All language subtitles for Mom - 08x10 - Illegal Eels and the Cantaloupe Man.AMZN.WEB-DL.NTb.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com
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1
00:00:02,141 --> 00:00:04,897
Remind me how we got roped
into giving away the blood
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:06,403
that's keeping us alive?
3
00:00:06,646 --> 00:00:08,579
Wendy signed us all
up when we were hungry.
4
00:00:08,604 --> 00:00:10,303
She knew we weren't paying attention.
5
00:00:10,492 --> 00:00:12,493
I swear she used the
words "drag queen bingo,"
6
00:00:12,518 --> 00:00:14,312
or I never would have agreed.
7
00:00:14,969 --> 00:00:16,764
What if I walk out of
here and get hit by a bus
8
00:00:16,789 --> 00:00:18,875
and don't have enough
blood in my body to save me?
9
00:00:18,992 --> 00:00:20,868
Then they'll wheel
you right back in here
10
00:00:20,893 --> 00:00:22,359
and fill you full of mine.
11
00:00:22,546 --> 00:00:24,613
I would not take that offer.
12
00:00:25,574 --> 00:00:27,374
I just hate needles.
13
00:00:27,399 --> 00:00:30,177
Except for Botox, which
actually helps people.
14
00:00:30,586 --> 00:00:31,746
You're gonna be fine.
15
00:00:31,771 --> 00:00:33,576
I give blood every six months.
16
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,015
It's nothing to be scared of.
17
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,674
Wow. Some of these questions
are pretty personal.
18
00:00:37,699 --> 00:00:40,842
"Have you had unprotected sex
with someone you do not know..."
19
00:00:40,867 --> 00:00:43,356
- Yay, I'm out!
- "... in the last three months?"
20
00:00:43,389 --> 00:00:45,148
Damn it, I'm back in.
21
00:00:46,161 --> 00:00:49,228
We should be proud that we're
sober and we can do this.
22
00:00:49,253 --> 00:00:51,298
There was a time when none
of us could've given blood
23
00:00:51,322 --> 00:00:53,125
because of our lifestyles.
24
00:00:53,266 --> 00:00:56,219
So let's be grateful
and generous of spirit.
25
00:00:56,828 --> 00:00:58,595
Oh, crap-a-doodle.
26
00:00:58,697 --> 00:01:00,177
What's the matter? Is it number eight?
27
00:01:00,202 --> 00:01:02,036
"Have you taken money for sex?"
28
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:05,579
I started blood
thinners. I can't donate.
29
00:01:05,604 --> 00:01:07,399
Wait. Do you have 'em in
your purse? Give me one.
30
00:01:07,423 --> 00:01:11,162
- (tsks)
- Oh, I wish I was sick in the hospital
31
00:01:11,187 --> 00:01:12,453
and someone was bringing me
32
00:01:12,478 --> 00:01:14,798
a Valentine's bear with
a heart on his tummy.
33
00:01:14,823 --> 00:01:16,061
Mm.
34
00:01:16,086 --> 00:01:17,390
I'm not interested unless that bear
35
00:01:17,415 --> 00:01:18,901
- is carrying jewelry.
- (chuckles)
36
00:01:18,926 --> 00:01:21,394
Adam and I never make a big
deal out of Valentine's Day.
37
00:01:21,419 --> 00:01:23,230
Usually, by the time he
gets home from the bar,
38
00:01:23,254 --> 00:01:25,521
I've already eaten my edible
underwear and gone to sleep.
39
00:01:25,623 --> 00:01:27,067
- (laughs)
- I have a date with chicken fajitas
40
00:01:27,091 --> 00:01:28,797
and Bridget Jones's Diary.
41
00:01:29,204 --> 00:01:32,398
Well, Gary and I have
a sexy Skype planned.
42
00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:34,273
Tammy, I may need your help
43
00:01:34,312 --> 00:01:36,859
getting off my compression
socks beforehand.
44
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:39,845
Great. I have a date
with chicken fajitas,
45
00:01:39,870 --> 00:01:42,037
Bridget Jones's Diary and
Marjorie's compression socks.
46
00:01:42,062 --> 00:01:43,394
(laughs)
47
00:01:44,670 --> 00:01:46,069
Oh, there's Wendy.
48
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,022
JILL: Wendy's kissing a man.
49
00:01:50,123 --> 00:01:51,690
Wendy's kissing a man!
50
00:01:51,715 --> 00:01:53,382
I'm gonna faint before I give blood.
51
00:02:05,935 --> 00:02:10,935
-
Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
--
for www.addic7ed.com --
52
00:02:17,508 --> 00:02:20,042
I'm sorry I can't pet you, Gus.
53
00:02:20,572 --> 00:02:22,616
I gave blood.
