All language subtitles for S01E14Fathers Day

( harmonica wails )

( theme music playing )

( laughing )

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

MOM, THE BATHROOMS
ARE DONE,

BUT NOBODY CAN USE THEM
WILL GRANDPA GETS HERE
TOMORROW NIGHT.

HOW ABOUT WE DON'T
USE THEM ALL YEAR

AND THEN WE NEVER HAVE
TO CLEAN 'EM?

- I FOUND A QUARTER.
- THAT'S MINE.I LOST IT.

FINDER'S KEEPERS.

DARLENE, I FOUND FIVE BUCKS
UNDER YOUR BED YESTERDAY.

- WHAT?
- TELL HER, D.J.

FINDER'S KEEPERS.

OH, NO,

DON'T TELL ME
THE MAID DIDN'T SHOW UP.

GREAT NEWS, DAN.

MY DAD'S DECIDED NOT
TO COME FOR THE WEEKEND?

RIGHT, HE'S COMING
FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.

- YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
- RIGHT.

I-- I HATE YOU.

OKAY, YOU GUYS,
WHEN I GET BACK,
I WANNA SEE THIS ROOM

LIKE I LEFT IT
THIS MORNING, ONLY CLEAN.

I ALREADY DID MY SHARE.

HOW COME I ALWAYS
HAVE TO HELP THEM?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE THE OLDEST.
- Both: HA-HA!

AND 'CAUSE I PAY YOU
TWICE AS MUCH ALLOWANCE.

- Both: WHAT?
- HA-HA.

HEY, WHAT YOU
READING, HANDSOME?

HOW TO FIX
A CEMENT FINISHER.

OH, YEAH,
I THINK I SAW
THAT MOVIE, DAN.

ISN'T THAT THE ONE

WHERE THE SON HIDES OUT
IN THE GARAGE ALL WEEKEND

FIXING THE CEMENT FINISHER
TO AVOID HIS FATHER?

DON'T TELL ME HOW IT ENDS.

THERE IS NO END, DAN,
'CAUSE THERE'S NO BEGINNING.

IF HIDING OUT'S
YOUR TACTIC THIS YEAR,
IT AIN'T GONNA WORK.

WHAT TACTIC?
I GOT TO FINISH
THE CEMENT FINISHER, DON'T I?

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE BEEN
TALKING ABOUT DOING THAT

FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS.

JUST BREAK DOWN
AND BUY A NEW ONE.

YOU GOT ANY IDEA HOW MUCH
A NEW CEMENT FINISHER COSTS?

NO, DAN,

I MISSED THIS MONTH'S COPY
OF "MODERN PAVEMENT."

WHAT IS IT ABOUT
ED, THE DAD, CONNER,

THAT DRIVES YOU NUTS?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD
OF A FATHER AND SON
NOT GETTING ALONG?

I HEAR IT ALL THE TIME.
I'M TIRED OF IT.

HE'S A SWEET MAN.

HE'S A LITTLE
OVERBEARING,

BUT THIS FAMILY'S
ALL HE HAS.

AND HE'S GONNA
SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND
TELLING ME HOW TO RUN IT.

OH, YOU RUN
THIS FAMILY?

I MEAN IT, ROSE.

HE'S GONNA WALK IN HERE
AND HE'S GONNA TELL ME

I'M WASTING MY TIME
AS A CONTRACTOR.

HE'S GONNA SAY,
"WORK SMART, DANNY, NOT HARD."

SO WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

YOU HANDLE HIM
SMART, NOT HARD.

WELL, IT'S EASIER
THAN IT SOUNDS.

I'M SORRY TO SAY IT,

BUT HE REALLY GETS
ON MY NERVES.

YEAH, BUT THESE VISITS
ARE REALLY IMPORTANT

TO YOUR DAD, DAN.

I KNOW.
I'M BEING SILLY.

WELL, ANYWAY, HE'S ONLY
GONNA BE HERE 72 HOURS.

FLIES LIVE OUT THEIR
ENTIRE LIFE SPAN IN 72 HOURS.

