but not at me.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I had nothing to do with the way she acted.

Did you take me there to put me under glass?

I don't think you're a specimen, if tha�s what you mean.

But if you do mean did I bring you up there to help you, yeah.

Help me? You certainly didn't show it.

I can only help you if you wanna be helped.

You keep fighting me, we're gonna end up in a stalemate.

Me fighting you? Mike, you came to me. I didn't come to you, you know.

You're the guy tha�s telling me I'm gonna this and that and...

And you get me all mixed-up and all confused.

I don't know.

How does a guy know what he wants to be,

especially someone like me?

Well, kid, the... first thing is to find out what you are.

What am I?

Tha�s a very good question.

But the answer ain't very nice.

I'll tell you what I am.

I'm a nowhere... and tha�s the worst kind of something there is.

I could never, ever be anything I wanted to be.

'Cause when I tried to be bad, I was good.

When I tried to be good, I was stupid.

Even when I was a kid.

When I was a kid, I was dumb.

When I was a boy, I was jerky.

And now... I'm a man.

And I'm empty.

Well, that about adds it up.

Except for two very important things I know about myself.

One, I'm nothing.

Two, I sure would like to be something.

Sidney.

Kid, you name it and I'll help you be it.

- You promise? - I promise.

- OK, I know what I wanna be. - Yeah?

I wanna help other people.

Good, tha�s good thinking.

- I wanna be respected. - You will be.

- I wanna be a cop. - You wanna be a...?

- You wanna be a cop? - I wanna be a police officer like you.

Wait a minute, you can't be a... No, I mean...

You're not interested.

No, tha�s not what I meant.

No, you're like everybody else.

- You think I'm stupid. - No, I don't.

Well, let me tell you something, I'm gonna be something if it kills me.

Look, boy, I�s not easy being a cop.

What does it cost me to try?

The pay stinks. The hours are worse.

I�s a rough, tough, thankless job. You don't wanna be a cop.

Yes, I do.

OK, kid. I'm gonna make you a cop.

I'm gonna make you the best cop in this town.

- Honest to goodness? - Honest to goodness.

- Tha�s wonderful. Le�s get a badge. - No, wait a minute, boy.

- There's a few things we gotta do. - What?

- Enrol you in the police academy. - That sounds fun.

If you call weeks of back-breaking work and brain-busting examinations fun.

Don't worry about me. I can do anything I have to do or want to do.

How do I get into this here academy?

Well, first you gotta be recommended by a police officer.

- That would be you? - Yeah, me.

And wha�s the next step?

The recommendation has to be okayed by the captain.

That would be Captain Riley.

- He likes you, doesn't he? - He's crazy about me.

- Yeah, especially now. - What have we got to worry about?

Sidney Pythias a police officer? Are you out of your mind?

- But, Captain... - Be quiet.

- This half-baked, dim-witted... - He's not half-baked and dim-witted.

- He's just a little shy. - Shy?

He ought to have his own revolving door.

No use arguing with you after what that Henshaw dame told you.

If it wasn't for that Henshaw dame, and your stupid suggestion,

I'd hit you over the head with that inkstand.

- What are you talking about? - Martha Henshaw just left here.

She told me that, in her opinion,

you were best qualified to handle delinquents like Sidney.

- She said she wouldn't interfere. - Yeah?

- She said that? - Yeah.

Well, what do you know.

But as far as making Sidney Pythias a police officer,

tha�s pushing things a little too hard.

Captain, I promise you he can do it.

And I promise you that in 24 hours

the police academy will be burned to the ground.

No, I won't okay it.

- Is that final, sir? - Tha�s final.

Yes, sir.

Final.

- Mike. - Yes, sir?

- Do you really think...? - Captain, he's honest, he's got guts.

He's a decent human being.

Captain...

Captain, I'm begging you.

All right. I'll okay it.

But get this. He's your responsibility. First, last and always.

- If anything goes wrong... - Nothing will go wrong,

I promise you. Nothing, I promise.

Nothing.

Gentlemen, we're in trouble.

Terrible, terrible trouble.

