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1
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:30,731
( rock music playing )
2
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:34,268
WOMAN: One, two.
One, two, three, four!
3
00:00:38,973 --> 00:00:44,945
♪ I've been out of the woods
For six days and nights now ♪
4
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:50,951
♪ And I'm a little hard-wired
But I'm feeling
All right now ♪
5
00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:56,991
♪ I got some money in my pocket
And I won't need a ride
Yeah ♪
6
00:00:56,991 --> 00:01:02,129
♪ Got a big-jetted car
And a baby by my side, yeah ♪
7
00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:05,833
♪ Well, I'm a little hard-wired
But I'm feeling okay ♪
8
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,903
♪ And I got a little lost
Out along the way ♪
9
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:12,373
♪ But I'm just
Around the corner
To the light of day ♪
10
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:14,875
♪ Yeah ♪
11
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:19,480
♪ I'm just around the corner
To the light of day, yeah ♪
12
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:26,821
♪ I'm drivin' 500 miles
Got 500 to go, yeah ♪
13
00:01:26,821 --> 00:01:31,926
♪ I've got rock 'n' roll music
On my radio ♪♪
14
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:34,795
Look, Debbie!
15
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,998
Oh, my God, hi!
How are you?
16
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:40,734
We watch your show all the time.
Good to see you.
17
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:45,139
Thank you. Thank you.
All right. You have a good day.
18
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,541
( all screaming ):
Bye!
19
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:54,248
MAN:
They say the only luck
is the luck you make.
20
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:57,451
In the winter of '88,
I was the luckiest man alive.
21
00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:01,889
I had it all-- fame, fortune
and my own parking space...
22
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:04,024
at Harrisburg's
trendiest bistro.
23
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:07,261
I would have done anything
to keep it all.
24
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,463
And, unfortunately,
I did.
25
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,236
Jack, how are ya?
Good morning, Mr. Richards.
26
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,204
Did you get a haircut?
Oh, yes.
27
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:20,174
Yeah, it looks good.
Don't get too good-looking.
I'll be out of a job.
28
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,710
( chuckles ): Oh, how about
this winter weather, eh?
29
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:25,479
Farmer's Almanac
sure didn't get it
right this year.
30
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,582
"Caterpillar in June,
cold winter soon."
That's what they said.
31
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:32,887
Well, amateurs, jack.
Hillbilly folklore,
that's all it is.
32
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:35,389
You should write
your own almanac,
Mr. Richards.
33
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,958
Something people
could believe in.
34
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:40,394
Maybe one day I will, Jack.
Maybe one day I will.
35
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,930
Enjoy your breakfast.
Good morning.
36
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,932
Wendy, how are you?
Just fine.
37
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:49,103
Yeah. How's the cold?
Oh, it's just allergies,
I think.
38
00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:51,138
Really? Oh, not allergic
to me, are you?
39
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:55,576
No. ( laughs )
I don't think so.
40
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,479
You're so bad.
Guilty as charged.
41
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,315
I'll be right back
with your cantaloupe
and egg whites.
42
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,118
Okay. You pick me a ripe one.
Excuse me, Mr. Richards.
43
00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:05,786
I'm sorry to bother you,
but can I get a picture?
44
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,321
Well, sure.
It's my son's birthday,
45
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,923
and he saw you walk in.
46
00:03:08,923 --> 00:03:11,559
What's your name, Skipper?
Sam.
47
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,928
Sam. Well, you're
a big fella, Samarino.
48
00:03:13,928 --> 00:03:15,930
How old are you today?
Twenty-seven?
49
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:17,932
( chuckles ):
I'm five.
50
00:03:17,932 --> 00:03:21,001
Five? Well,
how's the wife?
51
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:24,071
All right.
Happy birthday.
52
00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:27,274
Thanks for coming by. All right.
Thank you.
53
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:29,610
Oh, you gotta love it.
Wow.
54
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:32,780
You're Russ Richards,
aren't you?
55
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,282
Last time I checked.
Well, hello!
56
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:37,284
Hi. Here.
57
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:41,655
Let me guess.
Mmm. It's a resume
of some sort,
58
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:44,024
and you're looking for a job
in broadcasting.
59
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,627
Yeah, just read it.
Asshole.
60
00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,665
You are Mr. Lucky today.
61
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,802
I found you the ripest melon
in Harrisburg.
62
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:58,639
CHIPMUNKS:
♪ Christmas don't be late ♪♪
Fuck!
63
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:01,842
ANNOUNCER:
Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.
64
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:07,147
Covering Harrisburg, York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,
65
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,184
it's News at Five with
Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
66
00:04:10,184 --> 00:04:13,153
and Russ Richards
with the weather.
67
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:22,463
This is News at Five.
68
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:26,867
MAN: Good evening.
A Perry County teacher
is behind bars tonight...
69
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:31,271
for allegedly locking
an unruly student
in a broom closet.
70
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,240
That story coming up.
71
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,609
But first, let's check in
with the weather center...
72
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,446
to see if these beautiful
spring-like temperatures
will continue.
73
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,116
Russ?
Yes, it's the middle
of December,
74
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:45,219
and we still have more
60-degree weather
heading our way.
75
00:04:45,219 --> 00:04:48,088
Now don't panic, folks.
You're not in the twilight zone.
76
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,557
( humming theme
from Twilight Zone )
77
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,594
Now, on the downside,
if the weather gets any nicer,
78
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,230
my Aunt Mildred could move back
from Ft. Lauderdale.
79
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:58,165
Just kidding.
A wonderful woman.
80
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:01,468
Anyhoo, I'll be back
with a complete forecast
a little later.
81
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,137
Take it, Dan.
82
00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:06,473
Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.
83
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,743
MAN:
And now the fourth.
84
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,980
WOMAN:
Eleven.
85
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,582
MAN:
And the fifth number, please.
86
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:17,584
Hi, Russ.
WOMAN: Thirty.
87
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,386
Hey, Dottie.
How are you?
88
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:21,388
Oh, still struggling
with the diet.
Oh, yeah?
89
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:23,691
Don't get too thin.
It's not good for you.
90
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,759
Eight.
91
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,064
MAN:
And there you have it.
92
00:05:30,064 --> 00:05:34,568
Tonight's Pennsylvania
lottery number: 19, 47,
93
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:38,972
3, 11, 30, 8.
94
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,308
If you have it,
come and get it.
95
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:44,878
If not,
better luck next time.
Back to you, Dan.
96
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:48,115
We gonna talk about this?
There's nothing
to talk about, cochise.
97
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:52,319
I told you no more loans.
Penn Fed's down the street.
This is not--
98
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:54,922
This is not--
99
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:58,992
This is not a loan, this is
an advance. Stop acting like
it's coming out of your pocket.
100
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,962
If you didn't piss
your money away, you
wouldn't need an advance.
101
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:05,966
Now what is it this week--
racquetball courts?
Peewee golf?
102
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,469
Snowmobiles. You know it.
I told you that.
103
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:11,271
Jesus Christ.
It's exhausting with you.
104
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:14,308
Snowmobiles. How's business?
105
00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:17,111
When this heat wave ends,
I'm golden.
106
00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:20,147
Well, you're the weatherman.
End it.
( groans )
107
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,782
Where the hell is he?
Crystal!
108
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:24,752
How many times do I have to tell
those guys about the cables?
109
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:28,288
I almost broke my fucking neck
on live television!
110
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,090
Yeah.
111
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,626
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize you were
in the middle of a meeting.
112
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:35,996
No, it's okay.
It's okay. Calm down.
113
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,698
Calm down.
You know--
114
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,534
Come with me.
I have to leave, of course.
115
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,870
I talked to them
about this thing.
It's never gonna happen again.
116
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,340
All right? Just relax.
It's not gonna happen again.
117
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:49,376
Hi, boss.
Hello. How you doing, Bobby?
118
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,378
I can't do
the Olive Garden tonight.
119
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,547
( scoffs ): My wife invited
a few people over.
120
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,984
I've gotta eat at home.
That's just great, Dick.
121
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,986
No, you know what?
I am tired of this bullshit.
122
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:02,456
Hey, hey, hey.
Easy. Come on.
123
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,992
Remember, we got
that affiliates thing
coming up.
124
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,994
Uh-huh.
Six days in Hawaii.
125
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:10,097
Mm-hmm.
Eating like pigs.
126
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,099
Christ, you got
some body on you.
127
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,968
( giggles ): Tell me something
I don't know.
128
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,742
Do we have anything else
to talk about? I think
we're through here.
129
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:25,179
Unless you
want to torture me about
the fucking weather chopper.
130
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,781
Like that was a bad idea.
Weather chopper?
131
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,885
Come on, I'm a weatherman.
You know what the truth is?
132
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,854
I feel bad for you, Dick.
I do.
133
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:36,657
Because one day
you're gonna wake up,
and you're gonna realize...
134
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:40,160
that you had a diamond
in the palm of your hand
and you let it slip away.
135
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,462
To where, Atlantic city?
136
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,432
Oh, that's what this is about.
To be a big game show host.
137
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,868
That's right.
I hear everything.
138
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:51,305
I'm like a satellite
in outer space.
Did you get your audition?
139
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:55,642
My agent is all over it.
Right.
140
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,648
RUSS:
Mace Kornberg, please.
141
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:04,718
Yes, this is Russ Richards.
Mm-hmm.
142
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:09,122
You know, this is getting
a little ridiculous.
143
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,225
I've already left,
like, five messages.
144
00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:16,930
All right, your boss,
Mace Kornberg,
saw me on TV, okay?
145
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,300
He loved me, okay?
He wants to represent me.
146
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,170
We-- we sat at
my personal booth at Denny's...
147
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:26,006
for over an hour,
and I told him
all about myself.
148
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:30,444
And now for some reason,
he's not returning
my phone calls.
149
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:35,949
Well, what part of that
was too long?
150
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:41,555
Well, just-- just tell him that
Russ Richards called, okay?
Thank you.
151
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,325
( sighs )
152
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:48,161
What's happening?
Still not there?
153
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,664
Nah, but, you know,
the whole agency
is out for the week.
154
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,634
A retreat or something.
What's a retreat?
155
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:57,704
Oh, I'm not sure,
but I think it's
a religious thing.
156
00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,073
Hey, I got some
great news for you.
Oh, yeah?
157
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:04,111
Yeah, remember I told you
about my brother's car,
the one that was in a wreck?
158
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:07,381
For the sake of expediency,
I am going to say yes.
159
00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:09,383
Well, he's finally ready
to sell it.
160
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,686
It's all pounded out,
repainted, and ready to go.
161
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:16,156
Beautiful lime-green finish.
Looks just like a popsicle.
162
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,026
Now, Larry,
is there some reason
that I should know this?
163
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:24,531
Well, just if you decide
the Jag is too much
of an extravagance, you know.
164
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,566
I'm not selling the Jag.
165
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:29,369
I'd sell my body parts
to South America
before I'd sell that Jag.
166
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,238
Okay. You're the boss.
167
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:34,408
Yeah, I am the boss.
And here's another
news flash for you.
168
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:36,610
I'm not losing
the house either.
169
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,479
You know what you laymen
fail to realize?
170
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:43,083
It's not about
the snowmobiles. Come on.
171
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,885
It's about the weather, okay?
172
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,387
One cold front,
a little moist air, and bam!
173
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:52,092
Yeah, I'm Rockefeller.
I'm on Broadway.
I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.
174
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,127
Yeah!
175
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,363
( moaning ):
Oh, God!
176
00:09:56,363 --> 00:10:01,501
Oh, whip me forever!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
177
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:04,304
( both moaning )
178
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,309
( Russ sighs )
179
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:18,952
Boy, whew!
That is always
such a treat.
180
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:22,723
Oh, with Dick, it's like
having sex with a sloth.
181
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:25,993
Don't put that image
in my head.
182
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,529
Here. Try this
just one time.
183
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,298
No.
Yeah, it'll help you relax.
184
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:36,103
No! I don't even
want a contact high.
It makes me nauseous.
185
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:39,272
You shouldn't even
be smoking it.
You're the lotto girl.
186
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:42,042
You practically work
for the state.
Put it out.
187
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,910
Okay, I'm putting it out.
188
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:46,913
I have a question to ask you.
Yeah?
189
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:50,283
If you had an agent,
and you tried to get him
for two weeks,
190
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:53,487
you tried eight times and
he didn't return your call,
what would you think?
191
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:56,023
Um--
Huh?
192
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,692
I can't relate.
I've never had a guy
not call me back.
193
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:03,130
Oh!
I just don't get it.
194
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:06,099
When I met-- I met this guy,
he was-- he was gushing.
195
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,136
He wanted to do this for me,
he wanted to do that.
196
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:12,305
I've had my ass kissed,
but this was really special.
197
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:17,911
So, he is officially your agent,
right? It's not like
you just had that one meeting.
198
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,980
It's splitting hairs
here, you know.
199
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,082
I mean, it was clear
he wanted to sign me.
200
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,284
You know what
he said to me?
201
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:27,320
He said that I delivered
the weather forecast
with a Shakespearean flair.
202
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,956
( chuckles ): Was he drunk?
203
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:33,493
No, he wasn't drunk.
What's wrong with you?
204
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,596
Look. If the guy's
not returning your calls,
then fire his ass.
205
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,965
Just hire someone else.
What's the biggie?
206
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,967
Do you know
who Mace Kornberg is?
Uh-uh.
207
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:44,438
Do you have any idea of
the pedigree of this man?
No.
208
00:11:44,438 --> 00:11:46,406
Here's a little primer
for you.
209
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,675
He only handled Gene Rayburn
at the height of the Match Game.
210
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,610
That's all.
211
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,779
Wow. All right,
so he is kind of a big shot.
212
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:54,948
Yeah, congratulations.
You just won the Cutlass.
213
00:11:54,948 --> 00:12:00,187
I wouldn't be caught dead
driving a Cutlass, thank you.
I'll trade it in.
214
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:03,256
Well, how about
door number two?
215
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,258
Old reliable.
216
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,294
( giggles ): Wait.
217
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,280
You're in a very small,
select group of guys.
218
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,282
What is it that makes you
successful...
219
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,219
and all the others
knocking on the doors
not so successful?
220
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,354
Well, I'm not so sure.
You know, as I travel
around the country,
221
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:37,524
I see on television,
I see guys that would make
good game show hosts.
222
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,593
But I don't tell them.
223
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:45,065
No. I think, to me,
the analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake,
224
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,267
but the format
is the cake.
225
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,769
Yeah, format is the cake.
To me, Dick Clark,
226
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:54,274
for all the things
he does, is an outstanding
game show host.
227
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:58,378
He stays out of the way.
He lets the format work.
228
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:03,817
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!
229
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:07,687
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!
230
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,458
( TV continues, indistinct )
231
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:15,262
So, Russ, it sounds like
we can keep those scarves
and mittens...
232
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,664
in mothballs
a while longer then.
233
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,332
That's what it sounds
like, Dan.
234
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:22,102
And the sleds and snowmobiles
can stay in the garage.
235
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:26,206
That is correct, Heidi.
I think we all get the point.
236
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:29,242
DAN: Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.
237
00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:40,387
( answering machine beeps )
Hello. You have one message.
238
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,255
( beep )
239
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:47,494
MAN:
Uh, yes. This message
is for Rob Richards.
240
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:50,797
This is Sandy from
the Gabler-Kornberg agency.
241
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:54,568
I'm sorry no one got back
to you sooner, but we were
away on a retreat.
242
00:13:54,568 --> 00:13:56,102
Apology accepted, Sandy.
243
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:57,704
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know...
244
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,639
that Mr. Kornberg is dead.
245
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,841
He passed away
around eight months ago.
246
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,644
Oh!
I'm sure had he not,
he would've returned your call.
247
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,746
Oh, jeez!
For what it's worth,
he went quickly.
248
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:08,848
Yeah. Yep.
Bye-bye.
249
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,551
( beep )
That was your last message.
250
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,821
( sighs ): Yep,
that was my last message.
251
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,969
( rock music playing )
252
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,343
Russ, let me get
this straight.
You don't drink.
253
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:40,680
You don't do coke.
You're not a pussy hound.
254
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,516
Well, what the fuck
did you blow your money on?
255
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,518
It just--
It just went, okay?
256
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:48,888
Does it matter?
What was that?
257
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,890
That's Carla,
the human cannon.
258
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:54,060
Oh, she's good.
She's Dutch.
259
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:57,631
Russ, we go way back.
Right.
260
00:14:57,631 --> 00:15:02,135
And I like you.
I do. I'm a fan.
But 25 grand.
261
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:05,005
I just don't think
I can lay my hands on
that kind of money.
262
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:07,073
Oh.
Especially now.
263
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:10,910
I'm going through
a very messy divorce.
264
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,912
I'm sure you understand.
Sure.
265
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,181
I do now.
266
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:18,852
Okay. Take care, Gig.
Thanks a lot. Take care.
267
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:22,922
Hypothetically speaking though,
it's not like you're a man
without options.
268
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,991
What do you mean?
269
00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:27,560
Well, you do have options.
270
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:31,531
What are they?
Come. Speak up. Hello?
271
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,833
Take your glasses off.
272
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:37,737
( hums )
Well, what is that?
273
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:41,841
Russ, I assume you have
insurance on your dealership.
274
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,977
Yeah, so?
275
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,880
Don't you think now would be
the appropriate time to,
you know,
276
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,283
make a few claims on, you know,
some of those premiums?
277
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,853
Oh, God. Oh, jeez!
278
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:55,655
Are you talking
about arson?
279
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,558
The last thing you
want to get involved
with, mate, is arson.
280
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,894
Well, that's right.
Yes, of course not.
281
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:04,364
No, the way to beat
an insurance company these days
is with a phony robbery.
282
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,766
Oh, God.
( scoffs )
283
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:14,040
You are veering in that
direction. That makes me
very uncomfortable, Gig.
284
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,711
First of-- look.
If I weren't, okay,
the president of the Rotary,
285
00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:20,146
the vice president
of the Sunshiny Day Club...
286
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,182
and I'm a Big Brother, Gig.
287
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,951
Russ, it's your money.
288
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,853
( sighs )
289
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:31,925
The insurance company
is earning interest off it.
290
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:35,929
I mean, the whole
"man of the people,"
nice guy thing,
291
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:40,200
it's very quaint,
but don't you think it's time
to put a cap on it, hmm?
292
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,470
( exhales )
293
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,905
Well, how would it work?
294
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,475
You know, like, you know,
hypothetically speaking.
295
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,244
How would, you know,
how would it go down?
296
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,581
Well, it's nothing.
No?
297
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,684
If I were to put it
in medical terms...
298
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,820
where you would
equate brain surgery
with a bank robbery,
299
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,022
this would be like a visit
to the podiatrist.
300
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,959
Hmm.
And it just so happens...
301
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,795
I have an acquaintance
named Dale who is a specialist
in this sort of thing.
302
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:12,599
It's a very simple
procedure, Russ.
303
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:16,302
The whole thing would take...
40 minutes.
304
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,905
Forty? Wow.
305
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:22,075
Forty minutes, tops.
306
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:25,745
Dale arrives at your dealership
on a prearranged night
with his crew.
307
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:30,083
MAN:
♪ It's so easy to blow up
Your problems ♪♪
308
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:33,420
( music continues )
Finds his way inside.
309
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:38,091
Leaves the telltale signs
of a break-in...