SO MAYBE HE'LL GET CAUGHT
IN THE SCREEN DOOR

AND HE'LL
BE HERE FOREVER.

HEY, LOVER BOY.

I'M READY FOR HIM.

I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA
MAKE THIS WEEKEND WORK.

BOTTLE OF GOLD PREMIUM,
HIS FAVORITE.

SODIUM-FREE CLUB SODA.

AND HERE'S THE CLINCHER--
BARQ'S GOURMET CASHEWS.

( horn honks )

- GRANDPA!
- HOW COME THEY NEVER RUN
LIKE THAT WHEN I COME HOME?

THEY DO, DAN,
IT'S JUST IN
THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

COME ON.
THIS IS GONNA
WORK OUT GREAT.

- DON'T WORRY.
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT, HONEY.

REMEMBER,
HE'S YOUR FATHER
AND HE LOVES YOU,

AND WHEN THAT FLY DIES,
HE'S OUT OF HERE.

HON, THE HOUSE LOOKS GREAT.

YEAH, WE SHOULD
ENJOY IT NOW

'CAUSE IT WON'T
LOOK LIKE THIS AGAIN
TILL D.J. MOVES OUT.

HI, GRANDPA.

D.J., QUIT PULLING.

DARLENE, ARE YOU SURE
YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

NO PROBLEM, GRANDPA.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU KIDS
ABOUT LETTING STRANGERS
IN THE HOUSE?

I AM NO STRANGER
THAN THE GUY YOU MARRIED.

ROSEBUD!

THE DAUGHTER I NEVER HAD.

YEAH, WELL, ED, YOU
WOULD'VE DIED IN LABOR.

HOW'S IT GOING, DAD?

DANNY, DANNY, DANNY.

I DIDN'T DRIVE 320 MILES
FOR A HANDSHAKE.

HOW ABOUT A GOOGLE?

- COME HERE!
- AAH!AAH!

SEE?
THAT'S MY LITTLE BOY.

( both laughing )

Both: WAH-OH!

HOW YOU BEEN, DAD?

I'VE BEEN GREAT,
I'VE BEEN GREAT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, HOW'S I GOIN'?

GREAT, GREAT,
BUSINESS IS TERRIFIC.

- YOU LOOK GREAT.
- I'M FEELING GREAT, SON.

- TELL, GRANDPA.
- I GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU, GRANDPA.

WELL, I HAVE GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU, TOO.

DARLENE, DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD GET
THAT SUITCASE OPEN?

NOW, LISTEN...

I WANT YOU
TO TAKE VERY GOOD CARE
OF THAT, ALL RIGHT?

THAT IS GENUINE CAMEL'S HAIR.

SO IT WON'T NEED
MUCH WATER.

HERE YOU GO, SPORT.

- THANKS.
- Roseanne: WHOA.

LET'S SEE.
DARLENE.DARLENE!

ANY DARLENES
IN THIS HOUSE?

- RIGHT HERE.
- OH, THERE YOU GO.

WOW.AN ANT FARM.

NO.IT'S NO FARM.
THAT'S A CONDO.YEAH.

YOU SEE,
THAT'S AN ANT CONDO.

THERE'S A LITTLE
HEALTH CLUB FOR THEM
ON THE TOP FLOOR.

SO THEY CAN BULK UP
AND BECOME ROACHES.

WHAT ABOUT ME, GRANDPA?

WHAT ABOUT YOU,
HONEY?

YOU KNOW.

KNOW WHAT?

GRANDPA,
WHERE'S MY PRESENT?

OH, NO.

I KNEW I WAS GONNA
FORGET SOMEBODY.

GRANDPA.

THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING HERE SOMEWHERE.

SOME ONE LAST THING.
I JUST-- OH!

SEE, THAT'S A DIARY.

YOU WEAR THE KEY
CLOSE TO YOUR HEART

SO IT WON'T
BE READ BY...

THANKS, GRANDPA.

YOURS IS IN THE MAIL.

ED, YOU KNOW YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BRING US ANYTHING.

AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE,
WE TAKE THEIR STUFF.

DAD, I GOT A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU

OUT IN THE KITCHEN.

