Original subtitles

You're too beautiful to wake.

I heard that.

You were speaking in Russian.

What were you dreaming?

About you.

It would have been in Spanish.

I dreamt I went back home as an American.

I was with my family,

and they were all asking about United States.

We were all very happy.

I made you some coffee.

Oh, it's so hot for coffee, Carlos.

And I also made you breakfast in bed.

Gracias, mi amor.

But I know something that it's not too hot for, ever.

Do you know? Hmm?

You know what I'm talking about?

Dejame sola!

Que carajo! Elena.

You came to me

From far away across the sea

I must concede I now believe in destiny

The facts agree

That We were simply meant to be

If sounds nutty, but I believe in destiny

What time is it?

Uh, it's almost 9:00.

How long were you at it?

Last time I looked, it was almost 5:00.

I know. I'm obsessing a little.

A little?

Okay, a lot.

But everything is riding on this mock trial.

If I flunk, the only thing I have to show

for the last five years of my life

is a student Ioan that rivals the debt load

of a Third World country.

Stop worrying about it. You'll pass.

I have to pee.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Okay.

You were supposed to wake me up early.

I did.

9:15.

That's early.

You were supposed to get me out of bed,

not get in bed with me.

Hey, I can't help it if I find you irresistible.

Weren't you supposed to meet this guy

about managing his restaurant this morning?

- Olvidete. - Que vas a ir?

Buena. Yo tengo razon.

I'm listening.

Actually, I'm not. I'm late.

I'm gonna go get a real job, one that pays the rent on this boat.

I have a job.

Yeah, one that pays minimum wage, no benefits.

Elena, I'm not management material, okay?

I don't even own a tie. I'm an artist, a chef.

That kind of job would choke the life out of me.

What if you get sick or hurt?

I won't.

You work in the kitchen with fire, knives.

You'll take care of me.

You're impossible.

You're beautiful.

What do you think?

Good for an American company?

I would hire you just to stare at you all day long.

Wish me good luck.

Good luck.

Nice ass.

I need coffee, Xanax, something.

Stress is driving me crazy.

Easy for you to stay, Mr. Full Ride Scholarship.

I got lucky. it's not my fault that I was the only person

who applied for that fellowship.

And have parents that pay your share of the rent.

It's a loan.

I'm gonna pay 'em back when I get my PhD.

You know that.

What year might that be?

I resent that.

I'm sorry, honey.

How long have you been working on this thesis now?

This dissertation?

Yeah, it's not about getting it done by a deadline,

but getting it done well,

presenting the English sonnet in relation to its form and history.

Must be hard to work up heat for 14th-century novels.

You know what? I agree with you.

Um, around here, it's been hard to work up anything, period.

Ouch.

Well, what was the last time we made love?

It will get better when I get through this semester.

I feel like I heard that last semester.

I'll make it up to you. I promise.

Yeah?

By the way, we need clean towels.

No, no. You're laundry this week.

Until the 15th, I'm groceries, garbage, dry cleaning,

and you are laundry, cleaning and bills.

I have to be honest with you.

We're looking for someone with more real-world experience.

I've got a very long list of people outside that door

who are overly qualified to fill this position.

I'm a very fast learner, willing to try or do anything.

I'd like to believe that's true.

I'm sorry.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. it's okay.

Yes, sir?

Uh, please stop!

Come on. Why don't you show me how grateful you can be?

Are your tits real?

What? This is none of your business.

I'm sure none of you foreign brides wear underwear.

Get your hands off me! I'm warning you.

Shit.

Disgraceful.

What's going on here?

I can explain.

You're fired.

The death of Mrs. Conner was no accident.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

Mr. Conner wanted, simply and plainly,

to punish his philandering wife.

He chose murdering her as her ultimate punishment.

Hi, Betty.

It's me. You're probably in class.

Not important. Just call me when you can, okay?

I'm sorry I called. Betty didn't pick up.

It's okay. I don't mind. Um, so did you tell Carlos?

God, no. He'll kill the creep.

I feel like such an idiot.

I was so prepared. I researched the company.

I was so confident, and then there was a moment

when I realised if this is what it takes

for me to stay in this country, then I'll do it.

The guy should be arrested.

Are you sure you don't want to call the cops?

I'm a Russian immigrant with three weeks left on my visa.

What are they gonna do?

Maybe I should kick the crap out of him.

Yeah, I like that.

I've been to 14 interviews since I graduated.

No one wants to sponsor foreigners anymore.

Who cares if your visa's not good? Just stay.

Millions of people do it every year.

No. I won't stay if I'm not wanted.

Yeah, give me Immigration.

Howard!

Get here a little faster, buddy.

Come on. Grab that one, too.

I've never been so humiliated in my life,

not even in Moscow,

where you expect men to act like pigs.

Well, Elena, you have legal options.

You don't have to let him get away with this.

He's only a symptom.

I just don't have status. That's the problem.

You're smart and ambitious.

You will find a sponsor.

In three weeks? I know people who've been

looking for anything that pays for months.

Way to be supportive, darlin'.

I'm just being honest with her.

I made this specially for you.

Seared monkfish in a wild mushroom broth. Enjoy it.

Smells so good.

Mmm. This is better than sex.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have any.

Enjoy.

This is great, man, five star.

Thanks, man.

You are a true artist, Carlos.

It is what I was born to do, to give pleasure.

Enjoy it, okay? Thank you.

I'll see you guys at closing.

You didn't tell him, did you?

No, only that I didn't get the job.

You know Carlos.

He'll do something stupid and get himself deported.

I never realized how careful immigrants have to be all the time.

All I ever wanted was to come to America

and have a better life.

We'll figure this out.

You are our best friends,

and you're not going anywhere.

Oh, my God. Congratulations!

What's going on?