54
00:02:23,531 --> 00:02:27,805
You know, it can't always
be about you, you know.
55
00:02:28,762 --> 00:02:30,641
- (sighs)
- Hey.
56
00:02:30,666 --> 00:02:31,899
Hey.
57
00:02:32,255 --> 00:02:36,445
- You all right?
- I spent all morning saving lives.
58
00:02:36,470 --> 00:02:38,211
I thought you were just giving blood.
59
00:02:38,236 --> 00:02:40,335
Not just any blood.
60
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,896
AB negative, the rarest of all.
61
00:02:44,025 --> 00:02:47,093
The nurse called it the
"champagne of blood."
62
00:02:48,172 --> 00:02:49,847
(sighs)
63
00:02:49,949 --> 00:02:51,616
Juice me.
64
00:02:52,266 --> 00:02:54,909
Do you think you'll have
your strength back by Sunday?
65
00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:58,836
Oh, no. You're not still trying
to get me to church, are you?
66
00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:00,748
I can't drink the wine,
67
00:03:00,773 --> 00:03:03,375
and those crackers they
serve with it are terrible.
68
00:03:03,781 --> 00:03:05,814
Sunday is Valentine's Day,
69
00:03:05,839 --> 00:03:08,506
and I'm taking you out
for a romantic dinner.
70
00:03:09,031 --> 00:03:11,461
Not chicken wings in
your office at the bar?
71
00:03:11,486 --> 00:03:15,523
Nope. Michelin star restaurant,
six-course tasting menu.
72
00:03:15,548 --> 00:03:18,349
Wear your highest heels
'cause I'm sitting down anyway.
73
00:03:19,274 --> 00:03:21,828
Oh, my God, our first Valentine's date.
74
00:03:22,596 --> 00:03:25,196
If I wasn't so weak, I'd kiss you.
75
00:03:26,363 --> 00:03:30,288
- I'll come to you.
- I'll do my best to muster a pucker.
76
00:03:32,941 --> 00:03:35,208
Oh, orange juice and Oreos.
77
00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:36,935
Just had a flashback to preschool.
78
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,528
Not what you want when
you're kissing your wife.
79
00:03:41,766 --> 00:03:44,100
You know, Bonnie, it's
been more than 24 hours,
80
00:03:44,125 --> 00:03:45,608
so you can take that off now.
81
00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:46,970
Oh, is that still there
82
00:03:46,995 --> 00:03:50,196
from when I gave my very
rare blood to save lives?
83
00:03:50,375 --> 00:03:53,442
You're surprised? She wore her
"I Voted" sticker for a month.
84
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,646
I was excited. It was my first
time voting under my real name.
85
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,936
(laughter)
86
00:03:58,115 --> 00:03:59,815
Oh, Wendy's here.
87
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,459
This is gonna be fun. Hey, girl!
88
00:04:02,484 --> 00:04:04,310
What's new? What's going on?
89
00:04:04,489 --> 00:04:06,922
Uh, I just got my hair cut.
90
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,692
Well, not really cut, just
a trim. They call it...
91
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:11,183
No one cares. Who's the guy?
92
00:04:11,362 --> 00:04:12,428
What guy?
93
00:04:12,797 --> 00:04:14,811
The doctor you were playing doctor with.
94
00:04:14,836 --> 00:04:16,569
When we came to give blood...
95
00:04:16,594 --> 00:04:18,036
We saw you sucking face with him.
96
00:04:18,061 --> 00:04:19,692
Why have you been holding out on us?
97
00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,083
Oh. Yeah.
98
00:04:21,414 --> 00:04:22,985
We've been kind of seeing each other.
99
00:04:23,010 --> 00:04:25,511
Yesterday, you went on and on
about the lint in your dryer,
100
00:04:25,536 --> 00:04:27,336
but nothing about Dr. Hot Lips?
101
00:04:27,591 --> 00:04:30,925
It's new, and I was afraid
you guys would tease me.
102
00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:32,517
Wendy, we would never.
103
00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:35,109
Has he taken your temperature
yet? And if so, how?
104
00:04:35,249 --> 00:04:38,433
- Can he prescribe satisfaction?
- (chuckles)
105
00:04:38,458 --> 00:04:40,057
Does he recommend you stay horizontal
106
00:04:40,082 --> 00:04:41,382
with plenty of fluids?
107
00:04:41,407 --> 00:04:43,004
- (laughter)
- MARJORIE: All right.
108
00:04:43,029 --> 00:04:45,730
All right, everybody
just leave Wendy alone.
109
00:04:45,755 --> 00:04:47,141
She's probably tired
110
00:04:47,166 --> 00:04:48,644
from all the booster
shots he's giving her.
