All language subtitles for At.Home.Alone.Together.S01E09.WEBRip.iview.en

♪ At Home
♪ Home

♪ Alone
♪ Alone

♪ Together. ♪

(POOL BALLS CLACK)

Hello, I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together -
An Extra Dose.

You know, I really thought that
I was done with this damn show.

But apparently, someone thought it
was a good idea to cobble together

all the leftover bits that Ita
didn't want to see in prime time.

Bits such as this one.

Now that half the country's
lost their jobs,

people are writing me letters,
asking for advice,

like this chap, Justin, who writes,

"Dear Nate, I've lost everything
due to COVID-19.

"I'm afraid. I'm struggling.

"I miss being able to
go on holidays.

"Can you give me some tips?"

Justin, I can take you on a holiday
without even leaving the house.

I arrived at Justin's house,

taking all the necessary precautions,
of course.

Ahh! Oh!

So, Justin, you excited
for your European holiday?

What was in that spray bottle?

That's a mystery for another day.

Now, let's get started.

Step one is to sit strapped
in a chair for around 36 hours.

This simulates the travel time.

I'm feeding Justin microwave meals
to replicate the airline food,

whilst obviously maintaining
a COVID-safe distance.

(AIRCRAFT ENGINE ROARS)

Buongiorno!

Welcome to Europe.

It's time to immerse yourself
in European culture.

Cuisine.

Pornos.

Hitler wig and moustache.

That Spanish tomato-throwing
festival.

The running of the bulls.

Andale! Andale! Arriba!

Picked him up cheap
from the put-down shelter.

They said he was too aggressive.
I reckon he's alright.

Now it's time for a trip
to wine country.

Have a suck of that one, mate.

Ohh! What is in that?

It's me very own counterfeit wine.

It's just Ribena
mixed with paint thinner.

(COUGHS)

And no European vacation is complete

without a little
historical re-enactment.

Sadly, every vacation
must come to an end.

But even on the plane ride home,

there's still room to add
a little bit of excitement.

(ALARMS BLARE)
Brace! Brace! Brace! Brace!

We're going in the water!
We're going in the water!

(SCREAMS)

And that's how to have your very own
European holiday for next to nothing.

Coming up next, I teach you

how to make counterfeit sushi using
seafood extender and kitty litter.

(SPLUTTERS)

While quarantine has been
stressful for humans,

the same can't be said for our pets.

They've had it better than ever.

We're around all the time,
extra walks,

not to mention
all those extra lip kisses.

Mwah!

But are they getting a little too big
for their paws?

Now, remaining pack leader is vital
when it comes to dogs.

I'm going to show you my tips

on how to maintain
dominance over your dog.

Let's go.

It's great to praise your dog,
but we don't want them getting an ego

and thinking that
they are the leader.

A simple way to dominate
is to remind them of this

by showing them photos
of much better boys and girls.

She acts as someone's literal eyes.

When have you ever done that?

Inspector Rex.

Famous.

Fights crime.

Speaks German.

A way better boy.

He gets the idea.

It's as simple as that.

The best way to control someone
is through humiliation and shame.

The best way to make someone
feel shame -

by getting them cancelled online.

That's why,
instead of posting cute photos,

I've been having "my dogs"
post things

that are a little on the snoot.

Here's one photoshopped
as a tiny Stalin.

And if Instagram isn't your thing,

a few rotten tweets
should do the trick.

Here's some of my dog's tweets.

Now that he's been cancelled,

this house is like Louis CK's
Comedy Cellar.

Who else is gonna have him?

Last week, my dogs kept following me.

It was only when I realised
I hadn't showered

since the start of isolation

that I identified why.

I stank.

I was, in their eyes, a real leader.

Now, if you have been showering,
don't stress.

I've got the quick fix
to get you stinking.

All you'll need is canned mussels.

Your dogs will be idolising you
in a matter of minutes.

You're going to want to get
an all-over coverage.

