All language subtitles for At.Home.Alone.Together.S01E01.WEBRip.iview.en

♪ At home, alone
♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ We'll always be together at home

♪ Alone, together forever
♪ Ever

♪ Forever

♪ When life has lost all meaning
♪ Shoop, dooby doo-doo

♪ The kids are screaming,
the rent is due

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

Hello, I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together,
a new lifestyle show

in a world in which life and style
are sadly missing.

At times like these, Australians like
to turn to someone they can trust,

a reassuring face,
a safe pair of hands.

Kochie wasn't available
so you got me.

Each week, the team and I
will share some handy hints

on how you can best survive
these difficult times.

Tonight - Craig Reucassel on
how to minimise our household waste.

Deborah Mailman gives us
a taste of The Bard.

And money guru Helen Bidou
on turning our boredom into billions.

♪ Corona

♪ Stay out of my home-a! ♪

Now, we all know
that we're not allowed

social or physical contact right now,

but that doesn't mean we have
to abandon our love-lives.

Sorry, I don't want
to paint a picture

of Ray Martin having a love-life.

This is purely for research,
I promise, but...

..we have our own Love Doctor
on stand-by.

She's here with some practical tips

on how to find love
in this time of corona.

We all know that the lockdown has
been playing havoc on our love-lives.

Just here, I have an email
from Jordan who says:

Role play can seem really daunting
at first

but what better time to experiment
than in lockdown?

Now I'm very lucky to be locked
up with my hubby... ♪ Billy D! ♪

Hi, I'm Billy D.

Um, I'm 32.

I come from a broken home...

Yeah, that's good, Billy.

Now, Billy is a perfect example

of someone who can be a little bit
funny about certain things.

So today, I'm gonna show you
how to approach a role play

with tact and understanding.

Hey, Billy D, do you wanna
have some fun tonight?

Yeah.
Yeah?

Have you ever wanted to, like,
act out a fantasy?

Actually, yeah. Um...
To get the ball rolling,

try suggesting one of your own.

I always had this dirty idea where...
(CLEARS THROAT) Harry Potter...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I was thinking we could do
a Harry Potter thing,

where you're Hermione and I'm Ron
and we... we do it.

Um, yeah. Cool.
You don't wanna be Harry?

Oh... (SCOFFS) No.

No, I'm not... I'm not a Harry
at all. I'm a Ron.

You can be a Harry.
No, with my colouring and...

..and my personality,
I am undoubtedly a Ron.

Make them feel comfortable.

Asking questions is healthy

and it can be sexy too. Watch.

Billy D, why don't you show me
that thick, hard wand?

OK. Um, it's elderwood
and it has a phoenix feather in it.

So...
Why don't you spank me with it?

No. That's not... She wouldn't...
I mean...

That's not really in character of
how we've grown to know Hermione

over the book series and the movies.

Well, hey, why don't you lead?

OK. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hermione!

'Tis I, Ronald Weasley,
your platonic friend.

What are you doing in the library
quite so late?

Are you hiding from Filch,
perchance?

I hear he's on the warpath tonight.

No, I was in here reading a book

about how to have sex 24/7 365...

Perhaps it was... a spell book
instead that you were reading?

Y-y...
And that's more in character.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Do you hear footsteps?

Yes.

Maybe it's a... another wizard girl
from another house

and she wants to suck your dick
and I lick my...

No, no. It's... it's definitely
Professor Quirrell.

Quick! Down this hallway towards
the Chamber of Secrets.

They'll never suspect us down there.
Run!

Oh, God, you know one of my secrets?

O... K, yes.

I'd love to give Dobby
a little gobby.

No, no.
Oh, yes, I'd love to be moaning

like Myrtle.
No!

I want to have magical missionary
in Hagrid's hut.

Why would they have sex
in Hagrid's hut?

He's their friend. They respect him.

I mean, did you even read the books?

As you can see, it's not always easy,

but as long as you and your partner
are open

to discussing what is and isn't
working for you,

then everything is healthy
and aboveboard.

We could use this broom.

I don't wanna do that.

Me neither.

In this crazy chaos world,
self-care is actually so important.

But because there's a pandemic,
al the beauty houses are closed,

so you can't get
to your favourite sauna.

Not to be worried because today
I'm going to show you

how to create a sauna vibe
in your very own bathroom.

In Denmark, everyone has saunas
in the houses,

even the hjemlos.

But in Australia,
this is not the case.

