Original subtitles

♪ At home ♪ Home

♪ Alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ We'll always be together

♪ At home

♪ Alone

♪ Together forever

♪ Forever

♪ When life has lost all meaning

♪ The kids are screaming (BAWLS)

♪ The rent is due

♪ At least I'm home alone together

♪ With you. ♪

Hello. I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to what I wish was the season finale

of At Home Alone Together,

a show that does for lifestyle

what Top Gear did for air pollution.

Now I'm gonna change positions for absolutely no reason at all.

Now, all of the experts - and Scott Morrison -

agree that we're not out of the woods yet,

so the team and I are here to give you some top tips

on how you can pretend that you are staying vigilant.

Tonight, free at last -

how to transition from working from home

to working from peak-hour traffic jams instead.

Plus, how to make the Queensland border closure permanent.

And with handshakes still off the menu,

we show you the new way to identify a fellow Freemason.

But first up, our favourite married couple.

Now, their acting careers may have stalled in recent years,

but they've realised, like the rest of us,

that even working on a lifestyle show like this one

is probably better than not working on television at all.

Hi.

Your relationship with time has probably changed somewhat

over the last couple of months,

which, let's face it, have felt like a couple of decades.

Yep. So we're gonna show you the perfect daily schedule

for you and four kids.

(ALARM BEEPS)

Clean-up time.

Ugh! I don't wanna do that.

Try and stick to the schedule,

but remember that kids under five lack the cognitive ability

to not be entirely self-centred,

so sometimes things have to change.

It's OK if something that started out one thing

becomes another entirely.

Just like this mysterious pathogen that's ruined all of our lives,

our schedule's constantly evolving, and growing stronger by the minute.

I know what you're thinking -

why would I want a schedule to rule my life?

Because that is a normal, rational thought to have.

So is, "I want to hit that cyclist with my car,"

but that doesn't mean we have to act on it,

or bang on about it all day long.

I'm just saying you're an organised person...

Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

To avoid arguing all day,

Jared and I have actually scheduled in argument time

straight into the schedule.

Which suits Joni great

because she likes to exercise in the morning, but I...

If Jared really wanted to schedule in his very own argument time,

he can do so, because he's a grown-arse adult

and knows how to write in a schedule.

It'd just be nice if some people were more considerate of others

and didn't just think it was all about them.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I could definitely engage in this man-baby dipshit behaviour,

but I won't, because it's not argument time.

You're a robot. You're a (BLEEP).

Instead, I've scheduled some pre-argument planning time,

which I will use to list all the things I'm angry about,

as a subsection of the daily schedule.

So, these essentially act as minutes now for our argument time,

so I know exactly what to argue about during argument time,

but it leaves me the rest of the day so I don't have to stew on it.

And now that I can see what Joni wants to argue about,

I'll schedule in some rebuttal preparation time.

Are you serious? Why do you have to stand right in front of...

This gives me an opportunity to come up with ways to defend myself

against any personally cutting attacks

that Joni has made in her pre-argument planning.

So, now it's finally argument time,

but I'm no longer angry with Jared

because I put it all out in the schedule

and I've had time to make peace with all of his faults.

But I haven't had my chance to tell Joni

that I'd rather fucking die than live like this

and I think she's being selfish,

like that time she flirted with that guy from the...

(ALARM BEEPS)

What do you know? (LAUGHS) Argument time's over.

It's actually my turn for baths

and it's Jared's turn for an existential crisis.

VOICEOVER: And now it's time

for an Unthreatening Fact with Norman Swan.

Hi. I'm Dr Norman Swan,

with an unthreatening non-COVID-19-related fact.

Tonight's fact -

the boiling point of mercury is 356.7 degrees Celsius.

Not particularly interesting,

but at least it's not about COVID-19.

The stress of pandemic life

means that people are drinking more than they ever were before,

And because it's like medicine for coping,

drinking has lost some of its fun.

I would love to drive to a winery in South Australia,

but those cheeky little foxes are keeping the borders closed.

Now we can have some friends over, I thought I'd show you

how to bring some excitement back to your drinking,

by creating that winery vibe we've all been missing.

Mmm!

Let's get to it.