- Do you understand? - I understand that.

- OK, wha�s next? - Well, this here.

- Wha�s that? - Your application for the academy.

- Wha�s it say? - Lots of questions.

- For example? - You have to repeat everything?

- No, no. - Now, le�s get down to...

How about that Martha Henshaw turning out to be a right chick?

- Terrific. - You can't knock her.

She's honest and pretty, beautiful, intelligent. Lovely girl.

She could really have fouled me up with Captain Riley.

- But she made me a big man. - Tha�s really terrific.

- Yes, sir! - Now, the appli...

Hey, you sort of like her, huh?

- Fair. - Fair. Yeah, well.

I think you like her a lot. I think tha�s all you got on your mind.

The only thing I got on my mind is trying to get you into the police academy.

- Martha, le�s fill this out. - Whatever you say, Harriet.

I was talking to Hilda on the phone and she said there was no chance...

Le�s get to the application, then.

Le�s get to these requirements. You're an American citizen, right?

21 years of age or over, right?

Sound of body? Right. Sound of mind?

Could we go back to that question a little later? I'd like to check on it.

- Here's one. - Where?

They prefer that you speak a foreign language.

- Why? - Suppose you were put on duty

where they only spoke a foreign language.

You mean like Brooklyn? That makes sense. I can speak Mongolian.

- Yeah? - You wanna hear?

- You're kidding. - Would I lie to you?

But you've gotta speak a normal foreign language.

In high school, I took four years of French. You wanna hear some?

No.

All right, we're wasting time. We've got things to do.

- Wha�s this? - This is part of your entrance exam.

I borrowed it from the police academy for you.

- Well, wha�s it do? - Well, here.

- There we go. - I know what that is.

- What is it? - I don't know.

I�s a test designed to test your reactions.

You take out all these little blocks, mix them up all real good, see?

In a given length of time, you put the octagonal in the octagonal hole,

the round one in the round hole.

- Simple. - You did very well.

- Thank you. - OK, wha�s next?

No. I want you to work the blocks.

- Wait a minute, tha�s for kids. - Come on, try it.

- No, but I... - Please.

- But I... - Now!

OK. I feel silly, because kids do this.

- And I�s so simple. - Out.

- All of them? - Yeah. All of them.

- All right, now...? - All right.

- Now! - OK.

How much time have I got to do this? Here, I'll put this...

They don't fit good like when yours... was.

You mustn't get mad, though, when... They don't fit as good.

Well, the kids I saw were larger kids, maybe.

You can just throw it right in it.

How did yours fit in so nice when you...?

I�s hard to do this part.

It don't work good with me.

This... Maybe...

You get awfully frustrated when they don't...

Maybe the kids were using different kinds of blocks.

I hurt it a little.

Well, how was the time?

I mean, I threw one away when I was... And I...

You see...

What if I didn't...? You can't close the box?

But I mean, it fell into place like...

How was it, then?

Le�s get this application filled out.

- Come in. - Anybody home?

- Look who's here. - Hello, Sidney.

- Hello, Miss Henshaw. Just a minute. - Thank you.

- Hello. - Hi!

- I mean, how are you? - Just fine.

I stopped by to apologise. I acted quite childish.

No, I�s me who should apologise. I talked with Captain Riley and...

I mean, thanks for those kind words.

Well, I know you boys are busy.

- No, we're not! - Yes, we are.

I'm rehearsing because I'm going into the police academy.

Captain Riley told me. Good luck, Sidney. I know you'll pass.

- Well, I do have a date. I should be... - Can't you stick around a while?

How can she? I gotta learn about the application and putting the blocks.

You gotta teach me. Although I know it, so you don't have to teach me nothing.

Why don't you take Miss Henshaw home and I'll work on this?

That won't be necessary. I can take a cab.

- No, I insist! - He insists.

Yeah. Come on.

Excuse me a minute. Sidney, I want you to study this application.

Fill out the questions. I'll check with you when I get off work.

- Listen. You don't like her at all, right? - No.

- Goodbye, Sidney. - Goodbye, Miss Henshaw.