You smell expired mussels,
they smell power.

Well, there you have it.

Using my handy training tips,
you too can be leader of the pack.

RAY MARTIN: This is Reuben Smeg,

Craggle Crescent's self-designated
Neighbourhood Watchman,

since he
and his stunning wife, Mary,

moved into the area seven years ago.

Mary and I used to go steady, and
it's still a bit weird between us.

Even with the recent relaxing
of the COVID lockdown measures,

Reuben still refuses
to take any chances,

focusing on protecting
the health of his crescent.

Regardless of this easing,
it would be easier

if the residents just stayed inside
to prevent them touching and...

..rubbing and...

Everyone just needs to stay away!

(ALARM WHOOPS)

Reuben's taken it upon himself

to build a series of
sophisticated homemade devices

as protection from germy
outside intruders.

I've taken it upon myself to build

a series of sophisticated
homemade devices.

A vest made entirely
of the movie Cats.

Joe Hildebrand mask.

And no-one is going to mess...

..with this guy.

Playing a djembe.

Go on! Get out of here!

Taking things one step further,

Reuben has contrived a series
of psychological traps

to lure those
that wish to get too close.

Just lay the bait
and watch the yabbies swim.

(THUDDING BEAT)

(ALARM WHOOPS)

You're breaking the rules.
This is not Splendour in the Grass.

You have fallen into
my psychological trap.

That'll teach them to read signs.

Reuben spent his entire life savings
on tickets to Bali

in hopes of catching
a super-spreader.

Let's see what lowlife
would go on holiday

during an international crisis.

Mary?

(SWEEPING ROMANTIC MUSIC)

What...?

What are you doing?

Good on you, Reuben.

You're truly one of
Ray's Great Heroes.

Since Pete Evans
has been fired from MKR,

you may be wondering
what to do with his cookbooks

now that you want to throw them out.

Coming up, learn how to turn
a bone broth infant formula recipe

into a beautiful decoupage
tissue box holder.

Discover the simple joys
of transforming

his beef burrito
for Alzheimer's recipe

into a papier-mache horse.

"Neigh!"

And how to turn
his vaccine-alternative,

autism-preventing paleo cookies

into a lovely warming fire.

I never thought
this would happen to me,

but then one day a parcel
just turned up.

It was, um, sort of this big.

I didn't know what it was.

But he took it to the living room
and I suddenly heard the strumming.

(UKULELE PLAYS)

It's barely an instrument.

It's like a guitar for a hobbit.

But he just won't stop.

No-one should have to listen to
Riptide 20 times in a row.

My life is like an insurance ad.

VOICEOVER: Does this sound like you?

Then you need the Uke Nukers.

No-mess, no-fuss solutions from
the ukulele-crushing professionals.

Our technicians are trained
to destroy any instrument

on the annoying sound spectrum,

from kazoos to bagpipes.

Even your child's recorder.

So, call Uke Nukers today, and
remember, when he starts playing,

we start slaying.

MAN: Hey, that's my marimba!

(CRASHING)

Call now.

Gary here
from Clam of the Sea Cruises.

Guess what?

None of you pricks bought
any of my cruise ships.

So, now, I'm on the brink
of liquidation.

So, for one week only,
I'm holding a cruise ship boot sale.

It's in the boot of a cruise ship!

So, you know this sale
is gonna be massive!

Everything's for sale.

Dining tables from first-class. Sale!

Ballroom chandeliers. Sale!

6,000 showerheads.

Sale, sale, sale!

Everything's for sale.

And if that's not enough,

I'll even flog the contents
of the lost property bin.

We've got Dunlop Volleys!

We've got a Dan Brown book!

We've got 20 kilos of thawed shrimp
from Ugly Dave Gray's dressing-room!

We've got reading glasses
with one of the lenses missing.

We've got Stussi gear.

There's heaps of menthol ciggies,
lighters.

We've got a bag full of sick.

The sick's not hot anymore.

