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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,367 --> 00:00:08,267 [Crowd chatter] 2 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:16,074 OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN from 3.49 USD/month ----> osdb.link/vpn 3 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:43,166 Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr! 4 00:00:43,167 --> 00:00:47,434 [Cheers and applause] 5 00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:53,066 All right. Thank you! 6 00:00:53,067 --> 00:00:55,166 Thank you. Thank you, sir. 7 00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:57,900 How are ya? How's it going? 8 00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:01,500 All right. [Cheers and applause] 9 00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:03,533 All right, all right, all right, all right. 10 00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:07,299 All right, everybody settle down. 11 00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,800 I wanna get a gun. 12 00:01:10,801 --> 00:01:13,333 I do. I really do. 13 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,032 I never had that feeling before 14 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,466 till I moved out to Los Angeles. 15 00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,800 This city just messes with your mind, you know? 16 00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:21,399 It's overpopulated, 17 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,600 technically doesn't have a water supply. 18 00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:27,199 Right? The dollar's crashing. 19 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,666 Shit keeps you up at night. You're just thinking... 20 00:01:29,667 --> 00:01:32,199 "What am I gonna do when the zombies come?" 21 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,733 Right? 22 00:01:33,734 --> 00:01:37,099 Start reading up on shit. "Get some powdered food. 23 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:40,032 Plant some zucchini. 24 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:43,566 Get a windmill." Right? 25 00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:45,166 And that's all well and good, 26 00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,166 but if you don't know how to fight, 27 00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:48,967 all you're doing is gathering supplies 28 00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:51,700 for the toughest guy on the block. 29 00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:53,032 Right? 30 00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:54,132 I was thinking about that. 31 00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:55,100 What am I gonna do 32 00:01:55,101 --> 00:01:56,733 if some dude turns me upside down, 33 00:01:56,734 --> 00:02:00,766 starts shaking the gold coins outta my pockets? 34 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,967 I gotta get a gun. 35 00:02:02,968 --> 00:02:05,500 So I'm on the road, right? I'm in Reno. 36 00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:07,433 Great gun town. 37 00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:09,666 So I go down to that little gun store, right? 38 00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:11,500 Come walking in. There's some redneck there. 39 00:02:11,501 --> 00:02:13,233 I'm like, "Hey, man." I go, "I wanna get a gun." 40 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,533 He's like, "I hear ya. Whatcha looking for? 41 00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,967 Whatcha want? Mossberg? Over/under? 42 00:02:17,968 --> 00:02:19,733 A .357 Magnum? Right?" 43 00:02:19,734 --> 00:02:22,900 Starts rattling off all this gibberish, right? 44 00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:25,433 I don't know shit. I'm trying to play it off. 45 00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:26,766 I feel like a bitch, 46 00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:29,266 'cause I don't know anything about guns. 47 00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:31,132 So I was like, "What do I do here? 48 00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:33,533 Ah, hell, I'm gonna go with honesty." 49 00:02:33,534 --> 00:02:35,733 I go, "Look, dude, I don't know anything about guns. 50 00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:36,800 They terrify me. 51 00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:39,132 But I'm worried about the zombies. 52 00:02:39,133 --> 00:02:40,800 All right?" 53 00:02:40,801 --> 00:02:44,099 Dude's just like... "You need a shotgun. 54 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:47,967 You need a shotgun, man. It's got a good spread. 55 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,700 It's easy to load, doesn't have a lot of working parts. 56 00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:53,233 Got a good spread." He kept saying that. 57 00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:55,166 "It's got a good spread." 58 00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:57,366 I'm like, "What does that mean?" 59 00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,999 He goes, "Well, that means you ain't gotta be that accurate. 60 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,399 It's got a good spread. Further away you are, 61 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,266 the more shit you hit. 62 00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:06,600 It's got a good spread. 63 00:03:06,601 --> 00:03:08,333 In fact, you got a problem over here, 64 00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:11,500 you ain't even gotta look. You just turn... pow! That's it. 65 00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:14,666 You ain't got a problem over here anymore. 66 00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:17,032 Anything that was even remotely a problem 67 00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:19,900 ain't there anymore. Trust me. 68 00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:22,333 And then these people here... they saw what you just did here. 69 00:03:22,334 --> 00:03:24,333 You ain't got a problem here either... feel me? 70 00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:27,533 90 degrees taken care of right there... one shot. 71 00:03:27,534 --> 00:03:29,800 These people get smart, flip it over... whap! 72 00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:33,099 That's it. It's got a good spread." 73 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,166 So I'm, like, laughing my ass off. 74 00:03:35,167 --> 00:03:37,733 I'm like, "Dude, look. I just wanna shoot the guy. 75 00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:39,900 I don't want to have to do a bunch of drywall work. 76 00:03:39,901 --> 00:03:41,132 You know? 77 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:44,900 Reframe my diploma. Get my parakeet another friend. 78 00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:48,132 You know? I just wanna shoot the guy." 79 00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,533 So I'm like, "You know, how 'bout one of these pistols?" 80 00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,933 So he does, like, that classic, like, 81 00:03:51,934 --> 00:03:53,433 that redneck trailing off thing 82 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,900 like, "All right, you want a pistol, 83 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,900 go ahead and get a pistol... 84 00:03:56,901 --> 00:04:00,132 What do I know? I just been here 20 years. 85 00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:02,666 Get a shiny one, right?" 86 00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:05,466 So I was like, "What's wrong with getting a pistol?" 87 00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:06,933 He goes, "I'll tell you why, buddy. 88 00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:10,132 'Cause life... Life ain't a movie. 89 00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,833 You feel me?" 90 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,566 I'm like, "No, can you please stop speaking 91 00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,366 in these backwoods riddles? 92 00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:17,900 Can you just say what you're saying? 93 00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:19,466 I told you I don't know shit about guns. 94 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,366 Come on, do me a solid here." 95 00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:22,933 He goes, "Look, you ever watch a movie, 96 00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,600 guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw... he kills three people. 97 00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:26,900 Real life, man, you miss. 98 00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:29,299 You miss all the fucking time. 99 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,433 You miss enough times, man, you're empty. 100 00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:32,733 Might as well juts be standing there 101 00:04:32,734 --> 00:04:35,600 with a big stapler in your hand. 102 00:04:35,601 --> 00:04:37,466 Then what ya gonna do?" 103 00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:41,199 I was like, "Well, fuck it. Let's get the shotgun." 104 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,900 He's all ready to box the thing up, 105 00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:44,466 and then I'm like, "Wait a minute." 106 00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:45,633 I live with my girl. 107 00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,132 I can't just show up with a shotgun, right? 108 00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:50,867 That's not some shit you can just come home with. 109 00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:52,900 If I found this stool on the side of the road, 110 00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,433 I can come home with this. Look at it! 111 00:04:54,434 --> 00:04:58,066 We can refinish it. We can carve our initials in it. 112 00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,800 We can have a good time, right? 113 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,399 I can't just show up with a shotgun. 114 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,433 "Hey, I got it for us!" Right? 115 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:09,132 One barrel for you, one for me. No. 116 00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:12,500 So she kiboshes the whole thing. 117 00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:14,166 Till the other night somebody broke into our car 118 00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,833 sitting in the driveway. 119 00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,566 Starts fucking with her head, right? 120 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:20,766 So she starts reading up on guns, you know? 121 00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:23,132 But she's reading too much, 'cause now she wants to get one, 122 00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:24,399 but she's just like, "Well, I heard 123 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,999 you gotta keep the bullets in a safe, 124 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,166 keep the stock in the garage." 125 00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:29,566 And then what? Then what, 126 00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:31,533 I run around the house and assemble it 127 00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,333 as some dude's chasing me with an ax, you know? 128 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,666 Are you even thinking this thing through, sweetheart? 129 00:05:36,667 --> 00:05:38,566 Running around. "Where... where's the scope?" 130 00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:43,733 "It's in the living room." "He's in the living room!" 131 00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,132 No, if we're getting this thing, 132 00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:46,700 I want that fucking thing loaded 133 00:05:46,701 --> 00:05:47,967 right on the bedroom wall, right there. 134 00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:50,132 I'll put that thing in my jam-jam sleeves. 135 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:53,900 Whoof! just like that. 136 00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:55,967 There's no other point. 137 00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:57,433 It's funny, though, 138 00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:59,733 when you talk about getting a gun, you know? 139 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,633 People, like, they're either totally for it 140 00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:03,132 or completely against it, you know? 141 00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:04,800 They either go nuts and start screaming, right? 142 00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:06,500 Or they start throwing out those stats: 143 00:06:06,501 --> 00:06:08,032 "You know, actually, 144 00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:10,800 you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% 145 00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:12,900 the second you get a gun in the house." 146 00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:16,266 Really? What, 'cause I'm gonna load it and shower with it, 147 00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:20,633 like... uhh... uh... uhh... 148 00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,833 The fuck? I know it's dangerous. 149 00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,266 You get a pool in your backyard, 150 00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,433 you immediately increase your odds of drowning 151 00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:28,233 in your backyard, right? 152 00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:29,733 You couldn't do that before. 153 00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:33,933 Now you step on a rake, in you go! 154 00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:35,800 No, I'm telling you, 155 00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:39,466 I don't buy into any of that shit. 156 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:42,600 Stats are so fucking stupid, you know? 157 00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:44,933 Not that they're stupid. It's the way people apply 'em. 158 00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:46,700 You already have your mind made up, 159 00:06:46,701 --> 00:06:48,666 and then you go to i'mright.com, 160 00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:50,500 you start memorizing a bunch of shit, 161 00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:54,233 then you just... blaaah! Just throw it up at people. 162 00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:56,032 This guy tried to get me to go scuba diving. 163 00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:57,366 I go, "I'm not going. 164 00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:58,967 I don't wanna get eaten by a shark." 165 00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:01,032 He's like, "Well, actually, 90% of shark attacks 166 00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:02,700 actually happen in shallow water." 167 00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:06,366 It's like, no shit. That's where the people are. 168 00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:08,700 You know? It's called the beach. 169 00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:12,466 90% of people are frolicking along the coastline. 170 00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:14,867 It's not like there's people swimming to Europe. 171 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,099 "Let's go to Iceland, you pussies!" 172 00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:20,833 Right? 173 00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,800 I don't know. 174 00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:25,233 But I actually like Los Angeles. 175 00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:27,700 One of the few east coast people that likes it. 176 00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:30,066 All my moron New York friends and Boston friends, 177 00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,366 they come out there, 178 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,666 try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning. 179 00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:37,600 And they can't. Like, "This fucking place sucks! 180 00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:40,099 It's not like exactly where I left. 181 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,032 What's the point of traveling 182 00:07:42,033 --> 00:07:44,967 if it's gonna be different?" 183 00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:46,700 That's so fucking stupid. 184 00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:48,266 Get a burrito and go on a hike. 185 00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,099 What's wrong with you? You gonna go to Hawaii... 186 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:55,467 "There's no pond hockey! This place sucks!" 187 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,399 I got to admit, 188 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,166 the only thing that freaks me out about Los Angeles 189 00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:03,233 is all the plastic surgery. 