Original subtitles

♪ At home ♪ Home

♪ Alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together. ♪

Hello. I am definitely not Chris Lilley.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together.

Tonight, coming to you with the addition of Auslan interpretation

for the benefit of the deaf

and the hard of hearing,

or for those who would just rather look at someone

a bit more interesting than me.

Welcome, Todd.

It's good to work with you once again, as always.

Of course, one thing the signer can't do that I can do

is change locations at the drop of a hat.

This might look like a national park,

but it's actually my own backyard.

Just one of the many interesting things that the team and I

won't be exploring in any detail tonight.

Instead...

..cinemas to reopen -

how operators plan to keep attendance numbers small

by screening only Australian movies.

Plus, the new shuffle dance craze

that perfectly captures America's decline.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS)

And we explain why films with dated racism have to go

while TV shows promoting contemporary racism are still fine to flourish.

But first, whoever said that the most important thing in life is family

obviously never had a family.

But as Joni and Jared show us right now,

it's perfectly normal to think that you're a bad mother or bad father -

almost always because you are.

And you can take a break during this.

Joni and Jared don't really care much about the deaf.

As parents, we're never doing enough.

And even if we are doing enough, it's not enough.

And even if it is enough,

we reward ourselves for doing enough a little too much...

Causing us to wake up feeling sorry for ourselves,

thinking we're not doing enough...

Leading us to genuinely not do enough,

and the cycle continues.

So, here are some handy tips

on how to not feel guilty for doing enough.

Enough. Ish.

Now that the pandemic's over... Not really.

..your kids are probably used to snacking

a little bit more than usual,

so now's the time to start re-rationing those snacks.

OK, just one jelly, OK?

No... OK, two. Two jellies, but that's it.

Three jellies, but that's it.

Fine, all the jellies.

But if you see a change in the tantrum-to-snack ratio,

remember you can flatten the curve

by just giving them whatever they want whenever they want it.

You're effectively guaranteeing their happiness now,

but be sure to know that you're probably going to

have to deal with a shit-ton more unhappiness in the future.

And that's fine. You don't need to feel guilty about that.

It's good to give them food now, while you've got it,

before entropy continues, society crumbles, currency fails

and you've got to shank a stranger for it.

(LAUGHS)

Later, it'll be the memory of all that snacking

that's gonna nourish their souls.

When the world got turned on its head,

you probably loosened some of those boundaries

around your kids' screen time.

We can only watch all 52 episodes of Bluey... twice.

Only just three, Mama. OK. Just three, then.

Look! Yay. Bingo. It's... funny.

It's easy to catastrophise the long-term effects

of such gross parental negligence,

but don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Probably hypocritical to keep your kids off screen

when you're averaging six and a half hours a day of screen time

watching the world burn.

But would you mind? I'd like some privacy, please.

Nigh-night!

If you're anything like me, I'm sure it's been really difficult

getting back into that rigorous sleep routine you were once so used to.

No doubt your head is still full of fear each night

for you, your career, the future you're leaving behind for your kids,

the impending collapse of capitalism,

whatever the fuck else 2020s gonna throw at us,

which just seems to be an endless stream of...

Take it from me, you're gonna want to transition

from that week-as-piss melatonin

to something with a little bit more grunt in it,

like Stilnox, Xanax, Temazepam,

or my personal favourite - a couple of Rohys.

Now, if you find that your husband started sleepwalking, that's OK.

No, no, you're pissing in the kids' toys.

Cheese balloons. Gotta find the cheese balloons.

Follow my voice. (BANG!)

OK. Sorry. That was my bad. Cheese balloon.

Remind him about it in the morning,

because it's a really great excuse for you to start day-drinking.

I'm sorry.

Yep, as long as you're on clean-up.

Yum, yum.

Finally, don't feel bad if you signed on

to host a lifestyle program,

then a global pandemic hit and you're all out of options,

so you just threw in your husband and kids at no extra cost

and you haven't quite discussed that with your husband yet.

What? (LAUGHS) Shut up, Jared.

See ya next time.

Let's be honest,

we've all become accustomed to working from home.

