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00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:03,359
♪ At home
♪ Home
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00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:04,999
♪ Alone
♪ Alone
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00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,799
♪ Together
4
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:08,239
♪ We'll always be together
5
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:09,799
♪ At home
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00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:10,839
♪ Alone
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00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,559
♪ Together forever
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00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,119
♪ Forever
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00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:18,439
♪ When life has lost all meaning
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00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:19,959
♪ The kids are screaming
(BAWLS)
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00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,759
♪ The rent is due
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00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,799
♪ At least I'm home alone together
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00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,720
♪ With you. ♪
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00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:31,839
Hello. I'm Ray Martin.
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00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,519
Welcome to what I wish was
the season finale
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00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,119
of At Home Alone Together,
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00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,799
a show that does for lifestyle
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00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,199
what Top Gear did for air pollution.
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00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:44,759
Now I'm gonna change positions
for absolutely no reason at all.
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00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,119
Now, all of the experts -
and Scott Morrison -
21
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,079
agree that we're
not out of the woods yet,
22
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,639
so the team and I are here
to give you some top tips
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00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,279
on how you can pretend
that you are staying vigilant.
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00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:56,999
Tonight, free at last -
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00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,879
how to transition
from working from home
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00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,359
to working from peak-hour
traffic jams instead.
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00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:06,039
Plus, how to make the
Queensland border closure permanent.
28
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,239
And with handshakes
still off the menu,
29
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,680
we show you the new way
to identify a fellow Freemason.
30
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,479
But first up,
our favourite married couple.
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00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,159
Now, their acting careers
may have stalled in recent years,
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00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,879
but they've realised,
like the rest of us,
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00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,479
that even working
on a lifestyle show like this one
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00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:28,600
is probably better than
not working on television at all.
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Hi.
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00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:32,879
Your relationship with time
has probably changed somewhat
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00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,079
over the last couple of months,
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00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,399
which, let's face it,
have felt like a couple of decades.
39
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,359
Yep. So we're gonna show you
the perfect daily schedule
40
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,960
for you and four kids.
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(ALARM BEEPS)
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Clean-up time.
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00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,880
Ugh!
I don't wanna do that.
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00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,119
Try and stick to the schedule,
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00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,559
but remember that kids under five
lack the cognitive ability
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to not be entirely self-centred,
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so sometimes things have to change.
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00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,599
It's OK if something
that started out one thing
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00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,319
becomes another entirely.
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00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,919
Just like this mysterious pathogen
that's ruined all of our lives,
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00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,039
our schedule's constantly evolving,
and growing stronger by the minute.
52
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,279
I know what you're thinking -
53
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,959
why would I want a schedule
to rule my life?
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00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,359
Because that is a normal,
rational thought to have.
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00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,919
So is, "I want to hit
that cyclist with my car,"
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00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,439
but that doesn't mean
we have to act on it,
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or bang on about it all day long.
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00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,559
I'm just saying you're an
organised person...
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00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,560
Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
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00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,199
To avoid arguing all day,
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00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,639
Jared and I have actually
scheduled in argument time
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straight into the schedule.
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00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:27,799
Which suits Joni great
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00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,799
because she likes to exercise
in the morning, but I...
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00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,479
If Jared really wanted to schedule
in his very own argument time,
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00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,279
he can do so, because
he's a grown-arse adult
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00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,759
and knows how to write in a schedule.
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00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,879
It'd just be nice if some people
were more considerate of others
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00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,359
and didn't just think
it was all about them.
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00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,360
Yeah, absolutely.
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00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,879
And I could definitely engage
in this man-baby dipshit behaviour,
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but I won't, because
it's not argument time.
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You're a robot.
You're a (BLEEP).
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00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,079
Instead, I've scheduled some
pre-argument planning time,
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00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,599
which I will use to list
all the things I'm angry about,
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00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,119
as a subsection
of the daily schedule.
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00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,079
So, these essentially act as
minutes now for our argument time,
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00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,559
so I know exactly what to argue about
during argument time,
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00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,279
but it leaves me the rest of the day
so I don't have to stew on it.
80
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,439
And now that I can see
what Joni wants to argue about,
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00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,719
I'll schedule in some
rebuttal preparation time.
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00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,319
Are you serious? Why do you have
to stand right in front of...
83
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,839
This gives me an opportunity to
come up with ways to defend myself
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00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,279
against any personally
cutting attacks
85
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,599
that Joni has made
in her pre-argument planning.
