Original subtitles

Come On, Honey. Give Daddy The Blanket.

Listen, This Is Gonna Be A Real Fun Party With Lots Of Cake And Ice Cream,

But Little Girls With Wet Blankets Can't Go.

Now, Give It To Daddy.

Do This: Leave The Blanket Here, I'll Advance All Your Allowance Till You're 40.

Fair Enough?

There Is No Way That That Blanket Is Going In This Car.

- Mom! - No, No, No. Not This Time.

This Is A Brand New $25,000...

Bmw 325 E5 With Leather Interior.

Tom, It's Just A Car.

Oh, Come On. I Just Armor - Alled The Seats.

Got Any Eights?

Go Fish.

Why Does It Always Take Her So Long?

Just Think Of Her As A Work In Progress.

Ah! Do I Look All Right?

Do Stars Twinkle? Come On, Sweetheart. Your Bike Awaits.

Have You Ever Tried To Put Pantyhose On With Wet Nails?

It's A Bitch. I Forgot My Sample Case.

Come On, Tish. We're Gonna Be Late. Wearelate.

Be Careful.

Get Out Of The Road, Ya--

Be Careful, Tom!

Yea!

Come On!

Congratulations, Mama.

Wasn't It A Beautiful Ceremony?

Beautiful.

Oh, No! It Means Fertility.

God Forbid.

Bad Tits.

No Ass.

So, Tom, You Still Selling Subarus?

How Many Times I Got To Tell You, Kirby? I Sell Bmws.

I Just Happen To Work Out Of A Subaru Showroom.

Ohh!

Look At Her. What A Pig.

Here We Are, Safe And Sound.

Aah! I Know, I Know. We Got To Get A Car.

It's On My List.

I Dried My Hair In Front Of The Tv,

And It's Full Of Electricity.

Mitch, Please Stop.

Mitch, Don't Do That. Come On.

Wait. Your Cousins Toby And Mary-- Do They Have A Boy Or A Girl?

Uh, One Or The Other.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Brava! Brava! Go!

Congratulations To The Bride And Groom.

Many Happy Years Together.

Jesus, Who Is That?

Eh. You Take Away The Clothes And The Makeup, What Do You Got?

A Gorgeous Naked Woman.

Larry! Congratulations, Uncle Phil.

Isn't She Something, Huh?

Edie, If You Are Half As Wonderful As My Uncle Says,

I Want You To Leave Him Right Now-- I'm Gonna Marry You.

- This Is Larry's Beautiful Wife, Tish. - Congratulations.

And This Monster Here Is Mitchie.

Hey, Easy On The Mousse, Uncle Phil.

Hi, Mitch. This Is For You.

You Coming To Work For Me, You Son Of A Gun?

I Told You, Uncle Phil. I Just Don't See An Intellectual...

Albeit Muscular Guy Like Myself Working In A Junkyard.

Larry, Believe Me, There's A Future In Garbage.

By The Year 2000, There's Gonna Be No Place Left For Human Refuse.

Get In While The Market's Still Open. Hmm?

Don't Say Nothing. Sleep On It. No, No.

We'll Talk, Okay? It's On My List, Uncle Phil.

On Your List? I Got Your List. It's On My List, I Swear To God.

I Would Like To Make-- Attention, Please. Attention.

I Want To Make A Toast To This Lovely Young Couple.

Most Of Us Find Love...

Once In A Lifetime, If We're Lucky.

But For These Two To Find Love Again, Later In Life--

So Edie.

On Behalf Of My Whole Family, We Are Grateful,

Because My Uncle Phil, While Being One Of The Great Men In Garbage,

Has Not Always Been So Keen On Personal Hygiene.

But That Is Until He Met You.

So, I Will Now Disrobe...

And Play A Celtic Classic Ballad...

On My Love Flute.

Shut Up!

My Nephew Larry's Making A Toast.

Oh.

Um-- Thank You, Uncle Phil.

Even The Band Stopped. Well, I Was, Uh--

Excuse Me Here-- I Was Just, Uh,

Trying To Make A Toast Here.

I Guess What I Was Trying To Say Was, This, Uh,

This Occasion's More Than A Wedding.

It's A, Uh-- Well, It's A Love Story.

It's-- I'm Dying Here.

It's The Story--

What's The Real Color Of Her Hair Anyway?

Make Up Your Own Verse!

Anyway, Anyway--

Anyway, To Life, To Love,

To Phil And Edie. To Phil And Edie.

Larry, I'm Touched.

Such A Wonderful Nephew.

Such A Wonderful Bride. I Don't Deserve Her.

- You're Right, You Bastard! - Hey, You Don't Like It,

Kiss Me Where The Sun Don't Shine!

Oh, Yeah? Where's That? I'll Show You Where!

It's All Mine!

My Brother Angelo Just Rolled Over In His Grave.

- You're Crazy! - Crazy With Love!

Now, All Of These Products Are Natural,

And They're Coordinated To Go With Your Individual Coloring.

You're A Fall-- Soft Ambers And Magenta.

And You're A Summer-- Yellows And Blues.

And You, You're A Spring. You Should Be In Pink.

Darling, I'm A Widow. Thirty Years, And I Only Wear Black.

And On You, It Works. Classic.

Look At Her. Look At Her.

She Buried My Brother Only Five Years Ago.

Look At Her. She Killed Him. What?

She Killed Him By Putting Butter In His Food All The Time.

Listen To Me, Kevin. I'm Telling You, I Got A Problem With This.

You Told Me. Now's Not The Time. You Canceled The Check.

You Didn't Fix The Car. What, It's My Fault It Broke Down?

Tom, It Broke Down On The Way Home.

Hey! You Owe Me Money. You Owe Me A Car!

You're A Goddamn Liar. Shithead! You're A Cheat!

Come On! Come On! Take It Easy.

Relax! Relax! Just Relax!

- Take It Easy. - Your Cousin's An Asshole.

Hey, Just Take It Easy. Get Some Help, Tom.

I'm So-- I'm Sorry.

Up Close, She Doesn't Look So Young.

Wait. You're Actually Telling Me That Your Parents Let You Come Here Today,

And They Never Warned You About The Wedding Killer?

No. Okay.

You See, There's This Guy-- Fred, I Think His Name Is--

And-- And His Girlfriend Walked Out On Him, Okay?

And On The Day Of Her Wedding To This Other Guy,

Fred Showed Up,

And He Had A Machete, And He Chopped Her Head Off.

- Eww! - There Was Blood Everywhere.

Then He Sliced The Groom's Guts Open...

Right Down The Middle, And This Stuff Spilled Out That Looked Like Spaghetti.

Eww!

And Then He Ripped Her Heart Out While It Was Still Beating, And He Ate It.

Wait, Wait, Wait.

And Now, He Goes From Wedding To Wedding,

Macheteing Up Everybody Into Little Pieces.

- Kids Too? - Especially Kids.

It's Time To Go, Kids.

How Sweet Of You To Tell Them Stories, Mitch.

There's Nothing To It.

Oh!

Come On, Children. Children, Outside.

Bye-Bye! Whoo!

Bye-Bye!

Bye-Bye!

Bye-Bye! Send A Card!

Okay, I'll Call You.

Dad, I Can't Find Her Anywhere,

And I Got Plans Tonight.

Uh, Harry? Yeah?

Harry, Can You Give My Kid A Lift Home? Come Along, Mitch.

Great. Thanks. Hey, As Dads Go, You're Okay.