But now we are headed back to the office,

it just doesn't feel right.

So, I'm going to show you how to still work from home, from work.

Desks are so 2019.2020 is all about working from a reclined position.

That way, you're also ready for the next avalanche of bad news

that's undoubtably on its way.

While you've been working from home,

you've been washing down all those overwhelming feelings with food.

So, bring that survival technique back to work with you

by making sure you have access to nibblies at all times

for those frequent snack attacks.

Bringing your washing in to work with you

will not only add that extra touch of the home vibe,

you can still combine two things you absolutely hate doing

until it becomes one almost bearable task.

I'm sorry, do you mind if we get back to these numbers?

Yes, Derek, you have my undivided attention.

Oh, I'm missing a sock.

Let's see how we score on the Vibe Rater.

Oh, this Vibe Rating's giving me a raise.

Here's a memo.

Show your colleagues how your beddy-bye-bye clothes

can still mean business.

Well, Hugh Hefner was one of the world's greatest businessmen,

so, actually, I'm dressed for success.

RAY: Here's a quick tip if you're doing some renovations

and want to save a bit of cash.

Now, I've got this old letterbox here that I want to rip out.

The builder says it'll be 300 bucks for removal and disposal,

but I've found a way you can do it for nothing.

Simply attach an image of Captain James Cook

to whatever you want removed,

and in no time at all, the problem takes care of itself.

The mailbox is gone, out of my life, hasn't cost me a cent!

Cheers.

VOICEOVER: We've all changed so much in these last few months.

We've felt sadness and despair,

and we've come to know what hardship really is.

But although the world is upside down, some things haven't changed.

The bond of family, the joy of creativity

and the triumph of the human spirit.

Because no matter the trials, no matter the grief,

we will get through this together

because now, more than ever, we need each other.

Peter Jackson Cigarettes - together we are strong.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Welcome back. You know, I was...

Is this box getting bigger?

It seems to be getting bigger.

Anyway, I was chatting with Waleed Aly the other day

and we both agreed one of the great joys of our job

is coming to work each day

with the opportunity to interview

some of the best thinkers in the whole world.

But then I get told we have to run a viral video

sent in by some viewer instead.

Here's this week's viewer tip.

G'day, Ray.

I'm excited the pubs are open again and I can get a nice cold tap beer,

but I'm scared of getting the virus, so I bring along this.

Full-face snorkel with a funnel.

Schooner, thanks.

Cheers. Can you pour it in here?

COVID-safe.

Rodney Todd there,

taking up my valuable air time.

Hang on, what's going on? That's not right.

Can someone change the box back?

I'm Ray Martin. I shouldn't be reduced to a box.

You look... Are you behind this?

You look pretty pleased with yourself.

I think you are.

I'm not happy.

Here's the love doctor, Jacinta, with problems almost as big as mine.

There's really no better time to rebrand than after a break-up.

And whilst you should mourn the relationship,

try not to dwell on the past

and, instead, look forward to an exciting new future.

Remove the things that remind you of them

and create space for new memories.

Bleugh!

Weakened it.

Pick a neutral meet-up point.

Pubs are open again.

Maybe they'll get drunk and cry.

I'm glad you're doing well, Jacinta.

I, on the other hand, am very, very sad.

I'm a sad man. Aww.

I feel so bad, but, like, also good.

I don't know. It's really weird.

Like, I just think this is the right decision

and we are such different people.

How are we different? We're not that different.

You like to hang out at home and I like to travel.

You know, I've got a flight booked for 2021.

I'm going to Scotland.

I'm finally doing it. You know, I'll probably stop in in Paris.

You know, that's kind of... I see myself...

What? No, nothing.

You just... You had a fly on your forehead for ages.

The whole time you were talking just then.

That's weird. Anyway.

But, you know, and I've got Byron Bay on... at Christmas.

You know what's crazy about the fly, though,

is that it's actually weirdly helped me get over our relationship

in a weird way,

because I was... I was watching the fly

and I think, subconsciously, I was kind of like,

"What are flies attracted to?"

And the answer, as you know... Well, like, shit.

Shit. Poop, poo.

