Original subtitles

♪ At home, alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ We'll always be together at home

♪ Alone, together forever ♪ Ever

♪ Forever

♪ When life has lost all meaning ♪ Shoop, dooby doo-doo

♪ The kids are screaming, the rent is due

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Hello. Unfortunately, I'm still Ray Martin.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together, a new lifestyle show

for those who don't have a life or Netflix.

Now, I know that restrictions have been eased a bit,

but the team and I are here to hold your hand through this crisis,

even though the hand is a bit germ-ridden and disgusting.

Tonight,

the boom in bike sales

and what drugs you'll need to become a proper cyclist.

Plus, five new viruses we'd like to give to Richard Wilkins.

And as the pubs and clubs reopen,

a handy refresher course on how to lose all your money.

But first, here's Bjorn.

Hey, folks. Bjorn here.

How long have we been in quarantine now?

I don't know. My watch has stopped working.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Seriously, though. That's my grandfather's watch.

Today's challenge comes from Jim from Gunnedah.

And Jim says...

(READS)

Can't I, Jim?

This guy with a Cert 4 in cooking can't even make a loaf of bread, hey?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm gonna rise to the challenge, because guess what -

challenge accepted!

OK.

First up, mix all the ingredients in a big mixing bowl,

and as you stir, the dough will start to come together

all silky and smooth.

This dough is a bit wet, so we're going to add a bit more flour.

It'll come together all silky and smooth.

Too wet. (SIGHS)

Too wet.

Still too wet!

Wet.

Still too bloody wet!

It looks dry, but it's wet. (LAUGHS)

Why are you wet? (GROWLS, LAUGHS)

(ON COMPUTER) You stir it thoroughly

so it'll come together all silky and smooth.

Well, it's not.

Now, some of you in the comments will be like,

"Wow, Bjorn is taking ages making this bread dough.

"What a dumb-arse flog.

"This guy has no idea."

Well, unlike others,

I actually take the ancient art of breadmaking seriously, OK?

So why don't you keep your hurtful comments to yourself?

Dust the board and start kneading.

Now, the trick with kneading is to use the palm of your hand.

Roll and stretch.

So, roll and...

Son of a (BLEEP)! It's wet!

I find kneading really therapeutic.

Where's my watch?

Yes! Oh, my God!

Yes! Finally!

(LAUGHS)

If you keep kneading, it'll come together all silky and smooth.

Isn't she a beauty?

That's perfect.

Oh, wow!

(LAUGHS)

Now the moment of truth.

Um...

I am so happy with this.

This is just how Mum used to make it.

Mmm!

(GLASS CRACKS) Oh!

(GROANS)

Fuckin' call an ambulance!

VOICEOVER: And now it's time for an unthreatening fact

with Norman Swan.

Hi. I'm Dr Norman Swan

with an unthreatening, non-COVID-19-related fact.

Tonight's fact -

researchers have found a tree in Sweden that's 9,550 years old.

That's one old tree.

And it has nothing to do with the current global pandemic.

That was an unthreatening fact with Norman Swan.

Since everybody's stuck at home,

they are online bragging about their vegie gardens.

What if you don't have a backyard?

Don't be sad.

In my opinion, outside gardens are just too much work for vegetables.

So let me show you how to get that garden vibe inside your home,

the modern way.

Hello from the inside!

Come on in.

First what you want to do is to look for a corner

that feels like it wants a garden in it.

Now, this corner is really screaming out for a garden,

so let's clear some space.

Add a pop of colour.

I suggest green,

for that garden vibe.

Raised garden beds are all the rage,

so you can use that Swedish coffee table

your mother-in-law gave you that you absolutely hate

and just cover it with one of the cheap Christmas tablecloths

that you only used once and then you put in the back of the cupboard,

you forgot you had it.

Next, create a border for your garden with little white rockies.

Remember when you bought them from the discount store

because you were going to write little hope messages on them

to read on the down days,

but then you didn't need it anymore because you just got medication?

Then you want to get your dirt.

But you don't want to use real dirt

because it smells like a peasant person.

For my dirt, I like to use chocolate crumbles.

I'll show you why later.

Now for the most fun part - planting your vegetables.

I like to use a lot of different colours

because it really brings that garden alive.

Canned vegetables are so much better than real vegetables

because they never die and are so much more aesthetically pleasing.