111
00:04:48,668 --> 00:04:50,301
(laughter)
112
00:04:50,326 --> 00:04:53,872
- It's fun when you play.
- (phone chimes)
113
00:04:53,905 --> 00:04:57,283
All right, tease all you want.
Armand and I are happy.
114
00:04:57,454 --> 00:04:59,521
Armand?
115
00:04:59,546 --> 00:05:01,813
Is his last name "Douché"?
116
00:05:01,915 --> 00:05:03,180
(laughter)
117
00:05:03,205 --> 00:05:05,539
- Oh, my God.
- What?
118
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:08,463
Gary just broke up with me.
119
00:05:08,797 --> 00:05:10,930
- In a text?
- What did he say?
120
00:05:12,632 --> 00:05:14,515
I'm sorry. I need a minute.
121
00:05:17,307 --> 00:05:18,539
Poor Marjorie.
122
00:05:18,564 --> 00:05:21,148
Do you think this is some sort
of cosmic re-balancing?
123
00:05:21,173 --> 00:05:23,627
Like Wendy got a boyfriend
so Marjorie had to lose hers?
124
00:05:23,652 --> 00:05:25,859
It's the only plausible explanation.
125
00:05:26,831 --> 00:05:29,031
MARJORIE: Ow! Damn it!
126
00:05:29,452 --> 00:05:30,922
- (groans)
- What happened?
127
00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:34,188
Oh, I was looking at
my phone, and I fell,
128
00:05:34,213 --> 00:05:36,247
like the stupid old woman I am.
129
00:05:36,272 --> 00:05:39,537
Ow! Oh, I really hurt my wrist.
130
00:05:39,562 --> 00:05:41,562
Oh. We should get you to the ER.
131
00:05:41,587 --> 00:05:43,984
Which in Wendy's case
is the Erection Room.
132
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:46,466
No? I guess we're done.
133
00:05:46,491 --> 00:05:47,857
Go.
134
00:05:51,062 --> 00:05:53,873
Is it weird that I feel like
Teen People really gets me?
135
00:05:53,898 --> 00:05:55,631
No. You've got a youthful spirit
136
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,531
and a giant crush on Harry Styles.
137
00:05:59,531 --> 00:06:02,006
- Huge news.
- Is Marjorie all right?
138
00:06:02,031 --> 00:06:03,297
No idea.
139
00:06:03,552 --> 00:06:05,185
I did a little
sleuthing, and I found out
140
00:06:05,210 --> 00:06:06,687
that Wendy's boyfriend
is a cardiologist.
141
00:06:06,711 --> 00:06:08,014
So I called my girlfriend Jenna,
142
00:06:08,039 --> 00:06:09,584
whose husband is also a cardiologist,
143
00:06:09,609 --> 00:06:11,100
to see if she had the scoop on him.
144
00:06:11,125 --> 00:06:14,094
Ooh, good work. I bet he's a
model train guy or has a ferret.
145
00:06:14,119 --> 00:06:16,164
Thank you, but hold your ticket.
146
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,798
- He's married.
- BOTH: What?!
147
00:06:18,823 --> 00:06:21,475
- I know. I couldn't believe it, either.
- Do you think she knows?
148
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,970
Wendy would never date a married man.
149
00:06:22,994 --> 00:06:24,639
- We have to tell her.
- Do we?
150
00:06:24,664 --> 00:06:27,170
Last week, she cried when
the bistro ran out of soup.
151
00:06:27,195 --> 00:06:29,577
Of course we do. She's our
friend, and we care about her.
152
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:31,114
But it's gonna break her heart.
153
00:06:31,139 --> 00:06:32,779
If we don't tell her,
six months from now,
154
00:06:32,804 --> 00:06:34,348
she's gonna be in Palm Springs with him,
155
00:06:34,373 --> 00:06:36,707
and his wife's gonna find
out and set her car on fire.
156
00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,250
Who would do that?
157
00:06:38,275 --> 00:06:40,710
I always forget you weren't
around for those stories.
158
00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:43,001
I never actually set
anybody's car on fire.
159
00:06:43,374 --> 00:06:45,291
It's harder than you think.
160
00:06:45,393 --> 00:06:47,426
All right, well, so
who's gonna tell her?
161
00:06:47,451 --> 00:06:48,818
Not me. I've made her cry enough.
162
00:06:48,843 --> 00:06:50,275
I got the scoop. I've done my part.
163
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,654
Well, I don't want to do it.
164
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,227
I just got her over being scared of me.
165
00:06:53,252 --> 00:06:54,863
So we're in agreement.
If Marjorie doesn't die
166
00:06:54,888 --> 00:06:57,292
from wrist-related complications,
we'll make her tell Wendy.
