Original subtitles

I'm literally getting showered with praise

and you still have no faith in me.

What if you turn 40 and this... baking thing hasn't paid off?

I am trying to tell a story,

which is something that nobody in this family seems to understand.

Don't be gone so long next time.

I had a vision and I get it now.

What Mum leaving did to you, to all of us.

Denise being so protective of Diana.

I know you're both angry with me and you have every right to be.

I don't think you can change.

Dad?

DIANA: Welcome to Jim's.

To start, you will be enjoying your appetisers

the way my old Pops used to fine-dine -

TV-dinner style.

Rissoles with sauce, classic mash,

a cured meat sausage ciggie

and wash it down with a glass of Jim's home brew.

Then you will experience a West-style family cook-out.

You'll be treated to friggin' delicious

red-peppercorn-crusted kanga-brew kebabs

from our very own Chef West.

Next,

tripping on mushrooms in a warrigal-green forest,

drunk rainbow trout in Duplass chardy,

wabbit stew - personal thing -

and then, the real reason you're here -

but...don't tell my uncle -

dessert.

First, Pop My Cherry Ripe,

followed by my new creation, Six Feet Under.

You crack open your isomalt ball

and...voila!

MAN: Whoa!

My dead grandparents.

(CURIOUS CHATTER)

Now, um, in the words of Jim West...

..fuck off and get out of my house, you wankers!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

MAN: Bravo. Bravo.

So, what did you think?

Your niece is quite the talent. Yeah. I know.

She's a West.

And she speaks quite highly of you.

I guess she's been working with a different Easton

to the one I managed for all those years.

Your dad seemed like a character.

They're just ashes, right?

Viv, if you're here to lure me back to Shanghai,

or Dubai or Brunei or the... fuckin' palace of Versailles,

I'm not interested.

I never picked you for someone who'd be happy to get outshone.

..yeah, all this paperwork. Easton has done all this...

Actually, Easton, the reason I'm here is that I'm...

Who was that?

Congratulations. They're shutting you down.

Oh, Jesus Christ. They're what?

Fucking... No permits. No liquor licence.

No wheelchair access.

Human bodies buried outside a commercial dining area.

Mum's grave is empty!

You are the culinary equivalent to a meth lab!

No, no, no! Oi!

Do not... No, seriously. Hey!

Do not... Come back here, you gutless git!

Come back here! (CLANG!)

God! Oh!

Yeah, you run to mummy! Go on!

Go on! Oh!

Ooh!

Yeah!

Why do we even need a wheelchair ramp?

It's four fucking steps! I'll carry them in.

I can't believe I trusted you with this shit.

I've listened to you! I've supported your wacky ideas!

Wacky? Which have mostly been pretty good.

I haven't stopped you from doing anything.

Corpses, genitals - anything you want.

It's a partnership, no?

All this for nothing.

I promise you, I will find out who dobbed us in and betrayed us.

You did! You betrayed us!

No-one is out to get you!

From publicity comes scrutiny.

Are you a moron? Yes.

You made the mess, Easton, and once again, we have to clean it up.

I'll do the paperwork.

You get the tools we need to fix the place.

You aren't doing anything!

Yeah, I know since Dad died, you've become self-appointed manager

but we are fine on our own.

Hey, I offered to look at your books

and you went, "Oh, no, no, no, no need."

So look at us now!

I just can't believe we have to exhume Pop's ashes.

And Nan's whole body.

Well, it's either that or we move the entire restaurant.

Yeah, well, that's the... the least of our worries.

The only reason that I agreed to do this with you

was to honour Pop's memory.

You said that you had changed!

I'm learning on the job, right?

You think when I was cooking for Noel Gallagher,

I was executive chairman of council applications?

No! I had people doing that shit.

OK. Then we're asking Viv for help.

Viv? Viv, no. She can't do this.

Well, she managed to keep your dying career going,

until you threw the final pig straw.

Yeah and plus, she's connected

and if we're gonna keep a restaurant alive, we need money.

No! Ow, fuck!

I think I've...pulled my groin. Good!

All you have to do is just sit there and smile,

like a good little boy.

Sit where?

The thing is, critically, we're killing it.

Like, we are the talk of the culinary world.

I'm not surprised.

What you've created is truly special.

Yeah.

We've also been shut down, have no money and are fucked.

Jesus Christ!

So we were sort of hoping that you maybe...

have an interest in backing Jim's.

It's more as a favour to you, really.

I mean, I know things didn't end well between us

but, uh, this is a good business opportunity

but we'll be fine, regardless.