Bye, kid.

I'll lick you yet! This goes here whether he likes it or not and that fits there.

But it don't fit, so I won't do that. I'll put this one here and that one there.

Good morning, Officer.

Good evening, Officer.

How do you do, Officer?

All right, hold it there.

Come along, children.

Hold it. Good morning, honey.

Good afternoon, madam.

Can I help you with your car?

- Sidney! - Just a minute.

One second.

Sidney!

- Hello. - What are you doing?

- I'm playing a game. - Forget it.

- The lights and the dumb waiter? - I fixed the dumb waiter.

- You fixed it? It don't work! - I don't understand.

I'll show you. I don't understand, because I worked hard on this thing.

I worked and worked to make sure that it was...

- So you fixed it? - I thought...

- Get out of there! I'll fix it myself. - Be careful of your head.

- Get me a flashlight! - But...

- Shut up! Get me a flashlight! - I will. I really don't understand this.

Be careful you don't hurt yourself. Your place can get... from in there.

Sidney!

Hello.

I said hello. I think.

- Goodbye. - Sidney.

Yeah?

- Sidney, am I unattractive? - No, ma'am.

Am I old, decrepit, witchlike?

- No. - Then why do you ignore me?

I'm 21 years old and whether you know it or not,

in demand by young men who would love to take me out.

I know that. I know you're in constant demand. I know a lot about you.

You're 21, you were born in Albany, you're studying to be a nurse.

You're young, pretty, in demand with fellas and you smell nice.

Well, why in the world...?

Because I'm nothing. You don't deserve that.

Wait till I�s something. When I'm something, I'll talk to you.

I don't think you should be with nothing.

I'll be something. Until then, no hugging.

Or kissing and things, with smelling nice.

I'll be somebody and then I�ll be right.

But I'm not now, so I�s no good at all to be with you.

When I'm somebody, and I�ll be sooner than you

and a lot of people think, I'll be something, then I'll talk to you.

I'll empty your wastebasket.

You smell nice.

Dropped a few of those things.

- Is this it? - This is it, kid.

Mike, I'm gonna pass my entrance examinations with flying colours.

You can do it, kid. You can do it as well as anybody else, Sidney.

- You're gonna be a police officer. - I'm going home.

- You stay here. - I'm scared.

After you pass your examinations, you're over the first hurdle.

I'm still scared. Maybe you could help me.

Tha�s another thing. Remember, I'm a police officer.

As far as you're concerned, I've gotta take an unbiased attitude.

But after work at night, I'll help you out a little.

- Good. Thanks. - Good luck, kid.

- Thank you. - Goodbye.

- Next. - Yes, sir.

- Name? - William C Goerner.

Goerner. Your temporary serial number is 016439712. You got that?

Yes, sir. My temporary serial number is 016439712.

Fill out this entrance examination, answering all required questions.

Then proceed to be graded, third floor, room 305, by Sergeant Rose,

after which report to section nine,

personal analysis, B Unit, Sergeant Brown. Is that clear?

I fill out the examination, answering all required questions.

I then proceed to be graded, third floor, Room 305, Sergeant Rose.

I then report to section nine, personal analysis, Unit B, Sergeant Brown.

Right. Next.

- Yes, sir. - Name?

Pythias. Sidney L. Pythias.

Peentakiss.

No, sir, I beg your pardon, tha�s Pythias. P-Y-T-H-I-A-S.

- Tha�s what I said. Pinktinius. - No, there's no pink.

I�s a Pyth. P-Y-T-H-I-A-S is Pythias. There's no pink in it.

- Puntangginius, your temporary... - Where'd you get Puntangginius?

There's no puntang in it. There's no pink, not even...

I�s plain Pyth. P-Y-T-H-I-A-S, Pythias.

Your temporary serial number is 016439713.

- You got that? - No puntang.

You said Puntanggini. Just a second, please excuse me.

I�s not Puntanahah, I�s Pythias... Excuse me.

I�s Pyth... P-Y-T-H-I-A-S.

