Original subtitles

APPLAUSE

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

Good evening and welcome to this festive edition of Play of the Week.

I'm Chris Bean, the director.

The BBC has recently refused to fund any more episodes of

Play of the Week,

but thanks to some additional sponsorship,

we are gladly able to continue

with tonight's production of The Nativity.

I should also inform you that a fire alarm test was scheduled to

happen in our studio tonight.

I did email the BBC to try to have it moved, but they said they

would rather disturb our broadcast than one of their empty studios.

I called their bluff and, after a frank exchange,

we will now be having two fire alarm tests tonight.

So, the actors are prepared.

The stage is set.

Please enjoy The Nativity, sponsored by Brookshaw Corporate Finance.

Our story begins with Mary...

...a young woman from the town of Nazareth,

and her husband, Joseph, a humble carpenter.

Oh!

Oh, Joseph.

DRAMATIC BIBLICAL FILM MUSIC PLAYS

Behold! I am the Archangel Gabriel.

Witness the light of God.

Kneel before the messenger of the Lor...

Not yet.

Oh, Joseph.

Nothing interesting ever happens in Nazareth.

But did you hear word of the census?

Mary, we must travel to Bethlehem to be counted by the Romans.

We shall have to buy a donkey to make that journey.

But we have not the money.

I have not sold so much as a crude stool in two months.

Fear not, my love, you are a master carpenter.

Finished.

Money will come if we have faith.

Faith is all we have.

We must put our trust in God.

Or perhaps we should consider a small business loan allowing us

to expand our range of products.

Would the interest not cripple us?

Not at the 3.4% variable APR offered

exclusively by Brookshaw Corporate Finance.

Now that's a miracle.

DRAMATIC BIBLICAL FILM MUSIC PLAYS

Behold!

Argh!

CRASH!

Hello.

I am the Archangel Gabriel.

Kneel before the messenger of the Lord.

But... But do not be afraid...

BANG! ARGHH!

..For I bring great news.

You will conceive a child.

A child!

# For unto us a child is bo... #

DIRECTOR: That's cut, Dennis.

But I can't have a child.

I'm a virgin.

I've been sent to tell you that you have been impregnated remotely.

Sorry, that came out very sinister.

It's a good thing.

The babe is a gift from the Lord, and I have been sent to tell you,

from on high...

I've been sent to tell you, from on high...

I've been sent to tell you, from here,

that this child shall be the Son of God.

DRAMATIC BIBLICAL MUSIC

But why would the good Lord choose me to bear his child?

BANG! ARGH! ARGHHHH!

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

You are now with child.

ZAP!

Wow!

Heed my words, for I am a prophet of the Lord.

And everyone likes profits.

# Brookshaw Corporate Finance

# Even Jesus loves cash! #

MARY:Urgh.

Carry on, we need the money.

And with that, the Angel spread his arms wide

and, with great majesty, ascended into heaven.

BIBLICAL FILM MUSIC PLAYS

Er... Joyous day!

How blessed we are!

But we must hasten

if we are to travel to Bethlehem before the holy child is born.

Aye, Mary, I shall purchase a donkey to make the journey.

Oh, piss.

These are also a gift from the Lord.

BANG! ARGH!

Mary and Joseph purchased a donkey,

loaded their few belongings onto its back

and set off into the desert.

MUSIC: Little Donkey

Annie, Keep up.

All right! I'll keep up.

It's just...it's not easy.

Mary, let me help you take the weight off your feet.

No. No. No.

Oh, oh.No.

Er, we'll walk.

Farewell, good town of Nazareth.

MUSIC: Little Donkey

# Little donkey

# Little donkey on the dusty road

# Got to keep on plodding onwards

# With your precious load

# Been a long time, little donkey

# Through the winter's night

# Don't give up now, little donkey

# Bethlehem's in sight

# Ring out those bells tonight

# Bethlehem, Bethlehem

# Follow that star tonight

# Bethlehem, Bethlehem

# Follow that star tonight

# Bethlehem, Bethlehem

# Little donkey, little donkey

# Had a heavy day

# Little donkey

# Carry Mary safely on her way. #

Look, Joseph! Bethlehem!

You're sagging.

Next time, I'm being the head and you're being the arse.

Meanwhile, in a field far outside Bethlehem, three shepherds

watched their flocks by night.

MUSIC: While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Tate and Brady

Ay Barshabba.

'Tis a mild winter's eve for...

ALARM BELL RINGS

There it is. There it is. There's the fire alarm.

Everyone, stay calm. Just stay in your seats.

Fire! There's a fire! Fire!

No, it's a drill. It's a drill.

OK, OK, OK.Everyone, stay calm, it won't be a moment.

Studio patrons, it has become necessary to evacuate the venue...

No, no, no. It's just a drill.

..All personal belongings and make...

No! We don't need to evacuate.

