All language subtitles for At.Home.Alone.Together.S01E05.WEBRip.iview.en

♪ At home
♪ Home

♪ Alone
♪ Alone

♪ Together. ♪

Hello, I'm Ray Martin, and welcome
to what promises to be

an episode of At Home Alone Together.

Forgive these decorations
behind me here,

we have to film our Christmas
special straight after this

and the set dressers wanted
to get a head start.

You know, as the world lurches
from crisis to crisis

with no easy solutions in sight,

there's never been a better time
for a team of lifestyle presenters

to offer easy solutions.

So tonight, the must-have books
to add to your winter reading list.

Our celebrity reporter recommends
his favourite work of fiction.

And as the fight for black rights
continues around the globe,

we look at how Australians
took Monday off

to celebrate a powerful,
rich white Englishwoman.

But first, here's Birgit.

♪ Lockdown laws
are getting looser... ♪

..and things are opening back up.

Music festivals, however,
are still under threat.

Ah!

Right now they're being postponed.

But with a second wave looming,

at any moment they could
be cancelled, just like that.

So let me show you how to get
that music festival vibe

in your very own backyard.

First, you want to
really trash the place.

You're trying to create
the feel of destruction

that 50,000 millennial zombies
can cause.

Every outside festival is
a battle with the elements.

So you want to create some mud zones
for accidental messy time.

You know you have
the right level of mud

when it could swallow up
a small child.

Throw colourful sheets
over everything and anything

in the backyard.

This will create the illusion
of venues in the distance

that you somehow never make it to.

Remember when you went to
that three-day festival

and you didn't see
a single performance

because you were so high,
you spent the whole time wrestling

with an inflatable horny horse?

And you won.

Another important feature
of music festivals

are the plastic toilet cubes.

This is very easy to create.

Just throw some dirty diapers
into a bucket

to make it a more sensory
experience.

Now you can put all that toilet
paper you've been hoarding to use.

Just make sure to wet one end
of it to make it more authentic.

What's a music festival
without music?

Another type of festival, I guess.

But to be a music festival,
it does need music.

For this, I suggest tuning
your radio to Triple J.

That way you can play artists
you've never heard of

but have to pretend to to impress
your new festival friends.

Oh, yeah, I love the Stinky Bandits.

If you have a cubbyhouse, you can
even create your own music stage.

Give that neighbour who's learning
guitar their very first gig.

Just like at a real festival,

the stage for the new acts will be
completely devoid of an audience,

and it's perfect payback
for all those late nights

listening to him practise
Stairway To Heaven

over and over and over again.

Now your backyard looks like
a festival,

it's time to make yourself
fit the vibe.

For this, you only want to dress
from the waist down.

The top half is for glitter boobies.

Since mirror mosaic is all the rage
at festivals,

I'm using actual mirror.

Just be careful, though, because
sometimes the shards are spiky.

And now I'm really ready to dance.

Let's see how we score
on the Vibe Rater.

Oh, this vibe rating
has got me peaking.

For that extra touch
of festival fun,

put treats in your pockets and get
yourself arrested by a sniffer dog.

Hey, man, I don't have
any drugs on me.

Ow. I don't have any drugs on me.

Up next, a reality check
on the whole 5G debate.

Far from being harmful,
I'll show you how to harness the 5G

on your phone
for really useful things

like boiling water,

bending cutlery,

and turning birds to gas.

Yeah, gotcha, sucker.

5G won't cause COVID, but
it will melt your thoughts,

so the government
can't listen to them.

In my book, that's a win-win.

G'day. I'm definitely qualified
pastor Jordan Prior

from the megachurch Godchurch.

Whoo.

Here at Godchurch, we've got
a big screen, a man on a drum kit,

and your kids can play Nintendo 64.

Even God's like,
"F-word yes, can I come?"

H-word yes, you can, God.

But all this radness isn't cheap,

which is why I've launched
GodKeeper,

our new program that allows you
to give your JobKeeper payments

straight to the Lord.

Recently, Jesus has been acting
through our prime minister

to provide you with generous
JobKeeper payments.

