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A thief!

You rascal! Are you trying to steal?

Officer! A robbery! [GUNSHOTS]

Can't you see I'm working?

I got you now!

I'll break your arm!

Nobody has ever stolen anything, here.

Sir! You dropped this.

- It's yours, right? Goodbye. > A robbery!

Officer, shoot! Not her, shoot at the car!

- What? - Shoot! - That one?

Yes, at the car.

I missed it.

- Shoot! - Again?

- Dalmazio Siraghi? - Yes. - Your uncle Aliprando wants to see you.

Who is he?

Easy! Damn you.

Easy!

You sons of bitches!

Don't pull!

Calm down! I always wait for you when you piss.

When I piss, you create a ruckus!

Excuse me

- Yes? - I'm blind.

- I see. - I need to go to the toilet.

Could you help me?

- What do you mean? - Could you watch my dog?

A guy from Barletta, he had no arms, he once asked me to, you know...

Get it? ... Don't worry, I'll watch your dog. You can blindly trust me.

I'm sorry.

Watch the step.

There's another one.

I'll give you your dog.

- Here. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

Easy.

Those are proper dogs, not like you lot... Crap!

Mr. Blind! Mr. Blind!

Are you also deaf? There's been a mix-up...

Easy! There's only bread and tomatoes today.

Damn.

Stay calm, I'm not sharing!

- Siraghi Amalio! Oh my lord! The blind man had to go to the toilet...

...he asked me to watch the dog... - Your uncle wants to see you.

My uncle?

Easy! Which uncle is this? Aliprando Siraghi.

He must be from mom's side.

But I don't have any uncles! Who's this guy? Aliprando...

You bastard! You all do it on purpose! Go fetch it then!

- Do you have lighters? - Shop opens at 8. Sorry.

Fuck you!

You won't pay if I get fined, would you? Competition is fierce, here!

[ALARM RINGS] Goddammit.

There you go. Please come again. This is my turf.

I paid the concession. This is my turf. Thank you.

Goodbye!

Thank you!

- The competition! - Come on, boys! - No!

This is our turf, we paid the concession fee.

Do you ever go to school? Illegals!

Mine!

It's full of mosquitoes.

Tissues, ice creams, sandwiches, lighters, lucky horns!

1000 lire, please!

- Egisto Siraghi? - Yes. - Your uncle wants to see you.

- I don't have any uncles! - Your uncle Aliprando.

Aliprando? Let me see.

"Aliprando Siraghi, Honorary Prince of Labour". No!

Slow down!

"Truffle guy"! Stop the car or I'll die!

- Would you like to see this? - Thank you.

- Siraghi! - Here! - Here I am.

Your uncle is waiting for you. Follow me.

After you.

- He said "your uncle". - The surname is Siraghi.

- I'm Egisto Siraghi

- I'm Dalmazio Siraghi. - I'm Amalio Siraghi.

So we're related!

Your mom owns that greengrocer shop...

... In Milan, Via Torino? - No, in Via Procaccini. - Yes.

- You mom was from Mola Di Bari. - Yes. She was a maid in Barletta.

May we... ?

Hello? Good morning.

Please.

Please, be seated.

Sit down.

Quick!

Egisto, Amalio, Dalmazio... My dear nephews!

We haven't met before, but you three are my only descendents.

Three poor excuses of a man, three derelict wretches...

... hopelessly condemned to eternal poverty.

But I, your uncle Aliprando...

... will make you rich, like me. Look around.

What you see is the fruit of years of hard work,

which I can't keep on doing, due to unfortunate circumstances.

So I decided to employ you as business partners. Happy?

- Well... yes. - But what should we do?

Because we don't...

- Pardon? - Stealing.

- Taking stuff away? - You think you can get rich...

...by staying honest? Are you honest? - I am, they...

- Are you rich? - No. Really, I...

And you have no hope of ever being rich. I'll teach you the best job in the world...

... it can yield big, tax-free profits without any risk.

Excuse me, I'm familiar with it. I'm a security guard.

I'm sorry, Uncle, but I think there are risks to this job.

No! Because you're not born a thief. You become one.

With method, dedication, and professionalism.

So I decided I would teach you the tricks of the trade. Agreed?

We would agree, but... [CONFUSED VOICES]

Please, speak one at a time.

(barese dialect) We were thinking, honestly speaking...

Should I translate what he just said?