They just got engaged.

- Oh, how sweet. - Hi.

Don't forget my tip. I mean it.

I know how cheap you are.

I'm worried about them.

They haven't been getting along for a while.

Yeah, but it's getting worse now.

I'm lucky I found you.

If I go back to Russia, would you come with me?

Freeze! Nobody move!

- Wh-What? - On the ground! Let's go! Get on the ground!

- Elena Dubrovnik. - Yes.

You're under arrest, sweetheart. You're coming with me.

- We haven't done anything! - Let her go!

We received information that your immigration status has expired.

That's a lie. Who gave you this information?

- That's privileged. - Hey, get your hands off her, man!

Did he also tell you he tried to molest me?

Molest you? Who tried to molest you?

Shut the fuck up!

What'd they pop you for, honey?

They think I'm illegal.

An accent like that, you don't exactly sound American.

I'm Russian.

Oh, you one of those mail-order brides?

No. I'm a student.

Ah, well, let me guess. Cosmetology, huh?

International finance.

Well, good luck with that, sister.

Hey, let me know when they're hiring so I don't have to work on my back.

You know, your visa expires in 20 days,

so if I were you, I'd make some travel arrangements.

Otherwise, you're gonna be coming back here for an extended stay.

Where is Carlos?

In the car. This place makes him a little jumpy.

The agent said they�d received reliable information

that my status had expired.

That is bullshit!

Can't we sue the police, hire a lawyer or something?

No podemos pagar, mi amor.

What�d she say?

No money for lawyers.

Well, maybe I could do it.

I'm almost a lawyer.

Oh, boy.

There are basically two ways

to immigrate into the U.S.,

through an employer or a family member.

We don't have either one.

I know.

So your only hope is winning the visa lottery.

What is that?

It's a lottery for green cards.

And what are her chances?

About the same as winning the Powerball.

Well...

The only way you could legally stay in the U.S.

Is for you to find a U.S. citizen to marry.

The same for you, Carlos.

Well, it's not a bad idea.

It's a pretty good idea.

What?

Come on. That wouldn't be so hard

to find somebody to marry you.

We could pay somebody, yeah? I mean...

They don't have any money, and neither do we.

We could chip in.

We don't need any money. They would marry her for free.

And I would marry a rich white guy too.

Are you crazy?

Yes.

That's illegal. You have to marry a woman.

Fine. I'll marry a rich white girl.

Does it matter? I'm handsome.

What's so funny? I'm serious.

No, that might actually work.

I mean, if you're game, I'm game.

I mean, why not? I'm game.

Hang on. Wait. Wait. This is way over my head.

Let's find a real lawyer.

You want to what?

Betty, you said you wanted to help 'em out.

Yeah, help, donate time to the cause,

give free legal advice, but not you.

This is something I want to do, and I know it's gonna be tough,

but, look, maybe this is something we need.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

We do not need this.

Our lives are perfectly fine just the way they are.

This is Elena, and, you know, in this case,

it really is just a piece of paper.

They're our best friends.

I know.

Well, then, let's do it.

What's the worst that could happen?

So how long do we have to stay married?

Two years. it's a long time, and it's serious.

I have to state again that Congress has devoted an entire act

to the penalties for engaging in marriage fraud.

I could be disbarred before I even finish law school.

She's right. This isn't something to rush into.

Look, you're the one who's running out of time.

Marriage is supposed to be a sacred commitment.

We'll still be couples.

It's just she'll be married to Carlos. I'll be married to you.

Nothing will change.

Hey, wait a second. I still have six months left on my visa.

Okay, then I'll go first.

Elena, do you want to get married...to me?

I don't know.

I guess it's the only way.

You guys are our best friends,

and to give us this opportunity to remain here together,

I don't know what to say.

Then say yes.

By the power vested in me by the state of Alabama,

I now pronounce you man and wife

or Woman and husband, whatever be your fancy.

You may now kiss the bride.

Any time today, son.

What the hell was that?

Put your arms around her. Give her some tongue, son.

W-We're just a little shy.

- Did it flash, Betty? - No.

You need to kiss again.

It didn't flash. Sorry, Miike.

Kiss her like you mean it, like a man.

Right on!

Hubba-hubba!

They're excited.

Hold on. Let me get on the other side.

- Hold that. Good. - Okay.

1,2,3.

Perfect. One with the ring. One with the ring.

- One more. - Okay.

Congratulations!

- We're next, baby. - Oh, God.

She's still my girlfriend.

Take it easy. You just got married, huh?

Finally.

Te veo, Orita.

What's wrong?

This whole thing is kind of weird.

I swore before God that I would honor and cherish Mike.

The minister said for him to give you some tongue, Elena.

I don't think God was really listening, huh?

Let me have this.

Now...

think your husband knows about this?

I've been married for less than nine hours.

I'm already having an affair.

No. I can't.

I'm sorry.

It's just been a really weird day.

I bet my wife and her boyfriend are having the same problem.

All right, leave it to me. Your choice.

Yes.

What? Yeah.

What's gotten into you?

I don't know. Maybe it's the thrill of cheating on my wife.

Oh, well, I hardly consider this cheating.

You know, we are still living together.

Well, maybe when you marry Carlos, you'll understand the rush.

Who the hell are you?

Officer Ravencourt with ICE.

- ICE? - Immigration.

Doesn't mean you can barge in here!

Bush isn't president anymore.

The door was open.

Did we do anything wrong?

We'll find out, won't we?

Are you Michael White?

Michael White?

I thought you said your name was Jimmy Sheldon.

I can explain.

Hold on there, hot pants.

Are you Miss Elena Dub...

Certainly am not.

Do you think I actually look like her?

I hope, for your sake, that was a rhetorical question.

- Who is she? - His wife.

His wife?

