All language subtitles for Bless the Harts s02e12 The Dogchurian Candidate.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,472 (moaning) 2 00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:09,476 Ugh, I hate when people do that. He clearly just wants someone 3 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,978 to ask what he's sighing about. 4 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,746 I mean, get to the point, Miss Thing. 5 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,014 I'm trying to restart "Miss Thing." 6 00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:17,417 Well, it was fun while it lasted, I guess, 7 00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:20,487 but I guess hard work and a lifetime of public service 8 00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:23,657 means nothing to this town. 9 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,159 Mayor Webb does this every time his term is up. 10 00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:29,963 He just mopes around until somebody begs him to run again. 11 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,932 Well, thank God for the Last Supper. 12 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,600 Cause when I'm no longer mayor, 13 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,103 this here booth's gonna be my home. 14 00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:37,371 Oh, no, no, no, no, we cannot have 15 00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:38,539 that Eeyore here all the time. 16 00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:39,940 He will drive us crazy. 17 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,675 You know what? I'm gonna get ahead of this, 18 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,544 go over there and give him a little pep talk. 19 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,546 Here's the pep talk Mayor Webb needs: 20 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,548 shave those face pubes, cry less, 21 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:50,784 move out of your mother's condo, kill yourself. 22 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,320 Mayor Webb, I just came over here to say we all want you 23 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,488 to run for reelection. 24 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,689 The town needs you, man. 25 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,191 Really? Aw, that's so nice. 26 00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:00,827 I mean, I wasn't fishing or anything, but thank you 27 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,730 for your unprompted support. 28 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,234 Speaking of, my mother usually helps with my campaign, 29 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,170 but... (crying) 30 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,905 ...she passed. 31 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,641 Oh, really? Oh, Mayor Webb, I'm so sorry. 32 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,945 No, no, it's totally fine. 33 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,681 I guess maybe I could help you? 34 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,149 Whoa, jackpot! (laughs) 35 00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:25,152 Hey, see you tomorrow, Ms. Campaign Manager. 36 00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:26,620 Campaign manager? 37 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,922 â™Ș â™Ș 38 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,054 Explain to me again why Mayor Webb 39 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,389 needs a campaign manager. 40 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,790 He's running unopposed. 41 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,592 Is he scared he might lose to Greenpoint's 42 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,961 favorite write‐in candidate, "Farts"? 43 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:10,664 I know it's ridiculous, but I had no choice. 44 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,399 If he doesn't win, he's gonna be hanging around 45 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,900 the Last Supper constantly. 46 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,470 Plus, did you know his mother just passed away? 47 00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:18,805 Oh, no. He must be devastated. 48 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,807 They're so, mm, weirdly close. 49 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,576 Weren't they married at some point? 50 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,111 I'm pretty sure that's just a rumor. 51 00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:26,179 See, I love that nobody ever runs against Webb, 52 00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:28,915 because I can't stand what elections do to people. 53 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,918 Arguments breaking out, Thanksgivings ruined, 54 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,588 the normally calming oases of Facebook and Twitter 55 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,123 becoming war zones. 56 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,825 I honestly wish every election was unopposed. 57 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,094 ‐What? ‐Yeah. 58 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:44,131 Just one guy‐‐ or lady‐‐ in every election. 59 00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:47,434 It makes it easier on everybody. No choice necessary. 60 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,704 Wayne, I don't know how to tell you this, but that's fascism. 61 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,205 (scoffs) No way. 62 00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,841 It's just one person who looks out for us, 63 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:58,278 and we do not question him, no matter what. 64 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,747 How can you vote and I can't? 65 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,616 Why are you helping that fool? 66 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,918 A dustpan with a face would be a better mayor. 67 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,120 Even the guy I usually vote for, Farts, 68 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,588 would make a better mayor. 69 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,724 Now here's a town in Texas that has a cute 70 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,325 little doggy for a mayor. 71 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:15,228 They used to be known for having a lake that caught on fire. 72 00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:16,797 I mean, the lake is still on fire, 73 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,932 but now they got a dog mayor. 74 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,401 That's what you call smart PR. 75 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,836 What do you have against Webb? 76 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,838 That man's had a personal vendetta against me 77 00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,606 since the moment he took office. 