All language subtitles for All at Sea (1957)

Barnacle Bill

LLOYDS

H M S Lutine

Man: Award of Lloyd's Medal
to Captain William Horatio Ambrose,

master of the ship Arabella.

His vessel having suffered serious damage
at night in the English Channel,

Captain Ambrose, by his coolness,
courage, and fine seamanship,

was able to save the lives of all passengers
and crew under his command,

after which, refusing offers of assistance,
he succeeded single-handed

in bringing the wreck
of his vessel safely to land.

Just one more, Captain.

Captain, I'm from "The Daily Mirror. "
- And I'm from "The Daily Telegraph. "

I'm sorry, gentlemen. I've already promised my story
to the "Sandcastle Mercury. "

Watch where you're going, Nelson.
Lost the other eye?

Captain Ambrose?
I'm Peters, "Sandcastle Mercury. "

So, you've managed to shake off the opposition.

First time an Ambrose ever had to dodge a press gang.

Yes.
Well, what are you having, Captain?

- Uh... - Oh, but of course.
Harry, a large rum, please.

That's a trim piece.
Go well in my cabin.

Sorry, sir. Not for sale.

It's yours.
A small token of my admiration.

Oh, no, no. I'd much prefer to- - Oh, you can clap me
in irons, Captain, but I won't take no for an answer.

I'm an old sailor myself and
I can appreciate what you did.

I shall treasure it.
Thank you.

Shall we sit down, Captain?

Ambrose: You'll join me.
- Peters: Oh, thank you.

By the way, your check from the paper.
- Thank you.

I suggest we begin this story
with something about your great family tradition.

The Ambroses have always
gone to sea, haven't they?

Always. As far back as we can trace.

And, in fact, even farther.

Ambrose: From the dawn of time,
we have always moved in nautical circles.

Armada!

Ambrose: All throughout history,
on every great naval occasion,

we have made our presence felt.

Armada!

Ambrose: Another ancestor of mine
sailed with Captain Cook.

He was the first white man to set foot
on the Fiji Islands.

Ambrose: He was much liked by the natives.

Ambrose: Then there was my great-grandfather.
He was one of Nelson's officers

and spent years an der See.

Hi! Main gaff goes up!

Ambrose: My grandfather was captain of a windjammer.

During the great hurricane of the Virgin Isles,
he took the wheel himself.

My father was gunnery officer
aboard HMS Incompatible in 1916.

Down one.

Ambrose: He fell at Jutland.
- Fire!

Hence our family motto,
Omnes per Mare.

I'm afraid my Latin-
-"All at sea. " - Ah.

And, of course, you had a distinguished
naval career yourself, Captain.

"Distinguished"?
I think "distinctive" is the better word.

I can truthfully say I stood out
from every other sailor of my time,

right from the days when I was a cadet at Dartmouth.

There goes Midshipman Queasy

Can't even wait 'til we get out of harbor.

Worst case I've ever known.
I'm afraid there's no future for the boy in the Navy.

With his family record?
We'll have to find him something.

Ambrose: I was posted to HMS Standfast,
the training ship in the Midlands.

But a sailor like me wasn't
cut out to be an instructor.

Then came the war, and I had the honor
of being selected by the Admiralty

to undertake certain secret trials.

During those six years, I had experience
of almost every type of ship in His Majesty's Navy.

Corvettes, destroyers, minesweepers, aircraft carriers,
they were all alike to me.

Turning green, I'm afraid.

We'll double the dose.

Sorry, Captain, gone five bells.
Gotta set you adrift.

That nonsense.
It beats me how you fellows stand for it.

Well, there's not many of us made like you, sir.
More's the pity.

And thanks again.
- My privilege, Captain.

Cheerio.

Where now?

Well, I'm afraid we haven't got a London office.
What about a cup of tea?

Tea?
Follow me.

CITY & COUNTIES BANK LTD

Kindly get me a couple of glasses.

Come along, man. Come along.
Look lively.

I, uh... we don't have glasses here.
- Nonsense.

What do you do when somebody faints?

There, you see?

That'll do for the other.

Thank you.

Where was I?

Oh, your war record.
- Oh, yes.

I was still doing trials for the Admiralty
when the war ended.

I was kept on the strengths
for further experiments until last year.

Then I got my bowler hat.

I must inform you, sir, that these tables
are only for the use of the clients of the bank.

That's all right. I have an account here.
- For the proper conduct of their business.

Oh, very well, very well.

As I was saying, I found myself
on the beach with my bowler hat.

Then one day, I saw that advertisement
in your paper.

For five thousand pounds,
the answer to all my dreams.

One look at her photograph, and I was on the
telephone clinching the deal. There you are.

For the price of my modest savings,
at last, a command of my own.

The Arabella.
- The Arabella? -

The Arabella.

Telscope automatique Harrison
1 penny

Ambrose: Of course, I had little idea then
of the rough waters that lay ahead.

I hadn't the experience I have today
of the battle of life ashore.

Just a simple sailor, in fact.

Excuse me.
- Mummy, there's a man here with all his clothes on.

There's a man hanging round these huts.

A man?

Run along, child.

This is not a right-of-way, you know.
- I'm sorry, I didn't know.

It's purely for the use of people
hiring my bathing house.

May I ask if you wish to hire one?
- Oh, no, no, no.

That's not why I'm here at all.
- I thought not.

It's perfectly obvious why you are here.

You will kindly leave at once.
- Very well, madam.

SOLD

SANDCASTLE PIER

Four, sir?
- Four, please.