But as Jesus says in the Bible,
"Blessed are they

"that tithe their social welfare
payments to the Lord,

"for they shall inherit
a sweet Godchurch T-shirt."

Sure, your JobKeeper payments
might keep you and your family

in financial security,

but if you direct debit
your JobKeeper payments to us,

you'll be keeping something
way more cool - God's love.

Sick!

Get in while we're on
the ground floor,

because this elevator is going
all the way to the top, baby.

Heaven, baby,
with the big man, BABY!

ANNOUNCER: Friday night
on Gardening Australia,

with household visits
back on the cards,

Costa has his work cut out for him...

Anyone could pop round at any time,

so now is the perfect opportunity
to trim that neglected bush.

..in a race against time
to make things presentable.

Believe me, it's a much bigger job
than trimming the beard.

With expert tips on finding
the right tools for the right job.

We might have better luck
with this, I reckon.

Let's fire it up and see how we go.

A masterclass in bush maintenance
on Gardening Australia.

Clean-up should only take
a few hours.

(BLOWER ROARS)

On ABC and iview.

Nice balls. Welcome back.

You know, since this show began,
I've had lots of kids ask me

what other TV I've done.

I say that I used to be on 60 Minutes

back when it was
a current affairs show.

I was one of the original four.

It was me, Jana, George Negus and...
that other bloke.

During that time I got to meet
some truly amazing people,

but none quite so amazing
as this week's hero.

If you spent any time on Instagram,

which I understand is some kind of
slideshow computer,

you'll have heard of
Tasha Lakey-Caswell.

And in these unprecedented times,

this social media superstar is using
her platform to make a difference.

I just wanted to do something,
you know.

So many people have been affected
by this pandemic.

How can you not want
to do something?

Tasha's Cash For COVID fundraising
page has been an instant sensation,

raising over $20 million
in just one week.

Even attracting donations from
the likes of Bono, the man from U2.

It's been surreal.

People have been so generous.

Obviously, things have come to light
that are not ideal,

but we're working on it.

As the donations kept rolling in,

the social media superstar
made a surprising discovery.

So, yeah, it's called
Cash For COVID,

which obviously I meant to be money
for people suffering from COVID.

But the lawyers told me,
as per the website's own rules,

the money I've raised actually
has to go towards helping...

..the virus itself.

So, not great.

Tasha's learnt the hard way
about the importance of wording.

We need to shut this down now.

It's especially upsetting because
the only reason I called it this

is because I thought the two C's
sounded good.

Cash For COVID.

I just couldn't think of
another name that did that.

Oh, shit.

Just like any hero,
Tasha has her critics.

This is really disappointing.

We are so, so close
to beating this virus.

The last thing we need right now
is for COVID-19

to get a cash injection of any kind,

let alone $20 million.

This is honestly
the nightmare scenario.

But while many are understandably
angry, others are delighted.

I won't lie, we were pretty stoked.

As a deadly virus, it's very
difficult for us to raise funds.

We've got a huge issue with optics.

But with this new cash we can
finally spread into new areas,

into new schools,
into new cruise ships.

And it's all thanks to Tasha here.

Whatever your opinion, we can all
agree that Tasha Lakey-Caswell

has done something few influencers
have ever done -

she's actually influenced the world.

And that's why I'm inducting her
into the Hall of Ray's Heroes.

Well, Tasha, would you care
to say a few words?

Nah.

It'll be a while before
things return to normal,

but that doesn't mean you can't
maintain the illusion of normalcy.

(GIRL CRIES)

As far as the outside world
is concerned, you're doing fine.

Yes, day care centres won't be back
to full capacity for quite some time,

so you'll be stuck taking care
of your kids from home

without a single moment to yourself
for the foreseeable future.

But there are lots of positives,

like spending extra time
with the kids,

getting to know them better

and reconnecting with
why you pay so much

to send them to day care
in the first place.

I'm going to show you a special way
to get through all of it. (LAUGHS)

What? Where are you going?