310
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,093
and gains entrance.
311
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:44,898
Then it's just a simple matter
of getting the sleds
out the back door.
312
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:50,670
I mean, the actual extraction
process is the easiest bit.
313
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,907
And, uh, that's that.
314
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:59,279
All that's left is between
you and your insurance company.
315
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:06,519
End of story.
Easy as pie.
316
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:11,090
I, of course, would command
you know, the standard
20% consultation fee.
317
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,227
I figured that.
You know, it's up to you, Russ.
318
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,863
I mean, only you know
if you're ready for
something like this.
319
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,834
That visit to the podiatrist.
320
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,904
Well, it's like removing
a bunion or something.
321
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,006
An ingrown toenail,
at the very most.
322
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:31,344
Funny. Okay. Okay.
Well, make the call then.
323
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,746
Good choice.
324
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:37,784
♪ I was in the right place
But it must have been
The wrong time ♪
325
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:43,223
♪ I was saying the right things
But I must have used
The wrong line ♪
326
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:47,160
♪ I was on the right trip ♪
All right.
327
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,028
Let's do this cocksucker.
328
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:52,932
( music continues )
All right.
Let's do it.
329
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:58,104
♪ I've been runnin', tryin'
To get hung up in my mind ♪
330
00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:01,708
This is so cool.
You can just come in here
anytime you want.
331
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:04,878
Yeah, I got the keys,
don't I?
332
00:19:04,878 --> 00:19:08,047
All right. This one's
for Charlie Hustle, okay?
333
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:10,850
The pricks wanna keep him
out of Cooperstown?
334
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:14,654
♪ I was in the wrong place
But it must have been
The right time ♪
335
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,489
Home run.
♪ I was in the right place ♪
336
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:20,226
It's happening
right this second.
Send a squad car now!
337
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:25,899
♪ I was in the right world
But it seemed like a wrong
Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪♪
338
00:19:25,899 --> 00:19:28,568
( sirens wailing )
Come on. Move it!
339
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:32,672
Let me just ask you
one question, your honor.
Where's my bat?
340
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:36,042
Don't worry about
your bat, asshole.
341
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,711
( phone ringing )
342
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,616
( ring )
343
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,019
Yeah?
I'm gonna break
your fuckin' face, man.
344
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:48,354
What?
You better have
a bag of money down here...
345
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,257
the split fuckin' second
they set bail, or I'm going to
tell them who hired me.
346
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:54,994
Who is this?
I also want an extra ten grand
for pain and suffering.
347
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,664
Are we clear, weatherman?
No, we're not clear.
348
00:19:57,664 --> 00:19:59,699
We're the furthest thing
from clear.
349
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,734
I don't even know
who you are.
350
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,570
Look. A second ago
I was asleep.
351
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,706
And two seconds ago,
I was in a blueberry field
with my mother,
352
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,508
and we were getting
along really well.
353
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,010
Save that bullshit
for your psychiatrist.
I want my ten grand.
354
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,979
Stop it!
Stop saying that!
355
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,014
I don't have ten grand
to give you.
Oh, no?
356
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,417
You'd better sell something
or kill someone.
I don't care!
357
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,419
You just get me
my fucking money!
358
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,287
What--
( dial tone )
359
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,958
( sighs )
360
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:48,948
Okay, Russ.
It's gonna be a better day.
361
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:51,718
WOMAN: Russ Richards! Hi!
How are you?
362
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:53,786
Merry Christmas.
363
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,889
Okay. Mmm.
364
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,596
Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love.
What are you doing here?
365
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,398
Problem.
What?
366
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:07,800
Dale the thug's getting
a bit pissy about his ten grand.
367
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,535
Dale the thug?
Dale the thug?
368
00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:12,472
That's his nickname?
When did that happen?
Yeah.
369
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:15,575
Oh, that's childhood issues.
Trust me, you don't wanna know.
370
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:19,145
He was fine for a day or two,
but now he's had time to stew,
you see?
371
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:22,281
Good morning.
What can I get you?
372
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:25,618
Can I have coffee?
But with whole milk.
Okay.
373
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,754
And do you have those
little apple pastries?
Wendy.
374
00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:30,590
The apple pastries
with the cinnamon swirls.
He's not staying.
375
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,259
He's leaving, okay?
Okay.
376
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:35,528
Okay. All right.
Thanks for asking.
377
00:21:35,528 --> 00:21:37,397
( giggling )
378
00:21:37,397 --> 00:21:39,999
I cannot be seen with you.
I am a public figure.
379
00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:43,102
Russ, you don't return my calls.
I'm doing you the favor.
380
00:21:43,102 --> 00:21:46,973
And if there's a Dale the thug
issue on the table,
time tends to be of the essence.
381
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:51,978
Gig, I'm tapped out.
All the money I got for the Jag,
I barely covered his bail.
382
00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:54,447
I am not having this
conversation here with you.
383
00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:56,649
Th-there's an omelette named
after me, for God's sake!
384
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,884
What's in it?
You leave that alone!
385
00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:59,252
You leave and just go!
386
00:21:59,252 --> 00:22:01,220
Really? Really.
I'll follow you. Yes!
387
00:22:03,423 --> 00:22:05,158
Hmm. Well, I'll--
388
00:22:05,158 --> 00:22:07,694
Um, Russ, I'll just
be outside then?
389
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:11,998
Oh, God!
Right?
390
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:13,733
Let's go.
On top of everything else,
391
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:15,902
they've impounded
his baseball bat
as evidence.
392
00:22:15,902 --> 00:22:19,172
He bought it at an auction.
Pete Rose hit with it
or some shit like that.
393
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:21,307
He shouldn't have used it then.
Christ, even a plumber knows...
394
00:22:21,307 --> 00:22:23,443
to take his ring off
before he snakes the drain.
395
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:24,944
Well, you screwed up,
he got pinched.
396
00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:26,612
I-I did not screw up!
397
00:22:26,612 --> 00:22:29,115
I can't control
the sexual appetite
of my employee.
398
00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:32,385
I mean, either way,
you're gonna have to
pay for it.
399
00:22:34,987 --> 00:22:38,725
You know, why don't you
just do this? Take-- Just--
Just get it over with.
400
00:22:38,725 --> 00:22:41,094
Why don't you just
set up an appointment
at his convenience...
401
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:44,464
to come break my legs
or kick me in the nuts,
or whatever he does?
402
00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:46,699
Well, you know what?
I very much doubt
it'll be the latter.
403
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:50,369
That's practically
how he treats his friends.
404
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,505
You know, Russ, I've been
thinking about your situation,
405
00:22:52,505 --> 00:22:54,440
and it occurs to me
that sometimes in life...
406
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:58,845
the greatest opportunities
are sitting right under
your nose.
407
00:22:58,845 --> 00:23:02,749
The only thing under my nose
is this place mat with
the presidents up to Carter.
408
00:23:02,749 --> 00:23:05,084
Am I missing something?
The lottery.
409
00:23:05,084 --> 00:23:07,186
Oh, that is so stupid!
410
00:23:07,186 --> 00:23:10,957
You think that my playing
the lottery is going to solve
all my problems?
411
00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:14,627
Not playing the lottery,
winning the lottery.
412
00:23:14,627 --> 00:23:17,697
You got that lotto ball machine
down at the station, right?
413
00:23:17,697 --> 00:23:21,067
All I'm saying is
a little razzle-dazzle,
you're set for life.
414
00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:25,071
Gig, I just came off
a botched phony robbery.
415
00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:28,441
Let me bask in that for a while
before I start thinking
about tampering...
416
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:31,110
with the fucking
state lottery!
417
00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:33,012
I'm not talking
out of my ass here.
418
00:23:33,012 --> 00:23:35,348
I do have experience
with this sort of thing.
Really.
419
00:23:35,348 --> 00:23:37,350
Yeah. About ten years ago,
Great.
420
00:23:37,350 --> 00:23:40,153
before I washed up
on these golden shores,
421
00:23:40,153 --> 00:23:42,421
I rigged a bingo game
in my local church hall.
422
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:43,956
Church hall, huh?
423
00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:47,460
Weighed down
a few ping-pong balls,
Bob's your uncle!
424
00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:49,495
I walked away
with a fucking lawn mower.
425
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:52,431
Oh, a lawn mower. Wow.
This is not War and Peace,
426
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:55,034
merely the concept
of gravity.
427
00:23:55,034 --> 00:23:57,503
No, no,
the concept of gravity...
428
00:23:57,503 --> 00:24:00,540
is when you fall down
and you break your head open.
429
00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:03,042
Well, your glass
is obviously half empty.
430
00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:05,845
No, Gig, my glass
is totally empty.
431
00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:07,380
Watch it!
Hate you!
432
00:24:07,380 --> 00:24:09,315
Calm down!
Bastard!
433
00:24:09,315 --> 00:24:11,083
Calm down.
You're acting like a child.
434
00:24:11,083 --> 00:24:12,385
You're acting like a child.
435
00:24:12,385 --> 00:24:14,654
Stop! Calm down, please.
You promised!
436
00:24:14,654 --> 00:24:17,390
What do you want me to do?
What's going on?
437
00:24:17,390 --> 00:24:19,292
Everything's fine.
Thank you.
438
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:21,928
She told me she wanted to go.
What do you want me to say?
"I'm sorry,
439
00:24:21,928 --> 00:24:24,230
I'm banging the lotto ball girl,
and I promised her first."
440
00:24:24,230 --> 00:24:27,834
I don't believe this
'cause I bought sandals
in December for no reason!
441
00:24:27,834 --> 00:24:31,537
Well, I'll take you
the next time. In June,
I have a conference in Seattle.
442
00:24:31,537 --> 00:24:33,739
Take your wife
to fucking Seattle,
all right?
443
00:24:33,739 --> 00:24:36,175
I wanted to go to Maui,
you asshole!
444
00:24:36,175 --> 00:24:38,845
Oh, I'm an asshole.
Am I the same asshole...
445
00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:41,247
that takes you out to dinner
and buys you fancy European
underwear?
446
00:24:41,247 --> 00:24:43,416
Try to get that
from the weatherman,
447
00:24:43,416 --> 00:24:45,852
who I notice you've been
awfully chatty with these days.
448
00:24:45,852 --> 00:24:48,788
Blow me.
449
00:24:48,788 --> 00:24:50,890
Is everything okay?
Yes, everything's fine!
450
00:24:50,890 --> 00:24:54,727
MAN:
♪ I'm dreamin' of a white ♪
451
00:24:56,329 --> 00:24:58,731
♪ Christmas ♪
452
00:24:59,899 --> 00:25:02,835
♪ Just like the ones ♪
453
00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:04,704
♪ I used to know ♪
454
00:25:06,372 --> 00:25:11,310
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
455
00:25:11,310 --> 00:25:15,781
♪ And children listen ♪
456
00:25:15,781 --> 00:25:21,821
♪ To hear sleigh bells
In the snow ♪
457
00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:27,326
♪ Oh, I'm ♪
458
00:25:27,326 --> 00:25:30,563
♪ Dreamin' of a white ♪♪
459
00:25:30,563 --> 00:25:33,032
( music fades )
I have to ask you something.
460
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:36,569
What?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
461
00:25:36,569 --> 00:25:38,771
I don't know how
to ask you this.
( exhales )
462
00:25:38,771 --> 00:25:41,974
Just ask.
I wouldn't blame you
if you said no.
463
00:25:41,974 --> 00:25:45,344
As a matter of fact,
I already expect you to say no.
464
00:25:45,344 --> 00:25:48,781
But I need your help
on something.
465
00:25:48,781 --> 00:25:52,251
( screams ):
We're gonna be millionaires!
I can't believe this!
466
00:25:52,251 --> 00:25:55,755
I have to admit,
I thought it would be
a slightly harder sell.
467
00:26:01,694 --> 00:26:03,829
All right,
most important thing...
468
00:26:03,829 --> 00:26:07,133
is getting alone
with that machine...
469
00:26:07,133 --> 00:26:09,602
five minutes before
and five minutes after
the broadcast.
470
00:26:09,602 --> 00:26:12,305
That's key.
Absolutely. That's
as key as it gets.
471
00:26:12,305 --> 00:26:15,875
Five minutes before,
five minutes after.
Did you hear that, Crystal?
472
00:26:15,875 --> 00:26:18,277
I'm two inches away.
How could I not hear it?
473
00:26:18,277 --> 00:26:21,347
You better start
taking notes, 'cause when Gig
and I start hashing it out,
474
00:26:21,347 --> 00:26:24,984
there's gonna be lot of gold
flying around here, and I don't
want to miss any of it.
475
00:26:24,984 --> 00:26:27,954
Okay? N-Now the first
piece of gold is this.
Yeah.
476
00:26:27,954 --> 00:26:30,222
I think someone
should call in
a bomb scare.
477
00:26:30,222 --> 00:26:34,927
Then the building gets
evacuated, and I'm alone
with the lotto balls.
478
00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:37,129
Okay? Are you
writing this down?
479
00:26:37,129 --> 00:26:40,599
When we decide,
I will write it down.
It's good, right?
480
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:44,303
Russ, um, forgive me.
Just a second.
481
00:26:44,303 --> 00:26:48,374
You call in a bomb scare,
they evacuate the building,
Mm-hmm.
482
00:26:48,374 --> 00:26:50,476
and shut down the broadcast.
483
00:26:50,476 --> 00:26:52,411
Right, and then
the firemen will come...
484
00:26:52,411 --> 00:26:56,782
and then the policemen
will come, so kind of
a lame idea, you know?
485
00:26:56,782 --> 00:27:00,586
All right. Jeez.
It's just an idea.
486
00:27:00,586 --> 00:27:02,655
It's a work in progress,
for God's sake.
487
00:27:02,655 --> 00:27:06,993
Even a painter's
got to take the brushes
and clean 'em.
488
00:27:06,993 --> 00:27:08,227
Whatever that means.
489
00:27:08,227 --> 00:27:10,930
You have any better ideas,
Miss Smarty-pants?
490
00:27:10,930 --> 00:27:15,301
Why can't I just
distract Bobby somehow,
the security guy?
491
00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:17,336
And then you
switch the balls.
492
00:27:17,336 --> 00:27:18,571
No, uh, lame.
That's lame. What?
493
00:27:18,571 --> 00:27:20,439
No, that's brilliant.
494
00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:21,640
Yeah?
No, really, it's so simple,
495
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,075
it's brilliant.
496
00:27:23,075 --> 00:27:26,345
In its simplicity, Russ.
Simplicity. That's--
497
00:27:26,345 --> 00:27:28,347
And movin' on.
Okay, movin' on.
498
00:27:28,347 --> 00:27:30,616
Movin' on,
I guess.
499
00:27:30,616 --> 00:27:32,451
Okay, next most
important thing, right?
500
00:27:32,451 --> 00:27:33,819
Uh-huh.
501
00:27:35,554 --> 00:27:38,424
We need to find
your beard?
502
00:27:38,424 --> 00:27:40,326
What the hell's
a "beard"?
503
00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:43,329
You need someone
to buy the ticket
and claim the winnings.
504
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:48,000
But it has to be someone
that you absolutely trust.
505
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,371
One beard. Check.
Time out, folks!
506
00:27:52,371 --> 00:27:54,673
There's not a person
I would trust to do
this thing.
507
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,876
Not a single person.
508
00:27:56,876 --> 00:28:01,380
Ah! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Okay. All right.
509
00:28:01,380 --> 00:28:03,849
I buy the ticket
in disguise.
510
00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:06,719
Okay?
And this eliminates
all the outsiders.
511
00:28:06,719 --> 00:28:08,888
That's the answer.
That's it. Okay?
512
00:28:08,888 --> 00:28:10,990
Yeah, yeah.
Now we're cooking
with gas, huh?
513
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:14,727
I mean,
how would you
disguise yourself?
514
00:28:14,727 --> 00:28:16,962
What, as Charlie Chaplin?
As the tramp or something?
515
00:28:16,962 --> 00:28:19,732
( laughing ): Yeah, or no, like,
from the Wizard of Oz.
516
00:28:19,732 --> 00:28:22,068
The straw guy.
The Straw Man.
517
00:28:22,068 --> 00:28:24,503
Yeah, he could put
hay in his clothes
and wear a hat.
518
00:28:24,503 --> 00:28:27,006
With a pom-pom on it?
With a-- No one
will know it's him.
519
00:28:27,006 --> 00:28:28,974
Ooh, it's clever.
Nobody would ever know!
520
00:28:28,974 --> 00:28:33,212
No! Russ.
It's the Scarecrow
from the Wizard of Oz.
521
00:28:33,212 --> 00:28:35,981
Oh, okay.
It's Dorothy,
i-it's the Cowardly Lion,
522
00:28:35,981 --> 00:28:39,418
it's the Tin Man, it's the dog,
it's the flying monkeys...
523
00:28:39,418 --> 00:28:41,087
and it's
the Scarecrow.
524
00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:43,622
If you're gonna make fun of me,
get your facts straight.
525
00:28:43,622 --> 00:28:47,793
Well, my apologies, sir.
I am not the, uh, cartoon
aficionada that you are.
526
00:28:47,793 --> 00:28:49,795
It's not a cartoon, Crystal.
So what?
527
00:28:49,795 --> 00:28:51,797
It's a movie.
Who gives a shit?
528
00:28:51,797 --> 00:28:53,499
Children-- excuse me.
( arguing )
529
00:28:53,499 --> 00:28:55,835
It's a movie! For God's sake.
Calm down. Calm down.
530
00:28:55,835 --> 00:28:58,270
Calm-- Calm down.
Sorry.
531
00:28:58,270 --> 00:29:02,475
Please?
All right. Okay.
Back to square one.
532
00:29:02,475 --> 00:29:04,577
( chuckles ):
Let's go.
533
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:11,350
Hey, I know.
My Cousin Walter
could do it.
534
00:29:13,219 --> 00:29:15,287
Who?
From Ohio.
535
00:29:15,287 --> 00:29:18,691
He would be the perfect beard.
He's this totally straight guy.
536
00:29:18,691 --> 00:29:21,494
He doesn't even drink,
and besides,
he has a crush on me.
537
00:29:21,494 --> 00:29:24,964
♪ The minute
You walked in the joint ♪
538
00:29:24,964 --> 00:29:28,601
♪ I could see you were
A man of distinction ♪
539
00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:31,337
♪ A real big spender ♪
540
00:29:31,337 --> 00:29:34,940
♪ Good-lookin', so refined ♪
Oh. Walter.
541
00:29:34,940 --> 00:29:38,244
♪ Say wouldn't you like to know
What's goin' on in my mind ♪
You look great.
542
00:29:38,244 --> 00:29:40,479
I got you these balloons.
We should go.
Thank you.
543
00:29:40,479 --> 00:29:42,481
♪ So let me get
Right to the point ♪
544
00:29:42,481 --> 00:29:44,483
I got you a room at a lovely
country inn.
545
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:47,086
♪ I don't pop my cork
For every guy I see ♪
546
00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:50,256
♪ Hey, big spender ♪
547
00:29:52,324 --> 00:29:56,428
♪ Spend a little time
With me ♪♪
548
00:29:56,428 --> 00:30:00,399
Oh. It's so green and lush.
RUSS: Oh! Look at this room.
549
00:30:00,399 --> 00:30:02,434
RUSS:
Oh, this is so great.