One shilling.
Let the two little ones go in together.

That's right, squeeze 'em up, give 'em a bit of
fun. One, two... three, four. Thank you, sir.

What do you fancy for the big race, Tommy?

- One, please.
- Thank you, sir.

Excuse me.
Are you one of the officers here?

If so, I'd like you to break off action.

Are you, uh...
- The new captain. The new owner.

Oh, I didn't expect you so soon.

My name is Figg. I'm in charge here.

I don't wish to find fault as soon as I arrive, Mr. Figg,

but wouldn't a salute be appropriate?
- Salute?

You'd better send us a wire next time.
We'll have you piped aboard.

Where are the master's quarters?
- You could ask the quartermaster.

Perhaps you would be good enough to tell me.
- Well, that's the office along there.

The old shed this side the Crazy Cottage.

I'd like to meet the crew. Will you be good enough to
muster them on the quarterdeck in 10 minutes' time?

It's almost 4:00.
They'll be wantin' their tea.

I shan't keep them long.

Oh, and I'd like you to include the man on the gate,
if you can arrange a relief for him.

- Is that all?
- For the present. Carry on, Number One.

Attractions de la semaine:
Artie White and his brinies

And so with the assistance
of my good friend Goldilocks here,

I shall now demonstrate that the secret
of the Great Houdini lives on.

That's a lovely head of skin you've got there, sir.

Of course, he's a very
good-looking fella, this, you know.

The poor girl's Yul Brynner.

There's no call for personal remarks.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Of course, he ain't really bald, we know that.
He's just got a tall face. A tall face.

And you won't get out of that in a hurry.
- Get out of what?

This?

Now, come back, sir. Don't
get naughty. Keep your hair on.

Sir, on behalf of the pier company,
I would like to apologize-

Hello, hello, hello. What's this, another
volunteer?

Gangway for a naval officer there.
Step right up here, Admiral.

Man: Go on, Jack. Have a go.
Come on, be a sport. That's it.

Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen.

Howdy, Admiral.
And how did you leave the wives?

Still in ignorance, I hope?
Aha, now, then.

I want you to take this cord
and tie up me ankles and hands, got it?

Now, tight as you like. Don't mind me.

Oh, he knows what he's up to, this one.

Proper ropey type, eh?
That's it. Now me hands.

Ooh, look at them medal ribbons.

'Course, he should've had the Croix de Guerre, too, you know.

But with a face like his, they couldn't find
a French admiral to kiss him.

Right, now this time I'm
gonna make it hard for meself,

as the bloke said when he
fell into the cement mixer.

That's it. I want you to pop me into
this sack and tie up me top knot.

Right.

Night-night, all.

Oh, innit dark in here?
- Anybody got a candle?

Now, you done, Admiral?
- All fast. - Eh?

Finished.
- Oh, ta, muchly.

Well, give my love to the wives
and all the little barnacles.

Music, maestro, please.

The men are waiting outside, sir.
- Very good.

That's my candy floss.

Is that how they do it in the Navy, sir?

I take it you were never
in the service, Mr. Figg.

I never wanted to be.
I've spent all my life in a dredger,

and if you're going to run this pier like a battleship,
I should be sorry I ever left it.

Well, I am going to run her like a battleship.

All the best piers in this country
are run naval-style,

and under my command,
Sandcastle Pier is going to be no exception.

I shan't be satisfied until everything is-

until everything is pier-shape
and Blackpool fashion.

Now, was any man here in the Royal Navy?
- - Tommy was.

- Who? - Thomas, sir.

- Where is he?
- There he is, sir.

Man: Oi, Tommy!

Oh, so you're Thomas.
- Sir?

- The gate man.

No, sir.
Chief deck chair hand. We take turns on the gate, sir.

You won't be taking
any more turns on the gate, Thomas.

Now, I can see we have a long, hard voyage ahead of us
before we can take a real pride in our pier.

And I don't want to hear any
grumbling once we're underway.

Not from me, you won't. I'm off
back to my dredger. Have a nice trip.

Bring us back a parrot!

Anyone else want to sign off?
Good.

Now, I want this to be a happy pier
because a happy pier is an efficient pier,

and vice versa.

You won't find me-
- Here, Popeye, where's the ladies?

And you'll retain your
present ranks and rates of pay.

That is, with one exception.

Thomas, you're what is known as a fiddler.
- Yes, sir.

Well, at least you're honest.

And as you're the only man here who's served in
Her Majesty's Navy, I'm giving you another chance.

I'm appointing you Chief Officer.
Well?

Uh, thank you, sir.

Carry on. Captain's rounds, Number One.
- Captain's rounds, sir.

You've made a nice start, sir.
Long time since our customers had any fun.

Amusement arcade, sir.

Not much fun to be had in here.

She used to run up and down the pier.
- She shall again.

Where's the chief engineer?
- You've just got rid of him.

Mr. Figg? But he was mate.

He was most things, sir, that'd
give him the chance for a fiddle. I wasn't the only one.

Well, where's the second engineer?
He's due for promotion.

The second engineer's a
kid of 15 with the measles.

Well, somebody's got to mend these machines.
- There's nothing wrong with them, sir.

It was the police had 'em close down.
- The police?

There's an old lady on the council, Mrs. Barrington, she
started creating, said the kids were gambling on them.

Gambling?
"Coin returned for win. "

It surely can't be a gamble if
you just get your money back.

Ah, but when you win, the ball stays in play.

You get another win, and out comes the last fella's penny.

Now, according to the council, that's gambling.