SON, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET ANYTHING FOR ME.

DAN, I TOLD YOU HE DOESN'T
WANT THAT CASH GIFT

OF OVER $10,000.

GRANDPA, SHOW ME
HOW THESE WORK.

OKAY, HERE.

YOU SEE,
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

BUT... NO!

COOL.LET MY TRY.

DARLENE, I GOT A FEELING

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE AN EVEN
NICER PAIR OF THOSE SOMEDAY.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU TWO DO IT.

- HOW ABOUT IT, DAD?
- GOLD PREMIUM?

- THAT'S THE BEST THERE IS.
- YEAH, GO PRETTY GOOD
WITH THOSE CASHEWS.

SOMEBODY'S LIVING
THE HIGH LIFE AROUND HERE.

WHO?

ED, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO AHEAD AND OPEN 'EM UP.

SURE, ROSIE,
RIGHT AWAY.

DANNY, HOW MUCH
YOU PAY FOR THESE?

WHATEVER IT WAS,
I'M SURE IT WAS TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW THE DEALS
MY DAD GETS.

WHEN YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS,
YOU NEVER PAY RETAIL.

YOU DON'T MEAN TO TELL ME
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE FRIENDS
IN THE NUT BUSINESS?

NUTS, COOKIES,

CANDIES, LIGHTERS,

PENS, TONGS.

YOU NEVER PAY FULL PRICE
FOR THAT STUFF.

( knocking )

- Darlene: I GOT IT!
- TAKE MY CAR.

800 BUCKS
OFF THE LIST PRICE.

RIGHT, AND THEY ALSO THREW
IN A DIGITAL RADIO.

- AND YOU KNOW WHY?
- YOU'RE FRIENDS
WITH THE SALESMAN.

THAT'S RIGHT, DANNY BOY.

Crystal:
HEY, EVERYBODY.

- HEY.
- HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

- CRYSTAL, YOU REMEMBER ED.
- MY, MY, MY.

TAKE MY BREATH AWAY.

WELL, HELLO, ED.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
IN THE LANFORD WATER

BECAUSE YOU GET PRETTIER
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU.

AND EVERY TIME I SEE YOU,
YOU HAVE MORE CHARM.

HE GETS IT WHOLESALE.

ROSEANNE, I GOT
AN EMERGENCY.

MY HAIR DRYER'S BUSTED.

THE DARN THING'S
SUPPOSED TO HAVE
THREE SETTINGS--

COOL, WARM, AND HOT--
BUT ALL I COULD GET
WAS COOL, HOT, AND HOT.

YOU GOT ONE
I COULD BORROW?

NAH.

GEEZ, I WISH I KNEW SOMEBODY

THAT COULD GET ME A GOOD DEAL
ON ONE OF THOSE DARN THINGS.

1971.

HAIR DRYERS.

WEST COAST DISTRIBUTORSHIP.
I WAS THIS CLOSE, DANNY.

THIS CLOSE.

YOUR CUBS
ARE LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR.

YEAH, THEY ARE.
YEAH, THEY ARE.

'COURSE IT'S STILL
SPRING TRAINING.

I DON'T KNOW,
THEY COULD BE CONTENDERS.

EVERYBODY'S A CONTENDER
IN SPRING TRAINING.

"CEMENT FINISHER
MAINTENANCE MANUAL."

NO, THAT'S NOTHING.

CEMENT FINISHER'S
ACTING UP AGAIN.

SEEMS TO ME THAT THING
IS ALWAYS BROKEN.

NAH, NAH.

- HOW'S BUSINESS, DAD?
- NEVER BETTER.

I'M SELLING FORKLIFTS
FASTER THAN THEY CAN MAKE 'EM.

GOOD FOR YOU, DAD.

THAT'S WHY THEY STICK ME
WITH THIS PUNK KID

WHO COULDN'T SELL
A LIFE PRESERVER
TO A DROWNING MAN.

I TOLD THE SALES MANAGER,

"IF I HAD MY SON WITH ME,
WE COULD PUT THIS COMPANY
RIGHT THROUGH THE TOP."