78 00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:28,475 Okay, Miss Thing. 79 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,611 What? I heard that's coming back. 80 00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:34,247 Why, just last week, that dumb‐butt Webb 81 00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:35,749 refused to waive a parking ticket 82 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,018 that I received for no reason. 83 00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,619 There I was, just trying 84 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,989 to get myself a toasty beef sandwich. 85 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,759 The Quiznos parking lot was a zoo, as always, 86 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:49,162 so I parked in my usual spot, across the street. 87 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,866 ‐(sirens wailing) ‐And they had the gall to ticket me. 88 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:56,603 So, naturally, once I'd obtained my fresh beef sandwich, 89 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,038 I marched on down to city hall 90 00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,474 and gave the mayor a piece of my mind. 91 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:02,142 Betty, I can't cancel your ticket. 92 00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:03,944 You're blocking the emergency room. 93 00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:06,446 There's a sign and everything, not that it needs a sign. 94 00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:09,049 Because it's a friggin' emergency room. 95 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:11,218 Oh, so, what‐‐ now if you want to use that spot, 96 00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,053 you have to drive an ambulance? 97 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,489 Everyone in town driving an ambulance? 98 00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:16,823 What, no more cars? 99 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,259 Well, goodbye, Detroit. Have a nice life. 100 00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:21,061 Congrats, China, you win. 101 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:23,396 And it's all thanks 102 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:26,299 to Mayor Carrol "Pube Face" Webb, 103 00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:29,069 who you have chosen to work for. 104 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,303 I am done talking now. 105 00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,706 ‐Storming off. ‐(sighs) 106 00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:37,744 Here's my office. This is where the magic happens. 107 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,913 Oh, did you know I'm also an amateur magician? 108 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,315 Watch the quarter. (chuckles) 109 00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:44,518 (choking) 110 00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,253 Ta‐da. 111 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,021 Let's just go over what kind of help you're gonna need. 112 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,757 Knock, knock. A citizen has arrived. 113 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,959 (groans) What are you doing here? 114 00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,095 Well, now that I have someone on the inside, 115 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:58,098 I've got some parking tickets that need to be shredded. 116 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,266 (truck beeping) 117 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,202 Betty, you can't park on the grass. 118 00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:05,038 Oh, so now every inch of land has to be paved? 119 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,274 No green space in the whole city? 120 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,042 Think of the drainage issues. 121 00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,912 This man will have us living in Waterworld. 122 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,548 Get used to the taste of your own filtered pee‐pee, 123 00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,149 ladies and gentlemen. 124 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,417 Get out of here, Mother. 125 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,821 Gladly. Storm and slam. 126 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,325 Look at that. 127 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,894 You see how nice politics can be when you run unopposed? 128 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,229 Now doesn't that feel good? 129 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:31,097 No one fighting about anything. 130 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:35,235 It's like a warm hug that says, "Shh, it's done already." 131 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:37,737 Ooh, that's another good slogan. 132 00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,975 No one else is picking up on 133 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:44,110 the obvious authoritarian vibes here? 134 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,079 Just me? Cool, cool. 135 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:49,082 Hello, Greenpointers. I'm Jenny Hart. 136 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,917 (whoops) I know her! 137 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,954 Hi, David. And I am proud to be the campaign manager 138 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,121 for Mayor Webb. 139 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,757 You all know him, you've seen him around. 140 00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,860 And, now, I know he's running unopposed... 141 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,661 ‐BETTY: Or is he? ‐(crowd gasps) 142 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,097 Dear Lord. Please do not tell me 143 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,365 you are running for mayor. 144 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:06,867 Oh, don't worry. I'm not. 145 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,702 But I am the campaign manager 146 00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:10,871 for a very exciting new candidate. 147 00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:14,207 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 148 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,709 your next mayor, 149 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,711 ‐Root Beer. ‐(barking) 150 00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:19,946 Oh, please, Mother. People are not gonna fall for... 151 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,715 CROWD: Aw! 152 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,717 (indistinct chatter) 153 00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:25,819 A dog mayor? That'll put us on the map. 154 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,420 He's wearing a cowboy hat. 155 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,723 (laughs) Like a real American. 