Young Reggie Skinner, the second engineer, he's a marvel.
I've seen him with as much as ninepence on the trot.

Smart boy.

I think we'll have these machines
put back in action, Number One.

That might be a bit dodgy, sir. The council
we've got here, a proper bunch, they are.

This is my pier, Number One, and no little tin-pot
dictator on the council is going to tell me how to run her.

Captain Ambrose? I'm Crowley, chief tin-pot dictator.

Oh, Mr. Crowley, how do you do?
What was that?

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it.
You see, I happen to be mayor of Sandcastle.

It's all right, Captain. Don't apologize.
We all feel that way about people who tell us where to get off.

I heard you'd arrived,
thought I'd come along to wish you well.

Everything in order, I hope?
Quite satisfied? No complaints?

Well, to be quite frank, she is a bit more run-down
than I'd expected.

Very true. I couldn't agree more.

The fact is, since they put me in office, I just haven't
had the time to attend to all my private interests.

It was a question of neglecting
them or the community.

And that's why I decided to sell the pier at what
is really, I venture to think, quite a bargain price.

But, of course, my dear fellow, if you're not satisfied-

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sure she'll suit me very well.
- Well, anything I can do to help at any time-

Well, there is the question of the machines.

Oh, the gambling machines.
I know how you feel.

I did resist the order, but I'm afraid there's
a strong feeling in the council chamber about,

well, turning Sandcastle
into another Monte Carlo.

And, of course, in my position,
one can't press one's own interests too hard.

Well, as I'm not a member of the council,
perhaps I'm in a better position to put up a fight.

Oh, take warning, Captain.
You're heading for trouble there.

Well, I must get along.
I've got a meeting at the planning committee.

Any queries, just give me a tinkle.

Thank you, I will. -

Your luggage has arrived, sir. Where would you
like it taken? Kings Arms or the Georgian Dragon?

Neither. Let it stay aboard.

You're not going to live on the pier, sir?

Do I look the type who'd sleep ashore?

But- but where, sir? There's not enough room
in that office to swing a cat-o'-nine-tails.

We'll have to use some initiative,
won't we, Number One?

Well, there's the aquarium,
sir. We could put you in there.

Aquarium? No, no.

That'd be like waking up in a submarine.

Below there.

Come and bear a hand with my dunnage.

- Morning, sir.
- Morning, Number One.

Struck some foul weather.

It's always like this
in Sandcastle on Sunday.

From what I've seen of the place,
it's always like Sunday in Sandcastle.

Yes, sir.
Except it's no day of rest for the coppers.

They've been here this morning
and took the slot machines away.

Why wasn't I called? Who let 'em aboard?
- It seems they got the keys off Mr. Figg.

I met 'em wheeling the machines out
on that little old cot they keep for the drunks.

Not that we get many drunks in Sandcastle.

I'll beat seven bells out of them for this.

Hello, hello. Are you all right, sir?

I haven't quite found my sea legs yet.

That boy you mentioned, the second engineer.
Is he out of quarantine?

Who, Reggie Skinner?
He'll be back tomorrow.

I need him today. Rouse him out
and meet me at the police station at 0100.

Small profit, perhaps, but you must admit
that money can be won on these machines.

There wouldn't be much
point in them otherwise.

Then what are you arguing about?
That makes them illegal.

No, no, no, no. Pardon me.

Well done, Number One.
So this is our chief engineer.

- Chief engineer?
- If you pass your test.

- Now, look, uh-
- Skinner, sir.

I'm going to put a penny in this machine
and you are to win it back.

What's the idea of all this?
- You'll see, I hope.

Go on, Skinner, win.

Good boy.
- Do it again

You're just proving my
point. It's a gambling device.

Is it? You try.
Come along, now. Fair's fair.

You see? No skill.

Carry on, Chief. Do yourself some good.

Now, let us review
this whole matter again.

No offense is committed under the Gaming Act
if skill predominates over luck. Isn't that right?

Yes.
- Well, you've just seen for yourself. This is a game of skill.

Let's have another go, son.

No, wait. Just your thumb.

That's too far down. Hold it lighter.
That's right. Now, steady, right, go.

I've won.
- Woman: Superintendent Browning.

Oh, good morning, ma'am.

I see you're dealing with the matter of these machines.

I came here this morning because it had been
reported to me that the new owner of the pier- you!

Captain Ambrose, ma'am, has been questioning our legal right
to effect a seizure of these machines.

Really?
I hope you've made the position clear to him.

Well, madam, I have to admit
there are possibly grounds for a test case.

- What?
- Thank you.

That's all I wanted to know.

A gambler and a Peeping Tom.

I dig that crazy jukebox.

Don't be so square, man. That ain't
a juke. That's a fruit machine.

- Doing. -
- Keep your hands off, please.

Look, don't lean on me, Jack.
I'm telling ya. Don't lean on me.

Here, put it down, Dad. Let's have a ball.
- Leave it alone. Go and play somewhere else.

You ain't plugged in, man. This is Sandcastle.
- It's a real square town, Dad.

Square? What on earth are you talking about?
- No playing games on Sundays here. That's what he means.

No Sunday movies, no dancing.
- Strictly no jiving.

Nothing but a nothing. This is Sandcastle.
Dig it now, "Hornblower"?

? Blow that horn, daddy-o?
- Why don't you go and enjoy yourselves on the pier?

The pier?
You seen the pier?

- I own the pier. - You what?
And there's a concert on this afternoon.

A concert?? Come into the garden, Maud!?
- Oh, you send me.