- I�s Pythias. - I am not interested in your name.

Did you get that serial number?

My serial number? Yeah, 0 and 2 was there...

- Was...? - Never mind.

- I�s written on the application. - So I don't need it.

All right, you're section five, so you'll go to Room 619, sixth floor, Unit B

and ask for Sergeant Mizakowski.

He'll give you an AMR number and assign you. You got that?

Yes, sir. I go up to the floor and I�s Room 69.

And there's a Sergeant Misan, and he'll give me an A and P number.

Six-nineteen. Room...

- Now you got me mixed up. - 619. I got it now.

- I�s Mizakowski. - Sergeant Mizandhidin.

Sergeant Mizakowski.

Pythias. P-Y-T-H-I-A-S is my name.

I thought I was Mizankouzin. See?

- Listen to me, mister. - Yes, sir.

- Just get up there. - Where, sir?

Anywhere. I don't care, ad-lib it, do anything, but get out of here!

Yes, I will. Do I get my papers?

Mizanhausen is on the sixth place with the 19th... Very difficult.

- Next. - Yes, sir.

- Name? - Mizakowski. Chester A. Mizakowski.

How would you like a punch in the mouth?

Say, is this where they told me?

They said to come to the room.

This here?

Are you Sergeant Mizenkozen?

This is your first step in the examination and you've got 30 seconds to do it.

The box. This is the box with the squares,

the rectangulars and octagoganals. I worked with that.

This is a snap, 30 seconds to do. I�s a different box.

Left hut!

Right face!

Parade front!

Left face!

One step forward! March!

Left face!

Forward march!

Hut, hut.

Rear march!

Rear march!

Rear march!

Rear march!

Halt!

First of all, be sure the ink is distributed thinly and evenly on the glass plate.

Then taking the hand, firmly take the thumb, or whatever finger you'd use,

roll it on the glass plate from left to right.

Transfer in the same manner to the record.

Now, we'll try it with you first.

- All right? You'd rather have this hand? - I'm nervous.

It makes no difference. The chart has for both hands.

Now, just relax. Tha�s it.

- I never been fingerprinted before. - Doesn't hurt.

Just relax. Now, we'll put it right here...

- I'm sorry, but I'm nervous. - I said to relax.

- I will. - Just relax your hand. All right, now.

- Relax your hand. - I'm trying, but I'm nervous.

I'll tell you what. We will ink the tips of the four fingers

and transfer them in the same manner. All right? Now, relax. Tha�s it.

Well, I�s just that I was nervous.

Don't get mad. I was just gonna say that I'm nervous.

I didn't mean... What I meant to say was that because of this...

- Wipe it off. - Wipe it off?

Well, I'm awfully sorry, sir, but I'm nervous.

A little will help it, I think.

- Wipe it off. - Yes, sir. I'm awfully sorry about...

Maybe I got a different rag to get it.

Today we're covering an important facet of police work. Self-defence.

We're very fortunate today in having with us the Great Togo.

He has graciously consented to give us a demonstration

in the art of sumo wrestling.

How do you do, Mr Togo?

How would you like to proceed?

He would like to pick an opponent.

Fine. Come on in. Here are the boys.

He prefers this young man.

I don't wanna tell Mr Togo his business here,

but you'd better tell him that I'd better wrestle him.

He still prefers this man to wrestle with.

Well, Excuse... I mean...

Would you be good enough to ask him for me, please, why he wants me?

- What did he say? - Because you look Japanese.

Because I look Japanese.

Oh, well...

- If tha�s the way you want it. - No, wait a minute.

I�s all right. He could have chosen anyone,

but he picked me and tha�s fine, except I don't think I�s fair.

- No, I don't think I�s fair either. - No, I'm taller and he can get hurt.

All right, men! Disperse around the edge of the mat. Sit down.

Mr Terry. All right. Now, then, Mr Terry, how do we begin?

Assume the first position.

He told me to take this place.

Go!

- Now what? - Approach the opponent.

Oh, wait a second. What a scare job!

Hey, wait one second, please.