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00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,919
So, now it's finally argument time,
87
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,959
but I'm no longer angry with Jared
88
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,479
because I put it all out
in the schedule
89
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,199
and I've had time to make peace
with all of his faults.
90
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,959
But I haven't had my chance
to tell Joni
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00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,839
that I'd rather fucking die
than live like this
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00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,279
and I think she's being selfish,
93
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,159
like that time she flirted
with that guy from the...
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(ALARM BEEPS)
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00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,399
What do you know? (LAUGHS)
Argument time's over.
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00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,919
It's actually my turn for baths
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00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,480
and it's Jared's turn
for an existential crisis.
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00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,879
VOICEOVER: And now it's time
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00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,320
for an Unthreatening Fact
with Norman Swan.
100
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,279
Hi. I'm Dr Norman Swan,
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00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:08,119
with an unthreatening
non-COVID-19-related fact.
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00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,679
Tonight's fact -
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the boiling point of mercury
is 356.7 degrees Celsius.
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Not particularly interesting,
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00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,520
but at least it's not about COVID-19.
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00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,399
The stress of pandemic life
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00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,039
means that people are drinking
more than they ever were before,
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00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,519
And because
it's like medicine for coping,
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00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,399
drinking has lost some of its fun.
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I would love to drive
to a winery in South Australia,
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00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,839
but those cheeky little foxes
are keeping the borders closed.
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00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,319
Now we can have some friends over,
I thought I'd show you
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00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,519
how to bring some excitement
back to your drinking,
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00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,120
by creating that winery vibe
we've all been missing.
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00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:46,199
Mmm!
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Let's get to it.
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(GLASS SMASHES)
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First, clear your breakfast bar
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00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,279
of all those dust-collecting
knicky-knackies.
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00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,919
Then grab all the
drinking paraphernalia
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00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,919
that you've collected
over the years from travelling.
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00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,279
Remember in your early 20s
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00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:01,239
when you were a total weed hound
and your whole identity was smoking,
124
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,719
but then you hit 30
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00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,279
and the panic attacks got so bad
so you had to quit?
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00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,799
Well, that old bong
makes a perfect wine decanter.
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00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,479
And don't bother cleaning
the bongwater residue.
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00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:15,159
It really adds a depth of flavour
to your cheap house wine.
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00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,439
To make your wine seem more fancy,
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00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,279
give them little stickers
like awards for children at school.
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00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:23,639
The shinier the sticker,
the tastier the wine.
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00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,319
Choosing a name for a winery
takes no imagination -
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00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:30,079
just pick a native animal
and a body of water.
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00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,079
When pouring for your guests,
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00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,839
you want to make sure the wine
portions are annoyingly small.
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00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:35,959
Splash.
137
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:36,960
It's more authentic.
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00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:37,999
Splash.
139
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,199
Uh-oh!
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00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:44,839
♪ Here comes the tsunami! ♪
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00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,959
This rule does not
apply to you, however,
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00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,159
because you are
the owner of the winery.
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00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,520
(GULPS)
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00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,199
Absolutely love wineries.
145
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,519
It's a perfect excuse to drink a lot
without all the judgement.
146
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,119
No, I'm not an alcoholic -
147
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,879
I'm just tasting all the flavours
for educational purposes.
148
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:15,720
Encourage your guests to make use
of the spit bucket you provide.
149
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,359
That way, you can recycle it
to use on another night.
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00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,439
It could be your house blend.
151
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,519
All wine tastings provide
complimentary snacks.
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00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,679
To save money, choose food
that is almost inedible,
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00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,199
like Jesus crackers.
154
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,400
I have been using the same packet
for the last two years!
155
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:41,319
The final element of the vibe is
to create that sense of inferiority
156
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,479
that people feel
when they go to a winery.
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00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:44,799
This is so simple -
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00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,799
just ask your guests what they taste
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00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,840
and then contradict everything
they say with an air of arrogance.
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00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,479
I taste a hint of cherry...
Wrong!
161
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,040
It's chicory.
162
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,199
It's always chicory.
163
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,919
Let's see how we score
on the Vibe Rater.
164
00:06:58,920 --> 00:06:59,920
Hmm.
165
00:06:59,921 --> 00:07:01,679
Of course, it's chicory.
166
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,279
To finish the day off right,
167
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,879
guilt your guests into buying
a case of wine each.