(GLASS SMASHES)

First, clear your breakfast bar

of all those dust-collecting knicky-knackies.

Then grab all the drinking paraphernalia

that you've collected over the years from travelling.

Remember in your early 20s

when you were a total weed hound and your whole identity was smoking,

but then you hit 30

and the panic attacks got so bad so you had to quit?

Well, that old bong makes a perfect wine decanter.

And don't bother cleaning the bongwater residue.

It really adds a depth of flavour to your cheap house wine.

To make your wine seem more fancy,

give them little stickers like awards for children at school.

The shinier the sticker, the tastier the wine.

Choosing a name for a winery takes no imagination -

just pick a native animal and a body of water.

When pouring for your guests,

you want to make sure the wine portions are annoyingly small.

Splash.

It's more authentic.

Splash.

Uh-oh!

♪ Here comes the tsunami! ♪

This rule does not apply to you, however,

because you are the owner of the winery.

(GULPS)

Absolutely love wineries.

It's a perfect excuse to drink a lot without all the judgement.

No, I'm not an alcoholic -

I'm just tasting all the flavours for educational purposes.

Encourage your guests to make use of the spit bucket you provide.

That way, you can recycle it to use on another night.

It could be your house blend.

All wine tastings provide complimentary snacks.

To save money, choose food that is almost inedible,

like Jesus crackers.

I have been using the same packet for the last two years!

The final element of the vibe is to create that sense of inferiority

that people feel when they go to a winery.

This is so simple -

just ask your guests what they taste

and then contradict everything they say with an air of arrogance.

I taste a hint of cherry... Wrong!

It's chicory.

It's always chicory.

Let's see how we score on the Vibe Rater.

Hmm.

Of course, it's chicory.

To finish the day off right,

guilt your guests into buying a case of wine each.

Mark up the price at least 90%

and pocket all those tasty, tasty profits.

Oh, you are $20 short.

Coming up, the government restrictions may be easing,

but we still have to remain vigilant when it comes to social distancing.

That's why I never leave home without one of these -

A 19th-century hoop skirt.

With a diameter of 1.5m,

It's the perfect way to keep people at bay,

for whether you're having a jog

or just popping down to the shops for a couple of sirloins.

G'day, Giuseppe! You too, mate!

How are you, mate? How you going? I've got your steak.

Hey, it's catching on. You bet!

You bet.

And best of all, it leaves your hands free for the walk back home.

How good is this?

VOICEOVER: The Spirit of Australia is back in the air,

and safer than ever.

With our new Fly Well program,

we've introduced strict social distancing measures

in all of our terminals, lounges and boarding gates.

Then, once onboard, enjoy safe new 20cm gaps between all passengers.

And that's just in business class.

5cm social distancing applies in economy,

and the 1cm rule between you and the reclined seat back in front of you

remains unchanged.

No distancing rules apply in our new luggage hold class.

Your safety used to be our priority,

but now it's all about maximising capacity.

(LAUGHS)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

(BAWLS)

♪ At least I'm home alone together

♪ With you. ♪

Welcome back.

Now, like lots of Australians in this lockdown period,

I've gone back to rereading some true classic novels,

like the early period of Bryce Courtenay,

right through the middle period,

and all those favourites in between.

So, if it's OK with you, I'm gonna go back to reading Bryce

during this next segment from, uh, Ryan Shelton.

Hey there.

How are you handling spending so much time with family?

Very badly?

I hear ya. (LAUGHS)

Getting some 'me' time isn't so easy at the moment,

which is why I've decided to create a space of my own...

..in this.

Now, I know what you're thinking -

"How the hell are you gonna fit into that, Shelts?"

Well, believe it or not, this is actually a tent.

And with the help of my identical twin brother and DIY expert, Jason,

I'm gonna be turning this into my own private Idaho.

Come on.

(GUFFAWS) There he is!

The Ryzzla!

(GUFFAWS) Come on, mate. Keep up.

Jason promised to teach me how to pitch the tent.

Yes!

But insisted on doing it somewhere

that he claimed was a short stroll away.

Well, that short stroll turned into an hour...

(BLEEP) hurry up, mate. Come on!

..which then became two hours...