Home By 10:00.

Mitch, Home By 10:00.

Bye. No More?

She's Going To Come Back Soon. She's On A Honeymoon.

I Don't Know Where He Went. I Don't Understand.

Hi. Hi.

I Seem To Have Lost My Mate. Me Too.

I Was Sure I Came In With One.

Nice Wedding. Mm-Hmm.

I'm Phil's Nephew. I Know. I'm Edie's--

I Know. Larry.

I'm Maria. Chloe. Hi, Chloe.

Are You Cold, Sweetheart? Yeah.

Well, Why Don't We Go Inside.

Yes, That's A Good Idea.

You Should Be A Singer. Thanks. I'll Try.

Your Wife Is Very Beautiful.

Have You Been Married Long? A Couple Of Years. You?

Almost 11. Ooh!

We Were Married Young.

Work? Yes. He Sells Cars. Subarus.

No. Do You Work? Me?

Yes. I'm A Legal Secretary.

Ah. And You?

I Teach Ballroom Dancing.

Really? Mm-Hmm.

Would You Have Been More Impressed If I Said I Was A Securities Analyst?

Because My First Wife Was. My Father, However, Was More Impressed...

When I Was A Real Estate Broker.

My First Wife's Friends Liked That Too.

Everybody Was Impressed But Me.

And You Play The Piano Too. No.

Trumpet.

Are You Really A Dance Teacher?

Here You Go. This...

Entitles You To One Free Lesson.

I'm Not A Very Good Dancer. That's Okay.

I'm Not A Very Good Teacher.

Well, I Bet I Know Somebody Who Would Like To Dance.

Oh, You're So Light.

You're Very Good With Children.

Well, My Job Gives Me A Lot Of Time To Spend With My Son.

The One With The Video Camera? Uh-Huh.

You Know, My Mother And Phil, They Are So Sweet.

I Felt Like Crying, But I Couldn't.

I Never Can.

Why Am I Telling You This?

People Tell Dance Teachers Things.

Thank You, Madam. That Was Lovely.

Nobody Told Me Anything When I Was In Securities.

How Many Jobs Did You Have? Oh, I Don't Know. A Lot.

If It Looks Like I Might Be Successful, I Move On.

You Don't Want To Be Successful? I Want To Be Happy.

Hey, We're Getting Personal Here.

You're Learning All My Secrets, And I Don't Know The First Thing About You.

Not An Interesting Person.

Christ, You-- How You Doin'? You Will Not Believe What Happened To Us.

The Goddamn Car Broke Down. Where Is Everybody?

Oh, Jesus, I Didn't Know It Was This Late. Are You Okay?

Oh, Tom Was Just Giving Me A Test Drive In His Car.

We Lost Track Of Time. Tom Sells Bmws.

- I Thought They Were Subarus. - I Understand You're In The Market For A New Car.

We Are, Aren't We, Honey?

Your Wife And I Have Been Talking About Putting A Set Of Wheels Under You...

At A Price You Can Afford.

Not Just Any Set Of Wheels. Bavarian Motor Works.

I Think A Bmw Is A Little Out Of Our Range.

Mmm.

Besides, They're Breaking Down All The Time.

So Anyway, As Soon As She Said...

They Were Thinking Of Buying A Car, I Knew It.

If I Could Get Her Behind The Wheel, Bingo.

Sale, Commission, Full Sticker Price.

Then The Car Breaks Down.

That's The Thing In Sales. You Have To Concentrate On The Woman.

Women Always Liked You, Tom.

You Believe Me, Don't You?

Why Shouldn't I? You're My Husband.

Phil's Worth A Lot Of Money.

You Really Should Take Him Up On His Offer.

You're Great At Collecting Junk.

You'd Wind Up Running The Company.

My Psychic, Mrs. Wong,

Is Encouraging Me To Express Myself.

She Says A Lot Of Attractive Women Get Depressed...

Because They Think People See Nothing But Their Looks.

She Thinks I Have Sensitivity And Talent, Larry.

She Says That.

Mrs. Wong Is "Wight."

I Should Tell You That More Often. I'm Sorry.

Would You Still Slay A Dragon For Me?

Maybe A Baby Dragon.

Mrs. Wong Gave Me A Self-Improvement Tape. Would You Like To Hear It?

Not Right Now.

Larry?

I Wouldn't Hurt You For Anything. You Know That, Don't You?

Why Would You Say That?

Will You Dance With Me? We Never Dance Anymore.

Hey, Mitch.

Remember The Guy On The News Who Listened To Ozzy Osbourne So Much...

That His Parents Sued Because He Became A Mass Murderer?

Well, Aunt Irene Told Me Today...

She's Thinking Of Suing Now Because Cousin Donald...

Listened To Barry Manilow Over And Over,

And He Became A Florist.

Aah!

That Bad, Huh? What's Up?

It's The Blonde On The Blue Bicycle, Isn't It?

Shut Up.

The Blonde Whose Initials Are On Your Vans?

Shut Up.

When I Watch You Play Soccer And The Guys Go For Gatorade At The Break,

You Go And Talk To The Blonde On The Blue Bicycle.

- I Said Shut Up! You're Not My Mother. - Mitch--

I'm Just Trying To Help, Mitchie. I Could Give You The Girl's Point Of View.

Tish, Kiss My Squirrel! Hey, Hey!

We Will Have No Squirrel Kissing Here Tonight.

Well, I Was Just Trying To Help.

I Think I Should Spend A Little Time With Mitchie Alone.

"Kiss My Squirrel"?

Hey, Come On.

What's Wrong-- Oh, That's Very Nice.

Go Apologize To Tish. Go. Get Out Of Here.

Repeat Several Times A Day,

"I Approve...

"Of Myself.

"I Approve...

Of Myself."

You're Not Throwing It Quite Hard Enough.

I Hate Leonard Pierson. Who?

Leonard Pierson-- In My Class.

He Follows Me Around All The Time.

But You Shouldn't Hate Anybody, Chloe.

He Tells Everyone He Loves Me.

That Is Sweet. You Be Sweet To Him, Okay?

Bye. Bye, Mom.

- Leonard! - Aah!

Hi, Tom. Bernadette--

Look, I'm Sorry, But We Have To Stop Seeing Each Other.

What? It's Just Getting Too Serious.

You're Right.

Hi. Uh, I'll Be With You In A Minute, Okay, Tom?

How Is Your Family?

Olga, Listen. About Us--

I Can't See You Anymore.

Lighten Up, Tom.

Planned Parenthood.

You're Not Allowed To Talk To The Driver.

Would You Excuse Me Just One Moment?

Hi. What Did You Tell Him?

Who? Your Husband, About Us?

Nothing. Good. Keep It That Way.

I Wanted To Make Sure You're Not A Three-Beers- And-Confession Type.

Well, You're A Whole Lot Different Than You Were Last Night.

Last Night Never Happened, Understand? I've Changed My Whole Life Today.

I've Cleaned Up My Act. No More Women.

Last Night Never Happened, Understand?

And If You Ever Say It Did-- If You Use The "F" Word About Us--

If Even The "Fu" Sound Comes Out Of Your Mouth--

I Will Denounce You As A Liar And Home-Wrecker, Do You Understand?

Miss?

Excuse Me. I Have To Get Back To Her Or Her Eyeliner Will Cake.

Do You Understand? I Have An I.Q. In The Triple Digits.