168
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,439
Mark up the price at least 90%
169
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,319
and pocket all those
tasty, tasty profits.
170
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,439
Oh, you are $20 short.
171
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,399
Coming up, the government
restrictions may be easing,
172
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:20,239
but we still have to remain vigilant
when it comes to social distancing.
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00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,599
That's why I never leave home
without one of these -
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00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,800
A 19th-century hoop skirt.
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00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,999
With a diameter of 1.5m,
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00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,199
It's the perfect way
to keep people at bay,
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00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,279
for whether you're having a jog
178
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:37,559
or just popping down to the shops
for a couple of sirloins.
179
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:38,919
G'day, Giuseppe!
You too, mate!
180
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,679
How are you, mate? How you going?
I've got your steak.
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00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,999
Hey, it's catching on.
You bet!
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00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,040
You bet.
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00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,479
And best of all, it leaves your hands
free for the walk back home.
184
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:48,799
How good is this?
185
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,279
VOICEOVER: The Spirit of Australia
is back in the air,
186
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,679
and safer than ever.
187
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,519
With our new Fly Well program,
188
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,239
we've introduced strict
social distancing measures
189
00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,639
in all of our terminals,
lounges and boarding gates.
190
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:05,479
Then, once onboard, enjoy safe new
20cm gaps between all passengers.
191
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,199
And that's just in business class.
192
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,959
5cm social distancing
applies in economy,
193
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,239
and the 1cm rule between you and the
reclined seat back in front of you
194
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,039
remains unchanged.
195
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,919
No distancing rules apply
in our new luggage hold class.
196
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,519
Your safety used to be our priority,
197
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,880
but now it's all about
maximising capacity.
198
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,200
(LAUGHS)
199
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,240
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
200
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,000
(BAWLS)
201
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,399
♪ At least I'm home alone together
202
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,200
♪ With you. ♪
203
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:10,959
Welcome back.
204
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,479
Now, like lots of Australians
in this lockdown period,
205
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,039
I've gone back to rereading
some true classic novels,
206
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,119
like the early period
of Bryce Courtenay,
207
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,639
right through the middle period,
208
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,599
and all those favourites in between.
209
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,719
So, if it's OK with you,
I'm gonna go back to reading Bryce
210
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,720
during this next segment
from, uh, Ryan Shelton.
211
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,679
Hey there.
212
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:34,999
How are you handling spending
so much time with family?
213
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,719
Very badly?
214
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,399
I hear ya. (LAUGHS)
215
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,719
Getting some 'me' time
isn't so easy at the moment,
216
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,439
which is why I've decided
to create a space of my own...
217
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,959
..in this.
218
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,959
Now, I know what you're thinking -
219
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,399
"How the hell are you gonna
fit into that, Shelts?"
220
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,679
Well, believe it or not,
this is actually a tent.
221
00:09:55,680 --> 00:10:00,039
And with the help of my identical
twin brother and DIY expert, Jason,
222
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:04,639
I'm gonna be turning this
into my own private Idaho.
223
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:05,640
Come on.
224
00:10:05,641 --> 00:10:07,159
(GUFFAWS) There he is!
225
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,359
The Ryzzla!
226
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,879
(GUFFAWS) Come on, mate. Keep up.
227
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,359
Jason promised to teach me
how to pitch the tent.
228
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,439
Yes!
229
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,399
But insisted on doing it somewhere
230
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,159
that he claimed
was a short stroll away.
231
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,279
Well, that short stroll
turned into an hour...
232
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,079
(BLEEP) hurry up, mate. Come on!
233
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,479
..which then became two hours...
234
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,999
(LAUGHS)
235
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,399
So close, Ryzzla. Come on, mate.
236
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,719
..and finally ended 3.5 hours later
in the dead of night.
237
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,599
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
238
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,719
And... thank you very much.
Short stroll, Jase?
239
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,159
Oh, well, you...
240
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,039
Oh, God! You a bit hot, mate?
241
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,199
(LAUGHS)
I'm alright.
242
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,119
Here. Give me this. Give me this.
No, no, no...
243
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,599
Jase, no.
Alright.
244
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,479
Oh, just... (BLEEP)
245
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,359
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
246
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,839
Yeah, well,
I'm wearing the wrong shoes.
247
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,079
If you had have told me...
248
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,599
Don't even... Don't!
You are drenched, mate!