190 00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:05,399 I don't get it. 191 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,566 Why do people get plastic surgery, you know? 192 00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:10,600 Why can't you just admit it's over? 193 00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:13,399 You know? You had your time. 194 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,967 Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s. 195 00:08:16,968 --> 00:08:19,700 It's weird! With their faces yanked back... 196 00:08:19,701 --> 00:08:23,433 Looking all shiny, right? 197 00:08:23,434 --> 00:08:26,766 Not to mention they haven't even figured it out, you know? 198 00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,666 Why would you get a face-lift? 199 00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,233 Can't you look at other face-lifts 200 00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:34,666 and realize they haven't worked all the bugs out yet? 201 00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:36,833 That's what you wanna look like? 202 00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:40,032 Like you just lost a fight three days ago? 203 00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:42,999 Don't be a hero. Let somebody else go in there... 204 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,399 Take the fucking beach. 205 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,533 You lay back... Wait it out. 206 00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:50,266 They're just lying to people. "No, no, it looks great. 207 00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:51,933 Looks great. Put a little ice on it, 208 00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:53,500 we'll see you in a couple of weeks. 209 00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:54,600 All right, take it easy. 210 00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,933 Jesus Christ! What the fuck happened? 211 00:08:56,934 --> 00:08:59,867 We followed every step. Did we miss something? 212 00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,266 Oh, hey, hey, hey! Oh, here's your keys. 213 00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,099 Here's your keys. There you go, there you go. 214 00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,099 Almost didn't recognize you, you look so young. 215 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,333 All right, take it easy. 216 00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:08,999 She gone? All right, she's gone. 217 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,266 Shred everything. Shred it!" 218 00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:15,967 No, you're nuts. 219 00:09:15,968 --> 00:09:17,533 You wait it out. Let 'em figure it out, 220 00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:18,833 then you fucking go in. 221 00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:21,733 Don't be a goddamn hero, you know? 222 00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:22,867 Look at hair plugs. 223 00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:25,600 Hair plugs don't look half bad now. 224 00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:27,132 Saw this guy the other night on TV. 225 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,199 He's like, "Oh, god, I wish I did this ten years ago." 226 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,233 It's like, no, you don't! 227 00:09:32,234 --> 00:09:35,132 Ten years ago, when they were stapling ant legs 228 00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,099 to the tops of people's heads? 229 00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,700 Remember that? Your eyes would water 230 00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:42,566 looking at their hairline... like, "Is that sewn in? 231 00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:44,132 I see pine tar!" 232 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,233 They used to put you in, like, a headlock. 233 00:09:46,234 --> 00:09:48,766 "Hold still!" Use, like, a nail gun. 234 00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:50,199 "Hold still!" 235 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,366 Guys would tap out after a row and a half. 236 00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:55,734 "Fuck it! I don't give a shit!" 237 00:09:57,033 --> 00:09:59,099 You wish you got hair plugs ten years ago. 238 00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:03,366 Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago? 239 00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:06,967 What else is on your wish list, sir? 240 00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:11,333 No, you don't fuck with your face... Okay? 241 00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:12,867 I understand liposuction. 242 00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:17,900 They screw that up, you can put on a shirt, right? 243 00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:20,533 There's no shirt for your face. 244 00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,233 Who do they think they're fooling 245 00:10:22,234 --> 00:10:23,933 with their stupid... You know? 246 00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:25,366 And then you lie to yourself: 247 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,166 "I'm just gonna do a little... just gonna do this. 248 00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,500 Just gonna have this done." No, you're not. You're not. 249 00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:31,500 What, are you just gonna wax the Fender on your car 250 00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:33,633 then that's it, and the rest of it looks all shitty? 251 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:35,132 "Well, maybe I'll just do the hood. 252 00:10:35,133 --> 00:10:36,666 And maybe I'll do the back." 253 00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,032 That's how it happens. 254 00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:40,733 Then you look like one of those real housewives... 255 00:10:40,734 --> 00:10:43,766 Face all twisted up. 256 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,633 Fucking idiots. "Hey, do I look... " 257 00:10:45,634 --> 00:10:47,166 [laughter] yeah, they're idiots! 258 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,366 "Do I look like I'm in my 20s?" 259 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:52,933 No, you look weird. You look fucking weird. 260 00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,933 You still look like you're in your 50s. 261 00:10:54,934 --> 00:10:57,032 I just can't guess what year anymore 262 00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,733 because I've never seen that year. 263 00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,867 I've never seen that shiny fucking look. 264 00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,132 It's almost like you discovered a new age 265 00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:07,233 between 52 and 53. 266 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,600 Yeah. 267 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:12,166 People, there's nothing wrong with being 52 268 00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:13,933 and looking 52, all right? 269 00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,366 You're 52. You didn't get fucked. 270 00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:16,733 [Applause] Yeah. 271 00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:20,066 What would you rather be... 52 and look 52 272 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:23,967 or be 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? 273 00:11:23,968 --> 00:11:25,166 All right? 274 00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:28,032 That's your options at this point. 275 00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:31,067 [Laughs] 276 00:11:34,434 --> 00:11:37,333 You know what's really... like actually embarrassing 277 00:11:37,334 --> 00:11:38,433 is that the face-lift... 278 00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:40,466 that's predominately a white problem. 279 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,967 Have you noticed that? 280 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:45,266 I've never seen a black person with a face-lift ever 281 00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,666 other than like the Jacksons. 282 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:49,333 But they're all out of their minds, right? 283 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,199 'Cause their dad made 'em rehearse all day 284 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,399 and sleep in the fireplace. 285 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,433 Like jamming all nine... 286 00:11:55,434 --> 00:11:57,999 "Get in there, you bastards!" 287 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,666 No hugs, no kisses. 288 00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,633 His face permanently twisted up 289 00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:05,199 from 50 years of screaming, 290 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,533 "Sing, motherfucker!" 291 00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:10,999 It's understandable with them. 292 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,900 [Laughs] 293 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,900 Hey, do you know why so many whities need face-lifts? 294 00:12:16,901 --> 00:12:21,032 I love that word. I'm trying to bring it back. 295 00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,900 I love it, it's funny. Whitey! 296 00:12:23,901 --> 00:12:25,166 You know why? 297 00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:28,066 Do you know why so many caucasians need face-lifts? 298 00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:32,333 'Cause we don't know about lotion. 299 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,299 See that? Only half of you laughed. 300 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,533 That should've been everybody. 301 00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:39,967 Yeah, but a lot of you were sitting there like, "Well... 302 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,666 What about lotion? 303 00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,533 "What is this lotion you speak of, 304 00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:47,867 and what is the magic therein?" 305 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,733 Just to put it out there, 306 00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:52,266 you can use lotion on other parts of your body 307 00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:55,032 besides your dick. 308 00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:56,633 Yeah. 309 00:12:56,634 --> 00:13:00,466 If you ever wondered why your dick still looks brand-new 310 00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:04,766 but the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate, 311 00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:07,867 it's 'cause you need to increase the circumference 312 00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:09,833 of the lotion distribution. 313 00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,233 All right? You got skin everywhere. 314 00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:15,233 Go home. Check yourself out. 315 00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:16,466 The bottom of your feet 316 00:13:16,467 --> 00:13:19,733 look like a prehistoric riverbed. 317 00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:23,166 That's not part of the natural aging process. 318 00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,533 You're dried out. 319 00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:29,099 I'm not judging you. Not judging anybody. 320 00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:30,299 I didn't know anything about lotion. 321 00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,967 Never used it the first 33 years of my life. 322 00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:33,399 Never used it. 323 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,333 Till one night I was going out with this black girl, right? 324 00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:36,633 She was getting ready, 325 00:13:36,634 --> 00:13:38,466 and she was just putting that shit on everywhere. 326 00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:39,967 Just slathering it on. 327 00:13:39,968 --> 00:13:43,132 I thought she had, like, a rash or something. 328 00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,700 I'm like, "What, do you got, like, poison Ivy? 329 00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,433 What's going on with you?" 330 00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,299 She goes, "No, I'm just making sure I'm not ashy." 331 00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:52,733 I said, "Ashy?" She goes, "Dry skin." 332 00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:54,867 And I went, "Oh!" 333 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,366 I guess I freaked her out a little bit, 334 00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:59,099 'cause I was like, "Oh!" 335 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,967 She was like, "Well, white people get ashy too." 336 00:14:00,968 --> 00:14:03,666 I was like, "Yeah, you know, I don't think we do." 337 00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,466 [Laughter] 338 00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,366 "Yeah, I been alive for 33 years. 339 00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:08,933 No one has ever said, 'Hey, Bill, 340 00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:11,066 you're looking a little ashy.' 341 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,766 I never even heard that word until you said it." 342 00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:16,066 She's like, "You're an idiot. Stick out your arm." 343 00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,900 So I stick out my arm, and ever so gently, 344 00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,633 she just drags her nails down. 345 00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:20,867 This smoke starts coming up. 346 00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:23,533 It's like pastry flakes flying off. 347 00:14:23,534 --> 00:14:26,132 Track marks. She's signing her name. 348 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,166 She's like, "You see that?" She goes, "That's ashy. 349 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,399 You're ashy." 350 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:33,467 Freaked me out. I'm like, "Holy shit, I'm ashy!" 351 00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:36,566 I didn't know anything about it. 352 00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:40,633 All I knew was that I always got itchy in the winter. 353 00:14:40,634 --> 00:14:42,867 Couldn't figure it out. Always got itchy in the winter. 354 00:14:42,868 --> 00:14:44,199 Why the fuck do I get itchy? 355 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,099 I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty. 356 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,299 That's what I thought. 357 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:49,333 And I would change it out and put a fresh one. 358 00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,333 "Now I'm gonna be okay." Take a shower. 359 00:14:51,334 --> 00:14:52,900 Dry off. Fucking itching again. 360 00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:55,900 God damn it, I hate the winter. 361 00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:58,800 See, that's why you gotta hang out with everybody. 362 00:14:58,801 --> 00:15:01,266 [Laughter] Yeah. 363 00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,600 There's too much information in the world, 364 00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:06,867 and every group of people misses a little bit. 365 00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:09,666 White people totally missed the lotion seminar 366 00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,533 at some point in history. 367 00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:14,967 I don't know if it's 'cause we can't see it, you know? 368 00:15:14,968 --> 00:15:16,733 Black people get ashy, it like looks like 369 00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,833 they, like, leaned up against a chalkboard or something, 370 00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,766 you know? They can see it! 371 00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:22,600 They miss it, their friends help 'em out. 372 00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:24,600 Like, "Look at your ashy motherfucking elbow! 373 00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:26,933 What is wrong with you?" Right? 374 00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,433 [Applause] 375 00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:30,933 We missed that shit the way black people missed the whole 376 00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:33,867 register your weapons summit. 377 00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:36,099 Right? 378 00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,399 Just never got the information. 