167
00:06:57,472 --> 00:06:58,671
Good plan.
168
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:00,793
Here she comes. Shh.
169
00:07:01,097 --> 00:07:02,561
Oh, does my face look
like it knows too much?
170
00:07:02,586 --> 00:07:04,386
No, never.
171
00:07:04,561 --> 00:07:05,866
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
172
00:07:05,891 --> 00:07:08,178
- Hey.
- There she is.
173
00:07:09,617 --> 00:07:12,360
Marjorie's gonna be fine.
It's just a slight fracture.
174
00:07:12,385 --> 00:07:14,620
She's getting a cast, and
then we can take her home.
175
00:07:14,645 --> 00:07:15,744
- JILL: Great.
- Super.
176
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,975
So she's not gonna die.
177
00:07:22,366 --> 00:07:25,296
You know, you all didn't
have to come home with me.
178
00:07:25,321 --> 00:07:26,922
Well, I live here so
I was coming anyway.
179
00:07:28,139 --> 00:07:30,147
We just want to make sure you're okay.
180
00:07:30,172 --> 00:07:31,572
I'm fine.
181
00:07:31,648 --> 00:07:33,605
Doctor said my wrist will heal.
182
00:07:33,630 --> 00:07:35,095
Yeah, but you also just got dumped
183
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,307
in a text right before Valentine's Day.
184
00:07:37,771 --> 00:07:39,476
Thank you for reminding me.
185
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,456
We're all here because we love
you, and we just want to help.
186
00:07:42,481 --> 00:07:45,420
- Can I get you a pillow?
- If I need a pillow, I'll get one.
187
00:07:45,445 --> 00:07:48,163
Look around. It's like a
Pier 1 exploded in here.
188
00:07:49,038 --> 00:07:50,564
All right, no pillow.
189
00:07:50,589 --> 00:07:52,723
Do you want to talk about
what happened with Gary?
190
00:07:52,748 --> 00:07:54,314
No.
191
00:07:54,389 --> 00:07:56,661
- Are you gonna call him?
- No.
192
00:07:56,686 --> 00:07:59,620
Well, I say good riddance.
We never liked him anyway.
193
00:07:59,722 --> 00:08:00,921
- Jill!
- What?
194
00:08:01,099 --> 00:08:02,132
Who didn't like him?
195
00:08:02,157 --> 00:08:03,645
- All of us.
- Jill!
196
00:08:03,670 --> 00:08:05,736
What? I'm just telling her the truth.
197
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,738
And as someone who's
recently been dumped herself,
198
00:08:07,763 --> 00:08:09,183
I know what you're going through,
199
00:08:09,208 --> 00:08:10,932
and I just want to say, men suck.
200
00:08:11,977 --> 00:08:14,077
But Gary especially.
201
00:08:14,303 --> 00:08:15,684
Not all men suck.
202
00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:18,175
Adam's great, 80%, 85% of the time.
203
00:08:19,226 --> 00:08:20,960
And I've got a great guy, too.
204
00:08:26,442 --> 00:08:29,036
- What?
- Well, if we'd gotten some alone time
205
00:08:29,061 --> 00:08:30,526
with Marjorie, she'd tell you.
206
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,684
Tell her what?
207
00:08:32,988 --> 00:08:34,652
Okay, I'll jump in front of the bullet.
208
00:08:34,677 --> 00:08:36,244
Armand's married.
209
00:08:37,836 --> 00:08:40,236
I'm sorry. This must be devastating.
210
00:08:40,339 --> 00:08:41,605
Oh, I know he's married.
211
00:08:41,630 --> 00:08:43,195
- You do?
- Yeah.
212
00:08:43,297 --> 00:08:45,818
- Really?
- It's not ideal, but I'm okay with it.
213
00:08:45,843 --> 00:08:47,275
But you never break the rules.
214
00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:49,167
You won't even smuggle
popcorn into a movie,
215
00:08:49,192 --> 00:08:50,692
and I know 'cause I've asked you to.
216
00:08:50,717 --> 00:08:52,984
My purse was filled with cheeseburgers.
217
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,619
Wait a minute. Your
boyfriend is married?
218
00:08:56,644 --> 00:08:58,554
I know you're old and
injured, but try to keep up.
219
00:08:58,578 --> 00:09:00,145
(snaps)
220
00:09:00,324 --> 00:09:01,857
How are you okay with this?
221
00:09:01,882 --> 00:09:04,916
You don't understand. We
had an instant connection.
222
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:07,229
I've never been with
someone who's this into me.
223
00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:09,738
Yeah, well, I bet he was into
his wife at one point, too.
224
00:09:11,839 --> 00:09:14,536
Honey, he'll say he'll leave
her, but he's never going to.