(LAUGHS)

So close, Ryzzla. Come on, mate.

..and finally ended 3.5 hours later in the dead of night.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

And... thank you very much. Short stroll, Jase?

Oh, well, you...

Oh, God! You a bit hot, mate?

(LAUGHS) I'm alright.

Here. Give me this. Give me this. No, no, no...

Jase, no. Alright.

Oh, just... (BLEEP)

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

Yeah, well, I'm wearing the wrong shoes.

If you had have told me...

Don't even... Don't! You are drenched, mate!

Just... Can I have the camera back, please?

(LAUGHS) Enough. This... It's expensive.

Alright, calm your farm.

Just... Careful! Careful! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what's... what's the plan, Jase?

We don't have any food, water, phone reception...

Relax, Ryz. It's gonna be fine. Oh, good. I'm glad it's fine.

'Cause this is Jason Shelton's Surprise Survival Challenge!

No. No. Good luck, Ryzzla!

I'll see you in the morning, mate!

No, Jason... No. Seriously.

Happy camping!

Jason, stop! Seriously, stop!

(NARRATES) For the record, I've seen Punk'd.

Jase!

So I'm no stranger to elaborate pranks on respected celebrities.

But with nothing more than an unpitched tent for company,

I guess I was finally enjoying that much needed 'me' time.

Even with the simplest of designs,

it can sometimes take hours to build a tent.

But when you're cold, dehydrated and starving,

you do the best you can.

So... (RUSTLING)

Jase?

(RUSTLING) Jason?

(QUIETLY) It looks like Jase couldn't handle it out there

and he's finally returned.

What do you say we get over there and bust him red-handed?

Shh.

A word of warning - what you're about to see is real.

It's high stakes and, objectively speaking, it's gripping television.

Oh! I wonder what's going on over here.

(GROWLING) Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh!

Jason! Ryzzla!

JASON! What's goi...?

Oh! Aaaaaagh! (BLEEP)!

(GROWLING) Oh! A (BLEEP) wombat's got me!

(LAUGHS) Whoa! Shit, mate! A wombat's eating me, Jase!

(BLEEP)! You're gonna get eaten by a wombat!

(LAUGHS) (SCREAMS)

Oh, (BLEEP)! Jason!

Are you filming?

No way! Jase, it's eating me!

(GROWLING) Ray! How's this?!

(SOBS)

You don't see this shit on A Current Affair!

Aagh! (BLEEP)!

Sensational! (LAUGHS) (WHIMPERS)

Whoo! Aagh!

Aaaagh! (GROWLING)

Whoo!

Weddings.

They're the best day of your life.

But with this whole COVID crisis,

your special day may not be happening for many months.

That's a lot of time for your friends to do something selfish

that'll sabotage your perfect vision.

So, today, I'm going to be showing you

how to convince your bridesmaids

not to ruin those important wedding pictures,

all without leaving your home.

What I find really helpful is to make a chart

of your bridesmaids, listing their physical flaws.

We're looking for anything that's going to take attention away

from you on the big day.

Tattoos like this can give your wedding pictures a real bogan vibe,

especially if your dresses are spaghetti-strapped like mine are.

I mean, I wanted strapless,

but not everybody has the chest to pull that off.

So, you're gonna need

some heavy-duty Hollywood-grade matte cover-up on the day.

But make sure your illustrated friends know

that they're the ones that are gonna be paying for it.

If they've lost their job and are worried about expenses,

just insist that they spend their weekly food budget

and they can lose a few kilos at the same time.

Win-win!

Now to hair.

If your plan was to have your bridal party resemble the Kardashians,

what do you do if your lesbian friend is a total attention-seeker

and has probably used her time in isolation

to dye her hair some fucking hideous colour?

You can't go wrong with

some good old-fashioned emotional manipulation.

Oh, my God, you shaved your head!

Oh, I can't believe you did that!

What about my day, Jemma?!

I'll just get a wig. It'll be fine.

OK, good.

Just make sure it's real hair because otherwise

a curling iron is going to melt it, yeah?

Pregnancy.

The real epidemic is how much sex everyone is having in lockdown.

Now, it's your responsibility, when the wedding rolls around,

to make sure no-one looks as if they've swallowed a basketball.

