Original subtitles

♪ At home ♪ Home

♪ Alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together. ♪

Hello, I'm Ray Martin, and welcome to what promises to be

an episode of At Home Alone Together.

Forgive these decorations behind me here,

we have to film our Christmas special straight after this

and the set dressers wanted to get a head start.

You know, as the world lurches from crisis to crisis

with no easy solutions in sight,

there's never been a better time for a team of lifestyle presenters

to offer easy solutions.

So tonight, the must-have books to add to your winter reading list.

Our celebrity reporter recommends his favourite work of fiction.

And as the fight for black rights continues around the globe,

we look at how Australians took Monday off

to celebrate a powerful, rich white Englishwoman.

But first, here's Birgit.

♪ Lockdown laws are getting looser... ♪

..and things are opening back up.

Music festivals, however, are still under threat.

Ah!

Right now they're being postponed.

But with a second wave looming,

at any moment they could be cancelled, just like that.

So let me show you how to get that music festival vibe

in your very own backyard.

First, you want to really trash the place.

You're trying to create the feel of destruction

that 50,000 millennial zombies can cause.

Every outside festival is a battle with the elements.

So you want to create some mud zones for accidental messy time.

You know you have the right level of mud

when it could swallow up a small child.

Throw colourful sheets over everything and anything

in the backyard.

This will create the illusion of venues in the distance

that you somehow never make it to.

Remember when you went to that three-day festival

and you didn't see a single performance

because you were so high, you spent the whole time wrestling

with an inflatable horny horse?

And you won.

Another important feature of music festivals

are the plastic toilet cubes.

This is very easy to create.

Just throw some dirty diapers into a bucket

to make it a more sensory experience.

Now you can put all that toilet paper you've been hoarding to use.

Just make sure to wet one end of it to make it more authentic.

What's a music festival without music?

Another type of festival, I guess.

But to be a music festival, it does need music.

For this, I suggest tuning your radio to Triple J.

That way you can play artists you've never heard of

but have to pretend to to impress your new festival friends.

Oh, yeah, I love the Stinky Bandits.

If you have a cubbyhouse, you can even create your own music stage.

Give that neighbour who's learning guitar their very first gig.

Just like at a real festival,

the stage for the new acts will be completely devoid of an audience,

and it's perfect payback for all those late nights

listening to him practise Stairway To Heaven

over and over and over again.

Now your backyard looks like a festival,

it's time to make yourself fit the vibe.

For this, you only want to dress from the waist down.

The top half is for glitter boobies.

Since mirror mosaic is all the rage at festivals,

I'm using actual mirror.

Just be careful, though, because sometimes the shards are spiky.

And now I'm really ready to dance.

Let's see how we score on the Vibe Rater.

Oh, this vibe rating has got me peaking.

For that extra touch of festival fun,

put treats in your pockets and get yourself arrested by a sniffer dog.

Hey, man, I don't have any drugs on me.

Ow. I don't have any drugs on me.

Up next, a reality check on the whole 5G debate.

Far from being harmful, I'll show you how to harness the 5G

on your phone for really useful things

like boiling water,

bending cutlery,

and turning birds to gas.

Yeah, gotcha, sucker.

5G won't cause COVID, but it will melt your thoughts,

so the government can't listen to them.

In my book, that's a win-win.

G'day. I'm definitely qualified pastor Jordan Prior

from the megachurch Godchurch.

Whoo.

Here at Godchurch, we've got a big screen, a man on a drum kit,

and your kids can play Nintendo 64.

Even God's like, "F-word yes, can I come?"

H-word yes, you can, God.

But all this radness isn't cheap,

which is why I've launched GodKeeper,

our new program that allows you to give your JobKeeper payments

straight to the Lord.

Recently, Jesus has been acting through our prime minister

to provide you with generous JobKeeper payments.

But as Jesus says in the Bible, "Blessed are they

"that tithe their social welfare payments to the Lord,

"for they shall inherit a sweet Godchurch T-shirt."

Sure, your JobKeeper payments might keep you and your family

in financial security,

but if you direct debit your JobKeeper payments to us,

you'll be keeping something way more cool - God's love.

Sick!

Get in while we're on the ground floor,

because this elevator is going all the way to the top, baby.

Heaven, baby, with the big man, BABY!

ANNOUNCER: Friday night on Gardening Australia,

with household visits back on the cards,

Costa has his work cut out for him...

Anyone could pop round at any time,

so now is the perfect opportunity to trim that neglected bush.

..in a race against time to make things presentable.

Believe me, it's a much bigger job than trimming the beard.

With expert tips on finding the right tools for the right job.

We might have better luck with this, I reckon.

Let's fire it up and see how we go.

A masterclass in bush maintenance on Gardening Australia.

Clean-up should only take a few hours.

(BLOWER ROARS)

On ABC and iview.