Don't hurt me. I mean, le�s talk a little.

What? Wait. Friday, if I can get the car, all right?

- What did he say? - He says, "Don't be afraid!"

I guess I�s silly. Wha�s there to be... afraid of?

Wait a second. Don't you help me.

There's plenty to be afraid of. Wait.

The "inferityority" complex with the smoking, I think, is what did it.

Sure, you're short, but don't take it out on me. Wait a second!

I can be tough and rough, too. Don't go with scaring me. I can scare a little, too.

Wait! Wait a minute.

I don't need this. With pain, with hurting, with killing and hurts.

I shouldn't have volunteered in the first place. No!

Judo. Tha�s good. Tha�s very... Tha�s good judo.

He's got me now!

But try one of these! I got him. He's a little heavy, but I think I got him.

Look at this, he'll never get...

I don't wanna do nothing no more. Don't fight me.

Pick somebody else. Don't do nothing, I�s not gonna...

I think I'm immune, 'cause you hit...

I�s nothing, you see, I think you can hit me...

- Are you serious? - No, I'm kidding.

- OK? - Yeah.

- You feel better now? - Tha�s fine.

- Mike? - Here.

- Wow, he was a fat one, wasn't he? - He was.

You shouldn't do that. You can get yourself killed.

I had to do it. I knew I was goofing in some of my classes.

I didn't want the other guys to think I was scared.

Don't worry about the other guys! You're doing fine. Keep it up.

- Am I really? - Yeah!

I gotta go. My class for principles of local government. See you.

All right, boy. Goodbye.

Hi, Johnny.

- Hello, Mike. Wasn't that Pythias? - Yeah.

Say, how's he doing?

Fair. We might have to wash him out.

No, Johnny, you gotta do me a favour. He's gotta get every possible break.

We know how you feel about him...

Please, Johnny! If I�s possible, we've gotta get him through.

If he isn't police officer material, he'll fail.

We can't show any favouritism, you know that.

The next phase will make or break him.

Tomorrow night, he goes on police patrol with a proven police officer.

If he gets by that, he should make it.

Yeah. Thanks.

Have something to eat, Mike. I�s delicious.

I'm not very hungry, thanks.

Sidney trouble?

I hate to seem impatient with you, but a girl can get bored,

having her evenings spoiled by the ghost of Sidney.

- Don't start that again. - I'm afraid I have to start it again.

Unfortunately, I'm an important part of this whole situation.

I like you, Mike. Very much.

- I think you like me. - You know I do.

I've got enough ego to wish I were as important in your thoughts as Sidney.

- Am I, Mike? - What are you trying to do, Martha?

Box me into a corner? You know how much that kid means to me.

Yes, I do. Now I wanna know how much I mean to you.

OK. I'm not gonna play games with you.

I like you very much.

I like you more than any other woman I've ever known.

But I think we better get something understood right now.

You take me, you take the kid. And tha�s only the beginning.

There'll be other Sidneys, hundreds of them.

Kids that need help. They'll always be an important part of my life.

- I see. I'm sort of third in this league. - I didn't say that.

You don't think you did, but I�s third place, barely in the money.

I'm sorry, but I've got to be a winner. Or at least share first position.

- Mike? - Yeah?

I wanted you to call me back.

Would you also want me to lie to you?

No. I wouldn't.

- Yeah. - This is me, Sidney.

Excuse me, I know that you're over there with Martha.

But I'm just working on my examinations

and I'm not doing so good. Could you help me?

Sure, kid, come right on over.

I can come over? Well, thanks a lot.

- You're sure Martha won't care? - No, Sidney.

OK. I'll be right over, Mike. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Where you going, Sidney?

I'm going somewhere.

- I said I have to go somewhere. - You're sure busy lately, kid.

What with police school and stuff.

Forgetting all about your old friends, Sidney.

- What do you guys want? - We don't want nothing, Sidney.

We're just trying to be sociable.

Thought we'd see how you're doing at the police academy.

Gonna be a cop, huh, Sidney?

Yeah, I'm gonna be a cop. If they'll have me.