156 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,458 Maybe we'll get to be on the fourth hour 157 00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,159 of The Today Show. 158 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,561 A dog mayor? 159 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:37,230 That's just what this town needs. 160 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,065 ‐(crowd oohing) ‐(laughs) 161 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,166 Root Beer licked my knee. 162 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,135 ‐Root Beer licked my knee. ‐CROWD: Aw. 163 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,505 Mother... 164 00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:51,578 ‐(barks) ‐(crowd cheering) 165 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,813 Mother. Why are you doing this to me? 166 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,682 I'm not doing it against you. 167 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:59,419 I'm doing it against that corduroy noodle of a mayor. 168 00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:01,354 Ugh, where did you even get that dog? 169 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,189 What? This is my dog. 170 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,425 Come here, Root Beer. 171 00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,961 CROWD: Aw. 172 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,430 Oh, I didn't know your mom was into politics. 173 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:12,766 She's not. She is only into herself, 174 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,035 no matter how many lives are ruined in the process. 175 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,070 Our only hope now is that she loses steam 176 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:20,106 and moves onto one of her many other vendettas. 177 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,208 ‐(phones ringing) ‐BETTY: I am not losing steam. 178 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,312 Cancel my many other vendettas. 179 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,980 Well, good morning, sleepyhead. 180 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,816 Looks like your campaign's getting off to a late start. 181 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,118 Mother, it's 6:00 in the morning. 182 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,120 Oh, is it that late already? 183 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,958 I've had a busy morning putting together my staff. 184 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:42,562 Including the best social media team Greenpoint has to offer. 185 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,397 Sorry, Mom. We thought about it, 186 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,599 and we just really want a dog mayor. 187 00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,401 Also, she's paying us a hundred dollars each. 188 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,671 You're paying all these people? Where is this money coming from? 189 00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:54,040 The donations are rolling in. 190 00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:57,077 Hey, listen, Betty. When y'all win, 191 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,179 you got to get the food inspector off my back. 192 00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:02,515 My girls can't be expected to dance in hairnets. 193 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:05,518 Now city hall will stop bothering me 194 00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:07,187 for stealing people's mail. 195 00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:09,422 Thank you, Root Beer. 196 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,891 I need to have my house rezoned. 197 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:14,928 I want to open an American Ninja Warrior practice gym. 198 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,864 So you're just openly taking bribes? 199 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,200 ‐(phone ringing) ‐What the hell is going on out here? 200 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:23,303 Just my mother finding new and unique ways to ruin my life. 201 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:26,106 Okay, this right here is why I don't like two‐party elections. 202 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,274 It's already bringing out the worst in people. 203 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,276 I see no other solution except that I have to go dig up 204 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,780 some dirt on this dog and disappear him ASAP. 205 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,951 One candidate, one choice, everyone happy, or else. 206 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:40,887 Jenny. Bad news flash. 207 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,655 A bunch of raccoons took over my office. 208 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,290 It's my fault. 209 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,892 I left a bunch of drinkable yogurts on the fax machine. 210 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,328 We got to run the campaign out of here now. 211 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,729 Oh, God. 212 00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:51,831 All right, listen, we are in a fight now. 213 00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,666 I am not gonna lose to her. 214 00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:56,069 Don't you mean I'm not gonna lose to that dog? 215 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,103 Shut up. 216 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,772 No, I changed my mind. 217 00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,240 I don't want you to shut up. 218 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:01,674 I want you to get up, stand up 219 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,943 And somehow transform yourself into a leader. 220 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:07,147 Now give me a sound‐bite, give me a quotable. 221 00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,083 My mother usually helps me with that, 222 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,718 but she passed. 223 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,520 (sighs) That's a terrible sound‐bite. 224 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:15,021 What is that in your hand? 225 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,690 ‐A two‐piece chicken nuggets. ‐What the hell? 226 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,726 Do you order from a toddler's menu? 227 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,728 Think about the optics. (grunts) 228 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:25,098 Whoa. Mom, this might be a bad time to tell you this, 229 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,966 cause it seems like you're already mad, 230 00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,368 but I think we just made something 231 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,769 that's gonna make you mad. 232 00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,571 ‐Try not to be more mad. Bye. ‐Consider this 233 00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,007 a professional courtesy. Bye. 234 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:37,577 BETTY: America. Patriatizium. 