Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull

Twenty years.

Twenty years of slaving away so my family wants for nothing.

I never counted the hours. Why not?

You tell me. Why not?

Work to home, home to work... Not a single affair.

I never moved an inch. Nothing!

I'm a model citizen.

I don't smoke, seldom drink,

I recycle my waste...

I even bought the Enfoirés album.

I say all this so you won't judge me by what you see.

Yep, it's all my fault.

And it can happen to any one of us.

Anyone.

But I'd rather you judged that for yourself.

TEN DAYS WITHOUT MOM

Mom, where are my flowery socks?

Second drawer!

Come and get it, kids!

Breakfast!

Quit yelling!

There you go, Jojo.

- He's a real pain. - You too.

Arthur keeps filching my Stan Smiths!

Quit yelling, first thing!

You've got feet like Gollum!

I can't take it.

It can't be me, they wouldn't fit.

Stop lying!

So I'm a liar now? You two are always arguing!

Give me my toast!

Don't touch me, Maxime!

Are you quite done?

Bon appétit, my darlings.

Honey, can you help me out with this contract?

No school for me, I'm going back to Auntie's wedding.

Stop it, that was two weeks ago.

She'll remarry in a year or two!

Arthur, don't say that!

It's true! I've been to two of her weddings.

When's the third?

Soon, Auntie's hot to trot.

What's "hot to trot"?

Honey? You explain it.

Hot to trot...

means you're in a big hurry.

OK.

You'll see to it?

- Where's your company lawyer? - On vacation.

Weren't you a lawyer?

In another life.

Why did you stop?

I got fed up of paunchy businessmen.

I wanted to take care of Batman.

Come on, hurry up.

Why, are you hot to trot?

No, but I want you to be at school on time.

You've got 20 minutes. Come on!

Have a nice day, Dad!

- You too, kids. - See you later!

Quit yelling!

You understand what he says?

Sure. Nah-nah-nah is easy.

- Hi, Maria. - Hello!

Hello, Mr Antoine! Haven't seen you in ages.

Which means I'm late. What happened to you?

How so?

You're limping.

I have a short leg.

Yeah? Since when?

I've had it since birth, Mr Antoine.

Well, bravo!

I didn't know.

Honey, she's worked for us for seven years.

Remember to look at that contract.

- What was that? - Nah-nah-nah!

I'll send you my invoice later.

How about I pay you in kind?

Four kids all day? It'll cost a bomb.

Lucky you don't count me.

For you, it's free.

I love you.

Siri, how long for me to get to work?

Alright, Antoine, I'll calculate the time to your office.

It will take you 25 minutes.

Great!

Have a nice day, Antoine.

Mom, not while I'm in the bathroom!

Sorry, sorry.

Mom, I've got a headache, I can't go to school.

Go down, I'll give you some meds. And feed the fish!

- Yes, Mom! - I'll be right back, Jojo.

Mom, where's the iPad?

- Coffee table. - Thanks!

Mom, there's no hot water!

- Maria, I put a wash on. - Very well, ma'am.

I declared 30 hours for you this month.

That's great, ma'am.

Mom, there's nothing on the coffee table.

Maybe the sofa?

Here I come!

I'm throwing a bomb.

Here, young lady.

You should have said to check the sideboard.

If you can play video games, you can't be sick.

I am a bit.

Mom, where's my schoolbag?

- I brought it down. - You should have said!

- I never touch your Instagram. - Liar, I can tell!

So don't leave it open.

- I don't! - You don't know anything.

Yes I do!

I won't be back before lunch, I have to see a few people.

See you later. Hurry, kids!

BRICONAUTES LOVES FAMILY

Lovely car, Mr Mercier.

Oh no, not him. Not at 8.28am!

About the AC.

48 of our workers want it turned down a notch.

Did you read the report on the dangers of overusing AC?

I sent it to you.

I had an email from Hélène Girard...

who has a persistent cough.

No need, thanks.

It's important, we need to sort it out.

I wanted to give you my reassessment of days off

when I got here at 7.58 on the dot but you weren't here

so I sent it by Intranet.

Yes... Could you shift that rabbit? It's blocking the entrance.

Of course!

BRICONAUTES LOVES FAMILY

- Hello, Mr Mercier. - Hello, Camille.

- Hello, Christine. - Hello, Mr Mercier.

Tell Gaudin I want his proposals by lunch.

And Lacaze can use sales staff to set up his Karsher stand.

Thanks, Christine.

I need a conference call with Paris regarding regional strategy.

Write me a letter to the union rep, he keeps collaring me about the AC

or water fountain.

Didier Richaud.

The one who goes on about Intranet.

- Yes, Didier Richaud! - Oh, Christine...

Next time, lock the door when Chassagne's grandson comes.

The mess he made!

I know! Good thing you could replace the glass.

- Good thing. - Your coffee.

Thanks, Christine.

There.

HR MANAGER OF THE YEAR

It isn't even sunny!

Hello, Mr Dicaprio.

Hello, girls.

Ridiculous.

I'm back!

Shit.

Barbecue this weekend?

I'll tell you about our honeymoon!

Stop it, Maxime!

You suck, Chloé!

- Go play somewhere else! - Arthur's in love!

- It's smoky. - It's a barbecue!

- Your wife's? - Yes, a hairdryer.

Come on, Jojo!

I love being on vacation.

After the honeymoon, I'm already planning another trip.

I know what my next destination is: Mikonos.

I saw a friend's Instagram photos.

Looks am-az-ing!

We were meant to go.

We'd even booked it.

And?

I got pregnant with Arthur.

Maxime! Antoine, stop him with that hose!

Cut it out, Maxime!

Come on, Jojo, one last spoonful for Mommy.

Well, I'd better get changed.

Oh yes, it was in 2007.

No, 2007 was Ibiza! Don't you remember?

I gatecrashed Pauline's trip. Then stole her boyfriend.

- Oh yes, the Hungarian. - No, the millionaire.

