All language subtitles for Sanford and Son - 02x13 - Fred . Carol and Fred . Donna.DVDRip.Addic7ed.com.srt (English)

That's it, Donna.

Now you've cracked the left side.
Now crack the right side.

There you go.
Now you're crackin'.

Donna, you have talented fingers.

You could do a neck-crackin' concert
at Carnegie Hall.

Why are you so tense this morning, Fred?
Didn't you sleep well?

No. I watched the Late, Late Show, and
I had a nightmare and got this crick.

Why? What was on?

Dracula.

See, Bela Lugosi was
circling all around my room...

and I kept jerking
my neck out the way.

Ain't no mark there, is there?

You really had a nightmare,
didn't you?

First thing that scared me, I thought
he might try and nibble on my neck.

And the second thing that scared me,
I thought I might like it.

But I'm sure glad
you came by, honey.

Nothing's too good
for my fianc�.

Of course, that was
just for medicinal purposes.

Listen, can you refill
that prescription on the lips?

Fred, it's only 8:00
in the morning.

Well, the clock of love
has no hands.

You're real romantic, aren't you?

Yeah. See, my lips are rated X.
But we over 18.

- Oh, good morning, Lamont.
- Good morning, son.

Sorry for interrupting.
But I didn't think...

you'd have company
this early in the morning.

I asked Donna to come by
because I had this crick.

In your lips?

- You are feeling better now, Fred?
- Yeah, I'm feeling fine. See?

That's terrific, Pop. Now you can
pose for police pictures.

I've got to be going.
I've got a patient waiting for me.

Well, thanks a lot, Donna.
I sure appreciate you coming by.

And listen, I sure wish you had
more time so you could do my feet.

'Cause you do feet
almost as good as you do necks.

How is she on giblets?

- I'll see you tonight, Fred.
- All right, Donna.

And listen, Donna,
to show my appreciation...

tonight I'm gonna fix a special dinner
for us with wine and candlelight.

Oh, that sounds lovely.
Bye. Bye, Lamont.

Crazy 'bout her.

I sure am glad that's over with.

The way you two were carrying on,
it was like she was going off to war.

No, it's just that when
I'm around Donna, my heart say...

Well, that's because you got
sludge in your crank case.

Say, where you going?
You ain't had your breakfast.

Because getting your neck cracked
was more important than my breakfast.

So I'm going down to the diner.

And now that you got
your neck straightened out...

why don't you try
straightening this house?

I will. I will.
See, I got new energy.

After that massage,
I'm ready for the big game.

Play ball.

Yeah, I'm ready for
the big game, and it's on now.

The Dating Game.

Yeah, Lamont?

Yeah, I'm coming.
I was cleaning up the house.

Good morning, sir. May I speak
with the lady of the house?

I'm the lady of the house.
I guess this beard fooled you.

Can I help you?

Could I interest you in some shortcuts
to housecleaning?

You can interest me in how to
cut housecleaning out altogether.

- Come right in.
- Thank you.

My name is Carol Davis, and I represent
Nevins Household Products.

I have something that'll keep you from
ever seeing dirt in your house again.

What you got there, blindfolds?

No. Just wait till you see
these great products, Mr...

Sanford. Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period.

- Come right in, then.
- Well, thank you.

Mr. Sanford, I want you to just look
at the steel bristles on this brush.

It's just the thing for you.

Are you kidding? That would scrape
all the meat off my head.

No. It isn't for your head.
It's for floors and carpets.

Here's something else that I think
you might be interested in.

Say, if that's cockroach killer,
you ain't gonna get 'em up there.

Our cockroaches ain't airborne,
they infantry.

No. It's a room freshener.

Disinfects and deodorizes.
Rids your home of noxious odors.

It's called "Paris in the Spring. "
Are you familiar with that aroma?

No, I'm more familiar with
"Chicago Stockyards in the Summer. "

- Are you from Chicago?
- No, I'm from St. Louis.

But when the wind was wrong,
you'd think you was in Chicago.

St. Louis. I went to high school there.
Vashon High.

You went to Vashon? I used to
fool around in the hallways there.

Oh! Did you go
to Vashon High too?

No. I just fooled around
in the hallways there.

Well, it's a small world
isn't it, Mr. Sanford?

- Call me Fred, and I'll call you...
- Carol.