235 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,879 Greenpoint. Root Beer. 236 00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:43,550 Root Beer has what it takes to lead Greenpoint. 237 00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:44,884 He has vowed to change 238 00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:48,588 our outdated parking laws on day one. 239 00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:51,925 He will build dozens of more Quiznos. 240 00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:54,594 We need a real American hero 241 00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:57,097 to turn this crap town around. 242 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,632 Root Beer proudly served overseas 243 00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:02,602 as a bomb‐sniffing K‐9. 244 00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:05,004 And, unlike Mayor Webb, 245 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,842 Root Beer will recognize Martin Luther King Day. 246 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:12,112 What? I love MLK. Junior and Senior. 247 00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:15,648 Real classy, Mother. Just spreading lies. 248 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:18,151 Satisfied smirk. 249 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,954 WAYNE: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me. 250 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:23,623 I hear you have some dirt on Root Beer. 251 00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:25,592 Root Beer? Oh, yeah. 252 00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:27,927 There is a lot of dirt on this dog. 253 00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:29,829 (whoops) That's what I'm talking about. 254 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,931 Well, I should say, there was a lot of dirt on him, 255 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:34,267 when he arrived at the shelter. 256 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,035 He's a hurricane survivor. 257 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:37,337 (sighs) 258 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:40,106 But he did give me this scar. 259 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,841 ‐(whoops) ‐How else was that little hero 260 00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:44,210 gonna pull me out of my burning car? 261 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,813 ‐(sighs) ‐I'll tell you one thing, though. 262 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,450 That dog put a lot of kids in the hospital. 263 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,051 ‐(whoops) ‐Oop‐‐ nope, sorry. 264 00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:54,821 I should have said visited a lot of kids in the hospital. 265 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,990 I don't know why I said "put." 266 00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:58,691 Oh, what is wrong with you, lady? 267 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:02,061 Like I said, I'm not so good with people. 268 00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:03,396 Uh, you never said that. 269 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,131 Welp, thanks for your no help. 270 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,566 Pleasure's all mine. 271 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,269 Now I got to go put all these dogs down. 272 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,070 ‐Oh, no! ‐No, no, no, no, no. 273 00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:14,941 I mean it's their nap time. I'm gonna read 'em this. 274 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,210 Good Lord. 275 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,082 You're getting powned by a dog. 276 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,518 Do you understand everyone in this town 277 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,986 is working for Root Beer? 278 00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:28,755 All we have is just you, me and Wayne. 279 00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:29,756 ‐(door opens) ‐WAYNE: Guys, 280 00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:31,424 ‐I quit. ‐What? 281 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:32,926 I tried to dig up dirt on Root Beer, 282 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,261 and all I found was heroic stories. 283 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:38,698 Do you know how many toddlers he has rescued from wells? 284 00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:41,034 26, Jenny. 26! 285 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,468 He's the perfect leader. 286 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,304 He wags the wag and he barks the bark. 287 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:47,106 Does everyone forget what I've done for this town? 288 00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:49,776 I was wagging and barking for years. 289 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,778 Remember when I played Sandy the dog 290 00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:53,613 in our community theater production of Annie? 291 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,481 What happened to just wanting one candidate? 292 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,785 Nothing. But that one candidate needs to be Root Beer. 293 00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:00,453 I think you should drop out, 294 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,957 and everyone should just accept Root Beer as their leader. 295 00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:06,893 Look at this poster I made for our sovereign ruler. 296 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,062 Wayne, I'm starting to hear some of the subtle stuff 297 00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:10,263 Violet was picking up on. 298 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,765 Just go take your supreme leader for a walk. 299 00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,667 Ha‐ha‐ho, it would be an honor. 300 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,737 Whoo, looks like it's just you and me now, Jenny. 301 00:12:17,804 --> 00:12:19,739 Yeah, I can already feel us bonding. 302 00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:21,507 Now, after we lose, 303 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,076 we can take a little trip together. 