550
00:30:02,434 --> 00:30:04,370
Look at this TV, a closet.
God, look at the painting
551
00:30:04,370 --> 00:30:06,639
with the Three Mile Island
thing.
552
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:10,476
Oh, and this clock
with a little light.
It's so-- It's so modern-day.
553
00:30:10,476 --> 00:30:13,212
CRYSTAL:
Oh, shower curtain.
Oh, Walter, look at this.
554
00:30:13,212 --> 00:30:16,315
All-you-can-eat buffet.
Oh. Right up the block!
Oh.
555
00:30:16,315 --> 00:30:18,450
( wheezing, coughing )
And towels.
They're all prepared for you.
556
00:30:18,450 --> 00:30:22,421
How comfy. What do you think?
Yeah, what do you think?
557
00:30:22,421 --> 00:30:25,491
( gasps ): Mold spores.
What?
Huh?
558
00:30:25,491 --> 00:30:29,061
This room has
a high content
of mold spores.
559
00:30:29,061 --> 00:30:31,564
My throat's closin' up.
Oh, jeez.
560
00:30:31,564 --> 00:30:32,765
( gasping, wheezing )
Oh.
561
00:30:32,765 --> 00:30:38,771
( wheezing continues )
562
00:30:38,771 --> 00:30:40,673
Are you-- Are you
all right, Walter?
563
00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:43,175
( wheezing )
564
00:30:43,175 --> 00:30:44,977
Mm. Tsk.
565
00:30:44,977 --> 00:30:47,012
( exhaling, gurgling )
566
00:30:47,012 --> 00:30:51,450
( wheezing )
567
00:30:51,450 --> 00:30:53,452
Oh, jeez.
568
00:30:53,452 --> 00:30:55,354
All clear.
All right! Hey, thank god
569
00:30:55,354 --> 00:30:56,655
for modern medicine.
570
00:30:56,655 --> 00:30:58,724
Yeah.
Hey, Walter, test the bed.
571
00:30:58,724 --> 00:31:01,660
It's a combination
of the heat and moisture.
That's what does it.
572
00:31:01,660 --> 00:31:07,032
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Is it always this sticky
in Harrisburg in the winter?
573
00:31:07,032 --> 00:31:09,468
Well, you know, it's--
it's a fluke, of course,
574
00:31:09,468 --> 00:31:11,704
but it's not
entirely uncommon, no.
575
00:31:11,704 --> 00:31:14,006
Uh-uh.
W-why's that?
576
00:31:14,006 --> 00:31:18,177
Well, okay, well,
historically weather has been
you know, unpredictable.
577
00:31:18,177 --> 00:31:21,513
Yeah, well, w-why's that?
Why?
578
00:31:21,513 --> 00:31:24,183
( sniffling )
Well-- well, okay, you got...
579
00:31:24,183 --> 00:31:26,385
your, uh--
you got your cold fronts
and you got...
580
00:31:26,385 --> 00:31:30,089
your warm fronts,
and then you're talkin',
uh, barometric pressure.
581
00:31:30,089 --> 00:31:33,826
Well, without my gauges, I-I--
I love hotels.
582
00:31:33,826 --> 00:31:36,228
Walter? Walter?
Hey! Walter.
583
00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:38,631
Yeah?
Are you clear on
what we're doin' here?
584
00:31:38,631 --> 00:31:41,834
How long will it be
be-before I get my money?
585
00:31:41,834 --> 00:31:43,769
Oh, well--
Oh. Yeah, no.
586
00:31:43,769 --> 00:31:45,671
Um, it's real simple,
honey.
587
00:31:45,671 --> 00:31:48,007
When we get our first payment,
you just take your 20,000
588
00:31:48,007 --> 00:31:49,742
right away.
Right.
589
00:31:49,742 --> 00:31:51,877
That's yours.
Right. Tax-free.
590
00:31:51,877 --> 00:31:54,613
( chuckling ): We want
you to be happy, Walter.
Oh.
591
00:31:54,613 --> 00:31:56,682
Well, I could-- I could really
use the money,
592
00:31:56,682 --> 00:31:59,518
'cause m-m-my church
needs a new furnace.
( chuckles )
593
00:31:59,518 --> 00:32:03,689
Oh, well, that
is so refreshing. Yeah.
594
00:32:03,689 --> 00:32:06,592
And I'm gonna use
the rest to open
an adult bookstore.
595
00:32:06,592 --> 00:32:09,061
Ah. Well, okay.
Well, that's good.
That's good too.
596
00:32:09,061 --> 00:32:12,731
Yeah.
Do you masturbate, Russ?
597
00:32:12,731 --> 00:32:17,736
( nervous chuckling ):
Jeez. I've been so busy lately,
I barely polish my shoes.
598
00:32:17,736 --> 00:32:19,738
'Cause I masturbate
all the time.
Oh, yeah?
599
00:32:19,738 --> 00:32:21,907
Yeah. Some people
think it's a sin,
600
00:32:21,907 --> 00:32:25,844
but I think god gave us
the ability to masturbate
to protect us from sin.
601
00:32:25,844 --> 00:32:29,381
Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah. I could--
I could see that.
602
00:32:29,381 --> 00:32:33,185
Sure. Why not?
I like sex.
603
00:32:33,185 --> 00:32:35,654
There's a lot of sex
in the Bible.
Mm-hmm.
604
00:32:35,654 --> 00:32:38,257
I'm sure there's
a Bible here somewhere.
Yeah.
605
00:32:38,257 --> 00:32:40,392
Yeah, sure.
S-So, we--
606
00:32:40,392 --> 00:32:43,162
We're a team, right?
Yeah, yeah, a team!
607
00:32:43,162 --> 00:32:45,164
Yeah?
( chuckling ): Team.
608
00:32:45,164 --> 00:32:47,132
( chuckling )
Ooh.
609
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:49,535
Yeah? Yeah?
610
00:32:52,838 --> 00:32:55,274
Oh, I've got one. Let me pick.
No, no, no, no, no!
611
00:32:55,274 --> 00:32:57,142
Please, let me finish. Okay, 16.
I wanna pick one.
612
00:32:57,142 --> 00:33:00,412
Sixteen, okay?
That's how old I was
when I first got laid.
613
00:33:00,412 --> 00:33:02,581
Really?
Yeah. Okay.
614
00:33:02,581 --> 00:33:05,250
Twenty-five.
Okay, twenty-five.
My mother's birthday.
615
00:33:05,250 --> 00:33:08,454
January 25, 1912. All right.
No, no. This--
616
00:33:08,454 --> 00:33:10,789
No, the 25th
was my anniversary,
617
00:33:10,789 --> 00:33:12,558
and I got divorced,
and I got screwed in that.
618
00:33:12,558 --> 00:33:14,960
I didn't get a good settlement.
Seventy.
619
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:18,731
I had a '70 Camaro, and I got
in that bad car accident
and got a huge settlement.
620
00:33:18,731 --> 00:33:21,567
Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay.
Remember? That's right.
621
00:33:21,567 --> 00:33:25,204
Um, I got some randomly
selected numbers, okay?
622
00:33:25,204 --> 00:33:27,005
WALTER:
These are like
completely random.
623
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:30,309
Okay?
Flick it like that.
Make sure air gets--
624
00:33:30,309 --> 00:33:33,879
Twenty-two,
seventy.
625
00:33:35,814 --> 00:33:40,586
Puncture. Then you
inject a little paint
into the ball.
626
00:33:40,586 --> 00:33:45,257
You know,
weigh 'em down.
Sixteen.
627
00:33:45,257 --> 00:33:48,093
Then we put
a little glue
over the hole.
628
00:33:48,093 --> 00:33:50,662
Nine.
RUSS:
Isn't this fun?
629
00:33:50,662 --> 00:33:53,966
Twenty-seven.
RUSS:
It's like summer camp.
630
00:33:53,966 --> 00:33:56,435
It's like
arts and crafts.
631
00:33:56,435 --> 00:33:59,905
Seven.
RUSS: The six
we don't inject.
632
00:33:59,905 --> 00:34:02,307
Those are gonna
rise to the top.
It's my birthday.
633
00:34:02,307 --> 00:34:05,978
Get it?
Okay. Those are
the winning numbers.
634
00:34:05,978 --> 00:34:08,447
RUSS:
This is the concept
of gravity.
635
00:34:08,447 --> 00:34:10,983
Sweet, simple concept
of gravity.
636
00:34:10,983 --> 00:34:13,118
Here we go. Go.
Ready?
637
00:34:13,118 --> 00:34:15,954
Yeah! Whoo!
( Gasps ): Oh, my God!
638
00:34:15,954 --> 00:34:17,856
That's brilliant.
That is brilliant!
All right. Go.
639
00:34:17,856 --> 00:34:20,125
♪ And she wasn't gonna
Sit around and wait ♪
640
00:34:20,125 --> 00:34:22,895
♪ This guy was wise
To all of the lies ♪
641
00:34:22,895 --> 00:34:25,164
♪ And he flies
Out the door ♪
642
00:34:25,164 --> 00:34:27,332
♪ Easy money ♪♪
643
00:34:54,993 --> 00:34:58,330
Will these warm
temperatures continue?
This is Russ Richards.
644
00:34:58,330 --> 00:35:01,600
Catch me tonight
in the weather center
and find out.
645
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:04,636
Right here
on Channel 6, WTPA.
646
00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:36,235
Okay. Ready.
( groans )
647
00:35:36,235 --> 00:35:39,004
( car horn blaring )
Yeah, hold on a second.
You hear that?
648
00:35:39,004 --> 00:35:41,540
I have been watching
your show--
649
00:35:41,540 --> 00:35:45,711
( horn blaring )
650
00:35:50,482 --> 00:35:54,019
( woman on TV, indistinct )
MAN ON TV: Enough about me.
651
00:35:57,155 --> 00:36:00,792
I don't know why.
But I'm fine.
I just don't know--
652
00:36:00,792 --> 00:36:02,961
Make way. Give her space.
Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
653
00:36:02,961 --> 00:36:05,998
Thank god. Yeah.
Crystal, you all right?
654
00:36:05,998 --> 00:36:09,134
But I don't know what happened
with the car.
Come on. Give her space.
655
00:36:19,111 --> 00:36:21,747
And I just had
the car checked.
Oh, that's crazy.
656
00:36:21,747 --> 00:36:23,982
Yeah.
Lucky you didn't hit your head.
657
00:36:23,982 --> 00:36:25,484
Well, who knows?
Maybe I did. I don't know.
658
00:36:25,484 --> 00:36:26,985
Maybe you should see a lawyer.
659
00:36:26,985 --> 00:36:29,721
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I know a lawyer.
660
00:36:29,721 --> 00:36:32,524
Do you? That's great, Bobby.
Thanks.
661
00:36:32,524 --> 00:36:36,261
Let me know if you
want his name!
662
00:36:36,261 --> 00:36:40,265
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
Tonight's jackpot
is $6.4 million!
663
00:36:40,265 --> 00:36:45,003
Our machine contains 80 balls,
and we'll draw 6 balls
from the machine.
664
00:36:45,003 --> 00:36:49,975
Drawing tonight will be
Channel 6's lottery girl,
Crystal Latroy.
665
00:36:49,975 --> 00:36:52,878
Now, let's start
the machine, please.
666
00:36:54,279 --> 00:36:57,115
Now, Crystal,
draw the first number.
667
00:37:01,053 --> 00:37:03,221
Seventy!
668
00:37:04,656 --> 00:37:06,925
And the second.
669
00:37:10,195 --> 00:37:12,297
Twenty-two!
670
00:37:12,297 --> 00:37:14,232
And the third.
671
00:37:18,704 --> 00:37:21,340
Seven!
672
00:37:21,340 --> 00:37:23,275
And now the fourth.
673
00:37:27,212 --> 00:37:29,348
Sixteen!
674
00:37:30,482 --> 00:37:33,218
And the fifth number, please.
675
00:37:35,654 --> 00:37:38,156
Nine!
676
00:37:38,156 --> 00:37:42,060
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
And the sixth!
Twenty-seven.
677
00:37:47,165 --> 00:37:49,034
Twenty-seven!
678
00:37:49,034 --> 00:37:51,036
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
And there you have it.
679
00:37:51,036 --> 00:37:54,139
Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery
numbers: 70,
680
00:37:54,139 --> 00:37:56,441
22, 7, 16,
681
00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:58,510
9, 27.
682
00:37:58,510 --> 00:38:00,879
If you have it,
come and get it.
683
00:38:00,879 --> 00:38:03,315
Good girl.
If not, better luck next time.
684
00:38:03,315 --> 00:38:05,584
Back to you, Dan!
685
00:38:05,584 --> 00:38:09,254
ANNOUNCER:
That about wraps it up for
this edition of News at Five.
686
00:38:09,254 --> 00:38:12,958
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
We'll see you back here
tomorrow night.
687
00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:16,361
You can see
all the Pennsylvania lottery
drawings right here...
688
00:38:16,361 --> 00:38:19,131
on WTPA,
Channel 6.
689
00:38:27,773 --> 00:38:30,642
Oh! My head!
( groans )
690
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:33,145
Crystal!
I got you.
691
00:38:33,145 --> 00:38:35,313
I got you. Come on, come on.
Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.
692
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,582
No, let's-- Please, this way.
No, this way's better.
693
00:38:37,582 --> 00:38:39,384
No. This way!
All right.
694
00:38:39,384 --> 00:38:41,987
Oh, I'm not
making any sense.
Okay. Nice and easy.
695
00:38:41,987 --> 00:38:44,790
I-I-I don't-- Oh!
Nice-- I got you. I got you.
696
00:38:57,035 --> 00:38:59,671
You feelin' better now?
Ugh.
697
00:38:59,671 --> 00:39:01,973
I don't know.
Yeah.
698
00:39:01,973 --> 00:39:04,142
Uh-huh. Thanks.
I really do.
699
00:39:22,461 --> 00:39:24,763
( gasps ): Oh. Oh!
700
00:39:24,763 --> 00:39:27,499
Shit! Shit! Oh.
701
00:39:27,499 --> 00:39:29,901
God! Stop it!
702
00:39:29,901 --> 00:39:31,737
Stay in!
Come on!
703
00:39:31,737 --> 00:39:34,139
Get in!
704
00:39:34,139 --> 00:39:37,409
Stay in, little mothers.
Oh, shit.
705
00:39:37,409 --> 00:39:40,278
Okay, okay, okay.
706
00:39:41,213 --> 00:39:44,249
Okay.
( sighs )
707
00:39:44,249 --> 00:39:46,084
Hey!
( screams ): Oh, Bobby,
708
00:39:46,084 --> 00:39:47,486
you scared me.
709
00:39:47,486 --> 00:39:50,255
Are you sure
you should be drivin'?
710
00:39:50,255 --> 00:39:52,090
Why don't you let me
give you a ride home?
711
00:39:52,090 --> 00:39:55,127
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine now.
712
00:39:55,127 --> 00:39:57,162
Yeah. I had
a Three Musketeers.
713
00:39:57,162 --> 00:39:59,598
Okay, then.
Get some sleep.
714
00:39:59,598 --> 00:40:02,567
All right. Thanks, sweetie.
Are you sure you don't
want me to drive you home?
715
00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:05,170
No!
716
00:40:05,170 --> 00:40:07,906
Thank you, though.
You're sweet.
717
00:40:26,725 --> 00:40:29,027
Good afternoon, Lawrence.
718
00:40:29,027 --> 00:40:31,163
Hey, Russ.
719
00:40:31,163 --> 00:40:33,265
I've been thinking about you.
Big news.
720
00:40:33,265 --> 00:40:36,434
No, I have.
First of all,
this is for you.
721
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,137
Token of my appreciation for
how hard you've been working.
Thanks.
722
00:40:39,137 --> 00:40:43,441
And let me tell you
something else. A lot of people
have been talking about you.
723
00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:46,545
What people?
Let's get another thing
straight.
724
00:40:46,545 --> 00:40:50,916
No one is stealing you
away from me,
because you are--
725
00:40:50,916 --> 00:40:53,051
What are you?
Number one.
726
00:40:53,051 --> 00:40:55,887
That's right.
Wow, it's quite an honor.
727
00:40:55,887 --> 00:40:59,157
I don't know what to say.
Well, don't say anything.
728
00:40:59,157 --> 00:41:01,927
As our Jewish friends say,
"Enjoy."
729
00:41:01,927 --> 00:41:05,297
Look, Russ, remember
I told you about
my cousin's stepdad?
730
00:41:05,297 --> 00:41:08,033
The one with
the roadside fun park
in Colorado,
731
00:41:08,033 --> 00:41:10,135
in Leadville?
732
00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:13,038
Well, if you did, my brain
immediately purged it.
733
00:41:13,038 --> 00:41:17,075
Well, I gave him a call,
and I told him
about our situation,
734
00:41:17,075 --> 00:41:20,245
and he said he'd buy
our whole inventory
in one fell swoop.
735
00:41:20,245 --> 00:41:22,080
Really?
Well, how much?
736
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,517
Okay, well,
here's where we run
into a small asterisk.
737
00:41:25,517 --> 00:41:26,751
Thirty thousand?
738
00:41:26,751 --> 00:41:29,521
( laughs ): Who is this guy,
Jesse James!
739
00:41:29,521 --> 00:41:32,691
I oughta get in
a Santa Claus outfit
and give 'em away.
740
00:41:32,691 --> 00:41:35,493
I just thought,
you know, if the noose
starts getting tighter.
741
00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:38,830
"The noose"?
Who am I talking to?
742
00:41:38,830 --> 00:41:42,467
Is this Larry, the winner?
Is this Larry number one?
743
00:41:42,467 --> 00:41:45,337
Am I talking to the Larry
that everybody's talking about?
744
00:41:45,337 --> 00:41:48,206
Who's talking about me?
Oh, hey.
745
00:41:48,206 --> 00:41:50,475
Hey, hey, good.
Good idea.
746
00:42:04,589 --> 00:42:07,392
Good morning, sweetie. Hi.
Hi.
747
00:42:07,392 --> 00:42:10,328
So, where is it?
What?
748
00:42:11,496 --> 00:42:14,266
The ticket.
I'm dying to see it.
749
00:42:14,266 --> 00:42:17,135
Well, I have it.
Don't worry.
750
00:42:17,135 --> 00:42:20,805
I'm not worried.
May I see it, please?
751
00:42:20,805 --> 00:42:23,441
Well, actually,
752
00:42:23,441 --> 00:42:25,610
I might hold on
to it for a while.
753
00:42:25,610 --> 00:42:28,780
What does that mean?
Well,
754
00:42:28,780 --> 00:42:31,650
first of all, how come
I'm only getting $20,000?
755
00:42:31,650 --> 00:42:34,486
I mean, I'm taking
all the risk, right?
756
00:42:34,486 --> 00:42:38,590
Walter?
And, you know,
757
00:42:38,590 --> 00:42:40,759
I'm-- I'm the one
who's gotta cash it in.
758
00:42:40,759 --> 00:42:43,028
What if they find out
this was rigged?
759
00:42:43,028 --> 00:42:45,897
No.
W-W-What if th-they--
760
00:42:45,897 --> 00:42:50,302
it's like this is
a setup or some kind of,
like, you know, an ambush.
761
00:42:50,302 --> 00:42:52,971
I could get caught.
I could get in trouble.
That's not gonna happen.