There are several ways to do this.

Let me take you through them.

I know you've been trying for ages,

but can you just not have sex for a few months?

I wasn't pregnant at YOUR wedding.

Oh, my God, Tracey, you just met him

and you guys are locked down together?

That is SO desperate.

Just admit that you have an attachment disorder.

Hey, babe, you're not planning on having any more kids, are you?

Oh, he's left you?! Oh, thank God!

Phew!

So, there you have it.

You're all set to get YOUR way on YOUR day.

And don't worry about pissing off your friends.

Friendship is forever, just like a marriage.

Happy planning.

Does your partner's refusal to throw out DVDs

that you know they're never gonna watch again drive you mad,

especially when you've got such a great idea

for how to use the shelf space?

Up next, I'll help you select the titles they won't miss

so you can crush them up and secretly feed them back to your beloved

through baked goods.

Hey, Billy D, do you want some of this cake I made you?

It's loaded with special features.

You can't get them anywhere else.

Father Bob here

still offering all you heathens around-the-clock salvation

in my Father Bob Zoom Confessional Booth.

All the sanctity of a real confession box

without the bloody rock-hard seat.

You wouldn't believe some of the confessions

I've heard this week.

I told Maggie Beer that I absolutely love her quince paste.

But to be really honest, I haven't found a use for it yet.

Of all the cast of Studio 10,

I'm bitter that the ABC chose Ita to be their boss.

Can you forgive me?

I was the guy that said to Bill Shorten, "Bill, you're funny."

Absolution for all!

Who said the Catholic Church isn't modern?

Oh, hang on. It's buffering again.

That's the Father Bob Zoom Confessional Booth,

because they can shut down our lives,

but they can't shut down our afterlife.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

You know, in two months' time, we were all meant

to be cheering on Aussie athletes at the Tokyo Olympics,

or else getting angry because it wasn't gold, gold, gold.

Of course, the Games have been cancelled,

but my autocue just here says that, for many athletes,

the dream lives on.

Now, I call them Ray's Heroes.

My name is Stephanie Koops

and I represent Australia in synchronised swimming.

When I found out that

the Tokyo Olympics weren't happening, I was shattered.

I had worked so hard to make the team.

I'd bought a new Bedazzler to make my costume and everything.

Just because the Games are off,

it doesn't mean we stop training,

but it is not easy practising synchronicity when you're home alone.

I mean, I feel like I'm nailing the synchronicity,

but without my swimming partner here, it's really hard to know.

Once a week, we'll organise a Skype session,

you know, just to practise our smiling.

And right, two, three, four.

And centre, two, three, four. And down.

Or we might do more advanced training,

like a 360 twirl or a solo-leg spiral.

And down.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

The pool where we usually train has been shut down,

so to keep up the aquatic side of things,

I've had to improvise a bit.

It's a bit tricky to pull off all our moves,

but I do what I can.

And as a water baby, I just feel

so much more calm and centred when I'm in the pool.

(GASPS) I've lost my nose clip! I can't find my nose clip!

Help, I can't breathe!

Help! Help!

Oh. OK.

False alarm.

I was passionate about synchronised swimming

way before this whole corona thing.

But in a weird kind of way,

this lockdown has made me fall in love with it all over again.

And if I win gold in the Tokyo Olympics,

I know which pandemic I'll be thanking first.

RAY: And I'm sure the pandemic will be thanking you too.

Stephanie Koops, the latest inductee in my hall of Ray's Heroes.

Lasagne's the best way to feed your family right now.

Now, it may look intimidating, but it's actually quite easy

and full of the basic pantry staples,

meaning you don't have to make extra trips to the shops.

Which is great because my car broke down.

Anyway, as you can see,

we're starting with a bit of onion and a bit of garlic.

Once they're softened, add your beef mince and brown,

then grab your tinned tomatoes and add it to the sauce.

I actually... I had a... Just...

OK, so, I don't have tomatoes,

but that's OK, because tomatoes are from the Americas,

and THIS is a traditional ITALIAN lasagne.

A traditional Italian lasagne calls for a traditional bechamel sauce.

Here's how you make it.

Melt a small dollop of butter in a small pot.