304 00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:25,078 There's a Renaissance faire in Boone 305 00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:26,112 with our names on it. 306 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,513 Now, I know what you're thinking‐‐ 307 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,581 "I have nothing to wear"‐‐ 308 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,483 but worry not, milady. 309 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,619 You can don Mother's bar wench outfit. 310 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,088 (singsongy): It's pretty revealing. 311 00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:36,689 ‐(laughs) ‐Stop, 312 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,157 you baby‐handed mouse. 313 00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:40,093 We are not going to the Renaissance faire 314 00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:42,095 because we are not gonna lose this election. 315 00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:43,930 We're going dirty. 316 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,498 â™Ș â™Ș 317 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,275 â™Ș 318 00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,744 ‐Aah! ‐(all gasp) 319 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,455 (people screaming, shrieking) 320 00:13:16,863 --> 00:13:19,132 JENNY: Climate change. 321 00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,266 Taxes. 322 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,434 Gas prices. 323 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,969 Long lines. 324 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,070 Traffic. 325 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,238 Inflation. 326 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,840 Time‐lapse of an elephant decomposing. 327 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:28,641 ISIS. 328 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:30,176 Final goodbyes. 329 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,577 Root Beer. 330 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,413 What do those things have in common? 331 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,282 Do you really want to find out? 332 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,184 I'm Mayor "Bullseye" Webb. 333 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,819 And I approve this message. 334 00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,421 That's why they call me... 335 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:42,989 Bullseye! (chuckles) 336 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:46,793 How the hell did you make that, Stephanie Spleelburg? 337 00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:48,328 Let's just say I had some help 338 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,530 from your former social media team. 339 00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:52,932 You little baby Judases. 340 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,867 Gram, you totally stiffed us. 341 00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:57,770 And when we confronted you, you fired us. 342 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,672 So much for loyalty. 343 00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,474 That commercial was way out of line. 344 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,076 See, this is why we need Root Beer 345 00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:04,811 in charge of the media, Miss Thing. 346 00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:06,379 Okay, he's completely wrong. 347 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,580 But he did nail that "Miss Thing." 348 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,248 I am telling you, it is back. 349 00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:11,250 Good evening, Miss Things. 350 00:14:11,317 --> 00:14:14,420 Well, we have finally arrived at election night. 351 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,888 Ooh, oh, whoa. 352 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:18,257 Root Beer the dog had a commanding lead, 353 00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:21,627 but after a spate of horrific campaign events 354 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,163 and a recent barrage of attack ads, 355 00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,966 experts are calling the election a toss‐up. 356 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,402 (cheering) 357 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,070 Guys, this is almost over. 358 00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:34,640 Now, can't you two lunatics just shake hands and move on? 359 00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:37,777 Mother, like the dog you work for, 360 00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:40,279 I did not roll over. Not this time. 361 00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:41,948 You might not have rolled over, 362 00:14:42,014 --> 00:14:44,751 but in the end, you'll be playing dead. 363 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:48,254 Wow, that could not have backfired more spectacularly. 364 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,190 Breaking news. With all precincts reporting, 365 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,592 we have a winner. 366 00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:56,429 Greenpoint's next mayor will be... 367 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:57,830 â™Ș â™Ș 368 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:02,301 ...Root Beer! Ooh‐wee! 369 00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:03,569 ‐(cheering) ‐(barks) 370 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,204 (applause) 371 00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:07,106 (whoops) Suck it, y'all! 372 00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:09,409 Things are about to change around here. 373 00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:14,313 As per Root Beer, all parking tickets are now null and void. 374 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,617 ‐(cheering, whooping) ‐(barking) 375 00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:22,488 And starting right now, we're doing reverse weekends. 376 00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:25,224 Two days on, five days off. 377 00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,660 Party all week. 378 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,162 ‐(whooping) ‐Yes! 379 00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:33,566 And stop signs are now "Hurry The Hell Up" signs! 380 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:37,737 And instead of giving tickets, cops are now Coinstar machines. 381 00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,239 ‐And pennies are worth a dollar. ‐(cash register dinging) 382 00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:41,741 And dollars are worth a nickel. 383 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:44,577 Anything can be a coupon. 384 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:46,245 And anyone can fly any helicopter. 385 00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:49,081 And if your name starts with a "B" and ends with "Y," 386 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:52,084 guess what‐‐ you get one full box of wine every day. 387 00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,654 Also, we're bringing back milkmen, 388 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,322 but only if they're hot and willing. 