What Word Do You Think I Didn't Understand?

Okay. I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Understood.

Are You Wearing Black Underwear? Yes.

Want To Meet Me For A Drink Later?

Kiss My Squirrel.

Whew.

So They Drove To A Shopping Mall...

And Parked In Back Of A Supermarket...

Behind A Dumpster...

In Our Car That I Make Payments On By Sweating My Ass Off...

So She Can Sweat Her Ass Off Inside It.

Sorry.

That Car Was Rocking Like An Out-Of- Whack Washing Machine.

I Went Crazy. I-- Are You Getting All This Down, Maria?

Yes, I Am, Mr. Bergman. Okay.

I Decided To Kill Her,

But I Couldn't.

I Love Her.

So I Shaved Her Head.

And Now See If He Wants Her.

That Is Why Your Wife Is Suing You For Divorce, Mr. Dionne.

Love Is Shit.

Marriage Is Shit.

You Know, I'm Sitting Here Listening To You Editorialize-- Fuck You, Moneybags, Eh?

That's My Favorite Part. Boi-Oi-Oing! Here We Go.

Happy, Happy, Happy.

No, No, We're Doing The Cha-Cha Here.

Sorry. All Right. Remember, Ladies,

It's Okay To Smile, Especially At My Jokes.

Ready, And--

Cha-Cha-Cha, Swivel, Swivel,

Forward, Back, Forward.

Whoo! I Can't Even Say It Right. Hit Him, Maggie, If He Does That Right.

Let's Do It Again. Ready, And--

Cha-Cha-Cha, Swivel, Swivel,

Forward, Cross, Forward.

Who's Leading Here? That's All Right. You Lead.

You're Doing A Good Job. I Want These Suspenders.

Ready, And-- Cha-Cha- Cha, Swivel, Swivel,

Forward, Cross, Forward.

Up, Six, Seven, Eight.

And One--

You're Going To Put Me Out Of Work. You're Too Good.

One More Time. Ready, And--

Cha-Cha-Cha-- Oh, My God. No, No, No.

Let Me Show You One More Time. One More Time, Everybody.

Mrs. Greenblatt.

You Look "Mah - Velous."

Magnificent. A Thing Of Beauty.

Thank You, Thank You.

Okay, That's It. Time's Up, Everybody.

Practice, Practice, Practice. Yes, Practice, Practice, Practice.

Good-Bye. Get Out Of Here. Get Out Of Here, You Crazy Guys.

Thank You. Get New Shoes. Those Are Not Gonna Work.

Don't Forget To Bring Your Checks Next Week.

- Hi. - Hi.

You Came For Your Free Lesson.

No, It's My Lunch Break, And I Thought That Maybe We Could Talk.

- Mexican? - It's Too Heavy.

I Don't Know How To Say This-- Well, Words Are Good.

They Have Fried Octopus?

No, I Had That For Breakfast.

This Is Difficult. Oh, Come On.

It's Only Lunch. Burgers.

No. Too Obvious.

Larry, I Need To Ask You Something.

Do I Think That Your Husband And My Wife Slept Together?

Thank You. It Would've Taken Me A Lot Longer.

Well, I Only Have An Hour For Lunch.

Ah. Spuds International. Everything You Ever Wanted On A Potato And More.

I Think They Have One With A Buick On It.

Do You Think They Did?

I Don't Know. Only They Know.

You Don't Seem To Be Upset About It.

Sex Isn't That Big A Deal Anyway.

Whether They Had Sex Or Not, Something Happened.

Hey, I Believe In People's Freedom Of Choice.

Tish Needs To Grow Up To Be Her Own Person. Now, That's Me.

What People Do Is Their Own Business. That Doesn't Apply To Marriage.

Sounds Like You Have A Choice To Make. And Guess What?

You're Free To Make It.

This Is Great. We Hardly Know Each Other,

And We're Already Getting Our First Argument Out Of The Way.

Are You Serious About That Freedom Stuff?

Yes.

No! Oh, God, I'm So Full Of Shit!

I'd Like To Kill Them Both!

I'm Sorry.

I Will Pay For It. I'll Pay For It. It's My Fault.

I Will Pay For The Fish. I Broke The Fish.

I'm Sorry. I Shouldn't Have Come.

How Much? Never Mind.

Wait. Wait, Please. I'm, Uh-- I'm Very Sorry.

Whoa.

It Wasn't Easy For You To Come See Me Today, Was It? No.

Are You Okay?

No, I'm Not Okay.

That's Right. You Don't Cry, Do You?

Or Hit Fish.

Oh, God. Ooh, Jeez.

You Know, Tom Lately Has Been Really Upset About Work.

They Have These Contests-- Who Sells Most Cars--

And He Lost His Trip To Las Vegas.

That's A Good Reason To Hump My Wife.

I'm Sorry. Listen, Tish Is A Good Person.

She Just Wants To Be Appreciated For More Than Her Looks.

She's Worried People Think She's Dumb.

She's Not Dumb. Tom Is Very Vulnerable To Female Flattery.

Why Do You Keep Making Excuses For Your Husband?

Because You're Making Excuses For Your Wife. All Right. All Right.

So, How Did You Two Meet?

We Met In High School.

He Was An Athlete, A Big Athlete,

And He Had A Red Car He Was Very Proud Of.

Girls Were Crazy About Him.

I Just Came To This Country, And I Was Very Shy.

I Couldn't Believe When He Came And Talked To Me.

He Must Have Said Something Right To Get You To Marry Him.

No. I Was The Only Girl Who Wouldn't Go To Sleep With Him.

What About You?

I Guess I Thought Tish Was Gonna Be Different Than My First Wife.

Surprise, You Know.

Turns Out She's The Bride Of Bloomingdale's.

So, What Do You Want To Do? You Want To Confront Them?

They'll Just Deny It.

We Could Shave Their Heads.

What?

I Have To Go Back To Work. I'm Sorry.

I'm Sorry If I Spoiled Your Day.

It Was Nice Not Having Lunch With You.

Bye.

Good-Bye, Maria.

Sweetheart, I'm Going To Put Your Flowers In The Vase.

You Can Do Your Homework.

What's In The Box, Daddy?

What's This?

Open It.

And Tonight I'm Going To Make My World - Famous Garlic Chicken Pamplona.

Yea!

Not Only That, I'm Going To Clean Up, After I Use Every Pot In The House.

I Promise.

Tom, This Is Beautiful.

What's The Occasion?

Nothing. Just Us.

All Of Us Together. Just One Of Those Nights...

It's Nice To Have A Family.

So, How Was Your Day?

Fine. I Had Lunch With Larry Kozinski.

Who? Larry Kozinski.

I Had Lunch With Him Today. Sweetheart, Don't Wrinkle It.

Why? Uh, What For?

Uh, What Did You Talk About?

Mmm, Nothing Special.

- Was It A Nice Lunch? - Mm-Hmm. Very Nice.

Well, That's Fine.

That's Good. That's Okay.

I'm Glad You Had A Nice Day.

Good Old Larry. Lunch.

Nice.

Mitchie Is, Uh-- What Is It You Are Again, Mitchie?

I'm A Multimedia Artist,

But My Emphasis Is On Video.

I'm So Excited.

That's Her.

I'm Showing A Little Cleavage. So What?

Cut! Cut! Lights!

Thank You.

You Did The Wrong Thing.

How About Lunch?

You Are A Very Sick Young Man.

Alienation. Great.

