Original subtitles

♪ At home, alone ♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ We'll always be together at home

♪ Alone, together forever ♪ Ever

♪ Forever

♪ When life has lost all meaning ♪ Shoop, dooby doo-doo

♪ The kids are screaming, the rent is due

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Hello, I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together, a new lifestyle show

in a world in which life and style are sadly missing.

At times like these, Australians like to turn to someone they can trust,

a reassuring face, a safe pair of hands.

Kochie wasn't available so you got me.

Each week, the team and I will share some handy hints

on how you can best survive these difficult times.

Tonight - Craig Reucassel on how to minimise our household waste.

Deborah Mailman gives us a taste of The Bard.

And money guru Helen Bidou on turning our boredom into billions.

♪ Corona

♪ Stay out of my home-a! ♪

Now, we all know that we're not allowed

social or physical contact right now,

but that doesn't mean we have to abandon our love-lives.

Sorry, I don't want to paint a picture

of Ray Martin having a love-life.

This is purely for research, I promise, but...

..we have our own Love Doctor on stand-by.

She's here with some practical tips

on how to find love in this time of corona.

We all know that the lockdown has been playing havoc on our love-lives.

Just here, I have an email from Jordan who says:

Role play can seem really daunting at first

but what better time to experiment than in lockdown?

Now I'm very lucky to be locked up with my hubby... ♪ Billy D! ♪

Hi, I'm Billy D.

Um, I'm 32.

I come from a broken home...

Yeah, that's good, Billy.

Now, Billy is a perfect example

of someone who can be a little bit funny about certain things.

So today, I'm gonna show you how to approach a role play

with tact and understanding.

Hey, Billy D, do you wanna have some fun tonight?

Yeah. Yeah?

Have you ever wanted to, like, act out a fantasy?

Actually, yeah. Um... To get the ball rolling,

try suggesting one of your own.

I always had this dirty idea where... (CLEARS THROAT) Harry Potter...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I was thinking we could do a Harry Potter thing,

where you're Hermione and I'm Ron and we... we do it.

Um, yeah. Cool. You don't wanna be Harry?

Oh... (SCOFFS) No.

No, I'm not... I'm not a Harry at all. I'm a Ron.

You can be a Harry. No, with my colouring and...

..and my personality, I am undoubtedly a Ron.

Make them feel comfortable.

Asking questions is healthy

and it can be sexy too. Watch.

Billy D, why don't you show me that thick, hard wand?

OK. Um, it's elderwood and it has a phoenix feather in it.

So... Why don't you spank me with it?

No. That's not... She wouldn't... I mean...

That's not really in character of how we've grown to know Hermione

over the book series and the movies.

Well, hey, why don't you lead?

OK. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hermione!

'Tis I, Ronald Weasley, your platonic friend.

What are you doing in the library quite so late?

Are you hiding from Filch, perchance?

I hear he's on the warpath tonight.

No, I was in here reading a book

about how to have sex 24/7 365...

Perhaps it was... a spell book instead that you were reading?

Y-y... And that's more in character.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Do you hear footsteps?

Yes.

Maybe it's a... another wizard girl from another house

and she wants to suck your dick and I lick my...

No, no. It's... it's definitely Professor Quirrell.

Quick! Down this hallway towards the Chamber of Secrets.

They'll never suspect us down there. Run!

Oh, God, you know one of my secrets?

O... K, yes.

I'd love to give Dobby a little gobby.

No, no. Oh, yes, I'd love to be moaning

like Myrtle. No!

I want to have magical missionary in Hagrid's hut.

Why would they have sex in Hagrid's hut?

He's their friend. They respect him.

I mean, did you even read the books?

As you can see, it's not always easy,

but as long as you and your partner are open

to discussing what is and isn't working for you,

then everything is healthy and aboveboard.

We could use this broom.

I don't wanna do that.

Me neither.

In this crazy chaos world, self-care is actually so important.

But because there's a pandemic, al the beauty houses are closed,

so you can't get to your favourite sauna.

Not to be worried because today I'm going to show you

how to create a sauna vibe in your very own bathroom.

In Denmark, everyone has saunas in the houses,

even the hjemlos.

But in Australia, this is not the case.

So you have to get more creative.

What makes a sauna?

