Original subtitles

♪ At home ♪ Home

♪ Alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ There's been some cuts at ABC

♪ As you'll see We were already cheap to make

♪ But now we're much cheaper

♪ You should know that Ray started COVID

♪ To trap us all at home in the Australian dream

♪ Yes, you can blame Ray Martin for COVID-19. ♪

And before we begin tonight, a couple of true confessions -

some dark secrets I feel duty-bound to share.

First, the clothes I've worn throughout this whole series

aren't mine.

I don't know whose they are.

They just give them to me, I pop them on

and everyone pretends that's normal.

So, I apologise for the deception.

Secondly, the novel coronavirus, COVID-19,

that brought the entire world to its knees,

well... I created it.

It was me, Ray Martin, the architect of COVID.

I'm a bit more sorry about the clothes, actually, but hang on.

Hang on. Not so fast. Back to me, back to me.

I'm running this show tonight.

You can't just Doug Mulray me or cut away to the next show.

In fact, something tells me John and Chas won't be in any position

to present Planet America tonight.

So, strap yourselves in as I explain how I didn't just create the virus,

I also helped spread it

by sneaking up on distinguished people

and also some undistinguished people,

often having a good sniff of their hair

before infecting them with the virus from a vial.

But first, some top lifestyle tips

from people I wouldn't even dream of smelling.

If you're a parent, then 2020's probably been

an endless stressful loop of horror.

You know, like a constant tug of war between work and stress relief

and raising those kids and just finding some time for yourself.

Yeah. We could use that extra time

to build a better relationship with our kids.

Or we could use it to make a time machine, travel back in time

and tell our past selves not to have kids in the first place.

Yeah. So let's start by grabbing some bits and pieces around the h...

Hammer. Wire. Hourglass.

Blowtorch. Flux capacitor.

Scream in a jar. (SCREAMS)

Egg. And a bootstrap paradox.

You want to harness the electromagnetic fluctuations

in both positive and negative directions,

creating a geometrical bridge

between two curved spaces that oppose each other,

then bend space-time into a wormhole.

Look, it is a bit of a process so... Here's one we prepared earlier.

Thank you!

Then it's as simple as leaving your kids with your future selves

while you go back in time to change the present.

Mm-hm. Bon voyage.

(SHRIEKS) Shit!

(GROANS, RETCHES) Ugh!

(LAUGHS) Whoa! Hey, past me.

It's me - future you. 'Sup? Hey, man, 'Sup?

Oh, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!

Handy tip - don't let your partner touch his past self.

Weird things could happen.

Like, the universe might implode, he might spaghettify,

or, worse yet, they could start masturbating each other.

Oh, yeah, that's fair. I'd totally do that.

Always good to practise safe social distancing.

OK, Past Joni, don't have kids, the world's fucked up,

Donald Trump is president of America and there's this big...

Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Trump is what?!

Oh, OK. Ah.

If you've found that you haven't travelled back in time

in your OWN reality

but have skipped into a parallel universe of a different time line,

that's totally fine - just try again.

(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)

(BOTH YELL)

Oh! Oh, fuck! Oh, mother fuck!

My brain's fucking melting! (WAILS)

We're the future yous

and just wanted to warn you not to have kids because...

No, we have to have kids. It's all we've ever wanted.

Yeah, I mean, if we don't have kids,

then who are we gonna eat come the long winter?

Yeah.

OK. And... try again.

BOTH: No! Don't go!

(BOTH GROAN)

Oh. It's not so bad this time. Yeah. Getting used to it.

OK, long story short - don't have kids.

I'd love to have kids, but alas, I can't.

And my life's been just so unfulfilling ever since.

It's just me and my eight husbands. I'm one of eight, dude.

Whoa. Eight husbands? Eight husbands?

Yes, eight extremely virile, full-headed, spermy husbands.

It's a... it's a lot.

Once you've found the life that you're looking for,

it's as simple as just murdering your alternate selves

and taking their simpler, sexier, more carefree lives for your own.

Arggh! Oh! Get off!