Once you see bubbles foaming, add your flour.

If you don't have plain flour, cornflour works just as well.

If you don't have cornflour, rice flour works just as well.

If you don't have rice flour, potato flour works just as well.

Oh, thank God!

Now just add your milk.

Oh, Christ!

Now, many people know this,

but traditional Italian lasagne never had bechamel sauce in it.

Bechamel sauce is a French invention and the Italians hate the French.

I mean, who doesn't?

Now, it wouldn't be a traditional Italian lasagne

without traditional pasta sheets.

Unless you don't have any.

Now, it really wouldn't be a traditional Italian lasagne

without cheese, the hero of every classic lasagne.

(CRIES)

OK. Mamma mia.

Start by adding your base layer of ragu.

Now add your bechamel.

Now, my lasagne is obviously just as traditional without it,

but if you choose to use bechamel, this is when you'd add it.

Time for your pasta sheets.

Use your imagination...

..and snap one in half if you've got a bit of a gap.

And add a layer of cheese.

And it's just a matter of repeating the process.

And just one more layer of cheese.

And she's ready for the oven.

Oh-ho-ho, wow!

Look at that!

Now, that is a traditional lasagne any Italian nonna would be proud of.

I don't think you'll find one much better in Venice itself.

Bellissimo.

Up next, I'll show some cognitive behavioural exercises I use

to get rid of my intrusive, jealous thoughts about succulents.

You know, for example, why are they so soft,

but also firm and, like, seemingly ageless?

And, like, should that be allowed?

Arggh! Fuck you!

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC)

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Welcome back.

You know, a lot of people ask me what I've been doing in recent years,

why I'm doing this.

Well, it's been a colourful journey, mixed bag.

For a while there, I was one of the models on Deal or No Deal.

I was also a back-up diner in a MasterChef service challenge.

I also did my time inside the Cash Cow suit.

But now, more than ever, it's important to reinvent ourselves.

So, here's psychologist Dr Dianne Strize

showing us that, among other things,

I've just buggered up her name.

With lockdown restrictions loosening,

now is the time to start thinking about re-socialisation.

With the help of Martin here,

I'm gonna guide you through returning to your place of work.

Hi, Martin. I'm Dr Dia... Good, thanks! Martin here!

Not a great start.

It's Martin's first day back at work and he sees his colleague David.

Let's look at what he does first.

David! Mwah!

Hey! Mwah!

Yes! Yes!

♪ David, David, David, whoa, whoa! ♪ Freeze.

Let's have a look at where Martin went wrong.

A bit too handsy.

Not respecting personal space.

And too much kissing.

Even though you've been alone for months,

there's no need to smother other people.

Let's try that again, but, this time, play it cool.

Hey, man, back at work. Yeah, who cares?

Catch ya later, you fucking goose.

Better.

I've been watching a lot of box sets.

I'll list them alphabetically. After Life, Boardwalk Empire, Community...

It's possible you've become boring in isolation.

Martin here was boring before,

and, clearly, it's gotten a lot worse.

Actually, no, Deadpool's not a box set, it's two movies,

but I've got the full extended editions.

Work a little bit harder on the topics that YOU bring

to a workplace conversation.

I like Jaffas... Boring!

Uh, this new Star Wars... Boring!

I've got a pet rabbit... I'm so bored I can't breathe!

I hurt everyone I love! They always leave. (SOBS)

Good. Interesting.

Now that Zoom meetings are coming to an end,

people are returning to a face-to-face environment.

Let's see how Martin handles his performance review.

OK, let's just freeze right away.

Can anyone tell what Martin is doing wrong here?

Is it the baby costume? Yes.

Martin is dressed in a way

that doesn't even have anything to do with lockdown.

It's difficult to understand the decisions that have been made

to get him to this point.

It's so far off the mark.

I didn't even have a job before this.

I hope you've learned something here today,

because I certainly haven't.

Look, anyway, David, I just... I wanna talk about

these quarter-three projections,

because, frankly, we are on track for a huge downturn.

Well, that's it for another week.

But, remember, if you wanna catch up on old episodes,

I'll be selling some bootleg copies of The Midday Show

in my garage at the weekend.

Goodnight.