I can't hear you, Chris.

Studio patrons, please...

No! GO BACKSTAGE! All right?

You've changed! Why have you changed!?It's a fire.

If there's a fire you're not supposed to get changed,

you're supposed to get out. Yep, everyone out.No, no, no.

Keep moving.

Stand up, please.

Ah, ah, ah.

Chris, not again! Not again.

I repeat. There is a fire! There is a fire!

THERE'S NO FIRE...

FIRE ALARM STOPS ..YOU MORON!

Merry Christmas.

Let's continue.

DRILL WHIRS Here.

Get off.

Suddenly, in the sky above them, the shepherds saw a most majestic sight.

GABRIEL GRUNTS

Behold! The light of God!

CRACKLE

Underwhelming.

Make a note - I need more fireworks for the final scene.

I bring good tidings of great joy...

Ah!

Halo.

Halo.

Hello.

No.

Halo.

ALL:Hello.No!

Halo!

Over there!

ALL:Hello.

No! On the floor!

ALL:Hello!

No! Halo!

Halo!

Is it me you're looking for?

No!

The round, sparkly hat! All right?

Give me my round sparkly hat!

Not my personal one!

The halo.Ah.

Higher!

ALL:Hiya!

No, higher!

ALL IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:Hiya!

Forget the halo.

Be not afraid. JESUS!

No, he isn't born yet,

although that brings me neatly onto my next point.

Jesus will be born and he shall be the King...

..OF KINGS.

You shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling shawls in a manger.

To find him, you must follow this star.

BIBLICAL FILM MUSIC PLAYS

I am a messenger...

..FROM THE LORD! AH, AH, AH.

PANICKED:GLORY BE TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST!

And so the shepherds set off into the night,

following the guiding star.

Just go off. Just go off.

Meanwhile, in Herod's Palace, in Jerusalem...

No, no. No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Aaaaaaaah!

...King Herod had awoken from a troubled sleep.

Argh!

All hail King Herod!

ALL:Hail!

TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS

I slept fitfully. My dreams...

TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS

I slept fitfully. My dreams were full of dark portents...

..and grim tidings.

What saw you in these dreams, Sire?

Well, I saw a babe of great majesty.

Yet...was wrapped in swaddling shawls.

Oh, most troubling, Sire.

It seems an evil omen looms high, indeed.

But I saw wise men drawing near.

I know they are close.

When sayest you these wise men come?

IMMINENTLY!

By your word, King, here come three wise men!

STAGEHAND:Stand by, curtain. No, no, no, we're not ready.

We haven't got our trousers! Cue curtain.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Argh, argh, argh!

We've come to ask Herod for help to find the child.

I am...I am Melchior,

Wise Man Number One.

I am Caspar, also Wise Man Number One.

And I am a shepherd.

You're a wise man.

Chris said I was an idiot.

You're both.

I am an idiot who is also wise...and a shepherd.

You must approach King Herod.

IT IS JUST LIKE MY DREADED DREAM SUGGESTS! GOOD WISE MEN!

I CHARGE THEE, FIND THIS CHILD AND UPON HIS DISCOVERY GIVE ME WORD!

Help, no!

HEROD MOANS

Continue.

Our generous King shall furnish thee with gifts for the child.

Gold.

Ooh.

Frankincense.

Mm.

And myrrh.

Ahh. Aaagh!

That's also for smelling.

Thank you, generous King.

I shall unto my chambers and rest awhile.

And on their return...

Move! Come on!

On their return, I'll be his saboteur.

SHE GASPS Oh!

Arriving to be counted in the census, Mary and Joseph

made their way through the streets...

SCRAPING

Er, Ma-Mary and Joseph made their...

AAAAAAAH!

MARY and Joseph made their way through the streets,

along with their trusty donkey...

...who had one head and one arse.

They needed a place to stay in the little town of Bethlehem.

MUSIC: O Little Town of Bethlehem

# O little town of Bethlehem

# How still we see thee lie

# Above thy deep and dreamless sleep

# The silent stars go by... #

AAAAAAH!

# Aaaaaand in thy dark streets shineth

# The everlasting light

TO TUNE OF FUNERAL MARCH: # The...hopes and fears of all the years

# Are met in thee to-oo-night

TO TUNE OF CAMPTOWN RACES: # For Christ is born of Mary and gathered all

# Above while mortals sleep, the angels keep

TO TUNE OF AULD LANG SYNE: # Their watch of wondering love

# O morning stars together Proclaim the holy birth

TO THE TUNE OF CAN-CAN: # And praises sing to God the King

# And Peace to men on Earth

# No ear may hear His coming but in this world of

# Sin where meek souls will receive him still...

BACK TO NORMAL TUNE: # The dear Christ enters in. #

APPLAUSE

CRIES OF PAIN Mary and Joseph went from door to door, looking for a room.