- Carol. Sit down, Carol.
- Well, thank you.

How long have you been
in this kind of work?

Just for the past year. I decided
to do it when my husband passed away.

I was lonely, so I moved out here to
live with my sister and I took this job.

Oh, then you're a doer.
See, I like a doer.

The trouble with most women is
they're doers before they get married.

Then right after the wedding,
they become "diders. "

- Not me. I was always a doer.
- I can tell that.

- What's your sign, Carol?
- I'm Aries, the Ram.

No kidding?
I'm Sagittarius, the Hunter.

Oh, I better run
from the hunter.

Yeah, and I'll chase you
back into the woods.

- Carol, would you like a cup of coffee?
- That'd be nice.

- The kitchen's right over here.
- Okay. But let me make the coffee.

You are an Aries, aren't you?
You like to do, do, do.

And I like it done, done, done.

You certainly have been successful,
haven't you, Fred?

Yeah, I got me
a nice little nest egg saved up.

And when my nest egg hatches,
I'll say like the airline ads say...

"I'm Fred. Fly me to Miami. "

I know very few men wise enough
to plan ahead like that.

- What's that?
- That must be Lamont.

It must be lunchtime.
I didn't know it was so late.

Oh, good heavens.
We've been talking for hours.

I really have to be running.

It's amazing how time flies when the
conversation's interesting, isn't it?

Yeah, like sand in the hourglass,
so are the days of our lives.

Fred, that's very poetic.
Did you just make that up?

That's the word Macdonald Carey lives
by every day at 12:30, 11:30 central.

Well, I want to thank you,
Fred, for all your hospitality.

Well, it's quite all right, but...

Oh, Lamont. This is Carol Davis,
she sells household products.

- Hi.
- How do you do?

Excuse me. I'm going to fix myself
a sandwich. Nice meeting you.

Well, Fred, I really have
to be getting back to work.

I want to thank you again
for your hospitality.

Well, listen. Why don't you come
back tonight...

and have dinner,
and we can talk some more?

Are you sure?
That'd be awfully nice.

Well, I'm sure. Uh, sevenish?

Perfect. I usually
stop work about sixish.

- Me too. Give us time to freshen up.
- Right.

- I won't be too fresh.
- Oh, Fred, you are funny.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

She got a fine brown frame

She looks good to me but all I...
I like her.

Hey son, I invited her back here
to have some dinner with us tonight.

You know what sign her?
She's an Aries. Aries the Ram.

And I'm Sagittarius.
That makes us compatible.

That's gonna be some
compatible dinner tonight...

with a ram and a barracuda
at the same table.

- What?
- Don't you remember, Pop?

You invited Donna for dinner tonight.

Gee whiz. That was stupid.
I better go tell her.

- You better call her back.
- I ain't talking about calling her.

- I gotta call Donna.
- Call Donna? What do you mean?

I gotta call Donna.

I don't understand you.
I thought you and Donna were engaged.

We are engaged, but tonight
I have me another engagement.

Besides, this is the best time
to call Donna because she's not home...

and I can leave a message
with her answering service.

I don't believe you, man.
A woman you just met...

Hello? I'd like to leave a message
for Miss Donna Harris.

Yeah. Sorry, can't make dinner tonight.
Please forgive me.

What? Oh, Fred Sanford.

That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period.

Thank you. Bye.

Let me warn you
about something, Casanova.

Now at your age, you can't afford
to burn the candle at both ends.

At my age, I look forward to burning
the candle at both ends...

in the middle, round the side
and up the back.

Just so long as
the candle burns.

All right.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

Listen, Lamont. I'm not married.
I still got to sow some wild oats.

At your age, you ain't got no wild oats.
You got shredded wheat.

Okay, so I got shredded wheat.

But I still got a whole lot
of snap, crackle and pop left.

She's gotta fine brown frame

And I wonder what
could be her name

She look good to me
but all I can see

Is that fine brown frame

Hello. Oh, hello, Donna.

He can't come to the phone right now.
He's upstairs freshening up.

He's taking a bath.
No, there's nothing wrong.

I don't know why he can't make it.
Would you hold on a second?

Hello, Donna? That message
that was left on your service?

Well, it was wrong.

It wasn't that Pop couldn't
make it for dinner tonight.

It was that he couldn't make dinner.
You know, fix it. Right.