There's not much to it, to be honest.

It's just a really hot room with wooden benches,

steam and a real red vibe.

First of all, you want to gather all the heaters in your house

and turns them up to full blast to get that super hot vibe.

It's actually really important for your health

to sweat out all the negative vibes.

And get naked with strangers.

Secondly, grab all those planks of wood that you have been hoarding

under your house.

Remember when you grabbed it,

'cause you thought you could make a little side table

or maybe even oar for canoe.

But then you realised you have no tools

and actually woodwork is so difficult.

Now you should have enough to cover all the cold mean tiles

in the bathroom.

Just plonk it down on two stools and there, you have a bench.

So simple.

So ergonomic.

Cellophane is a great way to get a colour in a room.

And so easy to change when you're in a different mood.

Sauna is always red vibe because red is a hot, hot colour.

Then you want to turn on

just the hot tap in your shower and your sink

to get the moody steam effect.

Don't worry about running out of water.

The world has so much of it, actually.

I put the little rockies in the sink

because for some reason, all saunas have this.

Don't forget to cover up all the little cracks

to keep hot-boxing the room.

Now it's time just to sit back and enjoy.

I'm absolutely loving this.

Maybe you invite some friends around so that...

OK, my eyes are hurting.

Let's look at where it scores on the vibe rater.

Mm, that's hygge.

This vibe rating has got me so excited.

For that extra sauna vibe,

invite your neighbour around

and sit there and enjoy the awkward silence together.

(SCREAMS)

Coming up next, I'm gonna show you how to deliberately break something

so you can spend all day outside, pretending to fix it.

Away from all that. (SCREAMING)

There you can contemplate the absurdity of existence

and why you spend yours trapped in this nightmarish hellhole

of household responsibility.

VOICEOVER: Introducing Bleach. (UPBEAT MUSIC)

It brightens, it whitens.

That is literally all it does. (MUSIC STOPS)

Repeat... It brightens, it whitens. (UPBEAT MUSIC)

And quite emphatically does stuff-all else.

Contrary to what you may have heard elsewhere,

this amazing cleaning product:

And most definitely, will not make your wife love you.

We understand why a white supremacist president might think

a whitening agent is a solution to all of life's problems,

but we cannot emphasise this enough -

it really isn't.

Bleach! Recommended by zero health professionals.

ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night, join Craig Reucassel

for a special isolation edition of the War On Waste.

If you've been enjoying a tipple during lockdown,

remember to put your bottles and cans into your recycling bin.

Or if that's full, you can just store them in your landfill bin.

Or your... paper bin.

Well, it has been five days.

Practical tips on reducing your waste while living in lockdown.

Remember, with all your stuffed-up attempts to make bread,

you can put them in your composter.

Unless it's filled with last week's attempts.

Your local street library is a good plan B.

Or you can try and sneak it onto a Bakers Delight sample tray.

Thank you, sir. Yes.

And how to stay sane while staying green.

A lot of people have been asking me

how do you handle kids that need help home-schooling?

And there's no real correct answer on this one.

Just whichever bin is closest.

Still need help with your maths homework?

That's the War On Waste COVID edition, tomorrow at 08:00

on ABC and iview.

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Oh, sorry. (CHUCKLES)

You caught me pretending to do some manual labour,

but it's no good washing your hands all the time

unless we're prepared to get our hands dirty.

So here's our handyman, Ryan Shelton, because Scott Cam was too expensive.

Hey there! With so much spare time on our hands right now,

there's never been a better time to tackle some of those odd jobs

we've been putting off around the house.

(CHUCKLES)

But if you're anything like me... Whoop!

..you're no handyman.

So luckily, I found someone who is.

It's my identical twin brother, an absolute ripper of a bloke,

Jason Shelton.

And he's kindly agreed to teach all of us some handy tips

on how to make our DIYs that little bit easier.

Over to you, Jase.

OK. Thanks, Ryan.

Hey, Ryan, again.

One more thing before we hear from Jase.

Due to social distancing measures at the time of filming

I'll be operating the camera myself at no extra cost to the production.

A point that will surely be rectified

in future contract negotiations.

Now back to the action.

First of all, I just want to say, Ray Martin,

you are a f-(BEEP)-king legend, mate,

and this is an absolute honour.