762
00:42:52,971 --> 00:42:55,740
No. Shh. Sweetie, listen.
You're being really silly.
763
00:42:55,740 --> 00:42:59,411
Okay?
Now, we made a deal,
and you agreed to it.
764
00:42:59,411 --> 00:43:01,479
So let's
just move forward
as planned, okay?
765
00:43:01,479 --> 00:43:04,115
No, why-- why can't we
split it three ways?
766
00:43:04,115 --> 00:43:06,685
The weatherman, you and me.
Who the fuck are you?
767
00:43:06,685 --> 00:43:11,122
I'm doin' all the work.
You're lucky to even get
a little bit, which is a lot.
768
00:43:11,122 --> 00:43:13,258
Well, can we-- I'm family.
769
00:43:13,258 --> 00:43:15,760
Go get
the fucking ticket!
770
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,129
Now, give me the ticket,
you jerk-off!
771
00:43:18,129 --> 00:43:20,365
Get off me!
You're a whore!
772
00:43:20,365 --> 00:43:22,667
Stop it!
Oh!
773
00:43:22,667 --> 00:43:25,704
Do not fuck with me,
you sick, masturbating retard!
774
00:43:25,704 --> 00:43:28,139
Go ahead and rape me.
That's what you want!
775
00:43:28,139 --> 00:43:29,975
Shut up!
Where's the ticket?
776
00:43:29,975 --> 00:43:32,644
I'm not telling you, slut!
I want that ticket now!
777
00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:35,680
I'm telling your parents!
Stop it!
778
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:38,483
Are you ready for the song
"Bingo Was His Name-o"?
779
00:43:38,483 --> 00:43:40,952
CHILDREN: Yeah!
All right.
780
00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:44,656
♪ There was a farmer had a dog
And Bingo was his name-o ♪
781
00:43:44,656 --> 00:43:48,493
♪ B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O ♪
782
00:43:48,493 --> 00:43:50,695
WALTER ( gasping ):
Where is it?
783
00:43:50,695 --> 00:43:52,664
My-- My-- My-- My--
My puffer.
784
00:43:52,664 --> 00:43:56,067
Your what? Stop it! What?
Puffer! Puffer!
785
00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:59,771
( wheezing, coughing ):
My puffer! I can't breathe!
786
00:43:59,771 --> 00:44:04,042
I'll get it. God.
Get it. Thank you. Thank you.
787
00:44:04,042 --> 00:44:07,012
Is this what you want,
your puffer?
Where's the ticket?
788
00:44:07,012 --> 00:44:09,347
( wheezing ):
I'm not telling you.
789
00:44:09,347 --> 00:44:11,616
Fine!
790
00:44:11,616 --> 00:44:15,286
( gasping, wheezing )
791
00:44:15,286 --> 00:44:17,355
F-Fuck y-you.
( TV turns on )
792
00:44:17,355 --> 00:44:19,758
( inhaler clicking,
expelling mist )
793
00:44:19,758 --> 00:44:23,028
TV: ♪ These days are all ♪
Walt, look. Happy Days is on.
794
00:44:23,028 --> 00:44:25,730
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Those happy days ♪
795
00:44:25,730 --> 00:44:29,267
♪ These days all ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
796
00:44:29,267 --> 00:44:32,203
♪ Good-bye gray skies
Hello blue ♪
♪ Hello blue ♪
797
00:44:32,203 --> 00:44:34,973
♪ There's nothing can hold me
When I hold you ♪
798
00:44:34,973 --> 00:44:37,342
♪ Feels so right
It can't be wrong ♪
♪ Can't be wrong ♪
799
00:44:37,342 --> 00:44:39,844
( singing with TV ):
♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪♪
800
00:44:39,844 --> 00:44:42,614
♪ The people on the bus
Go yap-yap-yap ♪
801
00:44:42,614 --> 00:44:45,216
♪ Yap-yap-yap
Yap-yap-yap ♪
802
00:44:45,216 --> 00:44:47,352
♪ The people on the bus
Go yap-yap-yap ♪♪
803
00:44:47,352 --> 00:44:50,221
MAN ON TV:
Laverne de Fazio
and Shirley Feeney!
804
00:44:50,221 --> 00:44:52,924
Casablanca.
LAVERNE:
Casablanca.
805
00:44:52,924 --> 00:44:55,693
Shit!
MAN: Okay.
806
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:59,898
( screaming, yelling
on TV )
807
00:44:59,898 --> 00:45:02,167
Damn it!
808
00:45:08,073 --> 00:45:10,008
Come on. Where is it?
809
00:45:16,648 --> 00:45:18,950
Oh! Goddamn it!
810
00:45:27,859 --> 00:45:29,727
Ugh.
811
00:45:30,695 --> 00:45:33,298
( sighs ):
I'm gonna puke.
812
00:45:33,298 --> 00:45:35,233
Oh!
813
00:45:36,968 --> 00:45:40,705
Yes. Yes!
Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
814
00:45:40,705 --> 00:45:43,641
Hey, Walt,
met your girlfriend.
815
00:45:43,641 --> 00:45:45,777
Cute.
816
00:45:47,645 --> 00:45:51,416
( voice breaking ):
Yes, I need an ambulance
right away.
817
00:45:51,416 --> 00:45:56,054
My cousin... had some kind
of asthma attack.
818
00:45:56,054 --> 00:45:59,624
He's not moving.
Okay.
819
00:45:59,624 --> 00:46:02,660
I can't believe it.
I-I m in shock.
820
00:46:02,660 --> 00:46:04,529
I thought he had
one of those inhaler things.
821
00:46:04,529 --> 00:46:07,432
His puffer?
Yeah, I couldn't find it.
Yeah.
822
00:46:07,432 --> 00:46:08,833
You couldn't find it?
823
00:46:08,833 --> 00:46:10,802
No, well, we couldn't
find it at first.
824
00:46:10,802 --> 00:46:14,939
And then when we did
find it, it was all
out of shit, out of juice.
825
00:46:14,939 --> 00:46:18,309
Mist?
Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.
826
00:46:18,309 --> 00:46:20,912
Know what his last words were?
What?
827
00:46:20,912 --> 00:46:26,117
"Crystal,
my sweet angel,
Don't, don't.
828
00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:29,888
"Go into my wallet
and take the ticket,
829
00:46:29,888 --> 00:46:33,324
'cause you and Russ
deserve to have that money."
830
00:46:33,324 --> 00:46:36,060
Oh, God!
831
00:46:36,060 --> 00:46:38,129
Oh, fuck me.
No fried clams?
832
00:46:39,931 --> 00:46:41,933
Crystal? I know, baby.
Hmm.
833
00:46:41,933 --> 00:46:45,970
It's insensitive to--
Well, to bring up something
at a time like this,
834
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:49,307
but I think we do have
a little problem.
835
00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:51,576
What?
836
00:46:51,576 --> 00:46:53,144
Well, with Walter gone,
837
00:46:53,144 --> 00:46:55,547
we have no one
to cash in the ticket.
838
00:46:55,547 --> 00:46:58,750
I mean, god rest his soul
and everything.
I wouldn't worry about that.
839
00:46:58,750 --> 00:47:01,519
Why?
I've got plenty of relatives.
840
00:47:01,519 --> 00:47:04,289
In fact, I'll probably
see a lot of them
at Walter s funeral.
841
00:47:04,289 --> 00:47:07,258
No. You know, I wouldn't
bring them into this.
842
00:47:07,258 --> 00:47:10,562
I mean, they've suffered enough.
WOMAN: There's Russ Richards!
843
00:47:10,562 --> 00:47:13,765
He's more handsome
in person!
844
00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:18,002
You know, it's times
like this you wonder.
845
00:47:18,002 --> 00:47:20,505
You wonder if there's
a higher being out there.
846
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:24,209
I mean, maybe it was
just Walter s time on earth--
All right! Key lime pie.
847
00:47:24,209 --> 00:47:30,248
( rock music playing )
848
00:47:45,396 --> 00:47:48,132
Hello, Jerry, mate. How are you?
Gig.
849
00:47:52,904 --> 00:47:54,105
Wanna hear a cute story?
850
00:47:54,105 --> 00:47:56,975
I would love to hear
a cute story.
851
00:47:58,443 --> 00:48:00,511
You know
I got a grandson,
six years old?
852
00:48:00,511 --> 00:48:03,047
That's a great age.
( chuckles ): Yeah.
853
00:48:03,047 --> 00:48:05,116
He says to me
the other day, he says,
854
00:48:05,116 --> 00:48:08,519
"Pop-pop, when I grow up,
855
00:48:08,519 --> 00:48:11,856
I wanna be a bookie
and run a numbers racket
just like you."
856
00:48:11,856 --> 00:48:13,958
Ohhh.
857
00:48:13,958 --> 00:48:15,860
I know. I melted.
858
00:48:16,995 --> 00:48:20,431
And then he asks me,
he says, "Pop-pop,
859
00:48:20,431 --> 00:48:22,800
"when people play
the numbers,
860
00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:26,237
what number
do they try to win?"
861
00:48:26,237 --> 00:48:28,239
So I explain to him.
862
00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:30,875
I say, "Sweetie,
every week we bookies,
863
00:48:30,875 --> 00:48:35,480
we get the number from someplace
our customers know
we can't control."
864
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:39,517
And he says,
"Like Sesame Street?"
Lovely that, isn't it?
865
00:48:39,517 --> 00:48:42,020
( laughing ):
It's amazing what these kids
come up with, isn't it?
866
00:48:42,020 --> 00:48:44,789
It's amazing. And I say,
"No, no, no, no,
not Sesame Street.
867
00:48:44,789 --> 00:48:47,225
"We get the number
from the lottery drawing
on television,
868
00:48:47,225 --> 00:48:49,427
"the last three digits
of the real lotto,
869
00:48:49,427 --> 00:48:52,730
"because everyone knows
no one...
870
00:48:52,730 --> 00:48:54,999
"can rig
the state lottery,
871
00:48:54,999 --> 00:49:00,171
which means no one
can rig a bookie's number."
872
00:49:00,171 --> 00:49:02,540
That's right.
And he, he looks at me.
873
00:49:02,540 --> 00:49:06,744
You know, big long look
with these big brown eyes,
and he says,
874
00:49:06,744 --> 00:49:10,148
"And I bet no one
can win either!"
( chuckles )
875
00:49:10,148 --> 00:49:13,551
He's a genius.
Kid's a genius.
876
00:49:13,551 --> 00:49:15,553
After all, h-how often
do I have to pay out?
877
00:49:15,553 --> 00:49:17,922
Once, twice,
three times a year.
If.
878
00:49:17,922 --> 00:49:20,091
If. So, moving right along.
879
00:49:20,091 --> 00:49:24,996
Next day, guess what.
I had 12 people
hit the same number.
880
00:49:24,996 --> 00:49:28,533
No shit!
Yeah.
881
00:49:28,533 --> 00:49:31,903
Which even
a six-year-old kid knows...
( chuckles )
882
00:49:31,903 --> 00:49:33,938
Statistically
it's impossible.
883
00:49:33,938 --> 00:49:36,708
Out of the realm
of possibility.
Can't happen.
884
00:49:36,708 --> 00:49:42,780
I don't know what
to tell you, Jerry.
Here's the funny thing, though.
885
00:49:42,780 --> 00:49:45,350
When I looked at
the people who picked,
886
00:49:45,350 --> 00:49:47,352
a pattern
started to emerge.
887
00:49:47,352 --> 00:49:51,155
Really?
Yeah. Your ex-wife.
888
00:49:51,155 --> 00:49:54,158
( laughing )
889
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:59,564
Your ex-wife.
Your ex-wife's mother.
890
00:49:59,564 --> 00:50:02,734
Her mother's sister.
Your dentist.
891
00:50:02,734 --> 00:50:04,702
Your cousin Vic.
892
00:50:04,702 --> 00:50:07,739
A few other stray
crinkly leaves
from the family tree.
893
00:50:07,739 --> 00:50:10,441
They all played variations
on the same number.
894
00:50:11,876 --> 00:50:14,679
You know, Jerry.
Hmm.
895
00:50:14,679 --> 00:50:16,781
If it wasn't for the fact
that we are dear friends--
896
00:50:16,781 --> 00:50:18,816
We are dear friends, right?
Dear friends.
897
00:50:18,816 --> 00:50:23,221
I would suspect that you
are accusing me of something.
898
00:50:24,956 --> 00:50:26,758
Of what?
899
00:50:26,758 --> 00:50:30,495
I mean, Jesus Christ himself
can't rig the state lottery.
900
00:50:32,897 --> 00:50:35,900
Thank you.
901
00:50:35,900 --> 00:50:37,769
Unless--
902
00:50:37,769 --> 00:50:41,906
Unless Jesus had a buddy
down at the TV station.
903
00:50:43,074 --> 00:50:46,144
Ahh.
Ahh.
904
00:50:46,144 --> 00:50:49,547
Nah. ( chuckles )
A real stumper, huh?
905
00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:53,084
Yeah, it's a fuckin'
head scratcher, Jerry.
A fuckin' head scratcher.
906
00:50:53,084 --> 00:50:55,386
Fuckin' head scratcher,
mate.
907
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:58,322
You know, I got some pals
down at the D.A.'s office.
908
00:50:58,322 --> 00:51:00,591
Always looking for
a good head scratcher.
909
00:51:03,728 --> 00:51:06,164
Now, Jerry,
you never told me
you had a grandson.
910
00:51:06,964 --> 00:51:08,766
I don't.
911
00:51:10,268 --> 00:51:12,537
( laughing )
912
00:51:29,754 --> 00:51:32,390
Hello, Dale, love.
How are you?
913
00:51:32,390 --> 00:51:35,359
What you gonna do
tonight, Kippy?
Gonna watch Sportscenter.
914
00:51:35,359 --> 00:51:37,228
You're gonna watch
Sportscenter,
915
00:51:37,228 --> 00:51:40,932
and you're gonna see
if Winchell is still out
with the knee thing.
916
00:51:40,932 --> 00:51:43,034
JERRY:
And if he's still out
with the knee thing,
917
00:51:43,034 --> 00:51:45,303
we gotta change the spread
on Detroit, right?
918
00:51:45,303 --> 00:51:47,205
Right.
So what are you gonna do?
919
00:51:47,205 --> 00:51:49,974
I'm gonna watch Sportscenter.
Go home. Watch it. Good night.
920
00:51:49,974 --> 00:51:53,244
Good night.
[Car door slams, engine starts]
921
00:51:53,244 --> 00:51:57,815
Beautiful. Lovely. Flat tire.
♪ Oh, the shark, babe,
Has such teeth, dear ♪
922
00:51:57,815 --> 00:52:03,020
Kippy? Kippy!
♪ And it shows them
Pearly whites ♪
923
00:52:03,020 --> 00:52:07,325
This is just lovely.
♪ Just a jackknife ♪
924
00:52:07,325 --> 00:52:10,895
♪ Has old MacHeath, babe ♪
Just lovely.
925
00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:16,200
♪ And he keeps it
Out of sight ♪
926
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:19,203
Ah!
♪ You know when
That shark bite ♪
927
00:52:19,203 --> 00:52:22,006
♪ With his teeth babe ♪
928
00:52:22,006 --> 00:52:27,912
♪ Scarlet billows
Start to spread ♪
929
00:52:27,912 --> 00:52:33,684
♪ Fancy gloves, though
Wears old MacHeath, babe ♪
930
00:52:33,684 --> 00:52:37,855
♪ So there's never
Never a trace of red ♪
931
00:52:39,257 --> 00:52:42,059
♪ Now on the sidewalk
Huh, huh ♪
932
00:52:42,059 --> 00:52:44,462
♪ Ooh Sunday morning uh-huh ♪
933
00:52:45,396 --> 00:52:47,865
♪ Lies a body ♪
934
00:52:47,865 --> 00:52:50,134
♪ Just oozin' life ♪
935
00:52:50,134 --> 00:52:53,905
♪ Eek
And someone's sneakin' ♪
936
00:52:53,905 --> 00:52:56,941
♪ 'Tound the corner ♪
937
00:52:56,941 --> 00:53:01,646
♪ Could that someone
Be Mack the knife ♪♪
938
00:53:23,568 --> 00:53:26,003
Nine!
939
00:53:26,003 --> 00:53:28,539
ANNOUNCER:
And the sixth.
940
00:53:31,175 --> 00:53:34,645
Twenty-seven!
Ooh, twenty-seven.
941
00:53:35,580 --> 00:53:38,616
What the hell is she up to?
942
00:53:40,117 --> 00:53:43,621
You're not smart enough
to pull a thing like this off.
943
00:53:46,691 --> 00:53:49,026
Balls are just
laying there.
944
00:54:05,309 --> 00:54:07,178
Hey.
945
00:54:07,178 --> 00:54:09,647
( chuckling ): How are you?
Hey!
946
00:54:09,647 --> 00:54:12,717
Hey, you're that, uh--
you're the, uh--
947
00:54:12,717 --> 00:54:14,819
Weatherman.
Oh, shit!
948
00:54:14,819 --> 00:54:17,588
Hey, I watch you
every night!
Yeah? Thank you.
949
00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,991
Let me give you a hand.
No, it's okay.
950
00:54:19,991 --> 00:54:22,360
I insist!
I can carry my own
groceries, please.
951
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:26,063
Wow, man!
It must be great having
a job like yours, no?
952
00:54:26,063 --> 00:54:28,199
Well, it, uh,
it pays the bills.
953
00:54:28,199 --> 00:54:31,168
Nah, you guys just read
a bunch of crap
from cue cards, right?
954
00:54:31,168 --> 00:54:34,839
Cold in the east.
A storm on the right.
It looks like rain.
955
00:54:34,839 --> 00:54:37,475
Aah!
It's a little more
complicated than that.
956
00:54:37,475 --> 00:54:40,544
Let me ask you something.
I'm trying to plan my birthday
in a couple of months.
957
00:54:40,544 --> 00:54:42,847
Can you tell me if it's
going to be a nice day?
It's gonna be grand.
958
00:54:42,847 --> 00:54:45,082
Oh, right, hey,
nice meeting you.
959
00:54:45,082 --> 00:54:47,351
Always great to know a fan.
Your name was?
960
00:54:47,351 --> 00:54:49,487
Dale.
Dale.
961
00:54:49,487 --> 00:54:52,757
Yeah.
The thug?
962
00:54:52,757 --> 00:54:57,361
So, Russ, I just want
to apologize about
the last time we spoke.
963
00:54:57,361 --> 00:55:00,831
I wasn't really feeling good.
I was feeling
sort of vulnerable.
964
00:55:00,831 --> 00:55:04,035
I had fear issues come up,
being arrested and all.
That's okay.
965
00:55:04,035 --> 00:55:06,804
Oh, yeah.
Plus, I was drinking,
966
00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:09,807
which I'm really not
supposed to do, you know,
on the medication.
967
00:55:09,807 --> 00:55:11,609
Oh, I see.
Can I have some of these?
968
00:55:11,609 --> 00:55:14,812
Yeah, go ahead.
You know, it wasn't
a good moment.
969
00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:17,314
I just wanted to
make an amends.
970
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:19,617
Hey, listen,
don't you worry.
971
00:55:19,617 --> 00:55:22,286
The truth is, I should
be apologizing to you.
972
00:55:22,286 --> 00:55:26,457
I was gonna call you
about the $10,000, but
the station got so busy.