PA, I DON'T NEED YOU
TALKING TO NO SALES
MANAGER FOR ME, DAD.

WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS
A MILLION TIMES.

I AIN'T NO SALESMAN.

WELL, YEAH,
THE WORLD NEEDS
HANDYMEN, TOO.

I'M NOT A HANDYMAN, DAD.
I'M A CONTRACTOR.

YOU COULD BE A SALESMAN.
YOU COULD BE A DAMN GOOD ONE.

- I LIKE WHAT I DO.
- I DIDN'T SAY YOU DIDN'T.

ALL I AM SAYING IS YOU GOT
TO WORK SMART, NOT HARD.

WORK SMART, NOT HARD.

I'M BUILDING A BUSINESS,
AND IT TAKES TIME.

WHAT ARE
YOU BUILDING?

YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR.
WHAT DO YOU WORK,
SIX MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR?

YEAH--
WE'RE A LITTLE SLOW
DURING THE WINTERTIME.

THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- I GOT STUFF LINED UP.
- LINED UP?

YOU HAVE A FAMILY.
YOU GOT TO LINE SOMETHING UP
FOR THIS FAMILY.

- I TAKE GOOD
CARE OF MY FAMILY.
- I KNOW YOU DO, SON.

NO, YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW.

I AIN'T A SALESMAN.
I'M A CONTRACTOR.
AND LET'S DROP IT.

FINE.

- BYE-BYE, ED.
- BYE-BYE, SUGAR.

YOU KEEP DRINKING
THAT WATER.

Darlene: GRANDPA,
I CAN'T FIND THE KEY
FOR THESE HANDCUFFS!

THEY DON'T NEED A KEY.

I'LL SHOW YOU AGAIN,
BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

- WHAT DID HE DO?
- HE DID EXACTLY WHAT
I SAID HE WAS GONNA DO.

HE'S NOT HERE FIVE MINUTES
AND I'M A HANDYMAN WHO CAN'T
SUPPORT HIS FAMILY.

- WELL, DAN--
- I DON'T WANNA TALK
ABOUT IT, ROSEANNE.

HE JUST BETTER STAY
THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY
THIS WHOLE VISIT.

I DON'T CARE IF
I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

I GUESS I REALLY
MESSED THINGS UP
THIS TIME, HUH, ROSIE?

YEAH, ED.
IT'S ALL OVER YOUR SHOES.

- HERE, ANT.
- COME AND GET IT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

ME AND D.J.'S
TRAPPING ANTS

FOR HIS ANT CONDO.

WE PUT JELLY
ON BREAD, GRANDPA.

WHEN THE ANTS COME OUT,

WE SMASH 'EM OVER THE HEAD
WITH A TWO-BY-FOUR.

SAME WAY I CAUGHT DAN.

WHERE IS DANNY BOY?

I THOUGHT FOR SURE
HE'D BE OUT HERE.

WELL, HE WENT OUT
FOR A GLASS OF COOLANT.

HE'S REALLY GOT
SOME TEMPER, HUH?

ONLY ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO STAY
IN HERE AND CATCH THESE ANTS.

YOU CAN.

GEE, THANKS.

GOT A GREAT
KID THERE.

YEAH, HE'S GREAT
WHEN HE'S NOT ROTTEN.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A ROTTEN SON, ROSIE.

THEY'RE TOO PRECIOUS.

I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT MOTHERS AND SONS,
BUT WITH FATHERS AND SONS...

A FATHER LOOKS AT HIS SON,
AND HE SEES EVERY MISTAKE
HE EVER MADE.

HE JUST WANTS TO PUT HIM
ON SOME KIND OF PATH

WHERE HE WON'T MAKE
THOSE SAME MISTAKES.

- BUT, ED--
- NO, A FATHER AND A SON...

YOU SEE WHAT WOULD'VE,

WHAT COULD'VE,
WHAT SHOULD'VE BEEN.

ED-- ED, WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE PHONE,

DO YOU EVER USE
THE TOP HALF?

OH, OH, YEAH-- YEAH, I RUN OFF
AT THE MOUTH SOMETIME,

BUT SO DO YOU.