You send me!
- He's way out in cloud seven.

- Choke your lump.
- Kid: What's that you say?

Pipe down and belay all this doing and effort.
You think I was brought up in the last bucket?

If this is the best you can do with your
make and mend, you deserve to be keelhauled.

The concert's in the first dock.
And dig yourselves out of that.

DRESSING ROOM ¹1

M. White!

- Mr. White!
- That you, sir?

Where- where on earth are the Brinies?
- I've been looking for you. They've gone.

- What?
- Packed up and walked out.

It seems old Artie couldn't take
you making a monkey out of him.

Are there many people in the auditorium?
- Not a soul just now, sir.

Well, thank goodness for that.

Go, man, go.
- What's the holdup, Mac?

I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid we have been let down.

You said there was gonna be
a show here this afternoon.

- Live entertainment.
- Ambrose: Yes, I know, but-

There ain't no show?
- If you'll let me explain-

We'll give him a show.

Okay, you cats. Take your seats.
I'll have this one.

Hey! You let them seats alone!
- Wait, Number One.

I think they've got something.

- But, sir, they-
- Those seats should've been broken up long ago.

Come on, no slugging. Get down to it.
- You crazy?

He's nutty as a fruitcake.

You said you had nowhere to dance.
Well, here's your dance hall.

Cor! Good old "Hornblower"!

Anything there of any use?
- Some of it's okay.

Except for what it says.
"Long live King Edward the seventh. "

Dig deeper. You may get up to date.
Long live our glorious Queen.

My rule is 9:00
for the closing of all huts.

And will you please turn that machine off?

Look.

Fred!

Them lights haven't worked
since Armistice night.

Good evening, Superintendent.

- Stop that noise!
- Play on!

I'm sorry, Superintendent.

I cannot allow you to give orders on my pier
until you have established your authority to do so.

Shall we step outside
and discuss the matter?

Won't you bring your men with you?

My crew are quite capable
of maintaining order.

Now I take it I must be committing
some sort of offense.

That's putting it mildly, sir.

To begin with, dancing is not permitted
at any public place and is subject-

Really? How ridiculous.

And furthermore, this pier possesses
no license for dancing in any case.

I will certainly get one. Where do I go for it?
- You'll soon see, Captain.

For permitting music and dancing
in premises not so licensed,

you are fined the maximum
penalty of five pounds.

For the other and more serious offense,

permitting music and dancing in a public
place on a Sunday, you will pay 20 pounds.

- Hmm? -
Oh, just a minute.

I'm reminded you made application
for a music and dancing license.

The application is rejected.

It seems I shall have to
think of something else.

What about a bar?
I suppose I need a license for that, too.

You suppose?
- And I apply for it here, do I?

Captain Ambrose, you haven't got a hope.
Put it right out of your mind, sir.

I don't strike my colors as easily as that.
What is the procedure?

Very well, sir. You've asked for it.

To obtain a license in this country
for the sale of alcoholic beverages-

Just a minute.
Right.

The bar premises having been selected...
Select bar premises.

Notice of the application must be
thereto affixed in a conspicuous position

between 10:00 in the morning and 5:00 in
the afternoon on two consecutive Sundays.

A similar notice must also be affixed
to the door of the parish church.

For a pub?
- Correct, sir.

Notice in writing must also be given
to the clerk at the Rating Authority,

the chief of police, and the
clerk of the licensing justices.

The last two both requiring
also a plan of the premises.

For the granting of any license, it will
be necessary for the court to take notice

of such objections as may be entered
by the licensed victualing trade,

temperance,
and/or religious organizations,

and such private individuals as may
fear disturbance of local amenities.

After which one is at liberty
to sell a glass of beer.

Should the license be granted, further application is
then required to be made to the confirming authority,

and in the event of the
license being confirmed,

an agreement reached with the Customs
and Excise Department on Monopoly Value,

further and final application may then be
made for an excise license to sell liquor.

And then?
- You sell it.

Well, that's all quite
clear and straightforward.

"Select bar premises. "

Well...
this place wouldn't be much of a loss.

Not even to the fish.

Especially when you think of their sex life.
- Poor little perishers.

Run a counter along here...

cut a porthole there.
- Make a right tight little bar.

Well, that's settled. Get it cleared.

Well, what do we do with the fish?
- Put 'em in the drink where they belong.

Here.

Eight bells, sir. Forenoon watch.

Good morning, Number One.
What have you got there?

A little present for you, sir.
I- I made it myself.

Thank you, Number One.

And she's a fine, trim craft.

She shall go in a place of honor.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

Is that yours, sir?
- You flatter me.

It belonged to my great-grandfather.
Admiral Ambrose of the Blue.

Good morning, Mr. Duckworth.
- Sorry, sir. First aid kit wanted.

An accident?
- A man fainted, sir. One of the anglers.

Angler: It's a Japanese balloon fish.

It's fantastic!
They never swim west of Sumatra!

Oi, look at this!

No, it's- it's impossible!

What is it?
- Why, it's a- it's a-

Number One...
I think our pier's gonna set people talking.

Mr. Mayor,
I have never hesitated to express my opinion

that Sandcastle Pier is an eyesore,
a blot on our beautiful town.

And now that it has become the property
of a person who seeks, it appears,

only to subvert the morals
of our young people-

It's all right, madam.
- A person, moreover,

who now has the effrontery
to apply for a license to sell liquor.

Mrs. Barrington,
I can set your mind at rest.

I'm very glad to hear it.
- Now, the planning committee

has been working for some little time
on a scheme for the improvement of our seafront.