389 00:15:56,389 --> 00:16:00,460 And I'm the final say. On that and everything. 390 00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,028 (cheering) 391 00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:04,363 And, Wayne, you'll like this one. 392 00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:06,265 No more elections. 393 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:09,035 Okay, shoot. I get it now. 394 00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:10,703 Democracy's good. 395 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:14,307 Now, let's get to work on those statues. Root Beer? 396 00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:15,975 Root Beer? 397 00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:18,678 (barks) 398 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,651 Oh, don't give me that judgy look of yours. 399 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,653 Sure, everybody loves you, but you don't know 400 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,922 what you're doing. You're a dog. 401 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,291 Yes, it is technically kidnapping. 402 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:33,759 But someone had to do something. 403 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,928 Look, I'm not gonna feel guilty about this. 404 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,063 We are doing 405 00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:40,132 the right thing. 406 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,135 And don't give me those eyes about the car ride. 407 00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:44,570 You had your head stuck out the window 408 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:45,938 and you were loving it. 409 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,907 Your snoot was going all over the place. 410 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,342 (barks) 411 00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:51,077 Just work with me, Root Beer. 412 00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:53,446 Okay, we need to get you incognito. 413 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:57,783 The goal is somewhere between Joan Jett and Rick Springfield. 414 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,418 Just let me do my thing. 415 00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,354 Where is the mayor‐elect? 416 00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,890 I made him this dog‐sized sash. 417 00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,058 The dog hasn't been seen in hours. 418 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,060 Where the hell are you, you dumb rat? 419 00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:09,595 I found his leash. 420 00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,597 That's certainly not a good sign. 421 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,933 Whoops, sorry. Ha. That's my leash. 422 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,702 Do not ask what it's for. It's for sex. 423 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,938 We're officially without a mayor. 424 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:21,774 That means all laws are suspended! 425 00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:24,410 ‐Ooh! ‐(cheering, shouting) 426 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,546 Violet, have you seen your mother? 427 00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,615 Yes, Wayne. My eyes were focused on my mom 428 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,584 while Brenda put on a dog collar 429 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,753 and both Randy's legs bent the wrong way. 430 00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,389 You could have just said no, Vi. 431 00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:38,424 (phone rings) 432 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,625 Jenny, where are you? 433 00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:40,960 I'm at the grocery store. 434 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,795 Wow, they have some really good deals 435 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,230 on ground turkey right now. 436 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,632 Jenny, don't you lie to me about turkey deals. 437 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,401 I know you took Root Beer. 438 00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:49,902 And since you're a Hart woman, 439 00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:51,571 I'm guessing you've already crossed state lines 440 00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:52,838 and started dying your hair. 441 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,341 Actually, I am right at state lines, 442 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,610 and I am dying... Root Beer's hair. 443 00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:00,246 So you're wrong on both counts. Ha! I win. 444 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:03,082 Jenny, come on. There's been too much mudslinging and lies. 445 00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:04,450 It's truth time. 446 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,085 You're crazy. Your mom's crazy. 447 00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:08,521 Now, just bring that dog back, and let's stop this chaos. 448 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,756 No. I am not giving her the satisfaction. 449 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,191 Stay still, Root Beer. 450 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,526 WAYNE: Then what are you gonna do? 451 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,860 I got it all worked out. 452 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,696 I'm gonna change my name to "Donna Romero." 453 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,531 Root Beer will become a Latino dog named "Chacho." 454 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,232 We'll move every three months, 455 00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:22,568 and I'll communicate with you guys via coded Craigslist ads. 456 00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,070 (sighs) Perfect plan. 457 00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:26,973 Well, before I say goodbye to you forever, 458 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:29,208 I just want to give you a little advice. 459 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,378 The only way you're gonna find peace is to figure out a way 460 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,980 not to let your mother get to you. 461 00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:37,783 She's not ever gonna change, so don't let her change you. 462 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,253 Oh, well. 463 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,956 Might as well finish the look before we go home. 464 00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:48,661 Uh, what happened? 