Of all the nerve. You know, I hope you do arrest him for lying

for trying to get into my pants!

Well, from the looks of it, he did a pretty good job.

I didn't know he was married.

How could you?

Ma'am, it's not what you think.

It never is, Mr. White.

Now I am here to conduct a preliminary investigation

into the status of your marriage to the woman in this photo.

I'm sure you're aware that marriage fraud

is not just a misdemeanor.

It's a federal offense punishable by jail time.

Now who lives here?

Uh, well, I used to,

but now I live with Ms. Dubrovnik.

And the address?

On a boat.

A boat, you say?

Yeah.

A thing that floats.

How romantic.

And this woman?

Oh, just someone who picked me up on Ocean Drive.

Picked you up?

I see.

Hi. it's Mike and Betty.

We can't get to the phone right now.

But leave a message, and We'll get back to you.

Bye.

Mike, honey, this is your mother,

and I am holding a letter from Immigration

and it says that you have married some Russian person.

Call us, please.

This better be some terrible mistake.

It's my mom.

She found out two weeks ago, but...

early dementia.

Your Ben & Jerry's is melting.

What? Oh.

Have a good clay, Mr. White.

I'm sure the two of you have a lot to talk about.

I'm going to jail.

I'm not gonna make it. I know I won't.

I'm weak when it comes to enclosed spaces.

We're talking serious time here.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Why didn't you stop me?

Maybe We'll just go to another country.

Maybe I can go to Colombia with Carlos.

At least I'll know somebody who can speak the language.

I'll order food from restaurants. I'll get directions.

Mike, calm down.

What do you mean, calm down? What do you--

Look at what we got ourselves into.

We'?

This was your idea!

What about me?

I don't want to go to jail either.

You aren't the one married to Elena, Betty. You're in the clear.

Until I marry Carlos.

Then I'm in just as much trouble as you are.

Just think of it this way.

We tried to do something good for once,

and we thought of other people before ourselves.

You did a noble and a courageous thing for our friends.

I won't bathe. Granted, there will be an odor,

but it's a small price to pay for not becoming a sex toy.

Mike, you just have to push forward with this thing.

Play it out all the way.

Yeah, all the way to jail.

I just want to pretend none of this ever happened. I want a divorce.

You and Elena are married.

It's a legally binding document.

You can't abandon her.

That's it. We'll swap. Simple.

Swap?

- Swap what? - Each other.

Um, I'll move in with Elena,

and Carlos will move in with you.

Oh, God, no.

I am not gonna live with Carlos.

You wanted to go all the way. Baby, this is all the way.

I don't know what else to do. I told the woman I was living on a boat.

I don't know. Carlos in my apartment?

Our apartment.

Using my bathroom, going through my personal things.

He's not neat.

There's got to be another way.

Prison.

That's the better way.

El barco mio? That's crazy, man.

- I forbid it. It will never work. - It has to.

The agent has to come and see

that we're a happy, loving, married couple

living together under one roof,

or in this case, your goddamn boat.

She saw us doing it.

She was in your bedroom?

No, we were in the living room.

Nice work, amigo.Where?

On the floor? Against a wall?

On the couch.

That's totally off topic. Focus.

Okay, okay.

Let's say we do this. Where do I live?

With me.

Really? l can live with that.

Another honeymoon

And not a moment too soon

Just what we needed

Another honeymoon

Tears on my pillow...

No problem. It was just my CD and my stereo.

It's no problem.

Don't worry about it.

I hate these shorts.

Don't let him wear them.

I'm just gonna throw 'em out.

- Okay... - I'll get this.

I guess this is all of it.

Well...

Well, this is awkward.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a little strange.

Uh, I guess me and the missis will go back to the casa.

I'll call you later, sweetie.

- Te veo, Orita. - Bye.

Bye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, you know.

I don't know. You know vvhat l mean.

Just keep your paws off the merchandise.

Right back at you, bro.

Hey, hey, Mike, I can say the same thing to you.

You don't have to.

So, shall I bring my stuff into your bedroom, Betty Boo?

- Carlos. - Yeah?

- Stop. - What?

It's a beautiful night.

I'm gonna go sleep up on deck.

Sleep on top of the sheets with me.

I don't think that's a good idea.

What if the agent comes back?

You're right.

Mike, thank you for being my fake husband.

I just put some clean towels out for you.

Gracias.

Are you gonna be okay out here?

I think I'd be a little more comfortable in your bed.

Good night, Carlos.

What kind of Latin lover am I?

The couch.

Shit.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah. It must have been the water.

The gentle rocking, it's nice, huh?

Yeah, it's like a-- it's like a big water bed.

I'm coming up.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

I didn't see anything.

I don't mind if you look. Hand me that towel.

Does that make you feel uncomfortable?

No. Yes.

I don't know.

You can look now.

I'll never understand you Europeans and your utter freedom with your body.

Everyone has one, no?

Do you always swim naked in the morning?

The fish don't seem to mind. Do you?

I don't mind if they don't mind.

- Get out! - Jesus.

God, at least knock.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Help.

Help!

Elena, help!

What?

I can't-- The water's off.

I can't see anything. I got soap in my eyes.

Oh, hold on.

Here.

Thank you.

Fuck! it's fucking freezing.

Did you see anything?

Um, maybe, a little.

It's--it's cold.

Mike. Elena.

- Hello? - Hey.

Where's Elena?

She's at a job interview. Did you forget something?

No, man. I just came by to see how you're doing.

We're good. You?

Yeah, man, I'm cool.

Man, you got a nice crib.

Thanks. Thank you. How's Betty?

- it's cool. - Yeah, Elena's good too.

Oh, good.

Man, We got a couple of cool girlfriends, huh?

I mean, not a lot of girls would go for this living situation.