Interesting Work, Mitch.

Thanks, Dad. Yeah.

What The Hell Are You Doing Taking My Wife Out To Lunch?

Actually, We Didn't Have Lunch.

We Went For A Walk, But My Feet Broke Down,

So We Were A Little Late Getting Back.

They Know.

They Know About Us.

Work In Garbage All Week, Enjoy Nature On The Weekends.

Here We Go. Ooh, Ooh, Ooh.

Tell Me About Larry.

Larry, Larry.

I've Asked Him A Million Times To Come Into The Business,

But He Wants To Change Jobs, Dance.

Me, I Say This With Love, Maria.

Larry Is A Failure In Everything Except Life.

Come! Dance With Me! Yes!

Come On. Let Me Rest! Let Me Rest!

Show Her How To Do It, Girls.

Follow Me. No, You Go.

We're Gonna Miss You.

Phil, Do You Want Some Cake? Phil?

Phil?

Come On. Come On!

Something's Wrong.

One Shot, Man! That's All It'll Take-- One Shot!

I'm Right Here! I Won't Have It In My House!

Stop. Stop.

Stop It. Stop It.

Mama.

Phil!

Phil.

Phil.

Don't Leave Me!

"So That Even Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death,

"I Fear No Evil, For Thou Art With Me.

"Thy Rod And Thy Staff, They Comfort Me.

"Thou Preparest A Table Before Me In The Presence Of Mine Enemies.

"My Cup Overflows.

"Surely Goodness And Mercy Shall Follow Me...

"All The Days Of My Life,

And I Shall Dwell In The House Of The Lord Forever."

Let Us Pray.

O God, Whose Days Are Without An End--

Give Me Back My 50 Cents.

Drive Me Around This Damn Town... Keep Your Dime, Sport.

Just To Run Up Your Fare.

What Do You Think I Am, Huh?

A Goddamn Tourist?

Cheapskate.

Pop, You Were Supposed To Call Me.

For What? A Ride On That Motorcycle Of Yours?

Good To See You, Son.

Good God. Is This Mitchie? How You Doing, Grandpa?

I'll Be Damned.

You're Getting To Be A Big Man, Aren't You, Huh? Yeah.

Let's Go. No, You Go Ahead.

No, I'll Wait Right Here.

At My Age, You Don't Want To Get Too Close To An Open Grave.

Stay With Him, Will You? Sure.

So, Grandpa, How Come You Didn't Come To The Church?

Uh, God Makes Me Nervous When You Get Him Indoors.

Besides, I Don't Like Seeing People In Their Coffins.

They Always Look So Much Smaller Without Their Spirits.

I Was Going To Bring You A Gift, But I Forgot.

Think You Might Like One Of These, Huh?

Which One You Want?

Hot Patty's Pajama Party Orgirls With Big Jugs?

Eat. There's Casseroles, Cakes.

I'll Have Turkey Tetrazzini Coming Out The Wazoo.

Everyone Loved Him So.

Did You See The Wreath The Boys From The Junkyard Sent?

Larry! Was It Me? Was I Too Much For Him?

No, Edie. He Was The Happiest He'd Ever Been With You.

I Want You To Meet My Father, Vincent. My Sympathies.

I'm Sorry I Missed Your Wedding. My Hernia Prevented It.

Edie. I'm Sorry. I Have To Go To Work.

We Are Still Family Even Though Phil Is Gone.

So Don't Be A Stranger, Hmm?

I Won't, I Promise.

See You Later. Bye, Pops.

Nobody Takes A Day Off When A Man Dies Anymore? Jesus.

You Know, Funerals Make Women Really Horny.

I Never Knew Phil All That Well, But This Is Great Turkey Tetrazzini.

Here, Mommy. Oh, Thank You.

Look, I Got To Go Show A Car.

As Long As Chloe's Gonna Stay Overnight Here,

Why Don't You Meet Me About 7:30, And We'll Go Out To Eat?

If Mama Doesn't Need Me.

If Your Mom Doesn't Need You, Maybe You Can Meet Me At The Showroom.

If Mama Doesn't Need Me, I'll Be There At 7:30.

Okay.

Beauty And The Beast.

I'm Never Gonna Get Married.

You Wait. You'll See. You'll Get Married, Have Kids,

Have A Happy Life.

Don't Eat Too Much Butter, Though.

You Know What I'd Really Like To Do? What?

Kill Someone. What?

Calmly Plan A Murder.

Choose The Victim-- Maybe Even Someone Political--

So I Could Do The World Some Good, You Know.

I'd Have To Think About It First For A Few Years.

Hey, It Can't Be Any Dumber Than Getting Married...

And Going To Work Every Day.

I Mean, It Must Be More Fun.

Mr. Z., I'm Going To Be A Little Late Getting Back.

It's Hard To Rush A Funeral.

As Soon As I Can.

What Took You So Long? Just Get In The Car.

I Think You Forgot To Say Please.

Just Get In The Car, Will You?

Oh, You're So Manly.

There. There's My Wife.

Ohh.

We Were Married For 35 Years,

And She Never Once Raised Her Voice To Me.

So Then You Know What It's Like To Lose Someone?

She Went Into The Hospital To Have A Boil Removed And Never Came Out.

I Moved Upstate, Bought Some Gas Stations.

Oh, I Do Quite Well,

But I've Had To Learn To Live With Loneliness, Hmm?

Life Is That Way. Who Can Explain It?

I Thought Phil And I Would Share The Rest Of Our Lives Together.

Now, All I Have Left Is His Share Of The Garbage Company.

What Am I Going To Do With A Garbage Company?

I Don't Know Anything About Business.

Perhaps You Would Be Interested In Buying Me Out?

Well, Maybe I Could Give You Something For Your Part Of The Business.

Something?

What Neighborhood Of Something Would We Be Talking About?

You'll Be All Right? Bye, Mom.

See You In The City, Son. I'm Taking Mitchie With Me.

I Don't Think Riding On That Thing Is Good For His Gonads.

My Sympathies, Maria. Bye.

Good-Bye, Larry. Thank You. Bye-Bye.

Are You Coming With Us, Maria?

Why Are We Here? I Thought You Were Taking Me Home.

Do You Want To Go Home? I'll Take You Home. No, That's All Right.

I Just Wondered.

What Were You Singing?

I Wasn't Singing.

You Just Didn't Think I Could Hear You Over The Engine, But I Could.

You Don't Cry At Weddings, But You Sing At Funerals.

You Told Me You Weren't An Interesting Person.

I'm Not. Come On. What Were You Singing?

I Don't Sing For People. It's Private.

Oh. Well, Hum A Few Bars Then.

What Song Is That?

Boy, I Still Have No Idea.

I Hate To Break This To You, But That Tune Has No Resemblance...

To Any Song The Beatles Ever Recorded.

It's "The Long And Winding Road."

Oh, No, No, That Goes More Like--

You're Worse Than I Am.

Are You Going To Push Me Off? I Thought You Trusted Me.

Here, Hold On To My Shoulders. Ready?

Push. Push Against Me.

Whoa! Isn't That Exciting? I Guess So.

Come Here.

My Boat. It's Great.

I Mean, It Could Be Great. Shecould Be Great.

You Always Refer To A Boat As A Female. Why?

I Guess If You're Some Sweaty Sailor Out At Sea For A Year,

You Need To Use Your Imagination.

What Are You Going To Do With She?

I'm Gonna Fix Her Up And I'm Going To Sail Off Into The Sunset.