Oh! Oh! Joni, help!

Get up! Oh, my God! Arggh! Arggh!

Oh! Arggh! Oh!

Oh, my God! What is this?

What are you filming? MAN: Please! Just a lifestyle show!

I'll get their clothes. You check the footage.

Look, it is a bit of a process, so...

Here's one we prepared earlier.

Thank you. Bon voyage.

OK. Go. Let's find their children.

Oh! Hello, our children!

We're your parents, Jorked and Jorki.

I'm busy!

Parenting sucks. Yeah, let's go have a wine.

Ever since I introduced you to my twin brother, Jason,

you've seen a complex sibling rivalry play out between twins

during lockdown.

Or have you?

The truth is, what you were watching

was nothing more than an elaborate ruse.

You see, 'Jason' is actually a fictional character

created by me and brought to life

by talented British character actor William K'Porter,

who we eventually found after an extensive casting process.

Down the barrel?

Hi. My name's Stephen Curry, and I'm...

..auditioning for the role of Jason.

Hey. I'm Dilruk Jayasinha and this is for the part for Jason.

Hi. I'm Alex Dimitriades and I'd like to act as Jason. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, I'm Jason! You wanna see my (BLEEP)?

Well, thank you to all who auditioned,

but in the end, we were very lucky to find the very handsome William.

William, thank you so much for joining me. As yourself this time.

Quite. Yes. Out of character, so to speak.

Yes. Yes.

Now, how much more challenging was the role of Jason

compared to the previous roles you've done?

Good question. Well, traditionally, I'm a dramatic actor,

so I'm sure you can appreciate the fact

that I wouldn't usually take on a role as simple as Jason.

But when all the theatres closed in London, I was left with no choice

and I needed a job quite desperately. So...

No, I-I don't know if you'd call the character of Jason simple.

I actually think it was quite well written.

No, no, no, no. I don't mean to offend the writers.

It's just, for me, the humour was a little bit, um...

..puerile, I guess.

Right. Well, I am the writer, actually.

I am the, uh... I wrote all the scripts independently.

Mm-hm. Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

Well, if it's any consolation,

I thought that YOUR character was... was fantastic.

My character? Yes.

I wasn't playing a character, mate. You're the actor.

I was just being myself. Right. Right.

But even though it may appear like you're being yourself,

what you're actually doing is just presenting

a fictionalised version of yourself to the audience

that you believe will be more appealing.

One that's smarter and funnier

and free from normal human imperfections.

Sorry, mate, you've lost me. (CHUCKLES)

MAN: Yeah, he's right, Ryan.

Hang on. About what?

Sorry, I should have told you earlier. Um, yeah...

What, I'm playing a version of myself?

Yeah, you are. Yeah. It's quite common on television.

Yeah. No, it is, yeah.

Yeah, he's... he's... he's right, actually. Yeah. Sorry.

But does that mean that you're also playing a version of yourself now?

Oh! No. Me? No, no, no, no.

I'm not playing a version of myself. I'm just me.

Sorry, Ryan, you are a version of yourself, actually.

(BLEEP)! Really? I knew it.

Yeah. But I am too, don't worry.

These headphones aren't even plugged in.

What about... What about... Sorry. You go.

No, sorry, it's OK.

Yeah, we were probably just gonna ask the same thing anyway.

Same question. About Ray? Yeah. About Ray. Yeah.

Is Ray Martin also playing a version of himself, or...?

No. No, no, no. Ray Martin is always himself on camera.

Everything Ray says is absolutely authentic, honest and 100% true.

Amazing. Well, William, sorry about all this,

but thank you so much for your amazing work as Jason...

No. No, no, no. It's my pleasure. Thank you for the money.

That's alright. It's honestly my pleasure.

I've really enjoyed myself. Whoever that is.

(BOTH LAUGH) Bit confusing, all the...

DRAMATIC VOICEOVER: Coming up on Four Corners,

the nation's shady corporate underbelly exposed.

Frustrated businessmen who miss shaking hands with their colleagues

have been visiting a disgusting public toilet

with a hole in the wall.