225
00:09:14,749 --> 00:09:18,011
It's okay. I'm fine with
things the way they are.
226
00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:21,643
All right, since you didn't
have to break the news,
227
00:09:21,668 --> 00:09:23,779
you can jump right into your
lecture about how wrong this is.
228
00:09:23,803 --> 00:09:25,914
Do you want a glass of water,
cup of tea, or can you just go?
229
00:09:26,824 --> 00:09:29,373
- No lecture.
- Great. Straight to yelling.
230
00:09:29,808 --> 00:09:32,553
Mm, we can do anything
we want in sobriety
231
00:09:32,578 --> 00:09:36,144
as long as we're willing
to accept the consequences.
232
00:09:36,714 --> 00:09:38,348
Obviously, Marjorie is delirious.
233
00:09:38,373 --> 00:09:41,391
I'm jumping in. Somebody
make me some tea.
234
00:09:41,931 --> 00:09:43,731
I have dated my share of married men...
235
00:09:43,756 --> 00:09:45,585
Back when I was drinking, not proud...
236
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:47,368
And yes, the secrecy was exciting,
237
00:09:47,393 --> 00:09:49,720
and the thrill of that guy
getting something from me
238
00:09:49,745 --> 00:09:52,113
that he couldn't get from
his wife made me feel special.
239
00:09:54,287 --> 00:09:55,842
But here's what I didn't understand,
240
00:09:55,867 --> 00:09:57,282
because I wasn't married:
241
00:09:57,613 --> 00:10:00,179
That guy's wife is a
real person with feelings,
242
00:10:00,204 --> 00:10:02,319
and she probably suspects something.
243
00:10:02,594 --> 00:10:05,112
So don't think you're not hurting
someone, because you are.
244
00:10:06,415 --> 00:10:08,119
You know what I think?
245
00:10:08,745 --> 00:10:10,938
I'm happy and you can't stand it.
246
00:10:18,163 --> 00:10:19,963
Do you still want the tea?
247
00:10:26,071 --> 00:10:27,836
(gentle piano music playing)
248
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,593
- This is beautiful.
- Yeah.
249
00:10:29,618 --> 00:10:31,790
Does it count as one
of those six courses?
250
00:10:31,815 --> 00:10:33,360
'Cause I may want to pace myself.
251
00:10:33,392 --> 00:10:35,734
That is called an amuse-bouche.
252
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,211
I did not know that.
253
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:38,613
I was told while you
were in the bathroom,
254
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,078
after I said, "I hope the next course
255
00:10:40,103 --> 00:10:41,469
- comes on a bigger plate."
- Ah.
256
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,727
Well, it looks delicious.
Should I take a picture?
257
00:10:44,752 --> 00:10:46,652
No. I don't want to
be one of those people.
258
00:10:46,677 --> 00:10:47,776
Yes, I do.
259
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:50,531
You look gorgeous.
260
00:10:51,528 --> 00:10:53,394
I'm the luckiest man in the room.
261
00:10:53,496 --> 00:10:55,602
I got a look at the crowd
on the way to the bathroom,
262
00:10:55,627 --> 00:10:56,760
and yes, you are.
263
00:10:58,039 --> 00:11:01,227
I bought you a little
Valentine's Day gift.
264
00:11:01,309 --> 00:11:03,909
God, how much sex do you want tonight?
265
00:11:04,213 --> 00:11:06,157
W-We may have to push
till tomorrow morning,
266
00:11:06,182 --> 00:11:08,916
after six courses and
this bouche situation.
267
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,140
Hey, you two.
268
00:11:15,165 --> 00:11:16,489
Jill, what are you doing here?
269
00:11:16,514 --> 00:11:18,925
Oh, just picking up. I
paid for this months ago
270
00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:20,750
when I thought I would
still have a boyfriend,
271
00:11:20,786 --> 00:11:23,063
but at least I get to eat in
my sweats, so that's a win.
272
00:11:23,088 --> 00:11:25,522
(laughs) Well, enjoy your Valentine's.
273
00:11:25,701 --> 00:11:27,371
- Jill?
- Yeah.
274
00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,528
Would you like to join us?
275
00:11:28,894 --> 00:11:32,151
- Oh, no. This is a couples-only zone.
- No, come on, sit down.
276
00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:34,631
- Really?
- Absolutely.
277
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:38,068
Okay. I'll go ask for a chair.
278
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,757
You are so wonderful.
279
00:11:40,782 --> 00:11:42,419
Later, I'm gonna do something to you
280
00:11:42,444 --> 00:11:44,177
that's only legal in Thailand.
281
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,444
Okay, I know this isn't
the night you had planned,
282
00:11:49,469 --> 00:11:50,878
but I worked really
hard on these fajitas,
283
00:11:50,903 --> 00:11:52,337
and I think you're gonna like 'em.
