Original subtitles

- Good evening, good afternoon, good morning!

Now you see those greetings work two fold.

Firstly, because this is an international stream,

so we have audience members from all around the world,

different countries, different time zones.

Hello,

And secondly, because I have absolutely no idea

what time of day it is anymore.

But welcome to the theater, live in your living room.

How quaint.

Now here at the the Chateau du Theatre Digital.

We have slightly different rules to most theaters.

For example, we can't ask you

to turn off your electronic devices,

'cause you wouldn't be able to watch the darned thing.

So instead we ask that you keep them on,

you turn them up loud

and you tweet along with the show

using the hashtag #firstdatemusical.

I know, shameless.

Speaking of shameless,

if there's any single guys out there

who might feel lonely after watching this romantic musical,

please know that my DMs are open and I am desperate.

Now, there will be one brief intermission

or as the Brits call it, an interval or wine time.

So, enjoy this American musical brought to you entirely

by British actors in the middle of a global pandemic.

And if you don't enjoy it, well, screw you.

We worked so hard.

Now, pour yourself a glass of wine,

fill your face with snacks, and enjoy the show.

♪ How does it start ♪

♪ How does it last ♪

♪ It's a miracle two people get together ♪

♪ How does your heart choose who to cast ♪

♪ In a partner for the night or for forever ♪

♪ Every date you go on is feeling like a chore ♪

♪ Can you trust your judgment when it's been so poor ♪

♪ You've gotten burned ♪

♪ Wish you could run ♪

♪ But if you do ♪

♪ Then you'll never ever find the one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ Are you ever gonna find the one ♪

♪ How will it go ♪

♪ Where will it lead ♪

♪ Will tonight become a lifetime full of magic ♪

♪ Go with the flow ♪

♪ You might succeed ♪

♪ Meeting someone you don't think is fuckin' tragic ♪

♪ Will the minutes feel like hours, even years ♪

♪ Or will you connect and share your deepest fears ♪

♪ It's so damn hard and so not fun ♪

♪ Still you go on ♪

♪ In that endless search to find the one, the one ♪

♪ Are you ever gonna find the one ♪

♪ How do you stay optimistic ♪

♪ When there are so many ways to fail ♪

♪ Don't wanna be another statistic ♪

♪ Who didn't get the fairy tale ♪

♪ Where the hell's the fairy tale ♪

♪ Dating's a bitch it's such a bitch ♪

♪ Dating's unfair it's so unfair ♪

♪ It's like a battle where you find out what you're made of ♪

♪ Wish you could ditch ♪

♪ Let's ditch ♪

♪ This cruel affair ♪

♪ This affair ♪

♪ The stakes are high and there's so much to be afraid of ♪

♪ When you're far from perfect stuck in your own way ♪

♪ All your baggage keeps your chance of love at bay ♪

♪ And so until ♪

♪ The game is done ♪

♪ You hold out hope that before you lose your mind ♪

♪ You'll meet your match and won't end up left behind ♪

♪ Maybe tonight is the night you're gonna find the one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ Could tonight be when you find the one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ Could tonight be when you find the one ♪

- Hi. - Hey.

- Are you waiting for a table?

- You know what?

I'm gonna wait and see how the drinks portion

of the evening goes first

and then we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't wanna be too presumptuous.

You know what I mean?

- Well, can I get you something while you wait?

Beer, vodka, Xanax?

- I'll just have a beer please.

Yeah, does that sound right?

Yes, I will have a beer, thank you.

- Do you care what kind?

- Just something on tap.

In a big glass, a big, big manly glass.

Oh, so this is a first date, huh?

- Yeah, is it that obvious?

- Well, you got pretty dressed up for it, didn't you?

- Yeah, I came from work.

I thought the suit would make me seem impressive

and or distinguished.

Am I wrong?

- Honestly, I think it's making you seem desperate

and or douche-y.

But maybe I'm wrong.

- She's gonna be here any second,

what am I supposed to do now?

- That's okay, relax.

Just to get rid of the tie.

- Okay, yeah, yeah, tie's going away.

Let's lose the tie.

A tie going, bye-bye.

I can , thank you.

And loose the glasses.

Yeah, okay,.

- Wow, we're gonna keep the glasses.

- Yup.

- And pop the collar a little.

- Oh, okay popping, pop again.

- And okay.

- Okay what?

- Honey, that's all I got.

Can I help you?

- I don't know, maybe it depends.

I'm supposed to be meeting some random guy here for a drink.

- Oh, you must be the other half of the first date.

He's already here.

- He is?

How is he?

'Cause my sister said he might in fact

be the man of my dreams.

- She did?

Are you and your sister close?

- Oh shit, I knew it, okay, be honest.

What are we dealing with here?

Asks a million questions, guys, super sweaty guy,

overconfident guy, what?

- No, no, no.

I think he's...

Well, I'm just gonna to let you decide that for yourself.

He's right over there.

- Oh, allergy guy, good times.

Bring me a shot of something strong, will you?

And a chaser of something even stronger.

Hi, Casey, you must be-

- Hi, Aaron, yes, that's me.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm-

- I know. - Not entirely sure

what the protocol is here.

- I know. - We can't handshake,

we can't hug, so what are we gonna do?

- Why don't we just start with the elbow

and then see where we go from there,.

- Coming in with the elbow, boom.

- What is that?

What are you doing?

- Not entirely sure.

Occasionally I'm an idiot.

Wanna have a seat?

- Yes. - Yes, safer,.

Would you like a drink?

- Oh, I already ordered two on the way in.

Thank you, what are you drinking?

- Nothing special, just a brewski.

- Did you just say brewski?

Yes I did,.

But if it makes you feel any better,

I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth.

- Are you okay Aaron, 'cause you seem a little nervous?

- Yeah, no, do I?

Sorry, it's just that I don't go on a lot on blind dates.

Actually, this is most definitely my real first.

- For Real?

- For realsies, so if I seem a little bit nervous

it's only 'cause you know, I am.

- Well, don't be because the more nervous you get

the more I wanna make a mad dash for that door.

- Here we go!

- Jesus Christ!

- One beer for the gentleman.

- Thank you.

- And one shot for the lady.

- Thank you.

- And one cocktails for the lady.

Thank you.

- So what was that all that about?

- It's called taking the edge off.

You should try it, BDV, might loosen you up.

- BDV?

- Blind Date Virgin.

That's my new nickname for you, you mind it?

- No, well, I prefer something like A-train

or Wolverine but-

- Good, now BDV, can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, sure, ask me anything I'm an open book.

- If you've never been on one of these before

why go on one now?

- Well, Kevin, your sister Lauren's husband-

- Aka my brother-in-law?

- Right, him.

Well, he said that you were really cute

and that I would be an absolute moron to pass this up.

So I decided to take a risk and listen to him.

How about you?

- Lauren said you look like Brad Pitt.

So do you agree with Kevin?

- About what?

- Am I really cute?

- You can't just ask me that.

- Why not?

You said you're an open book.

So am I?

♪ She's a little artsy ♪

♪ She's hip and cool ♪

♪ She's just like all those girls ♪

♪ That ignored me all through school ♪

♪ Shes kinda indie ♪

♪ And pretty hot ♪

♪ She's a lot like all the things that I am not ♪

♪ There's some Asian symbol ♪

♪ Tattooed on her wrist ♪

♪ She's got the kind of look that says ♪

♪ Hello world I'm pissed ♪

♪ She's sort of hostile ♪

♪ Her guns are drawn ♪

♪ Is it weird or just screwed up that I'm turned on ♪

♪ But that's just a first impression ♪

♪ I could be totally wrong ♪

♪ It's only a first impression ♪

♪ 'Cause maybe she's ♪

♪ A stuffy and conservative way uptight girl ♪

♪ Who's still a virgin ♪

♪ Never goes past second base ♪

♪ Suppressing every single urge ♪

♪ Until she marches down the aisle ♪

♪ And finally ties the knot ♪

♪ She could want a giant family ♪

♪ And be an Opera devotee ♪

♪ Hell, even have a PhD ♪

♪ Yes, that's who she could be ♪

I'm waiting.

- Yes you are very pleasant looking.

- Ooh, pleasant looking.

- All right, okay, fine, no, attractive, desirable,

stunningly beautiful.

Wait, how about d, all of the above.

So how about me?

What adjectives would you use to describe me?

♪ He's a bit annoying ♪

♪ And overdressed ♪

♪ He's got the kind of vibe ♪

♪ That says look at me I'm stressed ♪

- Really there's just so many adjectives to choose from

I wouldn't even know where to start.