And the result of our efforts,
which you have in front of you,

is a plan which is going to mean
the total removal of the pier.

This will be acquired by compulsory purchase,

and its demolition will make room
for the construction of a new marine drive.

I've often thought that was
something we badly lacked.

As you can see, this will consist of a roadway
running along the foot of the cliff

and taking in approximately
100 feet of the foreshore.

A hundred feet? But that will mean
moving my bathing huts forward.

I'm afraid this scheme does not envisage
the retention of your bathing huts.

You want to get rid of my huts?

Well, since we're getting rid of the pier -
- But my huts have been there for over 30 years.

The pier has been there for 65 years.

I hardly think your huts come into
the category of ancient monuments.

Though, naturally, you'll be
offered compensation for them.

And may I inquire what the new owner of the pier
is going to get in the way of compensation?

Hmm? The figure arrived at by
the surveyor is 2,800 pounds.

And may I further inquire, Mr. Mayor,
what you received for the sale of the pier?

That is entirely a private matter.

Very private, I've no doubt.

What you getting at, eh?

Madam, we must not involve ourselves in personal issues. We're here to serve the community, remember?
- Hear, hear.

Gentlemen...
I've sat here longer than any of you

and I can remember the
time when this council had a reputation

for service to the community
of which it was justly proud.

Self-interest was then a thing unknown.

Are you accusing us of self-interest?
- You're a fine one to talk.

All this fuss about those old huts of yours?

Order, please, order. Mrs. Barrington-
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

Under the impact of the blow, perhaps I have
been thinking selfishly of my own interests.

At least I can plead that I'm
not the only offender here.

Let the mayor deny that he's made
a quick profit on the sale of the pier.

And let him deny that his firm will get
the contract for this new marine drive.

And you, Mr. Bullen. Let us hear you declare that you
won't take the pier for scrap when it's demolished.

This is disgraceful. Madam,
your remarks are highly improper.

As a lawyer, I'd better warn you,
they're also gross slander.

Mrs. Barrington, I must demand-
- Save your breath, Mr. Mayor.

I'm no longer having any
part in this conspiracy.

You will kindly accept my
resignation from the council.

CAUTION ROAD UP

Last of the anglers gone ashore, sir.
- With a catch, I hope.

Two, sir.

East Indian triggerfish and a porcupine eel.
- Splendid. All right, darken ship, Number One. - Aye, aye, sir.

Sir!

What is it?
- It's a lady friend of ours.

Flying a distress signal.

I hope I'm not intruding, ma'am.

Please leave me alone, mister- Captain. I'm perfectly all right.
- I don't like to contradict a lady, but you seem to be in distress.

Well, if I am, I can hardly
expect you to understand.

Please go.

Very well, ma'am.
If you're sure there's nothing I can do.

They're going to take my huts away.

Dear me. You shall tell me all about it.

My cabin isn't exactly up
to battlewagon standards,

but I used to make the best coffee in the water.
Come along. Come on.

And, so, to cut a long story short,
I resigned then and there.

Quite right.
A tot of this to jolly it up?

Oh, no. Please, wait. What is it?
- Rum, ma'am.

Oh, no. I never touch alcohol.
- Then this is a good time to start.

It's an occasion for
splicing the main brace.

What?
- Celebration. You've resigned from the council.

Oh, but that doesn't mean-
- Come along, now. Strike it down.

Mm, I think perhaps it
does improve the coffee.

It improves the world, ma'am.
- Nothing can alter the facts.

Oh, yes, it can.

Nobody's going to take
your huts away from you.

But you don't realize the powers
they have. Compulsory purchase...

Mrs. Barrington,
you shall put your huts on my pier.

Captain Ambrose, I've misjudged you.

Forget it, ma'am. Some coffee.
- Most generous. A most generous offer.

I only wish I could accept it.
- Listen, ma'am, there's plenty of deck space,

and there's no reason why we
shouldn't carry a bit more top hamper.

I'm not concerned about her looks.
She's an old hooker and I know it.

Oh, but you don't understand-

To tell you the truth, I only bought her
because I've always wanted a command of my own

and this is the only one
I could ever arise to.

Just an ugly old hooker.

But I wouldn't change
her for any craft afloat.

Here, steady, steady. This won't do.

Captain Ambrose... I don't know how to tell you.
- To tell me what?

I can't put my huts on your pier because...

they're going to take the pier as well.

what did you say?
- They're going to take it over and demolish it.

Demolish my pier?

Oh, they- they'll give you
compensation, of course.

2,800 pounds, they said.

But I paid 5,000 for her.

5,000!
- Every penny I could scrape up.

That crony. That crook.

That horrible swindler.

Why did you do it?
The pier wasn't worth that.

She was worth it to me.

Just an ugly old-
what was it you said?

Hoo- hooker, ma'am.
Just an old tub.

But that's not the point.
I'll tell you something.

You've told me a secret,
I'll tell you a secret.

There is no other sort
of ship can ever suit me

and I'll tell you why.

I get seasick.

Permanently, catastrophically seasick.

You poor sailor.

You understand? This is the only command
I can ever have. I've got to stop them.

But how? The council have got the power.
They can do what they like in this town.

My pier is not in this town.
She belongs to the sea.

It comes under the jurish-
jurisdiction.

Are you sure of that? Quite sure?

Just like the holiday
camp on Starfish Island.

Holiday camp.
- What about it?

My huts. 24 huts.

Two bunks in each.
Holiday camp on the pier.