If you look around your home, you'll be so surprised

about what you'll find

for those extra touches of the garden vibe.

Adding fairy lights means you can enjoy your garden

as the best time of day - night-time.

There really is nothing better

than eating the food that you've grown in your own garden.

And the best part?

The dirt is perfect for your nightly cocoa.

I'm so glad we're not outside.

It would be so cold.

Let's see how we scored on the Vibe Rater.

I feel good about this Vibe Rating.

And don't forget, you can grow anything you want.

Oh, look! I grew a wheel of brie!

This is really a perfect garden vibe.

Coming up, my trick for using COVID-19 to get rid of people

you don't want to talk to.

Simply rig up a sensor to trigger a loud cough alarm

whenever someone approaches.

(COUGHING)

The more unwelcome the guest, the more you can dial up the cough.

(LOUD COUGHING)

Works every time.

These are unprecedented times.

We know things are hard right now.

You're stuck inside with nothing to do.

You might be going out of your mind.

Just wanting to do something.

Anything.

But now more than ever...

More than ever.

More than ever.

It's time to think about how your choices affect others.

So please. Please.

Please.

Don't start a podcast.

Just... Don't do it.

Don't do it.

You might feel like it's a productive

use of your time right now.

You've probably already got a USB mic and a spare room ready to go.

And your mate Dave's got some interesting opinions.

But we're here to tell you.

He doesn't. He really doesn't.

He's a fuckwit.

We don't need your true crime exclusive,

which is just you reading Wikipedia articles to your housemate.

We don't need your minute-by-minute breakdown

of every episode of Parks and Rec.

What are you gonna do?

Send everyone in your contact list a MailChimp newsletter?

And force them to mark you as spam instead of unsubscribing?

Because they're scared to hurt your feelings?

We're in the middle of a pandemic!

Look, it's pretty straightforward.

Just don't start a podcast.

Make some pasta from scratch like everyone else and just shut up.

The greatest gift you can give your fellow human beings right now...

Right now. Right now.

Is to shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Come on. Do it.

Don't start a podcast.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Welcome back. I think we've all discovered

that living in lockdown means lots of sacrifices.

I mean, I can't remember the last time

I was able to mud wrestle with George Negus.

Must be months.

But our money-maker, Helen Bidou,

has discovered this is a good time to make a profit.

Books!

They seem boring, and mostly they are,

but they're also a great way to explore your creativity

and become a cultural icon, like me!

(CACKLES)

(GIGGLES) Oh, yes.

Writing a book is easy.

It's just thoughts coming out of your head, travelling through space

and going into a computer.

The first step is to find yourself an inspiring writing sanctuary.

And now you're all set.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Right now, I'm writing three books at once to maximise my reach -

an erotic fiction,

a crime thriller

and a memoir.

The main thing you need when writing a book is an imagination,

and imagination is just little people in your head

acting out your thoughts.

(CHUCKLES)

No! (LAUGHS)

No. Oh. No! (LAUGHS) No! (SQUEALS)

So try and picture the scenes as you go.

It'll make it a lot quicker and easier.

Let's take a look at my erotic fiction,

Hot Like Helen.

(SENSUALLY) "It was a hot, sweaty night.

"I had to put the aircon on 18."

So you've come back.

Couldn't live without me, Simon?

Alright, let's have a look.

(HORSE WHINNIES) My my!

We HAVE been working out.

You can't beat the real thing.

Welcome to cougar town.

It's as easy as that!

Now let's have a look at my thriller, Cocktail Nights.

(THUNDER CRASHES) "This time,

"Bethany had gone too far and she knew it."

You think you could just stare at your best friend's man

and there's no consequences?!

Enjoy the cocktail nights, Bethany!

Easy peasy.

And now for a slice of real life - my memoir, Helen Speaks.

"I was thriving in lockdown.

"I'd already done Pilates twice that morning

"and now was taking the opportunity to catch up with loved ones."

I applied for the job, and I got it!

Oh, Connor, you're such a wonderful child with so many gifts.

And you're such a supportive and non-emotionally-abusive mother.

Oh, yeah!

I'm just so happy that my mother

is a confident and sexually... (SQUEALS)

..dynamic being. Whoo!

She really knows how to show Daddy who's boss.

(CACKLES) That is not my daddy.

That is NOT my da...

And there you have it.

Writing a book is that easy.

Admit it - you're jealous! (GIGGLES) Ciao.

Well, last week our love doctor showed us

how to spice things up with some roleplay dress-up -

advice that I've taken to heart with my own love life.

So let's see what hot tips she has for us this week.

Well, it seems that the lockdown has really been taking its toll

on the nation's couples.

All the emails I'm getting, I swear. The problem is boredom.

Well, I think I have just the solution.

♪ Follow me Everything is alright! ♪

(LAUGHS) To the backyard.

What a lot of people are missing at the moment are the endorphins

that come from doing things with their partner.

A great way to get that shared feeling

is to do some high-intensity exercise together.

And as we can see, it's laundry day today,

so Billy D's improvised his workout look.

Haven't you, bub? No, I'm not. I always wear these.

I've got my three-quarties on.

I've got my Ben Harper hoodie on.

So please don't lie about me on camera, thank you.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) We've got our little routine that we like to do.

It's a full body workout and it targets all the major muscle groups.

So let's get into it.

So, I've tweaked just ordinary exercise into a couples exercise

by creating a game

where with each rep, you give your partner a compliment.

Great hair. Thank you.

Strong upper body. Thank you. That's two.

Good sense of humour.

"Thank you. Thank you very much." Elvis.

Doesn't care what people think or say.

No, that's not a compliment. Isn't it?

What do they say, pray tell?

Oh... I have no charisma?

I seem like I come from a family that kiss on the lips?

Switch?

Definitely seen some guys wear tights like this.

Oh, totally.

I just never have. (CHUCKLES)

I have.

This is one of our favourites.

What we like to do, and what you can do, is talk about a time

that you were physically challenged as a couple

and how you overcame that.

Like when we did Tough Mudder. (CHUCKLES)

Yes. We are one of the only couples

to have been banned from Tough Mudder for life.

Well, that's because someone insisted on running down that hill,

even though I said it wasn't part of the track,

and then we got lost out there in the park.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) There's a signage problem with Tough Mudder.

No, no. The signage is very clear.

You insisted on running down there

and then we got lost out there for six or seven hours

and regrettably, we hunted and killed a platypus for food.

Yeah. At the end of Tough Mudder, we certainly didn't get a beer.

Instead, we got two little silver blankets for our hypothermia

and a really stern talking to about wildlife.

So, just goes to show you're not right about everything.

(LAUGHS FALSELY) I'm right about those tights.

OK. Storming out. Storming out.

If nothing else, exercise can be a great way

of releasing those frustrations caused by boredom.

That's it from me.

Fuck off, Billy D.

Stick around because when we're back from the break,

Joanie and I will show you

how to turn mundane chores into romantic date nights.

Because there's no reason a simple task, like folding a fitted sheet,

can't be a moment to connect and a bit of loving fun for everyone.

Argh! Ow! Shit.

I didn't... (GROANS)

Sorry. Ow.

So don't go anywhere, because when we're back,

we'll give you some of our favourite handy tips

on how to rekindle the old flame.

And make the most of this cataclysmic, world-altering event.

Melbourne.

It's as empty as your 27th bottle of hand sanitiser.

But it's still full of magic.

What secrets await behind all those closed, locked doors?

So many rooftop bars to point at.

Galleries to stand outside of.

And shows you can literally only dream about.

You never know who you might meet.

MAN: Move on.

Move on!

And when you're finally ready to end it,

board your own private tram.

It doesn't matter where you're going, because wherever you end up,

you'll feel like the city is all yours.

The emptiness can sometimes feel normal.

Oh, you're in Docklands. That explains it.

VOICEOVER: Friday night on Antiques Roadshow,

join our special guest appraisers

from Sky News and the Financial Review

as they train their expert eye on the value of all things old.

Well, I'd say she dates from around 1930, 1940,

which makes her, what, at least 80 years of age?

Which, to my thinking, makes her... not worth very much at all.

Certainly not worth destroying the economy over.

That's a very capitalist edition of Antiques Roadshow,

Friday at 8:00 on ABC.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Welcome back.

When I was first asked to host this lifestyle program,

I just made one condition.

I didn't want that sort of product placement,

sort of magazine tie-in you so often see.

Anyone who's read one of my books - I've done three books altogether -

would know that I'm against that kind of cross-promotion.

Still to come, and I can't wait, are the closing credits.

But first, Ryan Shelton

with a segment we hope might be vaguely interesting

to somebody this week.

(LAUGHS) Thanks, Ray.

I'll see what I can do, mate. (CLICKS TONGUE)

G'day. How are your kitchen cabinets looking at the moment?

A little shabby?

Don't worry. I can relate.

Which is why I asked my identical twin brother and DIY expert Jason

to show us how to bring them back to life

with nothing more... Whoa!

..than a lick of paint.

Over to you, Jase.

Thanks, Ryan.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, just before we hit up the kitchen cabbos down here...

OK, Jase, just remember what we talked about last night, mate.

Relax, mate. Gonna stick to your precious script, alright?

Just give me two seconds to say one little thing, if that's alright.

All good. Just... just making sure. Yeah. Alright. OK.

Well, I just thought because we're talking about paint here,

thought it was a perfect opportunity to give a little shout-out

to my misso, Cheredith.

Chez is a small business owner.

She does this wicked, like, kids' face painting and stuff,

but she's just been hit pretty hard with the coronavirus and stuff,

so... I mean, you've seen it, Ryz. You know.

It's... yeah, brutal. For sure, mate. Tough time.

Yeah, it is. And I just thought it would just mean the world to her

if I just gave her a little plug on air,

so, kids... Oh, um... maybe not right now, Jase.

I'm not sure... Oh, that'd be right.

Chez. Yeah.

Hi. Big-time TV star

doesn't want to support the little guy.

I get it. Not at all. Jase...

No, no, no. Am I beneath you, am I, Ryz?

No... I'm SO sorry I'm not Margot Robbie.

Just to be clear, I'm a huge supporter

of small business owners, especially recently,

which reminded me to call my mate Gaz.

He's the owner/operator of my local store

and I just felt like saying g'day.

G'day, Gaz. It's Shelts. (CHUCKLES)

(ON PHONE) Who's that? Ryan, mate.

Shelton. Oh, yeah. What do you want?

Mate, I'm just ringing to say, uh, can't wait to get back in the shop

and buy all my groceries from you. OK.

Been doing that a fair bit, haven't I? (CHUCKLES)

Alright, I'll let you go, Gaz. See you, mate.

After a cheeky catch-up with an old mate...

What a character.

..it was back to Jase and the amazingly talented Cheredith.

(SOBS) You never support me, Ryan!

Whoa, whoa. That is not true, Cheredith.

It is! Oh, come on, Chez.

That's a little bit unfair. Ryz is very supportive of you.

Always has been. Bullshit!

He never has. S-sorry, Chez. Jase, what was that?

Can you say that again? No, no, no.

I was just saying that, you know,

I reckon you've always been very supportive of Chez

and we're very appreciative of that, you know?

Yes! Thank you.

And I reckon you'd probably be willing

to do anything in your power right now

to support her in what is a very difficult time.

Uh... Really?

Yeah...

In my opinion, there's nothing more important than family,

which is why I realised that painting the kitchen cabinets

could probably wait.

Hey, Ryzzla! What's up, Jase?

Are you on your way to tell everyone to hire Cheredith Shelton

for their next kids' birthday party?

Absolutely, Jase. Why do you ask?

Well, I'd hurry up if I were you. It's getting dark.

Yeah, you're right.

I should probably get...

..moooooving.

(LAUGHS)

You know, in times like this, there's nothing more important

than the support of our loved ones.

Looks so realistic, Ryzzla! (LAUGHS)

The Colosseum. Blokes of Australia, g'day.

Has this bloody grub of a coronavirus got you down?

Has the thought of no footy on the air or at the stadiums

pushed you to the brink of collapse?

Has your footy show been taken off the air

because of one innocent funny gag

by the fucking PC police?

Well, Big Hewy's got the solution.

Bring the MCG to you!

Re-create gate 7 entry.

Come on, darling. It's just a barcode.

Not that hard.

Here we go. Footy time!

Fuck.

Don't be afraid to let the dribbler who's sitting in your favourite spot

cop an absolute earful.

Uh, excuse me, mate. Yeah, you.

You're in my bloody seat, mate.

I think I'd know my own seat, mate!

I've been sitting here for 20 fuckin' years!

Get out of the way.

Unbelievable.

Crank the oven on a couple of Four'N Twenties.