Turd, poop, poo. Turd.

Turd, yeah.

And maybe I've equated you with that in my head now.

You're shit and so I'm moving on.

So, wait, you're saying that a fly lands on my head

and now you don't care about our break-up... at all?

Isn't that crazy how that happens?

Can I say one thing that's crazy and weird?

You sort of making me out to be some kind of turd girl

has made me want to get back together.

Wow! Yeah.

Like, I'm like, "Let's go home, let's talk it out.

"Let's, like, figure out what went wrong."

Yeah!

But, no, because of...

The fly? The fly, yeah.

Bowl of chips. Thanks. Yeah.

I actually... I ordered them to share,

but this little fly might want to eat them all, anyway.

Hey, is that a Lara Croft?

Yeah. It is, actually. But, uh...

Well, it's actually a 2015... ..2015 edition.

2015 edition. Yeah.

You know these. Yeah, I have one at home.

No kidding. Yeah.

Sauces, please!

Oh...

So, you've given them back their stuff

and now you can move on properly with your fabulous life.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Taxi! Calling taxi on myself!

What do we do, guys? What do we do?

G'day, folks.

It's my niece Jenny's birthday today,

so I want to make her a special cake.

So, how's this for a challenge coincidence?

Mandy writes, "I made this jelly shark pool cake

"for my son's third birthday.

"Top that, Bjorn."

OK.

Uh...

Well, Mandy, challenge accepted!

(IMITATES GUITAR RIFF)

So, I'm making my own version of Mandy's cake

because Jenny doesn't like sharks.

So mine's going to have a nice, friendly, shark-free lake

and it's going next to this model village I built.

My jelly is looking good,

so now it's time to prepare my lake bed.

Simply put the cake on...

..flip...

Ooh, oh.

..and then lift.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shit, shit.

OK, so, my jelly lake has a bit of a flooding problem,

so I'm going to make a levee bank

with these biscuits I found in the pantry.

Just simply stick them on with a bit of buttercream.

There we go.

Feel like I've got a trade.

Oh.

Run out of biscuits, so I'm using fondant icing

to create a diversion canal down to the jelly reservoir I baked.

Simply create a channel in the fondant.

Now the moment of truth.

Oh, no. You...

Oh, no, no, no, no! The village!

Come on, man!

OK!

I have the dam walls constructed,

but the jelly level is still hazardously high.

To manage the risk, I've created a flood plain

out of the cake crumbs

excavated by the jelly reservoir.

And I'm sinking a jelly well

as an extra precaution.

And there you have it, folks -

my flood-controlled lake

with functioning reservoir, well and flood plains birthday cake.

Definitely outshines Mandy's shark one.

Shh! Here comes Jenny now.

Happy birthday, Jenny!

So, where's the self-closing flood barriers?

Just blow out the candles, Jenny.

Is this my... my big 30th surprise?

Yeah!

Coming up, how to clear the air with family members

after being stuck in isolation together.

You make me feel like I'm less than.

I'm your brother and I deserve to be respected.

You make me feel like I wanna take a shit on your head.

Exploring feelings together.

(BOTH SCREAM AND BABBLE AT EACH OTHER)

(BOTH HOOT LIKE APES)

(HOWLS) (RETCHES)

(SCREECHES)

Healing old wounds.

I'm sorry, I just really miss Mum.

Yeah, I understand that. Yeah.

She... she did hate you.

(SOBS)

I heard that, yes. She hated your guts.

(SOBS)

It's this behaviour that did it. The crying.

(SOBS) Mummy!

Like a little baby, but a man.

Degrading behaviour.

Yuck.

And doing trust exercises.

Take it!

I don't understand what the point of this exercise is!

It's therapy!

That's coming up soon.

(BOTH SCREAM)

MAN: When you need coronavirus news,

there's plenty of places you can turn to.

But when you need scary coronavirus graphics,

there's only one source you can trust.

Good evening. Locked down.

Toilet... Federal government is already...

And we mean really scary graphics.

with the infection...

At 10 News, our graphics are so horrifically realistic,

Sandra Sully has tested positive.

So did these planes.