So how'd you sleep, buddy?

Good. Good. You?

Oh, l miss Elena and sleeping in my bed and all that.

Me too.

Sleeping with Elena?

No, Betty. What did you think?

It's just...

No, really, where did you sleep?

I was gonna sleep up there, but she wouldn't let me.

Oh, that's nice of her.

So then where?

I slept down here on top of the...

on top of the floor.

You mean on the floor?

On the floor, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I got to go to work.

Can you tell Elena I came by to say hello?

Okay. Tell Betty hi too, please.

Cool.

Did she go swimming this morning?

- Who? - Elena.

Sorry. I don't know. I was--I was sleeping, so...

Tell her not to, okay?

Are you afraid she might drown?

Just tell her not to.

Carlos says no swimming.

- Thank you. - Okay. Nada.

- Give me a hug. - Okay.

Oh, my God!

What?

Shit!

Hi, baby. Miss me?

You've got a problem.

We promised my parents we'd be there for Thanksgiving,

so we'll never hear the end of it if we bail on them.

Just take Elena with you.

As my wife?

She is your wife for the next 23 months.

All right, if I'm going, you're going with me.

Okay, fine. I'll go.

Don't have to be such a baby about it.

As Carlos' fiancee.

I like that idea.

Guys, this sounds very complicated.

My mom's gonna be so pissed.

She loves Betty.

He's so uptight. How do you live with this guy?

Mama's boy.

I told you we should've taken the highway and not surface streets.

Everybody and their mother's leaving town.

Stop being so uptight, Mike.

I'm just saying.

We heard you the first time, Mike.

Now, remember, we can't blow this.

We convince them, we can convince the INS agent from hell.

I know. We've only been over it a hundred times.

Jill, they're here!

Mom, happy Thanksgiving!

Welcome home, sweetie!

This must be the lucky bride.

Oh, happy Thanksgiving.

Hello, Mr. White.

Whoa, I got that, Dad.

Well, I can see why you made such a rash decision, son.

You are a locker.

Hi, Harold.

Hey, Betty. No disrespect. Who's this?

- Carlos, sir. - Mexican?

A little further south, Colombia.

Where the drugs come from.

Are you muling any cocaine, pal?

I'm just pulling your leg, hombre.

Betty, so good to have you here again, dear.

Hi, Jill. How are you?

Hello, Mrs. White.

Oh, and you.

You must really be something to steal my son's heart so quickly.

You know, we didn't even have time

to put an announcement in the paper.

You didn't knock her up, did you, son?

Jesus, Dad.

I'm not pregnant, Mr. White.

Not Mr. White. Call me Harold.

Mr. White makes me sound like an old guy.

- And you. - Carlos.

Yes, you stole Betty from my son.

I just caught her on the rebound.

I'm her Latin love machine.

Where's my sibling?

She called, said she'd be here in time for dinner.

Mi amor.

I'm gonna get the bags.

I'll help you.

You kids today.

You're just so open with your relationships.

Jill.

- I got it. - No, I got it.

- it's okay. I'm good. - I got it, man.

- It's okay. I got it. -I know you got it, but I got it.

- I'm gonna take it. She's my wife. - I'll take it. I'll take it.

I'll take it.

I can handle my own bags,

but thanks for not even offering.

Mexican drug dealer?

Here it is. Come on in.

What do you think, huh? Down there?

Thank you for carrying my bag.

- Of course. - So sweet.

The house looks the same.

This is very white.

White house.

Yes, it is. Very white.

Why did you dump Betty?

She must be heartbroken.

Does she look heartbroken?

I'm just saying, honey, it was all so sudden,

and Betty's such a nice young lady,

and Carlos is so, so--

- Latin? - Yes, exactly.

Look, Mom, just because Betty's nice

doesn't mean that I should spend the rest of my life with her.

But a Russian?

I mean, they used to be our enemy.

Mom, Elena's smart, and she speaks her mind,

and she doesn't schedule every waking moment.

What's wrong with scheduling?

I mean, if I didn't, our lives would be absolute chaos.

Okay, Mom.

It's just all so odd.

All right, everyone, why don't we all settle in?

Betty, you and Mike,

you take Mike's old room just like always.

- Wait. Mom. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, I'm just so used to Betty being here.

So, Betty, you'll be in Sarah's room,

and, Carlos, you'll be in the guesthouse,

- and Mike and Elena-- - are married.

Right.

You have any Pepto-Bismol?

Yes.

I'm surprised by how casual you are.

I mean, four years together.

I couldn't be so cool about it.

Well, we just decided that there is no reason why we can't stay friends.

Oh, I suppose that Latin love machine

takes some of the sting out of it.

Betty, you can be honest with me.

Is she using him?

For what?

To stay in this country.

I'm guessing she isn't a citizen.

They just fell in love, Jill, really.

Well, what do you know about her?

Did she just appear out of thin air?

He has never mentioned her, not once,

and l only learned about it because l got a letter.

Actually, she's my, um... She's my best friend.

She's your best friend,

and you're fine that she's with your old boyfriend?

Yeah, well--

I know that it seems awkward, but they're just really happy together,

and I know that Mike wants you to be happy for them as well.

Well, I'll try.

Oh, it's just so good to have you here, dear.

Just all very strange.

This is going pretty well, huh?

- What? - I just feel bad for Betty.

Why?

Well, your parents obviously love her.

She should be the one sleeping here, not me.

I feel like a fake in front of your parents.

Look, it's--it's just gonna be one night.

- Whoa. - Dad.

I am so sorry, kids. I forgot.

You have to knock with newlyweds in the house.

Dad, it's okay. We were just...

-Talking. -Talking.

Yeah, I can see it on your face.

You can't fool me, sweetheart.

Yeah, you've got that look.

Talking?

You're a lucky guy, son.