It's cooled down,
but it's still good!

It's the Clam of the Sea
boot sale clearance.

Because if I'm going down
with the ship,

you'd be crazy not to join me!

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

In the world of opera, Andrea Bocelli
is an absolute superstar.

He's sold 80 million records
worldwide. Can you believe that?

And I was absolutely over the moon

when he agreed
to perform for us tonight.

I was then decidedly under the moon
when, just two hours ago,

he rang up, for no reason,
and cancelled.

But the show must go on.

So, here to perform Puccini's
classic aria, Nessun Dorma,

would you please welcome
the only professional singer

we could find at such short notice?

('NESSUN DORMA' PLAYS)

♪ Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me

♪ Il nome mio nessun sapra

♪ No, no, sulla tua bocca

♪ Lo diro

♪ Quando la luce

♪ E splendera

♪ Vincero

♪ Vincero

♪ Vincero... ♪
(VOICE CRACKS)

Fuck it!

Fucking opera!

Fucking over-romantic bullshit!

They say racism
is prejudice plus power.

Recently, we've seen the levels

of anti-Chinese sentiment
in this country

multiply times 10.

But by minusing a little bit
of yourself,

you might be able to blend in
and avoid the equation entirely.

The fact is, Aussies love it
when you act like them.

And when you act like them,
you fly under the radar.

Here are a couple of easy ways
you can achieve that

and, in the process...

..stay safe.

When it comes to work, Aussies
don't believe effort equals reward

and they are generally lazy
and unaccomplished as a result.

By displaying a good work ethic,
you'll stick out like a horse's dick.

So, don't do that.

But do try horse's dick,
which, applied medicinally,

is great for male virility.

Nah, yeah, I can't work today, mate.

Eugene, is everything OK?

Yeah, I just don't really care
about how my slacking off

will affect my colleagues

or, for that matter, my reputation
in your eyes, going forward.

Look, I'm taking
a mental-health day, mate.

So, yeah, just shut the fuck up.
Righto.

See ya, mate. Fucking... coward.
(BLEEP)

I mean, see ya, mate.

If you talk like them,
you'll be accepted by them

and, fingers crossed,
they'll leave you alone.

Try practising some of these
useful expressions

around some of your middle-class
"friends".

Check it out.
I've just changed my Instagram bio

to "Living and working
on unceded Gadigal land."

I'm just trying to do my part.

I've actually been saying for years

that Chris Lilley
should be cancelled.

You guys heard about
Blackout Tuesday, right?

Yeah, I've been blacked out
this whole June.

Just Blackout June.

BOTH: Yes, king.

('BOTANY BAY' PLAYS)

So, there you go.

By following this advice,

you'll have no trouble placating
these people and their racism.

And you won't have to call yourself
the literal happiest refugee

to do so.

Eugene, you're one of
the good ones, mate.

(OCKER ACCENT) Thank you, mate.

(GONG CHIMES AND ECHOES)

(COUGHS) It's just the smoke.

Spending long periods of time
in our home can be challenging,

not only because
we're social, roaming creatures

but because we share our homes
with paranormal entities

and they have unfinished business
to resolve.

Ohh!

Fortunately, today, you have me

to show you how to release
any ethereal beings

and calmly move them on
into the next realm.

Oh! Oh! OH!

Firstly, find that corner
of your house

that is lacking in flow
or positive energy.

In order to do this work,
I need to protect myself

by going deep inside
my sacred womb space.

(INHALES)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(DEEP VOICE) I have arrived.

Once you have arrived
in your sacred womb space,

begin the clearing ceremony
by smudging your home with sage,

available from any reputable
herbal apothecary.

Allow yourself to vocalise
during this.

Then ask for the spirits
to present themselves.

(MOANS) Someone's coming through.
He's...

Oh. He's scared.

This one, his... his back is to me,
shaking.

It seems he's engaging in
some... self-pleasure but...

..he can't seem to get good purchase
on his ethereal grunter

with those sort of wafty hands.