Even the Opera House has a dry cough.

But don't worry - not all of our graphics are bone-chillingly big.

This breaking news one is pretty neutral.

Just kidding. It's fucking terrifying.

10 News - because apparently the coronavirus isn't scary enough.

MAN: Are your thighs covered in bed sores

from sittin' around in isolation

too long?

Got weeping sores

all over your extremities?

What about sweat rash?

You got a thick, slimy, stinky rash around your crotch

'cause you haven't changed your tracksuit pants in a month?

Boils.

Have you got plump, quivering boils

that blush and ooze a thick syrup of off-white fluid

because you're so disgusting and filthy?

Then take a photo and send 'em to me - Keith.

I'll take any you've got.

I promise I won't tell anyone -

even the cops.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Welcome back.

You know, I've been privileged to cover

some pretty big stories in my time -

the death of Diana, the Boxing Day tsunami.

Who could forget my special one-on-one interview

with Michael Crawford?

But when it comes to important stories,

I think I can say with no exaggeration

this next piece by Ryan Shelton

isn't one of them.

G'day!

If you're anything like me,

you're loving being able to see your mates again,

especially the ones with pizza ovens.

Mmm!

But imagine having a pizza oven in your own backyard.

Oh. Bit cold now.

So, to show us how to build a pizza oven from scratch...

Whoo! I've called upon

my twin brother, Jason, to show us how it's done.

Hey, Rizzler, check it out. What?

Brick pic. No, Jase, can you just...?

Brrr! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

Stiffy!

But as you might have seen, Jason's been a little unreliable of late.

I can't believe Ray Martin's gonna see your dick in a sec.

Looks so realistic, Rizzler!

You're getting eaten by a wombat! (SCREAMS)

So, this week, I called Travis to lend a hand.

Come on over, Trav! Trav?

Travis, or Trav, is another handyman from the local area

and I have a feeling that Jase might remember him

from their TAFE days.

Come on over, Trav!

Ohh. G'day, mate.

You are fuckin' joking, Rizzler.

Jase, you know Travis, right? You mean fuckin' Pablo Escobar?

Got any money for me, mate?

Oh, is that what this is about? Whoa, whoa.

Fuckin' here we go.

Do you have any idea how much your dodgy brother owes me?

Just get over it. Have a guess.

Get over it, mate!

Get over shitting yourself in joinery class at TAFE.

That's not true. Delete that. 100% true.

Nah. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

So, it turns out that when Jason

fell into a bit of gambling debt in his early 20s,

Trav loaned him a lot of money,

which Jason apparently never paid back.

Join the club, Trav. (CHUCKLES)

Look, guys, what do you say we put all that aside

and get to building that outdoor pizza oven, hey?

Nah. I'm not building nothing

till your piece-of-shit brother gives me 25 grand.

(SCOFFS) 25 grand. Really, Jase?

(SCOFFS) "25 grand?!"

(BLEEP) He's gonna have a heart attack

'cause his segment's gonna be shit again

and Ray Martin's gonna be very angry. (LAUGHS)

He's not gonna be... OK, Trav... I'm (BLEEP) serious.

I didn't realise he owed... No money, no pizza oven.

Capiche? Capiche.

Uh, Jase, how about...? Oh, Jesus, Jason!

Yeah. It's a bit of a bummer, isn't it, Rizzler? Oh... (CHUCKLES)

You know, there's not much I can do about my brother.

It's like our dad always used to say,

"Oh, well, Jase, one out of two ain't bad." (CHUCKLES)

But Trav, on the other hand, is actually a pretty decent bloke.

So, it's just energy... What is it?

He showed me this energy sugar he's been importing from overseas...

That's a weird feeling.

..and said that if I was willing to advertise it on the show...

Can you do that? Totally. Happy to. Happy to.

..he might waive Jason's debt...

(LAUGHS) Rizzler's munted.

..and show us how to build that pizza oven.

(LAUGHS)

So, text Trav and order some of his energy sugar today.

At $350 a gram, it isn't cheap.

And, while it's no pizza oven, it's just as good for when you're at home,

entertaining your mates.

