All language subtitles for At.Home.Alone.Together.S01E06.WEBRip.iview.en

♪ At home
♪ Home

♪ Alone
♪ Alone

♪ Together. ♪

Hello. I am definitely not
Chris Lilley.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together.

Tonight, coming to you with the
addition of Auslan interpretation

for the benefit of the deaf

and the hard of hearing,

or for those who would just
rather look at someone

a bit more interesting than me.

Welcome, Todd.

It's good to work with you
once again, as always.

Of course, one thing the signer
can't do that I can do

is change locations
at the drop of a hat.

This might look like a national park,

but it's actually my own backyard.

Just one of the many interesting
things that the team and I

won't be exploring
in any detail tonight.

Instead...

..cinemas to reopen -

how operators plan to keep
attendance numbers small

by screening only Australian movies.

Plus, the new shuffle dance craze

that perfectly captures
America's decline.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS)

And we explain why films
with dated racism have to go

while TV shows promoting contemporary
racism are still fine to flourish.

But first, whoever said that the most
important thing in life is family

obviously never had a family.

But as Joni and Jared
show us right now,

it's perfectly normal to think that
you're a bad mother or bad father -

almost always because you are.

And you can take a break during this.

Joni and Jared don't really
care much about the deaf.

As parents, we're never doing enough.

And even if we are doing enough,
it's not enough.

And even if it is enough,

we reward ourselves for doing
enough a little too much...

Causing us to wake up
feeling sorry for ourselves,

thinking we're not doing enough...

Leading us to genuinely
not do enough,

and the cycle continues.

So, here are some handy tips

on how to not feel guilty
for doing enough.

Enough.
Ish.

Now that the pandemic's over...
Not really.

..your kids are probably
used to snacking

a little bit more than usual,

so now's the time to start
re-rationing those snacks.

OK, just one jelly, OK?

No... OK, two.
Two jellies, but that's it.

Three jellies, but that's it.

Fine, all the jellies.

But if you see a change in
the tantrum-to-snack ratio,

remember you can flatten the curve

by just giving them whatever
they want whenever they want it.

You're effectively guaranteeing
their happiness now,

but be sure to know
that you're probably going to

have to deal with a shit-ton
more unhappiness in the future.

And that's fine. You don't need to
feel guilty about that.

It's good to give them food now,
while you've got it,

before entropy continues,
society crumbles, currency fails

and you've got to shank
a stranger for it.

(LAUGHS)

Later, it'll be the memory
of all that snacking

that's gonna nourish their souls.

When the world got turned
on its head,

you probably loosened
some of those boundaries

around your kids' screen time.

We can only watch
all 52 episodes of Bluey... twice.

Only just three, Mama.
OK. Just three, then.

Look!
Yay. Bingo. It's... funny.

It's easy to catastrophise
the long-term effects

of such gross parental negligence,

but don't put too much pressure
on yourself.

Probably hypocritical
to keep your kids off screen

when you're averaging six and a half
hours a day of screen time

watching the world burn.

But would you mind?
I'd like some privacy, please.

Nigh-night!

If you're anything like me,
I'm sure it's been really difficult

getting back into that rigorous sleep
routine you were once so used to.

No doubt your head is still
full of fear each night

for you, your career, the future
you're leaving behind for your kids,

the impending collapse
of capitalism,

whatever the fuck else 2020s
gonna throw at us,

which just seems to be
an endless stream of...

Take it from me,
you're gonna want to transition

from that week-as-piss melatonin

to something with a little bit
more grunt in it,

like Stilnox, Xanax, Temazepam,

or my personal favourite -
a couple of Rohys.

Now, if you find that your husband
started sleepwalking, that's OK.

No, no, you're pissing
in the kids' toys.

Cheese balloons.
Gotta find the cheese balloons.

Follow my voice.
(BANG!)

OK. Sorry. That was my bad.
Cheese balloon.

Remind him about it in the morning,

because it's a really great excuse
for you to start day-drinking.

I'm sorry.

Yep, as long as you're on clean-up.

Yum, yum.

Finally, don't feel bad
if you signed on

to host a lifestyle program,

then a global pandemic hit
and you're all out of options,

so you just threw in your husband
and kids at no extra cost

and you haven't quite discussed that
with your husband yet.