973
00:55:26,457 --> 00:55:29,326
Don't worry about
the ten grand, Russell.
974
00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:32,997
It's water
under the bridge.
Really? Wow!
975
00:55:32,997 --> 00:55:35,132
I didn't know that.
All right then.
976
00:55:35,132 --> 00:55:36,734
Okay, let's celebrate.
977
00:55:36,734 --> 00:55:38,769
Yeah, I wanna move forward
978
00:55:38,769 --> 00:55:41,605
because the new number I have
in mind is more like half a mil.
979
00:55:41,605 --> 00:55:44,709
( spits )
980
00:55:44,709 --> 00:55:47,011
( clears throat )
981
00:55:47,011 --> 00:55:49,213
Come here, Russ.
982
00:55:49,213 --> 00:55:51,415
I rather not.
Russ, come sit down.
983
00:55:51,415 --> 00:55:55,252
No, no.
Come on. Sit the fuck down!
984
00:55:55,252 --> 00:55:57,788
Okay.
985
00:55:57,788 --> 00:56:01,492
Unfortunately, Russell,
we have a new wrinkle
in the situation.
986
00:56:01,492 --> 00:56:03,494
Oh, really?
What's the wrinkle?
987
00:56:03,494 --> 00:56:06,363
Basically I had to play piñata
with Jerry the bookie's skull.
988
00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:09,066
See, that ups
the invoice a little.
Is he okay?
989
00:56:09,066 --> 00:56:11,736
No, he's dead.
Oh! Oh, god.
990
00:56:11,736 --> 00:56:13,871
You know, okay.
991
00:56:13,871 --> 00:56:16,640
I'm really uncomfortable
with this kind
of conversation.
992
00:56:16,640 --> 00:56:18,442
You know, not to mention,
993
00:56:18,442 --> 00:56:21,746
I broke my 1986 World Series
commemorative bat.
994
00:56:21,746 --> 00:56:24,715
Oh, yeah?
It was a birthday gift
from my mother.
995
00:56:24,715 --> 00:56:28,419
She's gettin' a little old,
and she's not feeling good
these days.
996
00:56:28,419 --> 00:56:31,288
She hasn't left the house
in six weeks.
Okay, just give me--
997
00:56:31,288 --> 00:56:33,924
You killed Jerry the bookie
with a bat?
998
00:56:33,924 --> 00:56:36,961
It's not like a half a mil
is gonna hurt you,
You crushed his skull?
999
00:56:36,961 --> 00:56:39,530
With that lottery ticket
of yours.
1000
00:56:42,900 --> 00:56:46,871
Get me the money, Russ.
Ohh!
1001
00:56:46,871 --> 00:56:49,106
Great, Gig.
We gotta talk about this.
1002
00:56:49,106 --> 00:56:52,543
I'll fuckin' ball-bat you,
you creep cocksucker.
1003
00:56:52,543 --> 00:56:54,712
Okay, okay.
1004
00:56:54,712 --> 00:56:56,647
Okay.
( coughing )
1005
00:56:59,784 --> 00:57:01,752
Mint Listerine?
Yeah.
1006
00:57:01,752 --> 00:57:05,356
When did they
come out with this?
I don't know.
1007
00:57:05,356 --> 00:57:07,525
Is it good?
Yeah, it's good.
1008
00:57:10,194 --> 00:57:13,097
( tires screeching )
1009
00:57:17,735 --> 00:57:22,072
All right, look,
just give this dale guy
a little extra money.
1010
00:57:22,072 --> 00:57:25,543
Big deal. It's better
than losing it all.
Better than being dead too.
1011
00:57:25,543 --> 00:57:28,813
Crystal, he hits people
with commemorative bats!
1012
00:57:28,813 --> 00:57:31,549
He's not gonna
hit you with a bat.
He's your friend.
1013
00:57:31,549 --> 00:57:33,951
What?
Yeah. You wanna see
the leather jacket I got?
1014
00:57:33,951 --> 00:57:37,988
He's not my friend.
I just met this guy.
How can he be my f--
1015
00:57:37,988 --> 00:57:40,157
Look-- $900.
( sighs )
1016
00:57:40,157 --> 00:57:43,727
Made in Italy.
I'm not screwing around
anymore, you know?
1017
00:57:43,727 --> 00:57:46,363
If it wasn't on a boat,
I don't want it.
Stop it, Crystal.
1018
00:57:46,363 --> 00:57:49,633
You have got to stop
buying things from Italy.
You are not a millionaire.
1019
00:57:49,633 --> 00:57:51,869
We-- We are not
millionaires.
1020
00:57:51,869 --> 00:57:55,539
The first thing we gotta do
is find a trustworthy,
non-asthmatic person...
1021
00:57:55,539 --> 00:57:59,310
to cash in this ticket
A.S.A.P., or we're dead.
1022
00:57:59,310 --> 00:58:01,178
Funny you should
mention that.
1023
00:58:01,178 --> 00:58:04,215
I think I have another
candidate who'd be perfect.
Oh, yeah? Who?
1024
00:58:04,215 --> 00:58:07,651
This guy that I was seeing
for a while when I was
waitressing at the racetrack.
1025
00:58:07,651 --> 00:58:10,387
I think he still
works there too.
A real sweet guy.
1026
00:58:10,387 --> 00:58:13,824
Bought me a really
expensive parrot, too,
from Brazil or something.
1027
00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:15,693
My cat bit its head off.
1028
00:58:15,693 --> 00:58:18,729
You hated that fucking bird,
didn't you, sweetie?
1029
00:58:18,729 --> 00:58:20,631
The racetrack, eh.
1030
00:58:20,631 --> 00:58:23,434
Well, actually,
he's an unofficial employee.
1031
00:58:23,434 --> 00:58:27,037
He injects horses
with some kind of shit
that makes them run faster.
1032
00:58:27,037 --> 00:58:31,942
Forget it.
Just cross him off the list.
Forget him. Who else?
1033
00:58:31,942 --> 00:58:35,012
There is Scatter,
the guy who installed
my carpet.
1034
00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:37,715
Went to high school with him.
The man's name is Scatter?
1035
00:58:37,715 --> 00:58:40,184
Yeah, well,
he's a total coke freak,
1036
00:58:40,184 --> 00:58:43,387
which could work in our favor
because he usually needs money.
1037
00:58:43,387 --> 00:58:47,091
No, junkies
are problematic.
Let's keep thinkin'.
1038
00:58:47,091 --> 00:58:49,360
Mm-hmm.
1039
00:58:51,061 --> 00:58:53,697
Wanna have sex?
Oh, yeah.
1040
00:59:11,415 --> 00:59:15,386
You know, I-- I was just
feeling good that day.
1041
00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:19,023
Yeah. I, uh--
1042
00:59:19,023 --> 00:59:22,459
I don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss, boy.
1043
00:59:22,459 --> 00:59:24,762
I'm at a total loss.
1044
00:59:24,762 --> 00:59:28,098
I mean, here you are,
supposedly injured,
all right?
1045
00:59:28,098 --> 00:59:32,903
You're collecting your full
lieutenant's salary
and full disability.
1046
00:59:32,903 --> 00:59:35,639
I didn't even
want to do this.
Matt had to talk me into it.
1047
00:59:35,639 --> 00:59:37,641
You know how stupid
I felt?
1048
00:59:37,641 --> 00:59:41,946
The lower back,
it's an enigma.
1049
00:59:41,946 --> 00:59:44,148
Pat, I'm gonna be
straight with you.
1050
00:59:44,148 --> 00:59:47,551
Obviously I have
alternatives to pursue here,
but I'm not gonna do it...
1051
00:59:47,551 --> 00:59:50,821
because-- 'cause I don't
want this getting out.
1052
00:59:50,821 --> 00:59:54,558
All right?
It makes everybody look bad.
1053
00:59:54,558 --> 00:59:58,429
From now on,
you are back on full patrol.
1054
00:59:58,429 --> 01:00:00,831
Here, get started
with this.
1055
01:00:02,766 --> 01:00:05,002
A missing person's case?
Yeah, a bookie.
1056
01:00:05,002 --> 01:00:08,372
Jerry Green.
No one's seen him
for about a week.
1057
01:00:08,372 --> 01:00:10,874
Huh. Jeez.
1058
01:00:10,874 --> 01:00:13,744
What happened to him?
I don't know, pat.
1059
01:00:13,744 --> 01:00:17,448
That's what you're
supposed to find out.
1060
01:00:17,448 --> 01:00:19,616
Right. All right.
1061
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:22,786
We talked earlier about
the fact there's a shortage
of wading pools in the area.
1062
01:00:22,786 --> 01:00:26,156
Dick? Judy said
you wanted to see me.
1063
01:00:26,156 --> 01:00:28,726
Oh, hey, sport. Have a seat.
Be right with you.
1064
01:00:28,726 --> 01:00:31,395
( chuckling )
Is that Chuck Rhodes?
1065
01:00:31,395 --> 01:00:33,163
This guy kills me.
1066
01:00:33,163 --> 01:00:34,498
I found Crystal too.
1067
01:00:34,498 --> 01:00:37,334
Oh, hiya, kid.
Judy, close the door.
1068
01:00:37,334 --> 01:00:39,603
Okay.
Thanks.
1069
01:00:39,603 --> 01:00:43,140
What's going on?
( laughing )
1070
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:45,009
( TV turns off )
1071
01:00:47,011 --> 01:00:50,214
So, Russ,
how's the finances?
What?
1072
01:00:50,214 --> 01:00:52,082
What?
The finances.
1073
01:00:52,082 --> 01:00:54,151
W-- Great.
Good.
1074
01:00:54,151 --> 01:00:58,956
Because you seemed to be
in a bind a few weeks ago.
Well, that was then.
1075
01:00:58,956 --> 01:01:02,159
Terrific.
And how are you, honey?
We haven't talked in a while.
1076
01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:05,562
Did you know may left me?
Jeez, I'm so sorry about that.
1077
01:01:05,562 --> 01:01:07,965
Life's tough.
And how.
1078
01:01:07,965 --> 01:01:11,035
But you seem
to be doing well.
I'm great.
1079
01:01:11,035 --> 01:01:14,471
Why wouldn't you be great,
with a friend like Russ here?
1080
01:01:15,973 --> 01:01:19,209
Yeah. Look at that, huh?
Oh, jeez.
1081
01:01:19,209 --> 01:01:21,545
Oh, boy.
1082
01:01:21,545 --> 01:01:24,381
How 'bout that?
1083
01:01:24,381 --> 01:01:26,583
Don't say a word,
not one.
1084
01:01:26,583 --> 01:01:31,321
'cause if I hear one
bullshit comment like, "What
are you talking about?"...
1085
01:01:31,321 --> 01:01:33,590
I'm gonna call the cops.
What?
1086
01:01:33,590 --> 01:01:37,728
Wh-what do you mean?
It slipped out, Dick.
We're listening. Go ahead.
1087
01:01:37,728 --> 01:01:39,763
I chewed on it
for three days,
1088
01:01:39,763 --> 01:01:43,534
and I'm convinced
I have enough evidence to
fuck you both up big time.
1089
01:01:43,534 --> 01:01:46,670
Bullshit.
You don't have any evidence.
What is that?
1090
01:01:46,670 --> 01:01:48,572
Stop it. Shut up. You shut up.
You shut up.
1091
01:01:48,572 --> 01:01:50,874
Shut up! No.
That's bullshit.
1092
01:01:50,874 --> 01:01:52,943
Dick, you have the floor.
You have the floor.
1093
01:01:52,943 --> 01:01:55,712
Go ahead.
Short and sweet.
1094
01:01:55,712 --> 01:01:57,581
I want half the money,
1095
01:01:57,581 --> 01:01:59,516
or I'll have you arrested,
1096
01:01:59,516 --> 01:02:02,753
and I might even do it
on air, live.
1097
01:02:02,753 --> 01:02:06,123
Imagine the ratings.
I'd like to see you
fucking try, asshole.
1098
01:02:06,123 --> 01:02:08,592
You're gonna see me.
I'll kill you,
I swear to god!
1099
01:02:08,592 --> 01:02:11,829
I'm gonna kill you!
You treacherous little bitch!
1100
01:02:11,829 --> 01:02:13,697
You got one week
to get your shit together.
1101
01:02:13,697 --> 01:02:17,201
Hey, you listening to me?
I want the money.
( door slams )
1102
01:02:17,201 --> 01:02:20,671
Okay. Okay.
Okay, let's do a little math.
1103
01:02:20,671 --> 01:02:23,841
You want 20 percent,
Dale wants half a million,
God bless him.
1104
01:02:23,841 --> 01:02:26,009
Dick wants half
of everything.
1105
01:02:26,009 --> 01:02:30,514
I don't have a calculator,
but it seems to me
I'm suddenly in debt again!
1106
01:02:30,514 --> 01:02:34,218
Dale's money
comes out of your share.
He's your friend.
1107
01:02:34,218 --> 01:02:37,521
He's not my friend.
He's his friend.
I hardly know the man.
1108
01:02:37,521 --> 01:02:39,656
Who cares?
It's all fuckin' moot now.
1109
01:02:39,656 --> 01:02:42,326
The only thing that's moot to me
is the Dick Simmons issue.
1110
01:02:42,326 --> 01:02:43,927
CRYSTAL: Yeah.
1111
01:02:43,927 --> 01:02:46,697
You get a toothache,
you pull the tooth.
1112
01:02:46,697 --> 01:02:48,866
What does that mean?
1113
01:02:48,866 --> 01:02:51,468
Let's kill the son of a bitch.
Oh, god!
1114
01:02:51,468 --> 01:02:53,270
CRYSTAL: Yes!
No!
1115
01:02:53,270 --> 01:02:56,440
Yes!
One quick call to dale,
and we're back on track.
1116
01:02:56,440 --> 01:02:58,609
Absolutely!
Let's do it.
1117
01:02:58,609 --> 01:03:00,811
What is wrong with you?
1118
01:03:00,811 --> 01:03:02,713
He threatened us.
Just remember that.
1119
01:03:02,713 --> 01:03:06,183
It is extortion.
Does that mean
he's gotta be dead?
1120
01:03:06,183 --> 01:03:08,619
We're not giving him
half our money.
What money?
1121
01:03:08,619 --> 01:03:11,555
That worthless scrap
of shit we have?
Yeah, okay.
1122
01:03:11,555 --> 01:03:15,726
Maybe it's time for your friend,
the drug-addicted
carpet installer.
1123
01:03:15,726 --> 01:03:19,363
Oh, Scatter.
Scatter! Yeah!
Maybe he could help us.
1124
01:03:19,363 --> 01:03:22,833
This is killing me.
I have slept five hours
this whole week.
1125
01:03:22,833 --> 01:03:26,336
Oh, god, here we go.
I have dandruff
with flakes this big.
1126
01:03:26,336 --> 01:03:28,172
I've gained two pounds!
1127
01:03:28,172 --> 01:03:31,508
Listen to my voice.
I'm losing my instrument.
1128
01:03:31,508 --> 01:03:33,410
Shouting isn't helping.
1129
01:03:33,410 --> 01:03:35,012
WOMAN: Gig?
Yeah?
1130
01:03:35,012 --> 01:03:37,281
There's a couple of cops
in the club asking for you.
1131
01:03:37,281 --> 01:03:39,550
I'll be right in.
Oh, great!
1132
01:03:39,550 --> 01:03:43,453
Now there's cops in the club.
I've always wanted to give
an inmate fame.
1133
01:03:43,453 --> 01:03:46,557
They kill the celebrities first
and then they fuck 'em
in the butt.
1134
01:03:46,557 --> 01:03:50,260
Will you just relax, please?
There are cops always
in this club.
1135
01:03:50,260 --> 01:03:53,030
They're probably arranging
an engagement party.
Yeah, right.
1136
01:03:53,030 --> 01:03:56,800
Just hold on a tick.
Yeah.
1137
01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:59,136
STEREO:
♪ Toe to toe ♪
1138
01:03:59,136 --> 01:04:03,540
♪ Dancing very close ♪
1139
01:04:03,540 --> 01:04:07,010
♪ Body breathing ♪♪
GIG: Good evening, officers.
1140
01:04:07,010 --> 01:04:10,714
What can I do for you?
Are you the owner?
1141
01:04:10,714 --> 01:04:13,150
Yes, I am. Gig.
1142
01:04:13,150 --> 01:04:17,788
Gig, do you know a guy
by the name of Jerry Green?
1143
01:04:17,788 --> 01:04:20,557
He apparently is known
to come in here.
1144
01:04:20,557 --> 01:04:24,027
Yeah, Jerry the bookie.
Comes in here all the time.
1145
01:04:24,027 --> 01:04:27,030
Has he been in here lately,
because, I mean,
1146
01:04:27,030 --> 01:04:29,433
nobody's seen this guy
around for a while.
1147
01:04:29,433 --> 01:04:32,002
Ah...
1148
01:04:32,002 --> 01:04:34,304
about a week ago,
I think.
1149
01:04:34,304 --> 01:04:37,207
Huh.
1150
01:04:40,844 --> 01:04:44,047
♪ Back to back ♪
1151
01:04:44,047 --> 01:04:47,150
♪ Sacroiliac ♪
1152
01:04:48,852 --> 01:04:51,955
♪ Spineless movement ♪
1153
01:04:51,955 --> 01:04:55,259
♪ And a wild attack ♪♪
Excuse me, you wanna
get back to this?
1154
01:04:55,259 --> 01:04:59,496
Maybe ask another question
or two?
Yeah, yeah.
1155
01:04:59,496 --> 01:05:02,866
Where... do you find girls
like that?
1156
01:05:02,866 --> 01:05:04,968
I mean, who'd do
that kind of stuff.
1157
01:05:04,968 --> 01:05:07,237
Well, you know,
it's remarkably easy.
1158
01:05:07,237 --> 01:05:09,072
You'd be surprised.
1159
01:05:09,072 --> 01:05:13,944
These two, I believe,
we imported from
upstate New York.
1160
01:05:13,944 --> 01:05:18,915
I was gonna say,
they seem like...
Albany girls.
1161
01:05:21,718 --> 01:05:25,355
Uh, so, anyway, we just
wanted to drop by...
1162
01:05:25,355 --> 01:05:29,059
and find out
if you've seen this guy.
1163
01:05:29,059 --> 01:05:30,894
Well, I'll
let you know.
1164
01:05:30,894 --> 01:05:34,898
Although, with Jerry,
he could be shacked up
anywhere.
1165
01:05:34,898 --> 01:05:36,967
He's a bookie,
for Christ s sake.
1166
01:05:39,102 --> 01:05:43,907
It was nothing. Nothing.
The word "lotto"
never even came up.
1167
01:05:43,907 --> 01:05:46,443
See, Mr. Crazy Man?
Thank god!
1168
01:05:46,443 --> 01:05:48,211
They were checking on Jerry.
A missing person's thing.
1169
01:05:48,211 --> 01:05:50,447
They asked about Jerry?
1170
01:05:50,447 --> 01:05:53,483
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was just routine.
Not routine.
1171
01:05:53,483 --> 01:05:56,286
It's called
a murder investigation.
1172
01:05:56,286 --> 01:05:58,922
No, trust me.
Dale took care
of everything.
1173
01:05:58,922 --> 01:06:01,625
They'll find a cure for cancer
before they find Jerry.