YEAH, BUT WHEN I SPEAK,

I'M SPEAKING
FOR ALL OF WOMANKIND.

WHAT DOES ALL OF WOMANKIND
KNOW ABOUT FATHERS AND SONS?

ALL I WAS DOING
WAS GIVING DANNY
A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE.

BUT THAT'S THE THING
ABOUT FATHERLY ADVICE.

IT'S A GIVE-AND-TAKE
KIND OF THING.

YOU CAN ONLY
GIVE IT SO MUCH

BEFORE THE KID
CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

- YEAH, BUT--
- YEAH, BUT--

Both: YOU KNOW--

- YOU SHOULD
GO TALK TO HIM.
- TALK TO HIM, YEAH.

THE WORLD'S
STILL OUT THERE?

HEY, DANNY,

YOU REMEMBER 1962,

WRIGLEY FIELD, OPENING DAY?

YOU WERE THERE.

WHO'S ON THE MOUND?

THE PITCHER.

YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YOU?

IT'S A BIG GUY, RIGHT-HANDER.
I REALLY CAN'T THINK
OF HIS NAME.

NEITHER CAN I.

I ONCE HAD THIS FIGHT
WITH THIS GUY,

EARL VELTOFF.

HE AND I WERE PARTNERS
OUT IN DES MOINES

FOR THREE WEEKS.

HE HAD THE MOST
ANNOYING HABIT.

HE USED TO SUCK HIS TEETH.

CARDWELL WAS ON THE MOUND,
DON CARDWELL.

THAT'S THE GUY.

YEAH,
WE ALMOST GOT A FOUL BALL.

- THIS CLOSE.THIS CLOSE.
- YEAH.

WE WOULD'VE HAD IT, TOO,
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN YAKKING
TO THE PEOPLE BEHIND US

ABOUT THE INVENTION
OF THE FORKLIFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS IS LIKE, DANNY?

THIS IS LIKE ANTS.

WHAT'S LIKE ANTS?
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU AND ME.

WHEN AN INSECT
THREATENS AN ANTHILL,

THE ANTS INSTINCTIVELY
PROTECT THOSE THEY'RE
RELATED TO.

THAT'S NATURE.
THAT'S LIFE.

THAT'S DINNER.SEE YA.

- HEY, DANNY.
- WHAT?

I CAME HERE
TO SQUARE THINGS WITH YOU.

WHY ARE YOU
MAKING IT SO TOUGH?

WE'RE SQUARE, POP.

CARDWELL WAS KNOCKED OUT
IN THE FIRST.

- WHO DID THEY BRING IN?
- BOB BUHL.

1956.

OH, THAT WAS A YEAR.

PASS THE POTATOES, PLEASE.

IF SOMETHING ALMOST
HAPPENED IN 1956,
WE WOULDN'T BE SITTING HERE.

DO BEETS STAIN
YOUR TEETH?

WE WERE ON THE ROAD
TO MEMPHIS.

- YOU WERE ABOUT THREE YEARS
OLD, DANNY-- YOU REMEMBER?
- VIVIDLY.

IT WAS RAINING
CATS AND DOGS.

THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS,
THEY'RE WORKING LIKE A CHARM.

I SAID TO YOUR MOTHER,

"AUDREY, I'M
GONNA REVOLUTIONIZE
THE AUTOMOBILE INDUSTRY."

AN IDEA AS SIMPLE
AS A HULA HOOP,

AS PRACTICAL
AS A PAPER CLIP.

- WHO KNOWS WHAT IT IS?
- MUD FLAPS?

NO.THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

BUT NOW SEE, TRY TO THINK
ABOUT THE REAR OF THE CAR.

ED, THE ONLY THING
I CAN THINK OF

THAT YOU DO
IN THE REAR OF A CAR,

I KNOW YOU
DIDN'T INVENT IT.

REAR
WINDSHIELD WIPERS.

GIVE THIS YOUNG LADY
64 SILVER DOLLARS.

YOU INVENTED
REAR WINDSHIELD WIPERS?