You Have A Rich Fantasy Life, Don't You?

Uh-Huh.

Don't You? Don't You Have Fantasies? I Do.

I Do, But They're Private.

I Don't Tell Them To Anybody.

Not Even A Dance Teacher? You're Not Just A Dance Teacher.

I Can't Figure It Out What You Are.

Hey, Isn't That What Everybody Wants--

A Smooth-Sailing Life?

You Can Achieve That For A Minute...

Out On The Dance Floor Or The Water.

Look, How Lovely. Mmm.

That One Would Look Great On You. Tom Hates Me In Hats.

Then I'll Buy It For You. No.

But The Look On Tom's Face--

We'll Take That One Right There.

What Does Your Wife Hate You To Wear?

Boxer Shorts. She Doesn't Think They're Sexy.

Oh, I Think They're Very Sexy.

We're Gonna Be Bad. We're Gonna Be So Bad.

Hey, I Got Him. He's Gonna Buy A 325 Loaded.

Chrome Wheels, Tinted Glass, Alarm, Phone, Wool Carpets.

Two More Beamers And I-- I Win Your Trip To Vegas.

I Don't Even Like The Color. Just Sit In It.

I Don't Like It.

Hi. Hi.

Listen,

The Beauty Of The Subaru Is That It Is So Cost - Efficient...

That I Bet A Woman Like You Could Talk Him Into One For Him...

And Then One For Yourself.

Do This.

Let Me Take You For A Test Drive In That Little Blue Wagon.

Hi.

Look This Way. Now See There?

Want To Go Up Further That Way?

This Way? Yeah, That's Good.

You're Really Doing That Well. That's Really Good.

Do-- I Need To Talk To You.

I'm With A Customer.

But If You're Interested In A Makeover, You'll Have To Wait Your Turn.

Now, I Want You To Try The Dusty Rose. This Is Important.

- So Is My Career. Line Right There. - Tish!

I'm With A Customer.

Now That, That Works. Yeah?

Yeah. That Definitely Works.

Your Husband Is Having An Affair With My Wife.

You Are Insane.

If I Had Any Idea How Insane You Were,

I Would Never Have Let You Start Up With Me.

Hah! What? You Seduced Me!

I'm Sorry. I'll Be Right Back.

Take Your Time, Honey.

Your Opinion Of Larry Is A Tribute...

To Your Insensitivity To Other Human Beings.

Larry Would Never Have Sex With Someone Like Your Wife.

I'm Not Worried About Sex. I'm Worried About Them Having A Relationship.

You've Ruined My Life.

And You Are Jeopardizing My New Job Here...

As Assistant Manager Of This Department.

So If You'd Like A Private Consultation,

Please Call For An Appointment.

And If You Ever Come Here And Upset Me Again,

I Will Have The Security Guards Throw You Out Of The Store.

Now, Where Were We? Yes. Making The Lips Fuller.

So I Burned Her Underwear. So What? I'll Buy Her More.

He's Sick. He's A Beast.

How Am I Supposed To Go Anywhere Looking Like This?

In Some Countries, Bald Is Considered Attractive.

I Didn't Marry You For Your Looks Anyway. I Want A Divorce.

Her And That Lowlife Appliance Salesman Aren't Getting A Dime!

Excuse Me. I'm Sorry, Folks, But We're Very Late.

I Had No Idea Your Job Was So Dangerous. Why Are We Running?

How About Lunch? I'm Not Hungry.

Good.

- Fish Must Be So Happy. - They Must Be.

They Have Mating Rituals Like Italian Operas.

I Hate To Leave. This Was Such A Great Idea.

Let's Call In Sick. Maggie Can Take My Classes.

I Can't Call In Sick. Then Call In Well.

Tell Your Boss It's Too Beautiful A Day...

To Take Notes On Other People's Problems.

I'll Call For You. You Want Me To?

No, I'll Call For Myself.

If The Lake Were To Swallow Me Up Right Now,

I Would Die A Happy Man.

It Has Been A Long Time Since I Have Been This Happy Too.

Is It Just Me,

Or Do You Also Have This Uncontrollable Desire...

To Put Our Lips Together?

We Can't.

You're Right. We Can't.

Why Can't We?

Have You Ever Cheated On Tish?

Once,

In Monopoly.

I Stole All Her Good Properties While She Was Doing Her Nails.

How About You? A Catholic Schoolgirl?

Yeah. No.

So What Will Happen To Us?

Well, We Could Be Lovers Or We Could Be Friends.

We Are Friends.

If We Are Lovers, We Have To Lie.

I Don't Think I Can Do That.

Yeah, Me Either.

Could We Make Love Once And Then Never See Each Other Again?

Mmm.

Mm-Mm. Mm-Mm.

Friends Then. Very Special Friends.

Tom And Tish Will Be Insane With Jealousy.

So What? Who Cares? We're Gonna Be Innocent.

We'll Be This Great Couple. Years From Now,

We'll Be In The Guinness Book Of Records.

"Twenty Years," People Will Say, "And They Never Had Sex."

"You're Kidding Me." "No, It's True."

And All Those Years,

I'll Be Dreaming Of Kissing You.

With Tongue Or Without?

How About Just One?

Friends. Remember.

What Do You Do On The Weekend?

I Spend As Much Time As I Can With Chloe.

Tom Loves To Go To Restaurants He Cannot Afford,

Then Complains All Through Dinner.

Bye. Bye.

Hey!

Let's Pretend To Meet At A Restaurant.

- Saturday Night? - I'll Bring My Father.

Mario's. 9:00.

Did You Let It Breathe?

Sir, I Personally Gave It Mouth-To-Mouth.

Excellent.

Does Anyone Ever Send It Back?

Not The House Wine, Sir.

Look Who's Here.

Hey, Look Who's Here. What A Coincidence. Hi.

Come Join Us. Yes, By All Means.

Really? What Do You Think? That'd Be Fun.

What Do You Say, Pop? That Would Be Great.

I've Always Wanted To Come Here.

What Are Those? Children's Portions?

The Flowers Are Bigger Than The Food.

Can We Get More Wine Over Here, Please?

Look At All These Self-Satisfied Pigs Stuffing Themselves.

- People Are Starving. - Mitch.

I Wish Someone With An Uzi Would Walk In Here...

And Take All This Jewelry Everyone's Showing Off.

They're Just Symbols Of A Sick Society.

Hey, I Started Out Pumping Gas When I Was Your Age.

Now I Own My Own String Of Stations. That Could Only Happen In This Society.

Please Make Them Stop, Larry.

Oh, I Think Everybody's Entitled To Their Own Opinion. Don't You, Edie?

Oh, Yes. As Long As They Agree With Mine.

So How Do You Like This Wine, Vince?

I'd Rather Have A Case Of The Clap Than A Case Of This Wine.

Pop-- Oh, Boy.

Jeez. See These Prices Here?

I Think Phil Would've Wanted You To Take Us All To Dinner.

I Think Phil Would Have Wanted You And Me To Split It.

- To Phil. - Yeah.

To Phil. To Phil.

To Phil. To Phil.

Excuse Me.

- What's Wrong With Her? - I Don't Know.

- She Went To The Ladies' Room. Let Me Go. - No, Mama. I'll Go.

Tish?

Open Up. Go Away.

Come On. Let Me In.

Please, Leave Me Alone.

Tish?

You Bought Him Those Terrible Boxer Shorts, Didn't You?