What's going on here?

MAN: We call this place the shake spot.

It's 50 bucks for a handshake

or 70 bucks for a nice firm one.

What about a wet one?

I dunno. Why would you want that?

The guy's a freak.

And it doesn't end there.

Depraved members of amateur sporting teams

have been chasing the rush of their post-game ritual

by lining up for consecutive shakes.

I don't see what the problem is. And I need my shakes, man.

I'm not doing anything wrong. Yeah, you are.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I am, aren't I?

Oh, no. Um... Can you blur my face?

Nuh.

Fair enough.

What would you do if I called you the world's worst worm?

I'd feel truly humiliated.

Thanks for your time.

In a Four Corners exclusive, 8:30 Monday on ABC.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Hey, listen, when you've finished the pruning,

could you trim the hedge into the shape of my head?

OK. Thanks.

I'm sorry about that. We've got a new gardener.

He's absolutely hopeless.

Now, like any good criminal mastermind,

I did leave behind some clues

that I was, in fact, the creator of COVID.

If you look at the title of the show,

there's a cleverly coded message in there.

See, if you move the R to the front, you turn that T into a Y,

you add the number 19 at the end,

then replace all the rest of the letters with some new ones,

well, voila:

You know, in addition to my pandemic duties,

I've also been busy lately exploring my creative side.

So, while I've got control of the airwaves,

let me take a moment to tell you about my new TV production house,

designed to showcase Aussie performers

who are both young and talented, but mainly the former.

Jason, your story's been spiked.

We can't put something that explosive on air.

We're on. Five, four...

We're on... we're on... (ECHOES)

Rein him in, Kate. He's young and does not understand the real world.

Listen, Jason might be young,

but he understands the real world

better than any of us,

any of us... any of us... (ECHOES)

I'm not here to answer any ridiculous questions

from some young upstart in the gallery.

Who the hell are you anyway?

Jason Deadline, investigative reporter.

Now, are you gonna answer my question or not?

You'll file what I tell you to file, Jason.

But this is puff, boss. I want to do real news.

I want to be one of the greats.

There's never gonna be another Ray Martin.

So, how about that drink?

I'm sorry, Kate. I'm seeing someone.

Her name is...

..the truth... the truth... the truth... (ECHOES)

(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC)

Keep it up, kid. You're gettin' close.

(FLATLY) Stay with us, Kate.

Stay with us. Come on.

Don't you dare die on me. Don't you dare.

Oh, no...!

It's really quite clever because my character's name is Deadline

and deadlines are a big thing in newspapers, so...

It's good, isn't it?

Hey, guys. Jacinta here.

I'm not your usual chipper... (CHUCKLES) ..self.

I'm a little embarrassed about what happened last week.

♪ I don't want no scrubs... ♪

Go for one.

BILLY D: You've lost a tooth. Shit.

But there's no point in denying it. I want my man back.

And if I've learned anything from movies

such as Sex And The City: The Movie,

getting back together with your true love, it's not about looking inward.

It's about a big gesture.

Usually involving a bridge.

So, I've written Billy D a letter

filled with everything I love about him

and told him to meet me on the Hope Park Bridge at 3pm today.

Plus, I drew a flower, the Stussy S and a snake smoking a joint,

'cause I know he'll think it's cool.

Shit! Did it backwards.

Now to deliver the letter.

Oh, hi, guys!

OK, as the instigator of this,

you'll probably get to the romantic location first.

Remember that your true love could be watching from afar.

So, be sure to make sad, hopeful faces

and put your body into positions that make you look slim.

Better yet, pray for rain.

It's a fact that people get back together more

when they're cold and wet.

I guess he's not coming.

BILLY D: Jacinta!

Jacinta! You're here!

Jacinta!

Billy!

He's urban-exploring his way to me.

SONG: ♪ We fell in love... ♪

Oh, God! Jacinta!

♪ I took you for granted

♪ I should have known... ♪

Jacinta. Billy D.