He threw that party for my 30th.

No, I couldn't come, I was having Chloé.

- Jimmy, that's it! - Kiki.

No, Jimmy, not Kiki.

- Did he say Kiki? - Yes.

Kiki means pee.

That's great that you asked.

Auntie couldn't know. I'll be right back.

Ah Jimmy, the king of the bedroom.

- Off with you. - Kiki!

Your Jojo is pretty well built.

- You're mental! - It was an accident!

It really hurt.

Hey, Auntie, are you hot to trot?

Enough! Now go.

You'll be lucky to find a girl like me!

Dad says to lay the table, it's almost ready.

OK!

Despite having four kids,

and a crazy schedule, you never complain and we all benefit!

Thanks.

Plus all the work you do... Let's raise a glass

to congratulate you.

Antoine, bravo!

The best chipolatas ever!

And I'll raise a glass to the newlyweds.

There. And to my chipolatas!

Bravo!

Come on, everyone.

To the chipolatas!

Emma, why are you clapping? You're eating pasta.

- I want pasta too! - Quit yelling!

Slow sugars. She has a tennis match later,

to qualify for the regional Masters.

Wow!

- We're focused on it, right, honey? - Sure, Dad.

Why don't our kids do sport?

I do sport!

Chloé does dance, Maxime does judo, Arthur used to do basketball

but gave up.

You did? And you let him?

That's a mistake. Emma wanted to quit tennis when she was 13.

We kept her at it.

She's all the happier for it. Right?

You're a happy girl, aren't you?

See, honey? You put them in the wrong school.

The right school is soooo important.

School is so important.

I can't stand to be next to you! Arthur, switch places.

No, no.

No? But that's my place.

Well, I'm here now.

- Who do you think you are? - I'm your elder!

Are you kidding?

Mom doesn't take Auntie's place every time she gets up.

Now move!

In your dreams!

Eat up the chipolatas.

What did you say?

Being an elder brother doesn't give him rights.

I'm not the eldest, Audrey is the big sister.

You look much older, Mom!

Are you crazy?!

Honestly!

- What are you doing? - I thought we wanted to make love.

"We"?

Something wrong, honey?

I can tell you need a massage.

No, I'm fine.

I'm just tired.

She's tired.

Something wrong?

My love, what's the matter?

Why do I look older than my sister?

So that's it! Skip it, kids talk garbage.

Your sister's just tanned, so obviously, she...

Why aren't I tanned?

That's to do with...

pigmentation. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

I'm not tanned because instead of vacationing,

I make breakfast, dinner,

change Joseph seven times a day,

run around for you all,

do the kids' homework, then at night,

put on sexy nightwear so my husband has the hots for me.

Well...

That works extremely well, let me tell you.

I want a standing ovation too!

Is that what annoyed you?

Is it?

The applause was for us, for our hospitality. For you too.

Especially your kebabs.

Chipolatas, not kebabs.

Much more difficult to do.

And mine were very tender.

Unlike you.

I don't know what's wrong with you but it isn't my fault.

So... good night.

See you tomorrow.

I'm sick of having no time for myself, like my sister has.

For me, it's the kids, always the kids...

Oh come on.

Once you've dropped them at school, you've got all day.

- Are you serious? - It's a question of organization.

You're home by 9am at the latest.

You've got till 5pm to do whatever you like.

- Right? - 4.30.

OK, 4.30.

Meanwhile, where am I all day?

At the office, much less fun.

But I don't complain.

I can pick the bread up if it makes things easier.

Frankly I'd swap places with you in a heartbeat.

Really?

You want to swap places?

Of course.

Fine.

Good night, honey.

They want to try clothing.

That's interesting, Dicaprio. Produced where?

Good question, Mr Chassagne.

Bangladesh. Guess why.

To minimize costs, of course.

- Is Sarah well? - Fine, she sends her best.

How's that little scoundrel, your grandson?

In hospital. Bronchiolitis.

- Mr Chassagne. - A problem?

It's the cleaner we hired two weeks ago.

What did she steal?

Some wing nuts, sir.

Wing nuts, François.

Did she take many?

Four.

A box of six costs 3.45 euros, so the value is 2 euros.

2.30 euros.

Well, with the right kind of warning...

Excuse me, I know HR is your department

but this calls for zero tolerance.

She's young, if we don't come down hard, she'll do it again.

Today, four wing nuts. What next?

25 cubic meters of mortar? Is that what you want, Antoine?

No, when I say "warning", I intend to take measures.

Maybe a two-day suspension.

Two? Four, I say!

With no pay. Mr Chassagne?

Perfect!

One week, without pay.

- And deduct the cost of 100 wing nuts. - That's better!

500! And suspend her for a month.

Two months and 1000 nuts.

2000. And a 3-month suspension.

3500 nuts.

- 10,000. - 20,000.

50,000 nuts!

- 75,000. - 100,000!

Impossible, that's more than our complete stock!

Let's be sensible.

Antoine, don't beat about the bush, just fire her.

Assume your responsibilities, be a man!

It's tough but we have no choice. It's her or us.

- Her or us. - Of course.

- Thanks. - My pleasure.

Say, Dicaprio, are you any relation to the actor?

We share a few Sicilian cousins.

- There's a family resemblance. - So I'm told!

He's a typical know-all, who never listens.

You could slap him.

Forget work, honey, it'll do you good.

Yes, yes, you're right.

Good day, kids?

No, Griezmann was injured playing for Barça.

Doesn't he play for France?

His club is Barcelona.

It's not hard!

Since we're all here, I have an announcement.

Football's crap.

You still like Mbappé on Instagram!

I'm going to Mikonos, for ten days.

He boasts about being called Dicaprio.

They have shared cousins.

In Sardinia. Or is it Sicily?

Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

Yes... it's Sicily.

Is there any dessert?

Mom? What's for dessert?

So four people deny it but you insist that you told us!

I just can't believe it!

It's just for a few days. You went to Scotland a while back.