What?
(LAUGHS) Shut up, Jared.

See ya next time.

Let's be honest,

we've all become accustomed
to working from home.

But now we are headed back
to the office,

it just doesn't feel right.

So, I'm going to show you how to
still work from home, from work.

Desks are so 2019.2020 is all about
working from a reclined position.

That way, you're also ready
for the next avalanche of bad news

that's undoubtably on its way.

While you've been working from home,

you've been washing down all those
overwhelming feelings with food.

So, bring that survival technique
back to work with you

by making sure you have access
to nibblies at all times

for those frequent snack attacks.

Bringing your washing
in to work with you

will not only add that extra touch
of the home vibe,

you can still combine two things
you absolutely hate doing

until it becomes
one almost bearable task.

I'm sorry, do you mind
if we get back to these numbers?

Yes, Derek, you have
my undivided attention.

Oh, I'm missing a sock.

Let's see how we score
on the Vibe Rater.

Oh, this Vibe Rating's
giving me a raise.

Here's a memo.

Show your colleagues
how your beddy-bye-bye clothes

can still mean business.

Well, Hugh Hefner was one of
the world's greatest businessmen,

so, actually,
I'm dressed for success.

RAY: Here's a quick tip
if you're doing some renovations

and want to save a bit of cash.

Now, I've got this old letterbox
here that I want to rip out.

The builder says it'll be 300 bucks
for removal and disposal,

but I've found a way
you can do it for nothing.

Simply attach an image of
Captain James Cook

to whatever you want removed,

and in no time at all,
the problem takes care of itself.

The mailbox is gone, out of my life,
hasn't cost me a cent!

Cheers.

VOICEOVER: We've all changed so much
in these last few months.

We've felt sadness and despair,

and we've come to know
what hardship really is.

But although the world is upside
down, some things haven't changed.

The bond of family,
the joy of creativity

and the triumph of the human spirit.

Because no matter the trials,
no matter the grief,

we will get through this together

because now, more than ever,
we need each other.

Peter Jackson Cigarettes -
together we are strong.

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

Welcome back. You know, I was...

Is this box getting bigger?

It seems to be getting bigger.

Anyway, I was chatting with
Waleed Aly the other day

and we both agreed
one of the great joys of our job

is coming to work each day

with the opportunity to interview

some of the best thinkers
in the whole world.

But then I get told we have to run
a viral video

sent in by some viewer instead.

Here's this week's viewer tip.

G'day, Ray.

I'm excited the pubs are open again
and I can get a nice cold tap beer,

but I'm scared of getting the virus,
so I bring along this.

Full-face snorkel with a funnel.

Schooner, thanks.

Cheers. Can you pour it in here?

COVID-safe.

Rodney Todd there,

taking up my valuable air time.

Hang on, what's going on?
That's not right.

Can someone change the box back?

I'm Ray Martin. I shouldn't be
reduced to a box.

You look... Are you behind this?

You look pretty pleased
with yourself.

I think you are.

I'm not happy.

Here's the love doctor, Jacinta,
with problems almost as big as mine.

There's really no better time
to rebrand than after a break-up.

And whilst you should
mourn the relationship,

try not to dwell on the past

and, instead, look forward to
an exciting new future.

Remove the things
that remind you of them

and create space for new memories.

Bleugh!

Weakened it.

Pick a neutral meet-up point.

Pubs are open again.

Maybe they'll get drunk and cry.

I'm glad you're doing well, Jacinta.

I, on the other hand,
am very, very sad.

I'm a sad man.
Aww.

I feel so bad, but, like, also good.

I don't know. It's really weird.

Like, I just think
this is the right decision

and we are such different people.

How are we different?
We're not that different.

You like to hang out at home
and I like to travel.

You know, I've got
a flight booked for 2021.

I'm going to Scotland.

I'm finally doing it. You know,
I'll probably stop in in Paris.

You know, that's kind of...
I see myself...

What?
No, nothing.

You just... You had a fly
on your forehead for ages.

The whole time you
were talking just then.

That's weird. Anyway.

But, you know, and I've got Byron Bay
on... at Christmas.

You know what's crazy
about the fly, though,

is that it's actually weirdly
helped me get over our relationship

in a weird way,

because I was...
I was watching the fly

and I think, subconsciously,
I was kind of like,

"What are flies attracted to?"