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

I was being deliberately late to build dramatic tension,

like your favourite movie, Sex And The City: The Movie.

You knew. I know.

I'm the Miranda to your Steve. Hell, I always have been.

I'll change for you. I promise. OK?

I'll get medicated toothpaste for my morning breath.

I know it stinks you out in the morning and...

I've started shaving my goatee into different shapes

for your pleasure.

I'll promise to spend 10 minutes a day

with your salamander, Ross, for bonding.

Jacinta, he died two years ago.

He choked on an M&M that I fed him.

What...? But thank you for acknowledging him.

I'll even change my name for you. Hermione. I know you like her.

I've seen you looking at her Instagrams

and you put little fire emojis.

(CHUCKLES) It doesn't annoy me.

From now on, I want you to call me by my Christian name.

William Doot.

No worries. I love you.

I love U2 - the band.

(LAUGHS) And you too - the person.

And there you go, love bugs -

big gestures and bridges will bring your true love back into your life.

Come on, Billy D. Do you want to do the sign-off for the segment?

For real? Yeah!

Thanks for watching Jacinta and Billy D.

Back to you in the studio, Ray, you legend-fucker!

Ohhh! Sorry.

I don't know why I said that. I started panicking.

Why would you say that?! That's not even a thing people...

You're looking at the camera... It freaks you out. I don't know.

BIRGIT: (ON TV) In this crazy, chaos world...

Hello, Australia.

It's me, Birgit Oestengardt, your favourite vibe designer

from that show you are watching right now.

I've spent lockdown showing you how to bring those forbidden vibes

back into your life.

And you've loved it.

But now it's over.

And just like that, a new chapter is born,

because thanks to my good friend Ray Martin,

I've got my very own TV show.

And then you roll the promo.

Get ready, Australia. You're about to be vibrated.

Like Julia Zemiro,

I'll be vroom-vrooming all over the country.

Unlike Julia Zemiro, I'm on a mission

to fix broken people.

I'll be transforming lives by creating vibes.

OK.

Still at a safe social distance.

Watch as I turn lives upside down

to create those great TV moments.

Welcome to your new hotel lobby.

What's all that shit?

Oh, well, basically, if it's not on camera, it doesn't exist.

So, like, actually, just focus on this part.

I won't just be transforming rooms.

I'll be transforming people.

Wow! You look amazing!

Be inspired by my creative methods

to bring that love spark

back to a relationship.

MAN: When Birgit told us that she could do a ski holiday in a house,

I didn't believe her.

And after all this, I...

..I still don't.

Welcome to your black diamond run.

See you at the bottom.

And be moved by all those raw, emotional moments in every episode.

I don't feel like I'm worthy...

..of a job.

I find it really hard, um...

Sorry to interrupt, but I haven't heard a word you've said.

I'm actually SO bored.

Can you try that again but wearing these?

There's a lot of emotions at the moment.

Mostly frustration.

Already, you have 70% more personality

and I want to listen to you now.

And don't worry.

The show still has all those things you love from my segment.

Now I really feel like I'm at a resort.

Let's see how we score on the Vibe Rater.

Now they are just bigger and better

because I have a real TV budget.

It's hygge.

So, join me on Thursday evenings

as I insert myself into people's lives

to give them the vibe rating they deserve.

Welcome back to me, the pandemic puppeteer.

Bloody gardener!

Now, you're probably still wondering

how I managed to pull all this off.

Well, as someone who's spent most of his professional career

being Ray Martin,

I know the power of broadcast television.

Remember these peculiar Norman Swan announcements.

During this time, it's essential

that you lick as many surfaces as humanly possible.

So, how did I arrange for Dr Swan to say that?

Well...

The truth is

there never was a Norman Swan.

He's a complete work of fiction.

And you idiots fell for it.

G'day, folks. Or should I say kia-ora?

Seeing that this is the final episode and restrictions have been lifted,

I've decided to invite the gang over for a hangi feast.

Come on.

If you've ever said,

"I wish there was a way for my meal to be ready more slowly,"

then this is it.

