Original subtitles

'Home' is a word we so often take for granted, isn't it?

But over the past few months, we've seen that our homes

are so much more than just a place to live.

They offer us safety, security,

a place for families to come together

and look at their phones.

But perhaps more than anything else...

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, shit!

♪ At home ♪ Home

♪ Alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ My wife just said she wants a divorce

♪ Unless I get off the sauce and lose a few kgs

♪ 'Cause I look like a giant baby

♪ First depression and then recession

♪ My super's worth less than an arts degree

♪ And you're stuck at home alone together with me. ♪

Hi, honey. I've locked... locked myself out again. Yeah, I know.

No, I've got the washing, it's all here.

Don't worry, I'll sort something out. Gotta go, gotta go. Love you, too.

Bye. (KISSES)

Sorry, I'm just...

..chatting to George Negus.

He usually has a spare key, but he's out in the bush the moment.

Do you even need me for this bit?

Can't you just roll the "Coming up", all that sort of teaser stuff?

Tonight, how to get the best price for your waterfront home

in order to pay for your child's new arts degree.

Plus how Sam Newman overtook COVID-19

as the most toxic presence in Victoria.

And we'll show you how the sustained cyber attack

threatening Australia's internet

is actually just the NBN.

Now, if you're one of the thousands of Australians

doing it tough right now,

then I can say with some confidence that this next segment

won't do anything to change that.

Damn it!

(ORGANIST PLAYS 'WEDDING MARCH')

Post-pandemic life has so many rules,

it's stifling all our big plans.

Weddings can only have 20 guests.

Funerals, however, can have up to 50.

Now, that's a party I want to be invited to.

So, today, I'm going to show you...

(ORGANIST PLAYS 'FUNERAL MARCH') ..how to get round those pesky laws

by giving your big day a funeral vibe makeover.

When you think about it,

isn't a wedding just a funeral for your single life?

(BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

Picking your venue is easy.

Just replace that expensive banquet hall

with a back room at the local RSL.

And because funerals never have decorations,

this badly carpeted stink-hole is ready to go as is.

To ensure that your invite looks like a funeral pamphlet,

make it on the PC computer that your parents have had since the '90s.

That way, you'll achieve that classic, homemade,

in a rush, the day after they died vibe

that all funeral pamphlets have.

Black, black, black and more black.

For the ladies,

grab that little black dress you have in your closet.

You know the one you bought because a rom-com told you to?

And for the gentlemen, just wear what you always wear.

At weddings, there is so much pressure for the food to be good,

but thanks to your funeral theme, all you have to do

is throw some little sandwich triangles on a platter

and you are done.

As we all know, sandwich triangles

are the saddest food item ever created.

Use an urn as your wishing well

to give your day that authentic touch of a funeral vibe.

Just make sure it's not already occupied.

And here are some things you don't have to change at all.

A church man,

open bar,

excessive flowers, excessive speeches...

..all of his girlfriends, from start to finish.

..a drunk uncle,

excessive crying,

carrying a body.

If you do it right,

it could be the happiest saddest day of your life.

Let's see how we score on the Vibe Rater.

This vibe rating had taken me all the way to heaven.

Now there is no pressure on the best man to be funny,

maybe he actually will be.

Marriage is grand and divorce is about 100 grand.

Anyway, um...

Lucky we're at a funeral 'cause he just killed the room.

Guys, today's cooking challenge is all about ethical cooking.

This dal recipe will hug your stomach and a tree

because all the ingredients we're using are ethical.

Now, you can't put a price on an ethical world,

but these ingredients were unbelievably expensive.

So, I've taken up a couple of extra jobs to cover the costs.

Soak your locally sourced, non-GMO lentils overnight.

Rinse, then simmer with recycled cruelty-free alkaline water,

carbon-neutral turmeric

and fresh, activated tomatoes from your local farmer's market.

There's something wholesome about putting your money

back into the community.

(PHONE RINGS) Oh!

Talk to me. No, no, don't waste your bullets.

Just ship it out tonight, I'll deal with the details.

And then heat your organic coconut oil

and add it to your fair-trade cumin seeds.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "Why didn't he use ghee?"

Well, ghee is clarified butter,

and we want to avoid any possibility of animal cruelty.

(KNOCKS)

Oh, hey, Jim. I'm just in the middle of, um...

Yeah, yeah, hang on. Righto.

Don't eat it again.

And dice your chillies up and add them to the cumin seeds.

These chillies are a bit pricey, but they're certified biodynamic.

And 50% of the profits go to schools in Tanzania,

so it's worth finding a way to pay for them.