284
00:11:52,484 --> 00:11:53,583
I'm not hungry.
285
00:11:53,608 --> 00:11:55,969
- Well, they're there if you want 'em.
- I won't.
286
00:11:55,994 --> 00:11:57,329
Then they're just there.
287
00:11:58,129 --> 00:11:59,565
I was gonna watch Bridget Jones's Diary.
288
00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:00,575
Is that okay with you?
289
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,735
A story about a woman who
can't keep her man? Why not?
290
00:12:03,821 --> 00:12:05,329
Oh, I also have RoboCop.
291
00:12:05,354 --> 00:12:07,094
Impossible to see your
current situation in that,
292
00:12:07,119 --> 00:12:09,553
unless there's something
about Gary you haven't told us.
293
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,511
I don't care.
294
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,914
I know this is hard for you,
295
00:12:14,939 --> 00:12:17,272
but you still have so
much to be grateful for.
296
00:12:17,587 --> 00:12:21,820
Like what? I'm old, I'm alone,
my bones snap like dry twigs,
297
00:12:21,845 --> 00:12:23,845
and I get to spend the next two weeks
298
00:12:23,870 --> 00:12:26,070
taking a shower with a
plastic bag on my arm.
299
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,794
Is there anything I can
do to make you feel better?
300
00:12:28,819 --> 00:12:32,497
Go back in time and tell me
not to dump Wayne for Gary.
301
00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:33,926
(sputters) I would if I could.
302
00:12:33,951 --> 00:12:36,584
Then I'd go further back in
time and invent the zipper.
303
00:12:36,609 --> 00:12:38,289
Though I don't know
when that was invented.
304
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:40,179
It'd be pretty embarrassing
if I show up and say,
305
00:12:40,204 --> 00:12:41,402
"Hey, look what I invented!"
306
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,157
Then the real zipper guy
is like, "Nice job, loser."
307
00:12:44,717 --> 00:12:46,544
Can you eat your
fajitas in your bedroom?
308
00:12:46,569 --> 00:12:47,840
Yes, I can.
309
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:53,571
- Wendy, right?
- I know. A married man?
310
00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:55,301
Mm. I can't stop thinking about it.
311
00:12:55,326 --> 00:12:57,092
I finally got her to
stop thinking about it,
312
00:12:57,117 --> 00:12:58,739
so can we change the subject?
313
00:12:58,764 --> 00:13:01,230
I'm even willing to go
back to panty liners.
314
00:13:01,518 --> 00:13:02,917
(Bonnie and Jill laugh)
315
00:13:03,019 --> 00:13:05,854
This was set to be my
worst Valentine's Day ever,
316
00:13:05,956 --> 00:13:07,419
and I'm having fun.
317
00:13:07,444 --> 00:13:10,473
Oh, I'd say my worst was
waking up in a Colombian jail.
318
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:11,764
Not sure how I got there.
319
00:13:11,789 --> 00:13:13,367
Something to do with
selling illegal eels.
320
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:14,858
(laughs)
321
00:13:15,298 --> 00:13:16,865
I was gonna tell a harrowing story
322
00:13:16,890 --> 00:13:18,455
about a flat tire in Fresno,
323
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,480
but I forgot who I
was having dinner with.
324
00:13:20,611 --> 00:13:22,563
It's hard to unseat the champ.
325
00:13:23,109 --> 00:13:24,575
Well, the truth is,
326
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,534
all my Valentine's Days were
the worst before I met you.
327
00:13:27,924 --> 00:13:29,291
Aw.
328
00:13:29,316 --> 00:13:31,719
I love you. Can I open my present now?
329
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,442
- There's a present? Go, go, go!
- (ringtone playing)
330
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:36,367
Oh, wait. No, no. Don't
open it till I'm off.
331
00:13:37,059 --> 00:13:38,092
Hey, Tammy.
332
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:39,583
Marjorie's gone down a rabbit hole,
333
00:13:39,608 --> 00:13:41,006
and I don't know what to do.
334
00:13:41,031 --> 00:13:42,397
She's sitting in the dark
335
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,122
muttering about giving her cats away
336
00:13:44,147 --> 00:13:45,846
to younger people.
337
00:13:46,954 --> 00:13:49,155
- Oh, no.
- What's going on?
338
00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:52,465
Marjorie's gone to a bad place,
and Tammy don't know what to do.
339
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:53,588
Who are you talking to?
340
00:13:53,618 --> 00:13:55,250
Oh, Bonnie. I'm out with her and Adam.
341
00:13:55,437 --> 00:13:57,971
Why are you...? Never
mind. Let me talk to her.
342
00:14:00,791 --> 00:14:02,157
Hey, Tam.