1174
01:06:01,625 --> 01:06:05,162
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.
1175
01:06:05,162 --> 01:06:08,899
( news show theme )
Covering Harrisburg, New York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,
1176
01:06:08,899 --> 01:06:12,369
it's News at Five
with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
1177
01:06:12,369 --> 01:06:14,371
and Russ Richards
with the weather.
1178
01:06:14,371 --> 01:06:18,775
( music continues )
This is News at Five.
1179
01:06:18,775 --> 01:06:21,445
Our top story tonight:
1180
01:06:21,445 --> 01:06:26,717
the body of a local bookmaker
was found floating
in the Susquehanna River today.
1181
01:06:26,717 --> 01:06:31,254
Police say it was
definitely foul play
and are following leads.
1182
01:06:31,254 --> 01:06:33,256
More on that story
in a moment.
1183
01:06:33,256 --> 01:06:35,192
First, let's check in
with the weather center...
1184
01:06:35,192 --> 01:06:38,962
to see if we can expect more of
these springlike temperatures.
1185
01:06:38,962 --> 01:06:40,964
Russ?
1186
01:06:40,964 --> 01:06:42,833
Russ?
1187
01:06:44,534 --> 01:06:46,503
Oh, yeah?
1188
01:06:46,503 --> 01:06:49,639
How about these
springlike temperatures?
What?
1189
01:06:49,639 --> 01:06:53,877
The uncommonly warm weather--
will it continue?
1190
01:06:56,713 --> 01:06:59,383
Russ?
Russ?
1191
01:07:00,751 --> 01:07:04,054
Uh, um, wh-what
was that question?
1192
01:07:04,054 --> 01:07:06,323
Thanks, Russ.
1193
01:07:06,323 --> 01:07:11,161
Well, it seems like we can
keep those thermal socks
in the cedar closet...
1194
01:07:11,161 --> 01:07:13,163
for the time being then.
1195
01:07:13,163 --> 01:07:14,998
That's right, Dan.
1196
01:07:14,998 --> 01:07:17,801
Police are calling it...
1197
01:07:17,801 --> 01:07:22,439
the crudest attempt
to dispose of a body
in recent memory.
1198
01:07:22,439 --> 01:07:24,708
Jerry Green
of Linglestown...
1199
01:07:24,708 --> 01:07:26,843
was apparently
bludgeoned to death...
1200
01:07:26,843 --> 01:07:30,514
and then dropped into the river
with a small brick
taped to one wrist.
1201
01:07:30,514 --> 01:07:35,352
Police say this was
insufficient weight
to keep the corpse submerged.
1202
01:07:52,669 --> 01:07:54,471
( sighs )
1203
01:07:54,471 --> 01:07:57,541
What time did they pull
this bookie out of the river?
1204
01:07:57,541 --> 01:08:02,179
Scotty told me around 6:00.
Ted told me 8:00.
1205
01:08:02,179 --> 01:08:05,148
It's like a fucking
guessing game.
1206
01:08:05,148 --> 01:08:09,152
They pulled him at 6:00
and bagged him at 8:00.
1207
01:08:09,152 --> 01:08:13,089
Was he nude?
Somebody said he had
a t-shirt on.
1208
01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:17,027
Why don't you get off
your ass and check
the reports, man?
1209
01:08:21,064 --> 01:08:23,867
I'm goin' with nude.
1210
01:08:23,867 --> 01:08:26,870
I'm so glad this thing
is finally over.
1211
01:08:28,071 --> 01:08:30,440
What does that mean?
1212
01:08:30,440 --> 01:08:33,143
We don't have to look
for this guy anymore.
1213
01:08:33,143 --> 01:08:35,645
Gee, wouldn't it be great if we
found out who killed him?
1214
01:08:35,645 --> 01:08:39,049
I realize that entails
a little more work, but I'm
just thinkin' out loud.
1215
01:08:39,049 --> 01:08:42,786
Has it ever occurred to you,
chambers, that he was drunk...
1216
01:08:42,786 --> 01:08:44,721
and he just slipped
off the bridge?
1217
01:08:44,721 --> 01:08:47,924
Hmm? A little thing
called an accident.
1218
01:08:47,924 --> 01:08:51,461
Why is everybody around here
so foul-play happy?
1219
01:08:51,461 --> 01:08:53,864
The man was bludgeoned
to death, Lakewood!
1220
01:08:53,864 --> 01:08:56,733
His skull was bashed in,
he had a plastic bag
over his head...
1221
01:08:56,733 --> 01:08:59,402
and duct tape
around his neck.
1222
01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:02,572
Keep going.
1223
01:09:08,712 --> 01:09:11,648
MAN ON TV:
You're in a very small,
select group of guys.
1224
01:09:11,648 --> 01:09:13,717
What is it that
makes you successful...
1225
01:09:13,717 --> 01:09:16,353
and all the others
knocking on the doors
not so successful?
1226
01:09:16,353 --> 01:09:17,587
MAN 2:
I'm not so sure.
1227
01:09:17,587 --> 01:09:19,589
As I travel around the country,
1228
01:09:19,589 --> 01:09:22,192
I see on television guys
who would make good
game show hosts,
1229
01:09:22,192 --> 01:09:24,995
but I don't tell 'em.
( laughter )
1230
01:09:24,995 --> 01:09:30,100
I think, to me,
the analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake.
1231
01:09:30,100 --> 01:09:33,270
But the format is the cake.
No one--
1232
01:09:33,270 --> 01:09:36,573
( man talking on TV )
1233
01:09:36,573 --> 01:09:39,543
I'll love you
till the day I die.
1234
01:09:42,279 --> 01:09:45,081
Yes! And again.
1235
01:09:45,081 --> 01:09:47,751
MAN:
At 2:15 that afternoon,
Johnny Clay--
1236
01:09:47,751 --> 01:09:50,554
( TV continues, faint )
1237
01:10:37,701 --> 01:10:40,604
He's expecting me.
Come in.
1238
01:10:44,674 --> 01:10:46,476
I don't know why I did it.
1239
01:10:46,476 --> 01:10:50,046
It all unraveled
and then one thing happened
after another.
1240
01:10:50,046 --> 01:10:53,016
Jesus.
I'm still in shock, boss.
1241
01:10:53,016 --> 01:10:55,218
I'm in so much trouble,
Larry.
1242
01:10:55,218 --> 01:11:00,223
No man becomes wise
without stepping on
the soil of fools.
1243
01:11:00,223 --> 01:11:02,759
Right. Right!
1244
01:11:02,759 --> 01:11:05,095
But I never claimed
to be--
1245
01:11:05,095 --> 01:11:07,831
That's good.
Where did you get that?
Is that from the Bible?
1246
01:11:07,831 --> 01:11:11,835
Actually, it's from this play
I wrote in eighth grade
about Evel Knievel.
1247
01:11:11,835 --> 01:11:14,871
Oh.
What are you gonna do?
1248
01:11:14,871 --> 01:11:16,940
Well, I have a plan,
I do.
1249
01:11:16,940 --> 01:11:19,676
But I need money.
I need it fast.
1250
01:11:19,676 --> 01:11:23,513
So I was thinking about that guy
who wanted the snowmobiles,
the one in Colorado?
1251
01:11:23,513 --> 01:11:27,017
Yeah.
Well, you think
he's still interested?
1252
01:11:27,017 --> 01:11:30,020
Yeah, I think so,
but you'd have to find
some way to deliver 'em.
1253
01:11:31,054 --> 01:11:35,125
Set it up.
Set... it... up.
1254
01:11:35,125 --> 01:11:37,694
DICK:
A hundred thousand dollars?
That's right.
1255
01:11:37,694 --> 01:11:42,499
You wanna sell me a lotto
ticket worth $6.4 million
for $100,000?
1256
01:11:42,499 --> 01:11:44,300
Correct.
I want out.
1257
01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:47,437
However, this is
a one-time-only offer, Dick.
One-time-only.
1258
01:11:47,437 --> 01:11:49,873
I want the money,
I want it tonight
at the station.
1259
01:11:49,873 --> 01:11:53,843
If I hear any excuses,
any bullshit comments like,
"I can only get part of it"...
1260
01:11:53,843 --> 01:11:55,712
or "I need more time,"
The deal is off.
1261
01:11:55,712 --> 01:11:58,281
Be reasonable.
It'll take me a couple of days--
Deal's off.
1262
01:11:58,281 --> 01:12:01,918
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Good decision.
1263
01:12:09,959 --> 01:12:12,929
RUSS:
Now, I believe that I have
solved all of our problems.
1264
01:12:12,929 --> 01:12:16,933
CRYSTAL: Really?
What century is this guy in?
Why don't you pass him?
1265
01:12:19,069 --> 01:12:21,938
Put a motor on it,
Jake!
1266
01:12:21,938 --> 01:12:24,974
A year and a half
behind this freak.
1267
01:12:24,974 --> 01:12:28,645
One, I found a buyer
for the snowmobiles,
a guy in Colorado.
1268
01:12:28,645 --> 01:12:31,614
I'm renting a trailer,
and I'm gonna
deliver them myself.
1269
01:12:31,614 --> 01:12:34,217
But why Colorado?
But, uh, uh!
1270
01:12:34,217 --> 01:12:37,353
Number two:
the lotto ticket.
I sold it to Dick.
1271
01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:41,324
Hundred grand cash.
Now it's his problem.
I don't think so.
1272
01:12:41,324 --> 01:12:44,861
Number three,
which is probably
the most important of all,
1273
01:12:44,861 --> 01:12:47,797
I'm leaving tonight
for good.
1274
01:12:47,797 --> 01:12:49,733
Now, questions.
1275
01:12:49,733 --> 01:12:51,401
( tires screech )
1276
01:12:51,401 --> 01:12:55,171
You fucked up
the whole thing!
You screwed it all up!
1277
01:12:55,171 --> 01:12:57,574
Stop it!
You crazy fool!
1278
01:12:57,574 --> 01:12:59,909
God, and I could've got
a car and everything!
1279
01:12:59,909 --> 01:13:01,978
Hey, now listen.
1280
01:13:01,978 --> 01:13:04,013
If I didn't do this,
we would be in jail
1281
01:13:04,013 --> 01:13:06,015
or at the bottom of a river...
1282
01:13:06,015 --> 01:13:08,384
with bricks taped
around our wrists.
( groans )
1283
01:13:08,384 --> 01:13:11,755
And you know it.
Oh, my God.
You're so stupid.
1284
01:13:11,755 --> 01:13:13,823
Oh!
Oh, Crystal.
1285
01:13:13,823 --> 01:13:16,693
We are under surveillance.
Oh, yeah?
1286
01:13:16,693 --> 01:13:19,729
Yes. Last night I stopped by
a convenience store.
1287
01:13:19,729 --> 01:13:24,734
A cop pulled in behind me,
he got out, he followed me in...
1288
01:13:24,734 --> 01:13:27,804
and then he pretended
to get a cup of coffee!
1289
01:13:27,804 --> 01:13:29,806
Did he pretend
to get a doughnut?
1290
01:13:29,806 --> 01:13:31,775
Oh, you know--
You are nuts!
1291
01:13:31,775 --> 01:13:35,311
You need to see
a psychiatrist.
Oh, I'm nuts?
1292
01:13:35,311 --> 01:13:39,582
You can't handle this!
What about this little puppy?
1293
01:13:39,582 --> 01:13:44,154
There's enough mist
in this thing
to save ten masturbators.
1294
01:13:45,255 --> 01:13:48,258
( rock music playing )
1295
01:13:49,893 --> 01:13:53,329
♪ Ain't no big thing
To wait-- ♪♪
1296
01:13:53,329 --> 01:13:55,565
That's an ugly turn of events.
Mm-hmm.
1297
01:13:55,565 --> 01:13:58,468
Mmm! What is this?
( music continues, faint )
1298
01:13:58,468 --> 01:14:01,004
Schnapps?
What, am I in third grade?
1299
01:14:01,004 --> 01:14:02,372
Can I have a drink, please?
1300
01:14:02,372 --> 01:14:04,507
Let's just talk
this through, shall we?
1301
01:14:05,909 --> 01:14:09,379
You're saying that Russ,
in his infinite wisdom,
1302
01:14:09,379 --> 01:14:12,582
Yeah.
Sold the ticket
for a hundred grand.
1303
01:14:12,582 --> 01:14:16,286
Can you believe it?
A $6 million ticket!
1304
01:14:16,286 --> 01:14:20,690
I've got more brains
in my... shoe!
( grunts )
1305
01:14:20,690 --> 01:14:24,160
You know, Russ never really
had the stomach for this
sort of thing, did he?
1306
01:14:24,160 --> 01:14:28,164
Well, I do,
and I want that ticket back,
and I want Dick Simmons dead!
1307
01:14:28,164 --> 01:14:30,533
Do you hear me?
1308
01:14:30,533 --> 01:14:33,069
Fine. Fine.
1309
01:14:33,069 --> 01:14:35,705
Speed dial.
I love it.
1310
01:14:35,705 --> 01:14:39,108
And I want his head cut off
so I can hang it
from my rearview mirror!
1311
01:14:39,108 --> 01:14:41,110
That's just your anger talking.
Yeah.
1312
01:14:41,110 --> 01:14:43,279
Dale. Dale, it's Gig.
1313
01:14:43,279 --> 01:14:45,014
His machine.
Oh.
1314
01:14:45,014 --> 01:14:49,185
Um, see, things have got
a little bit sticky over here.
1315
01:14:49,185 --> 01:14:53,156
Slight change of plans,
nothing that your deft touch
couldn't rectify.
1316
01:14:53,156 --> 01:14:56,960
So either swing by
or just return the call.
That'd be marvelous.
1317
01:14:56,960 --> 01:14:59,896
Thank you.
Great.
1318
01:14:59,896 --> 01:15:02,866
Slight snag though.
What?
1319
01:15:02,866 --> 01:15:08,304
Well, Dale-- bless him--
has been doing favor
after favor for us.
1320
01:15:08,304 --> 01:15:11,641
If it's not one thing,
it's... the other. So--
1321
01:15:11,641 --> 01:15:14,210
So what's your point?
( sighs )
1322
01:15:14,210 --> 01:15:19,315
If he's gets the ticket back
for us, we're gonna have to
give him a little more money.
1323
01:15:19,315 --> 01:15:22,752
No. No way. N-O.
That would only be fair.
1324
01:15:22,752 --> 01:15:25,388
There is a limit
to my classiness.
1325
01:15:26,456 --> 01:15:29,492
Quite obviously.
Shut up!
1326
01:15:29,492 --> 01:15:32,328
I'll handle this.
You just leave dale
out of it.
1327
01:15:32,328 --> 01:15:35,598
Bunch of morons.
I have to do everything
myself!
1328
01:15:49,412 --> 01:15:51,547
Hi.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
1329
01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:54,350
An old face from the past.
What's on your mind, gorgeous?
1330
01:15:54,350 --> 01:15:57,287
Oh, nothin'.
Just wanted to say hello.
Really? That's sweet.
1331
01:15:57,287 --> 01:16:00,490
'Cause the last time
we chatted, I believe you
threatened to kill me.
1332
01:16:00,490 --> 01:16:02,992
Gee, has something changed
since then?
1333
01:16:02,992 --> 01:16:07,397
Well, you really did
outsmart us, didn't you?
Screwed us royally.
1334
01:16:07,397 --> 01:16:10,600
I'm impressed, Dick.
I'm like a lion that way.
1335
01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:13,336
I hide in the weeds,
bide my time,
1336
01:16:13,336 --> 01:16:17,340
then I jump out
and tear the ass off
some dumb buffalo.
1337
01:16:17,340 --> 01:16:19,676
Ooh. So, Mr. Lion,
1338
01:16:19,676 --> 01:16:22,512
how are you gonna
cash in that ticket?
1339
01:16:22,512 --> 01:16:25,515
I'll think of something.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
1340
01:16:25,515 --> 01:16:27,951
Believe me, honey,
I sleep like a baby,
1341
01:16:27,951 --> 01:16:30,353
'cause the second you try
to cash in that little fucker,
1342
01:16:30,353 --> 01:16:33,456
I'm going straight
to the Lottery Commission
and tell them everything.
1343
01:16:33,456 --> 01:16:37,627
If you did that, angel,
I'd rat you out quicker
than a frog can take a piss.
1344
01:16:37,627 --> 01:16:39,562
Mmm.
1345
01:16:47,236 --> 01:16:49,839
What do you want?
Halfsies.
1346
01:16:49,839 --> 01:16:51,708
Half.
1347
01:16:54,877 --> 01:16:58,681
Have you been exercising?
'Cause you look great.
1348
01:17:04,387 --> 01:17:06,522
Deal.
1349
01:17:09,592 --> 01:17:13,363
Nothing like rekindling
an old friendship.
1350
01:17:44,627 --> 01:17:46,763
Hey, that's him.
Wagstaff.
1351
01:17:46,763 --> 01:17:49,932
Wagstaff?
Yes, Wagstaff.
1352
01:17:49,932 --> 01:17:51,734
Are you sure?
1353
01:17:51,734 --> 01:17:53,903
Yeah, light hair, 6'2",
lives at this address.
1354
01:17:53,903 --> 01:17:56,105
You need anything else?
Does he have a record?
1355
01:17:56,105 --> 01:17:58,107
You should read
the report sometime.
1356
01:17:58,107 --> 01:17:59,642
Wagstaff was overheard
1357
01:17:59,642 --> 01:18:01,444
bragging about the bookie's
murder in a bar.
1358
01:18:01,444 --> 01:18:03,579
Oh, what a jerk.
1359
01:18:03,579 --> 01:18:05,982
You know what would
be unfortunate?
1360
01:18:05,982 --> 01:18:09,786
If we got into that whole
let's-follow-him rigmarole.
1361
01:18:09,786 --> 01:18:13,589
( tires screeching )
Oh, perfect.
1362
01:18:23,366 --> 01:18:26,069
( grunting )
1363
01:18:26,069 --> 01:18:29,605
Oh, man!
It's getting cold out, huh?
1364
01:18:29,605 --> 01:18:33,109
I never realized
how heavy these things were.
Yeah, 4-40s, you know.
1365
01:18:33,109 --> 01:18:35,711
K.C.-inducted engines,
twin carbs.
1366
01:18:35,711 --> 01:18:37,613
Just touch that throttle
and boom!
1367
01:18:37,613 --> 01:18:39,849
It's like gettin'
a chick off.
1368
01:18:39,849 --> 01:18:43,519
Jeez, I hope that
wasn't your sales pitch.
Oh, yeah.
1369
01:18:43,519 --> 01:18:45,721
You actually
said that to people?
1370
01:18:45,721 --> 01:18:49,058
Well, you know,
just like biker types.
1371
01:18:49,058 --> 01:18:50,927
Huh.
1372
01:18:53,329 --> 01:18:55,198
Hey, Russ.
1373
01:18:56,499 --> 01:18:58,935
Check it out.
1374
01:19:01,537 --> 01:19:03,339
I don't believe it.
1375
01:19:03,339 --> 01:19:07,643
I thought you called
for partly cloudy
and pleasant tonight.
1376
01:19:07,643 --> 01:19:09,712
A backdoor cold front.
1377
01:19:09,712 --> 01:19:12,215
A what?
A backdoor cold front.
1378
01:19:12,215 --> 01:19:13,649
Rare.