379 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,366 The amount of rappers who've been busted 380 00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,600 for the unregistered glock in the car 381 00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:44,433 just blows my mind. 382 00:15:44,434 --> 00:15:47,233 It's like, why would you do that to yourself? 383 00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:49,166 Do you just wanna make an album over the phone? 384 00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:50,533 Is that what it is? 385 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,766 Is that, like, the new auto-tune or some shit? 386 00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,333 I don't know. 387 00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:57,299 It breaks my heart every time I see it. 388 00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:00,433 I just think, "God, if he just had one white friend... 389 00:16:00,434 --> 00:16:02,867 If he just had one white friend in his entourage..." 390 00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:04,299 Dude would have been sitting there going like, 391 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,099 "Is that thing registered? 392 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,800 You outta your mind? 393 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,967 Dude, get it outta there. Get it outta there. 394 00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,299 Yeah, it's illegal! 395 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,166 That's, like, fucking three to five, mandatory! 396 00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:16,733 Dude, how do you not know that? 397 00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:17,734 That's the question. 398 00:16:17,735 --> 00:16:19,299 How do you not fucking know that? 399 00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,266 This guy's got an unregistered weapon in the car, 400 00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:23,166 and we're just gonna go driving around with it. 401 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,032 It's just... it's just ridiculous!" 402 00:16:26,033 --> 00:16:29,500 [Laughter] 403 00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:31,266 So see? There ya go, all right? 404 00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:33,999 You don't need a face-lift, okay? 405 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,633 Lay off the booze. Do some cardio. 406 00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:39,766 Moisturize. You're gonna be fine. 407 00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:42,099 Okay? Don't believe in these myths. 408 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,099 Black don't crack. It's bullshit. 409 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,266 They all put lotion on, 410 00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,999 like, every 20 minutes during the day. 411 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,766 It's ridiculous! 412 00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:50,999 They all got a giant oil drum with the shit at home. 413 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,466 Every morning, they wake up, they dunk themselves in it, 414 00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:54,666 shake themselves off, 415 00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,032 and walk out the door absolutely glistening! 416 00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:58,633 Glistening! 417 00:16:58,634 --> 00:17:00,533 White guys like me are walking around, no hat on... 418 00:17:00,534 --> 00:17:03,733 "Uh, let's go sailing!" 419 00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:07,733 Passing out facedown in the sand. 420 00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:09,333 [Laughs] 421 00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:11,299 Speaking of no boozing, man, 422 00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,766 I been really trying to clean up my act 423 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,399 as far as that boozing thing goes. 424 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,833 Just really been laying off it, you know? 425 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,132 I don't know what it is. Your fucking head gets big 426 00:17:20,133 --> 00:17:21,399 as you get older, you know? 427 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,867 You keep boozing, you start getting 428 00:17:22,868 --> 00:17:26,933 that big Alec Baldwin / John Travolta head. 429 00:17:26,934 --> 00:17:28,766 And you don't notice though, 430 00:17:28,767 --> 00:17:30,166 'cause every day, you're brushing your teeth 431 00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:31,333 and you're seeing your head, 432 00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,800 and it's just getting a little bit bigger. 433 00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,633 Keep drinking. "I'll have another one" right? 434 00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:36,900 Then one day you go to take that cell phone picture, 435 00:17:36,901 --> 00:17:38,900 and you're just, like, 6 inches in front of everybody else. 436 00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:40,366 You don't think it's a big deal. 437 00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,700 Maybe you leaned in, 'cause you're feeling good, right? 438 00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,366 Then all of a sudden, you look at the picture. 439 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:47,534 It's like, "Fucking yeah! Whoo!" 440 00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:51,533 It's like, "I gotta lay off this shit." 441 00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:53,533 So I've been trying to learn... 442 00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:55,566 learn how to fix shit around the house. 443 00:17:55,567 --> 00:17:57,533 That's what's filling up all this time 444 00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,366 of just being sober. 445 00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:00,900 That's brutal, dude. 446 00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:04,867 You have no idea how long a year is until you're stone sober. 447 00:18:04,868 --> 00:18:06,333 It's fucking brutal. 448 00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:07,999 So I'm learning how to fix shit, right? 449 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,333 My girlfriend doesn't like it 450 00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:11,700 'cause she says I have a temper, you know? 451 00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:12,999 She's like, "You know, 452 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,566 it's just not that you're trying to fix things, 453 00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:17,166 it's that you get frustrated, you punch the wall, 454 00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,999 the dog starts shaking. 455 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,266 I just don't think it's a good idea. 456 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,700 You know, you're a comedian. You should tell jokes. 457 00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,800 He's a plumber. He should plumb, right?" 458 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,066 [Laughs] 459 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,733 I'm trying to explain to her that losing your shit 460 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:34,566 is part of the process of fixing something, right? 461 00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:35,900 Everybody does that. 462 00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:38,166 [Applause] Right? Yeah! 463 00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:40,199 You buy something at Ikea. 464 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,833 You get halfway through putting it together. 465 00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:43,833 You're like, "Dude, where the fuck is the fucking... 466 00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:45,633 oh, there it is. There it is. 467 00:18:45,634 --> 00:18:47,233 There it is. 468 00:18:47,234 --> 00:18:49,199 Honey, I didn't see it. 469 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,967 I didn't see it! 470 00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,399 Why, you wanna put it together? 471 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,967 You wanna... well, then you put it together. 472 00:18:53,968 --> 00:18:55,299 You put together this fucking 473 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,066 particle board piece of fucking shit. 474 00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:59,566 These instructions make no sense! 475 00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:02,299 I will buy another one! I will buy another one. 476 00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:05,433 I'll buy fucking five and smash four if I want to. 477 00:19:05,434 --> 00:19:07,399 Don't tell me what to do! 478 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,366 Oh, go to your mother's. I don't give a shit. 479 00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:13,199 Jesus Ch... yeah, what story you gonna tell? 480 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,833 This one, right? Not the part about 481 00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:19,032 how I pay all the fucking bills, right? 482 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,266 How was that uncalled for? 483 00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:22,933 How was that uncalled for? 484 00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:24,800 I wasn't even talking to you! 485 00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,466 I was talking to the fucking thing! 486 00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:30,266 I was talking to the fucking thing! 487 00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:32,766 I know what I said. I know what I said, okay? 488 00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:35,700 You don't need to tell me. I know what I said, yes. 489 00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:39,166 I am working on it. I am working on it, all right? 490 00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,600 Look... look, you think I wanna be this guy? 491 00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:44,132 You think I wanna be the guy who flips out 492 00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:46,833 about the fucking tables? I don't, okay? 493 00:19:46,834 --> 00:19:48,800 This isn't who I am. This is who I became, all right? 494 00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:51,099 I'm working through this shit. 495 00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,700 You didn't have to speak... well, you do shit too, okay? 496 00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:55,666 You do shit too. 497 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:58,733 Well, I thought you were going to your mother's!" 498 00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:02,600 [Laughter] 499 00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:04,999 No, it's brutal. 500 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,833 I hate having a temper, man. It's fucking embarrassing. 501 00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:09,266 You know? I don't know. 502 00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:10,600 I'm sick of women trying... 503 00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:13,199 every girl I ever date's always trying to fix me. 504 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,633 Gets annoying after a while, you know? 505 00:20:15,634 --> 00:20:19,766 Like you're not out of your mind with all your fucking shoes? 506 00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:21,066 Right? What is that all about? 507 00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:22,633 I'm sick of this hypothetical perfect guy. 508 00:20:22,634 --> 00:20:23,867 Go get him. 509 00:20:23,868 --> 00:20:26,800 Go down to Applebee's, let me know what you find. 510 00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,867 Okay? I've had it. I'm working, I'm trying. 511 00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:32,433 You go down and you get this "Mr. even-keeled all the time" 512 00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:35,999 with his little fucking sport coat, right? 513 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,266 You live with that guy for a while, you know? 514 00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:40,466 "Hey, honey, I'm home. How are ya? 515 00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:43,399 Traffic was crazy. Almost lost it, 516 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,466 but thank god I had that book on tape, right? 517 00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:49,333 Gulliver's travels. Always a classic. 518 00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:51,099 Always a classic." 519 00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,433 That's the guy you want, straight across the board? 520 00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,466 Even in the bedroom, right? 521 00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:58,299 Always making love to you missionary style. 522 00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:02,066 "I love you. Your hair is like an ocean." 523 00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,299 Never knowing you like to be flipped over 524 00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:06,366 and have your face mushed into the pillows, 525 00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:09,233 you fucking psycho, right? 526 00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,867 [Laughs] 527 00:21:11,868 --> 00:21:14,266 Naw, she's right. 528 00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:17,399 She's always right. I do, I gotta work on it. 529 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,299 I hate having a temper, you know? 530 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:20,833 I don't know if it's hereditary. 531 00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:22,700 I don't know if it's part of the country I'm from. 532 00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:24,833 I've always snapped, you know? 533 00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,099 My dad was like that. 534 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,933 My dad's the greatest dude I ever met in my life, 535 00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:29,066 and he had a temper. 536 00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:31,233 Anytime anything broke in the house, 537 00:21:31,234 --> 00:21:32,399 five minutes into fixing it, 538 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,533 he was bitching about his marriage. 539 00:21:34,534 --> 00:21:36,166 [Laughs] 540 00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:38,733 It was hilarious. He'd see something broke... 541 00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:41,533 "Oh, Christ, will you look at that? 542 00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:43,566 Goddamn it, Billy, gimme that fucking screwdriver. 543 00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:44,800 I swear to god, 544 00:21:44,801 --> 00:21:47,466 I don't know what the fuck I ever got married for. 545 00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:49,166 13 goddamn years of this shit. 546 00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:51,800 You're a bitch, lady! You been a bitch for years. 547 00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:53,032 Give me the pliers. 548 00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:54,999 Yeah, most guys would've left by now! 549 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,700 Most guys would've left by now!" 550 00:21:57,701 --> 00:21:59,800 [Laughs] 551 00:21:59,801 --> 00:22:01,399 That was one of his catchphrases: 552 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,433 "Most guys would've left by now" 553 00:22:03,434 --> 00:22:07,299 and "You don't know how fucking good you got it, lady!" 554 00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,099 [Laughter] 555 00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:11,600 Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought he was nuts. 556 00:22:11,601 --> 00:22:14,099 Then I got older, you know, started dating. 557 00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:17,566 I realized, "Eh, this guy's making a lotta good points." 558 00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:18,999 [Laughter, applause] 559 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,700 "He's not expressing them in the healthiest of ways." 560 00:22:23,701 --> 00:22:24,900 I gotta be honest with you. 561 00:22:24,901 --> 00:22:26,466 I'm kinda, like, jealous of the way 562 00:22:26,467 --> 00:22:29,266 my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes, you know? 563 00:22:29,267 --> 00:22:31,333 Where are all those old-school women 564 00:22:31,334 --> 00:22:34,399 you can just take your day out on, you know? 565 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,700 When did they stop making those angels 566 00:22:37,701 --> 00:22:40,166 who just knew it had nothing to do with them. 567 00:22:40,167 --> 00:22:45,032 They'd just sit there, let you blow out the lines, right? 568 00:22:45,033 --> 00:22:47,833 What a luxury... Right? 569 00:22:47,834 --> 00:22:50,199 To fail all day, you come home and download 570 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,066 all your insecurities on this other person. 571 00:22:53,067 --> 00:22:55,733 "How was your day?" "How the fuck was your day? 572 00:22:55,734 --> 00:22:57,766 I'm out here making decisions! 