The longer the dal simmers, the richer the flavour,

so why not use the simmer time to get richer too?

That way, you can buy more ethical ingredients.

(RINGING TONE)

(ROBOTICALLY) Noelene, this is the ATO...

..Tax Police.

You are in big trouble.

Please put $50,000 in the following bank account.

5-3...

250, 350, 4...

Oh! Hey, folks.

And serve up with a healthy dollop of macadamia yoghurt.

And there you have it, my ethical dal.

Yummy-scrummy!

I'm feeling so ethical,

I might donate this to the local Buddhist monastery,

right after I deal with this guy.

(MUFFLED YELLING) Where's my money, Tony?!

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

You know, 2020, by any measure,

has been a calendar year.

Anyone lucky enough to have both children and a good memory,

the challenges of home-schooling won't be easily forgotten.

Over the past few months, hopefully with permission,

we followed some students from Perth during this unprecedented time.

Tonight we tell their stories.

Since April, students across the country

have been feeling the effects of lockdown.

Well, the whole situation's been incredibly disruptive.

I mean, I'd just finished optimising

my extracurricular activities and my study schedule

to align with my five-year plan.

Now I'll have to schedule in rescheduling time.

And I'll have to make a whole new vision board

and then I'll have to schedule in

revisioning time

to create new revision to the visions

that go on my new vision board.

I'm sure I'm doing a lot better than Natalie.

She's no-one.

I don't want to make this pandemic about me,

but it kind of is,

'cause, like, my friends and I are, like, the ones

everyone looks up to at school.

I'm just really worried for people at this time

because our group is, like, the glue of that school

and I'm the glue of that glue.

So, without me, what are you left with?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Getting sent home from school's, like, my dream, hey?

And I didn't even do anything wrong this time.

My mum took one look at my maths homework and she was like,

"I'm putting on Big Little Lies."

Season two is so shit.

Meryl Streep's pretty hot, though.

Anyway, I spend most my time, like, in my room

playing video games and, uh...

..like, you know, whatever.

Oh, I'm growing this sick beard.

Can you see my...?

RAY MARTIN: It's a wonderful beard, Mitch.

And by the looks of those tissues, you've got a nasty cold coming on.

Get well soon, mate,

and we'll check in with you and your chums

later in the program.

WOMAN: At Fix Your Face Make Up,

we believe the world has changed.

Lockdown helped us all realise what's really important in life.

And, spoiler alert, it's not perfecting your smoky eye.

Society always taught you

that you needed to put on make-up to be worthy.

But when society broke down, you, like so many other women,

put your make-up brushes down, too,

and you realised you never needed make-up.

You were beautiful all along.

Wipe away the last of your facade.

You can stop hiding now.

You're free.

Free to begin our new 18-step, thrice-daily skincare regime.

Wait, did you think we meant look your age? (LAUGHS)

We said you could stop wearing make-up, not be a fucking uggo.

Eww! (LAUGHS)

Your skin needs to look good,

especially now that you're not wearing make-up.

There's nowhere to hide. And you're leaving the house now, so...

But don't worry, we've made it really easy

to look and feel your best.

All you need to do is buy our new, organic

Fountain Mountain mist cleanser.

And follow it up with our simple tone, exfoliate, mask, mist, serum,

plump, moisturise, remoisturise, hydrate, rehydrate,

flat, boost, perfect and protect routine,

with our range, made from all-natural ingredients

derived from organic, free-range cat placentas.

All brought to you by Fix Your Face Skincare,

formerly Fix Your Face Cosmetics.

Join the Fix Your Face no-make-up revolution.

If you can afford it.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Being newly single is about getting out there

and showing the world that you've moved on.

And what a better way to do that

than by going out on a girls' night with your best friend, Sophie Monk?!

(LAUGHS) Hey.

I call her SoMo.

Look at this, I'm wearing a "best friends" thing

and I bought it for you.

Do you want to put it on? (HESITANTLY) Cool.

Yeah, it will be fun because we'll be matching, yeah.

I might put it on later. OK.

She's not really my bestie. I've met her once.

She seemed really unhinged, and I felt sorry for her. So, here I am.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Fun.

And it turns out it was just a rash.

Oh, I'm so sor...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What? My ex is here.

This is so random.

I had no idea he was gonna be here

or that he DJs here every Tuesday night.

This is so weird.

Should we leave? No, no, no.

Stay. Hey, Billy D?

Hi. (LAUGHS)

He doesn't know anything about music.

I swear, that's a Spotify playlist. It sucks.

Sounds pretty good.

Yeah, I guess.

If you've been in a long-term relationship,

chances are you've probably neglected some of your close friends.