And the answer, as you know...
Well, like, shit.

Shit.
Poop, poo.

Turd, poop, poo.
Turd.

Turd, yeah.

And maybe I've equated you with that
in my head now.

You're shit and so I'm moving on.

So, wait, you're saying
that a fly lands on my head

and now you don't care about
our break-up... at all?

Isn't that crazy how that happens?

Can I say one thing
that's crazy and weird?

You sort of making me out to be
some kind of turd girl

has made me want to
get back together.

Wow!
Yeah.

Like, I'm like, "Let's go home,
let's talk it out.

"Let's, like, figure out
what went wrong."

Yeah!

But, no, because of...

The fly?
The fly, yeah.

Bowl of chips.
Thanks. Yeah.

I actually... I ordered them
to share,

but this little fly
might want to eat them all, anyway.

Hey, is that a Lara Croft?

Yeah. It is, actually. But, uh...

Well, it's actually a 2015...
..2015 edition.

2015 edition.
Yeah.

You know these.
Yeah, I have one at home.

No kidding.
Yeah.

Sauces, please!

Oh...

So, you've given them back
their stuff

and now you can move on properly
with your fabulous life.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Taxi! Calling taxi on myself!

What do we do, guys? What do we do?

G'day, folks.

It's my niece Jenny's
birthday today,

so I want to make her a special cake.

So, how's this for
a challenge coincidence?

Mandy writes, "I made
this jelly shark pool cake

"for my son's third birthday.

"Top that, Bjorn."

OK.

Uh...

Well, Mandy, challenge accepted!

(IMITATES GUITAR RIFF)

So, I'm making my own version
of Mandy's cake

because Jenny doesn't like sharks.

So mine's going to have
a nice, friendly, shark-free lake

and it's going next to
this model village I built.

My jelly is looking good,

so now it's time to prepare
my lake bed.

Simply put the cake on...

..flip...

Ooh, oh.

..and then lift.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit, shit.

OK, so, my jelly lake
has a bit of a flooding problem,

so I'm going to make a levee bank

with these biscuits
I found in the pantry.

Just simply stick them on
with a bit of buttercream.

There we go.

Feel like I've got a trade.

Oh.

Run out of biscuits,
so I'm using fondant icing

to create a diversion canal
down to the jelly reservoir I baked.

Simply create a channel
in the fondant.

Now the moment of truth.

Oh, no. You...

Oh, no, no, no, no! The village!

Come on, man!

OK!

I have the dam walls constructed,

but the jelly level
is still hazardously high.

To manage the risk,
I've created a flood plain

out of the cake crumbs

excavated by the jelly reservoir.

And I'm sinking a jelly well

as an extra precaution.

And there you have it, folks -

my flood-controlled lake

with functioning reservoir,
well and flood plains birthday cake.

Definitely outshines
Mandy's shark one.

Shh! Here comes Jenny now.

Happy birthday, Jenny!

So, where's the self-closing
flood barriers?

Just blow out the candles, Jenny.

Is this my... my big 30th surprise?

Yeah!

Coming up, how to clear the air
with family members

after being stuck
in isolation together.

You make me feel like I'm less than.

I'm your brother
and I deserve to be respected.

You make me feel like I wanna
take a shit on your head.

Exploring feelings together.

(BOTH SCREAM AND BABBLE
AT EACH OTHER)

(BOTH HOOT LIKE APES)

(HOWLS)
(RETCHES)

(SCREECHES)

Healing old wounds.

I'm sorry, I just really miss Mum.

Yeah, I understand that.
Yeah.

She... she did hate you.

(SOBS)

I heard that, yes.
She hated your guts.

(SOBS)

It's this behaviour that did it.
The crying.

(SOBS) Mummy!

Like a little baby, but a man.

Degrading behaviour.

Yuck.

And doing trust exercises.

Take it!

I don't understand what the point
of this exercise is!

It's therapy!

That's coming up soon.

(BOTH SCREAM)

MAN: When you need coronavirus news,

there's plenty of places
you can turn to.

But when you need scary
coronavirus graphics,

there's only one source
you can trust.

Good evening.
Locked down.

Toilet...
Federal government is already...

And we mean really scary graphics.

with the infection...