573 00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,700 Take these kids away from me. Get me a goddamn drink. 574 00:23:00,701 --> 00:23:03,633 Oh, with the tears!" 575 00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:08,533 [Laughs] 576 00:23:08,534 --> 00:23:11,299 Then the bra-burning generation came in, right? 577 00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:12,433 Now you gotta sit there 578 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,700 and listen to their stories all the time. 579 00:23:14,701 --> 00:23:16,700 Oh, it's the worst. You know what's the worst? 580 00:23:16,701 --> 00:23:18,833 Is when they're telling you a story and you wanna listen, 581 00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:20,266 but just what they're talking about, 582 00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:22,900 you can't even retain it. 583 00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:24,900 "So I was supposed to go out to lunch with Jennifer. 584 00:23:24,901 --> 00:23:25,933 I'm all ready to do that. 585 00:23:25,934 --> 00:23:27,299 I show up. She's there with Susan. 586 00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:29,700 She knows I hate Susan. I look like shit. 587 00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:30,967 Susan's been going to the gym." 588 00:23:30,968 --> 00:23:32,099 I mean, at that point, 589 00:23:32,100 --> 00:23:33,466 your head is like a newborn baby. 590 00:23:33,467 --> 00:23:36,166 You're trying to... 591 00:23:36,167 --> 00:23:40,600 Trying to hold it up, you know? 592 00:23:40,601 --> 00:23:43,800 You can't! Even if you try to pay attention, you can't. 593 00:23:43,801 --> 00:23:45,733 You just start staring at their mouth after a while, 594 00:23:45,734 --> 00:23:47,533 like, "I can't believe it keeps coming out. 595 00:23:47,534 --> 00:23:49,700 This is fucking unbelievable." 596 00:23:49,701 --> 00:23:51,500 Like, "rrhh-rrhh-rrhh rrhh-rrhh-rrhh." 597 00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:53,633 It starts fading off... "Eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh..." 598 00:23:53,634 --> 00:23:55,466 You start thinking about your own life, right? 599 00:23:55,467 --> 00:23:57,433 "Why'd I take Nebraska giving 28? 600 00:23:57,434 --> 00:23:59,800 What the fuck is wrong with me? It's an away game." 601 00:23:59,801 --> 00:24:01,266 All of a sudden, her voice goes "eehh-eehh... " 602 00:24:01,267 --> 00:24:03,733 it goes up, all right? "Eehh-eehh-eet." 603 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,566 Like, "Aw, fuck. That was a question." 604 00:24:06,567 --> 00:24:09,099 [Laughter, applause] 605 00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:11,399 All right, now what do you do? 606 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,933 Can't say yes. You can't say no. 607 00:24:12,934 --> 00:24:14,533 You gotta come with something neutral. 608 00:24:14,534 --> 00:24:15,900 "Eh, what the fuck you gonna do? 609 00:24:15,901 --> 00:24:18,700 What are ya gonna do? 610 00:24:18,701 --> 00:24:19,766 It is what it is. 611 00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:21,366 You put one foot in front of the other, 612 00:24:21,367 --> 00:24:22,867 and, uh..." 613 00:24:22,868 --> 00:24:26,733 Halftime adjustments. Uh... Got nothing. 614 00:24:26,734 --> 00:24:28,633 [Laughs] 615 00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:31,867 No. I don't wanna make my dad out like a psycho. 616 00:24:31,868 --> 00:24:33,666 My dad's the best dude I know, man. 617 00:24:33,667 --> 00:24:35,433 But you know, I understand him, though. 618 00:24:35,434 --> 00:24:39,032 He's like the exact opposite of me, you know? 619 00:24:39,033 --> 00:24:41,299 I planned out my life a little more, right? 620 00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,166 That's why I never got married. 621 00:24:43,167 --> 00:24:44,833 Never thought about getting married. 622 00:24:44,834 --> 00:24:46,833 It just looked horrific. 623 00:24:46,834 --> 00:24:48,366 It looked really difficult. 624 00:24:48,367 --> 00:24:50,967 It looked like a lot of 'em failed. 625 00:24:50,968 --> 00:24:52,099 Then if you had a kid, 626 00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:54,566 you had that whole weird situation, right? 627 00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:56,666 You got this thing that half looks like you, 628 00:24:56,667 --> 00:24:58,399 half looks like somebody you used to love 629 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,132 and now wanna slap the shit out of, right? 630 00:25:01,133 --> 00:25:03,233 Kid's coming up to the walk. 631 00:25:03,234 --> 00:25:05,299 You're like, "Son, just look to the right a little. 632 00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:08,800 Let me just kinda... " "But, dad, I wanna look at ya." 633 00:25:08,801 --> 00:25:10,933 [Laughs] 634 00:25:10,934 --> 00:25:12,566 It's brutal! 635 00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:14,900 My dad was the exact opposite. 636 00:25:14,901 --> 00:25:17,533 Fell in love, got married, just started having kids. 637 00:25:17,534 --> 00:25:20,700 Had five kids by the time he was 33. 638 00:25:20,701 --> 00:25:23,733 Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil, 639 00:25:23,734 --> 00:25:25,733 pre- chicken soup for the "Holy fuck, 640 00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:26,967 I got five kids. 641 00:25:26,968 --> 00:25:29,366 I don't even know who I am yet." 642 00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:31,600 The pressure of that, feeding all those kids, man. 643 00:25:31,601 --> 00:25:32,766 I'm telling you. 644 00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:34,433 Every three or four days, he would just snap. 645 00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:36,299 Just snap outta nowhere, you know? 646 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:37,867 "Can you pass the salt?" "Ah, you fucking bitch! 647 00:25:37,868 --> 00:25:39,633 What the fuck did I get married for, it's bullshit!" 648 00:25:39,634 --> 00:25:42,433 Boom! he'd slam the door, have the car in third gear 649 00:25:42,434 --> 00:25:44,399 by the time he got it to the end of the driveway. 650 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,433 Buh-buh-bah-bah! 651 00:25:46,434 --> 00:25:48,600 My mother would always do the exact same shit. 652 00:25:48,601 --> 00:25:50,566 Just lock the door behind him, turn around, 653 00:25:50,567 --> 00:25:51,633 look at the kids, and just be like... 654 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,533 "Sss. eesh!" 655 00:25:53,534 --> 00:25:55,032 [Laughter] 656 00:25:55,033 --> 00:25:58,900 "Now, he's just crazy. He's just a crazy person. 657 00:25:58,901 --> 00:26:00,833 What is wrong with him?" 658 00:26:00,834 --> 00:26:02,233 Eight hours later, he'd show up. 659 00:26:02,234 --> 00:26:04,199 No apology. She'd have dinner ready. 660 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,466 She messed it up, he'd give her a rough time. 661 00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:09,633 "Christ, you cooked the shit out of it!" 662 00:26:09,634 --> 00:26:13,066 [Laughs] 663 00:26:13,067 --> 00:26:14,233 I don't know. 664 00:26:14,234 --> 00:26:16,533 I think I'll be a good dad, though. 665 00:26:16,534 --> 00:26:18,399 You know? [Laughter] 666 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,333 I do. 667 00:26:20,334 --> 00:26:22,166 [Laughs] No, analyze it. 668 00:26:22,167 --> 00:26:23,933 Actually, it's finally come to the point, 669 00:26:23,934 --> 00:26:24,999 I wanna have a kid, 670 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,666 and I don't think it's that hard. 671 00:26:27,667 --> 00:26:29,933 I don't. Part of me really believes that, 672 00:26:29,934 --> 00:26:31,233 and the other part is 673 00:26:31,234 --> 00:26:33,600 I just like pissing off people with kids, you know? 674 00:26:33,601 --> 00:26:34,933 Whenever you say shit like that... 675 00:26:34,934 --> 00:26:37,633 "Dude, you have no idea how difficult it is!" 676 00:26:37,634 --> 00:26:40,399 This is a great one to say. "Well, I mean, I got a dog, 677 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,266 I mean... You know? How much diff... " 678 00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:44,933 "Dude, you can't even fucking compare it to a dog!" 679 00:26:44,934 --> 00:26:45,967 "Yeah, I can. 680 00:26:45,968 --> 00:26:48,266 I just did, and I'll do it again. 681 00:26:48,267 --> 00:26:50,633 Mine's got four legs. Yours only has two. 682 00:26:50,634 --> 00:26:53,032 Go ahead. 683 00:26:53,033 --> 00:26:54,566 Yours bites someone, it gets a time out. 684 00:26:54,567 --> 00:26:58,434 Mine gets put down. Stakes are raised." 685 00:27:01,033 --> 00:27:02,299 No, I think I know. 686 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:03,867 I think I know how to raise a kid. 687 00:27:03,868 --> 00:27:05,867 You know what it is? You just play catch with 'em. 688 00:27:05,868 --> 00:27:08,233 I think that's the big deal. That's how you raise a kid. 689 00:27:08,234 --> 00:27:10,933 You play catch with 'em. And you just talk about life. 690 00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:12,900 You distract 'em by throwing the ball. 691 00:27:12,901 --> 00:27:15,166 They don't even notice you're filling their heads up 692 00:27:15,167 --> 00:27:16,967 with your theories. 693 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:19,700 Right? 694 00:27:19,701 --> 00:27:21,099 You don't do it the old-school way 695 00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:23,166 the way your parents used to. Sit down across from you... 696 00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:25,199 "You wanna tell me about your day? 697 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,766 Did anybody offer you any drugs? 698 00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:28,066 You learning about sex?" 699 00:27:28,067 --> 00:27:30,466 You're like, "Dude, you're fucking freaking me out! 700 00:27:30,467 --> 00:27:33,933 Trying to eat a pop-tart here" right? 701 00:27:33,934 --> 00:27:35,032 No, you just take him in the back. 702 00:27:35,033 --> 00:27:36,199 You play catch with him. 703 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,933 That's it. You talk about life, right? 704 00:27:37,934 --> 00:27:39,199 "What's that, son? 705 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,766 Ah, we're not going to church today. 706 00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:42,500 Fuck that. 707 00:27:42,501 --> 00:27:45,299 Ah, it's all a bunch of bullshit. 708 00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:47,933 God's everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? 709 00:27:47,934 --> 00:27:50,333 Really? And he's mad at me down there, 710 00:27:50,334 --> 00:27:53,867 and I owe ya money? Go fuck yourself. 711 00:27:53,868 --> 00:27:57,967 That's stupid. It's ridiculous. 712 00:27:57,968 --> 00:28:00,533 It's in here, all right? 713 00:28:00,534 --> 00:28:01,700 It's not down... it's in here. 714 00:28:01,701 --> 00:28:03,066 They try to take it. It's in here. 715 00:28:03,067 --> 00:28:04,366 You do something good, you feel good. 716 00:28:04,367 --> 00:28:06,166 You do something bad, you feel bad, you know? 717 00:28:06,167 --> 00:28:07,566 Unless you're, like, a sociopath, 718 00:28:07,567 --> 00:28:09,500 then you don't feel shit, you know? 719 00:28:09,501 --> 00:28:11,733 Unless you got somebody duct-taped upside down 720 00:28:11,734 --> 00:28:13,600 in your apartment, you know? 721 00:28:13,601 --> 00:28:14,967 If you do something like that, 722 00:28:14,968 --> 00:28:17,766 I want you to feel like you can come to me, you know? 723 00:28:17,767 --> 00:28:19,700 Yeah, come to me. Confess all of that. 724 00:28:19,701 --> 00:28:22,433 We'll go down to the precinct. We'll tell them everything. 725 00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:24,967 Yeah, I'm gonna turn you in. This isn't fucking Dexter. 726 00:28:24,968 --> 00:28:26,500 What are you, out of your mind? 727 00:28:26,501 --> 00:28:29,266 Gonna have some feel-good serial killer walking around. 728 00:28:29,267 --> 00:28:32,433 He only kills the bad people." 729 00:28:32,434 --> 00:28:36,366 [Laughter] 730 00:28:36,367 --> 00:28:39,566 "Listen, I know your mother and I, 731 00:28:39,567 --> 00:28:41,099 we've been arguing a lot lately, all right? 732 00:28:41,100 --> 00:28:43,233 But you know I love her. I love her to death, okay? 733 00:28:43,234 --> 00:28:44,900 It's weird. I love her to death, 734 00:28:44,901 --> 00:28:47,266 but when I watch her eat toast, just wanna... 735 00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:50,099 I just wanna choke her. I don't know what it is. 736 00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:52,199 It's the routine... right, left, then the middle. 737 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,099 Why don't you just fold it in half and fucking eat it? 738 00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:57,166 You know what I mean? 739 00:28:57,167 --> 00:28:58,933 It's unreal, you know? 740 00:28:58,934 --> 00:29:02,132 That's when you know, you know, you met the right one. 741 00:29:02,133 --> 00:29:04,967 When you wanna slap the shit out of them, but you don't. 742 00:29:04,968 --> 00:29:07,099 You know? You wanna leave, but you don't. 743 00:29:07,100 --> 00:29:10,366 There's something about 'em... You just can't fucking leave. 744 00:29:10,367 --> 00:29:12,533 Right? 745 00:29:12,534 --> 00:29:14,600 So don't settle down till you meet one like that. 746 00:29:14,601 --> 00:29:15,900 That's when you know. 747 00:29:15,901 --> 00:29:18,366 Till then, you don't put a condom on, you know? 748 00:29:18,367 --> 00:29:20,233 Just bang as many as you can 749 00:29:20,234 --> 00:29:21,733 so you don't have a midlife crisis. 750 00:29:21,734 --> 00:29:23,399 That's what you do. Don't tell your mother 751 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,700 I'm telling you any of this shit either." 752 00:29:25,701 --> 00:29:28,633 [Laughing] 753 00:29:28,634 --> 00:29:30,333 [Cheers and applause] 754 00:29:30,334 --> 00:29:33,032 Yeah. That's my, uh... 755 00:29:33,033 --> 00:29:35,801 That's my game plan. 756 00:29:38,601 --> 00:29:40,533 You know, I do have a dog. 757 00:29:40,534 --> 00:29:42,633 That doesn't count for anything? 758 00:29:42,634 --> 00:29:44,967 Never understood that, you know? 759 00:29:44,968 --> 00:29:47,099 I love my dog, but, uh... 760 00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:50,032 I've learned a lot being a dog owner, man, you know? 761 00:29:50,033 --> 00:29:53,066 Any dog's a good dog unless you're a psycho. 762 00:29:53,067 --> 00:29:54,533 You know? I got a pit bull. 763 00:29:54,534 --> 00:29:57,099 It's still a great dog, unless you're a fucking psycho. 764 00:29:57,100 --> 00:29:58,666 And evidently, I'm a psycho, 765 00:29:58,667 --> 00:30:01,900 because my dog has been... just been a complete maniac 766 00:30:01,901 --> 00:30:04,666 over the last, like, six months, you know? 767 00:30:04,667 --> 00:30:08,199 I didn't realize that dogs feed off your vibes, you know? 768 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,800 Like if you're chillin', they're chillin', you know? 769 00:30:10,801 --> 00:30:12,533 If you're sleeping, they're sleeping. 770 00:30:12,534 --> 00:30:14,099 But if you're a psycho like me 771 00:30:14,100 --> 00:30:15,900 and you're screaming at the ref on TV, 772 00:30:15,901 --> 00:30:18,032 being like, "Dude, you gotta be fucking kidding me!" 773 00:30:18,033 --> 00:30:20,199 I didn't realize the dog was over in the corner 774 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,900 being like, "Yeah, you gotta be fucking kidding me. 775 00:30:23,901 --> 00:30:25,032 This is bullshit! 776 00:30:25,033 --> 00:30:26,333 I don't know what this guy's mad at, 777 00:30:26,334 --> 00:30:28,299 but I love this guy! This guy feeds me... 778 00:30:28,300 --> 00:30:30,967 Is it the door? Are ya mad at the door?" 779 00:30:30,968 --> 00:30:33,900 [Laughter] 780 00:30:33,901 --> 00:30:36,933 Yeah. I had no idea I was amping this dog up. 781 00:30:36,934 --> 00:30:38,999 I'm so selfishly in my own world. 782 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,032 I'd be like on the computer, it'd crash. 783 00:30:41,033 --> 00:30:43,132 "Oh, really? Really?!" 784 00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:44,967 Dog's over in the corner with, like, a chew toy. 785 00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:48,266 [Growling] 786 00:30:48,267 --> 00:30:50,166 I never noticed, like, that game-seven look 787 00:30:50,167 --> 00:30:51,999 she was gettin' on her face. 788 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:53,633 And one day, I amped her up too much, 789 00:30:53,634 --> 00:30:55,466 had no clue, and I went outside. 790 00:30:55,467 --> 00:30:56,967 We were just walking down the street, 791 00:30:56,968 --> 00:30:58,399 and some poor bastard comes the other way 792 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,266 and the dog's like, That's that motherfucker! 793 00:31:00,267 --> 00:31:01,933 Aaaahhh!" 794 00:31:01,934 --> 00:31:03,700 Lunges at this guy! I had to pull her back. 795 00:31:03,701 --> 00:31:05,533 I'm like, "Dude, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry. 796 00:31:05,534 --> 00:31:07,199 She's never done anything like that" right? 797 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:08,867 Looking down at the dog like, "What's wrong with you?" 798 00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:10,366 Dog's looking up at me like, "Huh? 799 00:31:10,367 --> 00:31:12,032 I got that son of a bitch, didn't I? 800 00:31:12,033 --> 00:31:13,900 I love you! You feed me. I got you. 801 00:31:13,901 --> 00:31:16,099 How the hell did you see him that far away, man? 802 00:31:16,100 --> 00:31:18,733 Your ears must be better than mine... it's unbelievable." 803 00:31:18,734 --> 00:31:20,032 Right? 