I Didn't Mean Anything By It. It Was Just A Joke.

Tom Said You Were Having An Affair, But I Didn't Believe Him...

Until I Saw The Way You Looked At Each Other.

We're Not Having An Affair.

We Have Been Playing A Little Game To Get Back At You And Tom.

It's Just Gone Too Far. I'm Sorry.

She's So Nice.

She's So Nice.

Tish--

Go Get Us Some Ice Cream. But I Don't Want To Miss Anything.

Ice Cream! Please Get Us Some Ice Cream, Mitchie.

Don't Talk To Him Like That.

Tish. Tish, Wait A Minute.

Son? What?

Are You Bedding That Woman? Tish?

Christ, Son, I Hope You're Bedding Your Own Wife. No, The Other One, Maria.

No, Pop, I'm Not. You Sure As Hell Act Like It.

Both Of You. Well, I'm Not. We're Just Friends.

Well, Then, Get Your House In Order.

Pop, If You Don't Stop Bossing People Around--

You Know That Tall Building Over There? It's Called The Hilton.

Tish?

Tish, Come On, Sweetheart.

Tish, Come On. You're Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing.

Tish, Open Up.

Come On, Sweetheart.

You're Not Doing Anything Stupid In There, Are You?

Oh. Hi.

We Haven't Seen This Outfit For A While, Have We?

You're Sure You Don't Want To Talk About This, Huh? Guess Not.

Phil? Oh, God.

What's Happening? Hmm?

What? Oh.

Great. You Think I'm Too Young To Talk About Sex?

Is That It? You Know, I've Had Sex.

Yeah, Sure You Have. I Have.

She Was 300 Pounds.

And When I Was On Top Of Her, I Was So High My Arms And Legs Didn't Touch The Bed.

And When She Breathed, I Flew Up And Down Like I Was On A Trampoline.

Why The Hell Do You Make Up All This Nonsense?

I'm A Multimedia Artist. That's What I Do-- I Make Up Nonsense.

Oh.

Mmm.

Do You Still Have Sex?

Rarely.

Do You Miss It? Yeah. Oh, God.

Then Why Don't You Have It?

I've Just Been Thinking The Same Thing.

Smile. Good.

Welcome To Weddingland. And Which Joyous Event Will You Be Attending?

Uh, Kozinski.

The Crystal Gazebo. A Right, Then A Left.

Dusty, Will You Take Them?

Where Is The Macintosh Wedding? Macintosh.

The Pink Rose Chapel.

Dave, Give Me A Kiss.

Let Me See The Gut. Let Me See The Gut.

No X-Rated Pictures, You Bad Boy.

Weddings Are Joyful Occasions.

They're Pagan Rituals. He's Got It Under Control Here, Aunt Sofia.

Dad, I Had The Shot And She's Stifling-- I Know.

Edie. How Are You?

Is That A Dress You Wear To A Wedding?

I Made It. My Own Design.

See You Later. Bye.

That's A Dress You Wear To A Hooker's Wedding.

Good To See You Again, Edie. Hi, Vince.

Sofia. How Do You Do?

Larry. Mr. D., How Are You?

The Music Is Too Loud. I Can't Talk Over It.

That Is A Beautiful Dress.

Here's Looking At You, Kid. Weddings Really Turn Me On.

Mmm.

Oh, Yeah.

Music Going All The Time. Fantastic. I Can't Live Without Music.

Look At Her.

Look At Her. It's Not Enough She Killed The First One.

Now She's Out To Kill The Brother Too.

The Kiss Of Death.

You're A Sight For Sore Eyes, You Know That, Don't You?

I'm An Old, Lonely Woman. My Life Is Over.

I Try To Be A Good Grandmother Now.

I'm Thinking Of Making Jam.

I Like Your Shoes. It Shows Off Your Bubble Gum Toes.

What Was I Saying?

Giving Me That Crap About Being Old.

Ladies And Gentlemen, At This Time...

We're So Happy To Bring Up To The Dance Floor For Their First Dance,

Mr. And Mrs. Dean Kozinski.

Dance With Me. Sure.

What?

Somebody Dance With Me. Sure, Yeah.

Hey, What Are You Doing?

Sh--

Go Dance With Your Wife.

The Marriage Business Is Sure Booming.

Business Is Right.

Would You And Your Wife Like A Piece Of Cake? Oh, Thank You.

But She's Not My Wife. In That Case, Can I Have Your Phone Number?

What Are You Doing? Congratulations.

Thank You. Kidding.

What Do You Think We Would Be Like As A Married Couple?

Horrendous, Awful.

Sure, At First You'd Find Me Witty, Charming.

Fall In Love With Those Cute Sounds I Make In The Morning.

But Then In About Three Months You'd Want To Smother Me With A Pillow 'Cause I Talk Too Much.

Oh, No. I Love Our Talks.

We Talk Now 'Cause We're Not Married.

- They're In Love! - They're Not In Love.

They Are. And It's Our Fault.

I'm Out. They're Not In Love. Here.

Have Some Of Mine.

Why Are You Being So Nice To Me? To Make Them Jealous, Right?

I've Always Been Nice To You.

Never. Then How Come You... Had Sex With Me?

'Cause I Thought You Were Intelligent And Going Somewhere With Your Life. Ha!

But I've Had Cause To Reconsider My First Opinion.

I'm Goin' Somewhere. You Think I'm Gonna Sell Subarus Forever.

Plus, I Have A Lot Of Deep Thoughts.

I Just Have A Hard Time Talkin' To Women.

You're Talking To Me.

You're Different. How?

I Don't Know. Different.

Different Than Maria.

Maria's... Too Good For Me.

You Know, If Larry Got A Good Job And Stopped Playing That Trumpet, I Could Be Happy!

And I Wouldn't Be Attracted To Someone Like You.

What The Hell Does That Mean, Someone Like Me?

Hey, Where The Hell You Been? Where You Been?

Where The Hell's My Wife? Tom, You're Drunk.

Where's Maria? Have You Seen Her? Don't Worry About It.

Come Watch Them Cut The Cake.

That's An Idea. Stop Him. Stop Him.

Mama, The Cake! I Know. Hon, Don't--

You Go Straight. Mama, Will You Open The Door?

Sweetheart, Are You Going To Be Sick Again? Mm - Mm.

Lie Still, Dear.

I'll Get A Hefty Bag.

Can I Use A Phone To Call A Cab?

Don't Be Ridiculous. Take My Car.

I'll Stay Here Tonight. You Can Bring It Back Tomorrow...

With A Full Tank Of Gas.

I'll Bring It Back Tomorrow On One Condition-- Pick You Up To Have Dinner.

Vince, We Are Not Compatible.

Oh, Come On. Dinner.

On Me.

All Right. You Made An Old Man Very Happy.

You Are Not So Old. Yeah, I Know, And I'm Not So Happy.

He'll Be Fine.

This Is So Crazy. We Haven't Done Anything. They Think We Have.

We Have To Stop. I Know.

It's So Unfair.

You've Become My Best Friend.

Don't You Know, Married Men And Women...

Are Only Allowed To Be Close Friends In Large Groups?

For Tish. Ah.

I'm Gonna Miss You.

Mitch, Don't Do That. It's So Cool.

Just Don't. Feeling Better?

Mmm. Do You Want Me To Leave?

No. I Will If You Want Me To.

I've Always Liked You So Much.

I Like You Too.