Seriously. Ah, Jase, do you wanna...

Nah, nah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, Rizzler over here is begging me to show you

how to bloody hammer a nail into a wall, which is a piece of piss.

And to be honest, pretty f-(BEEP)-king boring television.

OK... So!

Nah, nah, instead... Mm-hm.

I thought, bit of a surprise...

No, Jase. Take this outside...

No. Me and Rizzler will go head-to-head

in a cheeky little hammer throw challenge.

Jason...? What do you reckon of that, Riz?

Well, you did promise that... Oh, God, have a fucking cry, mate.

I'm not having a cry. So sorry I'm gonna make your segment

actually entertaining for once. I'm not crying, mate.

While my brother might be handy on the tools,

he's never been the sharpest tool in the shed.

Which might explain why he was expelled

from eight different schools, am I right? (CHUCKLES)

Unfortunately, I am right

and if it weren't for the financial backing of his family,

who knows where he might have ended up.

I guess he's just got a funny way of saying thanks.

(CHUCKLES) He's regretting putting me on now! Aren't ya?!

Just wanna make sure we teach Australia how to hammer the nail,

like we promised Ray Martin.

Oh, my God, mate, we're gonna hammer your precious nail, mate,

don't worry. Ray's not gonna be disappointed. (LAUGHS)

OK, really? Yes!

If... you can throw a hammer further than me.

That's the deal. Well, I dunno about that, Jase.

I do. And if I throw it further than you, guess what happens.

(LAUGHS) What happens, mate?

I get to show the camera that photo of your dick from when we were 20.

(LAUGHS) No. No, no, no.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad idea to have fun with your DIYs

but what IS a bad idea is blackmail.

Blackmail is illegal, and what's worse, it isn't even funny.

(LAUGHS) Can't believe Ray Martin's gonna see your dick in a sec.

I'm pretty sure they'll have to blur it out anyway, mate.

Annoyingly. No, they won't.

Sorry, Jase, I actually checked and it turns out, they will.

Here we go. For the dick. (LAUGHS)

Oh, good game's a fast one. Come on. Three, two, one.

F-(BEEP)-king watch this!

Oh, shit! It is big! Shit.

(LAUGHS) It's huge!

Oh, Rizzler, you little beauty!

Whoo!

Admittedly, it was a great first effort.

But if I was to be up next, I'd have to trust Jase with the camera.

Sorry in advance.

Oh, good, OK, we're on. Just careful with that, Jase.

It's expensive stuff. (CHUCKLES)

Coming up next on your ABC, Ryan Shelton's dick. (LAUGHS)

Ah, I can hear, mate.

And it's funny, it's really funny stuff,

but... you're bloody putting me off, mate. Alright?

So maybe just give me a little bit of space.

Alright, alright.

And I'll throw this bloody hammer and we'll see how we go.

Now that I can finally concentrate,

hopefully I can win you back the lesson you were promised.

That's what I care about.

Oh, here we go! A lovely little hop. Step.

Oh, he's absolutely crumbed it! Oh, fuck, it slipped out of my hand.

Whoa! He's not happy.

But you know what that means, Australia?

Hang on a sec...

Whoo! Check it out, Ray!

As someone who actually DOES follow through on their promises,

sadly, I'm unable to give you a lesson today.

Instead, I had to get inside and ice that dodgy right shoulder of mine

which was operated on two months ago,

which the doctors said wouldn't fully heal and be 100%

for at least eight months.

Maybe that explains the short throw.

Anyway, we'll see you next week.

Thanks for watching. (CLICKS TONGUE) Bye.

If you're like me and crying a lot more than usual,

I'm gonna show you a way to harness those feelings of hopelessness

in a productive way,

by capturing, converting and distilling your tears

into an alcohol base for some yummy homemade Negronis.

VOICEOVER: We've made some changes to the COVID Safe app

to help keep you even safer at this time.

Once you've downloaded the app to your phone,

we'll now send you an alert

whenever you've come into contact with a conspiracy theory nutcase.

If you've been within 1.5 metres of someone

who thinks the coronavirus is caused by 5G towers,

we'll send you their name, location and Facebook handle

so you can avoid their batshit crazy views in the future.