So you have to get more creative.

What makes a sauna?

There's not much to it,
to be honest.

It's just a really hot room
with wooden benches,

steam and a real red vibe.

First of all, you want to gather
all the heaters in your house

and turns them up to full blast
to get that super hot vibe.

It's actually really important
for your health

to sweat out all the negative vibes.

And get naked with strangers.

Secondly, grab all those planks
of wood that you have been hoarding

under your house.

Remember when you grabbed it,

'cause you thought you could make
a little side table

or maybe even oar for canoe.

But then you realised
you have no tools

and actually woodwork
is so difficult.

Now you should have enough to cover
all the cold mean tiles

in the bathroom.

Just plonk it down on two stools
and there, you have a bench.

So simple.

So ergonomic.

Cellophane is a great way
to get a colour in a room.

And so easy to change
when you're in a different mood.

Sauna is always red vibe
because red is a hot, hot colour.

Then you want to turn on

just the hot tap in your shower
and your sink

to get the moody steam effect.

Don't worry about running out
of water.

The world has so much of it,
actually.

I put the little rockies in the sink

because for some reason,
all saunas have this.

Don't forget to cover up all
the little cracks

to keep hot-boxing the room.

Now it's time just to sit
back and enjoy.

I'm absolutely loving this.

Maybe you invite some friends around
so that...

OK, my eyes are hurting.

Let's look at where it scores
on the vibe rater.

Mm, that's hygge.

This vibe rating has got me
so excited.

For that extra sauna vibe,

invite your neighbour around

and sit there and enjoy
the awkward silence together.

(SCREAMS)

Coming up next, I'm gonna show you
how to deliberately break something

so you can spend all day outside,
pretending to fix it.

Away from all that.
(SCREAMING)

There you can contemplate
the absurdity of existence

and why you spend yours trapped
in this nightmarish hellhole

of household responsibility.

VOICEOVER: Introducing Bleach.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

It brightens, it whitens.

That is literally all it does.
(MUSIC STOPS)

Repeat... It brightens, it whitens.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

And quite emphatically does
stuff-all else.

Contrary to what you may have heard
elsewhere,

this amazing cleaning product:

And most definitely,
will not make your wife love you.

We understand why a white supremacist
president might think

a whitening agent is a solution
to all of life's problems,

but we cannot emphasise this enough -

it really isn't.

Bleach! Recommended by
zero health professionals.

ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night,
join Craig Reucassel

for a special isolation edition
of the War On Waste.

If you've been enjoying a tipple
during lockdown,

remember to put your bottles and cans
into your recycling bin.

Or if that's full, you can just
store them in your landfill bin.

Or your... paper bin.

Well, it has been five days.

Practical tips on reducing
your waste while living in lockdown.

Remember, with all your stuffed-up
attempts to make bread,

you can put them in your composter.

Unless it's filled
with last week's attempts.

Your local street library
is a good plan B.

Or you can try and sneak it onto
a Bakers Delight sample tray.

Thank you, sir. Yes.

And how to stay sane
while staying green.

A lot of people have been asking me

how do you handle kids that need
help home-schooling?

And there's no real correct answer
on this one.

Just whichever bin is closest.

Still need help
with your maths homework?

That's the War On Waste
COVID edition, tomorrow at 08:00

on ABC and iview.

♪ At least I'm home alone together
with you. ♪

Oh, sorry. (CHUCKLES)

You caught me pretending to do
some manual labour,

but it's no good washing your hands
all the time

unless we're prepared
to get our hands dirty.

So here's our handyman, Ryan Shelton,
because Scott Cam was too expensive.

Hey there! With so much spare time
on our hands right now,

there's never been a better time
to tackle some of those odd jobs

we've been putting off
around the house.

(CHUCKLES)

But if you're anything like me...
Whoop!

..you're no handyman.

So luckily, I found someone who is.

It's my identical twin brother,
an absolute ripper of a bloke,

Jason Shelton.

And he's kindly agreed to teach
all of us some handy tips

on how to make our DIYs
that little bit easier.

Over to you, Jase.

OK. Thanks, Ryan.

Hey, Ryan, again.

One more thing before we hear
from Jase.

Due to social distancing measures
at the time of filming

I'll be operating the camera myself
at no extra cost to the production.

A point that will surely
be rectified

in future contract negotiations.

Now back to the action.

First of all, I just want to say,
Ray Martin,

you are a f-(BEEP)-king legend,
mate,

and this is an absolute honour.