1379
01:19:13,649 --> 01:19:16,586
Almost impossible
to predict.
1380
01:19:16,586 --> 01:19:21,824
The atmosphere--
a beautiful yet fickle
beast she is.
1381
01:19:21,824 --> 01:19:24,193
Is that from
the Evel Knievel play?
1382
01:19:24,193 --> 01:19:26,062
Yup.
1383
01:19:31,801 --> 01:19:34,637
( sighs )
1384
01:19:48,417 --> 01:19:50,987
( engine backfires )
1385
01:19:52,288 --> 01:19:54,957
( backfires )
1386
01:20:09,972 --> 01:20:12,141
CHAMBERS:
Where in the hell
is he going?
1387
01:20:12,141 --> 01:20:13,576
Beats me.
1388
01:20:13,576 --> 01:20:17,246
He's definitely
up to something.
Definitely.
1389
01:20:17,246 --> 01:20:20,750
We should call for backup.
You know, it never hurts.
1390
01:20:20,750 --> 01:20:22,985
You know, backup,
it's like an old friend.
1391
01:20:22,985 --> 01:20:28,991
It's like an old, comfortable
sweatshirt you slip into
on a cold winter's night.
1392
01:20:28,991 --> 01:20:33,229
Are you listening, chambers?
Get your head out
of the clouds!
1393
01:20:45,808 --> 01:20:47,810
Hey.
( moans )
1394
01:20:47,810 --> 01:20:50,613
Hey, wake up.
1395
01:20:50,613 --> 01:20:52,815
Come on. Wake up.
1396
01:20:57,253 --> 01:21:00,690
Fuck it.
( Crystal screams )
1397
01:21:00,690 --> 01:21:03,059
What?
Wake the fuck up!
1398
01:21:03,059 --> 01:21:05,061
What is this?
What do you want?
1399
01:21:05,061 --> 01:21:06,896
You know what I want.
My wallet's in my pants.
1400
01:21:06,896 --> 01:21:08,331
Take the $50 out of my wallet.
1401
01:21:08,331 --> 01:21:10,866
And don't hurt me!
I'm just sleeping over.
1402
01:21:10,866 --> 01:21:12,635
Where's the ticket?
What ticket?
1403
01:21:12,635 --> 01:21:13,970
Gig sent you?
1404
01:21:13,970 --> 01:21:15,805
The fuckin' Tooth Fairy
sent me, Twiggy.
1405
01:21:15,805 --> 01:21:17,740
Who do you think?
Hey, please leave.
1406
01:21:17,740 --> 01:21:19,609
Don't fuckin'
play games with me.
1407
01:21:19,609 --> 01:21:21,410
I'm hopped up on wine coolers
and antidepressants.
1408
01:21:21,410 --> 01:21:23,079
I'm not feelin' good.
Where is it?
1409
01:21:23,079 --> 01:21:25,014
I don't know what
you're talking about.
1410
01:21:25,014 --> 01:21:26,782
You don't know?
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
1411
01:21:26,782 --> 01:21:29,385
Do you like baseball?
What?
1412
01:21:29,385 --> 01:21:31,420
Do you like baseball?
Yes.
1413
01:21:31,420 --> 01:21:33,756
Who's your favorite player?
Ted Williams.
1414
01:21:33,756 --> 01:21:37,093
Ted Williams. Oh, yeah.
He had some swing.
It was sort of like this.
1415
01:21:37,093 --> 01:21:38,928
( both screaming )
1416
01:21:38,928 --> 01:21:41,731
No, hey, hey.
Hold on.
1417
01:21:41,731 --> 01:21:44,300
Just take it easy.
I'm gonna call for backup.
1418
01:21:44,300 --> 01:21:47,803
I'm gonna go around the back.
You cover the front.
No, you're in cowboy mode.
1419
01:21:47,803 --> 01:21:50,806
Stop that!
Wait for backup.
1420
01:21:50,806 --> 01:21:53,809
Oh, shit. Shit.
1421
01:21:53,809 --> 01:21:57,079
Shit!
1422
01:21:57,079 --> 01:22:00,383
Are we speaking
the same language now?
I'm gonna give him the ticket.
1423
01:22:00,383 --> 01:22:02,518
It's not worth it.
Life's too precious.
1424
01:22:02,518 --> 01:22:06,522
Good girl. You see,
that's all I ask for,
a little cooperation.
1425
01:22:06,522 --> 01:22:09,792
Here's your cooperation,
you mongoloid piece of shit!
Aaah! Ooh!
1426
01:22:09,792 --> 01:22:13,529
Oh!
Aah! Aah.
1427
01:22:18,534 --> 01:22:20,636
( door slams )
Police! Freeze!
1428
01:22:20,636 --> 01:22:23,706
Don't shoot! No, no!
There's a raving crazy guy
up there!
1429
01:22:23,706 --> 01:22:26,409
Just go kill him.
1430
01:22:50,800 --> 01:22:52,768
Aah! Ohh!
1431
01:22:52,768 --> 01:22:54,570
Lakewood, I'm hit!
1432
01:22:54,570 --> 01:22:58,607
Huh? Say what?
Don't let him through!
1433
01:23:05,648 --> 01:23:07,717
Aah!
1434
01:23:11,987 --> 01:23:14,357
CRYSTAL:
Somebody!
1435
01:23:15,691 --> 01:23:18,561
Get me a fucking robe!
1436
01:23:36,245 --> 01:23:40,082
Isn't it ironic?
Yeah, ironic.
1437
01:23:40,082 --> 01:23:43,686
Just another word for saying
you're getting screwed.
1438
01:23:43,686 --> 01:23:46,389
But so what, right?
It's all over now anyway.
1439
01:23:46,389 --> 01:23:51,394
In a little while,
bim-bam-boom, I've got this town
in the rearview mirror.
1440
01:23:51,394 --> 01:23:53,796
Hey, take me with you, boss.
What?
1441
01:23:53,796 --> 01:23:56,766
Yeah, a little
Colorado road trip.
No, no, Larry.
1442
01:23:56,766 --> 01:23:58,701
Come on. Let me go.
1443
01:23:58,701 --> 01:24:01,570
I'm practically a fugitive.
I can't take you with me.
1444
01:24:01,570 --> 01:24:05,007
Well, Russ, today, yeah,
1445
01:24:05,007 --> 01:24:07,643
I'm an authorized
Yamaha sales associate,
1446
01:24:07,643 --> 01:24:09,979
but tomorrow
I'm just another guy...
1447
01:24:09,979 --> 01:24:13,616
boxing Peanut Butter Cups
at Hershey.
1448
01:24:13,616 --> 01:24:16,051
Come on, Russ.
I have faith in you, man.
1449
01:24:16,051 --> 01:24:19,155
Really? You would
just drop everything
to come with me?
1450
01:24:19,155 --> 01:24:21,257
Yeah, let the word
go forth--
1451
01:24:21,257 --> 01:24:25,294
the Russ Richards freight train
is about to leave the station.
1452
01:24:25,294 --> 01:24:27,763
New horizons,
new conquests.
1453
01:24:27,763 --> 01:24:31,200
Ready to kick some new ass.
Bob Barker, watch out.
1454
01:24:31,200 --> 01:24:33,335
Russ Richards
is headin' west.
1455
01:24:33,335 --> 01:24:35,871
Now let's see what's
behind door number three.
Whoo-hoo!
1456
01:24:38,441 --> 01:24:42,711
♪ You brought me fame
And fortune and everything
That goes with it ♪
1457
01:24:42,711 --> 01:24:44,713
♪ I thank you all ♪
1458
01:24:44,713 --> 01:24:47,950
Come on.
♪ This will be
No bed of roses ♪
1459
01:24:47,950 --> 01:24:50,186
All right, I'll take
the first eight hours.
1460
01:24:50,186 --> 01:24:54,423
You ever driven
one of these things?
Nope.
1461
01:24:54,423 --> 01:24:58,160
♪ I consider it a challenge
Before the whole human race
And I never lose ♪
1462
01:24:58,160 --> 01:25:00,162
All right.
Here we go.
1463
01:25:00,162 --> 01:25:04,867
Hey. Yeah, baby.
( laughing )
1464
01:25:04,867 --> 01:25:08,070
♪ We are the champions ♪
1465
01:25:08,070 --> 01:25:10,339
♪ My friends ♪
1466
01:25:11,807 --> 01:25:14,577
♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪
1467
01:25:14,577 --> 01:25:16,879
♪ Till the end ♪
1468
01:25:16,879 --> 01:25:19,548
Damn the torpedoes!
Full speed ahead!
1469
01:25:19,548 --> 01:25:23,486
Whoo!
♪ We are the champions ♪
1470
01:25:23,486 --> 01:25:27,323
♪ We are the champions ♪
1471
01:25:27,323 --> 01:25:30,726
♪ No time for losers ♪
1472
01:25:30,726 --> 01:25:34,129
♪ 'Cause we are
The champions ♪♪
1473
01:25:34,129 --> 01:25:37,666
So far, so good. Let's go.
( gear shifts )
1474
01:26:14,403 --> 01:26:18,073
( loud crashing )
1475
01:26:20,142 --> 01:26:21,944
I'm not gonna look.
1476
01:26:21,944 --> 01:26:24,513
I think that's a good idea.
Yup.
1477
01:26:28,517 --> 01:26:30,586
( chattering )
1478
01:26:34,723 --> 01:26:37,159
Easy, easy.
I got it.
1479
01:26:37,159 --> 01:26:39,995
Let's get him up.
1480
01:26:39,995 --> 01:26:42,197
Dick, where's the ticket?
( moans )
1481
01:26:42,197 --> 01:26:45,534
Answer me.
He can't answer you, ma'am.
He's been sedated.
1482
01:26:45,534 --> 01:26:48,571
Why did you do that? Oh!
1483
01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:53,075
Fuck.
1484
01:26:57,346 --> 01:26:59,281
Here.
1485
01:26:59,281 --> 01:27:01,216
Oh.
1486
01:27:06,989 --> 01:27:11,460
Thank you.
That was, uh, very brave
tonight, ma'am.
1487
01:27:11,460 --> 01:27:15,130
Yeah.
He was an animal
with an intent to kill.
1488
01:27:15,130 --> 01:27:19,101
No shit, the fucking creep.
Oops. Excuse my French.
1489
01:27:22,204 --> 01:27:25,641
Um, can I give you a lift...
1490
01:27:25,641 --> 01:27:28,577
to the hospital?
1491
01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:30,946
Why? I'm fine.
1492
01:27:30,946 --> 01:27:33,782
No, I meant, to be
with Mr. Simmons.
1493
01:27:33,782 --> 01:27:35,951
Oh, right. Yeah.
1494
01:27:35,951 --> 01:27:41,757
You know, it's kinda late,
and I have a lot of stuff
to do in the morning, early.
1495
01:27:41,757 --> 01:27:44,560
Stuff.
Mm-hmm.
1496
01:27:44,560 --> 01:27:49,365
Well, we might need
some more information,
and, uh,
1497
01:27:49,365 --> 01:27:51,100
uh, I might call you.
1498
01:27:51,100 --> 01:27:54,837
I'm available.
1499
01:27:54,837 --> 01:27:58,574
Fantastic.
Okay. Can I go now?
1500
01:27:58,574 --> 01:28:01,143
Sure.
Thank you.
1501
01:28:04,179 --> 01:28:06,682
MAN:
Get him out of here.
1502
01:28:09,184 --> 01:28:11,120
Hey, Chambers.
1503
01:28:11,120 --> 01:28:13,355
All right,
hang on just a second.
1504
01:28:13,355 --> 01:28:15,691
( loudly ): How you feeling,
partner?
1505
01:28:15,691 --> 01:28:19,261
I'd feel a lot better
if I could get to the hospital.
Could you make this quick?
1506
01:28:19,261 --> 01:28:22,464
We're all gonna pull you
through this, all right?
1507
01:28:22,464 --> 01:28:24,633
Positive attitude--
that's everything.
1508
01:28:24,633 --> 01:28:27,670
Hey, pal,
he got shot in the leg.
I think he'll be fine.
1509
01:28:27,670 --> 01:28:30,906
Let's hope so.
Be careful with him!
1510
01:28:30,906 --> 01:28:32,975
LARRY:
What are you doing?
1511
01:28:32,975 --> 01:28:37,379
I'm trying to
disconnect this trailer
so we can get out of here.
1512
01:28:38,881 --> 01:28:40,883
( radio buzzes )
1513
01:28:40,883 --> 01:28:43,052
FEMALE DISPATCHER:
Base to car six.
1514
01:28:43,052 --> 01:28:46,455
( groans ):
What?
1515
01:28:46,455 --> 01:28:50,459
We've got a jackknifed
tractor-trailer at Route 22
in Devonshire.
1516
01:28:50,459 --> 01:28:53,696
You're about a mile away.
( sighs )
1517
01:28:53,696 --> 01:28:58,467
Great. Now I got
another 20,000 forms
to fill out.
1518
01:29:01,770 --> 01:29:05,207
( grunting ):
Why do they make these things
out of metal?
1519
01:29:05,207 --> 01:29:07,609
Uh, I think it's twisted.
1520
01:29:07,609 --> 01:29:09,411
No, it's coming.
It's coming!
1521
01:29:09,411 --> 01:29:12,314
Oh, I don't know, Russ.
It's coming!
1522
01:29:12,314 --> 01:29:16,085
Shit! Fuck!
1523
01:29:16,085 --> 01:29:18,253
Why-- Why the hell
is it snowing now?
1524
01:29:18,253 --> 01:29:21,590
Why the fuck
is it snowing now?
Fuck! Fuck!
1525
01:29:21,590 --> 01:29:23,992
( siren wailing )
Uh-oh.
1526
01:29:23,992 --> 01:29:27,362
Don't say a word without
your lawyer, even if they
beat the crap out of you.
1527
01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:29,932
Not tonight. Nobody's beating
the crap out of me.
1528
01:29:29,932 --> 01:29:32,901
You get out of here.
I don't want you
mixed up in this.
1529
01:29:32,901 --> 01:29:35,404
If I go to jail,
I'm goin' alone.
Wait!
1530
01:29:35,404 --> 01:29:38,507
Your money's
in your briefcase!
1531
01:29:41,176 --> 01:29:45,314
No, Russ, don't do it!
Don't take that sled.
It's a piece of shit.
1532
01:29:45,314 --> 01:29:48,717
Take the 4-40!
Excellent power-to-weight
ratio.
1533
01:29:48,717 --> 01:29:51,019
What?
Two-year unlimited
service warranty!
1534
01:29:51,019 --> 01:29:54,990
A fix-it-yourself onboard
tool kit in the backseat!
Okay! Fine!
1535
01:29:54,990 --> 01:29:57,292
This beauty
is built for you!
1536
01:29:57,292 --> 01:29:59,194
Hand warmers, halogen lights,
special all-track suspension!
1537
01:29:59,194 --> 01:30:00,996
Shut your trap. I got it!
1538
01:30:00,996 --> 01:30:02,865
Don't pull the choke.
The lines are dry.
1539
01:30:02,865 --> 01:30:05,768
No, don't flood it.
You said don't pull the choke.
1540
01:30:05,768 --> 01:30:08,937
Finesse it, don't flood it.
It's like getting a chick off.
We went over this!
1541
01:30:08,937 --> 01:30:12,141
( engine revving )
All right, you fellas.
1542
01:30:12,141 --> 01:30:15,611
It looks like you're in need
of some assistance.
1543
01:30:19,281 --> 01:30:21,917
Get back!
Huh?
1544
01:30:21,917 --> 01:30:25,154
Back off!
Huh?
1545
01:30:25,154 --> 01:30:28,423
I said back off,
motherfucker!
1546
01:30:28,423 --> 01:30:31,627
Hey. Hey!
1547
01:30:31,627 --> 01:30:33,662
Ho! Oh, man!
1548
01:30:33,662 --> 01:30:35,998
Give me the case.
1549
01:30:36,932 --> 01:30:39,468
Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
1550
01:30:40,803 --> 01:30:43,605
Whoa!
1551
01:30:43,605 --> 01:30:46,542
Hail Yamaha.
1552
01:30:46,542 --> 01:30:49,311
Ah, Jesus Christ!
1553
01:30:49,311 --> 01:30:51,780
This night never ends.
1554
01:30:51,780 --> 01:30:53,549
( grunts )
1555
01:30:53,549 --> 01:30:57,653
( siren wailing )
1556
01:30:59,421 --> 01:31:02,224
♪ Let me loose
I just got back ♪
1557
01:31:02,224 --> 01:31:05,093
♪ I was pushed
And I got dragged ♪
Okay, kids!
1558
01:31:05,093 --> 01:31:07,830
Now it's time to play
the snowmobile game,
1559
01:31:07,830 --> 01:31:10,332
with your host,
Russ Richards!
1560
01:31:10,332 --> 01:31:13,502
♪ Destination anywhere ♪
1561
01:31:13,502 --> 01:31:16,205
♪ So far gone
I'm almost there ♪
1562
01:31:16,205 --> 01:31:18,774
♪ Can't you see
I can't deny ♪
1563
01:31:18,774 --> 01:31:21,310
♪ I'm outta here
Like I'm on fire ♪
1564
01:31:21,310 --> 01:31:24,913
Yeah! Whoa!
♪ Livin' like a caged-up
Animal, criminal ♪
1565
01:31:24,913 --> 01:31:26,715
♪ Television newsman
So subliminal ♪
Whoa!
1566
01:31:26,715 --> 01:31:30,452
♪ Bringing down the walls
Of wonderland ♪
1567
01:31:30,452 --> 01:31:32,955
Ohh!
1568
01:31:32,955 --> 01:31:36,725
♪ Just another highbrow cowboy
Tellin' me everything
And everyone ♪
1569
01:31:36,725 --> 01:31:38,827
♪ And all the things
I oughta be ♪
1570
01:31:38,827 --> 01:31:43,332
♪ Here I am
Your demolition man ♪♪
Oh, jeez! Aaah!
1571
01:31:45,534 --> 01:31:47,736
WOMAN:
Russ? Russ.
1572
01:31:47,736 --> 01:31:49,004
Russ.
No.
1573
01:31:49,004 --> 01:31:50,939
Russ.
No.
1574
01:31:50,939 --> 01:31:52,975
Russ!
Oh, my God.
1575
01:31:52,975 --> 01:31:56,511
How you feelin'?
1576
01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:58,513
Oh, you got pretty
banged up there.
That's beautiful.
1577
01:31:58,513 --> 01:32:00,182
We figured you'd be up
in a minute.
1578
01:32:00,182 --> 01:32:02,484
You were singing
"My Way" In your sleep.
1579
01:32:02,484 --> 01:32:06,488
You are so funny.
You're as funny in a coma
as you are on TV.
1580
01:32:06,488 --> 01:32:09,758
I can't believe I'm alive.
One more.
1581
01:32:09,758 --> 01:32:12,694
You get it?
Okay, you have a visitor
outside.
1582
01:32:12,694 --> 01:32:15,497
I'm gonna get your dinner,
and I'll be back in a minute,
okay?
1583
01:32:15,497 --> 01:32:18,400
Okay. Bye.
Yeah?
1584
01:32:18,400 --> 01:32:22,371
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
1585
01:32:22,371 --> 01:32:26,275
Please don't upset him.
I'm not gonna do anything
to upset him.