In Italian. And clearly spoken.

You have to CLEARLYSPOKE.

So... dear uncle, clearly speaking,

I think we all agree. - Good!

But when are we supposed to begin...

...this.... this job?

After an adequate training period, of course. Nero!

You have a month to turn these three human carcasses...

... into perfect crime professionals!

Agile, quick, brave, efficient! Three true thieves!

That's the window for the apartment you need to rob.

You need to use grappling hooks. Let's start with...

Take a step forward to volunteer.

Good! Come on!

Go, Egisto!

I can't stop! Stop me!

> It hurts!

I did it!

Next test is climbing down a rope from a window.

Take a step forward to volunteer.

- Over there! - Where?

Good! But he always volunteers.

They do it on purpose! I go here and they...

Come on, Amalio! Remember, climb down very slowly.

- Slowly? - Yes

I said slowly!

How are you doing?

You were in my... trajectory...

I'll move. I'm sorry! Please be.. I'm sorry.

I threw it... it disappeared. Boom! You see?

I'm not that familiar with it.

I'm going.

Again?

All right. Throw!

You were there... I'm sorry. Please be patient.

I'm throwing it, then.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Who is it?

So, Egisto...

- You're connected to 800 Volts. - Why?

For your public transportation pick-pocketing test.

Any contact with a sensitive spot on the mannequin...

... will cause an electric discharge. Look.

- Are you mad? - Brace yourself!

It's the usual daily grind!

Look! I did it!

Well done, Egisto! You've got a velvet hand!

Hold on tighter to your wallet next time!

Amalio, are you ready for the interrogation test?

Yes.

You did a hit with Giovanni.

- Who's Giovanni? I don't know him. - It's a made up name, we're simulating.

- Oh! simulating!

The police caught you and you're being interrogated

- While simulating, right? - Yes. I'll be the police.

You must not name Giovanni, whatever I do to you.

Hey! Let's level with each other here.

Let's look at each other's face. What does it mean?

You have this physique... they say that people of color...

- I wouldn't want... - Speak, you bastard! Who do you work with?

No!

Who was there with you?

Who was there with you?

Well done. Congratulations.

- You've resisted. - You almost killed me!

I would have never named Giovanni.

You fell for it!

I make bastards like you spit out their teeth!

Take the rifle!

Load! Aim!

Fire!

Quick! Hide everything.

- Mine, mine! - Mine, mine, mine!

Careful with the plane now. Fire!

My dear boys, you passed all the tests.

I am proud to inform you,

that starting today, you are certified thieves.

And thus, my business partners! Congratulations! Well done!

Thank you, uncle. We need to talk about a delicate topic.

- We... - You're right, the money.

We'll deposit the proceedings from our burglaries in a shared account...

... and we'll split it equally at the end of the year.

Excuse me, uncle. We are four people, so you mean 25% each?

No, I said equally. 50% to me...

... and the other 50% split among you three.

- I'm sorry, but... you're a THIE-- - Excuse me?

He meant to say that we don't know how much we'll make from this job.

That depends on you. If you apply method and determination...

... we could reach a yearly revenue of 5 billion.

Well...

Five billions? When do we start?

Tonight. Let's synchronize our watches.

- What time do you have? - 9:40 - 10:20 - Mine's dead.

I'll set up the alarm, in case of thieves.

Who's got the keys?

[POLICE SIREN]

Our tip was right, they're robbing the shop.

What the fuck, why always me? This is a mannequin too!

- I'm not a mannequin! - This one, too. Let's surrender!

Hands up!

> See you soon. - And your sister!

- Thank you for the inhumane treatment. - How much money do we have?

Only 10,000 lire.

Where do we go?

Oh my god, it's Uncle!

- He's pissed off. - Of course he is. What will you do?

We need to face the situation with dignity. Come on.

We did nothing wrong! It's his fault!

There must have been a son of a bitch that snitched on us.

- If I see him, I'm gonna f-- - It was me, my dears.

Prison time hardens you. It forges, it tempers you.

It's a necessary experience, just showing you how hard it is.

In the future, you'll do whatever you can to avoid it.

[CONFUSED VOICES]

Please! One at a time!

Just one of you speak, please. But clearly.

- Uncle! - Aliprando! FUCK YOU!

Truffle guy, pull over! Stop! Let us out.

Stop here. Let's get off, boys. My van is near by.