Easton,

why do you think I'm here?

Let me see.

You waited till I was back on top until you showed up,

so I'm assuming it's because you want something from me.

You're right. I do.

The 25% of your earnings that you still legally owe me.

Seems you're not quite as "on top" as I thought, though, so...

I guess I'll just have to keep on waiting.

Why, you unscrupulous little leech.

With you, it's always take, take, take.

Fuck!

Get some decent chopsticks, moron!

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Chef West! Oh, a little trouble with the sticks, huh?

I can get you a fork and a knife, yeah?

Hey. I heard about you guys getting shut down.

If there's anything I can do to help...

Fuck off, Ben.

So, how's it all working out for you, then?

I was genuinely impressed with Jim's, you know.

It was surprising. Yeah.

The, um...the part where the council guy came and shut us down?

That was, uh...it was definitely surprising.

Look, I just hate to see your talents get wasted.

The time is right for you.

A female pastry chef with edge and an attitude -

you should come to London.

I could put you in a top kitchen,

uh, even get backing for your own store if you like...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you being serious?

Well, I'd like to think that this trip

wasn't a complete waste of my time.

Sorry to interrupt. Uh, I hope you still have room.

Uh, there's always room in my mouth for you, chef.

Viv, this is my lover, Kwame.

Kwame, Viv. Nice to meet you.

Hello. And these are hot-cross bao buns.

On the house.

They're amazing.

We're a culinary power couple.

Well, maybe the power couple can take over London.

Uh... Where you belong.

Mmm...

Easton got to go off and live his life.

Now it's your turn.

Trust me.

I'm saving you from a sinking ship, Diana.

BEN: (SLIDES DOOR OPEN) You'll never get it out.

Nan's special sauce got that umami stank, bruh!

(LAUGHS)

Here.

(SIGHS)

Hey, I was being serious before.

About wanting to help out.

I want to turn Uraidla into a shit-hot culinary destination.

I can give you the capital for a 50% stake.

You use the cash to get up to spec, we both win.

It was you, wasn't it?

Dob us in, shut us down, buy us out.

Classic corporate take-over move.

Fuck! OK.

I hate to break your heart

but I am not constantly dreaming of ways to fuck over Easton West, 24/7.

You do such a fucking great job of that yourself.

I dig Jim's. Diana's a talent.

You're...you but I can get over that.

Look, I know you can chef

but can you do the actual grunt-work needed to run a business?

It's tough work, man, and you're no spring chicken.

Look, if you want to get back up and running any time soon,

I'm your best bet.

(SNIGGERS)

Yeah, it really suits you.

Hey, can I get a pic?

I'll put it on the, uh, wall of fame. (LAUGHS)

(SNAPS PHOTO) Yeah, sure.

Take a picture of this.

What the fuck, dude?!

Did you have a run-in with Ben, or something?

What? I didn't even speak to the little weasel.

And I'm not even sure if he was there.

Oh.

Pretty sure I saw you talking to him.

How'd you go with Viv?

That whole rah-rah, female girl-power thing help at all?

Um...no.

Can you smell piss?

Better off without her, anyway.

She's probably the one who dobbed us in to the council.

That makes no sense at all.

Easton, I've gotta tell you something.

I'm gonna walk home.

I can't just pack up and go!

I have my parents, my job...

Oh, but...

..my brothers!

You're 20, OK? You can't live at home forever.

Well, it might be easy for you but for some of us...

How is it easy for me? Are you kidding?

My mum's still a wreck over Pop,

Easton's, like, kind of gotten better

but he still fucked up the entire business so, like...

Oh, so why try and make it work when you can just sell out?

Hmm?

How is taking an amazing opportunity selling out?

Oh, there'll be other Vivs and you know that.

You know what I think?

I think you're just worried that I'm gonna become super-famous in London

and hook up with...Harry Styles.

(SCOFFS) If you want Harry Styles, you should go for Harry Styles.

Great. Maybe I will go for Harry Styles, then.

I guess you don't need me anymore, since you have Harry Styles.

I guess not!

(GIGGLES) Oh, my god!

(MARGOT SIGHS)

Maybe we could try in your bed for once.

Why? Isn't this more fun?

(GROANS)

What's wrong? Groin?

Oh, I've just been thinking.

Oh. Maybe it's just a sign.

I've been in this game for most of my life.

You know, I know I've probably still got plenty in me but...

Is it the fact that it's not the Easton show anymore

getting you down?

No.

If anything, she's probably better off without me overshadowing her.

Oh! You think YOU'RE overshadowing HER?