Don't mix things up.

Paul and I went salmon fishing but it was a seminar.

Totally different.

And you didn't even bring a kilt back.

Pity.

You could have worn it with nothing underneath.

Don't, it isn't funny.

There is no "nothing underneath". Where are you going?

Mikonos... I always wanted to visit the Cyclades with Audrey.

The Cyclades, yeah.

No.

- You're all tense. -Yes, I'm tense!

You know I want the GM job.

You ditch me just as Tom Cruise is moving in!

It's not cool.

It's just ten days, honey.

Your promotion comes up in six months.

How am I going to manage?

You wanted to be in my shoes, so enjoy it.

Free from 9 till 5.

4.30.

It's all here. Collect Maxime, drop him at judo with Camille.

Then take Joseph for his DT-Polio booster

before picking up Chloé and Anna.

Maxime will be waiting for you at Léon's.

Remember to take Anna to her grandma's, near the bookshop

that stocks the manual Arthur needs.

Evening meals are in the fridge.

That was Monday, which is a quiet day.

Now Tuesday...

Antoine, what's wrong?

No, I'm fine, it's just...

I'm just wondering what to tell the kids.

They won't take it well.

Seriously...

- Bye, my love. - Enjoy your trip!

Yes, ten days!

Mom, can I have a party?

Ask your dad.

We're on.

I said no!

Saturday night? Relax, he'll say yes.

I can hear you, I said no!

Saturday's perfect. So... Yeah, great.

The Greeks are small, not like Nikos.

Max?

My love, my darling.

You can't go, Mom.

Not ten days, ten minutes, or even ten seconds.

Why not, honey?

It's like a clock. With no pedals, it won't work.

- Pedals? - Yes!

The pendulum!

Can I have a drone anyway?

Yes!

This vacation will do you good.

Mom's leaving!

I'll add you to the moms' WhatsApp group.

No need.

- Plus the judo group... - No, no.

I'll do the rest in the cab.

- Bye, Mom. - Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Jojo!

I'm going on a trip.

I love you.

I love you too.

Enjoy yourself.

I love you.

Help, moms, I need the poem they had to learn...

- When is the maths test? - Thursday, last Geography class...

Kiki!

Oh no!

Kiki!

You're a big boy now, you can let me know!

Damn!

- You did that? - No, you did!

- I didn't cut holes in your T-shirt! - He said you did!

- It's you, then! - No!

Then why is there no holes in his T-shirt?

Bang-bang, come on!

What's the matter now? You're dead! What are you going to do?

Ooh, a machine gun!

Dad, mind the zombies!

- Maxime... - Boom, you're dead!

Gimme a potion.

- Tidy up afterwards. - Tidy up?!

What are you doing?

Go get dressed!

Get up, boys, we're late.

Come on, get up. Get dressed, kids.

Breakfast, a pee, and off we go.

We leave in 40 minutes, starting now. Ouch!

Quick, get dressed, I said.

So where's breakfast?

Chill, the coffee and toasts are on.

Ah, great.

Great! Just throw everything.

Could you...? No.

- What time does school start? - 8.45.

Perfect... Fuck!

- Was it on max? - Dunno, I just put bread in.

Oh no!

What did you do with the coffee?

I put coffee and water in.

Into the same vessel?

Do you ever make breakfast?

No, Mom usually does it.

What's going on?!

Come on, boys, get up!

I don't get it, when Mom says get to it, you do.

Your mom?

Don't act smart, just get up. Come on!

On with a T-shirt, off with the crocodile suit.

It's a dinosaur, not a crocodile.

Come on, hurry. There you go.

Help me out here!

You finish off. See you in the kitchen, we're late.

Move it!

From now on, it's a single menu.

- That's breakfast. - But my eggs?

- My Nutella? - My melba toast?

What's that smell?

"Gnagna"? Is that like Kiki, only bigger?

That's one big Gnagna.

- Quit yelling! - You're yelling too!

Don't act smart, you took my Stan Smiths!

Quit saying that!

Come on, hurry up, kids!

- Last one in the car is a loser! - Shut up!

You're not funny, Arthur!

Neither are you. Hello, Maria!

- Have a good day, kids! - You too, Maria!

- Hello, Mr Antoine! - Maria.

Hi, are you better? Anyway...

Say, Maria, could you come every day this week?

Sure, you just need to tell the CESU.

CESU? What's that?

My employment services contract.

Ah, that, OK.

Don't worry, I do contracts all day.

- So, every day? - Yes.

No need to tell Isabelle.

I'll tell her myself.

- OK, Mr Antoine! - Can I get past?

Have a nice day.

Into the car, kids, quick!

- New username. - What would you like me to call you?

Big Pee-pee!

Got it. Your new username is Big Pee-pee.

I'll tell Dad you changed it.

I'll tell Mom you broke her vase.

You ripped her coat.

You drew a moustache on the photo of Maria.

- You flushed her necklace! - You microwaved the hamster.

You peed in Gran's handbag.

Maxime swam in the aquarium.

What? You did?

I did not!

You're such a liar.

Here's Dad.

Has anyone seen my phone?

- Here, Dad. - Thanks, son.

Here, Chloé.

Hey, careful!

All fastened in?

- Turn here. - Left or right?

- Straight ahead. - Sure?

Turn!

- Where? - Right!

No, it's straight on.

- Maybe it was left. - I'll turn round.

Asshole!

I'm taking my kids to school.

"Pins Way"!

Pines Way, not Pins.

I can't believe you don't know the way to school.

Well, neither do you!

You go every day.

Mom takes us, we sleep on the way.

- What's the school called? - Jean Honorat!

OK, I knew that.

I was just testing.

Guide me to the Jean Honorat school.

OK, Big Pee-pee, I'll take you to the Jean Honorat school.

Did you do that? Well, fix it.

Do a U-turn, Big Pee-pee.

OK, I've understood!

Do a U-turn, Big Pee-pee.

All the bears go up the stairs

The elevator needs repairs

Up... one step!