At 10 News, our graphics
are so horrifically realistic,

Sandra Sully has tested positive.

So did these planes.

Even the Opera House has a dry cough.

But don't worry - not all of our
graphics are bone-chillingly big.

This breaking news one
is pretty neutral.

Just kidding.
It's fucking terrifying.

10 News - because apparently
the coronavirus isn't scary enough.

MAN: Are your thighs
covered in bed sores

from sittin' around in isolation

too long?

Got weeping sores

all over your extremities?

What about sweat rash?

You got a thick, slimy, stinky rash
around your crotch

'cause you haven't changed
your tracksuit pants in a month?

Boils.

Have you got plump, quivering boils

that blush and ooze
a thick syrup of off-white fluid

because you're so disgusting
and filthy?

Then take a photo
and send 'em to me - Keith.

I'll take any you've got.

I promise I won't tell anyone -

even the cops.

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

Welcome back.

You know, I've been privileged
to cover

some pretty big stories in my time -

the death of Diana,
the Boxing Day tsunami.

Who could forget my special
one-on-one interview

with Michael Crawford?

But when it comes to
important stories,

I think I can say
with no exaggeration

this next piece by Ryan Shelton

isn't one of them.

G'day!

If you're anything like me,

you're loving being able
to see your mates again,

especially the ones with pizza ovens.

Mmm!

But imagine having a pizza oven
in your own backyard.

Oh. Bit cold now.

So, to show us how to build
a pizza oven from scratch...

Whoo!
I've called upon

my twin brother, Jason,
to show us how it's done.

Hey, Rizzler, check it out.
What?

Brick pic.
No, Jase, can you just...?

Brrr! (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.

Stiffy!

But as you might have seen, Jason's
been a little unreliable of late.

I can't believe Ray Martin's
gonna see your dick in a sec.

Looks so realistic, Rizzler!

You're getting eaten by a wombat!
(SCREAMS)

So, this week,
I called Travis to lend a hand.

Come on over, Trav!
Trav?

Travis, or Trav, is another handyman
from the local area

and I have a feeling
that Jase might remember him

from their TAFE days.

Come on over, Trav!

Ohh.
G'day, mate.

You are fuckin' joking, Rizzler.

Jase, you know Travis, right?
You mean fuckin' Pablo Escobar?

Got any money for me, mate?

Oh, is that what this is about?
Whoa, whoa.

Fuckin' here we go.

Do you have any idea how much
your dodgy brother owes me?

Just get over it.
Have a guess.

Get over it, mate!

Get over shitting yourself
in joinery class at TAFE.

That's not true. Delete that.
100% true.

Nah.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

So, it turns out that when Jason

fell into a bit of gambling debt
in his early 20s,

Trav loaned him a lot of money,

which Jason apparently
never paid back.

Join the club, Trav. (CHUCKLES)

Look, guys, what do you say
we put all that aside

and get to building
that outdoor pizza oven, hey?

Nah. I'm not building nothing

till your piece-of-shit brother
gives me 25 grand.

(SCOFFS) 25 grand. Really, Jase?

(SCOFFS) "25 grand?!"

(BLEEP) He's gonna have
a heart attack

'cause his segment's
gonna be shit again

and Ray Martin's gonna be
very angry. (LAUGHS)

He's not gonna be... OK, Trav...
I'm (BLEEP) serious.

I didn't realise he owed...
No money, no pizza oven.

Capiche?
Capiche.

Uh, Jase, how about...?
Oh, Jesus, Jason!

Yeah. It's a bit of a bummer,
isn't it, Rizzler? Oh... (CHUCKLES)

You know, there's not much I can do
about my brother.

It's like our dad always used to say,

"Oh, well, Jase, one out of two
ain't bad." (CHUCKLES)

But Trav, on the other hand,
is actually a pretty decent bloke.

So, it's just energy... What is it?

He showed me this energy sugar
he's been importing from overseas...

That's a weird feeling.

..and said that if I was willing
to advertise it on the show...

Can you do that?
Totally. Happy to. Happy to.

..he might waive Jason's debt...

(LAUGHS) Rizzler's munted.

..and show us how to build
that pizza oven.

(LAUGHS)

So, text Trav and order
some of his energy sugar today.

At $350 a gram, it isn't cheap.