465 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,496 Yeah, your mother's the only one in charge. 466 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,631 That's what happened. 467 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,766 Mother, Root Beer's back. 468 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,735 What are y'all talking about? 469 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,169 Root Beer's right here. 470 00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,471 I don't even want to know. 471 00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:00,406 Mother, this has gotten way out of hand. 472 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:04,043 I'm sorry for my part in it, but you need to step down ASAP. 473 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,912 â™Ș â™Ș 474 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,052 Agreed. This job majorly sucks. 475 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,187 ‐Huh? ‐Everyone wants me to make good 476 00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:16,522 on their bribes. 477 00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,391 Stream of losers flowing in here, 478 00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:19,725 ‐asking for handouts. ‐(sirens wailing) 479 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,727 Plus, for reasons I do not understand, 480 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,030 the town is suddenly in chaos. 481 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,766 I think I know someone who can help. 482 00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:32,371 Oh, you don't really want me to take over as assistant mayor. 483 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:33,472 (sputters) 484 00:19:33,539 --> 00:19:35,408 (groans) 485 00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:37,209 Oh, please, please. 486 00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:38,611 We do, Mayor Webb. 487 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,047 Yes, you're the best. 488 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,715 We need you so bad. 489 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,917 WOMAN: Is that the census taker, Carrol? 490 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:47,319 Hey! Is‐is that your mother in there? 491 00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:48,621 The one and only. 492 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,891 I thought... you said... she passed! 493 00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:54,660 Yeah, passed on being my campaign manager. 494 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,429 What else could that possibly mean? 495 00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:57,730 Oh, my God, listen to me. 496 00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,398 You're the only person in this town 497 00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,901 who likes filling out dumb forms and balancing stupid budgets. 498 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,736 So stop feeling sorry for yourself, 499 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:07,473 pull up your big boy corduroys, and just take the job! 500 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,576 (laughs) I accept! 501 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:11,610 Thank God. 502 00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:13,612 Here, take your boss for a walk. 503 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,614 He's your responsibility now. 504 00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:17,516 I get to keep the mayor? 505 00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:20,086 MOTHER WEBB: Carrol, did you draw my bath? 506 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,588 Better get on it, or I'll have no choice 507 00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:23,823 but to grab the paddle! 508 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,459 Wives... I‐I mean mothers, right? 509 00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,160 (laughs) Got to love 'em. 510 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,197 Well, I guess our relationship could be a lot more messed up. 511 00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:32,698 It sure could. 512 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,033 WEBB: All right, your bath 513 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,769 and sponge boy are ready, Miss Thing! 514 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,739 And "Miss Thing" is dead. 515 00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:46,145 I'll have the hot meat sandwich, please. 516 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:48,013 I don't know what that is, ma'am. 517 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,181 Oh, sure you do. 518 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,549 You make it for me all the time. 519 00:20:50,616 --> 00:20:52,384 Is Chrissy here? She'll make it. 520 00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:54,286 No one named Chrissy works here. 521 00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:55,688 Oh, sure, she does. Chrissy! 522 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,790 No Chrissy has ever worked here. 523 00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,058 Chrissy'll sort this out. 524 00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,760 Meanwhile, I'll just have a P'Zone. 525 00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:01,761 We don't have that. 526 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,262 You're out of P'Zones? 527 00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:04,630 That's not a product we make. 528 00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:06,065 I think that's Pizza Hut. 529 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,567 Hand to God, Chrissy made me a P'Zone here 530 00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:09,668 just last Saturday. 531 00:21:09,735 --> 00:21:11,403 Ma'am, that had to have been 532 00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:12,805 a completely different restaurant. 533 00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:14,740 Geez, this place has really gone downhill 534 00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:16,142 since Chrissy left. 535 00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,077 Okay, I have a partial sandwich in my purse. 536 00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:20,079 Could y'all just run it through your toasting conveyor belt 537 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:21,180 ‐for me? ‐No. 538 00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:23,249 I don't understand why y'all's slogan 539 00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:24,650 is "have it your way." 540 00:21:24,717 --> 00:21:26,652 ‐(meows) ‐(horn honks musically) 541 00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:28,687 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 542 00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:29,989 and TOYOTA. 543 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:34,589 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40651

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