Up... two steps!

The bears are all tired out!

Great, Dad has to go now.

All the bears go up the stairs!

The elevator need repairs

Up... one step!

Up... two steps!

Up... three steps!

The bears are all tired out!

Excuse me, are we nearly done? I have to go.

Jojo, say goodbye to Dad?

No.

It's your child's decision.

All the bears go up the stairs!

The elevator need repairs

Up... one step!

Up... two steps!

Up... three steps!

Up... four steps!

The bears are all tired out!

Up... nineteen steps!

Up... twenty steps!

The bears made it all the way!

Right.

Jojo, Daddy has to go to work now.

No.

No, like the lady said, it's finished.

It's important that it comes from him.

So what now? Shall we do some jigsaws?

Did he really fight with a bear?

That's so brave. Which movie was it?

The Revenant. But he's used to fighting bears.

What an actor!

To me he's just a cousin.

Here, let me get these.

Mercier, where were you? We looked everywhere.

I had a small problem.

My wife is away for a few days. I had to drop the kids off.

Louise and I have found an amazing nanny for the twins.

A Filipina. She lives with us.

It's like she isn't there. Such a discreet people.

And good value too.

You didn't put enough in. Hope it takes notes!

Wait, stand back...

There you go.

No, it doesn't take notes

but it takes a kicking.

Sure you're alright, Mercier?

- You need a vacation. - No, I'm fine.

Dicaprio is right, your wife's away, stay with the kids.

I can handle it, sir.

It's quiet right now, get some rest.

It'll pep you up.

We need Antoine on top form! Right, Mr Chassagne?

Absolutely.

There.

Take a few days, it'll do you good.

I insist.

Wasn't he in Legends of the Fall?

No, that was Brad Pitt.

He's good too.

- But not as good. - True.

All the bears go up the stairs...

Any idea for the teacher's birthday gift?

How about a dick?

Hello, Mr Antoine!

- Elise, such good ideas... - Anything else?

- Did you take her home from hospital? - Yes, like I told you.

Did you cut off her long or short leg?

Neither leg was cut off, she's fine now.

Maybe they're the same length now!

Exactly!

Are you OK, boys?

- What was that? - He wants to draw.

No "Kiki" or "Gnagna", then. Wait.

You're going to draw.

Do it here, on the paper,

not on the table or the wall.

Dad, don't forget about me.

What? Oh yes.

Ask me for anything: the moon, maybe not a scooter.

Anything but the family record book. Not now.

Ask your mother.

- What time was I born? - In the night.

But I need the exact time!

What for?

My astrology study with my history teacher.

- Who is he, Paco Rabanne? - Dad!

9.22. There.

You were born at exactly 9.22pm.

You're making it up.

Maxime! Shit.

Maxime!

Maxime, please.

- Max, open up. - What do you want?

- Your brother. - Maxime isn't here.

You're not usually home till 7.

Why are you naked?

I'm not. I'm revising biology.

Biology? Are your teachers all crazy?

Maxime!

Maxime!

Maxime!

No, what's that?

Are you crazy? It's insecticide!

- We're playing! - Not with that...

Go play with something else!

Fuck, that stings.

That wasn't us!

I don't get it. It says right here: dance.

You collect Joseph, then Maxime and Thomas from football,

then take Chloé to dance class.

Plus you came home at 7, not 6. Next time, warn me.

Plus I love dance class!

Why didn't you say?

I didn't know it was Tuesday!

I've missed my appraisal.

- What do you want, Thomas? - I'm not Thomas!

Not Thomas?

No, Dad, he's Léon.

Thomas is fat with red hair.

Oh shit.

It's not really red hair. But he's big.

Alright, Thomas?

Yeah.

What's your address again?

227 Pines Way.

You mean Pins Way?

No, it's pronounced "pines".

OK.

Take me to 227 Pines Way.

Antoine Lousy Pants, calculating the route to Spines Way.

Dad?

Dad.

Go to bed, you're tired.

Same applies to you.

Yes, but I'm tidying up.

Sure you are.

No school?!

It's Inset Day.

So you're on strike?

We're not on strike!

We work with other professionals to develop our pedagogy.

The poster has been up for weeks.

Who has time to read that on their way to work?

- Calm down, sir. - No, I will not!

What with all the homework, notes to sign,

absent teachers, amended timetables...

Now it's Inset Day?

Madam, we're not here for your benefit!

No arguments, take my children!

There!

Right, I've heard enough.

Please, ma'am.

Forgive me, I got carried away.

I'm sure you do a wonderful job but...

My wife is away...

and I'm a little overworked.

I'd like to go to the movies, or watch TV.

They're lovely, they won't bother you.

Ma'am...

Please...

Kids.

- Overworked? - A little.

No one asked you to have four kids. Not me.

I wanted to teach kids,

instead I have to deal with nutjobs!

Care to see a photo of me when I started out?

Fresh, smart, killer looks, 56 kilos...

I barely needed makeup.

Sorry you're "a little overworked" because Madam is away.

I really couldn't care less. Have a nice day!

Ah, good.

Hello, sir, hello, Joseph.

Thank God you're here.

For pity's sake, take him for a few hours.

I'll pay anything, just take him.

Sure we'll take him.

Why would we turn Jojo away?

It isn't Inset Day?

No, that's next week.

All the bears are not on strike today...

All the bears...

Alright, kids?

Yes, we're fine, Dad.

Well, that's good.

It's not so hard, you just need to get organized.

What are you doing?!

Chloé said I could.

- What is this, Mikonos? - It's cool!

How are you, my loves?

Hi, Mom!

Is everything OK?

Guess what Maxime did.

Everything's fine, honey.

Good.

Jojo had his booster?

- His...? - For DT-Polio. He wasn't sick?

He was fine! Tell us what you've been up to, honey.

Are you enjoying it?

Great! I miss you all, I had to see you before going to sea.

For how long?

Three days! To visit a few islands.