What he was wondering is that if you
would cook dinner and bring it here?

Well, I'm sure that anything you cook
would be just fine.

Why don't you surprise him?

Right. See you then.
Bye.

She's got a fine brown frame

St. Louis woman
give her a diamond ring

Pulls that man around
by her apron string

- What do you say, son?
- Pop.

I wish I could take
a picture of that table. It's beautiful.

Yeah, that looks great.

Say, Pop, I was wondering.

Is it all right if I stay
and have dinner with you tonight?

What? You know two is company.

I know. But this is my home too,
and a man's home is his castle.

I'm the king of the castle
and I don't want no Prince Dummy...

hanging around here tonight.

Look, I'm not going to get in your way.
What difference will it make?

Look, Lamont, did I ever mess up
your chance when you had a date?

This is an equal opportunity family,
so bye.

Well, I'm not leaving.

Come on now, Lamont.
I went through a lot of expense...

to make this
a romantic evening.

I even got some pink champagne
chilling in the refrigerator.

- You bought champagne?
- Well, not really.

It's really ginger ale and Ripple.

See, I call it "champipple. "

Look, all I'll do is eat
and then I'll leave. Okay?

Listen. That's Carol now.

You can have one glass of wine,
and then you got to go. One glass.

"Paris in the Spring. "
C'est si bon

People say that in France

Good evening, Fred.

What the hell is she doing here?

Donna? Didn't you get my message?

Yes, I did. Then I talked to Lamont
and he cleared everything up.

Oh, Fred, I was only
too happy to cook.

Now you get out of here
so I can fix dinner.

Yeah. You fix dinner.
I'll fix Lamont.

You tell Donna to come here
and fix dinner tonight?

- Who, me?
- Don't give me the "who me" stuff.

- What'd you tell her?
- All I said was that...

Fred, there's a whole dinner
in the oven.

It is?

Why, yes.
Why is that?

Why is that?
Well, see, it's because...

See, Lamont loves frozen dinners,
so I was going to freeze them.

That's right. But, of course, it doesn't
compare to your cooking, Miss Harris.

- Why thank you, Lamont.
- You're welcome.

Why, would you like
to stay for dinner?

Oh, may I?

Of course. Why, I'll just
set another place.

Thank you very much.

Listen, you know Carol's coming here.
What am I gonna do?

- It's all your fault.
- Who, me?

Don't give me that "who, me. "
Listen, I could get killed in here.

And then it'd be
"Nobody and Son. "

Listen, that's Carol now.
Listen, you keep Donna in the kitchen.

Don't let her come out of the kitchen.
I'll take care of Carol.

Don't let her come out
the kitchen.

Here I am.

Listen, Carol. You don't mind
going out to dinner, do you?

Well, no. But I thought
you were going to cook?

I did. But, you're new here in town,
and I thought I'd show you California.

All right, Fred.
But don't you need a jacket?

No. See, I was going to take
you to a Chinese restaurant...

and they don't care what
you got on in one of them.

Hey, Pop, dinner's ready.

- Come on, Carol.
- Your son says dinner's ready.

It's ready for him,
but not for us. Let's go.

Wait, Fred. We better not
disappoint your son.

We better go in. We can go
out on the town another time.

- Wait a minute.
- Come on, Fred.

Oh, what a lovely table.

Good evening, Miss Davis.

Good evening, Lamont.

Donna Harris, this is Carol Davis.
She sells household products.

Working this late?

No. I met Carol this morning.
She's from St. Louis.

And I wanted to show her
some California hospitality...

so I invited her to dinner.

Why didn't you tell me
this before, Fred?

Lamont should have told you when
he talked to you on the phone.

That's right, Donna.
Miss Davis is having dinner with us.

Well, all right.

I'll set another place.

But I don't think there'll be
enough for seconds.

Is she your maid?

No. She's a friend
of the family.

If there isn't enough,
I could come back another...

Oh, no! There's plenty.

Listen, I'm not gonna eat much.
I just want to watch.

Well, let's sit down everybody.

Yeah. Let's sit down everybody...

so we can start eating
and do less talking.

Yeah, we'll
sit right down here.

Ladies, why don't you sit
next to each other?

No. Ladies... Donna, you take
my favorite seat right here.

I'll sit here between the two of you
and that'll make it nice and comfy.

