All language subtitles for At.Home.Alone.Together.S01E04.WEBRip.iview.en

♪ At home
♪ Home

♪ Alone
♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ But also with a couple of friends

♪ Just depends on easing restrictions

♪ And jurisdictions

♪ Misbehave and the second wave

♪ Will send us back
to baking our deadly bread

♪ So we'll stay at home
alone together instead. ♪

Hello, I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to Home Together At Alone
or something along those lines.

Tonight, for a change,
instead of walking forwards,

I'm going to walk backwards
while telling you

what's coming up on the show.

I bet you've never seen
David Speers do this.

Tonight, hygiene tips from
government minister Stuart Robert.

He shows us how to wash your hands
of the robodebt fiasco.

Plus, how to use
the JobKeeper accountants

to make your state's death toll
a whole lot lower.

And fake crowd noise in the NRL.

(CHEERING RECORDING)

We show you how you too can use it

to make an impact at work...
(CHEERING RECORDING)

..and at home.

You know, we've been getting
of letters asking me

why I'm still cooped up in my house
like this

now that the restrictions
have been lifted.

I guess the simple answer is that we
shot all of my bits two months ago

when home isolation
was still a thing.

Back then, this was a throw
to Ryan Shelton.

Hopefully it still works now.

Who cares?

Hey. If you saw the show last week
or enjoy viral videos,

then you probably saw
the shocking footage

of me being brutally attacked
by a wombat.

Ooh! (BLEEP) The wombat's got me!

Well, miraculously, I survived.

And while many of you have had
a laugh at my expense,

I can assure you,
it wasn't funny... at all.

So this week,
something a little different.

And it's nothing more than
this simple message:

So to silence the doubters...
Yeah, I can hear you.

..I spoke with marsupial expert
Dr Oliver Lehman,

who, unlike many of you on Twitter,

actually knows
what he's talking about.

Dr Lehman, first things first.
Yep.

Are wombats a serious threat
to all Australians?

Yep.

Wow. OK. So even if you're
a grown, intelligent man,

it's still possible to be
brutally attacked by a wombat.

Yep.

Well, I gotta say, that makes me
feel a little better. (CHUCKLES)

Great, OK.

Now, Dr Lehman, I know
we're having a laugh now...

Great.
..but if you're comfortable doing so,

would you mind sharing
a personal experience that you've had

with a wombat attack?
Yep.

Thank you.
That's very gracious of you.

Ever since I was young,
I loved being... outdoors

until I got at... ack... ed...
by... wombat.

Wow. I can relate to that.
Absolutely.

How old were you when the attack
took place?

Probably about 30 to 40.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

My age.
Yep.

So even though you were a grown man
and an expert in the field...

Yep.

..even you were susceptible
to a wombat attack.

Yep.

Well, it's good to see you back
on your feet, doctor.

Great.
(CHUCKLES)

Thanks for your time, your candour,

and, of course, for agreeing
to be part of my segment.

Great, OK.
Well, I hope that helped.

You have no idea.

By now, there should be no doubt
that what I was saying earlier

is 100% true -

wombats are not kind,
cute or cuddly.

JASON: Hey, Rizzler.
Oh, hey, Jase.

Just actually finishing up here,
so two seconds.

Yeah, mate, I just felt bad
about leaving you last week.

So me and Shezzie made
a wombat T-shirt for you

to spread the message.
Oh! That's so nice.

Yeah. Chuck it on. Have a look.
Thank you, Jason.

That's alright.

We couldn't fit "wombats are not
kind, cute or cuddly" on it,

it's too long,
so we just did the acronym.

OK.

Might be a bit easier to remember.
Um...

What do ya reckon, Riz? (LAUGHS)

Bit catchier?!

Yeah, that's great, Jace.

That's awesome. Thanks, mate.
Spot on.

Shezzie! Have a look at him!

(LAUGHS) It's classic!

While pubs and clubs
might be reopening,

we all know it's gonna be
a long time

before we can have a proper
girls' night out.

The good news is you can still do
all of that at home.

If you're not used to paying
for your own drinks when you go out,

never fear -

you can achieve
the same results at home

by sneaking your housemate's
natural wine

and simply replacing it with a
combination of kombucha and dirt.

She won't even know the difference.

Mm.

Do you miss the ritual of paying
a sassy door bitch an entry fee?

Sorry. No open-toe shoes.

You can re-create this dynamic
by locking your housemate out

and demanding she bank transfer you
$15.

(KNOCKS AT DOOR)
Lucinda, can you let me in?

Do you have a stamp?

You can even create special
VIP sections of your own homes.

Sorry, members only.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS)

Snorting illegally acquired
horse tranquilizer

is a great way

to get out of your mind...
and therefore out of your house.

Although you do run the risk of
entering one of those pesky K-holes.

In this instance, you might need
someone to take care of you.

And that's where having a housemate
really comes in handy.

So there you have it.

You're finally ready to have
a lit-as-fuck girls night.

You know, a lot of other shows
these days

like to broadcast videos
from home viewers

as a way of generating
easy, cheap content.

They say it's democratising
the media by giving everyone a voice.

I say it's lazy.

Sadly, I was overruled again.

So here, then, is Concetta Calisto
from Ascot Vale,

with a viewer tip
on how to stay healthy.

Hi, Ray.

I was always finding the need
to sneeze out in public,

but I don't want to ruin
my own elbows.

So I came up with portable elbows.

Now I can sneeze with ease.

Achoo! Achoo!

And look at that -

my own elbow remains s...
completely clean.

Here's me and some mates
having brunch the other day.

We all had portable elbows.

They're also really good
for dabbing salts from your face.

So, yeah, Ray, portable elbows.

Good.

With drive-in movies
making a comeback,

I'm going to be showing you
how to transform your car

so you can bring that cinema vibe
along for the ride.

Nothing says "Hollywood"
like a sticky feeling

that's not quite right.

Blast the ice air until
your nipples are so hard,

you could hang your coat off them.

But don't because actually
you want to wear it.

It's not the real cinema
without that quiet rage you feel

when someone is not respecting
their surroundings.

So pay a local teenager
to sit in the back

and talk loudly on the phone.

Is he the new boy?

I'm going to say something.

He has, like, brown hair,
glasses and he has freckles!

No, I'll wait five minutes and
then for sure I'll say something.

Course I like him. He's so cute!

VOICEOVER: Tasmania.

We've got beautiful,
untouched wilderness,

incredible food and wine...

..the cleanest air in the world,

and no coronavirus.

But guess what, you mainlanders
have been pricks to us for years.

Calling us two-headed inbreds,

stealing our athletes,

and buying all our property.

So we're making proper use
of the Bass Strait

and social distancing ourselves
from you for good.

Enjoy the pandemic, mainlanders.

♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

Well, unless you Donald Trump,
it hasn't been easy

to head out for a hit of golf
during this pandemic.

So with golf actually banned
in some states,

we've had to find more creative ways
to stay fit and elitist.

Let our fitness guru couple Nic
and Britt show you just what I mean.

Thanks, Ray. Actually, it's just me.

Britt's having her cheat day...

..at Alan's apartment.

But that's not gonna stop us
from having a fun work-out as well.

Since isolation, a lot of people
have been writing in questions

asking, "Where can
I buy weights from?

"I've been using a bag of concrete
to work out with,

"but it has split open
and gone everywhere."

Do not use the shower when
you're covered in cement, trust me.

And, "I got your voicemail
about Britt.

"I couldn't hear a lot of it because
you were crying. Call me back."

Oh, wow. Great questions, guys.

Now, let's deal with the first one
about weights

and ignore the other one.

To start, you'll need something
that can take the weight,

so you could use a shopping bag,
or even, for example...

..a small suitcase you recently
bought to take to Paris

for a romantic getaway.

Now add the weight.

You can use things around the house
you no longer need

or want to give back.

Oh, that's how it opens.

Adjust the weight
to what is comfortable for you.

Not only have you freed up space,

but now you decide how you use
and carry your emotional baggage.

Another great exercise you can do
without the gym is the wall sit.

It can be done on any
standing flat surface

such as a tree, a washing machine

or even the Eiffel Tower,
where you were planning to propose.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

(LAUGHS) I'll be practising
against my front door.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Now, take a deep breath in.

BRITT: Nic, are you in there?

Push your hips, shoulders, back
against the wall at the same time.

Is that my stuff on the street?

Hold a neutral spine.
Activate the core.

Ooh! This is gonna hurt tomorrow.

Nic, I can hear you!
So look after yourself tonight.

Run a bath, change the locks...
Open the door.

..and your Netflix password.
Nic!

Hopefully with these new techniques,

you can turn your
heartache and pain...

Open this door!
..into positive gains.

Nic! (POUNDS ON DOOR)

Re-socialisation after
lockdown can be tricky.

Today, we're looking at
a typical scenario.

Dining out with our subject, Martin.

Hello.
Don't.

First of all, let's talk
about presentation.

Martin's arrived today
in a filthy tracksuit.

Or, as he jokingly calls it,
his iso uniform.

Yeah, it's funny.

I call it my iso uniform
because, you know, in isolation...

Shut up.

Let's have a look at the various
stains covering its body.

Spaghetti,

dried ham and j...

Milk. That one's milk.

No, it really is. It's, um...

I had a milk, a big milk, that I...

Now it's time to order your meal.

This all looks delicious.
I'll take everything.

So, what's the news with you...
Freeze.

You may not have seen a menu
in three months,

but that's no reason to order
a disgusting amount of food.

Take a breath, stay calm,

and remember, you have company now.

Fat (BLEEP).

What did you just say?
What's that?

Did David just say something?
David is a mannequin, Martin.

What?!

And while you're waiting
for your meal,

remember basic manners
and table etiquette.

I've been thinking about
going to Movie World,

getting on that Superman ride.

No.

Pepper?
No.

No. No.

Never.

Absolutely no.

Well, here it is.

Your first meal in a restaurant
after lockdown.

What an exciting moment
to savour for all time.

(SLOBBERS AND SNUFFLES)

No.

Don't look, David.

(MUMBLES) This is very good.

So, David, perchance would
you like to take turns

putting our bums into the spaghetti?

Beast! Animal!

Are you going to finish yours, David?
No!

Do you mind if I have some of yours?
Leave him.

(KISSES)

With drive-in concerts
becoming all the rage,

I'm going to be showing you how to
rock out that vibe in your car,

so you get the full
concert experience.

Make yourself sick to achieve
that authentic concert smell.

Grab some smelly donation clothing
and stuff it to make pillow people.

It's a simple way to create
that nostalgic feeling

of being stuck in a crowd with
hundreds of sweaty strangers.

Now I really regret spending
so much money on my ticket.

And that's the perfect concert vibe.

VOICEOVER: Ahead of
the AFL season restart,

we've introduced a bonk ban
to keep players safe.

So what does this mean in practice?

A cup of tea is fine.

Vaginal contact is out.

Discussing literature is all good.

A vigorous rogering is bad.

Sunset stroll, fine.

Triple penetration, bad.

So does that mean I can't behave
like a footballer anymore?

No. Urinating in public
is still fine,

but sex is out.

Taking a dump in a hotel is fine,

just don't have sex
while you take the dump.

Simulating sex with a dog...

Actually, that was never really fine.

But can I still bonk
if my penis is two metres long

and I socially distance
throughout the bonk?

While we're all extremely impressed,

no, this is also not allowed.

Come on, be a sport.

Australia needs its footy back,
so please don't have a sex life,

so the rest of us can have a life.

♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

You know, they say that
we should wash our hands

for the time it takes
to sing Happy Birthday twice.

But unfortunately I don't sing and
I can't bloody well stand birthdays,

so instead I've started
washing my hands

to one of my favourite
death metal songs.

Have a listen.

(DEATH METAL SONG PLAYS)

Now, that's actually an album
that Geoff Harvey put me onto.

We even played that particular song
at my wedding

for the bridal waltz.

Fantastic memories.

Still ahead, some more of me
in the show,

but right now somebody else.

With restrictions easing
at different rates,

there are many couples
left wondering...

(MUSIC PLAYS ON COMPUTER)

Sorry.

Being in a cohabitation...
(SLURPS)

..sometimes your partner's negative

is actually an opportunity to
create your own positive.

(CRUNCHES)

Oh, my God!

Why are you drinking that yuck milk
and eating those yuck chips?

I was doing flavour experiments.

Sometimes it's OK
to have alone time.

So, for my alone time,

I like to go urban exploring
down by the stormwater drain...

Billy D!

This is my segment and this
is my career. So just go.

Just because you're in
a relationship doesn't mean

you have to stop growing
as an individual.

Find a public space
and read a statement book

so other people can get a sense
of who you really are.

There's actually no difference
between doing something positive

and being seen to be doing
something positive,

so save yourself some time and
make this little phone book nook.

(PHONE RINGS)
What, Billy D?

Well...

What? One or two?

Oh, just...
Can you just figure it out for once?

God.

Aeroplane mode.

Another way to recapture
the essence of youth

is to share some of
your individuality on the Gram.

Bark is neat as gooder.

Ow.

And if you miss a shot,

just Google image search a similar
one and use that, no-one's checking.

(GASPS) A dog.

Can I please pat your dog?

(BARKS)
(SHRIEKS) Ow!

She fucking bit me.

I should probably check in
on Billy D.

Uh, an important thing about
me time and alone time

is knowing when to end it,
so let's go.

No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No, stop! No!

I regret not taking you seriously.

This is one of the worst things
I've ever seen, ever, ever, ever.

A little help?

Here.
(GROANS)

During a pandemic,
everything is a learning moment.

What did you learn today, Bill?

That if it really is an emergency,

I need to learn to properly
convey that through the tone...

Tone of the text message.

Alone time, good.
Food experiments...

Bad!

I've been unemployed
my whole adult life.

I'm like pancreatic cancer.

Me and Jobs just don't mix.

With my know-how, you actually can
live your best life on the dole.

And you'll be chowing down
on ciggies and tuna in no time.

So let's start with your
Centrelink application.

When you're starting
your application,

Centrelink are gonna want you
to do it online.

Rookie error.

The government is as good
at designing websites

as I am at not getting gout,

which isn't very good because
I've got a lot of gout.

And with this whole virus business,

you do not want to go into
a Centrelink office.

Even without the virus, you
don't want to go in there anyway

because your application is
going to make you so mad

that you're going to
want to punch someone.

Which is why before
every Centrelink call,

I always tape a punching pillow
to the wall.

It's like punching a cloud.

Doosa! Doos! Doos!

So now I'm on hold to Centrelink
and it's gonna be a long time.

Strap in, you're gonna be waiting
for hours, maybe days,

before someone takes your call.

So, in the meantime, find an activity
to keep your mind occupied

and stop you from going insane.

Use some of your old ciggie butts
to create a brand-new ciggie.

(CRIES)

Have a cry to release
some of the tension.

Or just enjoy a little bit
of arts and crafts.

Finally, after all that waiting,

you get through to someone
at Centrelink

and they tell you
what you need to know.

Great. Hang up. Now start again.

You're gonna have to call Centrelink
at least three times

in order to get anything close
to the right information

because Centrelink staff
always fuck it up.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) In order to
complete your application,

I'm gonna need made a copy of
your ID and a bank statement.

Don't need a bank statement.
That's not right at all.

But you do need a separation
certificate.

All you need is your mum's
birth certificate

and a photo of John Burgess.

I can't do anything
without an official Burgo.

So once you've got your paperwork
all handed in,

the next thing you need to do
is wait for about three months

while Centrelink loses
your documentation

and deals with countless
administration errors.

It will be a lot of admin errors.

So what are you gonna do
to survive in the meantime?

Steal.

Well, that was a success.

I nearly got pinched for the salami,

but I just told them that
I had a really big dong.

And that's how you do
a dole application.

Enjoy welfare dependency. Cheers.

Coming up, I'm going to show you

how to get ready for
the drive-through strip club

by clearly labelling your hand
sanitiser and your KY jelly.

Oh, no. Now it's burning.

Oh, it's burning.

VOICEOVER: After
a 30-year-long career

of being a professional bully,
I'm retiring on top

as Australia's number one...

..inciter of race riots.

But let me tell you something,

there's no way I'm off to
the backbench like Kevin Rudd.

Oh, no, I'm launching
my brand-new podcast

available weekly on cassette and CD.

Each week, hear my insights
into coronavirus.

Uh, totally fake, if you ask me.

If you can't see it, it doesn't
exist, just like Anthony Albanese.

(GUFFAWS)

Also, you'll be able to listen
to my analysis

on carbon dioxide
in the atmosphere.

Totally fake if you ask me.

If you can't see it, it doesn't
exist, just like Anthony Albanese.

(GUFFAWS) Still got it.

And a new segment called Which Witch?

The most up-to-date ranking

of the worst women in authority.

Have your chaff bags ready.
This week is a doozy.

And catch up on all
the latest real news

that my butler has printed off for me
from Facebook.

Plus I'll read out loud
any text message I receive,

no matter how bigoted.

So subscribe to the
Alan Jones Podcast.

Just send a self-stamped-addressed
envelope each week

to me in my Southern Highlands
studio,

far away from the coronavirus
that doesn't exist.

(COUGHS) I'm Alan Jones.

♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

Well, we first learned that
our next guest is a vegan in 2002

when he told us he was a vegan.

He's been telling us ever since.

He was better known then as
the one who isn't James Matheson.

Now he's better known
as Osher Gunsberg.

Hi, Osher. How are you holding up?

Well, Ray, as a vegan,

I think it's important to do
my part to help Australians,

not just the vegan Australians.

So while the government
has their JobKeeper payments,

as a vegan, I have my...

..HealthKeeper smoothies.

And I'd love to share
a recipe with you.

Yeah, thanks. That's very kind,
but I'd hoped...

Ray, for your base you're gonna want
to go with some vegan nut milk.

Now, almond or cashew is just fine,

but if you really want
that boost, Ray,

vegan Colombian nut milk.

I get this stuff flown in special,

and I'm an addict and a vegan.

But...

Then you're going to want to add
your vegan goji berries.

Try to find some that
are from the Himalayas,

not just Himalayan goji berries,
but from the actual Himalayas.

Go for ones grown above 5,000 metres
over sea level

because that's where the maximum
anti-oxidant effect really kicks in.

Next, you're going to want to add
a vegan melaleuca branch

from your vegan garden.

Now, my wellness adviser Tegan.

Hey, I said 'Tegan'.

Thank you.

She's vegan and
she said eating meat

is probably the reason
that I'm so stuck-up lately.

But I don't know, Tegan,
the fruit bats in my yard,

they eat these all the time,

and judging by the roof
of my electric car,

their bowels are pretty loose.

My electric car is vegan.
Oh, for (BLEEP) sake.

Now, before anyone writes in

and says that I cut him off
because of time,

I didn't.

I just hate vegans.

Well, sadly or not sadly,
that's all we have time for tonight.

But if you want to continue
the conversation,

I'm sure that woman
with the portable elbows

is standing by
on Facebook or TikTok

willing to talk to you
about anything.

Until next week, goodnight.