It's amazing but I'll be off network.

Hey, how are you, kids?

Hi, Auntie!

Call Chloé so I can say hello.

Chloé, hurry, your mom's about to sail round the world!

I can't!

Tell me about your dance appraisal.

But I can't!

Skip it if you're in a hurry.

We'd better go, Nikos is waiting on the boat.

I'll be off. Take care, I love you all, see you soon.

Me too, Jojo!

I love you lots and lots!

- Bye, Mom! - Bye, Mom.

Who's Nikos?

"I'm going sailing with Nikos"!

- Yes, Paul. - Wait till you hear.

Chassagne is announcing his successor.

What?! That's not for another six months!

- It's the Wolf of Wall Street! - Who?

Dicaprio. That's what we call him at the warehouse.

- Don't worry, Antoine. - I don't believe it.

He's won the first set but you can equalize.

- I have to go. - Dad!

Dad!

What?

I need to talk to Mom.

- Why? - I just do!

Sorry, she's out at sea.

So, what do you want?

Chloé, it's Daddy.

Mom's away but you can talk to me.

No, I can't, forget it.

Why not?

I just can't.

Come on, tell Daddy.

What's wrong?

You really want to know?

Of course I do. Come on.

I stained my pants.

Oh, shit!

I just put a wash on. I said to give me your laundry!

You don't understand anything.

Chloé!

Chloé!

Chloé, wait, wait...

It's wonderful! Fantastic, great!

I'm so pleased. It's life!

Dad, I can't breathe!

I'm sorry. I'll help you, OK?

Daddy will find a solution.

I won't let you down.

How to handle daughter's first period?

What did you just say? Dad!

Nothing.

No result for how to handle daughter's first period,

Mr Dick-Stinks-of-Camembert.

What? You asked Siri about my period?!

No, it's you lot, messing with it.

You have a period?

Ha-ha, Chloé has a period!

- What's that? - Don't change the subject.

There's water everywhere.

Wow, the flash killed all the zombies!

I can't take it.

Where are you going? Dad?

I resign.

Resign from what? A dad can't just resign.

OK, but let me take a breather.

Go back inside, I'll see to everything.

I just need some fresh air for 5 minutes.

Hey, when did you start smoking again?

I don't want you to look like the people on cigarette packs.

And you pick it up!

- Dad, we're locked out. - I don't care.

Dad, where's Jojo?

Oh fuck.

- Jojo! - Shit!

Jojo's in the water!

Jojo!

Don't stay in the water!

Stand aside!

Stop it, it'll go in your sister's eyes!

Is he totally stupid?!

We're not going to break the windows.

Jojo!

- Jojo, get on the table! - Jojo!

- I'll climb up there. - That's a bad idea!

No, Dad, don't!

Call Spiderman!

- Go, Dad! - Be careful!

Come down, or I'll call Mom!

Really, I will!

I'm fine.

Go for it!

Come down!

- Stop it. - He's going to fall!

Hello!

I'm Julia, Maria's replacement.

Hi, Julia.

We're locked out, my brother's inside.

Oh, I've got a key.

Dad, come down, she's got a key!

Titi-Papa!

Darling... darling...

No, I'm Paul.

What happened?

Was that really a good time to climb the house?

My pants.

Where are my pants?

They took them off to do tests.

I was embarrassed, the nurse took your blood pressure

and your ball popped out.

They've seen it all before, I know.

Where are my kids?

With the girl.

What girl?

The one you've hired.

- I need to go home. - Sure.

Right now.

When the match is over, OK?

Thanks.

Dad!

- You're OK? - Fine, fine.

Hi.

You saw me the other day, from above. I'm Julia.

Maria's neighbor's cousin's daughter. She's great!

- She plays video games. - She cleaned the house.

- And did my homework! - And called the electrician.

- And mowed the lawn. - She plays guitar!

She can come every day.

You have a lovely family.

Thanks.

- I think he means... - You want to poop?

Let's find the potty.

I was scared, Dad.

I love you, children, I really do.

She's great, Dad.

She's even picked flowers.

My big girl.

Mr Mercier!

Jojo's playing in his room, I've made pasta,

and I've talked to Chloé about her concerns.

It's all fine, don't worry.

- Well, thanks, Julia. - Thank you.

I'll be off, it's late. I need to revise.

- What are you studying? - Medicine.

Actually, that was last year.

I'm training to be a midwife.

- You're drawn to the health sector. - Not at all.

I wanted to be a journalist but I hate writing.

I did English but was advised to try economics.

I met my boyfriend, who was doing medicine,

so now I'm training to be...

a midwife.

It's mad, I keep forgetting!

Is your boyfriend a mid-husband?

I don't know, we split up.

Well, you certainly seem experienced, you're great with the kids.

Plus the house is spotless. Bravo, Julia.

Thanks, I have some experience,

I used to clean a hardware warehouse.

Which one?

- Briconautes. - Great!

But I left. They were assholes.

- Forgive my language. - OK.

Well, anyway... thanks.

No, it's just that I was fired actually.

You know why? I stole three nuts.

I say "stole". I was going to pay for them.

But it was 5am, no one was there.

The boss wouldn't listen.

He fired me on the spot, made me pay for 1000 nuts!

For three nuts, just think!

- They were barely worth 20 cents! - 2.30 euros.

Excuse me?

I said it's crazy!

It's crazy, I don't understand it.

Some people are pathetic.

So it's good to end up working for people like you.

You're a lawyer, right?

I'm being nosey. But I noticed law books everywhere.

Yes, precisely, I'm a lawyer.

I'd love to be a criminal lawyer.

Maybe it isn't too late.

- Maybe I'll ask your advice. - No.

I'm in business law... as a legal...

A lawyer. Kind of the legal side of business law.

Well, thank you, Mr Mercier.

Bye! See you tomorrow.

- See you tomorrow. - Bye.

Dinnertime, kids!

Coming, Dad!

Did it go well with Julia?