We can run it together, you and me.

Holiday camp on the pier.
- Wait, not a holiday camp.

A liner. Holiday cruises.

For people like you who are always
seasick. Never been on a cruise.

Hundreds of people like that. Thousands.
- The liner that never rocks, never rolls.

You've spent your savings.
I'll give you my savings.

That's very kind of you.

But it's no good.
A pipe dream.

Partners. We could be partners.
- You've forgotten the council.

Oh, the council.
Going to sink your ship.

Sink my ship.

But they couldn't, could they?
- Couldn't what?

Sink my ship.
If she were a ship. Mrs. Barrington,

listen to me.
- Call me Arabella.

Arabella.

But that's beautiful.
- Ooh, steady, Arabella.

REGISTRAR GENERAL OF SHIPING

Arabella.

Tonnage?
- 2,116.

Is that deadweight?
- It is, indeed.

Class of ship?
- I'm using her as a pleasure craft.

Passenger vessel.
Port of registry.

Sandcastle-on-Sea.

Something wrong?
- No, it's just a little unusual.

A seaside resort.
Type and make of engines.

Oil induction, Loveday and Bone.

Loveday and Bone. Are they making marine engines now?
- They made ours.

I thought they were only
light and power. That's rather interesting.

When and where was your ship built?
- Sandcastle, 1892.

1892? Then she must have
been on the registry for years.

She's never been launched.
- I see.

Length?
- 1,032 feet.

My dear sir, that makes her
longer than the Queen Elizabeth.

She is.

I shall be interested to see the plans
of this remarkable vessel.

Plans?
- Well, surely you brought them with you.

Are they essential?
- Most certainly they're essential.

You can't register a ship in this country
until we've approved her plans.

This isn't Liberama.

Liberama?
- Some of those countries would register a washtub

for the sake of the fees.

Liberama.

OUR GLORIOUS LIBERATOR
FIRST PRESIDENT OF LIBERAMA

1,032 feet?

Let me see, what figure
would that be in meters?

Ambrose: I haven't worked it out.
- Well, no matter. It's a technicality.

But now, Captain...
I have to be a little bit more specific.

International shipping
regulations, you understand.

You carry a radio, of course?
- Of course. And a television set on order.

Really?
Most enterprising.

Lifeboats, fog warning system?
- All in hand.

And radar?
- That's an idea.

And more entertaining than TV. I'll see
what I can do. Thank you for the suggestion.

It's a pleasure.

Well, that is really all I require...
except a little matter of registration fee.

If you please.
- Oh, thank you.

My government will inform Lloyd's in the usual way
about this addition to our Merchant Navy.

When is the launching ceremony?

As soon as we've finished
work on her superstructure.

Barrington: I name this ship Arabella!

Good luck!

Try again!

I name this ship Arabella!

Good luck to all who never sail in her!

Pipe.

Fog warning on a day like this?
Fella must be mad.

He'll be mad, all
right, when he sees this. Come on.

Pipe!

Welcome aboard, ma'am.
- A great day, Captain.

The crew is lined up for your inspection.
- Oh, how sweet of them.

One can't help feeling sorry for the poor
devil, you know. The money this must be costing.

What beats me is where
he gets it all from.

What did he pay Mrs.
Barrington for these huts?

I haven't set eyes on her
since she walked out on us.

So there she is.
- What on earth's she doing here?

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
We were not expecting visitors today, but-

Captain Ambrose, as mayor of this borough,
it's my duty to hand you this.

A civic welcome? How very generous.

"Order for compulsory purchase. " There's
been a mistake. That can't apply here.

I'm afraid it does.
- You read it, Captain Ambrose. You'll soon see.

I really don't think
there's any need, Mr. Mayor.

I know quite well a local authority
has no power to acquire a ship.

Did you say a ship?

The passenger vessel Arabella,
registered under the ensign of Liberama.

You're out of your mind.
- Ambrose: If you wish for confirmation,

here is the latest supplement
to Lloyd's Register.

But you can't do this.
- I have done it.

Would you do us the honor, ma'am, of giving the order?
- With pleasure, Captain.

Splice the main brace!

Come and get it!

Up spirits!

Thank you.

Will you join us, gentlemen?

Well, that seems to be that.
- I hope so, Captain.

Mr. Crowley stands to lose a great
deal by this. More than he can afford.

You must keep your weather eye open.
- It never closes, ma'am.

"Book now for the
maiden voyage of R.M.S.

Arabella.

The ship that never rocks, never rolls. "

I'd rock and roll 'em.
- "No currency restrictions. "

My currency's gonna be restricted, though.

I was counting on that
scrap metal deal. And what about you?

That'll do, Bullen. I want to know
the planning committee's legal rights.

Yes, after all, we have been authorized
to build the marine drive.

And as long as that confounded pier is
standing, we can't even make a start.

Well, I'm afraid we have to accept the fact
that in law, the pier is now a ship.

But at least we can see to it that these cruises
of his are a very uneconomic proposition.

Good morning, gentlemen. Is it possible
you have booked passage with us?

Not today, Ambrose. You might say
we represent the Port Authority.

We have you to thank, Captain,
for making us a seaport.

I'm glad I've been able to please you.
- A splendid new source of income for the town.

Mr. Chailey, what are the
harbor dues for the Arabella?

According to the authorized scale
of harbor dues for English seaports,

a ship of this size, for each day at her berth
is chargeable to the amount of 247 pounds,

18 shillings.

247 pounds?
- A lot of money.

Too much, I think, ma'am, for the
attractions which Sandcastle has to offer.