What a perfect time to reconnect.

Hey, Sophie... what's been happening in your world?

Oh, my God, I've been waiting for you to ask. 'Cause guess what?

He finally asked me... You know what?

I'm just thinking, empty drinks. Let's do shots.

Do you know what I mean? 'Cause it's like, "Wah, let's do shots!"

(LAUGHS) I'll get them. Shots on me, guys.

Shots for the whole bar.

I'm getting shots.

Should we? Wet pussies, on me?

Do you guys know her very well? Should I be worried?

In the Uber, she said she wants to bash a bitch.

Shots! Ha.

No, I'm cool. More for me.

Someone's thirsty.

Come on, let's start a dance floor.

Yeah. No, I might just take a seat.

No, no, no, no. No, no. Soph, come on, let's start a dance floor.

Jacinta, what are you doing? I'm starting a dance floor.

It's really simple. Come on, Soph.

No. You love to dance.

Yeah, yeah. Well... come on. Dance?

Alright, I'm gonna do the robot.

I don't think I've ever done it before,

but I feel as like I'm really good at it.

(LAUGHS) Who wants to see the worm, y'all?

We'll go for one.

(CRACK!)

Hey! What's wrong? You never seen the worm before?

Oh, babe, are you OK? You... What?

Jacinta... What?

..you've lost a tooth. Oh, shit. For real?

One of the main ones, yeah.

Have a look.

Like I said, she's not really my best friend.

I met her once at a funeral of a TV producer

who turned out to be a sex pest.

But she seems like one of these girls

that has a new best friend every week.

You know what she needs?

A therapist and to get out of show business.

Girls' night!

Best way to get over an ex ever, huh?

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

♪ I don't want no scrub

♪ Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me... ♪

Sophie, come on, let's do it.

You still look hot.

It's very Tiger King.

RAY MARTIN: One month into lockdown,

our Year 12s are adjusting to the new normal.

Well, the teachers took a week to figure out

the online learning platform,

so the public education system has clearly failed... them.

But once things were up and running,

I actually found that without any distractions,

I could devote all my time to studying

and I really levelled up.

Now I'm at the point I could take apart the code to anything,

like the school's online learning platform, for instance.

You know, once you're in there, you can actually change any...

..like, materials or notes,

or grades of a certain someone, if you want to.

(WHISPERS) I think this is the best I've ever felt.

I thought I was having a great time,

but one day I was like, "How many more games can I play?

"How much more tissue can I go through?

"How many more times can I admire my sick beard?"

So, I went into my brother's room

and... you know, to draw a dick on his face,

and he just threw this uni textbook at me.

And then I just started reading it,

like some kind of pussy who reads shit,

and now I can't stop thinking about

how the whole tradition of analytical philosophy is moot, you know?

Like, why the fuck is no-one talking about this?

Did you know there's a philosopher called Kant?

Kant!

My parents are taking a fucking insane approach to home-schooling.

Uh, apparently I can't go on my devices anymore as much

because it's, like, "Too much screen time."

Like, sorry, you were born in typewriter times or something.

Some of us have missed out on online house parties

and private group chats.

Clearly, everyone's going through a lot,

so I've decided it's my responsibility to cheer them up

by organising a little surprise, like my hero, Gal Gadot.

♪ Imagine all the students... ♪

And I'm gonna, like... (PHONE RINGS)

This is one of them now. Oh, my God!

Hello? No, it's just, like, you just gotta record a really short video.

What do you mean it's stupid?

I AM the Gal Gadot of the school.

Hello?

I hate this stupid pandemic!

RAY MARTIN: (CHUCKLES) it is stupid.

We'll catch up with all of our students a bit later in the program.

You know, it's funny how life works out sometimes.

But if I've learned anything in my 90-odd years as a journo, it's...

We're taking you live now to the Australian Institute of Research,

where Dr Beau Thorn is announcing a discovery.

Thanks for being so patient.

We've just made a breakthrough

and I know that you all have some questions.

First off, congratulations on finding a vaccine.

Would you say that this is a great day for all Indigenous Australians?

I'd say it's a great day for everyone.

As a Gomeroi man myself,

it's more about the vaccine than, uh... than my heritage.

Uh, Biff Baker, Sky News. Sorry, I came in late.

Are you the guy that does the welcome to country.

(WHISPERS) Is he speaking Aboriginal?

Hi. Gemma, Junkee Media.

Living and working on unceded Gadigal land.

I've seen both Adam Goodes documentaries twice

and I stay and watch all the credits.

(CLEARS THROAT CONTINUOUSLY) OK.