(LAUGHS) How's the energy sugar, Rizzler?!

Jase! I love it!

(LAUGHS) I love...

How much did you have, mate?

♪ I loooove it. ♪ Oh, my God.

Are you sick of attending Zoom meeting after Zoom meeting

during quarantine?

You're not alone.

Home viewer Andrew wrote, "Dear Tech Shaman,

"As a fellow basement-dwelling web goblin,

"I am loving the heck out of isolation.

"But lately, my dark web time keeps getting encroached upon

"by stupid Zoom meetings with my dumb workmates.

"Please help."

Andrew, I know exactly what you mean.

But, Andrew, I'm about to show you

the best way to get through these meetings

is to not attend them at all.

It's house call time!

Aaaaah!

Come on, man.

The solution to this problem is as simple as it is technically complex.

Companies like Doppletech will create a digital likeness of you

for a very reasonable rate.

All you have to do is enter some details, get a few scans,

then once the avatar is created, add some words to its database...

Dog. Basketball.

Pencil. Bread.

Now all that's left to do is grab a banana milkshake

and watch the magic unfold.

OK, so, the next thing I need to ask

is who's willing to take care of the Wentworth files?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE) File. File.

Dog. Pencil.

Baaaaaa.

Aaaaaaaaa.

(BEEP)

Oh, Andrew, you're willing to take on the files.

That's fantastic, thanks very much. You're a real lifesaver.

Oh, Andrew, I saw those pictures you put up on Facebook

of you and your nephew at the LEGO convention.

They were so cute!

Child. Child. Child.

Man. Child. Pencil.

Yeah, they grow up so quickly, don't they?

Bread.

So, that's how you keep your job and enjoy your time off

without any risk whatsoever.

(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

Dog! Pencil!

Basketball! Bread!

Arghhhh!

Pasta is a pandemic staple, everybody's cooking it.

But how do you know if it's al dente?

Everyone has their methods but here are my favourites.

Instapasta.

Bite the pasta.

Look inside the pasta.

Throw it at the tiles. Hey!

Throw it at the ceiling.

Chuck it at an umbrella.

Get Jim to sit on it.

Dip it in yoghurt and freeze.

Yum!

Get Jim to punch it.

Put it in the cistern and flush.

If it comes through, it's done.

Stick it in a power point.

If it won't fit, it's done.

Eat an entire bowl.

If you don't spew, it's done.

Stab Jim with it.

If he doesn't bleed, it's done.

Ask the pasta.

Ask the Lord.

Ask the Dark Lord.

Ask the postie.

Yeah, it's done.

It's that simple.

Hang on, that's not cooked.

Gary here from Clam of the Sea Cruises.

With cruising now off the cards,

I've got cash-flow issues and a shit-ton of cruise ships to sell.

So, come on down and buy one.

Seriously.

If no-one takes these cruise ships off my hands,

I'm going to go ballistic!

The Diamond Ocean Queen,

now almost entirely disease-free.

Make me an offer.

Is your name Royal Caribbean Lady?

Because if it is, this boat's got your name on it.

Or what about this one?

How jealous would your neighbours be

with this baby parked outside your house?

The Pacific Mermaid floater.

If I don't have to sanitise it, then I'll pay YOU $15,000!

This one's called Tom Cruise.

Buy it and get it the hell out of my boatyard!

If you've never thought about buying a used cruise ship before,

do me a favour and think about it.

And then just (BLEEP) buy one!

Clam of the Sea Cruises.

Our business might be sinking...

(SPLUTTERS) ..but our ships definitely aren't.

VOICEOVER:

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Well, that's it for another week.

Sadly, due to ABC budget cuts,

that's the end of the Auslan service as well.

I'm sorry, Todd, but do you have a sign for goodbye?

Pretty much the same as ours. Maybe I'll catch you at the Logies.

Probably not. Thanks for your company, though, tonight.

Up next on the ABC, a show that I have no intention of promoting.

So, until next week...

You're kidding. You're in the house all the time?

That's bullshit!

I'm the one that's supposed to say goodnight.

Wouldn't happen at Channel Nine, I tell you.