Nice balls. Welcome back.

You know, since this show began, I've had lots of kids ask me

what other TV I've done.

I say that I used to be on 60 Minutes

back when it was a current affairs show.

I was one of the original four.

It was me, Jana, George Negus and... that other bloke.

During that time I got to meet some truly amazing people,

but none quite so amazing as this week's hero.

If you spent any time on Instagram,

which I understand is some kind of slideshow computer,

you'll have heard of Tasha Lakey-Caswell.

And in these unprecedented times,

this social media superstar is using her platform to make a difference.

I just wanted to do something, you know.

So many people have been affected by this pandemic.

How can you not want to do something?

Tasha's Cash For COVID fundraising page has been an instant sensation,

raising over $20 million in just one week.

Even attracting donations from the likes of Bono, the man from U2.

It's been surreal.

People have been so generous.

Obviously, things have come to light that are not ideal,

but we're working on it.

As the donations kept rolling in,

the social media superstar made a surprising discovery.

So, yeah, it's called Cash For COVID,

which obviously I meant to be money for people suffering from COVID.

But the lawyers told me, as per the website's own rules,

the money I've raised actually has to go towards helping...

..the virus itself.

So, not great.

Tasha's learnt the hard way about the importance of wording.

We need to shut this down now.

It's especially upsetting because the only reason I called it this

is because I thought the two C's sounded good.

Cash For COVID.

I just couldn't think of another name that did that.

Oh, shit.

Just like any hero, Tasha has her critics.

This is really disappointing.

We are so, so close to beating this virus.

The last thing we need right now is for COVID-19

to get a cash injection of any kind,

let alone $20 million.

This is honestly the nightmare scenario.

But while many are understandably angry, others are delighted.

I won't lie, we were pretty stoked.

As a deadly virus, it's very difficult for us to raise funds.

We've got a huge issue with optics.

But with this new cash we can finally spread into new areas,

into new schools, into new cruise ships.

And it's all thanks to Tasha here.

Whatever your opinion, we can all agree that Tasha Lakey-Caswell

has done something few influencers have ever done -

she's actually influenced the world.

And that's why I'm inducting her into the Hall of Ray's Heroes.

Well, Tasha, would you care to say a few words?

Nah.

It'll be a while before things return to normal,

but that doesn't mean you can't maintain the illusion of normalcy.

(GIRL CRIES)

As far as the outside world is concerned, you're doing fine.

Yes, day care centres won't be back to full capacity for quite some time,

so you'll be stuck taking care of your kids from home

without a single moment to yourself for the foreseeable future.

But there are lots of positives,

like spending extra time with the kids,

getting to know them better

and reconnecting with why you pay so much

to send them to day care in the first place.

I'm going to show you a special way to get through all of it. (LAUGHS)

What? Where are you going?

So, my way to cope with all of it

is to get that extra special me time

by cooking something really delicious.

So here's my easy-to-make prawn bisque recipe. (LAUGHS)

Ah, prawns, the cockroaches of the ocean.

So, I like to make a homemade stock out of the heads and shells

to form the base for my bisque.

If you don't like prawns, that's perfect.

Remove the heads and shells into a separate bowl,

then set them aside in the sun for four to six hours.

Add some butter and garlic to a pan, then start cooking.

Mm-mm!

My little secret is actually using all of the prawn,

including all the digestive tract, faeces and toxins,

because A, delicious, and B,

it's just not a time to waste in this climate.

Squeeze out every little bit of feral stank juice,

but don't overcook them.

30 seconds should be fine.

Then it's into a pot and place the lid on for five seconds,

no longer.

Let that delicious umami smell come through

along with the stink of rotten crustacean.

(GAGS)

If it smells wrong, you know it's right.

Then serve some prawny head juice into your favourite bowl and

the rest is up to nature.

Fight your body's natural urge to expel the dangerous toxins.

Push through it. We're going for food poisoning here.

(RETCHES)

And there you have it.

Um, with my easy-to-make prawn bisque,

you've basically guaranteed yourself 24 to 48 hours

of your own peaceful...

(GULPS AND BURPS)

..serene haven of me time.

Reinvigorating your... (VOMITS)

We all know that blowing out both holes

from actual salmonella poisoning is less painful

than being screamed at all day by your ungrateful spawn.

(VOMITS)

Meanwhile, you've instantly transformed your husband

into both primary caregiver as well as your own personal butler.

Hey, sweetheart. You need anything in here?

Oh, crackers please. Crackers. Sure.

(VOMITS)

Up next, a special reunion with Nerose Anise,

who's been in detention now for 1,300 days.

Last month, he shared with us his expert tips

for living in lockdown.

So, now the restrictions are easing on us, Nerose,

what's your advice for returning to normal life?

I'm not too sure

because that's not something I've ever been allowed to do.