- Awesome! - She's great.

- Can she live with us? - No, Julia has her own home.

Anyway, Julia is busy with her studies.

She said she can't come back.

- No, she said she could come every day. - And sleep here!

I said I'd help her with her pharmacy studies.

She said she was a pharmacist?

Honestly, Dad, she's great.

No, sorry... I don't know...

She's strange. Unstable even.

Pharmacy, midwifery,

law, economics, journalism...

She doesn't know what she wants to do.

Something about her bothers me. Doesn't it you?

No way.

I could eat her pasta every day.

Me too.

I want her to sleep here.

I'm sorry, kids, but...

I can't keep her.

I'm afraid for you.

She's never looked after children. Ever.

So you don't want her or can't she come?

I warn you, Dad,

if you fire her, it'll be worse than before.

Before she came.

Worse!

No, wait, I was just saying...

but if you're happy...

she can stay.

- Fab! - Thanks, Dad.

Can she sleep here?

Stop it, Maxime, you're unbearable!

Maxime!

Stop that.

Maxime, give me my phone!

Shit!

- OK, Dad? - Fine.

I always get blamed.

Wait!

Mr Mercier, you forgot Jojo's bag!

- Dad, what are you doing? - Nothing, it's fine.

- Here. - Thanks.

Have a nice day.

What?

If she learns it was me who fired her, I'm screwed.

Fire her again.

The kids adore her.

Plus she's full-time at home now.

I'm fucked.

- So tell her the truth. - Yeah?

Admit I dropped my pants for Dicaprio to impress Chassagne?

- I'll never get that job. - You will.

No.

It's all in the mind.

It isn't over till the match point is won.

Remember Chang vs Lendl?

It takes balls to serve underarm.

What are you on about?

My career is at stake, and you compare me to Chang.

18 years, climbing the ladder, rung by rung.

I've given everything.

Then I'm overtaken by Dicaprio who's been here 18 months.

He's a sprinter, you have endurance.

Enough! Sporting analogies mean nothing to me.

Why are you here anyway?

To score points. Where's Chassagne?

I haven't seen him.

Forget it, the die is cast.

If I were you I'd go home and enjoy my family.

Mr Mercier!

You think I enjoy my family?

The nanny takes care of everything. Relax, watch some DVDs, read books.

You're on vacation.

I wish I were in your shoes!

Anyway, a vacation is...

Mr Director!

How's Mrs Chassagne?

She's in hospital, she's had a stroke.

I'm going there now.

Did you know?

Yes, that's why he's taking early retirement.

I forgot to tell you.

Right, I'll leave you.

Ah, I was looking for you.

Could you reply to my email on the Intranet?

Yes, I'll set a reminder right away.

Remember to reply to the email from Didier Richard.

Richaud.

Richaud... on the Intranet.

Got it, Mr Pissface Asshead.

There.

Hospital! Why wasn't I told?

Am I meant to guess that she's sick?

Dicaprio will cash in again.

Oh no!

OK, Mr Mercier?

How are you, Christine?

Just cleaning up, I didn't see you.

- How's the break with the kids going? - Fantastic, I'm in heaven.

Great! I'll see them this weekend.

- This weekend? - At the convention.

Oh no, I won't bring them, it would be a shambles.

Pity, this year we've planned entertainments

for the family and kids.

BRICONAUTES LOVES FAMILY

Not at the exhibition center?

No, because...

Dicaprio thought it was too conventional.

But it's a convention.

True, but he wanted something more... American.

He persuaded Mr Chassagne to hold it beside a beautiful lake.

American... Well, I'll be there, with the kids!

Good.

See you this weekend, then.

No way!

But you'll be here all alone while we're having fun.

I said no too, Dad.

Maxime is a good boy. He said yes and he's right.

When do I get my new games console?

Plus you owe me a drone!

Chloé, what do you want?

I don't know, what do you think?

What is it I like to do?

Just as I thought.

Arthur, ask me for whatever you want.

A party!

No.

Is a day with Dad such a chore?

Yes, because you'll be at work!

- Can't we have fun too? - No, you're obsessed with work.

I've spent six days completely devoted to you!

No way!

Yeah, go chew your nails, Venus de Milo!

Sorry.

- Take the mask off. - No, I love it.

- Have a nice day, kids. - You too, Julia!

OK, Dad, we'll come to your party.

But don't spoil things with work.

OK?

Yes, I'll be with you all the time.

All the time!

Thanks, kids.

You can thank Julia.

JEAN HONORAT MIDDLE SCHOOL

I just pointed out how important it must be to you.

Sorry, did I say something wrong?

No, on the contrary, you did well.

I'm grateful, I owe you one.

- Not at all, it was nothing. - I insist.

If you need anything for your studies, for yourself,

just ask me.

Really?

Of course, it's important to me.

Well... there's this.

Here...

I have all the papers.

Letter of dismissal, pay slips... I've kept everything.

I want to sue Briconautes.

The contract is wrong,

it says I started on the first of the month.

Did Christine say that?

Who's Christine?

Christine! My partner at the firm.

Did she tell you that?

No, not at all.

I just figured you could help me.

I need a good lawyer to bring the bastards down.

You're too busy?

No... Yes!

I've got a lot on but it's more that you won't get much money.

You were only with the company for two weeks.

I'm not doing it for money.

- No? - No, I want to destroy them.

I want everyone against them: the media, union reps...

Everyone! I want to call a strike,

occupy the warehouse, introduce strong measures.

- I mean... - No!

I'll handle your case. Give me your papers,

I'll take care of everything.

We'll fleece them!

- Really? - Yes.

I knew you were a good guy.

Thank you, Mr Mercier.

Thank you, thank you!

Sorry.

Thank you.

You still haven't left? What are you doing?!

I couldn't get the kids up. Is Dicaprio already there?

A smell like rotten eggs.

The crew couldn't bear it! It doesn't show in Titanic.

And Kate Winslet is so sweet!

Sweet... but she stinks!