249
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,039
Just... Can I have
the camera back, please?
250
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,439
(LAUGHS)
Enough. This... It's expensive.
251
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,599
Alright, calm your farm.
252
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,119
Just... Careful! Careful!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
253
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,599
So, what's... what's the plan, Jase?
254
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,079
We don't have any food, water,
phone reception...
255
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,719
Relax, Ryz. It's gonna be fine.
Oh, good. I'm glad it's fine.
256
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,559
'Cause this is Jason Shelton's
Surprise Survival Challenge!
257
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:14,719
No. No.
Good luck, Ryzzla!
258
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,399
I'll see you in the morning, mate!
259
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,399
No, Jason... No. Seriously.
260
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,999
Happy camping!
261
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,599
Jason, stop! Seriously, stop!
262
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,359
(NARRATES) For the record,
I've seen Punk'd.
263
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,360
Jase!
264
00:11:24,361 --> 00:11:28,799
So I'm no stranger to elaborate
pranks on respected celebrities.
265
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,519
But with nothing more
than an unpitched tent for company,
266
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,119
I guess I was finally enjoying
that much needed 'me' time.
267
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,639
Even with the simplest of designs,
268
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,079
it can sometimes take hours
to build a tent.
269
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:46,799
But when you're cold,
dehydrated and starving,
270
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,959
you do the best you can.
271
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,719
So...
(RUSTLING)
272
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:51,999
Jase?
273
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,200
(RUSTLING)
Jason?
274
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,839
(QUIETLY) It looks like Jase
couldn't handle it out there
275
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,879
and he's finally returned.
276
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:05,120
What do you say we get over there
and bust him red-handed?
277
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,519
Shh.
278
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,119
A word of warning -
what you're about to see is real.
279
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:16,199
It's high stakes and, objectively
speaking, it's gripping television.
280
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:20,040
Oh! I wonder what's
going on over here.
281
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,319
(GROWLING)
Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh!
282
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,639
Jason!
Ryzzla!
283
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:26,999
JASON!
What's goi...?
284
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,559
Oh!
Aaaaaagh! (BLEEP)!
285
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,479
(GROWLING)
Oh! A (BLEEP) wombat's got me!
286
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,679
(LAUGHS) Whoa! Shit, mate!
A wombat's eating me, Jase!
287
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,719
(BLEEP)!
You're gonna get eaten by a wombat!
288
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,239
(LAUGHS)
(SCREAMS)
289
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,719
Oh, (BLEEP)! Jason!
290
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:38,999
Are you filming?
291
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,519
No way!
Jase, it's eating me!
292
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,279
(GROWLING)
Ray! How's this?!
293
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,280
(SOBS)
294
00:12:43,281 --> 00:12:45,639
You don't see this shit
on A Current Affair!
295
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,079
Aagh! (BLEEP)!
296
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,239
Sensational! (LAUGHS)
(WHIMPERS)
297
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,679
Whoo!
Aagh!
298
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:51,919
Aaaagh!
(GROWLING)
299
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:52,920
Whoo!
300
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,559
Weddings.
301
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,319
They're the best day of your life.
302
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,159
But with this whole COVID crisis,
303
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,079
your special day may not be happening
for many months.
304
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,359
That's a lot of time for your friends
to do something selfish
305
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,359
that'll sabotage your perfect vision.
306
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,919
So, today,
I'm going to be showing you
307
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,599
how to convince your bridesmaids
308
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,199
not to ruin
those important wedding pictures,
309
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,800
all without leaving your home.
310
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,479
What I find really helpful
is to make a chart
311
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,559
of your bridesmaids,
listing their physical flaws.
312
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,279
We're looking for anything
that's going to take attention away
313
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,079
from you on the big day.
314
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,639
Tattoos like this can give your
wedding pictures a real bogan vibe,
315
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,839
especially if your dresses are
spaghetti-strapped like mine are.
316
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,439
I mean, I wanted strapless,
317
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,279
but not everybody has the chest
to pull that off.
318
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:46,759
So, you're gonna need
319
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,999
some heavy-duty Hollywood-grade
matte cover-up on the day.
320
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,039
But make sure
your illustrated friends know
321
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,679
that they're the ones
that are gonna be paying for it.
322
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,759
If they've lost their job
and are worried about expenses,
323
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,839
just insist that they spend
their weekly food budget
324
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,319
and they can lose a few kilos
at the same time.
325
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,799
Win-win!