Hmm. Awkward.

ANNOUNCER: Friday night on ABC,

after losing her restaurant due to the pandemic,

head chef Joanna De Molle has revamped her new share house

into a fine-dining haven.

With the help of my new housemate Peter...

It's Patrick.

..I'm going to show you how to bring a two-hat restaurant into your home.

What have you got there, Paul?

This is a family recipe

that my grandmother gave to me before she died.

Oh.

Mm.

That is...

..(BLEEP) disgusting!

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(SCREAMS)

Join Joanna and Bramble in a show about food and friendship.

You call this julienned?! Huh?!

That's for paying customers only.

Come on, we've gotta get these out in 10 minutes!

Move it! Move it!

Behind!

How long on the lamb? Three or five minutes.

Well, is it three or is it five?!

I don't know. I don't know what?

I don't know, Chef! I don't know, Chef!

(WHIMPERS) Behind! Behind! Backs!

Where's the chicken?! It needs to be here!

Saute it! Saute it! Scratch it up! Scratch it up!

Cooking in isolation has never been more fun.

Well, you know what they say, if you can't stand the heat in...

What are you doing? Get the (BLEEP) out of my kitchen!

All-new Order Up!

Friday at 8:30.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Fantastic. Look at these.

Mmm! Nothing like a batch of homemade sausage rolls

prepared a few days ago by the ABC art department.

Speaking of which, here's our resident foodie Bjorn Stewart

proving that you don't have to wear a cravat

or underpay your staff to be a food expert on television.

Viennetta is a traditional Viennese dessert

eaten by people all over Vienna

and a favourite treat amongst the Viennese royal family.

You want good-quality ice-cream.

Or, as they say in Vienna, ice-creama!

And just scoop it out with your...

Just scoop...

Ah!

Even the best ice-cream can go rock hard depending on your freezer.

So why don't we give this a quick zap in the microwave?

Not too long - just five to ten seconds.

OK, that was too long.

But that's OK because we'll pour it into the piping bag

and chuck it back in the freezer.

OK, so, the ice-cream is frozen solid.

Um...

You can chuck it in a blender and it will soften it up in no time.

Stop! Stop!

This is what I'm talking about.

We're making ice-cream from scratch.

None of that Mr Whippy rubbish.

You need cream, sugar and vanilla extract.

Now to pipe the cream in those famous ripple shapes.

Twist the end of the bag and gently apply pressure to...

Hey, folks, it's, um, always helpful

to put the flippin' nozzle in beforehand,

so you don't look like a flappin' wombat.

OK.

(SIGHS) Alright.

Oh, great, I've lost it.

(GROANS) That's it, spill your guts out everywhere.

(MUTTERS) Come on!

Now for those iconic Viennetta ripples.

Just do the best you can. That's exactly how this is supposed to look.

And now for the final touch -

a bit of traditional Viennese Ice Magic.

Let's see how I measure up against the real thing.

Wow. Practically identical.

But, as they say in Vienna, the proof is in the pudding.

So let's have a little taste.

(GROANS)

That must be the store-bought one.

Ah.

With so many businesses reopening,

a great way to move past any weirdness or awkwardness

that may have arisen during lockdown...

No!

..is by going on a date night.

Freedom. OK, you guys are all good to go.

So have fun and don't drink any liquids in the room.

What... what kind of liquids?

Uh, we had a guy about a month ago drink, like, a litre of blue liquid,

and we didn't put that there.

So I'm required to say that.

Oh, so, don't drink the blue liquid.

Is the game afoot? This is not part of the game.

This is just explanation, so... I feel like it's afoot.

The game's not afoot? The game is not afoot.

Problem solving's a great way to test your compatibility as a couple.

(SOFTLY) ..five, six... What are you doing?

I'm counting the roof tiles. Why?

Because, Jacinta, everything is a clue.

(OVER PA) It's not a clue.

Fair enough.

Oh, I bet it's in the TV.

(LAUGHS) I know it is.

Alright, I think the clue is on the back of the T...

..V...

(SIGHS)

Oh, here. Found it. Oh, cool.

In escape rooms, like in your relationship,

success is about communication.

Parchment, parchment. What does it say?

It says go forward, left and back to where you were at the start.

What? I think you're reading it wrong. Give it here.

I'm not reading it wrong.

And that hurts my feelings when you say I can't read.

I'm not saying you can't read, I'm saying you lack comprehension.

Oh!

OK, well, this... this doesn't make sense.

Well, that's what I said.

Don't look at the camera.

(BEEP!)

(OVER PA) Try reading the parchment backwards.

Try fucking off.

Jacinta, I thought we were supposed to be working together on this.

You know, the game is not afoot.

You won't let me touch the parchment.

This doesn't really feel like it's in the spirit of our segment.