♪ Probably likes to cuddle ♪

♪ Long walks in the park ♪

♪ And if he likes sex ♪

♪ Bet it's only in the dark ♪

♪ But that's just a first impression ♪

♪ I could be totally wrong ♪

♪ It's only a first impression ♪

♪ And maybe he's a nasty ♪

♪ Uninhibited ferocious tiger in the sack ♪

♪ Who rides a Harley hits the gym ♪

♪ And makes his money dealing crack ♪

♪ To wealthy kids in private schools ♪

♪ Who treat him like a god ♪

♪ He could kick some ass just like Bruce Lee ♪

♪ Engage in online piracy ♪

♪ And not take any shit from me ♪

♪ Yes, that's who he could ♪

♪ That's who she could ♪

♪ That's who she could be ♪

♪ But that's just a first impression ♪

♪ I could be totally wrong ♪

♪ It's only a first impression ♪

♪ And though the impression is strong ♪

♪ It never can hurt to question ♪

♪ Though I doubt this will lead to romance ♪

♪ Sometimes the ones who seem great ♪

♪ Are a nightmare to date ♪

♪ Either way I've been burned ♪

♪ But the one thing I've learned ♪

♪ Is often times first impressions ♪

♪ Are worth a second glance ♪

♪ It's worth a second glance ♪

♪ A second glance ♪

♪ It's worth a second glance ♪

♪ A second glance ♪

♪ It's worth a second glance ♪

♪ It's worth a second glance ♪

- So now what do we do?

- What do you mean?

- Well, I was just thinking

that seeing as I've never been on one of these before

and you're kinda the resident expert.

I was just hoping that maybe you could instruct me

on what we're supposed to do next here.

- Who told you I was the expert?

- Kevin said something just before he was leaving the office

but if he is wrong, then he could be wrong.

He's wrong. - No, no he's not wrong-

- I'm sorry.

- I mean, he's incredibly wrong to tell you

that information right before you met me

but technically speaking, he's not wrong.

Fine, hi, my name is Casey and I'm a serial dater.

- Then I have the perfect nickname for you.

- Oh really, what's that? - Yeah, BDS.

- BDS? - Yes, Blind Date Slut.

No, no, I'm so sorry.

I was too soon, that is not I want to die.

I'm really not good at this whole casual banter thing.

Okay, so Casey, do you enjoy blind dates?

- Oh God, no.

I hate them with an undying passion.

I put them right up there with pap smears

and M.Night Shyamalan movies.

- Well then why do you go on so many?

- 'Cause I think it's important to put yourself out there

and keep your options open.

And I keep hoping that each time

my next leap will be the leap home.

- You know Quantum Leap?

Holy shit, I love Quantum Leap.

Oh boy,

we're definitely coming back to that one.

So have you been on any really bad ones?

- First dates? - Yeah.

- Oh no, no, sweetie, we're not doing that.

Oh, you really do need my help.

No, no, no, that's like dating rule number one.

It's way too early in the evening

for me to be discussing other men with you.

- Right, see, I did not know that.

Okay, so what should we be talking about?

- Well, seeing as we barely know each other

I would say this would be the small talk,

getting to know you portion of the night.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay I can do that.

I got you, I got you, you know just nothing too serious.

Just keeping it light and breezy.

Just like, "Okay, I can do this."

So where are you from?

Michigan.

- Michigan, oh, sorry, you wanna get that?

- No, no, no, it's fine.

- Are you sure?

I don't mind if you- - No, it's no problem.

What were you saying?

- Michigan. - Michigan?

- Yes. - Hey, it's Casey.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

♪ This is your bailout sweetie, your bailout ♪

♪ Honey I'm calling to bail you out ♪

♪ You could tell him your dad's in the hospital ♪

♪ Your building's on fire ♪

♪ That's all you need to say ♪

♪ And you're free and on your way ♪

♪ It's your bestie calling ♪

♪ It's Reggie to the rescue here ♪

♪ To save you from another catastrophic blind date ♪

♪ I've done it time and again ♪

♪ Saved you from horrendous men ♪

♪ All those losers who should never be allowed to procreate ♪

♪ Like that dentist with the foul breath ♪

♪ That made you wanna yak ♪

♪ Or that hippie with the hair growing only on his back ♪

♪ Or that guy obsessed with Disney ♪

♪ Second thought, I'll cut him slack ♪

♪ Though his love of princesses was rather suspect ♪

♪ But I'm digressing I'm obsessing ♪

♪ You did not pick up your cell ♪

♪ Which means you either didn't hear it ring ♪

♪ Or things are going well ♪

♪ So tweet or text or Snapchat tell me if you like this guy ♪

♪ Okay that's it I love you lots need you forever bye ♪

♪ This is your bailout sweetie your bailout ♪

♪ Honey I'm calling to bail you out ♪

♪ You could tell him your grandma broke her hip ♪

♪ Or your dog ate some chocolate ♪

♪ That's all you need to say ♪

♪ And you're free and on your way ♪

♪ Later, bitch ♪

- So where did you grow up in Michigan?

- Just in this little town

where everybody knows everybody's business.

Hence why I moved New York as fast as humanly possible.

West Bloomfield.

- Oh, you grew up in West Bloomfield?

Holy shit!

Hey, do you know anybody that went to Camp Riverlake?

- Yes, why, did you go there?

Yes, only for like six summers.

- My neighbor, Jessica Sheinwald went there.

- Jessica Sheinwald, I think I remember her.

- Oh, she only went for one year.

She fell in love with this total prick called Gabe

and they had this like insanely intense six week

like summer romance

and then on the last day of camp

she found out that he'd been seeing four other girls

and the wilderness instructor all summer.

Can you believe that shit?

- No, was it a Gabe Rubenstone?

- Yeah, how did you know?

- He's been my best friend since I was four.

- Oh, things were just starting to look up for us too.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He was a prick.

He still is, he still is.

He's just a colossal prick, okay?

So we're just gonna forget about him.

Move along now.

So where did you go to school?

- Village Day. - Right, oh, okay.

Well, I think a bunch of Riverlake people went there.

Do you know Josh Baumgarten?

- He sat next to me in our class.

- All right, Rachel Hirsch?

- I kicked her ass all over the lacrosse field.

- Okay, how about Nathan Davidson?

- Oh my God, Nathan, wanna see a magic trick Davidson?

- Yes. - You knew that freak?

- Yes, of no worse, he was my roommate for three summers.

Did you have any idea how many times

he asked me to pick a card?

- Where's did you go to college?

- Penn, you? - B.U

- B.U, so you wanna keep playing Jewish geography

'cause I can give you like 10 more names.

- Oh, we can I'm really good at it.

Even if I'm not a Jew.

♪ Oy vey ♪

♪ Oy vey ♪

- Sorry, what did you say?

- I am not a Jew.

♪ Oy vey ♪

♪ Oy vey ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ Dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

Aaron, bubalah!

- Grandma Ida, is that you?

That's right.

- What are you doing here?

You're dead.

♪ I was busy praying at my temple in the sky ♪

♪ When I got an urgent message ♪

♪ That came straight from Adonai ♪

♪ He said Ida it's your grandson ♪

♪ He is acting out of line ♪

♪ 'Cause he's dating Casey Clark ♪

♪ Instead of dating Sarah Stein ♪

♪ I begged Yahweh send me to him ♪

♪ I have wisdom to impart ♪

♪ Plus my grandson Aaron loves me ♪

♪ And he'd never break my heart ♪

♪ I can make the Pischer understand ♪

♪ The error of his ways ♪

♪ Even I once banged a Buddhist ♪

♪ It was just a passing phase ♪

♪ Eh the Buddhist was a phase ♪

♪ So listen to me, Boy chik ♪

♪ You're a mensch who's been endowed ♪

♪ With brains and looks and talent ♪

♪ I could plots, I'm just so proud ♪

♪ But though I cut you slack ♪

♪ When you did not return my calls ♪

♪ If you wed this little Tsatskelah ♪

♪ I'll break your matzah balls ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you oy oy oy ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you goy goy goy ♪

♪ She considers Jesus boss ♪

♪ And thinks you nailed him to the cross ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ Not for you ♪

♪ Not for you ♪

♪ Not for you ♪

♪ Hey she's not for you ♪

Aaron?

- Who are you?

- I'm Casey's father.

Her very disapproving, very Christian father.

- I'm sorry, do you mean her father or her Father?

- Both.

♪ And now you are ruining my daughter's life ♪

♪ Never thought my baby be a Hebrew's wife ♪

♪ Why would people called the chosen ones ♪

♪ Choose to wear strange hats and circumcise their sons ♪

♪ Circumcise their sons ♪

♪ You don't know the Holy Trinity ♪

♪ Or the joy felt when you trim a Christmas tree ♪

♪ And since you cannot sing the first Noel ♪

♪ Jesus Christ won't save you from the gates of hell ♪

♪ You'll go straight to hell ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Every Angel sings for the Easter Bunny ♪

♪ And the eggs he brings ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Christians pass the test ♪

♪ We are not Semitic therefore we are blessed ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ How can I stay cool and calm ♪

♪ When you don't praise the virgin mom ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

- Oh my God.

- Yo dad, what's up?

- Dad! - What?

You don't recognize me?

I'm yours and Casey's future son

and I'm like beyond messed up.

So thanks for that.