804 00:31:20,033 --> 00:31:22,999 Then I got nervous. I got nervous around my own dog. 805 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:25,366 I started thinking, "Fuck, are pit bulls really like this? 806 00:31:25,367 --> 00:31:27,433 Do they just go psycho? Man, this is nuts" right? 807 00:31:27,434 --> 00:31:29,700 That's another bad vibe to have around your dog, 808 00:31:29,701 --> 00:31:31,433 'cause they pick up on that vibe, right? 809 00:31:31,434 --> 00:31:32,800 This dude comes walking down the street, 810 00:31:32,801 --> 00:31:34,566 and I immediately just start thinking like, "Oh, shit, 811 00:31:34,567 --> 00:31:36,433 she gonna do it again? Oh, shit, oh, shit." 812 00:31:36,434 --> 00:31:37,766 Dog just looks at me like, "Oh, shit, what? 813 00:31:37,767 --> 00:31:39,199 Oh, shit, what? Him? Him, him? 814 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:40,999 Rrraaaah!" Runs at another guy. 815 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,633 Gotta pull her back. "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!" 816 00:31:43,634 --> 00:31:45,066 Looking down at the dog. 817 00:31:45,067 --> 00:31:50,266 Dog's trying to chest bump me and shit, right? 818 00:31:50,267 --> 00:31:51,366 Dude, it got so bad one day, 819 00:31:51,367 --> 00:31:53,933 she almost ate a landscaper, right? 820 00:31:53,934 --> 00:31:56,967 Yeah! so I'm like, "I gotta take this thing to a trainer, man." 821 00:31:56,968 --> 00:32:00,366 So I load it up in the Prius and I drive over there, right? 822 00:32:00,367 --> 00:32:02,566 [Laughter] Yeah, I have a Prius. 823 00:32:02,567 --> 00:32:05,967 Go ahead, judge me. 824 00:32:05,968 --> 00:32:08,333 I love that shit. If you have a Prius, people... 825 00:32:08,334 --> 00:32:09,900 you know? You can't win. 826 00:32:09,901 --> 00:32:11,433 You got a truck with a big lift kit... 827 00:32:11,434 --> 00:32:14,900 people, "Oh, it's probably 'cause he has a little dick." 828 00:32:14,901 --> 00:32:17,066 How come it's not 'cause he has a dick down to the floor? 829 00:32:17,067 --> 00:32:20,066 Maybe that's why he needs all that clearance, right? 830 00:32:20,067 --> 00:32:21,733 [Laughter] 831 00:32:21,734 --> 00:32:23,967 You know? [Laughs] 832 00:32:23,968 --> 00:32:25,700 And if that means you have a little dick, 833 00:32:25,701 --> 00:32:26,833 then if I have a Prius, 834 00:32:26,834 --> 00:32:29,399 doesn't that mean I have a huge dick, right? 835 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:34,833 'Cause according to my friends, it means I'm a fag, right? 836 00:32:34,834 --> 00:32:37,566 Anyways... 837 00:32:37,567 --> 00:32:40,132 Let me towel off here for a moment. 838 00:32:40,133 --> 00:32:43,299 So I fucking take this dog down 839 00:32:43,300 --> 00:32:44,566 to this trainer, right? 840 00:32:44,567 --> 00:32:46,099 And I show up, got the dog in the back. 841 00:32:46,100 --> 00:32:47,766 Trainer comes out. He's got his hat on backwards, 842 00:32:47,767 --> 00:32:49,032 he's got stubble, you know? 843 00:32:49,033 --> 00:32:52,166 Big, large cargo pants, you know? 844 00:32:52,167 --> 00:32:53,167 All shorts on and stuff and I'm thinking, 845 00:32:53,168 --> 00:32:54,600 "This guy's a psycho" right? 846 00:32:54,601 --> 00:32:55,933 And I look at my dog, my dog's, like, sizing him up. 847 00:32:55,934 --> 00:32:57,399 I'm like, "This is perfect. He can handle her." 848 00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,566 So the guy goes, "All right, when you hand this dog to me, 849 00:32:59,567 --> 00:33:01,500 make sure you got the leash totally taut like that, 850 00:33:01,501 --> 00:33:02,700 all right? Don't have any slack in it." 851 00:33:02,701 --> 00:33:03,999 I said, "No problem" right? 852 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,533 And somehow I fucked up. I left a little slack in it, 853 00:33:06,534 --> 00:33:08,867 and this dog just lunged right at the dude's balls. 854 00:33:08,868 --> 00:33:11,132 Right? And just barely missed him 855 00:33:11,133 --> 00:33:13,633 and just got a big mouthful of his big cargo shorts, right? 856 00:33:13,634 --> 00:33:14,900 And immediately he just grabs her and goes, 857 00:33:14,901 --> 00:33:16,600 "All right, get outta here! Get outta here!" Right? 858 00:33:16,601 --> 00:33:18,700 But instinctually, I tried to help out. 859 00:33:18,701 --> 00:33:22,733 He just goes, "Get the fuck outta here!" 860 00:33:22,734 --> 00:33:23,999 Yeah, I didn't realize 861 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:25,700 that the only reason why the dog was acting like that 862 00:33:25,701 --> 00:33:27,266 was because I was there 863 00:33:27,267 --> 00:33:29,066 and it felt like it needed to protect me. 864 00:33:29,067 --> 00:33:30,433 So the second I left, 865 00:33:30,434 --> 00:33:33,333 the situation immediately just became awkward, right? 866 00:33:33,334 --> 00:33:34,933 Dog was just sitting there like, 867 00:33:34,934 --> 00:33:36,366 [valley accent] "Okay, like I thought were, 868 00:33:36,367 --> 00:33:39,066 like, together and we were, like, friends, 869 00:33:39,067 --> 00:33:40,299 and you were some bad guy, 870 00:33:40,300 --> 00:33:41,666 and all of a sudden, he just drove away, 871 00:33:41,667 --> 00:33:42,967 and I don't know how to feed myself. 872 00:33:42,968 --> 00:33:45,767 You wanna be friends?" 873 00:33:47,467 --> 00:33:49,132 Yeah, I come back four days later. 874 00:33:49,133 --> 00:33:51,366 The dog's laying at the guy's feet, right? 875 00:33:51,367 --> 00:33:52,700 He's rubbing her belly. 876 00:33:52,701 --> 00:33:55,800 She's reaching up, playing with his goatee and shit. 877 00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:58,333 And he goes, "Go ahead, have a seat. 878 00:33:58,334 --> 00:34:01,766 Why don't you, uh, take me through your day with this dog." 879 00:34:01,767 --> 00:34:05,766 Immediately, I started getting, like, this first 48 vibe, right? 880 00:34:05,767 --> 00:34:08,833 Like they're coming at me. 881 00:34:08,834 --> 00:34:10,633 So I got like defensive. I'm like, "What do you mean? 882 00:34:10,634 --> 00:34:11,766 I take it for a hike every morning." 883 00:34:11,767 --> 00:34:13,233 He goes, "That's good. That's good. 884 00:34:13,234 --> 00:34:15,032 Anything, you know, special happen on the hike?" 885 00:34:15,033 --> 00:34:17,366 I'm like, "Well, I don't know. She takes a shit. 886 00:34:17,367 --> 00:34:18,600 I pick it up." 887 00:34:18,601 --> 00:34:21,166 He's like, "All right. Easy. 888 00:34:21,167 --> 00:34:24,066 You play any games with her?" 889 00:34:24,067 --> 00:34:25,399 I go, "Yeah, at the end of the hike. 890 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,566 I let her, you know, for reward for going on the hike, 891 00:34:27,567 --> 00:34:29,166 I let her run up the stairs by herself. 892 00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:31,299 I go, 'Go on, Cleo!' I let her run up the stairs, 893 00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:33,266 and I count 5-1,000, and then I run up there, 894 00:34:33,267 --> 00:34:34,967 and then we start wrestling. Put her in a headlock. 895 00:34:34,968 --> 00:34:37,099 Sweep her front legs. Haaaah! Right? 896 00:34:37,100 --> 00:34:38,900 But her tail's wagging, you know? 897 00:34:38,901 --> 00:34:39,933 She's not growling." 898 00:34:39,934 --> 00:34:41,266 I go, "That's a good thing, right?" 899 00:34:41,267 --> 00:34:43,333 He's like, "No, it's fucking horrible." 900 00:34:43,334 --> 00:34:44,433 I'm like, "Why?" 901 00:34:44,434 --> 00:34:45,766 He goes, "You just taught your dog 902 00:34:45,767 --> 00:34:47,833 to claim the house and then fight for it 903 00:34:47,834 --> 00:34:51,867 every fucking day after the hike. 904 00:34:51,868 --> 00:34:54,766 No wonder this thing's trying to attack the mailman, 905 00:34:54,767 --> 00:34:56,666 you know?" 906 00:34:56,667 --> 00:34:58,132 So then I got upset. I'm like, "Wait a minute, dude, 907 00:34:58,133 --> 00:35:00,233 you're telling me, like, I can't even play with my dog?" 908 00:35:00,234 --> 00:35:01,766 He's like, "No, you can play with it, 909 00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:03,566 but you gotta bring that energy back down. 910 00:35:03,567 --> 00:35:05,299 The problem is you keep amping this thing up, 911 00:35:05,300 --> 00:35:07,399 getting that Mike singletary look on his face. 912 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,132 Then by the time you walk out, 913 00:35:09,133 --> 00:35:10,700 doesn't matter if you're relaxed... 914 00:35:10,701 --> 00:35:12,933 mentally, the dog is like walking through the tunnel 915 00:35:12,934 --> 00:35:17,166 at the Rose bowl like, 'this is what we play for! 916 00:35:17,167 --> 00:35:21,300 somebody hit somebody!'" 917 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,166 Yeah, so I'm actually learning to control my temper 918 00:35:27,167 --> 00:35:29,999 because of a fucking pit bull. 919 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,933 So... I don't know. 920 00:35:31,934 --> 00:35:33,800 My girl's been bugging me lately. 921 00:35:33,801 --> 00:35:35,066 She's ready to settle down. 922 00:35:35,067 --> 00:35:37,166 I think I'm ready to settle down, too, you know? 923 00:35:37,167 --> 00:35:38,266 I got the want. 924 00:35:38,267 --> 00:35:40,566 I know I been saying this shit for years. 925 00:35:40,567 --> 00:35:42,700 I have been, you know? She's great. 926 00:35:42,701 --> 00:35:47,266 The only thing I don't like is she's really into reality TV. 927 00:35:47,267 --> 00:35:49,066 She watches all those dumb shows. 928 00:35:49,067 --> 00:35:52,032 Put ten whores in a house, 929 00:35:52,033 --> 00:35:54,867 somebody tries to find a wife. Right? 930 00:35:54,868 --> 00:35:58,833 She watches fat people cry about fudgsicles. 931 00:35:58,834 --> 00:36:00,132 Just blubbering their eyes out. 932 00:36:00,133 --> 00:36:02,466 "Sometimes I don't even open the wrapper. 933 00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:03,933 I just start eating, 934 00:36:03,934 --> 00:36:05,466 and then I get down to the stick, 935 00:36:05,467 --> 00:36:09,199 and I know I should stop 'cause it's made out of wood." 936 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,266 She sits there crying right along with 'em. 937 00:36:12,267 --> 00:36:16,299 Ah, throw yourself in the river, you fat fuck. 938 00:36:16,300 --> 00:36:19,266 Ah, she gets so mad at me. 939 00:36:19,267 --> 00:36:21,166 Look, I don't put on TV to cry. 940 00:36:21,167 --> 00:36:22,366 I like to be entertained. 941 00:36:22,367 --> 00:36:24,299 I love when they fall on the treadmill 942 00:36:24,300 --> 00:36:26,266 and go flying into the drywall. 943 00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:28,933 It's like some modern-day medieval weapon! 944 00:36:28,934 --> 00:36:31,733 I love it! 945 00:36:31,734 --> 00:36:33,066 All those horrific shows. 946 00:36:33,067 --> 00:36:35,933 Biggest fights we have, she watches, uh, intervention. 947 00:36:35,934 --> 00:36:37,867 - Yeah. - That's, uh... you like that? 948 00:36:37,868 --> 00:36:39,867 "Oh, my god, it's so awesome 949 00:36:39,868 --> 00:36:42,999 watching a family completely fall apart." 950 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:44,600 [Laughs] 951 00:36:44,601 --> 00:36:46,032 What is entertaining about that? 952 00:36:46,033 --> 00:36:48,099 When they have that classic before picture, 953 00:36:48,100 --> 00:36:49,666 the pre-meth picture... 954 00:36:49,667 --> 00:36:51,199 "She was so beautiful. 955 00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:54,099 She was the prom queen. Everybody loved her." 956 00:36:54,100 --> 00:36:56,733 Then they cut to her, like, laying in, like, a gutter... 957 00:36:56,734 --> 00:37:00,867 "I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. 958 00:37:00,868 --> 00:37:02,666 I'll suck your dick." 959 00:37:02,667 --> 00:37:05,766 [Laughs] 960 00:37:05,767 --> 00:37:07,967 No, we have these huge battles. 961 00:37:07,968 --> 00:37:09,666 You know what the maddest she ever got at me was? 962 00:37:09,667 --> 00:37:10,867 One time she was watching this show. 963 00:37:10,868 --> 00:37:12,299 It was like a poor excuse for The View, 964 00:37:12,300 --> 00:37:14,967 and they started talking about domestic violence, right? 965 00:37:14,968 --> 00:37:16,733 For the 9 millionth time this year, 966 00:37:16,734 --> 00:37:18,500 they're talking about domestic violence. 967 00:37:18,501 --> 00:37:21,633 Just in case, you know, you didn't get the memo, you know? 968 00:37:21,634 --> 00:37:23,666 Evidently, you know, just some people didn't get it. 969 00:37:23,667 --> 00:37:25,967 It's not okay to slam your wife's head 970 00:37:25,968 --> 00:37:27,967 into the cupboard drawers 971 00:37:27,968 --> 00:37:31,233 because she didn't dry the can opener off properly, 972 00:37:31,234 --> 00:37:33,999 you know? 973 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,833 "It's gonna fuckin' rust!" Right? 974 00:37:36,834 --> 00:37:38,533 How do you not know not to do that shit? 975 00:37:38,534 --> 00:37:41,099 Do they really have to keep talking about it? 976 00:37:41,100 --> 00:37:43,266 Who... who... it's like wife beaters are watching... 977 00:37:43,267 --> 00:37:45,266 "Oh! Fuck! Ah! 978 00:37:45,267 --> 00:37:47,666 "Now I get it. Upsy-Daisy, sweetheart. 979 00:37:47,667 --> 00:37:51,901 Here we go. There ya go. Oh..." 980 00:37:54,467 --> 00:37:55,434 So at the end of the hour, 981 00:37:55,435 --> 00:37:57,333 they come to the logical conclusion. 982 00:37:57,334 --> 00:37:58,900 They're like, [effeminately] "There is no reason 983 00:37:58,901 --> 00:37:59,868 to hit a woman. 984 00:37:59,869 --> 00:38:01,766 There is no reason to hit a woman." 985 00:38:01,767 --> 00:38:03,166 And I was just like, "Really? 986 00:38:03,167 --> 00:38:07,800 I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head. 987 00:38:07,801 --> 00:38:09,433 You could wake me from a drunken stupor, 988 00:38:09,434 --> 00:38:12,333 I could still give you, like, nine!" 989 00:38:12,334 --> 00:38:14,299 Dude, there's plenty of reasons to hit a woman, 990 00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:16,766 you just don't do it. 991 00:38:16,767 --> 00:38:22,199 But to sit there and suggest that there's no reason... 992 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,433 Dude, the level of ego behind that statement... 993 00:38:25,434 --> 00:38:28,233 What are you, levitating above the rest of us? 994 00:38:28,234 --> 00:38:32,099 You're never annoying? 995 00:38:32,100 --> 00:38:33,366 Women, how many times have you thought about 996 00:38:33,367 --> 00:38:38,366 slapping your fucking guy in the head this week? 997 00:38:38,367 --> 00:38:41,199 - Every day! - There ya go! 998 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:42,867 Every day. [Applause] 999 00:38:42,868 --> 00:38:45,800 You didn't do it, right? 1000 00:38:45,801 --> 00:38:47,600 Oh, dude, it drives me nuts. "There's no reason. 1001 00:38:47,601 --> 00:38:49,199 There's no reason." Really? No reason? 1002 00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:50,600 How 'bout this? You marry a girl, 1003 00:38:50,601 --> 00:38:52,099 you fall in love, you buy her a house. 1004 00:38:52,100 --> 00:38:53,766 You go to work every day, paying off the house. 1005 00:38:53,767 --> 00:38:54,800 You come home one day, 1006 00:38:54,801 --> 00:38:56,233 she's banging the next-door neighbor, 1007 00:38:56,234 --> 00:38:57,266 hands you divorce papers. 1008 00:38:57,267 --> 00:38:59,500 You gotta move out, sleep on a futon, 1009 00:38:59,501 --> 00:39:01,900 and still pay for that house that she's gonna stay in. 1010 00:39:01,901 --> 00:39:03,566 No reason? 1011 00:39:03,567 --> 00:39:05,099 [Laughter] 1012 00:39:05,100 --> 00:39:06,366 I'm not saying you should do it, 1013 00:39:06,367 --> 00:39:08,666 but there's plenty of fucking reasons 1014 00:39:08,667 --> 00:39:11,133 in that arc of a story. 1015 00:39:12,801 --> 00:39:16,833 All right, that was a hypothetical. 1016 00:39:16,834 --> 00:39:19,333 You want an actual story? 1017 00:39:19,334 --> 00:39:21,299 I'll give you one. I'll give you one. 1018 00:39:21,300 --> 00:39:22,999 All right, I fucked up my foot playing drums, 1019 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:26,633 trying to get my bass-drum foot as fast as John Bonham's, 1020 00:39:26,634 --> 00:39:28,666 'cause I figure that's a good thing to focus on. 1021 00:39:28,667 --> 00:39:30,900 43 years of age, never married, no kids. 1022 00:39:30,901 --> 00:39:33,266 I figure this is gonna lead me to the light, right? 1023 00:39:33,267 --> 00:39:36,666 This is what I need to do. [Applause] 1024 00:39:36,667 --> 00:39:38,766 So I don't know what I did. I felt like... 1025 00:39:38,767 --> 00:39:40,299 I played for, like, an hour, and afterwards 1026 00:39:40,300 --> 00:39:42,032 I felt like, literally, like there was some midget 1027 00:39:42,033 --> 00:39:43,967 stabbing me in the bottom of my foot, right? 1028 00:39:43,968 --> 00:39:47,199 Like I had lightning coming out of the bottom of my foot. 1029 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:48,766 So I did the typical guy thing: 1030 00:39:48,767 --> 00:39:50,800 "I'm not going to the hospital. I'll sleep it off. 1031 00:39:50,801 --> 00:39:52,299 I'll be fine" right? 1032 00:39:52,300 --> 00:39:54,266 Next morning, I wake up, my foot's even worse 1033 00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:56,433 and I gotta walk my crazy dog. 1034 00:39:56,434 --> 00:39:58,733 So I'm like, "I can't do it. My foot's killing me." 1035 00:39:58,734 --> 00:40:00,867 So I wake up my girl. I go, "Wweetheart, sweetheart. 1036 00:40:00,868 --> 00:40:02,566 Can you do me a favor? Can you do me a favor? 1037 00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:04,766 Can you walk the dog for me? Can you just take the shift? 1038 00:40:04,767 --> 00:40:07,132 I'll do your afternoon shift. Can you just do me this solid? 1039 00:40:07,133 --> 00:40:09,299 Can you do this for me?" She's just like, "Ohh... 1040 00:40:09,300 --> 00:40:11,900 You know, I had a late night last night. 1041 00:40:11,901 --> 00:40:14,633 I'm tired. I have a big day." 1042 00:40:14,634 --> 00:40:17,500 And I just go, "Fuck it." 1043 00:40:17,501 --> 00:40:18,900 She goes, "What do you mean, 'fuck it'?" 