Tell us how we might help you
move on from this realm.

(RAUNCHY MUSIC)
(SQUELCHING)

Yeah. Are you close?

Oh, you're so hard.

(RAUNCHY MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪ You've got the touch

♪ Of love

♪ And I just can't get

♪ Get enough... ♪

Haunt me! Haunt me!

Haunt me!

Yes! Yes!

Ohhhhh!

And... he's free.

So, you can just... just put it there,
thanks.

(PANTS)

Mmm!

VOICEOVER: Coming up on
Grand Designs Revisited...

Lounge?
Nuh. Dining?

When do we eat at home?
Never.

We revisit a couple who made
the big decision to go tiny.

Toilet?
I reckon next to the bed.

Great.

We want a house that best suits

our very busy,
very heterosexual lifestyle.

Yeah.

Like I've got my yoga.
Capoeira.

You spend a lot of time
in those hotels.

We manage the local chapter
of Pussy Riot.

We're not really 'at home'
kind of people.

Like, when would we ever
need a puzzle?

Just got to do something
about this one with her shoes.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Women!

But in this mouse of a house,
does size matter?

Babe, have you seen the mouthwash?

Ah. Thank you.

And has this mini-home
lived up to their huge expectations?

BOTH: We love it.

Yeah, it's our dream home.

We did go over budget.

But we've been spending a lot more
time at home than we were expecting.

So...
Value for money.

We're both still working from home.
It's great.

We can have five people over
for dinner.

(NAIL CLIPPERS CLICK)

I guess there are some things I would
prefer to do when she was at work.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Polo.

Tiny house?
I'll tell you what's TINY!

Go diagonally.

Babe? Babe? Babe?

Maybe if we moved into your vagina,
we'd have a little bit more room!

Living large, 1.5 metres apart.

Yeah, I don't think they mean that
as a maximum.

I think you've had enough of those.

OK, so the bathroom
is actually amazing.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

They're just so big.

Excuse me. Sorry. Can I, um...?

Wait. No, don't. Why is this here?!

Perhaps living large is no small...
Shut up!

(SOBS) It's just a really expensive
caravan, OK?

♪ At least I'm Home Alone
together with you. ♪

Welcome back.

You know, it's always been a dream
of mine to host a show

in a completely off-Broadway
time spot, like this one.

With 60 Minutes, I always said
to George Negus,

"Why are we airing this at 7:30
on a Sunday night?"

Up against Alf, no less.

Whereas here, on the ABC,
after 10 o'clock at night,

there's no pressure
to make the show good.

We could put anything to air and
the audience will just be grateful

that it's not another rerun
of Spicks and Specks.

Speaking of which, why hasn't
that show been cancelled?

It's a very racist name.

Spicks and Specs.

Anyway, here's something
that the young people call content.

The coronavirus has affected us all
in different ways.

I lost my job
at an electronics store.

Not because of the virus.

It was because I stole
seven computers.

So, now I got a job
as a food delivery driver.

As an industry insider,

I'm going to give you
all the tips and advice

on how to get the best value
out of your order.

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)

There's no prawns in the bush.

Only get fish and chips if a shop
is near a river or an ocean

and never ask
what's in a seafood stick.

Nobody knows.

If you're getting chicken wings,

make sure you're getting
value for money.

For example, if you're getting
12 chicken wings,

it should be coming in at
an industry standard of 500 grams.

That's why I bring a scales along
to every delivery.

I like to pair my chicken meal

with the streaming service
I'm watching.

KFC is Netflix,
because it's American and shiny

and got all the blockbusters.

Red Rooster is Stan, because
it's Australian, home-grown,

and you know what you're getting.

And Nando's is SBS On Demand

'cause it's exotic and it's got
a lot of Portuguese people in it.

You don't have to be a family
to get a family pack, right?

What if I'm just a hungry guy?
Like...

Alright, my family took off.
Big deal.