- We'll need it to get on from now. - Don't be like that!

Let's go.

What happened, boys? Did you get offended?

Get back in the car.

I'll bring you to your dear uncle's house, let's go!

We decided we want to make an honest living.

Your criminal record is tainted now.

- No! - No! - No!

Go, Nero.

Welcome back, my dears!

I was certain you would be back, I was waiting for you.

Now get some dinner, go rest, and we'll start again tomorrow.

A psychological trait you can exploit is fear of death.

It's an infallible leverage. It will give you great results.

I'm a scrupulous reader of the news,

and I found out that a rich farmer from Caserta...

... has been admitted at the Salus clinic for a routine operation.

- Do you want to confess, son, before...? - Before what?

Before going to heaven. Death comes and takes you away.

Death?

[WHISPERS IN FAKE LATIN]

[WHISPERS] What?

- Lucky you, son, you're leaving us. - I'm leaving?

[WHISPERS IN FAKE LATIN]

Bye.

Nurse! Nurse!

Sister, what is happening?

I came for an appendicitis and now they give me my last rites!

- I'm so sorry, but the tests... - What do they say?

Two hours.

Oh, my Lord! Isn't there a cure? I want to live!

Come to think of it, there is a remedy.

We need to call Dr. Amalio Siraghi.

Let's call him!

The doctor is very busy. I know he's away now...

...fox hunting. Plus, you'd need 40...

- What? - 40 millions.

All right, I will pay. I have my bank account.

In that case, the situation changes from this...

...to this.

I can never manage to finish a fox hunt!

You all did this when I was in Paris, and also that time in Nottingham!

- Please Doctor, save me! - Here. Clinical record, please.

Ahi, Ahi, Ahi!

We need to hurry. Anesthesia.

May God help you.

- He's a pessimist. - I'm in your hands...

- Just a little injection... - Don't put me in too much pain. - Ready?

Hey!

- How long is the operation? - Six hours.

He's not waking up!

Don't exaggerate.

- Miracle! - The doctor has done a miracle!

Six hours under the blade!

Do you feel better, son?

I'm fine, just a little headache.

It's because of... anesthesia. It's a new drug.

- You were born lucky. - It's true.

- The check. - What?

- The check! - Yes, in the drawer.

- Who do I write it to? - Blank. - Blank!

- Praised be Jesus Christ. - Today and forever.

- Here, Doctor. - Thank you.

- How much did you agree upon? - Well... 40.

You know my fee is 80 millions! But that's all right.

- Doctor! - What is it?

- I don't know how to thank you. - Me neither. You jolly old chap!

What's going on?

We're taking you to the operation room.

Again?!

[INAUDIBLE VOICE]

This is the pris-- The premises for sale.

[Regina Coeli Prison in Rome] What's your name? Mister...

- Parson Robert Junior. - Fuck... Junior.

Do you see those grilles in front of the windows?

"Windows." They're for security.

I spent 1,750,000 dollars to have them.

It's important.

Security... you Americans are fairly messed up right now, as we are.

- Burglars won't get in. - No, the burglars are already...

If they're about to go in, they will be able to...

... but they won't be able to come out. - They're trapped. - Yes, in a sense.

Is the building occupied?

Yes. It would cost a billion dollars otherwise.

But the folks in there can't wait to move out.

- Proietti! - I'm here!

- You're out in three days! - I'm so glad! Thank you!

- Arturo! - I'm here. - Can you hear me?

- You'll be out in 2 or 3 days! - I need to do another 15 years!

He said he needs to stay another 15 years.

No, he said: "I've been here 15 years, what do I have to do?"

I'll say that he needs to move out.

- I’ll transfer you to Rebibbia! < Thanks!

See? They're happy.

If you give me half of the sum we'll agree upon tomorrow...

200-300,000 dollars, You'll get it sooner! - Check?

No checks, or we'll end up in there.

Do you have any cash?

- Not much, just $5,000 - They'll do fine.

I'll take your watch, so tomorrow I'll show your competition that you...

- What your name? - Parson Robert Junior.

I'll show them that Junior gave me his watch first.

- Will you give me a receipt? - Sure. Do you have a pen?

- Is this gold? - Yes. - It doesn't work. I'll take this.

- "I hereby receive from Mr. ..." - Parson Robert Junior.

I'll just write "Junior".

"$5000 and his watch."