A special bonus app has been developed for the Byron Bay area

to protect people from nutjob antivaxxers

and Pete Evans.

Download the app from our website now.

Because:

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

We all know that one way to survive this crisis is healthy eating

and... unhealthy drinking.

Let's get real. If hand sanitiser didn't contain as much alcohol,

it wouldn't be as popular.

Now, each week, our resident foodie, Bjorn Stewart,

will be taking on your Quarantine Cooking Challenges.

So let's see what's absolute delights he's got on the menu tonight.

Hey, folks. Bjorn here with another Quarantine Cooking Challenge.

Today's challenge has been sent by Mary in Healesville.

And Mary says:

Well, Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

you're going to be eating your words AND my foraged soup because...

..challenge accepted!

Foraging is a relatively new phenomenon

that was invented as a way of coping with recent food shortages.

Who knew we'd have a reason to thank coronavirus?

Now before all you internet experts jump in and say:

Almost all weeds are edible.

They're fine, they're safe and they're free. So go crazy.

I haven't decided which soup I'm going to make,

so I'm gonna taste a couple of weeds to decide

what flavour profile I'm after.

It's nice, it's got quite a metallic taste to it.

Oh, no, that's blood. Yep.

Ah, fuck!

Argh!

Oh, yes!

This is what I'm talking about.

I don't know what type of weed this is

but it smells like business, so let's give it a go.

Yep, this is the one.

OK, so I've harvested my greens

so I'm gonna go to the kitchen and crack on with my soup.

OK, tho we're gonna uthe thome chopped onionth, potathoes,

garlic and thome garlic and thtock.

Excusth me. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHOKES)

Wow, thmellth like frethly cut grassth.

Delithioth!

Finely dithe... (COUGHS)

Finely dithe... (COUGHS)

(GAGS)

(BABBLES)

AS VOICEOVER: And put them in a pot with a bit of oil.

Sweat your onions and garlic before adding the potatoes.

Once you see the potatoes soften slightly, add your edible weeds.

(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

Stir everything together before adding your stock.

T-time to p-p-plate up. (GROANS)

This is a great pick-me-up soup,

perfect for these difficult times in lockdown.

I could do with a bit of a pick-me-up,

so I'm going to tuck in right away.

Mmmmm!

Edible weed soup.

Zuck on that, Mary from Healzville.

In your fathe!

(RETCHES)

Back to you, Ray Martin.

Coming up - what do you do when you wanna wash your hands

but you're not near a sink or a basin?

Well, in-built soapy pockets.

In go the hands.

Splashy, splashy, splashy.

Out they come, good as gold.

I'll show you how to build them into your entire wardrobe.

So you know that you'll always be germ-free.

(WHISTLES)

Dammit! I could have used the sink!

VOICEOVER: South Aussies have done their bit

to stay at home and make Adelaide the safest city in the world.

So why not take a trip to the City of Car Parks

because South Australia is back in business.

The gloves are off and the historic Adelaide Wet Market

is open for trade.

So swap out that face mask for a shopping bag,

because the only thing you'll catch here is a great bloody bargain.

They've got toast.

All varieties!

Emu heads, $6.90 a kilo.

Bags of bags.

And of course, spaghetti with sprinkles,

the South Aussie classic.

So come on down, Aussie shoppers, and grab yourself a great deal,

because South Australia is back in business!

♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪

Welcome back.

Well, while some people see just doom and gloom,

others see their next million dollars.

Have to admit that I've made a small fortune in recent weeks,

selling bleach door-to-door after a hot tip from President Trump.

But I'm not the only one with money smarts around here.

Who better than Helen Bidou, our finance expert,

to show us that coronavirus is not just a pandemic,

it's also a perfect opportunity.

Hi! I'm Helen Bidou.

And I'm on this new television program on 9Life.

Let's go!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS) (HUMS)

You know what continues to be important in a pandemic?

Money. Branding.

Increasing your online presence.

Business ideas.

I've gotta get out of this apartment!

During difficult periods like this, it's not only influencers like me

that can increase their online presence.

You can too.

♪ The show must go on. ♪

One of the best ways you can do this is to get a song out ASAP

and start rebranding as a singer/songwriter.

All you need is a simple computer...

..a microphone...

..a sense of adventure

and your very own little sound engineer.