So, my way to cope with all of it

is to get that extra special me time

by cooking something
really delicious.

So here's my easy-to-make
prawn bisque recipe. (LAUGHS)

Ah, prawns, the cockroaches
of the ocean.

So, I like to make a homemade stock
out of the heads and shells

to form the base for my bisque.

If you don't like prawns,
that's perfect.

Remove the heads and shells
into a separate bowl,

then set them aside in the sun
for four to six hours.

Add some butter and garlic
to a pan, then start cooking.

Mm-mm!

My little secret is actually
using all of the prawn,

including all the digestive tract,
faeces and toxins,

because A, delicious, and B,

it's just not a time to waste
in this climate.

Squeeze out every little bit
of feral stank juice,

but don't overcook them.

30 seconds should be fine.

Then it's into a pot and place
the lid on for five seconds,

no longer.

Let that delicious umami smell
come through

along with the stink of
rotten crustacean.

(GAGS)

If it smells wrong,
you know it's right.

Then serve some prawny head juice
into your favourite bowl and

the rest is up to nature.

Fight your body's natural urge
to expel the dangerous toxins.

Push through it.
We're going for food poisoning here.

(RETCHES)

And there you have it.

Um, with my easy-to-make
prawn bisque,

you've basically guaranteed
yourself 24 to 48 hours

of your own peaceful...

(GULPS AND BURPS)

..serene haven of me time.

Reinvigorating your... (VOMITS)

We all know that
blowing out both holes

from actual salmonella poisoning
is less painful

than being screamed at all day
by your ungrateful spawn.

(VOMITS)

Meanwhile, you've instantly
transformed your husband

into both primary caregiver as well
as your own personal butler.

Hey, sweetheart.
You need anything in here?

Oh, crackers please.
Crackers. Sure.

(VOMITS)

Up next, a special reunion
with Nerose Anise,

who's been in detention now
for 1,300 days.

Last month, he shared with us
his expert tips

for living in lockdown.

So, now the restrictions
are easing on us, Nerose,

what's your advice for
returning to normal life?

I'm not too sure

because that's not something
I've ever been allowed to do.

Hmm. Awkward.

ANNOUNCER: Friday night on ABC,

after losing her restaurant
due to the pandemic,

head chef Joanna De Molle
has revamped her new share house

into a fine-dining haven.

With the help of my
new housemate Peter...

It's Patrick.

..I'm going to show you how to bring
a two-hat restaurant into your home.

What have you got there, Paul?

This is a family recipe

that my grandmother gave to me
before she died.

Oh.

Mm.

That is...

..(BLEEP) disgusting!

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(SCREAMS)

Join Joanna and Bramble in a show
about food and friendship.

You call this julienned?! Huh?!

That's for paying customers only.

Come on, we've gotta get these out
in 10 minutes!

Move it! Move it!

Behind!

How long on the lamb?
Three or five minutes.

Well, is it three or is it five?!

I don't know.
I don't know what?

I don't know, Chef!
I don't know, Chef!

(WHIMPERS)
Behind! Behind! Backs!

Where's the chicken?!
It needs to be here!

Saute it! Saute it!
Scratch it up! Scratch it up!

Cooking in isolation has
never been more fun.

Well, you know what they say,
if you can't stand the heat in...

What are you doing? Get
the (BLEEP) out of my kitchen!

All-new Order Up!

Friday at 8:30.

♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

Fantastic. Look at these.

Mmm! Nothing like a batch
of homemade sausage rolls

prepared a few days ago
by the ABC art department.

Speaking of which, here's our
resident foodie Bjorn Stewart

proving that you don't
have to wear a cravat

or underpay your staff
to be a food expert on television.

Viennetta is a traditional
Viennese dessert

eaten by people all over Vienna

and a favourite treat amongst
the Viennese royal family.

You want good-quality ice-cream.

Or, as they say in Vienna,
ice-creama!

And just scoop it out with your...

Just scoop...

Ah!

Even the best ice-cream can go
rock hard depending on your freezer.

So why don't we give this a quick zap
in the microwave?