1044 00:40:18,901 --> 00:40:20,466 It's like, "Why can't you just say no? 1045 00:40:20,467 --> 00:40:22,099 Why do you always gotta, like, waterboard me 1046 00:40:22,100 --> 00:40:24,733 with, like, a 20-minute explanation 1047 00:40:24,734 --> 00:40:27,633 that eventually winds its way around to 'go fuck yourself'? 1048 00:40:27,634 --> 00:40:29,032 Just say no!" 1049 00:40:29,033 --> 00:40:30,700 So I'm just limping out of the room. 1050 00:40:30,701 --> 00:40:35,066 "Whatever. Go back to bed. You got a big day, right?" 1051 00:40:35,067 --> 00:40:36,733 So now I'm, like, limping down the street. 1052 00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:38,867 I got, like, tourette's. "Fucking goddamn bullshit!" 1053 00:40:38,868 --> 00:40:43,367 Dog's walking next to me... "Bbbrrr! Rrrr! Brrr! Rrrr!" 1054 00:40:45,267 --> 00:40:47,733 I gotta admit, I got a little childish. 1055 00:40:47,734 --> 00:40:48,734 I did. 1056 00:40:48,735 --> 00:40:50,333 I got a little childish, you know? 1057 00:40:50,334 --> 00:40:51,533 I was just thinking about my relationship. 1058 00:40:51,534 --> 00:40:53,132 I'm like, "This is the relationship I'm in? 1059 00:40:53,133 --> 00:40:54,733 You're just gonna do whatever the hell you wanna do, 1060 00:40:54,734 --> 00:40:56,199 all right, and fuck me? 1061 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:57,867 Fine. I'm gonna do whatever the hell I wanna do. 1062 00:40:57,868 --> 00:41:00,199 I feel like listening to my iPod on full blast 1063 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:01,533 walking around the house. 1064 00:41:01,534 --> 00:41:03,666 That's what I'm gonna do." So that's what I did. 1065 00:41:03,667 --> 00:41:05,366 Turned it all the way up, and I just... 1066 00:41:05,367 --> 00:41:06,933 my whole plan was just to walk by her 1067 00:41:06,934 --> 00:41:08,333 like I didn't even know her. 1068 00:41:08,334 --> 00:41:09,700 That was it. She came down the hall. 1069 00:41:09,701 --> 00:41:14,766 I just ghosted her. Just walked right past her. 1070 00:41:14,767 --> 00:41:16,566 Just trying to piss her off. And I gotta tell you something, 1071 00:41:16,567 --> 00:41:19,867 worked like a charm. Worked like a charm. 1072 00:41:19,868 --> 00:41:22,199 Yeah, hung my coat up, turned around. 1073 00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:24,933 By the time I turned around, she was already yelling at me. 1074 00:41:24,934 --> 00:41:28,299 But the music was so loud, not only could I not hear her, 1075 00:41:28,300 --> 00:41:30,600 it actually looked like she was singing the song 1076 00:41:30,601 --> 00:41:32,333 that I was listening to. 1077 00:41:32,334 --> 00:41:35,633 Oh! It's one of the highlights of the relationship. 1078 00:41:35,634 --> 00:41:36,933 So I knew what she was saying. 1079 00:41:36,934 --> 00:41:39,199 I was like, "Whatever. I don't wanna talk about it. 1080 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:40,600 Leave me alone. I'm going on to the computer." 1081 00:41:40,601 --> 00:41:42,600 Right? So I limp over and I sit down, 1082 00:41:42,601 --> 00:41:43,967 and unbeknownst to me she's like, "No, 1083 00:41:43,968 --> 00:41:45,600 we're gonna talk about this right now." 1084 00:41:45,601 --> 00:41:47,900 Comes up... poom! And slaps the headphones off my head. 1085 00:41:47,901 --> 00:41:51,867 I got big ears. It fuckin' hurt! 1086 00:41:51,868 --> 00:41:53,333 So I'm like, "Honey, leave me alone. 1087 00:41:53,334 --> 00:41:55,199 I don't wanna talk about it." Put the headphones back on. 1088 00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:56,600 She comes right back up again. 1089 00:41:56,601 --> 00:41:58,199 Poom! slaps 'em off a little harder. 1090 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:01,032 This time, they spin halfway around my head. 1091 00:42:01,033 --> 00:42:02,833 Caveman DNA starts coming up. 1092 00:42:02,834 --> 00:42:05,633 Talking through my teeth. "Honey, leave me alone. 1093 00:42:05,634 --> 00:42:07,166 Don't wanna talk about it." Right? 1094 00:42:07,167 --> 00:42:09,433 Put 'em on. Third time she comes up... poom! 1095 00:42:09,434 --> 00:42:12,466 Slaps 'em right across the room, and I snap. 1096 00:42:12,467 --> 00:42:14,266 I'm like, "Fine, you wanna have the fight, 1097 00:42:14,267 --> 00:42:15,766 let's fucking have the fight." 1098 00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:17,233 She's like, "We will discuss this later 1099 00:42:17,234 --> 00:42:20,199 when you calm down." 1100 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:21,533 Oh! right there! 1101 00:42:21,534 --> 00:42:23,967 I just wanted to roll her up in her yoga mat 1102 00:42:23,968 --> 00:42:25,366 and stuff her behind the couch. 1103 00:42:25,367 --> 00:42:27,666 Just leave her there till she got thirsty. 1104 00:42:27,667 --> 00:42:29,900 "Come on, let me outta here. I-I have a spin class. 1105 00:42:29,901 --> 00:42:34,033 You've made your point. This is ridiculous." 1106 00:42:35,868 --> 00:42:38,600 No, that's the thing. 1107 00:42:38,601 --> 00:42:39,967 Really is. That's the thing. 1108 00:42:39,968 --> 00:42:41,399 I hate that, saying there's no reason. 1109 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,867 Obviously, I'm not saying to hit a woman, you know? 1110 00:42:43,868 --> 00:42:47,199 But saying there's no reason, I think that's crazy. 1111 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,733 [Laughter] 1112 00:42:48,734 --> 00:42:49,933 When you say there's no reason, 1113 00:42:49,934 --> 00:42:51,433 that kills any sort of examination 1114 00:42:51,434 --> 00:42:54,399 as to how two people ended up at that place. 1115 00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:56,999 If you say there's no reason... whooh... you cut out the buildup, 1116 00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,399 you're just left with the act. 1117 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:02,533 How are you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out? 1118 00:43:02,534 --> 00:43:04,500 Look how awkward it is in here right now. 1119 00:43:04,501 --> 00:43:06,533 [Cheers and applause] 1120 00:43:06,534 --> 00:43:08,032 I said you shouldn't hit a woman. 1121 00:43:08,033 --> 00:43:10,566 I'm just saying, how come you can't ask questions? 1122 00:43:10,567 --> 00:43:12,433 You can only ask questions about what the guy did. 1123 00:43:12,434 --> 00:43:13,967 You can never ask about the woman. 1124 00:43:13,968 --> 00:43:15,633 Why is that? 1125 00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:16,933 Why is that? What is that? 1126 00:43:16,934 --> 00:43:18,233 Answer him right. 1127 00:43:18,234 --> 00:43:19,967 What does "Answer him right" mean? 1128 00:43:19,968 --> 00:43:21,333 What does that mean? 1129 00:43:21,334 --> 00:43:23,533 Are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special, 1130 00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:25,666 during the bit, and you're, like, walking around 1131 00:43:25,667 --> 00:43:28,099 like I'm not fucking taping a special here? 1132 00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:30,766 What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? 1133 00:43:30,767 --> 00:43:32,333 [Applause] 1134 00:43:32,334 --> 00:43:33,800 Fucking had to ignore all of that, 1135 00:43:33,801 --> 00:43:35,433 and now you're gonna, like, yell out, 1136 00:43:35,434 --> 00:43:36,700 and not only that, 1137 00:43:36,701 --> 00:43:39,867 yell something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever? 1138 00:43:39,868 --> 00:43:43,199 "Answer him. Answer him." 1139 00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:46,099 [Scattered tittering] 1140 00:43:46,100 --> 00:43:50,366 Every fucking special I do, there's always one! 1141 00:43:50,367 --> 00:43:54,533 Always, right down the fuckin' middle. 1142 00:43:54,534 --> 00:43:57,766 Talking about hitting women, sweetheart, 1143 00:43:57,767 --> 00:44:00,766 and I think you just added another reason. 1144 00:44:00,767 --> 00:44:03,566 [Cheers and applause] Jesus fucking Christ. 1145 00:44:03,567 --> 00:44:04,600 I love this. 1146 00:44:04,601 --> 00:44:06,166 I'm not even in a relationship with her, 1147 00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:10,334 and she's fucking nagging me. 1148 00:44:12,167 --> 00:44:14,366 [Laughter] 1149 00:44:14,367 --> 00:44:17,132 Fucking unbeliev... "uhhh uhhhh ehhh ehhh ah!" 1150 00:44:17,133 --> 00:44:18,933 [Scattered laughter] 1151 00:44:18,934 --> 00:44:22,366 Look, I understand hitting a woman's a bad thing, okay? 1152 00:44:22,367 --> 00:44:24,266 How come you can't fucking ask questions? 1153 00:44:24,267 --> 00:44:25,466 I just don't understand. 1154 00:44:25,467 --> 00:44:26,766 Like, if I get bit by a rattlesnake, 1155 00:44:26,767 --> 00:44:29,566 wouldn't you guys have some questions, right? 1156 00:44:29,567 --> 00:44:32,366 "How did it happen? Did you not see it? 1157 00:44:32,367 --> 00:44:35,066 Were ya fuckin' with it? 1158 00:44:35,067 --> 00:44:40,132 How did a snake get so mad, it almost killed ya?" 1159 00:44:40,133 --> 00:44:41,766 Firemen put out a fire, 1160 00:44:41,767 --> 00:44:44,132 they don't just drive away afterwards. 1161 00:44:44,133 --> 00:44:46,399 They sift through the debris. 1162 00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:48,800 "How did it start? Here's an oily rag." 1163 00:44:48,801 --> 00:44:51,566 Right? 1164 00:44:51,567 --> 00:44:55,333 Look, I realize I'm coming off pretty ignorant right about now. 1165 00:44:55,334 --> 00:44:57,867 I realize that. 1166 00:44:57,868 --> 00:44:59,867 Let me extend an olive branch then, okay? 1167 00:44:59,868 --> 00:45:02,900 I realize that there's some animal guys out there, okay? 1168 00:45:02,901 --> 00:45:05,132 Horrible guys, you know, have a rough day at the factory, 1169 00:45:05,133 --> 00:45:06,967 come home... "Tuna casserole?"... 1170 00:45:06,968 --> 00:45:10,399 and just start swinging, all right? 1171 00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:13,933 I'm not trying to say that those people don't exist. 1172 00:45:13,934 --> 00:45:15,299 I realize they exist. 1173 00:45:15,300 --> 00:45:18,500 They should be buried underneath the prison, okay? 1174 00:45:18,501 --> 00:45:21,333 So if I can admit that, ladies, can you at least admit 1175 00:45:21,334 --> 00:45:22,466 that every ass-kicking 1176 00:45:22,467 --> 00:45:26,633 doesn't just fall out of the fucking sky? 1177 00:45:26,634 --> 00:45:28,666 Really? 1178 00:45:28,667 --> 00:45:32,466 Even hockey has two minutes for instigating, right? 1179 00:45:32,467 --> 00:45:35,199 They understand that some back and forth happened 1180 00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:39,334 before that shit... you know? 1181 00:45:40,467 --> 00:45:41,800 You know what it is? 1182 00:45:41,801 --> 00:45:44,900 It's every case is handled like that Rihanna one 1183 00:45:44,901 --> 00:45:46,466 where they just say the guy's a piece of shit, 1184 00:45:46,467 --> 00:45:47,800 fuck this guy, blah blah blah, send him to jail, 1185 00:45:47,801 --> 00:45:49,433 and then they never ask anything about that. 1186 00:45:49,434 --> 00:45:51,032 You know, I'm not saying he should have done it. 1187 00:45:51,033 --> 00:45:53,800 But I'm just saying... 1188 00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:54,734 I'm just saying! 1189 00:45:54,735 --> 00:45:56,867 Dude, in your heart of hearts... 1190 00:45:56,868 --> 00:45:58,533 What do you think was going down before that happened? 1191 00:45:58,534 --> 00:46:00,032 You think she was just sitting there going, 1192 00:46:00,033 --> 00:46:01,999 "Oh, my god, Baskin Robbins. You wanna get some ice cream?" 1193 00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:06,200 [Muttering] "Ah... fuckin'..." 1194 00:46:07,968 --> 00:46:09,766 You know? 1195 00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:11,199 Or do you think maybe they were having 1196 00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:13,399 some epic end-of- the-relationship fight 1197 00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:16,333 and some crazy shit was being said. 1198 00:46:16,334 --> 00:46:17,833 Maybe she was screaming in his ear 1199 00:46:17,834 --> 00:46:20,333 some crazy female shit like, "I'll fuck all your friends! 1200 00:46:20,334 --> 00:46:22,766 I don't give a fuck! 1201 00:46:22,767 --> 00:46:26,666 Maybe that's why I sell more albums than you, motherfucker!" 1202 00:46:26,667 --> 00:46:28,166 Right? 1203 00:46:28,167 --> 00:46:29,900 To be fair, she could have just been sitting there going, 1204 00:46:29,901 --> 00:46:31,733 "I need a tissue... do you keep those in the glove box? 1205 00:46:31,734 --> 00:46:36,067 Oh, my god, I'll bring my own! I'll bring my own!" 1206 00:46:38,834 --> 00:46:40,099 No, fuck that. 'Cause you know what it is? 1207 00:46:40,100 --> 00:46:42,733 They never address how women argue, 1208 00:46:42,734 --> 00:46:46,800 which I think is a core of a lot of that shit, you know? 1209 00:46:46,801 --> 00:46:47,867 And I gotta tell you something, man. 1210 00:46:47,868 --> 00:46:49,299 Like, I never knew how women argued, 1211 00:46:49,300 --> 00:46:52,900 but after 20 years of losing every significant battle 1212 00:46:52,901 --> 00:46:54,299 in a relationship, 1213 00:46:54,300 --> 00:46:56,099 I finally figured out how they argued, 1214 00:46:56,100 --> 00:46:57,566 and I'm gonna tell you something. 1215 00:46:57,567 --> 00:47:00,066 I'm starting to turn this franchise around. 1216 00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:01,633 [Laughs] 1217 00:47:01,634 --> 00:47:05,801 I have begun a winning tradition. 1218 00:47:07,067 --> 00:47:09,399 This is how they argue, as far as I can tell, all right? 1219 00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:11,333 If they're right, they argue the point, 1220 00:47:11,334 --> 00:47:13,933 and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point 1221 00:47:13,934 --> 00:47:15,999 until you're down on your knees apologizing, 1222 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,099 begging for forgiveness, all right? 1223 00:47:18,100 --> 00:47:19,867 No problem with that. Totally respect it. 1224 00:47:19,868 --> 00:47:21,933 But here's the thing... if they're wrong, 1225 00:47:21,934 --> 00:47:24,099 they go rogue. They go off-road. 1226 00:47:24,100 --> 00:47:26,466 They start thinking of shit you're sensitive about, 1227 00:47:26,467 --> 00:47:27,933 maybe you don't get along with your dad, 1228 00:47:27,934 --> 00:47:29,132 and in their head, 1229 00:47:29,133 --> 00:47:31,633 they just start concocting this evil statement... 1230 00:47:31,634 --> 00:47:32,999 Totally designed. 1231 00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:35,933 This desperate, hail-Mary attempt 1232 00:47:35,934 --> 00:47:38,266 to make you so fucking mad 1233 00:47:38,267 --> 00:47:40,466 you just call 'em a cunt. 1234 00:47:40,467 --> 00:47:42,066 It's what it is. 1235 00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:44,833 And cunt trumps all the bullshit they did 1236 00:47:44,834 --> 00:47:46,466 to start the argument. Now it's not about that... 1237 00:47:46,467 --> 00:47:48,066 "Well, that's no reason to call me a cunt!" 1238 00:47:48,067 --> 00:47:51,600 And then that's it. You're in this room now, right? 1239 00:47:51,601 --> 00:47:53,199 My girl knows my big thing is... 1240 00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:54,967 my big fear in life is to be that dude 1241 00:47:54,968 --> 00:47:57,433 who grows old, you know, grows old alone, 1242 00:47:57,434 --> 00:47:58,967 has, like, that basement apartment, 1243 00:47:58,968 --> 00:48:01,366 just screaming up at the younger couple, 1244 00:48:01,367 --> 00:48:05,666 "Turn it down! That isn't music!" 1245 00:48:05,667 --> 00:48:06,967 So I noticed that anytime she was losing a fight, 1246 00:48:06,968 --> 00:48:08,533 out of nowhere she'd just be like, 1247 00:48:08,534 --> 00:48:10,333 "Well, that's why you're just gonna grow old and be alone" 1248 00:48:10,334 --> 00:48:12,500 and then I'd... aaaah! I'd lose my shit. 1249 00:48:12,501 --> 00:48:14,032 The next thing you know, I'm in the kitchen, 1250 00:48:14,033 --> 00:48:16,500 washing dishes for the ninth fucking time in a row. 1251 00:48:16,501 --> 00:48:17,999 This is what the argument was about. 1252 00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,433 I was so right. What happened? 1253 00:48:20,434 --> 00:48:24,733 So if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight, 1254 00:48:24,734 --> 00:48:26,666 just know this... next time you're in a battle 1255 00:48:26,667 --> 00:48:29,800 with your beautiful woman, your wife, girlfriend, whatever, 1256 00:48:29,801 --> 00:48:31,500 and they start... out of nowhere, okay? 1257 00:48:31,501 --> 00:48:32,700 You're winning, and they just start saying 1258 00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:34,366 that crazy shit out of nowhere. 1259 00:48:34,367 --> 00:48:37,900 Just know in that moment you've won the fight, okay? 1260 00:48:37,901 --> 00:48:39,199 All right? Don't get mad. 1261 00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:41,299 Bob and weave, slip all of that shit. 1262 00:48:41,300 --> 00:48:42,933 "Maybe 'cause you got a little dick!" 1263 00:48:42,934 --> 00:48:44,500 Just let that slide. 1264 00:48:44,501 --> 00:48:48,066 Stay in the pocket of the argument. 1265 00:48:48,067 --> 00:48:49,233 Okay? it's over. 1266 00:48:49,234 --> 00:48:50,766 The argument is over. You've won. 1267 00:48:50,767 --> 00:48:53,733 Just take a knee and run out the clock, all right? 1268 00:48:53,734 --> 00:48:56,266 [Applause] Yes! 1269 00:48:56,267 --> 00:48:59,433 Lean on the ropes. Let 'em punch themselves out. 1270 00:48:59,434 --> 00:49:00,733 And then in the end, 1271 00:49:00,734 --> 00:49:02,733 you throw their psychology right back at 'em. 1272 00:49:02,734 --> 00:49:04,399 "Well, maybe we should discuss it later 1273 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,099 when you calm down." 1274 00:49:06,100 --> 00:49:08,933 And they won't hook up with you for a couple of days. 1275 00:49:08,934 --> 00:49:10,399 Who cares? 