What a snap for guys like us if they load the force with goofs like you.

You're really going ahead with this thing, kid?

- Yes, I'm going ahead with it. - You gotta be nuts.

Wha�s the matter, you wanna be legit?

Yeah. Wha�s so strange about that?

Don't you know every cop's a sucker? He's a chump.

He don't make enough to buy cigarettes.

And he's a patsy, a 14-carat patsy for every sharpie in town.

- Is that so? - Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something, Mr Smart Alec.

A police officer happens to have the respect of decent people,

which eliminates you and your friends, Monk.

Let him alone!

Come on, Artie. Let him alone. Get out of here!

Maybe I got you figured all wrong.

- Maybe you're smarter than I figured. - How do you mean?

The angle.

- What angle? - Well, yours.

You gotta have one. Look, Sidney, nobody does nothing without an angle.

Let me in on it, maybe I can make it easier for you.

- You're crazy, Monk. - I'm what?

You gotta be nutty, 'cause you figure that the whole world is built sideways

and everybody's looking to put a finger on everybody else.

- That don't add up? - No, that don't.

All right, fat mouth, why don't you show me where I'm wrong?

Maybe you're perfect? A janitor making 60 stinking bucks a month

to wrestle garbage people throw at you.

The same people that laugh at you, spit at you!

You're a fine one to tell me that there's a shining light somewhere!

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna...

You're gonna wind up like me, kicking and scratching every inch of the way!

Look, Sidney, wise up.

There ain't no short cuts. Man, you gotta draw blood!

Well, you're wrong, Monk.

You're all wrong, see?

'Cause nobody's gotta get hurt.

See, I used to be like you, Monk, and I got lucky.

I found out I was wrong. That nobody's looking to break your back.

There's an awful lot of nice people in this world, Monk,

and I just wanna be one of them.

Yeah.

Well, you listen to me, Sidney, and you listen hard.

You ain't got a chance.

Because guys like you and me are born losers

and we gotta come up empty.

There ain't no other way.

But I got a clue for you.

Before I go under, I'm gonna make a lot of noise.

Monk, why didn't you let me belt that jerk?

- Wha�d you stop me for? - I got confused.

- Confused? - Yeah.

He made sense. Le�s get out of here.

This phase in your training is probably the most important one.

A chance for you to prove how you'll function under typical circumstances.

Each one of you cadets will be paired off with a police officer,

who will judge you on your performance.

You've now had 12 full weeks of police training,

but should an emergency arise, you're to make no decisions on your own.

But you're to look to him for whatever solution is necessary.

And remember this, you're under arms.

Don't touch that gun unless you intend to shoot somebody.

And if you do, you'd better have a sound reason.

Dismissed.

Mike, I'm all excited. I wonder what part of town we'll get.

Well, I�ll look familiar to you, kid. I�s your neighbourhood.

- Good evening, sir. - Hello, Officer.

- Hi, Officer. - Good evening, ma'am.

- Nice night. - Get out of here!

It happens. It is a nice evening, though, isn't it?

- Nice and quiet. - A day without trouble is a plus.

- I was looking forward to a little action. - Yeah?

Come on, we'd better go.

She's gonna have a baby! Take her to the hospital. Mama.

Where's the telephone? I'll call the ambulance. The telephone.

Where you going? You stay here!

- Me? - Yeah, you!

- What if the baby...? - Relax. She's got plenty of time.

Lady, don't do nothing.

I mean, ma'am, they went to get a hospital

to come here to take you to the ambulance. So, relax.

Well, just take it easy, ma'am.

Don't do nothing now.

Could you wait just a few minutes?

How long does it take to make a phone call, lady?

You see, because... What is it?

Wait, please. Just do me a favour, would you?

Personal. Wait, because... They'll be right back.

Take your mind off it for a second, lady.

If you took your mind off it, you'll feel better.

Like I play baseball. You like baseball?

Once, I was playing baseball... Listen to this.

Please wait! They'll be back...

Oh, lady. Lady, wait!

Please, lady, wait! I'm highly emotional. Wait!