You want them coming in hotter

than Dusty Martin after a five-day Mad Monday.

Make it authentic - for every pie you eat,

chuck $20 in the bin!

(SIGHS)

Oh, sit down, you absolute lemon!

Down in the front! Can you believe this? You idiot?

Get out of the way! Oh, you're pathetic!

Be sure to simulate an argument with your tight-arse mate

who never shouts a round.

Sticksy, mate, it's your round next.

Oh, don't tell us that, that you got a round last week. That's crap.

You are a grub, mate.

You are a grub!

Let's go, Hawkies!

Come on, boys.

Now with these simple handy steps, turn there into out there!

Hey, darling. It's Dad.

Wanna come to the MCG at home? Fuck off, Dad.

I'm staying at the beach house with Jason.

Well, that's that from me.

Be sure to check out

the Footy Record isolation edition

in the Home Alone Together magazine.

Cheers!

Coming up after the break,

I'm going to show you how to reignite that long lost spark

you once had with your husband,

whose stupid, vapid, vacant face you've been staring at

for 24 hours a day, seven goddamn days a week.

Father Bob here. The churches might be closed,

but that doesn't mean our hearts have to be.

That's why I've opened up the Father Bob Zoom Confessional Booth -

your one-stop forgiveness shop.

Just listen to these satisfied sinners who've opened up their souls.

Forgive me, Father.

Last night I watched a program on the ABC and I quite enjoyed it.

Please don't tell the guys at The Australian.

Well, I recently embarrassed my daughter at an egg and spoon race

when I competed wearing my full bodysuit.

Forgive me, Bob.

I once slipped Viagra into Barnaby Joyce's coffee.

And remember - what you say in the confessional

stays in the confessional.

Except for the bits that I use in these ads.

So log on today for your online absolution.

Where even someone like Joe Hildebrand can be forgiven.

The Father Bob Zoom Confessional Booth.

Because you can shut down our lives, but you can't shut down salvation.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

You know, right now, a lot of Australians are doing it tough,

but the best of us...

Ah! What's that doing there?

The best of us know that you can't take this pandemic lying down.

Unless, of course, you've got the virus,

then it's probably smart to lie down.

But each week I'm going to be saluting some special Aussies,

those who, a bit like Josh Frydenberg's cough,

keep on keeping on.

We call them Ray's Heroes.

My name's Cameron Phillips...

..and I'm an essential worker.

Cameron Phillips works as a butcher in a supermarket

and has been on the front lines of this entire pandemic.

When this all kicked off, there was absolutely chaos at the shops.

People were panicking. The shelves were empty.

I felt like I was... like I was finally given a green light

to just be rude to customers.

It was sick.

I could say whatever I wanted.

What are they gonna do? Who are you gonna complain to?

I'm essential.

And people need me.

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

How do you feel about living with an essential worker?

It's a bit of a punish.

I mean, I understand it's an important job

and everyone needs to eat. Um...

This guy is delusional.

He keeps saying things like...

If you think about it, this is kind of my Gallipoli.

I caught him in his room listening to the Last Post.

I've seen him practise his handshake in the mirror.

Cameron Phillips, essential worker.

Cameron Phillips, essential worker.

(HUMS LAST POST)

What a tune.

It's getting out of control.

The other morning I come into the kitchen

and he's just yelling at the sauces.

Sir. Sir, there's a line.

There's... Yeah. It's a pandemic.

No, we don't have any spatchcock!

Where am I getting spatchcock from?

He's going insane.

Alright, everyone, everyone, everyone - shut the fuck up.

Have some respect.

I'm the sausage man.

Now look what I have to deal with. Back of the line. Back of the line.

Back of the line.

You know, I might be essential, but I don't have all the answers.

I don't know how long this thing is gonna go on for.

My dad doesn't even know.

I promise you this -

I'll be on the front lines as long as they need me.

I just want this to be over.

This might get me a beer with Gorden Tallis.

Big Raging Bull fan.

It very well might, Cameron.

Gordie, if you're watching, can you give a bloke a chance?

Cameron Phillips, my front line worker hero of the week.

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

Well, that's all you've got time for tonight.

But a big thank you for all the cards and letters,

most of which had to be destroyed because the postie tested positive.

But we did save this one

from a devoted fan

who hand-delivered it to me.

I'm sorry, Alan, the answer's still no.

Goodnight.