Signed, Mr. ... TATTARI

I'll tell you what. Do you see this map?

Bring this to the notary tomorrow, with this spirit level.

See you at 10:30 at the notary's. Now go do some shopping.

- I have no cash. - Of course, you gave it all to me.

I'll give you some Italian Lire, OK? 2-300,00 lire. Here.

Actually, let's...

Put your finger here.

I'll take the last measurement. Loot down the middle.

Is this OK?

So, do you want to give me your reports?

- Yes, he wants to... - No, you.

- No, you! - Me? - Yes.

So, after thinking for a bit...

We are... I'm not sure you get our point.

We're not used to this, we'd like to know...

Uncle, we wanted to ask you for...

Ask for anything, just not money.

You're not employees, you're part of the company.

The deal was that we would split the profits at the end of the year.

End of discussion.

Hop! Hop! Hop!

We're training. It's good for us.

Come to my office in 30 minutes. Business meeting.

This girl's name is Marisa Padovan

She's a maid at the mansion you see behind her.

It's owned by a banker, Mr. Martuccelli. He's filthy rich.

Take a good look at her.

OK. Nero, turn the lights on.

Did you get a good look? That mansion is full of silverware...

... valuables, precious paintings, jewelry and fur coats.

A whole bunch of goodies. Every Thursday...

... Ms Padovan spends the afternoon at the Tevere d'Oro ballroom.

One of you should court her, seduce her, and at the right moment...

... make a wax mold of the mansion's key.

Which one of you should I send out?

Move!

Hey, Wanna dance with me?

Come on! Wanna dance? Just one dance!

- Leave me alone! - Come on! - Stop it!

Go away, you're drunk!

The lady doesn't want to dance, leave her alone.

Or what?

- I'll give you a black eye. Understood? - Oh yeah?

May I?

What's your name? I want to know... No, wait. I'll guess.

- How can you guess? - Your name is... wait.

Your name is... A, B, C, D, E, F, G...

It starts with M. Your name is Marisa.

- It is! - I'll tell you your last name.

Your last name is... A, B, C, D, E, F, G... M... P...

Padovan!

- You're a wizard! - No, I'm Egisto.

It's so hot in here. Let's get out. I have a hot "iron" outside.

How beautiful! Is this an Argenta?

No, it's a luxury car. It's a Rolls Royce.

It costs 250 millions.

- So you're rich. - Let's just say I'm filthy.

- What are you doing? - I wanted to try out the electric seats.

No, I wanted to overwhelm every sense of yours.

- Here? Don't you have a house? - Yes.

Of course. In Via Rosina 16. It's beautiful.

It's a big house, with six bathrooms, six kitchenettes, six bedrooms...

... six kitchens... you're a babe!

- Will you take me there? - I can't!

- I can't explain why. - Are you embarrassed I'm a maid?

Even if you were a spade, I couldn't take you there.

But I want you now! Don't say no!

You're so violent! You're so manly!

You're so horny!

My dear, that's the handbrake.

(TV) Next up: "To Catch a Thief".

Turn it off! I don't like documentaries.

Uncle! What a woman! What a character!

I'm in love, I'm crazy in love!

The keys?

What? No! Did you take the wax mold?

- What mold? - The keys to the mansion!

What an idiot!

I was there... Touching here, touching there...

- I touched her knee, then the shifter... - You're an idiot!

A true thief never succumbs to desire. Go away!

- If you'd met her, you'd change your mind. - I haven't met her.

She's a fantastic woman.

- If you'd met her... - Get out.

If you'd met her... What a woman!

- If you'd met her... - Nero!

If you'd met her...

Idiot.

[CLICKING NOISE]

- Marisa Padovan! - You also know my name?

I see. While you were making love to my nephew...

... you took a wax mold of his keys. Well done!

- So this is a family of psychics. - I could call the police.

No, please, don't do it!

No? If I don't, what will you give me in return?

That's enough.

Thank you, but I'm paralyzed from the waist down.

- What can I do for you, then? - A hit.

What do you mean?

A robbery!

So... you're also a thief!

I've dreamt of being part of a hit since I was a little girl.

Calm down. Go home and get ready for Thursday.

I can't wait! Can't we do it tomorrow?

No, I need to study the details. I'm not an amateur.

Also, my nephews will be at the beach, tomorrow.

Nephews? At the beach?

Yes...