Hello. I'm a stupid shepherd.

Here's your myrrh.

May God be with you, my friend.

Please, I'm with child, have you room at your inn?

Yes.

Yes?Yes.

OK.

No, no, no!Yes. No.

There's no room here.

There's room at the third one.

Fear not, my beloved Mary.

I am sure we will find somewhere to rest.

The good Lord watches over us.

Hello. I am a wise man, here's your myrrh.

MUFFLED CONVERSATION

OK, OK!

You're an innkeeper now. Switch on!

Have you any room?

Yes.

Ah! No, there's no room here.

Innkeeper slams door in their faces.

Oh, Mary! We have searched high and low and there is only one inn left.

Let's hope this innkeeper has room.

SCREECHING Aah! Hello.

Who are you?

That's...John the Baptist.

Hello. I'm...

I'm...

WHISPERS:Jesus Christ.

I'm Jesus Christ.

The saviour is born!

# For unto us a child is born! #

No! That's cut.

Right, sorry.Carry on.

Yes. There's no room at the pub.

Inn!OK.

No, out!

There's no room at the out.

Inn!All right.

No! Get out!

Get out! Get out!

No, not that!Not that!

There's no room at the inn!

Oh, yes, yes! There's no room at the inn.

All we have is an old, lowly manager.

Manger! There's no manager.

There's no manager? It's Christmas!

I'll be the old, lowly manager. What do you want?

They want a room.A broom?

No.A room. Oh, a room! Sea view?

Do you not even have a lowly stable where we could rest?

I don't know, do we?

No, we don't.No, we don't! Yes, we do!

Do you work here, too?Get inside!

Aaaah!

You two go and have your baby in the sodding manager!

Manger.Arghh!

Get on the donkey!

Move, just move.

Next scene!

Agh!

Mary knew that soon her child would be born...

Ow. Ow. Ow.

...as she entered the humble stable with animals all around.

Oh, Joseph, I do hope these creatures will not begrudge us

a little room in their stable for the night.

Yum, yum, yum.

We must rest now, my dearest Mary.

Soon the son of God will be born.

Just then, there came a knock at the stable door...

KNOCK

...and three wise men approached.

MUSIC: We Three Kings

We come bearing gifts.

I offer you gold -

standard accreditation for all your business loans.

I offer you frank...

'n' sensible advice on all your financial interests.

And I offer you sustained

low cost myrrh-gage rates.

And look - three shepherds approach, also.

Oh, it's not shepherds.

It's more wise men.

Mary, Joseph, and the six wise men

awaited the birth of the baby Jesus.

The shepherds had decided to sit this one out.

Unless they were on the tab on the other side?

No. No shepherds.

Just nine wise men.

It's like Mensa in here.

All was quiet and still.

MUSIC: Silent Night

# Silent night

# Holy night... #

ALARM RINGING

The second one.

# All is calm... #

Don't worry.

# All is bright... #

Can we turn it off, please?

# Round yon... #

# Turn it off! Virgin... #

Cut the wires! # ..And child... #

Cut the wires! # Holy Infant... #

Just sing over the top.

# So tender and mild... #

Louder!

# SLEEP IN HEAVENLY... #

Louder! # PEACE! #

# SLEEP IN...

ALARM STOPS QUIETLY: # Heavenly peace

# Silent night

# Holy night... #

Fire! Hot fire!

Fire alarm! We've cut the wires.

Fire blanket. Fire blanket!

# Glories stream from heaven afar

# Heavenly hosts... #

Out of the way. Out of the way!

# Hallelujah

# Christ...

# ..the Saviour is born... #

Heeyah! Heeyah! What are you doing?!

Fighting fire with fire!

Get off, you idiot!

# Christ the Saviour is born

# Christ the Saviour is born! #

APPLAUSE

And with that, the...

ALARM RINGING Please!

ALARM STOPS

And with that, the...story continued.

I hear a choir of angels.

The delivery is upon us.

And the light of the Angel Gabriel shone down upon them.

WHIRRING, BEEPING

Behold the light...of God.

Aaaaah!

CRASH!

And at that sacred moment...

Aaaah!

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

AND AT THAT SACRED MOMENT,

THE HOLY SON OF THE LORD WAS BROUGHT

FORTH INTO LIFE.

Aaaaah!

Now that was more like it!

Camera seven, camera seven! Get down! Get down!

And at that sacred moment, the holy Son of the Lord

was brought forth into life.

Aah!

He's beautiful.

Hang on. Wait, wait.

Hello.

We shall call him Jesus.

The three wise men approached...

...and knelt to give their gifts to the Christ Child.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Thank you, wise men, for these kind gifts.

MUSIC: We Three Kings

And on that holy night,

everyone in the stable stood looking proudly

at the beautiful newborn babe.

The end.

No, no!No, no, no! No!No!No, no, no!No!

APPLAUSE