Did you and Fred know
each other back in St. Louis...

Before we start,
let us say grace.

But, Pop,
we never pray before we eat.

Like my mother always said,
"It don't hurt none. "

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord, we're thankful for what
we're about to receive...

and protect us eaters,
oh Lord, from bodily harm.

Amen.

That was very nice.
I didn't know you were a religious man.

I was... I was born
and raised a baptist.

And he'll die a baptist.

Did you and Fred know
each other back in St. Louis?

- Well, you see...
- I had an uncle who was a Catholic.

I don't know if I told you.

He had water on his knee,
that's why he had to give it up.

Did you and Fred know
each other back in St. Louis?

No. We just met this morning.

But it seems like
we're old friends. Right, Fred?

Donna, why don't you
put some food in your mouth, and then...

I mean, you know,
while it's still hot.

- How do you like living in L. A?
- It's been kind of lonely for me.

I didn't really meet
any interesting people until I met Fred.

It's going to be
really nice to have a friend.

Yeah. Ain't nothing like
having a good friend.

- You know who my best friend is?
- Bubba?

No, Jesus.

This food is delicious, Donna.
Isn't it, Miss Davis?

Oh, Carol. Call me Carol.
Yes, it's very good.

Do you work as a cook?

No. I happen to be
a practical nurse.

Yeah. Donna,
she's a real angel of mercy.

Then you know Fred
in a professional capacity?

A little.
But I happen to be his fianc�.

Fianc�? You're engaged?

- Yes, didn't he tell you?
- No, he didn't.

How come you didn't
tell her, Fred?

Well, you can't...
You can't just...

You can't just come right out and tell
somebody everything the first time.

I was here for almost three hours.

Three hours?
You were here for three hours?

- Yes, didn't he tell you?
- No, he didn't.

How come you didn't tell her?

Why don't you tell me what
you were doing for three hours?

I was providing him with
a little genuine, female companionship.

Isn't that nice! Although I'm surprised
that at this stage in his life...

Fred still needs a mother figure.

Mother figure!

I don't have to sit here and listen
to this shrewish woman's insults.

No. Donna's not shrewish.
She's baptist like I am.

Are you going to sit there and let
this woman call your fianc� names?

- Ask her to leave.
- Now wait a minute, ladies. Calm down.

Please, calm down. Ain't there
enough trouble in the world...

with Vietnam and Cambodia
and Jersey City?

Fred, I am your fianc�...

and I want to know what this woman
was doing here for three hours.

- I just told you.
- I want him to tell me.

- What was she doing here?
- Let me tell you...

See, for three hours...
She was trying to...

She was just showing me...
She was showing me her line.

I can see you fell for it.

Oh, I'm getting out of here.

- He is all yours, Miss Davis.
- No, Donna. Wait a minute.

- Oh, no. I'm getting out of here too.
- Carol...

You're not passing off
this no-good two-timer on me.

I guess they didn't
hit it off, huh?

Yeah, and it's all your fault.
You dummy, you.

Donna! Donna! Carol!

Son?

Lamont?
Come get your dessert, son.

Lamont! Come on down, son.

I got your pudding.

Yeah. I'm gonna be putting this
upside your head.

Yeah. And when she found out
I was from St. Louis...

she just invited herself over.

You don't think that I'd let some
stranger come between us, do you, Donna?

No, really, Donna. Listen.
I should have told her right away.

I should've just put my foot down,
told her she couldn't come.

But you know, some people take advantage
of you when you're Mr. Nice.

But I've learned
my lesson, honey.

I swear. I've learned my lesson.
See, when a man got you...

a woman like you... he don't need
to look at another woman.

I swear. Thank you, honey.
I sure appreciate you forgiving me.

What's that? Well, yeah.
How about tomorrow night?

Chinatown? Okay, honey.
Bye.

Well, I hope you'll stop
fooling around after this.

I still don't know why
Donna's gonna take you back.

Because Donna knows
she can depend on me.

Now who you calling?

Hello, Carol? No, no.
Wait a minute, honey.

Don't hang up.
This is Fred. Don't hang up.

I just want to apologize
for last night.

Yeah, I've learned
my lesson, honey.

Oh, when can we get together
so I can explain?

What about tonight?

I got a whole magnum
of"champipple. "

Sanford And Son is recorded on tape
before a live studio audience.