COULD'VE,
SHOULD'VE, WOULD'VE.

BOY, I'M TELLING YOU.

BUT YOUR MOTHER, SHE HAD
TO HAVE A REST STOP.

WELL, CASTING
NO ASPERSIONS,

SHE WAS EIGHT MONTHS
PREGNANT AT THE TIME.

SHE WAS
A LITTLE INCONTINENT.

SO WE STOP, AND I LOSE
MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

IT WASN'T UNTIL
TWO YEARS LATER

TILL I SEE A PAIR
ON THE BACK END
OF A CHRYSLER IMPERIAL

I REMEMBER
I INVENTED 'EM.

THIS CLOSE, DANNY.
THIS CLOSE.

I LEARNED MY LESSON.

YOU GOT TO GRAB
YOUR OPPORTUNITIES
WHEN THEY COME BY.

DARLENE, PASS
THE BEETS, PLEASE.

WELL, DO THEY?

- DO THEY WHAT?
- STAIN YOUR TEETH.

TEETH,
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TEETH.

- DAD.
- THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TEETH

I EVER SAW
WERE ON A MOVIE STAR.

- ESTHER WILLIAMS.
- DAD, WE'VE ALREADY
HEARD THIS STORY.

I HAVEN'T.

YEAH, I'D LIKE
TO HEAR IT.

OKAY, GREAT.TELL IT.

YOU'RE IN SAN DIEGO.
IT'S 1951.

BOBBY THOMPSON'S HOME RUN.
SHOT HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD.

- LET HIM TELL IT.
- NO, NO.NO, IT'S OKAY.

MGM'S MAKING A MOVIE
DOWN IN SAN DIEGO, SEE.

- AND GUESS WHO'S DOWN THERE.
- ESTHER WILLIAMS.

GIVE THE YOUNG LADY
64 SILVER DOLLARS.

WELL, THEN
WHAT HAPPENED?

ASK YOUR FATHER.

YOU'RE IN
THE COFFEE SHOP.

NO.I WAS
IN THE MAIN DINING ROOM.
I TURNED AROUND--

HE'S GONNA TELL IT.
HE'S GONNA TELL IT.

WELL, DAN, IT'S NOT
LIKE WE HAVEN'T HEARD
YOUR STORIES 30 TIMES.

WHAT STORIES?

OH, COME ON, DAN.

HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I LISTENED
TO THE INCREDIBLE STORY

ABOUT HOW YOU WERE
THE FIRST CUSTOMER EVER

AT THE NEW SUPERMARKET?

I'LL TELL YA, DAN,
IF YOU DON'T WANNA
HEAR MY STORIES,

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO HEAR MY STORIES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOU CAN FREEZE IN HELL
BEFORE YOU HEAR ANOTHER
ONE OF MY STORIES.

- EXCUSE ME.
- COME ON, SIT DOWN!

DAN, COOL IT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

I GOT US INTO THIS,
I'LL GET US OUT OF IT.

ED, YOU'RE HALF RIGHT.

YOU GOT US INTO IT,
AND I'LL GET US OUT OF IT.

DAN...

THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS
ON PARENTAL CRIME

RUNS OUT WHEN
YOU'RE ABOUT 30.

SO HE DIDN'T INVENT
THE REAR WINDSHIELD WIPER.

THAT'S NOT IT.

SO HE NEVER REALLY
MET ESTHER WILLIAMS.

IT'S NOT
THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS.

IT'S NOT ESTHER WILLIAMS.

IT'S HIS FORK.

WHAT?

HE HOLDS HIS FORK
THE SAME WAY I DO.

I HOLD MY FORK
THE SAME WAY HE DOES.

I'M HIM.

I THINK YOU'RE READING
A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH
INTO SILVERWARE.

I'M SITTING THERE
AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, HONEY,

AND I'M WATCHING HIM
AND I'M LISTENING,

AND IT'S ME,
AND I HATE IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, DAN,
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ED CONNER

AND YOU JUST
BUMPED INTO HIM,

YOU'D GO HAVE A COUPLE OF BEERS,
AND YOU'D TALK ABOUT BASEBALL,

AND HE'D PROBABLY
SELL YOU A FORKLIFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT
SCARES ME THE MOST?