The changing room is over there, straight ahead.

Straight ahead.

Men with men, and women with men.

- Is this guarded? - Of course.

- I've got my wallet, my gold Rolex... - That's why we're here.

We're from [garbled] Security of Paris.

Actually, let me give you the keys to your box.

Thanks

One moment.

Excuse me, Miss. If you lose this at sea, you'll end up blaming us.

I'll keep it for you.

51!

- Go ahead! Stop, body search! - I don't have anything.

This is a private beach. what if you're armed? Let's see.

Stop it!

Go on. Your hand grenades are disarmed. Next!

- Ball! - Where?

Curve ball!

I wanted to kick a curve ball like Maradona, but...

I'll give you the ball. Here. Goodbye. I'm going.

- Excuse me. - Excuse my ass... Watch your... step...

- I'm going. - Get in.

- Stop! - My money! (effeminate voice) Thief!

Faggot!

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Mr. Minozzi, It's the Luxembourg Embassy.

I'll be right there.

Hello?

I'm from the Embassy. The grand-duke's daughter...

... duchess Katherine, is currently visiting Rome.

She'd like to purchase some of your fur coats.

We will organize a private show for her in our atelier.

Thank you. Her secretary, the Count of Wanderwurstel will be accompanying her.

Thank you, Mr. Minozzi.

There you go.

Please, start.

- Is it not to your liking? - This?

- Is it good? - Yes.

- One more? - No, thank you.

So, you and Egisto will go to the show...

... and you'll pretend to buy some fur coats.

- Egisto, are you listening? - Ah! Yes, uncle! At your service!

I'll tell you what to do later. Ah, Nero!

This is for you.

- It's marvelous! - It belonged to my poor wife...

... but it will fit you splendidly.

Don't tell me you're jealous of a paralyzed old man!

What if a miracle happens?

Excellent choice, Katherine. You have great taste.

We live in a cold climate, so we need hair. Lots of hair.

The more hair, the better! We'll take two.

They're very expensive.

Four, then.

One wild mink.

One Lynx.

One white mink, Gardenia model...

The duchess has chosen 19 furs for a total of 334 millions.

- Shit! - Too much? - No!

In our language, it means "what a steal!".

Please deliver the items tomorrow at the embassy at 14:00.

Our treasurer will provide you with payment in cash!

With cash...ual greetings!

- Shall we go? - Yes.

Good Morning. I'm looking for the Passport office.

- Thank you! First floor, room 24. - Room 24, first floor.

- You're very kind. - You're welcome.

One more thing. I'm waiting for Mr. Minozzi.

- Mr. Minozzi. - Yes.

- My name is Francesco The Duchess. - Francesco The Duchess.

Call me when Mr. Minozzi arrives. I'll be upstairs.

- OK - I'll be upstairs... - And I'll call you.

- Repeat that. - Mr. The Duchess is expecting Mr. Minozzi.

- Yes. - Thank you. You're welcome. Goodbye.

- I'm in your hands! - Don't worry.

Don't take out the fur coats just yet.

- Good morning. I'm Mr. Minozzi. - You're looking for The Duchess. - Yes.

- I'll call upstairs. Please, have a seat in the waiting room.

Passport Office?

Duchess, what a pleasure.

- How are you? - Fine. - Did you bring everything? - Yes.

- Even the really long furs? - Yes. - I can't wait to wear them!

I'll have them brought here immediately.

- No, no... - What? - Duchess, you know our motto.

Our motto is: "Pay first, fur later".

That's right.

- Is the treasurer here? - Yes, over here.

- Where will you put the money? - In my bag.

- Over 300 millions? - It's safe.

This is also a safe place, but a stranger might come in.

- You know, thieves... I wouldn't trust it. - I've got my guards.

- Call your guards, trust me! - What about the coats?

Police is outside our door, day and night.

- It's not a problem? - Of course not. - Should we call them? - Let's go.

Excuse me! Come here.

- Do you wear the clothes you sell? - Of course.

A nice sheepskin coat would suit you well. Let's go.

- It's hot. - Very hot. - What a day!

> Occupied - What? Mr. Minozzi is here.

> One moment, I'm almost done. - He's counting 300 millions.

I'll wait, cash in, and unload the coats.

What a genius!

I'll be going. All the best to you and your coats. Goodbye!

[FLUSHING NOISE]

Thief! Thief!