Refuse to pay and we take you to court.

Mr. Merrick.
- Sir?

Send the ship's carpenter here with an ax.
- Aye, aye, sir.

And run up the Blue Peter.
We sail with this tide.

As officials of the Port Authority,

you realize, of course, that harbor dues are only
payable so long as the ship is lying in her moorings.

I shall require notice of that question.

I thought you might. Are you coming with us,
gentlemen? If not, I must ask you to step ashore.

We are about to cast off.
Chips, sever those planks.

Good-bye!

What do you make of her,
Mr. Duckworth?

It's a dredger, sir,

working on the deep water channel.
She's an old friend.

You know, a skipper.

Who, Figg?
- Figg, sir.

Back on his old job, eh?
She's all yours, Mr. Duckworth.

No, no. The fancy one.
That one over there.

How much is it?
No, the other one.

Take my advice, ma'am.
Don't trust the natives.

"COQUERIE"

One shilling, sir.
- Only a bob for a scotch?

We're at sea now, sir. Duty-free.

Make it a treble.
- Righto, sir.

My sister Agnes. Now, she's just like
a horse. Never been sick in her life.

Only last week, she came
back from a cruise in the Med

and when she told us that she
sat at the captain's table,

I said to my husband, Bertie, I said,

"If you don't get us seats at the
captain's table, I'm going to-"

well, what has happened to Bertie?

First night out,
bound to be a few missing at table.

- Steward?
- Sir?

Bring me a bottle of Taylor
'07 from the port bin.

Port's in the starboard bin, sir.
- Then sweep to starboard.

T for Taylor '07.
- T for Taylor '07, sir.

Key to the door!
- Two, one, 21!

Doctor's orders!
- Number nine!

Unlucky for some.
- One, three, 13.

Somebody in the water out there
under the ship swimming like a fish.

Well, I expect it was a mermaid, sir.
Lots of 'em about at this time of the year.

Legs 11! - Number 11!

Bingo!
I've won!

And though this boat drill is only a rehearsal
for something that won't ever happen,

still, we have to obey
international shipping regulations.

Mrs. Hopkins, you're back to front.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Thomas, check lifeboat's gear.
- Aye, aye, sir.

Right, lower away.

Handsomely, lads. Handsomely.

There's a man down there.

Evie!

Oh, Captain, I've just
been telling my sister

we've got everything she ever had
on any of her cruises.

Not a single thing missing.
- Not even your breakfast.

May I have a word with you, sir?
- Oh, lovely.

CAPTAIN

Come along, now. What were you doing down there?
- Swimming.

But why under the pier?
- Well, why not? It's a free ocean, isn't it?

Now, see here, you.
- Just a minute. What's your name?

Davy Jones.
- All right, throw him back.

Sir, do you reckon it was him that
shook up the poor old major last night?

If it was, he must have
been here for some purpose.

Let's have another go at him.
Too late.

We've learned from this underwater survey

that the pier supports go down
into the sea bed for some 15 feet.

Now, the safety margin,
our surveyor tells me, is 12 feet.

Councilor Figg's dredger.
- Precisely.

Yes, but, Mr. Mayor-
- We have only to dredge away three feet of mud and-

But they'll have us for damages.
Heavy damages.

Oh, come, Mr. Chailey.
We shan't be laying a finger on that.

Mr. Mayor-
- We shall merely be deepening the harbor for this so-called ship

and making certain at the same time
that her first cruise will also be her last.

But- but do we want it to be her last?
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Timmins?

I can't help wondering, Mr. Mayor,
whether we're not making a great mistake

going to all these lengths
to get rid of the pier.

Are you mad?
- I know we agreed to scrap it,

but that was before Captain Ambrose came along.
We didn't anticipate all this publicity.

It has put Sandcastle very
much on the front page.

And what has that done to the town
except turn it into a vulgar joke?

It's attracted a lot of visitors,
and visitors mean money.

Just so, I think Mr. Chailey's quite right.

Whether we like it or not, Sandcastle Pier
is famous today all over the country.

Yes, yes, well, that's what I mean.
- If you don't mind...

if we were to get rid of it now,
I can visualize quite a public outcry.

I thought it was your opinion, Mr. Chailey,
that we badly lacked a marine drive?

But as you pointed out yourself, Mr. Mayor,
that would mean the removal of the pier,

which is something we
might now bitterly regret.

I do personally feel that Mr. Chailey has
come up with a most valuable suggestion.

Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

But to give up now.

Make us more of a
laughingstock than ever.

The next thing we know, you'll
be wanting to subsidize the pier.

Well, I think today it'd be a pretty good investment.
- Hera, hear.

Well, what exactly are you proposing?

I propose that approaches be made
to Captain Ambrose and Mrs. Barrington

with a view to the council participating with them
in the management of the pier.

I second that. - Order,
please. - Vote, vote!

Come on, vote. Vote, please.

We were outvoted and it's all your fault
for not coming to the meeting.

What, before I'd had me bath? You wouldn't have
liked it much if I'd come straight from the dredger.

But your vote would've made all the difference.
- Now you've got to help us.

Well, we can't dredge.
That's certain. They'd hear us.

Yes, of course we can't.
But there's another way.

You can pull it down.

That's a lot to ask.
- Well, there's a lot at stake, and not only for me.

You're all in on the
marine drive contract,

but there won't be a penny for anyone
if that pier remains standing.

We couldn't pull down
more than a bit of it.

But don't you see? If only part of it collapses
for no apparent reason except old age,

it'll be the easiest thing in the world
to get the whole condemned as unsafe.