I Was Almost Unfaithful To Your Father Once.

I Knew This Was Coming.

He Was A Barber. He Looked Just Like John Forsythe, Only Bald.

And Italian.

I'm Not Sleeping With Larry.

But You Are Thinking About It.

He Makes Me Feel Good. We Talk, We Walk, We Have Fun.

What's So Wrong? This Walk You Are Taking Is Right Into Quicksand.

I Haven't Been Happy With Tom In A Long Time.

Who Says You Are Supposed To Be Happy?

Oh, Excuse Me. I Dare To Want To Be Happy.

As My Mother Used To Say--

Why Always My Problems Have To Be Solved With Proverbs?

You Have A Nice Home, A Beautiful Child. An Unfaithful Husband.

That Doesn't Mean He Doesn't Love You. It Just Means He's Stupid.

I Think Tom, In His Own Way, Wanted To Get Caught Because He's Unhappy Too.

Maria, I Just Want To Ask You A Question...

And Then I'll Shut Up And Mind My Own Business.

Are You Really Ready To Change Your Entire Life And The Life Of Those Close To You...

For A Dance Teacher?

Until You Are Sure,

Don't Do Anything You'll Regret.

Sorry.

Don't Move!

Whoo!

Oak Lane?

'Round The Bend.

- Are You Happy? - About What?

Now, What We've Been Involved In Here In The Green...

Is To Try To Form And To Lay Out--

Hello. We'd Like To Rent One Of Your Cottages, Please.

For How Long?

Uh, Just For The Afternoon. Thanks.

It's Nice.

The Fireplace Works. No Room Service, But The Cafe Off The Highway Delivers.

Menu's By The Phone.

Oh, And Yes, The Paintings Are For Sale.

Well, I Love It.

Nervous?

Mm-Hmm. Me Too.

Oh, Shit. We Broke The Lamp.

I Wanted To Do Something Like That My Entire Life.

Oh, Look. Your Lip's Bleeding.

I Bit My Lip.

Round Three?

What's This?

They're All Yours, Mitchie. I'm Goin' For The Real Thing.

Samurai Hairstylist. Yeah!

I Sure As Hell Hope You Know What You're Doing.

I Don't Know Why I'm Letting You Do This.

Mandarin Egg Rolls, Shrimp Cocktail,

Turkey Club Sandwich...

And Lox With Scrambled Eggs.

Oh, And A Chocolate Cake. Oh, Yeah.

So What Do You Want?

French Fries. Oh. And French Fries, Please.

Lots Of Ketchup. Lots Of Ketchup.

And Wait. Do You Have Any Champagne? Oh, Yeah.

Great. And Please Hurry.

Thank-- Thank You.

That Was Quick. Yes?

It's The Maid. Would You Like The Bed Turned Down?

Uh, No Thank You.

I Better Call Home.

Closer.

Closer Still.

Closer Still.

Closer Still.

I'll Be With Her Till Tom Gets Home.

Don't Worry. Where Are You?

Can I Speak To Chloe, Mama?

Hi, Sweetheart. How Was School Today?

Leonard Pierson Scratched You. This Is Awful.

Are You All Right?

I'm Gonna Be Home A Little Late Tonight.

Why? Because I'm Seeing Some Friends, But I'll Be Home To Kiss You Good Night.

Be A Good Girl For Daddy.

I Love You.

I Had To Lie To My Daughter.

I'll Bet This One Is The First One She Ever Sold.

It's Late.

I'm Sorry I Fell Asleep.

I Fell Asleep Too.

Does Falling Asleep Mean We've Finally Gotten Each Other Out Of Our System?

No. It Means We Were Both Tired.

I'd Better Go.

I'll Call You Tomorrow.

Your Office Called.

Because You Called In Sick, They Wanted To Know If You Were All Right.

Are You All Right? Tom.

If, Um, I Hadn't Acted Like An Idiot, Would This Have Happened?

You Were Just Being You.

Sometimes A Man Thinks He Has To Prove Himself By Being With A Lot Of Women--

Tom, If You're Gonna Tell Me About Your Infidelities,

I Will Have To Leave You Forever.

Oh, Uh--

Chloe's Teacher Would Like To Talk To You.

Are You In Love With Him?

If I Am, I'll Get Over It.

Yeah.

We Were In Love Once Upon A Time.

We Got Over It.

Yeah. Yeah?

You Go Near My Wife Again...

And I'll Kill You.

Hey, Pop. What's The Matter?

My Brother Phil Just Called Me From The Grave.

Said To Stay Away From Edie Or He'd Kill Me.

You Were Dreaming, Pop. Nah.

Ah, She Doesn't Want Me Anyway.

Doesn't Think We're Compatible.

No, Don't Do That. Let Me Make You Breakfast.

- Hi. - I'm Not Leaving 'Cause I'm Angry Or Mad Or Anything.

I Want You To Be Free To Make Up Your Mind.

Where You Going?

My Mom's. I'll Have The Rest Of My Clothes Picked Up Later.

Your Mother Gives You Hives. What Are You Doing?

Not This Time. It's Time I Face Up To Her.

See, I'm Not As Dumb As You Think.

I Think You're The Smartest Person Around Here.

Wait A Minute. Now Shouldn't We Be Talking About This?

No, I've Made Up My Mind. Well, At Least Let Me Help You Here.

You Can Help Me Get A Cab.

So How Did Your Big Date Go Last Night?

Can You Keep A Secret?

Yeah, Sure.

So Can I.

You--

Mrs. Davidow. Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Hardy. Good Morning, Chloe.

Did You Want To Talk To Me? Mm-Hmm. Would You Take Over For A While, Elaine?

I Am Concerned About Chloe's Arm. She Has A Scratch--

Excuse Me! She Said That Leonard Pierson Did It To Her.

You Know, It's Time For Us To Do Some Serious Sharing...

And Interfacing About Chloe, Mrs. Hardy.

Can I Offer You A Cup Of Decaf?

So What Do You Think? Is This Beautiful?

Isn't It Great? Leather, The Whole Thing.

What Do You Say We Go For A Ride? I'll Go Grab The Keys.

Come On. I'll Get The Keys. I'll Be Right Back.

This Is It. I Can Feel It. I Can Smell It.

I'm Taking Them For A Test Drive. I Know It.

I Sell This Beamer, I'm Off To Vegas. I Got 'Em.

I Got 'Em, Got 'Em, Got 'Em!

Oh, My God! My God!

Mel, Can You Open Up That Window? I Wanna Take The 750 For A Test Drive.

Can I Tantalize You With Something In The Meantime? I'm Here To See Tom.

A Mistake, But I'll Be Right Back.

Hi.

So, You're Finally Buying A Car.

Thinking About It.

I'll See You Later. Be Right Back. Got It Definitely Under Control.

I Left Larry.

Are You Crazy? You Stupid Shit!

That Was Really Great. It Was Great.

It Wasn'tsogreat. What Are You Talking About? It Was Great.

No, It Was Different.

Well, It's Different In A Bed. No.

It's Not The Bed. It's Different.

You're Different.

Well, It's Different Now That You're, Uh--

Now That I'm What?

Now That You're, Uh,

On Your Own.

Oh, My God.

I Just Realized Something.

You're One Of Those Men Who Can Only Do This Because You're Married.

You're Not Interested In Anyone You'd Have To Have Responsibility To.

- Calm Down. - I'm Up For A New Position In The Fashion Office.