> Police!

Police, stop him!

- Follow that van. - One moment. Calm down.

All units, follow the car full of fur coats!

- Hi, uncle. - Egisto, hi!

- Help me trim the daisies. - Yes. - What's the matter?

- I wanted to give you some good news. - What is it?

Marisa and I are in love. We'd like to get married.

- Absolutely not. - Why? - Because!

If you get married, you'll want to spend every night with her.

- Of course. - No!

It's bad for you. It will cloud your reflexes, you won't be lucid.

At the end of the year, you'll do what you want.

Either you gave me your blessing, or I'm getting out of here!

- Is this blackmail? - Yes. - So go get married.

On the condition that you and Marisa don't see each other...

... until the end of the year. - I can't quite grasp the concept.

- What does it mean? - No sexual intercourse.

- Not even on the first night? - Especially on the first night!

- Is this blackmail? - Yes. - Then I'll cut these!

Your loss!

Dearest Egisto and Marisa, you are here so that your love...

... may receive consecration before a minister of the Church.

You are already consecrated with Baptism.

Now Christ blesses you with the nuptial sacrament...

... so that you'll love each other of a faithful, endless love.

(sings)O Virgin Mary!

O Merciful!

Excuse me, sir. You're smoking during the ceremony...

Please, keep smoking.

Do you have a cigarette? I'd like to smoke too.

Mother of sorrow...

Will you, Marisa, take Egisto to be your husband...

... under the rite of the Holy Roman Church? - Yes.

Will you, Egisto, take Marisa to be your wife...

... under the rite of the Holy Roman Church?

- Yes. He said yes. - Exchange your rings.

They're cute, aren't they?

You may kiss the bride.

Nephews, I have gathered you here...

... because tomorrow marks the end of our fist year in business...

... and we will subsequently divide our profits.

Uncle, can I say something? You are... I mean...

I get it.

To award your hard work...

I have studied and devised for you... the heist of the century!

- Take a seat, please. - There? Yes, go ahead.

Nero?

This is the floor plan of the Van Cliff Jewelry store.

It's impenetrable from the outside. The only weak spot is right here.

- The jacks? - Yes, the toilet.

You'll get in from exactly this spot.

I'll tell you how later.

But watch out: you need to go through the room without making any noise.

You'll reach the vault, which contains valuables worth 5 billions...

... in utmost silence.

Why do it like that?

Nero?

This is an exact replica of the complex sound-based alarm...

... that's fitted in the jewelry store.

I'll give you a demonstration. Be quiet.

[SNAPS FINGERS, ALARM RINGS]

- All clear. Do you understand? - Yes.

It's ear-splitting.

It only takes a sound over 1 decibel and you'll be...

Excuse me... What if it's over 2 decibels?

So...

To cut the bars in the vault without making noise...

Come, Nero. I've ordered this silent laser from Germany.

Once you breach the room, you'll get inside, again, very quietly,

and all you'll have to do is open the safe. - That's it?

- It's child's play, then! - No

It's a specific model of door, practically impenetrable.

Only one person in the world can crack it open.

Who is it?

(All) You? - Yes, me.

But... excuse me, Miss... I mean, Mr. Uncle.

Given your miserab-- your physical condition, you won't be able to come.

But I will be there.

Uncle, we're going into the manhole.

Good. Proceed to the sewage conduit...

... marked by the letter A.

Come on!

["JAWS" THEME]

Get inside the tunnel now.

- We're through, uncle. - Good. Commence demolition.

How is it going?

Very well, uncle. Turn on the laser.

Fantastic!

Watch out, security is coming.

- Stop, security is here! - Ah!

- Where are you going? - I need to go to the toilet.

- Are you done? - My belly aches, now.

I haven't gone for 3 days.

We're late, let's go.

- Everything clear? - Yes, don't worry.

The guards have re-engaged the alarm.

You can get into the store, but you must avoid any noise.

You must work in absolute silence. Remember: absolute silence.

Starting now, you have 80 seconds to open the safe.

Go!

Half a turn clockwise.

A quarter turn counterclockwise.

Another half-turn clockwise.

Quarter turn counterclockwise.

Stop! That's it.

Open it.

[AMALIO WHISTLES]

[ALARM]

Hello, uncle? It wasn't me, it was him!

You dickhead!

You idiots! Dumbasses!

No, stop! Don't panic. Empty the safe.