Seriously.
Ah, Jase, do you wanna...

Nah, nah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, Rizzler over here
is begging me to show you

how to bloody hammer a nail into
a wall, which is a piece of piss.

And to be honest, pretty
f-(BEEP)-king boring television.

OK...
So!

Nah, nah, instead...
Mm-hm.

I thought, bit of a surprise...

No, Jase.
Take this outside...

No.
Me and Rizzler will go head-to-head

in a cheeky little hammer throw
challenge.

Jason...?
What do you reckon of that, Riz?

Well, you did promise that...
Oh, God, have a fucking cry, mate.

I'm not having a cry.
So sorry I'm gonna make your segment

actually entertaining for once.
I'm not crying, mate.

While my brother might be handy
on the tools,

he's never been the sharpest tool
in the shed.

Which might explain why
he was expelled

from eight different schools,
am I right? (CHUCKLES)

Unfortunately, I am right

and if it weren't for the financial
backing of his family,

who knows where he might
have ended up.

I guess he's just got a funny way
of saying thanks.

(CHUCKLES) He's regretting putting
me on now! Aren't ya?!

Just wanna make sure we teach
Australia how to hammer the nail,

like we promised Ray Martin.

Oh, my God, mate, we're gonna
hammer your precious nail, mate,

don't worry. Ray's not gonna be
disappointed. (LAUGHS)

OK, really?
Yes!

If... you can throw a hammer
further than me.

That's the deal.
Well, I dunno about that, Jase.

I do. And if I throw it further
than you, guess what happens.

(LAUGHS) What happens, mate?

I get to show the camera that photo
of your dick from when we were 20.

(LAUGHS)
No. No, no, no.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad
idea to have fun with your DIYs

but what IS a bad idea is blackmail.

Blackmail is illegal, and what's
worse, it isn't even funny.

(LAUGHS) Can't believe Ray Martin's
gonna see your dick in a sec.

I'm pretty sure they'll have to blur
it out anyway, mate.

Annoyingly.
No, they won't.

Sorry, Jase, I actually checked
and it turns out, they will.

Here we go. For the dick.
(LAUGHS)

Oh, good game's a fast one. Come on.
Three, two, one.

F-(BEEP)-king watch this!

Oh, shit! It is big!
Shit.

(LAUGHS) It's huge!

Oh, Rizzler, you little beauty!

Whoo!

Admittedly,
it was a great first effort.

But if I was to be up next, I'd have
to trust Jase with the camera.

Sorry in advance.

Oh, good, OK, we're on.
Just careful with that, Jase.

It's expensive stuff. (CHUCKLES)

Coming up next on your ABC,
Ryan Shelton's dick. (LAUGHS)

Ah, I can hear, mate.

And it's funny,
it's really funny stuff,

but... you're bloody putting me off,
mate. Alright?

So maybe just give me
a little bit of space.

Alright, alright.

And I'll throw this bloody hammer
and we'll see how we go.

Now that I can finally concentrate,

hopefully I can win you back
the lesson you were promised.

That's what I care about.

Oh, here we go! A lovely little hop.
Step.

Oh, he's absolutely crumbed it!
Oh, fuck, it slipped out of my hand.

Whoa! He's not happy.

But you know what that means,
Australia?

Hang on a sec...

Whoo! Check it out, Ray!

As someone who actually DOES follow
through on their promises,

sadly, I'm unable to give you
a lesson today.

Instead, I had to get inside and ice
that dodgy right shoulder of mine

which was operated on two months ago,

which the doctors said
wouldn't fully heal and be 100%

for at least eight months.

Maybe that explains the short throw.

Anyway, we'll see you next week.

Thanks for watching.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Bye.

If you're like me
and crying a lot more than usual,

I'm gonna show you a way to harness
those feelings of hopelessness

in a productive way,

by capturing, converting
and distilling your tears

into an alcohol base
for some yummy homemade Negronis.

VOICEOVER: We've made some changes
to the COVID Safe app

to help keep you even safer
at this time.

Once you've downloaded the app
to your phone,

we'll now send you an alert

whenever you've come into contact
with a conspiracy theory nutcase.

If you've been within 1.5 metres
of someone

who thinks the coronavirus
is caused by 5G towers,

we'll send you their name,
location and Facebook handle

so you can avoid their batshit crazy
views in the future.