343
00:14:02,182 --> 00:14:04,816
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
344
00:14:07,175 --> 00:14:08,240
Uh-huh.
345
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,099
- Two more for dinner?
- Uh-huh.
346
00:14:14,598 --> 00:14:16,882
I heard about the whole Gary text thing.
347
00:14:16,907 --> 00:14:18,907
That's just messed up. I'm sorry.
348
00:14:19,010 --> 00:14:20,109
Thank you.
349
00:14:20,134 --> 00:14:21,386
He didn't like him, either.
350
00:14:22,309 --> 00:14:23,946
Did everyone hate Gary?
351
00:14:23,971 --> 00:14:27,272
Hate's a strong word,
but it's the right word.
352
00:14:27,684 --> 00:14:29,561
Why didn't anybody tell me?
353
00:14:29,663 --> 00:14:31,263
Well, you seemed so happy.
354
00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:33,421
And we didn't want to
rain on your sex parade.
355
00:14:33,446 --> 00:14:36,385
Oh, well, he was the grand
marshal of the sex parade.
356
00:14:36,410 --> 00:14:37,742
(laughs)
357
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:39,271
But if I'm completely honest,
358
00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,029
I sometimes found him challenging.
359
00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:43,555
- He could be a bit opinionated.
- And a little overbearing.
360
00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:45,981
- Kind of a know-it-all.
- He was a dick.
361
00:14:46,236 --> 00:14:48,903
Don't say "dick" in a swanky restaurant.
362
00:14:49,724 --> 00:14:53,084
I don't know about women...
but guys have a rule
363
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,210
that you don't bash
the ex until you're sure
364
00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:57,368
that they're not getting back together.
365
00:14:57,532 --> 00:14:59,935
Like the other person's
dead, preferably cremated
366
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,627
and you've looked inside the urn.
367
00:15:01,652 --> 00:15:04,052
(laughter)
368
00:15:04,231 --> 00:15:07,565
He broke up with me by text,
so, in the words of Taylor Swift,
369
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:10,228
"We are never, ever, ever
getting back together."
370
00:15:10,253 --> 00:15:11,533
(laughs)
371
00:15:11,558 --> 00:15:14,128
Well, for what it's worth, I
think you can do a lot better.
372
00:15:14,153 --> 00:15:15,452
Well, thank you.
373
00:15:15,899 --> 00:15:18,132
And I'm starting to feel
a little better, too.
374
00:15:18,311 --> 00:15:21,112
Maybe all I needed was
a night out with my gals.
375
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,630
Aw, you hear that?
You're one of the gals.
376
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:26,314
I'm honored. Though, I think the
people in this restaurant think
377
00:15:26,339 --> 00:15:28,076
I'm some sort of cult leader.
378
00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:29,900
(laughter)
379
00:15:30,753 --> 00:15:32,456
You know the one thing that's missing?
380
00:15:32,481 --> 00:15:34,982
Ketchup? I think they're
pretending they don't have any.
381
00:15:35,162 --> 00:15:37,394
Wendy. If I'm gonna have a
romantic Valentine's dinner
382
00:15:37,419 --> 00:15:39,720
with all my girlfriends,
she should be here.
383
00:15:40,279 --> 00:15:42,532
Excuse me. We're gonna
need another chair.
384
00:15:42,557 --> 00:15:44,191
And I get that you "don't have ketchup,"
385
00:15:44,369 --> 00:15:47,370
but do you have ranch or
barbecue sauce or mustard?
386
00:15:47,395 --> 00:15:49,674
Just looking for a little dip here, sir.
387
00:15:52,607 --> 00:15:53,973
I'm glad you called.
388
00:15:54,247 --> 00:15:55,746
Having a boyfriend who's with his wife
389
00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:57,503
on Valentine's Day is rough.
390
00:15:57,683 --> 00:16:00,135
Even though I violently
disagree with your choices,
391
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,230
I'm violently happy you're here.
392
00:16:04,122 --> 00:16:06,289
- One for you.
- (gasps)
393
00:16:06,314 --> 00:16:08,681
- One for you.
- Aw.
394
00:16:08,861 --> 00:16:09,960
One for you.
395
00:16:09,985 --> 00:16:11,517
- Oh.
- One for you.
396
00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:12,374
Oh.
397
00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:13,963
And two for you.
398
00:16:13,988 --> 00:16:15,889
- (laughs)
- I'm no dummy.
399
00:16:15,914 --> 00:16:17,367
(laughter)
400
00:16:17,392 --> 00:16:18,836
You know, you see this
happen in restaurants,
401
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:20,192
and it's the hokiest thing ever,
402
00:16:20,217 --> 00:16:22,217
and then it happens to
you, and it's so nice.