You have 25 seconds before the police gets there.

We have 20 seconds! Take it all! The bags!

What do I pick?

The police is coming! Go! Go! They'll catch us!

Here.

- We're safe! - Watch out!

Here they are! Let's go!

Go go go!

- Which way? - Here!

- The police is here! - What happened?

- The must be looking for somebody. - Maybe there's been a theft.

My young ladies, how's it going?

Let's go have fun at the disco.

We'll find ourselves four machos and get split in half.

I'm coming.

I know you like it, you panty-ripper!

It's been an exceptional show.

Baron! Do you remember me? We met in Paris.

- Hey babe, your place or my place? - I don't know you! Go away!

- It's all right. - Are we going to the disco?

- Fuck off!

The gran--- the lady fell down.

Poor thing, she fell.

- Pick her up. - You'll be fine.

- Thank you, dear. - Goodbye, officer.

- Et voilà, Le chauffeur! - Truffle guy is here.

- Let's get on the Rolls. - Answer the radio.

- Thank you. - Watch you dress. - Fuck off!

Officer, the door. "Merci, Le gendarme."

Goodbye.

Cheers! Congrats!

My dear nephews, congratulations for your brilliant achievement.

Between our existing assets, and Van Cliff's loot...

... the total profits for the year will be around 6 billion.

Obviously, three are for me and one billion each for you.

- It's still a billion per capita! - Yes, but... I'm sorry, uncle...

When can we start getting...

Immediately, even tomorrow. As soon as my fence brings me the money.

Go to sleep, everybody. Good night. Good night, my dear. Good night.

Good night. Aren't you going to sleep?

I wanted to ask you something, But I don't know how...

- Don't touch my chair! - I wanted to ask... Now, can I...

- I don't understand. - We pulled the heist, right?

- It went well, right? I got married. - Yes. - But I still need to consummate!

You're right. Go ahead and consummate. Take the champagne. Good night.

Listen... Is your name really Nero?

- It's my last name. My name is Franco. - Franco Nero?

Honey? Honey-pie?

Kitty? Hello, my pickle!

My love?

My dickface... ?

- Peekaboo! - Where's my wife? - We had a little threesome.

Show me my wife!

- Listen to what Dalmazio has to say. - We had a great idea.

At the stroke of midnight, when the uncle...

... and that guy... Nero... - His full name is Franco Nero.

Franco Nero!

- Who gives a shit! - He's my idol!

We get into the safe and we take everything.

- A grand total of... - Six - Six what? - Six billions!

- Two each. - Whose idea was it? - Your wife's.

- She told us to do it. - What a brain! What a genius!

Unlike uncle's: "3 billions to me and one each to you". Take this!

That's so great! Let's have a toast! Yahoo!

I propose a toast to the three richest thieves in Europe.

Who turned on the light? Turn it off!

Remember about the safe at midnight.

What midnight? There's light out!

- It's noon, then. - Yes. Thursday the 5th.

So we slept 4 days and 4 nights in a row!

What was in the champagne? Bitter almonds?

That's why my head hurts!

Anyway, let's not panic. Let's go get our 50% share from uncle...

Oh my god! The bed is missing!

- It's gone. - It can't be. No...

Nooo!

Siraghi? Package for you.

My dear nephews, I bought this yacht with your savings.

I apologize for my sudden departure.

- That cuckold! - No!

You're the cuckold.

Darling?

Come, my love.

Send our friends a kiss.

Don't worry Egisto, she's not your wife. The wedding was fake...

... the priest was a former convict, a friend of mine.

- Old friendships come in handy sometimes. - Fuck!

Anyway, I won't leave you completely empty-handed...

... I'll tell you the last rule of a perfect criminal.

Never trust anybody.

Not even, and most of all, your own uncle.

I'm not even your real uncle, and I've never been paralyzed.

Farewell, nephews!

[INDISTINCT VOICES]

(TV) Celebrating the new world champions...

Aliprando, I kind of feel bad about your nephews.

Why?

Poor devils, when I took them in, they had nothing.

They could never amount to anything good anyway.

- What's up? - Wait.

Isn't that Dalmazio?

Egisto! Amalio! It's them!

(TV) What? they grabbed Maradona, who fell down with the cup.

- There's a big commotion... - The cup!

(TV) They're stealing it! They're thieves!

World champions! Well done!