1586
01:32:26,275 --> 01:32:28,877
You're in big trouble,
mister.
1587
01:32:28,877 --> 01:32:31,446
No. Oh, god.
Yup.
1588
01:32:31,446 --> 01:32:33,715
You're gonna
have to pay for it.
I told them, officer.
1589
01:32:33,715 --> 01:32:38,520
I said it was a stupid idea
right from the start,
but nobody listened to me.
1590
01:32:38,520 --> 01:32:41,857
That's good. Remorse.
Nice candy.
1591
01:32:41,857 --> 01:32:46,295
'Cause, for starters,
we're looking at
three big ones.
1592
01:32:46,295 --> 01:32:49,197
Oh, god! Three big--
Three years?
1593
01:32:49,197 --> 01:32:52,000
Three hundred dollars.
1594
01:32:52,000 --> 01:32:54,169
What?
1595
01:32:54,169 --> 01:32:55,971
For the windshield.
1596
01:32:55,971 --> 01:33:01,543
Plus, there's this
little baby right here.
1597
01:33:01,543 --> 01:33:06,348
You'll have to put that
together with Scotch Tape,
but it still counts.
1598
01:33:06,348 --> 01:33:08,984
This-- This is a ticket.
Yeah.
1599
01:33:08,984 --> 01:33:13,755
For operating a class-two
vehicle without a license.
Weight class two.
1600
01:33:13,755 --> 01:33:17,259
Officer, can't this wait?
Mr. Richards is suffering
from a mild concussion.
1601
01:33:17,259 --> 01:33:20,362
We're talking.
It's not even filled out.
There's nothin' on it.
1602
01:33:20,362 --> 01:33:23,298
My pen ran out of ink.
1603
01:33:23,298 --> 01:33:25,300
Officer,
I really must insist.
1604
01:33:25,300 --> 01:33:29,371
From doing paperwork
all night, between you
and saving your boss' ass.
1605
01:33:29,371 --> 01:33:32,174
My boss?
Dick Simmons.
1606
01:33:32,174 --> 01:33:35,544
He's right down the hall here.
Wh-why is he here?
1607
01:33:35,544 --> 01:33:37,846
Some thug broke
into his house.
1608
01:33:37,846 --> 01:33:40,582
And broke both his legs
with a baseball bat.
Officer, please.
1609
01:33:40,582 --> 01:33:43,685
Boom.
Was it--
Was it Dale the thug?
1610
01:33:43,685 --> 01:33:46,555
Well, I don't know.
Some jerk with a plaid shirt.
1611
01:33:46,555 --> 01:33:49,391
But don't worry.
( imitating gunfire )
1612
01:33:49,391 --> 01:33:51,426
I killed him.
1613
01:33:51,426 --> 01:33:54,496
Oh, jeez, that's just--
1614
01:33:54,496 --> 01:33:57,032
Come on. Thank you.
( crowd clamoring )
1615
01:33:57,032 --> 01:33:58,700
Back, back, back, back!
1616
01:33:58,700 --> 01:34:02,204
Scoot! Scoot!
Yes!
1617
01:34:02,204 --> 01:34:05,607
( stifled chuckling ):
I can't stand it. Yes!
1618
01:34:29,197 --> 01:34:31,066
( loud clattering )
1619
01:34:31,066 --> 01:34:33,068
What?
1620
01:34:33,068 --> 01:34:36,438
( blubbering )
1621
01:34:36,438 --> 01:34:38,340
Dick, I'm back.
1622
01:34:38,340 --> 01:34:41,209
This is the lightning round.
I'm calling the shots now.
1623
01:34:41,209 --> 01:34:44,446
Quiet, I'm trying to ski.
Look, I got your money.
1624
01:34:44,446 --> 01:34:47,382
I'm gonna give it back,
but I need the ticket.
Where's the ticket?
1625
01:34:47,382 --> 01:34:49,184
It's my show--
1626
01:34:49,184 --> 01:34:53,055
Okay, this is the plan.
I'm docking you
for being an asshole.
1627
01:34:53,055 --> 01:34:56,058
And I'm docking Gig
for having people killed.
1628
01:34:56,058 --> 01:34:59,227
And I'm docking Crystal
for being a twisted,
psycho bitch!
1629
01:34:59,227 --> 01:35:02,230
Starting today, I decide
where the money goes.
1630
01:35:02,230 --> 01:35:06,468
If anyone doesn't like it,
we're all going to jail.
( blubbering )
1631
01:35:06,468 --> 01:35:08,503
( gasps )
Give me that ticket.
1632
01:35:08,503 --> 01:35:11,706
Where is it?
Where is the ticket?
1633
01:35:11,706 --> 01:35:14,743
I-- I gave it
to Larry King.
1634
01:35:17,579 --> 01:35:20,715
Uh, no--
1635
01:35:20,715 --> 01:35:22,751
Don't you care
to share your toys?
1636
01:35:39,801 --> 01:35:41,603
DAN:
The search is over.
1637
01:35:41,603 --> 01:35:45,774
The winner of last month's
$6.4 million lottery jackpot...
1638
01:35:45,774 --> 01:35:47,943
has finally stepped forward.
1639
01:35:47,943 --> 01:35:52,481
She's a waitress
at a local Denny's
right here in Harrisburg.
1640
01:35:52,481 --> 01:35:56,751
Pennsylvania's
newest multimillionaire
is Wendy Fawcett.
1641
01:35:56,751 --> 01:36:00,655
Thank you so much!
I don't know what to say.
1642
01:36:00,655 --> 01:36:03,458
I've never won anything
before in my life.
1643
01:36:03,458 --> 01:36:05,760
WOMAN:
Wendy, what are you
gonna do with the money?
1644
01:36:05,760 --> 01:36:10,132
I'm going to
put some of it in savings
and some of it in checking.
1645
01:36:10,132 --> 01:36:13,935
And the rest I'll be sharing
with a good friend.
1646
01:36:13,935 --> 01:36:19,508
And who's that?
I'm not telling you!
( cackling )
1647
01:36:19,508 --> 01:36:22,944
And we're giving a lot of it
away to the Big Brothers,
1648
01:36:22,944 --> 01:36:26,181
the Sunshiny Day Club,
Asthma--
1649
01:36:26,181 --> 01:36:29,184
MAN: Do you have asthma?
No.
1650
01:36:29,184 --> 01:36:32,487
But many people out there do.
1651
01:36:32,487 --> 01:36:35,190
Wendy, how did you pick
the numbers you played?
1652
01:36:35,190 --> 01:36:36,424
How did I what?
1653
01:36:36,424 --> 01:36:39,027
How did you choose
the winning numbers?
1654
01:36:39,027 --> 01:36:41,763
Oh, I get
what you're saying.
1655
01:36:41,763 --> 01:36:46,334
I-- Okay, I get it,
I get it! Um, wow.
1656
01:36:46,334 --> 01:36:47,936
Uh, let's see, uh,
1657
01:36:47,936 --> 01:36:52,140
seventy--
seventy is because...
1658
01:36:52,140 --> 01:36:55,510
a cheeseburger deluxe
with bacon...
1659
01:36:55,510 --> 01:36:58,780
is 70 cents extra.
1660
01:36:58,780 --> 01:37:01,216
And, um, 16--
1661
01:37:01,216 --> 01:37:05,287
when I was 16,
I went to a party.
1662
01:37:05,287 --> 01:37:08,290
And, uh, nine--
1663
01:37:08,290 --> 01:37:11,893
well, nine, we all know,
is just lucky.
1664
01:37:15,830 --> 01:37:18,033
Oh, man. And, um,
1665
01:37:18,033 --> 01:37:21,636
seven is--
I have seven Barbies,
1666
01:37:21,636 --> 01:37:24,806
not including the ones that
got their face chewed off...
1667
01:37:24,806 --> 01:37:30,679
by the next door neighbor's dog,
who's just such a great dog.
1668
01:37:30,679 --> 01:37:33,915
RUSS ( narrating ):
So there you have it-- a story
to tell your grandchildren.
1669
01:37:33,915 --> 01:37:36,117
Well, maybe not.
1670
01:37:36,117 --> 01:37:38,620
Dick Simmons was fired
from WTPA...
1671
01:37:38,620 --> 01:37:42,557
after calling the head
of the network "the luckiest
asshole on the planet."
1672
01:37:42,557 --> 01:37:46,161
He now teaches communications
at Pocono Community College.
1673
01:37:46,161 --> 01:37:50,098
Ethics.
1674
01:37:50,098 --> 01:37:54,302
Crystal married and divorced
a sickly 80-year-old
millionaire...
1675
01:37:54,302 --> 01:37:56,304
and sued him
for half his money.
1676
01:37:56,304 --> 01:37:58,807
She testified
he was a svengali,
1677
01:37:58,807 --> 01:38:03,078
a word she mispronounced
throughout the trial.
1678
01:38:03,078 --> 01:38:06,948
He was like--
like this "Svenjelly."
1679
01:38:06,948 --> 01:38:08,750
RUSS:
She lost the case.
1680
01:38:08,750 --> 01:38:10,852
♪ You're making
My dreams come true ♪
Ten.
1681
01:38:10,852 --> 01:38:13,822
She now works at Gig's
five nights a week.
Seventy-eight!
1682
01:38:13,822 --> 01:38:17,025
No cover charge,
free buffalo wings with coupon.
1683
01:38:17,025 --> 01:38:22,831
Thirty-nine!
Gig bought an obscure stock
called Microsoft in 1990.
1684
01:38:22,831 --> 01:38:27,035
He now divides his time
between Harrisburg
and his estate in Monaco.
1685
01:38:27,035 --> 01:38:29,537
♪ Listen to this ♪
1686
01:38:29,537 --> 01:38:32,674
♪ I've done
All my daydreamin' ♪
1687
01:38:32,674 --> 01:38:34,809
♪ Oh, that sleep walk
Should be over by now ♪
1688
01:38:34,809 --> 01:38:38,179
As for me, I moved
to St. Augustine, Florida,
1689
01:38:38,179 --> 01:38:40,215
where it hasn't snowed
in 50 years.
1690
01:38:40,215 --> 01:38:42,584
( engine starts )
And you know what?
1691
01:38:42,584 --> 01:38:45,320
I auditioned,
and I was back on TV.
1692
01:38:45,320 --> 01:38:48,523
MALE ANNOUNCER:
And now, it's time to play
North Florida Cable's...
1693
01:38:48,523 --> 01:38:51,459
second-most popular game show,
Lucky Numbers,
1694
01:38:51,459 --> 01:38:54,162
with your host,
Russ Richards.
1695
01:38:54,162 --> 01:38:55,997
Hey! How are ya?
( audience cheering )
1696
01:38:55,997 --> 01:38:59,000
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
1697
01:38:59,000 --> 01:39:02,470
Hey. What
a great-looking audience.
1698
01:39:02,470 --> 01:39:04,606
My goodness,
I'd love to take you home
with me tonight.
1699
01:39:04,606 --> 01:39:07,709
How 'bout it?
Tonight, after the show?
1700
01:39:07,709 --> 01:39:10,245
Dinner for 250?
Okay.
1701
01:39:10,245 --> 01:39:13,481
I'll make the margaritas.
All right now.
1702
01:39:13,481 --> 01:39:16,484
( narrating ):
You know, sometimes I walk
past an appliance store...
1703
01:39:16,484 --> 01:39:20,922
and there are 45 TV sets
in the window,
and I'm on every one of 'em.
1704
01:39:20,922 --> 01:39:24,225
At times like that,
I say to myself, "Why me?"
1705
01:39:24,225 --> 01:39:26,828
I mean, "Why me?"
1706
01:39:26,828 --> 01:39:29,698
If I had to answer
the question, I'd have
to say, "Just lucky."
1707
01:39:29,698 --> 01:39:35,337
♪ You're making my dreams
Come true, doo-ooh, doo-doo
Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪♪
1708
01:39:38,340 --> 01:39:40,508
( rock music playing )
1709
01:39:56,925 --> 01:39:59,361
♪ Nights were warm ♪
1710
01:39:59,361 --> 01:40:01,596
♪ Dreams were easy ♪
1711
01:40:01,596 --> 01:40:04,232
♪ No one standin' ♪
1712
01:40:04,232 --> 01:40:06,501
♪ Overhead ♪
1713
01:40:06,501 --> 01:40:09,237
♪ Conversation ♪
1714
01:40:09,237 --> 01:40:11,172
♪ Didn't mean much ♪
1715
01:40:11,172 --> 01:40:16,378
♪ We were hungry
But we could not be fed ♪
1716
01:40:16,378 --> 01:40:18,613
♪ Radio blastin' ♪
1717
01:40:18,613 --> 01:40:21,583
♪ Silly little love songs ♪
1718
01:40:21,583 --> 01:40:26,087
♪ We only listened
For the beat ♪
1719
01:40:26,087 --> 01:40:28,523
♪ Takin' our chances ♪
1720
01:40:28,523 --> 01:40:31,526
♪ Out there
On the mean streets ♪
1721
01:40:31,526 --> 01:40:34,662
♪ Hiding in the shadows
From the heat ♪
1722
01:40:38,099 --> 01:40:40,168
♪ From the heat ♪
1723
01:40:42,937 --> 01:40:45,273
♪ We weren't lovers ♪
1724
01:40:45,273 --> 01:40:47,609
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
1725
01:40:47,609 --> 01:40:52,480
♪ As we fought and we tumbled
Through the night ♪
1726
01:40:52,480 --> 01:40:54,916
♪ We were players ♪
1727
01:40:54,916 --> 01:40:57,118
♪ Not arrangers ♪
1728
01:40:57,118 --> 01:41:01,856
♪ And we jammed
Till the dawn's early light ♪
1729
01:41:01,856 --> 01:41:04,592
♪ Swimming in the big lake ♪
1730
01:41:04,592 --> 01:41:07,595
♪ Taking it easy ♪
1731
01:41:07,595 --> 01:41:11,733
♪ Taking any comfort
We could find ♪
1732
01:41:11,733 --> 01:41:14,269
♪ Didn't need the real truth ♪
1733
01:41:14,269 --> 01:41:17,071
♪ Didn't need the meaning ♪
1734
01:41:17,071 --> 01:41:21,609
♪ Straight ahead
Ignoring every sign ♪
1735
01:41:23,945 --> 01:41:25,814
♪ Every sign ♪
1736
01:41:30,552 --> 01:41:32,787
♪ And, oh, I remember ♪
1737
01:41:35,323 --> 01:41:37,759
♪ I know you do too ♪
1738
01:41:40,328 --> 01:41:42,764
♪ Oh, that one evening ♪
1739
01:41:45,066 --> 01:41:50,371
♪ I know you do too ♪
1740
01:41:56,244 --> 01:41:58,012
♪ The moon flyin' high ♪
1741
01:41:58,012 --> 01:42:01,616
CHORUS:
♪ The moon flyin' high ♪
1742
01:42:01,616 --> 01:42:05,653
♪ And you took my hand ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
1743
01:42:05,653 --> 01:42:09,290
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
1744
01:42:09,290 --> 01:42:13,528
♪ You took my hand ♪
1745
01:42:13,528 --> 01:42:16,931
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
1746
01:42:16,931 --> 01:42:20,001
♪ And it went all right ♪
1747
01:42:21,202 --> 01:42:25,139
♪ It went all right ♪
1748
01:42:25,139 --> 01:42:28,810
♪ It went all right ♪
1749
01:42:28,810 --> 01:42:32,881
♪ It went all right ♪
1750
01:42:38,186 --> 01:42:40,054
♪ Oh ♪
1751
01:42:42,790 --> 01:42:45,527
♪ So we walked out ♪
1752
01:42:45,527 --> 01:42:47,829
♪ Hardly speaking ♪
1753
01:42:47,829 --> 01:42:50,331
♪ Disappearing ♪
1754
01:42:50,331 --> 01:42:52,867
♪ In the night ♪
1755
01:42:52,867 --> 01:42:54,736
♪ Saw each other ♪
1756
01:42:54,736 --> 01:42:57,338
♪ A few times after ♪
1757
01:42:57,338 --> 01:43:01,042
♪ But we never
Really got it right ♪
1758
01:43:02,410 --> 01:43:04,746
♪ We weren't lovers ♪
1759
01:43:04,746 --> 01:43:07,382
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
1760
01:43:07,382 --> 01:43:10,985
♪ As we rolled and we tumbled
Through the night ♪
1761
01:43:11,986 --> 01:43:14,589
♪ We were players ♪
1762
01:43:14,589 --> 01:43:17,058
♪ Not arrangers ♪
1763
01:43:17,058 --> 01:43:20,962
♪ And we jammed
Till the dawn's early light ♪
1764
01:43:22,564 --> 01:43:25,833
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ Early light ♪
1765
01:43:27,402 --> 01:43:31,973
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1766
01:43:33,908 --> 01:43:36,644
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1767
01:43:38,713 --> 01:43:41,149
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1768
01:43:41,149 --> 01:43:43,384
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
1769
01:43:43,384 --> 01:43:47,822
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1770
01:43:47,822 --> 01:43:49,891
♪ Yeah ♪♪
1771
01:43:53,161 --> 01:44:05,406
♪♪♪
1772
01:44:05,406 --> 01:44:08,076
♪ I can't wait
To go to heaven ♪
1773
01:44:08,076 --> 01:44:11,613
♪ Before I get my big reward ♪
1774
01:44:11,613 --> 01:44:13,781
♪ If I'm good I could ♪
1775
01:44:13,781 --> 01:44:20,154
♪ That's what they tell me
I've been workin' for ♪
1776
01:44:20,154 --> 01:44:22,924
♪ When I prove
That I can do it ♪
1777
01:44:22,924 --> 01:44:26,127
♪ That's when I'll get
My big reward ♪
1778
01:44:26,127 --> 01:44:28,997
♪ Keep that big wheel turnin' ♪
1779
01:44:28,997 --> 01:44:33,201
♪ And my number
Will come up for sure ♪
1780
01:44:33,201 --> 01:44:36,070
♪ I'm gonna get
My big reward ♪
1781
01:44:36,070 --> 01:44:38,906
♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪
1782
01:44:38,906 --> 01:44:42,243
♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪
1783
01:44:42,243 --> 01:44:45,113
♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪
1784
01:44:45,113 --> 01:44:47,982
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1785
01:44:47,982 --> 01:44:51,019
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1786
01:44:51,019 --> 01:44:54,589
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1787
01:44:54,589 --> 01:44:56,658
♪ Right now ♪
1788
01:44:58,259 --> 01:45:00,995
♪ Never mind
The odds against us ♪
1789
01:45:00,995 --> 01:45:04,232
♪ I won't give up
My big reward ♪
1790
01:45:04,232 --> 01:45:07,068
♪ We have to take our chances ♪
1791
01:45:07,068 --> 01:45:11,706
♪ We got a plan
And we can make a score ♪
1792
01:45:11,706 --> 01:45:14,642
♪ I'm gonna get my big reward ♪
1793
01:45:14,642 --> 01:45:17,345
♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪
1794
01:45:17,345 --> 01:45:20,815
♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪
1795
01:45:20,815 --> 01:45:23,217
♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪
1796
01:45:23,217 --> 01:45:26,220
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1797
01:45:26,220 --> 01:45:30,058
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1798
01:45:30,058 --> 01:45:32,293
♪ Right now ♪♪
138221
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