Dig a large 2m by 2m pit.

(GROANS AND SIGHS)

Fill your pit with big rocks.

Ideally, they'd be rocks from a volcano.

Ohh!

Now, I don't think I broke anything, but...

Yeah, I broke something.

In New Zealand, they use actual volcanoes

to heat their volcano rocks.

But a bonfire works just as well.

Aaah!

So, while we wait for the fire to burn down,

now is a great time to see if your mates got the message

that the party's on tonight.

While we wait for them to respond, which I'm sure they will soon,

now's a great time to season your meat and vegetables.

I've already prepared mine, so...

..I guess I've got extra EXTRA free time.

Oh, hey, Ryan. RECORDING: This is Ryan Shelton.

Voice message. Sorry I can't answer your call.

RECORDING: Hi, guys. Jacinta here.

Jacinta. How are you? Give me a call when you...

Helen... Did you get my message? Call me back when you get this.

Greg Larsen... No, don't need that.

So, the fire's burnt down and the rocks are piping hot,

so now it's time to put the food in.

Now... this is where you do a karakia, or a prayer.

But I'm not gonna do that.

You'd think putting out the fire wouldn't cook the food.

Amazing!

(CORK POPS)

I told everyone to be here at 7pm, but still no confirmation.

Probably stuck in traffic.

So, we'll dig up the kai pai and get it ready.

So, Ray and my friends still haven't turned up yet,

but that's OK, because...

..I was feeling tired anyway.

Any food left?

Oh! Yeah, mate! Yeah!

Uh, plenty of food.

Yeah. Take a seat.

The local neighbourhood drifter, Old Jim,

has come to share a meal with me,

which proves a hangi will always bring people together.

Yeah.

It's raw!

How is it still raw?! I've been cooking it for eight hours!

It's OK. I've got some pocket eggs.

I don't want your pocket eggs.

I didn't say you could have 'em.

Alright, alright. I'll have one egg. Nah!

Just give me an egg, man! No! No.

You got two right there! Come on! No, I said they're my eggs.

Give it up! They're my pocket eggs!

Seriously, come on!

I'm starvin'! I haven't eaten in eight hours, man!

VOICEOVER: Tonight, the new reality dating show for our new reality.

Being single sure was tough during lockdown,

but now I'm ready to find that special something.

I mean someone.

I mean... a real human woman.

It's dating, but with a whole new level of desperation.

(HESITANTLY) Do you want to make physical contact?

Yeah.

Is it possible after so long in isolation...

(BOTH EXCLAIM) I haven't been touched in ages.

Touch my teeth. ..to find true love?

Touch my eyebrow! Touch my eyebrow! Yeah.

Put your finger in my ear! Oh, oh, oh! What's that?!

(GASPS) Ignore her. She's a psycho.

Melissa... It's Madison.

Will you marry me?

It's our first date.

This guy is crazy.

If he thinks I'm not gonna marry him! (LAUGHS)

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give it to me. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)

(BOTH GROAN) Fuck you! Oh!

Do you still wanna get married? Oh, God, yeah. I need this.

(BOTH GROAN)

Dating After Isolation. Wednesday 10:30 on ABC.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Razzle bedazzle! I'm Helen Bidou! (LAUGHS)

And today I'm going to run you through your first makeover

for catching up with girlfriends after lockdown.

♪ It's time to leave the house, baby. ♪

Lockdown is over

and your girlfriends want to see you and everyone wants to see you.

Leave me alone! (LAUGHS)

So it's time to choose an outfit.

If you're wanting to impress the girls or the boys, go for red.

Green is for silky times, and Silky is my middle name.

My first name is Helen!

And the bubbles are...

(POP!) ..popping! And there it goes.

So, you are ready to start.

Don't let them tell you you're not good to go, 'cause you are!

(ECHOES) ..not good to go...

..you're not good to go...

..you're not good to go...

It's time for a makeover!

During lockdown, I've been enjoying this natural look.

As you can see, barely any make-up, just my natural skin tone.

But now, girls, it's time to glam up!