Not too long -
just five to ten seconds.

OK, that was too long.

But that's OK because we'll pour it
into the piping bag

and chuck it back in the freezer.

OK, so, the ice-cream
is frozen solid.

Um...

You can chuck it in a blender
and it will soften it up in no time.

Stop! Stop!

This is what I'm talking about.

We're making ice-cream from scratch.

None of that Mr Whippy rubbish.

You need cream, sugar
and vanilla extract.

Now to pipe the cream
in those famous ripple shapes.

Twist the end of the bag and
gently apply pressure to...

Hey, folks, it's, um, always helpful

to put the flippin' nozzle
in beforehand,

so you don't look like
a flappin' wombat.

OK.

(SIGHS) Alright.

Oh, great, I've lost it.

(GROANS) That's it,
spill your guts out everywhere.

(MUTTERS) Come on!

Now for those iconic
Viennetta ripples.

Just do the best you can. That's
exactly how this is supposed to look.

And now for the final touch -

a bit of traditional
Viennese Ice Magic.

Let's see how I measure up
against the real thing.

Wow. Practically identical.

But, as they say in Vienna,
the proof is in the pudding.

So let's have a little taste.

(GROANS)

That must be the store-bought one.

Ah.

With so many businesses reopening,

a great way to move past
any weirdness or awkwardness

that may have arisen
during lockdown...

No!

..is by going on a date night.

Freedom.
OK, you guys are all good to go.

So have fun and don't drink
any liquids in the room.

What... what kind of liquids?

Uh, we had a guy about a month ago
drink, like, a litre of blue liquid,

and we didn't put that there.

So I'm required to say that.

Oh, so, don't drink the blue liquid.

Is the game afoot?
This is not part of the game.

This is just explanation, so...
I feel like it's afoot.

The game's not afoot?
The game is not afoot.

Problem solving's a great way to
test your compatibility as a couple.

(SOFTLY) ..five, six...
What are you doing?

I'm counting the roof tiles.
Why?

Because, Jacinta,
everything is a clue.

(OVER PA) It's not a clue.

Fair enough.

Oh, I bet it's in the TV.

(LAUGHS) I know it is.

Alright, I think the clue
is on the back of the T...

..V...

(SIGHS)

Oh, here. Found it.
Oh, cool.

In escape rooms,
like in your relationship,

success is about communication.

Parchment, parchment.
What does it say?

It says go forward, left and back
to where you were at the start.

What? I think you're
reading it wrong. Give it here.

I'm not reading it wrong.

And that hurts my feelings
when you say I can't read.

I'm not saying you can't read,
I'm saying you lack comprehension.

Oh!

OK, well, this...
this doesn't make sense.

Well, that's what I said.

Don't look at the camera.

(BEEP!)

(OVER PA) Try reading
the parchment backwards.

Try fucking off.

Jacinta, I thought we were supposed
to be working together on this.

You know, the game is not afoot.

You won't let me touch
the parchment.

This doesn't really feel like
it's in the spirit of our segment.

Oh, my God, stop speaking
TV lingo, OK?

And you have sweaty fingers,

so why the hell would I let you
touch this parchment?

(BEEP!)

You're mean.
You're annoying.

I can be mean too.
Your breath stinks in the morning.

Putrid! Like onions and mould.

Because you're trying to kiss me
all the time, you won't get off me.

You have a spiky, little chin hair
and it jabs me and it makes me bleed.

Your sleep apnoea mask
blows air on my neck

and it makes me feel sick.

Back off! Leave me alone!
I need the sleep apnoea mask!

You don't have sleep apnoea.
It's preventive.

It runs in my family.

(OVER PA) Here's a clip for you.
Just break up!

Break up! Break up!
What is wrong with you two?!

You might no longer believe in love.

Honestly, just break up!

OK, but can we also still get
the dress-up photo package

that we paid for?

Yeah, that's fine,
we'll do the photos.

Has the monotony of extreme
isolation been affecting your child

and have they been killing
more animals than usual?