Oh, my God, stop speaking TV lingo, OK?

And you have sweaty fingers,

so why the hell would I let you touch this parchment?

(BEEP!)

You're mean. You're annoying.

I can be mean too. Your breath stinks in the morning.

Putrid! Like onions and mould.

Because you're trying to kiss me all the time, you won't get off me.

You have a spiky, little chin hair and it jabs me and it makes me bleed.

Your sleep apnoea mask blows air on my neck

and it makes me feel sick.

Back off! Leave me alone! I need the sleep apnoea mask!

You don't have sleep apnoea. It's preventive.

It runs in my family.

(OVER PA) Here's a clip for you. Just break up!

Break up! Break up! What is wrong with you two?!

You might no longer believe in love.

Honestly, just break up!

OK, but can we also still get the dress-up photo package

that we paid for?

Yeah, that's fine, we'll do the photos.

Has the monotony of extreme isolation been affecting your child

and have they been killing more animals than usual?

(FLIES BUZZ)

After the break, we've got an easy, yummy cupcake recipe

that's sure to stop your child from growing up

into a complete psychopath.

Mm?!

G'day, everyone. Gary here from Clam of the Sea Cruises.

And despite what you may have heard,

there's never been a better time to go on a cruise.

Sure, our ships can't actually go anywhere, but let's be honest,

going on a cruise was never about broadening your horizons.

We've still got buffets bursting with shrimp,

casinos to enjoy,

weird old people cocktails,

gastro, live shows.

I didn't mean to say gastro before.

Shuffleboard.

I don't... And what the (BLEEP) is shuffleboard, by the way?

Does anyone know?

And you know what?

If you want to feel like you're seeing the world,

we'll happily do some accents for you.

Oh, hello, guv! I'm... English!

We are ze Germans,

going to go to your dad's house.

(CONTINUOUS BEEP)

It's the "never leave the dock" holiday of a lifetime.

Book now and receive all these exciting tokens.

Clam of the Sea Cruises.

What have you got to lose?

ANNOUNCER: Things you have to lose include your entire deposit,

your time and also your life.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

MAN: Denis Walter's just pulled out.

What do you mean Denis Walter's just pulled out?

Who's gonna sing Hark, the Herald Angels now?

Back to me already?

You know, with gyms starting to reopen around the country,

society's vainest people will once again have a place they can go

to look at each other.

But for boomers such as Mary Seymour, they're finding the best workouts

can be found between the sheets.

People think once you hit 60, things start slowing down in the bedroom.

But I've never been more sexually active.

I like penises of all shapes and sizes

and I think dicks are just fun.

But why would you have one when you can have many?

So I have multiple lovers, as I talk about

in my internationally renowned cabaret show,

The 60-Year-Old Slut!

And The 60-Year-Old Slut Goes On Safari.

It's just a bit of fun.

It's easy to meet a man your own age,

like Tony here.

But today I'm going to show you how to meet

a young, trendy buck, like Tony here!

That's right, they're both called Tony.

And that's one of my jokes actually.

As you can see, my hair is two-toned and fashionably cropped.

And these are the two Tonies.

Two-toned!

Another thing I would say to do is

get online.

(LAUGHS) That's how I met Tony here.

In a massively multiplayer world online.

Yeah.

And Tony was role-playing as a werewolf.

A khajit. They're feline.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I like cats.

I like Cats the Musical,

I actually thought... I liked the film.

I thought it was alright.

Learn what young people like and get involved.

The hot activities for cool cats these days

are something called Magic: The Gathering...

I'm gonna play... Forest! Island! Mountain!

Yeah.

..medieval sword play...

I'm scared. I'm scared.

Oh, wow, what a turn-on.

That's a real turn-on.

..and of course, groovy hats.

Young people are far more open about their sexuality

and what they do and don't like.

So here's some tips for talking it through.

I like to curl up in your arms and read a good book.

Yeah.

Well, I like to see your dick

and while working towards arousal, get my big breasts out.

Get yourself on Instagram ASAP.

But just a word of warning, they don't like nude photos.

Unless you're breastfeeding.

Move into a share house.

That's where a lot of young people hang out.

I actually met one of my other lovers living in a share house

with young Tony.

And he never did the dishes. Oh, sorry.

Maybe I should get into my maid's uniform.

Fuck yeah.

And lastly, stay young at heart.

You're sexy no matter what your age.

And have fun with it!

After this segment was filmed,

young Tony decided he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship.

But I was unable to help him because I have multiple lovers,

and that's just the way I am.

Good luck, young Tony.

Well, that's it for another week, for you at least.

I've now got to go back and record back-to-back episodes,

and we're already way behind schedule.

But I wanted to leave you with this really important message of hope...

MAN: Sorry. What? There's no time?

Looks like it will have to wait till next week.

So let me simply say to you now...