- Right, honey? - Stop it.

Roland says your cousin might drop by.

Movie stars live a different life to us.

L.A. one minute, Toronto the next...

Then Draguignan?

Why not?

Not bad!

Did you wash your hair?

Not since Mom left.

- Shower? - Same.

- Brush your teeth? - Two days ago.

Well, that's OK.

What's that?

Eau de Cologne.

No "Gnagna," not now.

This is going to be fun.

I don't understand what you're saying.

All fastened in.

Hi!

Hello, Stinky Booger.

No more messing with my phone. I'm fed up of it!

Honestly!

What brings you here on a Sunday?

I forgot to pick up my ID after you took photocopies.

Ah, it must be with my work papers.

OK, thanks.

No, wait, Julia, I'll find it!

Chloé, take care of your brother. Arthur, change that username!

Get the bag with the sweaters.

Let me see, where did I put it?

Have you started the writ?

Not yet, no.

So what's that?

- What? - There.

I had a few ideas, so...

I wrote them down.

You're great, Mr Mercier.

I considered what you said about a return.

There you go! It's a good option.

No... no, I can't.

The thought of working for them again makes me ill.

- That pathetic rabbit... - Of course.

Here it is. Trust me, we'll screw them.

You work there?

Where?

HR MANAGER OF THE YEAR

HR manager.

You're taking the piss!

Please, the children might hear you.

Why offer to be my lawyer?

I didn't offer, you asked me!

But you said yes, instead of...

It was you who fired me!

Sorry, you hit it off so well with the kids...

I was snowed under.

I was ashamed.

I can't believe it... I just can't!

What a shit!

It wasn't your fault.

No, I mean you.

What an asshole!

Hey, that's enough!

This is my home.

Yes, I fired you, for three wing nuts.

Go ahead, blame me, mock the poor rabbit,

but next time make sure there's no camera watching you steal!

Those nuts weren't worth 30 cents!

2.30 euros. Where I come from, you don't steal, whatever the value.

You're right.

It's my own fault.

There.

As you say, we're from different worlds.

In mine, we know our children.

We can deal with our daughter's periods.

We understand what our two-year-old is saying.

We don't buy off a little boy with a drone.

We show an interest in our eldest son's love life.

Here. Your wing nuts.

No need to fire me a second time.

I resign.

Did you find the bag?

I found something better.

- Go on. - Later, Dad's here.

Right, let's get moving.

Ready for a wild time?

Thank you all for attending

the Briconautes Stores event!

The one you've all been waiting for,

the one that brings you - us - together.

Family memories to share,

because at Briconautes, we love family!

With us today are Mr and Mrs Chassagne!

Give them a big hand!

Give it up for Roland Chassagne!

Bravo!

It is now time

to ask our mascot Brico-Bunny

to light the flame of this Brico-Olympiad!

All together now...

The bunny! The bunny!

Five, four, three,

two, one...

Let the Brico-Olympiad begin!

Dicaprio is a force of nature!

Mercier is being literally lifted off his feet!

First victory to Dicaprio!

Let's go to Antoine Mercier at the Brico-rodeo.

He's down already.

Dicaprio, though, is holding on.

He ends with a flourish!

GREEN TEAM - RED TEAM

An amazing start for Dicaprio!

Antoine Mercier is lagging behind... Easily beaten!

Next up is the Brico-bridge.

Off we go. Great start by Dicaprio, who's leading already.

Keep at it, all hands on deck!

Stop, you're panicking me!

- What are we waiting for? - The right moment.

Come on, let's give it up for the two teams!

Dicaprio in the lead,

Mercier is lagging behind.

And Dicaprio wins!

The very name is the stuff of dreams!

Let's give a big hand to the winner of this first set,

Mister Di... caprio!

Dad, we can win lots of points on that.

No, but it's perfect for you, Christine.

Come on, Dad!

Oh no.

Let's hear it for Dicaprio!

Antoine Mercier's team is struggling this year.

Here... no, you.

Shall we go?

Stay there, Jojo, don't move.

- Aim for the skittles. - Don't worry, we will... Ready?

When you're ready.

First, we just wanted to tell you...

We love you, Dad.

But you really need to change.

Yeah, great... Exactly.

Go!

- What are you doing? - Naninana!

- What did he say? - He wants Julia back.

We'll see. Now turn me round.

No, now!

What are you doing?

Put me the right way round!

Aim for the skittles!

Put me the right way round!

What have we done?

Why did we do that?

Help!

Sorry, ma'am!

Game, set and match.

Bunny... my bunny!

Shit!

Your tail's on fire! It's burning!

I'd better cancel my cousin.

What are you waiting for? Do something, for fuck's sake!

BRICONAUTES LOVES FAMILY

Maybe we shouldn't have done that.

Yeah.

Don't worry, I'll look after him.

Yell if you feel like it.

It'll be better for all concerned.

I'll keep them at home till Isabelle gets back.

I'll leave Jojo with you, though.

I never know what he's saying.

I don't understand you, son.

I don't understand.

I wish I could understand you.

HISTORY AND GEOGRAPHY

HR MANAGER OF THE YEAR

FAMILY RECORD

9.22pm.

Yes, Christine?

Chassagne has called a meeting, 11am tomorrow.

- He wants you there. - He wasted no time.

I'm sorry.

Is that OK?

Yes, don't worry. See you tomorrow.

- Mr Mercier, hi! - Hello.

Here, he's had his DT-polio booster,

he may have a fever for a few days.

Well, tomorrow is Inset Day,

Jojo will be with you.

Of course.

Bye-bye.

Good! You said goodbye to Daddy?

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

You have to go now.

Bye.

I just got fired.

Know a good lawyer?

Come in.

Why are you here?

If you're worried I'll sue you, you convinced me not to.

Also, I don't know a good lawyer.

There's my wife.

She'd work to sue you?

I'm worried she'd enjoy it.

You look after these kids too?

This one's like Dumbo!