(FLIES BUZZ)

After the break, we've got
an easy, yummy cupcake recipe

that's sure to stop your child
from growing up

into a complete psychopath.

Mm?!

G'day, everyone. Gary here
from Clam of the Sea Cruises.

And despite what you may have heard,

there's never been a better time
to go on a cruise.

Sure, our ships can't actually
go anywhere, but let's be honest,

going on a cruise was never
about broadening your horizons.

We've still got buffets
bursting with shrimp,

casinos to enjoy,

weird old people cocktails,

gastro, live shows.

I didn't mean to say gastro before.

Shuffleboard.

I don't... And what the (BLEEP)
is shuffleboard, by the way?

Does anyone know?

And you know what?

If you want to feel like
you're seeing the world,

we'll happily do
some accents for you.

Oh, hello, guv! I'm... English!

We are ze Germans,

going to go to your dad's house.

(CONTINUOUS BEEP)

It's the "never leave the dock"
holiday of a lifetime.

Book now and receive
all these exciting tokens.

Clam of the Sea Cruises.

What have you got to lose?

ANNOUNCER: Things you have to lose
include your entire deposit,

your time and also your life.

♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

MAN: Denis Walter's just pulled out.

What do you mean Denis Walter's
just pulled out?

Who's gonna sing
Hark, the Herald Angels now?

Back to me already?

You know, with gyms starting
to reopen around the country,

society's vainest people will
once again have a place they can go

to look at each other.

But for boomers such as Mary Seymour,
they're finding the best workouts

can be found between the sheets.

People think once you hit 60, things
start slowing down in the bedroom.

But I've never been
more sexually active.

I like penises of
all shapes and sizes

and I think dicks are just fun.

But why would you have one
when you can have many?

So I have multiple lovers,
as I talk about

in my internationally
renowned cabaret show,

The 60-Year-Old Slut!

And The 60-Year-Old Slut
Goes On Safari.

It's just a bit of fun.

It's easy to meet a man
your own age,

like Tony here.

But today I'm going to
show you how to meet

a young, trendy buck,
like Tony here!

That's right,
they're both called Tony.

And that's one of my jokes actually.

As you can see, my hair is
two-toned and fashionably cropped.

And these are the two Tonies.

Two-toned!

Another thing I would say to do is

get online.

(LAUGHS) That's how I met Tony here.

In a massively multiplayer
world online.

Yeah.

And Tony was role-playing
as a werewolf.

A khajit. They're feline.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I like cats.

I like Cats the Musical,

I actually thought...
I liked the film.

I thought it was alright.

Learn what young people like
and get involved.

The hot activities
for cool cats these days

are something called
Magic: The Gathering...

I'm gonna play...
Forest! Island! Mountain!

Yeah.

..medieval sword play...

I'm scared. I'm scared.

Oh, wow, what a turn-on.

That's a real turn-on.

..and of course, groovy hats.

Young people are far more open
about their sexuality

and what they do and don't like.

So here's some tips
for talking it through.

I like to curl up in your arms
and read a good book.

Yeah.

Well, I like to see your dick

and while working towards arousal,
get my big breasts out.

Get yourself on Instagram ASAP.

But just a word of warning,
they don't like nude photos.

Unless you're breastfeeding.

Move into a share house.

That's where a lot of
young people hang out.

I actually met one of my other
lovers living in a share house

with young Tony.

And he never did the dishes.
Oh, sorry.

Maybe I should get into
my maid's uniform.

Fuck yeah.

And lastly, stay young at heart.

You're sexy no matter
what your age.

And have fun with it!

After this segment was filmed,

young Tony decided he wanted to be
in a monogamous relationship.

But I was unable to help him
because I have multiple lovers,

and that's just the way I am.

Good luck, young Tony.

Well, that's it for another week,
for you at least.

I've now got to go back
and record back-to-back episodes,

and we're already
way behind schedule.

But I wanted to leave you with this
really important message of hope...

MAN: Sorry.
What? There's no time?

Looks like it will have
to wait till next week.

So let me simply say to you now...