I'm Easton West. Yeah.

Mmm. You ever think about giving it up?

Nope.

But don't you want to... not have to worry about anything?

Enjoy life?

I am. This is what makes me happy.

I'm good at it. I'm successful.

Yeah, well, I'm good and successful too but...

success isn't everything.

Should I move in?

What? I could cook.

Help in the vineyards.

You know, we could get...

get a dog...

(COUGHS, LAUGHS)

..ducks, or something...

Stop!

Whoever this Easton is who's talking right now,

he's not real and he's not gonna be here for long.

Well, you don't know me. I think I do.

You're not my first rodeo cowboy

and the idea of being with someone with no purpose, well...

that person wouldn't be very... appealing to me,

sexually.

Oh, I'm sorry.

God forbid I wouldn't be appealing to you sexually.

And I have...I have purpose!

I wasn't even...being serious.

I...I was just...bouncing... some ideas around.

You know? And...I'm at the top of my game, for fuck's sake!

Fuck it. (GRUNTS) I'm just gonna go.

I've got some work to do.

Yes, you do, and not just on your restaurant.

(CHUCKLES)

Meanwhile, my barrel-room door is always open.

(CHUCKLES)

Planning on going somewhere? No.

(CHUCKLES EVASIVELY) Oh, that's weird.

'Cause when people apply for passports,

they're usually going somewhere.

Oh, it's just in case.

For the future, you know, with Brexit.

Yeah. It totally makes sense.

I'm assuming it's the United Kingdom that you're running off to, then.

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, I'm not. I'm not running off to the UK.

'Cause if you're gonna Brexit your home,

you should probably give your mum the heads-up,

since she's been trying to keep that restaurant alive every night.

She's also doing that for herself and for Pop, you know -

it's not just for me.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to sway you either way.

I'm just saying there's a heap of knife attacks in London.

Bretty, this is actually an amazing opportunity for me.

I could have my very own store...

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I suck at secrets.

Especially when it comes to your mother.

Remember when you told me you smoked a joint for the first time

and told me not to tell your mum?

Yeah. I told your mum.

I know.

But the restaurant is doomed

and there is so much to do,

it would be stupid for me not to consider this.

Yeah but your mum's done all the council paperwork BS

and they're up there, hard at it, right now.

So there's also a chance it's not doomed,

so you should also consider that.

You should also consider adding milk to your cereal,

'cause that shit tastes like freakin' cardboard

and there's a good chance you'll constipate yourself.

Have a good one.

(GRUNTS) You were right. We can totally fix this ourselves.

We don't want to be owned by anyone.

You can't just do that and call it a ramp.

Yeah, I'm aware of that, Denise. This is the first step of a ramp.

Is that according to The Idiot's Guide to Ramp-Building?

Well, I'm trying to fix this! You don't have to use that tone.

Why are you being so mean? Excuse me?!

So, I reckon Pop's camp is probably a good spot.

What are you doing?

I'm helping,

by moving my grandparents

to a nice area away from the restaurant.

Well, we can take care of that.

I...I think you're probably gonna need all of us

to move Grandma June's coffin, Mum.

And really, it's OK - I can... I can handle it.

Well, I...I, uh... I appreciate that, Diana,

but...Easton and I can do it together.

Alone. Yeah.

Yeah. Why don't you go and grab us all lunch?

So... I'm not paying for it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Um...

(SIGHS)

Purse is in the car.

Yeah. Ooh. Thank you.

Why don't we just tell her?

Because I don't want her thinking her entire family

are a bunch of dysfunctional liars.

But we are.

Bye!

Surely that'll do.

It's not big enough. Oh, it doesn't need to be exact!

(EXHALES)

Oh, Jesus!

See?

It's too short!

What the...?

He really loved that greyhound.

Oh, just hurry up!

We need to make it look like we've excavated a coffin

before Diana gets back.

Well, if you want to go full method, Mum was shorter than you.

Do you think she's still alive?

I don't know, Denise. Does it...does it matter?

I guess it means that you and I are next, eh?

You'll be first, fingers crossed.

(PANTS)

(LAUGHS)

Well, I'm really glad that the idea of my death fills you with such joy.

You left me with him.

Oh! Here we go again!

Yes, I left! I abandoned you and Dad. I'm an arsehole...

With his body.

And he was just laying there, with his eyes open.

And at one point...

..I heard this...

(GROANS SOFTLY)

..and then there was this ant crawling on his face

and I tried to grab it

but I missed

and so the ant went inside, in his...his mouth.