And I Took Time Out Today Because I Thought That Maybe You--

- You Thought That Maybe I'd What? - Nothing.

There's A Run In My Pantyhose! What's The Matter With You?

I'm Being Tested And...

Punished For My Stupidity!

Oh, I Deserve This.

She Looks Much Better.

Hey, What A Great Surprise.

I Had No Idea How Much I Loved Sanding.

Is Sandpapering Going To Be Your Next Job? I Don't Think So.

I Was Thinking You And Me Ought To Open A Restaurant Someplace.

Why, Do You Cook? No, But I Do Dishes.

A Restaurant? Where?

Somewhere We Can Hang A Sign That Says "Gone Sailing" Anytime We Want.

And People Would Understand? Understand? Are You Kidding Me?

People Will Approve.

And What About Your Son, Wife?

Mitch Goes To Spend Next Term With His Mother In San Francisco,

Then College.

Tish-- I Don't Know What She Wants, But It Certainly Isn't Me.

It Must Be Beautiful Out There.

Does That Mean You're Gonna Come Along?

Chloe Has Been Lying...

About A Boy Attacking Her,

When Actually She Has Been Beating On Him.

The Teacher Thinks She Is Acting Out Her Anger Towards Tom.

The Other Day She Put A Cat In The School Dryer.

The Teacher Thinks It Is 'Cause She Doesn't Get Enough Attention...

'Cause...

I'm Not Doing A Good Enough Job.

No. Now Kids Go Through Stages.

My Husband And My Daughter Need Me.

And Us?

"Us"?

Well, We Do What Generally People Do.

Go On With Their Lives.

Maybe People Aren't Supposed To Be Happy.

No, I Don't Believe That.

I Came To Say Good-Bye. I Know.

Have You Been Crying?

I Have.

I Have Been Crying A Lot Lately.

Making Up For All These Years I Didn't.

I'm Fine.

You Know, I'm Only Sorry We Never Had A Chance To Dance.

You All Gotta Be Crazy! Pop, Please, I Got Enough Problems.

Go Home. I'll Call You. Larry, Listen To Me For Once.

If You Love That Woman The Way I Think You Do, Sometimes You Gotta Fight To The Death.

I'm Familiar With This Philosophy. I Believe It Was Attila The Hun Said It First.

Listen To What Your Father, Vincent Kozinski, Is Saying First, Last And Always.

You've Got Only One Life To Live.

You Can Either Make It Chicken Shit Or Chicken Salad.

Good Chops. I'm Glad You Like Them.

My Favorite. I Know.

Thanks. You're Welcome.

Maybe, Um,

We Can Make Love Later.

Good.

Thank You.

Phil Always Said There Was A Future In Garbage. I Just Never Thought It'd Be My Future.

You Were Very Generous In Your Business Dealings. Very Generous.

Don't Let It Get Around. You Are Not Such A Tough Guy.

No. Tough Guy Might Have Made A Pass At You. But Not You.

No? I'd Say, "I Got This Big Empty House In The Country.

Come And Visit Me And We Can Celebrate."

I'd Say, "I Am Too Old For Traveling."

I Love You, Edie.

My God.

All Right, All Right. Poor Baby. Poor Angel.

Okay, Okay, Okay.

You Still Wanna Kill People?

No, They're Too Stupid. You're Telling Me.

Your Grandfather's About To Marry The Bermuda Triangle.

That's Very Good. Very Good.

God Bless.

Hi, Vince.

Father. Pleasure.

- You Know My Son, I'm Sure. - Nice To See You Again.

Hi. Hi.

You're Late. You've Met Cathy, Haven't You?

Cathy, This Is Tish. Tish, This Is Cathy. Hi.

It's Nice To Meet You.

What? What?

Start! Start!

It's Too Late. I Did It.

Look At Those Kids-- Cute.

Here We Go.

Vincent, Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Wife?

- Yeah. Can I Kiss Her? - Not Yet.

Say "I Will." I Will.

Edie, Will You Take This Man To Be Your Husband?

I Will.

Vincent And Edie, You Have Made This Solemn Covenant...

Of Marriage Before God And This Company.

Always Follow Your Bliss. Always Follow What Your Heart Says.

I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife.

You May Kiss The Bride.

At This Point, Ladies And Gentlemen, We Need A Volunteer From The Audience.

- Somebody Who Wouldn't Mind Lending Us A Hand... - Me. Sit, Sit, Sit.

Or Perhaps His Whole Body.

I Think We Have One Here. How Are You, Sir? What's Your Name?

Hi. How Are You?

Stan, We're Going To Ask You To Remove Your Jacket.

And Michelle Will Help You Off With It There.

Another Girl In Here? Try Not To Be Funnier Than The Magician, Stan.

Just Lie Down. Make Yourself Comfortable.

- We Don't Have To Stay Here Long. - I'm Fine.

But I Don't Want You To Feel Uncomfortable.

Why Would I Feel Uncomfortable? I'm Not If You're Not.

Okay.

And--

Easy, Boy. Okay, Here We Go.

Ready? Ow. That's Good.

Congratulations On Your Promotion.

It Agrees With You. You've Never Looked More Beautiful.

Thank You. I've Redone The Apartment.

It's Sort Of Postmodern Meets The Jetsons.

You Should Come And See It Sometime. I Will. I Will.

I'm Good Now. I'm Good.

And Don't Go Away.

- You Want A Drink? - No Thank You.

I'm Gonna Get A Drink.

We're Going To Show You Something Really Puzzling.

I'm Sorry. Larry, Do You Know Why I Married You?

My Money?

Your Eyes. I Thought A Man With Your Eyes Would Never Hurt A Woman.

Have I?

No.

Good Luck, Larry.

Thank You.

Now, Stan, What We're Going To Do Is Introduce You To A Little Friend Of Mine,

Sammy The Saw.

You Wanna Go Home? Good. Let's Talk To Daddy. We'll Go Home, Okay?

He Didn't Have That Much To Begin With.

You Know, I Came This Close To Having Her.

Ah!

Ready?

That Was Fantastic. But We're Not Finished Yet.

Put Him Together Later On. I Wanna Dance With My Wife. Give Us A Waltz.

They Look So Sweet.

Hi.

Hi.

Tell Your Story Walking, Larry.

Maria, Would You Dance With Me?

No, She Won't. Please, Tom. Larry, No.

Well, Then How 'Bout Spending The Rest Of Your Life With Me?

- What Are You Talking About? - I Haven't Hit Another Human Since The Eighth Grade,

But If You Wanna Fight, I Will Fight.

Please, Please. Fine.

- Hmph! - What's Going On Here?

Pop, Please, Will You? I'm Trying To Make Chicken Salad Out Of Chicken Shit Here.

Maria, Everyone Is Looking.

Wait A Minute. I've Kept My Part Of The Bargain For Chloe's Sake.

Maybe Chloe Deserves More Than A Bargain, Tom.

You Come And Get In The Car With Me Right Now Or I'm Leaving You For Good.

Larry Kozinski, I Would Love To Dance With You.

Dance! Please, Everybody Dance! Dance!

I'm Taking My Present Back.

Yoo-Hoo.

Mitch. Come On, Mitch.

Here We Go. Mitch, Come On.

Come On, Quick. We're Gonna Leave. Come On, Please.

Come On, Mitch. Hurry Up. Mitch.

No, Dad. Dad, Stop It.

What Are You Doing? What Are You Doing? Come On.