Well, come on. Pull yourself away

from this beautiful Russian bride of yours.

We'll hit some balls before dinner.

Hey, where's Carlos? Does he play?

What does he mean, hit balls?

Betty, this is crazy.

Mike's mother doesn't believe in us, and his father is just a little nuts!

I-le grows on you, kind of like Mike.

I don't want anyone to grow on me.

Elena, the INS is already suspicious.

They've contacted his parents.

This is our insurance.

I know. it's a mess.

We just have to get through it the best way we can.

We'll be right back, hon.

Dinner will be ready at 5:00.

Yeah, I know. I know.

We're just gonna play the front nine, okay?

Well, does Carlos play golf?

Well, I didn't think I did.

Do you drink cerveza?

I do that very well, sir.

Do you smoke cigars?

Of course. I'm Colombian.

- Then you can play golf, son. - Nice.

Hey, you're early. Look at you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Your mother will explain. Let's go, men.

Hey. Yeah. Hi.

You're early.

Ah, look who's here.

Hi, sweetie.

Here. Give me that.

Okay. So where's the wife?

All right, hombre. Left arm straight, straight.

Okay, so hand like this, finger here,

like you're holding a gun.

Oh, that's easy. Yeah.

And up and back.

Jesus Christ.

- Make it two boxes. - All right.

Okay, I'm ready.

Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter!

Batter!

Sorry, sir.

Oh, not bad, son. Not bad at all.

Okay, Carlos, head down, eye on the ball.

Hey, I didn't mean to barge in on the hot and heavy with Elena, Mike.

You know, I never really mentioned it before,

but I don't really care for Betty.

No offense, Carlos. Eye on the ball.

- She's just kind of stuck-up for my taste. - She's not stuck-up.

She's a little stuck-up, Mike.

Oh, but this Russian chick,

she is hot as hell.

I walked in on 'em.

Another couple of minutes, it would've been high heels to the sky.

I never touched her. Nothing happened, man,

only in his perverted mind.

No need to defend yourself, pal.

You're married.

Don't listen to him.

If you touch her, Mike, I will kill you.

It's our way.

Whoa! You're a natural, amigo.

Hey, I don't know how you play the game where you come from,

but here in this country,

we pick up the club, we walk to the ball.

We do not throw the club.

All right, everybody, dessert plates to the sink.

I'll do it, Mom.

Oh, good man. This will give you practice

for your food service career when you finally get your degree.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, l don't know.

What was your, uh-- your college major?

- I'm getting a PhD. - A PhD.

I'm studying English literature, specifically the sonnet.

- The sonnet. - Yes.

What are you gonna do with these sonnets?

You gonna stand on a corner and sell them?

What Mike is studying is the sonnets as a literature genre.

It goes back to the 14th century,

Italian poet Petrarch, and not until the 16th century--

Sweetheart, that is all very fascinating,

but it seems to me

if you're gonna put all that time and all that money into a degree,

you ought to get something that's gonna put food on the table.

Enough, Harold.

We have been through this a thousand times.

Yeah, I know. I'm just yanking his chain.

The study of poetry is a very valuable task, Mr. White.

Part of the original text of the Bible was written as poetry,

so it has many purposes besides bringing beauty to the world.

I assure you, We'll be just fine.

You do what you love.

You also have to work hard at what you love.

I just don't understand, Betty.

You and Mike, you were made for each other.

Obviously, we weren't, Mom.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be married to Elena.

What are you gonna serve your children on Thanksgiving, Elena?

Borscht? Vodka?

Jesus, Mom!

If it's not one of you, it's the other.

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Russia, Mrs. White.

Well, of course not.

What do you have to be thankful for?

Chernobyl? Losing the space race?

I mean, you sent a monkey.

What do you and my son have in common?

We are very much in love.

She hates me.

No, she hates me for blowing it with her son.

Okay, let's calm down.

She's your mother, and you hurt her.

Poor Elena has to put up with this for two years.

We'll make it through this.

If we can make it through this horrible night,

we can make it through anything.

Oh, did I interrupt something?

No. Actually, Carlos and l were going to bed.

Good night.

Keep it down tonight, son.

Oh, and try not to break the bedsprings, you lucky dog.

Good night, Dad.

I thought you were sleeping with Sarah.

No. Your mother insisted as a couple we stay together.

We are engaged.

That's right.

Putting it in the back. Oh, hold on.

Ah, almost.

Oh, I got my hand on there.

I--I--I got...

Oh, it's so tight.

Oh, God. Ahh.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to watch the football game once I get this cable connected.

It's after midnight. Football isn't on.

I'm talking about real fbotball, okay?

Colombia versus Argentina.

What's the matter? You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just-- I--I needed to get some air.

Remind me never to do this again.

You mean to tell me we're not coming for Christmas?

Hey, listen. I'm really worried about Elena, man.

Seriously, I mean, this is really hard on her.

I mean, we have your mother against us,

the United States government.

It's very difficult,

and I'm sure it's hard on you too.

- I'm okay. - Right.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about something, man.

I just wanted to say thank you,

and words can't express how I feel about you

and what you've done.

No problem.

What'd you think I was gonna say?

I thought, eh--

I thought you thought that Elena and I were going at it.

I know what your dad said and everything,

but I know for sure, for sure

that Elena doesn't find you the least bit attractive.

I mean, you're a good-looking guy and everything, but...

In the dark.

You read my dissertation.

Are you mad?

No.

Just the opposite.

The sonnets are very beautiful, Mike.

Even if your parents don't understand,

you shouldn�t be ashamed of what you love.

What a nightmare.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Thank you.

Keep it up, son.

- Bye. - Bye.

Something very strange is going on here.

It's called love, Mother. It happens.

If he's so in love with her,

then why isn't he riding in the back seat with his wife?

Ah, who gives a shit?

Let it go, Mom. Just be happy he's happy.

Have you worked on a boat before?

I've never taken a shower without water before either.

"The day, the month, the year,

"oh, bless them all.

"The season and the time,

"the hour and the moment,

"the gorgeous countryside,

"the very spot where two eyes

"struck me first and bound me fast.

"And bless the first sweet palpitation

"that swept over me as I grew one with love.

"And bless the bow that shot arrows that pierced

"and wounds so deep they went down to my heart.

"And bless the flock of words I've scattered round

"as I pronounced my lady's name again...

"the sighs and all the tears and the desire.

"And bless the pages too,

"pages where I have gained some fame for her

"with all my thoughts which are of her alone,

excluding others."

Okay, give me the present.

That's for you, Betty.

The blue one there's for me. Can you please give me that?

Si, senor. I've already checked it out.

This is for Carlos.

- I guess Mike is going first to open. - Yes.

You spent so much time laying around the apartment,

that I thought you'd be more comfortable in a robe.

It's nice.

Thank you, honey. This is really thoughtful.

Matches your eyes.

Uh, you're next.

For once, Carlos goes first.

It's a tie. it's a--

Just what you always wanted.

No, it's-- No, l really like it.

I just got to buy a suit now.

I thought it's time to embrace change.

Gracias, mi amor.

You're next.

It's a gift certificate, but I thought--

I thought that you--

You're always so disappointed with the stuff that you get.

This time, you can buy yourself something,

and that way, you wouldn't be disappointed

like you normally are.

I don't know what-- I don't know what to say.

Elena, this is for you.

Wow, Carlos.

These are beautiful. Betty, look.

Those are amazing.

Wow, look.

Actually, l have something too. Could you...

Sorry. I thought my wife would want something from her husband, so...

- This is for me? - Yes.

The first charm is for good fortune in America.

The second charm is for finding a job you adore,

and the third charm, the heart, is for luck in love.

Mike, this is so thoughtful.

You're welcome. I just--I...

it's very nice.

Why the hell does she need love, man?

She has me.

Um, anyway, uh... wine all around, yes?

Okay, so you were born in Moscow.

Your birthday is September 26.

You don't like to drink ice water because it makes your teeth cold.

You count from 1 to 120 when you brush your teeth.

When you're nervous, you tuck a piece of hair behind your ear

even though it isn't out of place.

I don't do that.

Yeah, you do. It's only when you're nervous. It's cute.

Your favourite colour is green.

You talk in your sleep in Russian, so I don't understand what you're saying.

How does it sound?

I don't know. Happy, I guess.

Should I go on?

They're not gonna ask all that anyway.

We have our names on the boat lease,

joint credit cards and a checking account,

the photos at our wedding and your parents' house.

All they care about is documentation.

Should I tell them how you like to swim naked at sunrise?

That's our secret.

Who are these other people?

My best friend and his fiancee.

How were the ribs?

We didn't have any.

We Wanted to get going with the honeymoon,

if you know what I'm saying.

What's Elena's favorite soda?

- Sorry? - Her favourite soda?

Come on. This should be easy.

You've been man and wife for how long?

It'll be two months Friday.

So what's the answer? This is your wife.

She--She doesn't have any.

She only drinks wine or water without ice.

Correct.

Well, you'll receive your immigration papers in four weeks.

Oh, my God!

Are you saying you don't want to have children?

No. Of course that's not what I'm saying.

I just, you know...

Because I want a family,

and it's not something you can plan. It might just happen.

You're not pregnant, are you?

- Oh, my God. - No.

- Would that be so terrible? - Yes.

No, it'd be great.

She just started her life here.

Mothers have careers all the time, millions of 'em.

Not when a baby is sucking all the life and money out of you.

Oh, my God, that's cold.

Guys, I'm not pregnant.

Oh, my God. Gracias.

Oh, I almost shit on myself, man.

Me, too.

Carlos, it would kill you to be a father, mi amor?

No. I mean, you know,

I can barely take care of myself now, you know.

Yeah, that's right.

I think I'm gonna have a baby when I'm 33.

It's not too old, and it's not too young.

I'm not sure it's something you can put on a spreadsheet

and tack to your refrigerator, darlin'.

Sure I can.

I'm sorry. Far be it from me to doubt your ability to control everything.

Wow. I thought you were already 33.

That's not very nice.

That, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

is what happened.

What'd you think of my closing argument?

It was okay.

But you say it like it was just--

you know, just fine.

That's right. That's exactly what I said.

How long do I have to wait?

On. Innocent. Let him go.

No, I'm the prosecution, Carlos.

I mean, guilty. Lock the son of a bitch up.

Look, I'm sorry. You have to be more convincing, you know.

Put more passion, more fire into it.

Make me believe you.

700 ADL rifle for 15 years.

He knows this rifle very well,

as he uses it every weekend during hunting season.

Betty, you were fantastic!

You were great, brilliant, so convincing!

Oh, you're so sweet. Thank you.

Guilty!

Now we can catch up.

- What? - You know.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

We've actually got to get going.

Elena has a meeting with an employer in the morning.

Te veo, Orita.

Gracias, mi amor.

Buena suerte.

So What's up, Betty Boo?

Want to go dancing?

Trip the light fantastic?

Oh, this was a good idea.

Hearing those. Getting attention.

I love attention.

Is Mike really working on his thesis tonight?

It's not a thesis, Betty. it's a dissertation,

and that's what he said he wanted to do.

And you believed him?

Shouldn't I?

Elena, he has been working on that thesis for years.

He doesn't want to finish it.

Why not?

Because then he'll have to get a real job

and enter the real world.

And he doesn't want a real job?

Mike doesn't really know what he wants.

This guy has been staring at you.

I thought that he was looking at you.

I wanted to ask you something.

Do you love Mike?

I think so.

You're not sure?

Yes, I do. I do. I love him.

But you don't seem happy.

Well, four years is just a long time to be with the same person.

Why have you stayed together if you're not happy?

Because it's safe.

We know each other's boundaries, not to cross them.

It's not perfect, but it works for us.

Hello there, Mrs. White.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

It's easier to pronounce.

Very American.

Have you been working all night?

Yeah. If I keep having nights like this,

I'm gonna be done in a couple of days.

Mike White, PhD.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you. I've been, uh...

I don't know. l been feeling more passionate lately.

Passion's good.

What are you doing?

Dancing got me all sweaty and hot,

so I'm gonna take a dip.

Care to join me?

No. I'm gonna stay here and work.

Mmm, that smells great, Carlos.

I'll get it. Hello.

Hey, what do you want to do tonight?

Oh, I'm not feeling very well right now.

I think I'm coming down with something.

You gonna stay home then?

That's probably for the best. I'm sorry.

That's okay. I'll just stay here then.

Happy New Year, baby.

You too.

- Was that Mike? - Yeah. Elena is sick.

She's not feeling very well.

He's going to stay home and take care of her.

Do you want to do something with me instead?

- How many do you think there are? - I don't know. How many?

Over a hundred thousand.

Happy New Year, Mr. White.

Back at you, Mrs. White.

I'm sorry. l shouldn't have done that.

You're right.

It Wasn't good.

I mean, it was good,

but it was bad to have liked it.

I have to go talk to Betty.

We haven't done anything, but just the kiss.

Not to me.

To me, it meant something else.

I wanted you.

Please don't make this a bigger deal than it is.

Betty is my best friend,

and she'll be so upset if she found out.

If we're gonna do this, we have to be honest with each other, all of us.

Don't forget Carlos.

I imagine he's not gonna be very pleased.

What's this?

Oh, shit, man. What are you doing here?

This used to be my apartment.

That used to be my girlfriend.

- This isn't what it looks like. - No.

- I can explain. - Okay, explain.

We were dancing at a club.

That's your excuse? You were dancing, so it's okay?

Let me finish.

Don't bother! I've seen enough.

Go after him!

Okay.

Mike! Hey, Mike!

Whoa.

Have you no guilt?

Of course I have guilt.

I'm Catholic.

Let me explain, okay?

Okay, explain.

It was just a thing, okay?

It will never happen again.

You have my word

as a man of honor and as your friend.

Okay, I get it. So you have this thing with my girlfriend.

What was it, just some meaningless fuck?

What would you do if you were me, Carlos?

I would--

Okay, I want you to think a little bit before you answer,

'cause I'm trying to figure out my responsibility here.

I thought we had this all worked out.

You see, my best friend is living with my girlfriend.

I'm married to his fiancee- for their sake, mind you.

And then I find out that he's sleeping with my girlfriend,

who's also his fianoee.

That's just a little fucking complicated, Carlos,

so why don't you think a bit before you tell me why you fucked her?

You don't bring up that marriage bullshit, okay?

That is meaningless, okay?

It is a paper marriage. You hear me?

Elena loves me, okay, Mike? Not you.

She was gonna sleep with me, but I didn't because of you!

Elena loves me, Mike!

Me, Carlos Sanchez, the Latin lover!

Lover's quarrel?

I'm Agent Ravencourt with ICE.

Do you know a Carlos Sanchez, Ms. Dubnik?

Dubrovnik.

What is your relationship with Mr. Sanchez?

He was my boyfriend before I married Mike White.

That's what he said.

You spoke to Carlos?

Less than an hour ago.

He said that he was in love with you

and that your marriage to Mr. White was purely a sham

to obtain legal right to remain in this country.

- Pack your bags. - If I could just...

You have two days to leave this country,

and consider yourself lucky that I don't arrest the two of you

for defrauding the government of the United States of America.

Please wait!

Please wait.

You're not gonna beg, are you?

I hate begging.

I wanted to tell you that you're right about us.

We did enter into this to cheat the system.

All Carlos ever wanted was to open a restaurant here.

I just wanted to stay.

He broke the law. You all did.

I know, but as crazy as it sounds, I fell in love with Mike.

I don't know whether you can understand this,

but pretending to be man and wife,

living together, it just happened.

Pack your bags.

If you could just please--

I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can do.

Mike, Wait.

How'd you know I'd be in the library?

If you're one thing, it's predictable.

I'm not too sure about that.

We need to talk. This whole thing is not what you think.

It's exactly what I think.

We didn't mean for this to happen.

I didn't mean to.

Carlos didn't mean to.

You know that. You know that.

I have been so alone.

Betty, it's okay, really. It is.

I should be pissed, but I'm not.

I'm...more upset that I'm not upset about it.

Where does that leave us then?

We're not in love, Betty, not the way we're supposed to be.

If we were, we'd have gotten married.

None of this would have happened.

It's not that I didn't want to get married.

Okay, stop. Stop.

Please, I get it.

Really, I do.

Why would you do such a stupid thing?

She took me by surprise, Elena.

I was jealous, okay? I was mad,

and it was dumb, and I'm sorry.

It's too late now. I have to leave.

No! We'll hire an attorney. We'll fight this out.

I'll tell them that it was out of rage and jealousy.

Carlos, we've done everything possible

and the impossible too.

There is nothing more we can do.

No, nothings impossible.

The old brass ring

The latest thing is near

I'll stand my ground

Will the whole thing disappear?

Will the well run dry and the children cry

And papa merge into the blind eye and see?

Isn't that a dream?

Isn't it a dream?

Just another heart-breaker?

Is it what it seems?

Isn't that a dream?

Why are you letting her go?

What are you talking about?

Elena. She's being deported, man. You need to stop it.

When did that happen?

- Today. The ICE agent caught us. - How?

I fucked up, man. I'm sorry. I can't undo it.

I ruined it for Elena, and I ruined it for me, man!

Wait. Was that why you were there today?

You were there?

Well, why didn't you walk in?

I thought-- I don't know what I thought.

Actually, I do, but don't worry about it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without Elena.

I mean, I can't live without her.

Should have thought about that before you humped Betty.

- I explained that already. - Look, you blew it.

I'm sad to see her go, but there's nothing more I can do.

I'm done with it. I'm done with both of you.

You can't let her go, man. She trusts you.

I trust you. What kind of friend is that?

You tell me! You fucked my girlfriend.

I already explained to you.

- That meant nothing to me. - That's what pisses me oft!

If it meant nothing, why'd you do it?

I don't know.

I'm Latin. it's in my blood.

Did you fuck Elena today too?

What?

I saw your hands all over her.

I was comforting her, man!

- Did you fuck my wife? - Gentlemen, take it outside.

My girlfriend isn't enough for you?

You want Elena too?

Let's just go outside, amigo.

We'll talk about it.

I'm very sorry, man.

Look, Mike, I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

I wish I could unfuok her.

I wish I could take back what I said to the Immigration woman.

But when you're talking about Elena, man,

I don't know what you're saying.

Look, I didn't tell Elena about Betty.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

But things can't go back the way they were.

Well, it doesn't matter now.

She's leaving anyway, right?

What, you didn't tell her?

What, are you crazy, man? She'll have me by the balls.

Coward!

Knock, knock.

Come in.

You haven�t been returning my phone calls.

I know. I didn't know what to say.

About what?

This is fucking perfect, man.

Just chill out, man. I've been here before.

I haven't.

There's always a first time for everything,

like golf.

Just relax, okay?

We�re gonna get out of here.

We just won't press charges on each other.

It's that simple.

I mean, it's your fault that we're in here anyway.

Why the fuck did you hit me?

You should have told Elena.

It was not my place to do that.

You want to sleep with both of 'em.

She's my girlfriend, okay?

She's also my wife.

Ese...

Tiene tremendo culo.

What�d he say?

He said you had a cute ass.

Gracias.

Muy bueno.

Real nice.

Gracias.

De nada.

I see you got a new girlfriend.

I hate you.

Right back at you.

Told you we'd get out.

You just gotta learn how to chill out once in a while, you know?

Make a hole!

Hey, thank you for a wonderful night.

My friend here met a lot of nice friends.

Hey, Mike, come on.

Have a sense of humour, man.

You're so uptight.

I have to go back.

I know. I ran into Carlos.

How soon do you have to go?

My plane is at 4 P.M. tomorrow.

Jesus. Don't mess around, do they?

I feel horrible about this, Elena.

Lot of some sweet urge

As I won? tire

Until these ties untangle

Days and counting

Hours we'd have in between them

If only I could recognize...

Elena...

Don't say anything. It will make things harder.

I don't want it to end this way.

I know.

Doors and windows

They are open now

Now

If only I could recognize

The truth...

Hello.

- Come to the clock with the Vespa. - Why?

I'm gonna stop Elena from leaving.

Bring that tie you got for Christmas.

Why do I need a tie?

I like the frigging tie!

Agent Ravencourt!

Agent Ravencourt!

Mr. White?

I love my wife.

Out of the way, asshole!

Mike!

You can't arrest me. I'm leaving.

I'm not here to arrest you.

As the wife of Michael White, an American citizen,

you are welcome to stay.

Welcome to America.

How did you do this?

Well, I said if she was gonna send you away,

then I'd have to go with you to Russia.

She said, "I hope you catch pneumonia and die."

Then I asked her if she'd ever been in love,

the kind of love that gets you in the gut,

where you can't stand to be away

from the other person even for a minute.

If she sent you away,

she'd be ripping out a piece of my heart,

and I'd never get to find another person

I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.

And that did it?

Not really. When I started to cry

and got down on my knees and begged,

then she realized that I loved you

and I wanted you to be my wife.

I never could stand the sight of a grown man crying.

Have a good life.

And leave that motorbike for me.

You two can catch a cab.

There's only one problem.

I checked all my bags to Russia.

I don't have any clothes.

I don't have a problem with that.

The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only.

I get two weddings, Mr. White?

Only one that counts, Mrs. White.

It's not too late for us, Betty Boo.

Ohh. Take care, Carlos.

By the way, I'm a real lawyer now.

Hey.

I'm glad l could help.

Speech! Speech!

Here's to the happy couple and many, many bilingual grandchildren.

Yes, sir.

To love, friendship and family,

the true poetry of life.

I know. I know.

You're next, little chiquita.

- Bravo. - With who?

With me, the Latin lover, baby.

I don't think so, Carlos.

Are you still looking for an American citizen to marry, Mr. Sanchez?

Well, I still have another week left on my visa.

Perhaps I can help.

Oh, yeah? How's that?

I have a feeling you could rock my boat, baby doll.

Come here, you gorgeous hunk of man.

- Okay, I-- - Come here.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.

Look, l didn't mean that. I'm not really a Latin lover, okay?

There's not enough room in my boat. Please. Please.

You're too much of a woman for me.

Please. Please.

Oh, my God. I don't even like meat.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm really not this Latin lover.

I'm gay. Yes, I'm gay.

Please. I like men. I love men.

I don't even like women. it's all a lie.

I'm going back to Colombia with my boat, and--

and it's just there's not enough room for you.

Please. Please...

Just like we planned it

This must be love

Everything I've seen

Everything I dream

Everything I mean

This must be love

This must be love

This must be love

Just like we planned it

This must be love