(SIGHS) You spend a lifetime with someone and, um...

..and then, at the end of it,

the only image that comes to your mind when you think of them is...

..is an ant crawling into the open mouth of a dead face.

That's it. That's the beautiful memory.

You know, I thought it was so gross

when you still wanted to do the restaurant

but then I figured...

(SIGHS)

..at least it kept him alive in a weird way.

Yeah, I...I'll fix it. I'm fixing it.

Yeah, you can't. You can't fix it on your own and you know it.

I had to cough up for the funeral.

Why stop now? N-n-no.

No, you are not paying for this.

I am so tired of being the only adult in this family.

Oh, Denise, don't...don't do...

That...that is weird!

Denise...

(SIGHS) Denise!

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)

Who the hell is this bitch?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hi. I got your lunch but... I may have...accidentally eaten it.

EASTON: Can you meet me at Zhao's in five?

Uh...

It might be a bit of a stretch.

Wait - what is happening?

We need to know that nothing will change. We're still in charge.

BEN: Nothing will change.

You'll just be better off, open, legal and...

owned by me.

Co-owned. It'll still be Jim's.

Zhao's Jim's.

(LAUGHS) Just kidding.

That's my boy. Yay!

Baby! Guess who's joining the fam!

Or are you joining our fam? Um...

We'll be one big, happy fam,

'cause I'm gonna back these bastards.

Really? Mm-hm.

So, have you broken the news to Viv, or Harry Styles?

Harry and I will just have to keep it long-distance for now.

What's he talking about?

Oh, just Harry Styles, just some guy...

No, with Viv. Don't worry.

She was just talking about me maybe going to London for a bit.

It's really no big deal.

Uh, being offered your own store is a pretty big deal, I think.

Here we go. To us.

Master and apprentice back together

but reversed, eh?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, relax, man. I'm...I'm kidding.

I mean 'masters', plural, like me and Di.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

You think you're better than me, do you?

Is that what you think?

What are you doing?

Let's see who the real master is.

Amateur.

They're both pretty good. Oh!

Well, of course they're not gonna admit mine's better!

Easton, no-one cares that you know how to make a stupid omelette!

You do realise that the only reason Viv asked you was to get back at me.

That's all this is about.

Sure.

Whatever makes you feel better.

Now can we let them get back to work, please?

Poached, fried, scrambled.

(STAFF MUTTER)

Easton for fried. Ha!

Ben for scrambled. Oh, fuck off, fembot!

Your taste buds are scrambled!

Hey, don't talk to my staff like that.

Easton, you're gonna blow this!

Oh, I thought you were off to London anyway, love.

Oh, my god! You are such a jealous, petty loser!

No, no - why don't you bugger off and do your little Princess Diana act?

That's great. You know what?

It'll end up an even bigger car crash.

Mm-hm.

You know, if it wasn't for me,

you'd still be pimping crappy cakes in the gutter.

I made you - and if you weren't young, fat and female,

no-one would offer you shit.

I don't like you.

The real Easton West returns.

Are we done?

Julienne, jardiniere, brunoise.

(STAFF MUTTER)

You need to go and apologise to her.

Excuse me? You're a big, tough guy?

You need to know your place in the kitchen.

Done. I win.

Oh, fuck!

WOMAN: What the... Oh!

You're embarrassing yourself, man! (YELLS INARTICULATELY)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Whoa! Hey...

Seriously, put that down. That's my nan's special sauce, dude.

(GRUNTS)

Just what it needed!

A smear of your nan's fucking special sauce,

all over your nan's special fucking face!

DIANA: Hey, Mum. Oh!

Oh, damn! Oh, Diana, hi.

I bought you lunch.

Oh, I'm not that hungry, so... Great.

So...

..I've gotta tell you something.

Yep. You know that...that Viv woman?

Yeah.

So, the other night, she just kind of asked me to...

What the fuck?

Is that Grandma June?! Yeah, I know, I know.

It is a bit of a shock.

I mean, I thought that your pop would at least have used a coffin.

I knew he was a tight old bastard but...

Yep. Very, very odd.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

He buries his wife with the dog.

I mean, who do...who does that?

Mum...

Mum.

Yeah?

Where's Grandma June?

(ANGRY ROCK MUSIC)

Has Diana come back, or...? No.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

I was thinking,

we don't want outsiders interfering in our business.

So maybe...

..we should just keep the restaurant in the family.

If you have the...money, that is.

OK.

(PIGEONS FLUTTER OVERHEAD)

(GUNSHOT)

Dinner?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation