Original subtitles

♪ At home ♪ Home

♪ Alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ But also with a couple of friends

♪ Just depends on easing restrictions

♪ And jurisdictions

♪ Misbehave and the second wave

♪ Will send us back to baking our deadly bread

♪ So we'll stay at home alone together instead. ♪

Hello, I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to Home Together At Alone or something along those lines.

Tonight, for a change, instead of walking forwards,

I'm going to walk backwards while telling you

what's coming up on the show.

I bet you've never seen David Speers do this.

Tonight, hygiene tips from government minister Stuart Robert.

He shows us how to wash your hands of the robodebt fiasco.

Plus, how to use the JobKeeper accountants

to make your state's death toll a whole lot lower.

And fake crowd noise in the NRL.

(CHEERING RECORDING)

We show you how you too can use it

to make an impact at work... (CHEERING RECORDING)

..and at home.

You know, we've been getting of letters asking me

why I'm still cooped up in my house like this

now that the restrictions have been lifted.

I guess the simple answer is that we shot all of my bits two months ago

when home isolation was still a thing.

Back then, this was a throw to Ryan Shelton.

Hopefully it still works now.

Who cares?

Hey. If you saw the show last week or enjoy viral videos,

then you probably saw the shocking footage

of me being brutally attacked by a wombat.

Ooh! (BLEEP) The wombat's got me!

Well, miraculously, I survived.

And while many of you have had a laugh at my expense,

I can assure you, it wasn't funny... at all.

So this week, something a little different.

And it's nothing more than this simple message:

So to silence the doubters... Yeah, I can hear you.

..I spoke with marsupial expert Dr Oliver Lehman,

who, unlike many of you on Twitter,

actually knows what he's talking about.

Dr Lehman, first things first. Yep.

Are wombats a serious threat to all Australians?

Yep.

Wow. OK. So even if you're a grown, intelligent man,

it's still possible to be brutally attacked by a wombat.

Yep.

Well, I gotta say, that makes me feel a little better. (CHUCKLES)

Great, OK.

Now, Dr Lehman, I know we're having a laugh now...

Great. ..but if you're comfortable doing so,

would you mind sharing a personal experience that you've had

with a wombat attack? Yep.

Thank you. That's very gracious of you.

Ever since I was young, I loved being... outdoors

until I got at... ack... ed... by... wombat.

Wow. I can relate to that. Absolutely.

How old were you when the attack took place?

Probably about 30 to 40. (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

My age. Yep.

So even though you were a grown man and an expert in the field...

Yep.

..even you were susceptible to a wombat attack.

Yep.

Well, it's good to see you back on your feet, doctor.

Great. (CHUCKLES)

Thanks for your time, your candour,

and, of course, for agreeing to be part of my segment.

Great, OK. Well, I hope that helped.

You have no idea.

By now, there should be no doubt that what I was saying earlier

is 100% true -

wombats are not kind, cute or cuddly.

JASON: Hey, Rizzler. Oh, hey, Jase.

Just actually finishing up here, so two seconds.

Yeah, mate, I just felt bad about leaving you last week.

So me and Shezzie made a wombat T-shirt for you

to spread the message. Oh! That's so nice.

Yeah. Chuck it on. Have a look. Thank you, Jason.

That's alright.

We couldn't fit "wombats are not kind, cute or cuddly" on it,

it's too long, so we just did the acronym.

OK.

Might be a bit easier to remember. Um...

What do ya reckon, Riz? (LAUGHS)

Bit catchier?!

Yeah, that's great, Jace.

That's awesome. Thanks, mate. Spot on.

Shezzie! Have a look at him!

(LAUGHS) It's classic!

While pubs and clubs might be reopening,

we all know it's gonna be a long time

before we can have a proper girls' night out.

The good news is you can still do all of that at home.

If you're not used to paying for your own drinks when you go out,

never fear -

you can achieve the same results at home

by sneaking your housemate's natural wine

and simply replacing it with a combination of kombucha and dirt.

She won't even know the difference.

Mm.

Do you miss the ritual of paying a sassy door bitch an entry fee?

Sorry. No open-toe shoes.

You can re-create this dynamic by locking your housemate out

and demanding she bank transfer you $15.

(KNOCKS AT DOOR) Lucinda, can you let me in?

Do you have a stamp?

You can even create special VIP sections of your own homes.

Sorry, members only.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS)

Snorting illegally acquired horse tranquilizer

is a great way

to get out of your mind... and therefore out of your house.

Although you do run the risk of entering one of those pesky K-holes.

In this instance, you might need someone to take care of you.

And that's where having a housemate really comes in handy.

So there you have it.

You're finally ready to have a lit-as-fuck girls night.

You know, a lot of other shows these days

like to broadcast videos from home viewers

as a way of generating easy, cheap content.

They say it's democratising the media by giving everyone a voice.

I say it's lazy.

Sadly, I was overruled again.

So here, then, is Concetta Calisto from Ascot Vale,

with a viewer tip on how to stay healthy.

Hi, Ray.

I was always finding the need to sneeze out in public,

but I don't want to ruin my own elbows.

So I came up with portable elbows.

Now I can sneeze with ease.

Achoo! Achoo!

And look at that -

my own elbow remains s... completely clean.

Here's me and some mates having brunch the other day.

We all had portable elbows.

They're also really good for dabbing salts from your face.

So, yeah, Ray, portable elbows.

Good.

With drive-in movies making a comeback,

I'm going to be showing you how to transform your car

so you can bring that cinema vibe along for the ride.

Nothing says "Hollywood" like a sticky feeling

that's not quite right.

Blast the ice air until your nipples are so hard,

you could hang your coat off them.

But don't because actually you want to wear it.

It's not the real cinema without that quiet rage you feel

when someone is not respecting their surroundings.

So pay a local teenager to sit in the back

and talk loudly on the phone.

Is he the new boy?

I'm going to say something.

He has, like, brown hair, glasses and he has freckles!

No, I'll wait five minutes and then for sure I'll say something.

Course I like him. He's so cute!

VOICEOVER: Tasmania.

We've got beautiful, untouched wilderness,

incredible food and wine...

..the cleanest air in the world,

and no coronavirus.

But guess what, you mainlanders have been pricks to us for years.

Calling us two-headed inbreds,

stealing our athletes,

and buying all our property.

So we're making proper use of the Bass Strait

and social distancing ourselves from you for good.

Enjoy the pandemic, mainlanders.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Well, unless you Donald Trump, it hasn't been easy

to head out for a hit of golf during this pandemic.

So with golf actually banned in some states,

we've had to find more creative ways to stay fit and elitist.

Let our fitness guru couple Nic and Britt show you just what I mean.

Thanks, Ray. Actually, it's just me.

Britt's having her cheat day...

..at Alan's apartment.

But that's not gonna stop us from having a fun work-out as well.

Since isolation, a lot of people have been writing in questions

asking, "Where can I buy weights from?

"I've been using a bag of concrete to work out with,

"but it has split open and gone everywhere."

Do not use the shower when you're covered in cement, trust me.

And, "I got your voicemail about Britt.

"I couldn't hear a lot of it because you were crying. Call me back."

Oh, wow. Great questions, guys.

Now, let's deal with the first one about weights

and ignore the other one.

To start, you'll need something that can take the weight,

so you could use a shopping bag, or even, for example...

..a small suitcase you recently bought to take to Paris

for a romantic getaway.

Now add the weight.

You can use things around the house you no longer need

or want to give back.

Oh, that's how it opens.

Adjust the weight to what is comfortable for you.

Not only have you freed up space,

but now you decide how you use and carry your emotional baggage.

Another great exercise you can do without the gym is the wall sit.

It can be done on any standing flat surface

such as a tree, a washing machine

or even the Eiffel Tower, where you were planning to propose.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

(LAUGHS) I'll be practising against my front door.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Now, take a deep breath in.

BRITT: Nic, are you in there?

Push your hips, shoulders, back against the wall at the same time.

Is that my stuff on the street?

Hold a neutral spine. Activate the core.

Ooh! This is gonna hurt tomorrow.

Nic, I can hear you! So look after yourself tonight.

Run a bath, change the locks... Open the door.

..and your Netflix password. Nic!

Hopefully with these new techniques,

you can turn your heartache and pain...

Open this door! ..into positive gains.

Nic! (POUNDS ON DOOR)

Re-socialisation after lockdown can be tricky.

Today, we're looking at a typical scenario.

Dining out with our subject, Martin.

Hello. Don't.

First of all, let's talk about presentation.

Martin's arrived today in a filthy tracksuit.

Or, as he jokingly calls it, his iso uniform.

Yeah, it's funny.

I call it my iso uniform because, you know, in isolation...

Shut up.

Let's have a look at the various stains covering its body.

Spaghetti,

dried ham and j...

Milk. That one's milk.

No, it really is. It's, um...

I had a milk, a big milk, that I...

Now it's time to order your meal.

This all looks delicious. I'll take everything.

So, what's the news with you... Freeze.

You may not have seen a menu in three months,

but that's no reason to order a disgusting amount of food.

Take a breath, stay calm,

and remember, you have company now.

Fat (BLEEP).

What did you just say? What's that?

Did David just say something? David is a mannequin, Martin.

What?!

And while you're waiting for your meal,

remember basic manners and table etiquette.

I've been thinking about going to Movie World,

getting on that Superman ride.

No.

Pepper? No.

No. No.

Never.

Absolutely no.

Well, here it is.

Your first meal in a restaurant after lockdown.

What an exciting moment to savour for all time.

(SLOBBERS AND SNUFFLES)

No.

Don't look, David.

(MUMBLES) This is very good.

So, David, perchance would you like to take turns

putting our bums into the spaghetti?

Beast! Animal!

Are you going to finish yours, David? No!

Do you mind if I have some of yours? Leave him.

(KISSES)

With drive-in concerts becoming all the rage,

I'm going to be showing you how to rock out that vibe in your car,

so you get the full concert experience.

Make yourself sick to achieve that authentic concert smell.

Grab some smelly donation clothing and stuff it to make pillow people.

It's a simple way to create that nostalgic feeling

of being stuck in a crowd with hundreds of sweaty strangers.

Now I really regret spending so much money on my ticket.

And that's the perfect concert vibe.

VOICEOVER: Ahead of the AFL season restart,

we've introduced a bonk ban to keep players safe.

So what does this mean in practice?

A cup of tea is fine.

Vaginal contact is out.

Discussing literature is all good.

A vigorous rogering is bad.

Sunset stroll, fine.

Triple penetration, bad.

So does that mean I can't behave like a footballer anymore?

No. Urinating in public is still fine,

but sex is out.

Taking a dump in a hotel is fine,

just don't have sex while you take the dump.

Simulating sex with a dog...

Actually, that was never really fine.

But can I still bonk if my penis is two metres long

and I socially distance throughout the bonk?

While we're all extremely impressed,

no, this is also not allowed.

Come on, be a sport.

Australia needs its footy back, so please don't have a sex life,

so the rest of us can have a life.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

You know, they say that we should wash our hands

for the time it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice.

But unfortunately I don't sing and I can't bloody well stand birthdays,

so instead I've started washing my hands

to one of my favourite death metal songs.

Have a listen.

(DEATH METAL SONG PLAYS)

Now, that's actually an album that Geoff Harvey put me onto.

We even played that particular song at my wedding

for the bridal waltz.

Fantastic memories.

Still ahead, some more of me in the show,

but right now somebody else.

With restrictions easing at different rates,

there are many couples left wondering...

(MUSIC PLAYS ON COMPUTER)

Sorry.

Being in a cohabitation... (SLURPS)

..sometimes your partner's negative

is actually an opportunity to create your own positive.

(CRUNCHES)

Oh, my God!

Why are you drinking that yuck milk and eating those yuck chips?

I was doing flavour experiments.

Sometimes it's OK to have alone time.

So, for my alone time,

I like to go urban exploring down by the stormwater drain...

Billy D!

This is my segment and this is my career. So just go.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean

you have to stop growing as an individual.

Find a public space and read a statement book

so other people can get a sense of who you really are.

There's actually no difference between doing something positive

and being seen to be doing something positive,

so save yourself some time and make this little phone book nook.

(PHONE RINGS) What, Billy D?

Well...

What? One or two?

Oh, just... Can you just figure it out for once?

God.

Aeroplane mode.

Another way to recapture the essence of youth

is to share some of your individuality on the Gram.

Bark is neat as gooder.

Ow.

And if you miss a shot,

just Google image search a similar one and use that, no-one's checking.

(GASPS) A dog.

Can I please pat your dog?

(BARKS) (SHRIEKS) Ow!

She fucking bit me.

I should probably check in on Billy D.

Uh, an important thing about me time and alone time

is knowing when to end it, so let's go.

No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No, stop! No!

I regret not taking you seriously.

This is one of the worst things I've ever seen, ever, ever, ever.

A little help?

Here. (GROANS)

During a pandemic, everything is a learning moment.

What did you learn today, Bill?

That if it really is an emergency,

I need to learn to properly convey that through the tone...

Tone of the text message.

Alone time, good. Food experiments...

Bad!

I've been unemployed my whole adult life.

I'm like pancreatic cancer.

Me and Jobs just don't mix.

With my know-how, you actually can live your best life on the dole.

And you'll be chowing down on ciggies and tuna in no time.

So let's start with your Centrelink application.

When you're starting your application,

Centrelink are gonna want you to do it online.

Rookie error.

The government is as good at designing websites

as I am at not getting gout,

which isn't very good because I've got a lot of gout.

And with this whole virus business,

you do not want to go into a Centrelink office.

Even without the virus, you don't want to go in there anyway

because your application is going to make you so mad

that you're going to want to punch someone.

Which is why before every Centrelink call,

I always tape a punching pillow to the wall.

It's like punching a cloud.

Doosa! Doos! Doos!

So now I'm on hold to Centrelink and it's gonna be a long time.

Strap in, you're gonna be waiting for hours, maybe days,

before someone takes your call.

So, in the meantime, find an activity to keep your mind occupied

and stop you from going insane.

Use some of your old ciggie butts to create a brand-new ciggie.

(CRIES)

Have a cry to release some of the tension.

Or just enjoy a little bit of arts and crafts.

Finally, after all that waiting,

you get through to someone at Centrelink

and they tell you what you need to know.

Great. Hang up. Now start again.

You're gonna have to call Centrelink at least three times

in order to get anything close to the right information

because Centrelink staff always fuck it up.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) In order to complete your application,

I'm gonna need made a copy of your ID and a bank statement.

Don't need a bank statement. That's not right at all.

But you do need a separation certificate.

All you need is your mum's birth certificate

and a photo of John Burgess.

I can't do anything without an official Burgo.

So once you've got your paperwork all handed in,

the next thing you need to do is wait for about three months

while Centrelink loses your documentation

and deals with countless administration errors.

It will be a lot of admin errors.

So what are you gonna do to survive in the meantime?

Steal.

Well, that was a success.

I nearly got pinched for the salami,

but I just told them that I had a really big dong.

And that's how you do a dole application.

Enjoy welfare dependency. Cheers.

Coming up, I'm going to show you

how to get ready for the drive-through strip club

by clearly labelling your hand sanitiser and your KY jelly.

Oh, no. Now it's burning.

Oh, it's burning.

VOICEOVER: After a 30-year-long career

of being a professional bully, I'm retiring on top

as Australia's number one...

..inciter of race riots.

But let me tell you something,

there's no way I'm off to the backbench like Kevin Rudd.

Oh, no, I'm launching my brand-new podcast

available weekly on cassette and CD.

Each week, hear my insights into coronavirus.

Uh, totally fake, if you ask me.

If you can't see it, it doesn't exist, just like Anthony Albanese.

(GUFFAWS)

Also, you'll be able to listen to my analysis

on carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.

Totally fake if you ask me.

If you can't see it, it doesn't exist, just like Anthony Albanese.

(GUFFAWS) Still got it.

And a new segment called Which Witch?

The most up-to-date ranking

of the worst women in authority.

Have your chaff bags ready. This week is a doozy.

And catch up on all the latest real news

that my butler has printed off for me from Facebook.

Plus I'll read out loud any text message I receive,

no matter how bigoted.

So subscribe to the Alan Jones Podcast.

Just send a self-stamped-addressed envelope each week

to me in my Southern Highlands studio,

far away from the coronavirus that doesn't exist.

(COUGHS) I'm Alan Jones.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Well, we first learned that our next guest is a vegan in 2002

when he told us he was a vegan.

He's been telling us ever since.

He was better known then as the one who isn't James Matheson.

Now he's better known as Osher Gunsberg.

Hi, Osher. How are you holding up?

Well, Ray, as a vegan,

I think it's important to do my part to help Australians,

not just the vegan Australians.

So while the government has their JobKeeper payments,

as a vegan, I have my...

..HealthKeeper smoothies.

And I'd love to share a recipe with you.

Yeah, thanks. That's very kind, but I'd hoped...

Ray, for your base you're gonna want to go with some vegan nut milk.

Now, almond or cashew is just fine,

but if you really want that boost, Ray,

vegan Colombian nut milk.

I get this stuff flown in special,

and I'm an addict and a vegan.

But...

Then you're going to want to add your vegan goji berries.

Try to find some that are from the Himalayas,

not just Himalayan goji berries, but from the actual Himalayas.

Go for ones grown above 5,000 metres over sea level

because that's where the maximum anti-oxidant effect really kicks in.

Next, you're going to want to add a vegan melaleuca branch

from your vegan garden.

Now, my wellness adviser Tegan.

Hey, I said 'Tegan'.

Thank you.

She's vegan and she said eating meat

is probably the reason that I'm so stuck-up lately.

But I don't know, Tegan, the fruit bats in my yard,

they eat these all the time,

and judging by the roof of my electric car,

their bowels are pretty loose.

My electric car is vegan. Oh, for (BLEEP) sake.

Now, before anyone writes in

and says that I cut him off because of time,

I didn't.

I just hate vegans.

Well, sadly or not sadly, that's all we have time for tonight.

But if you want to continue the conversation,

I'm sure that woman with the portable elbows

is standing by on Facebook or TikTok

willing to talk to you about anything.

Until next week, goodnight.