Just wondering, as a white person,

what can I do to be a better ally to Indigenous people?

Listen, I know that you want to help and...

No, no, no, I didn't mean you to answer that.

I know it's not "your job" to "educate us".

We're currently seeing a lot of Black Lives Matters protests

all around the globe, as the broader community pushes back

against police brutality. Look...

Do you have any advice on dealing with police harassment?

I'm not an expert on how to handle police brutality, yeah?

(SOFTLY) Is it me or is it her?

Anyway, let's keep it about the vaccine, not about my heritage.

What percentage Aborigine are you?

Gammon, motherfucker.

Listen, this is a vaccine here.

That's what you guys should be asking me about.

Not about my race. I get those questions all the time.

It's like, "Beau, do you have a totem?

"Beau, do you know how to play the yidaki?"

Yes and yes.

But how the frig is that relevant at Wet'n'Wild?

No-one's ever asked me my favourite architecture.

It's brutalism, actually. Brutalism.

I love MONA and I was devastated when they cancelled Dark Mofo.

Hey, what did he just call me?

You want to talk about race,

well, I've got some questions for you, yeah?

Like, why is it only white people wear AIME hoodies, yeah?

What happened to the black mentors?

And why isn't there clean water in Walgett?

And you know what? What the hell happened

to the friggin' Uluru Statement of the Heart, huh?

What a joke that is! You know what, people?

(CAMERAS CLICK)

(COUGHS)

I don't care!

Is that gonna come back?

This is one of my favourite places to come,

and whenever I sit here, I like to reflect on the fact

that I'll never be here like the rest of my family.

I'll be laid to rest in a 10-storey gold mausoleum

in the shape of a Logie

that my people are actually creating at the moment.

But this certainly seems nice enough.

Anyway, here's some... thingo.

Many people in their 60s find themselves back in the dating game

or wanting to explore their sexuality.

Today, I'm playing Cupid for Tony here.

Tony is currently one of my lovers

but, as I've said before, I have multiple lovers,

and I think Tony should too.

Let's have a look at the steps you need to take

to become a successful matchmaker.

First, set them up an online dating profile.

What are some of your interests?

Making love to you, Mary.

Oh, wow. Thank you, Tony.

Thank you for bringing me to arousal in the shower this morning.

What are some of your other interests?

Cricket, making sauce.

What are some of your sexual interests?

Mary.

Yeah.

There you go. Cool.

Tomato. Yeah, tomato.

Think about other singles in your life that you can bring together.

(SHOUTS) Hello, Bev! (BEV GRUNTS)

Everyone's nervous at first,

so break the ice with a bit of your own dating experience.

He didn't want to kiss on the mouth because he missed his wife.

I went to Sexpo and I loved it!

One's wetter than the other.

I think breasts are great.

This one guy wanted to dress up as Sonic the Hedgehog.

I think girls of all ages should have a nice, big, juicy bum.

One had one penis normal size, and the other penis was pretty small.

I like Sizzler. I think it's good value.

Now it's time for you to exit the scene

and let the new lovers get on alone.

Oh, it's like speed dating.

No. Please don't...

I've left them some suggested conversation topics on cards

to get them going.

Bit rude.

OK.

What's your dream holiday that we could go on together?

I'm not going away with YOU.

And she's a slut.

Yes, I am.

Would you like to hear a song

from my internationally renowned cabaret show,

The 60-Year-Old Slut Goes on Safari?

No way.

Well, there you have it!

(LAUGHS) Bev and Tony are happy together,

and I am off to find another lover.

Hello. I'm a slut.

(LAUGHS) One mocha please.

Aaron. How's it going?

We've got the whole team back in the office.

So, where are you, mate?

Uh, Henry, I'm really, really sorry.

As you can see, I'm stuck in San Francisco, so I can't come in.

Right.

I'd like to see a little bit more of San Francisco. Can you whip around?

Uh... no.

You're not in San Francisco, are ya?

You know the feeling.

Now the restrictions have lifted, the office is open again.

But you don't want to go in.

Luckily, I'm going to show you

a quick and simple trick

of how you can stay at home

and leave those pesky office pants

in the drawer, where they belong.

What's your excuse this time?

Well, Hen, I'm actually here at the Grand Canyon, as you can see.

So, I won't be back for a few weeks.

Uh... turn the camera to the left.

Yeah, sure.

And the right. Yeah.

Yeah, alright. Yeah, that's fine.

Um... Take care.

You know... Bye.

I might see you in a few weeks.

So, you're probably wondering how I got to Arizona so quickly.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

You can do it, too.

First, you'll need your regular phone.