326
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,719
Now to hair.
327
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,519
If your plan was to have your bridal
party resemble the Kardashians,
328
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:15,359
what do you do if your lesbian friend
is a total attention-seeker
329
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,919
and has probably used
her time in isolation
330
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,559
to dye her hair
some fucking hideous colour?
331
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,039
You can't go wrong with
332
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,919
some good old-fashioned
emotional manipulation.
333
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,199
Oh, my God, you shaved your head!
334
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,239
Oh, I can't believe you did that!
335
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,959
What about my day, Jemma?!
336
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,240
I'll just get a wig. It'll be fine.
337
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,479
OK, good.
338
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,199
Just make sure it's real hair
because otherwise
339
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,319
a curling iron is going
to melt it, yeah?
340
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:41,999
Pregnancy.
341
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,919
The real epidemic is how much sex
everyone is having in lockdown.
342
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,679
Now, it's your responsibility,
when the wedding rolls around,
343
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,279
to make sure no-one looks
as if they've swallowed a basketball.
344
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,119
There are several ways to do this.
345
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,759
Let me take you through them.
346
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,679
I know you've been trying for ages,
347
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,799
but can you just not have sex
for a few months?
348
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,599
I wasn't pregnant at YOUR wedding.
349
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,719
Oh, my God, Tracey,
you just met him
350
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,839
and you guys are
locked down together?
351
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,319
That is SO desperate.
352
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,319
Just admit that you have
an attachment disorder.
353
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,679
Hey, babe, you're not planning
on having any more kids, are you?
354
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,519
Oh, he's left you?! Oh, thank God!
355
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,079
Phew!
356
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,599
So, there you have it.
357
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,919
You're all set to get YOUR way
on YOUR day.
358
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,279
And don't worry about
pissing off your friends.
359
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,239
Friendship is forever,
just like a marriage.
360
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,720
Happy planning.
361
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,759
Does your partner's refusal
to throw out DVDs
362
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,439
that you know they're never gonna
watch again drive you mad,
363
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,559
especially when you've got
such a great idea
364
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,679
for how to use the shelf space?
365
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,719
Up next, I'll help you select
the titles they won't miss
366
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,399
so you can crush them up and secretly
feed them back to your beloved
367
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,039
through baked goods.
368
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,839
Hey, Billy D, do you want
some of this cake I made you?
369
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,959
It's loaded with special features.
370
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,679
You can't get them anywhere else.
371
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,319
Father Bob here
372
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,999
still offering all you heathens
around-the-clock salvation
373
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,399
in my Father Bob
Zoom Confessional Booth.
374
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:06,239
All the sanctity
of a real confession box
375
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,639
without the bloody rock-hard seat.
376
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,959
You wouldn't believe
some of the confessions
377
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,599
I've heard this week.
378
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,679
I told Maggie Beer that
I absolutely love her quince paste.
379
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,999
But to be really honest,
I haven't found a use for it yet.
380
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,479
Of all the cast of Studio 10,
381
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:26,719
I'm bitter that the ABC chose Ita
to be their boss.
382
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,479
Can you forgive me?
383
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:32,759
I was the guy that said to
Bill Shorten, "Bill, you're funny."
384
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,879
Absolution for all!
385
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,719
Who said the Catholic Church
isn't modern?
386
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,159
Oh, hang on. It's buffering again.
387
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,319
That's the Father Bob
Zoom Confessional Booth,
388
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,199
because they can
shut down our lives,
389
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,440
but they can't shut down
our afterlife.
390
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:54,600
♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪
391
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,239
You know, in two months' time,
we were all meant
392
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,639
to be cheering on Aussie athletes
at the Tokyo Olympics,
393
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,799
or else getting angry
because it wasn't gold, gold, gold.
394
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,479
Of course, the Games
have been cancelled,
395
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,719
but my autocue just here says
that, for many athletes,
396
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,239
the dream lives on.
397
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,120
Now, I call them Ray's Heroes.
398
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,239
My name is Stephanie Koops
399
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,000
and I represent Australia
in synchronised swimming.
400
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,559
When I found out that
401
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,919
the Tokyo Olympics weren't happening,
I was shattered.
402
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,759
I had worked so hard
to make the team.
403
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,040
I'd bought a new Bedazzler
to make my costume and everything.
404
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,879
Just because the Games are off,
405
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,559
it doesn't mean we stop training,
406
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,800
but it is not easy practising
synchronicity when you're home alone.
407
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,999
I mean, I feel like
I'm nailing the synchronicity,
408
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:55,319
but without my swimming partner here,
it's really hard to know.
409
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,279
Once a week, we'll organise
a Skype session,
410
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,119
you know, just to practise
our smiling.
411
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,159
And right, two, three, four.
412
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,639
And centre, two, three, four.
And down.
413
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,559
Or we might do
more advanced training,
414
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:11,559
like a 360 twirl
or a solo-leg spiral.
415
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,239
And down.
416
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,519
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
417
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,399
The pool where we usually train
has been shut down,
418
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,599
so to keep up
the aquatic side of things,
419
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,160
I've had to improvise a bit.
420
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,159
It's a bit tricky to pull off
all our moves,
421
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,719
but I do what I can.
422
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,199
And as a water baby, I just feel
423
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,079
so much more calm and centred
when I'm in the pool.
424
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,479
(GASPS) I've lost my nose clip!
I can't find my nose clip!
425
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,959
Help, I can't breathe!
426
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,120
Help! Help!
427
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,559
Oh. OK.
428
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,640
False alarm.
429
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,999
I was passionate about
synchronised swimming
430
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,479
way before this whole corona thing.
431
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,519
But in a weird kind of way,
432
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,359
this lockdown has made me
fall in love with it all over again.
433
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:58,999
And if I win gold
in the Tokyo Olympics,
434
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,439
I know which pandemic
I'll be thanking first.
435
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,479
RAY: And I'm sure the pandemic
will be thanking you too.
436
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:09,040
Stephanie Koops, the latest inductee
in my hall of Ray's Heroes.
437
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,279
Lasagne's the best way
to feed your family right now.
438
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,159
Now, it may look intimidating,
but it's actually quite easy
439
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,679
and full of the basic pantry staples,
440
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,239
meaning you don't have to make
extra trips to the shops.
441
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,639
Which is great
because my car broke down.
442
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,279
Anyway, as you can see,
443
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,799
we're starting with a bit of onion
and a bit of garlic.
444
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,239
Once they're softened,
add your beef mince and brown,
445
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,520
then grab your tinned tomatoes
and add it to the sauce.
446
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,800
I actually... I had a... Just...
447
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,719
OK, so, I don't have tomatoes,
448
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,199
but that's OK, because tomatoes
are from the Americas,
449
00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:01,039
and THIS is
a traditional ITALIAN lasagne.
450
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:05,159
A traditional Italian lasagne calls
for a traditional bechamel sauce.
451
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,639
Here's how you make it.
452
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,519
Melt a small dollop of butter
in a small pot.
453
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,520
Once you see bubbles foaming,
add your flour.
454
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,719
If you don't have plain flour,
cornflour works just as well.
455
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,879
If you don't have cornflour,
rice flour works just as well.
456
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,520
If you don't have rice flour,
potato flour works just as well.
457
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,639
Oh, thank God!
458
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,920
Now just add your milk.
459
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,759
Oh, Christ!
460
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,319
Now, many people know this,
461
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:39,039
but traditional Italian lasagne
never had bechamel sauce in it.
462
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,359
Bechamel sauce is a French invention
and the Italians hate the French.
463
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:43,839
I mean, who doesn't?
464
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,719
Now, it wouldn't be
a traditional Italian lasagne
465
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,800
without traditional pasta sheets.
466
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,639
Unless you don't have any.
467
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,839
Now, it really wouldn't be
a traditional Italian lasagne
468
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:01,400
without cheese,
the hero of every classic lasagne.
469
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,679
(CRIES)
470
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,639
OK. Mamma mia.
471
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,559
Start by adding
your base layer of ragu.
472
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,519
Now add your bechamel.
473
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:19,239
Now, my lasagne is obviously
just as traditional without it,
474
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,520
but if you choose to use bechamel,
this is when you'd add it.
475
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,399
Time for your pasta sheets.
476
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,719
Use your imagination...
477
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,359
..and snap one in half
if you've got a bit of a gap.
478
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,319
And add a layer of cheese.
479
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,000
And it's just a matter
of repeating the process.
480
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,319
And just one more layer of cheese.
481
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,080
And she's ready for the oven.
482
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,519
Oh-ho-ho, wow!
483
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,239
Look at that!
484
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:56,279
Now, that is a traditional lasagne
any Italian nonna would be proud of.
485
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,400
I don't think you'll find one
much better in Venice itself.
486
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:04,920
Bellissimo.
487
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,639
Up next, I'll show some cognitive
behavioural exercises I use
488
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,639
to get rid of my intrusive,
jealous thoughts about succulents.
489
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,599
You know, for example,
why are they so soft,
490
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,759
but also firm
and, like, seemingly ageless?
491
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,839
And, like, should that be allowed?
492
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,399
Arggh! Fuck you!
493
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,240
(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC)
494
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:51,640
♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪
495
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:54,759
Welcome back.
496
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,559
You know, a lot of people ask me
what I've been doing in recent years,
497
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,039
why I'm doing this.
498
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,719
Well, it's been a colourful journey,
mixed bag.
499
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,399
For a while there, I was one
of the models on Deal or No Deal.
500
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,599
I was also a back-up diner
in a MasterChef service challenge.
501
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,719
I also did my time
inside the Cash Cow suit.
502
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,959
But now, more than ever,
it's important to reinvent ourselves.
503
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,239
So, here's psychologist
Dr Dianne Strize
504
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,439
showing us that, among other things,
505
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,599
I've just buggered up her name.
506
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,159
With lockdown restrictions
loosening,
507
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:29,719
now is the time to start
thinking about re-socialisation.
508
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,599
With the help of Martin here,
509
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,839
I'm gonna guide you through
returning to your place of work.
510
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,040
Hi, Martin. I'm Dr Dia...
Good, thanks! Martin here!
511
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:41,719
Not a great start.
512
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:46,199
It's Martin's first day back at work
and he sees his colleague David.
513
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,560
Let's look at what he does first.
514
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,439
David! Mwah!
515
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,079
Hey! Mwah!
516
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:54,239
Yes! Yes!
517
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,519
♪ David, David, David, whoa, whoa! ♪
Freeze.
518
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,439
Let's have a look
at where Martin went wrong.
519
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,759
A bit too handsy.
520
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,759
Not respecting personal space.
521
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,480
And too much kissing.
522
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,399
Even though you've been alone
for months,
523
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,239
there's no need
to smother other people.
524
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,760
Let's try that again,
but, this time, play it cool.
525
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:17,959
Hey, man, back at work.
Yeah, who cares?
526
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,359
Catch ya later, you fucking goose.
527
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,559
Better.
528
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,039
I've been watching
a lot of box sets.
529
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:27,879
I'll list them alphabetically. After
Life, Boardwalk Empire, Community...
530
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:31,599
It's possible you've become boring
in isolation.
531
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,959
Martin here was boring before,
532
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,999
and, clearly,
it's gotten a lot worse.
533
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,599
Actually, no, Deadpool's not
a box set, it's two movies,
534
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,479
but I've got the full
extended editions.
535
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,959
Work a little bit harder
on the topics that YOU bring
536
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,039
to a workplace conversation.
537
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,879
I like Jaffas...
Boring!
538
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,759
Uh, this new Star Wars...
Boring!
539
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,999
I've got a pet rabbit...
I'm so bored I can't breathe!
540
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,879
I hurt everyone I love!
They always leave. (SOBS)
541
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,119
Good. Interesting.
542
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,039
Now that Zoom meetings
are coming to an end,
543
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:04,079
people are returning
to a face-to-face environment.
544
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:07,040
Let's see how Martin handles
his performance review.
545
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,639
OK, let's just freeze right away.
546
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,560
Can anyone tell
what Martin is doing wrong here?
547
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,879
Is it the baby costume?
Yes.
548
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,599
Martin is dressed in a way
549
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,599
that doesn't even have
anything to do with lockdown.
550
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,239
It's difficult to understand
the decisions that have been made
551
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:31,759
to get him to this point.
552
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,079
It's so far off the mark.
553
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,159
I didn't even have a job
before this.
554
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,559
I hope you've learned something
here today,
555
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:38,880
because I certainly haven't.
556
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,399
Look, anyway, David,
I just... I wanna talk about
557
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,999
these quarter-three projections,
558
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,320
because, frankly,
we are on track for a huge downturn.
559
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,359
Well, that's it for another week.
560
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,639
But, remember, if you wanna catch up
on old episodes,
561
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,319
I'll be selling some bootleg copies
of The Midday Show
562
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,279
in my garage at the weekend.
563
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:01,760
Goodnight.
44356
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