You going to stop me from buying
a family pack?

No, you can't.

If I want a family pack,
I'm gonna get it.

Just feels like the size of pizzas
are shrinking, you know?

They're getting smaller
all the time.

You buy a large these days,
it's not as big as it used to be.

Just feels like climate change,

but no-one's talking about it,
you know?

Shops never put
enough chicken salt on.

That's why I always bring along
an emergency supply in my bum bag.

Plus, I've also got barbecue sauce
in the glove box.

Thank you for listening to
my presentation.

If you're like me and you quit
your job so you could move to L.A.

with your Norwegian boyfriend,

but then Coronavirus happened,
so instead of living in bliss,

you're living in Australia
with your dad,

then I really feel for you.

But with a bit of positive thinking,

living with your parent as an adult

is kind of like being a visitor
in a foreign land.

Welcome to Dad's place -

Casa di Michele.

This exotic destination
has a population of one

but that number doubles

in peak season.

Linda, could you go to the shop
and buy me some milk, please?

The other thing to note
is that the locals speak

a very challenging dialect

that is impossible to understand.

(LOUDLY) Hello.

I'm-a so-a sorry,

but I don't understand anything
that you are saying to me.

Dad's place has a strong
monotheistic culture.

The region's one true god,

this beautiful woman.

Shrines dedicated to this goddess

are found all throughout the area.

While you're here, get into
the swing of the local fashion.

These designs haven't changed
since the '80s,

so you know they're traditional.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It wouldn't be a holiday
without some serious relaxation.

Oh, excuse me?

I'm actually a little bit hot.
Would you mind fanning me?

Oh, fuck off, Linda.

And at the end of a big day,

treat yourself to a room
at the end of the hallway.

Oh, holy cannoli! Yuck!

I'm sorry, I've been asking for
the turndown service every night.

I put the sign on the door.

What sign, daughter?

The one in my head.

And there you have it.

A destination to tempt
any pre-COVID traveller.

And if you stick around
long enough,

you might even
become a local yourself.

And you can also pay the rent.

(LAUGHS) See you next time.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Now, let's say
you need some rations or supplies

but you don't want to go
to the grocery store.

That's where the 5G is.

All my food is delivered in cans.

Everything good comes in a can.

You can get nine types of beans,
fruit, hot dogs,

15 types of tuna
and fancy ethnic tuna

and also tinned 'sparagus,

which personally I find offensive,

but it takes all folks.

Sure, Y2K didn't happen,
but when Y3K happens,

I'm gonna be ready.

Goddamn right.

Come get some.

However, if you did neglect
to prepare

for the inevitable Armageddon,

first of all, you're a dummy.

And, secondly,
it's time for huntin'.

The flying fox or fruit bat

or by its Latin name,
Pteropus Yinpterochiroptera -

with a wingspan of 1.5 metres,
it is not an easy kill.

It's in abundance
in most places in Australia.

Here's how you kill it to eat it.

Now, this should prove
an easier hunt

than my neighbour's cat, Mr Mifkins.

He is my nemesis.

He is a truly worthy adversary.

I have tracked him for days.

I have memorised
the scent of his piss.

I can smell his urine
before it's been urined.

You will not escape me again,
Mr Mifkins.

Step one, cover yourself in bananas.

Now, I'm using cable ties
for this,

because they're dynamic enough to be
used in a hostage situation

or to dress up like a banana tree.

This time... I am the bait.

Step two, arm yourself.

Now I prefer dual machetes
'cause in pitch-black,

there'll be a lot of blind hacking
and slashing and God knows what.

Step three, wait.

(INSECTS CHIRP)

Here it is. Come to papa.

Ow! Ow!
Goddamn it, you sonofabitch!

Get off me. That's my face.

Ow! Leave me alone.
You winged devil!

You goddamn Obama sonofabitch.

Get back here! Goddamn it!

Goddamn, my whole face hurts.

Ow!