403
00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:23,827
You're a classy son of a bitch.
404
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,819
(gasps) Swanky. I forgot.
405
00:16:27,084 --> 00:16:30,069
- Should we give this another shot?
- Ooh, tiny box alert.
406
00:16:30,094 --> 00:16:31,594
(chuckles)
407
00:16:33,272 --> 00:16:35,638
Oh, Adam.
408
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:39,011
- It's beautiful.
- Oh, let me see!
409
00:16:39,276 --> 00:16:40,890
Oh, that's a nice weight.
410
00:16:40,915 --> 00:16:42,715
Oh, Adam, so elegant.
411
00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:45,984
- Really pretty.
- There's an inscription.
412
00:16:46,009 --> 00:16:47,542
Oh, yeah. Look, it says...
413
00:16:47,986 --> 00:16:49,452
Ooh, probably Bonnie should read it.
414
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:55,203
"No, sorry, no Linda here."
415
00:16:55,916 --> 00:16:57,139
What does that mean?
416
00:16:57,164 --> 00:16:58,964
Those are the first
words you ever said to me.
417
00:16:59,331 --> 00:17:00,609
When I called the wrong number
418
00:17:00,634 --> 00:17:02,074
that ended up being the right number.
419
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,281
You're amazing.
420
00:17:09,049 --> 00:17:11,098
I would like to propose a toast.
421
00:17:11,123 --> 00:17:12,733
To Adam Janikowski,
422
00:17:12,758 --> 00:17:15,780
who has made our friend
happier than she has ever been,
423
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:17,802
and he also puts up with all of us,
424
00:17:17,827 --> 00:17:19,760
which is something even
we have trouble doing.
425
00:17:19,785 --> 00:17:21,685
(laughter)
426
00:17:21,710 --> 00:17:23,518
I knew when I married Bonnie
427
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,276
that I was also marrying all of you.
428
00:17:25,301 --> 00:17:26,734
And I'm good with that.
429
00:17:26,759 --> 00:17:27,992
I love you guys.
430
00:17:28,017 --> 00:17:29,149
Oh.
431
00:17:29,373 --> 00:17:30,534
Pay attention, ladies.
432
00:17:30,559 --> 00:17:32,793
Don't settle for
anything less than this.
433
00:17:34,504 --> 00:17:36,204
Wendy, don't you even look at him.
434
00:17:46,017 --> 00:17:48,306
(humming)
435
00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:51,414
Well, somebody's got their sparkle back.
436
00:17:51,439 --> 00:17:52,618
Mm-hmm.
437
00:17:52,643 --> 00:17:55,278
Well, I stopped at the
farmer's market on the way here,
438
00:17:55,303 --> 00:17:57,833
and I got talking to the cantaloupe man.
439
00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:01,247
Long story short, we're
having coffee next Wednesday.
440
00:18:01,294 --> 00:18:04,466
Oh, thank God. I can put all the
sharp knives back in the kitchen.
441
00:18:04,841 --> 00:18:07,196
The good news is maybe it'll work out,
442
00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:09,477
but the better news
is, even if it doesn't,
443
00:18:09,502 --> 00:18:11,613
it's given me hope that
I've still got game.
444
00:18:11,638 --> 00:18:13,482
Mm. The best news is we can make jokes
445
00:18:13,507 --> 00:18:15,072
about him squeezing your melons.
446
00:18:15,097 --> 00:18:16,597
(laughter)
447
00:18:16,622 --> 00:18:18,888
Oh, I want a cantaloupe man.
448
00:18:19,144 --> 00:18:21,415
I really need to start
doing my own shopping.
449
00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:25,064
No. I'd rather be alone forever.
450
00:18:25,957 --> 00:18:28,591
It's 'cause those were the
first words I ever said to him.
451
00:18:28,669 --> 00:18:31,903
It was a wrong number.
Pretty magical story.
452
00:18:32,435 --> 00:18:34,585
Hey, Bonnie, can I talk
to you for a second?
453
00:18:34,610 --> 00:18:37,728
Yeah. Later, I'll show you
pictures of our dinner.
454
00:18:37,753 --> 00:18:40,220
My phone put them into a little
video with sentimental music.
455
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,844
It's actually very moving.
456
00:18:43,726 --> 00:18:45,125
What's up?
457
00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:47,716
I just want to let you know
that Armand and I broke up.
458
00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:51,633
I'm sorry, but I do think
you made the right choice.
459
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:53,984
It wasn't my choice. It was his.
460
00:18:57,984 --> 00:18:59,850
But can we say it was mine?
461
00:18:59,999 --> 00:19:01,399
That's what I heard.
462
00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:06,423
-
Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
--
for www.addic7ed.com --
35004