Mum, I've been here for hours!

Hurry up.

First of all, you just lay down some lyrics.

♪ Corona

♪ Stay out of my home-a. ♪

Add in some instruments.

(STRUMS CHORDS)

Mum! Put down your leg!

(BEATS)

(SILENCE)

And if other celebrities aren't available for collabs,

you can even do your own harmonies.

♪ Corona, corona

♪ Rona. ♪

It's not coming through, Connor!

You waste of space!

(SOBS) You're the reason my musical career's never taken off!

I'm out.

(WAILS)

♪ Corona!

♪ Corona! ♪

But at the end of the day, you'll end up with a song that brings people

a lot of joy and comfort during this dark, dark time.

And don't forget to make a video.

♪ Even during corona, I glam up every day

♪ I put on my hair and make-up and heels anyway

♪ 'Cause I'm Helen Bidou

♪ And looking at my face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou ♪ Yeah, eah, eah

♪ And this face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou ♪ I'm Helen

♪ Helen ♪ And my face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou ♪ No, I'm Helen

♪ This face might heal you ♪ I'm Helen Bidou

♪ I'm Helen Bidou

♪ Looking at my face might heal you ♪ Helen

♪ I'm Helen Bidou ♪ This face

♪ This face might heal you ♪ This face, this face

♪ I'm Helen Bidou ♪ This face

♪ This face ♪ Looking at my face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou ♪ This face

♪ This face ♪ Helen. ♪

Helen Bidou there, reminding us of the importance of the performing arts

in these tricky times.

Of course, the magic of live theatre is something we've just had to learn

to live without.

Pretty easy, as it happens.

Tonight, though, we thought we'd bring you a taste

of what you've been missing and coming to us live

is one of Australia's stars of stage and screen, Miss Deborah Mailman.

Deb, thanks for joining us on At Home Alone Together.

Hey, Ray, it's nice to be with you.

Now, I really do believe, Deb, that now, perhaps more than ever,

we, as a country, need our artists.

Yeah, no, I think that's true.

Even more than doctors? (CHUCKLES) That seems a bit excessive.

But never... No, no, I didn't...

Alright, so what are you gonna perform for us tonight?

I am performing the opening scene to Henry V, part I.

Alright, well, for those of you at home, close your eyes now,

imagine you're sitting in the stalls or the dress circle

of your favourite theatre

as the house lights dim and the curtain rises.

Take it away, Miss Mailman.

O, for a muse of fire

that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention.

A kingdom for a stage, princes to act.

BOY: Mum!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Princes to act and monarchs to behold the swelling scene.

Mum! Where are the scissors?!

Then should the warlike Harry, like himself, assume the port of Mars...

MUM!

And at his heels, leashed in like hounds,

should famine, sword and fire...

MUM! I am so sorry, Ray.

It's in the top drawer! I'm busy!

I'm so sorry.

Please, we're all adjusting, Deb. It's wonderful so far.

Just pick up where you like.

And monarchs to behold the swelling scene.

Then should the warlike Harry, like himself, assume the port of Mars...

I dunno. I dunno. Actually, pasta? What about pasta?

It's always good. And...

Just hang on while I do this. ..at his heels...

I can come out and boil some water or do something in a minute.

..leashed in like hounds,

should famine, sword and fire,

crouch for employment. Actually, you know what?

How about soup? Let's have some soup? That'd be good.

Ah... Ray? Yep?

I-I don't think you're muted. Oh, really?

Oh, hang on. Yeah.

My apologies. Sorry. Sorry.

As you were.

But pardon, gentles all... That's better.

The flat unraised spirits that have dared...

Actually, I think I might... Can I get an Uber?

Still not muted, Ray.

Oh, shit, sorry. Mum, they're not there.

Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm trying to do Shakespeare here!

Why do you need them frigging scissors for anyway?!

I'm giving Sam a haircut.

Oh, fucking shit, no!

"Oh, f-(BEEP)-king shit, no."

Brilliant words, as true as when the Bard first wrote them.

So that's pretty much it from us for this week.

Join us again next week for some more top tips.

At least 60% - maybe - have been approved by health professionals.

Until then, stay strong, stay safe, and most important of all,

stay soapy. Goodnight.