Wha�s the matter? Does it take an hour to get here?

Come on.

Here, boys. Ma'am, is...?

Sidney, wh...?

Look, Mike, I�s a boy baby!

And she wants to name him Sidney! Ain't that nice?

It sure is.

Car 119. Go to 16th Street alley entrance. Illegal entry.

- Isn't that us? - Here's the action you asked for.

- May be real trouble this time. - Yeah, it could be, kid.

Easy, boy, easy! I�s only a flesh wound.

Who in the devil shot him? That wasn't necessary.

You didn't have to shoot me.

- You didn't have to shoot me. - Take it easy, son.

Call an ambulance.

- Let me have your gun. - Yes, sir.

Yours.

All right, Carl. Let me see yours.

- Where is it? - I don't know, sir. I had...

- That it? - Yes, sir.

You've got some explaining to do.

- Wait a minute. - He did it, sarge.

- He shot me, I saw him! - That ain't true. You're lying, Artie!

I ain't lying! You shot me, copper!

I didn't, Mike. I didn't. He's lying.

Honest. I didn't do it.

- He assigned to you? - Yes, sir.

Take him to Captain Riley. Carl, stay with this boy till the ambulance comes.

You, come with me.

Artie, tell them I didn't shoot you.

Yes, you did. You shot me, copper.

- You're lying, Artie. - I ain't lying.

- Artie, you're lying. - I ain't lying. You shot me!

Sidney...

You're a loser, Sidney!

- Hello, Mike. - Yeah.

- I heard about Sidney. - You should feel real good.

- He's in bad trouble. - I feel just delighted, Mike.

I came to volunteer my services as his attorney.

- I'm sorry. - All I want from you

are the facts on what happened last night.

OK. Fact number one. It was an accident.

- Yes. - Fact number two.

I can't let that kid ruin his life.

- But if he shot the boy... - He didn't. I did.

- You? - The boys were involved in a heist.

They were coming down the stairs, we came in the alley. We met...

- You're not listening. - You're lying.

You're a liar, Mike Damon. A wonderfully loyal liar.

- Captain Riley, what happened? - The boy identified Sidney.

- We're going to have to book him. - Captain Riley...

Captain, Sidney did not shoot that boy.

Tha�s what Sidney and you say. OK, I'll play along. Who did?

Nobody did.

I saw his gun fall out of his holster, and I ran over and picked it up.

You won't buy this, but all I wanted to do was steal it.

I�s worth about 20 bucks, you know.

Some guy belted me and the gun flew out of my hand and landed on the street.

Went off and tha�s how Artie got hit. Don't ask me why I came here.

I ain't bright enough to answer that. Except...

I'm a stupe, but that ain't no reason

for Sidney not to climb out of the garbage I'm buried in.

- He didn't shoot him. - Artie said...

Artie's lying. Give me 30 seconds with him and I'll prove it to you.

- Gee, thanks a lot, Monk. - Don't thank me.

Any time you're ready, I'll talk with Artie and sign a statement.

Fine, Monk.

Captain Riley, sir.

Captain, I was wondering about Sidney's progress report.

Will this have any effect on it?

Are you asking if I'm recommending his appointment as a police officer?

Yes, I'm recommending him!

I think you'll make a fine officer.

Thank you, Captain Riley, sir!

- Congratulations, boy! - Thank you for all your help.

- It was my pleasure. - I better call Patricia. She's waiting.

Thank you, Miss Henshaw. I know why you came down and I appreciate it.

- You're welcome, and good luck. - Thank you, Miss Henshaw.

Mike, Monk's not gonna be in big trouble, is he?

No. I think everything will be all right.

- Good! OK. Goodbye. - Goodbye, Sidney.

Is that a boy?

Sidney, you look wonderful.

Tall and handsome and...

- Respected? - Respected.

- I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

Well, I have to go to work. Would you sit here?

- Yes, sir. - Right here.

Well, gentlemen, I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here.

Well, le�s put it this way.

Your problems... are my problems.

Artie, tell me something about yourself.

What are you and what do you wanna be?