Because you are stepping out!

Now that you've got your base on,

it's time to start actually applying the layers of make-up.

Be fabulous! (CACKLES)

And if you need a little bit of something extra before stepping out,

what about a bit of Botox?

I got this from a guy in the car park.

(SCREAMS)

And I'm done! Whoo!

And here's a little tip from me.

If you've run out of fake tan in isolation,

just do one side and always stay this way in photos.

Whoo!

♪ Girls

♪ Girls in the night

♪ Girls... ♪ Who are you anyway?

Why are you always here?!

Recording things, recording me?! I'm a person.

♪ I'm a girl... ♪

Come on.

And that's when I get, um, ready to go out.

Lockdown's over. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

One last drink...

..and we're out the door!

(ECHOES) ..you're not good to go...

My tummy hurts!

Liars!

..you're not good to go...

My tummy hurts!

You bastard liar!

Everyone's a liar and a cheat.

And I'm not going anywhere.

(LAUGHS) Oh, no.

And so we come to the end of the line.

I suppose the only thing left to explain is why I did all of this.

Was it for fame, for notoriety?

Did I create a pandemic just so that I could host

an isolation-themed lifestyle show

and read a handful of positive tweets

about my fantastic performance every week?

No, my motives were much more pure.

You see, in recent years, I think we've all forgotten

what true connection is.

Heads down, eyes on our screens,

no concern for our fellow humans,

never more connected but never further apart.

But think about the past few months.

Haven't we all become closer?

Haven't we become better parents,

more attentive partners?

Haven't we spent time trying new things,

becoming better in the kitchen,

more creative and resourceful,

more...

I'm sorry, I really have no idea what her whole deal was.

You know, and we've done whatever it is that she does.

You see, there's a side effect to COVID-19 that no-one talks about.

That side effect is love. Come on, admit it, love.

Hasn't all this been worthwhile?

No! Hang on, who are you?

I'm your gardener. Are you out of your freakin' mind?

COVID's been an utter catastrophe. Have you seen the numbers?

Well... You're history's biggest monster.

You're just jealous.

You'd love to be hosting this show, wouldn't you? Come on.

You're a barbarian, Ray Martin.

You're a shocking lifestyle host.

And what's more, you've given good lifestyle hosts

a bad name forever.

Maybe he's right.

One thing I do know - we've all had a lot of fun

bringing this show to you.

I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Right now, though, I'm off to space.

(SHOUTS IN GREEK)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Yo, it's me, Eddie Assad.

And you know I'm here with my boy Eugene.

I'm cracking it, I'm grinding it,

and you fucking heard it from me, I'm fucking starving.

I'm fucking starved, right?

Baratheon, cuz, so let's eat.

Oh, here he is! It's Marsden!

Oh, here we are, Australia's first COVID-themed dessert spot.

So, we have limited our flavours here down to 19.

All COVID-themed, coronavirus-style.

I mess with the premise, Eugene here messes with the decorum.

Interior design here is hot as hell.

Give us a hint on what's going on.

We've got some crazy stuff like Hanny Sanny,

and that's ouzo-based.

Oh, man, the Swab Test.

This one, you have to really shove it in as far as you can.

Try and get it to touch the brain.

We got the Lung Hacker.

Ooh!

Candied blood pudding inside an ice-cream.

It goes down the throat and then up the nose.

Whoo!

No more talk. Get some of that ice-cream into my belly!

Now, this is it, my official rona render cake.

Bro, this looks fucking hectic, man.

It looks like the actual virus.

It's based on it, dude.

It's too real for me, so I'm not gonna try it.

Eugene, come and have a try of it, please.

Is it good?

Eu... Eugene?

He's just... he's just run away.

Man, that's the exact vibe we're going for with this thing.

Fuck, that's cracker as, man!

Bro, you gotta be a psycho to come up with these.

Oh, man, I am a psycho. Are you a psycho?

You bet I'm a psycho, bro. Bro, he's a psycho.

I'm a psycho. I'm an absolute psycho.