That's Mathieu... He's my son.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I don't mind when you speak the truth.

I love this photo.

Who's the dad?

The "mid-husband".

Of course.

The wing nuts were to repair his robot.

Right... I have to collect Mathieu from school.

You're a special person, Julia.

Thank you.

Thanks for everything you've done for us.

Gentlemen, it's a big day for me.

I suggest we make official Mr Dicaprio's appointment

to replace me as the new managing director.

Thanks for your faith in me, Mr Chassagne.

No, call me Roland.

Thank you, Roland.

As for you, Antoine,

in view of recent unfortunate events,

the committee has made a grave decision.

No one doubts your abilities and commitment

to the company these past 18 years,

but we believe it would be

inappropriate for you to remain in charge of HR.

Hence we have unanimously decided to offer you a new position.

Daddy?

What?

A new position, Mercier!

Shh, please, let him speak.

What was that, Jojo?

Daddy!

Hear that? He said Daddy.

Sounded like "Gnagna".

- Say "crayon". - Crayon!

- Say "paper". - Paper.

- Say telephone. - Telephone!

Antoine, are you listening?

Big Farty Booger,

what can I do for you?

Get out of here! Now!

Shall we go home, Daddy?

You're right, son. Let's go home.

What will you do now, Mr Mercier?

I don't know. Take time out.

Stop it, that's Christine's...

Christiane's.

Yes, people often get it wrong.

I didn't deserve you.

I doubt things will get better.

Goodbye, Christiane.

Goodbye... Antoine.

Goodbye, Mr Mercier.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Mr Mercier.

Goodbye, Mr Mercier.

Bye-bye, Christiane!

Goodbye, Mr Mercier.

I need a replacement car, luxury model, ASAP.

No, I don't know my police number.

Dicaprio, like the actor.

Thierry.

Sorry, is your first name Thierry?

Yes, why?

Thierry Dicaprio?

Bernard Pitt?

Shut up. Beat it, go sign on unemployed!

Not you.

I wasn't talking to you.

Is the man mad?

Yes, he is mad, he isn't very happy.

No, not an Espace either!

Daddy happy?

Yes, Daddy's very happy. Come on.

Come on, son, we're going home.

Not a Kangoo.

Or a Fiat Punto. A Punto isn't what I'm asking for!

40-15.

Out! Game to Miss Autexier.

Come on, Emma, you're mentally stronger.

Keep at it!

Go to the net, attack her backhand.

What?

Nothing.

You're teasing me.

No, on the contrary.

Just remember, you sent your dad bowling.

- Sorry, it was Chloé's idea. - It was not!

Miss Han Tran to serve.

Sorry, Dad, we wanted to make a point but it went too far.

Come here, you.

Sorry, Dad.

Yeah, we're sorry about Sunday.

Yeah... and I'm sorry for all the other days.

A lifetime working in human relations and I don't know my own kids.

The important things passed me by.

- Shh! - Can't you see we're making up?!

Skip the family therapy and watch the match!

Mom, you're never off the phone!

I'm outta here.

Is it so hard to be with your family?

Mine are the same!

Only we weren't ditched!

What was that, Stanislas?

- You've already had two! - I want three!

Please! The girls are playing for a place in the national team!

Anyone who isn't interested,

I'll ask you to go home!

What are you doing? It isn't over!

To hell with tennis, I want some fun too.

You've always loved tennis!

No, you have!

Grab a racket, do a few drop shots like John Borg, and leave me alone!

It's Björn Borg!

Come on, we're leaving too.

Quiet, please!

We have a lot to do before Mom gets back.

- Already? - It's gone by so quickly!

Dad, everyone's laughing at me.

It's the Superman mask.

Come on!

Hello!

Hi, everyone!

Anyone home?

Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm so glad!

Mom!

My loves!

Good to see you.

- Who have we got here? - My darling!

Oh, it's Mom!

My superhero, you've grown!

I love you, Mom!

And me? What about Dad?

It's good you're back.

You forgot I was home today?

No, I thought it was tomorrow, or we'd have tidied up.

- You're all tanned, you look lovely. - Thank you!

So it wasn't too tough?

Tough? No, we were fine, right?

- Great, Dad! - Perfect.

Wonderful!

Poop!

- Chloé! - Ah, it's my turn.

I'll help you and read a story.

I'll take your bag up, Mom.

And finish your homework.

- OK, Pa. - He always needs prompting.

Are you all on drugs?!

Why do you say that?

Everything seems so weird.

- You didn't have any problems? - No.

- You don't even look tired! - Stop it.

Sure, it's hard work.

Jojo was 38.7° after his vaccine.

But I managed.

It's manageable, as you well know.

OK.

And work was OK?

Shh, no, don't.

No talking about work, not at home.

OK... I think I slipped through a gap in the spatiotemporal continuum.

Everything's fine, we have a beautiful family.

Welcome to your home.

My loves.

I missed you so much.

How I've needed this!

You want the cape? With the mask.

Hey, my superhero.

OK, there's still work to be done.

Soon it'll be adolescence, conflicts,

collecting them from parties at 4am.

One falling in love, another heartbroken.

No one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Am I afraid?

Of course I am!

But I'd like to think for a fleeting moment

that I'll be up to it, that we'll be up to it.

Because we're a beautiful family and everything will be fine.

Who are you talking to, Dad?

Yes, how come you're talking to yourself?

It's nothing, don't worry.

I've been thinking while I was away.

I want to be a lawyer again.

Is it well paid?

Why do you ask?

- 'Cause Dad was fired. - What?!

And you microwaved the hamster.

He knocked Maria over too.

- They rolled me in a giant ball! - Chloé's idea!

- Maxime threw rocks at the house. - Because Jojo was drowning!

- Julia saved us, Dad fired her. - What?

Dad tried to sort Chloé's period out with his phone

but the washing machine flooded!

Oh dear, what kind of family are you?

Bye!

TEN DAYS WITHOUT MOM

Provided by explosiveskull