♪ You got me so confused ♪

♪ I don't know which way to choose ♪

♪ Do I celebrate Christmas or Chanukah either way I lose ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't know what to believe in ♪

♪ With the mixed signals I'm receiving ♪

♪ No I don't fit into a box ♪

♪ I'm strung out with doubt and I can't detox ♪

♪ Should I live life for the moment ♪

♪ Or should I kneel and repent ♪

♪ Do I believe the Messiah's coming or came and went ♪

♪ I'm stuck and it's fucking depressing ♪

♪ From all this perpetual guessing ♪

♪ Don't mean to be preachy but like Nietzsche the nihilist ♪

♪ I'm thinking that God don't exist ♪

♪ Do I cry at Schindler's list ♪

♪ Or weep at the passion of the Christ ♪

- Well-

♪ Should I shop retail when there's no sale ♪

♪ Or kvetch that it's all overpriced ♪

♪ I'm gonna haunt you like a poltergeist ♪

♪ My whole identity you've sacrificed ♪

♪ Why didn't you use a condom ♪

No, come on.

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ Not, not for you ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ So true, so true ♪

♪ 6000 years of history ♪

♪ Are resting on your head ♪

♪ If you married her you'd kill me ♪

♪ Were I not already dead ♪

♪ I won't have my grandkids raised ♪

♪ On bagels, lox and cream cheese spread ♪

♪ Now let's review ♪

♪ She's not a Jew ♪

♪ So this isn't the girl for you ♪

♪ A Shayna Maydl ♪

♪ But she doesn't spin the dreidel ♪

♪ This isn't the girl for you hey ♪

- So you're really not Jewish, uh?

- Nope! - Half Jewish?

- Uh- uh. - Quarter Jew?

- Not even a little.

- Okay, so wait, wait, what about relatives?

You got like a cousin or a sister,

or somebody that got a rebellious

and married an Ashkenazi?

- Very doubtful, is this a problem for you, Aaron?

- No, no, no, not for me necessarily.

For some others in my family maybe.

Your family or future children that we may or may not have.

- Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I've never been a big church goer anyway.

- Right, you haven't?

That means you don't have like countless crosses

and Rosemary beads and pictures

of political angels hanging right above your bed

'cause I'm gonna be honest with you,

that would be kinda a bit deal breaker for me.

- No, my parents have never been

into any of that kind of stuff.

So from a very early age

I was always much more of an atheist.

- Oh really?

So, I mean you don't believe in God at all?

- Is this your way of keeping things light and breezy?

- Right, yes.

Sorry, yes, no.

What's your favorite color?

- No, no, you're new to this, so I'll allow.

- Thank you very much.

- To answer your question,

I do believe in a higher power

but I also think that organized religions

have become so overlaid

with extraneous matter that I don't know,

their spiritual substances has become completely obscure.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, check this out.

I've been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle.

Ever heard of him?

- No- - It doesn't matter.

He's a big believer in the power of now.

And so since I have a bad tendency of getting in my head,

I've been trying to separate the process

of thinking and an awareness in an effort to transcend

my ego based station state of consciousness.

- Right, yeah obviously.

That is very, very obvious. - Yeah.

- So how's that going?

- Not so well.

I have a hard time silencing my inner critic.

Oh my God, tell me about it.

- Really? - Yes.

- You do too?

- Yes, my inner critic will not shut up right now.

- Okay, what's he saying?

- It's saying to get out of this thing

as quickly as possible.

- Are you're making fun of me?

- No.

- 'Cause- - No I'm sorry.

- You brought this up, I didn't want to talk about.

- I was joking, it was a bad joke.

- You know what? - I'm sorry.

- It's a shame that you're so closed minded

because actually I think this stuff would help you.

I think the meditation and self awareness

could be helpful for you.

It could be helpful for everybody.

- Yeah, no, you're right, you're right.

It could do that for me

and all the people all over the world.

♪ It was all going okay ♪

♪ But now you don't know what to say ♪

♪ 'Cause you thought that you were being clever ♪

♪ But you came off just as dumb as ever ♪

♪ You should just run for the door ♪

♪ You've played out this scene before ♪

♪ And you're stuck in a slew of hems and haws ♪

♪ It's so awkward ♪

♪ This awkward pause ♪

♪ Would gladly eat a plate of glass ♪

♪ If it would make this moment pass ♪

♪ Would rather skydive with no parachute ♪

♪ Get caught soliciting a prostitute ♪

♪ Better to bump into an ex ♪

♪ Or crash your car into a tree ♪

♪ See your parents having sex ♪

♪ Or catch a mild S.T.D. ♪

♪ Things that normally are paralyzing ♪

♪ Compared to this ♪

♪ They all seem appetizing ♪

♪ 'Cause you're stuck in the agonizing claws ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Of the awkward ♪

♪ The awkward ♪

♪ Pause ♪

Look, can I just...

I just wanted to say that- - Maybe we-

- I'm sorry,.

Look, I wanna- - Oh, dear God, you go first.

- Okay, look, I'm so sorry, okay?

I just misunderstood what you were saying and I messed up.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for getting so standoffish.

It's just, I actually think it's a really good thing

getting to know yourself,

but every time I talk about it,

people look at me like I'm some sort of mental patient.

- Yes, you're right.

Which is exactly why I will not look at you

like that anymore.

No more crazy looks from me, okay?

- Glad to hear it.

Yes.

Oh my God.

Did we just totally have our first fight?

- OMG, we kinda did.

- Oh, girl, we totes did and we came out of it

without any cuts or bruises.

- Barely any internal bleeding.

- Okurrrr.

Well, maybe there's a small smidgeon of hope for us yet.

- Yeah, maybe.

- All right.

Well, since we're already

in this terribly uncomfortable situation,

anything else you wanna tell me before this date continues?

Like you got weird fetishes diseases

black sheep family members.

You can tell me.

You can tell me, I will be totally fine with it.

- Well, now you mentioned it.

There is something I should tell you.

- Oh, sure, lay it on me.

- I have a four year-old son, Blaze.

- Hello!

- You do?

- Yeah, he's great.

He's just the little light of my life.

- Wow, Blaze.

Is it that, so...

So who's the father?

- I'm not entirely sure.

- You're not?

- No, I know it's definitely like between two or three guys

but you know what?

I figure we can always do DNA testing

but that's only if Blaze,

absolutely just has to know his birth father.

- Right. - Are you my daddy?

- Sure, no.

That makes sense to me.

So what's he like?

- Oh, he's very sweet, energetic hyper kid.

And he hasn't been officially diagnosed

but we think he has ADD.

- Oh. - I like basketball

and baseball and soccer and drawing

and chocolate and pirates, airplanes

and French fries, and video games and-

- Wow, you must really have your hands fold,

Aw, aw, wow, wow, wow! - I do, but you know what?

No matter how much he kicks and screams and bites,

he does love to bite and cries

and fight me on every single thing.

At the end of the day,

when I'm sitting there breastfeeding

and he looks up at me with my nipple

on his cute little mouth.

- Nipple, you still breastfeed your four-year-old son?

- Of course, it really helps a mother-son bond.

Anyway, my point is I wouldn't change it for the world.

- No, that's great.

That is great.

I'm just surprised that Kevin neglected

to mention anything to me.

- Oh yeah, Aaron, there's one other thing

I should tell you about Blaze.

- Really, there's something else?

- He doesn't exist.

- Oh, thank God!

- I'm messing with you.

- Can you imagine having to deal

with some fucking monster child

who's still old enough to ask his mommy

for a tall glass of boob.

- He's real.

- Let me finish.

- I'm joking.

- Fuck you, fuck you.

Why would you do that to me?

- Because it was funny, wasn't it?

- Oh my gosh.

- Really funny, really got him there, Kudos sis.

- Oh, Lauren, what do you want?

- I don't know, maybe to help you get married

or at least asked out on a second date.

You know, I really don't understand you Case,

why do you insist on being so-

- Daring, bold and delightfully controversial?

- I was gonna say harsh,

guarded and slightly confrontational,

but you know, six-of-one.

- I can't help it, that's just who I am.

- That's cute.

But you know what else you can help?

Your biological clock.

And if you listen real close to hear what it's saying,

"Hurry the fuck up."

- No, that's not fair, I've really been trying.

- No you haven't.

This is all a game to you, a sport.

You're not looking for the one,

you just looking for new ways to amuse yourself

in other people's experience.

- You know what?

We can't all be like you.

We can't all meet our dream guy

and settle down in Connecticut at age 24.

- That's hurtful.

We didn't get our first house in Westport till I was 28,

and you know it.

Look just do me a favor,

try a little harder with this guy

'cause Kevin really likes him.

And wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

If he did it someone nice for once.

- Fine.

- Oh, God, you know what?

I think I need another beer.

Excuse me, can I get a beer please?

Just one, thank you.

- Uh oh, did my menace of an imaginary child force

you to start drinking again?

He does have that effect on people.

- Yeah, he really does, you know I was this close

to driving my imaginary minivan off of the top

of a very steep imaginary place.

- Oh, listen Aaron, don't feel bad.

I totally get why Blaze would scare you.

Well, I mean, we're not all made for breeders, right?

Nothing says we have to have children.

Am I right?

- So you don't wanna have kids?

- No, well, definitely yeah, I do, someday.

- Yeah, me too.

I want a big family actually.

Not yet though, but come on, can't you imagine it.

Bunch of little Aarons running around,

all saying giving off a goffy elbo.

- Oh, yeah, on their little suits?

- Well, come on!

You know it's funny actually,

my ex always used to say to me,

- Oh no, you don't do it.

- No, I don't what Gabe?

- Dude, dude, we've been over this like 100 times.

You never ever bring up your ex on the first date.

- Why not?

Allison was such a huge part of my life.

- There's just no way you can exclude me

from the conversation.

- No, no, no, Aaron get her out of your head.

I'm begging you.

This is not the time to be thinking about Allison.

- Okay-

- Guess he can't help himself Gabe.

I'm simply too wonderful.

- She's simply too wonderful.

♪ You look buff ♪

♪ You've been working out babe ♪

♪ All your hotness is making me weak ♪

♪ Love the haircut ♪

♪ I love the suit ♪

♪ You're a walking example of chic ♪

♪ You're the handsomest man in this restaurant ♪

♪ Like a model right out of GQ ♪

♪ You're also the world's greatest lover ♪

♪ So rip off my clothes ♪

♪ Spread my legs ♪

♪ Have your way with me ♪

♪ Oh how I crave your ♪

- Bull shit, "Rip off my clothes.

Have your way with me."

That's not what Allison would say and you know it.

Now be honest with yourself.

What would Allison really say to you?

- Well, you mean like in the bedroom?

- Yeah. - Well, I guess I would go

a little something more like this and-

Allison, wanna have sex?

- Sorry, you know the rules.

Once the retainer goes in the va-jay-jay's off-limits.

- Exactly, don't you see?

The real Allison is not the way you choose to remember her.

She's a frigid, emotionally manipulative wench

that you need to permanently erase from your thoughts.

So you can finally move on.

- Okay, okay, okay, I got you.

Okay, no more Allison, she's out of my head.

Now please, what am I doing about my date?

Because- - Well, thankfully,

you got your best friend here to help you through this.

Now, Aaron, do I get ass?

- Yes. - Yes, and I'm gonna help

you get some too, but only if you listened

to your consigliere.

So remember you talk about the ex,

you can forget about the sex, got it?

- Yes got it.

Talk about ex, forget about this talk.

- Your ex always used to say you what?

- Not much, nothing at all actually,

she was mute. - Oh.

- Can we talk about something else?

- Absolutely, let's re-focus.

Oh my God,.

- Okay, so I know that guys absolutely love

to talk about work.

So why don't you regale me with some anecdotes

and stories about that?

- Oh, no problem.

And what do you wanna know?

- Well, what you do exactly?

- Ah, investment banking, corporate finance

and sometimes I fiddle around with mergers and acquisitions.

- Oh, sounds riveting.

- Yeah, just one, thank you.

I know it's the most sexier or fascinating a job

but it pays bills.

- Yes, but does it fulfill your soul.

- It fulfills my sole purpose of making money.

- Okay, all right, so you're one of those guys.

Is that what it's all about for you, the cash-ola?

- Well, it is for now.

Anyway, what about you?

Kevin told me that you work in an art gallery.

Is that always been your lifelong ambition?

- No, but it's creative

and it's a good place for me to study my craft.

- Oh cool, which is?

- Photography. - Ah, no way.

You're a photographer?

- Yes, no, well, no, I used to dabble.

I own a camera.

- So what do you do at the gallery?

You pick up the pieces?

- Yeah, sometimes. - Cool.

- Why?

- Oh no, it's just that I thought

the whole Damien Hirst exhibition was awesome.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Wait a minute.

How do you know about that?

- I may have done some research online before our date.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- You googled me?

- Well, yes, I googled you, but let me explain.

I just wanted to let myself know what I was in for before.

- And what else did you find out?

- What didn't he find out?

- I know Google, is that you?

Again, why do you always have to ruin everything?

- Because I'm the world's number one search engine.

That's why, and Casey.

♪ You know exactly all that he uncovered ♪

♪ Your dirty secrets aren't safe with me ♪

♪ Mistakes that will be better undiscovered ♪

♪ I display them all for all to see ♪

♪ Like the time that you were kicked out of the girl scouts ♪

♪ Or got high with your boyfriend in a church ♪

♪ Or how you were thrown in jail ♪

♪ Trying to save a sea world whale ♪

♪ It's all there when you hit search ♪

♪ And you can't erase it ♪

♪ You can't suppress ♪

♪ All the information that my servers poses ♪

♪ There's a little saying that I hold dear ♪

♪ The world wide we is forever ♪

♪ So you've everything to fear ♪

- What are you doing?

- Well, if you googled me

I think it's only fair I google you right back

don't you?

- No, no, not at all, that's not the rule.

You cannot believe everything that you read on here.

That's...

Can I just...

♪ Twitter ♪

♪ Those tweets you tweeted after your big break up ♪

♪ Facebook ♪

♪ Your Facebook friends cap out of 54 ♪

♪ YouTube ♪

♪ That movie of you in a dress and makeup ♪

♪ Humping an inflated dinosaur ♪

All right, that was a fraternity hazing ritual.

♪ Instagram ♪

♪ Those pics where you looked oranger than a pumpkin ♪

That is bad spray tan.

♪ Oh how you were accused of homicide ♪

That's...

No, that's another Aaron Goldfarb.

♪ All the world will always know ♪

♪ How you hard a giant fro ♪

♪ You can run but you can't hide ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't erase it you can't suppress ♪

♪ All the information that our servers possess ♪

♪ There's no hitting backspace no second chance ♪

♪ The world wide web is forever ♪

♪ Threatening any shot at romance ♪

Okay, hotshot, okay, I didn't search had enough

the first time.

So let's see what other dirt I can find on you.

Wait.

Oh my!

- In your high school production of Hello Dolly-

- That's bad.

- You were Dolly.

How embarrassing.

- I went to an All-Boys Academy.

And I'll have you know, the school newspaper

people call my work "oddly compelling."

♪ Oh wow ♪

♪ No way ♪

♪ You did that ♪

♪ This can't be you awkward ♪

♪ what were you thinking pervert ♪

♪ You can't escape us we are always there ♪

♪ Watching and waiting ♪

♪ And sometimes misstating the truth ♪

♪ Thus negating your chances of meeting ♪

♪ No point in debating ♪

♪ 'Cause we've been creating a hell unabating ♪

♪ For anyone dating ♪

♪ Oh you can't delete ♪

♪ All the crap you've done ♪

♪ It's man versus the internet ♪

♪ And guess who has won ♪

♪ So remember when you Skype ♪

♪ In the nude ♪

♪ The world wide web is forever ♪

♪ The world wide web is forever ♪

♪ The world wide web is forever ♪

♪ Take note or you're totally screwed ♪

♪ You're really screwed ♪

Wait, can we please just call the truce please?

- Okay, - Okay,

- Phones down. - Yes back in their holsters.

Turn, yes, boom.

So we both have things floating around on the internet

that we're not proud of.

- Yes, and there's no way to get rid of them either.

Believe me I've tried.

- You know what, I think it's funny, right?

The internet is supposed to be this great way

of connecting people or whatever.

But I actually think that it's doing the opposite.

Especially when it comes to dating.

- I agree, I think when you can find out everything

you would ever wanna know about somebody

before meeting them, what's the fun of that?

- Right, right.

It's like you make all these unfair judgments

about someone without ever seeing the person face-to-face.

- Or experiencing what it's like to interact with them.

- Yes, to hear their voice.

- God forbid, maybe touch them.

- Would you please explain to me that hand move?

- Dude, I can't believe she totally put her hand on you.

- What, that, that was nothing.

- Yes, I know Gabe.

But I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it.

So sh.

- Look at me Case,

now, do you wanna find something genuine and meaningful

like I have with Kevin or not?

- Yes, I mean, in theory.

- You got to start playing it slow.

'Cause landing a quality guy's like a marathon,

not a sprint to fuck county.

- Dude, whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it

'cause you might actually have a shot with this one.

I know I'm as shocked as you're.

- Hi, how are we doing over here?

- Uh, good, good, I'm good, you good?

- Yeah, good.

- Everyone's good.

Whatever, you good?

- Yeah, poop, poop!

- Thank you.

- Here we go, can I get you guys anything else?

- No, you know what?

Actually, I'm pretty starving.

You wanna grab something to eat?

Food's supposed to be real good here.

- Could eat something, yeah.

- Great, great!

- Great!

Right this way.

- All right, thanks.

After you.

- Yes.

- Hey, hi, how are you doing?

You good?

This is a Meta-Moment where I directly address the camera.

Have you ever been on a first date

and you really got to pee

but you can't quite work out when to go.

Well, I always recommend going in between courses

which is right now.

So go to the restroom top up your wine,

do whatever you got to do.

You got three minutes.

So I recommend it's only a pee.

Ready, steady, go!

Yeah, this is literally how we're doing the interval.

That's a nice lamp.

Got a dead leg already.

Do you mind if I don't smile?

My jaw's kind of aching.

Damn, some nice cushions.

Where did they come from, Walmart?

No, no.

No, no, seriously,

I don't get any more interesting than this.

Go, go pee, go pee.

Gentlemen, only shake it twice,

more than twice and you're playing with it.

Madam, did you not plan on wearing any clothes

for this live stream?

I mean it's fine but it's just a little disrespectful.

Sir, you be as disrespectful as you want.

I love a bichon frise.

Hey, what's your name?

I'm a dog whisper.

♪ When I say digital ♪

♪ You say musical ♪

♪ Digital digital ♪

♪ Digital digital ♪

Did you do it?

I bet you didn't.

Now we're two minutes, 16 in.

I don't know why I chose that timestamp

but it's not particularly important.

Now you got 30 seconds left.

There's a lot you can do in 30 seconds.

Isn't that sir?

Should we do a countdown?

Okay, we're gonna count down from 10.

Ready?

Here we go.

10,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

Okay, let's get back to the first date.

- Thank you.

- Here we go.

- Thank you so much.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay, all the best.

So, anything jumping out at you?

- I don't know.

The burger and fries sounds pretty amazing.

- Sure it does if you're trying to make weight,

right before a big Sumo Wrestling Competition,

but not on a first date.

- Why not?

It shows that I'm confident with my body

and I don't have any weird eating issue.

- No, it shows him that you have

an unusually healthy appetite.

And then one day all of this is gonna go away

and you're gonna end up on the biggest loser

"Gee, I wonder why I'm still single" edition.

- That's ridiculous, guys don't think like that.

I'm getting the burger.

What are you looking at?

- I don't know, maybe the chop salad.

- No, fuck you, you're not getting that.

- What's the big deal?

- Salads are for pussies.

You're getting a burger, rare.

- But I want a salad.

- And I want Taylor Swift

but you know how I'm not getting her

by ordering a sissy salad with my balls on the side,

on our very first date.

- You're insane, okay?

I'm not listening to you.

I want to chop salad, remember the chopped salad, okay?

- Made any decisions?

- I'll have the chop salad, please.

- I'll get the burger.

- Thank you, coming right up.

- Thanks.

Salad, what happened?

Thought you were gonna get the burger.

Hope you didn't order the salad for my benefit, did you?

- No, of course not, why would I do that?

Well, some girls think that they got to order

a salad on the first date.

They gonna show the guy that they care

about their body or whatever,

which I think is completely ridiculous.

- You do?

- Well, yeah, for sure, I mean

if honest I'd rather order some meat and potatoes.

Really just get in there, right?

But that's just my preference.

- So are you telling me

that you don't care about how a girl looks?

- No, not really, rather she was happy.

- For real?

- Yeah, for real.

I mean it, at the end of the day looks go,

but if you still have things in common,

and can still make each other laugh,

then that's all that really matters, uh?

You have got to be kidding me.

- You're not really gonna fall for this bollocks, are you?

- Come on guys, leave us alone,

you have no right to get in the middle of this.

- We have every right to get in the middle of this.

- We're your past.

- And your future, love.

- Look, you guys satisfied a very specific need

at a very specific time.

But thankfully that phase is over.

- You always think it's over.

- You like bad boys Casey, not this, it's who you're.

- Why fight it?

♪ I never open up your door ♪

♪ I never shower you with praise ♪

♪ When you call or text my phone ♪

♪ I don't reply to you for days ♪

♪ I can't hold down a job I failed my GED ♪

♪ I'm angry and indifferent and babe ♪

♪ Ooh babe that's why you love me ♪

♪ Ooh that's why you love me ♪

♪ I'll take you out to awesome meals ♪

♪ But can't afford to pay the checks ♪

♪ I will pledge eternal love ♪

♪ Then leave your place right after sex ♪

♪ I always say I'm booked ♪

♪ In truth I'm usually free ♪

♪ I canceled on your birthday and babe ♪

♪ Ooh babe, that's why you love me ♪

♪ That's why you love me ♪

♪ That's why you love me ♪

♪ You love how I keep you guessing ♪

♪ If I'm interested or not ♪

♪ And how I tell your mother ♪

♪ That she is super-frickin' hot ♪

♪ How I cover up my lies ♪

♪ By saying I'm hanging with the guys ♪

♪ No one will treat you half as nice ♪

♪ I only cheated on you twice ♪

♪ You've got no choice you know you're hooked ♪

♪ You're hooked ♪

♪ You gave it up on our first date ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ After I told you you looked fine ♪

♪ But had to lose a little weight ♪

♪ Only 10 pounds ♪

♪ I'm bound to disappoint ♪

♪ I'm sure that you'd agree ♪

♪ I'm snotty and neglectful ♪

♪ I'm nasty and self-serving ♪

♪ I've got a giant penis and babe ♪

♪ Ooh, babe that's why you love me ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ That's why you love me ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ That's why you love me ♪

♪ That's why you love me ♪

- Tell me, Aaron, have you ever been arrested?

- Sorry?

- Done any jail time, I'll even count juvie, I'm not picky.

- Oh no, no jail time here to visit Alcatraz once.

Hey, fun fact.

- How about drugs, ecstasy, coke, methamphetamines

ever had what people might call problem.

- Tried mushrooms in college one night accidentally.

That's why I make my own pizzas now.

- Random piercings, tattoos,

I'll even settle for henna.

- No, I'm a little confused by this.

Where are these questions coming from?

- Listen Aaron, I think you were really sweet.

Really put together a guy

but I'm usually more attracted to bad boys.

- And I guess that means that you think that I'm-

- Not a bad boy, which is totally fine.

You're who you're.

It's just not what I normally go for.

- Right, yeah.

But I may not be a bad boy

in the traditional bad boy sense of the word.

But that doesn't mean

that I've never done anything bad before.

- Have you?

- Yeah, there's a lot of layers here.

We've been talking for what?

Like an hour?

That's barely scraping the surface of who I really am.

- All right, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

How about you tell me something bad that you've done.

- Yes, gladly.

You mean now?

Okay, fine, something bad.

Okay, got it.

One nightstand, done it.

This guy, okay, boom!

- Have you?

- Yes Casey, I have.

Can you just define exactly what nightstand means?

You wanna get your phone?

- Absolutely not, I'd rather stick with this.

- You can get it.

I don't mind if you get your phone.

- Yeah, see, that's what this amazing

new invention called "voicemail's" for.

Now, let me clarify.

Hey, It's Casey.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

♪ This is your bailout sweetie ♪

♪ Your bailout honey I'm calling to bail you out ♪

♪ And I'm getting your voicemail once again ♪

♪ What's the deal I mean it really call me back ♪

♪ Because I'm bored and I'm feeling totes ignored ♪

♪ Later slut ♪

- My definition of a one night stand

is meeting some random girl in a bar,

having your way with her and then never seeing her again.

Is that what you did?

- No, no, not exactly.

- Who was she?

- She was my next door neighbor all of growing up.

But it affected our relationship in a bad way, so-

- Listen, Aaron, I appreciate the effort

but I think before this date goes any further,

I think we should just admit

that this is maybe not a love connection,

- But- - No,

you're really, really great guy.

And I think there's a perfect girl out there for you.

It's just...

What I'm trying to say is I really think we should be-

- Okay, sorry.

Hold on one second.

Did I miss something?

Because I was actually under the impression

that the state was going pretty well,

but now the meal, isn't it even here yet,

and she is about to put me smack dab

right in the middle of the friend-zone.

Do you have any idea what that means?

- The friend-zone is for platonic relationships only

no grouping.

- And here we go.

- The friend-zone is for last-minute party advice

because the guy she really likes can't make it.

No oral pleasure.

- How did I end up here?

Again, sure, maybe there were a few things

that I could've done differently.

But just to thrust me back into the-

- The friend-zone is for emotional support,

self-esteem boosting and torturous mind games,

no penetration.

- It just seems a little harsh, right?

I just don't get it.

I'm always destined to be that guy,

sweet, the ever faithful, loyal, dependable buddy.

Dear God, I'm not a man, I'm a fuckin' puppy.

- I'm sorry, what did you say?

You just wanna be my-

- Friend, I think we should be friends.

- Uh, no, thank you for that kind offer Casey.

It's a lot to think about, so thank you

because who doesn't need more friends, right?

'Cause friends are the flowers in the garden of life.

So let's just plant the seed of friendship and see how it...

Can you just excuse me for one second,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom

and try and drown myself in the urinal, okay.

- So tell me, how's it feel being a relationship assassin?

- Lauren, give it a rest.

- I just don't understand,

you claim to want what Kevin and I have,

but when you find a guy

who could actually give you all those same things,

you totally sabotage it.

- I know, I have a problem.

- You really do.

What does your therapist say about this?

- Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, fear of commitment.

- Can you be a little more specific?

- Not really 'cause that's pretty much exactly

what I hear in my head every time I talk to him.

- Okay, then just talk to me.

I'm your sister, and even I don't get it.

- Get what Lauren?

- These walls you put up.

We're family and I can't even begin to break

through this hard exterior of yours.

- Well, keeping you at arms length.

I do consider one of my most crowning achievements.

- Joke, all you want, we both know all this bravado

is really just you being afraid of getting hurt.

I mean, let's be honest.

The same thing that happened with your photography show.

- It wasn't ready.

- No, you weren't ready

'Case you had all these amazing photos

and a gallery that was willing to exhibit anything

you wanted to give them.

And right at the last second, you backed out.

It's the same thing with every single guy in your life.

There's always some reason or another lame excuse

as to why things don't work out over and over-

- Okay, Lauren, I get it.

♪ I know that I have issues I face them I swear ♪

♪ Think I overcome them then turn they're still there ♪

♪ Wish that I was different ♪

♪ I'd like to let go ♪

♪ But when I try to change there's my past saying no ♪

♪ Maybe it's all 'cause of dad his new kids ♪

♪ His new wife or why not just blame mom ♪

♪ Who's been nuts my whole life ♪

♪ When you've felt so alone since the moment of birth ♪

♪ And you've struggled to find ♪

♪ Your own true sense of worth ♪

♪ When it seems there is no one across this whole earth ♪

♪ To depend upon you carry on ♪

♪ Just like you always do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's safer ♪

♪ To rely on you ♪

♪ Oh it's safer to rely on you ♪

♪ Seen a million movies all selling true love ♪

♪ Fantasies I'm not sure that I'm worthy of ♪

♪ Caution to the wind my heart's been on display ♪

♪ Still the end result is it's not gone my way ♪

♪ So when I date some new guy who's a deadbeat or jerk ♪

♪ At least I'm not so crushed when it all doesn't work ♪

♪ When you once, unafraid ♪

♪ Wore your heart on your sleeve ♪

♪ And the ones that you loved chose to just turn and leave ♪

♪ Every day it gets harder to somehow believe ♪

♪ You will survive so you strive ♪

♪ Just to keep up your guard ♪

♪ 'Cause it's safer to hold every card ♪

♪ Oh it's safer to hold every card ♪

♪ Are you out of control ♪

♪ I feel safe on the ground ♪

♪ I go building up walls yet I wish to be found ♪

♪ A true contradiction to which I am bound ♪

♪ As I keep on spinning around and around ♪

♪ And I look at the people who've worked it all out ♪

♪ And I wonder why I'm still a bundle of doubt ♪

♪ And sometimes I wanna just stand up and shout ♪

♪ Just commit and deal with it ♪

♪ Before your life flies by ♪

♪ Don't let your life fly by ♪

♪ But is it safer ♪

♪ Maybe it's safer ♪

♪ If I don't try ♪

Hey, you're back?

- Yeah, I'm.

But you know what?

Not for long, I'm gonna head out.

- Dinner hasn't come yet.

- Yeah, I know friend,

but no, it's getting kinda late friend.

So I'm just gonna skedaddle out of here.

- Okay, I get it.

You're a little mad at me right now.

- No, no, no, no, I'm not mad at you

because friends don't get mad at friends, friend.

So I'm just trying to process

and adjust to this new form of friendship.

So I just feel like I need to do that by myself.

That's all Friend-o.

- Yeah, fine, great, let's get the bill.

- Finally, something we can agree on, Mazel Tov.

All right, if only we could find that frickin' waiter.

'Cause he's always here,

apart from when we need him, friend.

Thank you

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

please sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Sit, thank you.

Now as some of the regulars here already know

I do a little writing and performing on the side.

Very little.

That's why I've been stuck in this rat hole

for way too long.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

There are no rats.

We use them all in the bolognese,

I'm still kidding.

Still, if you'd indulge me for the next few minutes

I'd like to share with you my latest musical extravaganza.

Hit the lights, Jorge.

This goes out to all the lover and future lovers out there.

I'm looking at you table four.

- Oh my God.

- Sweet Jesus.

- That was my Nathan lane.

Okay.

♪ I made my career as a waiter ♪

♪ And my job well it never gets old ♪

♪ I've seen romances bloom wild affairs meet their doom ♪

♪ Every night some new sight to behold ♪

♪ Yet I find as I wait on my tables ♪

♪ And serve them their baskets of bread ♪

♪ I can't help but think ♪

♪ As they pick out a drink of what I would order instead ♪

♪ I'd order love delicious well-seasoned and rare ♪

♪ I'd order love a big enough portion to share ♪

♪ Bring me all of the heartache ♪

♪ A small side of woe ♪

♪ That flavor of longing that I long to know ♪

♪ I don't need a menu ♪

♪ Just someone to care for my heart ♪

♪ Yes I'd order love there's no better dish to start ♪

♪ I'd order love that's spicy and steaming and hot ♪

♪ Oh I'd order love so juicy it just hits the spot ♪

♪ Bada bada pa pa pa ♪

♪ I crave nights full of passion all drizzled with lust ♪

♪ Breakfast in bed is an absolute must ♪

♪ Then bring on the marriage ♪

♪ But don't top it off with divorce ♪

♪ Yes I'd order love ♪

♪ It's the very best second course ♪

♪ I'm tired of always observing ♪

♪ Loving couples all dreamy and sweet ♪

♪ For years I've been patiently waiting ♪

♪ When's it gonna be my time to eat ♪

♪ This lack of attention's unnerving ♪

♪ I fear that I'm losing my grip ♪

♪ If cupid keeps up ♪

♪ This substandard service I'm screwing him out of his tip ♪

♪ He don't get no tip ♪

♪ Big finish ♪

♪ I'd order love appetizer main course and dessert ♪

♪ More lights Jorge ♪

♪ Yeah I'd order love even if it was peppered ♪

♪ With hurt ♪

♪ 'Cause at least I could savor ♪

♪ The way that it feels to not eat alone ♪

♪ For each one of my meals ♪

♪ There's a lot on the menu ♪

♪ I'd have something else if I could ♪

♪ But I'd order love 'cause there's nothing else ♪

♪ On earth that tastes so good ♪

♪ Oh it tastes so good ♪

♪ Oh so very good ♪

♪ So good so good ♪

- Well, that wasn't too awkward.

Kinda like when my dad chaperoned the sock Hop

in Junior High and forced me to slow-dance with him.

Oh, you think that's funny.

Oh yeah, great, I'm glad I amuse you.

- Here we go, one chop salad for the lady

and one manly burger for the gentleman.

- Yeah, thank you, but actually, you know what?

I don't think we're good.

- Okay, I think you're being a little over-dramatic.

The food's here, I think we can enjoy one meal together.

- Fine, fine, one very quick meal.

- Bon appetite.

- So BDS, what are we supposed to talk about now?

- What do you mean?

- I just mean, usually on your other blind dates,

once you've destroyed guy's spirit

and then question your overall attraction to the man

and then let them know in no uncertain terms

that they do not have a snowball's chance

in hell of hooking up with you.

What do you talk about next?

- All right. - The weather?

- All right, the way I see it is you have two options.

You can sit here and be angry guy

for the rest of the meal

or you can turn that frown upside down

and take advantage of this golden opportunity.

- Oh, this golden, what golden opportunity

are you talking about exactly, uh?

- I apologize if my obvious lack of tact

and blunt, honesty offended you.

But, I happen to know lots of single eligible,

attractive women.

And if you play your cards right,

I could be the one who sets you up for your soulmate.

- She has lots of single women.

- You know lots of single women?

- Tons of 'em and they're crawling all over the city.

- Okay, fine, yeah, really, I mean

maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.

I see we go over this like we just met, right?

There's no history here, we got nothing, right?

So if it's not you or me, then maybe it's me and-

- Countless others.

- Okay, okay, okay, I'm game, right?

Who do you got in mind?

- Well, it depends what's your type?

- I don't know, not too specific, maybe just...

♪ Five foot six with a great complexion ♪

♪ Hazel eyes you get lost in for days ♪

♪ Chestnut hair halfway down the back ♪

♪ Slender figure with breasts that amaze ♪

♪ Just the slightest hint of a dimple ♪

♪ Pouty lips with a lily white smile ♪

♪ Tiny birthmark below the right shoulder ♪

♪ And a manic-depressive demanding ♪

♪ Emasculating ball-busting beast from hell ♪

Didn't I tell you to leave Allison out of this?

- Okay, right, yes, you're right, sorry.

Moment of weakness, won't happen again.

You know what, I'm not picky, you decide.

- Okay, so do you want a good girl

who you can take home to mom and dad

or do you want a more adventurous rebellious girl

who's definitely way more fun in the sack.

- Oh, wow, you know what?

I think Dad would be thrilled with either at this point.

- But what about mom?

- That's hard to say.

- Oh, why, will you always be her adorable widdle boy

and no girl will ever be good enough for you?

- Nope, it's not that-

- Could you not let you go?

Is she one of those overbearing Jewish mothers who just-

- My mom is dead Casey.

She passed away when I was in 10th grade

before that she was so driven

and career obsessed that I hardly ever saw her.

- Wow, I feel like a total jerk.

- Oh no, no, no, it's fine.

- I guess I just assumed that-

- What, that I came from some perfect drama-free home?

Yeah, I've been picking up on that.

- So how did...

Sorry, do you mind talking about this stuff?

- Oh, it's not really first date material,

is it now, Casey?

But hey, since we're no longer on first date,

it's ripe for discussion.

- What happened?

- Well, she was born with a defect

in one of the valves in her heart

which most people can live with their entire lives

but she had a pretty stressful demanding job

with a law firm,

which probably definitely made it worse.

And then by the time that she started showing symptoms

it was pretty severe.

So they rushed her for emergency surgery

and I guess there were a few complications and...

And why am I telling you this?

- Because I'm a good listener.

And if I haven't shown it tonight,

the dark secret about me

is that I'm actually very sensitive.

Did you get to say goodbye?

- Yeah, briefly.

But it was at the hospital.

So it was rushed and we didn't know what was gonna happen.

You know what the crazy part?

Is that a couple of days later

I was going through my sock drawer looking

for a matching pair socks to wear to the funeral

and I found a letter that she had written me,

right before she left for the hospital.

She must have thought that there's a chance

that she wasn't coming back, so-

- What did the letter say?

♪ It isn't easy to express what I feel inside ♪

♪ But that shouldn't come as a surprise to you ♪

♪ Haven't been the perfect mom ♪

♪ But please know that I tried ♪

♪ I did the best I could ♪

♪ And that's the best that I could do ♪

♪ Now facing a future that's uncertain ♪

♪ I cannot say what lies ahead ♪

♪ But I won't give up I'll face my fears ♪

♪ And fight back years of uncried tears ♪

♪ And tell you all the things I never said ♪

♪ All of the hours spent at work consumed by my career ♪

♪ I wouldn't blame you if you thought I didn't care ♪

♪ Graduations that I missed all the games I didn't cheer ♪

♪ I never told you then ♪

♪ But how I wanted to be there ♪

♪ As thoughts of the past run through my memory ♪

♪ The choices I've made the life I've led ♪

♪ An office on the highest floor ♪

♪ It meant so much but you mean more ♪

♪ That's one of many things ♪

♪ So much in my life I took for granted ♪

♪ Like tucking my children into bed ♪

♪ My world was always spinning fast ♪

♪ Then in an instant years had passed ♪

♪ And here I sit with so much left unsaid ♪

♪ I've always lived a world apart ♪

♪ But through it all you were my heart ♪

♪ That's one of many things ♪

♪ Of oh so many things ♪

♪ I never said ♪

- I don't wanna make the same mistakes my mum did, Casey.

I won't make the same mistake she did.

- What about this whole getup?

All the hard work,

it sounds like you're doing the exact same thing.

- Nope, nah, I don't care about any of that stuff.

None of any of this, that's just my job.

That is not me.

I just wanna learn as much money as I can now

so that I do not have to miss out on anything like that.

You're pretty popular tonight, uh?

Get it, please, I don't mind.

- No. - No, go.

- Not at all.

Hey, it's Casey.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

♪ This is your bailout sweetie your bailout ♪

♪ Honey I'm calling to bail you out ♪

♪ And you're still aren't answering your phone ♪

♪ Now I'm pissed I mean really ♪

- Wait, hold on.

Stop the music, stop the music!

I don't wanna sing anymore.

Okay, shit.

Listen up bitch.

What's the deal?

'Cause this is like my third unreturned phone call tonight

which is starting to make me seem desperate.

And Reggie doesn't do desperates.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but did we not agree

when we met doing karaoke and bonding over,

"Love is a battlefield"

that we would be best friends forever?

Well, I'm pretty sure BFFs pick up the phone

when the other BFF calls, right?

I mean, What's going on?

One date and you're already choosing him over me!

Could it really be going that well?

Or did he shove you into the back of his creepy white van

and your phone's lying in a ditch

at the side of the road somewhere?

Oh my God, you're not dead, are you?

Oh my God, you're totally dead.

It seems to me, we have two options here,

either A you're having a wonderful time

and purposely choosing to ignore the real love of your life,

or B you're totally dead

and he's making a dress out of your skin

at this very moment.

Either way, you've left me with no other option

but to come to the restaurant.

So just to wrap up, I hope you're alive.

And I very much look forward to the scene

that I'm about to cause.

Oh, and later skank.

- All right, okay, you can stop staring at me

with your mouth hung up open like that, all right?

You're starting to make me feel like a freak.

No, it's just, I'm rarely surprised by somebody

and you just totally surprised me.

- Why, 'cause my mom died?

Let me tell you, that is nothing, all right?

Wait until you hear about my new just uncle Harry

and my kleptomania cousin, Carol,

because them, some stories.

- No, I'm surprised by how open and honest you just were.

Most people build up walls and are not like that.

- Yeah, well, I told you I'm an open book, wasn't lying.

How's the salad?

- Oh, good, yeah.

You want a bite?

- Yeah, sure, you want a bite of this?

- All right, yeah.

- All right, cool, get in there.

Take that, I'm gonna do this.

That's coming in here, a little coming.

Oh good, very, very good.

Wanna do a little swapsies?

- I'm game if you're.

- Game on, let's do it Put this here, give me your fork.

And I'm gonna steal this little pickle spear

and I'll show you what I do.

- Am I going crazy, or am I starting to dig this guy?

And don't say it's because he played the dead mom card

'cause I really don't think that's it.

Believe me I'm starting to like puke in my mouth

as I say this but I actually think

he's got a really good heart.

And despite his obvious lack of bad boy standing

there's a definite charm

and strangely attractive quality to him.

Could it be that I am...

Maybe sort of in a roundabout way into him?

- Oh, I love pickles.

All right, so come on,

I'm waiting, anybody springing to mind?

- For what?

- To set me up with.

- Oh, yeah that. - Yeah, right?

- Right...

Okay, well there's my friend Nina.

- Nina, Nina, Nina, what's she like?

- Actress, a little cray-cray,

touch of the bipolar, but so sweet.

- Right, well, with a recommendation like that,

who else you got?

- There's Trish, super-cute, super-clingy.

Girl meets a guy and just clings on for dear life,

like a perky little barnacle

if you're into that kind of thing.

- You know what?

I do prefer my barnacles a little less clingy, you know?

- Okay, well I have this new friend called Allison.

That could actually be quite good.

- Sorry, did you say Allison?

- Yes, she just got out have a relationship

but she's ready to start dating again.

- What's her last name?

- What is her last name?

Allison...

Allison...

Weaver, Allison Weaver.

- Wow, thank God.

- Why do you know her?

- No, I just thought you're gonna say someone else.

- Who?

- Allison-

- Aaron, I want you to think very carefully,

before you do this.

- Zuckerman, Allison Zuckerman, yeah.

- Who's Allison Zuckerman?

- Yeah, Aaron who is Allison Zuckerman?

She's just a girl that used to be my fiancee.

Allison Zuckerman used to be my fiancee, yes.

- What's the point in imagining me

if you're not gonna listen to a freakin' word I say!

- Oh, I didn't know you were engaged.

Wait, was she the girl who was mute?

No, that would be wishful thinking.

- Wow, so how close were you to getting married?

- Pretty close I'd say.

- Had you sent out the invitations?

- Yeah, yeah gifts had been bought, band been booked.

and people were taking their seats if memory serves.

- No, she left you on your wedding day?

- No, well, she left me standing there

all alone under the chuppah.

- Why would she do that?

- I don't know.

Although I found her sprinting off in the parking lot

and she did say one thing to me.

- Which was?

- Sorry, Aaron, I just can't do this.

- I just can't do this?

- Yep. - What is this girl's address?

'Cause I am in the mood to cut a bitch.

- No, no, come on, I'm sure she had her reasons.

- Whatever reasons she had, you don't do that to someone.

What was the last time you saw her?

- 14 months, two weeks and three days

or something like that.

- Wow.

- Yeah, no there was pressure on the both of us, Okay?

So it's fine.

- Why are you defending her?

Are you still in love with her?

- No, not, God, no, all right?

I just...

I don't know, I never got any closure.

And maybe there was a part of me that thought,

"Well, she would change her mind.

She'd come running back to me."

But I guess I get...

That's why I haven't really dated anyone

or even gotten close to anybody since she left.

- Wait, are you trying to tell me

that you haven't kissed anyone since Allison?

- Oh, well that's a very complicated story

but the short answer is no.

- A long answer? - Also no.

- Okay, right, what I want you to do,

is imagine that she was here, right here right now.

- What, no, why?

No.

- No, no because we have to get you past this.

This is something I did in therapy for years

and me and my dad have had so many productive

conversations like this.

Okay, can you see her?

- Not so much.

- Oh, come on Aaron, work with me here.

Imagine that she was dressed the same way

that you might've been the last time you saw her.

Can you do that?

Can you see her now?

- Yeah, you could say that.

- Okay, now I want you to say everything

you've waited 14 months, two weeks

and three days to say to her.

Don't hold back.

- Hello, Allison.

- Hey, Aaron.

There's something you wanna say to me?

- No, I-

- Come on you can do this.

- Yes, actually, I...

Yes I do.

♪ I never knew what love was like until I saw your face ♪

♪ And suddenly I felt a love that time cannot erase ♪

♪ Your eyes so sweet and piercing ♪

♪ Your manner kind yet strong ♪

♪ The kind of girl I could love forever ♪

♪ We'd spend the rest of our lives together ♪

♪ And in my life I don't think I've ever ♪

♪ Been so fucking wrong ♪

♪ You're a bitch with no heart you're a liar ♪

♪ You're Satan and I hate the way you snore at night ♪

♪ All your quirks piss me off ♪

♪ And I don't think I'm misstating ♪

♪ Your compulsive need to always be right ♪

♪ You're bossy and judgmental ♪

♪ Kind of tactless boring too ♪

♪ And I really can't believe I ever fell in love with you ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Is that too much?

- Not enough.

- Okay.

♪ I know that all seemed kind of harsh ♪

♪ And things weren't always bad ♪

♪ In fact, I think some times we shared ♪

♪ Were the best that I've ever had ♪

♪ Like our road trip that one summer ♪

♪ Or those steamy nights in Spain ♪

♪ You always melted when I would praise you ♪

♪ And my stupid jokes they would never phase you ♪

♪ But that don't mean shit ♪

♪ Next to all the ways you drove me so insane ♪

♪ You're a cock-frickin'-tease girl ♪

♪ You never stop your talking ♪

♪ And at times you got a double chin ♪

♪ You may say it's good fun ♪

♪ But your racist rants are shocking ♪

♪ And your lips don't need more collagen ♪

♪ All you care about is how much someone makes ♪

♪ And what they do not a man in his right mind ♪

♪ Would ever fall in love with you ♪

♪ You always criticized the clothes that I would wear ♪

♪ And found a way of pointing out ♪

♪ My thinning hair really ♪

♪ You turned me vegan which I totally despise ♪

♪ And I'm pretty sure you laughed that time ♪

♪ I said let's compromise ♪

♪ If you were shot or beaten run over by a truck ♪

♪ I guess that I'd be sad ♪

♪ But then again ♪

♪ It wouldn't suck ♪

♪ It wouldn't suck oh ♪

♪ So goodbye hit the road ♪

♪ As a girlfriend you are fired ♪

♪ Find some other chump that you can fleece ♪

♪ Years from now when you're old ♪

♪ And you've finally expired girl ♪

♪ I hope that you don't rest in peace ♪

♪ Never met someone so selfish ♪

♪ Half the time my balls were blue ♪

♪ After all that I've endured now ♪

♪ You can safely rest assured now ♪

♪ That your ex is up and cured now ♪

♪ Yeah I'm so done being in love ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ We're through yeah yeah ♪

♪ Oh we're so done Allison Honeybun ♪

♪ It's like over ♪

♪ It was on now it's gone ♪

♪ And I've regained my composure ♪

♪ You're a mess so God bless ♪

♪ And that's what you call closure ♪

♪ So done being in love with you ♪

You're doing great.

- How did that feel?

- So good, great like I feel alive again,

like rejuvenated and energized,

like a giant soul sucking bitch weight

has been lifted off my chest, you know?

Whoa! - See, I told you so.

- I've never been so proud of you in my whole entire life.

It's like the pupil has become the teacher.

- Hi. - How are we doing over here?

- Oh, we're good, thank you.

- Are you guys finished?

- Yeah, I think we're.

- Well, can I get you guys anything else this evening?

Dessert, coffee, another food-related production number?

- No, no. - No, no.

- Thank you.

- Your loss, here you go.

♪ The check, the check ♪

♪ Who's going to pay the check ♪

♪ It's a mystery where everything's at stake ♪

♪ A guy, a girl, a black faux leather folder ♪

♪ A series of mistakes that you could make ♪

♪ Should a woman leave and freshen up ♪

♪ While he whips out his credit card ♪

♪ Should they go dutch or not so much lest egos ♪

♪ End up scraped and scarred ♪

♪ The rules are always changing ♪

♪ Why's it gotta be so friggin' hard ♪

♪ So hard ♪

♪ I'd rather someone wring my neck ♪

♪ Than wonder who the hell is supposed to pay the check ♪

- Why don't I get this?

- No, no, please let me.

- Should we split it?

- No, because I think this may be the one thing

that I have over all of your exes.

So please, please just let me have this.

- Thank you, Aaron.

- You're welcome.

You know what?

I may be setting myself up here for some hardcore rejection

but I am feeling rather empowered right now.

So fuck it.

I don't wanna go out with your friends, Casey.

I wanna go out with you.

Now listen, we have a great rapport.

I mean, we both love Quantum Leap, right?

And in a brief time, you've helped me help with my ex drama.

Now I know this may sound crazy

but I actually think that your particular brand of edgy

and a creative might actually be good for me.

And I think that my particular brand of structure

and stability might actually be good for you.

And I know, oh wow, I know that I am not usually the guy

that you would go out with

but you know that hasn't worked out so much in the past.

So maybe it's time to try something different.

So, Casey, what do you say?

All right, buddy, good try.

But I think you got your answer.

Let's wrap this thing up.

- Okay, tell you what?

Here, you have my number.

If you wanna hang out again, you let me know.

If not, thank you for a very memorable evening.

- Did you just let him walk out of here?

Because I'm pretty sure you just let him walk out of here.

Why did you let him walk out of here?

- Everything all right?

- No, not at all.

- Oh my God.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, I'm looking for my friend.

Attractive dress, kind of funky, wordly inconsiderate.

She told me she was meeting

some random guy here for a drink.

- Oh, but you just missed them.

- Okay, a quick question.

Did she look like she was having the time of her life

or did she was fighting for her life

and just so you know if you're wrong,

her blood is on both of her hands!

- All right, look, I don't know exactly what's going on here

but why don't you take a seat and try to calm down?

- That's a good idea,

I guess I get a little worked up sometimes.

People tell me I have a very vivid

and overactive imagination.

- Oh, don't we all?

- You do too?

- Who, me?

Oh, well, well sure.

I'm always dreaming something up.

Some new recipe or a useless invention.

I even write some songs

and a little love poetry on the side.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

- Hey, can I hear some?

♪ He's a bit dramatic ♪

♪ He's way too sweet ♪

♪ Or maybe he's the one who'd make my life complete ♪

I'm Reggie

- I'm available.

- Hi, remember me?

I'm the girl a few minutes ago

who just let you walk out the restaurant

without saying goodbye.

- Yeah, that sounds vaguely familiar.

- Oh, here I am.

- Here you're, you're lost?

Is that what this is of you?

Wait, did I leave something in the restaurant

other than my dignity?

- I thought that you might walk me home

if you want, no pressure.

- Sure, I'd love to.

Just wait, I just got to do a little limber here.

You can never be too safe,

you wanna get in on this?

- No, I'm good.

- You should do the hips as well, you did?

You're ready?

- No, no, yes.

- After you. - All right.

- Wait, you don't live in Hoboken?

- No, just around the corner.

- Oh, well, that is great.

That is...

That is great.

♪ I am standing at the start of something that is new ♪

♪ I can't keep building walls despite what I've been through ♪

♪ If I may have found the someone ♪

♪ The one I should be looking for ♪

♪ I'd be a jerk to run away ♪

♪ So I'll hold my breath and stay ♪

♪ There's a person by my side ♪

♪ She's not who I had planned ♪

♪ Yet I feel the sudden urge ♪

♪ To reach out and take her hand ♪

♪ And I yearn for letting go of all the baggage in my past ♪

♪ If i don't try I'll never know ♪

♪ Just how far this thing might go ♪

♪ We could make it to tomorrow ♪

♪ Or just end it all right here ♪

♪ We could fall flat on our faces ♪

♪ Or fall more in love each year ♪

♪ With so little to be sure of ♪

♪ Possibilities are vast ♪

♪ This may be one perfect moment ♪

♪ Or maybe this is something that will last ♪

Quit stalling and tap that shit already.

Okay, you're gonna give him one quick kiss on the cheek

but that's it, V-town is close to the public tonight.

Got it?

Do you who hates you?

The entire male species.

It's a definite possibility.

Blah, blah, blah more therapy.

- Well, this is my place.

- Oh, big building, excellent structural engineering,

bricks and the columns.

- Thank you, I designed it my self.

- All right...

Goodnight.

- Goodnight Aaron.

♪ If we'd only take the chance ♪

♪ If I say goodbye forever ♪

♪ Would I miss some true romance ♪

♪ All the burdens that we carry ♪

♪ Need to let them go and fast ♪

♪ So there's not one perfect moment ♪

♪ But rather there's something that will last ♪

♪ I am through with holding on ♪

♪ I won't let mistakes and memories get the best of me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Though my doubts are far from gone ♪

♪ I will leap into the future and just wait and see ♪

♪ If we make it to tomorrow if we stand the test of time ♪

♪ Or the wind's too strong against us ♪

♪ And we can't quite make the climb ♪

♪ All I know is in this moment ♪

♪ My past is just my past ♪

♪ Right now I can't help but wonder ♪

♪ If this could be the something that will last ♪

♪ Could this be the something ♪

♪ Could this be the something that will last ♪