And, while it's no pizza oven, it's
just as good for when you're at home,

entertaining your mates.

(LAUGHS) How's the energy sugar,
Rizzler?!

Jase! I love it!

(LAUGHS)
I love...

How much did you have, mate?

♪ I loooove it. ♪
Oh, my God.

Are you sick of attending
Zoom meeting after Zoom meeting

during quarantine?

You're not alone.

Home viewer Andrew wrote,
"Dear Tech Shaman,

"As a fellow basement-dwelling
web goblin,

"I am loving the heck out
of isolation.

"But lately, my dark web time
keeps getting encroached upon

"by stupid Zoom meetings
with my dumb workmates.

"Please help."

Andrew, I know exactly what you mean.

But, Andrew, I'm about to show you

the best way to get through
these meetings

is to not attend them at all.

It's house call time!

Aaaaah!

Come on, man.

The solution to this problem is as
simple as it is technically complex.

Companies like Doppletech will create
a digital likeness of you

for a very reasonable rate.

All you have to do is enter
some details, get a few scans,

then once the avatar is created,
add some words to its database...

Dog. Basketball.

Pencil. Bread.

Now all that's left to do
is grab a banana milkshake

and watch the magic unfold.

OK, so, the next thing I need to ask

is who's willing to take care
of the Wentworth files?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE) File. File.

Dog. Pencil.

Baaaaaa.

Aaaaaaaaa.

(BEEP)

Oh, Andrew, you're willing to
take on the files.

That's fantastic, thanks very much.
You're a real lifesaver.

Oh, Andrew, I saw those pictures
you put up on Facebook

of you and your nephew
at the LEGO convention.

They were so cute!

Child. Child. Child.

Man. Child. Pencil.

Yeah, they grow up so quickly,
don't they?

Bread.

So, that's how you keep your job
and enjoy your time off

without any risk whatsoever.

(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

Dog! Pencil!

Basketball! Bread!

Arghhhh!

Pasta is a pandemic staple,
everybody's cooking it.

But how do you know if it's al dente?

Everyone has their methods
but here are my favourites.

Instapasta.

Bite the pasta.

Look inside the pasta.

Throw it at the tiles.
Hey!

Throw it at the ceiling.

Chuck it at an umbrella.

Get Jim to sit on it.

Dip it in yoghurt and freeze.

Yum!

Get Jim to punch it.

Put it in the cistern and flush.

If it comes through, it's done.

Stick it in a power point.

If it won't fit, it's done.

Eat an entire bowl.

If you don't spew, it's done.

Stab Jim with it.

If he doesn't bleed, it's done.

Ask the pasta.

Ask the Lord.

Ask the Dark Lord.

Ask the postie.

Yeah, it's done.

It's that simple.

Hang on, that's not cooked.

Gary here
from Clam of the Sea Cruises.

With cruising now off the cards,

I've got cash-flow issues and a
shit-ton of cruise ships to sell.

So, come on down and buy one.

Seriously.

If no-one takes these cruise ships
off my hands,

I'm going to go ballistic!

The Diamond Ocean Queen,

now almost entirely disease-free.

Make me an offer.

Is your name Royal Caribbean Lady?

Because if it is,
this boat's got your name on it.

Or what about this one?

How jealous would your neighbours be

with this baby parked
outside your house?

The Pacific Mermaid floater.

If I don't have to sanitise it,
then I'll pay YOU $15,000!

This one's called Tom Cruise.

Buy it and get
it the hell out of my boatyard!

If you've never thought about
buying a used cruise ship before,

do me a favour and think about it.

And then just (BLEEP) buy one!

Clam of the Sea Cruises.

Our business might be sinking...

(SPLUTTERS)
..but our ships definitely aren't.

VOICEOVER:

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

Well, that's it for another week.

Sadly, due to ABC budget cuts,

that's the end of the Auslan service
as well.

I'm sorry, Todd,
but do you have a sign for goodbye?

Pretty much the same as ours.
Maybe I'll catch you at the Logies.

Probably not. Thanks for
your company, though, tonight.

Up next on the ABC, a show that
I have no intention of promoting.

So, until next week...

You're kidding.
You're in the house all the time?

That's bullshit!

I'm the one that's supposed
to say goodnight.

Wouldn't happen at Channel Nine,
I tell you.