A special bonus app has been
developed for the Byron Bay area

to protect people
from nutjob antivaxxers

and Pete Evans.

Download the app from our website
now.

Because:

♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪

We all know that one way to survive
this crisis is healthy eating

and... unhealthy drinking.

Let's get real. If hand sanitiser
didn't contain as much alcohol,

it wouldn't be as popular.

Now, each week, our resident foodie,
Bjorn Stewart,

will be taking on your
Quarantine Cooking Challenges.

So let's see what's absolute delights
he's got on the menu tonight.

Hey, folks. Bjorn here with another
Quarantine Cooking Challenge.

Today's challenge has been sent
by Mary in Healesville.

And Mary says:

Well, Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

you're going to be eating your words
AND my foraged soup because...

..challenge accepted!

Foraging is a relatively
new phenomenon

that was invented as a way of coping
with recent food shortages.

Who knew we'd have a reason
to thank coronavirus?

Now before all you internet experts
jump in and say:

Almost all weeds are edible.

They're fine, they're safe
and they're free. So go crazy.

I haven't decided which soup
I'm going to make,

so I'm gonna taste a couple of weeds
to decide

what flavour profile I'm after.

It's nice, it's got quite
a metallic taste to it.

Oh, no, that's blood. Yep.

Ah, fuck!

Argh!

Oh, yes!

This is what I'm talking about.

I don't know what type of weed
this is

but it smells like business,
so let's give it a go.

Yep, this is the one.

OK, so I've harvested my greens

so I'm gonna go to the kitchen
and crack on with my soup.

OK, tho we're gonna uthe thome
chopped onionth, potathoes,

garlic and thome garlic and thtock.

Excusth me. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHOKES)

Wow, thmellth like
frethly cut grassth.

Delithioth!

Finely dithe... (COUGHS)

Finely dithe... (COUGHS)

(GAGS)

(BABBLES)

AS VOICEOVER: And put them in a pot
with a bit of oil.

Sweat your onions and garlic
before adding the potatoes.

Once you see the potatoes soften
slightly, add your edible weeds.

(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

Stir everything together
before adding your stock.

T-time to p-p-plate up. (GROANS)

This is a great pick-me-up soup,

perfect for these difficult times
in lockdown.

I could do with a bit
of a pick-me-up,

so I'm going to tuck in right away.

Mmmmm!

Edible weed soup.

Zuck on that,
Mary from Healzville.

In your fathe!

(RETCHES)

Back to you, Ray Martin.

Coming up - what do you do
when you wanna wash your hands

but you're not near a sink
or a basin?

Well, in-built soapy pockets.

In go the hands.

Splashy, splashy, splashy.

Out they come, good as gold.

I'll show you how to build them
into your entire wardrobe.

So you know that you'll always
be germ-free.

(WHISTLES)

Dammit! I could have used the sink!

VOICEOVER: South Aussies
have done their bit

to stay at home and make Adelaide
the safest city in the world.

So why not take a trip
to the City of Car Parks

because South Australia
is back in business.

The gloves are off and the historic
Adelaide Wet Market

is open for trade.

So swap out that face mask
for a shopping bag,

because the only thing you'll catch
here is a great bloody bargain.

They've got toast.

All varieties!

Emu heads, $6.90 a kilo.

Bags of bags.

And of course,
spaghetti with sprinkles,

the South Aussie classic.

So come on down, Aussie shoppers,
and grab yourself a great deal,

because South Australia
is back in business!

♪ At least I'm home alone together
with you. ♪

Welcome back.

Well, while some people see
just doom and gloom,

others see
their next million dollars.

Have to admit that I've made
a small fortune in recent weeks,

selling bleach door-to-door
after a hot tip from President Trump.

But I'm not the only one
with money smarts around here.

Who better than Helen Bidou,
our finance expert,

to show us that coronavirus
is not just a pandemic,

it's also a perfect opportunity.

Hi! I'm Helen Bidou.

And I'm on this new television
program on 9Life.

Let's go!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS)
(HUMS)

You know what continues to be
important in a pandemic?

Money. Branding.

Increasing your online presence.

Business ideas.

I've gotta get out of this apartment!

During difficult periods like this,
it's not only influencers like me

that can increase
their online presence.

You can too.

♪ The show must go on. ♪

One of the best ways you can do this
is to get a song out ASAP

and start rebranding
as a singer/songwriter.

All you need is a simple computer...

..a microphone...

..a sense of adventure

and your very own
little sound engineer.