WHEN HE WAS 36 YEARS OLD,

HE WAS RIGHT
WHERE I AM TODAY.

- THAT'S ME DOWN THE ROAD.
- NO, THAT'S HIM.

THOSE ARE HIS CHOICES.
THAT'S ED.

ROSEANNE, I GOT
A BROKEN-DOWN TRUCK.

I GOT A BROKEN-DOWN
CEMENT FINISHER.

I HEAR MYSELF TELLING
THE SAME DAMN STORIES
12 TIMES.

WELL, I'M NOT SAYING
YOU'RE NOT BORING.

YOU'RE JUST BORING
IN A DIFFERENT WAY

THAN YOUR DAD.

IT'S GENETIC.
IT'S IN THE GENES.

YOU SEE HIM, YOU GET ME.

( sighs )

WELL, MAYBE
THAT'S WHY I LIKE HIM.

YOU KNOW,
HE HAS THAT CERTAIN

VIRILE CONNER CHARM,
YOU KNOW.

COME BACK
IN THERE WITH ME, COME ON.

YEAH, WE MIGHT
BE MISSING A GOOD STORY.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE--

MAKING YET
ANOTHER APPEARANCE
AT OUR DINNER TABLE--

THE LOVELY,
THE INDEFATIGABLE

MR. DAN CONNER
AND HIS LOVELY WIFE TAMMI.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

I ASKED FOR THE POTATOES,
AND YOU HIT THE ROAD.

ASK HIM FOR THE CARROTS
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

CARROTS.

I HATE CARROTS.
YOU KNOW WHY?

TELL ME.

( groaning )

WOULD YOU STOP HOGGING
ALL OF THESE BLANKETS?

BLANKETS?

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
SOMETHING ABOUT BLANKETS.

I CAME THIS CLOSE TO INVENTING
THE BLANKET IN 1969.

IT WAS RIGHT
AFTER WOODSTOCK.

AND A GUY NAMED
NAVAJO JOE UP TO ME

AND HE SAYS, "I ALREADY
INVENTED THE BLANKET."

- SO HE TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME.
- ( Roseanne laughing )

1969, THAT WAS A GREAT YEAR,
WASN'T IT? WOODSTOCK.

WHO WAS ON THE MOUND
THAT YEAR? FERGIE JENKINS.

BOY, WHAT A SET
OF CHOMPERS HE HAD.
YOU TALK ABOUT TEETH.

BUT HE WENT PLUMB
MIDGET ON ME.

AND HE WENT AND SUNK
ALL HIS MONEY

INTO WHAT YOU CALL
A HAIR DRYER STOCK.

HE TRIED TO INVENT
A FIVE-SPEED,

FOUR-DOOR MIX
HAIR DRYER,

AND HE LOST
ALL HIS DOUGH.

THEN HE COULDN'T
DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.

SO I UPS TO HIM
AND I SAYS, "FERGIE,

WHAT THE HECK DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT HAIR DRYERS ANYWAY?"

HE GOES, "WELL, IT
GETS WINDY IN CHICAGO."

I SAID, "CHICAGO?"

"YEAH, I WAS ALMOST
IN THE BAND CHICAGO.

I USED TO MIX THEIR
SOUND TRACKS FOR 'EM,

BUT I COULDN'T
QUITE GET IT, SEE."

AHH...

GOOD NIGHT, ED.

NIGHT.NIGHT.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT NIGHT?

I WAS ALMOST ON
THE EDGE OF NIGHT
ONE TIME,

EXCEPT I GOT MY FOOT
CUT OFF IN VIETNAM,

AND I COULDN'T QUITE
MAKE IT TO THE AUDITION.

AND THE CABDRIVER
DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH,
SO HE DIDN'T KNOW--

SHUT UP!

I WAS SHUT UP
IN A CAVE ONE TIME.

THE MERAMAC CAVERNS
JUST SOUTH OF ST. LOUIS.

IT WAS ME
AND THREE OTHER GUYS.