That's used to make Zoom calls to your boss.

Second, you'll need a burner phone.

Use this phone to take incriminating photos

of a powerful politician's nefarious activities

that you'll later use to blackmail them.

You'll be flush with enough cash to rent...

(SHOUTS) ..a giant curved LED screen

in an even larger warehouse!

You'll want to download your images from the internet

and put them onto one of these.

It's just a standard USB.

And the beauty is the backgrounds will look so real,

even you'll be fooled.

You just got punked.

Aaron, it's been three weeks. Where the hell are you?

Hey, mate, sorry, the reception here on Pandora is a bit dodgy.

Pandora? Yeah.

Look, here's a Na'vi.

Je m'appelle Na'vi Princess.

J'habite Pandora.

Well, just let us know when you get back, I guess.

See ya. Bye. Bye.

(SIGHS) I can't believe he fell for it again.

(LAUGHS)

(BELL RINGS)

RAY MARTIN: At last, our students are back in the classroom.

I was expelled.

Apparently wanting to be successful is a "federal crime".

And a "state crime". Really, it's just a lot of crimes.

Like, I think the pandemic just, like,

made people miss human connection, which is so important.

But now that we're back and everybody can see each other in real life

and, like, me, everything's back to normal.

Can you not?

Yeah, look, I could be in class, but my mind is free.

The education system is just

an ideological apparatus of the state.

Or in words... you'd understand,

it's balls.

We'll see who's laughing when I can access the internet again... in 2032.

Natalie.

It's like nothing's changed because why would it?

And anybody who does say otherwise is just a bitch who hates feminism.

(CROW CAWS)

RAY MARTIN: Of course, two days after filming concluded,

Bembry South High School was closed once again

due to a major COVID outbreak.

I respect all...

Coming up, is a holiday still a holiday

if you're stuck at your dad's house because of coronavirus?

Linda, our travel expert, has the answer.

It wouldn't be a holiday without some serious relaxation.

Excuse me, I'm actually a little bit hot.

Would you mind fanning me? Oh, fuck off, Linda?

VOICEOVER: Here at Pure White Milk,

we're not proud of our past.

We understand that our focus purely on white milk was wrong.

But now we're listening and we're committed to taking actions

that make actual change,

which is why we're introducing

our new diverse range of flesh-toned milks.

Inclusive milk for an inclusive new world.

Pure White Milk.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Oh, shit, I don't think this is my house.

Oh, maybe it is. There's that awful portrait Anh Do did of me.

Can't stand it.

OK, unless you've been living under a rock for the past few years,

or you actually have a life,

then you'll know my next guest as the host of Gardening Australia.

He's as famous for his beard as...

Actually that's pretty much all he's famous for.

He's Australia's original green thumb,

if you don't count Allan Seale and Peter Cundall

and the other bloke we can't name.

How are you doing there, Costa?

G'day, Ray. I'm doing great.

And can I just say, I think you're doing a fantastic job.

Lifestyle TV is not easy.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

And I know you weren't necessarily the obvious choice as host,

or even the first choice, but...

Listen, can we just get to the gardening tips, please, Costa?

Yep, absolutely, Ray.

So, tonight I thought I'd show everyone how to regrow vegies

from kitchen scraps.

Oh, OK.

Uh, what? Oh, nothing.

It's just that you've already done this bit on your own show.

Well, yeah, we've done pretty much everything on my show.

It's been on air for 30 years.

Don't say you thought this was a Costa exclusive.

No, I wouldn't say I thought -

I'm pretty sure it's actually in your contract.

Well, I'm ready to go, so...

No, no, you're right, we can't change it now, can we?

This celery might not

look like much now, but...

"Costa exclusive,"

that was the exact wording.

Sorry, Ray, just trying to...

And here it is again. It's in clause 12C.

Ray...

I assume you can read through that beard of yours.

Alright, you want a Costa exclusive, Ray?

Ray, right now this celery is just like your show.

It's limp, there's nothing new about it,

and it leaves a nasty, stale taste in your mouth.

But like your show, this celery will be thriving in a few weeks

because the ABC has asked me to take over...

Alright, we might leave it there. Thank you.

Costa from Gardening Australia, demonstrating quite emphatically

why he's barely a Gold Logie nominee and not a five-time winner.

Well, that's all the hollow platitudes

that we have time for you this week.

But join me and the team next week for our final ever show,

with the prime minister himself, Scott Morrison,

just one of the many big names whom we haven't invited to join us.

Until then... (DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, shit! You're fucking kidding me.

Oh, Jesus!

(THUMPING)

Oh, Jesus, where's Negus? George! Negus!