1276 00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:12,566 Who cares? You rub one out. 1277 00:49:12,567 --> 00:49:15,800 Rub one out like a man. It's the champagne of victory. 1278 00:49:15,801 --> 00:49:19,032 [Laughter and applause] 1279 00:49:19,033 --> 00:49:20,700 No, that's what I've learned. 1280 00:49:20,701 --> 00:49:23,867 I finally learned to, like, keep my cool 1281 00:49:23,868 --> 00:49:24,900 in my relationship. 1282 00:49:24,901 --> 00:49:26,999 Happened a couple years ago, right? 1283 00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,533 Me and my girl had this big argument one day, right? 1284 00:49:29,534 --> 00:49:31,733 Actually, you guys wanna hear a story? 1285 00:49:31,734 --> 00:49:34,166 You wanna hear about the time my girl punched me in the face? 1286 00:49:34,167 --> 00:49:35,733 - Yeah! - On her birthday? 1287 00:49:35,734 --> 00:49:38,766 Ya wanna hear that one? [Audience whooping] 1288 00:49:38,767 --> 00:49:40,500 This is what happened. 1289 00:49:40,501 --> 00:49:42,833 To be... [Laughs] If I'm really honest, 1290 00:49:42,834 --> 00:49:46,833 the fight started, like, three months earlier. 1291 00:49:46,834 --> 00:49:48,867 It's, like, the middle of march. 1292 00:49:48,868 --> 00:49:50,433 We're just driving around, you know. 1293 00:49:50,434 --> 00:49:51,933 Since she sees this clothing store, 1294 00:49:51,934 --> 00:49:53,132 she's like, "Oh, my god. 1295 00:49:53,133 --> 00:49:55,700 I didn't know they had one of those out here! 1296 00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:57,166 We need to stop and go in there." 1297 00:49:57,167 --> 00:49:59,199 So I... fuck it. Let's go in there. 1298 00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:01,700 I walk in, immediately I see it's one of these stores 1299 00:50:01,701 --> 00:50:02,999 that doesn't have any chairs. 1300 00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:04,366 I know what they're trying to do. 1301 00:50:04,367 --> 00:50:05,766 I'm gonna be standing right next to her, 1302 00:50:05,767 --> 00:50:07,132 and when she likes something, I gotta buy it. 1303 00:50:07,133 --> 00:50:08,933 I don't give a fuck. I'm not playing that. 1304 00:50:08,934 --> 00:50:10,867 I go over and I sit down underneath a mannequin. 1305 00:50:10,868 --> 00:50:12,633 Got like the dress hanging in my hair. 1306 00:50:12,634 --> 00:50:14,666 "Sir, you can't sit there." "I don't give a fuck. 1307 00:50:14,667 --> 00:50:18,299 Looks like I'm doing it. Looks like I'm doing it, right?" 1308 00:50:18,300 --> 00:50:20,867 [Laughs] 1309 00:50:20,868 --> 00:50:23,266 So unbeknownst to me, 1310 00:50:23,267 --> 00:50:25,333 she finds some sweater that she likes, right? 1311 00:50:25,334 --> 00:50:27,833 Some ridiculously priced... like, 400 bucks 1312 00:50:27,834 --> 00:50:29,233 or some shit like that, right? 1313 00:50:29,234 --> 00:50:31,666 So she knows... It's not her birthday, 1314 00:50:31,667 --> 00:50:33,066 none of that crap. She can't ask me for it. 1315 00:50:33,067 --> 00:50:35,233 So now she's gotta go into manipulation mode. 1316 00:50:35,234 --> 00:50:36,900 "What do I use, what do I use? 1317 00:50:36,901 --> 00:50:38,533 Do I be sad, do I pout? 1318 00:50:38,534 --> 00:50:40,266 Do I use sex? Can't do that." 1319 00:50:40,267 --> 00:50:42,533 You know what she went with? She went with the little girl. 1320 00:50:42,534 --> 00:50:45,733 All right, she just came out, and she's just like... 1321 00:50:45,734 --> 00:50:48,032 [Laughter] 1322 00:50:48,033 --> 00:50:49,967 I'm like, "What's up?" She's like, 1323 00:50:49,968 --> 00:50:52,800 [pouty] "Saw something that I liked." 1324 00:50:52,801 --> 00:50:54,700 [Laughter] 1325 00:50:54,701 --> 00:50:56,099 And I just wanted to be like, 1326 00:50:56,100 --> 00:50:59,233 "Well, then why don't you fucking pay for it?" 1327 00:50:59,234 --> 00:51:01,666 Ha ha ha! 1328 00:51:01,667 --> 00:51:04,433 So she goes over and she shows it to me, right? 1329 00:51:04,434 --> 00:51:05,999 And I'm like, "It's 400 bucks." 1330 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:07,700 She goes, "Can you get it?" I go, "No. I'm not doing that. 1331 00:51:07,701 --> 00:51:10,466 Fuck that. It's not your birthday. 1332 00:51:10,467 --> 00:51:12,266 It's not Valentine's day. It's march. 1333 00:51:12,267 --> 00:51:13,500 What, do I get you that for St. Patrick's day? 1334 00:51:13,501 --> 00:51:16,500 Get the fuck outta here. I'm not doing it." 1335 00:51:16,501 --> 00:51:17,633 [Laughs] 1336 00:51:17,634 --> 00:51:19,800 So then what happened, we're driving home, 1337 00:51:19,801 --> 00:51:22,233 and somehow she manipulated the argument... 1338 00:51:22,234 --> 00:51:23,533 not that she asked for the sweater 1339 00:51:23,534 --> 00:51:27,099 and not that I said no... it was the way I said no, right? 1340 00:51:27,100 --> 00:51:28,399 Got in this huge argument. 1341 00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:30,366 Got so mad by the time we got back to the house, 1342 00:51:30,367 --> 00:51:32,333 I just told her to get out, I'm driving away. 1343 00:51:32,334 --> 00:51:36,733 So I just drove away in the Prius... whoosh. Right? 1344 00:51:36,734 --> 00:51:39,399 So I was so fucked up about it, I had to call my sister up, 1345 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:41,233 right, call her up to get a female perspective. 1346 00:51:41,234 --> 00:51:43,566 She's laughing her ass off going, "You took all the bait. 1347 00:51:43,567 --> 00:51:45,266 You're an idiot." I go, "What do I do? 1348 00:51:45,267 --> 00:51:46,933 She goes, "Why don't you go back down to the store 1349 00:51:46,934 --> 00:51:48,666 and just buy the sweater, hold onto it, 1350 00:51:48,667 --> 00:51:50,800 and give it to her a few months later for her birthday?" 1351 00:51:50,801 --> 00:51:53,867 And I'm like, "Fucking genius! Genius!" 1352 00:51:53,868 --> 00:51:55,266 I hate the pressure of the birthday, 1353 00:51:55,267 --> 00:51:56,600 all her friends... [Effeminately] "So... 1354 00:51:56,601 --> 00:51:58,766 What are you getting her? What are you gonna get her?" 1355 00:51:58,767 --> 00:52:01,066 "Fucking sweater, bitch." Bam! 1356 00:52:01,067 --> 00:52:03,233 That's it. 1357 00:52:03,234 --> 00:52:05,566 Got it. All right? 1358 00:52:05,567 --> 00:52:07,633 Fast-forward three months. It's her birthday, right? 1359 00:52:07,634 --> 00:52:09,433 I'm laying in bed, she wakes up, 1360 00:52:09,434 --> 00:52:10,867 she wanted to go to some restaurant that night. 1361 00:52:10,868 --> 00:52:12,433 She's like, "Did you make the reservations?" 1362 00:52:12,434 --> 00:52:14,800 I'm like, "I haven't made 'em yet, but we'll, you know, 1363 00:52:14,801 --> 00:52:16,500 we'll be good, right?" She starts freaking out. 1364 00:52:16,501 --> 00:52:17,900 "What do you mean? It's my birthday. 1365 00:52:17,901 --> 00:52:19,166 What do you mean you didn't make... 1366 00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:20,299 didn't make the reservations?" 1367 00:52:20,300 --> 00:52:21,933 I'm like, "Wweetheart, it's a Tuesday 1368 00:52:21,934 --> 00:52:23,366 in the middle of a recession. 1369 00:52:23,367 --> 00:52:26,533 I'm sure there's gonna be a table" right? 1370 00:52:26,534 --> 00:52:28,299 So she starts freaking out. 1371 00:52:28,300 --> 00:52:30,967 In the back of my head, I'm like, "I got this sweater. 1372 00:52:30,968 --> 00:52:32,733 I'm good, right?" 1373 00:52:32,734 --> 00:52:35,066 So the more she yells at me, the funnier it becomes to me, 1374 00:52:35,067 --> 00:52:37,800 but like an asshole, rather than laughing to myself, 1375 00:52:37,801 --> 00:52:40,800 I sort of snickered out loud, right? 1376 00:52:40,801 --> 00:52:42,800 Sort of giggled a couple times, and she just snapped, 1377 00:52:42,801 --> 00:52:44,166 like, "Are you laughing at me? 1378 00:52:44,167 --> 00:52:45,733 Are you laughing at me on my birthday?" 1379 00:52:45,734 --> 00:52:47,199 And then the more she yelled, the more I laughed. 1380 00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:48,700 The more I laughed, the more she yelled, 1381 00:52:48,701 --> 00:52:50,500 and it was just this vicious fucking thing 1382 00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:51,733 all the way up, right? 1383 00:52:51,734 --> 00:52:52,999 She got all the way to the point 1384 00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:54,333 she was standing at the back door going, 1385 00:52:54,334 --> 00:52:55,700 "You gonna laugh at me on my birthday? 1386 00:52:55,701 --> 00:52:57,900 Fuck you!" Boom! Slams the door. 1387 00:52:57,901 --> 00:52:59,433 Duh-duh-duh-duh. Runs down the stairs. 1388 00:52:59,434 --> 00:53:00,466 At that point, 1389 00:53:00,467 --> 00:53:01,867 I'm literally in the fetal position, 1390 00:53:01,868 --> 00:53:04,666 like, dying laughing, walking towards the bathroom. 1391 00:53:04,667 --> 00:53:06,366 Then all of a sudden I hear, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! 1392 00:53:06,367 --> 00:53:08,933 She came back up the stairs. And I'm not gonna lie to ya, 1393 00:53:08,934 --> 00:53:11,433 I got a little scared for half a second. 1394 00:53:11,434 --> 00:53:13,032 Nah, I did. I was in my underwear, 1395 00:53:13,033 --> 00:53:15,733 I was feeling vulnerable. 1396 00:53:15,734 --> 00:53:17,366 She comes flying into the bathroom, 1397 00:53:17,367 --> 00:53:20,266 and the second I saw her face, I knew she was gonna hit me. 1398 00:53:20,267 --> 00:53:22,233 Right? And I'm such an asshole, 1399 00:53:22,234 --> 00:53:25,099 I actually have a game plan for when a woman's gonna hit you. 1400 00:53:25,100 --> 00:53:28,132 Like that's how many women I've pissed off in my lifetime. 1401 00:53:28,133 --> 00:53:29,999 I actually know it's going down. 1402 00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,666 This is how it is. Most women, they're flailers. 1403 00:53:33,667 --> 00:53:35,666 All right, unless they had some sort of MMA training, 1404 00:53:35,667 --> 00:53:36,867 then you're on your own. 1405 00:53:36,868 --> 00:53:39,366 You're probably gonna catch a few, right? 1406 00:53:39,367 --> 00:53:41,533 But most of them are flailers. Most are right-handed. 1407 00:53:41,534 --> 00:53:43,566 So you gotta guess overhand right. 1408 00:53:43,567 --> 00:53:45,233 That's the first thing you gotta guess. 1409 00:53:45,234 --> 00:53:46,733 So you get down in the pocket, right? 1410 00:53:46,734 --> 00:53:49,466 That overhand right comes in. Bam! You catch that wrist. 1411 00:53:49,467 --> 00:53:51,999 Second the right's coming, you know the left's coming. 1412 00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:54,366 Bam! You catch that one. This is the crucial moment. 1413 00:53:54,367 --> 00:53:56,867 Second you got the right, the next, then you got the left, 1414 00:53:56,868 --> 00:53:58,266 immediately, you gotta step back, 1415 00:53:58,267 --> 00:54:01,633 and you gotta go like this. [Cheers and applause] 1416 00:54:01,634 --> 00:54:05,132 'Cause she's gonna try to kick you right in the balls. 1417 00:54:05,133 --> 00:54:07,666 As she kicks you, then you spin 'em around, 1418 00:54:07,667 --> 00:54:08,700 tuck your head down low, 1419 00:54:08,701 --> 00:54:10,399 'cause they will try to headbutt you, 1420 00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:12,199 and then you just use the weight of your torso 1421 00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,266 to slowly bring 'em down to the floor 1422 00:54:14,267 --> 00:54:16,333 as you whisper sweet things: "Oh, look at the tiles. 1423 00:54:16,334 --> 00:54:17,733 Remember you picked those out? 1424 00:54:17,734 --> 00:54:19,700 They go so well with the wallpaper." 1425 00:54:19,701 --> 00:54:21,666 Right? 1426 00:54:21,667 --> 00:54:24,833 [Applause] 1427 00:54:24,834 --> 00:54:27,900 But she tricked me. She came into the bathroom. 1428 00:54:27,901 --> 00:54:29,433 She invented this new punch. 1429 00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:31,433 She didn't throw a right. She didn't throw a left. 1430 00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:32,733 She came up with this two-fisted... 1431 00:54:32,734 --> 00:54:36,032 I called it, like, the defibrillator, right? 1432 00:54:36,033 --> 00:54:38,867 She caught me in the shoulder and, like, in my appendix, 1433 00:54:38,868 --> 00:54:40,533 just fuckin'... wham! Like that. 1434 00:54:40,534 --> 00:54:43,433 Almost went flying back into the bathtub. 1435 00:54:43,434 --> 00:54:44,800 And I caught myself, 1436 00:54:44,801 --> 00:54:46,566 and she's all ready for me to take the bait and flip out. 1437 00:54:46,567 --> 00:54:49,500 I didn't. I just remained calm. 1438 00:54:49,501 --> 00:54:51,333 I was just like, "Sweetheart... 1439 00:54:51,334 --> 00:54:53,500 I think you need to go to work now." 1440 00:54:53,501 --> 00:54:56,032 She didn't know what to do. She was like...[Panting] 1441 00:54:56,033 --> 00:54:58,132 And she just walked out. 1442 00:54:58,133 --> 00:54:59,533 All right? 1443 00:54:59,534 --> 00:55:01,600 Went down to the car, drove to work. 1444 00:55:01,601 --> 00:55:05,233 I walked out in the kitchen. I got some cheerios. 1445 00:55:05,234 --> 00:55:08,032 Sat down and started watching sportscenter. 1446 00:55:08,033 --> 00:55:10,233 [Laughs] 1447 00:55:10,234 --> 00:55:12,733 Fucking three minutes later, all of a sudden the phone rings. 1448 00:55:12,734 --> 00:55:14,666 All right, pick up the phone and I just hear her going, 1449 00:55:14,667 --> 00:55:17,967 [stiffly] "Hi. 1450 00:55:17,968 --> 00:55:21,566 Okay. things got a little crazy." 1451 00:55:21,567 --> 00:55:23,233 I'm like, "A little crazy? 1452 00:55:23,234 --> 00:55:25,633 You almost split my head open in the goddamn tub." 1453 00:55:25,634 --> 00:55:27,867 "I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm passionate." 1454 00:55:27,868 --> 00:55:29,867 That's what they say when they start swinging. 1455 00:55:29,868 --> 00:55:30,967 "I'm passionate. 1456 00:55:30,968 --> 00:55:33,132 I just have so much love for you... 1457 00:55:33,133 --> 00:55:35,801 I try to cause you to have a seizure." 1458 00:55:39,534 --> 00:55:41,666 I don't know. 1459 00:55:41,667 --> 00:55:42,867 I'm good at this. 1460 00:55:42,868 --> 00:55:45,999 I fuck up my personal life all the time now. 1461 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,199 I really do, you know? 1462 00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:48,766 I'm afraid to get married, man. 1463 00:55:48,767 --> 00:55:51,032 Why would... as... what man wouldn't be afraid 1464 00:55:51,033 --> 00:55:52,433 to get married at this point? 1465 00:55:52,434 --> 00:55:53,600 Look at Kobe. 1466 00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:55,666 Look at the shit he's going through right now. 1467 00:55:55,667 --> 00:55:57,833 All right? Guy's getting a divorce. 1468 00:55:57,834 --> 00:56:00,132 His wife's gonna get 70 million bucks. 1469 00:56:00,133 --> 00:56:04,099 Never hit a layup in her life. 1470 00:56:04,100 --> 00:56:07,299 You know? Can anybody explain... 1471 00:56:07,300 --> 00:56:08,800 These divorce settlements? 1472 00:56:08,801 --> 00:56:10,800 Can anybody make sense of these fucking things? 1473 00:56:10,801 --> 00:56:13,666 Tiger Woods's wife... $250 million! 1474 00:56:13,667 --> 00:56:15,399 She's a babysitter 1475 00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:19,467 worth 1/4 of a billion fucking dollars! 1476 00:56:22,334 --> 00:56:23,833 Somebody, go ahead... 1477 00:56:23,834 --> 00:56:25,633 somebody explain... justify it. 1478 00:56:25,634 --> 00:56:26,999 Justify it. What, what? 1479 00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,666 He cheated on her? I don't give a fuck! 1480 00:56:29,667 --> 00:56:31,466 Yeah, I don't give a fuck. He cheated on her. 1481 00:56:31,467 --> 00:56:32,933 Great. The relationship's over right then. 1482 00:56:32,934 --> 00:56:34,266 Kobe cheated, right? 1483 00:56:34,267 --> 00:56:36,032 Shouldn't that relationship have been over right then? 1484 00:56:36,033 --> 00:56:38,500 Why did she hang around like some jaded cop for three years, 1485 00:56:38,501 --> 00:56:40,233 trying to get her fucking pension, right? 1486 00:56:40,234 --> 00:56:43,967 Get that ten years in? 1487 00:56:43,968 --> 00:56:45,132 [Laughs] 1488 00:56:45,133 --> 00:56:48,833 I don't know. Maybe that's too harsh. 1489 00:56:48,834 --> 00:56:50,433 That shit bothers me, man. 1490 00:56:50,434 --> 00:56:53,733 Dude, there is an epidemic of gold-digging whores 1491 00:56:53,734 --> 00:56:56,999 in this country. [Laugher, applause] 1492 00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:58,800 And every night I put on the news, 1493 00:56:58,801 --> 00:57:01,833 and I'm waiting for someone to address it. 1494 00:57:01,834 --> 00:57:04,399 Every night. Never see it, you know? 1495 00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:06,299 And every night I bring up gold-digging whores, 1496 00:57:06,300 --> 00:57:07,733 and the whole crowd pulls back 1497 00:57:07,734 --> 00:57:09,967 like I'm up here talking about bigfoot, right? 1498 00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:13,166 Like I'm saying the moon's made out of cheese or something. 1499 00:57:13,167 --> 00:57:18,733 Talking about whores, people! They're everywhere! 1500 00:57:18,734 --> 00:57:20,466 How many? 1501 00:57:20,467 --> 00:57:24,032 How many more great men are gonna get chopped in half 1502 00:57:24,033 --> 00:57:27,800 before we do something? 1503 00:57:27,801 --> 00:57:30,867 Why is it so quiet in here? 1504 00:57:30,868 --> 00:57:32,032 [Laughter] 1505 00:57:32,033 --> 00:57:33,800 Goddamn! I don't get it. 1506 00:57:33,801 --> 00:57:35,600 What is it... women, do you think I'm calling you... 1507 00:57:35,601 --> 00:57:38,233 I'm not calling any woman here a whore, okay? 1508 00:57:38,234 --> 00:57:40,266 So don't pull back. That's not fair, okay? 1509 00:57:40,267 --> 00:57:43,166 If you brought up wife beaters, I wouldn't... uhh... pull back. 1510 00:57:43,167 --> 00:57:44,833 I get it. 1511 00:57:44,834 --> 00:57:47,032 There's guys hitting women. They need to be stopped. 1512 00:57:47,033 --> 00:57:48,700 We gotta understand that gold-digging whores 1513 00:57:48,701 --> 00:57:51,666 are the wife beaters for men. 1514 00:57:51,667 --> 00:57:52,999 Yeah, they are. 1515 00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,199 Except we don't have that Rihanna lumped up photo 1516 00:57:55,200 --> 00:57:58,066 in the end, so it's not obvious. 