I have realised that eating a bat

is what got us into this mess
in the first place,

so I've decided to grant my prey
a stay of execution.

Mr Mifkins, however,
you are on notice.

G'day, I'm qualified pastor
Jordan Pryor

from the megachurch Godchurch.

I'm on TikTok.

Thanks to your generous
JobKeeper payments,

Godchurch now has a second
big screen, a popcorn machine,

and an in-church waterslide
for the kiddies.

Incoming splashdown for the Lord!

Recently, Jesus has been acting
through our Prime Minister again

to provide you with $25,000
to renovate your home,

which is why
I'm launching GodBuilder,

our new program that allows you
to give your home building grant

straight up there, to the big bloke.

As a qualified carpenter,
Jesus knew what he was talking about.

He was basically
the Scotty Cam of Nazareth.

Nailed it!

N-n-n-n-n-nailed it... remix.

But, Jordan, don't I need a DA?
No, nerd.

With GodBuilder, the only permit
you need is God's love.

Bah-boom, bah-boom, bah-boom!

Sorry for calling you a nerd.

So, go on, donate $25,000
to Godchurch today,

and let us reserve you a spot
in the power tools section

of the big Bunnings store in the sky.

I'm talking heaven, baby.

Well, look, I don't want to be
offensive to South Australians,

but why would you want to go there?

VOICEOVER: Oh, come on, Dan.

There's plenty of reasons to come

to the sunniest state
on the continent.

So, pack your bags and take a trip
to the City of Trolleys,

because South Australia
is back in business.

There's never been a better time
to take a punt on SA,

and the South Australian
Punting Association

is letting punters take punts
on all sorts of things,

like parking availability...

..divorce settlements...

Bitch... Bitch!

Bitch! Bitch!

..and backyard child fights.

They're also taking punts
on missing pets:

So, come on down, Aussie punters,
and grab yourself a punt,

because South Australia
is back in business.

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

Of course, during these tricky times,

Australians have been asking
themselves the same question.

How do we make ourselves
really, really oily?

Well, here to answer that
is our resident expert, Mr Oily.

The best way to get really oily

is to cover yourself in oil!

Now I'm really slippery.

Whoa!

I'm the slipperiest boy
in the neighbourhood.

Ooh-ahh! Ooh-ahh!

Uhh-ugh!

The rumours are true.

I have muscular dystrophy.

And since the global pandemic,
my once rare lifestyle

of laying motionless in bed,
staring at my ceiling,

has gone mainstream.

It's like coronavirus
has made all of you MORE disabled,

which gives ME the power because
I hold the knowledge on how to cope.

Because you'll be spending
all your time in your new bed office,

you'll want to personalise it,
like I have with this one.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Won't we have to get up
to go to the bathroom?

No.

This is as far as I ever get.

You can upcycle
your own chic urine receptacle

using an old chickpea can
and some Christmas wrapping paper.

Bonus tip - the days can really
blur together when you're at home,

so to make the weekends
a bit special,

I like to switch
to a fancy wine carafe.

But the weekend's not just
for pissing into a nice vase.

It's for socialising, too.

Now, I know it's tough
to have to cancel plans

for reasons out of your control,

but after years of
having to turn down invitations

because I'm fatigued,

I came up with a solution.

Adopt an obnoxious personality
so no-one wants to be around you.

For example, start pronouncing
French words TOO correctly.

'Kwuh-sonn'.

Something I did was tell people
that I wore leg braces

'cause I'm a member
of the steampunk community.

Worked a treat.

I became so obnoxious that people
stopped inviting me to parties,

and I got to be on TV.

Win-win.

I hope these tips
help you survive this pandemic

and when it comes time
for the next one,

you'll know where to find me.

Right here.

Living in isolation can be lonely.

And while restrictions are lifting,
you can never be too careful.

That's why I haven't seen
another living soul since March.

With a long and lonely winter
just around the corner,

now is the perfect time to build

better, more complex relationships
with our plants.