Mum, I've been here for hours!

Hurry up.

First of all,
you just lay down some lyrics.

♪ Corona

♪ Stay out of my home-a. ♪

Add in some instruments.

(STRUMS CHORDS)

Mum! Put down your leg!

(BEATS)

(SILENCE)

And if other celebrities
aren't available for collabs,

you can even do your own harmonies.

♪ Corona, corona

♪ Rona. ♪

It's not coming through, Connor!

You waste of space!

(SOBS) You're the reason my musical
career's never taken off!

I'm out.

(WAILS)

♪ Corona!

♪ Corona! ♪

But at the end of the day, you'll end
up with a song that brings people

a lot of joy and comfort
during this dark, dark time.

And don't forget to make a video.

♪ Even during corona,
I glam up every day

♪ I put on my hair and make-up
and heels anyway

♪ 'Cause I'm Helen Bidou

♪ And looking at my face
might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou
♪ Yeah, eah, eah

♪ And this face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou
♪ I'm Helen

♪ Helen
♪ And my face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou
♪ No, I'm Helen

♪ This face might heal you
♪ I'm Helen Bidou

♪ I'm Helen Bidou

♪ Looking at my face might heal you
♪ Helen

♪ I'm Helen Bidou
♪ This face

♪ This face might heal you
♪ This face, this face

♪ I'm Helen Bidou
♪ This face

♪ This face
♪ Looking at my face might heal you

♪ I'm Helen Bidou
♪ This face

♪ This face
♪ Helen. ♪

Helen Bidou there, reminding us of
the importance of the performing arts

in these tricky times.

Of course, the magic of live theatre
is something we've just had to learn

to live without.

Pretty easy, as it happens.

Tonight, though, we thought
we'd bring you a taste

of what you've been missing
and coming to us live

is one of Australia's stars of stage
and screen, Miss Deborah Mailman.

Deb, thanks for joining us
on At Home Alone Together.

Hey, Ray, it's nice to be with you.

Now, I really do believe, Deb,
that now, perhaps more than ever,

we, as a country, need our artists.

Yeah, no, I think that's true.

Even more than doctors? (CHUCKLES)
That seems a bit excessive.

But never...
No, no, I didn't...

Alright, so what are you gonna
perform for us tonight?

I am performing the opening scene
to Henry V, part I.

Alright, well, for those of you
at home, close your eyes now,

imagine you're sitting
in the stalls or the dress circle

of your favourite theatre

as the house lights dim
and the curtain rises.

Take it away, Miss Mailman.

O, for a muse of fire

that would ascend
the brightest heaven of invention.

A kingdom for a stage,
princes to act.

BOY: Mum!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Princes to act and monarchs
to behold the swelling scene.

Mum! Where are the scissors?!

Then should the warlike Harry, like
himself, assume the port of Mars...

MUM!

And at his heels,
leashed in like hounds,

should famine, sword and fire...

MUM!
I am so sorry, Ray.

It's in the top drawer! I'm busy!

I'm so sorry.

Please, we're all adjusting, Deb.
It's wonderful so far.

Just pick up where you like.

And monarchs to behold
the swelling scene.

Then should the warlike Harry, like
himself, assume the port of Mars...

I dunno. I dunno. Actually, pasta?
What about pasta?

It's always good.
And...

Just hang on while I do this.
..at his heels...

I can come out and boil some water
or do something in a minute.

..leashed in like hounds,

should famine, sword and fire,

crouch for employment.
Actually, you know what?

How about soup? Let's have some soup?
That'd be good.

Ah... Ray?
Yep?

I-I don't think you're muted.
Oh, really?

Oh, hang on.
Yeah.

My apologies. Sorry. Sorry.

As you were.

But pardon, gentles all...
That's better.

The flat unraised spirits
that have dared...

Actually, I think I might...
Can I get an Uber?

Still not muted, Ray.

Oh, shit, sorry.
Mum, they're not there.

Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm trying
to do Shakespeare here!

Why do you need them
frigging scissors for anyway?!

I'm giving Sam a haircut.

Oh, fucking shit, no!

"Oh, f-(BEEP)-king shit, no."

Brilliant words, as true as
when the Bard first wrote them.

So that's pretty much it from us
for this week.

Join us again next week
for some more top tips.

At least 60% - maybe - have been
approved by health professionals.

Until then, stay strong, stay safe,
and most important of all,

stay soapy. Goodnight.