Well,
you'll have to come and crew for me.

Us?

Well, I can't do it all by myself,
and I'm not trusting my crew.

They'd have the black on me
for the rest of my life.

How many do you need?

A couple more would do it.
- I don't think I'd be much use.

My doctor's warned me that I've got-
- Why, you little rat. What about my ulcer, eh?

Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Why the sudden cold feet?

Nobody outside these four walls is ever likely
to learn the facts behind this incident.

Provided, that is,
that we all stick together.

That's just what I was gonna say.
- But if he only needs two of us-

You and Bullen.
- What's that? You're not dodging out.

Nobody's dodging out.
- Well, really, think in my position.

I'm not leaving anybody behind
who knows what the game is.

But you can't expect the mayor of Sandcastle
to put to seas a dredger head.

If you don't go,
I'm certainly not going.

What I say goes!

I think it's perfectly lovely.
Don't you agree, Captain?

The belle of the ball.
- Thank you, Captain.

I'm afraid I haven't
worn it very much lately.

Mr. Thomas rode me
ashore to fetch it.

Rode you ashore?
- Don't you suffer?

Suffer?
- Oh, from seasickness? No, I'm fortunate.

I did once, mind you, when I was
quite a girl, but I got over it.

How?

Oh, well,
I suppose I just grew out of it.

Oh, you were lucky.

Oh, dear. I nearly let it out.

It wouldn't do for our customers
to know the cure, would it?

The cure?
- Well, it cured me.

Mrs. Barrington, for years, the best medical
brains at the disposal of the Admiralty

have been trying to find, without
success, a cure for seasickness.

And you stand here and calmly
announce that you know one?

Yes, it's really quite simple.

You just stuff your ears with cotton
wool and wear very tight corsets.

I thought for a moment you were serious.
- I am serious. It never fails.

Tight corsets?

Anything in sight?

Ah, you see that dot?

A ship approaching. In a moment, you'll
see her alter course to avoid us.

Cutting it a bit fine, isn't she?

Any moment now.

She's going to collide with us.
- Calm, calm.

She has collided with us.

I didn't feel any shock.
- No collision.

It's a small craft
passing under the pier.

In a moment, you'll see her
come out on the other side.

She's sunk.

Look, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you excuse me?
Steward, look after my guests.

Number One, come with me.

Figg's dredger!

What the blazes does
he think he's doing?

Look, sir.

Clear away boats for launching.
- Aye, aye, sir.

Need a boarding party.
You and Duckworth.

Sir, but- but you'll take command, sir?

I'm afraid not.
You carry on, Number One.

All hands!

Excuse me.

There's no cause for alarm. You're
all quite safe. Excuse me, please.

Gentlemen... gentlemen,
I am about to engage the enemy.

Belay that.
Number One, I'm taking command.

Aye, aye, sir.

Come out of there.
- Let 'em be.

This is a job for small craft.

Mr. Duckworth, fetch an ax.
Number One, follow me.

Captain, one moment.

This is no time for jokes, ma'am.
- Breathe in.

It's not as good as a corset,
but it'll have to do.

Wait.

Useless.
I've tried all the drugs there are.

Not drugs. Plugs.

There.
Good luck, Captain.

I shall do my duty, ma'am,
to the best of my disability.

Now go forward.

All gone forward.

Helm amidships.
- Helm amidships.

Slow astern.
- Slow astern.

Stop engines.
- Stop engines.

It works!

Form line ahead.
- Form line ahead!

Port wheel.
- Port wheel.

Full speed ahead.
- Full speed ahead.

Go astern and try again.
We'll do it next time.

Get over!

Enemy in sight, sir.

Quite all right, thank you.
Never felt better.

Mr. Duckworth, take your ship
in and destroy the halter.

Take independent action.
Execute!

It's coming!

They're after us!

They mustn't find me here.
Cut loose! Get rid of the halter!

No, no, leave that! I'll fix them!

Dig those crazy sugar tongs.

Come and get me! Mad hopper!

Here I am, Figg. Do your worst.

Look, they're cutting the halter!

Got him!

Where is he?
- Give him time. What goes down must come up.

What's the matter?
- He hasn't come up yet.

Look!

We've drowned him!

What's the idea of leaving the wheel?
We've lost steerageway.

There's no sign of him.
- We've killed him. We'll swing for this.

Shut up.
- Ahoy!

Come up, blast ya!

Strike your colors, gentlemen!

Figg, you scoundrel.
Let go of that halter.

No, you don't!

Navy's here!

Keep 'em there, Number One!

That's it! Now!

Hurry up, sir.
They're getting impatient.

Now!

Get with it, daddy-o!

Grab, man, grab!

Help!
- You idiot!

Thomas, make a signal.
Four prisoners awaiting custody.

Aye, aye, sir.

Well done, Captain.
- Thank you very much.

Captain. I think the time has
come to splice the main brace.

An excellent idea.

Oh, look.

I hope it's not an omen.

I'm afraid it is.

Everybody off!
As quickly as you can, please.

Here we are, sir.
- Your boat, Number One.

Oh, no, sir. Not without you.
- I shall stay with my ship.

I'll stay with her, too.
- You will take command of the other half of her.

That is an order.

Well, good-bye, sir. And good luck.
- Good-bye, Number One.

Ahoy there!

Ahoy!

Stand by to receive a line!

We will take you in tow!

Nobody claims salvage on my ship!

And that, I fear, gentlemen,
is the end of the rum.

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