And what better way to lay
the foundations of friendship

than by laying the foundations
of a comfy bed of mulch?

G'day, Lem.

Don't be put if your plants
don't warm to you straightaway.

That's exactly what mulching
is for. (CHUCKLES)

In warmer climates,
mulching fruit trees like this now

will help to retain moisture
and improve the soil.

It'll also give these guys
the energy they need

for a little bit of rough-housing.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Lem.

But not all plants are as pliant
as old Lem here.

Some plants can remain frosty
even after a good mulching.

Take this little one, for example.

(MUTTERS) Just sit... Can you just
try and be happy for one day?

It can be easy to feel sometimes

that these relationships
are a bit one-sided,

especially with some plants.

But don't be disheartened.

Eventually, you work out which plants
are worth your efforts

and which AREN'T WORTH YOUR TIME!

Strawberry plants are all bastards.

Doesn't matter how much you mulch,
how much you weed,

how much time, love and respect
you put into a strawberry plant,

in the end, it's all
just liquid fertiliser to them.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Did you ever love me?

Can't even look at me,
can you, you coward?

I hate you! I hate you!

(CRIES) Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

(CRYING ECHOES)

(DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT THUDS)

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Officer... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

It's an accident. See?

We were pruning, and he... he tripped.

Right? Right, guys?

You all saw it.

Lem?

You bastards.
I'm not going down for this.

(GUNSHOT)
Oh!

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

And so we come to the end
of the road.

Thank you so much for watching.

We'll leave you tonight
with a preview of a brand-new show

coming soon to ABC Kids.

Now, if that sounds like
a cross promotion, well, it is.

But I'd rather promote this

than whatever rubbish
is coming up straight after us.

Until the next pandemic, goodnight.

Hi, kids. I'm Sani,
the magical hand sanitiser.

And I'm COVI. I'm a virus.

And I'm the reason everyone's sad.

And today, I'm gonna tell you
why Mummy can't play with you,

even though you're both at home.

Mummy has a job.

What's a job, Sani?

Well, COVI, a job is what you do
to get money.

What's money, Sani?

To answer that,
I'm gonna have to take you back:

♪ A system had to be set up

♪ In which two folks could exchange
value and not chickens

♪ And so tokens were arranged

♪ These tokens, they were tradeable
in ways that goats just weren't

♪ And so tokens now became the norm
for everything you earnt... ♪

Gee, Sani, that sure does
sound interesting.

But it doesn't answer
why Mummy can't play with me.

Well, COVI...
♪ As humans started trading

♪ Their potential only grew... ♪
Wow.

♪ Demand for goats was rising
and demand for function, too

♪ A function like goat-herding
might be outsourced to your neighbour

♪ While you might bake the bread,
and so was born divided labour

♪ This fragmentation of these tasks
gave rise to civilisation

♪ Add 6,000 years
and we hit The Wealth of Nations

♪ Adam Smith said
"Ownership by states is too chaotic"

♪ Let's make all assets free
and call it "modern economics"... ♪

Uh, Sani, is this going anywhere?

♪ The world continued growing
and the labour market changed

♪ Jobs that seemed so normal
10 years later look so strange

♪ But one thing never wavered

♪ What an economic quirk

♪ No matter who you are

♪ You'll always have to work... ♪

It's making sense, Sani.
I'm getting it.

That's the spirit, COVI.
Good for you.

Sani?
Yes, COVI?

Did I make everyone stay home?

You sure did.

But they can still
work from home, right?

Some of them, sure.

♪ See, life, it costs you money,
but money gives you life

♪ And so we get to Mummy
who seems glued to her device

♪ But she does this work for you
and now she's doing it from home

♪ So, while Mummy makes the money,
go and play on Mummy's phone

♪ Angry Birds, Rubik's Cube

♪ Let all the freaks on YouTube

♪ Distract you
while Mummy's in the zone

BOTH: ♪ Please go play
on Mummy's phone. ♪