1517 00:57:58,067 --> 00:58:02,967 It's in the eyes. It's in the lines in your face. 1518 00:58:02,968 --> 00:58:05,166 It's in Mel Gibson's high-pitched voice 1519 00:58:05,167 --> 00:58:06,299 on the answering machine: 1520 00:58:06,300 --> 00:58:09,266 "I had to give up my laker tickets!" Right? 1521 00:58:09,267 --> 00:58:15,233 That is the sound of a man being taken for everything he's got. 1522 00:58:15,234 --> 00:58:18,833 I gotta tell you, I'm envious of women, okay? 1523 00:58:18,834 --> 00:58:20,733 I'm not saying your problems get solved, 1524 00:58:20,734 --> 00:58:23,433 but at least they're taken seriously. 1525 00:58:23,434 --> 00:58:25,933 You know? 1526 00:58:25,934 --> 00:58:28,867 You got 1-800 numbers, you got ribbons, 1527 00:58:28,868 --> 00:58:30,999 there's groups. 1528 00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:32,399 People give a shit. 1529 00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:36,233 Anything happens to a guy, it's just considered funny. 1530 00:58:36,234 --> 00:58:37,833 Some woman cut her husband's dick off, 1531 00:58:37,834 --> 00:58:40,132 threw it in the garbage disposal, 1532 00:58:40,133 --> 00:58:42,600 and turned it on. 1533 00:58:42,601 --> 00:58:44,733 People thought it was hilarious! They were, "Ahhhh! 1534 00:58:44,734 --> 00:58:48,233 Hey, stumpy!" Nobody cares. 1535 00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:51,099 Do you think if a guy removed a woman's titty 1536 00:58:51,100 --> 00:58:52,299 and threw it in the dryer, 1537 00:58:52,300 --> 00:58:55,533 anybody would be joking about it the next day? 1538 00:58:55,534 --> 00:58:58,099 The entire country would grind to a halt. 1539 00:58:58,100 --> 00:59:00,733 There'd be a moment of silence. 1540 00:59:00,734 --> 00:59:02,967 The NFL would have some special-colored headband 1541 00:59:02,968 --> 00:59:06,733 everybody had to wear for an entire month. 1542 00:59:06,734 --> 00:59:11,133 The most effeminate color they could possibly come up with. 1543 00:59:13,767 --> 00:59:16,733 All my heroes are going down. 1544 00:59:16,734 --> 00:59:18,333 Arnold Schwarzenegger. 1545 00:59:18,334 --> 00:59:20,600 Another great man. 1546 00:59:20,601 --> 00:59:23,266 Another great man. 1547 00:59:23,267 --> 00:59:28,032 Taken down by that gold-digging whore of a maid he's got. 1548 00:59:28,033 --> 00:59:30,233 And I'm not saying he's not a piece of shit 1549 00:59:30,234 --> 00:59:32,500 for doing what he did... it was a piece of shit move... 1550 00:59:32,501 --> 00:59:34,500 but how come only he got chastised? 1551 00:59:34,501 --> 00:59:36,566 What about the maid? Why was she called the maid 1552 00:59:36,567 --> 00:59:37,800 that entire story? 1553 00:59:37,801 --> 00:59:40,833 She was never called a whore. Ever. 1554 00:59:40,834 --> 00:59:41,967 Just boggles my mind. 1555 00:59:41,968 --> 00:59:43,933 She knew his wife, first-name basis. 1556 00:59:43,934 --> 00:59:45,733 Played with their kids, fucked her husband 1557 00:59:45,734 --> 00:59:46,867 in their own goddamn bed. 1558 00:59:46,868 --> 00:59:48,333 That's right down the checklist... 1559 00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:49,366 first ballot hall of fame whore. 1560 00:59:49,367 --> 00:59:52,900 Right there. [Applause] 1561 00:59:52,901 --> 00:59:55,399 Never. Why do you think she hooked up with him? 1562 00:59:55,400 --> 00:59:59,566 Because of that 1987 flattop he's still rockin'? 1563 00:59:59,567 --> 01:00:01,500 The giant space between his teeth 1564 01:00:01,501 --> 01:00:03,333 I could put this mic cord through? 1565 01:00:03,334 --> 01:00:06,366 Or do you think maybe it's all that Kindergarten Cop money 1566 01:00:06,367 --> 01:00:09,267 laying around the goddamn bedroom? 1567 01:00:10,467 --> 01:00:11,700 Oh, it's awful. 1568 01:00:11,701 --> 01:00:13,633 It's a horrific thing to see as a guy... 1569 01:00:13,634 --> 01:00:15,199 watching guys go through that shit, you know? 1570 01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:18,066 And then there's no sort of examination of it. 1571 01:00:18,067 --> 01:00:20,366 They just go, "Ah, he's an idiot. Eh, he's stupid." 1572 01:00:20,367 --> 01:00:22,600 That guy's stupid? If that guy's stupid, 1573 01:00:22,601 --> 01:00:25,166 what the fuck am I, right? 1574 01:00:25,167 --> 01:00:26,733 Ha. 1575 01:00:26,734 --> 01:00:28,967 Does it even make sense? 1576 01:00:28,968 --> 01:00:30,266 Why would you do that? 1577 01:00:30,267 --> 01:00:31,666 Why would you accomplish all that 1578 01:00:31,667 --> 01:00:32,867 and then fuck it up 1579 01:00:32,868 --> 01:00:34,800 hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings 1580 01:00:34,801 --> 01:00:36,399 I've ever seen in my life? 1581 01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:38,166 I'm not saying I'm a prize. 1582 01:00:38,167 --> 01:00:40,066 I'm just saying, you know? 1583 01:00:40,067 --> 01:00:41,967 [Scattered titters] 1584 01:00:41,968 --> 01:00:45,066 It's gotta be something beyond that, right? 1585 01:00:45,067 --> 01:00:46,633 You know what I think it is? 1586 01:00:46,634 --> 01:00:48,900 I think it comes down to the way he talks, you know? 1587 01:00:48,901 --> 01:00:53,566 [Grunting gibberish with accent] 1588 01:00:53,567 --> 01:00:58,299 That dude should be unloading trucks in Transylvania. 1589 01:00:58,300 --> 01:01:01,366 That should have been the height of his success. 1590 01:01:01,367 --> 01:01:02,933 But because he's a great man, 1591 01:01:02,934 --> 01:01:05,700 he had the balls to move to America, 1592 01:01:05,701 --> 01:01:08,233 became famous for lifting weights. 1593 01:01:08,234 --> 01:01:11,800 I lift weights. Nobody gives a shit. 1594 01:01:11,801 --> 01:01:14,299 He lifts weights... "Aah, aah, aah!" 1595 01:01:14,300 --> 01:01:16,366 Becomes super famous. 1596 01:01:16,367 --> 01:01:18,700 Did he rest on his laurels? No. Next challenge: 1597 01:01:18,701 --> 01:01:20,132 "I'm gonna become an actor 1598 01:01:20,133 --> 01:01:23,867 despite the fact that nobody can really understand me." 1599 01:01:23,868 --> 01:01:25,833 Against all odds, he starts making movies. 1600 01:01:25,834 --> 01:01:29,166 "Get down! There's a bomb. Get out of there!" 1601 01:01:29,167 --> 01:01:30,600 [Laughter] 1602 01:01:30,601 --> 01:01:33,733 Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. 1603 01:01:33,734 --> 01:01:35,132 "What are you gonna do next, Arnie?" 1604 01:01:35,133 --> 01:01:36,867 "I think I'll marry a Kennedy." 1605 01:01:36,868 --> 01:01:38,967 "There's no fucking way you can do that." 1606 01:01:38,968 --> 01:01:40,967 Bam! he does it. 1607 01:01:40,968 --> 01:01:42,399 Cherry on top. 1608 01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:45,766 I'm running for governor of a state I can't even pronounce, 1609 01:01:45,767 --> 01:01:48,666 and he wins the election. 1610 01:01:48,667 --> 01:01:50,999 Why wouldn't this guy think he couldn't bang his maid 1611 01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:53,600 in his own bed and get away with it? 1612 01:01:53,601 --> 01:01:58,199 This dude has been in the zone for over four decades! 1613 01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:02,900 Four decades... nothin' but net. 1614 01:02:02,901 --> 01:02:04,967 Bang a maid in my own bed? 1615 01:02:04,968 --> 01:02:07,533 Dude, that's a layup. Are you serious? 1616 01:02:07,534 --> 01:02:09,132 I had a hit movie with a midget. 1617 01:02:09,133 --> 01:02:10,700 I don't even need a condom. 1618 01:02:10,701 --> 01:02:14,666 [Silly voice] Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, uhhh! 1619 01:02:14,667 --> 01:02:16,534 Right? 1620 01:02:18,334 --> 01:02:20,500 And then what happens? The smoke clears. 1621 01:02:20,501 --> 01:02:22,566 Then all these trolls come out of the woodwork 1622 01:02:22,567 --> 01:02:24,600 and start judging this great man. 1623 01:02:24,601 --> 01:02:27,166 All these fatties, these fucking old guys 1624 01:02:27,167 --> 01:02:29,733 who never got any with their jowls. 1625 01:02:29,734 --> 01:02:31,099 Coming on TV... 1626 01:02:31,100 --> 01:02:34,533 [blubbery voice] "Absolutely reprehensible behavior. 1627 01:02:34,534 --> 01:02:37,333 What kind of a public servant... 1628 01:02:37,334 --> 01:02:41,233 His legacy is... " [Gibberish] 1629 01:02:41,234 --> 01:02:43,600 [Laughs] Like they have any idea 1630 01:02:43,601 --> 01:02:47,066 what it's like to be tempted at that level, right? 1631 01:02:47,067 --> 01:02:48,366 Like they have groupies 1632 01:02:48,367 --> 01:02:51,266 as they waddle out to their Mercury Tracer 1633 01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:53,299 parked on the other side of a dumpster. 1634 01:02:53,300 --> 01:02:56,367 Really? You're beating them off? 1635 01:02:58,100 --> 01:02:59,800 This guy, he's not a great man anymore? 1636 01:02:59,801 --> 01:03:00,999 Terminator doesn't count? 1637 01:03:01,000 --> 01:03:02,633 Is that what the fuck you're telling me? 1638 01:03:02,634 --> 01:03:04,600 'Cause he fucked Alice? Really? 1639 01:03:04,601 --> 01:03:06,766 He's still not a great man because he did that, 1640 01:03:06,767 --> 01:03:08,633 then the whole thing's over? 1641 01:03:08,634 --> 01:03:10,500 Anybody here think they could move to Austria, 1642 01:03:10,501 --> 01:03:12,900 learn the language, become famous for working out, 1643 01:03:12,901 --> 01:03:15,633 then be a movie star, then marry into their royalty, 1644 01:03:15,634 --> 01:03:16,900 and hold public office? 1645 01:03:16,901 --> 01:03:18,533 How many lifetimes would you need... 1646 01:03:18,534 --> 01:03:21,600 I'm on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish. 1647 01:03:21,601 --> 01:03:23,766 All right? 1648 01:03:23,767 --> 01:03:26,066 How can I judge these guys? 1649 01:03:26,067 --> 01:03:29,099 I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook. 1650 01:03:29,100 --> 01:03:31,099 I'm gonna judge Tiger Woods? 1651 01:03:31,100 --> 01:03:33,766 I golf. I don't walk off the 18th hole, 1652 01:03:33,767 --> 01:03:35,666 and there's a busload of Scandinavian women 1653 01:03:35,667 --> 01:03:37,800 waiting to fuck my brains out. 1654 01:03:37,801 --> 01:03:40,534 "Sorry, ladies, gotta go home to the wife" right? 1655 01:03:42,300 --> 01:03:44,533 No, it kills me. 1656 01:03:44,534 --> 01:03:47,833 And there's no help out there for guys. 1657 01:03:47,834 --> 01:03:49,233 There isn't. There's nothing out there 1658 01:03:49,234 --> 01:03:51,032 to help you handle becoming rich and famous. 1659 01:03:51,033 --> 01:03:54,833 There's nothing to prepare you for that platoon of whores 1660 01:03:54,834 --> 01:03:56,999 that's gonna form on the horizon, right? 1661 01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,633 Like Braveheart... faces painted, skirts on. 1662 01:03:59,634 --> 01:04:00,867 We'll run down the hill. 1663 01:04:00,868 --> 01:04:02,533 They'll jump on your dick in front of your wife. 1664 01:04:02,534 --> 01:04:04,299 They don't give a shit. 1665 01:04:04,300 --> 01:04:06,399 There's not even a handbook out there. 1666 01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:08,700 I saw one article written about it 1667 01:04:08,701 --> 01:04:10,166 on the cover of Time Magazine. 1668 01:04:10,167 --> 01:04:12,900 It said, "Why do so many rich, famous, and powerful men 1669 01:04:12,901 --> 01:04:15,366 act like absolute pigs?" Right? 1670 01:04:15,367 --> 01:04:17,900 And the article was actually written by a woman. 1671 01:04:17,901 --> 01:04:19,500 That's like me writing a book, 1672 01:04:19,501 --> 01:04:23,266 The third trimester and what to expect. 1673 01:04:23,267 --> 01:04:26,800 Ladies, you're gonna feel a pressure... 1674 01:04:26,801 --> 01:04:28,766 how the hell would I know? 1675 01:04:28,767 --> 01:04:30,900 You don't wanna hear that from me, right? 1676 01:04:30,901 --> 01:04:32,600 Then why is this woman telling me 1677 01:04:32,601 --> 01:04:34,233 what it's like to have a dick? 1678 01:04:34,234 --> 01:04:35,933 That makes no sense. 1679 01:04:35,934 --> 01:04:38,800 You have no idea what it's like to have a dick. 1680 01:04:38,801 --> 01:04:41,333 24/7... "Do it, do it, fuck it, do it." 1681 01:04:41,334 --> 01:04:44,032 That's what it's saying. "Do it, do it! 1682 01:04:44,033 --> 01:04:45,600 Yeah, do it!" 1683 01:04:45,601 --> 01:04:48,399 That's how we survived as a species. 1684 01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:50,700 Every man in here is programmed to fuck 1685 01:04:50,701 --> 01:04:53,466 85% of the women in this room. 1686 01:04:53,467 --> 01:04:55,066 Right? Yeah, we are. 1687 01:04:55,067 --> 01:04:56,900 "Do it, do it, fuck it, do it" you know? 1688 01:04:56,901 --> 01:04:58,399 It's just that you won't. 1689 01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:00,600 That's the only reason why we don't, you know? 1690 01:05:00,601 --> 01:05:02,967 That's not you keeping your dick in check, you know? 1691 01:05:02,968 --> 01:05:05,132 Some guy at home depot, working there, 1692 01:05:05,133 --> 01:05:07,967 he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity, right? 1693 01:05:07,968 --> 01:05:09,199 But he can't do it. 1694 01:05:09,200 --> 01:05:13,099 'Cause whores don't care about lumber, right? 1695 01:05:13,100 --> 01:05:15,900 [Laughs] 1696 01:05:15,901 --> 01:05:18,800 But the second he hits the fucking lottery, 1697 01:05:18,801 --> 01:05:20,132 all of a sudden that, "Do it, do it, fuck it, do it" 1698 01:05:20,133 --> 01:05:21,666 you know, that wasn't affecting his life, 1699 01:05:21,667 --> 01:05:23,299 then all of a sudden these whores show up... 1700 01:05:23,300 --> 01:05:25,867 "I'll do it, I'll suck it, I'll do it" right? 1701 01:05:25,868 --> 01:05:27,199 [Laughs] 1702 01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:30,633 No, somebody's gotta step up, all right? 1703 01:05:30,634 --> 01:05:32,766 I'm not even blaming whores, really. 1704 01:05:32,767 --> 01:05:34,399 Just... guys, we're fucking idiots. 1705 01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:35,867 What are we doing? 1706 01:05:35,868 --> 01:05:37,999 Why are we working so hard and then giving it all away 1707 01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:39,500 to some chick who did three shifts 1708 01:05:39,501 --> 01:05:42,867 at a fucking Hooters, you know? 1709 01:05:42,868 --> 01:05:44,433 They're fucking bums 1710 01:05:44,434 --> 01:05:47,032 sitting there with fucking dorito dust in their cleavage 1711 01:05:47,033 --> 01:05:50,032 walking around with hundreds of millions of dollars. 1712 01:05:50,033 --> 01:05:52,633 I'm sick of this. "That's what the law says." 1713 01:05:52,634 --> 01:05:53,766 A hundred years ago, 1714 01:05:53,767 --> 01:05:54,967 I could beat you with a fucking mop handle 1715 01:05:54,968 --> 01:05:56,733 and be like, "That's what the law says." 1716 01:05:56,734 --> 01:05:59,466 Doesn't make us right. 1717 01:05:59,467 --> 01:06:01,600 No, it's unreal. 1718 01:06:01,601 --> 01:06:03,933 And all this shit's going down, and we're not doing anything. 1719 01:06:03,934 --> 01:06:05,500 What are we doing? Same old shit. 1720 01:06:05,501 --> 01:06:08,700 Sitting around watching shark week, right? 1721 01:06:08,701 --> 01:06:11,233 Watching shit about poisonous snakes 1722 01:06:11,234 --> 01:06:12,633 half a world away. 1723 01:06:12,634 --> 01:06:15,366 Just filling your head up with all this useless information. 1724 01:06:15,367 --> 01:06:17,999 What to do if you come face to face with a bengal tiger. 1725 01:06:18,000 --> 01:06:19,833 Don't look at it, don't look away. 1726 01:06:19,834 --> 01:06:23,199 Slowly back up as you push your friend forward. 1727 01:06:23,200 --> 01:06:25,066 Right? 1728 01:06:25,067 --> 01:06:26,800 All this useless information, 1729 01:06:26,801 --> 01:06:29,199 yet hanging between your legs is this thing 1730 01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:31,666 that could crumble your entire empire... 1731 01:06:31,667 --> 01:06:32,833 seven minutes or less. 1732 01:06:32,834 --> 01:06:35,766 Don't know a fucking thing about it. 1733 01:06:35,767 --> 01:06:38,600 Even worse, you think it's your friend. 1734 01:06:38,601 --> 01:06:39,800 Yeah, you know why? 1735 01:06:39,801 --> 01:06:41,600 'Cause your dick's like a dreamer, you know? 1736 01:06:41,601 --> 01:06:43,066 Your dick believes. 1737 01:06:43,067 --> 01:06:45,500 It's like a motivational speaker. 1738 01:06:45,501 --> 01:06:47,299 I don't give a shit what question you ask it. 1739 01:06:47,300 --> 01:06:49,233 It's always like, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely. 1740 01:06:49,234 --> 01:06:50,399 Sounds like a plan! 1741 01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:54,399 Exit strategy... later! We'll be fine!" 1742 01:06:54,400 --> 01:06:56,399 Where's your dick when you get caught, right? 1743 01:06:56,400 --> 01:06:58,366 It's just slumped over like, "Yeah, I thought it was 1744 01:06:58,367 --> 01:07:00,933 a good idea." Yeah. 1745 01:07:00,934 --> 01:07:02,132 You have to know that. 1746 01:07:02,133 --> 01:07:04,066 Dude, if your dick was a third base coach, 1747 01:07:04,067 --> 01:07:05,333 it wouldn't hold anybody up. 1748 01:07:05,334 --> 01:07:07,800 It'd just be fucking waving people around. 1749 01:07:07,801 --> 01:07:09,999 "Everybody, go in standing up! 1750 01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:11,700 "You got it, you got it. 1751 01:07:11,701 --> 01:07:14,299 Aw, shit, here she comes. Slide, slide, slide!" 1752 01:07:14,300 --> 01:07:15,666 All right, you guys were awesome. 1753 01:07:15,667 --> 01:07:17,199 Thank you so much for coming out. 1754 01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:19,867 I hope you had as good a time as I did. 1755 01:07:19,868 --> 01:07:21,199 Thank you! 1756 01:07:21,200 --> 01:07:24,467 [Cheers and applause] 1757 01:07:28,501 --> 01:07:34,033 [Inaudible speech] 1758 01:08:22,567 --> 01:08:24,968 [Crowd chatter] 1758 01:08:25,305 --> 01:09:25,888 OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN from 3.49 USD/month ----> osdb.link/vpn 136527

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